Why It’s Critical You Firmly Establish Your Values | Relationship Theory
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- Опубликовано: 14 окт 2024
- Values, priorities, and the ‘non-negotiables.’ What do you do if your significant other isn’t valuing the same things as you and may not be walking through life with the same growth mindset? On this episode of Relationship Theory, Tom and Lisa Bilyeu sit down to discuss how you can take your relationship to a deeper level of connection through communication and a mutual understanding of shared values. They discuss how to approach your significant other when change may be needed in their life, how to open up the lines to a deeper form of communication, and the importance of openly sharing each other’s values and priorities.
SHOW NOTES:
Initiating | Lisa and Tom discuss approaching a significant other about much-needed changes in their life. [00:27]
Opening Up | Tom and Lisa share how to open the lines of communication. [1:50]
Breaking Through | Lisa and Tom share how to talk to a significant other who may not have a growth mindset. [5:39]
Values | Tom and Lisa discuss the importance of why couples should be openly sharing their values. [7:51]
Compassion | Lisa and Tom share how to give constructive criticism in a relationship without sounding superior. [11:20]
Balance | Tom and Lisa discuss the balance of priorities, values, and sacrifices in a relationship. [13:25]
Cut the BS | Tom and Lisa discuss the importance of brutal honesty in a relationship. [16:20]
QUOTES:
“If you don’t carve out that space and say that these are my non-negotiables, you end up in a world of hurt.” [1:20]
“What are the rules of this relationship? What are the values? What are the things that we as a couple are going to decide that we value together?” [7:51]
“Things that are right, move you towards your goals. Things that are wrong, move you away from your goals.” [13:07]
FOLLOW TOM:
Instagram: bit.ly/2s9lU90
RUclips: bit.ly/2KWanAC
Podcast: spoti.fi/2xEloFL
FOLLOW LISA:
Instagram: bit.ly/2TIsoKh
RUclips: bit.ly/2IAbTcH
Podcast: spoti.fi/2IEajGW0
Best couple ever, you made my standard for a relationship skyrocket. And I'd rather be alone than staying in a relationship which is "good enough"
Best take away: discover the fine line between giving constructive criticism and being judgemental! ... not so easy to do but SUPER important
Biggest thought/takeaway:
That we are all deeply flawed in a beautiful and necessary way! And when the human being chooses consciously to face that reality, life changes. Growth becomes a passionate pursuit. However like you both discussed, growth has to be defined through assessing highest values. It’s so easy to look at our partners and have an ego thought that tells us we’re better because we’re growing. But the very fact that we’re growing also means we are aware of flaws and that should humble us if anything! Bringing it up with our partners could mean an end to the relationship, or the start of a more powerful bond, it isn’t easy. I like that you brought up the idea of asking them what goals they have and what it means to them to have a growth mindset. I personally have had a partner that was living his life in very destructive ways and constantly justifying his actions. Then there was a point where i had to say this isn’t working out. And sometimes that’s a blessing.
This helped me..I’m going through something similar with my girlfriend..
Romein Kadir Best of luck! You got this🤗
Very well said and thank you for sharing. This enlightened me so much
Paladium thank you! I appreciate your comment 🙏🏻
Biggest takeaways are definitely: Having a growth mindset and don't assume that you know everything about the other person. The crucial part of relationship is to build each other up as Tom said.
Relationship isn't easy it requires lot of work but is very fulfilling. Me and my girlfriend evaluate our relationship every week to see where we at and how to improve. Hope we will talk to you guys on Zoom. :)
Yesss babe 🤗☺😄🙌👏❤☺❤
My biggest takeaway from this video is: do not assume you know everything about your partner. There is always room to learn more about each other AND always go to the conversation with an openminded. Choosing the right words to talk to your partner is so important as well.
This video is so so important for every single couple out there. It's so crucial to have this type of conversation with your partner though it is not easy to do. But when you do it correctly, it will deepen the connection, understanding, and respect of both partners within the relationship.
