People regularize narcissistic abuse because more people have narcissistic traits these days than the past. We're in the Era of Narcissism. Bible says in the End Days.......lovers of self etc. So manyy children have been raised in narc homes. They don't know anything else. So sad. Pity that person who thinks it's regular
Mine never told me he loved me or that i was beautiful. The best i could get was "you look cute" and "i care about you" and those were heard like once or twice 😂
I had an awakening yesterday and I realized that I have been living with this man for years and it hasn't been overnight but a systematic silence and destruction of my heart and soul. I'm finally ready to get out.
@@robertataylor5794 I think you are really insensitive and you don't have any idea about what emotional and physical and sexual abuse does to anyone. You need to pick your words out to be a little bit more kind
I wish we only had to go through this once. The ruminating phase of healing results to relive this experience many times over. In time, you will not ruminate as often or intense, but you must put your focus on the present time and focus on yourself.
Do it but only if you are sure you can get away because if you come back they will see it as affirmation of all their past abuse and consent to do it again with a vengeance
@@nateo200 Thanks for the advice and I appreciate it and I have been in touch with an Attorney. I will 🚫 be back. I don't give a shit about the people who are going to trash me for going through this and getting my shit together and getting my ass out of it and the other guy can keep his hate to himself. Sounds like he has some abuse issues 😕
When it first started for me, I was told, “oh I’m sorry you’re so sensitive, I didn’t realize you can’t take a joke, I’ll never joke with you again”. I can take lots of jokes! I laugh at myself constantly. The big difference was, when other friends have made jokes toward me, it never left me feeling less than, hurt, or questioning my feelings about the mere act of someone joking at my expense.
I have literally just experienced this on a date with someone - the fact that my late father was the same got me to recognise the signs. That someone can make you cry, and then make YOU feel like the bad guy speaks volumes
@@Hannah-ph9yu oh yes, RUUUUN! I am glad you recognized it so quickly. It sucks, but the less you’ve invested in someone like this, the easier it is to walk away.
Grapjeeeee….. meaning ‘just joking’. I heard this comment every time I was deeply hurt. And then I was always told that I was too stupid to see the difference between een joke and an insult. And never it was said this way to be an insult, they said. Just a joke. How could I think they would insult me? But always, looking back, it was in reality just a very sick comment at my expense. So it WAS an insult!
I grew up in a home where insults were constant. You can’t imagine how disappointed I was when the devaluation started with my ex. The love bombing was so intense, I never saw it coming. I thought he’d finally give me what I always wanted: safe love. Boy, was I wrong!
I'm sorry you grew up that way! You didn't deserve to be insulted and made to feel unsafe by anyone around you. I'm assuming you made it out of your relationship with your ex and im so happy you were able to. You are worth more than that!
When I was 10 years old, I remember my mother introducing me to one of her police friends: “ and this is my big, dumb kid” Charming, yes? I shrank into myself, as a turtle pulls its head in for protection.
When I first saw Mr. Rogers in my esrly teens, i cried because i was wondering why my own parents couldnt talk that nicely to me. Thank you for confirmation and validation.
That happened for me in my forties. No wonder they always shunned and encouraged others to shun certain entertainers etc. Thank Goodness for Mr. Rogers and other real and caring persons.
I felt the same you are not alone. I feared the uncertainty of my future and being alone. I had a job opportunity to travel out of state and rented a fully furnished live in trailer located at a camp ground in the woods. I spent 18 months alone and had gotten a cat for company. I really learned a lot about myself and over came the fear of being alone.
This quote, “Healthy relationships leave a healthy margin for error, are open, communicative and do not have a punitive standard.” Yep my ex is definitely a narcissist.
Or he can be something else, not necessarily a Narc. Many behavioral traits that match the description of a N are also found with other categories of people. In our culture, all traits are often contributed to this construct. However, that is not always scientifically true. It can be another diagnosis, primary or secondary. When we hear about one condition, we tend to identify with it, which may or may not be true. Just another thought. Your gut feelings may know better.
@@dpetinatos this is true. The simplicity of my comment doesn’t show that I’ve been researching this disorder for 15 years now and he has every trait not just the one I mentioned. He said he hears voices so he may be schizophrenic but that doesn’t explain his total lack of empathy, his grandiosity etc. I know people with pretty much every other behavioral issues and it is nothing like those.
these lessons from Dr R, show me my 1st ex was very very very narc. my current is a narc, but, not "as bad" as my first. but, for sure, I married another one!!! and I feel stuck and alone.
When somebody loves you they just wouldn't do the things a narcissist does. If they love you, they care and respect everything you do even if they don't really care about it. They let you be yourself cause they love you for you. After being with a narcissist, you can barely recognize real love anymore. You can't figure out how anybody could love you.
@@DebraJayne I'm 54, so I hope you figured it out earlier than I did. This kind of information wasn't readily available on the internet for free until recently, and it literally saved my life. Mental housecleaning is hard work but it's worth it, because I feel so much better. I'm finally finding my real self.
@@WendyDrayke Hi Wendy, I’m so pleased you are out of the situation, I’m 58 and I have been brought up with a narcissistic father which has made me very vulnerable to abusive and controlling men. The information on RUclips is helping a lot. Keep strong xx
@@DebraJayne aw, thanks. Hope you're doing well. It's a real light bulb moment when you finally figure out why you keep attracting people who turn out to be the same kind of monster.
Thank you, Dr. R.! Most ppl throw the words NA, like ……. Not even understanding what some go through… 68 and finally escaped! T.Y. S. For all your help.❤
I just showed my partner a clip talking about normal relationships and he stormed out of the room… he said “but you are holding me back” sooo yeah I think I know it’s really time to move on
My response eventually to being called out for things I'd done ONCE many years ago was to tell my wife "For normal people, an apology is the first step to reconciling things. You apologize, and it's forgotten if you actually don't do it anymore. For you, it's just an admission of guilt, to be used against me forever. So i'm never apologizing to you again until you learn to behave like an actual human being." I'm still trapped in a hoirrlbe divorce, and getting the courts to force her out borders on being impossible. But viewing her as a demon inhabiting a human body makes it a lot easier to just shrug off her attempts to manipulate. I just hit record on the cameras the minute she walks in the room, and tell her to go away.
Yes, it is necessary. That is a good point, generally speaking. We get so often entangled in problems that sometimes we lose direction. Thank you for your remark.
The problem with narcissists is that anything can be an insult to them. A joke, a criticism, or just expressing your need. Anything that doesn't validate their reality and that can cause conflicts will be viewed as an insult to them and used it as a justification to rage at you and blaming you for it, saying later that you insulted them first... The guilt-tripping and blame are really strong because you learned to walk in eggshelfs by fear of being "disrespectful" Also, please doctor Ramanu can you do a video about respect, I feel it is misused a lot, I hear many people call others disrespectful about almost anything, when conflicts arise, instead of trying to solve the problem people are shamed and called disrespectful and are force to change behaviors. Toxic people use the word respect to force people to walk on eggshells and I cringe each time someone talks about the word respect.
Omg this! I never dealt with a man (the narcissist) so obsessed with “respect.” Anything I said could be construed as disrespect to him and he’d go into a narcissistic rage. Exhausting. Thank you for sharing your experience, mine was maddening and I feel less alone 🩵🙏🏼
Wow, insult is the love language of narcissist and that was exactly what my ex told me that I was too serious and I wasn’t getting his jokes. In my head I kept thinking how could that be possibly healthy… and yet he says that was the way he grew up and they do “jokes” like that all the time in their family.
My husband has begun calling me a prude recently. I just don't find his crude, sexually explicit "flirting" to be much of a turn on in my late 30's. It hurts my feelings when he calls me difficult to get into bed and that he "misses the old days when I was always ready for him." I'm going in for surgery in a week to hopefully find thst endometriosis is the cause of my pain and no libido issues. I'm getting more and more worried that I just may not be attracted to my husband. For 2 years now, I've been broken down, yelled at, cussed out, and blamed/taken blame for our dying spark, zero intimacy, and none existing sex-life. My daughters have watched and heard all of this on a weekly basis the whole time. It's hard to be "excited" to see him when he gets home in an angry, mopey, distant/isolated, negative mood. He says he wouldn't be so stressed out all the time if we had an active, healthy sex-life. He would do more things to help me around the house if we had sex because it's like incentive. He's always asking if our oldest daughter and I are mad at him or if we are ok. He does this so much that it gets irritating and that gives him what he was seeking. Now someone is upset with him, now he can pick a fight, criticize us for something totally random, and he'll do this until we're bawling our eyes out. He does this until he starts in with how he's the victim. He says things that he knows are absolutely not true, but he says things out of spite to be hurtful on purpose. Then he starts his cooldown phase. This is his apologetic part of the cycle, and I'm convinced at this point that all he is seeking to hear is that he's forgiven. That's all he wants. He "love bombs" our youngest daughter and he only gives her respect because she is " slightly autistic" and at almost 7 years old, she is mentally about 4. Will he treat her the same way as he treats her big sister once she's her age? I am beginning to worry that I will go full Momma Bear to protect my children, and that event will change everything. I will take the pain of all the abuse because I chose him, but I will not stand by and watch him do that to children, especially our own. Sorry so long of a comment, but I'm not sleeping very well tonight. My mind keeps analyzing, doubting, questioning, and re-analyzing everything. He blames his behavior on the "stupid people he works with", "sexual frustration", I "don't give him enough time and attention", or "everyone is being difficult ".
I bring up the past to show how we have the same fight, but different argument all the time. Not because I haven't forgotten his hurtful words and actions, but because he continues to do them in different, yet same, ways.
