Much like attraction, the balance of power in a relationship is never exactly equal. Whether we like it or not, one person always has more power than an other in a given relationship. It would be irresponsible to claim that this power imbalance neatly follows gendered lines, as it intimately depends on the actual individuals involved. That said, in this episode, I give you three easy ways to make the determination as to who has more power in a relationship. Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ruclips.net/channel/UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #power #relationship #psychology
Hello Psyhacks, can I yes or not, translate one of your videos into arabic (I keep english and subtitles and maybe add some images here and there), can you say yes or no please? I dont want to start the project and be denied after finishing it. I am interested only one ONE video for now, one in particular, not all. Thanks.
He opens with "It's the way it is" If power is the way that it is, then why are relationships failing so miserably? It doesn't make sense. If we follow what this man says to be true, then engage in power, then it's certain our relationship will fail. Why will it fail? According to him: power is just how it is. Know what else "is"? People aren't getting married. Fatherless homes. Over 50% divorce rate. 1 million babies die a year to abortion. And so on. So... if family and relationships are failing because that's just how it currently is, and power is also how it just is... then power is the problem, no? Perhaps if I look to Jesus. His number 2 commandment: Love your neighbor as yourself. If you're exercising power, you're not loving your neighbor. It seems that if we continue to listen to guys like this, then relationships will continue to fail.
Which is where this "hatred" for men with standards come from. passport bros? men vetting women? men saying NO to marriage. all men openly or quietly passing judgement/criticism on women. Which is why they hate them all with shaming language. "how dare you!?"
@@pitpitpit9948 My intended meaning is that in Western culture, it's currently acceptable for women to criticize men in general, but it's not considered acceptable for men to criticize women in general. In other words, men in general are ruled by women in general.
Where there is a power struggle there is zero room for that relationship to grow or flourish, that’s only going to end nasty. When there is no power struggle, you will experience the ease of having a healthy relationship with one another. Like equals respecting each other.
I feel you described influence not power. Power would be the force behind of your influence. Power can be as strong as it wants but if it has no influence it wont make a difference.
Real Power is the degree to which a person has control over their own circumstances. Real Power is the degree to which we control the directions of our lives. -Rollo Tomassi
Love is often misconstrued in our culture. If by "love" you mean infatuation and attachment, then yes your statement is one aspect of the situation (there are more components). But a more fair, or perhaps I should just say different, definition of love is the capacity to care, empathize, hold space, and generally be supportive to another; that is a tremendous capacity which absolutely increases a person's power. The person which has it hopefully is aware of the tremendous gift it is and doesn't devalue it in their own eyes, and thus honors their own value and the value of their time, energy and attention. Two different definitions of love. The word love has become very ambiguous. Let's not lose sight of our goodness, especially when discussing transaction based concepts, the goodness is in us always, I see this transaction based talk as a way of being more aware of what transactions are happening as a method to be able to better act due to better information; not as a way of loving less, but rather as a way for allowing love to further thrive due to increased awareness and understanding.
You can love the most, but still be completely unattached. These men can not "love" these women, but sure as shit are attached to them and slaves to their lust.
My ex wife told me she wanted an open marriage. (She showed signs of mental illness) . I said, " NOPE" you're getting a divorce . She's now divorced from her 3rd husband. I was #1.
@The Mick no offense, but did you not see the warning signs before you got married? I'm always perplexed by this because people with personality disorders, mental illness, or trauma can't really hide it for long.
It depends. I issued ultimatums, I walked away, yet I believe I suffered more, at least on a short term. Sometimes the one which is more visible and with more options is the one which cares more in a relationship. Who cares about who has the power, as long as you deal with pain anyway?
@@Lilith-9223 I think he meant that the one with the power can walk away without feeling like they lost anything. Anyone can walk away but was walking away the pragmatic decision or was it just out of ego. In the former, you have the power. In the latter, you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.
That's correct. And most of the time the one who got left behind didn't realize the power structure until they look around and they're alone. A lot of people keep the toxicity and drama going without any intent to change because they believe that they are their partner's best or only option.
Ah yes, because your cat decided whether to have its sexual function destroyed... I know people like to say the "pets are really the owners" thing as a joke, but it always makes me a little bit melancholy to think about what it would be like to be in their place... I like my pets a lot, but they are just animals, and ultimately we are the ones who hold ultimate power over their lives and deaths.
his notions of power are totally wrong, the one doing the most is the most powerful cause if it stops the whole thing comes down, its the ones standing still the least powerful cause they are 100% dependable of others and often cant do anything on their own, if by any instance they fail to achieve a plan that convinces those moving, its dropped right there and then, thus rich people are dime a dozen, they come and go each decade as they spend their money which never last forever while professionalism last forever, cant be taken and always worth more with time. he's confusing money with real power, like portrayed in the tv series house of cards: money is a brand new mansion that start decaying after 10 years, power is a stone building that last for centuries, frankly is difficult to respect anyone who does not know the difference. for last and not the least, dr Obrien here is what is known in anthropologic terms a beta male, low energy, in fight or flight situations he will choose flight, the way he express his aggression, posture, mindset is different than a alpha or sigma male thus all rules which he bases all his life are different. to say beta males have the right posture and attitude to face the changing world and its challenges is ridiculous, in nature the beta male is active part of the system but not as leader of anything, having beta males at the fore front put at risk the whole system, thus any comment, point, notion, idea, should never be taken as valid ever. just think for a moment, where before only alpha and sigma males were able to become doctors, in their attitude and confidence, anyone could go to a medical doctor and have him reach diagnose that he will prove with an exam, we have now insecure, apathic beta males that will rim a person with exams in hope of getting a diagnose. this is the same situation here, we have a person doing things that should not but since people legally no longer give him a reality check even if mean give him a few slaps(the natural challege who's who) which gives him a false notion of his abilities and what is valid or not cause he can do it so without being challeged which does not happen in nature, in nature any beta male, juvenile acting out of his natural mindset and position in the group is promptly tested. people should still be able to say what ever they want but people should know or be aware who is telling(like having glasses) if a Alpha, Sigma, etc. instead of academic titles in their id card, they should have their anthropologic classification which says way more of a person than any title can. in this case would be Beta(maybe even omega) Cis Male Dr Obrien
My (ex)wife issued an ultimatum. (She must have felt she had the power.) I refused her ultimatum. She doubled down. I filed for divorce the next day. oh well
My friend’s (ex)wife used divorce as a chess piece whenever she wanted to gain upper hand. She did serve my friend one day after a particularly argument. My friend thought about it after retaining a legal counsel. He agreed to divorce. She was dumbfounded but she couldn’t undo it unless my friend agreed not to proceed. Now she uses the two children as chess pieces to drive a wedge between them and him and his family.
When I did that she tried to sleep with me and beg me to come back. I asked her about that years later and she said she wanted a back bone and I finally got one. I explained y ou should have told me this before I left as it was too late at that point.
@@33Jenesis These things have consequences. I let me ex-wife know this that when I said I was leaving I WAS leaving as I do not believe you play games like this with a spouse or an employer or anyone. Once I made the decision that is it and it is never a 1 time thing but a straw that broke the camels back moment. I hope she learned
I will also add 3 more points based on my experience: 1. Who is testing more? 2. Who is seeking less or no validation? 3. Who is not ready to change for the other?
@@neptunes297you can always walk away from people like this to find someone that aligns with your values. But lots of these people exist. Usually immature and emotionally wrecked people.
In a marriage, who generally moans/complains, threatens divorce, and has the better IG. In nearly all marriages its the wives who have the power. They can go to divorce court and take a husband's money, house and kids. Marriage is one of the quickest ways a man can neuter himself. You're giving your wife a shotgun to use against you at any time in the next 50 years.
Glad I got milk for free without buying the cow in my last relationship hoping for more of the same for the next 10 years until I’m ready to settle down
@@lilbroomstick7914 Guys once the decide to settle down after having their fun are even easier to be take advantage of imo because then you are less likely/willing to walk away if the wife doesnt behave than before when you werent ready to 'settle down'. The mindset of 'settling down' is weakness, you should always be ready to grow and take risks, thats what makes a MAN
@@keith5517 it's not a belief. the law actually is incredibly pro wife and pro mother in most states. So much so that many women talk about "starter husbands" and "marry the first time for money" sort of thinking.
Ultimatums may come from a position of power but not always. Sometimes it the 'less powerful' person calls their bluff, and this can suddenly send the so-called 'more powerful' person into a full blown panic. My ex was totally blindsided by me in this regard and begged me to stay. Sometimes we overestimate how much power another has over us, and vice versa.
Ultimatums are equivalent to setting boundaries. If you set a boundary, like no clubs, and the other person walks all over it without consequences you know you have no power.
@@jjbuzz9230the challenge is that some, very dangerous, manipulative people will actively wait until they feel they have enough leverage over you - then go full nuclear. In the end, if you get the attention of someone like that - and with folks like that - you literally have to have the balls to be able to walk away from your entire life, everything you built, and your name and reputation to be free. But that doesn’t mean you won’t even have to do exactly that at some point - because some people literally would rather burn everything down than let someone else be happier or have more than them. Appeasing them works, until it doesn’t. The really good manipulators can even present them getting what they want as you’re ’winning’ a fight they created. At which point they’ve not only gotten stronger, but you’ve wasted years making them stronger.
@@RUclipshandlesaresilly I usually look for little signs which can hint to bigger problems and it works very well. if these goes unresolved, I quickly leave the situation. I go pretty crazy in analyzing people, I have to see them in every situation. My bar is set pretty high, I don't think these super self-centered and manipulative people can escape my observant eye
I'm from Uganda and while we don't have it as bad as men in the West, female nature is the same everywhere and most of these things are applicable in my context.. I do feel for western men who have to learn all these tricks just to have a long term relationship.. it's rough on those streets
Please make it a habit to actively talk with your fellow countrymen about these things and warn them against following the same broken pathway as the west. I sincerely believe the west is irredeemable at this point and that Africa and/or the Islamic world is gonna be the only hope for the continuation of the species. Learn from the mistakes of others or be doomed to their fates.
From Uganda too, the only difference is the lack of state interference otherwise it's the same. More than half of the people/ friends I know are in their second marriage with kids in the village with grand parents. I guess that makes it easier? Here in Uganda you can impregnate a woman and never give any help and no law will hold you accountable. I understand the laws being entirely against men in the west naye...
I feel like my standards can't be compromised. I don't mind giving up some power in relationships, friendships and at work. I can always snatch it back if need be. I think relinquishing power is like giving somebody rope to hang themselves. People who don't take advantage of that are gold.
