Adult with Autism | Autism & Why I Don't Have Children | 19
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- Опубликовано: 22 авг 2024
- I get asked more times than I want to why I don't have children. The problem with being asked is, if you give an answer they don't like, you then are forced to defend yourself...when the whole thing could be avoided by just not asking something which to some people is a very personal question.
So, for the people who wonder why I don't have children, here it is.
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As a woman with ASD I made the same decision. For many reasons and it just doesn’t click with my family. I’m 40 and the last minute pressure is brutal. I feel ya on this. I don’t regret it at all. In a dying world overpopulated with over 8 billion, not having children is anything but selfish. ❤
Such a shame you are pressured for making a personal decision you feel is best for you. If only people knew what they do by not listening to the individual 👍🏻
The world isn't over populated and we manage to feed its population cheaper, easier and more fairly than at any point in history. All this despite there literally being twice as many people in the world than ~45 years ago.
@@UranusMcVitieFish-yd7oqno just to many symptoms n some areas not spread out
I’m also 40F ASD, other genetic conditions, and I’m so relieved I didn’t have kids. I don’t care what anyone says about world population and sufficient food, this place is a dumpster fire and the generational trauma that rolled downhill stops with me and my also ASD bro.
You are 100% right. ASD people should really think twice and be sure they have the perfect partner before having kids.
My younger child is sick right now, just common cold, but I haven't had a silent alone moment in a week and I've woken up middle of the night last 6 nights. By mind is on verge of shattering into million crying pieces. No opportunity to recharge. I would be willing to pay quite a lot of money for just one day when I could be totally alone and just stare the wall and enjoy the silence.
Sorry to hear that, and only know that feeling from everything else that burns me out.
Really hope you get to have some down time soon.
Right😊
100% you said that well. Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child. It terrifies me the thought, the thought of how much I could mess up, what damage I would cause - not intentionally but because of all the things you rightly pointed out. I feel it’s hard being a women with autism these things are just expected of you but I feel like you do - no interest. Even if I did I genuinely believe it’s not fair or right for me to have a child knowing what I do about myself.
Life is short, fragile, and ever testing...
You can only do what is right for you, even more so over life altering decisions. Asking yourself the question 'when I am old, will I regret the decision if I choose not to have children?'... When I ask that of myself, the answer is, 'not one bit'.
It is okay to be unsure or not have a definitive answer whilst you are still in control, but once it is outside of your choice...you absolutely need to know it was the right call for the only person that matters.
My mother is autistic too and was a high functioning working mother. She had two kids and tried her best to avoid any emotional connection with us. She was obsessed with my father and his needs but least worried about her own kids. I am autistic adhd and I will not have children. I do like kids but realize my limits.
Too many make decisions based off what they think they should do, not what they need to do. Good to hear you consider moving forward, whatever you decide to do 👍🏻
I love your honesty Paul. The height of responsibility is knowing what doesn’t work for you and then having the discipline to not fall to societal pressures or even our own selfish desires to do something that is not going to be good for anyone.
I caution my sons in love in regards to this. But so often for women on the spectrum it’s when they have kids that the systems they have all their lives put in place to survive and even thrive with the autism comes crashing down because you’re aware truly you can’t do kids.
And it’s not the kids themselves, they are wonderful, it’s the whole structure and environments and places and spaces the demand the noise the lack of downtime.
And if your children are on the spectrum, which is common, you have to be their support system in areas that you yourself need support to meet the demands of daily life demands, school, and all the rigors of all of the routines and appointments that must be done are no longer there to support you, you are having to meet all of those demands to support the children. Exhausting and overwhelming.
So the very thing that you truly can’t do is placed on your shoulders and you got to carry it there’s no out.
When you are in the midst of a shut down and you’ve got to get the nappies at the store the food for every single meal, prepare it, get the kids to school and homework and laundry, you still got to do it. But because you can’t then you have meltdowns where meltdowns never existed before and meltdowns are not acceptable in the presence of children.
It’s heartbreaking because the autistic person cares deeply. Cares deeply for their children. But once you have them you realize you are autistic it’s too late, you just have to power through and then you have meltdowns and shut downs and it’s just so difficult for you and for the children and for the autistic person themself…. and the spouse.
You are spot on on all things in this video and I’m so thankful that you put it out there. It scares me when there are voices speaking to the concept and pretending potentially that it’s going to be easily done or even healthy for the autistic parent to entertain parenting. There must be so many supports. Possibly if you can completely step outside of society and structures in place and raise your family in a way that meets the autism, if everybody in the family is dealing with autism, then that might work but it’s still going to be very challenging. So often one autistics irritant is the other autistics seek.
