I'm with you on that one!! I have dread a lot, to the point I thought it was a sin. Of course, it isn't I was just trying to make sense of it all. I love these videos! Hugs to you all.
A shaman suggested when the dread hits to ask "how old are you?" That has been life-changing. And to then simply hold space for that inner child of any age, young or older, listen if there are words, encompass with compassion whether there are words or not, don't try to fix or change, just be there, hold space, and be gentle bc that's what we didn't have when those feelings were created. I'm teary just thinking about how grateful I am to have asked the shaman and how much her words have helped in the months since during the daily dread of decades that is slowly diminishing to sometimes only a few days a week. I do hope her words can help someone else here, too. Love to you. ❤️
@@GalvMermaid50 Oh, dear, I'm with you, too! Probably it is not your sin or mine. It is the sin of our tribe we have to cope with. And that is a truth the bible (and other holy books maybe too) adresses, because it is a truth that the sin of our mothers and fathers, grandparents = the tribe can lie heavy on us as children. I only found out about it, when I realised that I compromise the feelings of my own child because of CPTSD and I was supposed to NOT pass it down to the next generation. I'm not sure, that I succeeded fully, but at least I tried. I took responsibility and set boundaries for the sake of my child. Hope we all get stronger, day by day, hope YOU do. Let's build a new tribe that is supportive and friendly and shows us in words and action, that we are NOT alone. Where there are two or three together in my name... LOVE, C.
the weird thing is.. when i'm around someone that i love i often fear getting abandoned. but when i'm alone i just do my thing and i often feel much better than i did with them?? the fear is the worst part. also my entire family betrayed me so.. i know i can survive on my own. i wish i was alone in the wilderness forever tbh. i dont like people at all.
I feel exactly the same. So then if we find another that had the same issues and can relate.. And understand.. Then is it possible to have a relationship with them and try to heal together or us that just more form of unhealthy co deoendancy?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes you are. It's hard to see past my own stuff but I hear you too. Now you are helping all of us. I appreciate you and all that you do here.
This is probably one of my biggest triggers. I'm so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and driving people away. I'm terrified that once people see the real me they will reject and abandon me. Those fears have been reinforced over the years by friend after friend disappearing from life. Either just no longer being there even when I beg, drifting away in general cause we grew apart or explosive arguments and hate where there used to be love. This fear is making me terrified of myself because I know my unstable behavior undermines my friendships and the closer I get to people the more explosive the fallout can become. Having my closet friend go from caring about me and going out of her way to express how much our friendship meant, to three weeks later cutting me out of her life and returning letters in the mail, it has triggered an intensity of pain and disregulation that nothing else ever has. My whole system is still in shock close to a year later. How do you trust yourself and those close to again after such rejection from someone you never saw it coming with?
I've been through this for the past 3 years. It's going to take time. Please look up TRE. Tension and trauma releasing exercises. I know it's a struggle on your own. I pray God brings you little angels throughout your journey. Just take it a day even an hour at a time. I know u feel shattered. But you aren't. You're expanding your capacity to hold for others. And you're rising in your power. God bless you.
I have done this so many times. I have no true friends. Thank God my sister,who went through it gets me and my cousins understand and stick with me. I hate being around people.
Today, when I saw a picture of my ex out with some college friends. I had a panic attack just from a picture. Now that I think rationally about it I am glad he is out overcoming his social anxiety. In that moment all I felt was "he’s giving his love to others in a way he was never able to give it to me" and "him giving others the love I never got, makes me feel so much less". It’s just scary what scripts are activated. But I’m glad I don’t go into complete shock for days anymore.
My parents argued from 4, divorced at 6, mum left at 6, emotionally abused by my caregivers, dad left at 8 and committed suicide at 10, mum came back married to someone new who used to abuse me. The older I get the worse it is. I wish I got help all those years ago
I'm so sorry @A AM. This is some really hardship and I wish you the best. I hope you'll stick around my channel, and in particular, try my free Daily Practice course. It can help! courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
Crappy Childhood Fairy Thank you, I don’t think I’ve had a moments silence in my head all my life, or felt truly connected to anything either (even though I really want to be), it’s like I don’t actually exist. I’m working my way through your videos and they are helping. I will look into the daily practise. Thanks again x
This really resonated....thank you. I have this fear of abandonment as part of my Cptsd/anxiety disorder package. I have a very small number of people I trust but I get triggered when there’s any kind of sense of distancing. I don’t trust that the distance is just little or temporary or not really a thing. Part of my fear is feeling like I can’t make it as a grownup....that somehow if someone isn’t there to be like a ‘backup adult’ I’ll just wig out and wind up homeless, crazy and totally non functional. I normally am hyper-responsible, it’s just that in the back of my mind, it’s like, if someone isn’t there to have my back, I’m going to spiral into nothingness. It feels like driving fast on an icy highway with no brakes and I hate it. EMDR has helped with the traumas but these triggers are still there.
The tribe had abandoned me decades ago. I believe a lot of people misunderstand my standoffishness as narcissistic but, little do people know that I have a avoidant personality due to my past. As much as I long for a "soul mate" or a twin flame in my life, I have to concede that I'll more than likely live the rest of my life in loneliness.
I’m amazed of all the patterns I see in my life listening to this. Procrastination and hurrying cycles. Constant fear of abandonment. I’m coming out of depression, this gives me new tools to live!
@Gypsy Julie: mine died in March 2020. We were estranged pretty much our entire lives. I tried to approach her with questions, hoping for an apology of some sort. I was put in my place when she said,” I’ve gotten over it a long time ago. Don’t bother me with this nonsense. Get a shrink.” I will tell you that it’s a VERY hard journey. It’s been 9 months since her passing, and emotions go up and down. Because we were estranged, and people knew it, I got no support, in fact some people congratulated me...(?!?!?) . I’m walking a very hard path. Don’t be surprised if you get disregulated and need time to work it out. There is no closure.... very hard. Best of luck 😘
I’ve not long been diagnosed with this and after some research have realised I’ve been suffering this for years due to abuse in family home and then of course relationships afterwards. Being a workaholic for years and a people pleaser put me at breaking point, I was diagnosed and signed off work. I start my ‘recovery’ tomorrow, a ten week programme. Loneliness has been the worst for me, and for years. I’m more accustomed to it as I age but as a result I’m now a hermit. Emotional flashbacks are something I am prone to and seem to be triggered quickly and I can blow up. My temper has been a problem for me and I’ve had a few brushes with the law. I’m not a bad person. I just can’t regulate my emotions when triggered. I’m so caught up in outrage I loose control for a few moments. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want my scars to be seen by others and I’ve seen some people’s eyes when they see me angry, like they see past it. That hurts more than anything. Because all you want to do is feel someone cares and knows your pain. Understands why you are the way you are. And it’s complex alright. I’m a friendly outgoing person. So when I snap it shocks people and I feel embarrassed. I’ve been sexually, physically and mentally abused. After that trail of destruction came more over the years from bad choices in men. I need to really fave up to my demons and put my past behind me, I don’t want to be in this same pain in years to come
suzie mckenzie I’m the same diagnosed at 49 after 2 abusive relationships and sexual assault in my late teens and then again by a family member and parents who bullied & shamed me growing up ... a narcissist mother and my father who enables her and dishes out his own share of abuse when questioned or stood up to ..... I literally feel so alone at the moment I have some good safe friends now but it is so painful to be ganged you on and dismissed by your family .... they have also managed to manipulate my son to also get on board I’m devastated
I’m less a person in my families eyes than who I actually am. Even after my mum’s death my sister still reinforces my mum’s agenda which was basically a pecking order with my sister stood at front of line. After being diagnosed I now see that if I don’t break the cycle of abuse my mum trained her children to adhere to I will not live a satisfying life, I will end up sectioned or suicidal. It’s sad when it’s our own families that are the insidious energy behind our ache and pains. Thank the lord for my daughter who is my saving grace, my drive, my everything ❤️
@@suziemckenzie1649 Our beautiful daughters are a gift to us. Even in those "moments," we can learn from them and break the cycle. They are the future and are paying attention to how we handle our precious lives. God bless and keep you through this new era of growth and enlightenment!
I always thought that all children were treated like I was until I got into intense therapy & learned that I had an exceptionally abusive crew of caregivers in my life. So, when I married a somewhat less abusive man, I thought this was love. I still don't think I will ever be able to say that I love anyone again. I love life. People, for me, are just a form or annoyance most of the time. At 67 years of age, I know that my abusers did not mean to mess with my head. They did what they were taught to do. I tried not to repeat this abuse with my child. I was not a perfect parent, but I know I wasn't the same as my own were to me. My abusers made me a strong survivor & a weak link in my chain. The family bloodline will not be carried on. My one child will not be having children of her own. I'm fine with knowing I won't have to worry about seeing them abused by the world of sick people we have in America today.
