4 MAJOR symptoms of narcissistic relationships
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- Опубликовано: 3 июн 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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"It's fatiguing to constantly be future faking yourself." It's soul-sucking. 100%
To catch your cheating spouse
or the beatings, them stealing, lying, and threatening to steal my kid too! it's been a long road out of hell!
We speak about the narc future faking us .. I think I future faked myself into a 35 yr narc thinking it’ll change ..
I have never been so tired or slept so little. I cannot sleep over 4 hours at a time most days.
@@CobCeo I have resorted to Ativan, CBD/THC, Advil PM, and Benedryl. I alternate days so I don't develop a habit, but without them I wake up at 2:30-3:00 AM every night and can't go back to sleep. I have been racking my brain trying to figure out if something happened at this time that I'm trying to remember.
Marriage shouldn't be a prison
Narcissistics should be in jail
Dateline teaches us MARRIAGE leads to murder😂😂😂😂😂❤
People today simply don’t take marriage seriously. Nor do they think it takes any “work” to maintain their marriage. Very few people experience “actual” narcissistic relationships. Chances are it is the persons own baggage that is making them feel this way.
Don’t listen to some of the folks in the comments. That one comment was absolutely spoken like a narcissist
Sigh.....17+ years of it. And still scared to leave now as I was then. The domineering and controlling and bossy and manipulative and hateful responses when they don't get their way. "IT IS WHAT IT IS" "YOU'LL GET OVER IT" I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT GETTING SMART WITH MEEEEEE" "I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO"
I've lost myself years ago. And yes "more than enough" is exhausting. I am just existing in the matrix. Their system and demands and never being good enough puts me in a constant fight or flight mode
I had adrenal fatigue all through high school because I was being bullied at home and in school. I dealt with it by going to sleep when I got home in the afternoon. I was obviously depressed from all of the abuse and stress. But thank God I didn’t turn to drugs and alcohol - I just slept to escape the horrors. I’ve been no-contact with my narcissistic family for 10 years now. Despite the HELL I’ve gone through for being their scapegoat - I’m living a pretty good life now. 🙏
Exactly what I went through 😢Bullied at school and home. No peace anywhere.
Yes, i was bullied at home for being gay, so when the kids on the playground started, it seemed normal for me.
@@Mister_Listener I'm so sorry. Has it gotten any better for you?
@@denisethompson1257 well hard to say. I am happiest now than i have ever been and i feel joy more easily, but i am best when i stay home alone as i always worry if i come across like all those awful names Mom and Dad called me when i was bullied, if that makes sense? Life was difficult for me until i cut off all of my relatives, because nobody took my side after a large confrontation at a funeral. That was the final straw and it has been about 6 years but my career has definitely faltered and failed out and stalled. Wish i could afford therapy. What about you? It is impossible to heal when it is coming from home base, i am just hopeful i can keep finding happiness.
Elizabeth--glad to hear you are good 10 years away from them. I am about 6 years free from them, and things are starting to look better for me. It was a rebuilding process for me once i told them to eff off, so i look forward to a really great life someday.
A husband did a weekly airing of the grievances at marriage counseling, the wife couldn’t do or say the right thing and was unable to “meet his needs” (which was the most common complaint. After listening week after week to the endless complaints the marriage counselor finally asked him
“Do you think you’re meeting her needs?”
No response for several minutes. It hadn’t occurred to him because the wife had long ago stopped asking for anything.
Then he said
“She keeps throw pillows on the sofa and wants me to put them back when I take them off. They’re just in the way and shouldn’t be there”. That’s it. Throw pillows. And he couldn’t even accommodate that.
When the couple got home the wife removed the throw pillows and put them in a closet for storage. The husband came into the living room and was furious that the throw pillows were gone and called the wife “passive aggressive”.
Tip: These people refuse to be pleased. Ever. Stop trying and get away from them.
You just described my "marriage" to a T. I put the throw pillows away a long time ago and don't ask for ANYTHING anymore. And he wonders why he doesn't " get any sex". Well.... " Because that's the ONLY thing you want to do together so, no thanks"
@@onmywayto8083 An observation: "Why am I not getting any sex?" is it's own answer. If sex is something you "get", you should just go pay for it. In a healthy relationship, you *have* sex, together. You know, because both of you want to.
Sex is not a dogtreat to reward good behavior, or to be withheld for punishment. I'm in the situation where my partner both punishes me by not having sex AND complains about the lack of it. It's baffling.
Disclaimer: if you don't want to, you don't. No reason needed. There are almost no rules in sex, besides it always being optional for all parties.
@@TheXtrafresh an observation: you seem to be sexually frustrated! Why don't you focus on YOU, and not come at me with your unwanted and unneeded comment. If you notice, my comment was about my life and my relationship. Your comment seems to be based around someone else's life. You don't know me or my situation, so I would say you are making serious ASSumptions. Also, I see some reading comprehension issues on your end 🤪
There is a saying.... If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.
Maybe the reason one doesn't want to be intimate is bc they're being manipulated by their narc. For many years I didn't understand why I had no desire for intimatcy and was told and thought I had the problem UNTIL I realized my spouse was a manipulative narc! I even felt guilty and started being intimate anyway, but he'd argue that it was less frequent than it really was! I would've made out a receipt and had him Sign off on it but knew he'd never do that as they deny things even if you show proof...