My boyfriend and I have followed Impact Theory and Women of Impact for a while now and so excited to see you guys create this new channel as it dedicates to inspire and add values to others' love lives. (Though you both had some episodes about Relationship Theory on Impact Theory a long time ago). I'm so looking forward to watching all of your amazing future videos about this specific niche on this new RUclips Channel. I have already turned on the notification bell button :D
***Finger crossed my boyfriend, and I could talk to you guys on Zoom ❤
Lisa and Tom, please do an episode on how to identify core values. Thanks in advance. All of your relationship conversations are super helpful.
Why did it end so abruptly? Was that the end? Can I get more? Is this part 1? Lol I need more! This is so good. Usually they close out differently in their individual shows, but maybe this is different? Just want to make sure I’m not missing a second part. Or is this just a teaser? Thank you both for doing this! Your shows have changed my life! Sending peace & love!
Biggest takeaway - radical honesty. I respond very differently to my husband’s “helpful” comments to stay on my diet or workout plan, but it could be how I perceive him to mean it OR how I just personally prefer to navigate certain areas of my life. Very insightful!!
My biggest takeaway is being intentional with the way you phrase things when approaching your partner! That’s huge and a skill that many lack! Love it! ❤️🙌
I completely agree!
I totally get you guys. What you propose is actually my mindset. The thing is that most people are not so pragmatic, so most reject this kind of talk.
That is so true. A lot of people don't want to go there because they see it as so much work. It is work you will do willingly or unwillingly because life will force you. It is better to proceed with awareness willingness and purpose.
Hey Tom and Lisa! I think the most important thing is to truly communicate and also to understand where the other person is coming from, and this is something that usually does not come naturally.
I like the idea of getting her to see that a growth mindset will make her closer to you and help you achieve great things knowing she is part of the process
Indeed👌🏼
I’ve been waiting so long for this! Tom & Lisa - thank you so much for bringing this back 🙏🏼
yes!! back again! These are my fav tom and/or lisa content ♡
The biggest takeaways I've done from all of your videos are the raw honesty. Understanding that we all have different love languages and how important it is to understand the other persons way of communicating. Being open with what you want, need and can give. I also love the concept of "This is really important to me" and the other person just goes out of their way to help you, no questions asked. This has helped me in my relationships a lot. Thank you
This channel will be Awesome
Most peoples problems start with relationships.
Thanks for your service to us 👊
Shine on Friends
Tom and Lisa, thank you for bringing this back. Also, I can tell that you updated your camera system so they're all the same and look amazing! No more DSLR's.
The values of a relationship! I’ve never thought about them with that focus, I felt I was “only demanding girl” for talking about it! Such a good perspective of dealing with this!!
Big takeaway: being honest about your non negotiables is being " selfish" in a good way.... i want to win 15min with you guys!!
My biggest takeaway is the reminder that “intention will bleed out in a thousand subtle cues.” Set an intention for yourself and for the relationship going into these types of conversations.
I would to even write it down and have it in front of you throughout the conversation; it’s easy to lose track or forget once the conversation starts, so having a reminder that you can see can be super helpful.
Communicate obsessively was my biggest takeaway. I think this can feel uncomfortable for my partner because he grew up in a family that didn’t talk about ‘deeper things’ or feelings. We’re in a good groove now though and getting better. Thanks homies!
Hi Lisa & Tom, you both have impacted myself and my husband so much. I remember a story where Tom explained how you both used the light on the nightstand to 'tell' each other when you are 'checked out' of work. Another story that stucks with me, is how you both communicate about making decisions within Impact Theory. A quote I remember very vividly is 'I don't agree with your opinion/decision, but I respect it, and I will give it my all to follow your decision'. I just admire how you both are 'brutally' honest and talk/communicate about everything. You both are a role model for me, as a person and as a wife. Would love to talk to you both, together with my husband.