@@sherrydee7880, no, I think it's good that you have a firm grasp and I think that you've done well and have, obviously, been a good parent. My reaction was to the sad situations that you have had to combat and I think that it's sad that you're glad that your child will not reproduce, in that you "won't have to worry about seeing them abused by the world of sick people... in America...". I'm sure many would agree that that's sad and I say that with huge respect, because I do understand and, to repeat, I think you've done well.
@@fox39forever Wow! If breeding is all you are sad about, that's a win in itself (to me)! In spite of my mistakes as a parent, the kid did grow up to become a 1st Responder. So, what you may see as a "loss" for me, is a "win" for the rest of society. Everything happens for a reason. Color me proud. The kid found a bigger and stronger family to connect with.
@@sherrydee7880, I'm on your side. Your negative response really is sad. I never used the word "loss" and said you've done well, but you did talk about children possibly being "abused by the world of sick people... in America". If you want to take a hostile meaning from what was a friendly and supportive message from me, then that's a matter for you. I wish you well, in any case.
I was severely triggered by having to put a much loved cat down this week. The emotions were so overwhelming and I am doing my best to show myself love and compassion.
Know that You Are Loved. When you gave all that love to your friend you were loving All cats, and yourself. They know this! You Are So loved by the Universe. And thank you for sharing when I know it hurts so much.
This is complicated by my ADHD. My impulsiveness makes me so much more sensitive to the vibes people put off and how they react when I screw up, and I panic easily. My entire life I've been trying to match the abilities and behaviors of neurotypicals, especially the expectations of my folks (no surprise there), and every failure is just more heartbreak
ADHD may complicate some things but the Daily Practice - which has fostered so much healing in me and others- can absolutely be done despite having ADHD. Here is a link bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy
My mother who passed away 2 years ago from cancer emotionally abandoned me growing up. That is she was very emotionally closed off. This has affected me all the way into my adulthood.
My mom passed away in 2012 and yet she's not gone. Because how I view myself was shaped by how she treated me. I'm an adult now but I have no idea how to adult. Convinced my husband will leave me, convinced I can't make friends, convinced I'll be fired or unsuccessful with anything I do. Convinced if someone doesn't text me back they hate me...yadda yadda.
My Father was abandoned by both parents at 3. He gave me a dose of that fear when I was a kid. Some gift. I experienced a strong dose of emotional flashback about a year ago. Our church headquarters decided to implement a "lock the door 5 minutes after the start of services" security policy. My wife is disabled and has a hard time getting around. One day we were locked out of church. I was livid, humiliated and felt abandoned. I was dysregulated and felt all the sensations. My wife has seen this before, but this happened long before I learned about CPTSD. We ended up taking a long drive, during which I expressed my emotions. Christ said he would never abandon his people. It's time they learned how to not abandon their own "brethren" as well. Maybe this can start with people like me being healed. Than you Anna and Cara.
You are such an amazing and warm person! I feel nutured just watching you and seeing that you overcame all that gives me the courage to work on myself. Thank you!
My abandonment trauma was triggered by a new friendship with a coworker when she took a job with another team. The feeling of overwhelming danger, fear, and sadness seemed to come out of nowhere and has been triggered many times since then, mostly by lying thoughts in my head. It never bothered me as a young person, probably because I didn't allow myself to develop close emotional bonds. Is there some correlation between the onset of trauma triggers and aging?
Thank you for this video. It’s so validating. I feel so abnormal because everyone around me has amazing relationships meanwhile I make everyone leave me :(
Great video and usual. We are so fearful of abandonment that we put up with toxic people when we shouldn't. We don't trust ourselves. We second guess ourselves when we should simply trust that gut instinct.
Honestly @Brendon, my gut instinct isn't always that reliable! Personally I like to have a few principles I know to be true, and check my gut instinct against them.
@Debbie We can't complain if we don't go out and make the effort to meet new people. We have only ourselves to blame if we hang out with toxic people. Sometimes it's hard to accept that we don't like to get outside our comfort zone......but it has to be done or we just wither and die
Thank you for opening up for us... I think, many of us who experienced such or similar abandonment as kids, instantly felt that sting inside listening to your story. Interesting, how even years past and many of us healed or are in a process of healing, but you still remember so clearly that feeling of blunt realization that those who had to love and protect you, just didn't... And truly, it's a huge trigger later in life...
I was just abandoned by my ex who ghosted me after a long distance argument. She did this to me when we were young and I think she represents my narc father figure rejection. I felt internally 'shattered' like my body was splitting into pieces, tense, in a constant state of panic, shallow breathing. Its been horrible. Meanwhile I haven't even seen this person in over 20 years so my feelings were completely irrational. I am recovering one day at a time literally.
I had the same dam experience that took me over ten years to heal from. It's in your head like it happened yesterday. Friggin crazy ain't it . I thought I was insane. Listening to Anna has really helped in the journey of recovery. And that's what it is
I believe that's why my love language is TIME. because if someone is physically with me and not present or grounded with me , I feel really anxious and abandoned. There's totally no point in even being around this person. I have been so invalidated by my mum and sister , even to this day . I guess all these feelings are connected . I only feel pleased or happy about the time spent with someone if the energy is equally back and forth and there's lots of eye contact and presentness
Your video just made me realize that my parents often don't want to talk to me or sort things out when I was a child. For me that was so important and I often ran downstairs trying to talk to them to tell them how things were for me etc. I just realized that I have the same thing going on in my relationship...when my partner doesn't wanna talk to me right away to sort things out about what happened this abandonment trigger cones up...I often get mean then...it am just angry...it shuts me down and makes me feel helpless...I will tell my partner about ky trigger...thank you so much for making me realize this...
I had my first anxiety attack due to my best friend saying “I won’t ever leave you” and it made me feel good and then I got several memories at the same time and was crying and shaking and my heart was shaking I was able to suppress it enough to get another one of my friends to calm me down. I love my best friend and I’m glad she’s in my life and I don’t know what would happen without her
I will hang onto freindships that are clearly dysfunctional . Only , ultimately abandoned . However , thank God I have many great , supportive freinds who are there for me regardless . Love me unconditionally . For me , its see the signs that soneone is unavalible and don’t get involved .
I was adopted so abandonment is a real thing. I counted once, how often I have been abandoned in my life. At birth, at 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months. At 15, 22, 40, and 64. But I still want to know how to properly connect and be loved.
My neighbor moved out and left no forwarding; changed their number. We didn't talk that much but shared some hobbies etc. I felt better just having him there. I feel so frightened.
It broke my heart hearing about your childhood and the things you went through because of your mom. I just wanted to come through the screen and give you a huge hug (I hope that's not too weird :). I'm so sorry that you went through that, and it's so impressive that you've healed and are now helping others to heal.
I figured out my abandonment was the trigger for two recent huge issues with friends. One stopped talking to me altogether and the other pulled away drastically because I responded so badly. Now I know why and now I know what to do.
I felt abandoned by my therapist. I tried to address it. I heard him say "it's okay, it's serving the therapy". I was still triggered by the abandonment I felt. I tried to address it again. Got dysregulated. He said that I was the one abandoning him. Now I'm freaking out cause I'm honestly not so sure what's happening.
You can be in the dominant role for the first time by forgiving her. (It's for YOU, not her.) You don't have to forgive her in person. Just in your mind. She wouldn't get it.
I can relate to what it feels being (both emotionally and occasionally physically) abandoned by an important caregiver at an early age, what it feels like when you have inmet needs from your mother, and how it outplays when it is triggered.
When a bonded parent or caregiver abandons a dependant baby or child and never returns it's as if they had died. Abandoned in a frightening world without the essential bond with a caregiver, babies have been known to cry and scream for days, refuse food and hardly sleep. even bang their heads on their cots. For many children in poor orphanages in the 1950's their screams would lapse into a deep dark silence and helpless lethargy. It happened to me at the age of 18 months in the period of every child's separation anxiety. In the 1950's most of us were orphans cared for in harsh children's homes, adopted out or left to come of age to be released from care. And 70 years later I still have flashbacks of that early abandonment. For most of my life pathological depression increased rejections in my relationships because of the fear of loss. It was easier to reject others than to be rejected myself. It was a deep mourning. So, I know what John Bowlby is talking about in his book series on loss and abandonment, particularly Vol. 3 Attachment and Loss, relating to sadness and depression. Growing out of this agony wasn't easy because of later childhood abuse, a violent adoptive father and a violent husband. Now here's the thing. We can climb out of traumas like this, even if it takes a lifetime, knowing that God loves us enough to take charge of and heal us if we ask to be adopted into His care later in life. By way of baptism I was saved from ending my life or being killed by a violent husband because I had the strength to quit these dysfunctional relationships. Yeshua (Jesus) provides a way to rise above it all and take charge of our lives and our safety, anf I will always give credit to every enlightened soul who has experienced this pain and succeeded to overcome it, helping to pull others out of suffering and bring this truth and message of hope to every lost and abandoned child. I'm planning to write my life story. If you are planning your li I recommend Kate Nicholas' Soul Scribe (sold on Eden books websihht). 🌹😊✝️
Dad sent to prison when I was 7, mum died when I was 10, older brother died when I was 15! I don't wonder why I'm such a mess, I wonder why I'm still here.
