Why Isn't My Life Changing?
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- Опубликовано: 30 апр 2023
- Hello Everyone!
It's been awhile since I uploaded anything on social media. I've decided to just film a video and post about why that is. Its very chaotic, but I think it explains perfectly how my life has been. I've harbored a lot of guilt and anxiety since filming with Chris and it's honestly eating me alive. I have this weird feeling that I can't film anymore videos until my life changes. And yet, I have no idea how to do that. Does this mean I'm stuck forever?
I don't know what the answer is. All I know is that I DO want to change and I know that nothing will happen if I don't do something. So here is my first attempt at that something.
Thank you all again for all your support. Its truly helped me in my darkest moments and its what's motivated me for this video. I wish you all the best, and I love you all!!! :)
This was great! ❤😂 You're funny 😁
if all you have is 10%, then 10% is actually 100%. i appreciate your radical honesty.
Let it be all over the place. Don't apologize. We are here for you - your joy, your life, your love, your words, your message. We relate.
Another thing - you don't need the answers, the solutions, nothing. Your presence reminds us that what we are feeling is real and that this community is here. Little steps, baby steps. You are only one human, & you've been though a lot!
There are a million things you CAN do, you COULD do. This video is something you did do. Let it come, let it flow. but let it be at your own pace. I appreciate your vulnerability, your openness.
HOW ARE YOU IN MY HEAD???? Are you my fairy godmother??
No, but seriously, thank you for your words. These are things that I know and yet, seem to be reminded of constantly. This rush to just BE this person I want to be and just skip the moments of stress and struggle that it takes to get there. At the end of the day, I need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. I have so many strategies to avoid these situations that I now don’t have the tools to face them head on. I need to practice and develop the courage it takes to face my fears. And I can promise you this, I WILL get there!! With rants and choas, but I believe in myself 😤😤😤
And thank you for believing in me too ❤
Hey, I saw your interview and was moved by your experience. I'm dealing with my own past lately and how it affects my day to day. I hear you saying a lot of things that sound like you're being very hard on yourself. I can't speak to your experience but it seems like you're still in the process and it's a very intensive process for anyone who is going through a journey of healing. You don't have to help others if you don't have the bandwidth to do so, and that's nothing at all to feel bad about! It was helpful for me to even see you being vulnerable and sharing your experiences and describing a lot of feelings that are very similar to ones I have had for most of my adult life. I think that you shouldn't discount the value of just telling your story and going through your process on your own terms.
I know this isn't SUPER applicable but a saying I really like: You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep anybody else warm. Or another: you can't pour from an empty cup. If you are at the point in your journey where all you have the capacity for is working on your own stuff, that isn't bad or selfish or wrong and you're not hurting anyone else by focusing on yourself, your safety, and your peace of mind.
Sending hugs and well wishes and I applaud how brave you are to confront the things that are challenging you.
Gosh, it’s like all of you have this key to my brain and are just pouring all the words I need to hear. Even though it’s taking me a month to read them all, I’m sorry 😭😭😭
but you’re absolutely right. I think I forget that I can just…exist. I don’t know why I’m expecting to be this big RUclipsr with all these edits and cuts and fancy screens. Maybe because it’s what I want to do? Per my first two RUclips videos doing a clothing haul lol, I do genuinely enjoy editing. But I also should beat myself up for not having the time, or memory space, to do so.
I also think that you guys don’t enjoy my ranting videos. So again, I have a lot of anxiety that my videos aren’t “good” enough. More stuff I have to work through, because clearly that doesn’t seem to be the case! Thank you for taking the time to comment and remind little ole me to just take a deep breath, and focus on getting my things in order.
Also! I really like the fire analogy. That really resonated, maybe because I probably would put endanger myself for the extent of someone’s well being. I’ll be sure to use that from now on
Great content!
I do the exact same thing!!! It's so hard.
I feel like this video is for me. I feel like I am in the same situation as her.
I also struggle to wake up early and do simple tasks. I always fail my exams. I always tell my self that I want to change but I always fall into my bad habits. And I can't just get rid of them. I lack structure. I want to change but i can't. I also feel stuck and I feel like I am procrastinating my whole life away. Going late to bed. At least I am not alone. I feel so misrable it goes onto my selfesteem. And feel like I am so weak. I always fall into this awful vicious cycle.
