How MEN MESS UP new relationships: learning to tolerate insecurity
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
- New relationships are often delicate things: missteps committed at this stage of the courtship process aren't as easily forgiven. In this episode, I'll discuss the most common way that men unintentionally bring promising relationships to a premature conclusion, and how to prevent this happening to you. The key is to understand that uncertainty and insecurity are your allies during the rapprochement stage.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #dating #relationship
New relationships are often delicate things: missteps committed at this stage of the courtship process aren't as easily forgiven. In this episode, I'll discuss the most common way that men unintentionally bring promising relationships to a premature conclusion, and how to prevent this happening to you. The key is to understand that uncertainty and insecurity are your allies during the rapprochement stage.
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Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/
Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks
Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
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Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com.
GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993
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Book a paid consultation:
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oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode
Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com
Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #dating #relationship
I'll find resistance in myself when the time comes to do this I predict. I'll rewatch this so I'll understand better & be more ready when the time comes, which I'm in the middle of anyway(a blessing). The mind is complex. I'm Appreciative with your help in understanding.
Proverbs 4:7
[7]Wisdom is the principal thing; Therefore get wisdom. And in all your getting, get understanding.
What if you have already told her you like her. She wasn't interested. you gave her all the space and went about your life, then she comes back like "you dont talk to me again since we last spoke". how do you respond to that?
@@1MVEntGlobal just live your life and tell her you've been busy. Don't act petty by saying stuff like "well, you rejected my interest etc." If you still want her in her life (if you think she's now interested) just keep the door (to spending time together) open.
The biggest thing channels like this avoid earning Men is how many women will try to TRAP a man by trying to get pregnant or keep pressuring the man to marry her then she can legally take his money and steal his children with 70% DIVORCE rate among younger generations (note the 58% divorce rate is skewed by including people from 60-103 years old).
Fu"k why is it so complicated to be a Human sometimes I wish I was a dog it must be simpler being a Dog 🐕🐕🐕
After I got divorced I started dating a woman and after a few dates she said "why don't you call me everyday?" so I did and she broke up with me on our next date. Lol.
They never know what they want.
She asked you why dont you not please do it.
@@easyw1220 no, she wanted me to communicate much more.
@@MrBoxofplasticshe doesn't want you doing what she's saying because she herself doesn't know what she's saying
This was one woman. Stop basing your entire view of all females based on your myopic experience. Men explaining what and how women think is a bad idea. Ask a woman who has a good head on her shoulders.
1. We panic
2. We worry about "what if"
3. We lose our frame
4. We stop prioritizing ourselves
Well some people are quite Good at serving their own need and vanity I am assuming you are an American if it's one thing I have noticed about Americans they are Quite good as serving their own need and vanity I will say that a Country that has to tell itself it's the best in World is not the best in the World
While it's true that some Americans might exhibit self-interest and vanity, these traits are hardly unique to any nationality; they're part of the human condition. As for claiming to be the best, sometimes it's less about boasting and more about building self-confidence, a tactic not limited to any one country.
Don't prioritize yourself prioritize what can't fail, like God or virtue. Why hold a fallible self up as a priority? Sounds doomed.
It all comes down to fear. We all have two choices when it hits us. You either can listen to it and give in/ give up, then the failure follows. OR, you can sense that fear when you feel it coming on and say F*CK YOU. Im done being afraid, its time to live my life. As soon as you let go of fear and doubts in life, literally EVERYTHING gets better. Keep your heads up brothers❤
fuck yeah
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
"Familiarity breeds contempt."
"Always leave them wanting a little more."
@doomguy9049 -
"Familiarity" breeds comfort. and trust. and they'll be ok with a little more.
Temporary absence breeds appreciation, and assures of freedom instead of "clinging"
The problem is that familiarity breeds comfort and security for me. So the more I like someone, the more I want to be close with them. The more I hate someone, the more I want them away from me.
@@limitlesssky3050 comfort and contempt exist on the same path: comfort is in the middle, contempt is towards the finish and it's opposite novelty is at the beginning. We don't all walk it at the same speed or arrive at the same destination, but we all start at the beginning and to get to contempt you have to pass through comfort(familiarity).
@@doomguy9049 🤦♂️
That's seriously messed up
@@mtlicq What do you mean?
My sister told me, never chase a woman who isn't into you. I've seen relationships where after years both partners still text and call each other every other hour, and relationships where both people touch base weekly. Find someone who is just as attached or "disengaged" as you are. Never chase women. And never over-match her interest in you.
Once you find that lady who thinks youre amazing you'll realize how shallow all these other mind games were. And youll never look back. But you have to work on yourself.
Problem is: people change
I would rephrase. Never chase a woman, period.
I feel this 100%. I had issues with this in my 20s, but for the past 3 years I’ve been single working on myself after a terrible relationship during Covid. I started dating in the last quarter of last year, with a lot of success. Eventually I met my now girlfriend.
It felt effortless with her, I never had to sit and strategize when and how to text her, I just felt comfortable being myself with her, and she feels comfortable being herself with me. Don’t chase people who aren’t right for you
Amen. I totally agree. It isn't about always acting distant and detached but actually finding a woman that reciprocate but better yet is more into you. It makes things more simply. It also helps for them to know that you're willing to walk away despite your interest in her.
