WATCH OUT for these 5 types of narcissistic enablers
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- Опубликовано: 27 сен 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Maya Angelou: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
I love this quote and this is my favorite mantra 🙏
@A New Day I will pray 🙏 for you and your niece for strength and perseverance. No contact depending on circumstances can be very difficult.
But, i was simple minded, and didn't understand what I was up against ( even tho I had been trained that way, while growing up ) .
Absolutely Correct!
Very bad and not wise wisdom.
Enablers are worse than the narcissists themselves. It makes me furious how they encourage the narcs to keep up their awful behaviour and silence everyone suffering. Don't even get me started on toxic positivity...
Aynilaa - I fully hear you, and your fury will subside in time. Remain empowered!
I hate toxic positivity. My narcissist keeps trying to get me to be positive about literal sh*t. It makes me sick.
@@sirena9167 Exactly. No matter what they do, you're supposed to forgive, forget and be positive. Never burst their bubble.
My own mother is a malignant narcissist. It took almost 50 years for me to realize and get the help I needed. I’m also her scapegoat daughter! Ouch!
Couldn't agree more!
The worst is when people do understand and still enable them.
The self serving enablers
The ones that gets abused, takes it, then tell you it’s not a big deal and to let it go.
Correct The ultimate betrayal
The best thing about the last three years of work to shed away 30+ years of narcissistic abuse is this: I no longer care about the narc, or what his enablers think. I delight in the fact that none of them have access to me or my children ever again. We ghosted them. We cut the cancer out of our lives. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
This is where you want to be. Not angry. Not sad. Not wanting or needing others to understand, agree, or condone your decision, but confident that the decision you made was right... confident enough that their opinion doesn't matter.
Congrats on getting there.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼🙌🏼💯
Life goals!
This literally is exactly what I’ve experienced, and the family member I shared it with literally discredits it immediately. The abuse has caused me anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
I can relate! It's horrible.
Normal. You are normal. We are normal Lucia Sophia. 💖 😵(😉) 😘 Hugs.
I ALLREADY had excruciating pain from my whole neck surgeries 4 of them. I met someone that was willing to except me for my pain. Big MISTAKE. He’s a controlling Narsasist cheater liar adultery. He Spits in my face. Cheated with his ex wife behind my back several times before I found out. Stayed with her several days at a time. We still talk. But boy my ANXIETY IS BAD bad. Panic attacks. STRESS. PTSD. I literally shake. Like walking on eggshells. He would tell other women there beautiful. Hot sexy. Cute. Nice body. Your hot. While we were married. Lots More lots. ETC. NIGHTMARE
Am very sorry, as I do know how this feels !
@@joyreinhardt7621 this Joy 💐 does also, its very painful 😖💔💔
The difficulty I see is that many people don’t know what psychological or emotional abuse is let alone narcissistic abuse. It took me a long time to acknowledge, accept and understand the various forms of non-physical abuse I had experienced (over 50 years). Unless someone has experienced it themselves it can be difficult for them to understand.
Agreed
Exactly!!
I agree! I'm 61 and it took me moving far, far away in order to really understand what had happened to me. There were so many people thinking that I was the problem and labeled me 'unwell'. Now I can see how toxic the enablers have been in my life. It's been interesting, and painful, to realize that the so called friends were not really there for me. Wishing you healing as well!
The hardest part for me before I had a word for this was explaining it to people... like judges when my mother sued for access to my kid. Trying to describe a narcissist is near impossible. You can give examples... but the examples are all petty small shit, because the damage done by the narcissist isn't in the petty incidents... it's in the sheer constant never stop petty incidents and emotion manipulation. But unless someone has experienced it themselves it is impossible to convey the enormity. So in the end you come across as someone overreacting to a few petty incidents.
Everything... court included... is done, and my mother has had zero access to my family since my youngest was an infant, but I remember how difficult that explanation was.
For the rest of the world I just stated... she was a horrible individual. Everyone knows that horrible evil individuals exist but they never want to believe they know someone raised by one. I could see the words hit and the subject of my mother was never brought up again by anyone I said that to.
yes ..but it feels like another layer of excuses for the narcissistic behaviours ..how else will you even learn about the truth if you start with doubt, that's how narcs survived so long, treating everyone differently & keeping them divided..
When I got rid of the narcissist, I had to trash the enablers. It was painful when reality hit. I had surrounded myself with shallow people who didn't want the party to be over. I had to start from scratch with real friends, moving, changing job & career. Looking back my judgement was clouded by denial, self blame & low esteem. I changed my attitude from believing I wasted my time to one of maturing from life lessons.
Ouch. Thank you for this but it hit SUPER close to home. It’s time to leave the party, no matter the cost.
The realities of our society now is very triggering for those of us that experience narcissistic abuse. We recognize the gaslighting and lies for what they are and it's getting harder to avoid.
It's everywhere, and those who don't have a huge history of abuse are not aware of it like we are!!!