I’m speechless. Your’re story, is, well....my story. I particularly respect your knowledge, communication skills, and empathy. You have given me such hope. Thank you for offering your assistance in an accessible and meaningful way. You’re awesome Crappy Childhood Lady! (Now I just have to find a way past the many years I spent seeing about 9 plus therapists) I’m 57..but I keep getting better and better.
My father died an unnatural death when I was 35. I thought my PTSD was triggered by that but after watching this video and several others, I have a feeling the trauma started much earlier in life and is getting harder to manage as I get older. Thank you for sharing your story, Anna, and for all your helpful videos. It helps knowing we're not alone. ❤
That was so spot on. That feeling is so intense it makes me so sick to my stomach. I know when it started when I was a child. I know why it happens as an adult now. I am working on getting better, but it still happens.
Wow, it's amazing this is the first time I've ever heard anyone talk about anything physical and REAL that most people would just call 'emotion' ... and would never describe, explain, or bother to try to understand! SO appreciated! It's just sad that this thing that should be normal isn't! Why doesn't anybody else do this? Why have I waited so long to hear this? I also LOVE that it was not just described in words but with a very simple gesture -- that made it so real, showed the feeling moving through the body .... It's not that I've ever had this particular feeling myself, but I have had other feelings and it's at best an ex-treme rarity for anyone to care or just be able to listen!
Hmm, abandonment... Nothing major severe happened to me as a child , I was left what seemed hours waiting for my mother to cross a road , she'd forgotten me, also apparently left in my Pram outside a shop ( in the early 60's) . I've never felt really loved by either of my parem sc, they seemed cold and unemotional. Both didn't show respect or love all my life , no praise, no respect, no backing , no warmth, no encouragement . Stability I guess Wasn't an issue... Crying wasn't really allowed and fear took a hold because of lack of empathy. I've carried fear issues all my life and I definitely feel abandoned by those close to me, or, that I get close to . Even my husband abandoned me through accidental death while I was carrying our son ... An accident that didn't need to happen felt abandoning. My father couldn't even hug me that day !
Thank you for the validation. I have lived with this for decades now. Culmunated two years sgo throwing myself at a best friend who ghosted me. Then died. But oh. I am so embarrassed I threw myself at the one person i thought who i had mutual love with. Left. Overnight. Then he died a year later. Oh a long story but it mskes sense in terms of someone who raised herself, had noone, Didnot think i deserved love, then fell in love and got cancer. My family of origin did what they always did, ignored my needs and left me alone. Have talked to me since treatment five years ago. But i had dony. Then he left too. And always. I clung to everyone. Now i dont care and will never have an ounce of faith or expectation jn people coming through.
I'm almost sure I posted the link for you this past week but just in case: crappychildhoodfairy.com/ There are some more resources there and I'd recommend starting with Daily Practice course (free) if you want to break out of the isolation. Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy
I have never heard it described before as you have but it felt exactly like an injection of poison slowly (or not) leading straight to the core! I had always blamed myself for being some kind of weirdo. Thanks Anna. Wish I had found you sooner, ♡.
That is the best thing that has come from all this. It's benefitted me too to hear from people like you -- really made it clear this is a "thing" and not just my personal experience.
My fear comes from my father passing away when I was 13 and my mother never being available to talk. A specific memory that's burned into my brain is after he passed away I knocked on her bedroom door and her usual "what do you want now?!" replied. That one always stuck with me because of all the times to finally be there for me this was the one to be. I felt so lonely and I no longer could call him after she would abuse me for reassurance or comfort.
Got dumped by a 4 year relationship only found out about 4 months ago what I had and now I finally need to face the demons that’s have been hiding within me and eating me up and it’s this it’s so hard and I feel like I’m dying but I know I need to acknowledge it and learn how to fight it.
I am. For me, ‘feeling abandoned’ is multi-dimensional. Physical? Absolutely. Emotional? Absolutely. Psychological? Absolutely. All very hard. Perhaps the hardest is the betrayal: Beginning in a specific manner, having a fairly specific experience of the world, and et cetera, and all of that being simply shut down early. There’s a line of demarcation between the middle of fifth grade and sixth grade. Like an earthquake in my development. Once, as an adult not too long ago, I said to the ‘parent’, ‘This isn’t even who I am ...’ Her response: ‘I know.’ It’s that profound rupture that’s most difficult: My whole experience past age twelve is radically off, and I cannot retrieve a thing. It’s like, ‘Wow. What in the fuck ...’
Such a confusing complex issue - and there you go putting it in words in such a short explanation .. this already gives a bit more clarity ... you are a magical fairy for many around the globe 🌟
In 12 Step programs, part of the healing comes from reading aloud the inventory, (resentments,) to a trusted person. But writing it it all down and getting it all out definitely helps. Thanking you for your marvelous videos!
Yes, drawing from the 12-step approach (from which this practice is derived) we call the reading part (5th step) "the buddy system." People in my courses connect with a buddy. So far it's working pretty well!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for all the time and effort you put into creating your video sessions. Your channel just came to me and I am indeed grateful. Please- keep coming back, it works ;-)
Now I know why you are so insightful.. you had quite a childhood as well. For me, abandonment wounds are the very worst. I still have scars from that and unfortunately never found a partner to show me that that would change. I have however stopped abandonnng my own inner child and that is precious indeed. Thanks so much for your priceless videos! God bless!
My fear got triggered numerously the past three days, and it all came down to the "realization" that I am not most important to the people who are most important to me, even if this realization wasn't truly backed up by any arguments, but as we know, there is no logic to trauma. I started to dread the fact that I'd be left behind again, just as always, right as I found myself caring and being comfortable
My heart breaks for that precious little girl you were, Anna. Your strength and bravery are so inspiring. Thank you for giving so much to us. You are priceless 💖
Anna Runkle - you are an angel sent by God. I SO needed this today as a confirmation that I'm on the right path about my own feeling of abandonment. I will look for your course and daily practice ❤
Hi David , you have a sweet spirit. Kindness in ppl are hard to find. Those who bully are to be pitied for hurting others is how they deal with their own poor self esteem. That doesn't let them off the hook, but the one bullied needs off the hook of victims mentality. As a Christian later in life, I had forgiveness to give others. Forgiveness is so practical bc of how it frees you from the past abuse. It does take asking God to forgive you for holding grudges or even hate. You think you can just forget abuse, but until bring it to God, the memories will still hurt. God knows it is easier to hold on to anger and it will take the help of God bc it does effect us spiritually. May the blessing of God and His heart peace overflow in your life.
Thank you Anna, for your hard work and putting out these videos, having experienced severe abuse/ neglect in my early childhood and witnessing the abuse done to my younger sister, (Due to our biological parents systematically abusing drugs and alcohol). When my biological parents were present, the good times were very rare, this was when the severe abuse would occur, and the large majority of the rest of the time, my biological parents were usually incapacitated or unconscious due to their substance-abuse fueled binges consequently one or even both parents were absent from the house for days at a time. So as a 4/5 year old I learned that I needed to take care of my younger sister the best way I that I could like getting food out of the cabinets to feed her that is if there was any food in the house to begin with. eventually being removed by the state and placed in a foster home, and then later to be adopted, we came into this world knowing only chaos. That was the norm for us. The people who adopted us were by no means perfect, they did provide, and at least there was a measure of love in the household. Before I even learned of the coined term to frame fear of abandonment, it was a severe reality that encompassed my entire life and even followed me well into adulthood. I remember a time when my mom wanted to shut my bedroom door as a young child and how that terrified me (referencing my adoptive mom and dad) and how I would just start crying. As a very young child, I was convinced that space aliens were going to come down and tie chains around my small bedroom and take me as well as my small bedroom out into space and leave me in a desolate area. I know that sounds so silly, yet that fear of abandonment I experienced to such a degree that I honestly believe it got imprinted on my DNA. And that if abandonment really did occur to me Again, it would annihilate me and I would go off to the great big oblivion.
Occasionally the YT algorithm does good stuff, like offering this. Your honesty is very much appreciated; I think it’s awesome. So much of what you say is relatable, and pertinent to me. Thank you
I lost my job in a reorg when my position was eliminated. The feelings of being unwanted and discarded have been extremely difficult to process and deal with. A few years have passed since then and the feelings of abandonment are still raw, and I harbor a lot of resentment toward the people who were working against me and pushed me out. I hope to make peace with it because I know it isn’t healthy or helpful.
That’s such a powerful topic. I’m so sorry to hear how your mother neglected you, Anna. But so happy to hear how you’ve learned to overcome it and are now teaching us. I had a friend break off our friendship earlier this week and it utterly gutted me. But I realized that, although painful, it was something that was most likely even more painful because of my fear of abandonment. Somehow just knowing that I’d be more prone to dis regulation helped me cry it out and then do good things for myself like reach out to other friends and workout. It’s never easy being abandoned or rejected by people but we can find peace and move forward. Thanks for all that you do. ❤️
Thanks once again @Brianna. I normally don't talk so much about past trauma of my own; when I do, I notice a big wave of negativity in the comments section. I think it's a microcosm of how trauma works as a whole. Sometimes it must be mentioned as a frame of reference. But it's the healing and the striving for a good life that are most uplifting to all of us!
