You can’t control others’ behavior, just your reactions. So it will always be a “self fix”, even if that fix is just not caring cause those people are jerks.
My problem is that I feel left out often, but oftentimes I just want to be left alone. I am a contradiction. It's uncomfortable for me because I would like to be included and belong; I just don't want to talk about stupid, superficial things all the time. Also I like to rest my voice, and most people drain me.
@Solid Cat Ink-Wow! I have felt that way all of my life. You are not alone. When I would tell people I'm close to how I feel, they would shame me and wouldn't understand. It is refreshing to know someone has had the same experience.
I tried to gaslight myself and tell myself that I have social anxiety and this is all in my head. But I have to accept the fact that I am in fact being left out and this is very much real. No matter how hard I try to be social, at the end of the day my "friends"don't care for me and I can't do anything abt it. I'm tired of trying. Maybe I'll have friends in another life. I just wanna move on.
It is not your fault, I am sure there is someone out there who cares about you. Shift your focus to someone who really cares about you instead of those who don't give a f.
Respecting their decisions by leaving them is a start. I mean they don't want to take you so all you can do is respect their decision by walking away. If you stick around, they will have a power to call you a stalker and will have many ways to looks for flaws in you. So proud of you. You took the responsibility by not showing entitlement. All you did is put yourself out there and socialize. Note that socialize does not have to mean making friends. So when you socialize, you also learned to detach yourself from them. The replace the word tired of trying in a positive way, it is more like you are ready to detach yourself from them and move on with your life. You may still be social but if you sense they don't like you, just respect their decision by leaving them. Note that you don't have to be anyone's doormat to force yourself to make friends. Difference is you can be a social type of person does not mean you have to have friends to call yourself social.
I usually hope that I'm not invited to things. As an introvert it's only rarely I want to go to things because I dont want forced socialization. It only becomes difficult in the rare circumstances I do want to go to. I enjoy my free time which is a minimal amount of times outside my heavy work week
The left out feelings I get are mostly from people I use to hang out with a lot but they started claiming they were "too busy" but yet are constantly talking about what they do with other people. I'm trying to figure out what I did to cause it, but I'm not sure what changed. Other than I was going through a tough time and I felt like they abandoned me. Maybe I wasn't fun anymore? Not to be a downer, but they aren't good friends if they abandon you when you need them. I don't think you can only be a good friend only if you are happy all the time. That seems fake.
Yes i Agree,Some people ahave a pack mentality and want to be top dog,or don’t have a empathetic side,Pay Attention to what your paying attention to as sometimes its a transference of feelings people pick up on.If your feeling vulnerable they pick up on it and kind of use that against you etc.I respect your courage to face your fears and question yourself but make sure your smile changes the world but don’t let the world change your smile lol peace😲🕊
What I feel in life is more about facing my own fear and despair, and I often think: why do they look busy, why am I not so busy, it seems like my life is not going anywhere, I am stuck They stayed where they were, and they kept moving forward. This feeling will make me even more afraid to contact them. After all, I just want a stable environment where I can live safely, not a relationship that can change at any time. I may need a sense of security lol.
Absolutely agree. I went through a rough time with my husband and ever since I am left out in all circles. Glad I didn’t count on them to be there through that time. Life is so fake anymore.
I've gone through the same, people whom I used to hang out with all the time and talk to them for hours on end, chose to abandon me and they stayed friends themselves. It was really hurtful, don't know where I went wrong
Those friends who stick around when u go through hard times and help you out are those you really want to share your happiness and success too whe you feel great. Is it real friendship tho when someone is around only when you feel great or succesfull ? I dont think so, sometimes everyone needs support and listening ears. If I care about a friend or family member I feel bad if they feel bad. I want to see them happy. Alltho if someone is always down, negative and whining its normal that people want to avoid that person.
I've experienced this all my life, as you get older, you learn to not care as much. Happy Thanksgiving Julia, much love friend. Very thankful for you!!!
@Hulumoon don’t initiate anymore. Let them reach out to you & if they don’t, you’ll see how many “dead plants” you were watering. It’s not you, perhaps they’re jealous of you, maybe you have really good hearted qualities that can’t be faked. You’d be surprised at how mean girl some women can be, even though they’re much too old to act like 13 year olds. Do your own thing, don’t worry about them. Your rejection is God’s protection, maybe they aren’t the great people u thought they were?
So whoever is being left out, should stop and think “am I a bad companionship ?” , YES I AM, NOW I FEEL GREAT! 🙄, most of the time ppl get left out is because those leaving you out don’t really care about you, and if it hurts you, most of the time is because you indeed care about them.
A woman who I thought was a friend called me. We talked a lot, then she talked about her birthday party, which was to take place the next day. She continued to tell in a good mood, also about all the guests who were supposed to come. I wasn't invited, I noticed that quickly. Suddenly she stopped talking and was silent. "You can come too if you want," she said. I could tell that she was embarrassed. I didn't have a present, and I didn't want to embarrass her for inviting me for the wrong reasons. So I refused and told her I had to work and I couldn't come. Which was also true. When I wrote her an email a year later and told her about my book deal with a publisher, she called me 10 minutes later! At some point she told about her son, who would also write. She talked more about it and at some point I had to tell her that I was not in a position to get her son a book deal. But I could edit his texts completely free of charge and without obligation. I have never heard from her since. That hurts! I feel like I have been thrown away.
Please … just don’t take it personally. Your “friend” is simply a narcistic, people exploiting person. You do not need such people in your circle. Trust me, you are better off without her waisting your time and attention. 🌸
Lol. I've encountered my neighbor at a supermarket. We're just "hello" neighbors. Anyway, she came to me with a big smile. Asking how I was etc... In a super friendly way. Like I've never seen. Then she asked if I had a car to take home the groceries. To which I've replied no. As soon as I've said that, she left so fast that I was glad I didn't have my car that day.
That is really crappie… I think we all go through this type of thing and have to develop some perspective! Most of the time when I am not invited to something, when I really think about it, I won’t want to go anyway.
I have realized that those people that don’t include me I have always felt uncomfortable around them, so I think to myself those kind of people I don’t want in my life anyway. If you can never figure someone out and feel very awkward around them then you don’t need them in your life!! You always know when your around the right people when you can be yourself and have fun!! 🥰
I agree. And it happens alot in churches. Clicks everywhere. I’m going through this very thing. Been to a few ladies functions and being new, I was left to a whole empty table by myself. I felt so inferior each time I attended these ladies functions, all the while thinking I wd get to know them through these get togethers. Most people don’t make room for new friends, unless you have certain status they’re interested in. If I have to beg for your attention and to like me, I don’t have time for you in my kids. It’s always performance based feeling like I have to show them how wonderful and cool and pretty and sweet or whatever I am, before you get to even want to look my way. and I’m tired. Why not just get to know someone who’s new and try not to be exclusive?
I actually started getting teary-eyed hearing about you being invited last minute, as if it had happened to me. Feeling left out is a huge one for me. Thank you for this video. 💓
It's a fact that there are individuals whom are routinely marginalised and excluded, not because of their negative qualities but because most people are unaware that they discriminate against certain types of people.
@@juliakristinamah I do believe they are not aware.. As someone that gets discriminated against a lot, people are very much aware of what they’re doing. So that’s bull crap. Some therapist practice this a lot.. Pretending to be unaware of their own bullshit . I really do not care for humans.. So disingenuous !!!
Very timely for Thanksgiving. Many people feel left out when they get together with their family or relatives. Because they are so different from their family or relatives. Maybe they don’t participate in the negative conversation of their family and relatives. And so they feel left out.
Some subjects are sad, but empathy is truly a gift and blessing whenever we can help another person reflect and "be there",to be hopeful, not hurtful.😇🌹🙏Be authentic
@@juliakristinamah ,Thank you so much, Julia! 😍💕💖There have been times when I don't feel comfortable with certain things that people say and or "do". I'm not going to go along with something",if I don't approve and feel that it's right"
It is the time to cut those people out of your life. I mean on purpose, that is a low blow. What would of been better is if they make you feel awful with good intentions of getting you to improve yourself, that would be better. If it is meant to make you feel awful without any goal of how to improve your life, I say those people are jerks.
Thankyou, your comment just clarified for me, what I was looking for the right word for. “ SIDE FRIEND”,,,, I’m letting you know, that you JUST HELPED ME!!!😂😂❤❤
I think another part of the process after you have not gone down a dark rabbit hole AND you thought about the energy you are bringing to the table is figuring out if certain people are worth getting upset over not being invited. If you are repeatedly being left out, you might want to focus your energy into people who choose YOU. That being said, give people some grace for not always choosing you as it really probably does have little to do with you!
Yes I’ve found this!!! A group of friends that I used to be really good friends with and see a lot - we then didn’t see each other as much - but still considered a group but then there were also mini groups within the group. Then a fall out happened between two of us - one being the one who organised a lot of the meets ups. And unfortunately this has lead to me not really being invited to things anymore. I loosely suggested meeting to some of the others but didn’t really have much response. Just don’t think we’re aligned anymore. And when Im really honest about it, I was probably trying to continue the friendships when energetically it’s probably just not the same anymore. I have other friendships where it just flows effortlessly and we are very much aligned. So yes letting go of people/groups can be another step. Although a painful one sometimes. Thanks for adding this Tonya and for your video Julia!
No, I feel more like Taylor Swift an antihero. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me. However, I’m not sure what to do about it or what I’m even doing wrong. Being myself apparently doesn’t work. I’m a little angry today because I’m just tired of having to fight the loneliness and whatever it is that makes me not OK. I’ve got books and dogs and lots of music. People suck but I really would like to have some friends I knew I could count on. There’s no guarantees.
Yes! This will prove you do not have low self-esteem. A lot of people who attempts to force it makes excuses such as they did nothing wrong when in reality, they tried to do favors and expects to charge them with hanging out. By being willing to leave, it shows you are not giving in to entitlement.
Thats not always the best idea. I think sometimes it’s best to talk about how u feel to the other person because sometimes that person might not mean it intentionally
@@harimamomin5517 Got to be careful because once you attempt to talk this one out after being rejected, they can take that as entitlement. If they don't take you, it is best to leave them be. Don't try to fix them.
Good information and skills on how to navigate through these difficult feelings. Yes it hurts. And we do have to turn the mirror back to ourselves and ask these hard questions. Thank you ❤
Thank you Julia for covering this topic. Super helpful! Being left out for quite frequently, among friends and coworkers, cause me to scrutinize myself, making me a people pleaser and somehow loose my true self. Now growing older i slowly understand that people that left me out maybe has their own reasons that has nothing to do with me or sometimes we simply are not close enough and appreciate different things in life. I can't be a favorite person for everyone. That's fine with me.