My wife and I tried marriage counseling and the counselor and it was on video chat said okay. I'm going to give each y'all 5 to 10 minutes to talk about what happened this past week. Please do not interrupt each other who would like to go first and I let my wife go first. I sat there and patiently listened to her. Totally tear me up and down a lot with lies but just basically bitching about me constantly. When the time was up it was my turn. I could not get through the first sentence without her already jumping and talking over me. I reminded her I was quiet during her talk. It was her turn to be quiet. So I continue to talk and then she got mad and started yelling at me and left and went outside. Then I decided okay. Why don't we do it separately? I do 30 minutes and you do 30 minutes because I'm trying to make a solution here. Well it took about two sessions and she charmed the pants off of this therapist and he revealed some stuff that I told him about feelings I had and she used them right against me. I was specific with him about telling him her stuff because she uses my vulnerabilities as weapons against me. I was very upset at this therapist and we never used him since
1. Fatigue
2. Self doubt
3. Shame
4. Depression
For me, the ‘depression’ I’ve felt after severe stress and narcissistic abuse, is exhaustion, hurt, pain, disappointment, despair, discouragement, hopelessness and helplessness etc…from it all after trying so hard only to be so mistreated traumatized and wounded. What I now know is that these are perfectly normal feelings for being so wounded traumatized and stressed in that way. Grateful for the self care tools I’ve learnt and the support I have with therapy and these programs to help me heal and manage it all. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤
@costelloandlizzievolk2233 This looks like the scammer. Dr. Ramani did a video on it about a year ago. It’s called beware of the scammer on my RUclips channel. I could be wrong and I’m not telling you what to do but this is just a heads up. Be careful out there. All the best.
You certainly described my world. I wish all the skills I've learned helped more.
Yes it's true we all go through this & the self care tools & self care period, must be our new & everpresent focus moving forward , now that we know what we know! It is so very helpful to have Dr. Ramani & all the support on here of those who truly understand & are willing to share their insights & experiences . Thank you 💞🙏🏼 😇🌟🎶🕊️💫
Please know that each of your videos help others. Personally, I really wonder where the hell I would be at this point if I hadn't found you online. Please know that you have profoundly helped me understand that narcissism really is a thing, how it impacts us, and how we can heal. I thank God I found you. Seriously.❤
Absolutely right!! Same goes for me!💖
And me as well…I feel so empowered now that I know what I was dealing with all these years thx to Dr Ramani❤
I so agree!!! I'm stuck still married (but seperated for 6 years) due to my health and financial reasons.... and... I have nowhere to go, and if I did, noone who could help me leave. I've learned so much from Dr. Ramani. She's opened my eyes to sooo much. Up to and including the toxic traits in myself, that have come from childhood trauma/abuse, and childhood and adult sexual abuse.
Exactly what I am feeling now knowing more about narcissism. A true life saver. Thank you Doc!
Me too ❤
I'm dealing with the fallout of my deadly relationship.
That relationship completely broke me. I was a very active person who socialized and could keep up a conversation before I met him.
It broke me to the point where I lost hair from stress and became bedridden.
I never once drank or used substances until I couldn't deal with the extreme stress he put me through.
I find it difficult to talk to people, even about normal subjects.
The shame I felt every time I took him back got to the point where I wouldn't tell people, and I would hide it because I knew he would leave me again eventually, and I didn't want the embarrassment.
I am forcing myself to go to the gym everyday, even if I go for a small amount of time. I used to go 2-3 hours a day, now I can't even handle a few minutes without feeling drained.
The fatigue and lack of interest in life are the worst symptoms in my opinion.
Emotional and psychological pain are processed in the same part of the brain as bodily pain. Pain be pain.
Motivation relies on your ability to prioritise, which relies on emotions.
If you're in so much pain that your brain defends itself by going numb, you no longer have emotion, leading to no ability to prioritise, so no motivation, and everything is then a struggle which is exhausting.
Does this help you understand what's happening with the body part known as your brain?
I've heard - yet to try - that massage therapy can help release the emotion so it is properly processed. Only if that's something you are okay with. Might not work for everyone
@@TheKrispyfort Thank you for your explanation, it does make sense. I will explore massage therapy because nothing else has worked.
@@rachmcd160 Walking helps once in a while for me, but I find it difficult to even leave the house. Luckily I have a dog who pushes me out of the house, so I have no choice unless someone else is around.
I will explore the more alternative therapies, even though I don't exactly believe in most of them. Acupuncture/acupressure/massage therapy is probably what I will try.
I am just discovering I have attracted narcissists also and have one I am married to rn, the trickiest one yet. What you said above rings so true for me. You are not alone. This also changed me. I haven't had a friend or spoken to over 10 people outside my immediate family in the last 5 years. have never been a person to bite my lip, and that started the day the denigration phase began, 6 years ago. I have always been able to sleep, and now I cannot stay asleep for over 4 hours, even though I made my own room years ago. I am glad I found this doctor and I am starting to formulate exit plans. But I am paralyzed with indecision and lack of options. He controls everything and is the only one that works outside the home.
@@CobCeo I was in the same situation until 2 weeks ago... I knew he wouldn't let me go if I decided to, also not working because he was always exploding around the subject, no friends whatsoever, horrible... I was NOTHING like that... moved countries ALONE 3 times, and in the beginning of the year I couldn't even manage to go to the supermarket, panic attacks... I bought some plastic boxes for moving after a fight he told me to leave the house, one month after I delivered my apartment to the landlord... but I was living there basically since July when I stopped working, there was always a tantrum for me to go to my freaking house.... Then I put an expiration date of a year, well that was March, now August... I started to talk back, very behaved but talking back and not agreeing with the stuff, then he broke up with me and I said yes... it's messy....
If I can offer a tip, get the boxes (excuse for storage and organisation), start making a list of what you need, and check if there's any crisis centre for women in your city... it's hard to get to their door, but it helps loads... they know exactly how stuff goes in these relationships and have all the steps to help you, it's very comforting really... Totally recommend!
