As an abuse survivor myself your a big inspiration, and I relate to a lot of things your saying sometimes I hate myself, I can’t sleep, I eat poorly, all of that mess, and I would recommend professional help.
I see/hear you, truly understand all of that. It sucks. There is one thing I can encourage you with because I've been watching your videos for a bit and I'm going through similar things. >>>>You are healing and growing
Thank you as always for your words and support!!! It’s so easy to focus on how much I regress that I don’t appreciate enough the growth I’ve done. I KNOW that I’ve gotten better, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. I’m so happy I started documenting my journey, as these videos are my physical proof of the steps forward I’m taking. Wishing you the best in the journey too!! Rooting for us both 😤 And thank you!! Cartoon Network was a huge part of my childhood, miss those days 😭
@@rb1599STOP!! Me too!! Samurai jack and courage the cowardly dog were also some that I loved a lot. Ooo add the flinstones and the jetsons too. I loved all the classics, anything from the mid 90s to 2010 was always playing at my house! Luckily I had brothers 5 years younger than me so it kept me watching CN longer than I would’ve
your willingness to share the reality, the inertia, the self-sabotage, the dead-ends + brick walls of dealing with c-pstd -- esp the lack of motivation that comes with childhood SA -- is so affirming + meaningful. i relate to so many of your thoughts + descriptions of your life patterns, as i'm certain several others do as well. thank you for being willing to be vulnerable with folks on the internet, it's a lot more courageous (+ even helpful) than you may be aware of.
+ the meta self-awareness mixed with a lack of change in one's day-to-day life, esp after having a profound moment of clarity in your life + realizing... "this apathy shit does not work for me, i actually do need people + love at the end of the day" 😭 insane. you doing the lord's work fr.
the lil steps are the big steps. the lil awarenesses are the big awareness. each lil change creates the bigger change. like you've said, you're not who you were, nor do you see yourself going back to that. it's just frustrating being in that obscure in-between of survivalistic detachment to secure attachment. you're otw, even if you can't fully see it from your vantage point.
Wow, thank you for your words. It’s crazy to read what you said and summarize perfectly how I felt. To me, these feelings are all over the place and confusing. But when you list them like that, they make my feelings and thoughts feel real. I’m not sure if that makes sense 😅 But I’m so happy you’re able to relate to what I have to say!! It makes me feel less crazy and alone. This truly is such a frustrating journey that makes you question yourself and the world constantly. I have to remind myself that life isn’t linear, I have to be honest with myself, and that I can’t give up. It’s almost like a jenga tower. It such a tedious process to build and you have to be so meticulous and careful with which pieces you take away. But one wrong move and it all tumbles down and you have to start all over again. I don’t want to start again. I liked that you called it a dead end. That’s such a good perspective, as you just turn around and go another way. A dead end doesn’t mean a full stop. Sorry for the rambling!! Thank you so much for your comments, again, it means so much. I wish you all the best in your journey, you got this 😤😤
Stay strong. And it's going to get better. It's a process. Keep searching for free clinics they have connections to therapy. But you are not alone. It's very brave of you to make a video of what a lot of us keep to ourselves. Thanks keep looking towards the future.
Thank you so much for you comment!! I hadn’t considered looking into free clinics, I’ll definitely do that this week! It’s been a tough journey, but your support really helps me with the process 🥺❤️ thank you, truly! Have an amazing week!!!
