"The withdrawal, the withholding of affection, the pouting...the actions so that he gets what he wants...stonewalling...gaslighting" and I still don't even know what he wants...
This absolutely describes my life of 36 years of marriage to my husband. Thank you, Dr. Hawkins, for the work you are doing! I have repeatedly listened to so many of your videos, read your articles/books - so helpful. You know what many of us victims are going through. My health and emotional well being have suffered so much and the fact that nobody can see the wounds/damages my husband has caused is truly debilitating at times. God has been my Rock, my Strength, and I pray for all the other women who are suffering as well. May God abundantly bless you!
This was so spot on…. So painful and so depressing….. the emptiness and the loneliness is unbearable. I feel like it’s their goal to break you so badly and push you to the limits of mental physical, and emotional exhaustion to solidify his public image that he is the poor martyr stuck in this marriage with his lunatic wife. I’ve learned not to ask or even hint at anything I want because if he gets wind of it then it becomes his mission to find passive aggressive ways to make sure it stays out of my reach.
Omg this is spot on. I lived this for years and years. I finally was introduced to this type of abuse and was relieved that I wasn’t as crazy that he had made me believe. Finally got the nerve to Get out of that hell hole. Much much happier person.
Thank You! I am leaving my covert emotionally abusive relationship. And I needed to strength to see what I see… you nailed ALL his traits, he’s not violent but he is NOT the guy he appears on the outside
It sounds like you have experienced this first hand. Please reach out to us if you would like information on how we can help. Our Client Care team can be reached at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
Sorry to hear you are experiencing this and hope that you are getting some help. For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletters for more helpful articles and videos from our therapists: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
All those years I always thought it was because I was doing something wrong. When I finally realized what was going on, it was still my fault according to him.
After having watched multiple videos on Covert Narcissism- this video explains my life for the last 20 years. This is spot on with what I have been dealing with. I had my first Panic attack when we were first married and now I am suffering mentally and physically. I am turning 60 this year. I have left him before, only to return. I have my dogs and possessions that I can't seem to leave behind. Starting over scares the heck out of me and I have no friends or family left willing to help me.
Don't worry, trust in God. Literally, there are people all around us who will be closer and kinder than family. Please don't worry, you will find them. Focus on self care for a few years
This is one of the best, most straightforward explanations of this type of abuse i have seen. I must listen on a regular basis when i miss him and feel weak. Mine shows his abuse as extreme moodiness as a contol mechanism. Silences. Witholding love. He HATES it when i say the word moody and flatly denies it. And just like you say, its your fault. He isnt the issue, it is you. Always! Whatever happens, it is always your fault. No responsibility taken. No sitting down discussing issues. Everything on his terms. Cuddles, talking, smiling, laughing. None of that happens unless he wants it. Yet the moods change in an instance and your expected to be receptive when he wants, in your place and do what he wants when he wants! So glad to be reminded we are not going mad. It isnt us. It is them. This is my third relationship in a row with men like this. I saw it early on with this one, but still didnt get out. Loneliness and longing for a connection, makes you push fears and worries to the back of your mind. And of course these type of men shower you with affection when THEY want. It is truly insidious behaviour. Btw. I LOVE the look of your garden. 🌲🪴🌿
We're glad you found it helpful. You can access more related content and helpful advice from our therapists by subscribing to our RUclips channel, or sign up for our mailing list to be notified of new content!www.marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list
As my husband got older there was absolutely no unity nor agreement in our relationship. He even made going out for coffee into an ugly scene. He with held physical affection for 15 years. He broke me. Then he passed away. Jesus has healed me. But I had so many sad years in my 35 years of marriage I wish I could forget.
They steal your identity and personality from you. Once you are a empty shell they reflect their true self onto you. Never again! May God save all victims. The sadness, chaos and destruction they cause is a indescribable. If you see it call it out! That person wants and needs your help. Even they don't know it yet themselves.
My former business partner is a covert narcissist. He's not really good at anything, but he can very cleverly pretend to be experienced in all areas. That's how I came to him. He copied my sayings, ideas and thoughts, clothes and even my car. In customer contacts, he presented himself as the doer and me as his fulfillment assistant, although no innovation or initiative came from him. He kept me out of his circles, I wasn't even invited to his birthdays after many years of working together (which was like a rollercoaster ride) and he was always out to gain external attention and image. Customers who bought his act saw me as his ballast, mistakes he had made were blamed on me. He played the modest authority figure and the root of all rationality, even though he was making bizarre mistakes and actions. By the time I realized that he was an envious phoney who was taking credit for my successes and even undermining and sabotaging ideas and projects over which he had no control, it was already too late and it took me ten years to break free from this grip. Every now and then I hear stories that he tells about me and they are pure pseudo-realities and outright lies. His partner at the time now has an alcohol problem and their son is alienated from her because of him.
Bravo! Thank you for describing the relationship I struggled to escape from for the past 6 years. It absolutely needs to be exposed and better understood.
Yep. In a covert emotional abusive relationship.... this describes it to a T. I told him "hey, I feel hurt when you snap at me." 5 hours of us fighting for him threatening to leave me then saying he doesn't want to. Barely any self awareness at all.
That is why they are called crazy-making behaviors. For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletters for more helpful articles and videos from our therapists: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
Today is the day my life fell apart. I just learned that I'm living with a covert emotional abuser. I'm physically & mentally drained. Dr. JEKYL & Mr. Hyde. I call him THE BLACK HULK! HELP PLEASE
This video validated me like healing for my soul and a deep inner sigh, I felt so comforted by having it be known perfectly (exactly as I experience it) and called wrong with someone who equally is distressed by it. Hearing this was like oil on a wound or water to a desperately parched soul. This video and others by Dr Hawkins are the only validation that truly matches my circumstance most perfectly and I am grateful.
