5 Common Fears of People In Narcissistic Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 11 апр 2023
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Who ever said, "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" was LUCKY enough not to have loved a narcissist.
Ain’t that the truth. I hear this quote all the time.
That is hilarious cuz it’s so true
Oh so very true !
@Youngblood it’s actually kinda funny to hear it this way now. :)
Thank God I’m out!!!
It's alright. The narcissist doesn't love you either
Once a narcissist "touches" your life, you are never the same.
It's way worse when u have them as parents
@@aena5995 Amen.
that chunk of your heart that NEVER grows back😮
I’d say you’re better equipped now and are able to spot some red flags! 🚩
We have to now focus on ourselves so we aren’t as vulnerable in the future. They are often exhibiting predatory behaviors.
Truth
I'm finally living my best life alone. No conflict, taking the path of least resistance, eating the food I love, watching the shows I love. I could go on and on. It's so peaceful and I'm very grateful.
Indeed sis!! Bravo! God bless you and be with you.
Yesssss
Too many people think, "how can you be alone, "don't you get lonely"? They have some warped perception that it's miserable to be alone. I LOVE IT! I do what I want, when I want, how I want, and don't have to worry about anyone else in the mix of those decisions... It's great! 😁
Sure, there are times of loneliness, but not enough to give up my solitude, peace and quiet 😊
@@staycool163 hurray! Me too, I was so scared at first but it's been 23 years of living alone with my cats and dogs. You said it so well. ❤
Amen 🙏 🎉❤
I love being alone because I enjoy my own company. Sometimes I get lonesome and sometimes I am lonely. That is a small price to pay for the freedom from abuse. I would rather be alone than abused.
Indeed absolute truth dear sis.
It's better to be alone than in bad company.
It's the ultimate gift when your own company is good company!
After the abuse from the narcissist, when you're ready to meet someone, you'll always be wondering if it's real or fake. The biggest suspense of life is that you don't know who's PRAYING for you and who's PLAYING with you!
or preying on you !
That is a prevailing doubt of mine about others too, but my dad calls it autism. Given, I have that too, but I don't trust other people at all and always consider that they have an ulterior motive.
@@AlastorTheNPDemon They probably do. Everyone has an agenda.
@youngblood I could not agree more. Having had a huge number of Narcissist in my life one way or another, I got so damaged in the Trust department that now I don’t trust anyone, so it is very hard to connect with people, as someone else said in the comments, I am always wondering if people are authentic or fake.
I hate to say it, but I agree!
Being alone is great, I found out. It's the best peace and finding who I really am. I have my own friends that I chose, my own schedule, my own likes and dislikes, nothing shamed or guilted upon me AND ownership of MY successes and failures. Nothing hoisted upon me or taken away. I don't have to be absolutely perfect in anyone's opinion anymore. I can just be a simple human like everybody else for a change. It is very freeing and healing. Just be me.
That’s what I’m looking forward too.
Beautifully said! I feel the same way being single now
I do not like it.
Agreed 💯🥂💯 Been single, and HAPPY for 17 yrs now. Peace in your home and your heart is absolutely priceless 🎉
It was difficult at first but then I watched a video about being your own best friend to defeat loneliness by dry creek wrangler school. That was an epiphany for me. Now I don’t feel strange at all when I am alone. I’m honest with myself, I give my self affirmation, advice and encouragement. I stopped the negative thoughts that were not productive. I basically became the friend I would want to have with me when I happen to be by myself. Because the only person you will always be around is yourself. Best of luck everyone.
My dad was the malignant narcissist. I watched him for years abuse my mother and I was the only child at home who was the go between. My mom lived downstairs, my dad upstairs and me all over the house. Since my dad finally left my mom and remarried, I stayed and took care of my mom. She was the sweetest, kindest soul on this planet and I have no regrets.
That is the Best thing you could of done, Thank You for caring for her! I'm sure it wasn't always easy but you have an amazing Heart!
🤗💜👍🙏
I’m sorry for what you had been through… How old are you when you recognize all those behaviours?? I asked because my son is too young he is only 8 and I am hurting a lot because his father plays the fun parent and I do everything what’s good for my child well-being, I am working so hard to provide for my kids but for him because he is too young and he is brainwashed and manipulated I am the boring parent and he always side to his father..I saw the exchange text messages which they talk awful things about me..And It choked me hard..I can’t wait until my son come to his senses that his father is full of BS and the safest place for us in my care..
My ex keep sueing me with all the baseless legal matter.. I am crippled mentally/ financially but I am a very positive woman I will keep going.
Awesome bro 👏
Beautiful soul you are
My ex narcissist contacted me 18 years after the divorce. I had the opportunity to turn all his catch phrases on him. He called seeking supply and the conversation ended with him yelling, “you just have all the power now don’t you” and I replied “I always did” and hung up.
That is pure gold! Amazing!
You are a Queen! 👑
❤ this
That's just awesome. Good for you.
That’s horrible that he reaches out after 18 years. It’s like it’s never over
My fear is experiencing another narcissistic relationship.... I've been happily single and living alone for 10 years. I'm over 60 and feel happier than any other time in my life. It's the first time I've given myself the chance to get to know myself.
Dr. Ramani .. for years I suffered from severe panic attack of being by myself in any place .. couldn't explain that .. i was living with my covert narcissist husband .. i left after 29 years of suffering .. now i am extreemly strong and courageous
You always were strong, but you did not realize your strength because of the narcissist's brainwashing. I had a similar experience. Life is so much better. I treasure my freedom.
Yes!!👆🏻
So right, & I too treasure my freedom as well.
I am suffering a narcissistic abusive relationship with my husband ......sure he is definitely a narcissist.....physical and verbal abuse....it is just getting worse.... i am stuck with him because i am not financially independent......he treats me very badly....his verbal abuse is very derogatory and demeaning....i wish i had my freedom..... jus pray and carry on waiting for a miracle 😢
Covert behavior is the worst, because it’s hard to pinpoint and may years to figure out. But, once you do the light bulb goes off and that’s when you can heal and find the strength to pick up the pieces of your life and build a new one. ❤
Omgosh SO right!
Dr. Ramani is a gift from God! Millions of people are being supported by her wisdom and strength. Lynda
Dr ramani and dr carter. Amazing people, so decent in the what seems like a sea of toxic people in society who are so psychologically unhealthy. So many mean people what a gift they are
One thing that many people don't realise is that when you're away completely from the narcissist helpful and kind people, even ones down the road, start to talk to you.