@@woodnymph3063 Been doing this for the longest time and it's by far the most effective way to find genuine people rather than their representatives. The thing you'd practice is avoiding attachments earlier on but give the other person every room to be themselves. The whole idea of controlling how a woman behaves or checking them every single time rarely works because you don't get to know the real person. After observing their character traits then you should look internally to see if they align with you own values. They say it takes most women at least 6 months to begin showing their true self. With this approach you can see things you like or don't like within 2 - 4 weeks. The more you observe and evaluate then the better you get at even weeding out some of them within days. If their values don't match yours, then walk and don't think you can change someone's school of thought which is considerably older than the relationship itself. And this doesn't apply to women only, it works well with men as well.
Exactly. I'm always vulnerable with people, but the moment they take advantage of that I just shut them out, because my vulnerability wasn't me showing weakness. I don't actually need them, I was just letting them know I'm strong enough to be open about things. I treasure the people who have shown I can trust them after all these years of vulnerability.
> I don't mind giving up [...] I can always snatch it back if need be. If you can snatch it back, have you really given it up? Let me restate in my own words what the other gentlemen and -ladies have said in this thread: I think it helps us to distinguish preserving your options (keeping power, being able to snatch it back) from enabling others to hurt you (being vulnerable, "giving up power" but not really).
@@jonaskoelker I don't always have to have the upper hand, ie power. When the other person abuses my willingness to compromise I stop compromising. That's my power. So yes, I guess I've always got the power. Unless I really don't. Then I'm outta there. So that's my other power.
I would imagine that means your too close in power. too close to that "50/50" split that most women say they want. Because they can then use their emotional and sexual edge to get what they want when they need something.
Well, it isn't a battle for power 24/7. Once the power is defined, the relationship requires consideration and commitment. The person who holds power must be mature. So you need to choose your partner well before believing that you can change it. And if you are an emotionally mature person, it is better that you have the power.
@@Carlos_ChT I'm referring specifically to a scenario where the other person is constantly being controlling and challenging you if you have an opinion or idea as if the entire point is to prove that they know better than you regardless of whether or not they actually do.
@@anonymousanomalous9937 You're right. I misunderstood you. I thought you were referring to relationships in general and not to the specific case. And yes, I think it's better to leave a relationship that is in constant conflict.
This why traditional gender roles worked despite how much feminists want to cry it’s “oppressive”. I find that the relationships where the man is the dominant and the woman is the submissive work best.
The more I watch your channel, the more I realise how atypical my marriage is. Although we know we have had objective power fluctuations through the years, we've both tried to act as if we had equal power at all times. We relinquish power all the time because we trust each other. It feels good to know that once a topic is important for you, it becomes important to the other person as well.
Your explanation is more reasonable, yes people who care the least have the most power in any given situation, if you have no desire you have no weakness. However, he is making subtle statements that the least committed is powerful, that is better to be less committed. no, commitment is not a desire or a want, being committed doesn't make you weak- actually it is the opposite, a committed person is generally mentally strong know exactly what they want and be able to overcome difficulties to obtain the biggest reward
Women usually have more power in a relationship because they are in greater demand by other men. Women have relatively lower sex drives than men, and they have greater support from friends and family, rendering any relationship they have less vital to their lives than it would be for a man. For a man to have more power in a relationship, they essentially need to be better than the woman in every way, otherwise they aren’t rare enough to tolerate.
That is how they like it lol. But in reality every species it is the female that is the selector on her throne why the guys all compete. It sounds beta-ish but the female buck will watch the head butt, female hippos will want a fight and pick the winner, male birds all do the dances and the female picks the best dancer with the best feathers then mates for life. The lower 80% can all take a hike and die alone. Sad, but nature is cruel. Humans are no different. Do you have that McMansion, over 6ft tall, and make over 132K a year (top 20%)? If not then you suck plan and simple and she would rather remain single
@@timgibney5590 This theory men be spewing holds no weight in reality. Go outside, how many women are with the "winner"? Y'll need to stop living through these theories. Half the time I want to put a microphone in front of some of these females faces and ask "What do you even see in this man?" 😂 And you're out here talking about "Oh they fight and pick the winner"....WHERE? Women are not nearly half as strategic as men make us out to be especially when it comes to mate selection. If females were so strategic, they would play most of their cards right, but they don't. Not to mention it is mathematically impossible for that theory to be true. Women aren't remaining single because they want a top 20% guy. Women are remaining single for a plethora of other reasons that most men would not care to admit.
Comment #2. the previous to last time I broke up with the 6-year relationship ex-GF was when she started to think *she* had options / power. I forget what the issues were, but all of a sudden when arguing, she started to say, "If *you* don't do what I want, I'll find someone (else) who *will!!*" Well, the third time she said / threatened that, I said for her to do so; I was *done.*
"Behind every marriage proposal is an ultimatum." What bullshit. The happy marriages I see around me happened because BOTH wanted it. No one had to demand anything. If you need to give an ultimatum, you're already with the wrong person in the first place.
Happy marriages are very rare. 50% of marriages end in divorce and we can safely assume those were in the unhappy camp. Of the remained, it is estimated about 20% (i.e. 10% of total) are genuinely happy. So your selection of a the very few marriages that last the test of time to produce a happy outcome does not reflect the general reality.
@@dharmadasa66 You should do some research on the divorce rate because it's not 50%. Different socioeconomic groups have different divorce rates these days. Also the divorce rate is going down.
Power is about abundance (options). The good thing is that one can always increase his options. Alternatively project abundance mentality, but building abundance is better. If you have 10 companies or women fighting to get you, the one who gets you will be more likely to treat you best knowing that you can walk away without any hesitations.
I disagree, an intelligent person doesn't treat you well because you have options, but because they love you and because you deserve it. A person having too many options may not be desirable for fear of his change of heart, or become self delusional just because many others desire him that he has the upper hand in a two person relationship
@@jjbuzz9230 News flash, someone always have an upper hand in the relationship. only a delusional person would think that both are equal in abundance and how they feel about the other person. Let's be real, a man working at a average job is simply invisible to majority of modern women in the west, do them men not deserve love too. Women do not want a man that other women do not want (herd mentality and preselection from old programming). Many men have experienced this directly, when they have nobody - women are not interested. The moment they have someone or abundance other women become interested. Attempting to argue this point is just silly, a man who has abundance not only attracts more women but it also keeps the testing, nagging and complaining to minimum. FYI, all this has nothing to do with intelligence, it has to do with survival. Women and men are set with different tools for survival. Also, a man who has options is not necessary "self delusional" in contrast to a woman. Because for most men to obtain abundance he has to put in a LOT of work (just to satisfy the hypergamy and looks).
It's important to remember, that if you're in a relationship.......... True "power" is not measured by whomever is most dominate, whilst the other is submissive. This is a common misconception of those with deep rooted insecurities. To view your partner as an opponent instead of you teammate, is profoundly counterproductive. If you lack the strength to be vulnerable within your relationship, and regard such thing's as "a sign of weakness." Then you have already proven YOU are the weakest link in your relationship. But just try to explain this concept to someone who has been operating this way. If they aren't the problematic party, they will be open to changing their approach, and giving this alternative a go. Because if it has the possibility of improving the relationship, then who wouldn't give it a try? Answer- The insecure, problematic, manipulative, and emotionally inept party. That's who.
3 Easy Rules of Thumb Power is the Ability is to get other people to act in the service of your goals 1 Observe who moves the least - example Infants, Emotion Rules the Day 2 You need to Consider who is less committed than the other. Observe who issues Ultimatums more often. 3 Just Consider who has more Options than the other
Ultimatums are silly. NEVER issue a man an ultimatum. If you don’t like what he’s doing, quietly move on and let him keep his “power”. You keep your peace.
Only in a symmetrical SYSTEM are the dynamic forces equal. Relationships are, at the core nature, asymmetrical systems. Imagine a seesaw, with the fulcrum perfectly in the middle. In order for that system to operate optimally (as children's seesaws are intended) fairly equal weight is required on both sides. Now imagine a seesaw with the fulcrum slightly off-center. In order for this system to work optimally, different weights are required. Both seesaws are "balanced." Same with relationships. They are asymmetrical systems (simply due to biology), and so they are "balanced" when they are NOT equal. Attempting to force equal distributions of power are ultimately problematic for the system in the long-term.
i would imagine a relationship is several different see saws. physical. social. mental. emotional. sexual. the "power balance" of the relationship is the average of all of them. most women have the edge on sexual and social ("I can't always get another guy") and emotional (it's their ju-jitsu) which means only physical for the men. So, it's no wonder that it's become a taboo to use physical power at all, especially on a woman. So, women on average have an edge on almost all of the seesaws, unless the man is exceptional. Which is why most women don't respect most men. Respect requires power. which means you have to be better than she is in one or more of the seesaws.
@@Ezberron I think there's at least one more seesaw: financial resources. In most relationships, men have the advantage on the financial seesaw. In the long run, though, this advantage often doesn't mean very much, because it can be neutralized relatively easily. A woman can co-opt a man's financial resources just by saying "I want a divorce"...and then BOOM, she's automatically entitled to at least half of everything he owns, and she didn't even have to outcompete him in the marketplace in order to do it. Have you ever noticed that when a man withholds money from his wife or tries to control how she spends the money he earns, people call that "financial abuse"? But when a woman does the exact same thing to her husband, nobody calls that abuse. It's the same with physical dominance...if a woman hits a man, most people don't consider that abuse and don't take it seriously. If a man hits a woman, it's considered abuse, and there are severe legal and social consequences for it. In other words, men exercising any kind of power over women is taboo, but women exercising power over men is condoned and even encouraged. This is all based on the assumption that women HAVE no power. Women as a group are essentially using their covert power to strip away men's overt power, and men are pretty much unable to fight back. Covert power is still power, and in many cases, it's superior to overt power. The idea that women have no power (or had none in the past) is verifiably false, and it's currently wreaking havoc on society and relationships. If you're a man, unless you can find a woman with a heart of gold who refuses to wield her power destructively or vindictively, you're fucked. Part of the way we combat this is by dispelling the notion that women are powerless victims.
@@Ezberron Oh yes, a relationship is most certainly a complex machine with many integrated asymmetrical systems. And they are dynamic as well. My seesaw analogy is only a crude way of explaining how balance can occur without equality.
@@Ezberronwhich is also why, in many countries, domestic violence is ‘acceptable’ to an extent. Or even normalized. Russia, most Spanish countries, etc.
