We feel lonely because there is no reciprocity. Unless it’s another conscientious INFJ, your cup will be completely empty because all you will be doing is pouring your energy into others’ cups.
Buuut, when the loneliness gets too much, you then feel you kinda need people too... Buuut there's a good freaking reason why we choose to be alone. It's this vicious cycle that won't stop xD
@@anggorogedewaseso169 It's okay to surround you with people, but It's essential to differentiate friends and acquaintances. Carefully choose who to be friend with.
I stopped that over twenty years ago. It’s to the point where I feel like all I ever do is think and talk about myself. That’s probably not true but as an Infj it always feels that way. Taking care of myself feels selfish.
this is exactly why i have absolutely no friends at the moment. I am still looking for the full matching friendship. I dont rescue damaged people anymore, i stopped prioritizing others needs and i cultivated my inner connection and pleasure instead. It has been a very hard journey to leave all this toxicity behind knowing that i may be alone, but also deeply nourishing for my soul.
This is the wisdom we all need to be able to practice. I think at some point after eating a ton of 💩, we realize this, but battling out nature and trying to stop taking in stray dogs 😂 is the challenge. How did you start to put this into action? I get hurt and exploited and I always say I will stop 🛑. I still never do. Eventually, it make take a bit longer but I always end up caring for someone who is broken and almost never see that reciprocated.
@@fineartlifestylingive done a lot of inner work and i still do it on a daily basis. I also reflect every evening on what drained my energy and what gave me life. Every day it gets better and better.
I f'ing hate that...when they don't listen, or they steal the ideas you gave them, not getting credit for it...I mean, I don't do it for the credit...but you gotta pay your dues, it speaks of your character...people disappoint me, all the time.
I always tell people I’m like a cat. I watch you silently, read your intentions and if I think you are ok, will quietly come near. If you respond well, I’ll get closer, but it will take many, many times of this behavior for me to let you rub my belly and if you mess that up, you will never see it again!
@@Queen_Sylvia Yes! And with cats if you come up them with too much aggression we will want to run away, but if you are chill they will come towards you and we are the same way.
I'm an INFP and I have this problem. Just lost a "friend" recently once I pulled back my energy and stopped liatening to her problems when she cleary was not doing the same for me. It is lonely though.
I have come to the conclusion that many former friends of mine were fake ones. It took me long years to realize it. So I got rid of them completely. ✂✂✂ Now I enjoy solitude and serenity. 😊
I thought I was the only one! I felt like such a loser . I’m so glad I happened onto this. This is so enlightening to hear this after a difficult lifetime of disappointments.This speaker is telling me what my life has been!
I can’t get ANYONE to talk about anything deep; people I know just can’t or don’t want to talk about anything spiritual. When I do, they want to shut me down, like I’m too intense or have issues! I am putting up more boundaries and spend copious amounts of time by myself. Everything is surface skimming.
I’m INFJ, we aren’t like others, but you can’t put that on them for your own frustrations. I personally don’t have this problem, you need excellent active listening skills though, AND the medium of communication needs to be over text. There are people out there that can keep up with the INFJ mind but they are rare, however over text, I have found slowing down the conversation and giving time for them to comprehend what I am saying helps a ton. Much love
I stopped showing interest a couple years ago just to see what would happen. To my amazement and great relief, 70% of my 'friends' never reached out again.
INFJ here - I definitely resonate with the feeling of being smothered by other people but also yearning for a close and meaningful connection. I don't have any false friends though, I think I used to when I was younger and just didn't want to be alone. But if I don't like being around someone, I won't interact with them. Or if I'm acquainted with them I will remove myself if I don't feel it's right. I have only one close friend right now, but it's meaningful and real so it's worth it!
I only end up with false friends now through contexts - say, another couple where spouses are friends or some activity I’m involved in socially. I don’t go looking for them. I have one real friend, another INFJ, and we’ve been friends for over 20 years. It’s wonderful. Knowing that we attract other people who aren’t a good fit and that we need more alone time anyway, I’m much more content with life as it is - I no longer feel ‘abnormal’ - I get who I am.
The genuineness is just not mutual, you realize that even though they can count on you, you can't do the same. so it's weird that they think we're close when they do not share the same compassion towards us and our world. i think a lot of people just care for themselves, they don't even see other people just as human as they are. i dont know anymore.
But they do it as default, I don’t think it is an active choice each time, it is just their world view. I don’t know how they can not see the obvious disparity each and every time, but they do.
Great video! This is perfectly timed for my mental health at the moment... Thank you. Being INFJ'S we struggle constantly with deep connection with other's... I feel connection in the comments and with these videos. Always greatful!
Don't ask people about things you're really interested in knowing. Don't make follow up questions about things they chose to share with if you aren't really interested. When your co-workers start rambling about their child's bd party and the stressful planning. By all means, lend an ear or weight in. Just don't invest in the story by checking on them or asking follow up questions a day after the party. Please don't be fake. Yes you know they would love that asked and they would love to have the chance to unload. Don't volunteer such services. You are giving a false impression by offering a false interest.
I've realised how important it is especially as an infj to enforce very strong boundaries. I've also learned to employ a little tactic of pushing people's buttons just a little bit to see whats really inside, but also for them to not get too comfortable with me. This is very hard to do for an infj, but it's quite liberating.
They chose me but I didn’t choose them.🙅🏽 Reminds me of scriptures around not being unequally yoked, in terms of levels of consciousness and awareness. We get to choose how available we will be to non reciprocal folks.
@@fineartlifestyling yes I actually googled it recently when reflecting on grey rocking and INFJ doorslam. 2 Corinthians 6:14 asks what fellowship light can have with darkness and then 16 is where God says I will walk among them and be their God and they my people. Perhaps Jung would call this shadow integration. But then Deuteronomy 22:9 Paul advises against compromising our beliefs to syncretize with the world, like in Roman 12:2. Reminds me of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote about the greatest accomplishment is to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else. The Tao Te Ching teaches that relationships can be harmonious or disharmonious. It emphasizes harmony in the presence of opposites like the Bible.
I discovered I am an INFJ quite late in life. After watching a lot of videos about my personality type I realized how fortunate I was to have a very toxic friend when I was in middle school. After she moved away, and I was finally rid of her, I vowed to NEVER allow a person like her close to me again. Our superpower of reading people comes in very handy to filter these people away. It was a hard lesson at a young age, but it served me well as I got older.
I INFJ glad I found my wonderful INFJ husband, after that I realised I didn't need to socialise with morally exhausting people anymore. It's a load off my mind. I don't have any close friends - I have a few good mates who don't call me to complain. I'm fine with that.
People are using the word wrong i feel. To me a friend is someone who can visit me and cook funny foods and be free with. Everyone tells me 'that's too intimate' but they have other friends they do that with 😑 hypocrites!
One of the worst friends I ever had (ESTP) opened up to me about a personal trauma, and when I (INFJ) did the same, she dropped me as a friend. I guess she wanted me to accept my role as unpaid therapist instead of emotionally reciprocal friend 🙃
yeah... people kinda suck, i guess we all kinda do before we heal... but the fakery of some is puzzling/sad. i underestimated how much some people are okay receiving love based on lies. just capped a chapter of letting go of about 8 fake friends. last one professed to be my best friend and switched up like the rest when i called out negligent behavior, attempting to crush my self-esteem on the way out... i understand where our minds can go when we feel the threat of losing something we might fear we are inadequate for... life is lighter now. i don't need to be mirrored. i'm done with people who "don't know how to ask questions." stupid that the norm is to be closed off and competitive. great video as usual, thank you for this.