I'm starting to wonder how often substance use disorders become a way to cope with narcissistic abuse.
I would say absolutely substances are OFTEN used to help partners of narcissists survive the hell they must endure. It’s very damaging in my opinion to focus more heavily on substance abuse than it is to inquire and be interested in the reasons why a person feels the need to reach for such substances.
@Seeker0fTruth For me, it's been binge eating more than substances, but I feel as if there's so little understanding when it comes to how people dealing with narcissistic abuse are perceived. It's all about how they're the problem, not the abuser.
It's not a way to cope with in particular narcissistic abuse. Substance use is a coping mechanism for ALL kinds of abuse and trauma, there's plenty of scientific material on this. Also, substance use is not a disorder.
@medusaslair I know that substance dependency is always a coping mechanism. Substance use is always a symptom of something else. By substance use disorder, I mean someone who's depending on substances to cope to the point where it's doing damage to their health/personal life.
Absolutely! I myself started drinking a glass of wine while making dinner as a way of preparing for my now-ex husband to get home. My boys even noted how calm the house was when he would go away for the weekend. *Shocker* 2/3 of my kids struggle with anxiety as well.
“The grief and disappointment to learn things at 40 that have probably should have easily shown to you when you were 5”….. thank you for expressing my tortured soul 🥺 7:15
Try 63 years old.
Has anyone developed panic attacks and agoraphobia after narcissistic abuse?
Yes! there are some days I can't leave the house, despite crushing loneliness I feel like I literally cannot go outside or deal at all with the world.
I think I've gotten panic attacks, wheezing, hard time to breathe
Yes
I developed auto immune disease (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and chronic pain
Yes, I experienced panic attacks regularly when I was around my narcissistic Mom and Sister, now I live 2 states away from them and no more panic attacks!!!
So true about societal judgment. No one supports people going through narcissistic abuse in marriage. It’s makes it even harder to get away.
The abuse that is more prevalently recognized seems to me to be the physical abuse rather than the non physical abuse.
My narc abusers gave me PTSD, which gave me physical illnesses, like hypothyroidism. Talk about the fatigue, right!
I got out and I feel great. No more headache and fatigue. No more self denial and self neglect. I have more friends, love, and joy than ever. There is hope for something better.
And tulips from Amsterdam , dear Nicole🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷 feel so happy for you. Wish you the best life there is👍✌🍀🌼👌💜 Karin
Tired mentally physically and emotionally
I've noticed in these relationships it must always be their Ideas. Even if whatever it is it's yours. It may be a day or a week later then all of a sudden they came up with the idea.
Not only does the narc either reject your suggestions or blame you for years if they don't work, they take credit when they do
My life in a nutshell. Constantly walking on eggshells. Can’t be around this woman but I won’t leave for the sake of my children. It really sucks living like this.
me too
I went through 2 years of fatigue, high blood pressure, acid reflux, extreme back pain until I decided to leave because I saw that I was slowly loosing my life. My job was suffering, I could not take care of my children. I finally left and filed for divorce. The narc keeps changing terms and conditions and does not want to sign. I have also cut him off, he calls to talk to the children. I let him talk to his children but instead of talking to then he wants to abuse m through my child’s phone. I ignore him and don’t take the bait. I m less fatigued, brain fog is clearing, extreme back pain stopped, acid reflux under control and I hv recovered at work and at home. I sleep more and waiting patiently for d-day. I pray when I feel overwhelmed and it helps to keep me grounded. Counseling also helped and listening to dr Ramani.
This reminds me of leaving a job I was at for 1.5 years. It seemed more like 10 years. I was working for a bunch of narcissists. I remember my first days on my new job and I was experiencing brain fog and I couldn't understand why my memory was not good because my memory was always great. I was also really tense because I worried about making mistakes. I was so nervous around my new supervisor but she was so understanding. She never gave me a hard time about any of it. She was very patient, which then helped me to relax, and then my memory returned to normal after a bit of time and the tension released. This is such an affirming video. Thank you for your self-disclosure, Dr. Ramani. It's great to have both professional and personal experience. We know you truly get it.
Job situations can be so toxic and wear us down without realising. I told a family member to not stay in a job she was being bullied in. She thought she could handle it, but eventually finally left. It wasn't until she felt teary when her next boss was kind & positive, she realised how bad it was and how it had eaten away at her and warped what was "normal ".
Oh yes, people will be so worried they can't think straight.
This explains why I did so poorly in school and left school. I returned as an adult to get a 4.0 GPA
Sad to say however your story makes me feel better.. I’m not the only one who has experienced these reactions. I’ve never been so full of “self doubt” when around all that toxic energy!
You describe me perfectly. Spent 30 yrs fixing me finally 3 yrs ago no contact.
Yes. It’s tiring enough to keep up the appearance that you are enough…the waiting is the forever that never comes. Yes- soul tired.
My narc wife repeatedly told me that I was an unwelcome guest in my own home. You talked about many aspects of my life with her. I am free now (she stormed out and left) and healing. Thank you for this video. Scott
Lucky you she left! Usually the male narcs use violence to keep women trapped in home.
Every man I married moved in to my home, 'cause of course, they had none and I was a rescuer, way to empathetic certainly for my own good, however those guys found ways to make me unwelcome in my own home! and then gaslight me for having a home!!!! for them to live in!!! I hope you joy and some peace from this time forward, learn from these videos so at the very least we can see whats coming🙂
She’ll be back.