I dialed it back - I give my new guy lotsa space and I don't ask him why didn't you call me yesterday ?? It's working , I feel strong foing that and he's calling more. All is good
This guy is wayyyyyy better then those “dating coaches”
Coach Corey Wayne teaches the same.
Because he has a degree in psychology lol
Most women want commitment, but not from a guy that wants to commit. She wants to think she's breaking a stallion. If we just focus on bettering ourselves, pursuing our passions and treat women like an afterthought it works best for everyone. Simp at your own peril.
Yes, they want to feel like they need to fight tooth and nail for your attention.
This is why good men end up alone.
They're so backwards 😂
so true and so frustrating… it makes 0 sense, why are women like this
@@ilikepancakes2368Good men don't end up alone. Simps and nice guys do. You don't need to be a bad boy to get women. Just be consistent in your character. Show competence, a strong character, ambition, decisiveness, good sense of humor, don't be a clown, but don't take yourself too seriously etc
Most men who feel the need to lock a woman down 24/7 usually have optionality problems, so they’re operating in a state of desperation. Men with options rarely even want to be in relationships, which is why they can be laid back throughout their dating lives. If you’re having these problems, work on expanding your options and cultivating an interesting lifestyle that becomes the center of your life.💯
I'm calling b.s. on this video as he's only talking about simps.
all these tactics are for dating whores not for relationships between healthy people
What if you're in a relationship after few months of dating and she still wants to take vacations at the beach alone and go to bars and stuff with friends. Should a guy still not care, end the relationship, or what?
@@MonsieurCashow This is a woman showing you who she is, but you’re refusing to believe her.
@@Khan-rz8qido you mean "who she is" like not long-term material?
This also applies to when she dumps you. Immediately begging and pleading for her to take you only strengthens her decision that she did took the right action. It's easier said than done but men must "respect" her decision, not plead and grovel with her to take you back. Disappear from her life by giving her what she wanted ie space, you out of her life. Get busy with yourself. Get busy with working out at the gym. Get busy with your buddies. Get busy with OTHER women! Do not contact your ex but move on with your life just as she's has moved on with hers. She may miss you and reach out to you OR she may never reach out to you, but YOU have to remain strong and keep busy doing other things to take your mind off of her. Improve yourself, improve your behavior and keep busy with bettering yourself.
This applies for men and women when things end.
Some problems with this approach tho. There are countries like mine, where men could be 100% dependent on other people if they are unemployed, and such a person can be partner. It's all easy in America where everyone owns a house and has a job. This is 100% impossible to understand for Americans. For example, my genetics and zero skillset have given me almost the worst life imaginable. I'll never have any independency.
@@cockcarousel
Who lied to you and told you that everyone in America owns a house and has a job? 😂🤣
@@mahdman3 No one. It's a result of my own observing of people. At least one thing is for sure: it's easier to achieve decent life in America (to own a house etc) than here in Europe.
Most of men find that other women are a way inferoir. A woman finds a new, better man within some week.
I swear anxious attachment ruins all my new relationships/friendships. I'm actively aware of it, but I can't stop myself from feeling these insecure feelings
The Personal Development School on YT was a game changer for me. I feel securely attached after years of operating with a Fearful Avoidant style and had no idea I was doing it!
Personal development school helped me as well - it took me two years of consistent effort to notice when I was feeling anxious and cognitively interrupt myself and take deep breath, and learn how to soothe myself before it became a moderate skill. Anxious attachment is not a condemnation, rather a description of skills you have yet to learn. Don’t identify with the label, use information around that label to develop the skills to change the feelings you have that you don’t like.
I’d say start with the phrase’ “ I can’t stop myself” … you’re not going to get very far if you can’t stop yourself from an impulse. I was there at the beginning too. Dive deep on getting in control of your own mind. This goes way beyond relationships. Gain control of your own mind.
youre putting your life on the line to protect her when having a girlfriend and you should be ok with it when she doesnt show integrity? ok
Attachmemt styles are a lie that commercial psychology sold everyone, it is just unhealed traumatic experieces is not set on stone
Knowledge about psychology is a must have skill in our time.
Greetings from Morocco 👋
So true
The term Psyche (Latin) comes from the Greek Psukhē, which means "breath, life and soul". And -ology comes from Logos which refers to Word Logic, Reason, Wisdom, etc etc
So, Psychology means the Logic of the Soul.
Yes, the traditions that were built up around relationships (and probably based on some psychological reality) are largely up for negotiation so we have to work things out from scratch, to some extent. So understanding it from first principles helps a lot
Actually, confidence, authenticity and listening is better.
@@paulhampel8084 why not have the whole lot, including an understanding of psychology?
I fucking love that you pretty much need a psychology degree to date these days
You do? guess you like playing life in hard mode. A lot of us are forced to play in hard mode anyways. Glad you're enjoying life.
Yep. Women have changed so much. They've been ruined.