THIS !!!! i feel like im just dragging up the past, gaslighting them about things, but they NEVER change the things just change but the patterns dont. I do many of the same things narcs do because of my BPD and chronic gaslighting
Having a malignant narcissistic father and a self righteous narcissistic stepmother who viewed me as an anathema( leading me to having relationships with malignant self righteous people) a normal relationship with all its pitfalls sounds like heaven to me 😊
Mirroring, triangulation, future-faking, guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, absence of accountability, bizarre behaviour on birthdays, lying, baiting and needless provocation, and disappearing acts are all hallmarks.
11:04 difficult ppl store up bad things u did and March out such evidence when needed to shut down a convo deflect it and make it impossible to discuss anything current… I’m a lawyer and I found the narcissist so exhausting. Thank u for flagging this. Such tactic was always used and my emotions clouded my thinking to see clearly. God bless Ramani
I thought I was the problem. I was extremely depressed, distressed, anxious, sometimes suicidal. I was suffering in my relationship, but as I couldn't change him, I worked on myself - for years. In therapy, I was advised to improve our 'communication issues' by saying "When you say (X), I feel (Y)". I knew that would be utterly useless in our situation, and it was. Another time I tried to improve things with an idea from a relationship advice video, where one starts the day asking one's partner "What can I do to make your day better?" The only effect that had was to make me even more abjectly in his power. He virtually gloated. Maybe in a normal relationship, these two methods might be useful. That they were so absolutely pointless in my situation makes sense to me now that I know I was dealing with a narcissist. I am so glad I finally got out before I killed either him or myself. It took me about seven years to get over the relationship, and to finish grieving what could have/ought to have been (we have two children). Now, 13 years further down the track, I am still healing. Good luck to everyone here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Dr Ramani.
My family didn't want to hear about it. One of them said, It hurts them to hear that I am being hurt so, they didn't want to talk about it. I had to call the cops one time and the cops said it was my fault because I let him in my house. I never felt so alone in my whole life. You really hit every point.
It's so hard fighting it on your own; I felt like a Jewish person would have felt boarding with the SS, I could trust no one and every word must be carefully thought out before speaking; my mum and stepdad died, I could move the boxes and chair from the bedroom door and it felt WONDERFUL!
My saying was, surround yourself with fountains (aka ppl who lift your up), Not Drains (aka ppl who bring you down) My daughter is my best fountain. And my mother too. 😊 I don't have drains anymore!😅
I have never been in a healthy relationship. I was told no one is perfect. Everyone has marriage problems, you marry for life. Just because it’s hard you don’t walk away. These are the things we’re all told. Thank you for sharing the truths! Keep up the good work. Our youth need to hear this.
I'm proud of myself for contining to exercise boundaries with my narc mom especially post divorce. However I see how even when I was a child and resisted sexual abuse of a caretaker's husband, my mother's response still rings in my ears. It baffled and confused me at age 6 as she played as she deflected, talked about how difficult it was to find alterative childcare. I told my grandma and after that my sister and I never returned.My narc mom still has my wedding picture on her piano--almost 3 years after my divorce was finalized. I approached her about taking it down but she deflected. So I find myself creating more space, especially when she triangulated with other family members.
Thank you Dr Ramani. You continue to allow me (just letting you know!) to allow myself to ACTUALLY BELIEVE I'm not crazy, when it comes to seeing through a narcissistic so-called friendship. I'm not crazy in this way. I'm just getting over believing I don't have a life. I have a life!!! ♥️ And the amazing thing is I've always known that I have a life. A person can't NOT have a life! You only think you don't have a life when you're caught in a so-called friendship with someone who has convinced you of that part of you that is convinced that you don't have a LIFE.
@ patrick The self doubt inflicted on victims in these toxic entanglements are so very real & keep a victim living in the place of "never enoughness " So happy to have eventually escaped 🎉
I must say that you are brilliant Doctor Ramani. Another quality video from you. I have shared Doctor Ramani so others I know can have the knowledge too. I know some who have had very toxic, manipulative and what seems to be narcissistic behavioral traits. You even helped me with skills I needed in order to begin the recovery from narcissistic abuse. You rock Doctor Ramani!! Thank you again and again for what you do to help others!!!
Thanks to you Dr. Ramani I gained the courage to break out of the immense suffering of 38 years of Narcissistic abuse by my husband! It will be so imperative to listen to you everyday to strengthen me during this difficult transition. There are going to be a lot of flying monkeys and revenge tactics.
I feel the same. Everyday I am listening to this lovely woman. It is so validating. I am full of rage, so much has been suppressed in order to get through each day. I hope we will have peace soon. Thinking of you
I don't know why but I can see unresolved pain in Dr Ramani's eyes - like she still doesn't show herself after all these years because her authentic self is wounded so much. Maybe it's just my view but I sense it when I look at her because I likely went through similar things. God loves your Dr Ramani. It doesn't matter if you're wounded or not. You're an amazing person. Thanks for your many educational videos.
Insults vs. criticism. I understand the difference to be that criticism has some basis in fact whereas insults do not. For example, "Your paper did not go deep enough on X part of the topic" is a criticism whereas "Your paper was a piece of garbage" is an insult. My covert narcissist mother was extremely critical. My grandiose narcissist ex partner insults me regularly. Although the insults are harder to take, incessant criticism can also be soul destroying.
Shout out to all fellow warriors! Dr Ramani, along with my therapist, taught me how to handle these pos! All the narcs in my life are pissed! TYSM! 😂🙏🏼👍🏼💯
Dr. Ramani, your videos and your compassion have changed my entire life. I have been born into a narcissistic family system, married into one, and parented narcissistic children. I am grateful that I can see what it is and respond appropriately. It feels good to know that I am a person of love, light, truth, compassion and human decency. It’s what keeps me on the planet, knowing the difference, and that I am worthy of those things. ❤
"Are you in a NORMAL or NARCISSISTIC relationship?" Nope. I'm in my 50's now and I have never been in ANY relationship, period. Unless you count my single-parent covert narcissistic mother who finally passed away in 2014, which means prior to 2014, yes and since then, no. She was an excellent example of why "relationships" really aren't a good thing. For the first 43 years of my life, I desperately craved both serenity and isolation. To me, they are both the same thing as I am absolutely convinced I cannot have one without the other. I use both "serenity" and "isolation" interchangeably, so when I mention either one I always mean both at the same time. I don't even know what a "normal" relationship is, or means. I've no concept to go on. Are those even possible? I have heard of them, but then I have heard of unicorns and munchkins too and I've never seen either one except on TV, in movies, and in fantasy books. I'm not sure I know what a "relationship" is, since the only significant one I've ever had was my mother. I suppose there's the "relationship" I have with my therapist. Does that count? Oh, sorry. Was that multiple-choice?? Yeah, I gave up on the concept of "relationship" a long time ago. I just prefer being alone, and will probably stay that way, hopefully.
You speak so eloquently for me also. I did try relationships beyond Mother and they both proved destructive to my very sense of self and self respect. No more!
Normal relationships are real, it's just not as common where you are I guess? I was the opposite, I grew up in a loving home, with a loving family, so yes, loving families exist, they aren't unicorns. However, for me, I met my sociopathic ex, and couldn't believe the opposite. That narcissists, psychopaths, etc, were so cruel. So, so...evil. It was mind boggling to me, still is. Anyways, just wanted to say that, yes, healthy families/relationships exist.
My homeless sister asked if she could stay with me for a bit till she got on her feet. I had been in my apartment for about a month after my husband kicked me out of the house and I am ALSO trying to get on my feet. I took her to my storage unit to get my grill and brickets for a cookout. She looked at my stuff and said "no wonder he kicked you out". Of course I felt bad. I'm trying to be there for her with the little I have to offer. I left when my husband kicked me out because it was 43 years of his covert treatment that I am still healing from and then SHE comes along. I did discuss it with her about her comment but that red flag is still flying high. I feel surrounded by these passive aggressive manipulative people. I have boundaries and I keep them dusted well, but the best thing I know what to do is live alone and not help others. They feel free to manipulate at will. I just don't have it in me to keep them in line, I'd rather them be out of my life.
Yes Dr. Ramani in my Toxic relationship I lived on eggshells, never knowing what would set him off ,having him looking at me with this stare that never looked the same, go into a Rage then in a few mins. later acting like nothing just happened He would hide things from me etc.😮
I honestly up until this point didn't realize that in a healthy family there are no insults. My entire upbringing was the complete opposite. NOW, I don't put up with insults. I had the female person that brought me up narcissist tell me one time that " I was insulting her, her entire life" boo hoo
I could never throw out things for charities as she would furiously say that I was throwing out her things and even look through it all to make sure. I'm giving things to charities now and no one is angry any more. The anger was better than her storming out and ignoring me all the rest of the week.
I thought I was in a narc relationship for a long time but it turns out I'm the one with the problem(s). I feel so bad for what I put him through. My mind won't let me believe him and inturn I say I hate him and I know he's lying. I've been doing so much research on narcissism trying to figure it out that I think im actually the one with narcissism. I bring up old stuff that I can't seem to get over...even if it was something I did! It's hard for me to move on from things if they're playing a part or still affect me today.
A major part of narcissism is lack of empathy and self awareness. A major part of high functioning autism (at least the ones I know) is ruminating on things to the point of obsession and sometimes driving others around them crazy. It’s true you could have narcissistic wounds from growing up around narcissists or living with one long term. That can look like narcissism without being full blown narcissist. Because of what I said above…most narcissists never come to self awareness. I wonder if he didn’t gaslight you into thinking you’re the narcissist in the relationship?
Wow. Firstly, well done for spotting it and trying to do something about it. That takes courage. If you can afford it, try and get some professional help and support. Good luck.
I’m finding this is me too…at least you (and I) can recognize the problem!! It’s a very hard thing to recognize what you are doing, yourself! I wish you the best and hope you can heal and move past this 💙!
