If you're autistic, going out into the neurotypical world without masking is like stepping into space without a spacesuit. However bulky and uncomfortable the suit is, it's still better than the alternative.
I've found the saddest thing about hunanity as a whole is we know better, but continue to do harm. Harm to people, to the planet, animals, everything and I'm just sick of it. I can't watch the news, either, because it's the same story, different day. I appreciate your honesty. Take care, Paul. 💛
Same Whitney. Its so hard as it really could start to get better from tomorrow if people woke up with a better mentality. Unfortunately, they don't. Hence the news!
@@AdultwithAutism For me, what drives me crazy is knowing that just a little effort to work together goes a long way, and yet, people refuse to inconvenience themselves slightly so things can be better for everyone, more than offsetting that slight inconvenience. My favorite example is traffic in merge areas. If everyone gave a little attention to working together, it would go so much smoother for everybody, and yet, the majority of people are unwilling to go to the inconvenience of thinking about their surroundings and how they can make a small change to improve things. Simply spacing out a little bit so the car next to and ahead of you has a place to merge without interrupting the flow of traffic is too much inconvenience apparently.
People only care about the unimportant stuff like what their body looks like or other people doing what they want with their own bodies (tattoos, haircuts, clothes, men with makeup) or minorities gaining some rights (oh no that will affect me so much, time to get angry and protest). There are wars, and billionaires, and poverty, and homelessness, and r@pe, and it doesn't bother them. People who try to change the world annoy them so much. Or people who look and act different (without any harm). They're the problem.
Mate, someday I hope we’re down at a pub in our 60s-I look to my right & you to your left-we’re both drinking non-alcoholic beverages and wearing luminous clothes-and we nod…and say nothing…and it feels great. I can understand where you’re coming from in your videos because (at 39 ugh) the realization I’m on the spectrum is becoming like a thicker and thicker fog. What you’re saying re: unmasking is so true, because that adds a different (extra) level of anxiety to every interaction. Figuring out how to unmask is a bit easier for me when I’m around strangers. (Except for the one time as a teenager I was beat up in my own house by choir kids who I’d stayed with a month prior. Apparently, I did something to turn me into a mark? Crazy thing is I didn’t understand that whole incident until very recently and had told myself it was a misunderstanding…but with bruises to my torso.) From an ableist perspective, many autistic traits can be perceived, kindly, as being…uh…unconventionally attractive? I feel like research, as you mention, is fundamental to how society learns to accommodate us. Because what is the alternative, to just burn us at the stake if we start rocking while on the bus? Put us all on unemployment and into shared housing & menial work? It would be a tremendous waste. I am a tremendous worker. Published author. Super great cat dad. Am I employed? Not really. Does it stress me out? I’m losing my Johnny Cash-quality hair in clumps. Yet I still feel like with a *tiny* bit of help here and there I’d be golden and really happy. At my last full-time role, they loved me when I was working remotely for 3+ years as a phone call away-but when I was a nervous lump in a bright office *during COVID* and not speaking fluent French? GOODBYE in just over a year for my “attitude”. Yet because of you and others speaking openly, I have hope things will get better. Here in Canada for example, Terry Fox made people SEE cancer. There shouldn’t need to be a martyr but clearly, our collective suffering hasn’t yet moved the needle much. I’m convinced autistic people know much of what they need to thrive, but those things are sitting up on the top shelf and most of us can’t reach them. Society still seems too distracted, or too apathetic to care. Cheers.
Thanks for that. Shame about the hair! I still remember the day I looked at mine and wonder where it went. But great news about the super cat dad status. A very important one to have 👍🏻
Banovsky, I hear you. I worked more temp jobs than most and usually became alcoholic by three months, then left, due to my utter intolerance of awful ppl. But when I got a home based job I was made up for two years. Unfortunately they decided we all had to work from an office. I lasted...there months. We have a lot of gifts, but being sociable isn't often one of them. Best wishes to you. X
I hear you, bro. But you’d find me wearing whimsigoth attire, and sipping a mocktail as a means of having a drink without the alcohol, and casting spells on neurotypical idiots who bully people like us.
That's the thing! To most people, I "appear" to be fine, but I'm not at all. Every single day is a struggle for me, and it always has been, for 60 YEARS! Because I'm tall, thin, attractive, and intelligent, I'm expected to be able to do what everyone else is able to do. I'm expected to fit in to a world where I absolutely don't. I struggle with things that the majority of people easily do without even thinking about it, automatically. I have had so many problems with employment in my life. Because I "appear" to not have a disability, when I struggle with certain tasks on the job (especially anything involving social interaction) I encounter hostility from co-workers and bosses. I guess they think I am purposely trying to be difficut, or that I just don't care about doing a good job, or about having good relationships at work. I know that being able to be "part of a team" is a highly valued skill, but the truth is I really work best on my own. I haven't worked in over 18 months (trying to recover from a major shutdown). At this point, I don't even know what kind of job I can do, but I need to start making money again, as I watch my savings dwindling away.
They don’t even understand that comfort objects like a favorite stuffed animal are our social tools to help us feel more comfortable with socializing. I have a dragon neopet plushie named sandrea who makes me feel comfortable whenever I’m out and about, but whenever judgmental parents tell me to put her away, it’s really hurtful and insensitive to people like us on the spectrum because they help us cope with social anxiety. I wish I could describe it better, but it’s a little difficult to explain.
Cheers mate 👋 John from Sweden! Autistic, probably adhd, traumatized for sure. I got my diagnosis at 44. I've listened to you on Spotify for some time now and I haven't had the pleasure to give you a big thanks 🎉🥳 You are one of my favorite autism advocate. Every word you said went straight to my heart. I was bullied for ten years straight in school. They didn't kill me, but they might as well could have. Children can be stupid and mindless sometimes. But grownups are worse. They are ignorant. They allow this to continue year after year. It looks the same now as when I went to school 30 years ago. Almost nothing has changed. Keep up the good work! You are making a difference! See ya
And this is why I even have trust issues with our government here in the states. Like they claim to care about the people, but I’ve noticed they only care about their reputation and their own agendas. I’m really sensitive to honesty.
This is a quote that resonates with me, deep in my soul. (50 year old female. Diagnosed in March 2024) - “You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.” ― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls
I think neurotypicals (some of them) see our strengths and our commitment to study and learn very well and thrive in special interests and specific topics can threaten them. And as a result we see passive aggressive behaviour and often bump into narcissistic people who wish us ill intent because they cant feel as deeply as we can. And we can over share naturally in intimate relationships because we speak so matter of factly. It can put us in vulnerable situations if naive. My personal observations anyway
I don't feel much, personally. I'm one of those all logic no chill aspies. But I think you are probably onto something. People feel socially threatened when they see someone that's clearly smarter than them but acts aloof to their social standing - it conveys to the TD people that the individual in question is higher in social status than them (due to their "relaxed and confident" attitude regarding their social standing) and they become resentful because of their sense of entitlement. It's pretty dynamic but once you actually peel back the layers it's all based on primitive behavior that the TD individual fails to keep in check since they have the emotional control of an infant.
I think of all different types out there, the worst for our design to run into is a narcissist. They see us as a tapestry they want to un-stitch instead of passing us by or leaving us be. They take a level of accomplishment of trying to break someone who in their eyes, is already on 'easy mode'. I've read far too many stories with identical patterns. It's such a shame there are people like that out there who just want to do the wrong thing 👍🏻
I don't usually ever comment on any RUclips threads - but THIS Absolutely Nails the Problem right to the Core. The Narcissistic Neurotypicals 'sniff us out' like a Vampire smells Blood. They then go after us with a Relentless Fury, the likes that other NT's have Ever Seen.
I am diagnosed asd level 2. I mask a bit but it is definitely a privilege to have the ABILITY to mask. Higher needs autistic individuals cannot as easily or not at all.
I felt like crying during parts of this video. My heart breaks at the stories of bullying. Much of my energy, all of my life has been directed to trying to look normal. I'm finally at a place where I avoid any unnecessary social engagement and that is such a relief. Any autistic child who sees the bullying and experiences it for themselves will learn ways to mask, if possible. I, too, threw my life into getting and keeping a job. I was always seen as more conscientious than most others and had little or no life outside work. The work-social things I ended up doing were never fun at all. They were just ways to not stand out, but in some ways dangerous since it is easier for the mask to slip in these unscripted situations. As you listed some of the autistic news items, I had the thought that the world is in terrible shape. I don't consume regular news either, but still find out what is happening almost by osmosis. If this is the best NTs can do to run a world, characterized by lies, deceit, backstabbing, and much much worse, I don't see what they have to brag about. Instead they bully autistic people for being different. Or they look the other way. As a group, they should be different than they are, that's for sure. And it makes me wonder how many of the sane things are the result of conscientious autistic people holding things together. I know there are conscientious NT people, but are they only the rare ones like your current supervisor? It's a sobering thought, wondering how many honest, hard-working people are actually holding things together. (both autistic and NT). Thank you for your insightful videos.
It's still a shame only 21% of Autistic people are employed, the lowest number of all disability groups. Good bosses are hard to find, as is finding somewhere that doesn't focus on the fluff instead of the substance. Thank you for your kind words 👍🏻
Thanks Paul. I was recently diagnosed at the age of 60, masking is very much a survival mechanism for me My brain seems like it is stuck in survival mode I guess masking without realizing it for all those decades dose that to you. The though of unmasking while still trying to maintain employment for me is terrifying, I don't think it wold go down well with my employer either.
I totally get you. I feel the same with those that are closest to me. I’ve let the mask slip to gauge their reactions and found they will not get me at all if I unmask. To me that’s terrifying. It’s definitely a survival mode, trying to fit in, trying to be “normal”. It’s bloody exhausting and because I’m 60 now, even more so. I just don t have the energy like I had when I was younger
Yes, survival mode! I've been in that mode my entire life. I'm also 60 years old, recently diagnosed autistic (5 months ago). Yeah, most employers don't take too kindly to behaviors that are anything out of societal norms.
I think that we ( autistic ppl ) are an improvement on modern humans. I find that we are kind hearted and empathetic and that is what the world needs. It's society that's fucking wrong
I wouldn't say 'modern' because I think we were always there, in every tribe: shamans, seers, trackers, wise women, smiths, and more often than other - teachers or 'improvement' because how can you compare things unlike each other?
I was diagnosed early on as a child (late 1990s) but I was too proud, didn't want to stand out much. I do try to be more of my authentic autistic self now but I don't really know what that is. I can't tell when I am masking and I can't tell when I am not and I don't know if it even matters as long as I have my separate space for time out from the world. A lot of autistic traits are still defined by what is supposedly wrong with us, rather than our strengths first and how our strengths could actually solve a lot of modern problems. I convinced those of us autists who are successful are the inventors, scientists, engineers, artists etc and always have been. But there is also a huge impossible gap where so many of us just struggle and get held back by so many things. We definitely tolerate a lot more than NT people realise.
One thing I've noticed is whether I am living from the inside-->outward. That's part of what I define as my unmasked self. In other words, what do I think and feel. Masking is as if I'm observing myself and my behavior and trying to match it to what I think others want but then this confused me about who I really am. However, I can intentionally mask from the inside outward if I think it's in my best interest and that means I'm unmasked to myself, but meeting social expectations so I don't get a lot of grief. This would be important to keep a job that has other rewards (part of my special interest, for example).
@@AdultwithAutism The high-5 is the best! It offers a sense of fun and acknowledgement, but it's over quickly and with limited physical contact (although some people are a bit heavy-handed with the high-5, and it can be a bit jarring for me).
Funny thing: I teach. Somehow it is my autistic students who always want to hug me, and the older students (college) think it is funny how I stiffen up and get all uncomfortable about it. My younger ones (grades 1-6) just need a tight squeeze, and I figure they need it and I also believe that we all deserve what we need. So I submit, for the happiness of my students, and I can laugh along with the older ones, and send love to the smaller ones, while super-cringing inside. Such a mind tangle...
I turned the handshake into a mental game, I don't have a very strong grip so I always try having a firmer handshake than the other person and I pet myself mentally when I do, I learned later on that a firm handshake is something good somehow to neurotypicals, so I ended up in good graces by pure chance. I'm lucky that I'm not that averse to physical contact as most people with autism tho.
I agree hugs are scary, and a dead giveaway, because I go stiff, even when my mom tries it Sometimes if I fell good, and brave enough I do vulcan "Live long and prosper" hand sign in greeting, and it sets them off, and they wouldn't want to touch me anymore, sometimes making a face, that to me looks like of a person seeing something disgusting, like covered in germs, and if it doesn't set them off it is possible they might actualy be friendly types
The world has way too many violent people which is worst than having a disability. My son has autism and some kids tried to make him hit another kid in the swimming pool. He turned around and said he was not going to play anymore. He used his instinct and I told him I was very proud of him for listening to his inner voice that kept him safe. He learned that skill at school with proper coaching.
I was bullied relentlessly in school, and many times other kids would try to get me into a physical fight. But I'm not a fighter, and I wouldend up just crying and saying "leave me alone". After a few minutes of that, and they would usually give up and walk away. I hope they felt bad, but my guess is probably not.
@@music-is-my-world-83 I agree. I've tried explaining things to friends and often end up telling them to watch videos about autism by autistics. It hits different when its someone else saying it, then reading the comments on the videos and seeing its not just the friend saying these things, it is a LOT of autistics saying the same thing the friend is trying to express.
I'm undiagnosed but test highly on all the tests and have similar experiences. I was beaten and betrayed constantly when I was younger. I work in the far east now because foreigners are expected to be different. I applied for a thousand jobs last time I tried to get work in the UK and managed five interviews. Didn't get any of them. I took my CV to two companies to get it improved and they asked to use it as a template because it was so good. I spent so long asking why it all happened to me.
My heart breaks for you, and for any other autistic person suffering so much. I can completely understand why taking off the mask might not be possible or safe. Unmasking is a privilege. Sticking out may mean your head gets cut off. I've never had struggles at school, uni or the work place. Maybe because I managed to mostly avoid crowded places, social events, worked on my own, etc. And I think I may have escaped into marriage and kids, controlling my own environment. But I've always known I was different. I've never wanted to fit in. Why? These people, these rules, do they even make any sense? I don't know whether I'm autistic. I can relate to a lot what you say. I suspect I've learnt to mask since a very young age. I'm so confused, am I autistic or not? I can't even test how I react to other people and situations, because chronic illness confines me to home and bed, and I don't have any family or friends who visit. Problem or blessing in disguise? I can be as silly, stimmy, weird as I want at my home, on my own. No one to mask for. Ugh. I guess time will tell.
You've done the right thing whether or not you're Autistic. You've taken the time to know your triggers, what you need and don't need, and stay between them where you can. It's so important 👍🏻
Thanks so much Paul, been binge watching your content since I discovered your channel last week. Have to say its been the best happy accident. Bravo from a fellow traveller whose laser-guided insight (and gentle rage) hopes to catch up with yours very soon.
@@AdultwithAutism Top quality stuff mate I relate deeply, we need more people to voice this problem thank you bro. Watching your content really helps get new perspectives on this stuff and understanding what I've been dealing with.