I just found your videos tonight. I have watched 6 so far & sobbed through the first 3. WOW!! Going through a break up w a “Marco”only he is from Scotland! He is not as bad as “Marco” & I am not as bad as the woman who wrote the letter in the first video I watched. But I definitely feel broken & wounded beyond repair bc both of my parent’s are very ill triggering my childhood abandonment issues as I go through my chiron return during quarantine. I will def be watching the rest of your videos & courses. THANK YOU!
I recently quit my dream job because I felt abandoned by higher management. I had the tools and skills to do the job, to work through the crisis, like I had done before. However, in prior crises, I felt like I had the complete trust and backing of the people near and above me. This time I felt like I didn't and instead of sticking it out, I quit, I ran away. I folded up and gave up. I felt everything you described in this video. The fear of being left all alone, with no support, no help, no friends or allies. Another issue is that I had a motorcycle accident that put me in the hospital/bed rest. This caused a lot of my CPTSD to re-emerge, specifically not feeling physically safe or "good enough". I've had relationships disintegrate when I got injured and unable to provide, so my response is to protect and isolate myself, since I don't trust others to stand by me or protect me when I'm weakened. It hurts less to push them away than to let them push me away. Thank you for your videos. If I'd been able to recognize my symptoms in the moment, I might have been able to buy enough time to control them, and keep my job. I guess I'll have to do better next time.
Thank you so much for sharing your truth. It shook me to the core. I can definitely identify. My birth Mom would just leave without warning for days or a week at a time. Shed say don't question me if I asked where she was going or when she would be back. I I was an unloved and unprotected child. Ugh. My CPTSS makes sense now.
I’m glad I just ran into this. I knew the feeling and where it stems from, but the fact that it’s showing up when I feel ppl don’t show up for me how I show up for them triggers me.
Ma'am, I don't know where you've been all my life or what video I watched that made the RUclips algorithm decide to put you on my dash...but I'm very thankful to have found you.
My go-to first aid has always been music and lyrics. Jule Styne sort of got it with "People" from Funny Girl, but the best music I know that applies here is from Stephen Sondheim's Into The Woods, and the song is "No One Is Alone". Here is a link to just the audio, if you would like the words to speak to you: ruclips.net/video/5xaxP_kErTU/видео.html And here is a link to the stage performance, if you wish to see it in the show context: ruclips.net/video/lDXcGZHBiGo/видео.html
Thank you for this video. I never realized that abandonment has been a big trigger for me since childhood. I finally see it, and also notice a place where I've been feeling it lately, and have been on the verge of writing another friend off forever because of feeling abandoned by her. It's not easy to live with these scars and keep friends. I appreciate your work so much and will be trying the daily practice this week.
My father worked 80+ hours a week, took work with him on "vacations". My mother would leave for days, weeks and months at a time during my teenage years.
Abandonment has been a major feature of my life. My mother wanted to end her life when she found out she was pregnant with me (I was the fifth of 7 children). Post-partum, my mother developed a depressive psychosis. She left me to get help in another city. Consequently, I never bonded with her. When she returned, I wanted nothing to do with her, which became a huge threat for her. I became the family scapegoat. Fast forward, my husband left me for another woman after 42 years of marriage and 2 children. The abandonment terror resulted in several years of alcohol abuse which I used to survive. I wanted to die, pure and simple. I am better now; but abandonment almost killed me. God bless all of us who struggle to survive through such trauma❤️
When my now husband and I had arguments-I always thought "he's going to leave me". Whenever something came up at work, I thought "I'm going to get fired." I catastrophize and push people away. At least if it's only me, there is nobody to hurt but myself.
To be honest, we keep talking about how we used to need each other back in the day. But don't we still? I'm only here thanks to my care givers, and I everything I have is because of other people.
Thank you for watching! If you haven't already, try Anna's free Daily Practice course. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
The physical feeling is unreal. The pain is so intense and deep, it doesn't feel like you can survive. It's heat and tingly and I was having really strong, feelings of love for someone and I just froze one day. I know that it crossed my mind during sex, that losing her would be devastating. Shortly after, my walls went up and I managed to get too busy with other things in my life instead of investigating why that happened. Now I've completely lost the relationship and can't stop blaming myself for hurting her.
I get soo triggered when my bf leaves for work or errands. But now he went on some business trip to San Diego for 6 days and I feel so moody and upset that he left. Not cuz I’m jealous cuz I’m not. And even though I understand it’s a business trip but I feel like I don’t want him to go and just stay with me. I don’t have any family anymore and no friends in this state. I know I’m co dependent on him but he’s my only friend and since my narc mother rejected me in different ways (emotionally, spiritually and physically at times too), I can’t stand my loved ones being far away. Idk how to get over it. Focusing on my hobbies doesn’t help. I tried.
It is possible to have childhood ptsd with no apparent cause? I resonate with all the symptoms of early attachment trauma/ptsd and I have been professionally diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ptsd. I have been anxious and triggered around anything that resembles abandonment since I was little. But over-all, I come from a loving, stable, two parent home and my parents were in a loving marriage for nearly 50 years. I can't remember ever being abused, neglected, or anything like that. Little things come up but nothing major that seems out of the norm for a family just trying to make it together over the years. It makes NO sense. And I feel like having no memory of a trauma but having all the symptoms is really holding me back from fully embracing my diagnosis and moving forward into the steps to heal the trauma.
I don't encourage anyone to embrace a diagnosis... just face the symptoms that are holding you back, and work on calming them! There's no need for a diagnosis to get started.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for your input, I appreciate it! Do you think the skills you teach will help with anxiety, depression or ptsd whether it is childhood-related or not?
At one point, I completely crashed due to abandonment isues. Two phrases that I inwardly repeat as mantras have helped me avoid this from ever happening again. One is the cadence from the movie "Stripes" "It just doesn't matter." The other is "Everything goes away." I know that this may seem simplistic, but it helps me.
The way you described the physical sensation of absolute dread really resonated. No-one's ever got that before. Thank you 🙏💙🌻
I'm with you on that one!! I have dread a lot, to the point I thought it was a sin. Of course, it isn't I was just trying to make sense of it all. I love these videos! Hugs to you all.
❣️
I get exactly what you're saying "absolute dread ". On a day basis has drained my life force to a dangerous degree.
A shaman suggested when the dread hits to ask "how old are you?" That has been life-changing. And to then simply hold space for that inner child of any age, young or older, listen if there are words, encompass with compassion whether there are words or not, don't try to fix or change, just be there, hold space, and be gentle bc that's what we didn't have when those feelings were created. I'm teary just thinking about how grateful I am to have asked the shaman and how much her words have helped in the months since during the daily dread of decades that is slowly diminishing to sometimes only a few days a week. I do hope her words can help someone else here, too. Love to you. ❤️
@@GalvMermaid50 Oh, dear, I'm with you, too! Probably it is not your sin or mine. It is the sin of our tribe we have to cope with. And that is a truth the bible (and other holy books maybe too) adresses, because it is a truth that the sin of our mothers and fathers, grandparents = the tribe can lie heavy on us as children. I only found out about it, when I realised that I compromise the feelings of my own child because of CPTSD and I was supposed to NOT pass it down to the next generation. I'm not sure, that I succeeded fully, but at least I tried. I took responsibility and set boundaries for the sake of my child. Hope we all get stronger, day by day, hope YOU do. Let's build a new tribe that is supportive and friendly and shows us in words and action, that we are NOT alone. Where there are two or three together in my name... LOVE, C.
the weird thing is.. when i'm around someone that i love i often fear getting abandoned. but when i'm alone i just do my thing and i often feel much better than i did with them?? the fear is the worst part. also my entire family betrayed me so.. i know i can survive on my own. i wish i was alone in the wilderness forever tbh. i dont like people at all.
100% me.
Yep. I could do this.
I feel exactly the same.
So then if we find another that had the same issues and can relate..
And understand..
Then is it possible to have a relationship with them and try to heal together or us that just more form of unhealthy co deoendancy?
@@drearypoet5603 That's what I've been thinking about lately
IDK IDO you sound like me... when your own family abandons you there is nothing worse. I prefer animals to people.
Your childhood was extremely difficult from this story. How utterly horrible. You are such a beautiful flower to emerge from that. God bless.
Thank you for that -- for hearing it.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes you are. It's hard to see past my own stuff but I hear you too. Now you are helping all of us. I appreciate you and all that you do here.
Thank u
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Your amazing how clear but kind you are in helping folks see destructive patterns .
The man I love ghosted me recently. The panic and agony are extreme.
That is terrible pain which triggers more terrible pain. I'm glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow. When you said that rejection felt like a toxic chemical pulsing through your veins....that is ME. Exactly me. I have a lot of work to do.
Thanks for sharing!!