So true! Two decades of people ghosting me with no explanation! My narc would always tell me it was me.
4 months without him.... I have met 6 different women at different times and they are very genuine and fun! Guess it wasn't me
@@teresahoffmann4375 We can look in the mirror and see ourselves; who do they see I wonder?
I think they have a portrait of Dorian Grey in the attic.@@rosemaryclarke2348
Not when you isolated in your own depression and taking out of home became anxiety and panic attack quest, when simply goes outside is no longer possible because of every place and every environment are reminds oh her. So no more any social contacts, anything. I still not sure if she is narcissist, but some traits and her discard was so wildly brutal, i dont want anything anymore, just constant rumination, despetation, i just want calm and peace as before, as i thought it was. Any socialuization or even daily stuff are became impossible. No more anything, after months.
Nope.. not afraid of being alone, it's other people that scare me more.
Being alone is being free to be your whole self. I know that there are a lot of good people out there but there is no rush to discover them. Be well out there 💛✌️👍
At first, I feared being alone something terrible. I was afraid to leave my home for over a year. Now being alone feels safest. No more worrying about every action, thought, and word. I went on a few dates and felt myself still carefully evaluating my every behavior and realized being alone is best right now. I need to get past trying to be perfect for someone. I may be too broken for relationships but that’s still far better than the abuse.
I’m just leaving a 37 year abusive marriage and I feel lost and don’t know why. I’m older and I wish I was already where you are now. God bless you. 🥹
I was raised being told once a week, for hours at a time using every excruciating detail about how I am a cruel, violent and angry misogynist who will grow up to become a wife beater. Being alone was always my only option.
I was terrified at first, but now I love being alone and narcissist free. It wasn't easy, but the work I've done on myself is absolutely worth it.
So true, it's very freeing. It also leaves you free to see those who are and aren't good for us
I noticed many people commenting on how great being alone is after experiencing a narcissistic relationship. Choosing solitude has been such a gift to me. Even after more than 15 years, I do not regret it. I no longer can identify how bad my life was living with a raging narc. At one point, I wrote down as many experiences I could remember reminding myself of what it was like. I cannot read that recollection since I don't want to revisit anything. There were times in my past where I actually wrote down the experience right after it happened because in a short time frame, I knew there would be "conversation" negating that entire experience. That small effort helped remind myself that I was not crazy.
Yes that negating the entire conversation. Whew!!
I did that too. I filled 5 journals so that I could remind myself that I didn’t imagine it all or overreact.
Its a relief to find out the hallways of this insane experience are a personality disorder. Makes you see people differently forever.
It is a no brainer…being alone is 1000% better than being with a narcissist!!! I also highly recommend moving far away from him or her. I moved 26 hours away and it helped me with my final stage of healing.
Wait 26 hours away!! That’s pretty far!! Enjoy your life!!
I had to move away too. There’s no ‘away’ far enough from these monsters.
My ex narc was saying before we broke up that she kinda wishes she could move back to Hawaii. Now that we broke up I hope to God she does so I never have to see her face in my town again 😅
@@isaiahknecht652 Yep! I just saw mine for the first time in 3 years (he and his wife) due to a grandchild’s birthday. He was very polite, but in a 5 minute conversation, he still managed to invalidate me. Narcs suck and I hope she moves too!
It took me 55+ years to realize that I could do it.
That I could leave.
I could heal..
Staying for me, was walking death.
2 years later, now I fear people.
Now I don’t want to be with anyone for more than an afternoon.
So I went from one extreme to the next
I guess…but I’m working on it,
& what a community to work on it with! 🥹
Thank you Dr. Ramani & the reader of this comment.
You are my people..🤗
So I guess in a way, I’m not alone..
I’ve got you all.🩵
Dear Suzy, I am almost 75 years old. I am slowly moving myself out of the relationship. I have to be careful. I have all kinds of fears,however, I find if I do a little at a time, I can calm myself down and move on. We are all capable. We just need support from a community of those who ‘get it’.
@@cheryl3518 Thank you for your
kind words & wisdom, Cheryl.
It’s appreciated. Especially today..
Yes, we are in the right
group/community. We shall keep on, keepin’ on…together.💜☮️
This subject should have been addressed long before Dr. Ramani!
That gives me hope and less hatred for myself
Dear Vasanti, let’s not hate ourselves, rather let’s keep striving to forgive and have compassion for ourselves. After all, we have been through a great deal of pain and long suffering . And, Although we are not there yet…look how far we have come ! Suzy has been ’out’ for two years (Yeah Suzy). She continues to heal…it’s a process. So, congratulations to you for any distance you have achieved. We shall keep hoping, supporting and praying for one another! ❤
The part about anger...my narcissistic brother would RAGE uncontrollably...break things, the whole bit. He was 15 years older than me and I remember asking him why he acted like that when he got angry and he told me that he has to get it all out of his system and then he ironically told me that it was HEALTHIER for him to do that (rage) than hold it in. I didn't buy it then because even as a child, I knew that it didn't feel good or healthy to me or his family regardless how it felt to him. After my parents passed, I went no contact with him and when I found out he passed (he had drug issues), I was so relieved (almost giddy) and it was the first night I slept soundly in about 10 years. Toxic people do a number on a person...stay safe everyone.
From a very young age, I prayed to be alone.
I've been in a great healing place.
My own home is complete peace.
I lived in fear growing up. I was the scapegoat.
Thank you
Peace 💕🇺🇲
🇨🇦
❤
Dear
Heather, as the family scapegoat one longs for privacy. When you live alone you have peace, harmony, and time to know yourself.❤
Same❤❤❤❤❤
So true. I daydreamed about running away, that maybe I was adopted. Decades later I woke up that I'd forgotten that child, I had betrayed myself! Through decades of loosing myself, their brainwashing was complete. Then I woke up, the spell broken after their biggest betrayal it was impossible not to see it. The dam broke. I reclaim my right to myself, what a gift dr ramani and dr carter are. Without their validation support and teaching I'd still be in the cognitive dissonance desert. My life is really bad, really hard and difficult due to other issues, but psychologically I've never been happier than I am now! To anyone worried about being alone, don't be, that's when you meet who you are and it's really great. Go on your journey of discovery ✌
I'm no longer afraid of being alone. My biggest fear is being dependent or under the control of the narcissist.