We're so glad you found this helpful. If you would like information on healing for victims of emotional abuse, visit marriagerecoverycenter.com/counseling-programs/
Yes, we have always said that emotional abuse is trauma and needs specialized treatment. If you would like to learn more about our emotional abuse trauma recovery program, book a free consultation with our Client Care Team: bit.ly/3I0dntB
You're right, they are unwilling to consider they are the problem, but this denial and defensiveness is one of the first things we address and work to break down in our counseling. If you want to learn more, reach out to our Client Care Team: marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/
Thank you 🎉 my husband and I are in a therapeutic separation and we will walk this walk as we both aspire to a healthy relationship . Your work is a godsend.
When you said the part about feeling crazy.... It raised the hair on the back of my neck. I just said to my sister last week the exact words. Oh, I know my partner is emotionally abusive, but those words validated my feelings. I can't leave my situation. I've tried and failed several times. I'm learning after 2 years how to survive. But just when I think I've got it figured out, he throws a curve ball. Thanks for the videos and sharing your knowledge.
My husband slams door throws things yells throws his lap top around when it doesn't work well for him. Anything that needs to be fixed is nothing ever works for him
A lot of things are mistaken for marital issues, when in fact they are issues that need to be addressed at the individual level. That is why we offer things like DBT and The Core so people can learn to process and regulate their emotions effectively and understand what they are feeling and why. We often tell people that you need to first BE well in order to love well. If you'd like to learn more about our approach and how we can help, please reach out to our Client Care Team at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
3 years into my relationship my ex started accusing me of all the things he did. He started telling people that I was the one with the temper and he accused me of stopping him from going places. I became so afraid when he started this as I had already been successfully isolated so if he successfully painted me as the abuser I'd have been completely under his thumb
If you need help breaking free of these crazy making behaviors and stop living in fear and isolation, please reach out to learn how we can help, or check out our emotional abuse recovery program: marriagerecoverycenter.com/redeemed/
Indeed. This is EXACTLY descriptive of my wife of 30 yrs. Every. single. trait. "Thankfully" she has filed for divorce against me. Finally she will have to take responsibility for SOMETHING.
Oh my....you just nailed what I have been dealing with for the past 20yrs. You are so correct on everything you have said. I have been saying "You are a jekyll & Hyde. " for years. Love him very much but it is time for a change... I know I will be fine. Thank you so much for this information... Pretty darn sure you should be on Dr. Phil to get this message out. Take care and thanks again.
Glad you found it helpful. If you would like to learn about how intervention can be a catalyst for change, check out Part 7 of the series: ruclips.net/video/3iAWf_Gk4uk/видео.html
We're glad you found it helpful. You can access more related content and helpful advice from our therapists by subscribing to our RUclips channel, or visiting us at marriagerecoverycenter.com/blog
🥺 I almost made it to my 20 anniversary. I just couldn't keep doing it anymore. Pretending like everything was okay just to spare his feelings. Because I knew what was coming if I said enough. "Double crucified" that's what it felt like. Crucified in the flesh and spiritually broken until it felt as if I was just floating around with nothing to live for. But I thank God! I'm so over that now! He has been my Anchor, my Rock, my fortress and my strength. Praise Him!
My husband seems to be doing this. Yesterday was a nightmare and my mind is still reeling from this, like my mind is in a fog. He is faithful but this abuse has made me want to flee many times. I had been with this man for over 11 years, I am silent as my mind is screaming.
it is so subtle that i did not realize what was happening 2 me. thankfully i did keep a journal and i had been so confused for the last 6 months. i had become extremely emotionally unstable… i don’t think i handled myself well when i started feeling like a burden and was convincing myself i should be okay with emotional unavailable. i began having rash outs which then i was so deeply ashamed by. we began having minute arguments. my friends told me i hadn’t been like myself. i want to own up to my own inability to set boundaries. my partner left me suddenly and told me it was because i wasn’t able to love him the way he needed. i wish both of us deep healing and still send him love
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. I had a memory of when my son was young and it instantly became a memory of how my narcissist has just ruined my whole life. Very disparaging not to even be able to have a purely happy memory. 😢
I am wondering about this dynamic being present due to undiagnosed ADHD, learning disability and ASD. It seems the covert behavior and emotional neglect is learned behavior from trying to manage symptoms and also a lot of denial that it is in fact as bad as it is on a personal level since he is able to maintain the mask in public and career. There is diagnosis and medication going on 2 years now but still very little self awareness even with counseling. Progress is very slow; if real at all. I am still getting blindsided often. I’m exhausted and used up. Is the continued “symptoms” a sign that he isn’t committed to fully managing and taking responsibility for his diagnosis yet. And is it unfair for him to expect me to endure just because he has a diagnosis?
It is often a learned behavior, or a negative adaptation to trauma, so it can be passed on. For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletters for more helpful articles and videos from our therapists: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
Oh yes!! He was like that for 2 decades. A living hell. When it was at its worst I remember wondering if I was actually in hell. But he changed. And I changed first. Thank you Dr David Hawkins. Your kind face and understanding words, your wise words gave me hope some years ago. I found you on RUclips and your words changed my life. You gave me hope. Thank You, I hope you see this. I'm still married and things are different. Marriage is much better. But my adult children have been affected by it all. One now has narcasistic behaviour and is dysfunctional. But perhaps in time my child will change too. I believe there is always hope, but things don't change unless we do something. My adult child is on their own difficult path now.
Thank you for sharing your story. Everyone must walk their own difficult journey to reach the destination God has for them, but God will place people on the path to help. You only need to reach out and as you say "do something." And your story will give hope to many who need to hear this.
Mine confused me so much ..he has this but 90 percent of the time he love-bombs and it's wonderful. Then he changes into a different person for no apparent reason.