I’ve always said this would work out beautifully maybe if you could have a Personal shopper a chef A nanny and a homeschool tutor… maybe.
And yes, the touch thing.
You did a beautiful job with this❤️ Because you don’t have children you can put this out there and be real. So many who have platforms that are autistic with children really can’t put the truth out there. They are basically putting something out there with a cover story of coping and surviving versus thriving. There isn’t really any safe space to say… I shouldn’t have done this. 🥲
Thanks Karen, really appreciate that. You're definitely right, once you go down the rabbit hole of having children, you won't know where all the stressors will be or indeed...how many!
As an ASD woman the idea of having kids has always been completely unthinkable. Firstly there is the chronic, crippling anxiety I've been fighting since early childhood which would have made it impossible to deal with raising another human being every minute of every day for years and years. Add to that the slew of co-morbidities including dyspraxia with LDs, severe OCD, and others .and I would never have survived to my recent sixtieth birthday. And what would that have meant for that potential child? {Most neurotypical parents I know had a tough enough time of it}. I am very fortunate to have finally met a man who understood and accepted me for who I was and also did not want children. There was however a lot of rejection, cruelty, and trauma along the way esp. since I was not diagnosed until my 40s after a breakdown. I know this will create anger out there, but I have a hard time understanding a lot of the ASD parents who have 2 or 3 or more kids and talk about how great it is; I also have trouble with much of the neurodiversity community and the stance that ASD is somehow a Blessing a Gift or a Superpower!
I don't resonate with the Superpower either
I really understand you on this Paul. I can't tell the details of my whole story, but I have been through so much emotional pain. More then I could have ever imagined I would in my life. All because of my decision to have children and get married. If I would have known years ago I was not properly equipped to care for children or a husband full time. I would have made different decisions.
They all would have been spared of the pain too. It wasn't just I and them, but many other people experienced pain because of my decisions. I can't go back and change any of it. However, I can forgive myself, except that I have limitations, and know that those limitations are not my fault.
In my opinion you have made the right choice for yourself in this area Paul.
Thanks Kris for sharing.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I never got married either...maybe that's a video for another time?
A lot of Autistic people do things because it is expected, so it is easy to fall into what people expect as we are trying to blend in. The problem is, we forget ourselves, and don't know how to untangle what we need. A lot of time it goes against the grain, or it is too late. As you say, we can't go back...we can only alter what we still have within our control to do so.
@@AdultwithAutism I agree.
Yes, yes and more yes. I regret it all. I wish I can turn back time and not have it all. But since I know have love them, it would hurt.
I ended up telling my family that I got a vasectomy. They stopped bothering me after that. My wife and I have no desire to have children after seeing other relatives struggling financially and just being miserable.
I've also gone down the route of the hardest hitting point straight away to remove the additional questions that can come with it, or come back up as a revisit. It's just easier 👍🏻
They may cost money. What an utterly pathetic reason not to be parents. And that's speaking as an ASD diagnosed adult and parent of two.
@@UranusMcVitieFish-yd7oq It's ok, nothing wrong with admitting you wish you had made different choices.
Bob Dylan: “I try my best to be just who I am, but everybody wants you to be just like them.” People foist their views unto others. I wish they wouldn’t. I’m often asked why I don’t eat meat. I have no interest in talking about it with other people. What they eat is their own business. Plus, they don’t want to know, they want to convert me to how they do things.
Very true. Funnily enough, I think the video on Sunday has the question 'would I be a Vegan' in there.
But you're right, what you choose to do, how you choose to live...so long as it isn't detrimental to yourself or others then, crack on!
I haven't seen your channel before and really glad I found it. Absolutely agree with the having kids decision. It's not enjoyable for many people and it's just a tick-the-box decision like your uncle so they do it. Good on you for being so responsible and thoughtful, which is what a great parent needs to be and is overlooked. Its not the child's fault or the parents it's just a difficulty that should be more recognised. Nothing wrong with saying "I'm just not paternal/ maternal". Hope you've done more on parenting because strangely you see it very clearly. It was wonderful and honest and funny. Thank you.
Thank you for your kind words, much appreciated 👍🏻
I understand you completely. I had two kids even though I wasn’t really qualified. For all the same reasons you mentioned.
However, this was 25 years ago and I had no idea about my autism and how it would affect our family life.
25 years on when the kids are now adults...I would be alright to just jump to that part.