@@mustangstuff7213they’ve always been like this 😂 they just have the opportunity to pick and choose now. Stop complaining about women and work on yourself.
The more i pay attention, honestly, the more i think this is a major falicy caused by a lack of awareness from multiple parties. If 2 people are mature and self aware, they can choose to cocreate whatever it is they want.. finding those women is rare tho, for sure. Being able to self reflect and comeback and be humble is very difficult for most humans. @Avogadros_number
“You merely adopted the anxiety. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t get into a relationship until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BINDING!”
Jokes aside, I love your videos.
I feel your pain. I was lucky at 13 met a girl who basically jumped on me and did the work. Dating sucked with anxiety. Now at 40 I'm confident, married with 4kids and great paying job. Woman regularly hit on me because I'm confident and don't care. Go figure. 😂
Bane lol
We're living in a clown world. Just say it.
💆♂️
Thanks Orion!! Your content has helped me to better understand men and women relationships and men dynamics. I find your messages quite entertaining and educational. The short format helps as well. Thanks sooooo much😊
0 replies to €119.99 comment? Lemme fix that.
@@dudejoe8390 they resent him for the €0.01, cheap bastard (I'm kidding 😂)
Imagine giving 120 euros and getting ignored. 🤡
@Damesanglante who's to say he did it for attention from losers like you? Maybe he just appreciates the content and wanted to make a donation. You're the only clown I see here
@@Damesanglante that doesnt happen even with a hooker :D
Speaking from experience, guys just casually date as many women as you can at once. Be honest and upfront and let women know you're talking to/seeing other people. Then slowly prioritize the one who seems to be really wanting to earn you and lock you down, or just whichever one seems to be the most relationship material.
Then simply tell the others you started something serious unexpectedly and need to call things off for now. Don't burn bridges, since things can change at a moment's notice. This is how women do it, and it attracts women because they can see clearly that you have options and are desired and therefore worth locking down.
The options and abundance mindset will make sure you're not being needy, overtexting, emotional when she pulls back or tests, etc. Also don't delete your dating profiles, just uninstall them. If you start noticing the woman getting bored or pulling back during the relationship, you can just reinstall and build those options back to soften the coming blow or to use as a preemptive exit strategy.
Remember they want what others may be getting, but when they get then they don't want it anymore, now that they have deprived the others of it ( modern women).
@@user-uk1pe7bj4f That's why I recommend not deleting the dating apps or burning bridges with other women. Had to learn that the hard way
Thats stupid i dont want a guy who is whoring around and neither should any decent women!!
For people that want the same content in less words, the strategy can be summed up with one word.
"Juggle"
Not many guys have the looks, status or game to casually date as many women as they want. That's why most are stuck in desperation mode lol. Most play the male orbiter/guy friend role to sniff some feminine energy.
I think main message of this video is a correct one: don't try to lock women down to calm your own insecurity. However that can easilt turn to playing games, or trying too much to act avoidant will just blown in your face later, when she will a) discover your true nature b) realize that she fell in love with someone she actually doesn't like. So, I think the main point is actually getting to secure place, where you can communicate straight how you feel to a women, without reeking desperation. And that is done by achieving inner security and mindset, ans having a solid life you live for yourself. Not by faking it. Because then it is just a fake signal of security, and will lead you both to dissapointment and a wrong match later on the road.
If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, the early parts of dating seem to present fewer issues.
Definitely makes this stage work for you with little to no effort.
How is dismissive-avoidant attachment going to get you in a relationship in the first place?
When most girls think that you are disinterested in them in the first place? And them mirroring you, which makes it seem every girl is rejecting you?
Sincerely, a dismissive-avoidant.
Yeah, works for girls you don't actually like
@@cj548lol so true
For real though lol I’m just regular avoidant and I wouldn’t know I was dating if she didn’t come out and say it. It takes a while for me to warm up to a girl but unfortunately I pull wayyyy too many fearful avoidant types that are less than stable
As always...accountability and responsibility is on the man.
That's the way nature intended it to be. The man is meant to lead the woman. That's the reason modern day feminism is actually a threat to the future of humanity lol.
Or tell women to pound sand. Use them and never commit
Yes because we’re supposed to be leading. The main reason the modern female is messed up is because the modern male has allowed them to get away with literally everything. Stay Focused!
That’s just burden (or responsibility) that men are born with. We have to steer our own ships and hold ourselves to a standard. Women are inherently going to test yours to understand what kind of man you are and it’s your responsibility to be unwavered and not fold for women who aren’t worth your energy and resources. You might benefit from a change in perspective man ✊🏼
@@Gorillaman01 OK? that does not negate my statement. If what I say is true, women should be in no positions of authority....no voting, no company leadership, no government leadership. Authority without responsibility is insanity.
Absolute gas doctor. I sent your page to my buddy, and it is really helping him out as well. We were both raised by liberal mothers and the concept of disappointing women was a non-starter to us. You’ve really helped us reframe our lives.
This is a global issue.
Here in Tokyo all the ladies say "-I miss men from the Shōwa Era."
They mean that guys today are much too soft and they miss the masculine men who just takes her by the hand and leads her into a night of fun.