@@urvashilodha2617he should change the locks and go grey rock method on her. His mental and physical health is more important
@@vickieevans9323my sister in law did this. She was a nightmare for us all to live with. It was like we were treading on egg shells constantly cos she was so mean. It's amazing how she has no self awareness of it all.. It also amazing that she's a psychologist.
I went through the Fog for years. Short term memory was almost nonexistence. I spent all my energy trying to keep the train on the tracks. I am working hard, but little by little I am getting better. There is hope after getting away from the abuse. Dr. Ramani, I can't thank you enough. God bless your beautiful soul.
Many Christian church leaders teach against divorce say it jeopardizes your immortal SOUL. that's why a lot of people stay
Many christian church leaders are narcissists, too.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, I say, "not making a decision, IS making a decision".
I’m not even joking when I say this. Almost an hour of Dr Ramani’s wisdom is the best birthday gift I’ve had today.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge with us all, and for free, at that! 💛
Happy Birthday🎉🎉🎉! I agree ! Her videos have literally saved my life ❤
Happy Birthday from Charleston,SC
🥳🥳❤🍰🍭
Happy Birthday! I hope her knowledge is helping you heal. I left my Narc 10mos ago and her videos keep me from going back.
happy birthday :)
You can't explain " the theory of relativity" " or "narcissist abuse" in five minutes. Good stuff ❤️
Once you made a comment about not getting it until you are 70, well that’s me. At first I felt same that I had such a wasted life, that’s really helpful, right! I am the scapegoat, empathetic daughter of a narcissist, heroin addict/speed freak mother. The fact that I am present wanting knowledge and healing is a miracle.
I’m tired of feeling shame . We get our lessons when we’re ready. Happy healing.
Happy healing 💗
I just broke out crying as you say it exactly like it is and has been for many years.
I'm that lady in the story who packed her treasures away. It's as is you were speaking directly to me about my life! I can't thank you enough for all of your wisdom and advice, truly 🙏💯❤️
No contact with family and toxic friends gave me my energy back.
Dr Ramini you have been my educator in the past 3 months & I than God for your channel!!!
I am a therapist but had narcissistic parents & ex husband.
U validate me every time I listen to what you share.
Many thanks for your amazing work!❤
My personal experience with depression has been a life long struggle. I remember not wanting to be alive when I was 4 years old. Of course, I had also been told my whole life that I was irritable and depressed. My dad calls me a PITA. When I was married to my second husband, my psychiatrist prescribed Deplin for an MTHFR mutation which causes low serotonin levels. Once I divorced my husband in 2018, and went no contact with my family at the same time, I realized that I am not a depressed person. I still take the Deplin, but I am not sad and angry anymore. It took getting rid of all the toxic and abusive people in my family for me to stop being depressed. I highly recommend kicking all the toxic people in your life to the curb. The sooner the better.
It's a learned characteristic. My father would kill himself trying to please my step mom.
Oddly enough my birth mom tried to keep my dad happy. She turned to alcoholism and it ended her life at 36 years old. I swore I'd never go that route.
Unfortunately, I had repeated the cycle. I am finally learning. I still have to co-parent with a narcissist. I appreciate all of your help on this situation.
💜💕🔥👑🔥💕💜
Oh my word I am 70 and it’s been a road of narcissism all enfolding me where I have ended up saving, overly responsible, drowning in empathy, standing like a pillar of assistance ready to uplift in so many ways. Even financially. Guess what when I pulled back and put up boundaries everyone turned on me to attack and blame me.
My mom is 93 and I hide away - my children demand and attack. From them I want a total divorce. But I sit here feeling guilty and ashamed that I will be named as failing them.
Oh my goodness I am fighting. I have decided I am going on holidays and camping trips and keeping far out of their space.
The guilt of wanting to divorce my children is serious because I feel society will judge me and say that’s so wrong.
My adult children are 53 - 50 and 38 and they gang up on me when I ask for my large sums of money back or I am not pleased at their drug usage - it’s a mess.
I am running far away.
I don't think that is wrong. If anyone judges you for that,, they are the problem. Certainly not you. Your kids are grown. Shame on them! Go live your life . And do it with glee.
I have a narcissistic son in his 30’s. I get you.
I am hoping my youngest isn’t narcissistic.
Be kind to yourself, you are not responsible for toxic adult behaviour. ❤
“ The fog “. Not only I didn’t experience fully what was happening, I have no memories of it.
I thought something major was wrong with me!! I am tired mentally, physically and spiritually. If I get it right maybe I won't be punished or I will earn a nice day.
I'm so grateful for my husband. We both have one narcissistic parent and brought narc behavior patterns into our marriage. But he was willing to change and we both spent time in therapy learning better communication patterns and better emotional maturity. I still see some of these grief patterns in us but it's because of our ongoing relationship with our narc parents but we no longer experience any of this between each other.
Reading this gives me so much hope! Thanks for sharing
The depression has been soul crushing. Escaped my narcissistic husband only to fall back at home with narcissistic parents because of financial stress. It took a miracle to pull out of that, in the form of an informed therapist who helped me recognize the narcissism in my parents. Slowly building life back better than I never had it, but process is, like I said, slow.
Well done, you will make it. We are survivors and we are strong. ❤
Going through exactly the same thing
Glad you got help. I’ve been there too.
The good news is that we can recover completely from this - once we know. Thank you Dr. Ramani !
The last part of this video made me realize there was virtually no significant period in my life in which I wasn't trying to accomodate a narcissistic man's moods. No wonder I've been depressed and suicidal since childhood...
I am now living on my own for the first time at 25 and it's simultaneously strange and refreshing to look out for myself only.
