"I was drinking to just try to kill brain-cells, so i could fit in with everyone else" - this hit home, felt i couldnt say it though, because it may be misunderstood as arrogance lol. thanks for the video! another thing was, when people pointed alcohol could shorten your life-span, i'd think, good lol, to be done with the stress of just existing.
Yeah mine was whatever I can get my hands on when the councilor asked me what drugs I had done in my life I said it would be easier for me to tell you the drugs that I haven't done he says you're joking right? Sadly no!But drugs and alcohol got boring and over time stopped working.And getting and finding drugs is very stressful,full of risks and having to deal with people especially people you dont know or know if they are gonna rob you arrest you or even harm you.Nope that had to go. But because of this my ability to overcome addiction was as easy as getting bored with a game or a hobby you just leave it and move on to the next.But eventually it just does nothing but maintain that addiction and thats it.
I'm 57 I started drinking and partying at 15. The alcohol helped me with the overload of noise movement, drama, overbearing people, unsafety of being at pubs and clubs. I stopped drinking completely before covid and nowadays I'm very thankful for the peace and serenity in my life. I'm adhd and autistic undiagnosed because the NHS have refused my diagnosis. I do wild swimming and running now, living the best life I can. I'm single because I can't cope with intimate relationships, I was married and raised 2 kids, I prefer staying single.
I really agree with you with the way alcohol makes you feel. It's not that it calms my anxiety. It slows my mind down. It makes me feel like how I imagine other people feel. Just makes me feel normal.
Totally relate. My mind is always running and constantly analyzing every aspect of any situation that is currently going on. With a few beers it seemed like this is how a normal person feels when they casually can be social and talk to people. Maybe there is a natural reason why my brain Is Wired like that A coping mechanism to stay out of danger And always be aware of my surroundings. LOL
48 year old late diagnosed here. I can relate to this so much. I am pretty dependent on alcohol for much of my adult life and I absolutely hate that I need it to socialize. It just makes everything quieter so I can think, but then I feel worse later.
@@AdultwithAutism Yes definitely. I’m getting pretty sick of that feeling too. It’s just not helping like it used to. I’ve been cutting back and I feel better.
You can do it. I gave up booze with Alcoholics Anonymous for 23 years. I do drink now but it’s minor compared to how it was. I had years I’d psychotherapy too snd it’s helped me a lot. Good luck man.
I did drink A LOT. Once I fully accepted and began to like and appreciate the autism, and EFF everyone else…. That need just went away. Over all, I’d rather be autistic than the insanity that is neurotypical.
If you are truly physically dependent, please seek a qualified health practitioner. People who are physically dependent should be medically withdrawn. Between delirium tremens and cardiac/blood pressure risks, serious complications are not uncommon and can be fatal. I wasn't physically dependent, so I just supplemented Thiamine (Vitamin B1)...
Wow! You helped me understand many aspects of my adult daughter. Her need to drink to feel vulnerable. Brilliant with numbers, angry when sober, intolerant of what she calls “Stupid People”, invalidating of anyone who makes mistakes in life, blaming me then holding on to fantasies of her childhood. Denial that she MAY need someone to be there for her, that it’s everyone else’s fault that she is so confused about life. Love the bones of her. She was diagnosed on the spectrum at 17, but by then she hated me.
Sorry to read that Lisa, I can relate to everything you've put there. I went through all that too. The littlest mistake anyone would make from a lapse of concentration and the way I reacted...you'd think a crime had been committed. For me, I had to learn to compartmentalise what I can and cannot control, and then forget about what I can control, because I found it was that section of life that consumed me. Once I taught myself to do and only put my effort and interest in what I actually can control, then I relaxed a little. But it took most of my life to figure that out, and how to do it effectively. I hope it can improve in time.
I really appreciate your honesty. In that spirit, I'm still in bed with a hangover. Alcohol is going to kill me (accidental suicide, the doctor said). So after a late diagnosis of autism last year I'm doing a bit of self-analysis so I can be my authentic self and give up the fake Donna. I've always said I drink because I need a holiday from my head. The constant overthinking and worrying...I just need to kill it for a few hours! But also the ONLY time I can stand other people, online or in person, is by using alcohol. I never socialise sober. I've got about an hours limit on family or anyone really before I need to hit the bottle. But it needs to change because I hate myself now too. I am not this stupid and weak to let alcohol kill me. So from now on I am the real me. No more nice guy faking it dumbing down agreeing with everything masking just to make other people feel better. I am a highly intelligent autistic female who happens to enjoy solitude and I will no longer adapt to society's expectations of playing nice. Everyone else needs to raise their expectations because I'm coming out as the real me and I may use long words and trample on stupid opinions. Thank you for reading, whomever. 😁
Hi Donna, I understand what you're saying! I had to accept that I didn't need to do things that put me at a disadvantage by default, which I would do by starting socialising and already buzzed to not be affected. Having a few drinks to turn your brain off was my biggest issue. Once I realised that self-preservation didn't mean I was selfish, that helped. When I realised an invitation was mine to accept or decline and that it wasn't an obligation, that helped. When I stopped attending family events just because they're family, that helped. Slowly but surely, I helped me, and I realised I didn't need to escape as much, which helped how much I consumed. As you say, you're far too intelligent to let it affect you too long too negatively. Always remember you're important too 👍🏻
Thanks for taking the time to compose a thoughtful reply; it is much appreciated and I feel a bit less weird knowing someone's on my wavelength. Thanks also for your sterling work making these videos. You're genuinely helping folk. All the best. 👍
I could have written this myself. As a woman it is even harder as society expects us to ‘play nice’ and cater to others needs with a smile on our faces. I don’t like to be alone all the time but I find socialising exhausting. Strangely I can always tell by how much my mascara has smudged under my eyes, I leave most social situations looking like a panda. I have used alcohol as a way of surviving since uni, I’m now 52. Sadly it stopped working for me many years ago and has impacted my life very negatively. I’m now always trying to stay sober. Christmas can be very tough as alcohol is literally everywhere. Was at long last diagnosed with ADHD this year but have been told I’m not autistic. I disagree and believe it’s far harder to recognise in a 52 yr old woman who has been masking all her life. I also have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which is fairly common within the neurodivergent community. This makes my pain and exhaustion even worse.
So relateble! I remember that when I drunk one to two beers and I felt complete and so incredibly happy, so alive. Very, very difficult to not drink when the effect is so strong and so positive. 18 years ago I stopped drinking because I could not control my drinking. I had to stop totally. I have stayed sober for 18 years now.
The way you describe your past use of alcohol really hits home with me. I had never really thought of it this way but you are very much correct. Drinking slowed my brain down enough to communicate more freely with neurotypical people. The usual chatter of overanalyzing and over observing myself and everything around me was dulled. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Hello, I am Autistic I was diagnosed young. Alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel "normal." I don't get sensory over load, I can convey my emotions with others, hold conversation, and enjoy it. My OCD and anxiety disappear. Thank you for your video and for sharing your experiences. It's made me feel less lonely.
Wow. Thank you for posting this video. I have struggled with alcohol-but you are the first person who mentioned one of my secret reasons why out loud. I also wanted to kill brain cells so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality I saw all around me, people behaving illogically, being cruel, being fake. I just wanted to be able to get on with most people, but alcohol made it even worse. It was a false sense of connection. Getting sober for me has meant getting comfortable with being lonely and refraining from judging others as it only drives compulsions that make me hurt myself and others. But yeah. In essence, I also drank to become stupider, and it’s very validating to know I am not alone (although I’m sorry you did that to yourself, too).
I’m 41. Kind of a big but sensitive blue collar person. My experience as living with autism really resonated with this. This is absolutely what my life and journey looked like. Every little bit. You’re blowing my mind sir. Thank you. You got a fan for life here.
Practically drinking myself to death alone some days, autism for sure but it feels practically illegal to talk about with most. Most of it escaping a rough situation unemployed two years, harassed the past decade of many jobs, and huge allostatic load from just too work culture, etc. Hangin in there, I went sober for 2 months and that still made a huge difference in the mood and overall wellbeing, life is easier to handle sober, tolerance is so much higher for stress. I need to step out of the dark cloud and focus on things that just matter more. The depression of alcohol seems to provoke thoughts of just not wanting to live, exaggerating things. I'm still coming to terms with the extreme societal fakeness...constant social facade... I can relate to this one for sure. Those without the jokes and sarcasm in a work group are just ostracized these days.
I really relate to that feeling of being left behind. I couldn’t just go thru life the way everyone else was. It was so painful, and nobody could help me or I was not finding answers. I now understand that this isn’t an accident. Our system wants these traits out of the population so it’s geared on purpose to disadvantage gifted people since we don’t make good cheap labor I guess.
@@AdultwithAutism I noticed with u as well that u have certain standards or expectations of the people around u and of the societal institutions. When those grossly fail us, it’s probably not by accident 😂 sorry if I’m a bit conspiracy theorist.
I just subscribed. I feel the exact same with drinking like it clears my mind and makes things slow down. I am detoxing now and trying to find new ways to decompress and slow down. This was really helpful and I especially relate to feeling like the world was fake and the anger I felt realizing it doesn't matter what you do just how it looks and I'm just now accepting it somewhat sorry to ramble just wanted to thank your for this video.
Thank you. I’m trying to quit. I feel like I resonate with everything you said. I found out last week I am autistic. Late diagnosis. I self diagnosed but took many tests and I just know also from my life experiences and also an IQ test. Thank you! I never knew how to explain my alcoholism except for I can see far too much and I cannot fit in without masking… I’m gradually meeting accepting people who I don’t have to mask around. I also don’t give a flying f about the work world anymore. I wish I could do what I like, but I have so many interests it’s hard to pivot and commit and also there are annoying people and systems everywhere. Thank you ❤
This is without a doubt the single most relatable video I've ever watched. I was diagnosed nearly 30 years ago and am now 37, but that's so true about using alcohol to slow things down, because that's the only time the brain doesn't feel completely wired with so much useless noise, and is where I think a lot of feelings of autism related anxiety comes from since there's never really a time where it feels like brain ever truly rests (even after sleep). I personally have only had positive experiences with alcohol (other than that first time where I didn't know my limits...), but there's always so many times I get back from work feeling like I'm holding back some unknown stress and just want to sit down and sip vodka for a few hours. And then once the weekend comes around I'm like "right, it's drinking time" because I've fooled myself into thinking it's one of the main things I look forward to in a week. I would love to give up alcohol for the most part, but I guess I still haven't quite figured out how to redirect all that pent up energy in a more beneficial way. Also, that's very true what you said about recalling details and conversations. Never lie to an autistic, because we will remember (even if we didn't intend to) and we will call you out for it.
Simplified perception, reducing things to the important fundamentals.... I relate to this so much! You do a superb job of explaining the appeal of alcohol's effects to someone who is on the spectrum.
Good topic for discussion Paul. I feel like there would be many autistic people who move towards alcohol and drugs as a way to cope with the NT world, as a way to come out of their shell, and it could easily become something they soon rely on (get addicted to).
I got to say Paul since my anxiety went up I've drank more to cope with it which in fact makes it worse.This comes from not having any area in life where I've excelled at.Have you gone through periods where your concentration is rubbish?
As a fellow adult with autism, ive always thought there was a strong connection between autism and developing an addiction. It makes sense, when you think about it. Typically, addictive behavior stems from our wish to distract ourselves from uncomfortable emotions and situations, which autistic people encounter on the daily. I struggled with addiction for years, because of this. It was my way of escaping from that uncomfortable feeling, but i didn't connect the link between my diagnosis and addiction until years later. Thank you for sharing your story.