@@pcap8810Most progressive liberal feminists are completely delusional.
@@HimarariCancun I'm not saying you should never walk away from them. I'm saying that Japanese men don't walk in either. You should shoot your shot, get laid, once the BS starts -> you leave. This won't work with American women tho because they are broken and malicious by design.
I have the same story as you and your buddy. And I learnt the same lesson as you did. It’s enlightening and liberating. I suddenly feel ‘in control’
The problem is that the are not really masculine, that's why they are shamed
Most important lesson: make sure they like you more than you like them. This is a natural dynamic
Most of this in and out stuff should be determined before you sleep together. That is part of the problem. If you date for 2 months and are not banging you will know much about the emotional complex of a person without being overly invested. I know you all say it is a waste of time, bang after two dates or skip her but it takes time to understand someone and looking from the outside of a close sexual relationship gives you a clearer view.
There is no relationship without banging. Sex is the glue. Sex is honest.
Agreed, I was never able to commit to women I banged on 1st meet and that has been like 95% lol.
@@hotlucky5622sex has never kept a women either.
You a real one. No sex = emotional clarity
This is true, the problem is that sex clouds your judgement. If you can get along well before sex, then sex becomes an enhancement, and not the basis of your relationship. I've dodged bullets more than once, because I didn't sleep with a girl who clearly wanted to do so as quickly as possible to get her claws into me. Also if you are reliant on sex as the main tie of your relationship, you can pretty much guarantee that one or the other will be looking elsewhere anytime the relationship or life faces some sort of difficulty. That said, it's not reasonable either for a sexually refusing partner to expect continuing commitment in an LTR, as this is a very explicit and direct form of rejection.
‘Give people the gift of your absence’. Fantastic !
Needed to hear this! Thank you Dr. Taraban
Reminds me of a song I heard that helped me through a bad relationship - “hold on loosely , but don’t let go - if you cling too tightly you will lose control …”
This is ridiculous… If a woman that otherwise likes you, literally stops liking you solely because you started to show her that you also like her, something is seriously wrong with that woman. There’s a whole lot of distance between being needy and over communicating and just simply showing interest, and showing interest should not and WOULD not lessen your chances with a woman that actually likes you… I’ve been around enough women that you’re not gonna sit here and convince me that this makes sense, bruh…
I'm a woman who hates playing games. I'm the type that tells it like it is and I expect the same from a man.
I think you're both right, but he does have a point In where you can't give yourself 100% to a woman at the BEGINNING of a relationship
"There’s a whole lot of distance between being needy and over communicating and just simply showing interest" - your problem is that you dont realise that distance is different for different women. And depending on how much she likes you. A girl not liking that much will have lower tolerance, woman liking you more - will have higher tolerance for you showing interests. You base your assumptions only on women who like you A LOT. And such women will tolerate more of you fucking up in every regard - not just over texting.
@@brendamartini2165...the words of a game player....😅
They're all broken
This man provides value to Men like no one other.
It's so sad that people have to spend their time on all these endless games. The time they could use to build a house, to start a family...
welcome to modern western society. This is what we deal with if we all want to have free love and equality. Get used to it, or move to India and have an arranged marriage.
It’s so funny how life conveniently puts valuable information in your path exactly when you need to hear it. Thanks for your perspective!
Or a month afterwards.
Haa! I started dating this woman who I thought was way too distant. Like never initiating calls or outings, never texting me unless I text. When I do text, she usually sends one or two word answers etc... When I invite her somewhere like a park or restaurant, she'd always say she's busy. She was nice and cute but too distant for my liking, so I started being distant too, not intentionally but because I was seriously losing interest in her. After a few weeks, she'd drive to my home uninvited (never did before) and ask why I don't talk to her anymore. I mean, how to you expect me to stay interested in you when you're so fking distant.
For sure, with her being so distant, I started feeling insecure because every time I asked her if she was truly interested in dating she'd send a 1 word answer yeah. I could never talk about some deep things with her because she was just too distant, I thought why talk to someone about deep things when she doesn't care. I tried to bring her there, a cool and relaxed atmosphere but I felt like she was fighting to be distant. I'm not pursuing this girl anymore but after watching this video, I wondered if I made the right decision and I think I did. While dating her, I felt more alone than when I was single.
@@countdowntorevolution9986 Or 5 years afterwards....
Whatever. We're here now!
@@awakenedone7577 I dated one like that for a short stint. Some of the most amazing sex I've had and, despite her amazing personality, she was bat shit crazy. I kid you not.
This, from the gender that always puts "tired of the games" in their online dating profiles.
No they love it. I had an old girlfriend complain to me that we didn't row enough and that we were too nice to each other. Go Figure. I think in essence they want to see emotional investment from you, even if it is negative emotions, it is better than no emotion. They will invoke and provoke it if you dont give it to them. In the form of shit tests and other silly games.
@@matthewcoombs3282Those are usually insecure and bored females. There is no way someone who legit had something going for them in life would focus on drama to spice things up.
They are attracted to the guys who can afford to play games.... And want them to stop playing games for them and then only
@@rougebaba3887 Yea it's all about ego. Power and control. That's really what most things in life come down to.