I wish my ex could've listened to this and actually had it sink in, because you described him to a T, but I doubt he would ever see himself in this. He had anger right below the surface at all times, just under his Mr. Nice guy facade. After 40 years I realized that I never existed for him in this relationship. I lost the major part of my adult life just being someone for him to project onto, to use, to reject, to resent, and in the end he never even really got to know me.He gave me just enough crumbs of "Love" to keep me hoping things could change. I'm left sick and exhausted and broken. I feel like I was cheated out of any hope of having a good healthy deep relationship simply because I was ignorant and did not know what a covert Narcissist was or how to deal with one. You're exactly right. He was a nice guy...Until he wasn't, and I've paid a very high price in my life for not understanding what to do about it.
Rather than blow up the retirement fund and divorce he has opted for anxiety medication. It’s helps. For him the motion to stay on them is how much better his career is going on them. But him trying to be nice after 34 years just comes off as creepy.
I feel crazy because a lot of my behaviour could be interpreted as this but it's been in response to being whittled down. Having many conversations shut down/belittled/gaslit, I just stopped trying to communicate and fawned or shut down instead. I withdrew my affection because I was repulsed at being treated poorly. It's very confusing as there is a lot of mirroring in these sorts of dynamics and it's hard to really come to terms with which side of the coin you're on.
Another common "Play the victim" line is, when you're trying to point out something wrong or how they disrespected you, instead of getting validation, you'll get defensiveness, denial "wasnt my intention", gaslighting "that didn't happen/you're perceiving it wrong, blameshifting "i did _ because you _" , or playing victim "You're right! I'm just a piece of shit." Or "Sorry I cant have everything be PERFECT for you" I get all these in a week. He can go weeks being sweet but out of nowhere Mr Hyde..for 6 years. I'm dying inside
We understand, it's death by a thousand cuts. If you would like to learn how we can help, please reach out to info@marriagerecoverycenter.com or (206) 219-0145.
I would like this to see this model of conflict resolution to be brought into every country around the world in relationships families and in the workplace. I believe it is so badly needed a highly informed balanced and solution-focused perspective. Perhaps I am mistaken but policy makers everywhere could do with this training in conflict resolution and to put it into their current very black and white policies which are not providing solutions and underestimate the power of what Dr Hawkins and his excellent team are doing here and his excellent understanding and vision for lasting peace to what can appear to be intractable conflicts if this could happen it would be a huge tribute to his fantastic legacy of work and effort for his entire career. In my humble opinion, Dr Hawkins deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for his work and contribution to conflict resolution.
This is very hard for men who experience this from women. I found myself not being able to explain to people I was feeling emotionally abused by a woman. I felt like I was weak and it was job to shoulder the emotions for our family.
Yes, it is definitely less talked about when it's the other way around. Here is one of a few videos we have that specifically addresses men who are abused: Relationship with a Female Narcissist ruclips.net/video/N68Ch10E51k/видео.html
It's difficult to find support when the abuse is covert. Healing begins by recognizing that the only thing you can control in this situation is yourself. Almost all the concepts we talk about for healing from emotional abuse applies to relationships outside of marriage, including family, friends, co-workers, etc. For more related content, check out our RUclips channel, or sign up for our mailing list for helpful articles and marriage saving tips delivered directly to your Inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/G
ruclips.net/user/drdavidbhawkinsplaylists There's a Playlist titled "Healing Together From Narcissism and Emotional Abuse." This is where you will find all the videos in the series. The upcoming ones will be posted there as they come out.
Oh my GOD thank you whomever you are - I must find your name. I felt bad being financially reliant due to cancer of thyroid & then fibroids & hysterectomy. I get love bombed everyday & many apologies then hatred/looks at me like I'm the devil. And I am very honest with how I feel & constantly beg him for just a few days of peace. He can't do one night of peace and has me convinced I am the abusive or bad person because I refuse to have sex with a person being mean to me. Am I wrong??? Last time I caved and had sex I had to get really drunk & cry in bathroom, convincing myself in bathroom that I had to do this. So isn't that me manipulating him? All I know is he breaks many things - many holes in walls & I am always scared - and he always says I have no right 2 b afraid because he is not a "woman hitter" I am soooo confused - help!!!! Oh and P.S. he is angel to everyone- gives $20-$40 to a neighbor for no good reason when we can't afford rent, resulting in all our neighbors thinking he's soooo wonderful. The 16 year old girl on 3rd floor overlooking our cottage knows though. So I can't be that crazy. This young female tells ME, a 42 year older I am being abused. . . . Sorry just don't know how to get out. . . . But thank you 4 helping me realize I am not crazy . . . .
At least you have one nice, good neighbor. You should hangout with her more, no matter what age she is. She is fortunate not to have experienced emotional abuse so she knows it when she sees it. A lot of us, myself included, grew up with so much dysfunction and toxicity that when it shows up in our lives, it is hard for us to see it because we are so used to it.
Hi Cheryl, yes we do offer online and group counseling. Most couples start with a Marriage Evaluation which allows the therapist to identify and confront the issues and formulate a customized plan for healing and recovery based on your unique situation. Please reach out to our Client Care Specialists for more information at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
@@drdavidbhawkins I was thinking more for the spouse married to the narcissist. Getting a narcissist to cooperate is difficult. It's called save yourself. Save your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
Interesting as the narcissist abuser i just escaped was nicknamed Jekyll & Hyde by his mother, as a kid 😮 I am visualing him as a soul sucking zombie and i cant waste another breath from my lungs trying to make him see his problems. I have to find the strength every day to be a nurturing mother and I'm dying inside.
Thanks for your feedback. If you found this video helpful, subscribe to our channel for more related content, or sign up for our newsletters for helpful articles and videos from our therapists sent to your inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
I've lived through four years of it. I'm leaving him because of it. I'm not signing up for the abuse anymore. I could heal faster if he'd just hit me. Unfortunately the wounds are not seen. I don't think he wants to be this way but I don't think he realizes it. If I stay he never will change. Maybe my leaving will open his eyes. I'm not going to go back to him. I hope he changes and finds a good wife.
The question to ask is "How pervasive are the behaviors?" If it is an ongoing pattern and not a one-time event, then it is absolutely a form of covert abuse.