❤ Leaving narcissistic abuse feels like I should carry the Olympic torch it’s a great feeling❤
😂😂👍
And so many people are still clueless
Hi Kristy. Can I steal that? when I write my book about my sinister sisters abuse after my mothers death? “I now carry the Olympic torch”. So good!❤
@@barbarahall5514 go ahead:)
That’s what are all here for to help each other out so burn bright buddy :) run with it ……
I'm fine being alone but I'm afraid of getting in a relationship with another narcissist
Me 2
Absolutely. Same. Will be analyzing every interaction in future relationships looking for those red flags. Working on destroying the fantasy that I have had about relationships BEFORE getting involved. No more overlooking toxic behaviors in search of “the one”. Best of luck to you.
@@lazycatdayz4ever905 Best of luck to you as well!
The psychological abuse that I endured from the narcissist and his enablers is something that I'm still going through.
I still feel their control, their hatred and contempt for me.
But I've kicked the narcissist out of my life; I want nothing more to do with either the narcissist or the enablers. As far as I'm concerned, they no longer exist to me.
No Contact is a godsend. I'm using it with my sisters and brother-in-law. HUGE peace-of-mind not having to engage with them, ever.
I feel you Cynthia. But in time you’ll stop feeling their control. It’ll almost be like a eureka moment one day. Hang in there! Focus on what you love and take your time recovering from it all
@@nishith3322 ... Does it get better then .... I'm five weeks out and have post anxiety in my knees from flight fight
@@franceshaggitt3104 it always does. It takes time, but it does. Give yourself all the time you need. And remember not be hard on yourself. And try doing what you feel like doing, and what you think makes you happy. Try new things, I've felt that helps sometimes, new experiences can be refreshing. You'll be fine Frances ❤️
@@franceshaggitt3104 I'm still dealing with it years later, but I also multiple CPTSD and other issues. I think we have to allow ourselves the freedom for our emotional selves to catch up with our logical selves. Knowledge provides only answers. Freedom requires embracing betterness and happiness. I woke up this morning from weird dreams coming away with a new slogan I've been wanting to share: "Let happiness win." It's multifaceted. Take care and best of luck.
I had two girl friends before meeting my now wife for over 37 years (and that doesn't include four years dating, engagement and overseas travel). I remember being a little bit scared since I had been told I was not good enough (according to my older sisters) for anyone to romantically love me. My sisters were wrong.
I'm the youngest also and I think we carry internal wounds from the sibling rivalry and kick-the-dog syndrome (teasing/bullying). My older siblings don't acknowledge how they picked on me or resented me.
I have chosen being alone and have been for 35 years after my narcissistic parents (I was the scapegoat) and 2 narcissistic husbands. It is better. I could not imagine having yet another important narcissistic relationship and surviving that emotionally. I do tolerate moderate relationship difficulty, but not the all-consuming abyss that life with a narcissist is.
Yes! Same here, escaped 33 yrs ago and briefly fell in with another, but left faster!
Single and valid for 30 yrs! Ahh freedom!🎉
What I discovered is that it is when you have started to love being alone, you are functioning and have a life you are really enjoying that a healthy person will find you and you will be surprised by your detachment and lack of urgency this time around. You don't NEED anyone and this has improved your discernment and ability to find the relationship you want and deserve.
You end up afraid to even spend your own money on yourself. Even if it’s once in a blue moon.
My husband only allowed me to spend 2$ a day ,I did have my own mobile grooming business He got upset I would go get a big Pepsi at a fast food joint ,lol, so now I have slowly learned to go ahead and spend on myself ,you will heal
Yes
@@sherylo994 If you keep getting Pepsi and fast food you will need to heal from something other than narcissistic abuse.
@@sherylo994 Small rebel acts are Empowering.
🙆🌄
@@timmjackson you have a listening 👂 problem.
You'll be relieved when they're dead? Maybe. But just because they're older doesn't mean they'll die first. The stress of being with a narcissist wrecks your mind and body. They are killing you. Get out, get happy. Let them die on their own time and you on your own schedule. Spend what you have left already relieved, already happier, already more secure, already healthier, and perhaps already reversing the damage done to you that leads to a younger death.
I've felt from a young age like I'm not sure where I belong,or if I belong in my family and my marriage. I feel like an abandoned child left by the side of the road without proper life skills. I never feel safe.
I feel similar
Same
I'm exactly the same, and have been exploring this in therapy.
I empathize with you so much on this ❤ I’m NC with my family and have no friends, no coworkers I really connect with, and live with my narc still. Very isolating and the thought of if I’ll ever truly belong anywhere good crosses my mind often. God is with us! It’s taken me a long time to realize that but he’s really the only one who’s sustained me and kept me going when I have no one else. Rest easy knowing you don’t fight your battles alone even if that’s what it might look like on the outside. God is with you and sees everything. Talk to him and lean on him always ❤
@@soldieroflove1557 Thank you and God bless you. I do lean on the Lord know he loves me just as I am. That's of great comfort.
It was my mom who was everything you describe...I honestly cannot bring myself to believe anything except for she hated me from the moment I was born because I was born female, therefore presenting as competition for her....Dr. Ramani, you'd have a field day with my childhood and family histories lol haven't spoken to my mom in over a year now...makes me sad sometimes, but the freedom is worth it.
I came to the same realization concerning my mother, jealousy. But yet I was tomboyish, you'd think that would be close enough to being a male, right. Noooooo. I was hammered on every side about my looks to my activities to my choices...all wrong unless they benefitted her in some way. Would not accept me as I was and would not let me accept me either. Talk about confused growing up. Now, my older brother could do no wrong and he was supported in whatever endeavor he chose. I stayed in the woods surrounding our home as long as I could just to have some me time, that was at age 7. Just me and Brigette, a doberman pinscher. And no, I NEVER had desires to "change my gender" I simply enjoyed things more that were considered male themes than perfect hair, nails, make-up, purses 🙄, dresses...you get the idea hopefully. I LOVED hunting and building things, climbing trees. Anyway, her opinion of MY CHOICES never changed but grew worse and her demands of me did also especially when she needed some work done around her home. See... I was damned either way I turned. Oh you shouldn't be like that, oh I'm so glad you're like that. I stopped the yo-yo circuit 5 yrs ago and have never looked back. I'm sure she hasn't changed and I'm so glad she didn't change me.