People often don't realize the games that we play.
I always thought it was courteous to contact the lady afterwards. Polite, I have been doing this wrong my entire life!!!! Holy s#!t. Thank you Doctor!!
Not many" ladies" out there anymore, they are racking up their body count.
This man has changed my whole perspective on things when it Comes to women. I used to be so jaded and upset about women and how the acted. They treated me like any other dumb guy and I felt disrespected. It has always bothered me that men were the only ones who had to admit they didn't understand the other sex. This guy has really lifted my spirits when it comes to relationships.
There is an old adage which says: "If you love someone set them free. If they come back to you then they were truly yours." I feel this was the Dr.'s message.
Usually I hear this in the context of breaking up. But this video seems to imply it should be a more regular, habitual practice.
This makes perfect sense! I wondered what I did wrong to make women lose interest. Now I see why the women whom I cared less about their lives and what they were doing are actually the ones who are more interested in me.
@ImAKangwithnokingdomI completely agree with you. That makes perfect sense. My life should always be my number 1 priority, not yours. If I met you a few months ago and suddenly you are my entire life's purpose, then something is wrong big time. In this case, the girl must run for the hills.
@ImAKangwithnokingdom wow, you just helped me stumble upon another reason not to date single mothers -
Even if they are actually busy and spending their time doing anything other than contacting you, it's probably her being busy raising another man's kid.
That's not only utterly uninteresting, it's actually worse than her being boring and contacting you too much.
Lies. That makes no sense.
Women don’t fake interest…😂
This is gold right here. And all truth. This is where a lot of men crack, especially in today's dating game where everyone is distracted. One has to be able to pique their interest and not smother them with attention. Best way to do this is to be genuinely busy.
Makes sense. The toddler analogy is perfect. Thankyou again. You are changing lives..for the better.
It's amusing, yet disappointing how much advice for dealing with women basically boils down to "Treat her like an overgrown toddler."
I love the videos, doing us men everywhere a major service!
There's a reason for that.
@@SKBottomright
😂 this is the way
the same sentiment is shared by several videos for women on how to deal with men in dating and marriage
Orion, in 9 minutes, 12 seconds you have nailed me precisely. Thank you very much. Have a wonderful day.
impeccable advice. And those who have been there and done it know that it's solid
I appreciate you having recorded so many segments so I can listen repeatedly when I desire.
Thank you for all the work, really helpful and clearly formulated!
I understand what you’re saying dr and it makes perfect sense as usual …but this video is also reaffirming the notion that women need to be treated like children…I knew I’ve been right about that this whole time-lol
that was my thought too, treat women like children. im wondering if that same thought process works when you post yourself with other girls on social media, etc like a child wants something the other kid has just because the other kid has it.
Bingo 🎯
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 - They're children, everyone knows that.
No voting, no running companies, no running countries...... They should be treated according to their maturity level.
Men mess up new relationships by getting into them.
Stop playing the rigged game. Stop being settled for. Guys, you do you, work on friendships and purpose. Find balance and joy.
Being settled for? What's wrong with being in a relationship iif you take your time with getting into one and everything is fun in the dating stage? Just don't make her the center of your life. Women are an extra, not an essential.
This message is so deep and accurate that is almost scary. Thank you doctor!
Thank you, Orion, for this wonderfull message!
It amazes me how much Ryan breaks down the no simping rules and why they work!
You nailed it. Being really empathic I always tried to reassure the woman after a ONS or a first encounter, basically not wanting her to feel used or unwanted, but I realise it never procuded any good results in furthering a relationship.
As a woman, Any women who sleeps with you on the first date is most most likely not a keeper, occasionally she is and is very secure in her choices. That women she has no expectations because she knows ONS is not a promise. That said, did it occur to you, that she was using you? You know empathy is being present with someone to what they are actually experiencing, not projecting your judgement. Women don’t need your reassurance. They most likely don’t feel shame. Just be kind, no need to fawn.
Thank you so much! Your videos are very insightful!
I needed this doc I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help us! Keep it going!
fits perfectly with my experience.. learned these the hard way.. dudes! he is right! listen to him
Dr. Orion, thank you. This video and your emotional attachment video have relieved so much weight from my heart. I hope I didn't screw up too bad from my last interaction but at least now I can improve going forward.
Another great video putting a lot of advices into a understandable frame. Thanks for your work, Sir!
Beautifully said. I've been making those mistakes for multiple short and long term relationships. Time's are gonna change though, thanks for all of the great content Orion.
This is spot on man. Needed this reminder. Thanks 🔥
I made this mistake when I was 17. She broke up with me with a look of disgust. I then dated an average chick I ignored and the roles were reversed. I broke up with her with a look of disgust at the game, but she took it personally saying I used her.
I hated the rules of the game so much, wanting simple intimacy and romance.
That is the holy grail. (very rare today)
There's no game when the person really likes you, plain and simple. You didn't make any mistake: if that girl loved you the same she would have been amazed by that aproach. Would a girl be "scared" by her 10/10 crush securing her? No way.