Thanks paul another great vid i have noticed at work since i have relaxed my masking a shift in people it does affect promotions and as you said they cant seem to grasp its a job i dont want or need 7.5 hpurs of social updates and chit chat just let me earn my wage and let me live my life without the constant judgement ... ive really stopped caring what folk think just do the job and keep looking for a perfect job that doesnt exist at least for autistic males. something ive noted working with an possiblly asd young lass 22yrs old we both have so many simulator traits the big differences is her traits & mistakes are looked as cute and endering whilst mine get reprmans and bullying . such is life i guess
This was a great video Paul and I thank you for making it but I wasn't expecting it to resonate so much that I've been triggered by it. Hate using that word as it's thrown around so much by people that simply don't like something or used as a bullying tactic to silence others. What I mean is I feel sick, anxious and have had a whole bunch of awful flashbacks to my various prior jobs and dissociating a bit (aka triggered -and I'm rarely triggered). Still, your video actually helped me look at those awful situations in a different way (I'd not thought of them in years) so thank you, I've been able to re-evaluate those past events. You hit the nail on the head for us who have to work as we may not have the support structure or family in place to help if we didn't work. Yes it can be demonstrably bad for our health forcing ourselves into unsuitable environments but if you find a job that you feel you CAN cope with (most of the time), you don't want to cause yourself unnecessary strain by dropping the mask. That's more than understandable. Yes masking is bad for your health but not as bad as being stuck living in a bad area that you cant leave because you have no money. Living in an area where you're scared going to sleep in case you're broken into or to go to the shop for milk in case you're jumped is more traumatic than masking -which you'd have to do anyway or you'd get jumped even more. If someone can drop the mask great but if not then no one should be pressured to. Then there's the can of worms that a lot of late diagnosed adults don't know what the mask is and what it isn't half the time because it's so deeply ingrained by this point. Sorry, that turned into a huge waffle 😅 side effect of the nerves still not settling yet I think. Hope you have a good evening
Thank you, Paul. I am 73 and worked for 50 years with the mask on. I am retired now, and thanks to you for taking the time and effort to explain this, I can now set the mask down for short periods and really feel free. Thanks, my brother.
Thank you. I just got my diagnose at age of 58. I have been thinking about this unmasking and you nailed it; after all these decades, I have to get this to the goal - survive in the job and finally get my pension. It took too long to start ”normal joblife”. I was 40 when I learned to be strong enough to start working. At age of 45 I finally got my master degree and permanent job. I am working with disable young people, but I think that my collegues don’t want to have disbled working mate. In the other hand I can now tell better my needs to my emplyer and I told to my boss about diagnose. I am now in the edge of my recourses and it is a win-win situation to the both parties to find out the best possibilities to continue. So I am masking and in the other hand opening something about my true self. Balancing, that it is. A fear about bullying. Because it is happening any case. Such people are. Maybe that’s why I am still masking. Try to have ”teflon” surface to be alive.
We have to mask to carry on, because people won't accept us no matter how much they pretend they do. I've only ever found one person per workplace who has been kind enough to understand my differences. And thankfully the older I get, there are also people who just don't care so long as I can get on.
I have my psych appointment today and I have to make sure I'm not masking. I'm so used to doing that EVEN with psychiatrists. I feel it's been harmful because they've never even considered it could be Autism rather than the category they just put me in. I hope I can get that closure and diagnosis soon. Because if I'm not then why do I relate to so many videos both of the good and the REALITY of what the truth is. I relate so much and feel it so deeply that I've been robbed. Now, 10 years later not even knowing what Autism was aside from the perpetuated stereotypes, that I highly suspect I am Autistic. I need to talk about this with the psych and I hope that they take me seriously and that the process gets taken seriously to "professionally conclude" this.
I wish you the best, and hate to say it, but generally the people in the psych industry, the counselors too, don't. And some of them can be bullies too, and manipulative. I'm so grateful for the autistic people on RUclips!
Thank you. It feels so good to hear somebody talk straight. Now, finally aware of my autism (and ADHD) after 60+ years of being puzzled about myself and masking - not to be singled out as too odd - I am at a loss about ”unmasking”. It is a very complicated thing and I believe I will never stop masking completely because the world is what it is. I now realize that my being different has cost me a lot: even now, being a fairly successful writer for 20 years, I suffer because I simply cannot do the hobnobbing and networking that would secure those friends in right places who write reviews and give grants to writers. I cannot do everything like the others, but I am so used to masking, for my safety, for my peace, to get by and earn money, that I do not understand the easy talk about unmasking and ”being just yourself”. I cannot flap my hands and sing and chatter by myself and pace around etc when there are others around, but now at least I am not ashamed of those things and think that I am a nutcake: that is a long step forward and I am happy about it.
Man, you talking about just wanting to work made me kinda teary-eyed. I wish work could just be work and not like some kind of big social construct. I honestly get sick of the whole concept of “authenticity”. I don’t have an original self to go back to, I have been building and refining my mask since before I can remember! And besides that, masking doesn’t make me inauthentic. I do this by choice, I do this because I care. The real me is the one who realizes that no one speaks my native language, so I make an effort to speak and understand their language. That is like, really sweet and open-minded of me, honestly. 🤷♀️ The real me is considerate - tired, but considerate - and I wish people would just recognize my efforts and thank me instead of trying to use the whole Disney “be yourself” dogma on me. People that mask work hard and do a good job and should be appreciated for trying to understand a culture that’s foreign to them. If someone tried to act a little neorodivergent for me to try to make me more comfortable, I would love them forever probably. Hahaha I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot lately and you posted this. Thank you for all your hard work, you’re the first and also my favorite autistic person I’ve followed online because I like how you just keep it real. Even if you do mask during the videos, you still really keep it real and I appreciate it.
A few years ago I kept thinking "Why do people treat me this way?". I finally realized "because they can". I don't think it's been a lifetime of being on the receiving end of really mean stuff because I'm different per se, but I'm an easy target. Bulliies, thieves, narcissists, etc, don't go against their own and people who will bark back and can defend themselves. At age 55 I've learned to handle myself better, but I'm just so worn down by now.
I have been bullied out of school and work my whole life. And this was while masking to the best of my ability. Discovered I'm (probably) Autistic a few months ago. Waiting on my assessment. I'm turning 34 next month but I am so damn worn down, I feel like a 100 years old. I have been binging your videos. My 'version' of Autism is very similar to yours. Very relatable. Thanks for being you!
Its always so validating to watch your videos. ❤ As someone in their early 30s working in retail, living my life 'unmasked' is not possible. I am true to my self by working part time in a speciality store that caters to an area I love and spend my days off at home living as unmasked as possible. This does mean i go with out many things a lot if people in this society believe to be necessary but i am perfectly fine without. And I have 3 qualifications that i could put to use and make upwards of 3 times what i make now to have those things and be considered an extremely successful member of society. I have even tried this for several years. And it just didnt work for me. Finding what works for you personally is always the best option. If living life 'openly autistic' is the best fit for somone, then good for them. If the best fit for someone is spening a fixed amout of time masked so they function in society, then good on them.
I can't watch this video yet because it would mess up my order but I wanted to leave a comment and I don't think you can on Spotify. I've been listening to your series on Spotify and I just wanted to say thank you. I found out I was autistic during covid and apparently my parents had me diagnosed as a kid and decided to hide it from me my entire life. It's been like getting a late diagnosis combined with finding out everyone's been deceiving you your entire life. You're one of the most relatable people I've ever come across and it's been a huge help. Also you're completely justified in the decision to not pay for your dad's funeral. I'll probably jump over to RUclips once I'm caught up and not binging everything to get caught up. Have a good day man.
Oh wow! They never told you?! That's...different to say the least! Glad you're over here. The series are not on Spotify as of yet, just a heads up. Only the general videos / audio goes on there 👍🏻
Thank you for speaking truth. So many people make it sound so easy to just be yourself, but it’s not so simple. A lifetime of trauma from bullying has built a wall blocking us from unmasking. You should be the spokesperson for autistic adults because you tell it as it is. Thank you!!!
Hello from another Paul. Your channel is proving to be a breath of fresh air for me and I wish I'd discovered it sooner -- we don't agree on everything, which is fine as I certainly get your energy and I think I have a similar vibe. I was diagnosed at 54, after a long waiting list and a seriously intense assessment, but the autistic community doesn't speak for me either -- they can be helpful, but sometimes the way they try to police me just makes me want to kick back against them. However, NTs can be hopeless too - like I try to be open about being autistic, but, ever since my diagnosis, people just don't treat me the same. It's hard to explain, but I think you'll understand -- it's like I've lost my credibility as a human being or something. Anyway, thank you for your channel and all the best.
Hi Paul, thank you 1:04 so much for being around. I’m 54, spent all my life playing ‘a part’ in life. You actually made me laugh and smile a few times. Your videos are amazing, pin point. Everything you say resonates. Failed situations, failed relationships. After 54 years Ingot hit by the ‘Autism train’ and a year later I’m still trying to understand why me!?!? All the best my friend, and keep smiling 😂
I have had to mask my whole professional life also. I worked for 19 years as a receptionist in a busy health clinic. It was torture and is what made me turn to alcohol everyday after work. Then I disclosed my autism diagnosis. You’d think I said I was a serial killer from the reception I got. I was then bullied unrelentingly for the next three years, until 6 months ago I had a breakdown. I developed FND and C-PTSD with active suicidal ideation. I am now unemployed, depressed and terrified of the future. I’m also really angry at the injustice of it all.
We mask because others don't want to tolerate us, never forget that. It's the fundamental reason. It's unfortunate what happened to you...a story all too common from Autistic people, but don't let those types of idiots grind you down 👍🏻
this is so relatable, as an adult autistic myself just got diagnosed at 33yo and have built professional life that really makes it almost impossible to unmask while at work. Love your content!! keep the good work!
Hi Paul, excellent video! Masking is a hard one. I have been trying to unmask at work and to some extent it has been positive. To completely unmask would be problematic. I openly stim but it is mild compared to my normal stimming. I am open about being autistic as eye contact is still quite hard for me. I am very good at faking it, but people can still pick up on it. Plus faking it consumes a lot of my attention so I miss a lot of what is being said. I also agree with you that we are not the problem. To completely unmask just isn’t possible for me at work. A good example is that I sometimes mention that I have Tourettes as well. I am a master at suppressing my ticks but a few have asked me to let some ticks out and all of them laughed. Really hurts so I will not do that again. Another point is that I often mention being bullied as a child and most say that is human nature. Really?! How is any of that going the change if that is what the majority thinks? Again, we are not the problem. I also have to say that I laughed when you mentioned a gang of autistic people! We would probably go around being nice🙃🤣. Thanks for another great video!
Hey Bryan. If it's human nature to bully...then why don't we bully people? Such a silly response...probably by bullies! I'd like gangs of Autistic people around instead of the usual suspects. Asking people politely to return their shopping carts and not leave them strewn across the car parks etc. A bit of civility that's gone astray! 😂
So much of this talk resonated with me. I too am well-employed (until the contract ends @ EOY) and I love my work, but I don't like or understand the power games some managers play, and they don't like my brutal honesty. But I defend my team and I tend to outproduce everyone, so that helps.
Very true. Power play and job titles will never impress me, but letting me know you just bought a new comfy sweater to relax on on the weekend...now I'm invested 😂
another interesting subject - I am mostly unmasked (apart from work where I need to be) - and I still need to lock myself away for the rest of the time to reset and decompress - thank you for sharing this interesting topic
Thank you so much for this video. I needed to have someone finally validate my experiences, felt like i was going crazy here. It's not a tiny portion of people who doesnt understand and treats us in this way like you said; its the vast majority; and only a tiny minority makes an effort not to dehumanize us. I have been made felt by the world that I am the problem and that I am just a cynic. Now i know I'm not the problem and can stop beating myself up for not conforming to their senseless demands and expectations. Thank you for encouraging smiling as well, I know this comes from a deep place in your heart.
Its nice to hear the truth of it. It's very validating to hear what I've learned vs all the other channels that just push you to unmask and live true to yourself. When in reality this world shames you for being different. Even learning as teen about my autism i still ended up heavily masking. Very rarely did any good come from admitting it to anyone.
I luckily was never led away and assaulted. Instead, people would pretend to be my friend as a way to keep close and steal my money or borrow some and not pay me back. I have a hard time trusting anyone. Neurotypicals can be pretty awful.
Yup, at age 55 I'm finally realizing the obvious, people target me. I've been betrayed so many times but still way too trusting- until now, this past year, thank God. Most people do have ulterior motives.
I hate that we’re a lot more vulnerable in such cases than our neurotypical peers, like it’s a bad thing. It’s really frustrating to us that we want to connect with others around us, but how are we supposed to know who we can trust, even when the ones we trust turn around and stab us in the back. Who can we really believe?
YOU ARE FFING AWESOME - first video of yours I have seen and I cannot tell you enough, bloody amazing. thank you for what you do. Just knowing there's ppl like you out there keeps me somewhat sane. x
I feel very similar to you on this idea. I know how exhausting it is to mask so I can do a job that I know I’m good at, but that does drain me by doing it. If I were to be my “authentic self” , I don’t know if I would be able to still do that job. The thought of looking for a more autistic friendly career scares me to my core. The people involved are always the most complex component, we have good days and bad. Cheers to finding the balance.
My 9 year old autistic daughter was recently called a weirdo by a full grown man because she was stimming. I reported it to the police as a hate crime and they said there was nothing they could do because it was a lack of education not a hate crime. My daughter now hasn’t left the house for over 2 weeks because the guy who said it lives next door and she now thinks it was ok for the man to say this to her. Even the laws that are ment to protect her aren’t being followed through so what hope is there
Hi Paul, im 36, i wss diagnosed with autism, February, 2022 and i have a learning disability, dyscalculia and i have short term memory issues as well. I dont work, ive been found unfit to work but with masking ive masked i think since i was really young amd i think its actually helped me to get along in society but its exhausting. Been listening to your podcast on Spotify amd i looked up your RUclips channel.
I understand your view point about masking. Unmasking is not safe at times... in public... especially for stocky bearded guys... people would view you as a threat. How can you earn money to have your needs met , to exist, to live... when most jobs include wearing the mask. I could unmask as a homeless person... I could unmask as an artist if I was successful enough to get by with it. I could unmask if I had the privilege of others supporting me. But the reality is it must be nice to be able live in a world where you can unmask but if you dont have the support systems in place to do that it can result in, as a female (speaking from experience) being raped, homeless, or locked up in a psychiatric institute. Lol that just got dark. I think a lot of autistic adults get left behind... so I appreciate your videos... and communicating your perspective even while masking. It is just a language that neurotypical and neurodivergent people can both relate too. So hopefully it bridges the gaps in understanding and makes society slightly more accepting towards others. Your videos are helping me understand things better about myself, the struggle, why, and how I interact with the world. ❤
It did get dark, but accurate of how things can be if we trust in others and processes before we trust our instincts. All I want if to have things available so people Autistic or not can see a different side and type of Autism. One that just wants to be accepted without something in return.
You explained exactly how i feel every single day... I was one of those kids that i thought other kids were my friends just to be bullied, or hit. I will never be able to unmask, l wish i could bur that will never be my reality. Thank you for sharing this video... it's so nice to not feel alone in the world having to live this way.
This time I watched you on a big screen, and I could only see your smily eyes (Now I think you saying "I don't like smiling" would be more accurate if I knew you add in your mind silently 'on demand'), that I recognize from my reflection in the mirror, the eyes of amused cynic. There is so much absurd around it is hard not to notice it, but it is not all doom, and gloom, there is so many little things that gives joy, you just need to notice therm to appreciate, or look at differently, to make them seem funny, right? But it's hard to do it outside, were we have yo mask to survive.