@@SendItForward I feel like you snuck into my brain somehow and read my thoughts lol while it does feel really good to feel so understood, I'm deeply sorry you had to experience those things at the hand of the woman who should have loved you more than anyone else on this planet.
My son turns 12 in a few weeks and I couldn't fathom doing even 2% of what she did....but ultimately, they pay in that their own offspring have abandoned them as a consequence of their selfish, heinous decisions. My mom will rot in a home where she belongs, the things she did and said to me, as well as the things she allowed people SHE invited into the home to do to me. Good riddance to them both lol
I feel like it's a double whammy when you a narcissistic mother and who resents you for being born as a girl. In my experience, I got narcissistic abuse and abused for just being borne. Never being totally accepted.
Same here. Always trying to outdo me. The jealousy ate her up; she didn't want what I had per se, she just didn't want ME to have it.
@Dayna Peterson I know that feeling all too well:(
Anger is one part of our defense system in our body! Nothing to fear. You need anger to brake free 👍🏻
So true..the narc I was .arrived to would always say I was so angry..last year I heard him say he doesn't talk to anyone who is angry...
I have narc Mom, and I married a Narc ,so I am scared of being in another relationship ,yes my personality changed too
Keep working on yourself ❤😅
Check out Kyle Cease
Thank you Dr. Ramani you are so right on with everything! I was raised by narcissist. Parents, then married one to get away from my parents! I didn't know he was one, had never heard of narcissists in 1975. I was married to him for 25 years till I found out he was cheating with LOTS of people, men and women! I am now married to a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart, and I love him with all of mine. He is retired now from being an excellent life coach and has helped me immensely through everything right back to when I was a child being abused by my parents, (And still do when I talk to my mom on the phone). Thank you again Dr. Ramani, you are such a huge help to so many including me. I think you are wonderful! ❤
I left my ex almost 2 years ago, and I'm realizing now that he used to use my fear of being replaced to manipulate me for years. And now I am experiencing these feelings because he is now dating someone new. I'm having such a hard time with the feeling of being replaced. Now I realize I need to dive in to this with my therapist. It's definitely attached to my childhood. Wow! Thanks for this.
Your worthy. He will fail
Feel pity for his new partner(s). Feel pity for him that he will never know a relationship of love rather than power. Plus when you're ready, you'll replace him. But perhaps 'replace' is the problem word. You don't belong to anyone, so you can not really be replaced. It's an ugly word. My mother used to say I could be replaced. That might be funny once in a healthy parent-child relationship, but repeatedly from a narcissist parent is just damaging. No, we're unique. Someone else might fill that 'place' of victim at the narcissist's side, but for the person ousted, the victimhood thereafter is only in our minds. We're freed physically. Now our journey is to free ourselves emotionally, and that's where we (and our therapists) should spend our energy rather than wasting it on performing all the victimizing on ourselves on our exes' behalves. Best of luck, @Dani. Haven't you earned better? 🤕🙂
It's not as though your ex is going to magically become a sane, safe, healthy person. He may suppress the narc behaviors for awhile with the new supply, but eventually the whole cycle will start again.
I had moved out, but we were still in a consistent, although even more dysfunctional, relationship. A year later, he started dating someone but still would not leave me alone. Of course I was afraid of being alone and abandoned. Him seeing somebody else TORE me up. It’s taken me a few years to put the pieces back together. In the meanwhile, that relationship didn’t last. That didn’t make me feel any better, I realized that it had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my abandonment wounds from childhood. That realization allowed me to take steps in the right direction finally. Therapy is everything! You got this girl!
@@DolceIbarra that's what it is. I don't want him back, ever. But I realize I have some childhood issues to work through.
Spending time with a narcissist has a corrosive effect on your soul, gradually chipping away at your self-esteem and sense of worth. Even if you try to protect yourself by practicing "grey rocking," you'll still lose bits and pieces of who you are over time. Don't be afraid of being alone. This way at least you can preserve and nurture your true self.
Living completely alone after leaving my narc ex was the best thing I could have done for myself, even if it felt like hell at first.
It's great to be able to hang the photos I want to hang, arrange the furniture the way I want it, decorate the way I want to, all without being name called, belittled, and mocked. Taking out all the art i had buried in my closet because he didn't like it and putting it all over? Amazing.
I could cook what I wanted when I wanted, go to bed when I wanted without him badgering me. I could get up when i wanted and enjoy my coffee.
Every mess I cleaned I cleaned knowing it was mine, I wasn't cleaning up after my ex after he deployed his masterful weaponized incompetence.
The first few months were full of doubts of if I could actually survive or if I was as awful as my ex said. He told me over and over I couldn't make it on my own. But I've been living solo ever since, five years now.
I have a new partner, but I don't think I ever want to live with someone else again. I enjoy my freedom too much!
You’ve given me so much hope reading your testimony of leaving and being on your own finally. I’m in the midst of trying to break free. My head is finally free of the fog. I can’t get out just yet but I’m gonna be secretly planning my next steps to get out. I can so envision this life too and it sounds amazing. I’m an artist as well but my narc has never made me feel like my art was good and never asked me to hang it around the house. It’s hidden away in my art room which he said I can do whatever I want in there I suppose where no one else would see it. I’ve always thought he was jealous of my creativity. I can’t wait until I’m on my own and I can do all the things I want to do and not feel bad for any of it. 😊
I 100% agree with what you've said. When I left our house it hit me that I didn't want ANY of the art/furnishings in it. I had let her choose everything (usually after wearing me down with arguing). I found it so freeing to tell her that I didn't want any of it. I made a new place with only my things and new things I wanted - nothing from that bad time in my life.
....and I go to bed in peace when I want to and I wake up in peace and have coffee and I don't get a barrage of BS first thing in the morning. "I" plan "my" day. I love it.
With how much I’ve learned about narcissism from you, I have minimized the effect my narc has over me and have been able to process a lot of what has happened. Being able to understand that no matter what I did I wouldn’t be enough and that it really didn’t have anything to do with me was gratifying. Being able to recognize that they are a liar, jerk, self-involved turd sandwich made it easier to process the trauma of it. I just couldn’t believe someone could be that cruel and thoughtless, but I can now. Being able to understand these different mechanisms and toxic relationships has enabled me to forge more meaningful friendships with more truly empathic people.