@@kylemacdougall8355but who somehow convinced us that covert power doesn’t exist, or isn’t actually power? Often, it’s ourselves or our parents hah. Or society. And who says things like domestic violence are truly terrible, and also not a justified reaction in some cases? (While providing few or no alternatives). Same. The challenge is, if one starts rejecting many of these things, is the ‘natural’ alternative is…. Very, very concerning. Domestic violence is terrible. If no one has accountability to anything, and gets unhinged, and can’t or won’t leave/split, domestic violence is inevitable. A useful balance is better, but requires subjugation to an outside group or party, since fundamentally the most dangerous people are the ones who refuse to be accountable to themselves. The police provide that for most criminal situations (aka domestic violence), but covert power is almost impossible to see or control that way. Usually that control has been provided by churches and social groups. So things get unbalanced. Or fly apart.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
When it comes to true love, power is rarely a priority. If it is a priority for the other person, then they are the wrong one for you. The need for power is for weak people, and they rarely make nurturing partners. Each other’s happiness is the north star ⭐️
Some people will also use the illusion of true love to get the other person to give, while they take. It’s a very common manipulation tactic. Being aware of the balance is important, to not get taken advantage of. Trying to manipulate or force someone into a specific power balance is always a fools errand. If they won’t see the value to themselves of being in a specific place/balance, they’re not worth the work.
@@RUclipshandlesaresilly give it a rest, fear is what will destroy love. Obviously there is such a thing as being taken advantage of, but 9/10 you can tell from a mile away.
My girl gave me an ultimatum last year to marry her or she is walking… fast forward 9 months she is still here with no marriage. So who has the power if ultimatums are not acted upon?
It is not true that some people do not surrender power voluntarily. My mother taught me to be very codependent at a very early age so I found a very narcissistic woman to marry, voluntarily and with eyes wide open surrendering all power to her. This was a match made in heaven until I got too sick to keep her happy and after 27 years of being married to the perfect woman for me, she told me to leave. Of course in the end it was the huge power imbalance that cause the marriage to fail, or was it that marriage is the only contract two people can enter where one person knows from the beginning they can and will break the contract at the right time and win cash and prizes. In any case, my point is that there is a significant portion of the population that wants to be dependent and not in control of anything as control means responsibility. Thanks for your channel.
Regarding your ‘core emotional wounds’ video (attachment issues - ‘not good enough’ & ‘unlovable’)…. Could you recommend any books related to ‘mitigating’ and/or ‘fixing’ core emotional wounds? Thank you for your time. - John
Spot on. However the reason traditional relationships worked better in the past is complex and involve morals, societal values and family, peer, and religious pressures to do the right thing despite a power dynamic that may be unequal at times.
Historically, the church and other women kept women ‘in line’ through shame/ostracism/manipulation. The battleground was usually social venues and access to men through reputation. The law and other men kept men in line through violence/ostracism/manipulation. The battleground was usually around resources - jobs/money, opportunity, and access to women through available resources (and reputation). Neither of these is very effective in modern times, for a multitude of reasons - including both being neutered through threat of public exposure/shaming/manipulation/bypassing, and readily available ‘bypasses’ of traditional mechanisms. It’s all getting ramped up of course, to try to compensate, but it’s only working against a smaller and smaller portion of the population. that doesn’t mean it’s very effective overall on the whole anymore. For instance, it used to be a problem if your local community hated you. Now, it’s rare that there even is a local community. Or that people know who you are, in many cases. Hell, many people can still get food, income, sex, material goods, and income without ever being even seen by anyone except the specific person you’ve paired up with - and none of that transaction can even be seen or intercepted by local busybodies. There used to be community enforcing consequences for both sides if they didn’t do ‘the right thing’. Men had to ‘settle down’ and get married, or they’d be considered ‘of bad character’ and unavailable for promotion or marriage (unless they knew how to produce massive wealth). Women would be considered of bad character (and undesirable to marry or have kids with, and not protected by society) if they didn’t toe the line at church, had sex outside of ‘the rules’, got divorced, didn’t stay with the kids, were nasty to be around, etc. Which could, and often did suck btw. Lots of domestic violence (male and female), suicide, murder, etc. but hey, fewer divorces and less loneliness? 😂 For better or worse.
I've concieved power to simply mean control, or moreso control over your lifes circumstances. Ultimatums are a declaration of powerlessness, otherwise why are you issuing them in the first place if you actually had control over your circumstances?
Whose name comes immediately to mind? Him? Her? ' I do' stated proudly? 'We both do' or ' it varies with situation'? Most of us don't like to think about ' power' when we think about relationships. Intimate relationships involve sharing and cooperation - but it takes two to share and cooperate. Thanks!
Well, not really. Because an infant in a relationship doesn't have any other *option* than to be with the current parents. Moreover, such an infant us certainly *committed* to be cared for by them. It will surely not escape from home. So points listed by Orion Taraban as no. 2 and 3 are zero in terms of power of an infant. As someone aptly said, it is rather a cat that would match all three points listed here.
Money is just a way to get other people to move inline with your goals. in relationships, its more about the lifestyle you're sharing with them with rather than an allowance/paycheck. "if you like living in this nice house with this nice car, you'll let me lead." (which might work until the wedding, then you're in for a shock)
@@Ezberron yes and control of the purse strings in a relationship creates a power dynamic. I make 4x what my wife makes. She hates feeling like she has to ask… it’s the only thing really that I have any “hand” in to use the words of George Costanza. Yes if she splits the courts prob give her all of it so I have motivation to keep her happy on all fronts.
Somewhat disagree on your take regarding ultimatums. Ultimately, issuing ultimatums is a sign of powerlessness. Generally, if you have power over someone the ultimatum isn't needed; people will fall in line without you having to do anything. Only people negotiating from a position of weakness need to issue ultimatums to try and force compliance.
Most stories of a BF or GF giving an ultimatum is when the power dynamic is shifting and the person on the bottom is trying to rebalance things by changing/adding rules to the relationship as a way to regain their former leverage. Most women on top don't have to say "I'm going out with my girls this weekend and you'll just like it." out loud. they just do it because their BF at home is easily replaced if he acts up. It's only when he's actually a catch that she won't. but even then only if he said "no more girls trips" because nobody gives up power willingly.
The moment a woman uses emotional pressure on me, I'm out. I refuse to live under tyranny. To be fair, I give them a warning in the beginning of the relationship. Trouble is, women's memory is quite poor when they have to remember their responsibilities.
To be fair, unless she's had a strong father, she's never been told what to do. So, if you lay down a firm "don't do this" boundary, she's probably not going believe you *actually* mean it. Also, women use emotions the same way men use muscles. it's their go to for conflict resolution. So, the first time she doesn't get her way, she's throwing emotional hands. (which really should be as much a deal breaker as throwing actual hands, but that's another point)
I mean, unless she's poor and/or disabled, its always the wife. It starts off that way, ends that way. He has to save three paychecks for a Diamond Ring. She only has to say yes or no. They both take vows, but we all know who files for 70% of divorces. The court system TENDS to want to award custody to the mother, and garnish wages and/or imprison on weekends the father if he isn't paying the ordered amount on time, whether capable or not. She lives 10 years longer, having at least TRIED to keep her SMV, with several 'work husbands', beta orbiters, and friendzoned dudes that can always be converted into a new monkeybranch. Let's not even mention the many dating site profiles she keeps up for simp validation, that keeps her confident and in touch with potential suitors. When you look at the bottom line, in modern America, it is actually THE WORST MOVE a man can make to marry a modern woman. Her money is her money, and his money is her money. Their kids are her kids. Their house is her house. And all men, even ones he knows are potential replacements. Women WANT children. They think they want romance and marriage. They have showed that is not the case, just the kids part. There is nothing new or better for men to do. They do not need to 'up their game' for moving goalposts. Very simply, if women want children they need to change. Only men can give you children. And the office jobs that pay you well enough to look down on blue-collar men will mean nothing when gas is $10 a gallon and milk $20 a gallon as men are opting out of high-stress, high-danger jobs they would gladly suffer to come home to the beaming faces of their wife and children.
Once you establish who has more power in the relationship, great! Do you use that power to be a tyrant or do you use that power in service of your relationship?
Thanks you for making this video. I feel like it addresses a key issue that I have been struggling with in my own life. I found it rather empowering. I am hoping to take you up on a consultation when I can afford it!
Oh that infant is a bad analogy. Fatally flawed in fact. The infant literally has no ability or authority to make decisions. It is not the person that acts but the person that decides whom should perform the task. Intent always trumps actions. I suggest you re-evaluate with authority for decisions as your lense. If I tell my partner to do something and we both expect that I have the authority tell her then I have the power. If my partner stumbles and I tell her to stop and let me help, I still have the power.
Be Sigma male, Never make women the top priority in life. Make your health, career, hobbies, friends, relatives etc the top priority. Learn to live with or without women. Focus on yourself, work hard, make lot of money, have lot of fun. No strings attached. For kids look for asian gals.
I think you are right about the 3 fundamental questions you highlighted. However, I feel it is a bit more nuanced. For example - what if all three answers points to the same person but person has co dependency. In that case they would be likely to give up the power to thier partner.
No one in this lifetime will have a romantic relationship where they call all the shots. It goes back and forth until the relationship fades away. Since we are living longer. We will have multiple partners in our lifetime. Thats the way I see it from my personal observations of life with family/friends/co-workes who I interact with.
I would say everyone who wants to call all the shots in any relationship, even most casual and non-romantic one is highly unlikely to build really long-lasting and benefitial relationships. Humans are rather strongly wired for reciprocity, with small exceptions, so without it if someone only seeks to win the struggle power all the time it really shows and it really puts people off.
Women have the power 100%. They prefer a powerful decisive confident man who can lead, but at the end of the day women chose the relationship status, sex, and who and who doesn't get a chance. They do the divorcing, they do the friendzoning, they do the deciding who wants to move beyond friends, they decide who gets married, and so on. I realized long ago that men are the CEO's but behind the scene women are the board of directors who decides who gets to take the lead and stay a CEO or become one. The CEO acts powerful and runs day and day duties and provides leadership ... but at the pleasure of the board of directors. As men never bring up relationship status, marriage, or anything else related. She will walk you to the wedding ring store when she is ready. She will ask what are we? She will give you the signal it is ok to kiss her etc. When the guy does it she bails. Doesn't matter if she liked you 1 minute ago. lol.
