Why Do INFJs and INFPs ALWAYS Feel Like the Outsider?
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- Опубликовано: 9 июл 2024
- INFJ and INFP personality types tend to always feel like the outsider because we’re so different from other people. But there is also another, deeper, reason that we feel like we don’t fit anywhere and it has to do with what we experienced from our family growing up as an INFJ or INFP.
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"The Introverted
Intuitive has, in a way,
a very difficult life,
although one of the
most interesting lives."
Carl Jung
I say not only interesting, also ‘real’ - we are not just breezing through, we are really experiencing this place.
He said that? Cool!
CARL JUNG SAID IT BEST ... & I AGREE WITH THIS GREAT MAN,(** CARL JUNG **)!4/23/2023
You are correct. Ppl are not ready for us.
I like the view it that way. Makes me feel better about being so alone. Like I'm just to out there for most people. They aren't ready for me. So when they are. They will come to me. Lol.
I am an INFP, and all my parents were ESTJ. Every. Single. One.
My boyfriend is an INFP and I’m an INFJ and I feel like this is one of the things that brought us together. We could both relate to feeling like an outsider and we both had existential difficulties lol
My wife is an INFP, and I'm an INFJ. For me it was just such a relief to have met someone (especially in a partner) who actually understands what it's like to be an intuitive in this world!
This is so true! I am so intuitive and it's always creeped people out! I don't know many intuitive people, specially introverte intuitive people. I live in Brazil, it's a very extroverted country and introvertion and intuition are not very appreciated here. My family has too many issues that they feel content to just ignore and as a child I always pointed them out hoping to solve them, but I was called a liar and they made me doubt what I was seeing. To this day, 40 years old, I still doubt my intuition. Thank you for shedding the light on this subject.
I'm so sorry you went through that with your family. Sadly, it's quite a common occurrence for intuitive people. I think this is also one of the reasons we tend to be "late bloomers," because we have a hard time accepting our gifts until later in life.
I too identify with pointing out problems and being dismissed or made to believe they weren’t there. So glad to have found others like me.
The Champ has a name and its Charles Oliveira 🇧🇷
The two warmest strangers that became immediate friends, who hugged me like I was their long lost sister were from Brazil. I met one in a grocery store aisle. I was content to leave the store with her but I had something else to do. This has nothing to do with what u said, but I’m just giving a shout out to ur people!
I am an American and an introvert that lives in Brazil. The extroverted cultural here weighs heavy on me sometimes, I’ve been here over 10 years now, when I get overwhelmed, o have to escape into music or my head sometimes. Dunno how you could have grown up like this, it just have been rough.
So true , after spending my entire life trying to “fit” in in my mature age ( I’m 55 ) I decided just to be me.. and oh boy the more people I meet, the more o enjoy been alone . So for whoever it may help: one day you realize that your soul mate has been always been you , accept it, embrace it and you will never feel alone (or need anyone else ) in your life .
Best wishes to you all
Franz
I do know this as an adult.
Hearing you describe it from a child’s perspective just gave me one of Oprah’s Aha! moments. I was known to be weird by first grade. I was bullied and blah blah blah, it was rejection city the whole time. Accepted. What I never saw until this video is How it happened that I was rejected by my own family members, as a child. I grew up thinking it was bc I was unlovable. I didn’t love myself until my late 40’s. By the age of 32 I knew I was lovable bc I became a mother, but it took about 15 more years for me to crack the seal. I’ll be analyzing this for a while, like any respectable INFJ. Thanks a lot!
As a child, I was always saying the "wrong thing" and getting in trouble for it. I didn't know the script, but was expected to adhere to it. And as Lauren said, there would be consequences afterwards. I too felt like something was wrong with me, and having my stepdad saying so on top of it all made it so much worse. The only way to have peace was to become a people pleaser, and constantly seek validation that I am doing "the right thing". Later in my high school years, I made up stories about myself so I would seem cool and be accepted. But they saw right through me, and I only ended up feeling humiliated and even more like an outsider.
I feel like I have found my tribe reading all of the comments here. It only took 48 years to figure it out and find you all.