Me too
God, am I still there. Right now, all I’ve done to get myself out of that cycle was asking for help. Is that going to work? I don’t know. But I’ll be sure to document every step I take in the hopes that whatever works for me will hopefully work for someone else. And that in the process you know that you’re not alone and that with time, change can happen ❤
Ah swweeetttiieee!!! I also have c-ptsd and I'm your age and I feel exactly like you!!
You're amazing!
I sometimes feel like dying because what's the point of it all, but I have realized it's just about seeing what will happen. The society will change, the reality will change, we will change. We don't need to change, we can just watch it all changing.
There is nowhere to go.
In a way I struggle sooo much more than many people, but I feel like there is a depth in me that whatever happens in the world, I just can sit back and watch. I feel there is deeper meaning in everything.
I also don't have any tips how to get better, but part of me has realized that it doesn't even matter.. it's all much mystical than we understand.
Sending you so much love and just want to tell that I am very similar to you in many ways and I can see that you are so great and so enough. 🧡
You said exactly what I experience every single day. And that’s the problem with change, you know it’s going to happen and that it’s inevitable. In a way, when I watch others it feels like their change happens so quickly where as mine seems to be taking years for even an inch of growth.
I too don’t have any solutions. I’m not a spiritual person, but I definitely feel as if life isn’t a rigid as people make it out to be. Life is complex yet simple at the same time. Nothing matters meaning everything matters. It’s a delicate balance to walk between, and I’m still learning how to stabilize myself. I’ve been in the negative side for a long time but I know it’s just a mindset.
Thank you for your support and taking the time to comment. Sending all my love back and wishing you all the very best in your journey!! 🤍🤍
Omg, I can relate so much.....
Hi, I watched Chris' video and I started to follow you because of similar events in my life. You sharing your experience is helpful even if you don't know what you're doing. I tried to gain access to the serve but I was unable to. I have been going to therapy for PTSD doing PE therapy and it has been challenging to say the least. Self love is soo hard when your childhood shamed and traumatized you haha. I currently feel stuck as well even when making progress the pit in my stomach is so big it feels like a never ending fall. I think you are very brave for sharing this and appreciate it. I am also in a relationship (with a great kind sweet person) that exposes how hurt and altered my perception of the world is. It all very hard, and we have been told to feel bad ourselves and this is such a big step to rejecting that engrained thought pattern. A big problem I struggle with is accepting/believing that people actually want to help me through those messy emotion, because I don't want to myself. I am also facing the potential to move back in with my abuser so yeah, scrambling. Anyway, haha I'm writing a lot too but we're not alone. I look forward to the community you are trying to cultivate and am on this healing journey along side you.
Hello! First, thank you so much for taking the time to comment! And thank you for sharing your story with me! You’re absolutely right, relearning self love is so incredibly hard. And during the toughest moments, I also find it hard to believe that the people around me actually want to put up with me and want to help. I hope that you’re able to solve the situation with your abuser, that’s always so complicated once they’re back in your life again :( And I updated the link for the discord server in my bio, so let me know if it works!! I would love for you to join :) And never apologize for writing too much!! I love reading comments, so the more the better!! Wishing you all the best 🤍🤍
You know what? I think too video journal is quite interesting. I (and I would say us survivors) spend so much of my time in my head with intrusive thoughts, memories and this annoying inner talk that never goes down. Few weeks ago I discovered that video journaling is a weird way to talk to myself, look at myself while spiraling. Thanks for sharing, you reminded me that I need to keep video journaling.
yes yes!! Everything you said! Honestly, as I get more comfortable talking to a camera, its practically turning into the conversations i already have in my head. I've already video journaled for myself in the past as a way to connect intense emotions I'm feeling. But these feel different. I don't know, it's like its forcing me to be more honest with myself. Anyways, I'm starting to ramble lol. Thank you for taking the time to comment!! Good luck with your video journals!!
Also what I got from your videos is that it's shame! All over the video is shame.
Same for me.
Let's look at the shame. Let it be. Accept it. Love it. 💛
Shame is my biggest enemy. I was raised with shame and it follows me everywhere. Acceptance and honesty is something I’m working on!! With time, I’ll get there! Shame in itself is not a bad thing. There is something to be learned from it!
hi papa, for the longest time I have felt so frustrated and annoyed with myself because like how do you talk about this stuff with people who probably dont get it and if they do 😅. I think you’re very brave, compassionate and caring to be sharing this on the internet and your willingness to help us. I think you are good person and good people have flaws and struggles and ask for help and you do all of that. although alot of us went through that stuff alone, this little digital cluster can help us go through it together. see ya in the chat!