Just rewatched and each time I hear more. What struck me this time is how much conformity is valued by NT's. They spend much of their energy policing people, every little tiny thing that you do that is different makes them go off balance, apparently. It's like they are always scanning others for a small difference. It's very weird. There must be real fear of difference. I think that this is also their undoing ultimately. Even those who claim to be different often do it adhering to some atypical group pattern that everyone else in that group agrees with. Is it that autistic people are more individual and that's what can't be tolerated? Apparently people who have written about AI chats have noted that it's often way off base, inaccurate, way wrong. (I don't speak from experience since I've never done these AI chats.) Perhaps it's wrong because AI gets its information from the majority (NTs) who don't care about accuracy, just about parroting what others like them think and say. It's a big echo chamber, but not very useful.
What I have come to notice about when something changes is that for some reason, non personal things are taken personally. So trying to change things is near impossible as it goes from right and wrong, to win or lose. I've been denied things out of spite when it was no effort at all, just because it would have meant me getting something in my favour. It's an odd world.
Deep down this might just be something left over from the olden times, when the tribe was essential. The uncanny valley effect may also apply, where people tend to get irritated if something appears human (like a robotic avatar, animated characters, etc.) but does not act in the expected way. Makes sense in relation to autistic folks, since most struggle with their social auto pilot. I tend to have a set type of behaviours for different types of social interactions and struggle in situations where i have no or not enough experience to apply to. "The vibe is off" kind of situations happen a lot then. It may simply be something coded into humans, to adhere to a strict group thinking and remove or at least avoid anything that does not fit. Makes sense from a survival point of view.
Paul !! hey its been a while, i hope you and little george are well ? you have given me so much to think about in this video. As a autistic woman , i may do a living openly autistic video your an amazing person, with so much fantastic input.
After the psychiatry took away a huge part of my medications I cannot mask the way I could before and realize that people can’t stand me. I’m almost 60 and don’t know how to go back and I really try to not doing things people perceive as ”wrong”.
I'm also a late diagnosed autistic person who still masks in certain situations where it would be unsafe for me to do so. I think that many autistic people do think in absolutes (I've struggled with this myself), so the push to unmask by certain autistic people sounds like a mandate at times, a "you must do this to be happy" without really taking into account that some people don't have the luxury to freely unmask in all situations. I'm unmasked with people I trust.
With unmasking comes great consequence. I'd need about 5 million pounds to do it safely, because my entire structure would fall down! It's much easier said than done 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism I'm feeling the same way. I'm in the US. My partner and I can own a home because both of us work full time. We both need that safe, private space to be happy and healthy. It takes two full incomes to pay for and maintain it. The alternative is that we divorce and I fight tooth and nail for disability benefits and go live in a rundown apartment with lots of loud and unpredictable and often unstable neighbors and would never be allowed to have more than $2000.00 in my bank account at any given time. If I can maintain what I'm doing now and nothing catastrophic happens then we should be able to retire comfortably. It sucks on a day to day basis. Especially when I have a workday with back to back meetings. I have to use a lot of my paid time off just to have mental health days to recuperate (or deal with some of the health problems I have which many are exacerbated by stress). I do what I can to mitigate the effects. I miss out on a lot of things because I don't have the energy to participate in the world because I have to work. But the alternative is worse for me. Plus I really don't want to divorce my spouse just to get a paltry stipend and live in crap housing and be kept impoverished forever.
I am not saying this is the case for you, but you'd be far from the first person who would be living with a partner, or in a lot of cases, ex-partner because you can both be amicable and share a good space or live in a good area because the alternative is a worst case scenario. I've had many emails talking of such things. But working all week to have no energy or interest to do anything come weekend is the story of my life! 👍🏻
7:43 I completely feel the same way. It's so sad... My manuerisms and vocalisations would be so different or extra if I were able to unmask in public. Man... It would nice. But would I have my current job? Probably not.
Omg I hear you so much and appreciate you for saying what you feel, I am 68 years old and have just found out i am autistic. I hear what your life was like as i lived it as well. The label of crazy and anger issues, never understanding how to mix with others, losing jobs due to angry outbursts, On the other hand being told continually that I was a genius (lol) because I could run a company to a degree of prosperity I could never have in my life. I have a sadness of lost years of enjoying my weirdness. Thank you again I don't feel alone now.
Openly unmasked would mean I would most likely not bother going to work because I would not care. Not really speak to many people and if I did I would upset everyone by expressing my true opinions People would see me as being a rather unpleasant person even though to me none of it’s meant to be unpleasant. 🤔🤔.
I'd live as a recluse and never see another human for the rest of my days if I was fully unmasked. As much as I'd like that, I'd be branded poorly by others who wouldn't understand 👍🏻
Most Autistic people have a strong sense of logic, truth, honesty, and justice. Don't care about egos, job roles, posing by fancy cars at night with a pair of sunglasses on as if it makes you cool. We are definitely more normal in that regard 👍🏻
Masking is a survival skill and mechanism. As a fellow late diagnosed autistic your experience resonates. I do stim, constantly - in "socially acceptable" ways for a female like hair twirling and subtle toe wiggles & finger flicks
Could you do a vid on depression attacks?? Every freaking week for a month I'm at work trying to pay rent but I need to leave because I get very un-lifey. My managers are really supportive & at Amazon they had me call their hotline 3 weeks ago & I had an immediate hour long session with a free therapist, while still in my warehouse. The woman on the phone even knew about late undiagnosed female aspies & masking. They asked if I wanted to go to the ER & since I was almost out of my gabapentin, I agreed because I could get some more from the ER. So 2 cop cars came to my work, frisked me & drove me there. Thank God it was outside & before lunch so no coworkers saw it. I got my Rx but other than that it didn't help... was more stressful than helpful. I don't see any hope. I'm going to just lie to my mom (because she has a history of invalidating me) and say I've had to take a while off work for a kidney stone. And lying doesn't bother me 1 bit because I'm desperate. She's 80 & has a sugar momma she rents a room in her house. But the other old lady hasn't been charging my mom rent, so I know she has $$ to give me for rent. And the old woman is a retired teacher & owns land so I'm pretty sure she has money too. Since they don't truly want to understand me, I'm resorting to that kidney stone lie because I'm desperate & don't want to be homeless again (I was stuck couch surfing for 10 yrs and just finally got an apt last year). That 10 yrs of couch surfing was in Arizona but now I moved to Missouri so I don't know anyone here & so instead of couch surfing I'm worried I'd have to go to a homeless shelter. Lots of good it did work my ass off for my chemistry degree. And I relocated last year before I realized I had autism so I didn't know that moving 1200 miles, hauling a 12 foot tailer all by myself would add unnecessary stress. But I did what you're "supposed" to do... I couldn't survive financially in Arizona so I got out to try to make a life for myself somewhere where cost of living was lower & wages were higher. Ugh, everything is so freaking futile, I hate it!! I don't want to die! I know I don't. But these depression attacks take me over 😞 I do strongly believe we could be the next step in human evolution. And this is what it looks like. Nice!! Not.
If we could be true to our design, remove all the non essential interaction to focus on the work, things would be much better. It's a shame there isn't an alternative outlet for you to change your role up for your 'off' week, as it sounds like you have great employers.
Its next to impossible to unmask, especially in the workplace. I work for a company that is a disability support provider, and because I’m not one of the supported people I am expected to behave in a certain Neurotypical manner. I’m barely holding onto this job and it makes me sick to see this attitude!
Update. I ended up having to leave this job because of the bullying from the boss. It was a very bad culture. Good news, I have moved on to a job where my neuro divergent talents are very appreciated. Moral to this story. Value yourself, and don’t settle for second best.
@@AdultwithAutism Thank you, I am working on it every day and I have some good moments. Overall I am glad I got the clarification. It basically explained my entire life to me, and that's been very helpful. I don't really feel bad about myself now, as I did before. That's priceless. I don't want to be someone else. I have accepted myself and that's huge. So I am glad I know, but I guess I will never know why I had to be a senior citizen before I got to find out. That makes me sad, but better late than never I say. I am also not as depressed as I was before. So, I am still here for a reason, and my story is not finished... Thank you for your content Paul. It is very helpful.
@@AdultwithAutism Well TBH I am not in a position or place to where I could get a professional diagnosis, so I don't go around telling anyone that I "have ASD". I am not wanting to get unwanted or unnecessary attention in any way, this is for me mainly to get myself sorted out. I came to the conclusion that I am on the spectrum, definitely neurodivergent, through many years of suffering and research, tests, learning, and living with it, and everything that goes with it. I personally in my situation don't need to tell anyone that "I am autistic" because I can mostly function fairly well in public (meltdowns mostly come later in my car or when I make sure no one can see me), and I don't have to go out much anymore in any case. I have only told a couple of medical providers but not all because they treat me like I am crazy. 😒Also since I am older, and retired widow, I only have to deal with my daughter (and her narcissist abusive BF) and 3 grandchildren. On the outside, I only have 3-4 "friends" left, mostly by my choice after ND confirmed for myself. So since I can't get a professional diagnosis, I just live my life ODAT and I am not really terribly interested in "labeling" myself as anything, I am just me, and I am finally making changes for the better for myself after I had the clarification on neurodivergent, whether that's called autism for ME or something else. But for me, the ASD really seems to fit more than anything else and I am extremely self aware and a mature person at my age 67, because of everything I went through and what I finally learned from it. I am a lot more protective of myself now. It never occurred to me before about autism. I never heard of it until I was maybe 40?! But I do have a 14 year old grandson who is also neurodivergent/Aspie/ADHD/ODD and I have also learned a lot because of him. So for me, I am very clear about myself and I am very comfortable telling appropriate/safe people that I am neurodivergent and I usually don't go further than that because I don't want to be rejected anymore by anyone. It is for me to know myself and be the best person I can be. Not as worried about other people anymore because I don't have to go into the public very much and I live very far away from even a town. Some times I feel very sad (for a "lost life") but it comes and goes. I had a hard time in life with many major tragedies and traumas. ASD basically explains my life for me as I reframed. It is my wish now that I just like as much peace and quiet as I can get. I don't know if I am going to get that or not due to cost of living and fixed retirement income, but I can go in the woods if I need to 😊. I have to be able to accept myself as I am though, even if I don't have the ability to get a formal diagnosis. I took my time, took tests, and bought books and studied, and talked to some people with experience, had other previous mental health diagnoses (albeit incorrect), etc. Maybe that's why I don't go around saying that I am autistic, because I don't want to put up with people's ignorance. I just needed to find out about myself finally. I agree with you about all the social media autistic stuff. I got off social media before I even sorted out definitely about ASD. But there's a lot of it on RUclips and I quit watching it, it really got on my nerves, and I couldn't relate to it or listen to it. But I can relate to your videos. Thank you again, take care, all the best, Joy from East Texas 🙂
I was suggested your channel today, so I gave it a go, and I'm so very glad I did. I have never left a comment on any channel, and I've been on this platform for time, but your every word speaks volumes to me. Not a single person I've encountered in life has understood or described the way I have always felt, and still feel, with such detail. Nice one fella! I've never hit subscribe so quickly 👍
Thank you for your video. Masking is so exhaustive, but I don’t feel safe enough to drop it. I’m on the long waiting list for a diagnosis at the moment and your videos are helping me to understand myself.
I've been enjoying your videos very much. I'm in the U.S. At the age of 75, I've begun to think I have autism. I'm having a professional diagnosis done and haven't received the results yet. I have a degree in education, but I was never able to successfully navigate a job interview to become a classroom teacher. Eventually I did get a position, but I worked my way into it without an interview. You are such an attractive man and so well spoken, it seems strange to me that you were bullied or persecuted by other people. The culture where you live must be quite different than what I've experienced. Some of the ways you describe yourself remind me very much of my son, who possibly is autistic, too. I'm quite concerned about him. I enjoy listening to your accent -- you must have grown up somewhere in the north of England. Anyway, my compliments on the videos. I wish you the best.
Of course everyone sees when I am masking. But if I do not then I will be harrashed even more. Now I have been bullyied enough until today. Thank you for great content.
Great video - the idea of masking is important because I’ve read where others claim they don’t mask as much as they used to . My issue is every relationship(as shaky as they are currently) and the job I have is due to my ability to mask very well. If I didn’t mask then I would lose these things and my life would shrink to something unimaginable.. as completely exhausting as masking is - I realize it’s something I must do .. besides, I don’t really know who I am without the mask and there’s probably not much there
There is everything behind the mask. The problem is we wear them for so long we can't find where that ends and the real version of us begins. It's something I still consciously unpick everyday 👍🏻
I consent absolutely with what you have been saying about exploiting the good nature of autistic people. I was only diagnosed last year and even though I do look young, I am 30 years old by now. Behind my appearance I am so extremely different - only not in my humour - but basically everything else. Actually, no one can imagine that, probably some autistic people like me had a slight insight in what it may look like inside of me but it is a super small group. I do not come along with many autistics, even though I also do not know any nowadays since they are into this new wave stuff I do have no idea about and find it, that what I have seen, useless. I do not want to watch Tiktok all day or post pictures of my food on Instagram every 3 hours. I've had to watch tiktok once with my exgf and I was looking at her asking her totally flabbergasted if she was really enjoying watching 5 - 15 sec clips of people, who e.g. fail in igniting a new years rocket, resulting in the explosion of various cars in the neighborhood. I seriously doubted my sense of assessing people when she laughed about that and wanted to show me more of that stuff. Also, I do align with what you do say about that it is the majority of people, who actually behave like crazy, in effect - I mean it really in its original meaning - deranged and destructive and unhumanistic behaviour. Harming and hurting autistics, physically and specially, once older eminently, psychologically and however you want to call it - on a soul-level - something that goes deeper than psychological effects, I did not find a better name for it. Still at my workplace - as soon, from my POV, it is not extremely international - people are ignorant and will gaslight and "all other kind of stuff" you. I experienced this my whole life. Literally beginning in Kindergarten to school to university to being an employee. And me I do like to take part of social activities, but only when its balanced people - and even only balanced people are the rarest 2 percent I would say. An example from already some time ago: Mhh, I accidentally deleted my own message somehow; okay, again: When I was in Kindergarten I did not understand how to play tag. They explained it forcefully to me and me I said that I do not understand the sense of it running around and nudge other children and that I do not like it when others touch me without that I say it is okay. Then the nursery school teacher told all children to line up and to nudge me one after another. I got into panic but I froze already, I could not cry, I just said, that she really has to understand that I do not want that, because I did not like others to touch me. She smiled at me like she was doing something noble and said something like "Do not worry, we will make you enjoy playing tag. You will have fun." and I completely froze. The children all nudged me and laughed at me at times while the nursery school teacher only smiled to the laughing child and said smiling something like "do'n't laugh", but she smiled herself. This was pure hell for me. I froze and I could not cry, I could not do anything, but it literally hurt me when they touched me. I have had some weird experiences when I was young regarding touch, it just did hurt me in many occasions. After that I was completely unhinged while they forced me to play tag with the other children. But I could not run after a few meters, my legs got stiff and rigid, so I fell down. I could not talk anymore really, my body was so rigid I could not get up anymore, I stared around lying on the earth ground and when I think back I feel again that it felt like I was in a combat, even though I had no idea about combats back then - but from nowadays it remembers me of that. Then another kid got aware of me lying helpless on the ground. It called the other kids to laugh about me and to throw sand at me from the nearby sandbox while calling me a fraidy cat and laughed about me. I never talked about it at home, because there it has been the same experience. No wonder autistics do have a strong link to CPTSD. Wel, the only thing I do not really understand in your video - and if you found time to clarify it, I was able to better understand your meaning related to the sentence in which you say, forgive me that I summarize it now only somehow, I am aware you've said it differently: "I only want to do my job and then go home." Do you mean thereby that you are generally not interested in your job or is it more related to that you do not want to join social gatherings after work or go to lunch with everyone at the same time to basically sit around and listen to their conversations, that are so unaware that you get a brain-damage therefrom? I did not find out how you meant it. Because in that regards, I would be different then. I love the actual job I do, I take it super serious, but very humourously. I do work also in weekends, because I always have in mind that the more I work, the more I learn, the more I learn, the more adverse experiences I will have, the more of them, the better my ability of easily tackling whatever issue, not just at work, generally in life, will become. Thank you for sharing this personal video. Since you shared your personal ideas and thoughts, I wanted to also share some of mine, since I think what you give, you should get back. I will check now your older videos while drawing. I hope you are doing okay, keep smiling as well.