I think being ignored is the worst part! This is the ultimate control. Your distressed and need interaction. By witholding it, they trump you every time. It is so sinister. I find the silences the hardest part. Even more so than them turning the story around to blame you.
This is soooo spot on ,,where are the videos that tell you what he wants ?Yes the covert narc husband stonewalls,gaslights,withholds,passive aggressive but what does he want ? 31 year’s married I am haveing a affair with his best friend ,is that what they want ?
Just found out my Wife is a covert NPD. And it makes so much sense. No empathy. Rages, or shuts down, cries in hysterics. Doesn’t contribute at all to building a life. Super disorganised with me. But spends a lot of time and money on her hair, nails, skin. Infidelity. Flips things around. My wellbeing has been subjugated. Can’t be confronted
Are men the only ones who emotionally abuse others? You have great knowledge and experience in the matter. Women can be emotionally abusive too,and im a victim. It would be helpful for you to mention this to your viewers
Touche. Thanks for your feedback. Our more recent videos do address this. Here is one: Relationship with a Female Narcissist ruclips.net/video/N68Ch10E51k/видео.html
Oh my God. Passive aggressive to the max & I always think he is acting like a Toddler but I try to word it more gently when I am trying 2 have an adult conversation with him. . . I don't think he CAN have an adult, more objective & self aware dialogue. . .
That's my wife...I gave my best to her and she pretended all the time...just heartless...and most people including family believe a tearful woman over a fuming man...fuming because of the injustice and heattlessness...what a fool I have been to believe she "loved me"...
I have heard those things, I know they are wrong...I feel so much bitterness and hatred from those words....I think Im perfect, mrs perfect....I think ive got it all together...obviously not if I'm with him...
I am not sure I ever met a "true" Christian, and I grew up in a Christian family and went to church for 25 years. Don't get me wrong, some folks are kind, but even then self sacrifice often seems like an ideological incorporation of being a doormat. It seems to me that everyone is evil to a degree and if you don't think so you are probably in denial. But talking to yourself (prayer) and believing in nonsense doesn't seem to fix it.
Can you help a man that makes up tall stories to cause a division between me and my family then gets mad if I don't believe his lies. I've been told to stay away from him but I love him 😢
But assuming "he is bad, she is good". Why gender this? Many men are in relationships with problematic women, who behave this way, albeit with their own gender/biological derived nuances
There were two fist size punched holes in the bedroom wall by where he sleeps. Not sure if he did it in his sleep or when it happened but he had my 16-year-old daughter and I come into the room to show us and completely blamed one of us for doing it. Would not even accept the fact that maybe he did it while sleeping. He was addiment that we did it or even a ghost. That was the last straw for me, and I filed for divorce. Now that I look back, it was great many years but the last 6 years his anger has gotten worse. We do walk on eggshells, and it gets exhausting. He has two moods, and you can see it in his eyes when he changes. I feel sad for him hate that his world has fallen apart since I filed, and he moved out. But it was worth it for my daughter!
Be very careful when violating/abusing a person covertly. When the person exposes you & heals publicly, I almost guarantee that it’s not going to evoke the same humor. Laugh track anyone? 😂
Make no mistake this abuse can drive a person insane.
Agreed, thanks for your input
"The withdrawal, the withholding of affection, the pouting...the actions so that he gets what he wants...stonewalling...gaslighting" and I still don't even know what he wants...
This absolutely describes my life of 36 years of marriage to my husband. Thank you, Dr. Hawkins, for the work you are doing! I have repeatedly listened to so many of your videos, read your articles/books - so helpful. You know what many of us victims are going through. My health and emotional well being have suffered so much and the fact that nobody can see the wounds/damages my husband has caused is truly debilitating at times. God has been my Rock, my Strength, and I pray for all the other women who are suffering as well. May God abundantly bless you!
Thank you for your feedback and God bless you in your healing journey
This was so spot on…. So painful and so depressing….. the emptiness and the loneliness is unbearable. I feel like it’s their goal to break you so badly and push you to the limits of mental physical, and emotional exhaustion to solidify his public image that he is the poor martyr stuck in this marriage with his lunatic wife.
I’ve learned not to ask or even hint at anything I want because if he gets wind of it then it becomes his mission to find passive aggressive ways to make sure it stays out of my reach.
Omg this is spot on. I lived this for years and years. I finally was introduced to this type of abuse and was relieved that I wasn’t as crazy that he had made me believe. Finally got the nerve to Get out of that hell hole. Much much happier person.
We're glad to hear you recognize the abuse now and are in a better place.
Thank You! I am leaving my covert emotionally abusive relationship. And I needed to strength to see what I see… you nailed ALL his traits, he’s not violent but he is NOT the guy he appears on the outside
It feels like the life is being sucked out of you.
It sounds like you have experienced this first hand. Please reach out to us if you would like information on how we can help. Our Client Care team can be reached at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
My God yes. Especially if you have been guilted and punished from a previous one.
bc it is...they literally steal your life-force energy from you
Yes
So thru
I finished this relationship with the tank almost empty!!!!
Wow! So perfectly said! They are spineless demonic creatures. I live this and its sick!
Sorry to hear you are experiencing this and hope that you are getting some help. For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletters for more helpful articles and videos from our therapists: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
All those years I always thought it was because I was doing something wrong. When I finally realized what was going on, it was still my fault according to him.
After having watched multiple videos on Covert Narcissism- this video explains my life for the last 20 years. This is spot on with what I have been dealing with. I had my first Panic attack when we were first married and now I am suffering mentally and physically. I am turning 60 this year. I have left him before, only to return. I have my dogs and possessions that I can't seem to leave behind. Starting over scares the heck out of me and I have no friends or family left willing to help me.