Hello everyone I'm a follower of this channel and I watch these videos they are all important and good advice I'm not new I just don't comment very much I get anxious writing comments this video topic is very helpful throughout my life iv felt left out of Meany different things some because of my anxiety and others because I wasn't comfortable or into alout of things the people in my life was into eather way being left out isn't nice no matter what if it's because it's your choice or because of your mental health take care people x
I got over the feeling of being left out years ago. I have had nobody in my life since 8 August 2000. I adapted to exist alone. Today, I am so self-reliant, resourceful, and independent, that I can not conceive of functioning with others. It only hurt the first two years. But adapting to having no friends, I found enormous benefits. I can not imagine existing like I did before I isolated. Humans are indoctrinated to be social from birth. But, once I started functioning beyond my indoctrination, I found an incredible new lifestyle. Life is so simple without worrying about what others think about me, wondering why I was left out, and wondering if someone is being honest with me or not. I have no true social media network memberships. I have no social circle scheduling conflicts. I do not travel in a herd and having to go where the herd goes. I do not have to worry about the subject matter in the video at all. All this is far in the past. I am glad I socially isolated. I go weeks without seeing a single person. The freedom is incredible. My mind is so clear because I worry nothing about any sort of social complexities. The video sounds so very complicated. With no friends, girlfriend, aquaintences, all the video subject matter disappears. 23 years without social connections can not be wrong. Life is much easier without a social existence. Besides, it seemed people did not care if I spent time with them, or not. I was just an afterthought because I was too quiet. Now, being quiet does not pose any problem.
I'm glad you can live this way, I like also to not worry about others opinion of me, etc and for people to not judge me, and im happy to not socialise also but I still feel I have to , I haven't gone as far as you to happily isolate myself, however I have isolated myself to avoid all the stressors you mentioned by associating with people but I haven't done this happily and still feel I need to mix with people when I'm at a stage they won't judge me, so I have a no win situation
@@simsim5919 It is a learning process. All of us have been indoctrinated, from birth, that we must be social to feel fulfilled and be successful. That indoctrination is done to keep people close together so the powers-that-be can monitor us better. It simply is not true that humans must be social. The first two years of social isolation, you will feel as if you need to seek out friendship, and a mate. After all, your indoctrination runs deep. It is not our fault. But, you feel a sudden peace come over you around the third year. You realise you need nobody in your life in an interpersonal fashion. It is all just a programmed preference. You will not die, nor become ill without interpersonal, social, contacts. In fact, your body will become far healthier. Your mind will become far more active. You will become self-reliant, independent, crafty, and stop considering asking for assistance from anybody. Embrace your new lifestyle. You require no interpersonal, social, interactions to live. Air, water, food, shelter, are all that are required for humans to live. Everything else are luxuries, including being social, which serves little purpose.
@@indridcold8433 I have Christian beliefs so a part of being Christian is to help others when you can aa long as your not a doormat, so I'd rather be what God would prefer me to be. I think it would be a much darker world than it is if no one spoke to anyone else , the temptation to isolate myself from others is always there it's easier for me to just have associations with people rather than have close friends.
I'm a happier person with Christian beliefs and I choose to believe what I do , im not indoctrinated about it, I've had some experiences that let me know there is something else in the spiritual realm
@@simsim5919 In today's world, one can be ruined by helping someone. Long ago, I helped a man out of a crashed vehicle. This was before were made that they trapped the occupants inside in a crash. The man, then tried to sue me forf damage to his prosthetic leg. I went to court and he lied all through the hearing. If it were not for the traffic camera, I would have lost a tremendous amount by just helping someone. It was then I decided nevef to help anybody again, in order to protect myself from undesirables. The All Mighty does not help those that do not help themselves. I am helping myself to stay safe now. As for people not speaking to each other, almost all conflicts are caused by poor social interactions. Delete social interactions and almost all conflict will disappear. There is no rule that states we must be social. It is simply an indoctrination handed forth from our birth. The negatives of being social, today, far outweigh the positives. There will be no further attempts and interpersonal, social, interactions, social connections, nor social associations from me. If one does not learn from our errors, we are destined to repeat those errors. I learned from my errors. Please remember that Jesus isolated himself crossing a desert when he was tempted by Satan. He was able to avoid the temptations of Satan completely isolated from human contact.
This is SOOOO good Julia, I'm left out a lot from things and wonder why, but this helps so much. Thanks so much. Lots to think about, great perspective for me to learn from and to think about.
Great comment. Gracious & inquiring also. It seems you have a shaman quality, & they traditionally were set apart from the village, for deepening their equanimity & healing love for all, but also maybe would have been burdened by the mundane self-interested levels at which many folks exist.
I have at times felt left out, but when I thought it through I felt better! I too have the freedom of choice to invite any friend I choose to for lunch and so can others! Great vid, you covered most all the bases and explained why! You bring much clarity! Thank you!!
I’m often the odd one out. The only one single. The only one kidless. The youngest in the group. An extra wheel. I’m struggling to find a place where I fit.
I feel worse after listening to this lady. Condescending to the hurt. It’s the attitude of emotional superiority from ladies who have never been through anything.
Yeah I hear you It's as though some people aren't allowed to be vulnerable. And some people can't handle --let alone understand & hold compassionate interest in people in difficult situations that don't have a solution (eg. Ill family member(s), aging vulnerable senior parents who can be abusive but you can't abandon them-- NO ONE wants to hear about it). So you're on your in the DIY world.
Nobody knows what she has went through in her life. But I agree that its not always person's own fault if they are left out, bullied etc. Some people are just bullies. Bullies might be jealous to someone or just feel superiority when excluding others etc. And bullies feel more powerful when they are with 2, 3 person group. One on one they are usually all nice. Already in childhood people might be made left out because of over weight, they come from poor family and dont have the finest clothes or for no particular obvious reason at all. There might be only one person in friend group who turns others against someone etc, same might be happening in schools and work places. Age does not matter, adults can be childish and bullies too. For example in my first college there was a girl, nice and pretty but for some reason many my class mates started to make her feel left out. They say she is dumb etc. And in real, there was nothing wrong with her. She was nice person, never talked bad about anyone and did absolutely nothing toxic or wrong. She was not my closest friend but i was friendly to her and we hang out sometimes outside school too. I hang out with whole class pretty much also but this particular girl was not that often included, sometimes but other people in the class became like bunch of buddies. And this is quite typical...maybe only one person didnt like her and turned rest of the people agaisnt her or something like that. I mean she was not bullied but just made to be more outsider. The problem was someone else or few other people, not her.
Yes. I do. Aside from here on RUclips, I do not have any social media accounts. All of my friends do. As a person who does not participate in social media, I can tell you FOR CERTAIN that it has changed the way people interact in real life. I can't stand it. It's ruined people.
If your style is living for yourself, don't depend on social media. I mean I know how much people like to include in social media. Their social media is like their portfolio and they also get to include things that don't relate to portfolio as well. I prefer not to compare my life to other people so therefore, I am not interested to see how well other people do in their lives. Examples is like, they have a job, they got their own place, they got married. They got into a prestigious school etc. I would rather make this as not my business to know because I would follow my own path and not worry about it as competition. Many choose to compete only to feel depressed but only appear happy in the public's eye.
This has been a life long struggle for me. Thanks so much for putting it into perspective. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m unintentionally bringing the group vibe down whenever I hang out with my friends or if I’m joining the group late and everyone is just better friends with each other. (Which is often the case) or if I’m just socially cursed lol. Anyways it’s weirdly comforting to know that I’m not the only one who experiences this.
I know I tend to be a Debbie downer when I hang out with people, but when you have very little adult interaction and very little time to hang out with friends, it's hard to just be happy and talk about the good things. Or if you talk about the good things then you come across as bragging. It's hard
This just happened to me recently that I felt left out when my friends didnt invite me to go on a holiday out of town (ofc it wasn't impulsive). But no matter I look into it and reflect on myself, I cant find any reason why I didnt get invited and cant stop thinking I just dont matter much to them. Is that okay to think that way?
Hello, we have the same situation. My friends have not been inviting me when they meet up for 2x already this past months. Actually, I'm thinking of confronting them about it. This is the second time that I have felt left out by them, the first one was 2 years ago. I'm contemplating whether to continue my relationship with them.
@@letticebuere2096 Confronting them will give them a more reason to get rid of you. What if you were to get your job interview? You wouldn't want to ask them why they didn't hire you. Same as with them. Part of making friends is supposed to give a good impression. It is like an elevator pitch. If you cannot impress them, you don't earn your spot with them. They could end up giving answers you don't want to hear. It is possible that they did not want you but just didn't know how to tell you. That is why you are excluded. Once you tell them, that is when they find flaws in you. They had history of not inviting you 2 years ago and then they don't give you an invitation for the past months. If you confront them, they would already report you as a stalker. Questioning them would show that you act too entitled and they will have a power to claim you stalked them. Trust me, I have done that in middle school in the 90s. Whenever you hang out with someone without their consent, they can have a power to claim you are a creepy stalker. To gain their respect, just disappear. Do not continue hanging out with them because once they sense that you cannot handle solitude life, you would be out.
During your reflecting time, you did not find out why. Here is the reason. You got to at least act like you are happy with solitude life. If you cannot get used to solitude life, you cannot make friends. You must not view them as friends because you have not gone through the process of making a good impression on them yet. Part of making a good impression is not to give an impression that you feel lonely in solitude. If they know how lonely you feel, you would be kicked out. They are the type of people who has not accept you; therefore, you got to leave them alone. If they view you as their friend, they would already reach out to you long time ago. If you call them friends now, you will be living a lie. You also cannot contact them nor hang out with them because they can report you as a creepy stalker. So if you aren't invited, just cut them out of your life.
@@letticebuere2096 I’ve been going through a similar situation the past month and a half as well. My friends haven’t invited me to their past hangouts for unknown reasons. Although one of them was a fair and the reason was bc I probably would’ve said no bc I find fairs boring but still would’ve liked an invite to know I’m not left out and forgotten. But as for dinner, bar, and concert I was angry and sad cuz I felt forgotten and left out. I want to confront them about this but am scared to start an argument/fight, knowing a truth that would hurt my feelings even more, etc.
@@letticebuere2096keep your dignity and send them packing. Nothing like a good slow ghosting and letting it fade away. I recently went through this and figured it wasn’t me it was them that needed to go. I would get invited on trips very last minute if at all and if o went I got ignored by my ex-friends and their new friends so luckily I always kept a plan b dealing with them. I feel relief just parting ways. No more passive aggressive narcissistic behaviors anymore from their side. If you can’t talk to them about your problems, they are NOT your friends!
I'm sorry but some people are mean and that's why we feel that way.. Women can be vicious I'm glad my kids are grown, Hated all that!!! They are so Cliquey and if they don't like your kid, your'e social life is doomed. But I wish I knew how to get out of my drama brain back then, it would have saved me alot of sadness and feeling like crap, I mostly felt bad for my kids.
My rule of thumb is don't take things personally. Thinking about these kinds of things takes up energy and stress. I would rather stay home watch TV or do soemthing else, plus hanging out involves $$$$. I love being left out! Money is more important and will always be, sorry but that's the reality to survive in this world. Money talks, people walk.
@Billy McCatty Powell A thousand dollars for sure since not everyone is happy in a relationship and how many divorces I’ve seen happen. Also having kids is a big responsibility that I do not want to deal with.
I feel left out like my group 😢 they used to like me so much they include me they didn’t include me this time no I feel like they added others except me
That isn't going to be an appropriate reason. These things of asking what you want is supposed to be when you are going to stand up for yourself. Not for forcing others to like you. What if you were to go on a job interview? It wouldn't be appropriate to ask them to just give you a job. Feeling left out is not a good reason to tell them you want in because that is like you wanting someone to teach you how to act too entitled. You can't force others to like you. Asking what you want is only meant to stand up for yourself in a heated argument but not to force things to go your way.
If they leave you out, leave them alone. Forget about them. If you keep joining without their consent, you will be the most annoying person in a group. Don't join when you know they don't give you permission. What kind of purpose are you even going to gain for joining them? You will only get more misery even if you join them. People also complained that despite them being part of a group, they still feel lonely. That is exactly how you will feel if you join them. All you get is misery. This is not a time to fix them. There is no point being their doormat just to fit in.