Thanks for the message. In relation to your question about doing my job and going home...I mean it two fold. First, I have zero connection to the social aspects related. Chit chat, personal conversation etc. Secondly, because of that, it makes work very difficult. If there was a scenario where I could leave the house, complete my day, and never verbally communicate without being in a world that judges you for it, I'd genuinely do much better 👍🏻
thank you for your clarification :). Actually, I will upload next week a conversation with a clinical psychologist from the U.S. about pathological narcissism in a work-environment. Since you mentioned this "judging" part, I think you could benefit from watching it. This is not a self-promotion, I could also tell you to study the next 5 years pathological narcissism and all schools of psychology to come to an own assessment. And besides, sorry, I need still to ask something to understand you better: I mean, you do talk alot in your videos. And I can relate to many things very much. So, is it that you just do not like chitchat, because me I do not like that either. Or is it because you generally are not interested in other people? Because that creates a logic error in my head: Because you do talk alot about other people and their perceived impact on you. So, I think, actually, you are a very interested and curious human being. Otherwise you would not even mention all these observations you do make about others. A regular "normal" person would not realize these things. Or are you only interested in their behaviour since it makes you adapting yours? I ask so many things, because I do want to understand you right and correctly, not just assume something about you and thereby do not do your being - in the last instance - right. Thank you for your answer howsoever :). @@AdultwithAutism
My videos are me talking 'to' people, not 'with' people. I struggle with the exchange in conversation if that makes sense? I don't get to speak from an Autistic perspective in everyday life, so this is my outlet to 'turn my thoughts into words', something I'd also never done. So now I just share whatever falls out of my face should anyone be curious to watch 👍🏻
I don't know if you'll read this but I just want to thank you. Just got my diagnose a month ago (at 36) and I can see myself reflected in your videos. Thanks a lot.
There is a huge danger in deciding to unadulteratedly "unmask," if "unmasking" means giving free vent to absolutely every whim, every instinct, every flight of fancy that springs from one's mood at the moment. If "masking" means not doing THAT, well, the whole world "masks." In other words, everybody has to exert SOME degree of self-control, self-denial, social compromise, convention, and the simple effort of accomodating to necessary circumstances that nobody really loves but seem to be the only way to get necessary things done. And I say this as an autistic man who knows in excruciating clarity what it means to face a committee meeting with horror, to feel like the earth is gaping wide surging to swallow me up into this black abyss. That's just one of innumerable social-sensory environments that are hell to me. What I'm doing now, at 66 years of age, eight months into my ASD realization, is to incrementally assert my prerogative based on my genuine ASD needs. I have greater freedom now, magnificently enhanced freedom, to say, "No, I can't do that; no, I DON'T do that; you know, I can do this a different way; look, here's what you need from me: A, B, C--you don't need me to sit there for an hour, you've already got it," etc. But it is a way, like a path through a jungle, that I'm picking through carefully, soberly, privately, and DEFINITELY without the least interest in any autism "group's" flavor-of-the-month gripe or whine or hobby horse. You know, there are lots of things that being autistic doesn't change. One of them is, a 65-year-old isn't a 16-year-old. And discovering you're autistic doesn't mean you've glommed onto a trendy victim-label for social cachet. One of the greatest ironies is, being autistic is very largely a matter of being alone ("auto"), of NOT taking to the "herd," and so it's hugely ironic that so many young people are glomming onto a herd-y, trendy, acting-out-y notion of "autism" as a "get out of jail free card" ("My daughter's autistic--you have no right to touch her, to arrest her, to make her accountable for her behavior!"). There is an intrinsic contradiction in "Autistic Just Like Us." Yes, there's more than one autistic person in the world, but it is of the very nature of autism that it cannot be packaged as a social movement. That is when it's a farce and parody. As they say, if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. All the commonalities that define the spectrum notwithstanding, there's a lot of truth in that.
There is a lot of truth in that, I agree. Unfortunately, Autism became 'trendy', and people started claiming they were Autistic. That became tough for people who were diagnosed and were hiding in plain sight, as people started being vocal with a 'look at me' mentality...something we generally shy away from. Off topic but related, the same happened with having a beard. No one had one, I was called scruffy. Then Hipsters became a thing, so then I was branded a Hipster. I was never and will never be a Hipster, but with these changes brought incorrect judgements. Just like with the new Autism wave 👍🏻
Again my friend u have hit the nail on d head! I am 59 n saw yr other videos n have just realized when listening to you that I am defo autistic! Yr videos r blowing my mind n u chat my kinda logic!!! Kp 'em coming.its like I found someone I can talk to! I have had so many burnouts nw its not funny your making so much sense n things that have hapnd to me that I didn't understand u've made sense in one video! Thank u
The more i unmasked the more violence you open yourself up to. I have to decided between bubbly, weird and overly trusting, or cold and detached. Nothing works. I flipped off my old boss who was bullying me after leaving my job and they tried running me off the road with their car while i was on a skateboard. Right after i came out as trans too. Im the first one to get cut from a job. Unmasking is when you know youre safe. You really have to go out of your way to find your people but in any group i feel this invisible wall form.
It's tough because we need to find who can be trusted as the person. A good natured person so is rare these days. People don't become trustworthy based over a set of circumstances, it's either in them or it isn't. I don't mind admitting I have gotten this part wrong a thousand times 👍🏻
Thanks, Paul. I'm 75 and I've been there. What a mess. My mum told me I was the most courageous person she knew. Time I started making videos, I reckon. Appreciate your work.
I have recently had a diagnosis (adult) after years of wondering. Long history of being treated for mental health conditions and wondering what’s wrong me me, socially, why I struggle so much in some environments etc. Only now so much makes sense. I can be kinder to myself. Your videos have really helped so much in my diagnosis journey. Just wanted to say thanks.
I was 43 when I found out. It sort of felt like a relief at first because a lot of rejection and social awkwardness suddenly made sense. But that boiling water… I was unable to contain by that time in my life, which is why I did the adult assessment in the first place, because I started manifesting more autistically to people on a regular basis and it was becoming visible, the side of me that I hid from everyone. What I found out, however, was that while it was a relief to know, it’s been difficult to discover the breadth of the effects. I know exactly what you mean about building a life on a mask and then revealing to people that that’s not really who you are. It reminds me of Jim Carrey going through a depressive episode and having everyone question the person that he was on the other side. He wasn’t the Jim Carrey that everyone knew. Everyone knows me to be a certain type of person to be able to work 13 hours for weeks on end and not show signs of stress except for private moments they don’t get to see. Suddenly showing all those people who I really am would look like I was going crazy. I’ve discovered the breadth of my masking I can pat my young self on the back for coming up with such a complicated mechanism to fitting in. And I just don’t have the confidence that people have taken off the social pressure that that young version of myself knew was there.
Staying on Jim Carrey, I've often felt like my life is the Truman Show. I can see the actual intention of others whilst they act completely differently.
New subscriber & late diagnosed at 40 after a massive burnout and my masked life went to shit. I find it excrutiating to put the mask back on now, even answering the door to the postman feels impossible. I relate to your experiences.
Love your videos, you are good at it, keep them up! I was diagnosed with asd 3 yrs ago at aged 27. 😊 I just started following you a few weeks ago keep going 👏🏻
Enjoying your videos! Yes, “masking” is essentially some behavior pattern we learned. I doubt we can stop applying them altogether. (I might get diagnosed, in my mid 40s. After diagnosis saying no about it, but the initial test didn’t make sense to me when I did the test without thinking in that frame of thought about my past)
Formally identified as autistic at 51 (+adhd). I get why you struggle to smash the mask. NHS manager once mentioned that I was quite senior for someone like me.
Peaceloving, altruistic creatives who feel everything should not need a label. The issue is all the narcissists in power, promoting their own culture of sociopathy & narcissism that we must conform to. Its always been this way narc Cain murdered righteous Abel because he was jealous; Joseph's brother's left him for dead & sold him to slavery because he was a "dreamer", the religios leaders tortured and murdered Jesus because His righteousness exposed their hypocrisy. Nothing has changed there will always be predators & prey, just do what you can to stay off their radar. Glad you have a safe place to retreat to, lunch alone at work & pj's YES can totally resonate. Although ive no diagnosis. All the very best to you 😎🙏
I've thought of that a lot, how Cain murdered Abel. I'm sure Abel never saw it coming! I remind myself a lot how Jesus was treated, and even after a horrible bloody scourging and a lot of blood loss, they were still spitting on Him, mocking Him, hurling contempt and hatred at Him, screaming for His death and the worst way possible. It's mind boggling. I've watched a lot on narcissism and it's helping me protect myself. It's a thoroughly narcissistic culture now, and the worst things glorified in the media and "entertainment".
I was bullied my entire childhood. Assaulted, kidnapped and tortured. One time I was choked in the middle of art class. I was randomly punched in the face for absolutely no reason so many times it didn't even bother me anymore. I just thought it was normal. How did I exact my vengeance you may ponder? I punished them in the worst possible way. I allowed them to live their life. I can't think of a worse punishment than being them.
That is quite profound! Not sure if it was meant that way. But it is a great point. We might be an outlet for those who don't have the capacity to accept difference, and then they go on to be an intolerant and short sighted adult in terms of their life. I always remember a bully of mine, I felt Karma got him back when he ended up in a winless situation as an adult. Heavily unbalanced in relation to a child saying and doing mean things to another child, versus what he went through...but I just saw a loss getting avenged! 👍🏼
Not having a mask is a foreign idea to me. I want to but I can't like making a phone call .. I CAN NOT do it. And people wonder why we were masks. This is making me tear up because it's so hard to live my life being what everyone else wants me to be so I feel safe. I'm terrified to go out. PTSD up the wazoo. It's nice and refreshing to hear a sensible person on social midea being real and not flashing and trying to sell themselves as ASD candy. Granted I appreciate some creators. But that jumpy cuts of film upset me. This is just like a nice smooth whisky. Not a bunch of jello shots 😅 sorry if that doesn't make sense.
My last employer gave me a hard time for not telling her I was autistic, she asked me why I didn't tell her, my response was that I didn't want to be treated differently. She still gave me a hard time, I worked very hard for 4 years and burnt out, they're no longer in business as they could never find any one who could do the same as I did. I was their longest serving employee, as they had a high turnover. They couldn't keep anyone long enough and I am surprised I managed it for as long as I did, to be honest. I ended up out of work because of a work related back injury and I am slowly recovering... But I have lost faith in employers after this experience....They only care about exploiting people.
Business is business, it isn't personal. I invested so much of myself personally everywhere I worked, but even the people I worked for didn't care as much as I did. The day I fell in line and just saw businesses as a transaction, the better it got. They need someone to do the work, I can do it...and I want that level of pay. Shake hands, done deal, expect no more unless they give more first 👍🏻
If you're autistic, going out into the neurotypical world without masking is like stepping into space without a spacesuit. However bulky and uncomfortable the suit is, it's still better than the alternative.
Very good comparison...I might steal that.
I've found the saddest thing about hunanity as a whole is we know better, but continue to do harm. Harm to people, to the planet, animals, everything and I'm just sick of it. I can't watch the news, either, because it's the same story, different day. I appreciate your honesty. Take care, Paul. 💛
Same Whitney. Its so hard as it really could start to get better from tomorrow if people woke up with a better mentality. Unfortunately, they don't. Hence the news!
@@AdultwithAutism For me, what drives me crazy is knowing that just a little effort to work together goes a long way, and yet, people refuse to inconvenience themselves slightly so things can be better for everyone, more than offsetting that slight inconvenience.
My favorite example is traffic in merge areas. If everyone gave a little attention to working together, it would go so much smoother for everybody, and yet, the majority of people are unwilling to go to the inconvenience of thinking about their surroundings and how they can make a small change to improve things. Simply spacing out a little bit so the car next to and ahead of you has a place to merge without interrupting the flow of traffic is too much inconvenience apparently.
People only care about the unimportant stuff like what their body looks like or other people doing what they want with their own bodies (tattoos, haircuts, clothes, men with makeup) or minorities gaining some rights (oh no that will affect me so much, time to get angry and protest). There are wars, and billionaires, and poverty, and homelessness, and r@pe, and it doesn't bother them. People who try to change the world annoy them so much. Or people who look and act different (without any harm). They're the problem.
Mate, someday I hope we’re down at a pub in our 60s-I look to my right & you to your left-we’re both drinking non-alcoholic beverages and wearing luminous clothes-and we nod…and say nothing…and it feels great.
I can understand where you’re coming from in your videos because (at 39 ugh) the realization I’m on the spectrum is becoming like a thicker and thicker fog. What you’re saying re: unmasking is so true, because that adds a different (extra) level of anxiety to every interaction.
Figuring out how to unmask is a bit easier for me when I’m around strangers. (Except for the one time as a teenager I was beat up in my own house by choir kids who I’d stayed with a month prior. Apparently, I did something to turn me into a mark? Crazy thing is I didn’t understand that whole incident until very recently and had told myself it was a misunderstanding…but with bruises to my torso.)
From an ableist perspective, many autistic traits can be perceived, kindly, as being…uh…unconventionally attractive? I feel like research, as you mention, is fundamental to how society learns to accommodate us. Because what is the alternative, to just burn us at the stake if we start rocking while on the bus? Put us all on unemployment and into shared housing & menial work? It would be a tremendous waste.
I am a tremendous worker. Published author. Super great cat dad. Am I employed? Not really. Does it stress me out? I’m losing my Johnny Cash-quality hair in clumps. Yet I still feel like with a *tiny* bit of help here and there I’d be golden and really happy. At my last full-time role, they loved me when I was working remotely for 3+ years as a phone call away-but when I was a nervous lump in a bright office *during COVID* and not speaking fluent French? GOODBYE in just over a year for my “attitude”.
Yet because of you and others speaking openly, I have hope things will get better. Here in Canada for example, Terry Fox made people SEE cancer. There shouldn’t need to be a martyr but clearly, our collective suffering hasn’t yet moved the needle much.