So, thank you, Doctor Ramani!
When I was just dating the narcissist, and in a particularly depressive state ( I struggled w/ depression since I was a teen) I told him, “I’d rather be miserable w/ you than miserable alone.” Ugh, that statement has haunted me ever since I realized I was married to a narcissist & from a narcissistic family. Deep down I do fear being alone for prolonged periods of time. It’s not anxiety, it’s sadness, loneliness. It’s the lack of all the positive emotions shared w/ another human,a partner. I care for dogs and have my own dog, and while canines aren’t a substitute for human affection, Dogs don’t lie-there affection is simple & genuine. I never watch a movie or Netflix alone at home. I rarely go for a walk alone. I can even run some errands w/ dogs. I’m way happier surrounded by dogs that’s are genuinely ecstatic to have my affection.
In the thirty year relationship with my ex narcissist husband, I did not fear being alone, I feared the outcome of being reliant. I am grateful for your videos and how empowered I have started to feel.
My mom would always talk about how one day she will die…she did this through my childhood and adulthood. Disturbing manipulation on children. SMH 🤦🏻♀️
I’ve had anger issues for the entirety of my 27 years of surviving my narcissistic wife that constantly and still uses our 5 children against me!!! But closing in on 2 years since I’ve walked away my anger is rapidly dwindling to the point I hardly get angry anymore especially with my children who are mostly adults now and I love them dearly!!! But as for my x wife I really could go without seeing her for the rest of my days on this earth!………. And I’m comfortable with that!!!😊
While in my family of origin, I was always afraid of being alone. This fear carried into my early adulthood. It took a nasty divorce from a covert narc for me to now love my time alone.
I do have a fear of being alone and not having to find a true heart to heart love. I’m divorced after 51 years of marriage to a narcissist 😢
I'm starting the process after 20, because I know I can't stand to be here anymore. Know that you are better off emotionally without him, whether you find a better match or not. I probably should put a sign up by the front door saying as much to remind me of that, too, but it's definitely true. 😂❤😊
Hi Connie, I fully understand you. I am married 35 years with a narcist and he will leave me for his new love. I do have a fear of being alone too also because I am 65 now. I wish you all you wish for daar Connie 😘
Hi Connie, I gettin ready to leave my husband of 52 years and I've just discovered all the things he has put me through because he is a narcissist. I am so afraid of being alone as I'm 71 and have never lived alone. I so happy for you that you got out.
Married 36 years 4 sons... starting again in an empty house.
@@Who_amI57 prayers 😊
Forty years ago I was in the middle of therapy preparing for a confrontation with my alcoholic parents. Mom died suddenly of a stroke. I was left without reconciliation, closure or healing. Only in recent years I learned about narc abuse and CPTSD. Despite knowing that there is nothing one can do to change a narc's behavior I realized I was still attached to the old delusional fantasy that I could have restored the relationship if only I had acted sooner . Finally got relief 😁
I have a physical reaction to anger as though I’m in physical danger. I think this is due to the fact that my narcissistic mom would sometimes hit me when enraged (over the smallest accidents/mistakes), & also bc of the severe emotional abuse.
I am working on being more comfortable w/ maintaining boundaries & verbalizing my perceived negative emotions instead of ppl pleasing. It’s very hard.
Great book Pete Walker cPTSD after narc abuse. Good luck on your journey
Wow you just helped me immensely guys always argue with me and lately I just want too snatch a person anybody rough looking its wierd especially guys that stare I can't function almost getting out of my car ask if they know me wanna kiss me what why do other races stare at a person what's up with that ?Quit staring people it's rude and intimidating just dint mean 2 rant I b over Der .
These cowards are scared because THEY KNOW how they have always treated me. They knew that I was gentle as a dove… but I never showed them I am also as wise as a King Cobra. 🐍
Biggest fear is becoming like the ones who've abused me, so when disassociation or something else overshadows my heartfelt empathy, I do begin to doubt myself and wonder and fret. Thank you for reminding us that is not gone, just having to take a back seat for protection, healing etc.
You dont have empathy for yourself. It goes in the other direction. So it's null and void
@@chayo4537This comment has nothing to do with the comment to which it appears to be meant as a reply. It’s completely innappropriate, as well.
I'm 24 seconds in. I left everything I had in NYC to move to Kansas City Missouri to live with my step father who raised me since I was 6. I found out the very hard way that he is a covert narc. Since Feb he has abused me, giving silent treatment, constant arguments, constant negativity, angry at my response to a neighbors bad behavior (loud music til 6am, dangerous pit bull that we can sit outside). The final straw was on Sunday he was bad mouthing me to the selfish neighbor that creates all the headaches in the area. I lost it. I raged out. He denied everything he has done to me since Feb (including inappropriate sexual comments). I threw things, I kicked him, I threatened his life. It's not something I'm proud of at all. I was betrayed in the worst possible way by a man I trusted and loved. I was put in a vulnerable situation, no place of my own and at the mercy of his abuse. I was invalidated for my very just feelings. He always took the side of my abusers (men were sexually harassing me here and he said "oh well that's just the bus for you". I'm heartbroken. Since Sunday I have found a job, moved my stuff into storage and today I'm going to sign a lease on a apartment downtown in the city. He is the last of my family I'm discarding. My mom is an overt narc and I had to door slam her in 2014, grandparents in 2021 and now him. What's sad is since in the "black sheep" they will just talk about how I always do this without ever looking at how they pushed me to that point. The hell with them
You go good for you love yourself first easier said than done you got this
Take care of yourself and enjoy your own peaceful company. I go NC with my parents (coupe years)and my extended dysfunctional family (2012).
It’s sad that there’s no loving and supportive family for us but I find peace now. ☮️
That is so good that you left I do not know you but I am proud of you
I hear you and yes your assessment is spot on about it all. I am not over the anger yet but the rage I wished to inflict on them for what they did has receded. I know at my core it is of no use..... I still ruminate on revenge on occasion and I am working on that.
Narc repeated multiple times over years that -"you cannot live without me"!
Grateful for the validation 🙏🏼🌸🌿🌸
I got told nobody else would want me just yesterday I laughed at her.