Yes. Once we can see past the mask… All the masks seem to fall
@@denisemorrison6331 ABSOLUTELY!!!!💯💯💯💯
Yep. I stopped watching the news years ago. One channel is known for its lies to its viewers, but all of the stations do it. Incredibly triggering when your parents were just these people, and used their siblings to reinforce the gaslighting.
Very true!
This is a very important part to understand and was required for my healing. I rarely explain my mothers personality to anyone anymore but when I feel it necessary, I don’t use the word narcissist. If someone is truly interested, I describe her behaviours. If someone challenges my decision of going no contact, I tell them that they see and hear exactly what my mother wants them to see and hear. There is a “behind closed doors” element that many people will never see. Then I walk away.
Exactly. Absolutely sickening!
something is wrong with this chick yo. could u sit and talk with her? drugged out...
I don’t tell most people but I occasionally drop that I have a terrible mother. And no one argues with that.
I also have a narcissist mother. I fear that my two siblings are narcissists, too.
P White, you're speaking of my life as well. Wishing you joy, self-forgiveness, peace.
Many of these enablers are narcissistic themselves, and when they defend narcissists, they actually defending a part that's inside them too.
Wow, maybe that is why my sister defends our dead Dad. She doesn't remember or chooses to forget all the monstrous things both our parents did. "Why are you stuck in the past? Why do you keep bringing up the past?This happened 40-50 years ago. Just forgive and move on" is my sister's response.
Yes!! Was thinking this too.
@@brendaplunkett8659Your sister is a narcissist minus and she says the same thing😂
The biggest enablers are usually your closest family members, which is also why we are where we are, and that's also why we attract those types of personalities later in life, and put up with them for long enough to get attached.
Totally agree, but I think they’ve been groomed and manipulated to be on the narcs side, not to excuse them. Ugh I can’t financially get away from my family right now and I’m dealing with a lot of mental health issues too so it’s super hard
Exactly 💯. I found out who the enablers are and have started distancing myself from the narc family I am married too. I find myself alone and healing everyday with knowledge.
I totally get it and me too. It’s painful and re-traumatizing
I am there with you. Started distancing myself from my in-laws narc system. It’s painful but also rewarding
In my experience, the Pollyanna types are hidden narcissists. It took decades to see my ex was sending me back into the lions den with my parents because it took the attention off him. Coverts are the worst!
Yes, lack of empathy there, just saccharine-coated convenient oblivion.
Yes. I've debated this in my head.
My brother enables my husband, it’s sad to watch. I always wondered, could he be a narcissist too, they have been friends since childhood. My brother can’t do the things to his wife that my husband does to me because she’s not financially dependent on him. So, I know this may sound strange but, could my brother be getting his anger and frustration assuaged through watching or hearing about what my husband does to me? And that’s why he encourages it or pretends not to see. Don’t know if this is a thing but I’ve often wondered about it. Stay strong guys.
@@salomeisrael3618YES!!! You brother certainly can be getting his kicks out of helping your husband. Especially if his wife won't tolerate it. Especially if he is somewhat financially dependant on his own wife. Sorry you're going through this. I don't believe it's something that you can end, but you can leave it.
whoa
In 2018 there was a new Domestic Abuse Law in Scotland. This made coercive control illegal. It can carry a jail sentence of 5 years. It came in 8 years too late to be of help to me but it's good to know that now, the legal system has recognised it as domestic abuse.
💯💣💣💣🙏🏽🙏🏽💯💯
It will either never be acted on, or narcissistic women will falsely accuse partners of it.
@@robinantonio8870 Robin, it IS being used effectively in Britain, and, yes, there will be people who'll get falsely accused and there'll also be people who get away with doing it. We don't judge the value of a law by whether or not people abide by it. By that metric, all laws fail because there are always people who will break them. The real value of laws is the cultural effect they have on social attitudes and that is a process that takes time. I can remember when comedians made jokes about beating kids and rape. the days when the social assumption was that both women and children were prone to making false accusations about such things. Social attitudes have changed, we take such things more seriously these days. Why? Because for every false accusation there are hundreds/thousands more cases that are real. I'd say that's a good thing. And It's not just a woman thing, Robin. That's a gross minimization. There are plenty of men under the coercive control of a woman. It's a destructive, antisocial behavior and laws that define it as a form of abuse and deem it socially inappropriate and a punishable offence are worth having.
@@janislonsdaleleader3078 you clearly didn't read what I wrote. I said narcissistic women would falsely accuse men ( and other women) . Any law that doesn't require solid proof of wrong doing and does not severely punish false accuser is a bad law. Yes, I have been accused by the narc abuser more than once and they were automatically believed even th there was evidence I was the victim.
I work as a Forensic Physician in Scotland and received training from the King's Counsel who prosecutes these crimes in Scotland. She explained that they are hard to prosecute, but they trace ex-patners of the abuser by the time the jury have heard the same story about the accused's pattern of abuse several times from different (unrelated) women "the penny drops".