I’m convinced autistic people know much of what they need to thrive, but those things are sitting up on the top shelf and most of us can’t reach them. Society still seems too distracted, or too apathetic to care. Cheers.
Thanks for that. Shame about the hair! I still remember the day I looked at mine and wonder where it went. But great news about the super cat dad status. A very important one to have 👍🏻
Banovsky, I hear you.
I worked more temp jobs than most and usually became alcoholic by three months, then left, due to my utter intolerance of awful ppl. But when I got a home based job I was made up for two years. Unfortunately they decided we all had to work from an office.
I lasted...there months.
We have a lot of gifts, but being sociable isn't often one of them.
Best wishes to you. X
I hear you, bro. But you’d find me wearing whimsigoth attire, and sipping a mocktail as a means of having a drink without the alcohol, and casting spells on neurotypical idiots who bully people like us.
This is the crux of having an invisible disability. I relate so much to this.
It sure is 👍🏻
Indeed
That's the thing! To most people, I "appear" to be fine, but I'm not at all. Every single day is a struggle for me, and it always has been, for 60 YEARS! Because I'm tall, thin, attractive, and intelligent, I'm expected to be able to do what everyone else is able to do. I'm expected to fit in to a world where I absolutely don't. I struggle with things that the majority of people easily do without even thinking about it, automatically.
I have had so many problems with employment in my life. Because I "appear" to not have a disability, when I struggle with certain tasks on the job (especially anything involving social interaction) I encounter hostility from co-workers and bosses. I guess they think I am purposely trying to be difficut, or that I just don't care about doing a good job, or about having good relationships at work.
I know that being able to be "part of a team" is a highly valued skill, but the truth is I really work best on my own.
I haven't worked in over 18 months (trying to recover from a major shutdown). At this point, I don't even know what kind of job I can do, but I need to start making money again, as I watch my savings dwindling away.
“…holding a stuffed animal. Teddy, not a taxidermist version.” I don’t know exactly why, but I love this quote.
The idea of someone holding a stuffed cat to relax them isn't a pleasant one!
They don’t even understand that comfort objects like a favorite stuffed animal are our social tools to help us feel more comfortable with socializing. I have a dragon neopet plushie named sandrea who makes me feel comfortable whenever I’m out and about, but whenever judgmental parents tell me to put her away, it’s really hurtful and insensitive to people like us on the spectrum because they help us cope with social anxiety. I wish I could describe it better, but it’s a little difficult to explain.
Cheers mate 👋 John from Sweden! Autistic, probably adhd, traumatized for sure. I got my diagnosis at 44.
I've listened to you on Spotify for some time now and I haven't had the pleasure to give you a big thanks 🎉🥳
You are one of my favorite autism advocate.
Every word you said went straight to my heart.
I was bullied for ten years straight in school. They didn't kill me, but they might as well could have. Children can be stupid and mindless sometimes. But grownups are worse. They are ignorant. They allow this to continue year after year. It looks the same now as when I went to school 30 years ago. Almost nothing has changed.
Keep up the good work! You are making a difference!
See ya
Sorry to hear of the bad experiences, and thank you for the kind words 👍🏻
Indeed
And this is why I even have trust issues with our government here in the states. Like they claim to care about the people, but I’ve noticed they only care about their reputation and their own agendas. I’m really sensitive to honesty.
This is a quote that resonates with me, deep in my soul. (50 year old female. Diagnosed in March 2024) - “You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”
― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls
I resonate so much with that!
I think neurotypicals (some of them) see our strengths and our commitment to study and learn very well and thrive in special interests and specific topics can threaten them.
And as a result we see passive aggressive behaviour and often bump into narcissistic people who wish us ill intent because they cant feel as deeply as we can. And we can over share naturally in intimate relationships because we speak so matter of factly. It can put us in vulnerable situations if naive.
My personal observations anyway
I don't feel much, personally. I'm one of those all logic no chill aspies.
But I think you are probably onto something. People feel socially threatened when they see someone that's clearly smarter than them but acts aloof to their social standing - it conveys to the TD people that the individual in question is higher in social status than them (due to their "relaxed and confident" attitude regarding their social standing) and they become resentful because of their sense of entitlement. It's pretty dynamic but once you actually peel back the layers it's all based on primitive behavior that the TD individual fails to keep in check since they have the emotional control of an infant.
Also, I think you mean to say most of them, not some of them.
I think of all different types out there, the worst for our design to run into is a narcissist. They see us as a tapestry they want to un-stitch instead of passing us by or leaving us be. They take a level of accomplishment of trying to break someone who in their eyes, is already on 'easy mode'. I've read far too many stories with identical patterns. It's such a shame there are people like that out there who just want to do the wrong thing 👍🏻
Emapths usually do attract predatory narcissists.
I don't usually ever comment on any RUclips threads - but THIS Absolutely Nails the Problem right to the Core. The Narcissistic Neurotypicals 'sniff us out' like a Vampire smells Blood. They then go after us with a Relentless Fury, the likes that other NT's have Ever Seen.
I am diagnosed asd level 2. I mask a bit but it is definitely a privilege to have the ABILITY to mask. Higher needs autistic individuals cannot as easily or not at all.
If our environments aren't managed, we all lose the ability to mask wherever we sit unfortunately.
I felt like crying during parts of this video. My heart breaks at the stories of bullying. Much of my energy, all of my life has been directed to trying to look normal. I'm finally at a place where I avoid any unnecessary social engagement and that is such a relief. Any autistic child who sees the bullying and experiences it for themselves will learn ways to mask, if possible. I, too, threw my life into getting and keeping a job. I was always seen as more conscientious than most others and had little or no life outside work. The work-social things I ended up doing were never fun at all. They were just ways to not stand out, but in some ways dangerous since it is easier for the mask to slip in these unscripted situations.
As you listed some of the autistic news items, I had the thought that the world is in terrible shape. I don't consume regular news either, but still find out what is happening almost by osmosis. If this is the best NTs can do to run a world, characterized by lies, deceit, backstabbing, and much much worse, I don't see what they have to brag about. Instead they bully autistic people for being different. Or they look the other way. As a group, they should be different than they are, that's for sure.
And it makes me wonder how many of the sane things are the result of conscientious autistic people holding things together. I know there are conscientious NT people, but are they only the rare ones like your current supervisor? It's a sobering thought, wondering how many honest, hard-working people are actually holding things together. (both autistic and NT). Thank you for your insightful videos.
It's still a shame only 21% of Autistic people are employed, the lowest number of all disability groups. Good bosses are hard to find, as is finding somewhere that doesn't focus on the fluff instead of the substance.
Thank you for your kind words 👍🏻
Thanks Paul. I was recently diagnosed at the age of 60, masking is very much a survival mechanism for me
My brain seems like it is stuck in survival mode I guess masking without realizing it for all those decades dose that to you.
The though of unmasking while still trying to maintain employment for me is terrifying, I don't think it wold go down well with my employer either.
Decades of survival mode is the worst! It's very dehumanizing :/
Survival mode is a good term, as it sums up the feeling 👍🏻
I totally get you. I feel the same with those that are closest to me. I’ve let the mask slip to gauge their reactions and found they will not get me at all if I unmask. To me that’s terrifying. It’s definitely a survival mode, trying to fit in, trying to be “normal”. It’s bloody exhausting and because I’m 60 now, even more so. I just don t have the energy like I had when I was younger
Yes, survival mode! I've been in that mode my entire life. I'm also 60 years old, recently diagnosed autistic (5 months ago). Yeah, most employers don't take too kindly to behaviors that are anything out of societal norms.
Sending you love and encouragement. It is indeed hard, especially after decades of struggling to survive (finding out about myself at 50)
I think that we ( autistic ppl ) are an improvement on modern humans. I find that we are kind hearted and empathetic and that is what the world needs. It's society that's fucking wrong
When I turn the news on, it's very hard to disagree with you from what I see👍🏻
Agree!
I wouldn't say 'modern' because I think we were always there, in every tribe: shamans, seers, trackers, wise women, smiths, and more often than other - teachers
or 'improvement' because how can you compare things unlike each other?
I was diagnosed early on as a child (late 1990s) but I was too proud, didn't want to stand out much. I do try to be more of my authentic autistic self now but I don't really know what that is. I can't tell when I am masking and I can't tell when I am not and I don't know if it even matters as long as I have my separate space for time out from the world. A lot of autistic traits are still defined by what is supposedly wrong with us, rather than our strengths first and how our strengths could actually solve a lot of modern problems. I convinced those of us autists who are successful are the inventors, scientists, engineers, artists etc and always have been. But there is also a huge impossible gap where so many of us just struggle and get held back by so many things. We definitely tolerate a lot more than NT people realise.
Couldn't agree more. You always hear of a lot of interventors and innovators demonstrating 'Autistic' traits from a time where it wasn't recognised 👍🏻
One thing I've noticed is whether I am living from the inside-->outward. That's part of what I define as my unmasked self. In other words, what do I think and feel. Masking is as if I'm observing myself and my behavior and trying to match it to what I think others want but then this confused me about who I really am. However, I can intentionally mask from the inside outward if I think it's in my best interest and that means I'm unmasked to myself, but meeting social expectations so I don't get a lot of grief. This would be important to keep a job that has other rewards (part of my special interest, for example).
That's a very interesting perspective 👍🏻
I always offer my hand for a shake to avoid “the hug”
I might go old school and offer a high five 😂
@@AdultwithAutism The high-5 is the best! It offers a sense of fun and acknowledgement, but it's over quickly and with limited physical contact (although some people are a bit heavy-handed with the high-5, and it can be a bit jarring for me).
Funny thing: I teach. Somehow it is my autistic students who always want to hug me, and the older students (college) think it is funny how I stiffen up and get all uncomfortable about it. My younger ones (grades 1-6) just need a tight squeeze, and I figure they need it and I also believe that we all deserve what we need. So I submit, for the happiness of my students, and I can laugh along with the older ones, and send love to the smaller ones, while super-cringing inside. Such a mind tangle...
I turned the handshake into a mental game, I don't have a very strong grip so I always try having a firmer handshake than the other person and I pet myself mentally when I do, I learned later on that a firm handshake is something good somehow to neurotypicals, so I ended up in good graces by pure chance. I'm lucky that I'm not that averse to physical contact as most people with autism tho.
I agree hugs are scary, and a dead giveaway, because I go stiff, even when my mom tries it
Sometimes if I fell good, and brave enough I do vulcan "Live long and prosper" hand sign in greeting, and it sets them off, and they wouldn't want to touch me anymore, sometimes making a face, that to me looks like of a person seeing something disgusting, like covered in germs, and if it doesn't set them off it is possible they might actualy be friendly types
The world has way too many violent people which is worst than having a disability. My son has autism and some kids tried to make him hit another kid in the swimming pool. He turned around and said he was not going to play anymore. He used his instinct and I told him I was very proud of him for listening to his inner voice that kept him safe. He learned that skill at school with proper coaching.
But people think Autism is an issue...yet don't look at the other kids to figure out why they wanted to create that scenario 👍🏻
I was bullied relentlessly in school, and many times other kids would try to get me into a physical fight. But I'm not a fighter, and I wouldend up just crying and saying "leave me alone". After a few minutes of that, and they would usually give up and walk away. I hope they felt bad, but my guess is probably not.
I love the tone and cadence of your voice. Very soothing even when you're talking about heated issues. ❤️
Thanks for that. Nice of you to say 👍🏻
I really enjoy your videos. I have an autistic friend who I want to understand better.
Why don't you just ask your friend? 🤔
Thank you 👍🏻
@@artisticautistic9664I actually think it's good they're educating themselves and not taxing their friend by making them educate them.
I think that's lovely that you want to know more 😊
@@music-is-my-world-83 I agree. I've tried explaining things to friends and often end up telling them to watch videos about autism by autistics. It hits different when its someone else saying it, then reading the comments on the videos and seeing its not just the friend saying these things, it is a LOT of autistics saying the same thing the friend is trying to express.
I'm undiagnosed but test highly on all the tests and have similar experiences. I was beaten and betrayed constantly when I was younger. I work in the far east now because foreigners are expected to be different. I applied for a thousand jobs last time I tried to get work in the UK and managed five interviews. Didn't get any of them. I took my CV to two companies to get it improved and they asked to use it as a template because it was so good. I spent so long asking why it all happened to me.
My heart breaks for you, and for any other autistic person suffering so much. I can completely understand why taking off the mask might not be possible or safe. Unmasking is a privilege. Sticking out may mean your head gets cut off.
I've never had struggles at school, uni or the work place. Maybe because I managed to mostly avoid crowded places, social events, worked on my own, etc. And I think I may have escaped into marriage and kids, controlling my own environment. But I've always known I was different. I've never wanted to fit in. Why? These people, these rules, do they even make any sense?
I don't know whether I'm autistic. I can relate to a lot what you say. I suspect I've learnt to mask since a very young age. I'm so confused, am I autistic or not? I can't even test how I react to other people and situations, because chronic illness confines me to home and bed, and I don't have any family or friends who visit. Problem or blessing in disguise? I can be as silly, stimmy, weird as I want at my home, on my own. No one to mask for. Ugh. I guess time will tell.
You've done the right thing whether or not you're Autistic. You've taken the time to know your triggers, what you need and don't need, and stay between them where you can. It's so important 👍🏻
Thanks so much Paul, been binge watching your content since I discovered your channel last week. Have to say its been the best happy accident. Bravo from a fellow traveller whose laser-guided insight (and gentle rage) hopes to catch up with yours very soon.
Agree! I hope to join his patreon asap :)
Glad you stumbled upon my waffling nonsense 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism quite the contrary! You are no nonsense 😀 a voice of logic as we fight to exist.
Haha, thanks 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism Top quality stuff mate I relate deeply, we need more people to voice this problem thank you bro. Watching your content really helps get new perspectives on this stuff and understanding what I've been dealing with.
Thanks paul another great vid i have noticed at work since i have relaxed my masking a shift in people it does affect promotions and as you said they cant seem to grasp its a job i dont want or need 7.5 hpurs of social updates and chit chat just let me earn my wage and let me live my life without the constant judgement ... ive really stopped caring what folk think just do the job and keep looking for a perfect job that doesnt exist at least for autistic males. something ive noted working with an possiblly asd young lass 22yrs old we both have so many simulator traits the big differences is her traits & mistakes are looked as cute and endering whilst mine get reprmans and bullying . such is life i guess
7.5 hours of social updates...it's like Facebook but in real time! Not for me thanks!! 👍🏻
This was a great video Paul and I thank you for making it but I wasn't expecting it to resonate so much that I've been triggered by it. Hate using that word as it's thrown around so much by people that simply don't like something or used as a bullying tactic to silence others. What I mean is I feel sick, anxious and have had a whole bunch of awful flashbacks to my various prior jobs and dissociating a bit (aka triggered -and I'm rarely triggered). Still, your video actually helped me look at those awful situations in a different way (I'd not thought of them in years) so thank you, I've been able to re-evaluate those past events.
You hit the nail on the head for us who have to work as we may not have the support structure or family in place to help if we didn't work. Yes it can be demonstrably bad for our health forcing ourselves into unsuitable environments but if you find a job that you feel you CAN cope with (most of the time), you don't want to cause yourself unnecessary strain by dropping the mask. That's more than understandable. Yes masking is bad for your health but not as bad as being stuck living in a bad area that you cant leave because you have no money. Living in an area where you're scared going to sleep in case you're broken into or to go to the shop for milk in case you're jumped is more traumatic than masking -which you'd have to do anyway or you'd get jumped even more. If someone can drop the mask great but if not then no one should be pressured to.