As a masked autistic for all my life, I was dependent on alcohol for decades. Now I’m diagnosed v late in life I’m 4.5 years sober. Best thing ever BUT I know alcohol helped me in so many ways. I miss the crutch sometimes. Thank you for a great video x
I hear you there, but massive congrats on the sobriety. The feeling of waking up clean is worth the not drinking...but it is hard telling yourself that come an evening when you are burnt out!
I was diagnosed recently. I realize when I did socialize there was always wine coolers available or something everywhere I went. I was 16. Before that I was an A student and quiet. I always drank to socialize and have just realized that
Paul, I just have to comment on a related point you made in this video from 1 Year Ago: I too have a very very Sharp memory for things co-workers or bosses said/did in the workplace. Over the decades I have Lost Count of the number of times that they Denied ever doing/saying it - and I was then called a 'liar'.... Other workmates would NEVER back me up for fear of losing their jobs, and I was always on the Slippery Slope to getting laid-off or fired soon after. I'm Self Employed now, but the Hurt & Anger from the past still burns me up, for being the Truth Teller, & then being Humiliated and Scapegoated for it by Sociopath Pathalogical-liar Bosses & Cowards in my 'Team'.
51 autistic and managed to stop drinking 6 months ago, however very hard struggle to keep clean. I believe the hardest thing for Austic people is to live with the feeling of being alone and brain chatter.
As an adult that has audhd I sat and cried a lot to the beginning of this video. Today I really wanted to relapse but you just putting it into words and being vulnerable brought me back down. I don’t have the strength to not let myself spiral in the freedom but I’m incredibly proud of you for keeping a handle on it. Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone today. ❤
hey Paul thank you for doing these series videos it really helps us the viewer to get to know you more, i personally do not drink alcohol , as i used to drink cider recently i found out i may be allergic. Great video
I respect your video about autism and alcohol... It makes me so sad to think back on the years when I used to drink.. even though I never got to be dependent, I did use it trying to be social and fit in, etc. It never worked out for me and the older I got, the more my brain and body chemistry basically couldn't tolerate alcohol to the point where I felt like I was "allergic" to alcohol! I finally just quit it altogether 5 years ago and I don't miss it at all. I still remember the supposedly "good times with friends", but I don't have any desire for that anymore, because now I see the unfulfillment of the whole thing. It just ain't worth it. Plus I don't miss the traumatic events that also went along with the whole alcohol experience. 😢 Thank you for sharing your autism experience. ❤
A decongestant for the brain... Yes! Going to the bars young, then got carded for ID on my 21st bday - still imagine the shock on the faces of years-long servers. Employment and friendships were very complicated amid the fakeness. And trying to find an excuse/escape for me. Then what do we do as adults and keeping ourselves sane. You sum this up brilliantly with the warning of a crutch no matter one's age. Thanks!
Great video. We need more of this stuff. I was diagnosed this year at 50 and it's a struggle. It explains my issues with alcohol too but tbh its the only thing that calms me down as you describe. I've tried everything except pharmaceutical medication and refuse to. But I also know that booze affects GERD in the brain and is a double edged sword, I have panic disorder and alcohol makes it ten times worse. It really helps knowing other people are out there going through the same stuff. Good on you mate. Cheers. Liked & subscribed.
I gave up drinking 5 months ago now. I have mild autism with high IQ. I often feel like the world is doomed and everyone is so fake, but you made a really good point when you said you were faking it too. I realize that I was being just as fake, but trying less hard at it. I still really don't like how fake the world is, but I'm managing to block it out of my brain as much as possible without the use of a crutch.
As horrible as it sounds, the less you begin to care about the things you cannot control such as a fake world, the better your personal world becomes. At least it did for me. Losing that focus on things I couldn't fix or control just...helped.
The words you say, and how you explain, are very clearing to me! I recognize a lot of what you are telling. But what i still don't know, at 55 age, is weather or not it has to do with i have autism. I am still undiagnosed, but had these type of struggles a lot during my life... Meanwhile my whole life i kinda felt this way, though. And masked to fit in also. Thank you for sharing! 🙏🏻🍀
Thanks Paul for your unfiltered insights and your willingness to share. And, may I add, beautifully articulated. Your accumulated wisdom rings true. Like you, blunting the environmental overwhelms associated with a high IQ and/or being a HSP has definitely served a much needed purpose over the years (I'm 65). I'm still sorting things out after a Bipolar 2 diagnosis at 55 (no meds). Honestly, I just think that I just feel things way too much. My mind races constantly, playing out virtually every scenario possible to their logical (and illogical) conclusions as a defense mechanism. Thankfully, I receive disability here in the states or I might not still be here. I've been masking ever since kindergarten. I am exhausted. I had kids at 30 and have been white-knuckling ever since (twice divorced). As to reaching one's resiliency limits, I taught tennis for 40 years in overly-stimulating environments, to great detriment. I have no idea how I pulled it off with anxiety levels through the roof on a daily basis. What's that Rod Stewart song... I Wish That I Knew All I Know Now, When I Was Younger? One question: how do you know specifically that you are autistic, and not just a big-brained, highly sensitive guy with a turbocharged nervous system an awesome beard? Thanks, man! Good luck with your compensatory plight.
Many reasons, but I will settle on the fact I don't understand nearly every other person I meet! Their interest, the blinded commitment to following the path of life and societal norms. My reclusive nature due to it, and that it is much more natural to converse with other Autistic people. Myself and nearly everyone else (non-Autistic), it is like watching the same TV show called life, but we are watching it on two different channels 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism This video may or not apply. High IQ individuals are like their own separate species, running on intellect, unable to relate to the emotionally driven flock. ruclips.net/video/hgwg_c6sNKg/видео.htmlsi=n0AkaHYGtLU9tei_
It's like you're telling my story, brother. I, myself, don't drink anymore, but when I did it was for similar reasons, to be normal, to shut my brain off and stop seeing all the things that all the normal people didn't see and were blissfully unaware of. Glad I stumbled across your channel.
Hi ~ This is my third visit in a row :) you have such a different response and, I think, it was good for you when you were young. Later it got complicated. a glass of wine sure is relaxing, letting talk to people without anxiety🍷 I’m probably bothering you and everyone, but I want to say I so agree with you on IQ tests, and politicians - you broke that down so simply and succinctly. There is quite a lot going on in your head. I’m glad it doesn’t bother you as much now. 🙂🌷🌱
I started drinking regularly when I moved out of my parent's house and I with my boyfriend. I had my own fridge now and my own space and I found that alcohol at home after work would "help" me to wind down. It was liking the routine of having a drink every evening that began it. But once I had one, I always had 3. And as I'm hitting my late 20s it was becoming obvious it was a bad routine to have. I got scared for my liver and wanted to stop, but I'd developed a bit of dependence and so now at 29 I'm working on limiting myself now to maybe having one evening a week for drinks. Some weeks I have do that, others I do 2 days, some weeks none at all. It's a bit hilly now but it's better. But yes. Alcohol for me gave me control of what emotions I wanted to feel. My thing is having alcohol while listening to music in the evening. It's euphoric (at first). But if I get to that third drink... It stops feeling so good and I don't sleep well.
I relate to that very well. It became something to soften the daily average which others didn't even notice. Being affected by 'normality'. So I needed to create my own version. The problem is, most of my versions were detrimental in some form or another. But it is good to hear that you notice a pattern you could benefit being out of, and are making steps to move away from 👍🏻
Paul, I'm Di & I also have autism. I LOVE your channel....I relate to alot of your content. Glad I found your channel. I sought eval after burnout 9-2020...although it's sad/injustice....feels nice to know I'm not the only autistic who's gone through that. Cheers.
@@AdultwithAutism (Sorry...long-winded reply, can't help it). I've found some interesting things with autism lately. I didn't even know what autism was until 2020. I was dx'd w/ADD-inattentive type w/a slew of other shite at 16--I'm about to be 37 now. I started putting 2/2 together when I learned what burnout was. I just really needed to find out what happened to me....did I have a nervous breakdown. I am female...but I present more male/identify with alot of the struggles I hear my fellow male autistics describe. On that same note, I have met males that identify more with more female traits--I find this really interesting. ALSO--many times you said "waffle" I thought you were making waffles. I was like, "When is this man going to get his waffle...it's cold by now!" I don't normally think so literally I can't get that type of language...but maybe being American is why it threw me. I'm also a little shocked by what happened at your job...I know the UK is not perfect, but I thought you guys were light years ahead of the U.S. in research & the way the accommodated/treated workers. You're really providing alot of value to our community by sharing your story & what happened to you. Glad you're on YT--we need more like ye'.
I'm glad I've got some uses...and no, I definitely won't be making any waffles 😂 The UK is a terrible place currently. If people like living here, it's because they're in a privileged position. People like me take the penalties for everything, and the pension age...pretty sure I'll have to be 200 years old before I'm allowed to retire! But that's another topic for another day.
Everything you said could’ve been said by me. I can completely relate to the need to fit in, even trying to dumb myself down. Like you, my IQ was high, at 155, similar to yours. I also drank sometimes but worried about losing my intelligence and awareness. I didn’t fit in at all. “Ignorance is bliss” and not seeing and knowing what I saw and knew must, I thought, be lovely. Everyone will like me and I will see things the way they do. My memory, like yours, is photographic. I could recall what was said and when a recap. was made, and their statement was different than what they had said, my assertions of “you said this, not that”, was met with accusations of my erroneous recollection. Despite being perfect. I have gradually learnt to keep quiet and still understand and know but not to confront or challenge others or try to be the owner of objective truth. Nor, necessarily, to fit in. I accept that I don’t. Now I find myself thinking more about understanding what is going on with how I do see things; what is the meaning and significance of the patterns, what does it mean that something is valued from one perspective (e.g. right clothes) as compared with another (e.g. etiquette) or whether what is valuable is not the same as what is important and what is important is just as transmutable as what is valuable.
Totally relate to this......I successfully managed to kill alot of brain cells, tee total, finally understanding why my life has been the car crash it has, this helps, onwards and upwards
I understand 100% what you said about drinking Paul,when I was 18 I had a short time of unemployment and would have to sign on at my local job centre and it made me feel even more out of tune with the world,after a couple of weeks of doing this I would buy a small bottle of vodka just to be able to get through the job centre door, I stopped doing this as on my way back home on the train I went to get off as the train slowly pulled into the station and totally misjudged how fast the train was going and landed flat on my face, after a stern telling of by the train guard I vowed never to drink in the daytime again, thankfully all trains are now built with electric doors that will automatically open when the train stops so that any numpties like I was hopefully won’t have this happen to them.
Hello Paul, brilliant observations and message. I too have experienced this 'dark' side of autism. Relying on alcohol for almost 2 decades, since the age of 13, to survive this intense reality that we face. However, I didn't know about my Autism until I sought a diagnosis last year at age 34. Today I am somewhere around 4 years alcohol-free - woo! I actually started my YT channel before I knew about my autism - simply focussing on trying to spread a positive message about recovery. This is such an expansive conversation and topic, and there is so much work to be done from school age - onward. I am now sitting here pondering what else I can do going forward, to advocate for other autistic women and girls. Seeing as that's where my lived experience lies. I love your honesty and your bravery. I don't miss any of that life I led before. I love my new quiet, soft life out in nature - It is my TRUE freedom! 😁
Absolutely incredible - Thank you so much for verbalising so perfectly how I have felt all my life. Everything you said is just spot on. It helps to make me feel not so alone.
I'm 42 (was diagnosed when 35) now and I stopped drinking a few years back because it just started being gross to me. I was physically dependent on it for probably 20 years, starting at age 19. And I also drank for the reasons you spoke of. I definitely killed tons and tons brain cells. Also never cared much what people thought of me, never got confidence from it. Detoxing from alcohol was one of the hardest things I ever did. I don't really miss it though. Just didn't wanna do it anymore.