Or to be asked the blanket catch all question 'how are you?' when they cut you off before you have finished a sentence, feigning resonance through a 'shared experience', bearing no resemblance to what you meant, but allows them to steer the conversation back to their favourite topic. Themselves.
@@julietbecker8526 so funny when you can feel a question being lobbed your way just to keep you around, or you'll send a text and it just gets a . f my weekend i guess lol
when you said "I'm at a party, they are talking to me" is where I am lost. I have gone to a few parties in my 53 years and do not remember ever having someone talk to me other than, did you see the food etc... However, people from work have latched onto me and did the false friends thing. I have left a few jobs to Reset the crowd 🤣
A year ago I moved from my home state, at the age of 47, I mention my age to highlight life experience, meaning this aint my first rodeo in the realm of narcissists. I wonder, do some states contain a higher population of narcissists......The majority of strangers I've encountered in this new state, will literally blurt out their personal woes, in typical INFJ fashion, I"m present, I listen......and then they're done. Emotional dumping is what I call it. Because this has occurred excessively, I now just walk away. Wish I could apply this approach with my spouse. lol
Yes California, Oregon , New York , and alot of the high dollar states cities have a ton of narcissistic people. The town I am in is horrible tons of them because it’s rich man’s land . I am only here until my mom dies . Then my plan is to move to a small town on the west coast of Florida .
@SirenASMR_ Speaking from personal experience, not uneducated assumptions, I lived on the coast in Southern CA the majority of my life, perhaps what some might ignorantly consider "rich man's land". I never encountered the barrage of narcissists as I do now in Oregon, a "poor man's land" filled with uneducated people. I am in a hive of narcissists and cannot wait to return home.
Fellow INFJ - and this has been apart of my lived experience. I feared cutting out the energy vampires because then I would be alone - but I am now practicing being my own friend - those things I wish I could do with a 100% match friend - I do for myself - and that has attracted more of those aligned fulfilling moments with others - Im open to not having "friends" anymore - but rather keep my own cup full and knowing I will have those fulfilling serendipitous moments with others - Im not going to depend on finding it anymore - As an INFJ I like spending a lot of time alone - Any constat pull on my energy will not be healthy -
I'm an infp/j and I've been struggling badly recently connecting to others. In the past I helped several friends overcome serious life problems (the free therapist role). They went on to thrive then abandoned me. If I try to share anything real and authentic with new friends they usually ghost me. So it feels like the only way for me to have friends is to be a free therapist which I refuse to do. So now I'm lonely with almost no friends. I've been trying to figure this problem out for ages without much luck. I just want to have people in my life who like, respect and care about me and vice versa - authentic mutual connections. I have been thinking that perhaps society has become so stressful for people that all of us are seeking support and refuse/are unable to give any support back. There's also the cult of toxic positivity that has infected many people where all emotions except happiness and joy are perceived as negative and draining. I think its much healthier when we feel the full range of human emotions.
I can relate to every point you shared 💗 It's only natural that we want mutual connection-we are made for this. But as it is, most humans have completely lost the plot and are so far away from natural living that they might as well be lost in outer space. Have you checked how hunter gatherers live? A haven for INFJs.
Recently, I discovered that someone I considered a friend was talking behind my back two years ago, claiming that I give off negative vibes and that I'm depressed. Ironically, it was her who was experiencing those feelings !!! Regardless of how upset or depressed I am, I always try to maintain a positive attitudeand a smile. I just can't stand spreading negativity. She kept lying, claiming that I was the one who was always whining when in fact she was the one constantly venting. I simply empathized with her because I tend to be diplomatic, but she took advantage of that. This situation has made me realize the importance of maintaining a distance from such toxic individuals aka PSYCHOS. I found myself absorbing her negative energy, which affected me deeply. Moving forward, I'm prioritizing my own well-being and surrounding myself with positive influences.It's unbelievable how people can fabricate lies to paint themselves as innocent. What a messed up world we live in...
This is so true. I’m more of a lone wolf, but there’s practically always an emotional imbalance when it comes to INFJs and the so-called friendships they have. Speaking for myself though, no one should assume I’m so close to them if I never said so myself, but these things happen automatically and sometimes even after you explain yourself to people. That’s when you know they have an unhealthy attachment or obsession to you to distract themselves from their own issues or lives.
Yes, thank you Lauren. This is spot on. Been dealing with this for years. I've recently stopped showing interest and disconnecting with many of these people who have managed their way into my realm over the years. A huge weight has been lifted. Much appreciation to you for your understanding of all this and articulating it in a way that helps others.
I'm an INFP and I see this in my INFJ partner. He has a hard time trusting people. He has so much to give, to me he is kind, considerate, gentle and very selfless. He would be a great friend. He also has high expectations for people (imo). I have learned in my life that no one is perfect in friendships, I still like my friends. But my partner sees so many flaws in other people - and doesn't see the positives of community sometimes I feel 💛
Thanks for the reminder! I am very slowly transitioning towards more acceptance of their flaws in a few friends. The sad part is I can probably never be very close to them since they do not possess the ability for deep self-reflection which is foundation of intimacy.
@@beatadebski You're welcome :) I also hear you. I can tell that rejection (or maybe misplaced trust??) is so hurtful for my INFJ. He doesn't have an easy time connecting with others, he reflects and thinks so much that he doesn't have any time left to enjoy the social aspect sometimes 😅 Greetings from Germany :)
@@nellautumngirlSo true! We can be so loyal that we can't fathom how some people can be careless/thoughtless and call it a friendship. But I used to have many good friends and a few close girlfriends when I lived in the UK. My narc ex unfortunately has erased most of my confidence. (I was more a sigma INFJ or even ENFJ.) Like your husband, I'm also still caught in too much deep reflection to the point of losing all enjoyment. The good thing is I'm extremely determined and recovering close friendhships, though in a different country so my friend is far away. Greetings from Poland :)
@@SirenASMR_ I'm sorry you had this experience so often. Some people can be super inconsiderate I :( But even they have some good in them I think, they can be good entertainers, bring groups of people together or make decisions when a quick decision is needed. But sometimes I'm also just like 'Excuse me, does that person not see how rude they are being?'
I've recently made the decision to stop overstretching myself in relationships, which sometimes feels like I'm being selfish. This shift has caused a bit of an identity crisis for me, as I've always found fulfillment in supporting and counseling others. However, I've now chosen to channel my energy into a new project focused on helping strangers, rather than those who I thought were friends. Which has helped me in dealing with resentment
Thank you Lauren!!! This is so perfectly explained ❤ I am really grateful for you and your way of communicating to us how we function. So much love and gratitude to you xxxx
I’ve learned, just listen and don’t offer or give advice if not asked for it. Sometimes, people just want a listening ear. When I don’t engage, they talk less and we’re both happier😅
The more I listen, the more they talk. The more they talk, they don't listen, then they overstep stated boundaries because they didn't hear you. Then you have to deal with the impact of the violations, physically, emotionally, and situationally. They aren't having their time wasted dealing with the boundary violations because WE PAY ATTENTION, and CONSIDER THEIR INFO when we engage. It's such bullshit, imho, having to process this stuff instead of focusing on possible goals
YES 💯🤗💜INFJ🫶💜🪽 Great message and insight! Yes! 🎉 Boundaries and grounding is great tools to have and make. I have been too "weird" for most people anyway 🙃 however it's different when people need me. Our life is incredibly different from most. It's okay. Be YOU always ❤❤❤
This has happened in dating too, where someone feels super connected to me and I didn’t have a great time. We’re very good at making people feel special, I think.