Everything about our relationship changed once we were married & living together. I became the scapegoat and felt like he saw my daughter and myself as enemies... This last 12 years have been the worst years of my life and he ruined the last years I had to spend with my daughter before she went away to college and her own life.
Now at least I can protect myself physically and emotionally from him. So true this is a HUGE DISSAPPOINTMENT to never have an intelligent conversation...
I have guilt for bringing my narc into my daughter's life. You can only forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know. My daughter has turned into a treasured support. You did the best you could at the time!
I feel this deeply. Same for me. Deep shame at having invited him to live with me and my children. It’s a pattern of mine. I made the same mistake with my previous partner who was a covert narcissist - I only realised he was a narcissist when I caught him cheating. Now it appears my current husband is also a narc or at the very least a very emotionally immature man. I am hoping it is just narc tendencies but he is definitely damaging the relationship I have with my daughter and it doesn’t feel right. I have tried to get him to move out but to no avail.
I had fatigue so extreme I got a sleep study. I would literally sleep 8 hours a night, wake up and get my kids to school and go back to sleep for hours. It was a soul crushing relationship. I told one person, one, before I left him because I knew that person wouldn’t take his side. I’ve said all along to everyone that the hardest moment of my life was deciding to leave him, because I knew the ways I was blowing up my life, and I was terrified everyone would be upset with me. When I finally told everyone, they were so relieved at my decision. But I was and still am so ashamed I brought this person into their lives in the first place, because he’s not only disrupted mine but also a close family member and one of my best friends. I should have done more and listened to my inner gut a long time ago to avoid the abuse they also suffered.
I have been there, am there, slowly healing!
The guilt is real. You didn’t know. That’s what makes narcissists so dangerous; they wear a mask until you’re on the hook
You're alive but not living is the way I describe it sometimes. The soul tired, yep. That sucks!
It's heartbreaking and frustrating that this is my life. Thank you so much for being the voice and beacon of hope and for helping many navigate through the dark 💗
Just to think of how much I've learned through Ramani, prompts me to imagine just how many other people she's helped, the hundreds of thousands of people she's saved from toxic romantic, workplace and family relationships, maybe even millions! There's no doubt in my mind that she's the primary reason for helping those in need, and that the difference she's made is likely uncomprehendable. What a saint, she needs a a statue erected somewhere... or everywhere!
Sometimes I genuinely lament the time, youth, and spirit I lost to my narcissistic partner- 12+ years, covert. It’s really sad, bordering on regret. I yearn for an apology and closure I know will never come and still yearning for those things is where I feel the most vulnerable and unhealed. I just wish so much that things were different. I wish I had the tools to leave sooner, I wish I had been raised to recognize my own needs, I wish I could provide myself with the closure and healing I need.. it’s been 5 years post divorce and I still struggle. I have more good days than bad now and things are improving, but I wonder when the damage will cease to disrupt my inner peace. Thanks for your work Dr Ramani ❤️
We have very similar stories. Once I realized he was a narcissist, learned about narcissist, I accepted the fact that there would never be an apology because it is a mental illness that he can't control.
I would love for you to talk about the narc pretending to sick as a manipulation.
Dr. Ramani does have videos on that further back in the archives - do a search on "Ramani + sickness" or "Ramani + illness" -- and also know (from personal experience) that if YOU get sick, the narcissist will not help you, they will treat your illness as a personal inconvenience of THEIRS, and if you tell them any details about your illness and ask them to keep it confidential, they are quite likely to share those very details you requested they keep private in a bid to get "sympathy" from their enablers ... who may then try to reach you and tell you how your illness is "stressing out" the narcissist 😮😢
I’ve been away from my partnered narcissist for over 5 years, but I feel the affects of him everyday. I just want this imprisonment to end. I have been around narcissists my entire life and these experiences just keep me from having meaningful relationships. I just don’t want to get it wrong-again.
I feel afraid too. I guess we gi slow and careful, paying attention and keep our own power. It feels like a maze. 😢
You helped me realize my mother was a narcissist. I just thought she was mean. Good thing is I started meditating young, left home young & did very well for myself. Bad news, I'm such a happy giver I have only ever been with takers 😞 I've been doing my deep dive introspection ongoing for a long time is why I never stay in these relationships though I work at it way too hard for way too long. I'm getting close to indifference as this last one took me for alot & will take at least 30 months to dig my way out financially (I left my previous career related to narcissism affecting client care adversely)!
One thing I know is I love me for who I am & am definitely worthy of abundance . I have always focused on efficacy but this is never ever noticed by any narc. I'm determined not to do this ever again !!! I am learning to enjoy my efficacy for myself in ways that I enjoy ! Thank you Dr.Ramani . Much Love & Light to you all 💞🙏🏼😇💖🕊️
Dr. Ramani you have made such a difference in so many lives with these videos. I’m hoping you could maybe start a series to explain to friends and families of victims why their formerly outgoing full of life daughter can’t even call them once a week. My parents are 88 and I know how important it is I keep in touch but I find I just don’t seem to have the energy ever to pick up the phone I know it hurts my mom terribly because we suddenly lost my sister two years ago - something my mom still struggles with. I am 56 and 21 years married to what I think is a malignant narcissist. No hope for getting out and he’s pretty much taken over my life snd keeps his secret. Textbook mental, emotional and financial abuse. I have 1,000’s of hours of conversations recorded with his knowledge on advice of my GP should you need research material lol. Thank you again for all your hard work getting information on narcissism and narcissistic abuse out there for all to access free of charge. You saved my life literally. Big hugs 🤗
😊😊😊
And people have told me “ other people have it worse than you”
You’re a wonderful mental health support team . Thank you .