Same. Helped me to write down what he would say, then how it is not true. You are stronger than the toddler who hurt you. 🤗
Daaang. "If someone else wants your uncomfortable seat at the table, let them have it". That's a mantra right there. ;)
I have always feared being alone and suffered narcissistic abuse my whole life. I left my narcissistic husband 1 yr and 10 months ago and have been trying to recover. I definitely don’t even want to think about a relationship after all the hurt and pain that I have been through. I’m going to take as much time as I need to work on myself.
My comfort is being alone. My fear is that there is not anyone who is not a narcissist. I have had so many narcissistic relationships stemming from a family dynamic.
you hit the nail on the head especially with the fear that everyone is a narcissist.
I totally agree and feel the same about everyone not being a narcissist- but the reality is there are so many of us here, and someone who isn't a narcissist will be able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and meet you with compassion. Even if you're saying you don't like something they did. I know that as soon as I'm called out for something I've done that has hurt someone, I am very quick to listen and own my part of the relationship. Because behavior doesn't equate self worth. Good people make mistakes, and are able to hold their own (and others') self worth and accountability for behavior at the same time.
Extremely happy I left a narcissistic for 20 yrs. I have really seen a lot after leaving but also realized a lot. Things I never noticed before. Just wow
About a month or two ago I had a major blowout with my narcissist mother, her new extremely grandiose narcissistic husband, and the entire toxic family system. I learned about all the bs, and just exploded. I don't even care about what they say about me or do at this point I just want to be spiritually free from all of these kinds of people and everyone they see connected to.
I knew if I left my X would destroy my relationship with my children. So I stayed. My 8 yr old daughter begged me not to leave her home alone with her Dad. When my son was teenage he was humiliated by his Dad in public relentlessly. After 30 years my kids were in agreement that I left. I waited for emancipation. I went to college with my son. Worked in housekeeping. I truly wanted my son to know there were good people in this world. (Bachelors) Through years of ups and downs I feel l helped my children through. Now I'm estranged by both my children. Who do you think is to blame? I'm not upset with my children. I've been alone for 23 years and I'm fine.
I am so proud of you for being emancipated. I hope that you live in a more peaceful world. As for the estrangement from your children I hope that you will consider going to therapy for how this is affecting you.
I reach out to you with love, joy, peace , hope and ❤empathy. Let’s cultivate these qualities within ourselves. We need to have compassion for ourselves as we do for others.
I may have stated this wrong. I waited for my kids to be emancipated. My daughter got married and I went to college with my son. Worked in housekeeping.
No disrespect, but if you've been away from your ex for 23 yrs but you're now estranged from your kids, rather than blame your ex, you might consider what dysfunction you are displaying that's pushing them away.
God bless you. I have 2 out of 3 children that followed in their father's footsteps. Last I saw him he was putting a wedge between a self absorbed child against the one who is sane.
We also need to discuss that while the partner cowers from the abuse, they are creating another N damaged child and that child may at some point turn their anger on them. My 26 yr. old niece is, via therapy, finding the anger she was not allowed to express growing up. On Easter Sunday she and her new boyfriend were visiting his relatives an hour away from her parents. She called and asked if they could visit my sister. He flew into a rage and told her to say no. The house wasn't clean enough! He is actually intimidated by the boy. Long story there. My sister was also unable to call her daughter and for the hundredth time say "he blew up it was not my decision to say no," because she can't freely talk on the phone when he is around and he was around except when my niece was at work. I am her only close relative who knows what has been going on. I'd sent her some Easter gifts and called to tell when they would arrive and let her vent about the refusal. She made a decision I totally support. They will not be invited to stay at her apartment for her upcoming graduation in a few weeks. She agreed to have dinner with them but that is it. She wants to enjoy the event partying with friends and not have him controlling her home while she has guests over, or controlling her life..ever again. He will make this my sister's fault as he always does. My niece still remembers the day he flew into a rage and threw her packed boxes against a wall as she prepared to leave for college, having violated one of his OCD rules. My sister cowered on the couch pretending to watch TV. My sister is totally enmeshed with her daughter, but she is now being made to choose between them at a time when she is elderly and has allowed herself to be run into the ground. This is a harsh lesson, but perhaps it will help someone who doesn't have the strength to stand up for themselves, stand up for your children.
I got over my initial fear of being alone, when I was in my 20s and got my first apartment. My parents would visit and, when they’d leave, it felt like the air had been sucked out of the room. Cut to the next scene and I’ve become a person that wonders why you’re still here, when I have things to do. The fear of being alone now, only has to do with the fact that I’m older and fear a medical emergency. Plus, being alone and not having the right person or people in my life, seems to open the door for more narcissists to take their shot, because they feel a single person can be more easily influenced and overcome, than someone who has others in their life. The other is, yes, fear of replacement, concerning my job, at an older age. When everything “appears” innocent and benign, while all of the work goes to the new person. That’s not unintentional, no matter how innocent it may look. But, yeah, other than that, my mind is simply working on personal projects and spending time with my pets. I’d love to fall in love. But am well aware that may not be in the cards.
Finished watching the video.
What I see in all of these segments, is how much people subscribe to role playing. That, if there’s a narcissist, particularly whomever they choose to be their target, MUST be the exact opposite of them. They cannot become angry, must understand they exist to serve and to be victimized, that they only live to supply the narcissist. That it is just the lay of the land, that they might have a lesser, shorter lifespan. If they don’t accept these things, the narcissist and everyone else, will work diligently to reign them in, by any means necessary. Self protection and no contact are considered the escape of a slave. This is widely-accepted, subtly or blatantly. Doesn’t matter what culture you come from. In addition, even the victims of it (scapegoats), may perpetuate it, no matter how painful it has been for them.
Dr ramani thank you for your videos. It’s been just over a week since I was told to leave for the 1000th time. I’ve lost my 4 children, my business is just about dead and I’m living in my work unit. I’ve no family alive and no friends to turn too..
I’ve just taken my son to a skate park and returned him back home. I’ve sat in the lounge and had a drink with my family. She was quite cold.
14 years must of meant nothing.
Watching your videos is the only thing that stops me crying and helps make sense out of all this. ❤
The pain is terrible at first, but after a while it can gradually lift and you realize that you deserve someone who is kind, forthright and safe. No weird games, no teaching you a lesson, no silent treatments, no pointless withholding of basic information... for me the turning point was realizing that I would never be able to reach my ex emotionally, no matter what I did. Giving up hope hurt so much at first, but then it became wonderfully freeing.