I’ve been in the one sided bff scenario. To protect my sanity I had to employ the door slam tactic😢. I wish I wasn’t the way I am sometimes. I must say I feel elated and REVIVED.
I guess I have known about this phenomenon for a while, but this video just made me realize why I always feel like other people are so passive. I rarely feel like others say or do anything that's interesting and I have a hard time understanding what they're going on about. It's because they're actually boring! Everybody are just like everybody else and they seem fine with it.
OMG!!! Love ❤️ being there for a narcissist. Like a pad they can land on but it’s what they look for to go explore life and have no loyalty or know that it’s our energy that lifted them up.
You lady are a treasure ! INFJ here, discovered my personality (and everything that comes with it) last January and I've had a blast with it, englightenment to a level I never thought possibe, watching your videos has enriched that level of knowledge and is taking me to the next level of self-understanding so thank you THANK YOU so much, I really appreciate you and I'll keep watching you, have a good day
I was incarcerated once, and that environment taught me to be alone in the midst of other people. I did associate with some people, but I became selective and kept a certain distance from acquaintances. There are many narcissistic people in there. I still keep this distance from people, except for my fiance.
This has always been a problem for me. And I tell you what bugs me the most is now that after years of ME never asking for help, I can tell really quick by who's still around what kind of person THEY are when I finally do ask. 😂😮
I don't have any friend who can call bbf, i never have one! But i am lucky, my husband is my best friend, a man who accepts me who i am. I love my kids, they love me who i am as well. 3 person love me from this world, is enough for me. ❤😊..which i understand most of people their problems. I listen, that's it.❤peace
Omg! Yes! I have a “friend” who is boarderline and add, she believes we’re bffs. All she does is come over and talk about herself and won’t listen when I try to talk. I’ve helped her through her alcoholism (I also have that problem, but don’t get the same help in return). I’m working on that tho alone. You’re SO on point! I feel like you’re talking to me and you know me🤦🏻♀️🤣I’m like finally! Someone understands me! INFJ here ❤
Sadly, I have never found people who want to share deep ideas. Very few people in American society even think of these things. My "best friend" was someone I knew since childhood. It took him however to identify that we were best friends. It made a little more sense to me when he pointed out that we were both only children and so we were like brothers. After 50 years last December he suddenly announced that he no longer wanted to see me or be my friend. He also said that NOBODY wanted to be my friend. It's all very confusing to me. The only friend I seem to have left is one who is very shallow and considers me his friend. I suppose that he is, but I really don't enjoy my time with him as he never wants to go deep on ANYTHING. He's adamant as his father told him to never share unpopular opinions. His idea of a conversation is to talk about the new siding on his house. It's like having Consumer Reports as a friend. I'm now at 64 basically a hermit, and it's lonely but also okay.
I'm an INFJ and I feel lonely as well. I have no friends but I chose that as I've had people lean on me too much and use me. Narcissists and needy people. That puts me in a spot because they don't give back or betray me. I know it's my issue and responsibility to seek out friends so that I have a support system. I need to find some other INFJs. I'm also interested in deep ideas and feelings as you say and it's hard to find people who are interested in the same things I am.
I guess I was burned out by the age of 30 and realized no one really cares anyhow. I grew up with very immature parents who required everything of me. I’ve got nothing left and these days it’s just about myself (except for my work where I help people every day but I’m speaking of friendships or any personal relationship. Don’t get me started on romantic relationships. I can’t handle them.)
OMG that's so true about when we share an idea with someone and they later repeat the idea like they're the ones who came up with it and act as if they have amnesia when you remind them that it was your idea or your clever statement
I needed this video. I lost three or four friends within one year. And it makes sense..... I didn't want to be friends anymore either fake people. The last time I lost a friend, he gave me one problem and I wasn't having it anymore. I'm always giving people too many chances. I just gave my latest friend a chance to apologize and he did not so I cut him off quickly. It hurts but I feel better for being this way. I no longer will give people a million chances.
16:20 relatable. I keep telling myself that if i cut them off, I will be alone. But now I understood that its ok to be alone and be yourself. Good things will find you.
Dude... wow... as an autistic person (& INFJ), I have never felt so seen. This is my life's story in regards to trying to make friends and fit into society/school/work/what-have-you. For the longest time, I thought I was the problem. It's been so frustrating, confusing, maddening, and disappointing. I'm beginning to understand how I've been contributing to these unsatisfying relationships and how to better communicate and establish boundaries. I sincerely hope things improve for me. It has been incredibly lonely.
I feel for you being an INFJ and Autistic. I don't think it's a bad thing but I know this social world might be tough to navigate for you. I think an INFJ or INFP might be the best type of friends for you if you can find them.
Thank god. Someone who FINALLY knows what the heck I'm talking about.❤ I have actually actively been working on shielding so I can tell the difference between my emotions and someone else's, and oh boy has it made all the difference!
Infj male here. It's not that the infj is weird. The problem is many people will drop their morals when it suits their interests. The infj though will normally self sacrifice to do the right thing so it's hard for them to sincerely admire and like those that don't.. the majority not only drop their morals when it suits them the strong ones will get away with it and attract like minded supporters liable to perceive the soft spoken infj as weak.
Spot on! Good to see how I've grown and matured. I hold back on providing so much help because I've encountered this. I can also tell who isn't really ready to receive compassion, wisdom, etc - discernment is a great practice. Great video!!!!
This video randomly popped up in my feed and just for giggles, I watched it. Would you believe, I got a text from one of those false friends and eye rolled so hard 😂 I feel like I'm in too deep and made myself too available and I can't get rid of her
It seems like I hear so often that we all NEED other people just like we NEED good nutrition, hydration, and exercise to stay healthy. I call bollocks on that. People cause me nothing but stress, pain, and misery (with a few dearly-loved exceptions). If I never saw another human for the rest of my life (except for that special, select handful), I’d be ok with it. More than ok. People just suck.
This happens to me when guys say they just wanna be friends and end up wanting to date me bc we have a “connection” 🙄 no I’m just showing compassion and empathy 😅
Lauren, you are brilliant… I used to feel cursed and be bummed out about being an INFJ… then I found your channel. Thank you for your content. This episode of yours assists me in being more aware of being Co-Dependent. Growing up being the eldest daughter of a single mom… I was groomed to be a caretaker and ignore my own needs. Your channel is healing me. Thank you.
Your amazing, so smart.... my counterpart.... I feel for you, as that infj child.... are all infj childhood's so wild.... or do some have it mild.... I wonder if a infj child grew with love an respect.... and not neglect.... with emotional needs met, and intellect.... not being made to feel mad.... rejected or bad.... would it of changed.... or even rearranged.... those intriguing four letters.... which allows us to forgive our debtors.... having such devotions.... for those in the oceans.... and lost at sea.... but why is it, nobody's there for you or for me.... like genuinely.... or wholeheartedly.... are we to needy.... are we conversation greedy.... are we to weedy.... maybe to speedy.... an enigma rapped up in mystery.... a caring soul that goes right back through history.... the councilor the advocate the helper the healer.... introverted yet an extroverted feeler.... from luther King, gandhi, and jesus.... all tirelessly trying to please us.... for love they will bleed.... are there for those ìn need.... very noble indeed.... but thats just the infj.... its just our way.... higher love.... is from above.... always a shoulder to cry on.... what a Don.... but when were in need people's suddenly gone.... no where to be found.... how profound.... the lone wolf way..... the lonesome infj... left cold and lonely which causes a shiver.... guess Justin said it best "cry me a river" lol we strong 😂 😢 ❤
I learned while in Mexico for a visit to not even look at the person by the end of the trip. Before I look at there whole profile and consider it. What a learning curve. Just try and remember that. But my energy now is what I look at. I don’t mind sometimes expanding it but now feels like I am doing something wrong.