This was an incredible watch. I don’t know if it’s sunk in what you’ve done with this video but I don’t think I’ve ever unpacked this as much as I have through watching this. Thank you for being vulnerable + honest.
Hey Paul, I didn’t really start drinking until I was 30. My dad had a problem with alcohol for a short time when I was a kid. Plus I learned in my 20’s the an attribute of ADHD was low impulse control so I was afraid I would become addicted. Now I enjoy a gin & tonic now and then and sometimes a glass of wine. It does slow the brain down so that is nice on occasion. Another great video!
Good job, you have dealt with the same one feels when addicted to alcohol, or drinking excessively, or taking any other intoxicants, shame that makes one feel like they need to hide it from others often. But in my opinion, it becomes shame when one loses track of the amounts consumed, or money spent on, and cannot stop. There is no need to become an abstinent, keeping a track so it is just an occasional thing is just fine. I had my feel too. For absurd reasons like thinking it will make me belong to that group, or another, but in my twenties, I so desperately wanted to have friends. I know now It is not possible with just anybody, that there is not many compatible with us to form a bond, but I managed to find one friend, and we stick together. Fakeness - why would anybody want that, be OK with that, right? Yet, they are, and so they stop at ‘seeming’, never realising, never finding out, or having the need, or feeling the need to realise that there is as well a ‘meaning’, to everything we do. And they are soaked in it, all those meaningless pleasantries are nothing more but seeming without meaning. I wrote a short story about fictional character, coded autistic, having their first taste of alcohol, and how it affected them, and dimmed their senses. If you would like to have a go at it shayboski.blogspot.com/2022/04/a-day-on-planet-earth.html
@@AdultwithAutism Thank you. Without including inner monologues as a part of a story it wouldn't make much sense, it would be like watching other people everyday and wondering "What is going on?"
Hindsight is 20:20 , literally! The detailed recall of the abusive things that my wife would say to me during her meltdowns destroyed our marriage after 26 years. When things really started to fall apart and we would revisit pain from the past she would ask. Why did you stop doing this and why did you start doing that? Because that's what you wanted me to do. That's what you said... My memory of the events was so detailed that I could recall the weather outside, the direction I was facing, where we were standing in the house, the tone of her voice and the exact words she said. Her fantasy world came apart when I started recording to have proof that I was telling the truth. And even after hearing herself say the words on the recording she would still deny and say that's not what she was saying. "What were we even talking about that day?" "That's a different time". "Why are you so mean to me?" For over 20 years I overlooked the occasional false accusation. But later it became daily "gas lighting" and constant meltdowns from holding her accountable to her words and actions. During those moments she would lose all control and do things totally out of character. I would have forgiven her and move past the pain if she would have just stopped calling me a liar and stopped abusing me behind closed doors. I would not give up on her, our marriage, or our family, so she ended it officially by sleeping with one of her co-workers. " I did that! , to end this." That time we agreed, "It's over." All the pain that had led up to that moment kicked off soul searching and a deep dive into research. I knew my wife was autistic long before she did, but what I did not know is that she was a covert narcissist and then became a full-blown malignant out of her mind narcissist who has destroyed her own world and our children's.
Cheers! Figured I may as well have one while watching ;-) Paul, I'm amazed at how you can do this in "one take"... I tend to get "off track" so quickly, and then am self-conscious that I can't remember what the original point was. Anyway, you've absolutely nailed it (for me) with the IQ tests and drinking... and that you're "faking" just to be normal and everyone else is faking to "get ahead". I've often wondered if RUclips "tells" you at what point in the video someone hits the like button... but that was it for me. Toggled it on and off several times for good measure! ;-) As always, enjoyed the video... and am definitely looking forward to the next ones. Take care.
Haha, cheers Nathan. You might see one take, but what you don't see are the 20 failed attempts that came before it. My blooper reel would be 4 times longer than each video with putting my foot in it 😂
I can get the mode of trying to fix or right everything in the world. Very black and white thinking. I try to keep to the mindset of righting a few little things a day these days. It might be picking up the trash in my neighborhood or giving someone struggling to walk the offer of an arm to cross the street. The little things that I do on my own around my apartment complex. I might clean something that needs a clean. I might weed a garden. I see the details that others do not see. I need no praise or attention for doing so. I have used my detailed orientated skills to help my community. Doing so gives me enjoyment. I can walk by something that was a total mess and think to myself...."I made that better."
It's a good way to be. If it brings you enjoyment and you need nothing from it, only the knowledge you have made something better, then I can't see much wrong with that at all.
Thanks for making this video Paul. I really identified with a lot of the things you said in this video. I had very similar experiences to you when I was in my late teens and twenties except I didn’t have a home to turn to. Autism is mean to be a developmental delay and when I think about it, it just took me longer to get out of my early twenties than all of my peers.
Love the confidence wisdom and totally agree, it's primarily needed by those who depend on how others think about them - and perhaps by the wiring and not so much by insecurities and what not.
I live by it. I know I am not a bad person, and I know I don't want to wrong people either. I give a version of myself to others than treats others like I have known them forever and offer a level of respect. If they choose to dislike that person, that's their issue not mine.
I resonate so much with you, idk if I have autism, probably a bit, ... always feel like I don't belong... had a really hard time growing up. Now however I became really strong and independent as a result and I kind of like that now... and trust, fairness are so important to me, it really tilts me if something is unfair. However I don't really drink alcohol unless I go party or such. But I do need a lot of alone time to recharge and feel well.
Its amazing how every topic hits so close to my heart. Alcohol got me thru a lot of social situations when i was younger, but then it lost what i wanted it to do for my inner demons. Its funny isnt it that i gave up drinking 12 years ago and havent heard a dickie bird from my old acquaintances, and now im very happy not to have contact with so many shallow people. You brought it up on another video abt telling someone abt having autism its like i told em i was inhuman or something from the responses you get including family. Also i ended meeting my wife in aa and we are both dry together and she gets my autism coz our 10 year old is autistic and she struggles with stuff too, coz otherwise no other type of partner would work for me as it would be too toxic without a doubt.Forgive me for essay. Gaz
I'm 26yo, in my first job out of uni, just recently convinced I'm autistic (adult diagnosis is pretty much impossible where I am)... This resonates with me so much. I drink to drown my brain out. It doesn't seem to work as well lately. And the ridiculous thing is, even when I was near passed out drunk with work mates a while back, I STILL couldn't go talk to girls like they did. It's like even when 99% of my brain is fried from the stuff, there's still that autistic 1% "supervisor" screwing me up. I should stop, I have to stop, and I know it, just like I know I should stop vaping and eat better and exercise and whatnot but it's hard. None of it brings joy or even "relaxedness".
This hit home for so damn many reasons. I have always since childhood had problems sleeping and knew i was very different. fast forward to after a break up on my behalf with the absolutely sweetest woman on the planet (never had sleep issues laying with her at night, and the most frequent sex of my life-no doubt there is a correlation) to 20 freaking years of a average of a 12 pack a night just to be able to quiet my damn mind and be able to sleep because there was no way i would get more then a cat nap at BEST. I too have had multiple tests thought my life for IQ starting at 8th grade and then into the Navy after i took the entrance exam and the guy stared at me strange and then got his partner to look at the results and then HE stared at me.... Learned a long time ago to just leave the numbers out of the conversations. thank you sir for this video
Damn, I understand getting clarity when having a few drinks. I struggle without it in a social environments, even 1-1 situations, but have flirted with drinking too much, including drinking solo without any social component at all.
Thank You for this video! I love your accent. How do you handle life as an autistic person? How do you find peace, and make a successful life for yourself? I'm asking for my brother who is an alcoholic, and believes he has autism and always has, but no one "noticed" or figured it out. I want him to go get a diagnosis (whatever it turns out to be) by a professional therapist. Meanwhile, I don't know what I can do to help him cope with his f/u life. 🥺
All that has happened since I quit is I don’t get my weekly freedom that I used to get. Drinking was definitely an escape but I believe it was highly therapeutic for me also.. I though quitting might make me feel better but nah.
I had my first drink the same year I turned 20, before that I was so isolated and only stayed at home. I could finally "connect" with people because all my inhibitions lowered and the things that bothered me didn't matter as much. It felt like I was finally living life, but my apathy for my future was always in the back of my mind. Having a drink would make me numb to those thoughts, so basically, I traded off the future for the moment. The reason I put "connect" in quotation mark above is because all of the people I've met when I've been drinking never led anywhere except to more drinking and drugs. And so for the past 9 years, it have been a real rollercoaster in my addictions. I went from only drinking when celebrating, to every other weekend, to every weekend and to every day - and the worst of times was when I drank by myself because I have an addictive personality and high alcohol tolerance, so I didn't notice how drunk I'd get until it was too late. However, four years ago I got my first job at 26 years old, right out of college as the pandemic started. It was so exciting because I got to work with my special interest on a daily basis, and I can't get enough of it, I want to do it on my free time as well. But where I live (Sweden) it's a painful process to just get an apartment to rent, so I was sharing an apartment with a guy I know from college, commuting for 6 hours every day to and from work. That took a lot of mental energy out of me, my new life style couldn't support my drinking habit and so I naturally dialled back on it to only drink on Fridays or Saturdays. But last year when I turned 29, and I just felt the birthday dread I always feel because none except for my parents would congratulate me, all the people I considered friends or acquaintances over the years were silent again. I had a real urge to go out and drink to numb my feelings, but I caught myself thinking of that and thought how I would feel the day after and decided it was not worth it. So right there and then I decided that I'm going to spend my last year in my 20's sober. So, I'm soon 11 months sober, and I just got my first apartment a few weeks ago after having been in the housing queue for years, and I got to say, even if I haven't solved my loneliness, life feels pretty good now and I'm looking forward to what's next. I don't know if I'm going to be sober indefinitely, but one thing I know for sure is that I never want to drink when I'm by myself again.
Everything has a time and a place, and as you say for you, drinking isn't when you're alone. I always have to move my boundaries to make sure they work, and also keep an eye on if I start to slip.
Same experience for me, with weed, psychedelics, etc., too. Suddenly the overthinking stops and you just got you. Doing a small amount of shrooms made my anxiety disappear, my second-guessing, the endless calculation of scenarios were gone, and I was just.. me. Chill. Honest. Authentic. And not mad. Even caffeine has this effect on me, which leads me to consider the role of dopamine. Apparently they allow ADHD medication for autistic people in the UK now, so it will probably spread. I need more widespread voltage in my brain, so I won't just run a few specific ones to death while abandoning others. I really despise people overall for the same reasons you state, but damn, would I love to just even out, be mellow, forever, like them. I could actually get through life that way.
Stumbled upon this from studying my INTJ personality type. People have also joked and called me an Aspie. I was sober for a year and then moderate but then to many traumas happened since 2020 and I’m back to drinking daily. I’d love to get sober again and I wasn’t even that anxious but I don’t trust the medical establishment anymore.
Started drinking at 16. Going to pubs dressing up to look older and getting served. Yes, the novelty did wear off as soon as I turned 18 too. I drank heavily throughout my twenties just to fit in with friends and extended family. I felt like a different person when I had a few drinks. There is no way I could have socialised without alcohol. In my thirties I just suddenly stopped enjoying it and I no longer drink now. Even one drink makes me feel ill.