I have been living with this.
I took the harder road by staying
I have had over 12 surgeries 2 major heart attacks and cancer in my Thymus caused by stress.
After watching Dr.Romani I will never let stress take another organ. She has saved my life.
Do you know Louise Hay? Her books are amazing I’ve flipped through “You Can Heal Your Life” and shared it with friends for years :) Gabor Mates lectures are gold too
You are stepping into Empowerment! Yay!
I'm glad you're still here.
Hugs. I also had terrible health problems after an accident & injury caused by the Narc Mom. About a dozen surgeries and disability too. Dr Gabor Mate is a great author on this trauma illness connection. Very healing
I made the dumb decision of telling my sister that I had figured out that our mom is a narcissist. She gaslighted me and said that i was brainwashed from society and that she had also thought for a while that there was something wrong with me, but she didn’t tell me because she was worried about me. And then she said that she had to tell mom what I had said, and I begged her not to do it. The first thing she did was to tell my mom and I had to explain it to my mom, and of course she didn’t listen. Then she told me that I had to get lost, and took my keys. And now they are both writing to me that they are worried about me, and that they think something is wrong with me….. so yeah. I don’t know what kind of enabler my sister is. I am so confused
Don't feel stupid. I trusted my sister even after she threw me under the bus thousands of times for 40 years.
Thankyou for that comment. It’s really nice not to feel alone in this
Your sister is a co abuser. Stay away from these vipers
Sisters are always trying to find favor with their narcissistic mother because they’re still trying to seek validation that they lacked when they were kids. You’re NOT crazy.
Wake up!!!
My ex, (based on the mild narcissism enabler section of the videos) is a mild narcissist, and it still broke me. Do not underestimate them.
My mother in law is one of those toxic positive fools. She martyred herself by looking after her alcoholic nasty mother. She told me she “ doesn’t like that I don’t talk to my mother bc she knows that dealing with an abusive mother is possible if one meditates and does yoga.”
So in other words my mother and my mother in-law are both shaming me for not being good enough. I rarely speak with my mother in law and when I do…its grey rock and yellow rock. I’m so done with these fools.
So she expects you to change your life style, take up stuff you possibly have no interest in so that she can feel better about martyring herself!
Martyrs are the worst
Martyrs who do it to feel they're better than other people are annoying and toxic enough, but those who try to force their behaviour on others are just as abusive as the narcs.
Lolololol, they are hilariously naive…yoga and meditation will help to deal with someone, lol…nothing helps, that’s why u need to just walk away!.
This is such an important video 🙏...."UNHEALED" Enablers, fixers, helpers, saviors, codependents, the parentified, serial-trauma-bonders, people-pleasers etc are often the most delusional, in denial, and extreme gaslighters
Î play over and over “ people don’t get it “ in my mind. Key to sanity. Very lonely existence though.
Very very lonely 😔
But, I’m getting used to being lonely around him & I do enjoy my own company so I think I’m going to be okay ❤
Truth will set us free! Not positive feelings, nor refusing to aknowledge the abuse
Wow. This really hit home. "Other people stood by and watched this happen to you and did nothing." I feel like I will be grieving the loss of relationships that I thought were real for a long time. I kept wondering why no one would speak up for me and I mean people I thought were close friends. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for helping us understand the madness.
As someone who is the youngest child in my family, a couple of my older siblings have always felt that because they were older they were somehow always wiser than me and would often talk down to me. Even to this day, when we are all middle aged and have successful careers, this behavior continues to happen. I only get together with them for the sake of my mother and someday when my mother passes away, I will distance myself from them even more.
I’m like you. Youngest of three men. My parents and older brothers are gone now. I’m enjoying the peacefulness at the age of 70. You can Look forward to this period. 💫⚡️✨😊
Same here. Youngest of 4 girl boy girl boy. In my culture you have to respect your elders so my siblings being older, I always had to put up with there shit. And when it would get to be too much because they would gang up on me, I woukd go to my parents and have them say respect your older siblings. My older siblings had turned me into their gofer and errand boy. I of course resented this very much and had no where and no one to turn to. To this day, they hurt me with impunity. When I tray to defend myself and try to regain some self respect everyone says I’m being to sensitive.
I'm the educated failure in the family. I tried to rise up but had my wings torn off every time I was around them.
Yep. I’m almost 61, and my elder sister (4 years my senior) STILL calls me her “baby sister” whenever I broach subjects she doesn’t want to talk about (dr ramani totally described her in this video!!). As long as the conversations stay within HER prescribed perimeters and meet HER needs, all is good, but if I try to share anything about the pain of the narcissistic abuse I’ve been suffering, she reminds me of my pecking order and pivots to something else. I will have to keep it superficial from now on and avoid trying to be fully transparent with her
@@lambsauce1468 yup that sounds about right. But then those same ppl will be livid and beside themselves with banger at you even slightly hinting at the fact that they had a tremendous influence on you and a totally shaped the kind of person you are today in a very real sense. Essentially they are upset because they can’t bare to take responsibility for their own behavior
I’m distancing myself from an enabler who has been a close friend for a long time. The straw that broke the camels back just happened and she now makes me sick. I’ve lost respect for her and don’t trust her anymore. She’s a self serving enabler just like you described, ugh!