Self care needs to be number one ☝🏽 Focus more on what YOU need 🤗
Don't worry, trust in God. Literally, there are people all around us who will be closer and kinder than family. Please don't worry, you will find them. Focus on self care for a few years
Ditto! I know how u feel. I'm in the same boat
This is one of the best, most straightforward explanations of this type of abuse i have seen. I must listen on a regular basis when i miss him and feel weak. Mine shows his abuse as extreme moodiness as a contol mechanism. Silences. Witholding love. He HATES it when i say the word moody and flatly denies it. And just like you say, its your fault. He isnt the issue, it is you. Always! Whatever happens, it is always your fault. No responsibility taken. No sitting down discussing issues. Everything on his terms. Cuddles, talking, smiling, laughing. None of that happens unless he wants it. Yet the moods change in an instance and your expected to be receptive when he wants, in your place and do what he wants when he wants! So glad to be reminded we are not going mad. It isnt us. It is them. This is my third relationship in a row with men like this. I saw it early on with this one, but still didnt get out. Loneliness and longing for a connection, makes you push fears and worries to the back of your mind. And of course these type of men shower you with affection when THEY want. It is truly insidious behaviour. Btw. I LOVE the look of your garden. 🌲🪴🌿
We're glad you found it helpful. You can access more related content and helpful advice from our therapists by subscribing to our RUclips channel, or sign up for our mailing list to be notified of new content!www.marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list
Agreed 💯🎯🎯
As my husband got older there was absolutely no unity nor agreement in our relationship. He even made going out for coffee into an ugly scene. He with held physical affection for 15 years. He broke me. Then he passed away. Jesus has healed me. But I had so many sad years in my 35 years of marriage I wish I could forget.
It's good to hear it being called out. So many people don't see it.
They steal your identity and personality from you. Once you are a empty shell they reflect their true self onto you. Never again! May God save all victims. The sadness, chaos and destruction they cause is a indescribable. If you see it call it out! That person wants and needs your help. Even they don't know it yet themselves.
My former business partner is a covert narcissist. He's not really good at anything, but he can very cleverly pretend to be experienced in all areas. That's how I came to him. He copied my sayings, ideas and thoughts, clothes and even my car. In customer contacts, he presented himself as the doer and me as his fulfillment assistant, although no innovation or initiative came from him. He kept me out of his circles, I wasn't even invited to his birthdays after many years of working together (which was like a rollercoaster ride) and he was always out to gain external attention and image. Customers who bought his act saw me as his ballast, mistakes he had made were blamed on me. He played the modest authority figure and the root of all rationality, even though he was making bizarre mistakes and actions. By the time I realized that he was an envious phoney who was taking credit for my successes and even undermining and sabotaging ideas and projects over which he had no control, it was already too late and it took me ten years to break free from this grip. Every now and then I hear stories that he tells about me and they are pure pseudo-realities and outright lies. His partner at the time now has an alcohol problem and their son is alienated from her because of him.
Preach!!!
It leave you drain feeling like one has to throw up 🤮
After my husband’s blame shifting last night, I’ve been up all night nauseated.
Emotional abuse definitely impacts physical health as well, as talked about in this video: ruclips.net/video/khATu9nzzFU/видео.html
It’s horrific to endure
Bravo! Thank you for describing the relationship I struggled to escape from for the past 6 years. It absolutely needs to be exposed and better understood.
This is mine. And he just called me the abuser.
It's unbelievable just how you keep hitting the nail on the head with every single statement made in this video Dr Hawkins
Yep. In a covert emotional abusive relationship.... this describes it to a T. I told him "hey, I feel hurt when you snap at me." 5 hours of us fighting for him threatening to leave me then saying he doesn't want to. Barely any self awareness at all.
That is why they are called crazy-making behaviors. For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletters for more helpful articles and videos from our therapists: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
8 years later we need more even talking about this kind of abuse, it is remaining hidden and ongoing 😮
Today is the day my life fell apart. I just learned that I'm living with a covert emotional abuser. I'm physically & mentally drained. Dr. JEKYL & Mr. Hyde. I call him THE BLACK HULK! HELP PLEASE
This video validated me like healing for my soul and a deep inner sigh, I felt so comforted by having it be known perfectly (exactly as I experience it) and called wrong with someone who equally is distressed by it. Hearing this was like oil on a wound or water to a desperately parched soul. This video and others by Dr Hawkins are the only validation that truly matches my circumstance most perfectly and I am grateful.
We're so glad you found this helpful. If you would like information on healing for victims of emotional abuse, visit marriagerecoverycenter.com/counseling-programs/
You can p
Ptsd from several relationships like this. It’s more prevalent than we acknowledge.
Yes, we have always said that emotional abuse is trauma and needs specialized treatment. If you would like to learn more about our emotional abuse trauma recovery program, book a free consultation with our Client Care Team: bit.ly/3I0dntB
The fact they CANT see it. The word ‘cant’ is an understatement... 😔 can’t but also unwilling to tolerate the idea that they’re the problem...
You're right, they are unwilling to consider they are the problem, but this denial and defensiveness is one of the first things we address and work to break down in our counseling. If you want to learn more, reach out to our Client Care Team: marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/
@@drdavidbhawkins we’re seeing you very soon!
Thank you 🎉 my husband and I are in a therapeutic separation and we will walk this walk as we both aspire to a healthy relationship . Your work is a godsend.
When you said the part about feeling crazy.... It raised the hair on the back of my neck. I just said to my sister last week the exact words. Oh, I know my partner is emotionally abusive, but those words validated my feelings. I can't leave my situation. I've tried and failed several times. I'm learning after 2 years how to survive. But just when I think I've got it figured out, he throws a curve ball. Thanks for the videos and sharing your knowledge.
30 years... 30 loonnggg years. Oh how I wish this information was available many years ago.