Thank you for this. It’s really helped me see a recent ‘rejection’ in a whole different way. It’s also helped me reflect and understand why I don’t want to invite one particular friend on a group holiday for my 40th birthday, even though I love her very much. I felt so guilty before, yet now I have to confidence to talk about this with her if it comes up.
My experience is there is a time, reason and a season for everything including relationships. I’ve found that relationships come into my life for one of three purposes… 1.) A Reason - we are to help each other for a specific reason. Maybe it’s to accomplish a goal together, complete a project together, help each other thru a specific event… once this Reason is accomplished the relationship changes. 2.) A Season…people come into our lives for a specific season… could be a month, a year or decades. When that season is complete the relationship changes. 3.) A lifetime… some people come into our life and remain forever. We never know if they are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. So for me I treat all like they are in my life for a lifetime all the while realizing very few are and let go of them gracefully knowing there will be more coming my way.
There are friends I always have to call or text if I want to stay in touch with them. They never call or text me first. I have friends that want to spend time with me, but only if it's in a way that's convenient for them. I have to always go to their house or meet them somewhere out of my way, they won't come to my house. I have friends that have told me that we were going to make plans and they never make the effort to follow through. These things do make me feel like I'm not important and forgotten about. I'm to the point where I'm tired of going out of my way for them, when they don't ever sacrifice their time for me. I understand that I work less and don't have a family, but my time and efforts are not worth less than their is, in my opinion.
I can Relate to what you say but don’t let them ‘dull your sparkle’ You have to be a Good friend first before you can have good friends,but if you always put the effort in and it isn’t ever reciprocated you have to set boundaries and find new friends etc.Not always easy i know!!As long as you don’t reject yourself thats the main thing,its what you whisper to yourself thats important not what people say about you peace🕊
Part of making friends is like an elevator pitch. Think about this. You work so in the past, what happened when you went in the job interview? You wouldn't want to ask them why they didn't hire you. Same as with the friends group. You got to know how to give an impression. You can't rush and claim that they are your friends if they don't even show you 1 sign of giving you permission to hang out; therefore, you cannot just go around calling or texting without that years of bondage. When there is no bondage, rule #1 is not to ever call or text them. When you call or text them, you will be wasting their time because you did not wait for them to accept you. They will automatically see you as a lonely stalker. Real friends don't use hang out time in order to use them. If they are using you, they are your fake friends. You got to be able to be ok with solitude life in order to gain attraction of other people. You cannot hang out with people and expect anything in return. That would be acting too entitled. If they aren't returning favors, that is how you know that you must cut them out of your life. Don't waste time with people who doesn't want you in their lives. You will create enemies and you will end up living a lie pretending to have friends.
I've always been an outcast I don't know what it is that I do that keeps overlooked and on the outside but it's almost killed me once and I'm worried that it will drive me into that depression again one day
As hard as it is (esp as a HSP), the best thing to do is focus on the people that love you and reciprocate the kind of energy you give, as opposed to the people who do not, because it is exhausting and will make it almost impossible to overcome feelings of unlovability or unworthiness if you don't. I am learning to stop chasing after relationships- whether family or friends- as I noticed this reoccurring pattern in my life. Go where the energy is reciprocated, period. And if there is a certain type of relationship/friendship you want in your life, be that friend to others and ask/pray/believe for that to come into your life ❤️.
Best to leave your daughter's cousin alone. You cannot force your nephew or niece to hang out with your daughter. For you to be the aunty, just teach your daughter to be ok with solitude life. The worst idea is to teach your kids to be entitled. The longer you teach your kids to be ok with solitude life knowing that she still have you, then you will not feel bad. It takes self-discipline to detach. The more you learn to detach, you will heal from this and won't feel bad for her.
This is how I feel through family gatherings. Since I don't interact with them, they all look for my sister when both of us don't attend a gathering and my sister would brag about it and intentionally let me hear that everyone else is looking for her. Since I was always the quiet type, the one who doesn't drink and socialize, I was left out. It's like my sister is a complete different being when in there. I know it's not her fault to invite me over when she's with our cousins but maybe I wanted to feel like she actually cared. No one in my family would even remember me on my birthday. They would just remember me when they want something from me, after that, I'm back to being invisible.
I'm not sure where you are or what's going on, but government-sanctioned societal exclusion of certain types of people is ostracization on a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL, a whole different kind of pain. How awful. 😢
This wasn't a good video for me to watch. You spent SO much time looking at a couple of different angles and essentially ignored the fact that sometimes it's NOT all on you, sometimes you ARE left out or rejected. Because of the crappy childhood, I had I became very big on honesty and self-ownership, I own up to my flaws and question where I stand... I think your video comes across as a sort of victim-blaming to people who are actually being rejected and you rejected even addressing that.
I would rather you have dealt with the reality that you were not wanted.Then trying to make excuses for them .This did not help me deal with the awful feeling of being leftout or snubbed
One thing is people inviting you like the example in this video, other thing is people talking about hanging out in front of you, and when you ask what is about they make sure to answer clearly this is something you won't be invited to. Sometimes is not in our heads.
These type of people are the type who cannot make up their minds. If they disown you, they are not your friends. If they invite you, they have to mean it. If part of them want to take back. If they invite you, you need to make sure they are 100% willing to give up their busy schedule. There is no such excuse for them to defend their busy schedule. It is either they want to hang out with you or they don't. That is why if you are desperate to join, this is exactly how they use this against you. If they back down and they know you are desperate, this is how they know they get away treating you like a trophy. If they invite you, make sure not to say yes immediately. You got to make sure they are not inviting you just to bully you. You got to make sure they see value in you and making sure they don't abandon you. If they invite you, make sure they mean it and make sure they are not there to play hard to get. If they invite others in front of you, act like you have something better to do. Trick is don't invite yourself. If these people like to play hard to get, act like you are not interested because they are looking for someone who has a weak mind. They plan to rub it in your face so if you say yes way too easily, they wanted to take credit on rejecting you. Don't play their games. Walking away is your power because all they want to do is give false hope. Acting like you love solitude life is how you beat them at their own games.
So your relatable example of being left out is that this friend that you haven't seen in weeks does invite you to an event the first moment you talk to eachother? That's not being left out, that's being included despite being distant. The two aren't similar at all.
Yes. Not similar and does not fit the theme. I mean if a person is acting too ungrateful after that partner does all these work, then that person is just going to complain and claim other side is greener. I mean if this person complains after getting included, then this person is just not learning to be happy after being included. If being bullied, then it is understandable but distancing is not a reason. Examples will be like this. If supposed I invite you and you came, it is up to you to make that trip count. I may give it my best to make that hang out a happy experience but if you feel left out, there may be nothing I can do about that. So in a situation like this, just don't expect partners to hold your hands while doing this hang out activity. So it is up to us to take care of ourselves after agreeing to join.
Julia, how do I feel being left out. It is a real struggle for me. Whenever I go visit my daughter-in-law and she does not speak to me for the time I am visiting it really make me feel left out. When I get there I will give her a hug. Tell her it’s nice to see you or how was your day? I get the one word response. After a while I just freeze up and literally cannot find anything to start up a conversation. I love her, I really try to accept her as an introvert. I know is is a kind person, I know she is an old soul with wisdom. I watch her talk to my grand-daughter at the dinner table but they won’t engage in a conversation with me. We do live 7 hours apart. I did go to Florida for 14 years in the winter time so was not there to bond with them for months. I would go to see them in the summertime. I have a lot of love to offer but it just seems like they are not interested including me at all and it hurts. What can I do.
Thank you for this video, Julia. For me it's very timely. By that I mean mine and my brother's dad is going to spend Thanksgiving with our older sister and her family in the Reno/Truckee area while my brother and I are left alone to spend Thanksgiving as just the 2 of us. The entire family dynamic is a whole other topic I can get to another time.
Sucks when it's family, and you are the obvious third wheel. I don't think your advice involves helpful strategies. And they sound like sucky friends if they don't take the good with the bad - sounds like you are justifying shallow "feel light & bubbly" relationships.
Julia Christina cancelling. Thank you for sharing this video on being left out or feeling left out your videos are very good advice and helpful I can relate to the topic 👍😔
I know this is a late comment but I was on Roblox and I was on a roplay game and I asked can I join so they said yes but then they said no you don’t get to join then I kept asking and I was the only one out of the 20 ppl to be kicked out and as it was little it was hurtful and I started crying for no reason and I just breathed in and out it happend like 1 minute ago btw
If the answer of feeling left out is that i m an introvert or they all match vibes then why is this life so hard for me why i have to put an extra effort for even a small thing, thay are also humans but they dont feel left out most of the times, why are they extrovert
Julia, you do NOT have to fix yourself. Your response was normal. People suck. It is not what a person says or does, but who says and does. Here is the "fix". Boundaries to everything. If events work out where you are treated just like every one else, good. But if you are plan B, C, or D, with no hope of upgrade (good luck with that as people have the attention span of a moth), reject the invitation.
Well, I’m friendly and conversational and I put people at ease but friend groups form all around me and I’m just there - on the sidelines. The people that enjoy my ear don’t consider me to be worthy of their time outside of work. Meanwhile everyone else finds time for the odd conversation or get-together on weekends, etc. I don’t get it. I’m not even an introvert which I recognize can be a barrier for many. As this is a ‘thing’ I’ve seen from time to time growing up, perhaps it’s me but it’s also who I chose to associate with. For whatever reason I surround myself by fun, immature and selfish people so I suppose I shouldn’t expect much.
That just means it is a sign you should not be too friendly. You are friendly where you are decent, easy to get along with. Not friendly to a point where you give them power to control you. That is still making you a good coworker. You don't need to hang out with them to feel important. What makes you a good coworker is because you listened to them, help them out and get along with them but it doesn't mean you have to go out with them. You don't have to party with them. You don't have to be invited to each other's houses. I can be friendly too but I still don't let that bother me. I see many other people is able to go out on dates, go on honeymoons. I still don't investigate the reason. I still don't compete. I can still enjoy my solitude life. That example is you cannot expect to have friends even if you work well with them. Even if they have been your partner at work does not mean they have to be part of your life outside of work. If they are immature and selfish, I don't bother with them and you should not either. Being friendly also does not mean you have to babysit them and it don't mean you have to give them attention. See how I don't show signs of being desperate. I can still be friendly to them and expect nothing in return.
At the beginning of quarantine I got together outside with my old friend from when I was younger she became my best friend. We would talk and play online games for hours. Then when we finally got back into school she found another friend and eventually it was always her and her friend. And she said it was a “friend group” but no it was always her and her friend I always tried to come in the conversation but they just stared at me and got back into their conversation. And at this time I was only in 5th grade and only 10 years old. And god I felt so alone there was this other girl in our “friend group” who was left out also. I told that girl about them and she felt that way also. Eventually my “best friend” and her new friend got into a fight cause her new friend said something she shouldn’t have said to someone else. And then my “best friend” was very mad. My best friends friend became best friends with one of my friends and apparently that girl started talking crap about my “best friend” and my “best friend” started talking crap about her. Then the next week they became friends again and it went back to how it was. Then I realized how terrible those two people were and how bad of a friend they are. I’m in the next grade now and I got a best friend now and she has made me the happiest person I’ve been for a while. I’m not friends with either of them now besides the other girl that was left out also. But she’s still “friends” with those two but I see her walking alone with the other two and the girl thats left out’ sister. And I feel so bad that I yelled at my old best friend and told her how terrible she is. My old best friend and her friend are now really rude and act as if they rule the world. And now I’m so glad I don’t talk to them anymore. :) thanks for reading I typed a lot.