I'm so sorry you had this experience. It's scary how many of these monsters exist.🙄
It's great once we get so turned off; ugh means no turning back 💪🏼🥰🙌🏼
There are the enablers that will side with the narcissist in order to keep themselves safe from further abuse by said narcissist. This was my experience throughout my life until a little over a year ago. The enabler, not knowing what had transpired other than the story the narcissist made up, told me I owed the narcissist an apology, and I absolutely blew a gasket on both of them and then walked away...forever. It took way too long, but better late than never, as they say.
Isn't it intriguing, that so much of the behavior is the SAME. My siblings want ME to apologize for having defended myself against their incredible demeaning, denying it all of course.
This video completely resonates with me. People just make you feel as if you are not able to process this whole thing and move on. There were psychologists who wanted me to just be nice to this narcissist and also made me feel that everything I did was not good enough. People are completely unaware and make it look like I am over reacting.
I know! I'm told that I'm being over sensitive or over reacting. Or someone else tells me that the person is on the spectrum (which feels like the shitty behaviour is being excused rather than explained). Very upsetting and invalidating.
I understand where your coming from. Or the statement , “your over reacting , it can’t be that bad”. I don’t talk to others about this for that exact reason.
When even therapists gaslight you and you have to prove to them that you're being abused. Been there and quit after a few sessions.
@@aynilaa I've given up on therapists after all the negative, not to mention traumatic, experiences I've had with them over the years!
I'm aware that there are healthy ones who've done, or are in the process of doing, their OWN healing work and do research on trauma etc apart from what they learn at university. It takes a lot of time and energy to find and interview them though, which I don't have nowadays.
I want to add that my highly narcissistic sister is a social worker and she's one of the most unempathetic people I've ever known, hence why I believe that ANYONE can become a counsellor etc, as long as they do the work necessary. 🙁
@@cyndigooch1162 I'm too exhausted to find good therapists too. You have to wait for ages and then you're being gaslighted again. My narc sister studies psychology and thinks she's highly empathic.
I've grey rocked my 75 year old mother finally!
She now has focused on my brother.
My husband went to my mom's house to help with a broken toilet. She told him she is worried about me because I'm so unhappy.
Um, no!
What she is experiencing is my boundaries.
I've felt much happier since I learned about grey rocking.
To me, the most painful are those who know you and the narcissist and pick the narcissist.
I also find it strange when the people who want the person being abused to "take personal responsibility" are so willing to give the narcissist a free pass. I'm completely willing to own my part in things (not standing up for myself, seeing imaginary good intentions, making too many excuses for bad behavior), and work on these things to make myself a healthier person and better example for my children, but I'm not willing to take responsibility for their patterns of poor behavior.
I had that happen to me recently over a relationship that was thankfully only about 6 months. It's been easier to move on from the bad relationship than it has been to stop ruminating over my ex friend chastising me for things I didn't do.
😊I have two sisters and a brother plus an adopted cousin. The cousin even though close in age has never felt like a friend. Recent events have led me to believe she’s a narcissist that helped to destroy my marriage, she sided with my exwife who left me and took my three kids. I’ve never been so angry, hurt, offended and insulted in my entire life. My siblings all sided with my cousin who sided with my exwife. And my parents sided with my older siblings. I’m left completely impoverished.
@@abdul8685 I am so sorry for this terrible loss.
@@kathiemihindukulasuriya1538 yes, I am so sorry, too !
It is the most painful. I threw myself under the bus to protect my siblings from my mother. Fought their fights and for their rights. Since distancing myself from my mother I’ve been labelled as mentally unwell and they’ve attacked me for it. Cast out and shamed with a smear campaign. It’s been two years and I still have fear leaving my house because I don’t know what has been said about me and to who. My silence is her power and I am going to have to come out of hiding soon. It’s been 2 years
People shame and guilt the victim for being victimised by an abuser, like it's your fault. They try and gaslight your experience by reframing your reality. They don't get it and don't want to. Finding support and validation has been difficult but not impossible. Thank you Dr ramani for your videos.
Toxic positivity fuels indifference and ignorance. Indifference, ignorance, disregard, carelesness are the worst thing in our society. 99.9 perrcent of people are blinded so they dont understand how important TRUTH is. I like you very much Ramani. Thank you.
It still brings up suppressed anger when I think about the toxic positivity bs I got from therapists I paid to help me. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your clarity on the subject of people who just don’t get it, they are exhausting and I no longer even try to justify my pain to them. I want to stand on a mountain top and shout “please listen to her” (you Dr. Ramani). 😊🌺
So sorry you had duff therapists that didn't get narcissistic abusers and boundaries.