This is 😔 sad. This is why I don't beg to be taken back anymore. I do enjoy being enjoyed...I am surrounded by introverts And true friends of the Infj, And I try not to take too much from them because I am quite negative and I'm relearning to be a giver, and now I find I do the same for extroverted people.When my home is clean...and as soon as I start going back to catholic church ⛪...my shame will heal. Sorry you feel that way.Most Infjs are healthy even when at worst conditions ... I can't say the same for me(ENFP) I just want to say I truly appreciate you confirming my suspicions and curiosity. Don't worry ,Be Happy.I know each one of you is an individual but feel the same. My family has Infj's so This is helpful!!!!! And I have been in love with 2 someone that we're infj. I got doorslammed by my best guyfriend of almost 20 years. I did it first though... I was embarrassed to admit I sucked as a friend much more a best friend. Then like 3 years later he doorslammed me when I most needed him. Unconditional LOVE is CRAZY BEAUTIFUL. I pray that they're all doing well. Certain people can come back and I'm open to it and the healing. I'm not mad at them.
This is my sister and our relationship has deteriorated very badly after my mother has gone into a care home with dementia. My sister's behaviour has been awful, cold, controĺling, selfish etc. Shocking, actually. As soon as I set my boundaries to make sure i was processing what had happened and pay attention to my feelings and not be pushed around by her, she became hostile. Since i live a couple of hours away, I now can move into limited contact after a lifetime of a one sided relationship where I've always been there for her but she's never really been there for me. Sad, but inevitable really. (I think my sister is ESTJ)
Love the video, as usual! Am used to it at this point honestly, being the therapist for everyone else. My parent when they have a fight, random strangers on the streets, my current football club that made me Captain within a week of joining, and it just goes on and one and one till I break. Have had more than 10 psychological breakdowns because of dealing with people's shit! As we speak, my teenage niece has been staying with me for over a week cause she broke up with her "first love", and needed to talk to someone. I love her, but now am stuck with her. Here is my advice; Do as much as you can to help and leave the rest to them cause you don't owe anyone shit! You got a life to lead, a hard one at that 😂😂
I have had this problem most of my life .. I can see through the intentions of others who are very false .. they are so shallow I can’t relate .. they are so superficial it sickens me I don’t want to be close .. yet they are seeking me and my counsel
This is me exactly, I do however have my sister. When it comes to my secrets she keeps them. She is trustworthy. If she ever betrayed that I would be lost. It definitely goes both ways. Our other siblings are jealous of our bond.
Thank you for such an insightful video. You described some situations I had been through before as an INFJ. The valuable lessons in life I have learned. And as a result, I live the quiet peaceful life I have needed for quite some time. I always look forward to your videos.
You and your channel are very valuable to the INFJ community! I've connected so many dots and I feel assisted on my journey through life. Thanks Lauren.🙏
I've trained myself to interject more in conversations. It's real easy to make friends when you like to listen and understand people, and I wonder if it's a rare enough occurance for people they jump at the chance. As you say though, it doesn't create bonds when I'm seeking a little deeper, that joyful curiosity. Since we have to maintain energy in many fruitless interactions, it's so important to self-advocate in a relaxed way. It's not ideal but it's better than getting caught in the listener's trap and asking endless questions.. Thanks so much for this video!!!!
I really appreciate your video! This happens to me so often. I’ve tried to door slam two such “ friends” because one is extremely needy (wanting me to stay with her and her family overnight, even though I only lived ten minutes away) and another is extremely negative and ungrateful despite being extremely privileged. But it always made me feel guilty and when the one friend texted me during COVID, I couldn’t ignore her text because I felt it would be too rude. And then I happened to run into the other “ friend” at Starbucks and couldn’t easily scape without her seeing me as we were in line next to each other. I work abroad for ten months out of the year, which helps, but I still receive constant emails and texts from the one “friend,” which are hard to ignore because I don’t want to be rude and I am OCD about answering texts and emails. In any event, this video,provided insight into why these women consider me such a close friend (one has called me her “best friend,” which I found alarming and sad). I mostly listen and try to cheer them up, rarely expressing my true assessment, which would hurt their feelings. I need to set better boundaries, but it’s hard to do without offending some people. Thank goodness I live half way around the world from them. 😂
WOW, this went much deeper than i thought it would. How do i stop myself from energetically merging with others? I don't feel a relationship is "real" if we aren't energetically enmeshed? It's not easy on normies to do this.
The INFJ Doorslam is real. But it's a last resort self-preservation.
We feel lonely because there is no reciprocity. Unless it’s another conscientious INFJ, your cup will be completely empty because all you will be doing is pouring your energy into others’ cups.
You expressed precisely how I feel. Thank you for making me feel seen❤
Yes this
100%, this comment❤
Being pushed too far would make you not fear being alone. In fact, you'd realize that being alone is better than being with those fake friends.
Buuut, when the loneliness gets too much, you then feel you kinda need people too... Buuut there's a good freaking reason why we choose to be alone.
It's this vicious cycle that won't stop xD
@@anggorogedewaseso169 It's okay to surround you with people, but It's essential to differentiate friends and acquaintances. Carefully choose who to be friend with.
Yes😊
Imo that's after you learn from a burn.
It is better.
' stop showing active interest in the problems of others '
unless you do this professionally.
I stopped that over twenty years ago. It’s to the point where I feel like all I ever do is think and talk about myself.
That’s probably not true but as an Infj it always feels that way. Taking care of myself feels selfish.
Save the world or save yourself
I stopped, but certain ones just won't go away.
I don’t care anymore but people just tell me there crap
this is exactly why i have absolutely no friends at the moment. I am still looking for the full matching friendship. I dont rescue damaged people anymore, i stopped prioritizing others needs and i cultivated my inner connection and pleasure instead. It has been a very hard journey to leave all this toxicity behind knowing that i may be alone, but also deeply nourishing for my soul.
This is the wisdom we all need to be able to practice. I think at some point after eating a ton of 💩, we realize this, but battling out nature and trying to stop taking in stray dogs 😂 is the challenge. How did you start to put this into action? I get hurt and exploited and I always say I will stop 🛑. I still never do. Eventually, it make take a bit longer but I always end up caring for someone who is broken and almost never see that reciprocated.
@@fineartlifestylingive done a lot of inner work and i still do it on a daily basis. I also reflect every evening on what drained my energy and what gave me life. Every day it gets better and better.
I hear this. Great comment... Thank you
Same
❤@@fineartlifestyling
I f'ing hate that...when they don't listen, or they steal the ideas you gave them, not getting credit for it...I mean, I don't do it for the credit...but you gotta pay your dues, it speaks of your character...people disappoint me, all the time.
yeah, people steal from INFJs all the time, so we learn not to share
Spot on! Cats are my remedy for living in my fortress of solitude, most cats are INFJ…
I always tell people I’m like a cat. I watch you silently, read your intentions and if I think you are ok, will quietly come near. If you respond well, I’ll get closer, but it will take many, many times of this behavior for me to let you rub my belly and if you mess that up, you will never see it again!
@@Queen_Sylvia Yes! And with cats if you come up them with too much aggression we will want to run away, but if you are chill they will come towards you and we are the same way.