@@elchucapablas We are not. We are not chosen. When you are a bf you have been chosen as the best mate she can get ... for the moment. She leaves you when she thinks she can do better or she starts outearning you or gets skinner.
You can often tell it pretty quickly within groups and couples, one is clearly submissive and the other takes the lead, body language, the amount they talk, lack of disagreements......
This can, and usually actually be inverted - is the one in the lead going in that direction because it is what both of them want? Or what the follower wants? Or just what the leader wants? In a couple, the submissive is often being served by the leader by leading. Leading involves significant effort and risk. For example, the housewife is often in a cushy and safe position, while the husband is off working to earn them both money. Especially in the modern world, where the majority of the household work is automated, and in high income situations where most of the child rearing work can be outsourced to Nannies. Another example - the wife who wants to go out to eat, but refuses to pick is making the husband do the work of picking an option she will tolerate. As folks in these situation are well aware - if he refuses to pick, or picks something she doesn’t like, it’s not like she’ll just make them both an acceptable dinner. 90% of the time anyway. And if he picks something she doesn’t like and forces the issue, it’s not like he’ll get an enjoyable experience. One way or another, he’ll be miserable in proportion. One of them would be seen as ‘dominant’, but really who is being served here, and who is in control? 😂 Or, it can be the other way around. The only way to tell is discernment of the actual details.
Women do and by far margin. They benefit for staying in the relationship. They benefit -even more- for breaking the relationship. They have the power to stay and the power to leave, therefore they are in control.
If you simply apply the 3rd rule you mentioned on who has more options, then women will almost ALWAYS possess more power. Which is a fact of life. This is why most men appear powerLESS in modern relationships. Instead, men should attempt to act like the opposite. Some slightly exaggerated sense of confidence will go a long way. Some call this “cockiness”
Power can often be like sand in the hand - the more you grip it, the less you have. We also get to define the frame in which we operate. In certain frames, it may be completely not up to us to increase our power, unless something outside our control changes the circumstances. In other frames, we can have all the power we want by default. Thus, someone in a concentration camp may not be able to escape - his body is physically constrained within that space. However, he can be completely sovereign in his mental/emotional state (if he is present enough to consciously manipulate his frame). Nothing his guards (or anyone else) can do will affect his mental/emotional state unless he lets it happen. This power cannot be taken away. It can only be forfeited (or never claimed to begin with).
I'm 64 and you are saying much of what I've always felt / believed, but certainly couldn't express myself, you are providing a gigantic gift to humanity, THANK YOU, I wish I could give $50B to promote you, please don't stop until you've mastered 'Loving like the sun' !!
This is why the man controls the commitment by default, because the risk to reward ratio is against us monumentally that the man must really be CERTAIN that he wants to do what he's about to do.
Just wanted to know if you ever watched the podcast fresh and fit. And if you haven’t you should definitely check them out. They seem to agree with a lot of the things you say just more harsher.
Second example, the employer and the employee both has power but its always varies based on the circumstances. The employer responsible for deadline and delivery of results, without employee can not succeed or would be less efficient. Especially replacing and employee who is well experienced and effective. In this example the employee has power too.
My 2cent.. women have more power cos women like details.. But here is the trickier part.. men gain more power in those marriage. Women will always expand. Babies and other stuff.. Friends moms etc etc.. So letting women gain power actually benefit the men. But sometimes the men want to get the decision making. So he really need to put on leash on his family. Love, care, more love.. he needs to really hold his own power(which is money) And expect food sex as rewards(to maintain his happiness)
Some people don't issue ultimatums. I don't want someone around me who is doing things just because they'll suffer if they don't. Either want to or get away from me
I am less committed. I don’t give ultimatum’s to her to change for me but if she tries to change me and I don’t agree I just say no, and sometimes remind her we don’t need to continue being together if her problem is big enough I suggest her solution could be to end it with me
actually in this day and age employers need much more the empleyees then vice versa. otherwise they can do the work themselves if no one wants to work for them.
Putting herself out on IG in the first place will leave her no options with a wise man. It's also helpful to maintain the option to leave. You keep your place, she keeps hers. If anyone becomes too unreasonable or irrational the other can simply smile and head for the door. Or show the door if the look doesn't make it clear. Someone said "Talking is overrated." Seriously guys, an ultimatum should always be met with an immediate no. Caving to that sort of BS sets a precedent and you'll get to eat a lot more of it in the future.
@@Ezberron My experience has been just a simple no and the BS goes away. Or she continues to be delusional and is shown the door. Usually the sales pitch comes within a week or two.
the idea that one can invoke emotions like pressing in a button is ridiculous, emotional manipulations regardless of its form, must be accepted, condone by the other until it does not, if what suggested were true people could do this consistently every time with the same person and others which not is the case
There are so many of these rude asymmetries in relationships. And it's funny that we can't just speak plainly in our relationships about these things. There really are things that humans aren't reasonable enough to discuss in the open air.
One of my female customers said something about men having power. I said " I doubt there's a divorced man in this country who would say that men have lots of power." Her response was "Good point." The person with the vagina has all the power. Maybe some male celebrities or fabulously wealthy men have the kind of power that most women take for granted.
So in other words.... The one who is least committed, has a knack for compartmentalizing (which is easy for noncommittal individuals) keeps their "options" open, and can't be bothered to put fourth an equal effort towards the relationship....... They have more power? Just so we're clear here..... It's highly likely THAT individual would be firmly planted in the Cluster B set of disorders. I think you forgot the "o" in the middle of your channels name. Of course it could've been a strategic omission. A premeditated tactic often used by certain individuals. Dishonest individuals. For reasons such as "plausible deniability." If ever they are exposed, or at risk of exposure. Although it's generally a bad idea to use the word "hack" when wanting to be seen as a professional in any field of study. Would that qualify as a "Freudian Slip" or just an instance where you've inadvertently told on yourself?
Omg. So true. This girl has never visited me in my city. We live 1 hour and 20 minutes ago from each other….. in 4 months , she paid no visit to me. She holds all the cards, but wrote me away 3 weeks ago.
The definition of power is capacity, not lack of action. Even socially, it’s what a person is capable of. Your second and third conditions attempt to describe this, but your first directly contradicts it. The rich are powerful not because people do everything for them, but because they can compel everyone to do someone. It’s not the act that demonstrates the power. It’s the ability to predictively compel the act, the potential. ‘Who moves the least’ may describe a sufficient condition, but consider that the infant’s power rests ENTIRELY on the good will and capacity of the caretaker. The infant has zero potential to effect its will. It doesn’t even have a describable will. The infant is utterly POWERLESS. Without its caretakers, it will die. Period. Even without considering the matrix of relative power relationships within the family, who moves the least nearly always does so at the leisure and discretion of the one who moves the most, and at a whim, the one who moves the most can normally completely and utterly upturn the others’ entire lifestyle. The ability to exist, lazily, on the graces of those who actually possess great capacity is not power. This is best described as a state of grace. I do understand what you were going for here, but you should study power far more directly, both it’s modern and post modern versions, because you’ve utterly missed on this one.
![Cody Johnson - I'm Gonna Love You (with Carrie Underwood) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/yy9PuYMU29g/mqdefault.jpg)
Much like attraction, the balance of power in a relationship is never exactly equal. Whether we like it or not, one person always has more power than an other in a given relationship. It would be irresponsible to claim that this power imbalance neatly follows gendered lines, as it intimately depends on the actual individuals involved. That said, in this episode, I give you three easy ways to make the determination as to who has more power in a relationship.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#power #relationship #psychology
Hello Psyhacks, can I yes or not, translate one of your videos into arabic (I keep english and subtitles and maybe add some images here and there), can you say yes or no please? I dont want to start the project and be denied after finishing it.
I am interested only one ONE video for now, one in particular, not all.
Thanks.
@@badro7712just super chat him so he sees your question. Remember there are 124k subscribers
He opens with "It's the way it is"
If power is the way that it is, then why are relationships failing so miserably? It doesn't make sense. If we follow what this man says to be true, then engage in power, then it's certain our relationship will fail. Why will it fail? According to him: power is just how it is. Know what else "is"? People aren't getting married. Fatherless homes. Over 50% divorce rate. 1 million babies die a year to abortion. And so on.
So... if family and relationships are failing because that's just how it currently is, and power is also how it just is... then power is the problem, no?
Perhaps if I look to Jesus. His number 2 commandment: Love your neighbor as yourself.
If you're exercising power, you're not loving your neighbor. It seems that if we continue to listen to guys like this, then relationships will continue to fail.
"If you want to know who rules over you, find out who you're not allowed to criticize."
That can have many meanings. Many are ruled by their traumas or dopamine hits.
Which is where this "hatred" for men with standards come from. passport bros? men vetting women? men saying NO to marriage. all men openly or quietly passing judgement/criticism on women. Which is why they hate them all with shaming language. "how dare you!?"
@@pitpitpit9948 My intended meaning is that in Western culture, it's currently acceptable for women to criticize men in general, but it's not considered acceptable for men to criticize women in general. In other words, men in general are ruled by women in general.
Everyone is allowed to be criticized, but not everyone can be defied
@@limitlesssky3050 No you can't criticize blacks AT ALL, even when they point a gun at your face
Where there is a power struggle there is zero room for that relationship to grow or flourish, that’s only going to end nasty.
When there is no power struggle, you will experience the ease of having a healthy relationship with one another.
Like equals respecting each other.
How can this scientifically be proven?
We can prove that women will behave in a certain way, hypergamy.
How could we prove this theory to be true?
Leverage. The person that has leverage in a relationship has more power. This is manifested as more options, caring less about outcomes, etc.
I feel you described influence not power. Power would be the force behind of your influence. Power can be as strong as it wants but if it has no influence it wont make a difference.
Thanks!
Real Power is the degree to which a person has control over their own circumstances. Real Power is the degree to which we control the directions of our lives.
-Rollo Tomassi
the one who loves the least has the power
Sadly true!
Love is often misconstrued in our culture. If by "love" you mean infatuation and attachment, then yes your statement is one aspect of the situation (there are more components). But a more fair, or perhaps I should just say different, definition of love is the capacity to care, empathize, hold space, and generally be supportive to another; that is a tremendous capacity which absolutely increases a person's power. The person which has it hopefully is aware of the tremendous gift it is and doesn't devalue it in their own eyes, and thus honors their own value and the value of their time, energy and attention.
Two different definitions of love. The word love has become very ambiguous. Let's not lose sight of our goodness, especially when discussing transaction based concepts, the goodness is in us always, I see this transaction based talk as a way of being more aware of what transactions are happening as a method to be able to better act due to better information; not as a way of loving less, but rather as a way for allowing love to further thrive due to increased awareness and understanding.