I can relate. Most dont understand it.
I fully agree. I fired several "Clueless Therapists" over a three year period. I googled PTSD one day and a WHOLE NEW UNIVERSE of information and understanding regarding abuse and enablers was revealed to me by individuals like Dr. Ramani. I found out that I was not alone or that the situations/toxic family members/individuals that I went no contact with nearly 9 years ago was not an anomaly. I came to realize that there are millions of people worldwide who I may never know in life that have /are living my life- VERBATIM. Even a lot of the examples/statements/comments made by Dr. Ramani have been made by individuals whom I've gone no contact with. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME AN ACCURATE UNDERSTANDING OF THE SITUATION DR. RAMANI!!!!!!
100% my experience. Talking to someone who has very little experience with my narc and they invalidate me and come up with antidotes that worked for them. They do have those lower grade narcissistic traits and never questioned me to understand my reality. I have dropped those people from my life. Family or not. Members of my recovery group. They don't get to cross my boundaries anymore.
It feels like narcissism is rampant. It was so easy to see them 40 yrs ago. Now I am older and I realized I was only seeing the worst of the worst. Why can't they all just stick their tongues out at us when we look at them so know who they are from the get go? LOL
When you have a ton of siblings in a system where a parent is the narcissist, you see all these different types. It's EXHAUSTING, especially when they also do therapy and realize what's going on but still participate in the enabling.
My stepdad is like that! She gaslights him, accuses him of things he never said than accuses him of having a poor memory (even dementia!) and blames me if I ever try to explain myself. "It's just her clinical depression." He tells me. "You should look up how to talk to someone with clinical depression!" or "there was no reason for that. Absolutely no reason at all." I HAVE REASONS!!!! He also has a heart condition. I'm terrified one of these days her tantrums are going to kill him. I cannot leave. I can't drive. My dad lives in a small apartment and house prices are well above what can be paid. If something happens to him, I don't know what will happen. She won't have him to scapegoat anymore. She most likely will go back to love bombing me...then...
I would have moved out as young as 10 to 12. She drove my dad to drinking and thus he couldn't gain custody of me.
@@wendi-bnkywuv I'm sorry you are going through that. I totally understand. I'm convinced my mother's narcissism and abusive behavior towards my dad contributed to his dementia.
@@patriciasalem3606 Thanks for your feedback! I know that chronic stress contrary to what many people state was commonplace for ancestors, tells me otherwise. Chronic stress can also have a very negative and profound effect the endocannabinoid system which is linked to several areas of the body, including brain health.
Unfortunately due to the chronic abuse I've suffered and am yet to suffer, I am now forced to rely on hemp extract to treat my symptoms and ease my anxiety. I find marijuana to be way more effective as it tends to intensify the auditory and tactile hallucinations that give me the strength to be my authentic self. It also helps me with temporarily releasing the fear conditioning as well...which *would* be great...but since I'm living in a place where it's illegal, I have to rely on what's legal, and it doesn't work anywhere near as well.
Getting out of the house with my dad to go to local pinball and video game arcades has been working well to relive the stress, but again it's temporary. Although temporary is better than not at all. I can still heal to a point!
Both of my parents were self-serving enablers and they had SO many N friends, including a relative whose family met a tragic end. They were SO good at criticizing me for any minor infractions of how they believed people should live, but worshiped at the feet of people and situations that made me want to vomit.
You are an empath who can see them clearly
OMG Dr Ramani - you really have your pulse on exactly what I have been going thru for my entire life. I’m 57 years old. This enabler is my mother ! And the narcissist is my sister. Miserable situation
I used to be naive and trusting in relationships. After seeing that some are shallow, not trustworthy, and/or abusive I have really been selective about my friendships. But I find that being selective means less friends. I do feel quite lonely but I guess it is better than having unsafe friends.
I have more online friends then ones I hang out with.
Very true…..
True. Same here.
You are safer to be friends with Jehovah's Witness. That is how I connect with people on the streets and on the phone. I trusted and became friends with my elderly neighbor in my building but it turned out it has Narcissistic vibe with her therefore I ended it. She betrayed me. I thought being an elderly person I would be safer, gee i was wrong
Wow, this concept of “they cannot go deep” really hit home for me. It’s like a light going on when one realizes this pattern is a tell that
exposes a few individuals in my life that have flown under the radar. Great stuff as usual Dr. R. 🙏🏼😊
Yes, the enabling is so prevalent today. Guard your peace! Consistency is the key. If people can be harmful and gaslighting one day and then overly helpful the next, this is not genuine. Don’t enable them.
The toxic positivity folks don’t realize their impaired mental illness knowledge keeps them living in a cocoon! Until they see actual physical abuse as proof they will stay convinced it’s your fault. As another commenter said: Dr. R your daily messages are like a mentorship as there are so many aspects to this scourge. These are our reminders to be vigilant out there! ❤️🙏🏼
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for all you do for us who have been abused and, in many cases, still are!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! 😊
Yes, we cannot thank you enough !