I'm an INFP and I have this problem. Just lost a "friend" recently once I pulled back my energy and stopped liatening to her problems when she cleary was not doing the same for me. It is lonely though.
I am also an INFP and have this issue and have had my entire life. It can be exhausting.
lol. This year I decided to cut off from every draining relationship. I lost 100% of the people in my life
Some people didn't get the memo on reciprocity. INFP here- I kind of cut them off fast
I have come to the conclusion that many former friends of mine were fake ones. It took me long years to realize it. So I got rid of them completely. ✂✂✂ Now I enjoy solitude and serenity. 😊
I thought I was the only one! I felt like such a loser . I’m so glad I happened onto this. This is so enlightening to hear this after a difficult lifetime of disappointments.This speaker is telling me what my life has been!
@@frantetro6728 You are not a loser, but a winner. 💪
I am 40 and I barely have any friends because many of my so called friends were fake.
I definitely have people in my life that consider me their bestie, but they are absolutely not mine. They don’t even know the real me!
I can’t get ANYONE to talk about anything deep; people I know just can’t or don’t want to talk about anything spiritual. When I do, they want to shut me down, like I’m too intense or have issues! I am putting up more boundaries and spend copious amounts of time by myself. Everything is surface skimming.
Same
So boring. I can’t understand how they live like this
I can relate
I’m INFJ, we aren’t like others, but you can’t put that on them for your own frustrations. I personally don’t have this problem, you need excellent active listening skills though, AND the medium of communication needs to be over text. There are people out there that can keep up with the INFJ mind but they are rare, however over text, I have found slowing down the conversation and giving time for them to comprehend what I am saying helps a ton. Much love
Very recognisable. I know several groups of people as one group cannot cover it all to be able to be me.
This happens not only with friends, but also with family members. I listen, listen and listen and get drained.
Oh God, my mother is exactly as you state, she knows I am INFJ and told her to not tell me these things yet she keeps venting once all the time.
I stopped showing interest a couple years ago just to see what would happen. To my amazement and great relief, 70% of my 'friends' never reached out again.
INFJ here - I definitely resonate with the feeling of being smothered by other people but also yearning for a close and meaningful connection. I don't have any false friends though, I think I used to when I was younger and just didn't want to be alone. But if I don't like being around someone, I won't interact with them. Or if I'm acquainted with them I will remove myself if I don't feel it's right. I have only one close friend right now, but it's meaningful and real so it's worth it!
I only end up with false friends now through contexts - say, another couple where spouses are friends or some activity I’m involved in socially. I don’t go looking for them. I have one real friend, another INFJ, and we’ve been friends for over 20 years. It’s wonderful. Knowing that we attract other people who aren’t a good fit and that we need more alone time anyway, I’m much more content with life as it is - I no longer feel ‘abnormal’ - I get who I am.
Same 😊 I'm pretty good at being aloof nowadays XD
Probably because i have no energy at all 😅😂
Same, I don’t like to pretend to like someone if I don’t really like them.
😂
The genuineness is just not mutual, you realize that even though they can count on you, you can't do the same. so it's weird that they think we're close when they do not share the same compassion towards us and our world. i think a lot of people just care for themselves, they don't even see other people just as human as they are. i dont know anymore.
Exactly!!! We all seem to resonate the same issues. No reciprocity
Narcs. They see people as objects like an appliance
But they do it as default, I don’t think it is an active choice each time, it is just their world view. I don’t know how they can not see the obvious disparity each and every time, but they do.
Finding this channel is a big blessing in my life. I have never thought I have my own tribe and there are people who feel the way I feel
Yes, people constantly view me or want me to be their best friend when I perceive them as a casual acquaintance.
Boundaries & detachment are the bottom line.
Great video! This is perfectly timed for my mental health at the moment...
Thank you. Being INFJ'S we struggle constantly with deep connection with other's... I feel connection in the comments and with these videos.
Always greatful!
Don't ask people about things you're really interested in knowing. Don't make follow up questions about things they chose to share with if you aren't really interested.
When your co-workers start rambling about their child's bd party and the stressful planning. By all means, lend an ear or weight in. Just don't invest in the story by checking on them or asking follow up questions a day after the party. Please don't be fake. Yes you know they would love that asked and they would love to have the chance to unload. Don't volunteer such services. You are giving a false impression by offering a false interest.
I've realised how important it is especially as an infj to enforce very strong boundaries. I've also learned to employ a little tactic of pushing people's buttons just a little bit to see whats really inside, but also for them to not get too comfortable with me. This is very hard to do for an infj, but it's quite liberating.
Thank you for sharing! Poking the bear so to speak will trigger their negative response- Love it!
They chose me but I didn’t choose them.🙅🏽 Reminds me of scriptures around not being unequally yoked, in terms of levels of consciousness and awareness. We get to choose how available we will be to non reciprocal folks.
Is there a verse you can indicate in the Gospel? I almost wish we could compile religious literature on this subject
@@fineartlifestyling yes I actually googled it recently when reflecting on grey rocking and INFJ doorslam. 2 Corinthians 6:14 asks what fellowship light can have with darkness and then 16 is where God says I will walk among them and be their God and they my people. Perhaps Jung would call this shadow integration.
But then Deuteronomy 22:9 Paul advises against compromising our beliefs to syncretize with the world, like in Roman 12:2. Reminds me of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote about the greatest accomplishment is to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else.
The Tao Te Ching teaches that relationships can be harmonious or disharmonious. It emphasizes harmony in the presence of opposites like the Bible.
@@fineartlifestyling I would recommend reading the book of Proverbs and then the book of Psalms
@@fineartlifestylingdon’t cast your pearls before swine
Wow! What a realization. Stop showing interest,
My friends are my dogs.
Now THAT's true friendship :)
Same here.
I discovered I am an INFJ quite late in life. After watching a lot of videos about my personality type I realized how fortunate I was to have a very toxic friend when I was in middle school. After she moved away, and I was finally rid of her, I vowed to NEVER allow a person like her close to me again. Our superpower of reading people comes in very handy to filter these people away. It was a hard lesson at a young age, but it served me well as I got older.
I want say I love my INFJ brethren (INFP too) Let's send each other love and go spend a lot of time alone!❤😊
I INFJ glad I found my wonderful INFJ husband, after that I realised I didn't need to socialise with morally exhausting people anymore. It's a load off my mind.
I don't have any close friends - I have a few good mates who don't call me to complain. I'm fine with that.
People are using the word wrong i feel. To me a friend is someone who can visit me and cook funny foods and be free with. Everyone tells me 'that's too intimate' but they have other friends they do that with 😑 hypocrites!
One of the worst friends I ever had (ESTP) opened up to me about a personal trauma, and when I (INFJ) did the same, she dropped me as a friend. I guess she wanted me to accept my role as unpaid therapist instead of emotionally reciprocal friend 🙃
yeah... people kinda suck, i guess we all kinda do before we heal... but the fakery of some is puzzling/sad. i underestimated how much some people are okay receiving love based on lies. just capped a chapter of letting go of about 8 fake friends. last one professed to be my best friend and switched up like the rest when i called out negligent behavior, attempting to crush my self-esteem on the way out... i understand where our minds can go when we feel the threat of losing something we might fear we are inadequate for... life is lighter now. i don't need to be mirrored. i'm done with people who "don't know how to ask questions." stupid that the norm is to be closed off and competitive. great video as usual, thank you for this.
Or to be asked the blanket catch all question 'how are you?' when they cut you off before you have finished a sentence, feigning resonance through a 'shared experience', bearing no resemblance to what you meant, but allows them to steer the conversation back to their favourite topic. Themselves.