I resonate with others comments about gaslighting self or thinking it’s me all the time - fixing self adjusting - for a person who is mostly adapted and trying to ask for what they need and trying to feel self power - not sure I want to shapeshift to accommodate others. I’m working more towards solitude and enjoying it. Rather than being lonely with many friends.
I just feel left out around my family I just can't be my self I hate it and they are sulfish and disgusting I just want an other family name I think they hate me and I am only pushing it I guess I will stop doing that I hate it when I am not important around my family than I am around my friends and strangers it's a horrible feeling I wish I can change this
I have who I though were my friends didn’t invite me or at least tell me. I feel hurt and idk maybe I did something wrong. It’s really painful right now. Idk what to do
Look at that spelling. You are saying you need to be separated from your grandson. Correct way is you need to be a part of your grandson's life. A Part of your grandson's life is 2 words. Apart means separated. If you say apart, you will need an explanation on why you need to be separated from your grandson. Like any explanation on why you don't see yourself as a good grandparent? A part means part of someone's life. Apart means separated.
It’s not unreasonable for them to not want to take your more intense emotions on, but I’d say it’s a bit cowardly and surface level. That’s why those people fall away, vibrational mismatches. Intensity isn’t bad.
I am with you. Once you are being mistreated, you are going to want to be left out. Chances are, other people gets a free pass while if I do that same thing, they blame me. I know I am an easy target to be picked on. Many of them would hate to admit their flaws so that is why this thing can go on and on where I leave myself out of this while they try to convince me to join without them putting an effort to humble themselves. Family members do not know how to impress. So it sounds like your family will only view you as toxic all because you defend your solitude life. In reality, we cannot be held responsible as being toxic just because we mind our own business. Those that are entitled make up the rules and claim we are in relationship for control. I would be like how is wanting to be left alone considered attempting to be in relationship for control.
@@juliakristinamah awwww… I’m planning on it! Missing you and the team there also! It’s definitely account for many of my big shifts. I’m ready to make a ripple now!
It’s not that their jerks they just genially don’t think of me when they invite. I have good conversations when I talk to them. I’m just a quite guy so I get it I guess
Being friendly towards you is good enough. There is no rules stating that friends needs to invite friends for anything. When they invite you, it is their gift to you. This is same as Xmas. You don't ask for presents. You receive it. If you ask, you are only inviting yourself. Receiving gifts is something you earn when you least expected. There should not be any rush for them. Remember that they don't owe you anything to begin with. They see you as their associates. So a good conversations with them don't automatically make them your friends. This is same as when I speak to my crush. I don't expect her to go out on a date with me because she barely knows me. They don't owe me hangouts. So in your position, the people you interact with are decent people and they don't have to prove anything. If I were in your position, I would rather just contact them for important things and be willing to walk away as soon as there is nothing else to say. That is a whole point of having good conversations. There is no requirement to be friends with them or bond with them no matter how friendly the conversation is.
if youre not one of the first on thoughts when it comes to invites or wanting to hang out and that they demonstrated less signs that they are less connected to you compared to their other friends then what is the point of making an effort of being around them as friends? whats the point of calling them your friends ? they are more like “ pleasant acquaintances rather than friends”
If they leave you out, leave them alone! I just let got of a friend of 8 years. When he gets around his other friends I’m literally left out or invited last minute. He recently started hanging with another group of friends that don’t like me because of jealousy on their part and started leaving me out. I just left it where it is and let them be. I removed myself from the fold and started ignoring their lame empathy invitations and left them on read! They recently invited me last minute to the beach and ignored me. After an hour and a half I realized that my ex-friend was pleasing his new group of friends and ignoring me. I don’t complain but took them back to Los Angeles with me and he complained about the entire trip. I just don’t and won’t invest time into fake people!
How did you even get a power to take them back to Los Angeles in the 1st place. Remember you said they leave you out which means it should not be your job to take them anywhere. It should be their job to arrange their own ride home. If they leave you out, you don't even need to drive them anywhere and you don't need to pick them up. What you could of done in order for them not to have an excuse to blame you is say sorry I am busy. You could of say sorry I did not know you went. You could of let them get back on their own. If mean if you never traveled with them, it isn't your job to give them a ride. Having you to giving them a ride is what will enable them to complain about their entire trip. Deep down they felt miserable without you but choose not to admit it. If you don't pick them up, they will have no one to blame but themselves. Picking them up and taking them to LA should not be something you should do. Don't be a people pleaser. The minute they don't invite you, do not bother seeing them. Cut them out of your life. You only take them to LA only if they were your travelling partner which you weren't.
I don't know who it may help but I am suffering through the same things since 20 f****ng years, I've always been everyone's last choice in everything throughout my life. I've tried to figure out stuff that made this happen, tried to analyse myself, tried all the ways that were in my hands(do try things which are in your hands) But if you have tried everything from your side and still to no avail, just keep this in mind, just remember that we alll don't always get everything we want, there are some things which we will have to live with it the way they are, YOU WILL NEED TO ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.... remember me ITSSSS NOTT YOUR FAULTT.... IT'S JUST NOT IN YOUR FATEE Just acknowledge the things you have Be confident about yourself coz again it's not your fault.... If it is in your fate you'll definitely get it, else you won't regardless your exteme efforts But yes I promise you everything will find it's way in the end, believe me
My mom and my brother, her favorite clone for her father, had fun my entire youth leaving me out, making me feel second best. I am happy to say that I married and moved away from this sickness, but the very thought, feeling, of being in that same situation makes me sick. I guess the residual effect of this experience is that I don't want to need people; and don't depend on them for warmth and security. And, I'm not really surprised when people aren't reliable. In someway this makes for a very lonely life but its only a part of who I am. The rest of me has found other non-toxic people, made my own family, and escaped the past.
Feeling like this rn. I like to be by myself most of the time, but when i see my friends hanging out and posting pictures on Instagram, a tiny bit of me starts to feel lonely
Remember be strong. You already convinced yourself that you are comfortable being by yourself. If you feel lonely for choosing solitude life, that is like you broke your own promise. If you feel lonely, that is like you felt regret for choosing a solitude life. Once you choose solitude life, you commit to it with no regret. That is part of being strong. When you see them posting pictures, they are like tempting you to doubt yourself. You just have to remind yourself to be strong and don't fall for that temptation. So get off social media. Don't even bother looking at their activities. Block them if you have to.
That makes sense Julia, most of those negative thoughts in that case will be the products of misinterpreting some vital facts which more likely be fuelled by the inclination behavior of being self centered, and not taking on board the circumstances that let the other person acting in that manner in that particular situation, good job, Thanks you
Best video yet, for me. I’ll be watching this again and again until it is programmed into my sub consciousness ( brilliant and can relate to that similar negative thinking)
As you get older, you understand it better to a point where you know how to detach. Once you know how to take care of yourself, you don't need them. If they want to convince you, they need to be the one earning your respect. Other people can make up stories about you being shy all they want because deep down, they don't want to admit their wrongdoings of mistreating you. In reality, those type of people do not know how to impress. They would attempt to change the story where you are the villain. If they keep doing that, that is why you are the type of person that prefers solitude life. Other people who mistreated you would have a hard time admitting flaws. Overall, the only reason why they want you around is to be in relationship for control.
I have a friend to whom I'm very good terms with. Today our friendship pass 3 and half year. I really adore my friendship with her. But as new people came, she got sway to them. Her all preferences are them not me now. The things we do as friends but now she is doing with them. She looks so happy with them. She adore them more than me. I just once complain her when I start feeling this all then things were not same like before. Now I'm always left out. I mentally suffer with them. I feel like it's a torture to me.
Hey so I’m kinda feel left out sometimes but I’m not sure if I’m like I hang out with these group of friends we would always joke around but I feel like they kinda got bored when I try to talk to one of them they just don’t really talk back but maybe it’s just me maybe I’m not talking enough can u give me advice
![Cody Johnson - I'm Gonna Love You (with Carrie Underwood) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/yy9PuYMU29g/mqdefault.jpg)
I don't feel left out, im literally being left out
I'm so sorry, that's super tough 💔
Same
Same here
I completely get you, dude. The worst part is if we ever bring it up we’re called “delusional”.
Me too
The problem I have with these solutions is that we constantly have to ‘fix’ ourselves… When in reality, sometimes people are just jerks.
Yeah exactly.
Absolutely..
You can’t control others’ behavior, just your reactions. So it will always be a “self fix”, even if that fix is just not caring cause those people are jerks.
Leave me out? Then leave me alone….for good. Bye!
You can only control yourself & your reactions. Check your perspective of things first before trying to change others.
My problem is that I feel left out often, but oftentimes I just want to be left alone. I am a contradiction. It's uncomfortable for me because I would like to be included and belong; I just don't want to talk about stupid, superficial things all the time. Also I like to rest my voice, and most people drain me.
@Katora Khan that’s literally have i feel. you put it into words perfectly!
Same 💜❤️
@@kimberlyjones538 💜
@Solid Cat Ink-Wow! I have felt that way all of my life. You are not alone. When I would tell people I'm close to how I feel, they would shame me and wouldn't understand. It is refreshing to know someone has had the same experience.
@@teresanoble47 :)
I tried to gaslight myself and tell myself that I have social anxiety and this is all in my head. But I have to accept the fact that I am in fact being left out and this is very much real. No matter how hard I try to be social, at the end of the day my "friends"don't care for me and I can't do anything abt it. I'm tired of trying. Maybe I'll have friends in another life. I just wanna move on.
It is not your fault, I am sure there is someone out there who cares about you. Shift your focus to someone who really cares about you instead of those who don't give a f.
I too feel the same way. After a long time of no friends you stop pointing the finger at everyone else and convince yourself maybe I am the problem.
Respecting their decisions by leaving them is a start. I mean they don't want to take you so all you can do is respect their decision by walking away. If you stick around, they will have a power to call you a stalker and will have many ways to looks for flaws in you. So proud of you. You took the responsibility by not showing entitlement. All you did is put yourself out there and socialize. Note that socialize does not have to mean making friends. So when you socialize, you also learned to detach yourself from them. The replace the word tired of trying in a positive way, it is more like you are ready to detach yourself from them and move on with your life. You may still be social but if you sense they don't like you, just respect their decision by leaving them. Note that you don't have to be anyone's doormat to force yourself to make friends. Difference is you can be a social type of person does not mean you have to have friends to call yourself social.
Get new hobbies, find your tribe elsewhere. Be authentically you and dont try to be people pleaser.
I usually hope that I'm not invited to things. As an introvert it's only rarely I want to go to things because I dont want forced socialization. It only becomes difficult in the rare circumstances I do want to go to. I enjoy my free time which is a minimal amount of times outside my heavy work week
“ I Give the gift of my absence to them who do not appreciate my presence.”
The left out feelings I get are mostly from people I use to hang out with a lot but they started claiming they were "too busy" but yet are constantly talking about what they do with other people. I'm trying to figure out what I did to cause it, but I'm not sure what changed. Other than I was going through a tough time and I felt like they abandoned me. Maybe I wasn't fun anymore? Not to be a downer, but they aren't good friends if they abandon you when you need them. I don't think you can only be a good friend only if you are happy all the time. That seems fake.