Yes 🙏 thank you ❤❤…
This is a healthy response to her beautiful work 🙏 I love her healthy mind and I'm so grateful to have found this resource of pure understanding.
Everyone should watch this video, I mean, everyone!
It was the Evangelical Fundamentalist viewpoint/rules/language of "Turn the other cheek" and "Forgive and forget" and "Let go and let God" that kept me in bondage to abuse for over 50 years.
The good Lord never intended for us to be doormats.
I am sorry to hear this. 50 yrs of pain is absolutely terrible.
I understand what you are saying. I was involved with a fundamentalist church for many years and remained married to an abusive man for 43 depressing years. God does not mean for us to accept this kind of treatment. Unfortunately some people can make an idol out of marriage and family, including myself. I worked harder than I should have to "make it work." So much wiser now...
So easy to take individual verses completely out of context... You could equally quote say 'get behind me Satan' to your best friend, 'you vipers, whitewashed on the outside and filthy inside'...
Adultery, Abuse (of any kind) and abandonment - all reasons with Biblical principles backing to leave - many of us have been where you’ve been.
A lot of people just refuse to see it, and even if they do, they don't CARE ENOUGH to do anything 😜 To help you, because unless its them!!! They don't give one big care!!! thank you for this video Dr Ramani!! I never realized I may be self gas lighting myself 😩
I was just thinking this, my family members just don’t care or notice, it makes me feel guilty like I’m in the wrong
The Toxic Positivity is one aspect of the NeoLiberalism that plagues our world today and I'm glad you brought it up, Doctor. There are genuinely people out there who think people CHOOSE to suffer. It's basically victim blaming.
I cannot adequately explain how deeply, profoundly validating your videos have been for me. Thank you so much.
My psychiatrist had a Pollyana’s book on her shelf in the hall, I didn’t notice the red flag 🚩! Now, looking back it does make sense.
Right, these positivity folks are the greatest enablers for narcissistic traits. ☹️
I tend to believe the opposite is true.
Narcissists do not love themselves. They have very little to no self esteem.
Nothing they do or is done for them will ever be enough.
But they also want to take you with them Heaven help you if you are more. successful an happier than them
My mother was enabling my narc ex because he was doing free work around her house, and she wanted that to continue. I shouldn't have been surprised, given how she admitted keeping her husband around after he molested me because she was benefitting financially from him.
Wow. I’m so sorry that happened to you. ❤️
My older sister did that too.
That is just awful!…. I am so sorry this happened to you.😢…..especially a mother doing this to a child…
I once became so enraged in an argument with my ex-husband that I wanted to kill him. I had never felt that way before; I have never felt that way sense. It was a key moment in my journey of understanding what was happening to me.
As a coach Dr Ramini’s channel is like distance mentorship. I love this ❤
Me too
My elder brother is the narc and my mother is the enabler. Exhausting but I am striving through, thank you Dr. Ramani!
Same here!!
Spot on! 👍
My favorite analogy is the cliché about whether the glass is A. Half full; or B. Half empty. Which is used to stigmatize a person as an optimist or a pessimist.
The problem with the question is that the answers are being manipulated in a false dichotomy fallacy. There is no, C. Both, option, or a D. neither, option. The FACT is that BOTH A and B are true, and neither A or B is true unless C. BOTH are true. The clichè itself is a form of gaslighting, because in any situation where someone in authority uses that authority to pressure you into affirming an A. or B. response, you have to deny an aspect of reality and acquiesce to a lie.
Pointing this fallacy out to the person in authority will usually result in them minimizing the problem and dismissing your concern as making mountains out of molehills because it doesn't matter to their goal of assessing you according to their biased paradigm. That is, their paradigm of reality will over-rule your's simply because they have the authority and power to cause you problems if you don't conform.
Yes, I agree this question or statement about the cup is used by Narcissists to gaslight or project their negativity!
Oh boy time to prepare for another eye opening video.
I blame you, DoctorRamani, for all of the crying I did in the last weeks.
I feel really relieved now, thanks for that.
1. Toxic positivity Enablers
2. Mildly Narcissistic People - Immaturity
3. PollyAnna Enablers
4. Self-Serving Enablers (Corporaters)
5.
5. Ignorant Enablers
When someone can’t relate to what I’m talking about, I’m mostly relieved because it means they’ve never experienced it. It does get lonely though.
I can relate
❤
I agree with Kat B. That is a very healthy way to look at it . And yes, it's lonely.