I'm a student in his twenties living in Paris so my situation is different : I get to see my psychiatrist once a month, see my family doctor as needed and for emergencies can get an appointment at my family doctor or can go to a psychiatric ER and all of that for free. Though, I have to work to pay for psychotherapy, I found a great psychologist and see her twice a month. So I don't know how it's like to not be able to access healthcare even if you're aware you need help and are looking for it. Still, there's something else I can talk about. As RB said you seem really self aware of your symptoms and behaviors and are looking for ways to change and that's huge. You're not on autopilot anymore and that's a really hard step I think, one many never reach unfortunately, even if we're not talking about psychiatric disorders but just everyday life. I had to go to the ER last week and it was the first time I had a long talk with professionals about possibly having complex PTSD (my current diagnosis has been MDD for 8 months, which I also 100% have). Two of the things the nurse said that really stick with me are : - I am really self aware and that's a huge strength (coming back to what RB and I think about you) - Treatment is like climbing a mountain. It's hard, you often can't see you're making progress but eventually we'll get to a point where we're not just surviving but truly living I think you're also getting aware that it's not gonna go away without work because at one point you reach a lifestone and that's also important. The only practical things I can recommend is to get your hand on "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker (there's an audio book, I find it easier to follow personally) and maybe watch "Recognizing and Understanding Complex PTSD" by McLean hospital on RUclips. They're not replacement for treatment, but psychoeducation is really important and can help us go a long way. Most importantly, remember you're not alone and there is hope for us. With love from Paris ❤
Thank you so so much for your suggestions!! I watched the RUclips video and it was so eye opening, and really reassuring that this diagnosis is real and it has real lasting and chronic effects on me. I also have that book that you recommended!! I just haven’t read past the first chapter 😅 but I flip through sections from time to time. I’m also really happy to hear that you’re able to get services in Paris!! Healthcare in the US is so complicated. I can get insurance through my job, but it would cost me $500 a month from my paycheck, and the benefits aren’t even worth it. And every single job has different insurance policies (if they even offer it). And getting insurance without a job??? Forget about it, it’s too expensive. Just have to depend on my young genes to keep my health strong. You are right about my self awareness. It’s a stage I’ve reached and I can never really go back to who I was before that. When I’m in a really low spot, it’s so easy get caught up in what I’m NOT doing that I don’t see the progress I’ve made. And then I’m back to a good mood and I’m able to analyze. Ahhh, it’s so annoying 😩 I’m rambling, but thank you. Y’all’s comments is what helps me stay sane and realize it’s going to be okay and I can get through it. So thank you again!!! I also hope your visit to the ER wasn’t too long and you’re feeling much better! ☺️❤️ wishing you the best in your journey!
I'm glad the video helped! I often feel like I should be able to deal with all of it or like I'm exaggerating despite meeting all symptoms criteria (no official diagnosis yet but the ER nurse and psychiatrist were encouraging) so it's good to have that ressource to come back to. I also forgot to say the psychiatric nurse mentioned that being able to express oneself in addition to self awareness is really important. Maybe at times you feel like you're just rambling, but you're able to get your point across and that's the most important 👍🏾 Things definitely aren't perfect in France and Europe overall but every time I think about the USA healthcare situation I just find it mind boggling. It's like everybody knows there's a solution that gets people better care and costs less to both individuals and society and yeah no let's not do it... Still, I really hope you find a way to get help despite the mess that system is. I totally relate to what you said about being in a low spot. It's a weird feeling both during and after a crisis for me. Logic wise, I 100% know what's going on and why but feeling wise it's a big mix of pain, confusion and hopelessness about the present and the future. As you said it's super annoying and for me the worst is how it affects relationships and interactions with others. I just realized I'm more prone to get in crisis with people I'm attracted to, which I hate because obviously showing the worst part of yourself to your person of interest often ruins things. I also feel like I have no baseline for how human relationships work or should be despite being described as a huge extrovert by others, so I'm often left confused and blame myself heavily whenever I feel like something has gone wrong ugh 😩 Anyways, as you can see you're not the only one rambling 😅 Your videos also really help. Listening to you, I just feel less alone and it helps me fuel that light of hope inside me during difficult times so thank you very much ❤️