@@nedthestaffieegan3452 omg yes lol
Yes! I hate when people don't ask sincere questions. . Like do you even care? Apparently not, so bye..
@@julietbecker8526 so funny when you can feel a question being lobbed your way just to keep you around, or you'll send a text and it just gets a . f my weekend i guess lol
@@nedthestaffieegan3452 ugh, yeah lol. feels like you're being managed in a way - you can't exist outside of them.
when you said "I'm at a party, they are talking to me" is where I am lost. I have gone to a few parties in my 53 years and do not remember ever having someone talk to me other than, did you see the food etc... However, people from work have latched onto me and did the false friends thing. I have left a few jobs to Reset the crowd 🤣
A year ago I moved from my home state, at the age of 47, I mention my age to highlight life experience, meaning this aint my first rodeo in the realm of narcissists. I wonder, do some states contain a higher population of narcissists......The majority of strangers I've encountered in this new state, will literally blurt out their personal woes, in typical INFJ fashion, I"m present, I listen......and then they're done. Emotional dumping is what I call it. Because this has occurred excessively, I now just walk away. Wish I could apply this approach with my spouse. lol
Yes California, Oregon , New York , and alot of the high dollar states cities have a ton of narcissistic people. The town I am in is horrible tons of them because it’s rich man’s land . I am only here until my mom dies . Then my plan is to move to a small town on the west coast of Florida .
@SirenASMR_ Speaking from personal experience, not uneducated assumptions, I lived on the coast in Southern CA the majority of my life, perhaps what some might ignorantly consider "rich man's land". I never encountered the barrage of narcissists as I do now in Oregon, a "poor man's land" filled with uneducated people. I am in a hive of narcissists and cannot wait to return home.
Fellow INFJ - and this has been apart of my lived experience. I feared cutting out the energy vampires because then I would be alone - but I am now practicing being my own friend - those things I wish I could do with a 100% match friend - I do for myself - and that has attracted more of those aligned fulfilling moments with others - Im open to not having "friends" anymore - but rather keep my own cup full and knowing I will have those fulfilling serendipitous moments with others - Im not going to depend on finding it anymore - As an INFJ I like spending a lot of time alone - Any constat pull on my energy will not be healthy -
Love this! Going through something similar myself right now...
Jesus Christ I needed this video back when I was 5 yrs old 😣 I would have had a different life.
I'm an infp/j and I've been struggling badly recently connecting to others. In the past I helped several friends overcome serious life problems (the free therapist role). They went on to thrive then abandoned me. If I try to share anything real and authentic with new friends they usually ghost me. So it feels like the only way for me to have friends is to be a free therapist which I refuse to do. So now I'm lonely with almost no friends. I've been trying to figure this problem out for ages without much luck. I just want to have people in my life who like, respect and care about me and vice versa - authentic mutual connections. I have been thinking that perhaps society has become so stressful for people that all of us are seeking support and refuse/are unable to give any support back. There's also the cult of toxic positivity that has infected many people where all emotions except happiness and joy are perceived as negative and draining. I think its much healthier when we feel the full range of human emotions.
I can relate to every point you shared 💗
It's only natural that we want mutual connection-we are made for this. But as it is, most humans have completely lost the plot and are so far away from natural living that they might as well be lost in outer space. Have you checked how hunter gatherers live? A haven for INFJs.
Inside out the Pixar movie Joy tries to sabotage Sadness in the movie until she realises that all emotions are necessary.
Recently, I discovered that someone I considered a friend was talking behind my back two years ago, claiming that I give off negative vibes and that I'm depressed. Ironically, it was her who was experiencing those feelings !!! Regardless of how upset or depressed I am, I always try to maintain a positive attitudeand a smile. I just can't stand spreading negativity. She kept lying, claiming that I was the one who was always whining when in fact she was the one constantly venting. I simply empathized with her because I tend to be diplomatic, but she took advantage of that. This situation has made me realize the importance of maintaining a distance from such toxic individuals aka PSYCHOS. I found myself absorbing her negative energy, which affected me deeply. Moving forward, I'm prioritizing my own well-being and surrounding myself with positive influences.It's unbelievable how people can fabricate lies to paint themselves as innocent. What a messed up world we live in...
This is so true. I’m more of a lone wolf, but there’s practically always an emotional imbalance when it comes to INFJs and the so-called friendships they have. Speaking for myself though, no one should assume I’m so close to them if I never said so myself, but these things happen automatically and sometimes even after you explain yourself to people. That’s when you know they have an unhealthy attachment or obsession to you to distract themselves from their own issues or lives.
It feels like we are masochists and the rest of the world is made up of sadists who drain and take and can’t give you even half of what you offer
Yes, thank you Lauren. This is spot on. Been dealing with this for years. I've recently stopped showing interest and disconnecting with many of these people who have managed their way into my realm over the years. A huge weight has been lifted. Much appreciation to you for your understanding of all this and articulating it in a way that helps others.
I'm trying this too
I'm an INFP and I see this in my INFJ partner. He has a hard time trusting people. He has so much to give, to me he is kind, considerate, gentle and very selfless. He would be a great friend. He also has high expectations for people (imo). I have learned in my life that no one is perfect in friendships, I still like my friends. But my partner sees so many flaws in other people - and doesn't see the positives of community sometimes I feel 💛
Thanks for the reminder! I am very slowly transitioning towards more acceptance of their flaws in a few friends. The sad part is I can probably never be very close to them since they do not possess the ability for deep self-reflection which is foundation of intimacy.
@@beatadebski You're welcome :) I also hear you. I can tell that rejection (or maybe misplaced trust??) is so hurtful for my INFJ. He doesn't have an easy time connecting with others, he reflects and thinks so much that he doesn't have any time left to enjoy the social aspect sometimes 😅 Greetings from Germany :)
@@nellautumngirlSo true! We can be so loyal that we can't fathom how some people can be careless/thoughtless and call it a friendship.
But I used to have many good friends and a few close girlfriends when I lived in the UK. My narc ex unfortunately has erased most of my confidence. (I was more a sigma INFJ or even ENFJ.) Like your husband, I'm also still caught in too much deep reflection to the point of losing all enjoyment. The good thing is I'm extremely determined and recovering close friendhships, though in a different country so my friend is far away.
Greetings from Poland :)
That’s because we don’t understand how other people can be so inconsiderate. When we realize this we tend to then just not engage in society anymore .
@@SirenASMR_ I'm sorry you had this experience so often. Some people can be super inconsiderate I :( But even they have some good in them I think, they can be good entertainers, bring groups of people together or make decisions when a quick decision is needed. But sometimes I'm also just like 'Excuse me, does that person not see how rude they are being?'
I've recently made the decision to stop overstretching myself in relationships, which sometimes feels like I'm being selfish. This shift has caused a bit of an identity crisis for me, as I've always found fulfillment in supporting and counseling others. However, I've now chosen to channel my energy into a new project focused on helping strangers, rather than those who I thought were friends. Which has helped me in dealing with resentment
Thank you Lauren!!! This is so perfectly explained ❤ I am really grateful for you and your way of communicating to us how we function. So much love and gratitude to you xxxx
LOL. Holy crap! Yes! I haven't heard anyone talk about this before and yes, it's a thing. I'm over it.