Ever since I have been dealing with narcissists, I have been dealing with enablers. The most common enablers that I encounter is the type that doesn't want to get involved because they don't want to be the target. I had one person talk to me about the situation and all the others stayed away from me. I knew I was the target because I was different than the average person. I didn't know the reason of my differences until rather resent in my life. I have been diagnosed with Autism/Asperger's and ADHD. Due to the actions of the narcissists in my life, I have been diagnosed with PTSD and Depression. I really didn't understand why the enabler were not helping me because if the roles were reversed, I would help the other person. Through out my younger life, I have help other people that were being bulled. Yes, it created a target on me but I was able to deal with that. I was OK with being different during my childhood. Pretty much when I became an adult, being different was a curse and a magnet for narcissists. The enablers blamed me for being different. "Why can't you behave like a normal person." "Don't stick out, and you will not get wacked."
I often think I might have mild autism. I definitely have PTSD.
@@lambsauce1468
If you have PTSD and have the ability to go to a therapist, I truly recommend going to a therapist. I know it will be hard thing to do because you have to tell your story. Everyone that has PTSD has a story that they don't want to tell because telling the story will force them to relive the trauma of the story. Everytime I told my story, I had to take breaks and cry.
Great that you really do help others and not just run and hide. That’s what’s known as being a true friend.❤
@@QQuandarywhy do you being different makes you an autistic. I would say most so called normal people are playing mind games. Being honest highly empathic and standing up to bullies is autistic.?? You are more evolved than rest of the people who is willing to heal from dysfunction. If think high functioning autistic people are more evolved from the rest of the population.
Thanks Dr Ramani. My husband/ narc is a minister. The toxic positively is forever in play. The use of scripture is a tool for gaslighting. The pressure to be the Christian wife, is overwhelming. Meaning, we don’t walk in life with our emotions , but by what scripture has taught us to be. I’m so done with this false life with this narc, having to be this false person in his world.
Please accept the fact that he is not going to change! They never change! Don't put your positive energy on him! Just focus on good people in your life ♥️👍 Be strong 💜
I get it. Very similar dynamic being married to a physician as they carry the God projection. And the spouse is the handmaiden to their insecure egos.
Truth is in the heart. Good luck!
I can’t imagine, what a horrible situation! I hope you are able to free yourself. Please keep in mind that you may even lose your children. It may sound crazy but that’s okay. It’s okay to not live with abuse. And maybe no one understands except for those of us who have been through it. I have one person left from my family. One is enough but realistically I could lose that person too. But I’m free and happy. I’m still suffering some of the repercussions of my narcissistic mother but I think I’m close to getting completely free from the destructive effects. We must heal ourselves even when no one understands our struggles.
@@brigitte9999 Amen, exactly
@@mauraconlon Those who are employed as officers of the law can also act like they are "Godlike". I'm not implying that all law officers are like this but too many are. Psychological testing should weigh heavy in the hiring of these folks and those who make it through should be heavily compensated. I think that would only improve the quality of our police force.
At this point, a year after getting myself out of a relationship and coming to some understanding, I have made it a point to not talk to mutual friends about it. I'm out of the proximity anyway. Amazing final points.... the benefits Pollyannas receive from the narcissist and willingness to betray those being harmed by the narcissist....
@Mama Bush yes I've talked about it outside if that friendship loop. There's something about not wanting to be that person creating the flying monkeys :D Also, it's easy to do and a bit of a mute point since I'm no longer in the area. Dr. Ramani first point about keeping it light with some people was a revelatory strategy as well ... recognizing it will always be what it is.
Yes you have to go no contact from the whole messy scene
@Erika Valerie yes I've gone no contact and two have died, and one minimized contact. I'm currently dealing with someone who seems to be on that spectrum of behaving in toxic way way less often. The situation is temporary so for the moment keeping it superficial and not sharing. .. having an under derstanding, zero expectation and awareness.... eye wide open and armor of boundaries at the ready
Everything you said in this video resonates with me and my personal experience with narcissistic family members. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your continued support, information, encouragement, and honesty. I watch your videos pretty much daily because you get it!!! Not many people do. And that's so frustrating. So, thank you and God bless you! By the way, could you possibly do a video on narcissists who hide behind religion? I have personal experience with family who do this. And it is extremely confusing to me.
Been there, seen that ....there's an aging narc close to 80, still going strong, spouts religious stuff, is part of a huge religious trust, and is probably siphoning off some of the takings to line the pockets of women who fall for this narc's charms. I've been watching all this from a distance...
Religion is a great bulwark for these slimes to hide behind and use willy-nilly to the detriment of the innocents who run towards religion to find solace.
The gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are filled with how Jesus dealt with narcissist of he day. The Pharisee’s and all those scoffers of the Bible, find comfort in knowing Jesus was not an enabler.
@@1notstressed thank you 😊👍🙏
I have finally cut off contact with the ex narcs family who were pretending to be sympathetic but were only using information across to me and back to him. I don't want that I don't want to be a part of that family anymore they are irrelevant now that we are no longer married. They were his enablers but I never saw it until now.
I can't even begin to tell you how helpful you are to me and my family through what we are dealing with! So very thankful for you :)
I feel so bad for you Dr. Ramani, your chronic condition and all and your nasal congestion today. Here you are, with all of us, thank you!!