This is probably one of my biggest triggers. I'm so afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and driving people away. I'm terrified that once people see the real me they will reject and abandon me. Those fears have been reinforced over the years by friend after friend disappearing from life. Either just no longer being there even when I beg, drifting away in general cause we grew apart or explosive arguments and hate where there used to be love. This fear is making me terrified of myself because I know my unstable behavior undermines my friendships and the closer I get to people the more explosive the fallout can become. Having my closet friend go from caring about me and going out of her way to express how much our friendship meant, to three weeks later cutting me out of her life and returning letters in the mail, it has triggered an intensity of pain and disregulation that nothing else ever has. My whole system is still in shock close to a year later. How do you trust yourself and those close to again after such rejection from someone you never saw it coming with?
I can totally relate... I don't see how to move forward.
I can relate to this a lot
😢
I've been through this for the past 3 years. It's going to take time. Please look up TRE. Tension and trauma releasing exercises. I know it's a struggle on your own. I pray God brings you little angels throughout your journey. Just take it a day even an hour at a time. I know u feel shattered. But you aren't. You're expanding your capacity to hold for others. And you're rising in your power. God bless you.
I have done this so many times. I have no true friends. Thank God my sister,who went through it gets me and my cousins understand and stick with me.
I hate being around people.
Today, when I saw a picture of my ex out with some college friends. I had a panic attack just from a picture. Now that I think rationally about it I am glad he is out overcoming his social anxiety. In that moment all I felt was "he’s giving his love to others in a way he was never able to give it to me" and "him giving others the love I never got, makes me feel so much less". It’s just scary what scripts are activated. But I’m glad I don’t go into complete shock for days anymore.
Progress!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My parents argued from 4, divorced at 6, mum left at 6, emotionally abused by my caregivers, dad left at 8 and committed suicide at 10, mum came back married to someone new who used to abuse me. The older I get the worse it is. I wish I got help all those years ago
I'm so sorry @A AM. This is some really hardship and I wish you the best. I hope you'll stick around my channel, and in particular, try my free Daily Practice course. It can help! courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
Crappy Childhood Fairy Thank you, I don’t think I’ve had a moments silence in my head all my life, or felt truly connected to anything either (even though I really want to be), it’s like I don’t actually exist. I’m working my way through your videos and they are helping. I will look into the daily practise. Thanks again x
Adoptee here!! Being relinquished by your mother....even to super nice people...creates a huge abandonment wound.
This really resonated....thank you. I have this fear of abandonment as part of my Cptsd/anxiety disorder package. I have a very small number of people I trust but I get triggered when there’s any kind of sense of distancing. I don’t trust that the distance is just little or temporary or not really a thing. Part of my fear is feeling like I can’t make it as a grownup....that somehow if someone isn’t there to be like a ‘backup adult’ I’ll just wig out and wind up homeless, crazy and totally non functional. I normally am hyper-responsible, it’s just that in the back of my mind, it’s like, if someone isn’t there to have my back, I’m going to spiral into nothingness. It feels like driving fast on an icy highway with no brakes and I hate it. EMDR has helped with the traumas but these triggers are still there.
There is a course to deal with the fears that overwhelm us. Knowing they are not rational does not help much but this does bit.ly/3608opl
I feel the same
The tribe had abandoned me decades ago. I believe a lot of people misunderstand my standoffishness as narcissistic but, little do people know that I have a avoidant personality due to my past. As much as I long for a "soul mate" or a twin flame in my life, I have to concede that I'll more than likely live the rest of my life in loneliness.
That's one potential outcome.
I've been thinking the same for years about myself. It is good knowing I'm not alone in this.
@@whitelinentrousers ❤
So sad for you Daniel
You have found your tribe Daniel. Welcome!💕💕
I’m amazed of all the patterns I see in my life listening to this. Procrastination and hurrying cycles. Constant fear of abandonment. I’m coming out of depression, this gives me new tools to live!
Amazing! Glad you're here.
-Calista@TeamFairy
My mother, who I am estranged from, died Saturday night. I needed to hear this. Thank you for all you do!
Very sorry for your loss! Glad you are here.
I know what you feel, my mum died as well.
Im sorry Julie
@Gypsy Julie: mine died in March 2020. We were estranged pretty much our entire lives. I tried to approach her with questions, hoping for an apology of some sort. I was put in my place
when she said,” I’ve gotten over it a long time ago. Don’t bother me with this nonsense. Get a shrink.”
I will tell you that it’s a VERY hard journey. It’s been 9 months since her passing, and emotions go up and down. Because we were estranged, and people knew it, I got no support, in fact some people congratulated me...(?!?!?) . I’m walking a very hard path. Don’t be surprised if you get disregulated and need time to work it out. There is no closure.... very hard.
Best of luck 😘
My deepest condolences to you. Know you are being supported by this community.
I’ve not long been diagnosed with this and after some research have realised I’ve been suffering this for years due to abuse in family home and then of course relationships afterwards. Being a workaholic for years and a people pleaser put me at breaking point, I was diagnosed and signed off work. I start my ‘recovery’ tomorrow, a ten week programme. Loneliness has been the worst for me, and for years. I’m more accustomed to it as I age but as a result I’m now a hermit. Emotional flashbacks are something I am prone to and seem to be triggered quickly and I can blow up. My temper has been a problem for me and I’ve had a few brushes with the law. I’m not a bad person. I just can’t regulate my emotions when triggered. I’m so caught up in outrage I loose control for a few moments. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want my scars to be seen by others and I’ve seen some people’s eyes when they see me angry, like they see past it. That hurts more than anything. Because all you want to do is feel someone cares and knows your pain. Understands why you are the way you are. And it’s complex alright. I’m a friendly outgoing person. So when I snap it shocks people and I feel embarrassed. I’ve been sexually, physically and mentally abused. After that trail of destruction came more over the years from bad choices in men. I need to really fave up to my demons and put my past behind me, I don’t want to be in this same pain in years to come
suzie mckenzie I’m the same diagnosed at 49 after 2 abusive relationships and sexual assault in my late teens and then again by a family member and parents who bullied & shamed me growing up ... a narcissist mother and my father who enables her and dishes out his own share of abuse when questioned or stood up to ..... I literally feel so alone at the moment I have some good safe friends now but it is so painful to be ganged you on and dismissed by your family .... they have also managed to manipulate my son to also get on board I’m devastated
I’m less a person in my families eyes than who I actually am. Even after my mum’s death my sister still reinforces my mum’s agenda which was basically a pecking order with my sister stood at front of line. After being diagnosed I now see that if I don’t break the cycle of abuse my mum trained her children to adhere to I will not live a satisfying life, I will end up sectioned or suicidal. It’s sad when it’s our own families that are the insidious energy behind our ache and pains. Thank the lord for my daughter who is my saving grace, my drive, my everything ❤️
You will overcome this anger because you already have an awareness which so many people don't
Same here. I am physically exhausted from the trigggers.
I am learning constructive healing methods.
@@suziemckenzie1649 Our beautiful daughters are a gift to us. Even in those "moments," we can learn from them and break the cycle. They are the future and are paying attention to how we handle our precious lives. God bless and keep you through this new era of growth and enlightenment!
I could totally relate to the feelings of dread. I literally felt I was going to die! Very scary.
I always thought that all children were treated like I was until I got into intense therapy & learned that I had an exceptionally abusive crew of caregivers in my life. So, when I married a somewhat less abusive man, I thought this was love. I still don't think I will ever be able to say that I love anyone again. I love life. People, for me, are just a form or annoyance most of the time. At 67 years of age, I know that my abusers did not mean to mess with my head. They did what they were taught to do. I tried not to repeat this abuse with my child. I was not a perfect parent, but I know I wasn't the same as my own were to me. My abusers made me a strong survivor & a weak link in my chain. The family bloodline will not be carried on. My one child will not be having children of her own. I'm fine with knowing I won't have to worry about seeing them abused by the world of sick people we have in America today.
very sad :-( .
@@fox39forever -Why do you think that having a firm grasp on my own life is "sad"?
@@sherrydee7880, no, I think it's good that you have a firm grasp and I think that you've done well and have, obviously, been a good parent. My reaction was to the sad situations that you have had to combat and I think that it's sad that you're glad that your child will not reproduce, in that you "won't have to worry about seeing them abused by the world of sick people... in America...". I'm sure many would agree that that's sad and I say that with huge respect, because I do understand and, to repeat, I think you've done well.
@@fox39forever Wow! If breeding is all you are sad about, that's a win in itself (to me)! In spite of my mistakes as a parent, the kid did grow up to become a 1st Responder. So, what you may see as a "loss" for me, is a "win" for the rest of society. Everything happens for a reason. Color me proud. The kid found a bigger and stronger family to connect with.
@@sherrydee7880, I'm on your side. Your negative response really is sad. I never used the word "loss" and said you've done well, but you did talk about children possibly being "abused by the world of sick people... in America". If you want to take a hostile meaning from what was a friendly and supportive message from me, then that's a matter for you. I wish you well, in any case.