@ImAKangwithnokingdom In an ideal world that would be the case. Meanwhile, we have relationship gurus telling men that they’ll scare women off if they text too often which is probably true in many cases. Hence the need to play games. Woman are emotionally complicated creatures. IMO, If it were up to men there would be no games. But the fickle nature of female mating preferences seems to necessitate them, unfortunately.
@ImAKangwithnokingdomyou may not be like that but majority of women are. Also I dated a woman like you, very recently. Thought she was different, didn’t play games, straightforward. What happened? I lost her because I didn’t play certain attraction games right the right way. All women crave games, wether they realize it or not.
@ImAKangwithnokingdom Then you are a unicorn. Let me ask you this, if a man came up to you and said “Hey, you’re hot. Want to have sex?”, what’s your response?
Top-notch episode, absolutely brilliant!
Genius. Once again, an insightful and amazing take on human nature. Thank you, my man
This is where I messed up with the last 2 women. expressing my feelings to soon let them be unsure
A+ for this presentation!!! Perfection !
Great video again doc. You have a gift of explaining things.
Awesome advice. I'll be using this mindset in my current relationship. Thanks
This is assuming she's a virgin who's legitimately courting multiple men in a platonic matter to determine their compatibility for marriage and family-rearing they want to work. If she's sleeping around, I don't accept it as courtship and I'm not tolerating wandering because I'm not making a sch-luh't the mother of my future children.
This video is talking about the period of the first few dates. Expecting someone to commit to you after meeting you just once or twice is ridiculous.
@@talknight2
I know, and I'm talking about only doing that with well-raised, religiously devoted virgins (presumably young ones who have a dowry of youth to pay) that are committed to the future husband they haven't met yet. If I am confident the girl I'm dating is most probably like that then I have no problem if she dates other men and "wanders", because she's looking for the future, God-fearing and strong husband who'll be expected to lead her and their family to whom she'll be a loyal, dedicated helpmeet and mother to his children...and if she DIDN'T date around, platonically, in the search thereof, how could she ever be confident she made the right decision if she chose _ME?_
If females are sleeping around or have slept around however, I'm indifferent to the wandering because they're not worthy of my money, energy, attention, and time. It's evident to me that we're talking about two entirely different sets of females. The ones _I_ date I don't expect to commit to me immediately because I know they're, most likely, NOT fucking other men so thus, there's no need to "mate guard" and if they peruse many prospective patriarchs and find _me_ to be the best of them all, _I'm_ gratified. Personally, I want to _know_ I'm the best a girl thinks she can achieve because I don't want to worry about her doubting her initial choice when the marriage inevitably points of tension.
_You_ have to convince yourself not to compel commitment because _you_ have the average "woman" in mind, and that's okay because, brother, you can have all the sch-luh'ts you want; I've no intention of competing in _THAT_ market.
@@talknight2It happens though. Some people can just click on the first date.
It would explain why she's always mad when plan B is no longer available.
Wow, talk about hitting the nail on the head! Thank you very much for this one :)
This channel is pure gold. Thanks for teaching so many important things.
lol good luck with this
This is the first of your videos I’ve seen recommended from an Instagram reel. As angry as I am to hear your input your 100% correct and I’ve made a fool of myself. I will be watching many more of these when I leave work. Thank you for your contribution.
You're no fool bro, take the pill and stay in wonderland so you can see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Wow, this is a grwat video, it explains a lot.
I never really thought about comparing the beginningsnof a relationship to forming a relationship un our developmental years, but it makes sense.
I've only learnt that waiting for people to do things in their own time, rather than making them fit my schedule, is usually a smart thing, but it makes sense there is something deeper going
Orion,....this is amazing. Makes sense to me!
This concept works like magic for me with women!
Damn fellas, we gotta treat women like toddlers.
This is so timely; was so anxious this weekend that the woman pushed back. Now I’ll simply let her go and trust the process
Please update me in a months time, i am curious to see how this develops!
pls me too I want to have the evolution of it !
Did it work?
Did it work?
God bless You, Orion! Thank you!
Thanks for what you do Orion! Also Happy birthday 🎂🙌🏽
We need more videos like this. Good solid practical tips. Men need to try to create excitement and wonder in their relationships. Don't just confess your undying love and beg for marriage after the 1st date. She'll get bored of you, the stability and security real quick. You've to know how to play the game of love. Its kinda annoying but necessary.
"It's kinda annoying," that's where I relate.
Wish I was aware of this when I was young. 😂 now that I'm married and don't give a bleep what others think...self confident. Now woman hit on me all the time. Even girls half my age.
After a long period of not dating or even pursuing a relationship (decades), I had a lovely woman fall into my lap and invite me out to a date. Looks like things are going well, and we've planned additional outings, but I caught myself humming and hawing as to whether or not I should message her and follow up... Or to wish her a fun camping trip with her friends this weekend (which is delaying our next outing)... Ultimately I decided against it, just because as a generally chill individual it went against my instincts -- but seeing this video was like having a sudden clarity in the instinctual cloud. Very interesting stuff, it helped me have more confidence in my own decision making (and made me feel a little like a bullet just whipped by my ear lol). I'll continue on this path and let the chips fall where they may. Thanks a bunch!