Yes i Agree,Some people ahave a pack mentality and want to be top dog,or don’t have a empathetic side,Pay Attention to what your paying attention to as sometimes its a transference of feelings people pick up on.If your feeling vulnerable they pick up on it and kind of use that against you etc.I respect your courage to face your fears and question yourself but make sure your smile changes the world but don’t let the world change your smile lol
peace😲🕊
What I feel in life is more about facing my own fear and despair, and I often think: why do they look busy, why am I not so busy, it seems like my life is not going anywhere, I am stuck They stayed where they were, and they kept moving forward. This feeling will make me even more afraid to contact them. After all, I just want a stable environment where I can live safely, not a relationship that can change at any time. I may need a sense of security lol.
Absolutely agree.
I went through a rough time with my husband and ever since I am left out in all circles. Glad I didn’t count on them to be there through that time.
Life is so fake anymore.
I've gone through the same, people whom I used to hang out with all the time and talk to them for hours on end, chose to abandon me and they stayed friends themselves. It was really hurtful, don't know where I went wrong
Those friends who stick around when u go through hard times and help you out are those you really want to share your happiness and success too whe you feel great.
Is it real friendship tho when someone is around only when you feel great or succesfull ? I dont think so, sometimes everyone needs support and listening ears.
If I care about a friend or family member I feel bad if they feel bad. I want to see them happy.
Alltho if someone is always down, negative and whining its normal that people want to avoid that person.
I've experienced this all my life, as you get older, you learn to not care as much. Happy Thanksgiving Julia, much love friend. Very thankful for you!!!
Isn't that a great part of getting older? You just start to care less about things that don't matter as much.
@@juliakristinamah it does feel great!!
@Hulumoon don’t initiate anymore. Let them reach out to you & if they don’t, you’ll see how many “dead plants” you were watering. It’s not you, perhaps they’re jealous of you, maybe you have really good hearted qualities that can’t be faked. You’d be surprised at how mean girl some women can be, even though they’re much too old to act like 13 year olds. Do your own thing, don’t worry about them. Your rejection is God’s protection, maybe they aren’t the great people u thought they were?
@Hulumoon you’re welcome!
Me too. @Nfsman
So whoever is being left out, should stop and think “am I a bad companionship ?” , YES I AM, NOW I FEEL GREAT! 🙄, most of the time ppl get left out is because those leaving you out don’t really care about you, and if it hurts you, most of the time is because you indeed care about them.
Rejection is protection .🤗
A woman who I thought was a friend called me. We talked a lot, then she talked about her birthday party, which was to take place the next day. She continued to tell in a good mood, also about all the guests who were supposed to come.
I wasn't invited, I noticed that quickly. Suddenly she stopped talking and was silent. "You can come too if you want," she said. I could tell that she was embarrassed.
I didn't have a present, and I didn't want to embarrass her for inviting me for the wrong reasons. So I refused and told her I had to work and I couldn't come. Which was also true.
When I wrote her an email a year later and told her about my book deal with a publisher, she called me 10 minutes later!
At some point she told about her son, who would also write. She talked more about it and at some point I had to tell her that I was not in a position to get her son a book deal. But I could edit his texts completely free of charge and without obligation. I have never heard from her since. That hurts! I feel like I have been thrown away.
Please … just don’t take it personally. Your “friend” is simply a narcistic, people exploiting person. You do not need such people in your circle. Trust me, you are better off without her waisting your time and attention. 🌸
Lol. I've encountered my neighbor at a supermarket.
We're just "hello" neighbors.
Anyway, she came to me with a big smile. Asking how I was etc... In a super friendly way. Like I've never seen. Then she asked if I had a car to take home the groceries. To which I've replied no.
As soon as I've said that, she left so fast that I was glad I didn't have my car that day.
That is really crappie… I think we all go through this type of thing and have to develop some perspective!
Most of the time when I am not invited to something, when I really think about it, I won’t want to go anyway.
@@happygoluckystar8069 that’s exactly what came to my mind also, narcissistic ( I know because of dynamics in my family). So spot on
Some people lean towards being takers, some lean towards being givers. Overly simplified to say it this way. But it helped me.
I have realized that those people that don’t include me I have always felt uncomfortable around them, so I think to myself those kind of people I don’t want in my life anyway. If you can never figure someone out and feel very awkward around them then you don’t need them in your life!! You always know when your around the right people when you can be yourself and have fun!! 🥰
Yeah I have had the same thing happen to me. I don't feel at ease with them but I still want to be invited
Very true. It’s the soul-connection!
Thanks u made me feel better
Yes exactly! A good way to put it. Thanks!
I agree. And it happens alot in churches. Clicks everywhere. I’m going through this very thing. Been to a few ladies functions and being new, I was left to a whole empty table by myself. I felt so inferior each time I attended these ladies functions, all the while thinking I wd get to know them through these get togethers. Most people don’t make room for new friends, unless you have certain status they’re interested in. If I have to beg for your attention and to like me, I don’t have time for you in my kids. It’s always performance based feeling like I have to show them how wonderful and cool and pretty and sweet or whatever I am, before you get to even want to look my way. and I’m tired. Why not just get to know someone who’s new and try not to be exclusive?
I actually started getting teary-eyed hearing about you being invited last minute, as if it had happened to me. Feeling left out is a huge one for me. Thank you for this video. 💓
Really glad it connected.
It's a fact that there are individuals whom are routinely marginalised and excluded, not because of their negative qualities but because most people are unaware that they discriminate against certain types of people.
I just do not believe people are unaware.
@@TheFeliciakelley Exactly. They are aware of what they're doing. They just choose not to care.
Absolutely. Some are aware, some are not - but there are definitely people who get left out because of discrimination.
@@juliakristinamah I do believe they are not aware..
As someone that gets discriminated against a lot, people are very much aware of what they’re doing.
So that’s bull crap.
Some therapist practice this a lot..
Pretending to be unaware of their own bullshit .
I really do not care for humans.. So disingenuous !!!
When I tell these people how I feel left out, that still ignore me and no reply and that makes me even feel more inferior
Very timely for Thanksgiving. Many people feel left out when they get together with their family or relatives. Because they are so different from their family or relatives. Maybe they don’t participate in the negative conversation of their family and relatives. And so they feel left out.
True
Peter Larsen, you have described this subject very well! Thank you so much for your thoughts and reflections;very true insight. 😃
Some subjects are sad, but empathy is truly a gift and blessing whenever we can help another person reflect and "be there",to be hopeful, not hurtful.😇🌹🙏Be authentic
absolutely. You can be left out because you're not willing to participate in things that are not in alignment with your beliefs or values.
@@juliakristinamah ,Thank you so much, Julia! 😍💕💖There have been times when I don't feel comfortable with certain things that people say and or "do". I'm not going to go along with something",if I don't approve and feel that it's right"
They makes me feel awful on purpose, the feeling when you realise you are their side friend and they've always used you,,it breaks my heart
It is the time to cut those people out of your life. I mean on purpose, that is a low blow. What would of been better is if they make you feel awful with good intentions of getting you to improve yourself, that would be better. If it is meant to make you feel awful without any goal of how to improve your life, I say those people are jerks.
Thankyou, your comment just clarified for me, what I was looking for the right word for. “ SIDE FRIEND”,,,, I’m letting you know, that you JUST HELPED ME!!!😂😂❤❤
Sometimes, supposed friends don't invite you because they know you are too real and might offend their other fake friends with your realness.
A lot of women are just plain jealous! An absolute reason for leaving someone out☹️
I think another part of the process after you have not gone down a dark rabbit hole AND you thought about the energy you are bringing to the table is figuring out if certain people are worth getting upset over not being invited. If you are repeatedly being left out, you might want to focus your energy into people who choose YOU. That being said, give people some grace for not always choosing you as it really probably does have little to do with you!
Yes to all of this. Sometimes we just don't jive with certain people, so it's good to find people we do.
Yes I’ve found this!!! A group of friends that I used to be really good friends with and see a lot - we then didn’t see each other as much - but still considered a group but then there were also mini groups within the group. Then a fall out happened between two of us - one being the one who organised a lot of the meets ups. And unfortunately this has lead to me not really being invited to things anymore. I loosely suggested meeting to some of the others but didn’t really have much response. Just don’t think we’re aligned anymore. And when Im really honest about it, I was probably trying to continue the friendships when energetically it’s probably just not the same anymore. I have other friendships where it just flows effortlessly and we are very much aligned. So yes letting go of people/groups can be another step. Although a painful one sometimes. Thanks for adding this Tonya and for your video Julia!
No, I feel more like Taylor Swift an antihero. It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.
However, I’m not sure what to do about it or what I’m even doing wrong. Being myself apparently doesn’t work. I’m a little angry today because I’m just tired of having to fight the loneliness and whatever it is that makes me not OK. I’ve got books and dogs and lots of music. People suck but I really would like to have some friends I knew I could count on. There’s no guarantees.
The best action in my opinion is to leave them, if they don't want you don't force it there is always other ones
Yes! This will prove you do not have low self-esteem. A lot of people who attempts to force it makes excuses such as they did nothing wrong when in reality, they tried to do favors and expects to charge them with hanging out. By being willing to leave, it shows you are not giving in to entitlement.
Thats not always the best idea. I think sometimes it’s best to talk about how u feel to the other person because sometimes that person might not mean it intentionally
What if they do it intentionally and there is no other person for you, you're alone 🙂
@@harimamomin5517 Got to be careful because once you attempt to talk this one out after being rejected, they can take that as entitlement. If they don't take you, it is best to leave them be. Don't try to fix them.
Good information and skills on how to navigate through these difficult feelings. Yes it hurts. And we do have to turn the mirror back to ourselves and ask these hard questions. Thank you ❤
This is so synchronistic. This wound came up for me to heal yesterday! Wow. Totally resonated and helped me understand further! Thank you 🙏🏼
Yeah it just came up for me
Thank you Julia for covering this topic. Super helpful!
Being left out for quite frequently, among friends and coworkers, cause me to scrutinize myself, making me a people pleaser and somehow loose my true self. Now growing older i slowly understand that people that left me out maybe has their own reasons that has nothing to do with me or sometimes we simply are not close enough and appreciate different things in life. I can't be a favorite person for everyone. That's fine with me.
I was feeling bad about being locked out, then I realized it was better than being locked in ‼️‼️‼️♥️😊
Awesome reframe!!
Hello everyone I'm a follower of this channel and I watch these videos they are all important and good advice I'm not new I just don't comment very much I get anxious writing comments this video topic is very helpful throughout my life iv felt left out of Meany different things some because of my anxiety and others because I wasn't comfortable or into alout of things the people in my life was into eather way being left out isn't nice no matter what if it's because it's your choice or because of your mental health take care people x
I got over the feeling of being left out years ago. I have had nobody in my life since 8 August 2000. I adapted to exist alone. Today, I am so self-reliant, resourceful, and independent, that I can not conceive of functioning with others. It only hurt the first two years. But adapting to having no friends, I found enormous benefits. I can not imagine existing like I did before I isolated. Humans are indoctrinated to be social from birth. But, once I started functioning beyond my indoctrination, I found an incredible new lifestyle. Life is so simple without worrying about what others think about me, wondering why I was left out, and wondering if someone is being honest with me or not. I have no true social media network memberships. I have no social circle scheduling conflicts. I do not travel in a herd and having to go where the herd goes. I do not have to worry about the subject matter in the video at all. All this is far in the past. I am glad I socially isolated. I go weeks without seeing a single person. The freedom is incredible. My mind is so clear because I worry nothing about any sort of social complexities. The video sounds so very complicated. With no friends, girlfriend, aquaintences, all the video subject matter disappears. 23 years without social connections can not be wrong. Life is much easier without a social existence. Besides, it seemed people did not care if I spent time with them, or not. I was just an afterthought because I was too quiet. Now, being quiet does not pose any problem.