@@someoneyoudontknow7705 thank you! It's been very challenging. All we can do it be aware and control what WE do and say and I wish you the best as well! Keep your head up!
oh wow yes. as a child i was insulted regularly. so i ended up in friendships where my friends also put me down. i formed this idea that i had to "prove myself" and "be better" for people to care about me. i found myself in alot of relationships where i was treated badly and i thought i deserved it. in my marriage, it's much the same. "you're so fat" i get that one alot. except i'm not fat and never really have been. "you're so lazy" except that i do 99% of everything around the house and with the kids. and when i point out how much it hurts i'm told that i'm the one that's "insulting" him... the "i'm in a relationship AND..." changed everything for me in my mindset. thank you so much dr ramini. i've been binge watching your videos for the last few months and it's given voice to everything i've been thinking and feeling.
Become disciplined enough to go about your business doing you! You have yourself to consider first. Dont be vulnerable, needy or desperate. Fill your life with self purpose. Everyone is on a different path and keep your boundaries solid. Be confident in your choices as nobody is you. 💯🎯
Yup. My ex used to insult me to the point of tears in public. A specific example I can think of was when we were trying a new burger truck and as I was about half finished my food he insulted my food choice and called me a glutton despite my meal being healthier and probably lower calorie than his. Tears started welling up in my eyes but may not have been noticeable yet and I was looking around for somewhere to make an excuse to go to, but fortunately one of the kids suddenly had to go to the bathroom and I took them. I silently cried while they were going and stifled the tears by the time they were finished. He started again when I got back and I pointed out that my food was healthier than his but instead of apologizing or admitting he could be wrong he simply said that I looked like a glutton because there was more food than he had Contrast this with a healthy relationship with a friend of mine. She is very short (approx 5 feet even or maybe a bit less) but she is fine with that. One day 3 of us were out together and my dog, Maya (7 1/2 lbs) was with us. We felt a couple of rain drops and I commented that if it rained she could just walk under my dog to stay dry. She laughed as hard as the rest of us. No one got hurt.
Thanks for making me laugh. I too feel that way about the Hallmark movies. They are so not based in reality and sadly some think life is like a Hallmark movie. Ignorance is bliss. But then I don't enjoy dressing up for Halloween either.
What if they don't put you down directly, but they are constantly complaining about pretty much everyone else? Like no one, and nothing is good enough for them? But they butter you up/keep you on the hook with breadcrumbing?
Dr Ramini. I hope you get to see this. Firstly, thank you so so much for all you do here. You're amazing. I am seeing a psychotherapist because of the way I have been treated throughout my life. Mostly, my mother has done all the damage. I have assumed she is a narcissist for the last few years. Her behaviour certainly ticks a LOT of the boxes. My therapist though, said she could be neurodiverse. My brother is very very black and white with everything. One of his daughters seems to be narcissistic and his son is borderline autistic. Diagnosed. I seem to have ADHD. I have looked up neurodiversity and can make no sense of it. The difference between that and narcissism. If possible, please could you help shine some light on that and the differences, if you haven't already. I'm confused. Thank you so much. :)
I feel like she might have done a video on that. But also consider this... your psych might not be versed in harmful behaviors. (You know your mum has done harm. Thats the bottom line) Tryin to think... i know she compared the borderline style with narcs, she showed the difference between autism and narcs... i hope she put them in a playlist.... sorry i cant recall more than that just now😅
My family did all that Dr Ramani mentioned in this video, only after I left my job and couldn't support them financially. They left me completely confused. Their insults, shaming, smear campaign and abandonment while I was struggling to get another job was getting too much to take that I learned to be on my own. It's sad when they knew that i was not aware about narcissism until 3 years ago.
So, so, so well explained! I shared with our friend who is in a 26 year unhealthy relationship/marriage and he said it is spot on! This knowledge and understanding helps with clarity!
Thank you as usual for this much needed video. My covert narcissist wouldn’t rage. He would gaslight make insulting jokes and belittle or just go silent. He was extremely passive aggressive would invalidate me and make snotty cocky remarks always just to make me angry then say ok psycho.
You are right dr Ramani. Narcisistic relationship problems are not regular relationships problems. They do not rob you of yourself and leave you a shell of a human being.
Thank you for being honest and forthright about choosing to stay or leave. Sometimes I think trading this horrible relationship for something unknown may be a bigger set of problems. so you , stating truths and how to navigate within the narc's abuse is very empowering and helpful. I still get sucked into it..but not for any length of time. And I no longer blame myself. Thank you
My dad’s favorite saying was you hurt the ones you love the most. My uncles and aunts (his bros & sisters) were all so horrible to me and my dad expected me to take it because he told me that it was a sign of how much they loved me. I spent my whole life confused and feeling awful. It affected my relationships. I now know I been picking men that are like my dad! These videos have really helped me to see the reality before me. I definitely want to go through some counseling
When I started noticing the real face of my brother’s wife, I was told for many months that it was “normal.” However, I lived with them for a few months to help babysit 3 kids, one being a neonate, and she completely took advantage of me. Once they put the baby in childcare then she dropped me, estranged mine and my bothers relationship. Recently, the abuse has escalated towards my brother, and she attacked him according to both my nephews who are 10 and 13. My family has finally started to see that all the red flags I pointed out for years are 100% valid. She shoved me the day before my wedding just 3 weeks ago bc she wasn’t the center of attention, I believe, and made up a reason for why the 10 year old was in trouble. I’ve seen her spank him excessively for no reason other than the 10 year old not watching the now 3 year old. After she shoved me, I looked at my brother, and he said I was in her effing way on how she raises her son. Next day, my wedding day, she acts so fake and turns it around that I am the one that hurt her feelings. My brother is a very non confrontational man, he is so compassionate, and I worry for him and the kids beyond words.
SIGNS YOU ARE IN A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP: 1) INSULTS: They are psychological daggers. The comments hurt you. 2) BRINGING UP PAST MISTAKES: The narcissist has a terrible memory of things that matter to you, but they will easily remember or remind you by bringing up a past mistake. You walk on eggshells in worry & fear of them bringing up that past failure/mistake as a weapon against you. 3) IT IS NOT JUST REGULAR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS: Your reality & sense of self are being tested all the time. You feel confused & helpless in the relationship. Nothing you do seems to make things better. Your feedback is met with rage. You have to walk on eggshells to survive. You cutoff more & more of your true self in who you are. This ALL happens on a regular day. 4) NORMAL VS. NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP: Normal is a healthy relationship, example of eating a healthy meal with salmon, quiona, steamed veggies, fruit for dessert, low salt or there might be a baked potato on that plate with butter instead of the quinoa & maybe a little extra salt or pumpkin pie slice for dessert instead of the fruit; that's "normal". It's healthy enough, but not perfect. Narcisstic is very unhealthy, the plate has a supervised fries 🍟 on it, a big sugary milkshake, a sugary drink, a bag of chips, a big piece of cake 🎂 and a piece of pie. Keep eating like this, & it will destroy your body!
So I was a latchkey kid in a small family. The woman I was hanging out with said she was raised in a large family with lots of people. We talked about buying property together. The future etc etc. then the devaluation came after I told her how I felt about her. Then it was the I always told you we were only ever just going to be friends. We spent everyday texting and talking. Phone calls until 12 midnight and then phone calls the next morning. Texting and lots of attention. It made no sense. Then she wouldn’t for weeks talk about what I had said. She swept it under the rug and just kept up the regular communication as if I had never said how I felt about her. Something seemed way off and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then the harassment came where she would call and say”are you crying in your pillow over me?” I was like yes. Yes I was and why would you call and harass me about this. What’s your problem? Then adding to conversations about ex boyfriends she still talks to and who she hangs out with and I was like please stop telling me about that. I asked for boundaries and nothing. And she made sure to double down and I was like. Have a nice life. And now I feel way better but it has taken time to get through the aftermath of being mess around with.
Love every video! After my relationship with someone like that, I hope to never again cross paths to someone similar! It was literally a LIFE-CHANGHING experiencem but in the worst way possible.
You are told you live in the past when you bring up something that just happened. The resolution of the current event overshadowed by a finger pointing game. Eventually you play that game with them as well. The cycle is then blamed on you. If only you didn't live in the past is what they say. Everything would be okay if you didn't. The past had so many lies and as the years go on and they forget you start to hear the truths. No matter how you bring it to them you are not to question their reality. You are to swallow the past with a finger in your chest pointing out your flaws. All of that to make you forget what just happened which is now the past to them. Effectively putting an end to your voice and swallowing their reality.
I’ve been trying to figure out if my SO is a covert narcissist or not (or maybe it’s me?) and I think this particular video has finally clarified it. The exact situation as described happened to me, but yet I’ve never told my SO the thing that they did that hurt me more than anything else because to hear them blame me for it or deflect it would be crushing.
ok got a question here, when i keep record of the things the narcissist in my life does and bring it up to show a pattern of their behavior it gets thrown back at me as if i'm the one that's bad because "why can't you just forgive, why do you have to bring up the past all the time?" even if it's something that literally happened earlier in the day. i'm told that i'm "holding a grudge" and "unforgiving" when i say things like "based on the pattern of the actions you took previously..." i'm told that i'm the problem in the relationship because i "just don't let it go" but the patterns never change, i'm just supposed to "forget" that it ever happened. i get the "forgive and forget" thrown at me all the time and i start to wonder if i really am the problem or not.