Yes, people have to stop bullshitting, they have to stop bullshitting others, but mostly themselves. I am so happy you made this into a separate show :)
Me and my partner are so excited that this is back! Keep it up, guys! You are awesome and such an inspiration! My biggest takeaway from this episode is related to "defining terms", that is definitely huge and made such a big difference once we defined our terms and realised just how differently we were thinking about the same things and it really opened our mind to different perspectives and to how differently we think based on the previous experiences that shaped our thinking, it was fascinating! Thanks a lot for bringing that up! We would love to win the hangout with you guys!
Love that you both surface great questions within questions to draw out the deepest values and understandings!
One of the manny things I’ve learned is that communications is everything... that was a hard one for me because for a very long time I was someone who shut down, I wouldn’t talk about my feelings, I wouldn’t even tell my significant other something that upsets me, something that was important for me, or just talk to him about myself. So I’ve had to learn to trust and let go of the insecurity so that we could communicate and become a better version of ourselves as a couple and as individuals!
What a conversation. Hit in so many deeper things that came up naturally as you two conversed. THANK YOU 2 for letting the public in on your private joint mastermind thoughts 💛💛
Communication is so key! Thank you for normalizing & giving a framework for having healthy communication in a relationship.
i'm 18 and what you and Tom do is so amazing,i'm learning so much
Guys, i am very glad you are doing this. I am a huge fan of your other channel, looking forward to this one ! very stoked. Thank you you make a world of difference.
Love you guys! Bigest take away " some conversations are dangerous". I think all conversations that are worth having are in some extent dangerous because they confront your present reality, ideas and identity. Thanks for all your shows❤
I am so thrilled this is back! 😍
I’ve been waiting for relationship Theory and am so excited! I love how raw and real you guys are. Listening to you two talk helps me realize that people who are different from each other can make it work if you find good common values to bond each other together.
That was so cool , thank you so much Tom and Lisa 🙏❤️!!
I’m loving this new podcast! My biggest takeaway is being open with your spouse and having real conversations
Finally! I've been waiting for relationship theory to come back!! You guys are such an inspiration
Biggest takeaway: I am very grateful for Relationship Theory:) always find amazing advice from Tom and Lisa!
I really appreciate the no bs and real approach you both have to these topics, it is quite impactful! Thank you both !! ❤️
My mind set was in check from a past marriage And depression. It was all about a poor mind set. The girl I’m dating has really played a role in me getting a growth mind set back like I had when I was younger. We are realizing what a great team we can be and I really love the content you guys are putting out! We also are Not the normal people either of us would choose but God had bigger plan’s. I’m really growing because this women calls me out on my shit and that is waking me up! It’s sad to see where I got to... pathetic! The big mind set putting such a big drive in me! You guys are a Blessing and love your honesty!
Your approach works as long as the receptor is willing to take it.
This works for healthy minds.
I am an advocate of empirical utopia,
Great content as usual. I love Lisa's accent.
Greets from Italy.
You definitely have to be open with communication and being honest with self and others about things that are important and getting your partners perspectives as well!
Love this...vulnerability is brave and leads to wonderful things and ultimately growth!
Super stoked you guys brought this back! Would be so appreciative to have 15min with you guys! 🙏🙏🙏
Thanks for coming back Relationship theory!
Key insight for 15 min. Talk: arguing about small things might have much deeper meaning such as asking for respect, to be listened, to be understood. Hence, understanding the deep reason behind arguments is more important than the often small trigger behind the argument sometimes.
You guys are AWESOME! Can’t be more grateful for having found you and taken in everything that you share - it was life-changing ❤️
The world totally needs this! Thank you!🙏🏻
Omg, good luck to anonymous! My partner actually helped me leave a cult. Not quite as great as a growth mindset but still pretty life transforming ;) He did 4 things that were critical
1. He initially shared just sources / people that I trusted and was familiar with and then let me learn for myself
2. His attitude was "this is something important to me and I'm checking out for myself; do you want to come with me?" which didn't make me feel threatened
3. He shared tidbits, but never pushed, he was soooo careful and clear that he wanted to share only if I was interested and comfortable
4. I knew he would be with me all the way and he was. From the fallout with my family and friends to 2am meltdown crying fests to watching our kids when I went to therapy, he never stopped supporting me while allowing me to grow at my own pace.