I think I I compromised quite a bit in my marriage . After chasing the OW out of our bedroom and the house, my soon to be divorced spouse told me I was uncompromising .
In retrospect, I compromised so much that I had compromised my own sense of self . Talk about loosening one’s identity !!! Loosing my identity was the one major thing I had prided myself on retaining from my single life .
This lecture is tremendously eye-opening .
Learning in my 40s that my childhood was soaked with narcissistic abuse from all angles which overflowed into adulthood. Never trusted my choices and judgement became exhausting. Learning to relax, stretch, breathe, and look inward for life’s answers In my forties and fifties. Thankful for helpful Therapists, like Dr Ramani. The health issues associated with Narcissistic abuse may have ended me.
Dr Ramini
Just wanted to say self doubt is my biggest hurdle as well, so wanted to make sure you knew that you should never doubt your advice through these videos. They, as well as you, are what keeps me going. The world needs more Dr Ramani's.❤
I discovered today, that self doubt was also my stumbling block. I had no idea what was going on with me.
Narcs always diminish your Potential.
You hit the nail on the head TOTALLY. Again. Thank you.
Today I’m beginning to realize a dream I’ve had since I was 10 years old. I’m 75. I’ve always wanted to play the piano. I’m finally going to realize that dream. My keyboard will be delivered by FedEx today. I don’t know yet how I’ll take lessons, but I know I’ll figure it out. Thank you Dr. Ramani, watching your videos for almost a year has brought me to this place. Thank you.❤
I hope your piano lessons are going well, and that you're loving the learning process.
@@shsummers thank you for the support. I appreciate it so much.❤
@@beverlyadams7205 I'm 61, and I started guitar two years ago, and began watercolor painting last year. Creativity washes away the dirt and grime from the soul. God bless.
I understand the constant doubting. But Dr. Ramani, you have been a major help to me going through my divorce and my healing. I have started writing a book too. Thank you so much for being one of the most positive influences in my life.
OMG!! I am just recently learning about living with a narcissist!! This is SPOT on!! Thank you!
It takes one to know one. I’m really grateful to have you.
Spelling it all out for us and on behalf of us.
I really adore and honore you for being someone who turns your own negative experience into a good strong force outward to make the world a better place.
Thank goodness for Dr. Ramani
"Like standing in the rain waiting on a bus that is never going to come." --- And that's without an umbrella or a raincoat! That is, people in your life to protect and help you.
Yes, this is me, I come from a narcissistic family, thank you.
I want to leave but there is so much shame in my current life and from my past. I don’t think things will ever go away 😞
Thank you for the clear description of gaslighting-the deliberate denial of your reality that is DESIGNED to foster self doubt. THANK YOU!! I was even beginning to mistrust people and family members who I have loved and trusted for years because of a very toxic relationship. Thank God for deliverance and insight and FREEDOM! You are just the best Dr. Ramani!♥️
THANK YOU!! I keep telling my therapist how exhausted I am. Plus she says I’m too distracted. My thoughts do not flow as ordered as in the past.
But no matter what I have tried it wasn’t working.
Now I know (THANKS TO YOU!…)that I’m not “loosing it” and my memory issues are not unusual nor MY FAULT!
I’m going to follow your suggestions.
It is very frustrating to be exhausted all the time. And adds more SHAME to the recovery process.
Beautiful work again.
I’m grateful for the education you have provided. Keep up the enthusiasm and know you are valued!
Sounds like dissonances from worrying
@@KoolT - I’ll have to do more research on dissidence and talk to my therapist too.
I truly appreciate your authenticity and transparency in this video. As a professional with lived experience myself, it’s really empowering and inspiring to me and I’m sure many others! ❤
Thank you so much for your help. Please don't self doubt yourself. You are wonderful.
I struggle with anxiety, some body focused repetitive behaviors and also OCD. I realised I do really fine during work days. Unfortunately, I have to deal with my narcisistic family members on the weekends. Those days, starting on Fridays, are extremely tiring and I can feel my anxiety raising, which triggers my urges to engage on my BFRB's and OCD's. It's really tough
Same girl! Do your Erps, and don’t let them drag you down if possible. One day, you’ll create space, I believe in u ❤
This is so true-self doubt, self sabotage, rumination, crippling anxiety…it takes a somatic toll in many ways-especially the chronic fatigue doesn’t help!
I wasnt honest in taking the depression tests at the doctor after having my kids. I didnt check off how bad it was but enough where I did see a therapist so I could explain our family dynamics but didnt get to the marriage part. I was afraid they would take my kids away from me as I knew I was a good mom, just soul crushed. I wish I would have been more honest but at the time couldnt see the forest through the trees and articulate what was really happening. I like to describe it as 1000 piece puzzle you put together, you link different parts and keep adding which has taken me years.
CPTSD and borderline personality disorder can take 20 years off your life. Treatment and a plan is necessary!
when you said it’s like standing in the rain waiting to n a bus that’s never going to come 😭😭😭 that hit me like a ton of bricks.
@-The_Doctor_Ramani-_ ok-it’s complicated and so much. he is on death row and has in my opinion brained washed me 😩 we have been together for 16 yrs and I can’t walk away from him especially now he is out of appeals. Im needing some professional help. Can we start the process and can I pay over the phone?
@@chellebelle1970Please be careful, this account replying to your comment is not the actual Dr. Ramani. It's one of the many scammers purporting to be her. I'm sure you've already figured it out, but I wanted to post this just in case. Please consider reporting them as "unwanted spam or commercial content" to limit their ability to prey upon decent people looking for support in difficult situations. Stay safe out there💜🙏
This is sooo amazingly spot on! I've called it 'losing myself' to the narcissist. For more than 30 years I tried to be everything my person commanded, because every disagreement (become argument) ended with the "D" word (divorce.) "I'll leave you if..." was a daily refrain to control me, until a kindly therapist told me, "he'll NEVER" leave you!" That gave me the courage to begin standing up for myself. To this day that was a game-changer!