And how is this going two months down the road?
Be careful not to play it cool too much & lose her interest…
I find this advice like a double edged sword. There are some couples who do need the constant validation and reassurance from each other. These types of couples basically recharge each other and it brings them closer on a very deep level. Obviously not everyone is like this but if you meet a girl like that and you're being intentionally distant, it will make feel insecure and she might decide you're not for her. I'm speaking from experience, I had a gf that was that sort of girl, she really loved my company and would tell me about every single thing that happened during her day and tell me how much she loves me all the times. I would listen to her and tell her about my day as well then we'd play games and do a lot of things together. I was really young when I met her at 19, she was 23. I didn't understand what kind of gem she was one day I made the stupid decision to break up simply cuz she was talking about getting married and I didn't know how to deal with that at 22 didn't feel ready. I haven't yet found someone like her, most of the other girls I've dated are either too distant, dishonest or like to play mind games which are turn offs for me. I have met other girls who agreed to dating me but then act aloof. If I also acted aloof, they'd come back and be warm for a while but then, their aloofness causes me to lose interest.
Just found your yt and wow! So much value you truly are helping men!
This was a stellar one. Thank you
This was one of the best relationship advice videos that I have ever seen. Such a simple, actionable, testable nugget. I just want to add that Gen X guys like me were trained to fail because we were taught to minimize female anxiety. Thanks for putting this info out there.
I think it's fine to provide reassurance when she seeks it. But not to follow her around like a puppy.
@@simontmn Ah most don't know the difference
Most women are used to guys doing the most to close that gap and texting them all the time with the redundant
“how was your day “
“Hey , wyd “ crap . That clingy neediness is a turn off . Have hobbies, interests, friends, and some purpose in your life this alleviates that .
It's annoying and somewhat of a turn off when women do that to me. It's like "I get it, you want more from me, you're feeling insecure, but you're just being annoying & wanting to take my time and attention from my day, while offering no value in this text".
@@chipsteve i completely agree . I’ve encountered the same . It’s like they don’t have hobbies or things to do so they try and use me to occupy their time
So how would you expect women to talk to you and get your attention in an organic way? And how would you talk to a woman to get her attention in an organic way?
Thanks Doc. I think I needed to hear this !
Dude... The universe talks to me through you. ❤
From my experience and my social circle in Berlin, it’s the other way round. Women want to commit but men dont want to give up their freedom. I try to get my head around if these men are generally scared of commitment, if they are delusional because of some matches on online apps or if they actually have so many great options so that there’s no perceived need to settle. I’m a guy and find it really hard to develop feelings, thats why im generally quite avoidant.
That has to do more with your upbringing. In some cases, a man may want commitment when the woman does not.
I've learnt to stop communicating when these feelings arise. It's better to avoid her until the feeling subsides and when I do see her I try to remind myself to always stay balanced. Never psychologically, physically or emotionally lean in.
I believe the reason I have this attachment style is due to my dad abandoning me as a young child and wanting him back. That push- pull, hot-cold, here today gone tomorrow thing is where it came from.
You have great self-awareness, there's some great videos on avoidant attachment styles in relationships. ☺
@@clarascully68 Thank you! This realisation has been the key to getting free of the pain that has sabotaged a number of relationships.
"Wherever there is attachment association with it brings endless misery.” ~ Gampopa The Jewel Ornament of Liberation.
It's not "Me" who is attached. It's just the attachment style that got imprinted on me.
Have you been able to have a stable relationship with this style? I think same women would be concerned
Brother, great self awareness! I've struggled with this too. Parents divorce when I was younger. That has a profound affect on our view on the world and relationships.
Fantastic advice. Parallels Corey Wayne, but I appreciate the academic foundation, shorter/concise format, and delivery.
I wish this sort of info was so easily accessible 40 years ago!
Thank you doc!!! This video is helpful and enlightening as all of your information. It is kind of obvious, and nevertheless we as men have to deal to learn with uncertainty and fear. I am glad I am able to learn and use this valuable information, which was scarce or hidden by a few.
But also when they have absent periods it could also destroy connection because you assume their cheating.
So I’m a 25 year old woman. I love getting feedback that a date went well or receiving a text the next day that he had fun. I think that’s totally normal and healthy to express. I feel excited and start to think about when I’ll see him again. To me, it offers emotional connection. So although I think the idea of getting comfortable with your anxiety is important, it’s also totally fine to express yourself! Perhaps the people dr Orion is advising is those who do way too much and it can read as an anxious response and then she doesn’t respond ideally. That will take many emotional regulation tools from practicing mindfulness, to letting go of obsessive thoughts. It’s ok to be there. Life is a process and we’re all learning how to refine ourselves with each new choice that presents itself. Maybe something to consider is adopting a affirmative mindset of “what is for me cannot miss me.” That healthy self talk during an anxiety bout is very important.
And again, as a woman, I don’t find a guy confirming his feelings for me early in the dating process to be a turn off by any means. It’s very necessary 😂
Agreed, its the love bombers that repel us, equally if they play it too cool its also a turn off. I always think would I accept this behaviour from a friend, this video could backfire....