I'm glad you can live this way, I like also to not worry about others opinion of me, etc and for people to not judge me, and im happy to not socialise also but I still feel I have to , I haven't gone as far as you to happily isolate myself, however I have isolated myself to avoid all the stressors you mentioned by associating with people but I haven't done this happily and still feel I need to mix with people when I'm at a stage they won't judge me, so I have a no win situation
@@simsim5919 It is a learning process. All of us have been indoctrinated, from birth, that we must be social to feel fulfilled and be successful. That indoctrination is done to keep people close together so the powers-that-be can monitor us better. It simply is not true that humans must be social. The first two years of social isolation, you will feel as if you need to seek out friendship, and a mate. After all, your indoctrination runs deep. It is not our fault. But, you feel a sudden peace come over you around the third year. You realise you need nobody in your life in an interpersonal fashion. It is all just a programmed preference. You will not die, nor become ill without interpersonal, social, contacts. In fact, your body will become far healthier. Your mind will become far more active. You will become self-reliant, independent, crafty, and stop considering asking for assistance from anybody. Embrace your new lifestyle. You require no interpersonal, social, interactions to live. Air, water, food, shelter, are all that are required for humans to live. Everything else are luxuries, including being social, which serves little purpose.
@@indridcold8433 I have Christian beliefs so a part of being Christian is to help others when you can aa long as your not a doormat, so I'd rather be what God would prefer me to be. I think it would be a much darker world than it is if no one spoke to anyone else , the temptation to isolate myself from others is always there it's easier for me to just have associations with people rather than have close friends.
I'm a happier person with Christian beliefs and I choose to believe what I do , im not indoctrinated about it, I've had some experiences that let me know there is something else in the spiritual realm
@@simsim5919 In today's world, one can be ruined by helping someone. Long ago, I helped a man out of a crashed vehicle. This was before were made that they trapped the occupants inside in a crash. The man, then tried to sue me forf damage to his prosthetic leg. I went to court and he lied all through the hearing. If it were not for the traffic camera, I would have lost a tremendous amount by just helping someone. It was then I decided nevef to help anybody again, in order to protect myself from undesirables. The All Mighty does not help those that do not help themselves. I am helping myself to stay safe now. As for people not speaking to each other, almost all conflicts are caused by poor social interactions. Delete social interactions and almost all conflict will disappear. There is no rule that states we must be social. It is simply an indoctrination handed forth from our birth. The negatives of being social, today, far outweigh the positives. There will be no further attempts and interpersonal, social, interactions, social connections, nor social associations from me. If one does not learn from our errors, we are destined to repeat those errors. I learned from my errors. Please remember that Jesus isolated himself crossing a desert when he was tempted by Satan. He was able to avoid the temptations of Satan completely isolated from human contact.
I like this videos. But I wish less chat and rambling before the actual topic .
This is SOOOO good Julia, I'm left out a lot from things and wonder why, but this helps so much. Thanks so much. Lots to think about, great perspective for me to learn from and to think about.
Great comment. Gracious & inquiring also. It seems you have a shaman quality, & they traditionally were set apart from the village, for deepening their equanimity & healing love for all, but also maybe would have been burdened by the mundane self-interested levels at which many folks exist.
I’m tired of being an afterthought, forgotten, ostracized all that stuff. 😢
Unfortunately this video doesn't address the very real problem of people actually leaving some people out.
I have at times felt left out, but when I thought it through I felt better! I too have the freedom of choice to invite any friend I choose to for lunch and so can others! Great vid, you covered most all the bases and explained why! You bring much clarity! Thank you!!
Glad this one connected.
@@juliakristinamah I connect with many of your vids! Look forward to them all, keep them coming!!
I’m often the odd one out. The only one single. The only one kidless. The youngest in the group. An extra wheel. I’m struggling to find a place where I fit.
I feel worse after listening to this lady. Condescending to the hurt. It’s the attitude of emotional superiority from ladies who have never been through anything.
Yeah
I hear you
It's as though some people aren't allowed to be vulnerable.
And some people can't handle --let alone understand & hold compassionate interest in people in difficult situations that don't have a solution (eg. Ill family member(s), aging vulnerable senior parents who can be abusive but you can't abandon them-- NO ONE wants to hear about it).
So you're on your in the DIY world.
Nobody knows what she has went through in her life.
But I agree that its not always person's own fault if they are left out, bullied etc.
Some people are just bullies. Bullies might be jealous to someone or just feel superiority when excluding others etc.
And bullies feel more powerful when they are with 2, 3 person group. One on one they are usually all nice.
Already in childhood people might be made left out because of over weight, they come from poor family and dont have the finest clothes or for no particular obvious reason at all.
There might be only one person in friend group who turns others against someone etc, same might be happening in schools and work places. Age does not matter, adults can be childish and bullies too.
For example in my first college there was a girl, nice and pretty but for some reason many my class mates started to make her feel left out. They say she is dumb etc. And in real, there was nothing wrong with her. She was nice person, never talked bad about anyone and did absolutely nothing toxic or wrong. She was not my closest friend but i was friendly to her and we hang out sometimes outside school too. I hang out with whole class pretty much also but this particular girl was not that often included, sometimes but other people in the class became like bunch of buddies.
And this is quite typical...maybe only one person didnt like her and turned rest of the people agaisnt her or something like that. I mean she was not bullied but just made to be more outsider. The problem was someone else or few other people, not her.
Did you ever think that "Social Media" has actually destroyed the normal social interactions & friendships we all used to have???
It's true
Yes. I do. Aside from here on RUclips, I do not have any social media accounts. All of my friends do. As a person who does not participate in social media, I can tell you FOR CERTAIN that it has changed the way people interact in real life. I can't stand it. It's ruined people.
If your style is living for yourself, don't depend on social media. I mean I know how much people like to include in social media. Their social media is like their portfolio and they also get to include things that don't relate to portfolio as well. I prefer not to compare my life to other people so therefore, I am not interested to see how well other people do in their lives. Examples is like, they have a job, they got their own place, they got married. They got into a prestigious school etc. I would rather make this as not my business to know because I would follow my own path and not worry about it as competition. Many choose to compete only to feel depressed but only appear happy in the public's eye.
@@hp2546 I’ve seen it called “Fakebook”. It’s important to realize you are comparing your blooper reel to other people’s highlight reels.
This has been a life long struggle for me. Thanks so much for putting it into perspective. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m unintentionally bringing the group vibe down whenever I hang out with my friends or if I’m joining the group late and everyone is just better friends with each other. (Which is often the case) or if I’m just socially cursed lol. Anyways it’s weirdly comforting to know that I’m not the only one who experiences this.
I know I tend to be a Debbie downer when I hang out with people, but when you have very little adult interaction and very little time to hang out with friends, it's hard to just be happy and talk about the good things. Or if you talk about the good things then you come across as bragging. It's hard
Be yourself. Don’t repress or edit anything about your feelings or your manner of communication. Some people will accept you, others won’t.
This just happened to me recently that I felt left out when my friends didnt invite me to go on a holiday out of town (ofc it wasn't impulsive). But no matter I look into it and reflect on myself, I cant find any reason why I didnt get invited and cant stop thinking I just dont matter much to them. Is that okay to think that way?
Hello, we have the same situation. My friends have not been inviting me when they meet up for 2x already this past months. Actually, I'm thinking of confronting them about it. This is the second time that I have felt left out by them, the first one was 2 years ago. I'm contemplating whether to continue my relationship with them.
@@letticebuere2096 Confronting them will give them a more reason to get rid of you. What if you were to get your job interview? You wouldn't want to ask them why they didn't hire you. Same as with them. Part of making friends is supposed to give a good impression. It is like an elevator pitch. If you cannot impress them, you don't earn your spot with them. They could end up giving answers you don't want to hear. It is possible that they did not want you but just didn't know how to tell you. That is why you are excluded. Once you tell them, that is when they find flaws in you. They had history of not inviting you 2 years ago and then they don't give you an invitation for the past months. If you confront them, they would already report you as a stalker. Questioning them would show that you act too entitled and they will have a power to claim you stalked them. Trust me, I have done that in middle school in the 90s. Whenever you hang out with someone without their consent, they can have a power to claim you are a creepy stalker. To gain their respect, just disappear. Do not continue hanging out with them because once they sense that you cannot handle solitude life, you would be out.
During your reflecting time, you did not find out why. Here is the reason. You got to at least act like you are happy with solitude life. If you cannot get used to solitude life, you cannot make friends. You must not view them as friends because you have not gone through the process of making a good impression on them yet. Part of making a good impression is not to give an impression that you feel lonely in solitude. If they know how lonely you feel, you would be kicked out. They are the type of people who has not accept you; therefore, you got to leave them alone. If they view you as their friend, they would already reach out to you long time ago. If you call them friends now, you will be living a lie. You also cannot contact them nor hang out with them because they can report you as a creepy stalker. So if you aren't invited, just cut them out of your life.
@@letticebuere2096 I’ve been going through a similar situation the past month and a half as well. My friends haven’t invited me to their past hangouts for unknown reasons. Although one of them was a fair and the reason was bc I probably would’ve said no bc I find fairs boring but still would’ve liked an invite to know I’m not left out and forgotten. But as for dinner, bar, and concert I was angry and sad cuz I felt forgotten and left out. I want to confront them about this but am scared to start an argument/fight, knowing a truth that would hurt my feelings even more, etc.
@@letticebuere2096keep your dignity and send them packing. Nothing like a good slow ghosting and letting it fade away. I recently went through this and figured it wasn’t me it was them that needed to go. I would get invited on trips very last minute if at all and if o went I got ignored by my ex-friends and their new friends so luckily I always kept a plan b dealing with them. I feel relief just parting ways. No more passive aggressive narcissistic behaviors anymore from their side. If you can’t talk to them about your problems, they are NOT your friends!
I'm sorry but some people are mean and that's why we feel that way.. Women can be vicious I'm glad my kids are grown, Hated all that!!! They are so Cliquey and if they don't like your kid, your'e social life is doomed. But I wish I knew how to get out of my drama brain back then, it would have saved me alot of sadness and feeling like crap, I mostly felt bad for my kids.
My rule of thumb is don't take things personally. Thinking about these kinds of things takes up energy and stress. I would rather stay home watch TV or do soemthing else, plus hanging out involves $$$$. I love being left out! Money is more important and will always be, sorry but that's the reality to survive in this world. Money talks, people walk.
@Billy McCatty Powell A thousand dollars for sure since not everyone is happy in a relationship and how many divorces I’ve seen happen. Also having kids is a big responsibility that I do not want to deal with.
I feel left out like my group 😢 they used to like me so much they include me they didn’t include me this time no I feel like they added others except me
Please do a video on being afraid of asking for what you want. There is an anxiety that comes with saying how you really feel.