I didn't know about being autistic until after fifty, after our youngest of four was seventeen and he was diagnosed with autism. I definitely would have made different decisions had I known earlier about how my brain/mind works, but I also believe that is why I wasn't told. I love so much our four children and don't regret them being born. I also don't regret myself being born as I believe my own parents were autistic. We will never know for sure now. I believe for some people, being autistic doesn't negate them being a good parent. For other autistic people, it would be best if they don't father/mother children. You might change your mind if you did have a child, but then again you may not. So, for you, yes I agree taking the risk is too much of a risk. Its not like buying and trying out a toy and then deciding you don't want to play with it anymore. Even though I love being a parent(with all of its difficulties) and now that I know how my brain works and sometimes wish I had more (maybe I'll get grandkids to hug and hold some day), I support your decision 100%. There are plenty of things to do on this planet and having children isn't mandatory.
It isn't. People having children doesn't bother me, but it bothers others that I don't. Always found that odd 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism nicely put.
Hey Paul makes sense to me. No kids here. Though I don’t mind other peoples kids. Most of the time! Kids don’t have all of the hidden agendas that grown ups have! Also one ever has to tell people why they don’t have children. I get asked that a lot as well. Doesn’t make sense to me why they need to know, but then I am not a parent and not Neurotypical. Loved the part in the middle about there being enough words to solve any problem. That is so right on! I get very bothered by all of the violence here in the states over nonsense. Notice I used “Bothered.” I am now scripting from you🤣. I think its great you know who you are and know your limits. Hope you are well and keep smiling 🙂.
Haha, cheers Bryan. And cheers for quoting...I'll be starting a cult soon if you want in? 🤣
You are very clever with words and describe very well what you feel and how you think. I might borrow a phrase of three in my private life. I really like how you describe alone time as completely necessary recharge time. That has always been my experience too.
And I just keep needing more and more of the older I get.
Thank you, I appreciate that. The recharge time is needing to be upped these days, but I am much more accepting of why I need it which helps. Knowing I am not selfish for looking after me was one of the biggest obstacles I had to face for years.
@@AdultwithAutism Same here
I feel the same way. It's very difficult to meet the emotional needs of a child, when your own are so different.
That would be a concern, I agree 👍🏻
2:03 is why I’ve really stopped going around others to socialize as much as. It’s just endless intrusive questions that I’m tired of answering.. I also hate the small talk and at this point if my I really have little to say to people .
As for having children? That is a big No for me - I realized many years back that kids were just not in the cards for me. The thought of getting home from work drained and having to help them with homework or go to their ballet lesson or baseball game makes me groan. Dogs are the closest I’ll have ever have to kids
Dogs are much more preferable for me too 👍🏻
I'm childfree by choice too. - For similar reasons as you presented in the video.
There are people who have talked to me about how I'm wrong as I don't fit the 'biological imperative'. But I'm not wrong for my choice, they're wrong for assuming research is 100% accurate 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism Exactly. In my opinion, only those who really really want kids should have them. Same with animals, Unless you really, really want a dog/cat and are prepared to take responsibility and care for them in the right way, you shouldn't get an animal or a kid. You have taken responsibility by thinking through things. And then made a choice not to have kids. Many people don't think through things (which I just don't get), and I mean the bigger things in life.
I fully agree. The amount of animals in shelters, kids from broken homes etc. There would be far less if people learnt who they were before making big decisions.
I'm like you and I always thought I never wanted children, and then my wife got pregnant and we had a kid way before I ever got my diagnosis. I wouldn't change it from this point forward, but all of my fears came true and I really don't think I was a particularly good parent. I remember being incredibly uncomfortable when he wanted to play and I would play as much as I was able to and then I'd have to stop. Whenever I come home from work I need good half hour to an hour just to shake work off be charged just a little, and he would want to spend time with him. This is a difficult topic, I know a lot of people have strong emotions about this, but I applaud you for discussing it.
Thanks Michael. This is probably the video I recieve the most emails about from Autistic parents.
Glad YT sent me your vid. 40F, ASD, knew by 5 that I didn’t want kids due to my own neglect, bully siblings, and medical issues. I truly can’t stand the sound of kids. I’m sure it’s partially from my own trauma. Divorced over not having kids, just wouldn’t budge. Rewind 7 years ago, when I became a dog mom for the first time. Ooohhhh man, this is it for me! I love caring for my little dude so much. It’s very unconditional and reciprocal unlike most human to human connection. I lived overseas when my nieces and nephews were all born so kind of used it as excuse not to be close, don’t regret it. They will grow up and get curious why their parents rejected their own sister, the ‘tism, and they might end up getting diagnosed and seeking my support when they’re older.
I have an autistic son, so I just happen to run into this channel, it is very insightful. This does give me a look of how he things sometimes, and helps me understand.