Giftedness traits and ASD traits overlap around 35% and more the higher the IQ climbs. I am a gifted woman and your comments are very much like what it is to live life as gifted. I come to ASD sites as ASD has more info and discussion on the traits that make things challenging. One of the reasons I mask and have since childhood is that people will apply everything negative to being high IQ and will go out of their way to hurt you or, bully and then shun. It can lead to horrid burnout and when the mask slips, it risks your job. Giftedness is the hardware difference for data processing. Broadens bandwidth for how many things you can keep in mind, what kind of connections you can see. To really see it in full action...the desired savant state neurotypicals try to make gifted kids become to be their version of successful requires being consumed by one interest above anything else and not be in a neurotypical social structure in the work place. It's that hyper focus that clears all the thought jumble racing through ones head and designing your own environment to cut down or out issues with hypersensitivity is essential. It stops meltdowns, it cuts out rumination, combine routine for self care things and inner/outer world becomes more peaceful . Sleep issues become non issues. Giftedness is hated and when looking for societies for help or similar people to connect with all you find is neurotypicals creating "everyone is gifted" groups...gifted at hat wearing, gifted at laughter, gifted at knitting. Its neural wiring differences not gifted is you're the best at something. In society, you are thought to magically become neurotypical as soon as you're an adult..like an adult gifted person is a mythological beast. Brain damage to be less tormented and out of place in this world, I used to think a good head injury to kill neurons would make life less painful because of the clash of mind types leaving me drained and an outsider. Know both sides, ASD and Gifted, notice same traits but in ASD most traits are titled with negative connotation. Understand why it's seen that way by neurotypicals and understand even more. I recommend anyone neurodivergent learns about the other mind types, it's often a blur of misdiagnosis. You are both, you won't fully know yourself unless you dig into Giftedness as well. It's no fairy tale as society likes to make it. You can still hide, I do, masking as needed is a defence, but consider separating what is public belief on Giftedness vs what it actually is, as it does really help.
@@AdultwithAutism You are quite similar to me and so many things make more sense and are easier for me now that I see different sides of the same traits and look at aspects of ASD, ADHD and Giftedness as interconnected by hyper nervous system connection/density. Plus, for peace of mind, find books on neurotypical minds by neurodivergent people, had I known when I was younger, much of the struggles would have disappeared. Band width issues and limitations on what can be processed and perceived is very real in neurotypicals. Have to accommodate that mind types disabilities too, even when part of their traits is to deny differences or disabilities. Lots of weird social hierarchy things are built into social interactions with that type of mind, sussing up rank positions and usefulness. Think of it as limited band width for data and data processing and compensation is outsourcing to other people by ties of alliance. It's eye opening to learn what small talk is and the hidden rules of interaction. It has to do with basically the mentality of "more for me" and a system of owing favours. It's like something I would have expected out of a sci-fi novel but it's true. Zero sum gamers. It's good you do this public work. It's helped me because it is real and gives a better perspective. Thanks!
I do like the feeling after a drink, but I rarely drink and if I do it's because it's nice (usually family) meeting or just an evening with a movie. And it always has to be tasty.. sweet wine (4 or 5), liqueur, kopparberg, mojito. Funnily enough, I have been really drunk only a few times and I normally have a really good visual memory but then especially, the memories are so vivid and I do remember how funny I acted, still some of the best memories... It's good and pretty amazing actually that you never got addicted with the amounts you drank.
Sounds like you have a really sweet tooth when it comes to it! I think because I drank for the feeling i was fixated on, the other reasons people drink never came into play. I also don't have an addictive personality and can leave anything behind if I don't want it.
When i drink i feel i get to say what i really mean. But after a few more drinks, i may snap. Its scary for others to watch, and really hurts me, fisically and emotionally. Only now im realizing the damage alcohol makes in me. Salutes from brazil thanks for bringing ip this topic
Oof, yet another topic I relate to. I was masking so much and drinking heavily to slow my racing brain and in order to fit it. The problem is, they liked the buzzed or drunk me. I began to think that was my best self, but I was very disillusioned about it all. In my 20s it felt like a competition while out "socially drinking" to be able to drink the most or more importantly handle it the best. Having Irish roots and alcoholism in my family, I was really good at handling my alcohol. Too good. Being competitive is not in my true nature, neither is standing out. I want to be appreciated and noticed in less overt ways. A final thought - it's good to take breaks from things. Be aware of what you're doing and try not to go straight to self-criticism and self-hate (easier said than done).
43 years old here, been sober for 6 months. Funny thing is when you mention the women and confidence thing, cause that's one reason I drank. But I know, I am an alcoholic because of my crazy thought that now with high self esteem with sobriety, treatment and counseling, how good would I feel if I drink Now. That's crazy I think that
I was an alcoholic when i was a teenager. I used alcohol because it removed my social anxiety and depression but it quickly became a problem. I now feel no desire to drink any more so i can have a glass or 2 of beer or wine every now and then and be fine. Im not anxious or depressed now. Alcohol definitly made me feel happy and when i was sober i was depressed so i drank all the time to stay happy.
I had a period in my 20s where I drank too much, was more to try to fit in during social events. I'd always fail at doing so and just keep drinking until blacking out and making a fool out of myself in one way or another. My real vice that I still use as a crutch is weed, it just takes away so much of the noise that I normally have going on. I do think a lot of it is chasing the feeling of calm in my mind and just numbing things. It's not healthy but I struggle otherwise.
I know the feeling of needing something to help, but it's allowing yourself the time to find other ways less detrimental to help. An overnight solution just isn't there, but slow and steady mate and I'm sure you can come away from your crutch as you did alcohol. Just remember it has to be something that works for you, not the desires of the masses 👍🏻
Products w/small amts of thc% are now legal in TX (where I am) thanks to the Compassion Act. You are eligible if you have autism or PTSD. I used to smoke weed alot--I do occassionally. I hate relying on anything-I'm too independent & it annoys me. I have my medical marijuana card--although TX hasn't quite figured out to make a great product yet. The THC edibles are ok--but EXPENSIVE & usually fat based-which fucks with my stomach. I don't look at weed as a drug now...for some, with autism/epilepsy/PTSD....societal/mental models are changing to "medicine" vs "drugs." Thought you might find that interesting. Anxiety is such a big part of an autistics life---it's the mid-brain you're trying to get to chill out. So I feel, neurologically people are looking for something/anything to feel calm/sense of homeostasis. I used to drink alot from 16-28 to fit in & anxiety. I still can't face social gatherings, without a glass of wine or something. I really don't like hanging out with other people lol.
Fair enough. Not the case on this side of the pond. We have a useless PM who is currently wanting home workers in offices as he thinks being at home means you eat too much cheese (true story), so I can't see him looking at any bill to decriminalise marijuana! 😂
I tell you.. I do very similar. I still drink. I don't need it... I enjoy it. And it isn't just drinking it that I enjoy. I love the hunt for unique things. I am into whiskey at this point. I love how complex whiskey is. I collect whiskey. I read books about whiskey. I am working up my own mash bills for whiskey. I visit whiskey distilleries... I am a tour guide, for one day a week, at a distillery (I can talk about whiskey). It is tough how things get. But I do it for enjoyment and a sense of calm (again, not just the drinking). I rarely get drunk. I like to really sit with the nose and the flavor and understand it and pick it apart. I get into the chemistry, as well. I tell you... know we've both had a fair share of issues with people. But if you ever pop over to the midwest in the US... ping me and I will take you to a distillery over here. Not to get you drunk... not even to drink, if you don't want to ... but it is just something that seems tailored to an autistic brain. And we can sit there, talk about distilleries for a bit... and if it is too much talking... we can also just stair at a wall. You seem like a down to earth autistic guy and you don't have time for the drama that is in the autistic community... and I completely relate. If not, best wishes to you, either way, and thank you for sharing. It is truly appreciated. EDIT: Oh... probably worth mentioning. I watch all of your content.. and I am usually watching it while sipping on whiskey. I was experimenting with blending some aged rum with whiskey because I am thinking of buying a single barrel from a distillery and finishing it in a rum cask. I just have to figure out the distribution part of it. I want to at least break even on the endeavor. :)
I had noticed the exact same thing about alcohol, it just decongests my brain and gets rid of all the social inhibitions that plagued my life. I also noticed something similar with anesthesia, anytime I got a procedure done it feels like I would mentally be cleared up for about a week or 2 before going back to my usual self. Now if only the ways to slow myself down werent literally toxic to me
"I was drinking to just try to kill brain-cells, so i could fit in with everyone else" - this hit home, felt i couldnt say it though, because it may be misunderstood as arrogance lol. thanks for the video!
another thing was, when people pointed alcohol could shorten your life-span, i'd think, good lol, to be done with the stress of just existing.
Haha, I make a fool out of myself enough to thankfully not be accused of arrogance...Well, hopefully so 👍🏻
This hits better than any drug I've ever done.
Oh this is me..
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Yeah mine was whatever I can get my hands on when the councilor asked me what drugs I had done in my life I said it would be easier for me to tell you the drugs that I haven't done he says you're joking right?
Sadly no!But drugs and alcohol got boring and over time stopped working.And getting and finding drugs is very stressful,full of risks and having to deal with people especially people you dont know or know if they are gonna rob you arrest you or even harm you.Nope that had to go.
But because of this my ability to overcome addiction was as easy as getting bored with a game or a hobby you just leave it and move on to the next.But eventually it just does nothing but maintain that addiction and thats it.
I'm 57 I started drinking and partying at 15. The alcohol helped me with the overload of noise movement, drama, overbearing people, unsafety of being at pubs and clubs.
I stopped drinking completely before covid and nowadays I'm very thankful for the peace and serenity in my life. I'm adhd and autistic undiagnosed because the NHS have refused my diagnosis.
I do wild swimming and running now, living the best life I can. I'm single because I can't cope with intimate relationships, I was married and raised 2 kids, I prefer staying single.
Sounds like finding YOUR path is paying better dividends than the life you tried to fit into 👍🏻
Nice. 57 also and ADHD and ASD. Gave up the booze 15 years back. Keep at it. Best C
Wow I love this ❤… this sounds like a future I could atleast be more at peace with myself with … kinda in the same boat … thank you for this comment 🙏
I really agree with you with the way alcohol makes you feel. It's not that it calms my anxiety. It slows my mind down. It makes me feel like how I imagine other people feel. Just makes me feel normal.
That's what I always imagined too. Only time I felt I was tuned to the same frequency as others 👍🏻
Totally relate. My mind is always running and constantly analyzing every aspect of any situation that is currently going on. With a few beers it seemed like this is how a normal person feels when they casually can be social and talk to people. Maybe there is a natural reason why my brain Is Wired like that A coping mechanism to stay out of danger And always be aware of my surroundings. LOL
xanax is also great for isssues likes this but its unhealthy if taken too often
Yeah same, I get the normal feeling in the first few drinks.
48 year old late diagnosed here. I can relate to this so much. I am pretty dependent on alcohol for much of my adult life and I absolutely hate that I need it to socialize. It just makes everything quieter so I can think, but then I feel worse later.
I've reached the stage where any of it just makes me sluggish the day after.
@@AdultwithAutism Yes definitely. I’m getting pretty sick of that feeling too. It’s just not helping like it used to. I’ve been cutting back and I feel better.
As a 41 year old with autism, and dependant alcoholism, praise you for cutting back.The point was made, I hope I can absorb the philosophy.
The fun had gone, and it didn't do what it used to.
You can do it. I gave up booze with Alcoholics Anonymous for 23 years. I do drink now but it’s minor compared to how it was. I had years I’d psychotherapy too snd it’s helped me a lot. Good luck man.
@@madamdardiswow congratulations
I did drink A LOT. Once I fully accepted and began to like and appreciate the autism, and EFF everyone else…. That need just went away.
Over all, I’d rather be autistic than the insanity that is neurotypical.
If you are truly physically dependent, please seek a qualified health practitioner. People who are physically dependent should be medically withdrawn. Between delirium tremens and cardiac/blood pressure risks, serious complications are not uncommon and can be fatal.
I wasn't physically dependent, so I just supplemented Thiamine (Vitamin B1)...