Excellent video n love that you broke it down a bit more n gave some examples of a "normal" relationship as so many things really do feel like their in the eye of the beholder aside from actual physical abuse. Then add to that whether it's your spouse, a partner you're heavily invested in like either living together,engaged or hoping to be soon or of course your family of origin you are hard wired to give them the benefit of the doubt as losing them either through repeated arguments or one of you finally walking away. So a state of denial is at play understandably for awhile anyway. But the longer it goes on n the pattern well established along with perhaps you're growing awareness either through reading books,watching videos or therapy your body is screaming at you to say something and or get out. You can silence it for a bit but not forever. It's not that you're intentionally looking for signs but you just can't help noticing them. If you have already tried to discuss how you feel in person,via a letter or even in counseling and they continue to not understand or better yet pretend not to, do as Dr. Ramini says n diverts n misdirect even in front of a non skilled and/ or weak therapist who is unable to call them out. I'm glad you pointed out that not only regular people in your life but even your own therapist does not seem to understand what's at play. I can understand that in the beginning but after you e told them numerous stories n given other information about your life, you'd think they'd be able to put things together a bit more than the average person. I went to therapy for the 1st time at the age of 42 n currently 57. I've not seen anyone for the past nearly 4. Over the course of those 15 years I saw 4 therapist with significant regularity meaning once a week for 45 min for at least a year. Two of these therapists I saw for 2.5 n 3 years respectively. I had my mother anywhere from 1-8 sessions with 3 of my first 3 therapist. My father in 3-4 times with one therapist,where he actually insisted he go to therapist twice in his own before 2 long joint sessions with me,my mother n the therapist. He felt quite strongly that he couldn't go without that bc he wanted the therapist to have a better understanding of him n where he's coming from. Uhhh isn't that why you should get your own therapy but ok. Unfortunately I guess the therapist didn't get where he's coming from enough not to put him in a pedestal n not push back a bit in session so my father having gotten defensive at one point enough to blow up n start screaming at the therapist! Each of the therapist handled the situation of my estrangement between my parents n I and eventually my brother n sister slightly differently but none of ever mentioned anything about narcissistic abuse or even emotional use. They just thought my parents being older (70-75 in the beginning but both in great health n not dumb) just "didn't have the tools yet". One therapist even said that my mother was trying and she was at least showing up and went in to tell me about some teen groups she runs where the parents don't even show up. I said "Well that's really awful. I'm sorry to hear that but it really shouldn't be a contest as to who has worse parents. In many ways it would have been far easier for me had they not bc it gave me the false impression as well that they cared n were willing to go which I of course associated with some degree of live for me, buying the relationship enough n possibility for change. Sooo much.ore disappointing to keep putting yourself out there just to be further victimized by new things being said about me, or just refusing to understand basic concepts of having an adult relationship,communication skills n conflict resolution skills. Another therapist saw how unhealthy the whole thing was n completely understood why I did pull away from them n at some point estranged from them but he too never mentioned this. He did at least at some point help me to focus on what I wanted to do about it. The 3rd therapist I saw from 2010-2013 after a suicide attempt n several hospitalizations really did me the most harm with his lack of insight or patho loizibg the wrong person. He was so kind n. compassionate about it n I admired n trusted him so much that along with my own desire for growth,thirst for understanding n still some hope for reconciliation that I too was not so willing to perhaps see the situation n them as hopeless with zero chance of genuine change. This wasted a lot of time that could have been spent in other areas n building up all the sense of self n desire to live that I had lost. This therapist was in his early 30'' and the other 3 all between 40-60 yrs old so it's surprising to me that they didn't understand this themselves, let alone know how to treat it. If course I still got something out of each of these therapists experiences . Unfortunately back then there wasn't all this great content online as I would have listened to it with them and said " see this is what's really going on" Looking back I can see how flawed n dangerous some of these therapists were even if not intentional. I was already being gaslighted by my family at a time this word wasn't in common usage and here was the therapist I liked n trusted doing this in a way as well. He believed everything was a co-creation so that everyone had a role in the problem. Now while this can sometimes be true clearly it isnt always true. Now pair that with his feeling that " Well they aren't my client so I'm not talking to them" Meaning all the opportunities for change etc had to come from me. Dont get me wrong he agreed with me about many things and seemed to have high regard n care for me...maybe even too much as he spent way over an hour with me most sessions and even talked about his own life more than was probably warranted. I think he just played devil's advocate too much for my situation n so it was further gaslighting as I began to sometimes substitute his opinion fur my own. Not fully n not everything as I still had a strong sense of self likely from other past positive friendships n relationships n just being a introspective n logical person but certainly you doubt yourself more n ruminate. So it's so important that you mentioned that even in 2023 many therapists don't get it. How can we change that?
wow yes yes yes, and YES! I just wish i started these videos and found you a year ago lol- Thank you for your videos and expertise! What is that sayin? "better late than never?" Finding myself again, one video at a time, and the clarity and PEACE i feel lately (although I have lonnnng way to go) well it is priceless :) Thank you Dr Ramani!
Yes Dr Ramani , everything boils down to empathy towards others in normal relationships. Only when you feel what the other person goes through you understand their pains and struggles . That’s where you know you are empathetic and healthy and you forgive them though they hurt you.
My wife doesn’t insult me or curse at me directly, but she does curse gratuitously, frequently, and loudly, interjected through rants about anything from politics to not being able to find the outfit she wants. I’ve also had a therapist tell me that, the way I described it to her, I was being gaslit by my wife. So I decided to record one of her rants, confronted her as gently as I could (just in case I was wrong!). She said to my face that she didn’t remember her malicious rant and that it wasn’t a big deal, that “anybody who knew [her] would know it [wasn’t] a big deal.” This was with the recording in hand, and we’ve been together six years. At this point the only thing that baffles me is how profoundly she believes her own lies.
Omg. This sounds like my ex husband to a T. He was mean and cruel. I knew he was cruel but I couldn’t hate him to fully get over the pain and that was 30 years ago. I just realized it was also trauma bonded with my ex. I’m also loyal to a fault so it was the perfect combination . Thanks for the ah ha moment.
This was such an eye opener for me thanks so much for sharing! This video will literally change my life forever because I never been so sure about leaving and understanding why ‼️
Thank you so much you cleared up all the points.The toxic person loves to insult you without any reason .tell you your are made all the time go get help.denies every thing he made or do.god help us
I'd really like to see you talk about the narcissist's child who serves as a mirror. One who can't stray far from a shared identity with the narcissist and when they do, they become the scapegoat. But while they serve as the mirror, they might think they're the golden child. It is such a complicated position, one that isn't really summarized in talk about either the golden child or the scapegoat because both and neither are true at once. The child themself was never golden, but they were treated golden because they reflected the image of the narcissist. The child may identify more as a scapegoat, but that sense can't be validated by others because the child got praise as a mirror. Its complex. Anyhow, I'd love to hear your thinking.
I never understood prior to learning about NPD why my wife would get so mad regarding restaurants. She would ask/tell me what I was going to get prior in the day. If I changed my mind while ordering she would get so mad at me, shut down and give me the silent treatment until i apologized. I could never understand how anyone could get so angry at someone changing their food desire on a whim, especially when they weren’t going to be eating it or paying for it.
I just got out of a 22 year marriage of a narcissistic abuse and I had to go through 2 years of therapy to even make a decision to divorce. But I was determined. I felt confused all the time and doubted myself all along. Still I am not out of it completely.When I talked some people in my community, they said it’s normal to have such things in relationships , why are you making a big deal out of it! It’s heartbreaking to hear that since some people have no idea what we go through.
"Regular relationship problems do not leave people feeling as though their reality and indentity were stolen", wow so true! ❤️
exactly what hit hard
People regularize narcissistic abuse because more people have narcissistic traits these days than the past. We're in the Era of Narcissism. Bible says in the End Days.......lovers of self etc. So manyy children have been raised in narc homes. They don't know anything else. So sad. Pity that person who thinks it's regular
Love this lady! She helped me through my last 2 years so much
Few people really love you, but don't tell you.
All narcissists tell you, but don't really love you.
Mine never told me he loved me or that i was beautiful. The best i could get was "you look cute" and "i care about you" and those were heard like once or twice 😂
I had an awakening yesterday and I realized that I have been living with this man for years and it hasn't been overnight but a systematic silence and destruction of my heart and soul. I'm finally ready to get out.
@@robertataylor5794
I think you are really insensitive and you don't have any idea about what emotional and physical and sexual abuse does to anyone.
You need to pick your words out to be a little bit more kind
I wish we only had to go through this once. The ruminating phase of healing results to relive this experience many times over. In time, you will not ruminate as often or intense, but you must put your focus on the present time and focus on yourself.
Do it but only if you are sure you can get away because if you come back they will see it as affirmation of all their past abuse and consent to do it again with a vengeance
@@nateo200
Thanks for the advice and I appreciate it and I have been in touch with an Attorney. I will 🚫 be back. I don't give a shit about the people who are going to trash me for going through this and getting my shit together and getting my ass out of it and the other guy can keep his hate to himself. Sounds like he has some abuse issues 😕
@@fallon7616 anybody who trashes you for this can fight me irl
When it first started for me, I was told, “oh I’m sorry you’re so sensitive, I didn’t realize you can’t take a joke, I’ll never joke with you again”. I can take lots of jokes! I laugh at myself constantly. The big difference was, when other friends have made jokes toward me, it never left me feeling less than, hurt, or questioning my feelings about the mere act of someone joking at my expense.
Exactly. Joking shouldn't feel like a dagger to the heart.
AND, you were free to joke back with those friends. But in a bad relationship, you wouldn't dare.
I have literally just experienced this on a date with someone - the fact that my late father was the same got me to recognise the signs. That someone can make you cry, and then make YOU feel like the bad guy speaks volumes
@@Hannah-ph9yu oh yes, RUUUUN! I am glad you recognized it so quickly. It sucks, but the less you’ve invested in someone like this, the easier it is to walk away.
Grapjeeeee….. meaning ‘just joking’. I heard this comment every time I was deeply hurt. And then I was always told that I was too stupid to see the difference between een joke and an insult. And never it was said this way to be an insult, they said. Just a joke. How could I think they would insult me? But always, looking back, it was in reality just a very sick comment at my expense. So it WAS an insult!
I grew up in a home where insults were constant. You can’t imagine how disappointed I was when the devaluation started with my ex. The love bombing was so intense, I never saw it coming. I thought he’d finally give me what I always wanted: safe love. Boy, was I wrong!