You can love the most, but still be completely unattached. These men can not "love" these women, but sure as shit are attached to them and slaves to their lust.
Yes, that is another way of saying it. The way orion said it is, the person most willing (threatening) to leave has the power. Same thing.
My ex wife told me she wanted an open marriage. (She showed signs of mental illness) . I said, " NOPE" you're getting a divorce . She's now divorced from her 3rd husband. I was #1.
That's the right move.
@The Mick no offense, but did you not see the warning signs before you got married? I'm always perplexed by this because people with personality disorders, mental illness, or trauma can't really hide it for long.
She is for the streets.
Good man.
Bud, you'll always be #1.
It's been my opinion that the person who has the most power in a relationship, is the one who can walk away.
Yes! I agree!
It depends. I issued ultimatums, I walked away, yet I believe I suffered more, at least on a short term. Sometimes the one which is more visible and with more options is the one which cares more in a relationship. Who cares about who has the power, as long as you deal with pain anyway?
@@Lilith-9223 I think he meant that the one with the power can walk away without feeling like they lost anything. Anyone can walk away but was walking away the pragmatic decision or was it just out of ego. In the former, you have the power. In the latter, you're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.
That's correct. And most of the time the one who got left behind didn't realize the power structure until they look around and they're alone. A lot of people keep the toxicity and drama going without any intent to change because they believe that they are their partner's best or only option.
@@Lilith-9223 If you were feeling pain and suffering when walking away, then the other person had power over your emotions / happiness.
under this power theory, my wife's cat is the most powerful in our house.
Yep. sounds about right. probably doesn't even clean their cat box.
😂
You have been the best thing in this entire video + comment section 😂
😂😂
Ah yes, because your cat decided whether to have its sexual function destroyed...
I know people like to say the "pets are really the owners" thing as a joke, but it always makes me a little bit melancholy to think about what it would be like to be in their place... I like my pets a lot, but they are just animals, and ultimately we are the ones who hold ultimate power over their lives and deaths.
Whoever cares less, has less to lose and has more options, has the most power.
Yes. It is the same principle for any negotiation.
his notions of power are totally wrong, the one doing the most is the most powerful cause if it stops the whole thing comes down, its the ones standing still the least powerful cause they are 100% dependable of others and often cant do anything on their own, if by any instance they fail to achieve a plan that convinces those moving, its dropped right there and then, thus rich people are dime a dozen, they come and go each decade as they spend their money which never last forever while professionalism last forever, cant be taken and always worth more with time.
he's confusing money with real power, like portrayed in the tv series house of cards: money is a brand new mansion that start decaying after 10 years, power is a stone building that last for centuries, frankly is difficult to respect anyone who does not know the difference.
for last and not the least, dr Obrien here is what is known in anthropologic terms a beta male, low energy, in fight or flight situations he will choose flight, the way he express his aggression, posture, mindset is different than a alpha or sigma male thus all rules which he bases all his life are different.
to say beta males have the right posture and attitude to face the changing world and its challenges is ridiculous, in nature the beta male is active part of the system but not as leader of anything, having beta males at the fore front put at risk the whole system, thus any comment, point, notion, idea, should never be taken as valid ever.
just think for a moment, where before only alpha and sigma males were able to become doctors, in their attitude and confidence, anyone could go to a medical doctor and have him reach diagnose that he will prove with an exam, we have now insecure, apathic beta males that will rim a person with exams in hope of getting a diagnose.
this is the same situation here, we have a person doing things that should not but since people legally no longer give him a reality check even if mean give him a few slaps(the natural challege who's who) which gives him a false notion of his abilities and what is valid or not cause he can do it so without being challeged which does not happen in nature, in nature any beta male, juvenile acting out of his natural mindset and position in the group is promptly tested.
people should still be able to say what ever they want but people should know or be aware who is telling(like having glasses) if a Alpha, Sigma, etc. instead of academic titles in their id card, they should have their anthropologic classification which says way more of a person than any title can.
in this case would be Beta(maybe even omega) Cis Male Dr Obrien
My (ex)wife issued an ultimatum. (She must have felt she had the power.)
I refused her ultimatum. She doubled down. I filed for divorce the next day. oh well
Assuming that is indeed true, I commend you for keeping command, sir.
My friend’s (ex)wife used divorce as a chess piece whenever she wanted to gain upper hand. She did serve my friend one day after a particularly argument. My friend thought about it after retaining a legal counsel. He agreed to divorce. She was dumbfounded but she couldn’t undo it unless my friend agreed not to proceed. Now she uses the two children as chess pieces to drive a wedge between them and him and his family.
When I did that she tried to sleep with me and beg me to come back. I asked her about that years later and she said she wanted a back bone and I finally got one. I explained y ou should have told me this before I left as it was too late at that point.
@@33Jenesis These things have consequences. I let me ex-wife know this that when I said I was leaving I WAS leaving as I do not believe you play games like this with a spouse or an employer or anyone. Once I made the decision that is it and it is never a 1 time thing but a straw that broke the camels back moment. I hope she learned
Called her bluff
I will also add 3 more points based on my experience:
1. Who is testing more?
2. Who is seeking less or no validation?
3. Who is not ready to change for the other?
Who is testing more? What is that? Please don't tell me that's talking about who's testing the other partner more. Smh
@@neptunes297 yes I have to tell you what you do not want to hear. the person in power does lot more shit test
@@neptunes297you can always walk away from people like this to find someone that aligns with your values. But lots of these people exist. Usually immature and emotionally wrecked people.
Wow you’re right. What a fucked up life lol
Who wants any of that?
Imo, These 3 points are just corollaries from the point of the vídeo.
I have found that not being afraid of being alone is underrated power and leverage.
Correct. It's a superpower.
Exactly how I feel. I have NO options except I can be alone for the rest of my life with no problem.
In a marriage, who generally moans/complains, threatens divorce, and has the better IG. In nearly all marriages its the wives who have the power. They can go to divorce court and take a husband's money, house and kids. Marriage is one of the quickest ways a man can neuter himself. You're giving your wife a shotgun to use against you at any time in the next 50 years.
Glad I got milk for free without buying the cow in my last relationship hoping for more of the same for the next 10 years until I’m ready to settle down
NO THX! Well said
@@lilbroomstick7914 for me settle down NEVER!!
@@lilbroomstick7914 Guys once the decide to settle down after having their fun are even easier to be take advantage of imo because then you are less likely/willing to walk away if the wife doesnt behave than before when you werent ready to 'settle down'. The mindset of 'settling down' is weakness, you should always be ready to grow and take risks, thats what makes a MAN
@@keith5517 it's not a belief. the law actually is incredibly pro wife and pro mother in most states. So much so that many women talk about "starter husbands" and "marry the first time for money" sort of thinking.
Easy. The one who can walk away. That means the one with options (has money and other partners to choose from, among other things)
Trump taught me that one. The one who has power in negotiation is the one who can afford to walk away.
Ultimatums may come from a position of power but not always. Sometimes it the 'less powerful' person calls their bluff, and this can suddenly send the so-called 'more powerful' person into a full blown panic. My ex was totally blindsided by me in this regard and begged me to stay. Sometimes we overestimate how much power another has over us, and vice versa.
Ultimatums are equivalent to setting boundaries. If you set a boundary, like no clubs, and the other person walks all over it without consequences you know you have no power.
You do, power to leave is one that should be exerted. Otherwise it's a game of manipulation which is probably not worth your time
@@jjbuzz9230the challenge is that some, very dangerous, manipulative people will actively wait until they feel they have enough leverage over you - then go full nuclear.
In the end, if you get the attention of someone like that - and with folks like that - you literally have to have the balls to be able to walk away from your entire life, everything you built, and your name and reputation to be free.
But that doesn’t mean you won’t even have to do exactly that at some point - because some people literally would rather burn everything down than let someone else be happier or have more than them.
Appeasing them works, until it doesn’t. The really good manipulators can even present them getting what they want as you’re ’winning’ a fight they created. At which point they’ve not only gotten stronger, but you’ve wasted years making them stronger.
@@RUclipshandlesaresilly I usually look for little signs which can hint to bigger problems and it works very well. if these goes unresolved, I quickly leave the situation. I go pretty crazy in analyzing people, I have to see them in every situation. My bar is set pretty high, I don't think these super self-centered and manipulative people can escape my observant eye
I'm from Uganda and while we don't have it as bad as men in the West, female nature is the same everywhere and most of these things are applicable in my context.. I do feel for western men who have to learn all these tricks just to have a long term relationship.. it's rough on those streets
We love Ugandan women in Kenya. Kenyan women are just typical western women.
Please make it a habit to actively talk with your fellow countrymen about these things and warn them against following the same broken pathway as the west. I sincerely believe the west is irredeemable at this point and that Africa and/or the Islamic world is gonna be the only hope for the continuation of the species. Learn from the mistakes of others or be doomed to their fates.
From Uganda too, the only difference is the lack of state interference otherwise it's the same. More than half of the people/ friends I know are in their second marriage with kids in the village with grand parents. I guess that makes it easier? Here in Uganda you can impregnate a woman and never give any help and no law will hold you accountable. I understand the laws being entirely against men in the west naye...
It all boils down to leverage. Power and leverage go hand in hand
I feel like my standards can't be compromised. I don't mind giving up some power in relationships, friendships and at work. I can always snatch it back if need be. I think relinquishing power is like giving somebody rope to hang themselves. People who don't take advantage of that are gold.
@@woodnymph3063 Been doing this for the longest time and it's by far the most effective way to find genuine people rather than their representatives. The thing you'd practice is avoiding attachments earlier on but give the other person every room to be themselves. The whole idea of controlling how a woman behaves or checking them every single time rarely works because you don't get to know the real person. After observing their character traits then you should look internally to see if they align with you own values. They say it takes most women at least 6 months to begin showing their true self. With this approach you can see things you like or don't like within 2 - 4 weeks. The more you observe and evaluate then the better you get at even weeding out some of them within days. If their values don't match yours, then walk and don't think you can change someone's school of thought which is considerably older than the relationship itself. And this doesn't apply to women only, it works well with men as well.
Exactly. I'm always vulnerable with people, but the moment they take advantage of that I just shut them out, because my vulnerability wasn't me showing weakness. I don't actually need them, I was just letting them know I'm strong enough to be open about things. I treasure the people who have shown I can trust them after all these years of vulnerability.