I am glad it can help 👍🏻
Thank you for sharing. I admire your honesty. I always knew I didn't want children. Friends used to say to me "wait until you meet the right person and you will change your mind". I didn't meet that person but i knew that even if I did I would never change my mind. Following my diagnosis I now realise both my parents were autistic. My mum only ever had the energy to focus on my dad. I don't blame her for that. Now, i am older i have very little energy to focus on anyone but myself. I was her carer for seven years and i dont know how i did that!
This is a great explanation. I am not autistic, but I have a lot of similar reasons for not wanting to have kids, and I feel that it's very responsible to know that you aren't prepared to give a child a great childhood and decided to honor that.
Thank you 👍🏻
Hey Paul,
If anyone tells you that your just being selfish in this decision, tell them to take a walk. Not everyone is made to be a parent. (there is a world full of abused or neglected kids to prove that) It's like being a nurse, a firefighter or police officer for example (none of which i would ever have been able to do)... it doesn't matter how much you care about another person if your not made to do those things then you will be unable to provide the level of care needed. I have some watermelons of my own. After listening to your reasoning i have this to say... if you had felt capable to have your own children i believe you would have done everything you were able to do to make sure they had a better life than you yourself had. And that my friend is what it takes to be a good watermelon farmer.
Thanks Paul!
Still smiling!
Hey Joseph,
If I could have looked after watermelons after farming them, I would have.
But as you say, some things aren't for everyone. It's the Autism curse...if others don't do things then it's fine. If I don't do something, people want explanations or feel they can give their perspective as to why you're wrong.
And people wonder why I don't want their time 😂
I have so much respect for you for thinking about the child’s welfare and being realistic about your likes and dislikes. If only all wanna-be parents thought like that, the world would be a better place. Having children should not be about ‘self fulfilment’. The welfare of the child should be always come first.
Thank you
Definitely can relate to staying child-free. As I have been getting to know more Autistic people, I notice many are purposely Child-free also
"Free time isn't free time for me." Same. I feel like working a FTJ makes it near impossible to have time to recharge for activities that I like to do. Only reason I could do RUclips still is I'm basically using it to cope.
It does. The older I get, the less the days off help the recharge I need. There is a huge flaw in the archaic working system that we still adhere to, so getting support is near impossible. Doing YT for me lets me get the thoughts I don't say, said out loud to see if I can make sense of it when I hear it.
You are so 100% right on this one... i am a women, so had many pressure on about the kids decision by a lot of persons around!! Well, they could not influence me that much.... the beauty about beign autistic is that, for me at least, all those words did not even reach me that much and i did my own thing, not giving that much of a shit about what they think 😅
I became a nurse and i see so much kids in my regular practice these days, and.. oh my god!! Every single day, i am on my knees with gratitude, and thanking all the saints that after work i could return to my simple and calm life without those needs, pressures and complexities of having a kid. As a nurse, people tell me their truth, not the pink facade they put on society or, worse, the social medias. And it hurts.
I saw first hand how it can be tough, plus you have to deal with wathever comes your way, the kid is a contract for life! I had exhausted parents, even NT, crying in my office about their unliveable and unescapable life because of their kids.. It seems to me that they have been sold pure dream by a society who always want more workers and consumers, and ouch, the reality hits hard.. even for them.
Autists are certainly having more risk of having autistic kids, and it is often a nightmare of endless crisis and medical appointments, if you can even see a professionnal! I saw parents paying 5k+$ to have a diagnosis in the private sector because waiting lists were epic and the kid is growing up with so much problems meanwhile.. they are bullied and rejected and school won't do much, sometimes telling the parents to just do home school!! I saw many parents having to take sick leave one after another just because the kid is sick, and having panick attack about how to provide for the kid when they just can't work, ever. An impossible equation.
I tell you, the reality of it is brutaly tough in so many ways, and just getting tougher. You need solidity, resilience, a lot of help and let's admit it.. wealth is more and more important too. I think people should know how hard and trying it is too often.. it is a personnal choice for sure, but i could not agree more with you: if you are already struggling just taking care of yourself, kids is probably a really bad idea, and no benefits can change that. When you suck too much with the basics of parenting, like cooking, social services might get involved, and that is another emotions twister when they evaluate that and might take the kid away...
Just the same as you, and the reality proves it to me every day... it would almost certainly have destroyed me
We get questioned for a considered life decision, yet people who have children when they're not designed to, for the most part...don't? It's an odd world out there 👍🏻
I never wanted kids. It's a huge responsibility, and I always struggled keeping my own life and relationships together. It's not right to bring a child into the hellscape that was my life pre-diagnosis.