I was severely triggered by having to put a much loved cat down this week. The emotions were so overwhelming and I am doing my best to show myself love and compassion.
Sorry for your loss!
Sharon R the same happened to me in November with my dog ... I wish you lots of strength
So sorry. It's so hard sometimes, thinking of you and sending a hug
Know that You Are Loved. When you gave all that love to your friend you were loving All cats, and yourself. They know this! You Are So loved by the Universe. And thank you for sharing when I know it hurts so much.
This is complicated by my ADHD. My impulsiveness makes me so much more sensitive to the vibes people put off and how they react when I screw up, and I panic easily. My entire life I've been trying to match the abilities and behaviors of neurotypicals, especially the expectations of my folks (no surprise there), and every failure is just more heartbreak
ADHD may complicate some things but the Daily Practice - which has fostered so much healing in me and others- can absolutely be done despite having ADHD. Here is a link bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
My mother who passed away 2 years ago from cancer emotionally abandoned me growing up. That is she was very emotionally closed off. This has affected me all the way into my adulthood.
So glad you found us!
My mom passed away in 2012 and yet she's not gone. Because how I view myself was shaped by how she treated me. I'm an adult now but I have no idea how to adult. Convinced my husband will leave me, convinced I can't make friends, convinced I'll be fired or unsuccessful with anything I do. Convinced if someone doesn't text me back they hate me...yadda yadda.
My Father was abandoned by both parents at 3. He gave me a dose of that fear when I was a kid. Some gift. I experienced a strong dose of emotional flashback about a year ago. Our church headquarters decided to implement a "lock the door 5 minutes after the start of services" security policy. My wife is disabled and has a hard time getting around. One day we were locked out of church. I was livid, humiliated and felt abandoned. I was dysregulated and felt all the sensations. My wife has seen this before, but this happened long before I learned about CPTSD. We ended up taking a long drive, during which I expressed my emotions. Christ said he would never abandon his people. It's time they learned how to not abandon their own "brethren" as well. Maybe this can start with people like me being healed. Than you Anna and Cara.
I TOTALLY relate to that feeling of rejection and how personal it can feel. Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That's awful I'm sorry it happened thanks for telling us about it
You are such an amazing and warm person! I feel nutured just watching you and seeing that you overcame all that gives me the courage to work on myself. Thank you!
Thank you!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You just got yourself a new fan out of this story. It helps me understand what my wife has been going through and our issues.
I’m so happy I found your channel as I’ve have struggled with my fear of abandonment in relationships for a long time… here’s to healing 💛
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My abandonment trauma was triggered by a new friendship with a coworker when she took a job with another team. The feeling of overwhelming danger, fear, and sadness seemed to come out of nowhere and has been triggered many times since then, mostly by lying thoughts in my head. It never bothered me as a young person, probably because I didn't allow myself to develop close emotional bonds. Is there some correlation between the onset of trauma triggers and aging?
Been there it sucks
Thank you for this video. It’s so validating. I feel so abnormal because everyone around me has amazing relationships meanwhile I make everyone leave me :(
The same thing happens to me. I scare people from my disregulation and magical thinking and being too open and trusting/ needy. I. Working on it.
Great video and usual. We are so fearful of abandonment that we put up with toxic people when we shouldn't. We don't trust ourselves. We second guess ourselves when we should simply trust that gut instinct.
Honestly @Brendon, my gut instinct isn't always that reliable! Personally I like to have a few principles I know to be true, and check my gut instinct against them.
@Debbie We can't complain if we don't go out and make the effort to meet new people. We have only ourselves to blame if we hang out with toxic people. Sometimes it's hard to accept that we don't like to get outside our comfort zone......but it has to be done or we just wither and die
I learned that putting up with toxic people was abandoning myself. I am learning to stop that finally.
Thank you for opening up for us... I think, many of us who experienced such or similar abandonment as kids, instantly felt that sting inside listening to your story. Interesting, how even years past and many of us healed or are in a process of healing, but you still remember so clearly that feeling of blunt realization that those who had to love and protect you, just didn't... And truly, it's a huge trigger later in life...
It is a trigger but it is also recoverable! So glad to be able to share that with others!
Having so little expectation seems to work for me.
I was just abandoned by my ex who ghosted me after a long distance argument. She did this to me when we were young and I think she represents my narc father figure rejection. I felt internally 'shattered' like my body was splitting into pieces, tense, in a constant state of panic, shallow breathing. Its been horrible. Meanwhile I haven't even seen this person in over 20 years so my feelings were completely irrational. I am recovering one day at a time literally.
I had the same dam experience that took me over ten years to heal from. It's in your head like it happened yesterday. Friggin crazy ain't it . I thought I was insane. Listening to Anna has really helped in the journey of recovery. And that's what it is
I believe that's why my love language is TIME. because if someone is physically with me and not present or grounded with me , I feel really anxious and abandoned. There's totally no point in even being around this person. I have been so invalidated by my mum and sister , even to this day . I guess all these feelings are connected .
I only feel pleased or happy about the time spent with someone if the energy is equally back and forth and there's lots of eye contact and presentness
Your video just made me realize that my parents often don't want to talk to me or sort things out when I was a child. For me that was so important and I often ran downstairs trying to talk to them to tell them how things were for me etc. I just realized that I have the same thing going on in my relationship...when my partner doesn't wanna talk to me right away to sort things out about what happened this abandonment trigger cones up...I often get mean then...it am just angry...it shuts me down and makes me feel helpless...I will tell my partner about ky trigger...thank you so much for making me realize this...
I had my first anxiety attack due to my best friend saying “I won’t ever leave you” and it made me feel good and then I got several memories at the same time and was crying and shaking and my heart was shaking I was able to suppress it enough to get another one of my friends to calm me down. I love my best friend and I’m glad she’s in my life and I don’t know what would happen without her
Wow, powerful response. Do you think there was an old trauma that got touched off when your friend promised not to leave?
Everyone leaves
I will hang onto freindships that are clearly dysfunctional . Only , ultimately abandoned .
However , thank God I have many great , supportive freinds who are there for me regardless . Love me unconditionally .
For me , its see the signs that soneone is unavalible and don’t get involved .
Thanks for sharing, great insight! -Calista@TeamFairy
Yes I do know abandonment. Been there and still panic until I catch myself.
Good for you for having that awareness!
I was adopted so abandonment is a real thing. I counted once, how often I have been abandoned in my life. At birth, at 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months. At 15, 22, 40, and 64. But I still want to know how to properly connect and be loved.
My neighbor moved out and left no forwarding; changed their number. We didn't talk that much but shared some hobbies etc. I felt better just having him there. I feel so frightened.
Aw, sorry. That makes sense. I hope you find a friend who makes things feel safer again.
It broke my heart hearing about your childhood and the things you went through because of your mom. I just wanted to come through the screen and give you a huge hug (I hope that's not too weird :). I'm so sorry that you went through that, and it's so impressive that you've healed and are now helping others to heal.
I figured out my abandonment was the trigger for two recent huge issues with friends. One stopped talking to me altogether and the other pulled away drastically because I responded so badly. Now I know why and now I know what to do.
I felt abandoned by my therapist. I tried to address it. I heard him say "it's okay, it's serving the therapy". I was still triggered by the abandonment I felt. I tried to address it again. Got dysregulated. He said that I was the one abandoning him.
Now I'm freaking out cause I'm honestly not so sure what's happening.
That does sound weird. Perhaps he doesn't know about dysregulation?
Thanks for the let down Mom, really hits home or a should I say a lack thereof. Good luck to all of you on your journey to healing and closure.
You can be in the dominant role for the first time by forgiving her. (It's for YOU, not her.) You don't have to forgive her in person. Just in your mind. She wouldn't get it.
I can relate to what it feels being (both emotionally and occasionally physically) abandoned by an important caregiver at an early age, what it feels like when you have inmet needs from your mother, and how it outplays when it is triggered.
The way I never managed To keep a relationship brought me here. I now realise what had happened To me as a child that I now need to work on healing
Glad you're here!
Nika@TeamFairy
When a bonded parent or caregiver abandons a dependant baby or child and never returns it's as if they had died. Abandoned in a frightening world without the essential bond with a caregiver, babies have been known to cry and scream for days, refuse food and hardly sleep. even bang their heads on their cots. For many children in poor orphanages in the 1950's their screams would lapse into a deep dark silence and helpless lethargy. It happened to me at the age of 18 months in the period of every child's separation anxiety. In the 1950's most of us were orphans cared for in harsh children's homes, adopted out or left to come of age to be released from care. And 70 years later I still have flashbacks of that early abandonment. For most of my life pathological depression increased rejections in my relationships because of the fear of loss. It was easier to reject others than to be rejected myself. It was a deep mourning. So, I know what John Bowlby is talking about in his book series on loss and abandonment, particularly Vol. 3 Attachment and Loss, relating to sadness and depression. Growing out of this agony wasn't easy because of later childhood abuse, a violent adoptive father and a violent husband. Now here's the thing. We can climb out of traumas like this, even if it takes a lifetime, knowing that God loves us enough to take charge of and heal us if we ask to be adopted into His care later in life. By way of baptism I was saved from ending my life or being killed by a violent husband because I had the strength to quit these dysfunctional relationships. Yeshua (Jesus) provides a way to rise above it all and take charge of our lives and our safety, anf I will always give credit to every enlightened soul who has experienced this pain and succeeded to overcome it, helping to pull others out of suffering and bring this truth and message of hope to every lost and abandoned child. I'm planning to write my life story. If you are planning your li I recommend Kate Nicholas' Soul Scribe (sold on Eden books websihht). 🌹😊✝️
:)
Dad sent to prison when I was 7, mum died when I was 10, older brother died when I was 15! I don't wonder why I'm such a mess, I wonder why I'm still here.