I get it!! It’s such a struggle fighting between knowing you have difficulty with things and beating yourself up for not being able to handle it. It’s unfortunate that healthcare, just like education, is about business and not about social service. That’s the main reason and it’s so freaking frustrating!! People’s lives are just numbers, so it’s all about the numbers and not about the individual. I hate it, but hopefully things will change as younger people start taking over these jobs. Just praying they make a change and don’t continue the system. And ramble away!! I relate so much to everything you’re saying. I didn’t grow up withing a healthy household, and it wasn’t until I was 20 that I started having healthy relationships, whether platonic or romantic. I’ve struggled immensely in both, and now with 27 years of experience, it’s still incredibly hard. I have to remind myself that my awareness began at a much later stage than my peers, and my development throughout my childhood wasn’t healthy. Like you said, if I hadn’t become self aware, I wouldn’t been trapped in my childlike mindset. Now, it’s a conscious effort to not return to that part and to be active in my life. It’s so hard!!! But genuinely, comments like yours really do help me a lot. No one in my life, while they may relate or understand, actually goes through what I do. And my mind just went “not that what I go through is hard”. But, it is hard. It’s hard for me. Why can’t I accept that? Why do I feel like my symptoms can so easily be solved? Everyday I ask that. And everyday I try a little more. Again, I’m extremely happy to hear the support and services you have!! That is amazing, and I hope to hear more about your progress in the future! Thanks again for your comment ☺️enjoy your weekend ❤️
I get free therapy through medical, it's free. If there is a womans shelter around you please go there!! You will get a social worker and they can usually provide free limited therapy. They will also connect you to a lot of resources. Thats how I found my current therapist. I am doing therapy like EMDR and have done PE too, it sucked tbh. I will say you are very self aware and being kind to ourselves is one of the hardest parts of healing. Good luck
This a great idea, I haven’t even considered looking into a women’s shelter. My biggest struggle funny enough IS my self awareness. I’m over conscious of everything I do that it makes it so easy to focus on my negatives. I’ve heard a lot about EMDR and PE, I’m very open to trying out anything!! Just have to get that therapist first 😅 thank you so much for your comment and I’m wishing you all the best in your journey!! All the best of luck ❤
As an abuse survivor myself your a big inspiration, and I relate to a lot of things your saying sometimes I hate myself, I can’t sleep, I eat poorly, all of that mess, and I would recommend professional help.
I see/hear you, truly understand all of that. It sucks. There is one thing I can encourage you with because I've been watching your videos for a bit and I'm going through similar things.
>>>>You are healing and growing
Thank you as always for your words and support!!! It’s so easy to focus on how much I regress that I don’t appreciate enough the growth I’ve done. I KNOW that I’ve gotten better, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. I’m so happy I started documenting my journey, as these videos are my physical proof of the steps forward I’m taking. Wishing you the best in the journey too!! Rooting for us both 😤 And thank you!! Cartoon Network was a huge part of my childhood, miss those days 😭
@@FUN2SEE100 Thank you. I'm a huge Ed, Edd and Eddy fan.
@@rb1599STOP!! Me too!! Samurai jack and courage the cowardly dog were also some that I loved a lot. Ooo add the flinstones and the jetsons too. I loved all the classics, anything from the mid 90s to 2010 was always playing at my house! Luckily I had brothers 5 years younger than me so it kept me watching CN longer than I would’ve
your willingness to share the reality, the inertia, the self-sabotage, the dead-ends + brick walls of dealing with c-pstd -- esp the lack of motivation that comes with childhood SA -- is so affirming + meaningful. i relate to so many of your thoughts + descriptions of your life patterns, as i'm certain several others do as well. thank you for being willing to be vulnerable with folks on the internet, it's a lot more courageous (+ even helpful) than you may be aware of.
+ the meta self-awareness mixed with a lack of change in one's day-to-day life, esp after having a profound moment of clarity in your life + realizing... "this apathy shit does not work for me, i actually do need people + love at the end of the day" 😭 insane. you doing the lord's work fr.
the lil steps are the big steps. the lil awarenesses are the big awareness. each lil change creates the bigger change. like you've said, you're not who you were, nor do you see yourself going back to that. it's just frustrating being in that obscure in-between of survivalistic detachment to secure attachment. you're otw, even if you can't fully see it from your vantage point.