Thank you for sharing. I can honestly say our lives have a strange mirroring affect. You have said and pointed out some of my own struggles.
Wow! You helped me understand many aspects of my adult daughter. Her need to drink to feel vulnerable. Brilliant with numbers, angry when sober, intolerant of what she calls “Stupid People”, invalidating of anyone who makes mistakes in life, blaming me then holding on to fantasies of her childhood. Denial that she MAY need someone to be there for her, that it’s everyone else’s fault that she is so confused about life. Love the bones of her. She was diagnosed on the spectrum at 17, but by then she hated me.
Sorry to read that Lisa, I can relate to everything you've put there. I went through all that too. The littlest mistake anyone would make from a lapse of concentration and the way I reacted...you'd think a crime had been committed.
For me, I had to learn to compartmentalise what I can and cannot control, and then forget about what I can control, because I found it was that section of life that consumed me. Once I taught myself to do and only put my effort and interest in what I actually can control, then I relaxed a little. But it took most of my life to figure that out, and how to do it effectively.
I hope it can improve in time.
I really appreciate your honesty. In that spirit, I'm still in bed with a hangover. Alcohol is going to kill me (accidental suicide, the doctor said).
So after a late diagnosis of autism last year I'm doing a bit of self-analysis so I can be my authentic self and give up the fake Donna.
I've always said I drink because I need a holiday from my head. The constant overthinking and worrying...I just need to kill it for a few hours!
But also the ONLY time I can stand other people, online or in person, is by using alcohol. I never socialise sober. I've got about an hours limit on family or anyone really before I need to hit the bottle.
But it needs to change because I hate myself now too. I am not this stupid and weak to let alcohol kill me. So from now on I am the real me. No more nice guy faking it dumbing down agreeing with everything masking just to make other people feel better.
I am a highly intelligent autistic female who happens to enjoy solitude and I will no longer adapt to society's expectations of playing nice. Everyone else needs to raise their expectations because I'm coming out as the real me and I may use long words and trample on stupid opinions. Thank you for reading, whomever. 😁
Hi Donna,
I understand what you're saying! I had to accept that I didn't need to do things that put me at a disadvantage by default, which I would do by starting socialising and already buzzed to not be affected. Having a few drinks to turn your brain off was my biggest issue.
Once I realised that self-preservation didn't mean I was selfish, that helped. When I realised an invitation was mine to accept or decline and that it wasn't an obligation, that helped. When I stopped attending family events just because they're family, that helped. Slowly but surely, I helped me, and I realised I didn't need to escape as much, which helped how much I consumed.
As you say, you're far too intelligent to let it affect you too long too negatively. Always remember you're important too 👍🏻
Thanks for taking the time to compose a thoughtful reply; it is much appreciated and I feel a bit less weird knowing someone's on my wavelength. Thanks also for your sterling work making these videos. You're genuinely helping folk. All the best. 👍
Thanks Donna, if I can help, I always will.
You sound like my twin
I could have written this myself. As a woman it is even harder as society expects us to ‘play nice’ and cater to others needs with a smile on our faces. I don’t like to be alone all the time but I find socialising exhausting. Strangely I can always tell by how much my mascara has smudged under my eyes, I leave most social situations looking like a panda. I have used alcohol as a way of surviving since uni, I’m now 52. Sadly it stopped working for me many years ago and has impacted my life very negatively. I’m now always trying to stay sober. Christmas can be very tough as alcohol is literally everywhere. Was at long last diagnosed with ADHD this year but have been told I’m not autistic. I disagree and believe it’s far harder to recognise in a 52 yr old woman who has been masking all her life. I also have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which is fairly common within the neurodivergent community. This makes my pain and exhaustion even worse.
So relateble! I remember that when I drunk one to two beers and I felt complete and so incredibly happy, so alive. Very, very difficult to not drink when the effect is so strong and so positive.
18 years ago I stopped drinking because I could not control my drinking. I had to stop totally. I have stayed sober for 18 years now.
That's amazing. Long may it continue 👍🏻
The way you describe your past use of alcohol really hits home with me. I had never really thought of it this way but you are very much correct. Drinking slowed my brain down enough to communicate more freely with neurotypical people. The usual chatter of overanalyzing and over observing myself and everything around me was dulled. Thank you so much for sharing this.
No problem at all 👍🏻
Yes same, it felt like it dulled things to how normal people feel o theorized. I find weed does it too but yeah u can b dependant on that too
Hello, I am Autistic I was diagnosed young. Alcohol is the only thing that makes me feel "normal." I don't get sensory over load, I can convey my emotions with others, hold conversation, and enjoy it. My OCD and anxiety disappear. Thank you for your video and for sharing your experiences. It's made me feel less lonely.
Glad it helped 👍🏻
Wow. Thank you for posting this video. I have struggled with alcohol-but you are the first person who mentioned one of my secret reasons why out loud. I also wanted to kill brain cells so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality I saw all around me, people behaving illogically, being cruel, being fake. I just wanted to be able to get on with most people, but alcohol made it even worse. It was a false sense of connection. Getting sober for me has meant getting comfortable with being lonely and refraining from judging others as it only drives compulsions that make me hurt myself and others. But yeah. In essence, I also drank to become stupider, and it’s very validating to know I am not alone (although I’m sorry you did that to yourself, too).
I’m 41. Kind of a big but sensitive blue collar person. My experience as living with autism really resonated with this. This is absolutely what my life and journey looked like. Every little bit. You’re blowing my mind sir. Thank you. You got a fan for life here.
Many thanks 👍🏻
2 years and 1 month alcohol-free after a good 20 years. I'm so glad I did that work. Life is a lot better.
Really good to hear that
“The lack of ability to foresee the future and the stresses it could bring” … this made me tear up a bit … feeling understood for the first time ❤
Wow! I’ve never heard someone speak my exact relationship with alcohol and my thought process so accurately! 😳
Practically drinking myself to death alone some days, autism for sure but it feels practically illegal to talk about with most.
Most of it escaping a rough situation unemployed two years, harassed the past decade of many jobs, and huge allostatic load from just too work culture, etc. Hangin in there, I went sober for 2 months and that still made a huge difference in the mood and overall wellbeing, life is easier to handle sober, tolerance is so much higher for stress. I need to step out of the dark cloud and focus on things that just matter more. The depression of alcohol seems to provoke thoughts of just not wanting to live, exaggerating things.
I'm still coming to terms with the extreme societal fakeness...constant social facade... I can relate to this one for sure.
Those without the jokes and sarcasm in a work group are just ostracized these days.
I really relate to that feeling of being left behind. I couldn’t just go thru life the way everyone else was. It was so painful, and nobody could help me or I was not finding answers. I now understand that this isn’t an accident. Our system wants these traits out of the population so it’s geared on purpose to disadvantage gifted people since we don’t make good cheap labor I guess.
There is certainly a reason why non Autistic people 'gatekeep' Autism, and always want to find where it comes from rather than accepting it.
@@AdultwithAutism I noticed with u as well that u have certain standards or expectations of the people around u and of the societal institutions. When those grossly fail us, it’s probably not by accident 😂 sorry if I’m a bit conspiracy theorist.
Only keep people around who genuinely want the best for you...the 'accidents' severely reduce 👍🏻
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I just subscribed. I feel the exact same with drinking like it clears my mind and makes things slow down. I am detoxing now and trying to find new ways to decompress and slow down. This was really helpful and I especially relate to feeling like the world was fake and the anger I felt realizing it doesn't matter what you do just how it looks and I'm just now accepting it somewhat sorry to ramble just wanted to thank your for this video.
Hi Tinisha, really glad it was helpful. You can ramble as much as you like, I do it non-stop in every video so don't worry about it!
Ditto!!!
You explain really well
Thank you. I’m trying to quit. I feel like I resonate with everything you said. I found out last week I am autistic. Late diagnosis. I self diagnosed but took many tests and I just know also from my life experiences and also an IQ test. Thank you! I never knew how to explain my alcoholism except for I can see far too much and I cannot fit in without masking… I’m gradually meeting accepting people who I don’t have to mask around. I also don’t give a flying f about the work world anymore. I wish I could do what I like, but I have so many interests it’s hard to pivot and commit and also there are annoying people and systems everywhere. Thank you ❤
Good to hear you related. And it's really good to hear you are owning your own world now, and not trying to make a square peg fit a round hole 👍🏼
This is without a doubt the single most relatable video I've ever watched. I was diagnosed nearly 30 years ago and am now 37, but that's so true about using alcohol to slow things down, because that's the only time the brain doesn't feel completely wired with so much useless noise, and is where I think a lot of feelings of autism related anxiety comes from since there's never really a time where it feels like brain ever truly rests (even after sleep). I personally have only had positive experiences with alcohol (other than that first time where I didn't know my limits...), but there's always so many times I get back from work feeling like I'm holding back some unknown stress and just want to sit down and sip vodka for a few hours. And then once the weekend comes around I'm like "right, it's drinking time" because I've fooled myself into thinking it's one of the main things I look forward to in a week. I would love to give up alcohol for the most part, but I guess I still haven't quite figured out how to redirect all that pent up energy in a more beneficial way.
Also, that's very true what you said about recalling details and conversations. Never lie to an autistic, because we will remember (even if we didn't intend to) and we will call you out for it.
Really good to know it was relatable. Thank you 👍🏻
Simplified perception, reducing things to the important fundamentals.... I relate to this so much! You do a superb job of explaining the appeal of alcohol's effects to someone who is on the spectrum.
Many thanks. Just being honest 👍🏻
Good topic for discussion Paul. I feel like there would be many autistic people who move towards alcohol and drugs as a way to cope with the NT world, as a way to come out of their shell, and it could easily become something they soon rely on (get addicted to).
I agree. That initial feeling it brought me was addictive, thankfully the alcohol wasn't for me.
I got to say Paul since my anxiety went up I've drank more to cope with it which in fact makes it worse.This comes from not having any area in life where I've excelled at.Have you gone through periods where your concentration is rubbish?
As a fellow adult with autism, ive always thought there was a strong connection between autism and developing an addiction. It makes sense, when you think about it. Typically, addictive behavior stems from our wish to distract ourselves from uncomfortable emotions and situations, which autistic people encounter on the daily. I struggled with addiction for years, because of this. It was my way of escaping from that uncomfortable feeling, but i didn't connect the link between my diagnosis and addiction until years later.
Thank you for sharing your story.
As a masked autistic for all my life, I was dependent on alcohol for decades. Now I’m diagnosed v late in life I’m 4.5 years sober. Best thing ever BUT I know alcohol helped me in so many ways. I miss the crutch sometimes. Thank you for a great video x
I hear you there, but massive congrats on the sobriety. The feeling of waking up clean is worth the not drinking...but it is hard telling yourself that come an evening when you are burnt out!
@@AdultwithAutism absolutely. I’m very much like you with my ‘asocial’ thing. I’m better not being around people x
I was diagnosed recently. I realize when I did socialize there was always wine coolers available or something everywhere I went. I was 16. Before that I was an A student and quiet. I always drank to socialize and have just realized that
Paul, I just have to comment on a related point you made in this video from 1 Year Ago: I too have a very very Sharp memory for things co-workers or bosses said/did in the workplace. Over the decades I have Lost Count of the number of times that they Denied ever doing/saying it - and I was then called a 'liar'.... Other workmates would NEVER back me up for fear of losing their jobs, and I was always on the Slippery Slope to getting laid-off or fired soon after. I'm Self Employed now, but the Hurt & Anger from the past still burns me up, for being the Truth Teller, & then being Humiliated and Scapegoated for it by Sociopath Pathalogical-liar Bosses & Cowards in my 'Team'.