Sort of like a Secret Identity, huh? Well, if you have the Super Power, and you don't mind living in the Fortress of Solitude...
> I don't mind giving up [...] I can always snatch it back if need be.
If you can snatch it back, have you really given it up?
Let me restate in my own words what the other gentlemen and -ladies have said in this thread: I think it helps us to distinguish preserving your options (keeping power, being able to snatch it back) from enabling others to hurt you (being vulnerable, "giving up power" but not really).
@@jonaskoelker I don't always have to have the upper hand, ie power. When the other person abuses my willingness to compromise I stop compromising. That's my power. So yes, I guess I've always got the power. Unless I really don't. Then I'm outta there. So that's my other power.
The second I realize a relationship will be a constant battle for power, I'm out. It's childish
I would imagine that means your too close in power. too close to that "50/50" split that most women say they want. Because they can then use their emotional and sexual edge to get what they want when they need something.
Well, it isn't a battle for power 24/7. Once the power is defined, the relationship requires consideration and commitment. The person who holds power must be mature. So you need to choose your partner well before believing that you can change it. And if you are an emotionally mature person, it is better that you have the power.
@@Carlos_ChT I'm referring specifically to a scenario where the other person is constantly being controlling and challenging you if you have an opinion or idea as if the entire point is to prove that they know better than you regardless of whether or not they actually do.
@@anonymousanomalous9937 You're right. I misunderstood you. I thought you were referring to relationships in general and not to the specific case. And yes, I think it's better to leave a relationship that is in constant conflict.
This why traditional gender roles worked despite how much feminists want to cry it’s “oppressive”. I find that the relationships where the man is the dominant and the woman is the submissive work best.
The more I watch your channel, the more I realise how atypical my marriage is. Although we know we have had objective power fluctuations through the years, we've both tried to act as if we had equal power at all times. We relinquish power all the time because we trust each other. It feels good to know that once a topic is important for you, it becomes important to the other person as well.
Real teamwork.
This fact dawned upon me couple years ago! I saw that the person that cares the least holds the most power. You explained it perfectly, thanks❤
Your explanation is more reasonable, yes people who care the least have the most power in any given situation, if you have no desire you have no weakness. However, he is making subtle statements that the least committed is powerful, that is better to be less committed. no, commitment is not a desire or a want, being committed doesn't make you weak- actually it is the opposite, a committed person is generally mentally strong know exactly what they want and be able to overcome difficulties to obtain the biggest reward
In the words of Mr. Ben Folds, it's "the battle of who could care less."
Women usually have more power in a relationship because they are in greater demand by other men.
Women have relatively lower sex drives than men, and they have greater support from friends and family, rendering any relationship they have less vital to their lives than it would be for a man.
For a man to have more power in a relationship, they essentially need to be better than the woman in every way, otherwise they aren’t rare enough to tolerate.
That is how they like it lol. But in reality every species it is the female that is the selector on her throne why the guys all compete. It sounds beta-ish but the female buck will watch the head butt, female hippos will want a fight and pick the winner, male birds all do the dances and the female picks the best dancer with the best feathers then mates for life. The lower 80% can all take a hike and die alone. Sad, but nature is cruel. Humans are no different. Do you have that McMansion, over 6ft tall, and make over 132K a year (top 20%)? If not then you suck plan and simple and she would rather remain single
Women don't have lower sex drive, they have lower sex drive for you.
@ axl100
No, all else being equal, women will on average desire sex less frequently than men.
@@axl1002 That's the truth.
@@timgibney5590 This theory men be spewing holds no weight in reality. Go outside, how many women are with the "winner"? Y'll need to stop living through these theories. Half the time I want to put a microphone in front of some of these females faces and ask "What do you even see in this man?" 😂 And you're out here talking about "Oh they fight and pick the winner"....WHERE? Women are not nearly half as strategic as men make us out to be especially when it comes to mate selection. If females were so strategic, they would play most of their cards right, but they don't.
Not to mention it is mathematically impossible for that theory to be true. Women aren't remaining single because they want a top 20% guy. Women are remaining single for a plethora of other reasons that most men would not care to admit.
The individual who wants the sex most has less power. The one who can refuse has more power.
Saying NO gives one power.
Comment #2. the previous to last time I broke up with the 6-year relationship ex-GF was when she started to think *she* had options / power. I forget what the issues were, but all of a sudden when arguing, she started to say, "If *you* don't do what I want, I'll find someone (else) who *will!!*" Well, the third time she said / threatened that, I said for her to do so; I was *done.*
"Behind every marriage proposal is an ultimatum." What bullshit. The happy marriages I see around me happened because BOTH wanted it. No one had to demand anything. If you need to give an ultimatum, you're already with the wrong person in the first place.
Happy marriages are very rare. 50% of marriages end in divorce and we can safely assume those were in the unhappy camp. Of the remained, it is estimated about 20% (i.e. 10% of total) are genuinely happy. So your selection of a the very few marriages that last the test of time to produce a happy outcome does not reflect the general reality.
@@dharmadasa66 You should do some research on the divorce rate because it's not 50%. Different socioeconomic groups have different divorce rates these days. Also the divorce rate is going down.
Power is about abundance (options). The good thing is that one can always increase his options. Alternatively project abundance mentality, but building abundance is better.
If you have 10 companies or women fighting to get you, the one who gets you will be more likely to treat you best knowing that you can walk away without any hesitations.
I disagree, an intelligent person doesn't treat you well because you have options, but because they love you and because you deserve it. A person having too many options may not be desirable for fear of his change of heart, or become self delusional just because many others desire him that he has the upper hand in a two person relationship
@@jjbuzz9230 News flash, someone always have an upper hand in the relationship. only a delusional person would think that both are equal in abundance and how they feel about the other person.
Let's be real, a man working at a average job is simply invisible to majority of modern women in the west, do them men not deserve love too. Women do not want a man that other women do not want (herd mentality and preselection from old programming). Many men have experienced this directly, when they have nobody - women are not interested. The moment they have someone or abundance other women become interested. Attempting to argue this point is just silly, a man who has abundance not only attracts more women but it also keeps the testing, nagging and complaining to minimum.
FYI, all this has nothing to do with intelligence, it has to do with survival. Women and men are set with different tools for survival.
Also, a man who has options is not necessary "self delusional" in contrast to a woman. Because for most men to obtain abundance he has to put in a LOT of work (just to satisfy the hypergamy and looks).
@@jjbuzz9230
The way you talk about love I'd assume you're female.
It's important to remember, that if you're in a relationship.......... True "power" is not measured by whomever is most dominate, whilst the other is submissive. This is a common misconception of those with deep rooted insecurities. To view your partner as an opponent instead of you teammate, is profoundly counterproductive.
If you lack the strength to be vulnerable within your relationship, and regard such thing's as "a sign of weakness." Then you have already proven YOU are the weakest link in your relationship. But just try to explain this concept to someone who has been operating this way. If they aren't the problematic party, they will be open to changing their approach, and giving this alternative a go. Because if it has the possibility of improving the relationship, then who wouldn't give it a try?
Answer- The insecure, problematic, manipulative, and emotionally inept party. That's who.
The one with power, like he said can be a big baby. And lazy. One doesn't live long without moving. While those who move for you are getting after it.
“Paulie may have moved slow, but it was only because Paulie didn't have to move for anybody.“ - Henry Hill (Goodfellas)
Karen! Will you grow up. I'm still gonna go out! (after she threw his keys out the window)
3 Easy Rules of Thumb Power is the Ability is to get other people to act in the service of your goals
1 Observe who moves the least - example Infants, Emotion Rules the Day
2 You need to Consider who is less committed than the other. Observe who issues Ultimatums more often.
3 Just Consider who has more Options than the other
Many men in relationships “surrender” their power willingly. Never a good idea. Great message here
Does that mean trees have power?
@@ContinueWithThatStatement I believe obviously, the trees silently carry ALL the power lol... good point , well made
Thank you for the summary.
Ultimatums are silly. NEVER issue a man an ultimatum. If you don’t like what he’s doing, quietly move on and let him keep his “power”. You keep your peace.
Only in a symmetrical SYSTEM are the dynamic forces equal. Relationships are, at the core nature, asymmetrical systems.
Imagine a seesaw, with the fulcrum perfectly in the middle. In order for that system to operate optimally (as children's seesaws are intended) fairly equal weight is required on both sides. Now imagine a seesaw with the fulcrum slightly off-center. In order for this system to work optimally, different weights are required. Both seesaws are "balanced."
Same with relationships. They are asymmetrical systems (simply due to biology), and so they are "balanced" when they are NOT equal. Attempting to force equal distributions of power are ultimately problematic for the system in the long-term.
i would imagine a relationship is several different see saws. physical. social. mental. emotional. sexual. the "power balance" of the relationship is the average of all of them. most women have the edge on sexual and social ("I can't always get another guy") and emotional (it's their ju-jitsu) which means only physical for the men. So, it's no wonder that it's become a taboo to use physical power at all, especially on a woman. So, women on average have an edge on almost all of the seesaws, unless the man is exceptional. Which is why most women don't respect most men. Respect requires power. which means you have to be better than she is in one or more of the seesaws.
@@Ezberron I think there's at least one more seesaw: financial resources. In most relationships, men have the advantage on the financial seesaw. In the long run, though, this advantage often doesn't mean very much, because it can be neutralized relatively easily. A woman can co-opt a man's financial resources just by saying "I want a divorce"...and then BOOM, she's automatically entitled to at least half of everything he owns, and she didn't even have to outcompete him in the marketplace in order to do it.
Have you ever noticed that when a man withholds money from his wife or tries to control how she spends the money he earns, people call that "financial abuse"? But when a woman does the exact same thing to her husband, nobody calls that abuse. It's the same with physical dominance...if a woman hits a man, most people don't consider that abuse and don't take it seriously. If a man hits a woman, it's considered abuse, and there are severe legal and social consequences for it. In other words, men exercising any kind of power over women is taboo, but women exercising power over men is condoned and even encouraged. This is all based on the assumption that women HAVE no power. Women as a group are essentially using their covert power to strip away men's overt power, and men are pretty much unable to fight back. Covert power is still power, and in many cases, it's superior to overt power. The idea that women have no power (or had none in the past) is verifiably false, and it's currently wreaking havoc on society and relationships. If you're a man, unless you can find a woman with a heart of gold who refuses to wield her power destructively or vindictively, you're fucked.
Part of the way we combat this is by dispelling the notion that women are powerless victims.