This about depression is so enlightning. When I look back I see how I went in and out of depression being around my narc mom, my narc abusive ex-husband, and some other short relationships and my last relationship with a narcissist. I am slowly starting to do things I enjoy again 🙌🌳💖🩵🦉 It took me 53 years to understand. Turning 54 in March. I have been so exhausted. But it all makes sense. Thankfully my couple therapist knew alot about narsissists. Thank you Dr. Ramani your videos are so enlightning and I discover new aha moments everytime ❤❤🙌
I honestly feel like the narcissistic abuse I endured led to domino effect in the decline of my physical health. Now that I’ve been away from that dynamic for almost a year, my health has vastly improved.
You described me Dr. Ramani, I couldn't even have photos of my own family up!
I have seen someone stay in a one-sided relationship for over 30 years. Most of my life, by the time I could understand. I would not want that for anybody.
At the same time, I have seen mutual relationships that have lasted 30 years or more. And both parties were very loving to each other and empathetic.
It’s finding that balance. Finding that mutual-ness, that respect. Finding a relationship that is for both people.
Marriage shouldn’t be about trapping someone. It should be mutual. And that should be you coming back to them because they are healthy for you, and treat you well.
Finding long-term mutuality, consistency, And empathy
Yes exactly
That sounds awful 😢
Hoping you have the resources and supports for recovery
@@TheKrispyfort I’ve never been married. I’ve seen it around me
Leaving is not always an option.
Thank you for sharing how hard it is to get over the self doubt. I struggle with this also. It leads me to misinterpret things as criticism sometimes, because I was so used to being treated as less than and thinking that I had to "earn" things that should just be part of a healthy relationship. I would get very stressed when my husband would suggest I cook and bake less for the holidays, because in my mind, that was the only reason I was worth having at a celebration, for the food I made. It was so bad that if he said, "Why don't you take a break from cooking this week and we'll order Thai.", I heard "You can be replaced by a restaurant." and I would cook more food than usual to show that I had value. It seems ridiculous, but I didn't even realize what I was doing until last year.
Sounds like your hubby is a good guy.
This video... hit home on every level. Thank you, God Bless you, for this.
I am tempted to try and write you a letter (email) to tell you about my experiences. I come from an insanely abusive narcissistic family, mother, father, sister, are all HORRID Narcs, and they all picked me as their target to abuse. I am still stuck, at 35 years old, in torment and destroyed by all the abuse, and now it's burned inside myself.
Thank you for your work, it is really helping people like me.
I have been beating myself up for years. The last 10ish years of my marriage. “I picked him” and now after choosing a malignant narcissist as my first boyfriend after my divorce.
You picked the good person he presented to you. Someone else's lie is not your fault.
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Safe People by Henry Cloud
5 Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man Jonathon Aslay 💥
99% Of Men Won't Love You If He Does This with Mary Beth Schrudder
The Paradox Of Choice Ted Talk
We meet and date complete strangers.
Trust your instincts.
I always knew evil was the root of my issues. I was living in evil
So true. Societal judgement hurts. Even when you theoretically, that you don’t care what people think, 🙏
Growing up in a narcissistic family system is a nightmare. Going along to get along set me up to deal with abusive people. I was always making excuses for bad behavior and calling it love. There's no love in a narcissistic family system. I felt like a slave that was always working for approval. I had to go no contact to get my self-respect back! No one should live a life of abuse.
You just described thirty years of my life. Thankfully, I have been free for twenty years. Today my brother and I were discussing a niece who had also been in a narcissistic marriage. My brother said that she must have been weak minded to have put up with that. Not necessarily, I thought. There are other reasons that women stick it out. Religious reasons: your church tells you that adultery is the only excuse for divorce. Be submissive. You exhaust yourself trying to do what you are convicted is right. You spend decades trying to preserve your family. Hoping that someday, somehow, you’d find the key to your spouse’s heart and you would finally be friends. Living in the belief that you are saving your family, no matter what it takes and that someday you’d be rewarded with an intact, happy, close family. If you can just keep trying and finding ways to be better. If only you can completely forget yourself, set aside your dreams and absorb into the expectations off someone you can never please, no matter what you do. There is a happily ever after out there somewhere and you keep imagining it in the distance if only you endure.
women also stay for financial reasons. poverty is also violent and dangerous, sometimes it is safer to stay.
You literally wrote my life...married just about 33 years (Aug. 31st as a matter of fact)...
Shame isolates and thrives in secrecy.
Was feeling shame about a tendency the other day, but acknowledged and discussed it with the friend it cropped up with. They shared how they related with me and were very understanding about the parts that were different from their experience. And then they reminded me that they aren’t my friend because of what I can do for them.
It was really helpful and healing for me. I have a really hard time admitting an insecurity, etc. to anyone because historically, it’s usually used against me. PLUS, I think “it’s my issue and by sharing it with that person, I’m implying it’s their issue, so I just need to keep it all inside.” Which just waters the shame monster 👺
Oh oh oh tired. Soooooio tired. All the time in the 14 years of insane marriage to the passive aggressive covert narcissist. Happy joyous and free since June 2017. I have a huge amount of energy. I always did. A group fitness dance instructor. I love my energy. He depleted every single bit. I felt soooo inadequate. I don't anymore. Yay. Thanks Dr Ramani. You have played a huge role in my healing. Which will continue forever
I self-doubted myself out of the Army. I made it past Basic, assigned to a unit, then doubted my ability to push through the hard times and was separated. I didn't have enough service hours to get lifetime benefits. It's been very hard to forgive myself for allowing the narc's voice to win that decision.