Then there's the can of worms that a lot of late diagnosed adults don't know what the mask is and what it isn't half the time because it's so deeply ingrained by this point.
Sorry, that turned into a huge waffle 😅 side effect of the nerves still not settling yet I think. Hope you have a good evening
Sorry to hear it opened a few bad memories! But I do appreciate your kind words 👍🏻
Thank you, Paul. I am 73 and worked for 50 years with the mask on. I am retired now, and thanks to you for taking the time and effort to explain this, I can now set the mask down for short periods and really feel free. Thanks, my brother.
Thank you. I just got my diagnose at age of 58. I have been thinking about this unmasking and you nailed it; after all these decades, I have to get this to the goal - survive in the job and finally get my pension. It took too long to start ”normal joblife”. I was 40 when I learned to be strong enough to start working. At age of 45 I finally got my master degree and permanent job. I am working with disable young people, but I think that my collegues don’t want to have disbled working mate. In the other hand I can now tell better my needs to my emplyer and I told to my boss about diagnose. I am now in the edge of my recourses and it is a win-win situation to the both parties to find out the best possibilities to continue. So I am masking and in the other hand opening something about my true self. Balancing, that it is. A fear about bullying. Because it is happening any case. Such people are. Maybe that’s why I am still masking. Try to have ”teflon” surface to be alive.
We have to mask to carry on, because people won't accept us no matter how much they pretend they do. I've only ever found one person per workplace who has been kind enough to understand my differences. And thankfully the older I get, there are also people who just don't care so long as I can get on.
I have my psych appointment today and I have to make sure I'm not masking. I'm so used to doing that EVEN with psychiatrists. I feel it's been harmful because they've never even considered it could be Autism rather than the category they just put me in. I hope I can get that closure and diagnosis soon. Because if I'm not then why do I relate to so many videos both of the good and the REALITY of what the truth is. I relate so much and feel it so deeply that I've been robbed. Now, 10 years later not even knowing what Autism was aside from the perpetuated stereotypes, that I highly suspect I am Autistic. I need to talk about this with the psych and I hope that they take me seriously and that the process gets taken seriously to "professionally conclude" this.
I hope the appointment went okay.
I wish you the best, and hate to say it, but generally the people in the psych industry, the counselors too, don't. And some of them can be bullies too, and manipulative. I'm so grateful for the autistic people on RUclips!
Thank you. It feels so good to hear somebody talk straight. Now, finally aware of my autism (and ADHD) after 60+ years of being puzzled about myself and masking - not to be singled out as too odd - I am at a loss about ”unmasking”. It is a very complicated thing and I believe I will never stop masking completely because the world is what it is. I now realize that my being different has cost me a lot: even now, being a fairly successful writer for 20 years, I suffer because I simply cannot do the hobnobbing and networking that would secure those friends in right places who write reviews and give grants to writers. I cannot do everything like the others, but I am so used to masking, for my safety, for my peace, to get by and earn money, that I do not understand the easy talk about unmasking and ”being just yourself”. I cannot flap my hands and sing and chatter by myself and pace around etc when there are others around, but now at least I am not ashamed of those things and think that I am a nutcake: that is a long step forward and I am happy about it.
I'm glad you could relate 👍🏻
Man, you talking about just wanting to work made me kinda teary-eyed. I wish work could just be work and not like some kind of big social construct.
I honestly get sick of the whole concept of “authenticity”. I don’t have an original self to go back to, I have been building and refining my mask since before I can remember! And besides that, masking doesn’t make me inauthentic. I do this by choice, I do this because I care. The real me is the one who realizes that no one speaks my native language, so I make an effort to speak and understand their language. That is like, really sweet and open-minded of me, honestly. 🤷♀️ The real me is considerate - tired, but considerate - and I wish people would just recognize my efforts and thank me instead of trying to use the whole Disney “be yourself” dogma on me. People that mask work hard and do a good job and should be appreciated for trying to understand a culture that’s foreign to them. If someone tried to act a little neorodivergent for me to try to make me more comfortable, I would love them forever probably.
Hahaha I’ve actually been thinking about this a lot lately and you posted this. Thank you for all your hard work, you’re the first and also my favorite autistic person I’ve followed online because I like how you just keep it real. Even if you do mask during the videos, you still really keep it real and I appreciate it.
🤣The whole Disney "be yourself" dogma.
Thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated 😁
A few years ago I kept thinking "Why do people treat me this way?". I finally realized "because they can". I don't think it's been a lifetime of being on the receiving end of really mean stuff because I'm different per se, but I'm an easy target. Bulliies, thieves, narcissists, etc, don't go against their own and people who will bark back and can defend themselves.
At age 55 I've learned to handle myself better, but I'm just so worn down by now.
I have been bullied out of school and work my whole life. And this was while masking to the best of my ability. Discovered I'm (probably) Autistic a few months ago. Waiting on my assessment. I'm turning 34 next month but I am so damn worn down, I feel like a 100 years old. I have been binging your videos. My 'version' of Autism is very similar to yours. Very relatable. Thanks for being you!
Its always so validating to watch your videos. ❤
As someone in their early 30s working in retail, living my life 'unmasked' is not possible. I am true to my self by working part time in a speciality store that caters to an area I love and spend my days off at home living as unmasked as possible. This does mean i go with out many things a lot if people in this society believe to be necessary but i am perfectly fine without. And I have 3 qualifications that i could put to use and make upwards of 3 times what i make now to have those things and be considered an extremely successful member of society. I have even tried this for several years. And it just didnt work for me.
Finding what works for you personally is always the best option. If living life 'openly autistic' is the best fit for somone, then good for them. If the best fit for someone is spening a fixed amout of time masked so they function in society, then good on them.
Yep, you have to do what's right for you 👍🏻
Paul you are so funny!🤣🤣 “we’re supposed to straight from listening to deaths to here’s janine with the weather hang on a minute”
It's true though 😂
@@AdultwithAutism Ah, and that is why its such good humor, the matter of fact juxtaposition highlights how ridiculous it is!
I can't watch this video yet because it would mess up my order but I wanted to leave a comment and I don't think you can on Spotify. I've been listening to your series on Spotify and I just wanted to say thank you. I found out I was autistic during covid and apparently my parents had me diagnosed as a kid and decided to hide it from me my entire life. It's been like getting a late diagnosis combined with finding out everyone's been deceiving you your entire life. You're one of the most relatable people I've ever come across and it's been a huge help. Also you're completely justified in the decision to not pay for your dad's funeral. I'll probably jump over to RUclips once I'm caught up and not binging everything to get caught up. Have a good day man.
Oh wow! They never told you?! That's...different to say the least!
Glad you're over here. The series are not on Spotify as of yet, just a heads up. Only the general videos / audio goes on there 👍🏻
Thank you for speaking truth. So many people make it sound so easy to just be yourself, but it’s not so simple. A lifetime of trauma from bullying has built a wall blocking us from unmasking. You should be the spokesperson for autistic adults because you tell it as it is. Thank you!!!
Hello from another Paul.
Your channel is proving to be a breath of fresh air for me and I wish I'd discovered it sooner -- we don't agree on everything, which is fine as I certainly get your energy and I think I have a similar vibe.
I was diagnosed at 54, after a long waiting list and a seriously intense assessment, but the autistic community doesn't speak for me either -- they can be helpful, but sometimes the way they try to police me just makes me want to kick back against them.
However, NTs can be hopeless too - like I try to be open about being autistic, but, ever since my diagnosis, people just don't treat me the same. It's hard to explain, but I think you'll understand -- it's like I've lost my credibility as a human being or something.
Anyway, thank you for your channel and all the best.
Thank you for the kind words, always appreciated 👍🏻
Hi Paul, thank you 1:04 so much for being around. I’m 54, spent all my life playing ‘a part’ in life. You actually made me laugh and smile a few times. Your videos are amazing, pin point. Everything you say resonates. Failed situations, failed relationships. After 54 years Ingot hit by the ‘Autism train’ and a year later I’m still trying to understand why me!?!? All the best my friend, and keep smiling 😂
Many thanks, it's good to hear you can relate 👍🏻
I have had to mask my whole professional life also. I worked for 19 years as a receptionist in a busy health clinic. It was torture and is what made me turn to alcohol everyday after work. Then I disclosed my autism diagnosis. You’d think I said I was a serial killer from the reception I got. I was then bullied unrelentingly for the next three years, until 6 months ago I had a breakdown. I developed FND and C-PTSD with active suicidal ideation. I am now unemployed, depressed and terrified of the future. I’m also really angry at the injustice of it all.
We mask because others don't want to tolerate us, never forget that. It's the fundamental reason. It's unfortunate what happened to you...a story all too common from Autistic people, but don't let those types of idiots grind you down 👍🏻
this is so relatable, as an adult autistic myself just got diagnosed at 33yo and have built professional life that really makes it almost impossible to unmask while at work. Love your content!! keep the good work!
Thanks for that, much appreciated 👍🏻
Hi Paul, excellent video! Masking is a hard one. I have been trying to unmask at work and to some extent it has been positive. To completely unmask would be problematic. I openly stim but it is mild compared to my normal stimming. I am open about being autistic as eye contact is still quite hard for me. I am very good at faking it, but people can still pick up on it. Plus faking it consumes a lot of my attention so I miss a lot of what is being said. I also agree with you that we are not the problem. To completely unmask just isn’t possible for me at work. A good example is that I sometimes mention that I have Tourettes as well. I am a master at suppressing my ticks but a few have asked me to let some ticks out and all of them laughed. Really hurts so I will not do that again.
Another point is that I often mention being bullied as a child and most say that is human nature. Really?! How is any of that going the change if that is what the majority thinks? Again, we are not the problem. I also have to say that I laughed when you mentioned a gang of autistic people! We would probably go around being nice🙃🤣. Thanks for another great video!
Hey Bryan. If it's human nature to bully...then why don't we bully people? Such a silly response...probably by bullies!
I'd like gangs of Autistic people around instead of the usual suspects. Asking people politely to return their shopping carts and not leave them strewn across the car parks etc. A bit of civility that's gone astray! 😂
@@AdultwithAutism OMG we do think a like. The shopping cart thing is one major pet peeve of mine😂
The level of annoyance and frustration in me when I see someone just leave a cart can be enough to ruin my day. Who do they think they are?! 😂
So much of this talk resonated with me.
I too am well-employed (until the contract ends @ EOY) and I love my work, but I don't like or understand the power games some managers play, and they don't like my brutal honesty. But I defend my team and I tend to outproduce everyone, so that helps.
Very true. Power play and job titles will never impress me, but letting me know you just bought a new comfy sweater to relax on on the weekend...now I'm invested 😂
another interesting subject - I am mostly unmasked (apart from work where I need to be) - and I still need to lock myself away for the rest of the time to reset and decompress - thank you for sharing this interesting topic
Thank you 👍🏻
Thank you so much for this video. I needed to have someone finally validate my experiences, felt like i was going crazy here. It's not a tiny portion of people who doesnt understand and treats us in this way like you said; its the vast majority; and only a tiny minority makes an effort not to dehumanize us. I have been made felt by the world that I am the problem and that I am just a cynic. Now i know I'm not the problem and can stop beating myself up for not conforming to their senseless demands and expectations. Thank you for encouraging smiling as well, I know this comes from a deep place in your heart.
Thank you for that, it's much appreciated 👍🏻
Its nice to hear the truth of it. It's very validating to hear what I've learned vs all the other channels that just push you to unmask and live true to yourself. When in reality this world shames you for being different.
Even learning as teen about my autism i still ended up heavily masking. Very rarely did any good come from admitting it to anyone.
I luckily was never led away and assaulted. Instead, people would pretend to be my friend as a way to keep close and steal my money or borrow some and not pay me back. I have a hard time trusting anyone. Neurotypicals can be pretty awful.
Like you, I've been left out of pocket more times than I care to remember
Yup, at age 55 I'm finally realizing the obvious, people target me. I've been betrayed so many times but still way too trusting- until now, this past year, thank God. Most people do have ulterior motives.
I hate that we’re a lot more vulnerable in such cases than our neurotypical peers, like it’s a bad thing. It’s really frustrating to us that we want to connect with others around us, but how are we supposed to know who we can trust, even when the ones we trust turn around and stab us in the back. Who can we really believe?
YOU ARE FFING AWESOME - first video of yours I have seen and I cannot tell you enough, bloody amazing. thank you for what you do. Just knowing there's ppl like you out there keeps me somewhat sane. x
Thank you, I appreciate that 😁
I feel very similar to you on this idea. I know how exhausting it is to mask so I can do a job that I know I’m good at, but that does drain me by doing it. If I were to be my “authentic self” , I don’t know if I would be able to still do that job. The thought of looking for a more autistic friendly career scares me to my core. The people involved are always the most complex component, we have good days and bad. Cheers to finding the balance.
Cheers indeed 👍🏻
My 9 year old autistic daughter was recently called a weirdo by a full grown man because she was stimming. I reported it to the police as a hate crime and they said there was nothing they could do because it was a lack of education not a hate crime. My daughter now hasn’t left the house for over 2 weeks because the guy who said it lives next door and she now thinks it was ok for the man to say this to her. Even the laws that are ment to protect her aren’t being followed through so what hope is there
The law is exceptionally selective when it comes to hate crime as we've seen in recent times.
Hi Paul, im 36, i wss diagnosed with autism, February, 2022 and i have a learning disability, dyscalculia and i have short term memory issues as well. I dont work, ive been found unfit to work but with masking ive masked i think since i was really young amd i think its actually helped me to get along in society but its exhausting. Been listening to your podcast on Spotify amd i looked up your RUclips channel.
Glad you found the channel 👍🏻
I understand your view point about masking. Unmasking is not safe at times... in public... especially for stocky bearded guys... people would view you as a threat. How can you earn money to have your needs met , to exist, to live... when most jobs include wearing the mask. I could unmask as a homeless person... I could unmask as an artist if I was successful enough to get by with it. I could unmask if I had the privilege of others supporting me. But the reality is it must be nice to be able live in a world where you can unmask but if you dont have the support systems in place to do that it can result in, as a female (speaking from experience) being raped, homeless, or locked up in a psychiatric institute. Lol that just got dark. I think a lot of autistic adults get left behind... so I appreciate your videos... and communicating your perspective even while masking. It is just a language that neurotypical and neurodivergent people can both relate too. So hopefully it bridges the gaps in understanding and makes society slightly more accepting towards others. Your videos are helping me understand things better about myself, the struggle, why, and how I interact with the world. ❤
It did get dark, but accurate of how things can be if we trust in others and processes before we trust our instincts.
All I want if to have things available so people Autistic or not can see a different side and type of Autism. One that just wants to be accepted without something in return.
You explained exactly how i feel every single day... I was one of those kids that i thought other kids were my friends just to be bullied, or hit. I will never be able to unmask, l wish i could bur that will never be my reality. Thank you for sharing this video... it's so nice to not feel alone in the world having to live this way.
AMEN! Perfectly said. Thank you!
Thank you 👍🏻
👍👍👍 I am not spamming - there are simply not enough thumbs I can give you for speaking out loud what is in my own heart
I very much appreciate the thumbs!