I find it hard to trust other people when it come to family and friends as I have a low confident
That isn't going to be an appropriate reason. These things of asking what you want is supposed to be when you are going to stand up for yourself. Not for forcing others to like you. What if you were to go on a job interview? It wouldn't be appropriate to ask them to just give you a job. Feeling left out is not a good reason to tell them you want in because that is like you wanting someone to teach you how to act too entitled. You can't force others to like you. Asking what you want is only meant to stand up for yourself in a heated argument but not to force things to go your way.
I could have used video this years ago! I luckily have gotten perspective over the years. Very good advice!
what if i'm being intentionally left out/excluded, then how to handle such situation?
If they leave you out, leave them alone. Forget about them. If you keep joining without their consent, you will be the most annoying person in a group. Don't join when you know they don't give you permission. What kind of purpose are you even going to gain for joining them? You will only get more misery even if you join them. People also complained that despite them being part of a group, they still feel lonely. That is exactly how you will feel if you join them. All you get is misery. This is not a time to fix them. There is no point being their doormat just to fit in.
Thank you for this. It’s really helped me see a recent ‘rejection’ in a whole different way. It’s also helped me reflect and understand why I don’t want to invite one particular friend on a group holiday for my 40th birthday, even though I love her very much. I felt so guilty before, yet now I have to confidence to talk about this with her if it comes up.
✌🏻I’m a lone wolf🐺 by choice.✊🏻
🧡💛🧡Have a Blessed Thanksgiving🙏
I agree we need to look at ourselves but this video isn't helpful if it's just a one sided point of view a bit pointless.
My experience is there is a time, reason and a season for everything including relationships.
I’ve found that relationships come into my life for one of three purposes… 1.) A Reason - we are to help each other for a specific reason. Maybe it’s to accomplish a goal together, complete a project together, help each other thru a specific event… once this Reason is accomplished the relationship changes. 2.) A Season…people come into our lives for a specific season… could be a month, a year or decades. When that season is complete the relationship changes. 3.) A lifetime… some people come into our life and remain forever.
We never know if they are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. So for me I treat all like they are in my life for a lifetime all the while realizing very few are and let go of them gracefully knowing there will be more coming my way.
Scott Shireman absolutely awesome way of thinking 🤔 & thank you 😊
There are friends I always have to call or text if I want to stay in touch with them. They never call or text me first. I have friends that want to spend time with me, but only if it's in a way that's convenient for them. I have to always go to their house or meet them somewhere out of my way, they won't come to my house. I have friends that have told me that we were going to make plans and they never make the effort to follow through. These things do make me feel like I'm not important and forgotten about. I'm to the point where I'm tired of going out of my way for them, when they don't ever sacrifice their time for me. I understand that I work less and don't have a family, but my time and efforts are not worth less than their is, in my opinion.
I feel like this too
I can Relate to what you say but don’t let them ‘dull your sparkle’
You have to be a Good friend first before you can have good friends,but if you always put the effort in and it isn’t ever reciprocated you have to set boundaries and find new friends etc.Not always easy i know!!As long as you don’t reject yourself thats the main thing,its what you whisper to yourself thats important not what people say about you
peace🕊
Part of making friends is like an elevator pitch. Think about this. You work so in the past, what happened when you went in the job interview? You wouldn't want to ask them why they didn't hire you. Same as with the friends group. You got to know how to give an impression. You can't rush and claim that they are your friends if they don't even show you 1 sign of giving you permission to hang out; therefore, you cannot just go around calling or texting without that years of bondage. When there is no bondage, rule #1 is not to ever call or text them. When you call or text them, you will be wasting their time because you did not wait for them to accept you. They will automatically see you as a lonely stalker. Real friends don't use hang out time in order to use them. If they are using you, they are your fake friends. You got to be able to be ok with solitude life in order to gain attraction of other people. You cannot hang out with people and expect anything in return. That would be acting too entitled. If they aren't returning favors, that is how you know that you must cut them out of your life. Don't waste time with people who doesn't want you in their lives. You will create enemies and you will end up living a lie pretending to have friends.
I've always been an outcast I don't know what it is that I do that keeps overlooked and on the outside but it's almost killed me once and I'm worried that it will drive me into that depression again one day
As hard as it is (esp as a HSP), the best thing to do is focus on the people that love you and reciprocate the kind of energy you give, as opposed to the people who do not, because it is exhausting and will make it almost impossible to overcome feelings of unlovability or unworthiness if you don't. I am learning to stop chasing after relationships- whether family or friends- as I noticed this reoccurring pattern in my life. Go where the energy is reciprocated, period. And if there is a certain type of relationship/friendship you want in your life, be that friend to others and ask/pray/believe for that to come into your life ❤️.
My daughter's cousins dont invite her to anything or hang with her me as a mom I feel bad
Best to leave your daughter's cousin alone. You cannot force your nephew or niece to hang out with your daughter. For you to be the aunty, just teach your daughter to be ok with solitude life. The worst idea is to teach your kids to be entitled. The longer you teach your kids to be ok with solitude life knowing that she still have you, then you will not feel bad. It takes self-discipline to detach. The more you learn to detach, you will heal from this and won't feel bad for her.
Perfect timing me to hear this I thought I only experienced this feeling of hurt by being left out and making up stories of why I was left out.
This is how I feel through family gatherings. Since I don't interact with them, they all look for my sister when both of us don't attend a gathering and my sister would brag about it and intentionally let me hear that everyone else is looking for her. Since I was always the quiet type, the one who doesn't drink and socialize, I was left out. It's like my sister is a complete different being when in there. I know it's not her fault to invite me over when she's with our cousins but maybe I wanted to feel like she actually cared. No one in my family would even remember me on my birthday. They would just remember me when they want something from me, after that, I'm back to being invisible.
Me also. Feel for you.
This is why I try to stay away from Facebook it can be bad for me!
I have a daughter in law who has shunned me for 24 years and my son pretty much just goes along with it to keep peace. It cuts deep!
“A son is a son ‘til he takes him a wife;
but a daughter’s a daughter for all of her life.”
This is going to apply to me in a few days when Im not allowed into cafes, bars cinemas etc because of the new segregation mandates.
I'm not sure where you are or what's going on, but government-sanctioned societal exclusion of certain types of people is ostracization on a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL, a whole different kind of pain. How awful. 😢
This wasn't a good video for me to watch. You spent SO much time looking at a couple of different angles and essentially ignored the fact that sometimes it's NOT all on you, sometimes you ARE left out or rejected. Because of the crappy childhood, I had I became very big on honesty and self-ownership, I own up to my flaws and question where I stand... I think your video comes across as a sort of victim-blaming to people who are actually being rejected and you rejected even addressing that.
I would rather you have dealt with the reality that you were not wanted.Then trying to make excuses for them .This did not help me deal with the awful feeling of being leftout or snubbed
One thing is people inviting you like the example in this video, other thing is people talking about hanging out in front of you, and when you ask what is about they make sure to answer clearly this is something you won't be invited to.
Sometimes is not in our heads.
These type of people are the type who cannot make up their minds. If they disown you, they are not your friends. If they invite you, they have to mean it. If part of them want to take back. If they invite you, you need to make sure they are 100% willing to give up their busy schedule. There is no such excuse for them to defend their busy schedule. It is either they want to hang out with you or they don't. That is why if you are desperate to join, this is exactly how they use this against you. If they back down and they know you are desperate, this is how they know they get away treating you like a trophy. If they invite you, make sure not to say yes immediately. You got to make sure they are not inviting you just to bully you. You got to make sure they see value in you and making sure they don't abandon you. If they invite you, make sure they mean it and make sure they are not there to play hard to get. If they invite others in front of you, act like you have something better to do. Trick is don't invite yourself. If these people like to play hard to get, act like you are not interested because they are looking for someone who has a weak mind. They plan to rub it in your face so if you say yes way too easily, they wanted to take credit on rejecting you. Don't play their games. Walking away is your power because all they want to do is give false hope. Acting like you love solitude life is how you beat them at their own games.
So your relatable example of being left out is that this friend that you haven't seen in weeks does invite you to an event the first moment you talk to eachother? That's not being left out, that's being included despite being distant. The two aren't similar at all.
Yes. Not similar and does not fit the theme. I mean if a person is acting too ungrateful after that partner does all these work, then that person is just going to complain and claim other side is greener. I mean if this person complains after getting included, then this person is just not learning to be happy after being included. If being bullied, then it is understandable but distancing is not a reason. Examples will be like this. If supposed I invite you and you came, it is up to you to make that trip count. I may give it my best to make that hang out a happy experience but if you feel left out, there may be nothing I can do about that. So in a situation like this, just don't expect partners to hold your hands while doing this hang out activity. So it is up to us to take care of ourselves after agreeing to join.
Julia, how do I feel being left out. It is a real struggle for me. Whenever I go visit my daughter-in-law and she does not speak to me for the time I am visiting it really make me feel left out. When I get there I will give her a hug. Tell her it’s nice to see you or how was your day? I get the one word response. After a while I just freeze up and literally cannot find anything to start up a conversation. I love her, I really try to accept her as an introvert. I know is is a kind person, I know she is an old soul with wisdom. I watch her talk to my grand-daughter at the dinner table but they won’t engage in a conversation with me. We do live 7 hours apart. I did go to Florida for 14 years in the winter time so was not there to bond with them for months. I would go to see them in the summertime. I have a lot of love to offer but it just seems like they are not interested including me at all and it hurts. What can I do.
Thank you for this video, Julia.
For me it's very timely. By that I mean mine and my brother's dad is going to spend Thanksgiving with our older sister and her family in the Reno/Truckee area while my brother and I are left alone to spend Thanksgiving as just the 2 of us. The entire family dynamic is a whole other topic I can get to another time.
Sucks when it's family, and you are the obvious third wheel. I don't think your advice involves helpful strategies. And they sound like sucky friends if they don't take the good with the bad - sounds like you are justifying shallow "feel light & bubbly" relationships.
She is talking about causal friendships...
Julia Christina cancelling. Thank you for sharing this video on being left out or feeling left out your videos are very good advice and helpful I can relate to the topic 👍😔
I know this is a late comment but I was on Roblox and I was on a roplay game and I asked can I join so they said yes but then they said no you don’t get to join then I kept asking and I was the only one out of the 20 ppl to be kicked out and as it was little it was hurtful and I started crying for no reason and I just breathed in and out it happend like 1 minute ago btw
If the answer of feeling left out is that i m an introvert or they all match vibes then why is this life so hard for me why i have to put an extra effort for even a small thing, thay are also humans but they dont feel left out most of the times, why are they extrovert
Feeling left out is definitely in the top 3 WORST FEELINGS ever and when u see some1 talking to your best friend it makes u feel horrible
I do prefer being a lone wolf but not being left and feeling unaccepted.
Julia, you do NOT have to fix yourself. Your response was normal. People suck. It is not what a person says or does, but who says and does. Here is the "fix". Boundaries to everything. If events work out where you are treated just like every one else, good. But if you are plan B, C, or D, with no hope of upgrade (good luck with that as people have the attention span of a moth), reject the invitation.
Well, I’m friendly and conversational and I put people at ease but friend groups form all around me and I’m just there - on the sidelines. The people that enjoy my ear don’t consider me to be worthy of their time outside of work. Meanwhile everyone else finds time for the odd conversation or get-together on weekends, etc. I don’t get it. I’m not even an introvert which I recognize can be a barrier for many.