I’m speechless. Your’re story, is, well....my story. I particularly respect your knowledge, communication skills, and empathy. You have given me such hope. Thank you for offering your assistance in an accessible and meaningful way. You’re awesome Crappy Childhood Lady! (Now I just have to find a way past the many years I spent seeing about 9 plus therapists) I’m 57..but I keep getting better and better.
My father died an unnatural death when I was 35. I thought my PTSD was triggered by that but after watching this video and several others, I have a feeling the trauma started much earlier in life and is getting harder to manage as I get older. Thank you for sharing your story, Anna, and for all your helpful videos. It helps knowing we're not alone. ❤
Yes, it does!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That was so spot on. That feeling is so intense it makes me so sick to my stomach. I know when it started when I was a child. I know why it happens as an adult now. I am working on getting better, but it still happens.
Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow, it's amazing this is the first time I've ever heard anyone talk about anything physical and REAL that most people would just call 'emotion' ... and would never describe, explain, or bother to try to understand! SO appreciated! It's just sad that this thing that should be normal isn't! Why doesn't anybody else do this? Why have I waited so long to hear this? I also LOVE that it was not just described in words but with a very simple gesture -- that made it so real, showed the feeling moving through the body .... It's not that I've ever had this particular feeling myself, but I have had other feelings and it's at best an ex-treme rarity for anyone to care or just be able to listen!
This one is the huge one for me.
This information is a paradigm shift that offers me hope and encouragement.
Hmm, abandonment... Nothing major severe happened to me as a child , I was left what seemed hours waiting for my mother to cross a road , she'd forgotten me, also apparently left in my Pram outside a shop ( in the early 60's) . I've never felt really loved by either of my parem sc, they seemed cold and unemotional. Both didn't show respect or love all my life , no praise, no respect, no backing , no warmth, no encouragement . Stability I guess Wasn't an issue... Crying wasn't really allowed and fear took a hold because of lack of empathy. I've carried fear issues all my life and I definitely feel abandoned by those close to me, or, that I get close to . Even my husband abandoned me through accidental death while I was carrying our son ... An accident that didn't need to happen felt abandoning. My father couldn't even hug me that day !
Holy crap!!!! This is me right now!!!!
Thank you!
Thank you for the validation. I have lived with this for decades now. Culmunated two years sgo throwing myself at a best friend who ghosted me. Then died. But oh. I am so embarrassed I threw myself at the one person i thought who i had mutual love with. Left. Overnight. Then he died a year later. Oh a long story but it mskes sense in terms of someone who raised herself, had noone, Didnot think i deserved love, then fell in love and got cancer. My family of origin did what they always did, ignored my needs and left me alone. Have talked to me since treatment five years ago. But i had dony. Then he left too. And always. I clung to everyone. Now i dont care and will never have an ounce of faith or expectation jn people coming through.
I'm almost sure I posted the link for you this past week but just in case: crappychildhoodfairy.com/
There are some more resources there and I'd recommend starting with Daily Practice course (free) if you want to break out of the isolation. Glad you're here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I will sign up this week. Looking forward to it and thankful to you from bottom of my ♥️
I have never heard it described before as you have but it felt exactly like an injection of poison slowly (or not) leading straight to the core! I had always blamed myself for being some kind of weirdo. Thanks Anna. Wish I had found you sooner, ♡.
Glad you are here now!
Knowing that the way I am and what I'm feeling is normal makes me feel more safe and like everything is going to be ok. Thank you. ❤️
That is the best thing that has come from all this. It's benefitted me too to hear from people like you -- really made it clear this is a "thing" and not just my personal experience.
My fear comes from my father passing away when I was 13 and my mother never being available to talk. A specific memory that's burned into my brain is after he passed away I knocked on her bedroom door and her usual "what do you want now?!" replied. That one always stuck with me because of all the times to finally be there for me this was the one to be. I felt so lonely and I no longer could call him after she would abuse me for reassurance or comfort.
Got dumped by a 4 year relationship only found out about 4 months ago what I had and now I finally need to face the demons that’s have been hiding within me and eating me up and it’s this it’s so hard and I feel like I’m dying but I know I need to acknowledge it and learn how to fight it.
You can do it!
I am.
For me, ‘feeling abandoned’ is multi-dimensional.
Physical? Absolutely.
Emotional? Absolutely.
Psychological? Absolutely.
All very hard.
Perhaps the hardest is the betrayal:
Beginning in a specific manner, having a fairly specific experience of the world, and et cetera, and all of that being simply shut down early.
There’s a line of demarcation between the middle of fifth grade and sixth grade.
Like an earthquake in my development.
Once, as an adult not too long ago, I said to the ‘parent’, ‘This isn’t even who I am ...’
Her response: ‘I know.’
It’s that profound rupture that’s most difficult: My whole experience past age twelve is radically off, and I cannot retrieve a thing.
It’s like, ‘Wow. What in the fuck ...’
Damn the audio quality on this is damn good. Best audio quality I’ve heard on a video. Just had to mention that
I agree
Such a confusing complex issue - and there you go putting it in words in such a short explanation .. this already gives a bit more clarity ... you are a magical fairy for many around the globe 🌟
In 12 Step programs, part of the healing comes from reading aloud the inventory, (resentments,) to a trusted person. But writing it it all down and getting it all out definitely helps. Thanking you for your marvelous videos!
Yes, drawing from the 12-step approach (from which this practice is derived) we call the reading part (5th step) "the buddy system." People in my courses connect with a buddy. So far it's working pretty well!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for all the time and effort you put into creating your video sessions. Your channel just came to me and I am indeed grateful. Please- keep coming back, it works ;-)
Now I know why you are so insightful.. you had quite a childhood as well. For me, abandonment wounds are the very worst. I still have scars from that and unfortunately never found a partner to show me that that would change. I have however stopped abandonnng my own inner child and that is precious indeed. Thanks so much for your priceless videos! God bless!
Thank you!
I literally needed to hear this today!
Yes, I know that toxic chemical feeling.
Me too :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
My fear got triggered numerously the past three days, and it all came down to the "realization" that I am not most important to the people who are most important to me, even if this realization wasn't truly backed up by any arguments, but as we know, there is no logic to trauma. I started to dread the fact that I'd be left behind again, just as always, right as I found myself caring and being comfortable
My heart breaks for that precious little girl you were, Anna. Your strength and bravery are so inspiring. Thank you for giving so much to us. You are priceless 💖
each word you said has this big loving impact on me in depth words cannot describe. thank you!
Wow, I'm so happy to hear that! Thank you for taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Anna Runkle - you are an angel sent by God. I SO needed this today as a confirmation that I'm on the right path about my own feeling of abandonment. I will look for your course and daily practice ❤
I teared up listening to this……thank you so much for sharing 😊
Glad you enjoyed it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Hi David , you have a sweet spirit. Kindness in ppl are hard to find. Those who bully are to be pitied for hurting others is how they deal with their own poor self esteem. That doesn't let them off the hook, but the one bullied needs off the hook of victims mentality. As a Christian later in life, I had forgiveness to give others. Forgiveness is so practical bc of how it frees you from the past abuse. It does take asking God to forgive you for holding grudges or even hate.
You think you can just forget abuse, but until bring it to God, the memories will still hurt. God knows it is easier to hold on to anger and it will take the help of God bc it does effect us spiritually.
May the blessing of God and His heart peace overflow in your life.
Thank you Anna, for your hard work and putting out these videos, having experienced severe abuse/ neglect in my early childhood and witnessing the abuse done to my younger sister, (Due to our biological parents systematically abusing drugs and alcohol). When my biological parents were present, the good times were very rare, this was when the severe abuse would occur, and the large majority of the rest of the time, my biological parents were usually incapacitated or unconscious due to their substance-abuse fueled binges consequently one or even both parents were absent from the house for days at a time. So as a 4/5 year old I learned that I needed to take care of my younger sister the best way I that I could like getting food out of the cabinets to feed her that is if there was any food in the house to begin with. eventually being removed by the state and placed in a foster home, and then later to be adopted, we came into this world knowing only chaos. That was the norm for us. The people who adopted us were by no means perfect, they did provide, and at least there was a measure of love in the household. Before I even learned of the coined term to frame fear of abandonment, it was a severe reality that encompassed my entire life and even followed me well into adulthood. I remember a time when my mom wanted to shut my bedroom door as a young child and how that terrified me (referencing my adoptive mom and dad) and how I would just start crying. As a very young child, I was convinced that space aliens were going to come down and tie chains around my small bedroom and take me as well as my small bedroom out into space and leave me in a desolate area. I know that sounds so silly, yet that fear of abandonment I experienced to such a degree that I honestly believe it got imprinted on my DNA. And that if abandonment really did occur to me Again, it would annihilate me and I would go off to the great big oblivion.