OMG - that "If only I can endure this carbon monoxide a little bit longer then I won't have any regret". Ended up with a physical chronic illness, along with the the toll it took on my mental health, after saying something very similar to myself in a highly toxic work environment. My mantra was a bit more "If I keep going and ride this out it will all end up fine". No, it didn't and I didn't.
After 30+ years of marriage, I left in my 60s. He was in his 70s. He died five months after our divorce, vengeful to the end, trying to hurt me from the grave. I felt some grief, but that only lasted a very few days. Mostly it's relief. One of the things that really helped me get over it was putting a full-face, life-size photo of him on my computer monitor. Then I spent about an hour, 90 minutes, telling him everything I needed to say. Anger, disappointment, hurt, and acknowledgement of the good times. It was sometimes triggering, but it was healing. I put it up again a couple of days later and found myself saying, "I have nothing left to say to you," and not looking at it again. I did have to deal with some things after he died, but not what I would have dealt with had he stayed. They weren't my responsibility, but I did them because of me, not because of him.
Thanks so much for talking about the fear of losing your empathy. Since leaving a super controlling and manipulative friend, for a while I was suspicious of everyone, closing myself off from everyone because I felt that anyone could be the next person to misuse me. I perceived even minor rudeness as someone being out to tear me down, and felt general dislike for everyone around me. After a few months, I am feeling myself open up again. I’ve met a few lovely people who are kind and friendly, who I would do anything for. I haven’t lost my empathy, I just was putting it away to try and protect myself. And now that I’ve had time to move on and heal, I see the people around me not as potential dangers, but as people who have flaws and merits like everyone else. I still have a long way to go in moving on and trusting again, but finding new friends who are supportive and kind is helping me to feel love for the people around me again. Thanks for your videos Dr. Ramani, you are helping me process many things at a point in time when I cannot afford therapy. Keep doing what you do, you lovely human being.
0:28 The fear of being alone
11:03 The fear of the narc will replace you
20:53 The fear of the narc dying
36:43 The fear of anger
43:37 The fear of losing empathy
My repressed anger is costing me my health
same I can relate
You can't bond or connect with them. They can and will manipulate to assure you think you can, or do, connect with them. They have no problem twisting the true facts to keep you trapped in their schemes. Be you, be kind to you. Protect from their abuses. Plan for healing. They don't need to know, you know. You are Loved. ❤
I think a lot of what is talked about here is true not only for a narcissistic family unit, but abusive relationships in general. I know one parent was unmistakably narcissistic. I am not sure about their partner. I view myself as the scapegoat in my family. I am currently overcoming the incredible sense of shame I seem to be full to overflowing. I am finally recognizing the loving, valuable person I am. It took leaving both my parents and losing a lot of my family. I felt like if they didn't value me, did I have value? How can I value me if those closest to me did not. I realize I needed to make the choice to value myself regardless of anything I was taught by someone else. Therefore, I am valuable. Period. I live, I breathe, I believe. I have worth just because. God created me, I am still abiding upon this Earth and I can still positively effect any individual whose life I cross paths with. I seek to lighten both my life and others. Step by step, moment by moment, prayer by prayer. Today is what I have. Thank you God.
Incredible comfort to know my numb feelings served me..& it’s ok to feel now. And I’m even “ALLOWED” to feel angry!
I feel sorry for my dad at times. In spite of how he treated me when I was younger, I am also doing the right thing to handle his needs in his final years, but doubt I will feel much when he dies.
I never even missed my mother, actually I did not miss my father who enabled her either. funny how that is not even an issue for me at this time. I am actually looking forward to my siblings being gone too. No contact but the threat of them walking back in keeps me tense in the deep core self.
Dr. Ramani, from the bottom of my heart thank you for all you say and do! ❤️
27:10 "I don't care how many mantras you say, it doesn't feel good!" (yes!)
As always, thank you for your compassionate support and emphatic encouragement! Hearing you say how damaging these relationships are outloud serves as an excellent reminder at times of self doubt when we say things to ourselves like, "maybe I'm being hypersensitive - maybe if I just do this, or maybe if I just do that, I can survive this situation and somehow make things work."
Many of us have really been alone all of our lives & didn't realize it. I find being alone peaceful. I'm happily married, but I was alone for awhile before we met. I had a full life. I've told my husband if he dies before I do. I won't ever marry again. I feel like my husband is one of a kind. He's a pain inthe butt, but he's my pain & he keeps me laughing & going. I'm glad he puts up with me, since I truly know that I'm not perfect. Thanks Doc for this video. We must learn to love our alone time & love our own company!!!
I felt this. I fell for it all. When he left working 2 years I was an empty nester. Euphoric recall, Love bombing and questioning my abilities had me back with him after escaping. And the cycle started again. I escaped the 2nd time 6 months ago and never looked back. I am alone but at peace ☮️. I’m sitting at a restaurant eating alone while I write this 😊
Bravo! Better alone than abused!! God bless you and be with you...He is 24/7with you!
Fully agree with Sudha. Let’s not confuse loneliness, with being alone . We need to be alone with ourselves in order to discover who we really are. These relationships cause massive conflict and confusion within ourselves. I am praying that you will discover the beautiful person within soon. Let’s take back what has been stolen from us❤
Love this thank you for sharing!❤
This lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders with this video specifically. But ALL of your videos has helped me sooooo much. . I hope you never change the music intro. Might sound silly but when I hear that music. I get this feeling that comes over me that says ….. here is another video that is going to help your heart today …… and without fail. I get relief thank you You are amazing. I appreciate you
Dr Ramani, you are a queen and a true beacon of hope for humanity, I really mean this
I paused the video when you asked: why do survivors fear their own anger?
That's an easy one to answer. The narcissist will always yes always turn your anger against you. Now they are the victim no matter what they did to provoke the emotion of anger inside you. To the survivor, anger is akin to kryptonite. Period. The anger must be swallowed and for sure your poker face must be on point because if your face or even body posture indicate anger, you're 100% screwed. You're 100% screwed anyway but it will absolutely be much worse.
If she hasn’t already, I would love to see her do a video about anger. Before and after the discard.
He picked me so I was no longer alone. I stayed 15 years because I wasn’t “alone.” 2 years free and at first being alone was priceless but now being alone is just lonely. He was a horrible scary malignant narcissist but I wasn’t alone. It’s a weird feeling.