As this is a ‘thing’ I’ve seen from time to time growing up, perhaps it’s me but it’s also who I chose to associate with. For whatever reason I surround myself by fun, immature and selfish people so I suppose I shouldn’t expect much.
That just means it is a sign you should not be too friendly. You are friendly where you are decent, easy to get along with. Not friendly to a point where you give them power to control you. That is still making you a good coworker. You don't need to hang out with them to feel important. What makes you a good coworker is because you listened to them, help them out and get along with them but it doesn't mean you have to go out with them. You don't have to party with them. You don't have to be invited to each other's houses. I can be friendly too but I still don't let that bother me. I see many other people is able to go out on dates, go on honeymoons. I still don't investigate the reason. I still don't compete. I can still enjoy my solitude life. That example is you cannot expect to have friends even if you work well with them. Even if they have been your partner at work does not mean they have to be part of your life outside of work. If they are immature and selfish, I don't bother with them and you should not either. Being friendly also does not mean you have to babysit them and it don't mean you have to give them attention. See how I don't show signs of being desperate. I can still be friendly to them and expect nothing in return.
At the beginning of quarantine I got together outside with my old friend from when I was younger she became my best friend. We would talk and play online games for hours. Then when we finally got back into school she found another friend and eventually it was always her and her friend. And she said it was a “friend group” but no it was always her and her friend I always tried to come in the conversation but they just stared at me and got back into their conversation. And at this time I was only in 5th grade and only 10 years old. And god I felt so alone there was this other girl in our “friend group” who was left out also. I told that girl about them and she felt that way also. Eventually my “best friend” and her new friend got into a fight cause her new friend said something she shouldn’t have said to someone else. And then my “best friend” was very mad. My best friends friend became best friends with one of my friends and apparently that girl started talking crap about my “best friend” and my “best friend” started talking crap about her. Then the next week they became friends again and it went back to how it was. Then I realized how terrible those two people were and how bad of a friend they are. I’m in the next grade now and I got a best friend now and she has made me the happiest person I’ve been for a while. I’m not friends with either of them now besides the other girl that was left out also. But she’s still “friends” with those two but I see her walking alone with the other two and the girl thats left out’ sister. And I feel so bad that I yelled at my old best friend and told her how terrible she is. My old best friend and her friend are now really rude and act as if they rule the world. And now I’m so glad I don’t talk to them anymore. :) thanks for reading I typed a lot.
I resonate with others comments about gaslighting self or thinking it’s me all the time - fixing self adjusting - for a person who is mostly adapted and trying to ask for what they need and trying to feel self power - not sure I want to shapeshift to accommodate others. I’m working more towards solitude and enjoying it. Rather than being lonely with many friends.
I dont think im being left out im simple being left out
I just feel left out around my family I just can't be my self I hate it and they are sulfish and disgusting I just want an other family name I think they hate me and I am only pushing it I guess I will stop doing that I hate it when I am not important around my family than I am around my friends and strangers it's a horrible feeling I wish I can change this
Rejection is God’s protection remember that!
I have who I though were my friends didn’t invite me or at least tell me. I feel hurt and idk maybe I did something wrong. It’s really painful right now. Idk what to do
I need to be apart of my grandson's life.... I have very little opportunity to be apart of his life and growing up years
Look at that spelling. You are saying you need to be separated from your grandson. Correct way is you need to be a part of your grandson's life. A Part of your grandson's life is 2 words. Apart means separated. If you say apart, you will need an explanation on why you need to be separated from your grandson. Like any explanation on why you don't see yourself as a good grandparent? A part means part of someone's life. Apart means separated.
Can you believe this has happened so much in my life and as strong as I’ve become over time at 67 it still pings in my heart but it doesn’t define me.
Mean people suck.
Fr
I can relate to this so much. I feel left out quite often.
3+ years of citywide shun... I'm at my end
It’s not unreasonable for them to not want to take your more intense emotions on, but I’d say it’s a bit cowardly and surface level. That’s why those people fall away, vibrational mismatches. Intensity isn’t bad.
As a black woman we feel this on a daily I’m looking to heal
I used to feel left out of my family events in fact I was left out.....now i leave myself out . They are toxic...im not ...
I am with you. Once you are being mistreated, you are going to want to be left out. Chances are, other people gets a free pass while if I do that same thing, they blame me. I know I am an easy target to be picked on. Many of them would hate to admit their flaws so that is why this thing can go on and on where I leave myself out of this while they try to convince me to join without them putting an effort to humble themselves. Family members do not know how to impress. So it sounds like your family will only view you as toxic all because you defend your solitude life. In reality, we cannot be held responsible as being toxic just because we mind our own business. Those that are entitled make up the rules and claim we are in relationship for control. I would be like how is wanting to be left alone considered attempting to be in relationship for control.
I’m feeling left out of the shift group.., lol. Can’t wait to join in again some time soon… I got so much more to bring and share!
Come back ANYTIME Kathryn. We miss you! And definitely feel the gap that you left.
@@juliakristinamah awwww… I’m planning on it! Missing you and the team there also! It’s definitely account for many of my big shifts. I’m ready to make a ripple now!
It’s not that their jerks they just genially don’t think of me when they invite. I have good conversations when I talk to them. I’m just a quite guy so I get it I guess
Being friendly towards you is good enough. There is no rules stating that friends needs to invite friends for anything. When they invite you, it is their gift to you. This is same as Xmas. You don't ask for presents. You receive it. If you ask, you are only inviting yourself. Receiving gifts is something you earn when you least expected. There should not be any rush for them. Remember that they don't owe you anything to begin with. They see you as their associates. So a good conversations with them don't automatically make them your friends. This is same as when I speak to my crush. I don't expect her to go out on a date with me because she barely knows me. They don't owe me hangouts. So in your position, the people you interact with are decent people and they don't have to prove anything. If I were in your position, I would rather just contact them for important things and be willing to walk away as soon as there is nothing else to say. That is a whole point of having good conversations. There is no requirement to be friends with them or bond with them no matter how friendly the conversation is.
if youre not one of the first on thoughts when it comes to invites or wanting to hang out and that they demonstrated less signs that they are less connected to you compared to their other friends then what is the point of making an effort of being around them as friends? whats the point of calling them your friends ? they are more like “ pleasant acquaintances rather than friends”
Agreed
Thank you for this video! Should you apply the same way of thinking when you feel that people you’re already with are excluding you?
Like when people are sharing a memory or an inside joke you aren’t a part of? 😟 I relate to that.
If they leave you out, leave them alone! I just let got of a friend of 8 years. When he gets around his other friends I’m literally left out or invited last minute. He recently started hanging with another group of friends that don’t like me because of jealousy on their part and started leaving me out. I just left it where it is and let them be. I removed myself from the fold and started ignoring their lame empathy invitations and left them on read! They recently invited me last minute to the beach and ignored me. After an hour and a half I realized that my ex-friend was pleasing his new group of friends and ignoring me. I don’t complain but took them back to Los Angeles with me and he complained about the entire trip. I just don’t and won’t invest time into fake people!
How did you even get a power to take them back to Los Angeles in the 1st place. Remember you said they leave you out which means it should not be your job to take them anywhere. It should be their job to arrange their own ride home. If they leave you out, you don't even need to drive them anywhere and you don't need to pick them up. What you could of done in order for them not to have an excuse to blame you is say sorry I am busy. You could of say sorry I did not know you went. You could of let them get back on their own. If mean if you never traveled with them, it isn't your job to give them a ride. Having you to giving them a ride is what will enable them to complain about their entire trip. Deep down they felt miserable without you but choose not to admit it. If you don't pick them up, they will have no one to blame but themselves. Picking them up and taking them to LA should not be something you should do. Don't be a people pleaser. The minute they don't invite you, do not bother seeing them. Cut them out of your life. You only take them to LA only if they were your travelling partner which you weren't.
I don't know who it may help but
I am suffering through the same things since 20 f****ng years, I've always been everyone's last choice in everything throughout my life. I've tried to figure out stuff that made this happen, tried to analyse myself, tried all the ways that were in my hands(do try things which are in your hands)
But if you have tried everything from your side and still to no avail, just keep this in mind, just remember that we alll don't always get everything we want, there are some things which we will have to live with it the way they are, YOU WILL NEED TO ACCEPT THAT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.... remember me ITSSSS NOTT YOUR FAULTT.... IT'S JUST NOT IN YOUR FATEE
Just acknowledge the things you have
Be confident about yourself coz again it's not your fault....
If it is in your fate you'll definitely get it, else you won't regardless your exteme efforts
But yes I promise you everything will find it's way in the end, believe me
My mom and my brother, her favorite clone for her father, had fun my entire youth leaving me out, making me feel second best. I am happy to say that I married and moved away from this sickness, but the very thought, feeling, of being in that same situation makes me sick. I guess the residual effect of this experience is that I don't want to need people; and don't depend on them for warmth and security. And, I'm not really surprised when people aren't reliable. In someway this makes for a very lonely life but its only a part of who I am. The rest of me has found other non-toxic people, made my own family, and escaped the past.
what if they do it like everytime?do i have take back and introspect everytime? or like move on?
Feeling like this rn. I like to be by myself most of the time, but when i see my friends hanging out and posting pictures on Instagram, a tiny bit of me starts to feel lonely
Remember be strong. You already convinced yourself that you are comfortable being by yourself. If you feel lonely for choosing solitude life, that is like you broke your own promise. If you feel lonely, that is like you felt regret for choosing a solitude life. Once you choose solitude life, you commit to it with no regret. That is part of being strong. When you see them posting pictures, they are like tempting you to doubt yourself. You just have to remind yourself to be strong and don't fall for that temptation. So get off social media. Don't even bother looking at their activities. Block them if you have to.
That makes sense Julia, most of those negative thoughts in that case will be the products of misinterpreting some vital facts which more likely be fuelled by the inclination behavior of being self centered, and not taking on board the circumstances that let the other person acting in that manner in that particular situation, good job, Thanks you
Exactly. Glad it connected.
Facebook has made me feel pretty bad about myself. ..
Best video yet, for me. I’ll be watching this again and again until it is programmed into my sub consciousness ( brilliant and can relate to that similar negative thinking)
Well I always thought being alone was terrible but I realized being in the presence of people I can’t stand is worse
As you get older, you understand it better to a point where you know how to detach. Once you know how to take care of yourself, you don't need them. If they want to convince you, they need to be the one earning your respect. Other people can make up stories about you being shy all they want because deep down, they don't want to admit their wrongdoings of mistreating you. In reality, those type of people do not know how to impress. They would attempt to change the story where you are the villain. If they keep doing that, that is why you are the type of person that prefers solitude life. Other people who mistreated you would have a hard time admitting flaws. Overall, the only reason why they want you around is to be in relationship for control.
How can i complain when my own self has left me out
I have a friend to whom I'm very good terms with.
Today our friendship pass 3 and half year.
I really adore my friendship with her.
But as new people came, she got sway to them.
Her all preferences are them not me now.
The things we do as friends but now she is doing with them.
She looks so happy with them.
She adore them more than me.
I just once complain her when I start feeling this all then things were not same like before.
Now I'm always left out.
I mentally suffer with them.
I feel like it's a torture to me.
Hey so I’m kinda feel left out sometimes but I’m not sure if I’m like I hang out with these group of friends we would always joke around but I feel like they kinda got bored when I try to talk to one of them they just don’t really talk back but maybe it’s just me maybe I’m not talking enough can u give me advice