@@Ezberron Oh yes, a relationship is most certainly a complex machine with many integrated asymmetrical systems. And they are dynamic as well.
My seesaw analogy is only a crude way of explaining how balance can occur without equality.
@@Ezberronwhich is also why, in many countries, domestic violence is ‘acceptable’ to an extent. Or even normalized. Russia, most Spanish countries, etc.
@@kylemacdougall8355but who somehow convinced us that covert power doesn’t exist, or isn’t actually power?
Often, it’s ourselves or our parents hah. Or society. And who says things like domestic violence are truly terrible, and also not a justified reaction in some cases? (While providing few or no alternatives). Same.
The challenge is, if one starts rejecting many of these things, is the ‘natural’ alternative is…. Very, very concerning. Domestic violence is terrible. If no one has accountability to anything, and gets unhinged, and can’t or won’t leave/split, domestic violence is inevitable.
A useful balance is better, but requires subjugation to an outside group or party, since fundamentally the most dangerous people are the ones who refuse to be accountable to themselves. The police provide that for most criminal situations (aka domestic violence), but covert power is almost impossible to see or control that way. Usually that control has been provided by churches and social groups.
So things get unbalanced. Or fly apart.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is *Victoria Lee hess*, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Poor bastard!
My only disagreement with this is sometimes ultimatums come from a place of weakness. Besides that I agree 100%
When it comes to true love, power is rarely a priority. If it is a priority for the other person, then they are the wrong one for you. The need for power is for weak people, and they rarely make nurturing partners. Each other’s happiness is the north star ⭐️
Thank you, favorite comment, very underrated
Beautiful
Some people will also use the illusion of true love to get the other person to give, while they take.
It’s a very common manipulation tactic.
Being aware of the balance is important, to not get taken advantage of. Trying to manipulate or force someone into a specific power balance is always a fools errand.
If they won’t see the value to themselves of being in a specific place/balance, they’re not worth the work.
@@RUclipshandlesaresilly give it a rest, fear is what will destroy love. Obviously there is such a thing as being taken advantage of, but 9/10 you can tell from a mile away.
@@alexc1364 some people can. Those people tend to not need these videos. 😂
My girl gave me an ultimatum last year to marry her or she is walking… fast forward 9 months she is still here with no marriage. So who has the power if ultimatums are not acted upon?
It is not true that some people do not surrender power voluntarily. My mother taught me to be very codependent at a very early age so I found a very narcissistic woman to marry, voluntarily and with eyes wide open surrendering all power to her. This was a match made in heaven until I got too sick to keep her happy and after 27 years of being married to the perfect woman for me, she told me to leave.
Of course in the end it was the huge power imbalance that cause the marriage to fail, or was it that marriage is the only contract two people can enter where one person knows from the beginning they can and will break the contract at the right time and win cash and prizes. In any case, my point is that there is a significant portion of the population that wants to be dependent and not in control of anything as control means responsibility.
Thanks for your channel.
Regarding your ‘core emotional wounds’ video (attachment issues - ‘not good enough’ & ‘unlovable’)…. Could you recommend any books related to ‘mitigating’ and/or ‘fixing’ core emotional wounds? Thank you for your time. - John
Spot on. However the reason traditional relationships worked better in the past is complex and involve morals, societal values and family, peer, and religious pressures to do the right thing despite a power dynamic that may be unequal at times.
Historically, the church and other women kept women ‘in line’ through shame/ostracism/manipulation. The battleground was usually social venues and access to men through reputation.
The law and other men kept men in line through violence/ostracism/manipulation. The battleground was usually around resources - jobs/money, opportunity, and access to women through available resources (and reputation).
Neither of these is very effective in modern times, for a multitude of reasons - including both being neutered through threat of public exposure/shaming/manipulation/bypassing, and readily available ‘bypasses’ of traditional mechanisms. It’s all getting ramped up of course, to try to compensate, but it’s only working against a smaller and smaller portion of the population. that doesn’t mean it’s very effective overall on the whole anymore.
For instance, it used to be a problem if your local community hated you. Now, it’s rare that there even is a local community. Or that people know who you are, in many cases.
Hell, many people can still get food, income, sex, material goods, and income without ever being even seen by anyone except the specific person you’ve paired up with - and none of that transaction can even be seen or intercepted by local busybodies.
There used to be community enforcing consequences for both sides if they didn’t do ‘the right thing’. Men had to ‘settle down’ and get married, or they’d be considered ‘of bad character’ and unavailable for promotion or marriage (unless they knew how to produce massive wealth).
Women would be considered of bad character (and undesirable to marry or have kids with, and not protected by society) if they didn’t toe the line at church, had sex outside of ‘the rules’, got divorced, didn’t stay with the kids, were nasty to be around, etc.
Which could, and often did suck btw. Lots of domestic violence (male and female), suicide, murder, etc. but hey, fewer divorces and less loneliness? 😂
For better or worse.
I've concieved power to simply mean control, or moreso control over your lifes circumstances. Ultimatums are a declaration of powerlessness, otherwise why are you issuing them in the first place if you actually had control over your circumstances?
Whose name comes immediately to mind? Him? Her? ' I do' stated proudly? 'We both do' or ' it varies with situation'? Most of us don't like to think about ' power' when we think about relationships. Intimate relationships involve sharing and cooperation - but it takes two to share and cooperate. Thanks!
The infant in the relationship has the most power ... now it all makes sense.
Well, not really.
Because an infant in a relationship doesn't have any other *option* than to be with the current parents. Moreover, such an infant us certainly *committed* to be cared for by them. It will surely not escape from home. So points listed by Orion Taraban as no. 2 and 3 are zero in terms of power of an infant.
As someone aptly said, it is rather a cat that would match all three points listed here.
I agree with much of what you say here, but there is one X-factor you didn't mention. Money / Resources.
Money is just a way to get other people to move inline with your goals. in relationships, its more about the lifestyle you're sharing with them with rather than an allowance/paycheck. "if you like living in this nice house with this nice car, you'll let me lead." (which might work until the wedding, then you're in for a shock)
@@Ezberron yes and control of the purse strings in a relationship creates a power dynamic. I make 4x what my wife makes. She hates feeling like she has to ask… it’s the only thing really that I have any “hand” in to use the words of George Costanza. Yes if she splits the courts prob give her all of it so I have motivation to keep her happy on all fronts.
Moving less isn't more powerful, it is just more useless.
not necessarily
Somewhat disagree on your take regarding ultimatums. Ultimately, issuing ultimatums is a sign of powerlessness. Generally, if you have power over someone the ultimatum isn't needed; people will fall in line without you having to do anything. Only people negotiating from a position of weakness need to issue ultimatums to try and force compliance.
Most stories of a BF or GF giving an ultimatum is when the power dynamic is shifting and the person on the bottom is trying to rebalance things by changing/adding rules to the relationship as a way to regain their former leverage. Most women on top don't have to say "I'm going out with my girls this weekend and you'll just like it." out loud. they just do it because their BF at home is easily replaced if he acts up. It's only when he's actually a catch that she won't. but even then only if he said "no more girls trips" because nobody gives up power willingly.
The moment a woman uses emotional pressure on me, I'm out. I refuse to live under tyranny. To be fair, I give them a warning in the beginning of the relationship. Trouble is, women's memory is quite poor when they have to remember their responsibilities.
To be fair, unless she's had a strong father, she's never been told what to do. So, if you lay down a firm "don't do this" boundary, she's probably not going believe you *actually* mean it. Also, women use emotions the same way men use muscles. it's their go to for conflict resolution. So, the first time she doesn't get her way, she's throwing emotional hands. (which really should be as much a deal breaker as throwing actual hands, but that's another point)
@@Ezberron My response: "Do it to someone else."
I mean, unless she's poor and/or disabled, its always the wife. It starts off that way, ends that way.
He has to save three paychecks for a Diamond Ring. She only has to say yes or no.
They both take vows, but we all know who files for 70% of divorces.
The court system TENDS to want to award custody to the mother, and garnish wages and/or imprison on weekends the father if he isn't paying the ordered amount on time, whether capable or not.
She lives 10 years longer, having at least TRIED to keep her SMV, with several 'work husbands', beta orbiters, and friendzoned dudes that can always be converted into a new monkeybranch.
Let's not even mention the many dating site profiles she keeps up for simp validation, that keeps her confident and in touch with potential suitors.
When you look at the bottom line, in modern America, it is actually THE WORST MOVE a man can make to marry a modern woman. Her money is her money, and his money is her money. Their kids are her kids. Their house is her house. And all men, even ones he knows are potential replacements.
Women WANT children. They think they want romance and marriage. They have showed that is not the case, just the kids part. There is nothing new or better for men to do. They do not need to 'up their game' for moving goalposts.
Very simply, if women want children they need to change. Only men can give you children. And the office jobs that pay you well enough to look down on blue-collar men will mean nothing when gas is $10 a gallon and milk $20 a gallon as men are opting out of high-stress, high-danger jobs they would gladly suffer to come home to the beaming faces of their wife and children.
Once you establish who has more power in the relationship, great! Do you use that power to be a tyrant or do you use that power in service of your relationship?
Thanks you for making this video. I feel like it addresses a key issue that I have been struggling with in my own life. I found it rather empowering. I am hoping to take you up on a consultation when I can afford it!
Yes immature grown woman crys to police and destroys her marriage and damages here children's life. Karma for childishness when you should be adult
Is it really important to know who has more power in relationships? It is not a competition, or is it?
Oh that infant is a bad analogy. Fatally flawed in fact. The infant literally has no ability or authority to make decisions. It is not the person that acts but the person that decides whom should perform the task. Intent always trumps actions. I suggest you re-evaluate with authority for decisions as your lense. If I tell my partner to do something and we both expect that I have the authority tell her then I have the power. If my partner stumbles and I tell her to stop and let me help, I still have the power.
That flat screen in the background suggests you are powerful but my flat screen in bigger.
You're both weak for having a flat screen, but still balancing it on furniture.
Every sci-fi movie shows them mounted to the wall.
I Win.
If you're single, you have ALL your power. You don't have to negotiate how you spend your time, money, etc.
why even mention this if relationships are the discussion
@@sbrooks904 The point is to not get into relationships
@@mr.e5791 Fair call; but for many people, relationships are what elevate life above the mundane. Each to their own. I love being single.
Be Sigma male, Never make women the top priority in life. Make your health, career, hobbies, friends, relatives etc the top priority. Learn to live with or without women. Focus on yourself, work hard, make lot of money, have lot of fun. No strings attached. For kids look for asian gals.