I'm sorry you grew up that way! You didn't deserve to be insulted and made to feel unsafe by anyone around you. I'm assuming you made it out of your relationship with your ex and im so happy you were able to. You are worth more than that!
When I was 10 years old, I remember my mother introducing me to one of her police friends:
“ and this is my big, dumb kid”
Charming, yes?
I shrank into myself, as a turtle pulls its head in for protection.
@@annalisa14that's a terrible memory to have . I'm so sorry your mom did that to you.
How long did it take for him to start devaluing you?
❤
When I first saw Mr. Rogers in my esrly teens, i cried because i was wondering why my own parents couldnt talk that nicely to me. Thank you for confirmation and validation.
That happened for me in my forties. No wonder they always shunned and encouraged others to shun certain entertainers etc. Thank Goodness for Mr. Rogers and other real and caring persons.
@@michignamymichigan Amen!!! ❤️ 💙 💜 💖 💗 💘 ❤️ 💙
OMG😮
Me too. I cried. I was an adult!
@@walker449d (((((((((walker!!!!))))))))))
For so many years I asked myself the same question as to why I felt empty ,lonely, resentment and most of all I felt scared.
I felt the same you are not alone. I feared the uncertainty of my future and being alone. I had a job opportunity to travel out of state and rented a fully furnished live in trailer located at a camp ground in the woods. I spent 18 months alone and had gotten a cat for company. I really learned a lot about myself and over came the fear of being alone.
I understand this so much ❤
@@tarasutton1756me too😢whenever were im with him i fell miserable i cant understand
Regular relationships give space for others to be at the table, not be dismissive or belittle of others experiences.
This quote, “Healthy relationships leave a healthy margin for error, are open, communicative and do not have a punitive standard.” Yep my ex is definitely a narcissist.
Or he can be something else, not necessarily a Narc. Many behavioral traits that match the description of a N are also found with other categories of people. In our culture, all traits are often contributed to this construct. However, that is not always scientifically true. It can be another diagnosis, primary or secondary. When we hear about one condition, we tend to identify with it, which may or may not be true. Just another thought. Your gut feelings may know better.
@@dpetinatos this is true. The simplicity of my comment doesn’t show that I’ve been researching this disorder for 15 years now and he has every trait not just the one I mentioned. He said he hears voices so he may be schizophrenic but that doesn’t explain his total lack of empathy, his grandiosity etc. I know people with pretty much every other behavioral issues and it is nothing like those.
these lessons from Dr R, show me my 1st ex was very very very narc. my current is a narc, but, not "as bad" as my first. but, for sure, I married another one!!! and I feel stuck and alone.
When somebody loves you they just wouldn't do the things a narcissist does. If they love you, they care and respect everything you do even if they don't really care about it. They let you be yourself cause they love you for you. After being with a narcissist, you can barely recognize real love anymore. You can't figure out how anybody could love you.
Wow yes! He has made me feel like I am so unlovable and terrible so that no one could love me.
Thanks for all you do. I have never had a healthy relationship, but you helped me crack the code. NEVER AGAIN.
Hi Wendy, I am the same as you, so many narcissists in my life, I too will never allow this again. Xx
@@DebraJayne I'm 54, so I hope you figured it out earlier than I did. This kind of information wasn't readily available on the internet for free until recently, and it literally saved my life. Mental housecleaning is hard work but it's worth it, because I feel so much better. I'm finally finding my real self.
@@WendyDrayke Hi Wendy, I’m so pleased you are out of the situation, I’m 58 and I have been brought up with a narcissistic father which has made me very vulnerable to abusive and controlling men. The information on RUclips is helping a lot.
Keep strong xx
@@DebraJayne aw, thanks. Hope you're doing well. It's a real light bulb moment when you finally figure out why you keep attracting people who turn out to be the same kind of monster.
Thank you, Dr. R.! Most ppl throw the words NA, like ……. Not even understanding what some go through…
68 and finally escaped!
T.Y. S. For all your help.❤
I literally have no idea what a “normal” relationship is. Thank you ❤
Me neither.
I just showed my partner a clip talking about normal relationships and he stormed out of the room… he said “but you are holding me back” sooo yeah I think I know it’s really time to move on
self awareness is not part of the equation
Mine tells me "could you turn that down I don't want to hear it" ! Remember you deserve to be happy and loved !
Run !!! I wasted 37 years and counting. Get out while you can 🍀
My response eventually to being called out for things I'd done ONCE many years ago was to tell my wife "For normal people, an apology is the first step to reconciling things. You apologize, and it's forgotten if you actually don't do it anymore. For you, it's just an admission of guilt, to be used against me forever. So i'm never apologizing to you again until you learn to behave like an actual human being." I'm still trapped in a hoirrlbe divorce, and getting the courts to force her out borders on being impossible. But viewing her as a demon inhabiting a human body makes it a lot easier to just shrug off her attempts to manipulate. I just hit record on the cameras the minute she walks in the room, and tell her to go away.
I wanna know what the thing you did once many years ago was though
It’s GOOD to hear the comparison between Normal and Narcissistic relationships.
We need to hear this frequently. Thank you Dr Ramani
Yes, it is necessary. That is a good point, generally speaking. We get so often entangled in problems that sometimes we lose direction. Thank you for your remark.
Yep, narcs are happy to dish it out but the moment someone takes a jab at them, game over!
The problem with narcissists is that anything can be an insult to them. A joke, a criticism, or just expressing your need. Anything that doesn't validate their reality and that can cause conflicts will be viewed as an insult to them and used it as a justification to rage at you and blaming you for it, saying later that you insulted them first... The guilt-tripping and blame are really strong because you learned to walk in eggshelfs by fear of being "disrespectful" Also, please doctor Ramanu can you do a video about respect, I feel it is misused a lot, I hear many people call others disrespectful about almost anything, when conflicts arise, instead of trying to solve the problem people are shamed and called disrespectful and are force to change behaviors. Toxic people use the word respect to force people to walk on eggshells and I cringe each time someone talks about the word respect.
Yes everything even a compliment can be an insult to them.
Omg this! I never dealt with a man (the narcissist) so obsessed with “respect.” Anything I said could be construed as disrespect to him and he’d go into a narcissistic rage. Exhausting. Thank you for sharing your experience, mine was maddening and I feel less alone 🩵🙏🏼
Wow, insult is the love language of narcissist and that was exactly what my ex told me that I was too serious and I wasn’t getting his jokes. In my head I kept thinking how could that be possibly healthy… and yet he says that was the way he grew up and they do “jokes” like that all the time in their family.
My husband has begun calling me a prude recently. I just don't find his crude, sexually explicit "flirting" to be much of a turn on in my late 30's. It hurts my feelings when he calls me difficult to get into bed and that he "misses the old days when I was always ready for him." I'm going in for surgery in a week to hopefully find thst endometriosis is the cause of my pain and no libido issues. I'm getting more and more worried that I just may not be attracted to my husband. For 2 years now, I've been broken down, yelled at, cussed out, and blamed/taken blame for our dying spark, zero intimacy, and none existing sex-life. My daughters have watched and heard all of this on a weekly basis the whole time. It's hard to be "excited" to see him when he gets home in an angry, mopey, distant/isolated, negative mood. He says he wouldn't be so stressed out all the time if we had an active, healthy sex-life. He would do more things to help me around the house if we had sex because it's like incentive. He's always asking if our oldest daughter and I are mad at him or if we are ok. He does this so much that it gets irritating and that gives him what he was seeking. Now someone is upset with him, now he can pick a fight, criticize us for something totally random, and he'll do this until we're bawling our eyes out. He does this until he starts in with how he's the victim. He says things that he knows are absolutely not true, but he says things out of spite to be hurtful on purpose. Then he starts his cooldown phase. This is his apologetic part of the cycle, and I'm convinced at this point that all he is seeking to hear is that he's forgiven. That's all he wants. He "love bombs" our youngest daughter and he only gives her respect because she is " slightly autistic" and at almost 7 years old, she is mentally about 4. Will he treat her the same way as he treats her big sister once she's her age? I am beginning to worry that I will go full Momma Bear to protect my children, and that event will change everything. I will take the pain of all the abuse because I chose him, but I will not stand by and watch him do that to children, especially our own. Sorry so long of a comment, but I'm not sleeping very well tonight. My mind keeps analyzing, doubting, questioning, and re-analyzing everything. He blames his behavior on the "stupid people he works with", "sexual frustration", I "don't give him enough time and attention", or "everyone is being difficult ".
I bring up the past to show how we have the same fight, but different argument all the time. Not because I haven't forgotten his hurtful words and actions, but because he continues to do them in different, yet same, ways.
I do the same because the same issues come up in a different form
THIS !!!! i feel like im just dragging up the past, gaslighting them about things, but they NEVER change the things just change but the patterns dont. I do many of the same things narcs do because of my BPD and chronic gaslighting
Having a malignant narcissistic father and a self righteous narcissistic stepmother who viewed me as an anathema( leading me to having relationships with malignant self righteous people) a normal relationship with all its pitfalls sounds like heaven to me 😊
Mirroring, triangulation, future-faking, guilt-tripping, blame-shifting, absence of accountability, bizarre behaviour on birthdays, lying, baiting and needless provocation, and disappearing acts are all hallmarks.
The insults start out sutal and then they get worse. Then they get mad and say your not listening to them because you're not agreeing with them.
The devaluation via the discard was traumatizing. The betrayal and instant abandonment.