Sounds scarily familiar 👍🏼
Exactly my experience. Gave up the booze 15 years ago. Best thing I have ever done. Mind you naked ADHD +ASD is not fun
51 autistic and managed to stop drinking 6 months ago, however very hard struggle to keep clean. I believe the hardest thing for Austic people is to live with the feeling of being alone and brain chatter.
We all have something that affects us more than others. The brain chatter I can definitely relate to.
As an adult that has audhd I sat and cried a lot to the beginning of this video.
Today I really wanted to relapse but you just putting it into words and being vulnerable brought me back down.
I don’t have the strength to not let myself spiral in the freedom but I’m incredibly proud of you for keeping a handle on it.
Thank you so much for helping me feel less alone today. ❤
I am really glad it helped. You are always in control of your own choices my friend, and we always have to make the best one we can. I wish you well.
hey Paul thank you for doing these series videos it really helps us the viewer to get to know you more, i personally do not drink alcohol , as i used to drink cider recently i found out i may be allergic. Great video
Thanks Gemma. Just trying to share anything on the off chance it could help others. Hope you're doing okay.
@@AdultwithAutism hey Paul I’m feeling down lately but I’m ok
Sorry to hear that, hopefully you'll be back up and running before long again. Just remember to only focus on what you can control 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism yeah that’s what I realised from your video
I respect your video about autism and alcohol... It makes me so sad to think back on the years when I used to drink.. even though I never got to be dependent, I did use it trying to be social and fit in, etc. It never worked out for me and the older I got, the more my brain and body chemistry basically couldn't tolerate alcohol to the point where I felt like I was "allergic" to alcohol! I finally just quit it altogether 5 years ago and I don't miss it at all. I still remember the supposedly "good times with friends", but I don't have any desire for that anymore, because now I see the unfulfillment of the whole thing. It just ain't worth it. Plus I don't miss the traumatic events that also went along with the whole alcohol experience. 😢 Thank you for sharing your autism experience. ❤
I definitely understand the allergic feeling. I got that too, and still do when I have more than a couple these days 👍🏻
A decongestant for the brain... Yes! Going to the bars young, then got carded for ID on my 21st bday - still imagine the shock on the faces of years-long servers. Employment and friendships were very complicated amid the fakeness. And trying to find an excuse/escape for me. Then what do we do as adults and keeping ourselves sane. You sum this up brilliantly with the warning of a crutch no matter one's age. Thanks!
You're welcome 😁
Great video. We need more of this stuff. I was diagnosed this year at 50 and it's a struggle. It explains my issues with alcohol too but tbh its the only thing that calms me down as you describe. I've tried everything except pharmaceutical medication and refuse to. But I also know that booze affects GERD in the brain and is a double edged sword, I have panic disorder and alcohol makes it ten times worse. It really helps knowing other people are out there going through the same stuff. Good on you mate. Cheers. Liked & subscribed.
Topics are always welcome. I want to talk about the things others don't...or won't. Life isn't rosy for all of us, and a light needs shining on it 👍🏻
Try ice bath
Paul you’re on fire with the content lately I need to put on the list and watch them all!
Thanks for that Claire, much appreciated 👍🏻
I gave up drinking 5 months ago now. I have mild autism with high IQ. I often feel like the world is doomed and everyone is so fake, but you made a really good point when you said you were faking it too. I realize that I was being just as fake, but trying less hard at it. I still really don't like how fake the world is, but I'm managing to block it out of my brain as much as possible without the use of a crutch.
As horrible as it sounds, the less you begin to care about the things you cannot control such as a fake world, the better your personal world becomes. At least it did for me. Losing that focus on things I couldn't fix or control just...helped.
The words you say, and how you explain, are very clearing to me! I recognize a lot of what you are telling.
But what i still don't know, at 55 age, is weather or not it has to do with i have autism. I am still undiagnosed, but had these type of struggles a lot during my life...
Meanwhile my whole life i kinda felt this way, though. And masked to fit in also. Thank you for sharing! 🙏🏻🍀
Thanks Paul for your unfiltered insights and your willingness to share. And, may I add, beautifully articulated. Your accumulated wisdom rings true. Like you, blunting the environmental overwhelms associated with a high IQ and/or being a HSP has definitely served a much needed purpose over the years (I'm 65). I'm still sorting things out after a Bipolar 2 diagnosis at 55 (no meds). Honestly, I just think that I just feel things way too much. My mind races constantly, playing out virtually every scenario possible to their logical (and illogical) conclusions as a defense mechanism. Thankfully, I receive disability here in the states or I might not still be here. I've been masking ever since kindergarten. I am exhausted. I had kids at 30 and have been white-knuckling ever since (twice divorced). As to reaching one's resiliency limits, I taught tennis for 40 years in overly-stimulating environments, to great detriment. I have no idea how I pulled it off with anxiety levels through the roof on a daily basis. What's that Rod Stewart song... I Wish That I Knew All I Know Now, When I Was Younger? One question: how do you know specifically that you are autistic, and not just a big-brained, highly sensitive guy with a turbocharged nervous system an awesome beard? Thanks, man! Good luck with your compensatory plight.
Many reasons, but I will settle on the fact I don't understand nearly every other person I meet! Their interest, the blinded commitment to following the path of life and societal norms. My reclusive nature due to it, and that it is much more natural to converse with other Autistic people.
Myself and nearly everyone else (non-Autistic), it is like watching the same TV show called life, but we are watching it on two different channels 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism Thank you! I look forward to watching more of your videos
@@AdultwithAutism This video may or not apply. High IQ individuals are like their own separate species, running on intellect, unable to relate to the emotionally driven flock. ruclips.net/video/hgwg_c6sNKg/видео.htmlsi=n0AkaHYGtLU9tei_
It's like you're telling my story, brother. I, myself, don't drink anymore, but when I did it was for similar reasons, to be normal, to shut my brain off and stop seeing all the things that all the normal people didn't see and were blissfully unaware of. Glad I stumbled across your channel.
Glad you're here 👍🏻
Hi ~ This is my third visit in a row :) you have such a different response and, I think, it was good for you when you were young. Later it got complicated.
a glass of wine sure is relaxing, letting talk to people without anxiety🍷
I’m probably bothering you and everyone, but I want to say I so agree with you on IQ tests, and politicians - you broke that down so simply and succinctly. There is quite a lot going on in your head. I’m glad it doesn’t bother you as much now. 🙂🌷🌱
I started drinking regularly when I moved out of my parent's house and I with my boyfriend.
I had my own fridge now and my own space and I found that alcohol at home after work would "help" me to wind down.
It was liking the routine of having a drink every evening that began it. But once I had one, I always had 3. And as I'm hitting my late 20s it was becoming obvious it was a bad routine to have.
I got scared for my liver and wanted to stop, but I'd developed a bit of dependence and so now at 29 I'm working on limiting myself now to maybe having one evening a week for drinks. Some weeks I have do that, others I do 2 days, some weeks none at all. It's a bit hilly now but it's better.
But yes. Alcohol for me gave me control of what emotions I wanted to feel. My thing is having alcohol while listening to music in the evening. It's euphoric (at first). But if I get to that third drink... It stops feeling so good and I don't sleep well.
I relate to that very well. It became something to soften the daily average which others didn't even notice. Being affected by 'normality'. So I needed to create my own version.
The problem is, most of my versions were detrimental in some form or another. But it is good to hear that you notice a pattern you could benefit being out of, and are making steps to move away from 👍🏻
Paul, I'm Di & I also have autism. I LOVE your channel....I relate to alot of your content. Glad I found your channel. I sought eval after burnout 9-2020...although it's sad/injustice....feels nice to know I'm not the only autistic who's gone through that. Cheers.
Hi Di, good to hear you relate to my waffle 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism (Sorry...long-winded reply, can't help it).
I've found some interesting things with autism lately. I didn't even know what autism was until 2020. I was dx'd w/ADD-inattentive type w/a slew of other shite at 16--I'm about to be 37 now. I started putting 2/2 together when I learned what burnout was. I just really needed to find out what happened to me....did I have a nervous breakdown. I am female...but I present more male/identify with alot of the struggles I hear my fellow male autistics describe. On that same note, I have met males that identify more with more female traits--I find this really interesting. ALSO--many times you said "waffle" I thought you were making waffles. I was like, "When is this man going to get his waffle...it's cold by now!" I don't normally think so literally I can't get that type of language...but maybe being American is why it threw me. I'm also a little shocked by what happened at your job...I know the UK is not perfect, but I thought you guys were light years ahead of the U.S. in research & the way the accommodated/treated workers. You're really providing alot of value to our community by sharing your story & what happened to you. Glad you're on YT--we need more like ye'.
I'm glad I've got some uses...and no, I definitely won't be making any waffles 😂
The UK is a terrible place currently. If people like living here, it's because they're in a privileged position. People like me take the penalties for everything, and the pension age...pretty sure I'll have to be 200 years old before I'm allowed to retire! But that's another topic for another day.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It's incredibly relatable.
Everything you said could’ve been said by me. I can completely relate to the need to fit in, even trying to dumb myself down. Like you, my IQ was high, at 155, similar to yours. I also drank sometimes but worried about losing my intelligence and awareness. I didn’t fit in at all. “Ignorance is bliss” and not seeing and knowing what I saw and knew must, I thought, be lovely. Everyone will like me and I will see things the way they do.
My memory, like yours, is photographic. I could recall what was said and when a recap. was made, and their statement was different than what they had said, my assertions of “you said this, not that”, was met with accusations of my erroneous recollection. Despite being perfect.
I have gradually learnt to keep quiet and still understand and know but not to confront or challenge others or try to be the owner of objective truth. Nor, necessarily, to fit in. I accept that I don’t.
Now I find myself thinking more about understanding what is going on with how I do see things; what is the meaning and significance of the patterns, what does it mean that something is valued from one perspective (e.g. right clothes) as compared with another (e.g. etiquette) or whether what is valuable is not the same as what is important and what is important is just as transmutable as what is valuable.
Ignorance is bliss...until it isn't! But it's nice for a while isn't it 👍🏻
Totally relate to this......I successfully managed to kill alot of brain cells, tee total, finally understanding why my life has been the car crash it has, this helps, onwards and upwards
I understand 100% what you said about drinking Paul,when I was 18 I had a short time of unemployment and would have to sign on at my local job centre and it made me feel even more out of tune with the world,after a couple of weeks of doing this I would buy a small bottle of vodka just to be able to get through the job centre door, I stopped doing this as on my way back home on the train I went to get off as the train slowly pulled into the station and totally misjudged how fast the train was going and landed flat on my face, after a stern telling of by the train guard I vowed never to drink in the daytime again, thankfully all trains are now built with electric doors that will automatically open when the train stops so that any numpties like I was hopefully won’t have this happen to them.
Ah, bad times! Coping mechanisms are fine...so long as we can cope with them!
Amazing story! Very inspiring, thank you!
Hello Paul, brilliant observations and message. I too have experienced this 'dark' side of autism. Relying on alcohol for almost 2 decades, since the age of 13, to survive this intense reality that we face. However, I didn't know about my Autism until I sought a diagnosis last year at age 34. Today I am somewhere around 4 years alcohol-free - woo! I actually started my YT channel before I knew about my autism - simply focussing on trying to spread a positive message about recovery. This is such an expansive conversation and topic, and there is so much work to be done from school age - onward. I am now sitting here pondering what else I can do going forward, to advocate for other autistic women and girls. Seeing as that's where my lived experience lies. I love your honesty and your bravery. I don't miss any of that life I led before. I love my new quiet, soft life out in nature - It is my TRUE freedom! 😁
Brilliant. So glad you broke away from it. Onwards and upwards 👍🏻
Absolutely incredible - Thank you so much for verbalising so perfectly how I have felt all my life. Everything you said is just spot on. It helps to make me feel not so alone.
You are so welcome!