I generally don't feel like kids are cute either. Probably because when I was kid, most of the other kids were mean to me. I was assaulted repeatedly by them when I wasn't being socially outcast / picked last for kick-ball.
So yea...no kids has worked for me so far.... and I'm almost 60. Now that I know I'm autistc though, I'd want an autistic child if I every have children - because I understand autistic people.
Good point. If I would have had children, I would have wanted a smaller version of me, same corner of Autism, to help him a way I wasn't helped 👍🏻
I both never want children but also like the idea of it. I know I would love to have a kid and teach them everything I know, watch them grow up and be successful, passing on the knowledge I gave to them. At the same time I don’t like the costs involved, the fact that they are annoying and people will know doubt be very judgmental of my laid back parenting style! So I’m still undecided and would probably come down to what my partner wants, maybe adopt, who knows…
Who knows indeed! You could Foster? Test the waters.
I ultimately did know, I didn't have 1% interest in the idea at any point in my life as I know it wouldn't have suited how I need to be for my sanity.
The dreaded Narc uncle 🤪 Never check a box on Boxing Day for a family narcissist love❤️
Haha, I think every family must have one!
And the bigger, second taboo is discussing the women that shouldn't have kids, autism or not and the many blocks to discussing this. This false notion that every woman is inherently suited to doing so....HA !
I know people who work in Social care...some of the stories are horrific. Not everyone who has children should have them.
Thank you for sharing. For myself I’d welcome them kids but won’t go out of my way to have them. I’ve been a taekwondo instructor and activity specialist for kids and after 3 months all my patience has evaporated.
We get to focus on making the world a better more efficient place so the people who do have kids and those kids can thrive. At least thats the way I see it.
I’m happy to be childless too. I prefer other peoples kids, I remember my siblings being hard work when they were kids and being a parent is the last thing I’ll ever be as having kids will affect my autism too and I wouldn’t be able to cope with sleepless nights, having to get out of bed before the sun comes out, behavioural problems in the child as I’ve even watched Supernanny in the past too and I prefer having a social life with friends and family members too
It's not for everyone, and that's okay. It's just another unfortunate thing we get hit with for not following the 'path of life' that so many follow. Some don't think about the individual first to understand why it's not for us 👍🏻
Thank You! For Your Words. We are almost in the same world.
I just started following you on Instagram. What an adorable puppy you've got!! 😍😍😍
Haha, not to live with he isn't...he's a pain. But gets away with it via his cuteness.
@@AdultwithAutism Yeah, cute for sure! Puppies are fun and a lot of work! 😅😄
George is both of those things 😂
@@AdultwithAutism 😂😂🙈🐶
I have never wanted kids. Ever. For all of the reasons you mention here. My stock answer when asked why I never had kids (I'm 55), is "I am not a salmon, I do not spawn." And then stare them down.
I like the stare down technique 👍🏻
Not for the first time, while watching one of your videos, I've though 'when did I grow a beard and develop a Yorkshire/Lancashire-ish accent?' 100% with you on all the points. Well, almost... lol I was 100% until about ten years ago I met a young autistic person (child). They are now my favourite person, and I have such a laugh with them. However, I still know I was right not to have kids, and I don't lose any sleep over that decision. I just don't sleep in the first place haha Thanks for mentioning the cooking thing. Same here. Used to be able to cook - now I just can't. It was reassuring to hear someone else say this.
Having children is like buying a new puppy dog with one big exception, at ~10 yo they don't turn into adult dogs nope, children metamorphize into racoons ! messy destructive beasts!
Haha, I'll stick to dogs 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism My conclusion also
I’ve known since I was a child myself that I would not have kids. Primary reason is extreme medical phobia, I could not cope with the experience of being pregnant and giving birth so that’s always been a non-negotiable. At one point thought well, maybe I could adopt or have a surrogate, but the older I get the less ability I have to cope with children’s behaviours. The sensory side of it is unbearable. Babies I’m actually fine with, it’s once they get to the age where they’re doing their own thing. The uncertainty of raising a child, what might happen to them avoidable or not, the way the world and education is now would also really bother me. I’m completely at peace with this choice, I don’t even think about it. But I wish I knew more people who also felt the same way.
I wish people would accept that it's also okay to have the mindset of not wanting them. But for an odd reason, they tell you that you're lying? Very odd.
After having heard several of your videos now, I assumed I'd already knew what you were going to say. Here we are.
I have not being that self reflective... thought I was not complete or not good enough, whatever. I wanted kids (maybe selfishly thinking I would have partners in crime). When the second came, I had a burnout, went into cure (wirh both: 2 1/2 years and 8 months) amd bet what: made it worse.