Needs to be taught kindergarten up
My husband slams door throws things yells throws his lap top around when it doesn't work well for him. Anything that needs to be fixed is nothing ever works for him
A lot of things are mistaken for marital issues, when in fact they are issues that need to be addressed at the individual level. That is why we offer things like DBT and The Core so people can learn to process and regulate their emotions effectively and understand what they are feeling and why. We often tell people that you need to first BE well in order to love well. If you'd like to learn more about our approach and how we can help, please reach out to our Client Care Team at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
Mine was the same way. I finally filed for divorce after 27 years.
3 years into my relationship my ex started accusing me of all the things he did. He started telling people that I was the one with the temper and he accused me of stopping him from going places. I became so afraid when he started this as I had already been successfully isolated so if he successfully painted me as the abuser I'd have been completely under his thumb
If you need help breaking free of these crazy making behaviors and stop living in fear and isolation, please reach out to learn how we can help, or check out our emotional abuse recovery program: marriagerecoverycenter.com/redeemed/
Exactly the same here except he was a she 🫣😶🌫️
Indeed. This is EXACTLY descriptive of my wife of 30 yrs. Every. single. trait. "Thankfully" she has filed for divorce against me. Finally she will have to take responsibility for SOMETHING.
This video is very spot on. Almost make me wanna cry. Perfect description of my ex husband
Thanks for your comment. We hope you are in a better place now. God Bless.
Oh my....you just nailed what I have been dealing with for the past 20yrs.
You are so correct on everything you have said.
I have been saying "You are a jekyll & Hyde. " for years.
Love him very much but it is time for a change...
I know I will be fine. Thank you so much for this information...
Pretty darn sure you should be on Dr. Phil to get this message out.
Take care and thanks again.
Glad you found it helpful. If you would like to learn about how intervention can be a catalyst for change, check out Part 7 of the series: ruclips.net/video/3iAWf_Gk4uk/видео.html
I could've written those exact same words! Well said.
I love your pictures on the wall, they are unique and really cool!😎
Spot on description and information!!!!
Thank you soooo very much. Today is the first time I've seen your video. Wow...this is 100% accurate.
We're glad you found it helpful. You can access more related content and helpful advice from our therapists by subscribing to our RUclips channel, or visiting us at marriagerecoverycenter.com/blog
BINGO
Such awesome videos.
Thank you and God bless you.
From JANESVILLE, WI
Wow. What an intelligent man you are. You nailed it!!!
He is exactly right.
MERCI BOUCOUP ,Thank you for sharing this message
Living with the passive aggressive man by Scott Wetzier was a good eye opening resource.
20 years. Today is our wedding anniversary. He did it again...on our 20th anniversary. I will die if I keep doing this. I’m done.
The latter videos in this series talks about intervention, boundaries and treatment. ruclips.net/video/3iAWf_Gk4uk/видео.html
🥺 I almost made it to my 20 anniversary. I just couldn't keep doing it anymore. Pretending like everything was okay just to spare his feelings. Because I knew what was coming if I said enough. "Double crucified" that's what it felt like. Crucified in the flesh and spiritually broken until it felt as if I was just floating around with nothing to live for. But I thank God! I'm so over that now! He has been my Anchor, my Rock, my fortress and my strength. Praise Him!
This is so true
Currently going through this for 17 years. I am looking how to escape safely but that seems impossible.
My husband seems to be doing this. Yesterday was a nightmare and my mind is still reeling from this, like my mind is in a fog. He is faithful but this abuse has made me want to flee many times. I had been with this man for over 11 years, I am silent as my mind is screaming.
Here are some videos on healing, hope you find them helpful. Healing From Emotional Abuse playlist:
ruclips.net/p/PLzb_gedZa6y5VGEhh3V4Qt_Ksb0CNFdIz
it is so subtle that i did not realize what was happening 2 me. thankfully i did keep a journal and i had been so confused for the last 6 months. i had become extremely emotionally unstable… i don’t think i handled myself well when i started feeling like a burden and was convincing myself i should be okay with emotional unavailable. i began having rash outs which then i was so deeply ashamed by. we began having minute arguments. my friends told me i hadn’t been like myself. i want to own up to my own inability to set boundaries. my partner left me suddenly and told me it was because i wasn’t able to love him the way he needed. i wish both of us deep healing and still send him love
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. I had a memory of when my son was young and it instantly became a memory of how my narcissist has just ruined my whole life. Very disparaging not to even be able to have a purely happy memory. 😢
I am wondering about this dynamic being present due to undiagnosed ADHD, learning disability and ASD. It seems the covert behavior and emotional neglect is learned behavior from trying to manage symptoms and also a lot of denial that it is in fact as bad as it is on a personal level since he is able to maintain the mask in public and career. There is diagnosis and medication going on 2 years now but still very little self awareness even with counseling. Progress is very slow; if real at all. I am still getting blindsided often. I’m exhausted and used up. Is the continued “symptoms” a sign that he isn’t committed to fully managing and taking responsibility for his diagnosis yet. And is it unfair for him to expect me to endure just because he has a diagnosis?
My mother and now my siblings and their partners. It’s like a disease.
It is often a learned behavior, or a negative adaptation to trauma, so it can be passed on. For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletters for more helpful articles and videos from our therapists: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
Record and share, Record and share, Record and share to everyone when you get out.
Oh yes!! He was like that for 2 decades. A living hell. When it was at its worst I remember wondering if I was actually in hell.
But he changed. And I changed first. Thank you Dr David Hawkins. Your kind face and understanding words, your wise words gave me hope some years ago. I found you on RUclips and your words changed my life. You gave me hope. Thank You, I hope you see this.
I'm still married and things are different. Marriage is much better. But my adult children have been affected by it all. One now has narcasistic behaviour and is dysfunctional. But perhaps in time my child will change too. I believe there is always hope, but things don't change unless we do something. My adult child is on their own difficult path now.
Thank you for sharing your story. Everyone must walk their own difficult journey to reach the destination God has for them, but God will place people on the path to help. You only need to reach out and as you say "do something." And your story will give hope to many who need to hear this.