So over it. This is an incredibly insightful video ✨️
I’ve learned, just listen and don’t offer or give advice if not asked for it. Sometimes, people just want a listening ear. When I don’t engage, they talk less and we’re both happier😅
The more I listen, the more they talk. The more they talk, they don't listen, then they overstep stated boundaries because they didn't hear you. Then you have to deal with the impact of the violations, physically, emotionally, and situationally. They aren't having their time wasted dealing with the boundary violations because WE PAY ATTENTION, and CONSIDER THEIR INFO when we engage. It's such bullshit, imho, having to process this stuff instead of focusing on possible goals
@@alaysiakayebutler6299 agree we can’t give our attention to them it’s so draining.
YES 💯🤗💜INFJ🫶💜🪽 Great message and insight! Yes! 🎉 Boundaries and grounding is great tools to have and make. I have been too "weird" for most people anyway 🙃 however it's different when people need me. Our life is incredibly different from most. It's okay. Be YOU always ❤❤❤
Move out of town. 😅 That has helped immensely!! 🤣🌟
Finally, I understand and can forgive myself for carrying on dreaded "friendships" far too long. How's that door slam go?
This has happened in dating too, where someone feels super connected to me and I didn’t have a great time. We’re very good at making people feel special, I think.
I’ve been in the one sided bff scenario. To protect my sanity I had to employ the door slam tactic😢. I wish I wasn’t the way I am sometimes. I must say I feel elated and REVIVED.
totally understand sometimes not wanting to be this way but i'm glad you are. yeah the door slam isn't fun.
I guess I have known about this phenomenon for a while, but this video just made me realize why I always feel like other people are so passive. I rarely feel like others say or do anything that's interesting and I have a hard time understanding what they're going on about. It's because they're actually boring! Everybody are just like everybody else and they seem fine with it.
OMG!!! Love ❤️ being there for a narcissist.
Like a pad they can land on but it’s what they look for to go explore life and have no loyalty or know that it’s our energy that lifted them up.
This is very true. I most certainly feel very lonely. It is so hard finding friends.
You lady are a treasure ! INFJ here, discovered my personality (and everything that comes with it) last January and I've had a blast with it, englightenment to a level I never thought possibe, watching your videos has enriched that level of knowledge and is taking me to the next level of self-understanding so thank you THANK YOU so much, I really appreciate you and I'll keep watching you, have a good day
I was incarcerated once, and that environment taught me to be alone in the midst of other people. I did associate with some people, but I became selective and kept a certain distance from acquaintances. There are many narcissistic people in there. I still keep this distance from people, except for my fiance.
This has always been a problem for me. And I tell you what bugs me the most is now that after years of ME never asking for help, I can tell really quick by who's still around what kind of person THEY are when I finally do ask. 😂😮
I don't have any friend who can call bbf, i never have one! But i am lucky, my husband is my best friend, a man who accepts me who i am. I love my kids, they love me who i am as well. 3 person love me from this world, is enough for me. ❤😊..which i understand most of people their problems. I listen, that's it.❤peace
Omg! Yes! I have a “friend” who is boarderline and add, she believes we’re bffs. All she does is come over and talk about herself and won’t listen when I try to talk. I’ve helped her through her alcoholism (I also have that problem, but don’t get the same help in return). I’m working on that tho alone.
You’re SO on point! I feel like you’re talking to me and you know me🤦🏻♀️🤣I’m like finally! Someone understands me!
INFJ here ❤
Sadly, I have never found people who want to share deep ideas. Very few people in American society even think of these things. My "best friend" was someone I knew since childhood. It took him however to identify that we were best friends. It made a little more sense to me when he pointed out that we were both only children and so we were like brothers. After 50 years last December he suddenly announced that he no longer wanted to see me or be my friend. He also said that NOBODY wanted to be my friend. It's all very confusing to me. The only friend I seem to have left is one who is very shallow and considers me his friend. I suppose that he is, but I really don't enjoy my time with him as he never wants to go deep on ANYTHING. He's adamant as his father told him to never share unpopular opinions. His idea of a conversation is to talk about the new siding on his house. It's like having Consumer Reports as a friend. I'm now at 64 basically a hermit, and it's lonely but also okay.
Imagine a party filled with only INFJs who are tired of this, all slightly turning their body away from each other 😂
@@rubyglasspoolastrology I would fucking love that , I get so tired of this low vibration fake people .
I'm an INFJ and I feel lonely as well. I have no friends but I chose that as I've had people lean on me too much and use me. Narcissists and needy people. That puts me in a spot because they don't give back or betray me. I know it's my issue and responsibility to seek out friends so that I have a support system.
I need to find some other INFJs. I'm also interested in deep ideas and feelings as you say and it's hard to find people who are interested in the same things I am.
I'm an infj
Infj here
Harmony will bite you in the a--
Sometimes.
Just have to be careful 🧐
Video is spot on.
This Universe must be listening because this video popped up at the right time. I needed this. Thank you, Lauren!🙏🏾💯💚
I guess I was burned out by the age of 30 and realized no one really cares anyhow.
I grew up with very immature parents who required everything of me. I’ve got nothing left and these days it’s just about myself (except for my work where I help people every day but I’m speaking of friendships or any personal relationship. Don’t get me started on romantic relationships. I can’t handle them.)
I care still
@@1594simonsays thanks. I really needed to hear something like today.
OMG that's so true about when we share an idea with someone and they later repeat the idea like they're the ones who came up with it and act as if they have amnesia when you remind them that it was your idea or your clever statement
❤I had NO idea y’all had “friends you didn’t like too!” I feel so much better! Thanks Lauren!
Yeeessss ❤ there ARE people out there that know what it's like to be me
I needed this video. I lost three or four friends within one year. And it makes sense..... I didn't want to be friends anymore either fake people. The last time I lost a friend, he gave me one problem and I wasn't having it anymore. I'm always giving people too many chances. I just gave my latest friend a chance to apologize and he did not so I cut him off quickly. It hurts but I feel better for being this way. I no longer will give people a million chances.
16:20 relatable. I keep telling myself that if i cut them off, I will be alone. But now I understood that its ok to be alone and be yourself. Good things will find you.
Dude... wow... as an autistic person (& INFJ), I have never felt so seen. This is my life's story in regards to trying to make friends and fit into society/school/work/what-have-you. For the longest time, I thought I was the problem. It's been so frustrating, confusing, maddening, and disappointing. I'm beginning to understand how I've been contributing to these unsatisfying relationships and how to better communicate and establish boundaries. I sincerely hope things improve for me. It has been incredibly lonely.
I feel for you being an INFJ and Autistic. I don't think it's a bad thing but I know this social world might be tough to navigate for you. I think an INFJ or INFP might be the best type of friends for you if you can find them.
Thank god. Someone who FINALLY knows what the heck I'm talking about.❤
I have actually actively been working on shielding so I can tell the difference between my emotions and someone else's, and oh boy has it made all the difference!
Infj male here. It's not that the infj is weird. The problem is many people will drop their morals when it suits their interests. The infj though will normally self sacrifice to do the right thing so it's hard for them to sincerely admire and like those that don't.. the majority not only drop their morals when it suits them the strong ones will get away with it and attract like minded supporters liable to perceive the soft spoken infj as weak.
Spot on! Good to see how I've grown and matured. I hold back on providing so much help because I've encountered this. I can also tell who isn't really ready to receive compassion, wisdom, etc - discernment is a great practice. Great video!!!!
This is 💯 correct, and it is a huge problem for me. I have a friend I never liked, he is now married to my sister. So yeah, it’s a problem.
I would like to know about how to get out of narcissistic relationship
I'm delighted to hear about myself.🥲❤
I have found that when implementing my own personal boundaries it increased the harmony of the situations
I like when someone says something great and I can reflect off of it and just talk about the micro aspects of why it’s great.