Yes! It's like they stop loving someone over time. It is terrifying, it is abandonment
11:04 difficult ppl store up bad things u did and March out such evidence when needed to shut down a convo deflect it and make it impossible to discuss anything current… I’m a lawyer and I found the narcissist so exhausting. Thank u for flagging this. Such tactic was always used and my emotions clouded my thinking to see clearly. God bless Ramani
It doesn't always have insults, sometimes it only has dishonesty, cheating, invalidation by discard. The feeling of disrespect is unbelievable
I thought I was the problem. I was extremely depressed, distressed, anxious, sometimes suicidal. I was suffering in my relationship, but as I couldn't change him, I worked on myself - for years. In therapy, I was advised to improve our 'communication issues' by saying "When you say (X), I feel (Y)". I knew that would be utterly useless in our situation, and it was. Another time I tried to improve things with an idea from a relationship advice video, where one starts the day asking one's partner "What can I do to make your day better?" The only effect that had was to make me even more abjectly in his power. He virtually gloated.
Maybe in a normal relationship, these two methods might be useful. That they were so absolutely pointless in my situation makes sense to me now that I know I was dealing with a narcissist. I am so glad I finally got out before I killed either him or myself. It took me about seven years to get over the relationship, and to finish grieving what could have/ought to have been (we have two children). Now, 13 years further down the track, I am still healing.
Good luck to everyone here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, Dr Ramani.
My family didn't want to hear about it. One of them said, It hurts them to hear that I am being hurt so, they didn't want to talk about it. I had to call the cops one time and the cops said it was my fault because I let him in my house. I never felt so alone in my whole life. You really hit every point.
It's so hard fighting it on your own; I felt like a Jewish person would have felt boarding with the SS, I could trust no one and every word must be carefully thought out before speaking; my mum and stepdad died, I could move the boxes and chair from the bedroom door and it felt WONDERFUL!
My one saying is when you love someone you lift them up you don’t tear them down .
My saying was, surround yourself with fountains (aka ppl who lift your up), Not Drains (aka ppl who bring you down) My daughter is my best fountain. And my mother too. 😊 I don't have drains anymore!😅
I like these!
These relationships make you feel like u don't know whether you are coming or going.
I have never been in a healthy relationship. I was told no one is perfect. Everyone has marriage problems, you marry for life. Just because it’s hard you don’t walk away. These are the things we’re all told. Thank you for sharing the truths! Keep up the good work. Our youth need to hear this.
I'm proud of myself for contining to exercise boundaries with my narc mom especially post divorce. However I see how even when I was a child and resisted sexual abuse of a caretaker's husband, my mother's response still rings in my ears. It baffled and confused me at age 6 as she played as she deflected, talked about how difficult it was to find alterative childcare. I told my grandma and after that my sister and I never returned.My narc mom still has my wedding picture on her piano--almost 3 years after my divorce was finalized. I approached her about taking it down but she deflected. So I find myself creating more space, especially when she triangulated with other family members.
Thank you Dr Ramani. You continue to allow me (just letting you know!) to allow myself to ACTUALLY BELIEVE I'm not crazy, when it comes to seeing through a narcissistic so-called friendship.
I'm not crazy in this way. I'm just getting over believing I don't have a life. I have a life!!! ♥️ And the amazing thing is I've always known that I have a life. A person can't NOT have a life! You only think you don't have a life when you're caught in a so-called friendship with someone who has convinced you of that part of you that is convinced that you don't have a LIFE.
@ patrick
The self doubt inflicted on victims in these toxic entanglements are so very real & keep a victim living in the place of "never enoughness "
So happy to have eventually escaped 🎉
I must say that you are brilliant Doctor Ramani. Another quality video from you.
I have shared Doctor Ramani so others I know can have the knowledge too. I know some who have had very toxic, manipulative and what seems to be narcissistic behavioral traits. You even helped me with skills I needed in order to begin the recovery from narcissistic abuse.
You rock Doctor Ramani!! Thank you again and again for what you do to help others!!!
Thanks to you Dr. Ramani I gained the courage to break out of the immense suffering of 38 years of Narcissistic abuse by my husband! It will be so imperative to listen to you everyday to strengthen me during this difficult transition. There are going to be a lot of flying monkeys and revenge tactics.
I feel the same. Everyday I am listening to this lovely woman. It is so validating. I am full of rage, so much has been suppressed in order to get through each day. I hope we will have peace soon. Thinking of you
@@annieobrien83 Thank you dear.
I don't know why but I can see unresolved pain in Dr Ramani's eyes - like she still doesn't show herself after all these years because her authentic self is wounded so much. Maybe it's just my view but I sense it when I look at her because I likely went through similar things.
God loves your Dr Ramani. It doesn't matter if you're wounded or not. You're an amazing person. Thanks for your many educational videos.
Insults vs. criticism. I understand the difference to be that criticism has some basis in fact whereas insults do not. For example, "Your paper did not go deep enough on X part of the topic" is a criticism whereas "Your paper was a piece of garbage" is an insult. My covert narcissist mother was extremely critical. My grandiose narcissist ex partner insults me regularly. Although the insults are harder to take, incessant criticism can also be soul destroying.
Shout out to all fellow warriors! Dr Ramani, along with my therapist, taught me how to handle these pos! All the narcs in my life are pissed! TYSM! 😂🙏🏼👍🏼💯
Dr. Ramani, your videos and your compassion have changed my entire life. I have been born into a narcissistic family system, married into one, and parented narcissistic children. I am grateful that I can see what it is and respond appropriately. It feels good to know that I am a person of love, light, truth, compassion and human decency. It’s what keeps me on the planet, knowing the difference, and that I am worthy of those things. ❤
"Are you in a NORMAL or NARCISSISTIC relationship?"
Nope. I'm in my 50's now and I have never been in ANY relationship, period. Unless you count my single-parent covert narcissistic mother who finally passed away in 2014, which means prior to 2014, yes and since then, no. She was an excellent example of why "relationships" really aren't a good thing. For the first 43 years of my life, I desperately craved both serenity and isolation. To me, they are both the same thing as I am absolutely convinced I cannot have one without the other. I use both "serenity" and "isolation" interchangeably, so when I mention either one I always mean both at the same time.
I don't even know what a "normal" relationship is, or means. I've no concept to go on. Are those even possible? I have heard of them, but then I have heard of unicorns and munchkins too and I've never seen either one except on TV, in movies, and in fantasy books.
I'm not sure I know what a "relationship" is, since the only significant one I've ever had was my mother. I suppose there's the "relationship" I have with my therapist. Does that count?
Oh, sorry. Was that multiple-choice?? Yeah, I gave up on the concept of "relationship" a long time ago. I just prefer being alone, and will probably stay that way, hopefully.
You are not alone. I do hope we improve with work and time. It is a glimmer, what I could become, thanks to the education.
You speak so eloquently for me also. I did try relationships beyond Mother and they both proved destructive to my very sense of self and self respect. No more!
Normal relationships are real, it's just not as common where you are I guess? I was the opposite, I grew up in a loving home, with a loving family, so yes, loving families exist, they aren't unicorns. However, for me, I met my sociopathic ex, and couldn't believe the opposite. That narcissists, psychopaths, etc, were so cruel. So, so...evil. It was mind boggling to me, still is.
Anyways, just wanted to say that, yes, healthy families/relationships exist.
Thank you. Small words, BIG feeling, for so sweetly and freely sharing your gift of care.
My homeless sister asked if she could stay with me for a bit till she got on her feet. I had been in my apartment for about a month after my husband kicked me out of the house and I am ALSO trying to get on my feet. I took her to my storage unit to get my grill and brickets for a cookout. She looked at my stuff and said "no wonder he kicked you out". Of course I felt bad. I'm trying to be there for her with the little I have to offer. I left when my husband kicked me out because it was 43 years of his covert treatment that I am still healing from and then SHE comes along. I did discuss it with her about her comment but that red flag is still flying high. I feel surrounded by these passive aggressive manipulative people. I have boundaries and I keep them dusted well, but the best thing I know what to do is live alone and not help others. They feel free to manipulate at will. I just don't have it in me to keep them in line, I'd rather them be out of my life.
Yes Dr. Ramani in my Toxic relationship I lived on eggshells, never knowing what would set him off ,having him looking at me with this stare that never looked the same, go into a Rage then in a few mins. later acting like nothing just happened He would hide things from me etc.😮
I honestly up until this point didn't realize that in a healthy family there are no insults. My entire upbringing was the complete opposite. NOW, I don't put up with insults. I had the female person that brought me up narcissist tell me one time that " I was insulting her, her entire life" boo hoo
Yes, a family sport for me. Snappiest comeback, sharpest put-down, nothing is good enough.
@@AnnePerkins-po5jo THANK YOU! I thought I was the ONLY one.
I still wait for the other shoe in all friendships.
@@rosemaryclarke2348 Same here (for that fact) EVERY RELATIONSHIP!!!!
I could never throw out things for charities as she would furiously say that I was throwing out her things and even look through it all to make sure. I'm giving things to charities now and no one is angry any more. The anger was better than her storming out and ignoring me all the rest of the week.
I thought I was in a narc relationship for a long time but it turns out I'm the one with the problem(s). I feel so bad for what I put him through. My mind won't let me believe him and inturn I say I hate him and I know he's lying. I've been doing so much research on narcissism trying to figure it out that I think im actually the one with narcissism. I bring up old stuff that I can't seem to get over...even if it was something I did! It's hard for me to move on from things if they're playing a part or still affect me today.
A major part of narcissism is lack of empathy and self awareness.
A major part of high functioning autism (at least the ones I know) is ruminating on things to the point of obsession and sometimes driving others around them crazy.
It’s true you could have narcissistic wounds from growing up around narcissists or living with one long term. That can look like narcissism without being full blown narcissist. Because of what I said above…most narcissists never come to self awareness.
I wonder if he didn’t gaslight you into thinking you’re the narcissist in the relationship?
Wow. Firstly, well done for spotting it and trying to do something about it. That takes courage. If you can afford it, try and get some professional help and support. Good luck.
I’m finding this is me too…at least you (and I) can recognize the problem!! It’s a very hard thing to recognize what you are doing, yourself! I wish you the best and hope you can heal and move past this 💙!