I'm an INFJ all day long. My dad is an ISTJ and for whatever reason told me (every single day!) that I was exactly like him. I ended up going into the same professional field as him, and in my 40's, I cracked. I'm now trying to reinvent myself, so to speak, but it is extradinarily difficult as I have a family to support now. All the signs were there early on that I needed to be doing something different with my life, but I just wanted to please and had no other direction other than where he was guiding me. I don't think he intended harm, but that was kind of abusive in my opinion. I wouldn't dream of forcing my kids down the path that I took because "it was the best one for me, so it will be for them also".
Nah, that’s old fashioned and narrow-minded but people have been ingrained to see it as secure. Security-focused parents find it really important that their kids are practical. You are creative and open-minded, by nature - and obviously really devoted to your father, which is always in style. Parents sure don’t last forever.
I'm an INTP writer and I feel the same way
I have always felt like the outsider. From playing kickball at school recess to playing music on stage in college, and everywhere in between, but especially at work. Although I’ve felt kinship with some people who had similar interests, rarely have I felt understood. Sometimes people closest to me call me crazy or weird. But it’s ok. I own it. I’m learning to lean into that, and still be the awesome self I know I can be. But it’s taken a long time and a lot of learning, growing, and working on myself, and reducing the negative people and groups that give off that vibe. It’s a process, and I’m further along than I was, and I’ll keep growing and finding my people as I learn to live out and express my truth. I look forward to the days when more and more people I’m around get me and cheer me on. Thanks Lauren for another insightful and helpful video!
You said it Shane. It is a "process," and I think when we can see it as a process we're not so hard on ourselves about not accomplishing this big deep work overnight.
We should start a club
I feel everything u say
I can relate to the "Being in line with other people" moment. Where people's impatience and anger bubbles over. It feels like I am wearing an uncomfortable suit of pin needles.
Brilliant - thank you so much! True - my parents were frightened because i have always worn my heart on my sleeves - but i learned with all these years (am 59 soon) that sometimes it is better to bite your tongue off instead of saying something - but today i said it: (it was the goodbye lunch of my daughter's farewell from a boarding school)
i said to all the parents and people there - (and of course, the pupils who had just finished their exams): that WE SHOULD NEVER KILL THE LITTLE CHILD IN OURSELVES - i made that clear to all of them - that this is the most important "person" in our bodies - because if we do - our fire is extinguished - but as INFJs are - i lacked words - i can better write such stuff :) however - those who needed to understand that answer - did and thanked me :) (it was hard to speak up in front of all of them) ;)
How many times did my mom use that expression with me?
That’s really cool. I am exactly your age but I want to be 11. I’m actually working around the edges of how I can be 11 or 12, for all intents and purposes. I spent most of my childhood outside and my world there was amazing from the age of 5. By 8th grade, the worst of the bully years, I’d lost touch with that kid. Now that I am a grandmother and pretend to be a little kid (5 or 6) with my grandson, I’m seeing that I have the option of existing that way! As a perspective - don’t plan to do any regression 😉
Thanks for this Lauren. At midlife, I've been through many of these experiences. I've lost a lot, been through a lot, and am still going through a lot. Although I don't yet have the life that would be healthiest and happiest for me, at least I've come to understand why life has felt so difficult and confusing. I live in hope, take one day at a time, and use my creativity to imagine what my future could look like, and that's what keeps me going.
Hi Carole, thanks so much for sharing that. I've found that almost all INFPs and INFJs tend to have harder-than-average life experiences, and we also tend to come out on the other side with a greater sense of compassion and clarity about life. Taking it one day at a time was the best piece of wisdom I learned years ago from AA. It's really the best we can do!
Thank you so much, Lauren! I’m in my 40’s and I’ve never felt more seen. I’ve subscribed to your channel and am super excited to hear more of your insights in regards to INFP-A personality types with extreme intuitiveness. Grateful for your meaningful work, Lauren.
That's wonderful Grace! I'm really glad to hear this is resonating with you, and it's helpful. :)
I never thought about that. I feel like I wanted to be seen and nurtured for so long that I got unhealthy, like number 4 in The Umbrella Academy Series.
I have this insane need to love somebody nurture them and be kind too. It can come across suffocating.
I haven't officially been tested, but I can relate to seeing through the mask. It's a little challenging to train myself to "play dumb" to what I see because others can't handle it. I know that relationships will be better in general if I limit some of my insights on things.