I relate to this and my choice to mask when the need be. Thank you for the great video.
No problem at all 👍🏻
I wouldn't even know how to live without my mask. 40+ years with it, I've no idea how to take it off
It is a hard task to take it off when we don't know where we start and the mask ends.
Yet another powerful video
So beautifully put about the ugly truth of it all.
Thank you 👍🏻
This time I watched you on a big screen, and I could only see your smily eyes (Now I think you saying "I don't like smiling" would be more accurate if I knew you add in your mind silently 'on demand'), that I recognize from my reflection in the mirror, the eyes of amused cynic. There is so much absurd around it is hard not to notice it, but it is not all doom, and gloom, there is so many little things that gives joy, you just need to notice therm to appreciate, or look at differently, to make them seem funny, right? But it's hard to do it outside, were we have yo mask to survive.
Just rewatched and each time I hear more. What struck me this time is how much conformity is valued by NT's. They spend much of their energy policing people, every little tiny thing that you do that is different makes them go off balance, apparently. It's like they are always scanning others for a small difference. It's very weird. There must be real fear of difference. I think that this is also their undoing ultimately. Even those who claim to be different often do it adhering to some atypical group pattern that everyone else in that group agrees with. Is it that autistic people are more individual and that's what can't be tolerated?
Apparently people who have written about AI chats have noted that it's often way off base, inaccurate, way wrong. (I don't speak from experience since I've never done these AI chats.) Perhaps it's wrong because AI gets its information from the majority (NTs) who don't care about accuracy, just about parroting what others like them think and say. It's a big echo chamber, but not very useful.
What I have come to notice about when something changes is that for some reason, non personal things are taken personally. So trying to change things is near impossible as it goes from right and wrong, to win or lose. I've been denied things out of spite when it was no effort at all, just because it would have meant me getting something in my favour.
It's an odd world.
Deep down this might just be something left over from the olden times, when the tribe was essential. The uncanny valley effect may also apply, where people tend to get irritated if something appears human (like a robotic avatar, animated characters, etc.) but does not act in the expected way.
Makes sense in relation to autistic folks, since most struggle with their social auto pilot. I tend to have a set type of behaviours for different types of social interactions and struggle in situations where i have no or not enough experience to apply to. "The vibe is off" kind of situations happen a lot then.
It may simply be something coded into humans, to adhere to a strict group thinking and remove or at least avoid anything that does not fit. Makes sense from a survival point of view.
Who knows! I just know I want to leave the house and get back again with minimal fuss 👍🏻
Paul !! hey its been a while, i hope you and little george are well ? you have given me so much to think about in this video. As a autistic woman , i may do a living openly autistic video your an amazing person, with so much fantastic input.
Hi Gemma, it would be interesting to hear that perspective 👍🏻
just emailed you the thumbnail@@AdultwithAutism
Thanks Gemma. I've watched your video. I enjoyed your perspective 👍🏻
After the psychiatry took away a huge part of my medications I cannot mask the way I could before and realize that people can’t stand me. I’m almost 60 and don’t know how to go back and I really try to not doing things people perceive as ”wrong”.
I'm also a late diagnosed autistic person who still masks in certain situations where it would be unsafe for me to do so. I think that many autistic people do think in absolutes (I've struggled with this myself), so the push to unmask by certain autistic people sounds like a mandate at times, a "you must do this to be happy" without really taking into account that some people don't have the luxury to freely unmask in all situations. I'm unmasked with people I trust.
With unmasking comes great consequence. I'd need about 5 million pounds to do it safely, because my entire structure would fall down! It's much easier said than done 👍🏻
@@AdultwithAutism I'm feeling the same way. I'm in the US. My partner and I can own a home because both of us work full time. We both need that safe, private space to be happy and healthy. It takes two full incomes to pay for and maintain it. The alternative is that we divorce and I fight tooth and nail for disability benefits and go live in a rundown apartment with lots of loud and unpredictable and often unstable neighbors and would never be allowed to have more than $2000.00 in my bank account at any given time. If I can maintain what I'm doing now and nothing catastrophic happens then we should be able to retire comfortably. It sucks on a day to day basis. Especially when I have a workday with back to back meetings. I have to use a lot of my paid time off just to have mental health days to recuperate (or deal with some of the health problems I have which many are exacerbated by stress). I do what I can to mitigate the effects. I miss out on a lot of things because I don't have the energy to participate in the world because I have to work. But the alternative is worse for me. Plus I really don't want to divorce my spouse just to get a paltry stipend and live in crap housing and be kept impoverished forever.
I am not saying this is the case for you, but you'd be far from the first person who would be living with a partner, or in a lot of cases, ex-partner because you can both be amicable and share a good space or live in a good area because the alternative is a worst case scenario. I've had many emails talking of such things.
But working all week to have no energy or interest to do anything come weekend is the story of my life! 👍🏻
7:43 I completely feel the same way. It's so sad... My manuerisms and vocalisations would be so different or extra if I were able to unmask in public.
Man... It would nice.
But would I have my current job? Probably not.
There is 100% certainty I would not have my job, or even work in my field if I removed the mask👍🏻
Omg I hear you so much and appreciate you for saying what you feel, I am 68 years old and have just found out i am autistic. I hear what your life was like as i lived it as well. The label of crazy and anger issues, never understanding how to mix with others, losing jobs due to angry outbursts, On the other hand being told continually that I was a genius (lol) because I could run a company to a degree of prosperity I could never have in my life. I have a sadness of lost years of enjoying my weirdness. Thank you again I don't feel alone now.
Openly unmasked would mean I would most likely not bother going to work because I would not care.
Not really speak to many people and if I did I would upset everyone by expressing my true opinions
People would see me as being a rather unpleasant person even though to me none of it’s meant to be unpleasant.
🤔🤔.
I'd live as a recluse and never see another human for the rest of my days if I was fully unmasked. As much as I'd like that, I'd be branded poorly by others who wouldn't understand 👍🏻
I sometimes think we are the so-called normal ones and everyone else are abnormal.
Most Autistic people have a strong sense of logic, truth, honesty, and justice. Don't care about egos, job roles, posing by fancy cars at night with a pair of sunglasses on as if it makes you cool. We are definitely more normal in that regard 👍🏻
Masking is a survival skill and mechanism. As a fellow late diagnosed autistic your experience resonates. I do stim, constantly - in "socially acceptable" ways for a female like hair twirling and subtle toe wiggles & finger flicks
The lack of hair on my head is why I always touch my beard!
@@AdultwithAutism If I was a man I could only hope to have a beard as glorious and full as yours. And I'd likely twirl it too.
Haha, twirling the beard is a must 👍🏻
OMG. THIS. Diagnosed at 50- 2 months ago. 🥴🌈🙏🏼 Thank you for this.
No problem at all 👍🏻
Could you do a vid on depression attacks?? Every freaking week for a month I'm at work trying to pay rent but I need to leave because I get very un-lifey.
My managers are really supportive & at Amazon they had me call their hotline 3 weeks ago & I had an immediate hour long session with a free therapist, while still in my warehouse. The woman on the phone even knew about late undiagnosed female aspies & masking.
They asked if I wanted to go to the ER & since I was almost out of my gabapentin, I agreed because I could get some more from the ER.
So 2 cop cars came to my work, frisked me & drove me there. Thank God it was outside & before lunch so no coworkers saw it.
I got my Rx but other than that it didn't help... was more stressful than helpful. I don't see any hope.
I'm going to just lie to my mom (because she has a history of invalidating me) and say I've had to take a while off work for a kidney stone. And lying doesn't bother me 1 bit because I'm desperate.
She's 80 & has a sugar momma she rents a room in her house. But the other old lady hasn't been charging my mom rent, so I know she has $$ to give me for rent. And the old woman is a retired teacher & owns land so I'm pretty sure she has money too.
Since they don't truly want to understand me, I'm resorting to that kidney stone lie because I'm desperate & don't want to be homeless again (I was stuck couch surfing for 10 yrs and just finally got an apt last year). That 10 yrs of couch surfing was in Arizona but now I moved to Missouri so I don't know anyone here & so instead of couch surfing I'm worried I'd have to go to a homeless shelter.
Lots of good it did work my ass off for my chemistry degree. And I relocated last year before I realized I had autism so I didn't know that moving 1200 miles, hauling a 12 foot tailer all by myself would add unnecessary stress.
But I did what you're "supposed" to do... I couldn't survive financially in Arizona so I got out to try to make a life for myself somewhere where cost of living was lower & wages were higher.
Ugh, everything is so freaking futile, I hate it!! I don't want to die! I know I don't. But these depression attacks take me over 😞
I do strongly believe we could be the next step in human evolution. And this is what it looks like. Nice!! Not.
If we could be true to our design, remove all the non essential interaction to focus on the work, things would be much better. It's a shame there isn't an alternative outlet for you to change your role up for your 'off' week, as it sounds like you have great employers.
I've never masked. I didn't ever want to be like those around me.
This made me cry. Thank you.
Its next to impossible to unmask, especially in the workplace. I work for a company that is a disability support provider, and because I’m not one of the supported people I am expected to behave in a certain Neurotypical manner. I’m barely holding onto this job and it makes me sick to see this attitude!
Of all places you'd think they could be a little more understanding it would be in your line of work! Such a shame to hear that 👍🏻
Update. I ended up having to leave this job because of the bullying from the boss.
It was a very bad culture.
Good news, I have moved on to a job where my neuro divergent talents are very appreciated.
Moral to this story. Value yourself, and don’t settle for second best.
A great video its worth the importance of what you said and feel
Thanks Danny 👍🏻
Very well put. I know exactly how you feel. Since my situation is more or less similar to yours.
Thank you 👍🏻
I really hope you have some better days ahead now that you know you're Autistic. It's just a shame it's taken as long as it has for you ☹️
@@AdultwithAutism Thank you, I am working on it every day and I have some good moments. Overall I am glad I got the clarification. It basically explained my entire life to me, and that's been very helpful. I don't really feel bad about myself now, as I did before. That's priceless. I don't want to be someone else. I have accepted myself and that's huge. So I am glad I know, but I guess I will never know why I had to be a senior citizen before I got to find out. That makes me sad, but better late than never I say. I am also not as depressed as I was before. So, I am still here for a reason, and my story is not finished... Thank you for your content Paul. It is very helpful.
@nee-na6874 it's really good to hear the diagnosis helped.
@@AdultwithAutism Well TBH I am not in a position or place to where I could get a professional diagnosis, so I don't go around telling anyone that I "have ASD". I am not wanting to get unwanted or unnecessary attention in any way, this is for me mainly to get myself sorted out. I came to the conclusion that I am on the spectrum, definitely neurodivergent, through many years of suffering and research, tests, learning, and living with it, and everything that goes with it. I personally in my situation don't need to tell anyone that "I am autistic" because I can mostly function fairly well in public (meltdowns mostly come later in my car or when I make sure no one can see me), and I don't have to go out much anymore in any case. I have only told a couple of medical providers but not all because they treat me like I am crazy. 😒Also since I am older, and retired widow, I only have to deal with my daughter (and her narcissist abusive BF) and 3 grandchildren. On the outside, I only have 3-4 "friends" left, mostly by my choice after ND confirmed for myself. So since I can't get a professional diagnosis, I just live my life ODAT and I am not really terribly interested in "labeling" myself as anything, I am just me, and I am finally making changes for the better for myself after I had the clarification on neurodivergent, whether that's called autism for ME or something else. But for me, the ASD really seems to fit more than anything else and I am extremely self aware and a mature person at my age 67, because of everything I went through and what I finally learned from it. I am a lot more protective of myself now. It never occurred to me before about autism. I never heard of it until I was maybe 40?! But I do have a 14 year old grandson who is also neurodivergent/Aspie/ADHD/ODD and I have also learned a lot because of him. So for me, I am very clear about myself and I am very comfortable telling appropriate/safe people that I am neurodivergent and I usually don't go further than that because I don't want to be rejected anymore by anyone. It is for me to know myself and be the best person I can be. Not as worried about other people anymore because I don't have to go into the public very much and I live very far away from even a town. Some times I feel very sad (for a "lost life") but it comes and goes. I had a hard time in life with many major tragedies and traumas. ASD basically explains my life for me as I reframed. It is my wish now that I just like as much peace and quiet as I can get. I don't know if I am going to get that or not due to cost of living and fixed retirement income, but I can go in the woods if I need to 😊. I have to be able to accept myself as I am though, even if I don't have the ability to get a formal diagnosis. I took my time, took tests, and bought books and studied, and talked to some people with experience, had other previous mental health diagnoses (albeit incorrect), etc. Maybe that's why I don't go around saying that I am autistic, because I don't want to put up with people's ignorance. I just needed to find out about myself finally. I agree with you about all the social media autistic stuff. I got off social media before I even sorted out definitely about ASD. But there's a lot of it on RUclips and I quit watching it, it really got on my nerves, and I couldn't relate to it or listen to it. But I can relate to your videos. Thank you again, take care, all the best, Joy from East Texas 🙂
Thank you Joy. All the best 👍🏻
I was suggested your channel today, so I gave it a go, and I'm so very glad I did.
I have never left a comment on any channel, and I've been on this platform for time, but your every word speaks volumes to me.
Not a single person I've encountered in life has understood or described the way I have always felt, and still feel, with such detail.
Nice one fella!
I've never hit subscribe so quickly 👍
Thank you 👍🏻
Thank you for your video. Masking is so exhaustive, but I don’t feel safe enough to drop it. I’m on the long waiting list for a diagnosis at the moment and your videos are helping me to understand myself.
I'm glad my videos help. Like you, it would be more detrimental to drop the mask. I cannot do it 👍🏻
I've been enjoying your videos very much. I'm in the U.S. At the age of 75, I've begun to think I have autism. I'm having a professional diagnosis done and haven't received the results yet. I have a degree in education, but I was never able to successfully navigate a job interview to become a classroom teacher. Eventually I did get a position, but I worked my way into it without an interview. You are such an attractive man and so well spoken, it seems strange to me that you were bullied or persecuted by other people. The culture where you live must be quite different than what I've experienced. Some of the ways you describe yourself remind me very much of my son, who possibly is autistic, too. I'm quite concerned about him. I enjoy listening to your accent -- you must have grown up somewhere in the north of England. Anyway, my compliments on the videos. I wish you the best.
Thank you, I appreciate that. And I grew up in Manchester 👍🏻
Of course everyone sees when I am masking. But if I do not then I will be harrashed even more. Now I have been bullyied enough until today. Thank you for great content.
Thank you so much for helping me to understand my son. I owe you big!❤
Any time!
Excellent video!
Thank you 👍🏻
Thank you for your videos, Paul. You have enriched my experience of the world.
No problem at all 👍🏻
Great video - the idea of masking is important because I’ve read where others claim they don’t mask as much as they used to . My issue is every relationship(as shaky as they are currently) and the job I have is due to my ability to mask very well. If I didn’t mask then I would lose these things and my life would shrink to something unimaginable.. as completely exhausting as masking is - I realize it’s something I must do .. besides, I don’t really know who I am without the mask and there’s probably not much there
There is everything behind the mask. The problem is we wear them for so long we can't find where that ends and the real version of us begins. It's something I still consciously unpick everyday 👍🏻
I consent absolutely with what you have been saying about exploiting the good nature of autistic people. I was only diagnosed last year and even though I do look young, I am 30 years old by now.