I love watching y'all together!
Biggest takeaway: clear language. We actually had a short chat to clarify how we phrase "this important" vs "this is urgent". So thank you!
Looking for 15 m with our mentors! My “growth mindset” partner introduced me to you two years ago. We’ve been building a software business together, are a blended family, and are continuing to drive each other to find growth in the uncomfortable (yes, cold showers and all! Lol). Our biggest take-away was to NOT FIGHT OVER THE TEA!
We see so much of ourselves in you two (your earlier chapters of course lol) and aspire to impact others through what we are learning on our journey... which undoubtedly is super challenging.
Cannot wait to keep growing through Relationship Theory. Thank you again.
Being the partner of a dedicated laser-focused start up founder is a role that isn’t talked about often enough! It’s a BIG job! Thank you, LISA for your Candidness and STRENGTH!
#supeheros
Every night we run and listen to Women of Impact or Impact Theory- we cannot thank your enough💕💕💕
I learned that everything can be narrowed down to either moving towards or moving away from accomplishing your goals. Further, thanks for bringing RT back. It is my hypothesis that this is the area in peoples life were most stress is coming from requires constant attention and learnings. Greetings from a big fan in Shanghai
Super on point! Totally agree that the difference in approach could make such conversation impossibly wrong. But i think that genuine sincerity and pure honesty with the shown intention of bringing the best for the partner could (not "will", but "could") help. And if not maybe its time for both to move on in their own direction with gratitude to each other for the time together.
So excited y’all are back!! Your advice and perspectives are priceless!!! You guys are my relationship mentors!!!
Omg I am binge-watching these crazy insightful videos I LOOVEEE THISS!!
Great content for long term coupling with tips on how best to communicate as partners. For our marriage core values are centered on faith, communication, honesty/trust, sexual faithfulness, quality time, & patience/foegiveness. In the 6.5 years we have been married, we are cultivating a growth mindset and with consistent positive reinforcement by the other, we are making enormous strides on building our family's foundation.
Thanks so much for bringing Relationship Theory back!! Absolutely love this show and have listened to all previous episodes!
Biggest takeaway, being objective by other standards, the focus on only do and believe that which moves you towards your goals. So being able to judge your action and help your partner with their actions based on goals 👌
Woah, thank you so much on restarting this channel 💗 💖 ❤
I am sooo glad you are back.........I really like the red decorations............lovely....
I didn’t know Tom had a second channel. Just subscribed.
My biggest takeaway is how important clear, non-judgemental communication is in a couple. So many times we fail to stop and listen to what our partner is truly saying and it can negatively affect the relationship.
Always keep an open mind!
I'm not ready for a relationship at 24 rn and I don’t know where to start with myself and where to head. The idea of crushing on someone or being in love and not running away terrifies me bcs idk how to handle it and handle many things that come along with that and have never did. I find such contents so interesting and important to listen to but idk where to start n how to make a good use out of it. I love listening to you both tho. Thank you for making those videos 🧡
Keen to get through this! Thanks guys ❤️
Yay! I'm SO glad these are back! The Relationship Theory episodes are what helped shaped my relationship with my husband - making it the best relationship i've ever been in, and continues to grow and evolve into something better all the time!
Greetings to the Bilyeus
My biggest aha moment is when u talked abt values of a relationship and i loved loved the tell and listen to hard truths..my biggest take is for every relationship's success, communicate, communicate, communicate!!
Would love to hang out with u guys!!
Am so glad you made this channel guys!! I'm so excited and waiting for the up coming video..
I'm single for now, but I always a relationship issue.
Love from Algeria 🥰
Big takeaway: I thought it was interesting that you said that it’s important to understand that couples will be ahead and behind each other at times in growth mindset and to recognize that.
I love what you guys do and what you stand for.
You guys are a national treasure!!!
Damn, as a 19 year old this advice is worth gold, thank you
"yeea..people have to stop bullshitting though..." haha I love the way Tom said it. Plus: truth to the point.