I think you are right about the 3 fundamental questions you highlighted. However, I feel it is a bit more nuanced. For example - what if all three answers points to the same person but person has co dependency. In that case they would be likely to give up the power to thier partner.
They still have the power? Just depends if they feel that you're not better than the other they're gonna jump ship
@@Nbunasuis24no they don’t. Because codependency would cause them to need and chase after the one with less power.
It’s absurd to say a baby is the most powerful person in a family when in fact they are powerless.
No one in this lifetime will have a romantic relationship where they call all the shots. It goes back and forth until the relationship fades away. Since we are living longer. We will have multiple partners in our lifetime. Thats the way I see it from my personal observations of life with family/friends/co-workes who I interact with.
Well said
I want to say you are wrong, I just don’t have any evidence to do so 😅
I would say everyone who wants to call all the shots in any relationship, even most casual and non-romantic one is highly unlikely to build really long-lasting and benefitial relationships. Humans are rather strongly wired for reciprocity, with small exceptions, so without it if someone only seeks to win the struggle power all the time it really shows and it really puts people off.
Power is not granted, it is taken.
Women have the power 100%. They prefer a powerful decisive confident man who can lead, but at the end of the day women chose the relationship status, sex, and who and who doesn't get a chance. They do the divorcing, they do the friendzoning, they do the deciding who wants to move beyond friends, they decide who gets married, and so on. I realized long ago that men are the CEO's but behind the scene women are the board of directors who decides who gets to take the lead and stay a CEO or become one. The CEO acts powerful and runs day and day duties and provides leadership ... but at the pleasure of the board of directors. As men never bring up relationship status, marriage, or anything else related. She will walk you to the wedding ring store when she is ready. She will ask what are we? She will give you the signal it is ok to kiss her etc. When the guy does it she bails. Doesn't matter if she liked you 1 minute ago. lol.
I think the COO is more of the day-to-day, but I get the point. Like the relationship between a CEO and COO
Using your logic, then single men would be the most powerful
@@elchucapablas We are not. We are not chosen. When you are a bf you have been chosen as the best mate she can get ... for the moment. She leaves you when she thinks she can do better or she starts outearning you or gets skinner.
Those who seek power for power's sake are the ones least able to wield it properly or justly.
That's why we can't have nice things
You can often tell it pretty quickly within groups and couples, one is clearly submissive and the other takes the lead, body language, the amount they talk, lack of disagreements......
This can, and usually actually be inverted - is the one in the lead going in that direction because it is what both of them want? Or what the follower wants? Or just what the leader wants?
In a couple, the submissive is often being served by the leader by leading. Leading involves significant effort and risk.
For example, the housewife is often in a cushy and safe position, while the husband is off working to earn them both money. Especially in the modern world, where the majority of the household work is automated, and in high income situations where most of the child rearing work can be outsourced to Nannies.
Another example - the wife who wants to go out to eat, but refuses to pick is making the husband do the work of picking an option she will tolerate.
As folks in these situation are well aware - if he refuses to pick, or picks something she doesn’t like, it’s not like she’ll just make them both an acceptable dinner. 90% of the time anyway.
And if he picks something she doesn’t like and forces the issue, it’s not like he’ll get an enjoyable experience. One way or another, he’ll be miserable in proportion.
One of them would be seen as ‘dominant’, but really who is being served here, and who is in control? 😂
Or, it can be the other way around. The only way to tell is discernment of the actual details.
Women do and by far margin. They benefit for staying in the relationship. They benefit -even more- for breaking the relationship. They have the power to stay and the power to leave, therefore they are in control.
If you simply apply the 3rd rule you mentioned on who has more options, then women will almost ALWAYS possess more power. Which is a fact of life. This is why most men appear powerLESS in modern relationships. Instead, men should attempt to act like the opposite. Some slightly exaggerated sense of confidence will go a long way. Some call this “cockiness”
Power can often be like sand in the hand - the more you grip it, the less you have. We also get to define the frame in which we operate. In certain frames, it may be completely not up to us to increase our power, unless something outside our control changes the circumstances. In other frames, we can have all the power we want by default. Thus, someone in a concentration camp may not be able to escape - his body is physically constrained within that space. However, he can be completely sovereign in his mental/emotional state (if he is present enough to consciously manipulate his frame). Nothing his guards (or anyone else) can do will affect his mental/emotional state unless he lets it happen. This power cannot be taken away. It can only be forfeited (or never claimed to begin with).
Power is a perception, the only way a partner in a relationship can have more "power" is if the other partner perceives it.
Ya ok
I'm 64 and you are saying much of what I've always felt / believed, but certainly couldn't express myself, you are providing a gigantic gift to humanity, THANK YOU, I wish I could give $50B to promote you, please don't stop until you've mastered 'Loving like the sun' !!
This is why the man controls the commitment by default, because the risk to reward ratio is against us monumentally that the man must really be CERTAIN that he wants to do what he's about to do.
Thats why I want to be the baby in any relationship. 😁
Just wanted to know if you ever watched the podcast fresh and fit. And if you haven’t you should definitely check them out. They seem to agree with a lot of the things you say just more harsher.
A uniform may be a sign of “competence,” but they’re often filled with confident incompetence.
One thing is for sure though - they’ll follow orders.
Take a picture and draw the green lines... Who leans in, who does the claw, etc.
Second example, the employer and the employee both has power but its always varies based on the circumstances. The employer responsible for deadline and delivery of results, without employee can not succeed or would be less efficient. Especially replacing and employee who is well experienced and effective. In this example the employee has power too.
My 2cent.. women have more power cos women like details..
But here is the trickier part.. men gain more power in those marriage.
Women will always expand.
Babies and other stuff..
Friends moms etc etc..
So letting women gain power actually benefit the men. But sometimes the men want to get the decision making. So he really need to put on leash on his family. Love, care, more love.. he needs to really hold his own power(which is money)
And expect food sex as rewards(to maintain his happiness)
He who cares less, wins.
Some people don't issue ultimatums. I don't want someone around me who is doing things just because they'll suffer if they don't. Either want to or get away from me
I am less committed. I don’t give ultimatum’s to her to change for me but if she tries to change me and I don’t agree I just say no, and sometimes remind her we don’t need to continue being together if her problem is big enough I suggest her solution could be to end it with me
actually in this day and age employers need much more the empleyees then vice versa. otherwise they can do the work themselves if no one wants to work for them.
Putting herself out on IG in the first place will leave her no options with a wise man. It's also helpful to maintain the option to leave. You keep your place, she keeps hers. If anyone becomes too unreasonable or irrational the other can simply smile and head for the door. Or show the door if the look doesn't make it clear. Someone said "Talking is overrated." Seriously guys, an ultimatum should always be met with an immediate no. Caving to that sort of BS sets a precedent and you'll get to eat a lot more of it in the future.
How someone responds to an ultimatum shows their position. "GTFO" or "Yes, Dear"
@@Ezberron My experience has been just a simple no and the BS goes away. Or she continues to be delusional and is shown the door. Usually the sales pitch comes within a week or two.
There are rare soulmates like Paul and Linda McCartney that had equal love and liking for each other
the idea that one can invoke emotions like pressing in a button is ridiculous, emotional manipulations regardless of its form, must be accepted, condone by the other until it does not, if what suggested were true people could do this consistently every time with the same person and others which not is the case
There are so many of these rude asymmetries in relationships. And it's funny that we can't just speak plainly in our relationships about these things. There really are things that humans aren't reasonable enough to discuss in the open air.
"Frame is every thing." ― Rollo Tomassi Iron Rules #1
The one that doesn't care.
One of my female customers said something about men having power. I said " I doubt there's a divorced man in this country who would say that men have lots of power." Her response was "Good point." The person with the vagina has all the power. Maybe some male celebrities or fabulously wealthy men have the kind of power that most women take for granted.
Ha, ha. When I would have a difference of opinion with an ex-GF of mine, she would coo, "Whoooooo is the owner / keeper of the pu$$y??"
... no, she doesn't necessarily. that is: only as long as we're interested. but we know the overall package utility now, don't we ?!
They get robbed too. The laws and society provide the leverage.
This guy understands nuance like a cat does aerobics
So in other words....
The one who is least committed, has a knack for compartmentalizing (which is easy for noncommittal individuals) keeps their "options" open, and can't be bothered to put fourth an equal effort towards the relationship....... They have more power?
Just so we're clear here..... It's highly likely THAT individual would be firmly planted in the Cluster B set of disorders.
I think you forgot the "o" in the middle of your channels name.
Of course it could've been a strategic omission. A premeditated tactic often used by certain individuals. Dishonest individuals. For reasons such as "plausible deniability." If ever they are exposed, or at risk of exposure.
Although it's generally a bad idea to use the word "hack" when wanting to be seen as a professional in any field of study.
Would that qualify as a "Freudian Slip" or just an instance where you've inadvertently told on yourself?
Real power is the ability to change nature. Can you make it rain?
If a woman has options that look more advantages to them, you day's in that relationship are probably numbered.
That’s not power my friend, that’s a decision, the real power would have been trying to work it out, that’s lacking power. Hence the decision.
It’s interesting to notice how some people have a habit of issuing “false ultimatums” as tests of their own power.
Omg. So true. This girl has never visited me in my city. We live 1 hour and 20 minutes ago from each other….. in 4 months , she paid no visit to me. She holds all the cards, but wrote me away 3 weeks ago.
The person who can and will walk away if their boundaries are crossed.
The definition of power is capacity, not lack of action. Even socially, it’s what a person is capable of. Your second and third conditions attempt to describe this, but your first directly contradicts it. The rich are powerful not because people do everything for them, but because they can compel everyone to do someone. It’s not the act that demonstrates the power. It’s the ability to predictively compel the act, the potential. ‘Who moves the least’ may describe a sufficient condition, but consider that the infant’s power rests ENTIRELY on the good will and capacity of the caretaker. The infant has zero potential to effect its will. It doesn’t even have a describable will. The infant is utterly POWERLESS. Without its caretakers, it will die. Period. Even without considering the matrix of relative power relationships within the family, who moves the least nearly always does so at the leisure and discretion of the one who moves the most, and at a whim, the one who moves the most can normally completely and utterly upturn the others’ entire lifestyle. The ability to exist, lazily, on the graces of those who actually possess great capacity is not power. This is best described as a state of grace. I do understand what you were going for here, but you should study power far more directly, both it’s modern and post modern versions, because you’ve utterly missed on this one.