Landed in the psychiatric, kept me there for 4 month. Told me I was bipolar. But I felt I wasn't. I felt I was trying so hard (manic) and then broke down (depression), I was trapped in a circle.🎉.
They supported the full time working father (which is smart and therefore had a helpful impact on the children, but noone was empathetic with me, qpuld try to understand or even ask me what was going on, wrong, what I struggled with or needed. I felt so lost.
At that point I felt, I need my own power to drag myself out of the swamp by my own hair.
This was a game changer, but exhausting. I learned so much. Still loads of years had to pass by untill I finally found an explanation that seemed to match. (Hint: it was not "messy" "bipolar" or even "depression")
I perceive myself as a committed person who really cares and wants to help and doesn't want leave someone with doubts or insecurity.
But over the years, I didn't get energy back from people (only a hand full of). But nature can do that. Making music, taking photos, painting, creating, writing lyrics (songs). If not you have to leave your door and meet demanding or requesting people...
I thought I had to share what I am good at (cause you get that told). But now I see, I have to do what is goid for me (especially for a living).
To cut a long story short: I realised I don't hope for grandchildren... I my children themselves would have their own children, I bet I'd love them. But if not I don't have no extra ti worry about, to, probably feeling responsible (as I mentioned I believe I am caring amd loving) which might lead to another leak.
Thanks, Paul, for providing your deep and your intuitive thoughts as a beneficial source to others (and therefore m e !)
By the way: I feel extraordinaryly comfortable with the way you speak and the timbre of your voice. No sounds or bells amd whistles added, just pure, point-blanked. Gorgeous stuff to expand problem-solving capabilities and getting chucks to expand my horizon concerning (not only) myself.
Thanks for sharing, and the kind words
The shame of not having children is worse when you are a woman.. even if you are on the spectrum.
You're important too, and the life choices people make are no one else's business. If you are a good person and others don't accept your choices...then they are not good people. But I hear you, I am sure there is a different type of judgement 👍🏻
We have a lot in common but I have 2 kids. The reason is because almost 20 years ago I found the perfect husband for me. First and foremost he's a cook. (And I was looking for a cook in order to survive because I cannot touch the food with hands.) Today, gues who is going to put outside the garbage...my kids, that's their job! (I can't touch the bag of the garbage). Guess who helps me cleaning my home...the kids!
I understand all of your problems with kids, I probably wouldn't have had them if it wasn't for my husband.
But. The most important thing for you is that you are not forced to have one. You explained why and that's all. You understood what it would have been like so, in a certain way, you are really a good father.
(I'm Italian, hope you can understand what I wanted to say)
I understand. Thank you 👍🏻
Whoa. Are you living in my head? Because you just perfectly stated my reasons for not having kids, including reasons I didn't realize I had. Their grubby fingers and lack of personal space is just ewww. And I agree, they're about as interesting as watermelons.
I’ve really tried to find someone to settle down with and have kids, basically to fit in, and as the illusion faded away I avoided being around family and friends with family and parties etc because there family orientated , for a long time this crushed me and fuelled my self hatred and suicidal thoughts, at least it stopped me drinking, l live a solitary life and in my work life etc .
As lve said before my catholic faith has changed me socially and mentally etc, l accept pain and suffering etc as part of life, and l don’t mind kids, people in general l don’t procrastinate about anything anymore, l just move on and l don’t look back.
Sometimes, it is not about someone wanting children or not. Sometimes, the person is just not able to find and keep a partner in the first place. Sometimes, he/she just does not know how and where to start. Some people would love to have children and would be amazing parents but you need to be lucky enough to find a partner first. Most people unfortunately take things for granted while others would love to have.
True, just as a lot of people have children and don't raise them correctly. There is the other side who want them, but don't get the opportunity 👍🏻
A lot of women are realising that kids aren't for them, which is great as noone should do something that's so crucial, noone should make a decision so mindlessly.
Yet so many do unfortunately. I agree.
I’m level 2 and have a baby it’s great
Well said. I was duped into marriage and fatherhood by a woman who claimed to be on the pill. I lasted a year before the overwhelm became unbearable. All the fears/challenges you expressed associated with divorce and weekend fatherhood were my reality. I am still dealing with the fallout 30 years later. Obviously, you made the right choice. My son is wonderful, but I wasn't capable of being a fulltime dad. The guilt can still be unbearable. Especially during the Holidays. I think you will enjoy this video. Cheers! ruclips.net/video/Rtle9F84nqU/видео.htmlsi=t25tTS_AKmRGwied
I truly don’t understand how anyone with autism can be a parent or husband or wife - there’s simply not enough social energy to give towards another person. I have a dog and sometimes I have to really force myself to take him for a walk and that doesn’t take much energy - every social events spends me spoons lol.. I do have regret about the ways I have behaved towards family and old friends but it’s self preservation .