Congrats Lisa for the new channel. Love from India ❤️
Was waiting for this desperately...now time for some good advice and reflection 👍👍
Love the honesty in all different levels!
I am beyond excited to follow relationship again 🕺🕺🕺🕺🕺...love you Lisa and tom. I am single right now but love to follow this channel to build a better me for my future partner ☺️☺️
This channel gives me hope
Biggest takeaway: The message/intention being lost in translation. You can have the best of intentions talking to your partner about a growth mindset but what they may here is "I'm not good enough."
I experience this a lot..this is the response I get..which is not my intention..
Glad to have you guys back!
Will you be adding new content? It's great you're uploading clips of the old ones again for new viewers. I look forward to the worksheet one being back up (I lost my copy !_!). Very excited to see Relationship Theory's space and some new stuff. Looking forward to seeing how Lisa has grown now she's been hosting her own channel. 😍
This one is a hidden gem.
The six pack abs conversation was gold.
OMG that's amazing. Thank you so much. You are such a wonderful couples. So much helpful content 🙏
Meet your partner as an equal. The alternative will make them feel attacked. The beautiful thing about a growth mindset is the understanding that people currently thinking from a fixed mindset still have room for growth! They may not see that yet, but you have to see that in them.
💙 Biggest Takeaway: 💙 Start every conversation by reminding yourselves of what your goals as a couple are. Whether it is to openly communicate a struggle, talking about values, or your non-negotiables, doing this allows you to see past your ego and really take in whatever your significant other has to say.
This is something we applied to our relationship after hearing one of your talks when Lisa mentioned that ultimately, you know that Tom is bringing forth these discussions because he wants you to be the best version of yourself. This has been a huge game changer as it has allowed us to approach every conversation with respect and an open heart!
Both of you are amazing and a beautiful couple. Sending to both of you much love. Thanks, for sharing your thoughts and experience as a couple, any relationship in the entire world is perfect but both of you always try to find solutions and understanding for everything and that's amazing and beautiful. 💖🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🤗
finally! relationship theory is BACK!!💖🎉
Always superbly put you two!
Thank you for helping us 💪🏼 strong marriage is key
Something new I learned is that you have to talk to your partner in a way that they feel heard and then they will actually be willing to sit down with you talk about your thoughts and how you would like them to change.
Yesss!!!! Growth mindset in a relationship!!!
Fire. Looking forward to asking You some GREAT questions over our 15 minutes together- sure You guys can help Chiara and I!!
Biggest takeaway: how common goals can boost forward success and relationship joy!!
I have a question on something I’m really struggling with!
What would you recommend for the woman being the breadwinner so that the man can focus on scaling the business, and how to deal with how the dynamic of the relationship is impacted by this role reversal!
My biggest takeaway from this video is that intention will bleed beyond your words in a tough conversation, so you need to reframe it in a way the other person will actually hear you BEFORE starting the conversation.
Communicate obsessively
Understand there will be what look like fluctuations in your partner's growth trajectory, this doesn't mean they have a fixed mindset.
Grant so much room for grace.
Just subcribed ❤️❤️
Amazing content ....
You two are amazing
Yayyyy! I love you guys thank you for bringing it back.
I’M HERE FOR IT!
You guys are the absolutely top
You two are extremely articulate, most people are not - most people don't know what their needs are and how to express them. Most people are irrational as hell. You literally do not stop talking - most people are not that, most people need time to even build a sentence that makes sense.
I’d be really interested to know how much of Lisa’s enthusiasm for 6-pack abs was really about their physical presentation and how much was tied to Tom’s judgement that they made him more attractive. I’d imagine the enthusiasm and sexual excitement for a person who’s communicating that they feel ultra-sexy would be enough to flip a lot of those little switches all by itself. Sharing the reason helps create a little microcosm of mutually recognized communication of arousal. Seeing that the abs make him feel attractive means her radar will tune into them more as a little trigger of intimate contact - and her intuition knows exactly how to amplify that connection. I think the assumption I’m making is that the feeling of connecting with a sexy vibe is really the most important factor driving arousal and bonding and wiggly seduction rituals.