Get out where people are. The gym, activity centers. Bingo. Dancing. Classes. Walmart. Pamper yourself: massages, manicure, pedicures, hair
My "mother" and her narc family ruined much of my life, costing me personal property, social standing, human dignity, psychological, physical and emotional health and ALMOST stole my inheritance! VERY EVIL PEOPLE!
Narc mothers are most evil. The devil
That shiny brand new supply - I remember having that when I met my ex. And as the years went by I saw through more and more of his tricks and he knew it. I was no longer good supply anymore. I began to call him on his BS… and I could see he was beginning to panic. I remember once he was busy at work and texted me to tell me this really nice lady dropped in for a chat. He may have been trying to get me to wake up and realize other appreciative women were available to replace me. You’re so right.. I was horrified at the thought of being replaced even knowing what I knew. I left three months ago but it still makes my heart ache knowing I will be replaced by someone who actually “loves and appreciates him”. Even knowing I was already number three. 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Dr. Ramani, you're spot on once again. I swear, if I believed in psychics, I could swear you were one. I know you're just very smart and knowledgeable on the subject of narcissism. Thank you for all of your sage advice. ❤️
I thought that myself tonight. I was thinking tonight how my estranged significant other was taking advantage of me because of my empathy. He KNOWS that I would never deliberately hurt him, no matter how much pain he has caused me. I was pretty down on myself about it. Then in this video she mentioned it. No….I’m not crazy!
I’ve been away from my husband for 6 years and still have a healthy fear of him
I'm really glad you linked the fear to the feelings experienced while dealing with family of origin. We often want to forget the times we lived with ongoing fear.
I lived with one for 45 years he died 7 month ago I was mad until I realised that my feeling was because until the end he never understood what he had done to me and my girls i had to learn this days who i am really and learned to live again i learned a lot with u thank u i wish it was earlier so i would have left long ago everything u say is right
Love being alone!
I just HOPE he'll replace me with someone else so he'll leave me alone and stop harassing and stalking me!!!!
The regret thing kept me interacting with my dad- I tried everything I could until I finally hit my limit and told myself No Regrets now. I did everything I could think of and was still ignored. I did right by him, he didn't do right by me. End of story- no contact.
I went "no contact" with my mother 24 years ago. Then I realized that I married "my mother". I was married to my husband for 27 years and finally had concrete proof of his affairs. Life is so much more peaceful for me and I hope this for you.
I stuck it out for 45 yrs.....for lots of reasons. Mostly financial...I had invested ALOT!!! SO..... HE DIED over a year ago.......no happy dance at the time he died....only Saddness......and terrible mixed feelings. Now that time had passed...with therapy and the help of you and Dr. Carter and many more I am recovering nicely. Due diligence has been paid and I am moving on. Away from his Narcissist Family and their abuse. New home new surrounding new people. Who said. New geographics doesn't work
I believe it will!!!! Thanks Dr. R. Appreciate you very much!!
Thankfully I never had the fear of being alone. I'm so happy having left & am living life on my own terms without being haranged about every little thing.
If I find a man to have a relationship with, great; if not, no big deal. I have other ppl in my life, hobbies & a job.
It's the worry that I won't be able to have children because my prime baby-making years were entirely wasted on narcissistic men, the miscarriages I had during those relationships, the infertility my coping methods of food and alcohol caused, and the stress of trying to fix all of this before I turn 35 and it's too late is what terrifies me the most. I'm turning 33 in a month and I just hope it's not already too late.
you have time! Rest assured
I had my first at 31. My second at 37. You have time.
Think of it as a blessing you didn't
Your maternal instinct went somewhere I guess. taking care of men
I feel you. I’m turning 34 next month and I’m single. I wasted my prime time for the wrong relationships, toxic narcissistic men. Now I have trust issues and don’t really want to date anyone. Just let it be. Sometimes, I wish having a loving partner and our kid but idk … 😢
this video could not have come at a more appropriate time! thanks, Dr. Ramani!
This is fantastic! I broke up w my ASD who has Narcissist tendencies four weeks ago. This video is the best I’ve listened to about dispelling the fears of leaving the dysfunctional partner. I spent a lot of time trying to figure him out and now I realize it wasn’t healthy for my nervous system and that’s got to be enough reason to leave. My stomach would cramp when I was around him, in the car for instance when he would give me the silent treatment. Sometimes I would have to ask him to pull over and run behind a tree. I was always trying to bring him toward me without success. I’m dealing with all the ways I contributed by staying beyond the first date. All the red flags were there. Sending awareness, acceptance and action to everyone who is in this dynamic. You’ve got this. Now do it!
Yes. The fear of being alone is dread even after the relationship is over. I sometimes yearn for the unhealthy familiar.
If we do not listen to all your insight warnings, we will not grow. You give us so many examples. You say hard things but there are no excuses. No good results unless we do the hard things. Thankyou Dr. Ramani, for the truth and your care to all of us, so we can have honest relationships that are enjoyable! 🥰
I've wasted my whole life 58 years on them. Worrying that I will regret my decision to go no contact when they die. This video has finally helped me to do what I know I should have done years ago! Thank you 🙏
Absolutely one of your top 10 videos! Thank you again for helping me feel “not crazy”
I am suffocating under the control, the hypocrisy, diminishment, gaslighting, emotional abandonment, flirting, triangulation, response abuse, emotional cheating, manipulation, toxicity and devaluation.
I've always felt and been better alone, I'm not afraid of it. I was just so in love with them and ignorant to them being narcissistic at all. It took me years to enter a new relationship and I was paranoid about red flags. I think I deserved to be.
Thank you for these compilations, I was afraid to some extent that old thematic videos will disapear in the stream of dailys.
I feel my emotions, 99% of the time I can tell what caused them, and I am in control of my actions.
This was my situation: I was living alone, capable, taking care of myself, my home, my pets, had a job. I was fine. Then I met HER. At the end of 14 months: house neglected, me neglected, but still working and pets okay. But my sense of reality was melting away. My self-esteem circling the drain. WTF?! I walked away. I think she had my replacement ready in the wings. Thank goodness I can support myself. I don't ask myself why I wasn't good enough. If she had been a normal person, I would have been enough and then some. I don't feel I was replaced because she can't replace the unique me. Not bragging. Just giving myself credit where it's due, finally.
Nope, i welcome being alone after the years of emotional hell! I have no plans to be in another relationship for a very long time!