This fit so perfectly. As a teenager, I became very extraverted and highly active in all kinds of groups in order to find people outside of the home and to avoid home. Very successful in that, a)most of my family (females) resented me and b) I learned those achievements changed/meant nothing in the end.
Also…in human design, I’m a self-projected projector….also relatively rare. Somehow your video and that helps with the uniqueness…but still feel an outsider. Whenever I try to accept the advice of others…..it tends to backfire for me. But I’m so conditioned. Sigh….but life is good and I’m grateful and enjoy my spiritual/intuitive ways! I hope ya’ll do too!
I'm 45 and have felt like an outsider for years and hope it goes on for life 😀I wonder if this world is actually meant for us.
45 yo Male INFP here also !
Yes, it is! Everyone of us is here for a reason. You might have noticed that you have affected certain people and situations throughout your life, for the better. That’s one of the reasons you (we) belong here. Think of what a more shallow place it would be, without us to provide insight - and whimsy.
This was so enlightening! I am an ENFP, but this explains a lot to me. I always knew something was wrong with my parents. I am very outspoken, and my parents encouraged that, except when it was toward them. Thank God- My grandparents were wonderful and let me be myself. With them, I was welcomed to name the dysfunction. Wow! I NEVER saw that. Thank you so much!
You're telling the story of my life, but your insight brings me healing, positive energy, and the encouragement I need to quit looking back, live my life in a way that makes me happy, and I might add, to reject the voices that continue to put me down. Thank you.
A million million thank-you’s for making this video. I am an INFP. Your videos have been bringing a lot of healing for me, especially in terms of accepting myself. 💜💚
We are made into family scapegoats even in adulthood ❤
Spot on, as usual. Thank you, Lauren, for validating our experiences and helping us to not only accept, but also honor, who we really are!
For any other INFJs, do you feel your heartfelt vulnerability and/or insights and/or needs aren’t even heard? Like I’ve had conversations with different people in my life where it’s like they can’t even hear what I’m saying. For ex., me trying to own my part in a situation and the other person telling me I’m avoiding responsibility for my actions right afterwards. Or ways that I offer my understanding or try to explain where I’m coming from or my attempts to meet someone where they are at get twisted and used against me? And it doesn’t seem to just be narcissists that do this.
Thank you for this 😢😢
~infp
This describes me! I was so relieved when I took the MBTI for the first time. It was part of a team building event for work and it validated all the thoughts and feelings I had about myself. It gave me hope.
Dad has problem drinking, mom is narcissist 😅life story
I have often wondered about these personalities and the overlaps of trauma responses and coping mechanisms. I had few different coaches test me several years ago and it always came back infp. There wasn’t much that I could find about it that made much sense to me or was applicable. I’ve been through a few years of trauma therapy since then. During that time I came to understand c-ptsd and cluster b traits and dynamics. There is so much more content about mbp now so this past year I started to look into it. It helped me understand what’s adaptive and maladaptive. I’m still doing the work to relearn how to operate in a world not so full of threat. I’ve tried and continue to try to find peers. I’m a self employed carpenter. I build giant three dimensional mandalas based on sacred geometry as well as shelving based on that concept. The art community keeps me at a far distance for whatever their reasons are. I have no peers in my trades, seems like folks are all coming from a place of lack, it is unilateral to stab each other in the back at all times if you get dirty for a living. Kinda sucks to set this example for my son despite putting in a lot of effort to get these results. I’ll keep trying, just frustrating to be middle aged having not getting this stuff sorted out.
Big picture thinkers are always going to be outsiders. Those with a narrower lens can't fathom what we see. It's just like the hierarchy of spiritual evolution, those with broader views can be fathomed by those beneath them because those beneath them have too limited a perception. It's like the person at the bottom of a hole can only see the sides of the hole with maybe a narrow view of sky, where as those who have climbed out of the hole can see the wider horizons.
Every word is true! Thank you for saying this💙💙💙
💯! Thank you!
Great video as always!!!! 💚💚💚💚💚
Thank you for this!
Thankyou! 💜
Great video! Thank you! When I surrounded myself with ENFPs, INFPs INFJs, and, more recently, an ENFJ and an ENTP, my life became much better! My best friend is an ENTJ. We've known each other for 19 years now. Unfortunately, I've stumbled upon a couple of highly disturbed and manipulative INTJs and I'm on the verge of writing their type off. Although all three of us come from narcissistic families...