This video randomly popped up in my feed and just for giggles, I watched it. Would you believe, I got a text from one of those false friends and eye rolled so hard 😂 I feel like I'm in too deep and made myself too available and I can't get rid of her
💯!! So INFJ 😏 Thank you for the talking about that important topic 🙏
It seems like I hear so often that we all NEED other people just like we NEED good nutrition, hydration, and exercise to stay healthy. I call bollocks on that. People cause me nothing but stress, pain, and misery (with a few dearly-loved exceptions). If I never saw another human for the rest of my life (except for that special, select handful), I’d be ok with it. More than ok. People just suck.
This happens to me when guys say they just wanna be friends and end up wanting to date me bc we have a “connection” 🙄 no I’m just showing compassion and empathy 😅
100% nailed it!!! Wow! Thank you.
Lauren, you are brilliant… I used to feel cursed and be bummed out about being an INFJ… then I found your channel. Thank you for your content. This episode of yours assists me in being more aware of being Co-Dependent. Growing up being the eldest daughter of a single mom… I was groomed to be a caretaker and ignore my own needs. Your channel is healing me. Thank you.
This is the story of my life as an INFP. Finally someone else is putting it into words. Thank you
, Lauren! ❤
Your amazing, so smart.... my counterpart.... I feel for you, as that infj child.... are all infj childhood's so wild.... or do some have it mild.... I wonder if a infj child grew with love an respect.... and not neglect.... with emotional needs met, and intellect.... not being made to feel mad.... rejected or bad.... would it of changed.... or even rearranged.... those intriguing four letters.... which allows us to forgive our debtors.... having such devotions.... for those in the oceans.... and lost at sea.... but why is it, nobody's there for you or for me.... like genuinely.... or wholeheartedly.... are we to needy.... are we conversation greedy.... are we to weedy.... maybe to speedy.... an enigma rapped up in mystery.... a caring soul that goes right back through history.... the councilor the advocate the helper the healer.... introverted yet an extroverted feeler.... from luther King, gandhi, and jesus.... all tirelessly trying to please us.... for love they will bleed.... are there for those ìn need.... very noble indeed.... but thats just the infj.... its just our way.... higher love.... is from above.... always a shoulder to cry on.... what a Don.... but when were in need people's suddenly gone.... no where to be found.... how profound.... the lone wolf way..... the lonesome infj... left cold and lonely which causes a shiver.... guess Justin said it best "cry me a river" lol we strong 😂 😢 ❤
I learned while in Mexico for a visit to not even look at the person by the end of the trip.
Before I look at there whole profile and consider it.
What a learning curve.
Just try and remember that. But my energy now is what I look at.
I don’t mind sometimes expanding it but now feels like I am doing something wrong.
Lol! This!!
This is 😔 sad. This is why I don't beg to be taken back anymore. I do enjoy being enjoyed...I am surrounded by introverts And true friends of the Infj, And I try not to take too much from them because I am quite negative and I'm relearning to be a giver, and now I find I do the same for extroverted people.When my home is clean...and as soon as I start going back to catholic church ⛪...my shame will heal. Sorry you feel that way.Most Infjs are healthy even when at worst conditions ... I can't say the same for me(ENFP) I just want to say I truly appreciate you confirming my suspicions and curiosity. Don't worry ,Be Happy.I know each one of you is an individual but feel the same. My family has Infj's so This is helpful!!!!! And I have been in love with 2 someone that we're infj. I got doorslammed by my best guyfriend of almost 20 years. I did it first though... I was embarrassed to admit I sucked as a friend much more a best friend. Then like 3 years later he doorslammed me when I most needed him. Unconditional LOVE is CRAZY BEAUTIFUL. I pray that they're all doing well. Certain people can come back and I'm open to it and the healing. I'm not mad at them.
This is my sister and our relationship has deteriorated very badly after my mother has gone into a care home with dementia. My sister's behaviour has been awful, cold, controĺling, selfish etc. Shocking, actually. As soon as I set my boundaries to make sure i was processing what had happened and pay attention to my feelings and not be pushed around by her, she became hostile. Since i live a couple of hours away, I now can move into limited contact after a lifetime of a one sided relationship where I've always been there for her but she's never really been there for me. Sad, but inevitable really. (I think my sister is ESTJ)
Love the video, as usual! Am used to it at this point honestly, being the therapist for everyone else. My parent when they have a fight, random strangers on the streets, my current football club that made me Captain within a week of joining, and it just goes on and one and one till I break. Have had more than 10 psychological breakdowns because of dealing with people's shit! As we speak, my teenage niece has been staying with me for over a week cause she broke up with her "first love", and needed to talk to someone. I love her, but now am stuck with her. Here is my advice; Do as much as you can to help and leave the rest to them cause you don't owe anyone shit! You got a life to lead, a hard one at that 😂😂
you're very resilient haha, hope everything is going okay
There attractive and they caught me first in helping me with my emotions but later find out that it’s not possible to have a relationship.
Discarding the partials will cut things down to 1 person; was 2, but the other has passed away, leaving a huge void.
I have had this problem most of my life .. I can see through the intentions of others who are very false .. they are so shallow I can’t relate .. they are so superficial it sickens me I don’t want to be close .. yet they are seeking me and my counsel
This is me exactly, I do however have my sister. When it comes to my secrets she keeps them. She is trustworthy. If she ever betrayed that I would be lost. It definitely goes both ways. Our other siblings are jealous of our bond.
Thank you for such an insightful video. You described some situations I had been through before as an INFJ. The valuable lessons in life I have learned. And as a result, I live the quiet peaceful life I have needed for quite some time. I always look forward to your videos.
You and your channel are very valuable to the INFJ community! I've connected so many dots and I feel assisted on my journey through life. Thanks Lauren.🙏
I've trained myself to interject more in conversations. It's real easy to make friends when you like to listen and understand people, and I wonder if it's a rare enough occurance for people they jump at the chance.
As you say though, it doesn't create bonds when I'm seeking a little deeper, that joyful curiosity. Since we have to maintain energy in many fruitless interactions, it's so important to self-advocate in a relaxed way. It's not ideal but it's better than getting caught in the listener's trap and asking endless questions..
Thanks so much for this video!!!!
I really appreciate your video! This happens to me so often. I’ve tried to door slam two such “ friends” because one is extremely needy (wanting me to stay with her and her family overnight, even though I only lived ten minutes away) and another is extremely negative and ungrateful despite being extremely privileged. But it always made me feel guilty and when the one friend texted me during COVID, I couldn’t ignore her text because I felt it would be too rude. And then I happened to run into the other “ friend” at Starbucks and couldn’t easily scape without her seeing me as we were in line next to each other. I work abroad for ten months out of the year, which helps, but I still receive constant emails and texts from the one “friend,” which are hard to ignore because I don’t want to be rude and I am OCD about answering texts and emails. In any event, this video,provided insight into why these women consider me such a close friend (one has called me her “best friend,” which I found alarming and sad). I mostly listen and try to cheer them up, rarely expressing my true assessment, which would hurt their feelings. I need to set better boundaries, but it’s hard to do without offending some people. Thank goodness I live half way around the world from them. 😂
WOW, this went much deeper than i thought it would.
How do i stop myself from energetically merging with others? I don't feel a relationship is "real" if we aren't energetically enmeshed? It's not easy on normies to do this.
This is spot on! Thank you so much for this video Lauren 💕
This is awesome info🔥🔥🔥🔥