I'm 42 (was diagnosed when 35) now and I stopped drinking a few years back because it just started being gross to me. I was physically dependent on it for probably 20 years, starting at age 19. And I also drank for the reasons you spoke of. I definitely killed tons and tons brain cells. Also never cared much what people thought of me, never got confidence from it.
Detoxing from alcohol was one of the hardest things I ever did. I don't really miss it though. Just didn't wanna do it anymore.
I get that. I'm glad you just lost the interest too, I'm sure it does no favours in the long run 👍🏻
Well said! You actually described my life from my teenage years, through to now (my sixth decade on the planet).
So thankyou for your wisdom
Cheers
Thank you 👍🏻
Thank god I am not alone. I cannot thank you enough for this. Love every second.
Glad you liked it 👍🏻
This was an incredible watch. I don’t know if it’s sunk in what you’ve done with this video but I don’t think I’ve ever unpacked this as much as I have through watching this. Thank you for being vulnerable + honest.
Thank you, and no problem 👍🏻
37 year old woman diagnosed at in 2018. Your spot on with everything your saying. I can relate
That's good to hear. Thank you 👍🏻
Hey Paul, I didn’t really start drinking until I was 30. My dad had a problem with alcohol for a short time when I was a kid. Plus I learned in my 20’s the an attribute of ADHD was low impulse control so I was afraid I would become addicted. Now I enjoy a gin & tonic now and then and sometimes a glass of wine. It does slow the brain down so that is nice on occasion. Another great video!
On occasion and low amounts...moderation is good for most things I think. Although try telling me that at an all you can eat!
@@AdultwithAutism Ha ha! I am so bad at all you can eat!
They're the best 😂
Good job, you have dealt with the same one feels when addicted to alcohol, or drinking excessively, or taking any other intoxicants, shame that makes one feel like they need to hide it from others often. But in my opinion, it becomes shame when one loses track of the amounts consumed, or money spent on, and cannot stop. There is no need to become an abstinent, keeping a track so it is just an occasional thing is just fine.
I had my feel too. For absurd reasons like thinking it will make me belong to that group, or another, but in my twenties, I so desperately wanted to have friends. I know now It is not possible with just anybody, that there is not many compatible with us to form a bond, but I managed to find one friend, and we stick together.
Fakeness - why would anybody want that, be OK with that, right? Yet, they are, and so they stop at ‘seeming’, never realising, never finding out, or having the need, or feeling the need to realise that there is as well a ‘meaning’, to everything we do. And they are soaked in it, all those meaningless pleasantries are nothing more but seeming without meaning.
I wrote a short story about fictional character, coded autistic, having their first taste of alcohol, and how it affected them, and dimmed their senses. If you would like to have a go at it shayboski.blogspot.com/2022/04/a-day-on-planet-earth.html
I like your story. I appreciate the inner monologues we run being put in whilst translating our surroundings 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism Thank you. Without including inner monologues as a part of a story it wouldn't make much sense, it would be like watching other people everyday and wondering "What is going on?"
Hindsight is 20:20 , literally!
The detailed recall of the abusive things that my wife would say to me during her meltdowns destroyed our marriage after 26 years. When things really started to fall apart and we would revisit pain from the past she would ask. Why did you stop doing this and why did you start doing that?
Because that's what you wanted me to do. That's what you said...
My memory of the events was so detailed that I could recall the weather outside, the direction I was facing, where we were standing in the house, the tone of her voice and the exact words she said.
Her fantasy world came apart when I started recording to have proof that I was telling the truth. And even after hearing herself say the words on the recording she would still deny and say that's not what she was saying. "What were we even talking about that day?" "That's a different time". "Why are you so mean to me?"
For over 20 years I overlooked the occasional false accusation. But later it became daily "gas lighting" and constant meltdowns from holding her accountable to her words and actions. During those moments she would lose all control and do things totally out of character.
I would have forgiven her and move past the pain if she would have just stopped calling me a liar and stopped abusing me behind closed doors.
I would not give up on her, our marriage, or our family, so she ended it officially by sleeping with one of her co-workers.
" I did that! , to end this."
That time we agreed, "It's over."
All the pain that had led up to that moment kicked off soul searching and a deep dive into research. I knew my wife was autistic long before she did, but what I did not know is that she was a covert narcissist and then became a full-blown malignant out of her mind narcissist who has destroyed her own world and our children's.
Narcissists target Autistic people as their number one target. No idea why.
I am waiting for a diagnosis and so many things are hitting home. Thank you
👍🏻
Cheers! Figured I may as well have one while watching ;-) Paul, I'm amazed at how you can do this in "one take"... I tend to get "off track" so quickly, and then am self-conscious that I can't remember what the original point was. Anyway, you've absolutely nailed it (for me) with the IQ tests and drinking... and that you're "faking" just to be normal and everyone else is faking to "get ahead". I've often wondered if RUclips "tells" you at what point in the video someone hits the like button... but that was it for me. Toggled it on and off several times for good measure! ;-) As always, enjoyed the video... and am definitely looking forward to the next ones. Take care.
Haha, cheers Nathan. You might see one take, but what you don't see are the 20 failed attempts that came before it. My blooper reel would be 4 times longer than each video with putting my foot in it 😂
I can get the mode of trying to fix or right everything in the world.
Very black and white thinking.
I try to keep to the mindset of righting a few little things a day these days.
It might be picking up the trash in my neighborhood or giving someone struggling to walk the offer of an arm to cross the street.
The little things that I do on my own around my apartment complex.
I might clean something that needs a clean.
I might weed a garden.
I see the details that others do not see.
I need no praise or attention for doing so.
I have used my detailed orientated skills to help my community.
Doing so gives me enjoyment.
I can walk by something that was a total mess and think to myself...."I made that better."
It's a good way to be. If it brings you enjoyment and you need nothing from it, only the knowledge you have made something better, then I can't see much wrong with that at all.
Thanks for making this video Paul. I really identified with a lot of the things you said in this video. I had very similar experiences to you when I was in my late teens and twenties except I didn’t have a home to turn to. Autism is mean to be a developmental delay and when I think about it, it just took me longer to get out of my early twenties than all of my peers.
That's a good way of putting it 👍🏻
5:30-7; Wow... you described so well my experience w/drinking.. Aspe diagnosed this yr. @ 36 yo. 😕
Good to know I'm not on my own 👍🏻
Love the confidence wisdom and totally agree, it's primarily needed by those who depend on how others think about them - and perhaps by the wiring and not so much by insecurities and what not.
I live by it. I know I am not a bad person, and I know I don't want to wrong people either. I give a version of myself to others than treats others like I have known them forever and offer a level of respect. If they choose to dislike that person, that's their issue not mine.
I resonate so much with you, idk if I have autism, probably a bit, ... always feel like I don't belong... had a really hard time growing up. Now however I became really strong and independent as a result and I kind of like that now... and trust, fairness are so important to me, it really tilts me if something is unfair. However I don't really drink alcohol unless I go party or such. But I do need a lot of alone time to recharge and feel well.
Made absolute sense to me fella. Thank you.
No worries 👍🏻
Its amazing how every topic hits so close to my heart. Alcohol got me thru a lot of social situations when i was younger, but then it lost what i wanted it to do for my inner demons. Its funny isnt it that i gave up drinking 12 years ago and havent heard a dickie bird from my old acquaintances, and now im very happy not to have contact with so many shallow people.
You brought it up on another video abt telling someone abt having autism its like i told em i was inhuman or something from the responses you get including family.
Also i ended meeting my wife in aa and we are both dry together and she gets my autism coz our 10 year old is autistic and she struggles with stuff too, coz otherwise no other type of partner would work for me as it would be too toxic without a doubt.Forgive me for essay. Gaz
Essay forgiven 👍🏻
I'm 26yo, in my first job out of uni, just recently convinced I'm autistic (adult diagnosis is pretty much impossible where I am)... This resonates with me so much. I drink to drown my brain out. It doesn't seem to work as well lately. And the ridiculous thing is, even when I was near passed out drunk with work mates a while back, I STILL couldn't go talk to girls like they did. It's like even when 99% of my brain is fried from the stuff, there's still that autistic 1% "supervisor" screwing me up. I should stop, I have to stop, and I know it, just like I know I should stop vaping and eat better and exercise and whatnot but it's hard. None of it brings joy or even "relaxedness".
Good talk very interesting and thanks for opening up
Thank you
Also, your brand of humor is hilarious!
Good job I don't try, otherwise my jokes would fall on their face!
This hit home for so damn many reasons. I have always since childhood had problems sleeping and knew i was very different. fast forward to after a break up on my behalf with the absolutely sweetest woman on the planet (never had sleep issues laying with her at night, and the most frequent sex of my life-no doubt there is a correlation) to 20 freaking years of a average of a 12 pack a night just to be able to quiet my damn mind and be able to sleep because there was no way i would get more then a cat nap at BEST.
I too have had multiple tests thought my life for IQ starting at 8th grade and then into the Navy after i took the entrance exam and the guy stared at me strange and then got his partner to look at the results and then HE stared at me.... Learned a long time ago to just leave the numbers out of the conversations.
thank you sir for this video
Thank you for sharing 👍🏻
Damn, I understand getting clarity when having a few drinks. I struggle without it in a social environments, even 1-1 situations, but have flirted with drinking too much, including drinking solo without any social component at all.
Me too. Drinking alone was for me to 'assist in recovering' from having to socialise all week in situations like work 👍🏻
Thank You for this video! I love your accent. How do you handle life as an autistic person? How do you find peace, and make a successful life for yourself? I'm asking for my brother who is an alcoholic, and believes he has autism and always has, but no one "noticed" or figured it out. I want him to go get a diagnosis (whatever it turns out to be) by a professional therapist. Meanwhile, I don't know what I can do to help him cope with his f/u life. 🥺
Mine was weed not alcohol but I relate to you a lot. Thank you for your vulnerability ❤️
No problem at all 👍🏻
Really good heart felt and honest talk
All that has happened since I quit is I don’t get my weekly freedom that I used to get. Drinking was definitely an escape but I believe it was highly therapeutic for me also.. I though quitting might make me feel better but nah.
Thought
It's finding something to take its place...it's just finding what that thing is?
I had my first drink the same year I turned 20, before that I was so isolated and only stayed at home. I could finally "connect" with people because all my inhibitions lowered and the things that bothered me didn't matter as much. It felt like I was finally living life, but my apathy for my future was always in the back of my mind. Having a drink would make me numb to those thoughts, so basically, I traded off the future for the moment. The reason I put "connect" in quotation mark above is because all of the people I've met when I've been drinking never led anywhere except to more drinking and drugs. And so for the past 9 years, it have been a real rollercoaster in my addictions. I went from only drinking when celebrating, to every other weekend, to every weekend and to every day - and the worst of times was when I drank by myself because I have an addictive personality and high alcohol tolerance, so I didn't notice how drunk I'd get until it was too late.
However, four years ago I got my first job at 26 years old, right out of college as the pandemic started. It was so exciting because I got to work with my special interest on a daily basis, and I can't get enough of it, I want to do it on my free time as well. But where I live (Sweden) it's a painful process to just get an apartment to rent, so I was sharing an apartment with a guy I know from college, commuting for 6 hours every day to and from work. That took a lot of mental energy out of me, my new life style couldn't support my drinking habit and so I naturally dialled back on it to only drink on Fridays or Saturdays. But last year when I turned 29, and I just felt the birthday dread I always feel because none except for my parents would congratulate me, all the people I considered friends or acquaintances over the years were silent again. I had a real urge to go out and drink to numb my feelings, but I caught myself thinking of that and thought how I would feel the day after and decided it was not worth it.