@@someoneyoudontknow7705 thank you! It's been very challenging. All we can do it be aware and control what WE do and say and I wish you the best as well! Keep your head up!
@@MadHatter-s3t thank you very much for saying that! I feel your support ❤
oh wow yes.
as a child i was insulted regularly. so i ended up in friendships where my friends also put me down. i formed this idea that i had to "prove myself" and "be better" for people to care about me. i found myself in alot of relationships where i was treated badly and i thought i deserved it.
in my marriage, it's much the same. "you're so fat" i get that one alot. except i'm not fat and never really have been. "you're so lazy" except that i do 99% of everything around the house and with the kids.
and when i point out how much it hurts i'm told that i'm the one that's "insulting" him...
the "i'm in a relationship AND..." changed everything for me in my mindset. thank you so much dr ramini. i've been binge watching your videos for the last few months and it's given voice to everything i've been thinking and feeling.
Yes...Hug
Become disciplined enough to go about your business doing you! You have yourself to consider first. Dont be vulnerable, needy or desperate. Fill your life with self purpose. Everyone is on a different path and keep your boundaries solid. Be confident in your choices as nobody is you. 💯🎯
Yup. My ex used to insult me to the point of tears in public. A specific example I can think of was when we were trying a new burger truck and as I was about half finished my food he insulted my food choice and called me a glutton despite my meal being healthier and probably lower calorie than his. Tears started welling up in my eyes but may not have been noticeable yet and I was looking around for somewhere to make an excuse to go to, but fortunately one of the kids suddenly had to go to the bathroom and I took them. I silently cried while they were going and stifled the tears by the time they were finished. He started again when I got back and I pointed out that my food was healthier than his but instead of apologizing or admitting he could be wrong he simply said that I looked like a glutton because there was more food than he had
Contrast this with a healthy relationship with a friend of mine. She is very short (approx 5 feet even or maybe a bit less) but she is fine with that. One day 3 of us were out together and my dog, Maya (7 1/2 lbs) was with us. We felt a couple of rain drops and I commented that if it rained she could just walk under my dog to stay dry. She laughed as hard as the rest of us. No one got hurt.
Thanks for making me laugh. I too feel that way about the Hallmark movies. They are so not based in reality and sadly some think life is like a Hallmark movie. Ignorance is bliss. But then I don't enjoy dressing up for Halloween either.
I pray to experience a normal health relationship.
What if they don't put you down directly, but they are constantly complaining about pretty much everyone else? Like no one, and nothing is good enough for them? But they butter you up/keep you on the hook with breadcrumbing?
Dr Ramini. I hope you get to see this. Firstly, thank you so so much for all you do here. You're amazing. I am seeing a psychotherapist because of the way I have been treated throughout my life. Mostly, my mother has done all the damage. I have assumed she is a narcissist for the last few years. Her behaviour certainly ticks a LOT of the boxes. My therapist though, said she could be neurodiverse. My brother is very very black and white with everything. One of his daughters seems to be narcissistic and his son is borderline autistic. Diagnosed. I seem to have ADHD. I have looked up neurodiversity and can make no sense of it. The difference between that and narcissism. If possible, please could you help shine some light on that and the differences, if you haven't already. I'm confused. Thank you so much. :)
I feel like she might have done a video on that.
But also consider this... your psych might not be versed in harmful behaviors. (You know your mum has done harm. Thats the bottom line)
Tryin to think... i know she compared the borderline style with narcs, she showed the difference between autism and narcs... i hope she put them in a playlist.... sorry i cant recall more than that just now😅
@@ninjakitteh9095 Thank you. Dr Ramani has done so many!
My family did all that Dr Ramani mentioned in this video, only after I left my job and couldn't support them financially. They left me completely confused. Their insults, shaming, smear campaign and abandonment while I was struggling to get another job was getting too much to take that I learned to be on my own. It's sad when they knew that i was not aware about narcissism until 3 years ago.
Hug
So, so, so well explained! I shared with our friend who is in a 26 year unhealthy relationship/marriage and he said it is spot on! This knowledge and understanding helps with clarity!
Thank you as usual for this much needed video. My covert narcissist wouldn’t rage. He would gaslight make insulting jokes and belittle or just go silent. He was extremely passive aggressive would invalidate me and make snotty cocky remarks always just to make me angry then say ok psycho.
I grew up in an insulting setting with an unhappy parent. I try to forget that. It is hard!!!
Very informative. Glad I left my narssisist years ago
You are right dr Ramani. Narcisistic relationship problems are not regular relationships problems. They do not rob you of yourself and leave you a shell of a human being.
Thank you for being honest and forthright about choosing to stay or leave. Sometimes I think trading this horrible relationship for something unknown may be a bigger set of problems. so you , stating truths and how to navigate within the narc's abuse is very empowering and helpful. I still get sucked into it..but not for any length of time. And I no longer blame myself. Thank you
The Narc would say shitty things, I would react and then he would say "I'm only kidding' or "Stop being so sensitive".... typical Narc
My dad’s favorite saying was you hurt the ones you love the most. My uncles and aunts (his bros & sisters) were all so horrible to me and my dad expected me to take it because he told me that it was a sign of how much they loved me. I spent my whole life confused and feeling awful. It affected my relationships. I now know I been picking men that are like my dad! These videos have really helped me to see the reality before me. I definitely want to go through some counseling
Thank you for clarifying that because those enablers love to gaslight!
Thank you dr Ramoni , im so so hurt by insults by my current relationship...i worshiped the ground he walked on
I need this. Every workplace has it in my face in one way or another. Keep to myself as much as possible. It’s not the best.
I value marraige not knowing im in the narsistic relationship.i dont know now how to withdraw from it..
I felt so broken inside
So glad I listened to this today. Spoke the core of what I’ve been struggling with.
When I started noticing the real face of my brother’s wife, I was told for many months that it was “normal.” However, I lived with them for a few months to help babysit 3 kids, one being a neonate, and she completely took advantage of me. Once they put the baby in childcare then she dropped me, estranged mine and my bothers relationship.
Recently, the abuse has escalated towards my brother, and she attacked him according to both my nephews who are 10 and 13.
My family has finally started to see that all the red flags I pointed out for years are 100% valid.
She shoved me the day before my wedding just 3 weeks ago bc she wasn’t the center of attention, I believe, and made up a reason for why the 10 year old was in trouble. I’ve seen her spank him excessively for no reason other than the 10 year old not watching the now 3 year old.
After she shoved me, I looked at my brother, and he said I was in her effing way on how she raises her son.
Next day, my wedding day, she acts so fake and turns it around that I am the one that hurt her feelings.
My brother is a very non confrontational man, he is so compassionate, and I worry for him and the kids beyond words.
Here I am…here for it!
This has been the most helpful video I've watched yet. Wow. Thank you.
Spot on Dr Ramani! Thank You! ❤ Thank You also for the validation and knowing we can turn the ship around and choose a healthy future! ❤
SIGNS YOU ARE IN A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP:
1) INSULTS: They are psychological daggers. The comments hurt you.
2) BRINGING UP PAST MISTAKES: The narcissist has a terrible memory of things that matter to you, but they will easily remember or remind you by bringing up a past mistake. You walk on eggshells in worry & fear of them bringing up that past failure/mistake as a weapon against you.
3) IT IS NOT JUST REGULAR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS: Your reality & sense of self are being tested all the time. You feel confused & helpless in the relationship. Nothing you do seems to make things better. Your feedback is met with rage. You have to walk on eggshells to survive. You cutoff more & more of your true self in who you are. This ALL happens on a regular day.
4) NORMAL VS. NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP: Normal is a healthy relationship, example of eating a healthy meal with salmon, quiona, steamed veggies, fruit for dessert, low salt or there might be a baked potato on that plate with butter instead of the quinoa & maybe a little extra salt or pumpkin pie slice for dessert instead of the fruit; that's "normal". It's healthy enough, but not perfect. Narcisstic is very unhealthy, the plate has a supervised fries 🍟 on it, a big sugary milkshake, a sugary drink, a bag of chips, a big piece of cake 🎂 and a piece of pie. Keep eating like this, & it will destroy your body!
Increíble truth. Thank you so much Dr Ramani all your informative vídeos are priceless. Blessings and peace to everyone ✨🙏✨
27:40 I love that!!! "It's a Fair World After All"
Dr Ramani
So I was a latchkey kid in a small family. The woman I was hanging out with said she was raised in a large family with lots of people. We talked about buying property together. The future etc etc. then the devaluation came after I told her how I felt about her. Then it was the I always told you we were only ever just going to be friends. We spent everyday texting and talking. Phone calls until 12 midnight and then phone calls the next morning. Texting and lots of attention. It made no sense. Then she wouldn’t for weeks talk about what I had said. She swept it under the rug and just kept up the regular communication as if I had never said how I felt about her. Something seemed way off and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then the harassment came where she would call and say”are you crying in your pillow over me?” I was like yes. Yes I was and why would you call and harass me about this. What’s your problem? Then adding to conversations about ex boyfriends she still talks to and who she hangs out with and I was like please stop telling me about that. I asked for boundaries and nothing.
And she made sure to double down and I was like. Have a nice life.
And now I feel way better but it has taken time to get through the aftermath of being mess around with.
Love every video! After my relationship with someone like that, I hope to never again cross paths to someone similar! It was literally a LIFE-CHANGHING experiencem but in the worst way possible.
This is exactly what I talk about in regard to certain situations. Thank you
Feeling afraid to give my opinion, or express my feelings on their behavior, words..this person will blow up for being called out.
needed to hear this... you look good in red!!!!!! i'm struggling but healing...
You are told you live in the past when you bring up something that just happened. The resolution of the current event overshadowed by a finger pointing game.
Eventually you play that game with them as well. The cycle is then blamed on you. If only you didn't live in the past is what they say. Everything would be okay if you didn't.