They need to get into adult children of alcoholic and dysfunctional homes
Mine confused me so much ..he has this but 90 percent of the time he love-bombs and it's wonderful. Then he changes into a different person for no apparent reason.
I wish my ex could've listened to this and actually had it sink in, because you described him to a T, but I doubt he would ever see himself in this. He had anger right below the surface at all times, just under his Mr. Nice guy facade. After 40 years I realized that I never existed for him in this relationship. I lost the major part of my adult life just being someone for him to project onto, to use, to reject, to resent, and in the end he never even really got to know me.He gave me just enough crumbs of "Love" to keep me hoping things could change. I'm left sick and exhausted and broken. I feel like I was cheated out of any hope of having a good healthy deep relationship simply because I was ignorant and did not know what a covert Narcissist was or how to deal with one. You're exactly right. He was a nice guy...Until he wasn't, and I've paid a very high price in my life for not understanding what to do about it.
We hope you have found healing and healthy love. Thanks for your comment
Rather than blow up the retirement fund and divorce he has opted for anxiety medication. It’s helps. For him the motion to stay on them is how much better his career is going on them. But him trying to be nice after 34 years just comes off as creepy.
I feel crazy because a lot of my behaviour could be interpreted as this but it's been in response to being whittled down. Having many conversations shut down/belittled/gaslit, I just stopped trying to communicate and fawned or shut down instead. I withdrew my affection because I was repulsed at being treated poorly. It's very confusing as there is a lot of mirroring in these sorts of dynamics and it's hard to really come to terms with which side of the coin you're on.
Another common "Play the victim" line is, when you're trying to point out something wrong or how they disrespected you, instead of getting validation, you'll get defensiveness, denial "wasnt my intention", gaslighting "that didn't happen/you're perceiving it wrong, blameshifting "i did _ because you _" , or playing victim "You're right! I'm just a piece of shit." Or "Sorry I cant have everything be PERFECT for you"
I get all these in a week. He can go weeks being sweet but out of nowhere Mr Hyde..for 6 years. I'm dying inside
We understand, it's death by a thousand cuts. If you would like to learn how we can help, please reach out to info@marriagerecoverycenter.com or (206) 219-0145.
Get help or get out
How do you stop this. It won't stop until I walk out.
He will make promises and never fulfill them
I would like this to see this model of conflict resolution to be brought into every country around the world in relationships families and in the workplace. I believe it is so badly needed a highly informed balanced and solution-focused perspective. Perhaps I am mistaken but policy makers everywhere could do with this training in conflict resolution and to put it into their current very black and white policies which are not providing solutions and underestimate the power of what Dr Hawkins and his excellent team are doing here and his excellent understanding and vision for lasting peace to what can appear to be intractable conflicts if this could happen it would be a huge tribute to his fantastic legacy of work and effort for his entire career. In my humble opinion, Dr Hawkins deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for his work and contribution to conflict resolution.
My teacher is a covert abuser,I feel suffocated, emotional☹️☹️☹️☹️
I am going through that
Thankyou
Hope you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback
This is very hard for men who experience this from women. I found myself not being able to explain to people I was feeling emotionally abused by a woman. I felt like I was weak and it was job to shoulder the emotions for our family.
Yes, it is definitely less talked about when it's the other way around. Here is one of a few videos we have that specifically addresses men who are abused: Relationship with a Female Narcissist
ruclips.net/video/N68Ch10E51k/видео.html
Truth!!
This is my mother. Is there anywhere I can go where people will believe me? I'm not married but I can't seem to find much on this in that context.
It's difficult to find support when the abuse is covert. Healing begins by recognizing that the only thing you can control in this situation is yourself. Almost all the concepts we talk about for healing from emotional abuse applies to relationships outside of marriage, including family, friends, co-workers, etc. For more related content, check out our RUclips channel, or sign up for our mailing list for helpful articles and marriage saving tips delivered directly to your Inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/G
My life for years.
Where are the first two parts? I can’t seem to find them.
ruclips.net/user/drdavidbhawkinsplaylists
There's a Playlist titled "Healing Together From Narcissism and Emotional Abuse." This is where you will find all the videos in the series. The upcoming ones will be posted there as they come out.
✅ good video
You are right. A 67 year old Narc ruined my life.
Oh my GOD thank you whomever you are - I must find your name. I felt bad being financially reliant due to cancer of thyroid & then fibroids & hysterectomy. I get love bombed everyday & many apologies then hatred/looks at me like I'm the devil. And I am very honest with how I feel & constantly beg him for just a few days of peace. He can't do one night of peace and has me convinced I am the abusive or bad person because I refuse to have sex with a person being mean to me. Am I wrong??? Last time I caved and had sex I had to get really drunk & cry in bathroom, convincing myself in bathroom that I had to do this. So isn't that me manipulating him? All I know is he breaks many things - many holes in walls & I am always scared - and he always says I have no right 2 b afraid because he is not a "woman hitter" I am soooo confused - help!!!! Oh and P.S. he is angel to everyone- gives $20-$40 to a neighbor for no good reason when we can't afford rent, resulting in all our neighbors thinking he's soooo wonderful. The 16 year old girl on 3rd floor overlooking our cottage knows though. So I can't be that crazy. This young female tells ME, a 42 year older I am being abused. . . . Sorry just don't know how to get out. . . . But thank you 4 helping me realize I am not crazy . . . .
At least you have one nice, good neighbor. You should hangout with her more, no matter what age she is. She is fortunate not to have experienced emotional abuse so she knows it when she sees it. A lot of us, myself included, grew up with so much dysfunction and toxicity that when it shows up in our lives, it is hard for us to see it because we are so used to it.
Is there an online class and group counseling? How do we as spouses handle this, confront issues?
Hi Cheryl, yes we do offer online and group counseling. Most couples start with a Marriage Evaluation which allows the therapist to identify and confront the issues and formulate a customized plan for healing and recovery based on your unique situation. Please reach out to our Client Care Specialists for more information at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
@@drdavidbhawkins I was thinking more for the spouse married to the narcissist. Getting a narcissist to cooperate is difficult. It's called save yourself. Save your own mental and emotional wellbeing.