Thanks, I always like hearing that kind of info. I really appreciate and am productive with INTJ’s but personally, I keep them at arms length. I was married to an ESTJ for 30 years, I can say the same about them 😁
@@kittywalker2944 Actually I have one long-time INTJ friend and I recently befriended another one online. The two I spoke about were exes of mine. I suppose I have just encountered two very immature individuals. At the time I wrote this post, I wasn't on speaking terms with my long-time friend because of a misunderstanding, but we're good now. I wasn't clear with her about something. But I do still keep S types at an arm's length, as you said, for peacefullness sake 😂 ESFJs and ISFJs could be okay, but still...
It's good my comment has helped you.
65 have just heard of this
this was amazing. thank you
Thank God to find this channel! 🙏
Thank you for speaking out on this subtle and dynamic experience of being an INFJ. Gosh. I love how you put it to words.
Ugh I needed this, I’ve been struggling with this over and over in every phase of growing up to currently. I feel like people appreciate me at a distance, I lean on my design skills and creativity to express myself. I worry about how this will show up when I start my business
Yes, yes, and Yes. All the above. 🙌
My dad was a psychopath. He showed zero emotions ever. I could tell i didn't really exist to him. Didn't love or hate me. Called me it or you son to my mom at most. My mom would get so angry in fights with him. Say pretty horrible things about all of us. I always understood it wasn't me or my brothers really. It was just her rage and anger. Like people think my dad should have had a adverse affect on me. I'm why would he. I understand he was born missing something. He didn't choose to be this way. He only got married to look normal. Had nothing to do with me. I wasn't the problem. My mom would apologize alot. For things she said. I always said it's okay. I always understood you didn't mean what was said. It was just anger at my dad or her life. I just was happy she wasn't angry anymore.
Yes, I blurted often LOL
This is so legit.
I always feel like an outsider even with groups I should fit in with! I sense peoples vibes on an intuitive level and cant be around any ego or fake behaviour. I am an artist and musician but very rarely have I met other creative folk I resonate with. This has led me away from friend groups and social interaction. I have a strong inner live which no one understands. I think we have to learn to be at one with our aloneness. Thanks for the video.
Dit heb en maak ik nog mee.
I always feel like I'm on the outside even when I'm on the inside! I like to be with people, and have no problem mixing(occasionally). But there is a barrier that I cannot let others cross. I feel that I betray myself and my beliefs/standards of conduct, if I let them cross. Been like this since my very early teens. I'm 62 now. I trust no one but my Wife and 4 sons, that's it. It's who I am, and that's o.k. with me.
Outsider? I see your point, but I disagree with you. It's not being an outsider that defines this, it is how they makes others feel. As an INFJ, we make others scared and mirror back to these people their fears and insecurities. Introversion and intuitiveness are NOT weaknesses, they are a strength.
I hope God will send more like us on this earth, thus this mess will get fixed, maybe it is even an evolution of the humanity,
Can someone help me? I was before able to feel when someone is lying. But after being screwed over by narcissists, (damaged, hurt, betrayed, humiliated, fooled multiple times), I kind of lost this ability. I no longer feel when someone is lying and when not... Did narcissists completely damaged me or is there a chance to get this ability back?
First accept that you may be lying to yourself. Did you overlook the truth about these narcissists because they offered you something you needed? A lot of infp i know grew up feeling less than others and being associated with narcissists (who are usually confident, social and popular) gives them the validation they crave. I may be wrong about your situation but this is something I’ve seen often.
@@marybell2002 It's never a good idea to twist someone on the questioner, as you just did. Please never ever do this to someone else. It is very insensitive, most of the tame also false and rude. Never think you know someone just from the few sentences they tell you and thinking you know exactly whats is wrong with them.
@@DZ-jz8bj I did end my comment with "I may be wrong about your situation but this is something I’ve seen often." because I didn't want to make assumptions. However, it seems like you are a typical self-pitying, victim complex, cry baby, delusional, out of touch with reality INFP. I'm assuming you've always been bad at reading others, or you just cry narcissist when you're disappointed in someone. How do you know these people are narcissists? Have they been diagnosed by a professional. Why don't you take your own advice and stop assuming things about these "supposed narcissists" who screw you over. Most of the time your diagnosis is insensitive, false and rude.
Het was niet hard maar een hel.