Behind my appearance I am so extremely different - only not in my humour - but basically everything else. Actually, no one can imagine that, probably some autistic people like me had a slight insight in what it may look like inside of me but it is a super small group. I do not come along with many autistics, even though I also do not know any nowadays since they are into this new wave stuff I do have no idea about and find it, that what I have seen, useless.
I do not want to watch Tiktok all day or post pictures of my food on Instagram every 3 hours. I've had to watch tiktok once with my exgf and I was looking at her asking her totally flabbergasted if she was really enjoying watching 5 - 15 sec clips of people, who e.g. fail in igniting a new years rocket, resulting in the explosion of various cars in the neighborhood. I seriously doubted my sense of assessing people when she laughed about that and wanted to show me more of that stuff.
Also, I do align with what you do say about that it is the majority of people, who actually behave like crazy, in effect - I mean it really in its original meaning - deranged and destructive and unhumanistic behaviour. Harming and hurting autistics, physically and specially, once older eminently, psychologically and however you want to call it - on a soul-level - something that goes deeper than psychological effects, I did not find a better name for it.
Still at my workplace - as soon, from my POV, it is not extremely international - people are ignorant and will gaslight and "all other kind of stuff" you. I experienced this my whole life. Literally beginning in Kindergarten to school to university to being an employee. And me I do like to take part of social activities, but only when its balanced people - and even only balanced people are the rarest 2 percent I would say.
An example from already some time ago:
Mhh, I accidentally deleted my own message somehow; okay, again:
When I was in Kindergarten I did not understand how to play tag. They explained it forcefully to me and me I said that I do not understand the sense of it running around and nudge other children and that I do not like it when others touch me without that I say it is okay. Then the nursery school teacher told all children to line up and to nudge me one after another. I got into panic but I froze already, I could not cry, I just said, that she really has to understand that I do not want that, because I did not like others to touch me. She smiled at me like she was doing something noble and said something like "Do not worry, we will make you enjoy playing tag. You will have fun." and I completely froze.
The children all nudged me and laughed at me at times while the nursery school teacher only smiled to the laughing child and said smiling something like "do'n't laugh", but she smiled herself. This was pure hell for me. I froze and I could not cry, I could not do anything, but it literally hurt me when they touched me. I have had some weird experiences when I was young regarding touch, it just did hurt me in many occasions.
After that I was completely unhinged while they forced me to play tag with the other children. But I could not run after a few meters, my legs got stiff and rigid, so I fell down. I could not talk anymore really, my body was so rigid I could not get up anymore, I stared around lying on the earth ground and when I think back I feel again that it felt like I was in a combat, even though I had no idea about combats back then - but from nowadays it remembers me of that.
Then another kid got aware of me lying helpless on the ground. It called the other kids to laugh about me and to throw sand at me from the nearby sandbox while calling me a fraidy cat and laughed about me.
I never talked about it at home, because there it has been the same experience. No wonder autistics do have a strong link to CPTSD.
Wel, the only thing I do not really understand in your video - and if you found time to clarify it, I was able to better understand your meaning related to the sentence in which you say, forgive me that I summarize it now only somehow, I am aware you've said it differently: "I only want to do my job and then go home." Do you mean thereby that you are generally not interested in your job or is it more related to that you do not want to join social gatherings after work or go to lunch with everyone at the same time to basically sit around and listen to their conversations, that are so unaware that you get a brain-damage therefrom? I did not find out how you meant it.
Because in that regards, I would be different then. I love the actual job I do, I take it super serious, but very humourously. I do work also in weekends, because I always have in mind that the more I work, the more I learn, the more I learn, the more adverse experiences I will have, the more of them, the better my ability of easily tackling whatever issue, not just at work, generally in life, will become.
Thank you for sharing this personal video. Since you shared your personal ideas and thoughts, I wanted to also share some of mine, since I think what you give, you should get back.
I will check now your older videos while drawing. I hope you are doing okay, keep smiling as well.
Thanks for the message. In relation to your question about doing my job and going home...I mean it two fold. First, I have zero connection to the social aspects related. Chit chat, personal conversation etc. Secondly, because of that, it makes work very difficult. If there was a scenario where I could leave the house, complete my day, and never verbally communicate without being in a world that judges you for it, I'd genuinely do much better 👍🏻
thank you for your clarification :). Actually, I will upload next week a conversation with a clinical psychologist from the U.S. about pathological narcissism in a work-environment. Since you mentioned this "judging" part, I think you could benefit from watching it. This is not a self-promotion, I could also tell you to study the next 5 years pathological narcissism and all schools of psychology to come to an own assessment.
And besides, sorry, I need still to ask something to understand you better: I mean, you do talk alot in your videos. And I can relate to many things very much. So, is it that you just do not like chitchat, because me I do not like that either. Or is it because you generally are not interested in other people? Because that creates a logic error in my head: Because you do talk alot about other people and their perceived impact on you. So, I think, actually, you are a very interested and curious human being. Otherwise you would not even mention all these observations you do make about others. A regular "normal" person would not realize these things. Or are you only interested in their behaviour since it makes you adapting yours? I ask so many things, because I do want to understand you right and correctly, not just assume something about you and thereby do not do your being - in the last instance - right.
Thank you for your answer howsoever :). @@AdultwithAutism
My videos are me talking 'to' people, not 'with' people. I struggle with the exchange in conversation if that makes sense?
I don't get to speak from an Autistic perspective in everyday life, so this is my outlet to 'turn my thoughts into words', something I'd also never done.
So now I just share whatever falls out of my face should anyone be curious to watch 👍🏻
I don't know if you'll read this but I just want to thank you. Just got my diagnose a month ago (at 36) and I can see myself reflected in your videos. Thanks a lot.
Thank you
There is a huge danger in deciding to unadulteratedly "unmask," if "unmasking" means giving free vent to absolutely every whim, every instinct, every flight of fancy that springs from one's mood at the moment. If "masking" means not doing THAT, well, the whole world "masks." In other words, everybody has to exert SOME degree of self-control, self-denial, social compromise, convention, and the simple effort of accomodating to necessary circumstances that nobody really loves but seem to be the only way to get necessary things done. And I say this as an autistic man who knows in excruciating clarity what it means to face a committee meeting with horror, to feel like the earth is gaping wide surging to swallow me up into this black abyss. That's just one of innumerable social-sensory environments that are hell to me. What I'm doing now, at 66 years of age, eight months into my ASD realization, is to incrementally assert my prerogative based on my genuine ASD needs. I have greater freedom now, magnificently enhanced freedom, to say, "No, I can't do that; no, I DON'T do that; you know, I can do this a different way; look, here's what you need from me: A, B, C--you don't need me to sit there for an hour, you've already got it," etc. But it is a way, like a path through a jungle, that I'm picking through carefully, soberly, privately, and DEFINITELY without the least interest in any autism "group's" flavor-of-the-month gripe or whine or hobby horse. You know, there are lots of things that being autistic doesn't change. One of them is, a 65-year-old isn't a 16-year-old. And discovering you're autistic doesn't mean you've glommed onto a trendy victim-label for social cachet. One of the greatest ironies is, being autistic is very largely a matter of being alone ("auto"), of NOT taking to the "herd," and so it's hugely ironic that so many young people are glomming onto a herd-y, trendy, acting-out-y notion of "autism" as a "get out of jail free card" ("My daughter's autistic--you have no right to touch her, to arrest her, to make her accountable for her behavior!"). There is an intrinsic contradiction in "Autistic Just Like Us." Yes, there's more than one autistic person in the world, but it is of the very nature of autism that it cannot be packaged as a social movement. That is when it's a farce and parody. As they say, if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. All the commonalities that define the spectrum notwithstanding, there's a lot of truth in that.
There is a lot of truth in that, I agree. Unfortunately, Autism became 'trendy', and people started claiming they were Autistic. That became tough for people who were diagnosed and were hiding in plain sight, as people started being vocal with a 'look at me' mentality...something we generally shy away from.
Off topic but related, the same happened with having a beard. No one had one, I was called scruffy. Then Hipsters became a thing, so then I was branded a Hipster. I was never and will never be a Hipster, but with these changes brought incorrect judgements. Just like with the new Autism wave 👍🏻
Again my friend u have hit the nail on d head! I am 59 n saw yr other videos n have just realized when listening to you that I am defo autistic! Yr videos r blowing my mind n u chat my kinda logic!!! Kp 'em coming.its like I found someone I can talk to! I have had so many burnouts nw its not funny your making so much sense n things that have hapnd to me that I didn't understand u've made sense in one video! Thank u
Glad you can relate 👍🏻
The more i unmasked the more violence you open yourself up to. I have to decided between bubbly, weird and overly trusting, or cold and detached. Nothing works. I flipped off my old boss who was bullying me after leaving my job and they tried running me off the road with their car while i was on a skateboard. Right after i came out as trans too. Im the first one to get cut from a job.
Unmasking is when you know youre safe. You really have to go out of your way to find your people but in any group i feel this invisible wall form.
It's tough because we need to find who can be trusted as the person. A good natured person so is rare these days. People don't become trustworthy based over a set of circumstances, it's either in them or it isn't. I don't mind admitting I have gotten this part wrong a thousand times 👍🏻
Thanks, Paul. I'm 75 and I've been there. What a mess. My mum told me I was the most courageous person she knew. Time I started making videos, I reckon. Appreciate your work.
Definitely a fan of more older content creators! They have stories to tell.
Thank you for your honest, raw and very real video.
I have recently had a diagnosis (adult) after years of wondering. Long history of being treated for mental health conditions and wondering what’s wrong me me, socially, why I struggle so much in some environments etc. Only now so much makes sense. I can be kinder to myself. Your videos have really helped so much in my diagnosis journey. Just wanted to say thanks.
No problem at all 👍🏻
I was 43 when I found out. It sort of felt like a relief at first because a lot of rejection and social awkwardness suddenly made sense. But that boiling water… I was unable to contain by that time in my life, which is why I did the adult assessment in the first place, because I started manifesting more autistically to people on a regular basis and it was becoming visible, the side of me that I hid from everyone.
What I found out, however, was that while it was a relief to know, it’s been difficult to discover the breadth of the effects. I know exactly what you mean about building a life on a mask and then revealing to people that that’s not really who you are. It reminds me of Jim Carrey going through a depressive episode and having everyone question the person that he was on the other side. He wasn’t the Jim Carrey that everyone knew.
Everyone knows me to be a certain type of person to be able to work 13 hours for weeks on end and not show signs of stress except for private moments they don’t get to see. Suddenly showing all those people who I really am would look like I was going crazy.
I’ve discovered the breadth of my masking I can pat my young self on the back for coming up with such a complicated mechanism to fitting in. And I just don’t have the confidence that people have taken off the social pressure that that young version of myself knew was there.
Staying on Jim Carrey, I've often felt like my life is the Truman Show. I can see the actual intention of others whilst they act completely differently.
@@AdultwithAutism I had strong reaction to Truman show. long h knowing about neuro atypical
New subscriber & late diagnosed at 40 after a massive burnout and my masked life went to shit.
I find it excrutiating to put the mask back on now, even answering the door to the postman feels impossible.
I relate to your experiences.
Welcome
Love your videos, you are good at it, keep them up!
I was diagnosed with asd 3 yrs ago at aged 27. 😊
I just started following you a few weeks ago keep going 👏🏻
Thank you 👍🏻
Enjoying your videos!
Yes, “masking” is essentially some behavior pattern we learned. I doubt we can stop applying them altogether.
(I might get diagnosed, in my mid 40s. After diagnosis saying no about it, but the initial test didn’t make sense to me when I did the test without thinking in that frame of thought about my past)
Thank you
Formally identified as autistic at 51 (+adhd). I get why you struggle to smash the mask. NHS manager once mentioned that I was quite senior for someone like me.
Peaceloving, altruistic creatives who feel everything should not need a label. The issue is all the narcissists in power, promoting their own culture of sociopathy & narcissism that we must conform to.
Its always been this way narc Cain murdered righteous Abel because he was jealous; Joseph's brother's left him for dead & sold him to slavery because he was a "dreamer", the religios leaders tortured and murdered Jesus because His righteousness exposed their hypocrisy. Nothing has changed there will always be predators & prey, just do what you can to stay off their radar.
Glad you have a safe place to retreat to, lunch alone at work & pj's YES can totally resonate. Although ive no diagnosis. All the very best to you 😎🙏
Just live true to your design... And of course, own comfy pajamas 👍🏻
I've thought of that a lot, how Cain murdered Abel. I'm sure Abel never saw it coming! I remind myself a lot how Jesus was treated, and even after a horrible bloody scourging and a lot of blood loss, they were still spitting on Him, mocking Him, hurling contempt and hatred at Him, screaming for His death and the worst way possible. It's mind boggling.
I've watched a lot on narcissism and it's helping me protect myself. It's a thoroughly narcissistic culture now, and the worst things glorified in the media and "entertainment".
I was bullied my entire childhood.
Assaulted, kidnapped and tortured. One time I was choked in the middle of art class.
I was randomly punched in the face for absolutely no reason so many times it didn't even bother me anymore. I just thought it was normal.
How did I exact my vengeance you may ponder?
I punished them in the worst possible way. I allowed them to live their life. I can't think of a worse punishment than being them.
That is quite profound! Not sure if it was meant that way. But it is a great point. We might be an outlet for those who don't have the capacity to accept difference, and then they go on to be an intolerant and short sighted adult in terms of their life. I always remember a bully of mine, I felt Karma got him back when he ended up in a winless situation as an adult. Heavily unbalanced in relation to a child saying and doing mean things to another child, versus what he went through...but I just saw a loss getting avenged! 👍🏼
I also decided to not masking anymore, also discovered I'm autistic last year on 55 yo. Why do I need to live a lie? Now true to myself.
Glad to hear that.
New subscriber here, it's nice to see a fellow Manc who is on the spectrum doing some great work, well done mate 👍
Welcome! I appreciate the endorsement...and at least someone will get my slang!
Not having a mask is a foreign idea to me. I want to but I can't like making a phone call .. I CAN NOT do it.
And people wonder why we were masks. This is making me tear up because it's so hard to live my life being what everyone else wants me to be so I feel safe. I'm terrified to go out. PTSD up the wazoo. It's nice and refreshing to hear a sensible person on social midea being real and not flashing and trying to sell themselves as ASD candy. Granted I appreciate some creators. But that jumpy cuts of film upset me. This is just like a nice smooth whisky. Not a bunch of jello shots 😅 sorry if that doesn't make sense.
My last employer gave me a hard time for not telling her I was autistic, she asked me why I didn't tell her, my response was that I didn't want to be treated differently. She still gave me a hard time, I worked very hard for 4 years and burnt out, they're no longer in business as they could never find any one who could do the same as I did. I was their longest serving employee, as they had a high turnover. They couldn't keep anyone long enough and I am surprised I managed it for as long as I did, to be honest. I ended up out of work because of a work related back injury and I am slowly recovering... But I have lost faith in employers after this experience....They only care about exploiting people.
Business is business, it isn't personal. I invested so much of myself personally everywhere I worked, but even the people I worked for didn't care as much as I did.
The day I fell in line and just saw businesses as a transaction, the better it got. They need someone to do the work, I can do it...and I want that level of pay.
Shake hands, done deal, expect no more unless they give more first 👍🏻