Marriage should be “ you, Me and us. Dr . Ramani is a gift of God. Thank you
I was trauma bonded to my husband. My Mom was a narcissist. I only realized it in my 50s. After I have left these narcissistic relationships. It’s crazy. I can’t believe what I’ve done to leave 3 major narcissist relationships.
I was raised by a single-parent covert narcissist mother and suffered extreme abuse as a child. I have only experienced depression once. It started when I was about 5 to 6 years old. I'm 52 now, and I still have it. It's never gone away. I don't think I've had a single solitary day without it being present. I think it's a permanent part of me. At least I'm on meds for it, and seeing therapy. It would be much much worse without that.
Hoping you have the supports and resources to recover
Recovering from narcissistic abuse in family if compassionless family members, has been heart breaking.
I ended up recovering in isolation from 2018 to 2023, after 32 years of marriage to dark Covert VULNERABLE NARCISSISTIC WIFE & Her mother.
Truly sucked!!!!!
(My origin family members still attack me. They are still critical and judge me, shame and guilt trip me. I am sick of them, so I stay away.)
“Narcissist” ruin your life for a “Lifetime.” 😱😭
Your videos saved my life and sanity ( I would love to interview you ) thank you my sister for your heart and work
Dr. Ramani: In one of your recent podcasts you mentioned that one of the things that is so hard for children of narcissistic parents (and maybe narcissistic abuse survivors in general) to accept is that there were good times. So many good times. You referred to this only briefly, but your vocal tone made it sound like a big, important issue. Have you ever done a video on this? If so, I can't find it.
The existence of the good times in my memories does HUGE work in reinforcing the lifetime of gaslighting. This may be the hardest thing to shake free of, for me.
I feel your experiences mirror my own!
The fact that you can identify that your positive memories tends to reinforce the gaslighting demonstrates a great deal of clarity and self-awareness IMO.
For me this clarity doesn’t necessarily make the path of healing easier but having that clarity allows me to be more objective about my past experiences and how this reflects in my life today.
Wishing you health, happiness and HEALING!!💕💕
Wow Dr. R your self doubt segment shook me to my core. You are wonderful at what you do.
i was diagnosed with autism in my forties, only to realize that BOTH my adoptive parents are narcissists. not ONCE have they acknowledged my autism. two nightmares for parents, physical, verbal and sexual abuse in childhood. now they're in their eighties and have gotten away with so much, and most people don't seem to realize it. something else i've come to know is that narcissism is a pandemic cultural pattern for black people because it is so... COMMON. it explains stereotypes that so many of us fulfill, including recent events like "black lives matter" and the mess it and other things are making in society...
I can tell you it has become a real epidemic for white people too❤. Been arrogant abusive men and people for thousands of year's. So common with Scottish IRISH. Not uncommon to drink and hit in USA
So sorry you had to endure all of that. It wasn't your fault. It's ALL on THEM. 🙏🏼😢💔🤕
@@tlove6932 thank you very much. i appreciate your channel.
It seems like there is a lot of overlap between narcissistic behavior and autism. Has anyone else noticed this and how can you distinguish the difference?
@@dickeynat3 I haven't heard of any. Or any overlap either.
I love your videos. I left my narcissist while 7 months pregnant with my now 18 year old. My son is struggling mightily with making decisions and breaking free from the narcissistic abuse and buys into his father’s projections that my behavior is narcissistic because I have opinions because my son is an empathic creature and has no memory of the abuse. My elder child has blocked out all memories before the divorce, altogether. You are enough, more than enough and in fact a jewel. Thank you.
Same here. You are not alone. Your kids will be fine if you continue to love them unconditionally. They will see the contrast with their father's conditional acceptance of them. Don't be afraid of lasting negative impacts on them. They will be all right. God bless you.❤
So true. I'm exhausted all the time and I get plenty of sleep.
This video, in all its aspects, so clearly describes me, my illness, my struggles. Thank you.
I hope that one day I will be able to regain my energy and be able to function better. Not there yet, but still fighting every day.
❤
I agree nobody should stay in a relationship that’s abusive or a one way street.
At the same time, there is different levels of love. Most people stay in puppy love, and think that’s the end all, be all.
The reality is that real relationships are mutual, take time, and they go through ups and downs and evolve.
However that is assuming it’s healthy for both people.
There is no medal for a long-term relationship, or some kind of endurance test.
All long-term relationships are Supposed to show is that you could be consistent, Healthy, and care about the other’s needs, while being Emotionall healthy and empathetic. While not taking advantage.
I have helped both my sisters in their divorces, and I have seen multiple friends go through divorces. And they were very much warranted.
And I think people confuse wanting to have a long-term relationship with believing that marriage is an endurance test.
It’s not.
All it is is finding someone that is healthy for you, and is healthy for the both of you. And you show that overtime.
It’s all About Consistency and Emotional Empathy
Post-abuse adrenaline withdrawals and distress hangovers.
I didn't understand until they happened.
My shame now presents as conversion disorders. Namely chest pain and psuedo-seizures.
Suuuuuuuucks
i had two narcissistic parents, by adulthood i had no ability to make choices, to even pick classes that i liked, anything, i couldn't pick my flavor of ice cream, took me about 40 years to heal
I somehow knew my “depression “ was not true depression, it was narcissistic abuse!