So right there and then I decided that I'm going to spend my last year in my 20's sober. So, I'm soon 11 months sober, and I just got my first apartment a few weeks ago after having been in the housing queue for years, and I got to say, even if I haven't solved my loneliness, life feels pretty good now and I'm looking forward to what's next. I don't know if I'm going to be sober indefinitely, but one thing I know for sure is that I never want to drink when I'm by myself again.
Everything has a time and a place, and as you say for you, drinking isn't when you're alone. I always have to move my boundaries to make sure they work, and also keep an eye on if I start to slip.
Same experience for me, with weed, psychedelics, etc., too. Suddenly the overthinking stops and you just got you. Doing a small amount of shrooms made my anxiety disappear, my second-guessing, the endless calculation of scenarios were gone, and I was just.. me. Chill. Honest. Authentic. And not mad. Even caffeine has this effect on me, which leads me to consider the role of dopamine. Apparently they allow ADHD medication for autistic people in the UK now, so it will probably spread. I need more widespread voltage in my brain, so I won't just run a few specific ones to death while abandoning others. I really despise people overall for the same reasons you state, but damn, would I love to just even out, be mellow, forever, like them. I could actually get through life that way.
Stumbled upon this from studying my INTJ personality type. People have also joked and called me an Aspie.
I was sober for a year and then moderate but then to many traumas happened since 2020 and I’m back to drinking daily.
I’d love to get sober again and I wasn’t even that anxious but I don’t trust the medical establishment anymore.
You will, when you are ready to. And then 'one day' will become 'day one'.
Best of luck to you.
You could replace the alcohol with Ashwaghanda. It reduces Cortisol and makes you less stressed. And it’s healthy
Started drinking at 16. Going to pubs dressing up to look older and getting served. Yes, the novelty did wear off as soon as I turned 18 too. I drank heavily throughout my twenties just to fit in with friends and extended family. I felt like a different person when I had a few drinks. There is no way I could have socialised without alcohol. In my thirties I just suddenly stopped enjoying it and I no longer drink now. Even one drink makes me feel ill.
Me either, I’ve drunk heavily for 30 years but am not physically addicted. I’ve been in hospital for a week with no withdrawal symptoms
Hope you're not in for anything serious 👍🏻
Not really, found a tumor in my arm and had to have it removed. The drugs were good. :P
@@AdultwithAutism
At least there was a bonus!
Giftedness traits and ASD traits overlap around 35% and more the higher the IQ climbs. I am a gifted woman and your comments are very much like what it is to live life as gifted. I come to ASD sites as ASD has more info and discussion on the traits that make things challenging. One of the reasons I mask and have since childhood is that people will apply everything negative to being high IQ and will go out of their way to hurt you or, bully and then shun. It can lead to horrid burnout and when the mask slips, it risks your job. Giftedness is the hardware difference for data processing. Broadens bandwidth for how many things you can keep in mind, what kind of connections you can see. To really see it in full action...the desired savant state neurotypicals try to make gifted kids become to be their version of successful requires being consumed by one interest above anything else and not be in a neurotypical social structure in the work place. It's that hyper focus that clears all the thought jumble racing through ones head and designing your own environment to cut down or out issues with hypersensitivity is essential. It stops meltdowns, it cuts out rumination, combine routine for self care things and inner/outer world becomes more peaceful . Sleep issues become non issues. Giftedness is hated and when looking for societies for help or similar people to connect with all you find is neurotypicals creating "everyone is gifted" groups...gifted at hat wearing, gifted at laughter, gifted at knitting. Its neural wiring differences not gifted is you're the best at something. In society, you are thought to magically become neurotypical as soon as you're an adult..like an adult gifted person is a mythological beast. Brain damage to be less tormented and out of place in this world, I used to think a good head injury to kill neurons would make life less painful because of the clash of mind types leaving me drained and an outsider. Know both sides, ASD and Gifted, notice same traits but in ASD most traits are titled with negative connotation. Understand why it's seen that way by neurotypicals and understand even more. I recommend anyone neurodivergent learns about the other mind types, it's often a blur of misdiagnosis. You are both, you won't fully know yourself unless you dig into Giftedness as well. It's no fairy tale as society likes to make it. You can still hide, I do, masking as needed is a defence, but consider separating what is public belief on Giftedness vs what it actually is, as it does really help.
I've never looked into Giftedness, I've never ever heard of it. I'll read into it. Thank you 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism You are quite similar to me and so many things make more sense and are easier for me now that I see different sides of the same traits and look at aspects of ASD, ADHD and Giftedness as interconnected by hyper nervous system connection/density. Plus, for peace of mind, find books on neurotypical minds by neurodivergent people, had I known when I was younger, much of the struggles would have disappeared. Band width issues and limitations on what can be processed and perceived is very real in neurotypicals. Have to accommodate that mind types disabilities too, even when part of their traits is to deny differences or disabilities. Lots of weird social hierarchy things are built into social interactions with that type of mind, sussing up rank positions and usefulness. Think of it as limited band width for data and data processing and compensation is outsourcing to other people by ties of alliance. It's eye opening to learn what small talk is and the hidden rules of interaction. It has to do with basically the mentality of "more for me" and a system of owing favours. It's like something I would have expected out of a sci-fi novel but it's true. Zero sum gamers. It's good you do this public work. It's helped me because it is real and gives a better perspective. Thanks!
No problem at all 👍🏻
So true. Same with weed and coke TBH. At least in certain quantities. I relate to your life and thoughts so much bro.
Glad you can relate 👍🏻
Thank you for your honesty.🤘
👍🏼
Amazing video. Amazing points. Thank you.
Thank you 👍🏻
Very well said. I can relate to everything you've shared.
I do like the feeling after a drink, but I rarely drink and if I do it's because it's nice (usually family) meeting or just an evening with a movie. And it always has to be tasty.. sweet wine (4 or 5), liqueur, kopparberg, mojito.
Funnily enough, I have been really drunk only a few times and I normally have a really good visual memory but then especially, the memories are so vivid and I do remember how funny I acted, still some of the best memories...
It's good and pretty amazing actually that you never got addicted with the amounts you drank.
Sounds like you have a really sweet tooth when it comes to it! I think because I drank for the feeling i was fixated on, the other reasons people drink never came into play. I also don't have an addictive personality and can leave anything behind if I don't want it.
When i drink i feel i get to say what i really mean. But after a few more drinks, i may snap. Its scary for others to watch, and really hurts me, fisically and emotionally. Only now im realizing the damage alcohol makes in me. Salutes from brazil thanks for bringing ip this topic
No problem. Hope it was useful 👍🏻
Oof, yet another topic I relate to. I was masking so much and drinking heavily to slow my racing brain and in order to fit it. The problem is, they liked the buzzed or drunk me. I began to think that was my best self, but I was very disillusioned about it all. In my 20s it felt like a competition while out "socially drinking" to be able to drink the most or more importantly handle it the best. Having Irish roots and alcoholism in my family, I was really good at handling my alcohol. Too good. Being competitive is not in my true nature, neither is standing out. I want to be appreciated and noticed in less overt ways. A final thought - it's good to take breaks from things. Be aware of what you're doing and try not to go straight to self-criticism and self-hate (easier said than done).
It is good to take the breaks...if only it was that easy to digest that whilst we're in the depths of things! 👍🏻
I really appreciate this.
Thank you 👍🏻
43 years old here, been sober for 6 months. Funny thing is when you mention the women and confidence thing, cause that's one reason I drank. But I know, I am an alcoholic because of my crazy thought that now with high self esteem with sobriety, treatment and counseling, how good would I feel if I drink Now. That's crazy I think that
I can kind of understand that to be honest.
Thank you for uploading, I very much identify with what you said
No worries.
Thank you for this.
No problem 👍🏼
I was an alcoholic when i was a teenager. I used alcohol because it removed my social anxiety and depression but it quickly became a problem. I now feel no desire to drink any more so i can have a glass or 2 of beer or wine every now and then and be fine. Im not anxious or depressed now. Alcohol definitly made me feel happy and when i was sober i was depressed so i drank all the time to stay happy.
Good to hear you got past it 👍🏻
I so understand what you are saying!
I had a period in my 20s where I drank too much, was more to try to fit in during social events. I'd always fail at doing so and just keep drinking until blacking out and making a fool out of myself in one way or another. My real vice that I still use as a crutch is weed, it just takes away so much of the noise that I normally have going on. I do think a lot of it is chasing the feeling of calm in my mind and just numbing things. It's not healthy but I struggle otherwise.
I know the feeling of needing something to help, but it's allowing yourself the time to find other ways less detrimental to help. An overnight solution just isn't there, but slow and steady mate and I'm sure you can come away from your crutch as you did alcohol.
Just remember it has to be something that works for you, not the desires of the masses 👍🏻
Products w/small amts of thc% are now legal in TX (where I am) thanks to the Compassion Act. You are eligible if you have autism or PTSD. I used to smoke weed alot--I do occassionally. I hate relying on anything-I'm too independent & it annoys me. I have my medical marijuana card--although TX hasn't quite figured out to make a great product yet. The THC edibles are ok--but EXPENSIVE & usually fat based-which fucks with my stomach. I don't look at weed as a drug now...for some, with autism/epilepsy/PTSD....societal/mental models are changing to "medicine" vs "drugs." Thought you might find that interesting. Anxiety is such a big part of an autistics life---it's the mid-brain you're trying to get to chill out. So I feel, neurologically people are looking for something/anything to feel calm/sense of homeostasis. I used to drink alot from 16-28 to fit in & anxiety. I still can't face social gatherings, without a glass of wine or something. I really don't like hanging out with other people lol.
Fair enough. Not the case on this side of the pond. We have a useless PM who is currently wanting home workers in offices as he thinks being at home means you eat too much cheese (true story), so I can't see him looking at any bill to decriminalise marijuana! 😂
God bless you bro, I relate, from Texas :)
Same to you
I tell you.. I do very similar.
I still drink. I don't need it... I enjoy it. And it isn't just drinking it that I enjoy. I love the hunt for unique things. I am into whiskey at this point. I love how complex whiskey is. I collect whiskey. I read books about whiskey. I am working up my own mash bills for whiskey. I visit whiskey distilleries... I am a tour guide, for one day a week, at a distillery (I can talk about whiskey).
It is tough how things get. But I do it for enjoyment and a sense of calm (again, not just the drinking). I rarely get drunk. I like to really sit with the nose and the flavor and understand it and pick it apart. I get into the chemistry, as well.
I tell you... know we've both had a fair share of issues with people. But if you ever pop over to the midwest in the US... ping me and I will take you to a distillery over here. Not to get you drunk... not even to drink, if you don't want to ... but it is just something that seems tailored to an autistic brain. And we can sit there, talk about distilleries for a bit... and if it is too much talking... we can also just stair at a wall. You seem like a down to earth autistic guy and you don't have time for the drama that is in the autistic community... and I completely relate.
If not, best wishes to you, either way, and thank you for sharing. It is truly appreciated.
EDIT: Oh... probably worth mentioning. I watch all of your content.. and I am usually watching it while sipping on whiskey. I was experimenting with blending some aged rum with whiskey because I am thinking of buying a single barrel from a distillery and finishing it in a rum cask. I just have to figure out the distribution part of it. I want to at least break even on the endeavor. :)
Sounds like it's a hobby you enjoy! Can't knock it as a special interest 👍🏻
This video's from 2 years ago but thank you mate.
No worries.
I had noticed the exact same thing about alcohol, it just decongests my brain and gets rid of all the social inhibitions that plagued my life. I also noticed something similar with anesthesia, anytime I got a procedure done it feels like I would mentally be cleared up for about a week or 2 before going back to my usual self. Now if only the ways to slow myself down werent literally toxic to me
There does need to be a less inpactful way of helping ourselves...especially when we need to do it just to blend in.