Yep, life has been all about self-preservation. I would like to have a dog, but it seems untenable. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself. I have a bipolar 2 diagnosis, but now I'm not so sure. It feels like I have a turbo charged nervous system. I totally relate to 90% of Paul's experiences, except for the cooking. And I can read people very well, but will never understand their cringe worthy "pop culture" motives.
@@billkress705 Apply the bell curve to the situation. We are probably the outliers in the top 1 or 2% of processing power. And every deviation rises exponentially - like the Richter scale. Every neurodivergent is like an entirely different species. My brain grinds away 24/7, assimilating every minute detail collected by a hyper-vigilant nervous system, making it very difficult to get sleep deeply. My head feels like an eight-track player, with all tracks running simultaneously. Snippets of songs looping, tinnitus, replaying random events, harsh light, temperature variations, background noise, impulsive thoughts, etc. While working on my novel, I find it easier to concentrate with two tv's on (sound off) and the stereo playing. They keep a few tracks occupied so the rest of my mind can focus. But, conversely, I can be easily overwhelmed at busy grocery stores (especially unfamiliar ones). Anyway, it's time to shut-up now ;)
That 'claimed to be on the pill' sent a shiver down my spine. I know it can fail, but I also know people can lie, and that is one hell of a lie.
@@AdultwithAutism I have no doubt it was a lie. She remarried within a year and they moved my boy halfway across the country. Then she wanted me to allow her hubby to adopt MY son. My head nearly exploded. So I moved to remain in his life. They made it difficult to see him for years, told lies about me, etc. Now, 30 years and thousands of dollars of child support later, the relationship with my son is still strained. Aahhhhh!!!
24:07 that's exactly the point i don't have any!
I had a bad nights sleep. I don't have the energy to get myself breakfast...but at least it is just me who has the repercussions!
@@AdultwithAutism i can relate, the last days i had a some night calls until 2am. but my day start at 4:30am feeling tiered right now. but a cofee will help
I don't know where I would be without coffee!
Hi Paul, yes, without coffee in the morning i'm like a zombie the whole day!
Me too Arno!
I think thw same and I think it is a wise choixhe
Whilst i would of agreed with you pre meeting my husband I can now say never say never... honestly I felt exactly how you felt with an added phobia of babies... I felt ok with life... but not happy... i had no idea what to do i could not see passed the next day but knew i could not do this path... i watched yes man film... and it sounds silly but i said yes to everything i could for one month even if i had fear or exhaustion unless it was gonna put me at a detriment . It gave me and and my husband the opportunity to cross life paths which would not of occured otherwise. He has changed my life entirely... he encourages just at the right time in the right way and compensates when needed. We got animals he was stunning with them too. He knew i did not want marriage and kids... then he was so brilliant i want to marry him... he just got better and better and when he mentioned kids i realised i now could but had fear still. I too was not enthused by others children, couldn't even talk to them, could see no benefit. Then when your own pops out something comes from nothing... a huge mass of love and joy and yes stress but boy having your own its like living on a whole new planet and with the right partner its like a breathing apparatus on the planet. I am the autistic mother. All my female friends are neuro typical with autistic husbands with kids. There are men and women out their who need us with autism, want us to be the parent to their children... they make us successful and enjoy it and our condition is actually a blessing to them... but i also know that you would never know what i mean at all as its such an alien concept it can not possibly be true. Having a better life with kids due to a life partner who is just right for you is rare, incomprehensible... but not impossible. I want to thank you, watching this video blew me away, i appreciate my husband but i can tell you in my mind now he is phenomenal, my life is fun and what i give from me to my kids is replenished 10fold by something. From fear to privileged, lucky, loved, needed, wanted, fulfilled and even more grateful after your lovely video... thank you again. May you keep evolving, even with compression bottle necks to always something happier than before
I am really glad that you met someone just right for you, and that having children worked out for you.
We are all different, and you're very correct...there is not a shred of me at all that would have ever, or ever in the future want to experience this at all. It is something I spent many years considering, and I know absolutely I made the right choice. But again, really happy your life is how you want it. The joy for me, I know my mind very well, especially in this type of extremely serious life decision, and it will always be the right call for me. Quite happy being a dog dad.
@@AdultwithAutism you are an incredible person, so articulate to, a real treasure on this planet! What a lucky pooch yay, have a magical evening
He's spoilt...far too spoilt! Hope you enjoy your weekend.