Wow, thank you for your words. It’s crazy to read what you said and summarize perfectly how I felt. To me, these feelings are all over the place and confusing. But when you list them like that, they make my feelings and thoughts feel real. I’m not sure if that makes sense 😅 But I’m so happy you’re able to relate to what I have to say!! It makes me feel less crazy and alone. This truly is such a frustrating journey that makes you question yourself and the world constantly. I have to remind myself that life isn’t linear, I have to be honest with myself, and that I can’t give up. It’s almost like a jenga tower. It such a tedious process to build and you have to be so meticulous and careful with which pieces you take away. But one wrong move and it all tumbles down and you have to start all over again. I don’t want to start again. I liked that you called it a dead end. That’s such a good perspective, as you just turn around and go another way. A dead end doesn’t mean a full stop.
Sorry for the rambling!! Thank you so much for your comments, again, it means so much. I wish you all the best in your journey, you got this 😤😤
Stay strong. And it's going to get better. It's a process. Keep searching for free clinics they have connections to therapy. But you are not alone. It's very brave of you to make a video of what a lot of us keep to ourselves. Thanks keep looking towards the future.
Thank you so much for you comment!! I hadn’t considered looking into free clinics, I’ll definitely do that this week! It’s been a tough journey, but your support really helps me with the process 🥺❤️ thank you, truly! Have an amazing week!!!
I'm a student in his twenties living in Paris so my situation is different : I get to see my psychiatrist once a month, see my family doctor as needed and for emergencies can get an appointment at my family doctor or can go to a psychiatric ER and all of that for free. Though, I have to work to pay for psychotherapy, I found a great psychologist and see her twice a month. So I don't know how it's like to not be able to access healthcare even if you're aware you need help and are looking for it.
Still, there's something else I can talk about. As RB said you seem really self aware of your symptoms and behaviors and are looking for ways to change and that's huge. You're not on autopilot anymore and that's a really hard step I think, one many never reach unfortunately, even if we're not talking about psychiatric disorders but just everyday life.
I had to go to the ER last week and it was the first time I had a long talk with professionals about possibly having complex PTSD (my current diagnosis has been MDD for 8 months, which I also 100% have). Two of the things the nurse said that really stick with me are :
- I am really self aware and that's a huge strength (coming back to what RB and I think about you)
- Treatment is like climbing a mountain. It's hard, you often can't see you're making progress but eventually we'll get to a point where we're not just surviving but truly living
I think you're also getting aware that it's not gonna go away without work because at one point you reach a lifestone and that's also important.
The only practical things I can recommend is to get your hand on "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker (there's an audio book, I find it easier to follow personally) and maybe watch "Recognizing and Understanding Complex PTSD" by McLean hospital on RUclips. They're not replacement for treatment, but psychoeducation is really important and can help us go a long way.
Most importantly, remember you're not alone and there is hope for us.
With love from Paris ❤
Thank you so so much for your suggestions!! I watched the RUclips video and it was so eye opening, and really reassuring that this diagnosis is real and it has real lasting and chronic effects on me. I also have that book that you recommended!! I just haven’t read past the first chapter 😅 but I flip through sections from time to time.
I’m also really happy to hear that you’re able to get services in Paris!! Healthcare in the US is so complicated. I can get insurance through my job, but it would cost me $500 a month from my paycheck, and the benefits aren’t even worth it. And every single job has different insurance policies (if they even offer it). And getting insurance without a job??? Forget about it, it’s too expensive. Just have to depend on my young genes to keep my health strong.
You are right about my self awareness. It’s a stage I’ve reached and I can never really go back to who I was before that. When I’m in a really low spot, it’s so easy get caught up in what I’m NOT doing that I don’t see the progress I’ve made. And then I’m back to a good mood and I’m able to analyze. Ahhh, it’s so annoying 😩
I’m rambling, but thank you. Y’all’s comments is what helps me stay sane and realize it’s going to be okay and I can get through it. So thank you again!!! I also hope your visit to the ER wasn’t too long and you’re feeling much better! ☺️❤️ wishing you the best in your journey!