Occasionally the YT algorithm does good stuff, like offering this. Your honesty is very much appreciated; I think it’s awesome. So much of what you say is relatable, and pertinent to me. Thank you
I appreciate that!
Thank you for being a safe human
I lost my job in a reorg when my position was eliminated. The feelings of being unwanted and discarded have been extremely difficult to process and deal with. A few years have passed since then and the feelings of abandonment are still raw, and I harbor a lot of resentment toward the people who were working against me and pushed me out. I hope to make peace with it because I know it isn’t healthy or helpful.
This can help bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Amanda I’m sorry to hear that. I wish you well!
Wow Anna,
I feel for you. Thanks for sharing.
Love you.
Thanks for your loving words!
That’s such a powerful topic. I’m so sorry to hear how your mother neglected you, Anna. But so happy to hear how you’ve learned to overcome it and are now teaching us. I had a friend break off our friendship earlier this week and it utterly gutted me. But I realized that, although painful, it was something that was most likely even more painful because of my fear of abandonment. Somehow just knowing that I’d be more prone to dis regulation helped me cry it out and then do good things for myself like reach out to other friends and workout. It’s never easy being abandoned or rejected by people but we can find peace and move forward. Thanks for all that you do. ❤️
Thanks once again @Brianna. I normally don't talk so much about past trauma of my own; when I do, I notice a big wave of negativity in the comments section. I think it's a microcosm of how trauma works as a whole. Sometimes it must be mentioned as a frame of reference. But it's the healing and the striving for a good life that are most uplifting to all of us!
I just found your videos tonight. I have watched 6 so far & sobbed through the first 3. WOW!! Going through a break up w a “Marco”only he is from Scotland! He is not as bad as “Marco” & I am not as bad as the woman who wrote the letter in the first video I watched. But I definitely feel broken & wounded beyond repair bc both of my parent’s are very ill triggering my childhood abandonment issues as I go through my chiron return during quarantine. I will def be watching the rest of your videos & courses. THANK YOU!
Thank you for your honest and painful sharing. You are helping so many wounded people.
Thank you, miss Anna. You have such a kind loving heart
😊 thank you
you do good work!
I recently quit my dream job because I felt abandoned by higher management. I had the tools and skills to do the job, to work through the crisis, like I had done before. However, in prior crises, I felt like I had the complete trust and backing of the people near and above me. This time I felt like I didn't and instead of sticking it out, I quit, I ran away. I folded up and gave up.
I felt everything you described in this video. The fear of being left all alone, with no support, no help, no friends or allies.
Another issue is that I had a motorcycle accident that put me in the hospital/bed rest. This caused a lot of my CPTSD to re-emerge, specifically not feeling physically safe or "good enough". I've had relationships disintegrate when I got injured and unable to provide, so my response is to protect and isolate myself, since I don't trust others to stand by me or protect me when I'm weakened. It hurts less to push them away than to let them push me away.
Thank you for your videos. If I'd been able to recognize my symptoms in the moment, I might have been able to buy enough time to control them, and keep my job.
I guess I'll have to do better next time.
Thank you so much for sharing
your truth. It shook me to the core.
I can definitely identify. My birth Mom would just leave without warning for days or a week at a time. Shed say don't question me if I asked where she was going or when she would be back. I I was an unloved and unprotected child. Ugh. My CPTSS makes sense now.
Glad you found this channel :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I’m glad I just ran into this. I knew the feeling and where it stems from, but the fact that it’s showing up when I feel ppl don’t show up for me how I show up for them triggers me.
Ma'am, I don't know where you've been all my life or what video I watched that made the RUclips algorithm decide to put you on my dash...but I'm very thankful to have found you.
Welcome! sometimes those algorithms know what they're doing :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
My go-to first aid has always been music and lyrics. Jule Styne sort of got it with "People" from Funny Girl, but the best music I know that applies here is from Stephen Sondheim's Into The Woods, and the song is "No One Is Alone".
Here is a link to just the audio, if you would like the words to speak to you:
ruclips.net/video/5xaxP_kErTU/видео.html
And here is a link to the stage performance, if you wish to see it in the show context:
ruclips.net/video/lDXcGZHBiGo/видео.html
Thank you for this video. I never realized that abandonment has been a big trigger for me since childhood. I finally see it, and also notice a place where I've been feeling it lately, and have been on the verge of writing another friend off forever because of feeling abandoned by her. It's not easy to live with these scars and keep friends. I appreciate your work so much and will be trying the daily practice this week.
Thank you for sharing your experience 🙏
My father worked 80+ hours a week, took work with him on "vacations". My mother would leave for days, weeks and months at a time during my teenage years.
Glad you're here!
Thank you very much sincerely for sharing your technique. I've just barely started trying it and I do believe I see changes already.
Wonderful! Thanks for being here!
Wow. Thanks for your contribution to emotional Healing.
Thank you for watching :)
Abandonment has been a major feature of my life. My mother wanted to end her life when she found out she was pregnant with me (I was the fifth of 7 children). Post-partum, my mother developed a depressive psychosis. She left me to get help in another city. Consequently, I never bonded with her. When she returned, I wanted nothing to do with her, which became a huge threat for her. I became the family scapegoat. Fast forward, my husband left me for another woman after 42 years of marriage and 2 children. The abandonment terror resulted in several years of alcohol abuse which I used to survive. I wanted to die, pure and simple. I am better now; but abandonment almost killed me. God bless all of us who struggle to survive through such trauma❤️
Im dissoiciating so hard after leaving my toxic relationship
You are amazing. Thank you so much for this video!
When my now husband and I had arguments-I always thought "he's going to leave me". Whenever something came up at work, I thought "I'm going to get fired." I catastrophize and push people away. At least if it's only me, there is nobody to hurt but myself.
To be honest, we keep talking about how we used to need each other back in the day. But don't we still? I'm only here thanks to my care givers, and I everything I have is because of other people.
Thaks you very much for your videos. I makes me grow a lot. I do wish your courses for cheaper. I would take them all.
Thank you for watching! If you haven't already, try Anna's free Daily Practice course. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
The physical feeling is unreal. The pain is so intense and deep, it doesn't feel like you can survive. It's heat and tingly and I was having really strong, feelings of love for someone and I just froze one day. I know that it crossed my mind during sex, that losing her would be devastating. Shortly after, my walls went up and I managed to get too busy with other things in my life instead of investigating why that happened. Now I've completely lost the relationship and can't stop blaming myself for hurting her.
I get soo triggered when my bf leaves for work or errands. But now he went on some business trip to San Diego for 6 days and I feel so moody and upset that he left. Not cuz I’m jealous cuz I’m not. And even though I understand it’s a business trip but I feel like I don’t want him to go and just stay with me. I don’t have any family anymore and no friends in this state. I know I’m co dependent on him but he’s my only friend and since my narc mother rejected me in different ways (emotionally, spiritually and physically at times too), I can’t stand my loved ones being far away. Idk how to get over it. Focusing on my hobbies doesn’t help. I tried.
You can work on these triggers, this free course is a great start bit.ly/38JfzK1
-Cara@TeamFairy
More useful than 17 years of therapy.
It is possible to have childhood ptsd with no apparent cause?
I resonate with all the symptoms of early attachment trauma/ptsd and I have been professionally diagnosed with anxiety, depression and ptsd.
I have been anxious and triggered around anything that resembles abandonment since I was little.
But over-all, I come from a loving, stable, two parent home and my parents were in a loving marriage for nearly 50 years.
I can't remember ever being abused, neglected, or anything like that. Little things come up but nothing major that seems out of the norm for a family just trying to make it together over the years.
It makes NO sense. And I feel like having no memory of a trauma but having all the symptoms is really holding me back from fully embracing my diagnosis and moving forward into the steps to heal the trauma.
I don't encourage anyone to embrace a diagnosis... just face the symptoms that are holding you back, and work on calming them! There's no need for a diagnosis to get started.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you for your input, I appreciate it! Do you think the skills you teach will help with anxiety, depression or ptsd whether it is childhood-related or not?
So nice I watched it twice. Thanks Anna
Thank you so much 🙂
-Cara@TeamFairy
At one point, I completely crashed due to abandonment isues. Two phrases that I inwardly repeat as mantras have helped me avoid this from ever happening again. One is the cadence from the movie "Stripes" "It just doesn't matter." The other is "Everything goes away." I know that this may seem simplistic, but it helps me.
Thanks for being here :)
-Cara@TeamFairy