I never wanted to have kids. I'm not interested in them and I didn't like them since I was a kid myself. But I wasn't a typical kid, you know. I was a little nerd as long as I remember.
I need to be without other humans, so I live alone with my dog and I never want to change that.
Kids are not watermelons!!!! How dare you compare a sweet juicy fruit with screaming chaotic little beings??? Just kidding. Actually I'm not...
I know, I did Watermelons wrongly...
This is really really powerful for me. 43 I don't have any kids. I quite literally identify with 99% of percent of this video. The only part I fundamentally don't agree with is... I used to be one of those kids so I like them. I have nieces and nephews and maybe it's because autism and other spectrum disorders can be genetic. So it's possible some of these young kids ARE like me, OR will be like me when they go up. So I love playing Legos or blocks with them and stuff like that. I feel like in some ways I have the opposite take of this video. Like. I value children so much that I realized why I shouldn't have them. It's confusing I know.
You're thoughts are allowed to clash, it's not a problem. You enjoy, I don't. No worries 👍🏻
Getting Kark Pinkington vibes
Iam also autistic
Iam your like son
I got kids but struggle a lot I got assessment at end of this month I’m 33 I alwyas new I was different but the more I’ve watched on asd I no I got it and I’d say adhd as well I go to family placers and sit there very uncomfortable I look at the world around me and can’t see myself being like them I ovs look the odd 1 out to them and I get home I’m drained and just need my time to recharge but the gf and family probably think it’s me being selfish and lazy but I can’t cope I need tht time at same time dnt like being all alone as I grow up in care children’s home ect locked in rooms all day I hit the drugs and drink for many years a form of self harm I dnt do drugs no more and I drink rarely as it doesn’t agree with me I always say hope my kids don’t have what I have as wouldn’t be fair on them was good video to watch this 1
Glad you enjoyed it 👍🏻
Also what happens if the kid has the same genetics?, now the kid has to deal with bullying and an insecure life up ahead to deal with.
The problem isn't genetics, it's bullies unfortunately. Never get rid of that insecure mindset they have where they can't deal with difference.
0:37 i mean i feel like you've gone over this. You have made the more logical reason not to have kids. Just listening to your videos I'm like happy you don't have kids. 😅
I wouldn't do it all again I love the crap out of my family, But if I knew I had Autism I'd be scared to have kids because I wouldn't want them to end up like this.
8:31 thays exactly how annoying it is lol 😂 it's dreadful! 9:00 lol im literally in a tent in the basement we "live" in because i need space that i can be me in. No ones allowed in here but me, husbands orders, its where i crochet and try to relax. But im so high strung.
11:58 i completely agree using entertainment to raise your kids. However doing it every once in a while is safe because we need a rest. But by no means what my kid raised by anything but love and time and care. I love her so much.
15:43 😂😂 hose them down lol i love it.
Listened when it comes to hugs its hard. I had to learn it. And once she understood emotions better I had to tech her to ask first. I'm spontaneous and I'll just hug her. Hugs everyday at least once a day on a bad day. Cuz I'll feel bad. Like if I initiate a conversation or touch then its ok. But people coming at me I hate it.
25:05 I think I've said it, but I'm glad you were smart and didn't have a kids. Thise not kids would be thankful .
A tent in the basement sounds absolutely awesome! I used to love having a den inside the house.
I still think you would make a great dad.
Appreciated 👍🏻
I take it that you won’t be applying for any care worker job’s anytime soon 😂
Whatever gave you that impression! 😂😂
It's mind boggling to me that i may have had an almost 6yo, if i hadn't walked across the border into Mexico and gotten $25 Misoprostol without regulation or even so much as ID.
I definitely do not regret it.
People who procreate are selfish.
When you ask them why they wanted to have children, it always starts with "I wanted"...
This is a very old paradigm also.
The classic naturist poets (Whitman, Thoreau) were regarded as selfish for not having children.
I must say it's even more mind boggling to me that most of my co-workers (females especially) fawn over babies and young children when they come into the store where i work.
I'm 43, and im emphatic about never having children. I've actually broken up with partners who were actively interested in getting me pregnant, and refused to bed with ones I know are pro-life and anti-prophylactic.
Im actually interested in writing a book about an alternative social parenting style that may be a LOT healthier for everyone involved. I have a title: The Three Years Parent... in the premise of "it takes a village..."
Someone tried to show me their newborn child last week and I didn't know how I was supposed to react. So I just commented that their onesie looked really warm and that's only because it was a cold day and I wish I was wearing something similar. 👍🏻