Interesting as the narcissist abuser i just escaped was nicknamed Jekyll & Hyde by his mother, as a kid 😮
I am visualing him as a soul sucking zombie and i cant waste another breath from my lungs trying to make him see his problems. I have to find the strength every day to be a nurturing mother and I'm dying inside.
This is so accurate!
Thanks for your feedback. If you found this video helpful, subscribe to our channel for more related content, or sign up for our newsletters for helpful articles and videos from our therapists sent to your inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
I've lived through four years of it. I'm leaving him because of it. I'm not signing up for the abuse anymore. I could heal faster if he'd just hit me. Unfortunately the wounds are not seen. I don't think he wants to be this way but I don't think he realizes it. If I stay he never will change. Maybe my leaving will open his eyes. I'm not going to go back to him. I hope he changes and finds a good wife.
Are ignoring and neglect part of covert emotional abuse as well?
The question to ask is "How pervasive are the behaviors?" If it is an ongoing pattern and not a one-time event, then it is absolutely a form of covert abuse.
I think being ignored is the worst part! This is the ultimate control. Your distressed and need interaction. By witholding it, they trump you every time. It is so sinister. I find the silences the hardest part. Even more so than them turning the story around to blame you.
This is soooo spot on ,,where are the videos that tell you what he wants ?Yes the covert narc husband stonewalls,gaslights,withholds,passive aggressive but what does he want ? 31 year’s married I am haveing a affair with his best friend ,is that what they want ?
This needs to be not just about male coverts because are plenty of female coverts as well!
We absolutely agree, emotional abuse is rampant and not gender specific.
This fits for male or female narcissists. They both use same tactics
What about Dr Jeckel and Mrs Hyde?
Just found out my Wife is a covert NPD. And it makes so much sense. No empathy. Rages, or shuts down, cries in hysterics. Doesn’t contribute at all to building a life. Super disorganised with me. But spends a lot of time and money on her hair, nails, skin. Infidelity. Flips things around. My wellbeing has been subjugated. Can’t be confronted
Hope you found this helpful and are finding ways to heal and get your life and identity back.
Are men the only ones who emotionally abuse others? You have great knowledge and experience in the matter. Women can be emotionally abusive too,and im a victim. It would be helpful for you to mention this to your viewers
Touche. Thanks for your feedback. Our more recent videos do address this. Here is one: Relationship with a Female Narcissist
ruclips.net/video/N68Ch10E51k/видео.html
Oh my God. Passive aggressive to the max & I always think he is acting like a Toddler but I try to word it more gently when I am trying 2 have an adult conversation with him. . . I don't think he CAN have an adult, more objective & self aware dialogue. . .
How do you know that you are not the abuser? Or are the abuser? Im so lost, im so confused.
100% Every. single. word.
That's my wife...I gave my best to her and she pretended all the time...just heartless...and most people including family believe a tearful woman over a fuming man...fuming because of the injustice and heattlessness...what a fool I have been to believe she "loved me"...
What do you mean we will be the ones to bring change???
I can't change him. He doesn't take heed to good advice. He willfully does his own thing.
Exactly that...we need to make the changes, they won't. We go grey rock, we leave when we can.
When they hit you, at least the bruises fade. The psychological damage of abuse lasts a lifetime.
I have heard those things, I know they are wrong...I feel so much bitterness and hatred from those words....I think Im perfect, mrs perfect....I think ive got it all together...obviously not if I'm with him...
you say we must "call it out". Is that to ourselves or to them ?
Both, excellent observation.
@@drdavidbhawkins What purpose does it serve to call it out to the narc ? Why is that good for them since they know what they are doing
Can a covert narcissist actually be a true Christian? If so, where is the fruit?
NowY
No way
I am not sure I ever met a "true" Christian, and I grew up in a Christian family and went to church for 25 years. Don't get me wrong, some folks are kind, but even then self sacrifice often seems like an ideological incorporation of being a doormat. It seems to me that everyone is evil to a degree and if you don't think so you are probably in denial. But talking to yourself (prayer) and believing in nonsense doesn't seem to fix it.
Which one is the bad one
Please remember- women do if as well.
I fell into this and only realised 3 years ago what I was dealing with...
I am confused. Is covert emotional abuse only done by males?
Yes!!!
Can you help a man that makes up tall stories to cause a division between me and my family then gets mad if I don't believe his lies. I've been told to stay away from him but I love him 😢
Stay tuned for Part 7 of the series that talks about intervention and boundaries - 2 powerful concepts for creating change.
@@drdavidbhawkins amazing. Thank you!!
Leave now. It’s not love.
But assuming "he is bad, she is good". Why gender this? Many men are in relationships with problematic women, who behave this way, albeit with their own gender/biological derived nuances
There were two fist size punched holes in the bedroom wall by where he sleeps. Not sure if he did it in his sleep or when it happened but he had my 16-year-old daughter and I come into the room to show us and completely blamed one of us for doing it. Would not even accept the fact that maybe he did it while sleeping. He was addiment that we did it or even a ghost. That was the last straw for me, and I filed for divorce. Now that I look back, it was great many years but the last 6 years his anger has gotten worse. We do walk on eggshells, and it gets exhausting. He has two moods, and you can see it in his eyes when he changes. I feel sad for him hate that his world has fallen apart since I filed, and he moved out. But it was worth it for my daughter!
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like he really needs help and hope he will someday get the help he needs to experience wholeness and healing.
@@drdavidbhawkins thank you so much!
True
Be very careful when violating/abusing a person covertly. When the person exposes you & heals publicly, I almost guarantee that it’s not going to evoke the same humor. Laugh track anyone? 😂
There is no dr. Jeckyll - only mr. Hyde and his mask
It can be Mrs Hyde &
Mrs Dr Jeckle.