The past had so many lies and as the years go on and they forget you start to hear the truths. No matter how you bring it to them you are not to question their reality. You are to swallow the past with a finger in your chest pointing out your flaws.
All of that to make you forget what just happened which is now the past to them. Effectively putting an end to your voice and swallowing their reality.
I love the backpack purse idea. I do it too. I knew you were super cool
I’ve been trying to figure out if my SO is a covert narcissist or not (or maybe it’s me?) and I think this particular video has finally clarified it. The exact situation as described happened to me, but yet I’ve never told my SO the thing that they did that hurt me more than anything else because to hear them blame me for it or deflect it would be crushing.
ok got a question here,
when i keep record of the things the narcissist in my life does and bring it up to show a pattern of their behavior it gets thrown back at me as if i'm the one that's bad because "why can't you just forgive, why do you have to bring up the past all the time?" even if it's something that literally happened earlier in the day.
i'm told that i'm "holding a grudge" and "unforgiving" when i say things like "based on the pattern of the actions you took previously..."
i'm told that i'm the problem in the relationship because i "just don't let it go" but the patterns never change, i'm just supposed to "forget" that it ever happened. i get the "forgive and forget" thrown at me all the time and i start to wonder if i really am the problem or not.
I hear this all the time. I tell my girlfriend that's it hard to let go of yesterday when it's still happening today.
You are NOT the problem. That whole “why can’t you just forgive?!” nonsense is a way to shame and/or manipulate you…..please don’t fall for it.
Same!! He says "why are you so cold hearted? Why won't you just give a little?"
That is classic gaslighting
Excellent video n love that you broke it down a bit more n gave some examples of a "normal" relationship as so many things really do feel like their in the eye of the beholder aside from actual physical abuse. Then add to that whether it's your spouse, a partner you're heavily invested in like either living together,engaged or hoping to be soon or of course your family of origin you are hard wired to give them the benefit of the doubt as losing them either through repeated arguments or one of you finally walking away. So a state of denial is at play understandably for awhile anyway. But the longer it goes on n the pattern well established along with perhaps you're growing awareness either through reading books,watching videos or therapy your body is screaming at you to say something and or get out. You can silence it for a bit but not forever. It's not that you're intentionally looking for signs but you just can't help noticing them. If you have already tried to discuss how you feel in person,via a letter or even in counseling and they continue to not understand or better yet pretend not to, do as Dr. Ramini says n diverts n misdirect even in front of a non skilled and/ or weak therapist who is unable to call them out. I'm glad you pointed out that not only regular people in your life but even your own therapist does not seem to understand what's at play. I can understand that in the beginning but after you e told them numerous stories n given other information about your life, you'd think they'd be able to put things together a bit more than the average person. I went to therapy for the 1st time at the age of 42 n currently 57. I've not seen anyone for the past nearly 4. Over the course of those 15 years I saw 4 therapist with significant regularity meaning once a week for 45 min for at least a year. Two of these therapists I saw for 2.5 n 3 years respectively. I had my mother anywhere from 1-8 sessions with 3 of my first 3 therapist. My father in 3-4 times with one therapist,where he actually insisted he go to therapist twice in his own before 2 long joint sessions with me,my mother n the therapist. He felt quite strongly that he couldn't go without that bc he wanted the therapist to have a better understanding of him n where he's coming from. Uhhh isn't that why you should get your own therapy but ok. Unfortunately I guess the therapist didn't get where he's coming from enough not to put him in a pedestal n not push back a bit in session so my father having gotten defensive at one point enough to blow up n start screaming at the therapist! Each of the therapist handled the situation of my estrangement between my parents n I and eventually my brother n sister slightly differently but none of ever mentioned anything about narcissistic abuse or even emotional use. They just thought my parents being older (70-75 in the beginning but both in great health n not dumb) just "didn't have the tools yet". One therapist even said that my mother was trying and she was at least showing up and went in to tell me about some teen groups she runs where the parents don't even show up. I said "Well that's really awful. I'm sorry to hear that but it really shouldn't be a contest as to who has worse parents. In many ways it would have been far easier for me had they not bc it gave me the false impression as well that they cared n were willing to go which I of course associated with some degree of live for me, buying the relationship enough n possibility for change. Sooo much.ore disappointing to keep putting yourself out there just to be further victimized by new things being said about me, or just refusing to understand basic concepts of having an adult relationship,communication skills n conflict resolution skills. Another therapist saw how unhealthy the whole thing was n completely understood why I did pull away from them n at some point estranged from them but he too never mentioned this. He did at least at some point help me to focus on what I wanted to do about it. The 3rd therapist I saw from 2010-2013 after a suicide attempt n several hospitalizations really did me the most harm with his lack of insight or patho loizibg the wrong person. He was so kind n. compassionate about it n I admired n trusted him so much that along with my own desire for growth,thirst for understanding n still some hope for reconciliation that I too was not so willing to perhaps see the situation n them as hopeless with zero chance of genuine change. This wasted a lot of time that could have been spent in other areas n building up all the sense of self n desire to live that I had lost. This therapist was in his early 30'' and the other 3 all between 40-60 yrs old so it's surprising to me that they didn't understand this themselves, let alone know how to treat it. If course I still got something out of each of these therapists experiences . Unfortunately back then there wasn't all this great content online as I would have listened to it with them and said " see this is what's really going on" Looking back I can see how flawed n dangerous some of these therapists were even if not intentional. I was already being gaslighted by my family at a time this word wasn't in common usage and here was the therapist I liked n trusted doing this in a way as well. He believed everything was a co-creation so that everyone had a role in the problem. Now while this can sometimes be true clearly it isnt always true. Now pair that with his feeling that " Well they aren't my client so I'm not talking to them" Meaning all the opportunities for change etc had to come from me. Dont get me wrong he agreed with me about many things and seemed to have high regard n care for me...maybe even too much as he spent way over an hour with me most sessions and even talked about his own life more than was probably warranted. I think he just played devil's advocate too much for my situation n so it was further gaslighting as I began to sometimes substitute his opinion fur my own. Not fully n not everything as I still had a strong sense of self likely from other past positive friendships n relationships n just being a introspective n logical person but certainly you doubt yourself more n ruminate. So it's so important that you mentioned that even in 2023 many therapists don't get it. How can we change that?
wow yes yes yes, and YES! I just wish i started these videos and found you a year ago lol- Thank you for your videos and expertise! What is that sayin? "better late than never?" Finding myself again, one video at a time, and the clarity and PEACE i feel lately (although I have lonnnng way to go) well it is priceless :) Thank you Dr Ramani!
Yes Dr Ramani , everything boils down to empathy towards others in normal relationships. Only when you feel what the other person goes through you understand their pains and struggles . That’s where you know you are empathetic and healthy and you forgive them though they hurt you.
My wife doesn’t insult me or curse at me directly, but she does curse gratuitously, frequently, and loudly, interjected through rants about anything from politics to not being able to find the outfit she wants. I’ve also had a therapist tell me that, the way I described it to her, I was being gaslit by my wife. So I decided to record one of her rants, confronted her as gently as I could (just in case I was wrong!). She said to my face that she didn’t remember her malicious rant and that it wasn’t a big deal, that “anybody who knew [her] would know it [wasn’t] a big deal.” This was with the recording in hand, and we’ve been together six years.
At this point the only thing that baffles me is how profoundly she believes her own lies.
Omg. This sounds like my ex husband to a T. He was mean and cruel. I knew he was cruel but I couldn’t hate him to fully get over the pain and that was 30 years ago. I just realized it was also trauma bonded with my ex. I’m also loyal to a fault so it was the perfect combination . Thanks for the ah ha moment.
This was such an eye opener for me thanks so much for sharing! This video will literally change my life forever because I never been so sure about leaving and understanding why ‼️
I would love to know your take on the Golden Bachelor couple, Gerry and Teresa!!
Thank you Dr. Ramani for posting these important videos.
At last you find your self respect and limitations .... even if it's 'too late' it's not too late!
The ingredient "love" is present In NORMAL relationships❤️
“Forever paying for the “sins” of the past”!
If your Christian, place your sins, hurt, and lack on Christ. He died for remission of our sins, if we are willing to give them up.
@@adambutler4237But the so-called 'sins' are often not 'sins' at all!
Thank you so much you cleared up all the points.The toxic person loves to insult you without any reason .tell you your are made all the time go get help.denies every thing he made or do.god help us
I'd really like to see you talk about the narcissist's child who serves as a mirror. One who can't stray far from a shared identity with the narcissist and when they do, they become the scapegoat. But while they serve as the mirror, they might think they're the golden child. It is such a complicated position, one that isn't really summarized in talk about either the golden child or the scapegoat because both and neither are true at once. The child themself was never golden, but they were treated golden because they reflected the image of the narcissist. The child may identify more as a scapegoat, but that sense can't be validated by others because the child got praise as a mirror. Its complex. Anyhow, I'd love to hear your thinking.
That is exactly my case. You are so right!
I never understood prior to learning about NPD why my wife would get so mad regarding restaurants. She would ask/tell me what I was going to get prior in the day. If I changed my mind while ordering she would get so mad at me, shut down and give me the silent treatment until i apologized. I could never understand how anyone could get so angry at someone changing their food desire on a whim, especially when they weren’t going to be eating it or paying for it.
I just got out of a 22 year marriage of a narcissistic abuse and I had to go through 2 years of therapy to even make a decision to divorce. But I was determined. I felt confused all the time and doubted myself all along. Still I am not out of it completely.When I talked some people in my community, they said it’s normal to have such things in relationships , why are you making a big deal out of it! It’s heartbreaking to hear that since some people have no idea what we go through.
O man, I LOVED "museum of grievances". So true! Thank you.
My ex always said, Im not hurting you, its you who feels hurt, you sould work on that...🙃😅