Ahh thank you!!!! Honestly, I don’t even see myself as brave! I personally love to talk to anyone that will listen, but I won’t lie, it feels lonely. Even if people seem to “understand”, they truly don’t unless they’ve gone through similar experiences as me. It can feel isolating and sometimes, makes me feel like a little kid when I’m in stressful situations with people who don’t “get it”.
But honestly, I do these videos for people like you. And for myself. Thank you so much for your support. It really does comfort me to know I can just express myself and have at least ONE person not just listen, but hear what it is I’m saying. Have an amazing day and wishing you all the best 🤍❤️
Amazing video! Ps you would make great Asmr your voice is so relaxing 🤩
Ahhh thank you!! First time anyone’s ever said that 😁
Hi, I just want to say hello and hope that you get a chance to read this. I have watched your videos and I see the trend that you have so much guilt because you “can’t figure out your life” or “can’t change”. You have lots of obvious obstacles and challenges that have not allowed that “change” to happen. Not that my opinion matters at all, but I just wanted to say this from a place of love. I think you need to allow yourself some grace and forgiveness. It is NOT your fault that you are struggling even when you think you’re being “lazy” for not getting things done, for not waking up early, and not being a “good” person. You are not your mistakes or your past. Don’t let your anxiety and self-loathing disable you from seeing the strength within you that can bloom when you forgive yourself and surrender. I don’t know if you believe in God or a higher power but I can only speak from personal experience, when I allowed myself to surrender all my troubles and anxieties to God and saw myself at rock bottom I was able to let go of all those things that I thought I needed to be. These past two years have been the hardest ever but I now know that I don’t have to carry all those crosses alone, that Jesus paid the price for me up on the cross and He helps me through my suffering and troubles. I will keep you in my prayers and really hope you get to read this and maybe something resonated with you. Much love.
While I don’t believe in a higher power, I feel like you spoke directly to my heart. I’ve thought about your comment for weeks now. WEEKS!!!
You saw right through me. I can be just a pit of self hate sometimes. Its had time to fester within me from childhood up until today. It’s funny because that hatred is so real, and so deep, I can almost separate it and look at it, like it’s its own person. And you wanna know what it looks like? A child. A little child, who’s just angry at the world. Angry at herself. It makes me sad. It makes me want to hug this girl who rejected love like it was the plague.
I know for me to truly accept myself, I’m going to have to learn to love who I am. All of it, including that self loathe. I hope with comments like yours, I’m reminded that there’s strength within me and that if I can’t see it, there are others who believe that I can. Thank you, and bless you so much ❤️❤️ have an amazing rest of your week ☺️🥰
Me too.. wanting to change my life since 2018 but everything i tried hasnt worked so far 😢😅
I think as long as we keep trying, things will slowly get better. Like that metaphor of how we take little steps at a time, but when you look back, you realize how far you’ve walked. Cliché, but true. We got this!! 😤
Hey me too! I haven’t made any videos yet tho.
I JUST made a video!! Hahaha your turn 😈
Hey. Just checking on you. Have you been able to wake up earlier in the morning lately? Hugs
I haven’t 😔 although!!! I had a recent schedule change where I go into work 30 mins later. It’s only 30 mins but when I add that to the time I already wake up TECHNICALLY I’m waking up an hour earlier!! So, all that to say, moving forward I shall be waking up at 7, to leave work at 8 😌😌😌 no need to applaud, pshh it’s nothing lol
What's the discord server?
HELLO IM SORRY ITS TAKEN ME A MONTH IM A TERRIBLE PERSON ITS discord.com/invite/HNCBqxYJjk?fbclid=PAAaZ4BSE2cBEzZ36-bFkZXsJzOo0zm25IITJrKYb6GGpaNsO72nbb9zI_3II_aem_th_AaquFpffSfBruQipXK8aRgawWDsSv2A_jSJvEvzIzld4md5emMmkCGP4XA95bBtiZZc
Are you seeing a therapist and social worker. They might help you w goal setting
I’m not currently. I had the opportunity to meet with a therapist but I chose not to go last minute. Planning on getting on board again though!
have you tried transcendental meditation?
What is that, please explain.