I'm glad the video helped! I often feel like I should be able to deal with all of it or like I'm exaggerating despite meeting all symptoms criteria (no official diagnosis yet but the ER nurse and psychiatrist were encouraging) so it's good to have that ressource to come back to.
I also forgot to say the psychiatric nurse mentioned that being able to express oneself in addition to self awareness is really important. Maybe at times you feel like you're just rambling, but you're able to get your point across and that's the most important 👍🏾
Things definitely aren't perfect in France and Europe overall but every time I think about the USA healthcare situation I just find it mind boggling. It's like everybody knows there's a solution that gets people better care and costs less to both individuals and society and yeah no let's not do it... Still, I really hope you find a way to get help despite the mess that system is.
I totally relate to what you said about being in a low spot. It's a weird feeling both during and after a crisis for me. Logic wise, I 100% know what's going on and why but feeling wise it's a big mix of pain, confusion and hopelessness about the present and the future.
As you said it's super annoying and for me the worst is how it affects relationships and interactions with others.
I just realized I'm more prone to get in crisis with people I'm attracted to, which I hate because obviously showing the worst part of yourself to your person of interest often ruins things. I also feel like I have no baseline for how human relationships work or should be despite being described as a huge extrovert by others, so I'm often left confused and blame myself heavily whenever I feel like something has gone wrong ugh 😩
Anyways, as you can see you're not the only one rambling 😅
Your videos also really help. Listening to you, I just feel less alone and it helps me fuel that light of hope inside me during difficult times so thank you very much ❤️
I get it!! It’s such a struggle fighting between knowing you have difficulty with things and beating yourself up for not being able to handle it.
It’s unfortunate that healthcare, just like education, is about business and not about social service. That’s the main reason and it’s so freaking frustrating!! People’s lives are just numbers, so it’s all about the numbers and not about the individual. I hate it, but hopefully things will change as younger people start taking over these jobs. Just praying they make a change and don’t continue the system.
And ramble away!! I relate so much to everything you’re saying. I didn’t grow up withing a healthy household, and it wasn’t until I was 20 that I started having healthy relationships, whether platonic or romantic. I’ve struggled immensely in both, and now with 27 years of experience, it’s still incredibly hard. I have to remind myself that my awareness began at a much later stage than my peers, and my development throughout my childhood wasn’t healthy. Like you said, if I hadn’t become self aware, I wouldn’t been trapped in my childlike mindset. Now, it’s a conscious effort to not return to that part and to be active in my life. It’s so hard!!! But genuinely, comments like yours really do help me a lot. No one in my life, while they may relate or understand, actually goes through what I do. And my mind just went “not that what I go through is hard”. But, it is hard. It’s hard for me. Why can’t I accept that? Why do I feel like my symptoms can so easily be solved?
Everyday I ask that. And everyday I try a little more. Again, I’m extremely happy to hear the support and services you have!! That is amazing, and I hope to hear more about your progress in the future! Thanks again for your comment ☺️enjoy your weekend ❤️
I get free therapy through medical, it's free. If there is a womans shelter around you please go there!! You will get a social worker and they can usually provide free limited therapy. They will also connect you to a lot of resources. Thats how I found my current therapist. I am doing therapy like EMDR and have done PE too, it sucked tbh. I will say you are very self aware and being kind to ourselves is one of the hardest parts of healing. Good luck
This a great idea, I haven’t even considered looking into a women’s shelter. My biggest struggle funny enough IS my self awareness. I’m over conscious of everything I do that it makes it so easy to focus on my negatives. I’ve heard a lot about EMDR and PE, I’m very open to trying out anything!! Just have to get that therapist first 😅 thank you so much for your comment and I’m wishing you all the best in your journey!! All the best of luck ❤