Absolutely not. A guy should NOT confess his feelings to a woman early. To the contrary, the woman must wonder whether or not the man likes her.
Women love anxiety. Women also love men who don't care if she leaves or not, because that means he's valuable and special.
@@clarascully68exactly. The love bombers appear so insincere and turn on you when you can’t meet their every need or need time to yourself. Those are the ones I’m repelled by.
@@ShadowbannedAccountfirst of all he actually has to be worth coming back to. If he’s average and trying to play games he will just be dropped quicker
@@ShadowbannedAccountyou’re crazy. If a man doesn’t express himself and commit after intimacy the woman better step off.
That’s disgusting.
This stuff is amazing. Well done.
Yes you Sir nailed it!!!! 58 years old girl friend 19 I mastered this technique 15 years ago and it has played out exactly how you described it to be she now understands the nuances of retaining a relationship with a man of value
In my experience, the woman I saw also had plenty options. I basically did as you said in this video, to never hear again from any of them. I later heard from common friends etc. some points such as:
- She thought you dont value her, because you didnt reach out so she felt like it would be humiliating for her, to run after you so she didnt.
- She accepted that it seems to just having been a ONS and respected that this is all I wanted and saw no reason in chasing someone that doesnt want them back
- She just had 30 other guys/simps in her chat constantly reasuring her, so there was constant affirmation without interaction.
Clearly I understand that the last one is not a woman I would want, but the first two types were actually real keepers.
Are they though? The general joining argument of success stories I've heard is that she IS willing to chase you. Women used to do that, by the way. Now the men chase and we call them simps.
One word: Testosterone.
It’s what motivates men to pursue women. It’s literally the “pursue” hormone. It also makes men territorial. Women don’t have nearly as much testosterone, so they’re not as strongly motivated to pursue as men are. And that’s just it: When you’re the one pursuing, there’s always the real possibility of not obtaining what you’re going after. This is where insecurity comes in. Since women don’t experience the inner push to pursue, they don’t experience the fear that comes along with it. Also explains why it’s hard for women to have empathy for men. In a lot of ways they simply can’t because of their biology. The ultra high sex drive in men (created by testosterone) is what really facilitates survival for women.
Also explains why it’s hard for women to have empathy for men. Yes! We better get used to this... A woman loves a man for WHAT VALUE he can profide to her. She does not love him for WHO he is... It is hard to believe but now I can accept this. A man has to love HIMSELF by following his passions and looking after himself etc etc.. The biology man woman is based on a DEAL between them. Love has NOTHING to do with it. A woman loves HER CHILDREN... Period.
@@reiniermuntjewerff874lol yes it does matter WHO he is. If he’s a push over and doesn’t put her in her place…..HE not going anywhere with her as far as the best possible submissive treatment he can get. These are the guys who get cheated on
You could not have posted this at a more opportune moment for the new relationship I'm entering into. I was so close to calling time on it. This has given me cause to think again.. Thank you.
If you don't mind, please update us about how this advice worked in your case...
Respect the life and potential of your budding relationship by not having to report to anyone, (even yourself with labels and judgements) and especially not to strangers on youtube.
Your relationship with her is between you and her and God.
Great reminder on these facts!
Dammit Orion, at this point I have to watch all your videos before even thinking about another relationship 😂 another useful video, thanks for sharing.
Calling women "children" without actually calling them children. Brilliant!
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
It really works the exact same way the other way around as well. Ever had a needy girlfriend who just wouldn't give you any space for yourself? Same shit, it just tends to manifest in a later stage of the relationship.
You missed the point , he equates the child position with the of the man.
@@user-uk1pe7bj4fno he does not. Listen again
@@user-uk1pe7bj4fHow? He literally says that men are like the mother who must learn to live with their anxiety because calling back the child early will prevent them from feeling the need to go back for security. Women want to feel like they trapped themselves in the relationship rather than forced into one.
Were you responding emotionally because you felt a woman was attacked or did you watch a different video than this?
3:30-4:28
Now now!!! That is NOT what he intended to do. Also the same applies to us men too, as he explained in the video, men do as babies do-- "separationanxiety"
anxious about her not doing it again soon so we try to tether her with texts,
Wwaah!! I want my milkies again, now!!!
The best video by you I have seen.
Well said and thank you! 🙏
You caught me 😂 i send those ' i had a really good time' texts
I see so i have to build a insecure attachent with them
Just remember No means Yes and Yes means No or maybe No and Yes.
I ALWAYS ruin my relationships and friendships when text messageing. Somehow, a text message where you show your vulnerability (which in itself is not bad) is WAY more damageing than if you tell a woman a bit too openly about how much you like her personality when you are with her. Yes, she may turn around and feel that that was a bit too close, but she will still like you and be happy being around you and she is unlikely to stop seeing you for one minor mistake in the interaction like this. BUT, if you make the mistake of telling her that you feel terribly today in a text message (again, not bad in itself, but it might be a bit too early to test her like that) then you are likely to have ruined EVERYTHING.
This is a VERY delicate art form