Liz
I am always pressimistic too, and seem to have problems with people I interact with all the time. After learning from your video, I have just realised I told my problems with those 'enablers' who think I am the problematic ones who point out the narcissists problems. They just deny my bad experiences and observations! In this world, there are only a very small percent of people who can truly judge people's characters fairly and connect with their psyche.
Ooohhh!!! This video!!! Wow! I live in Southern California and the woo-woo stuff is huge. I went to a counseling session and I know the counselor doesn't get it. She does all the positivity things and even waved smoke over me and chanted. I liked the talk therapy part the most, but the chanting and feathers weren't going to make the narc abuse effects go away in one "exorcism" (metaphor) which is what I felt she was conveying. I was told that past lives come up and this could be a curse on me. Now she gets upset because she seems to feel as if that part of the conversation in healing should be over. I feel as if she wants me to do what she does and live my lifestyle like her because she thinks she is more enlightened. I think she lives some kind of fantasy life with smoke, and crystals and calls herself a healer. It's kinda looking weird to me. I believe I went to the wrong counselor.
Well you just made me feel a lot better about the various therapists I've had that didn't get it. I'm Australian so the free therapy is limited to textbook, accredited content and unfortunately they don't recognize narcissist abuse generally.
We can not call ourselves saints but when someone else does it it manifests..you are a saint..💜
I'm 53 and finally...FINALLY...woke up this year. The last big blowout fight with my mother happened on February 14, 2023 (ironically, Valentine's day). I discovered you the following week and spent a month crying (often in a fetal position) over the years I have lost. The time, energy, money, etc spent on a parent who has said to my face that she wished I had never been born. The constant disappointment and hurt is exhausting.
Your videos have been my life jacket for the last 6 months. I have vocabulary words for the severe abuse I endured, both in my dysfunctional home with malignant narcissist mother/enabler father and 20 years in the Doomsday Cult (indoctrinated from age 6). Now, thanks to YOU, I can have a starting point to heal. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
You are a beacon of truth and light in these times. Been dealing with a bunch of narcissists my whole life in this crazy world but it took me going through certain trials and tribulations that I could see that there was more to the world than that kinda person. I was weak at one point and have had some narcissistic tendencies along the way but I’m working on finding my fault and improving where I have made bad calls because of this. I am living and learning and seriously have you to thank for this. Much love and respect Dr Ramani.
The passion in her voice is so striking and kind. It comes from a place of understanding and KNOWING how painful amd dangerous these people can be and almost desperately trying to convey and warn us of the truth. For the love of cheese, please listen to her. Really listen. Dr. Ramani, I love every single one of your videos; you've helped me through and out of bad relationships and my own self doubt. Even my tiny internal Polly Anna that was desperately gaslighting me to "love them harder". I give my time and love to those who deserve it which happens to include myself now. Thank you thank you THANK YOU
Wow. Full on tears with this one….. I was so hood making it all work……and yes they did just say nothing…… spot on.
I said this before...it's about time somebody has the guts to speak up for the people about this. You have addressed a mindset that's killing....it's a monster...and your pissing alot of people off. God hates toxic narcissistic behavior...whether you know it or not..I believe He's in your corner...and your biggest enemy is the devil...and he works through people....please, please, please, don't push yourself into I'll health. Take care of yourself...take a day of rest to, recharge...we need your voice out here. God bless you Rami...
🙏🏽💯🙌
A year and a half after leaving the relationship, now I'm still dealing with the enablers who will never see what I was going through and think my ex was a wonderful person. I do feel isolated sometimes and am cautious how and to whom I will talk about the abuse, because so few get it, and it could get back to my ex and bring more hostility. I always know that I can watch a Dr Ramani video and read the comments and know that I'm not alone. Thank you ALL!
I didn't understand what narcissism was until 2014 even though I'd been living with narcissist abuse my whole life.
Not just you in that position - but because there's been so little info in the public discourse generally about narcissism, for decades - what doc Ramani calls here its "quiet acceptance" -- LOTS of us are with you & have been suffering a really long time with no understanding and no relief
Same. A living hell
I can't believe there's a video on RUclips to explain it all.
Thank you Angel.
I think I should start every day watching this video. I need these reminders. Thank you Dr. Ramani.♥️
YES! Thank you Dr. Ramani! I can't begin to tell you how many times I've tried to express myself to those with toxic positivity and those who "don't like labels". I just end up gaslighted and re-traumatized.
Just had a bad night. Not nightmares but not dreams. The yuks. But the yuks go away when I spend time with my "dr. Ramani" thanks doc💖💖💖💖
Yes. Being “ thrown under the bus” is so not cool. Well spoken. 🙏
Things that happened and things that didn't happen all makes sense to me.
Everytime I listen to you I am remembering need of the scapegoaters back in the office.ty Dr Ramani the work u do is a total blessing yo me..I've been I'll so I'm not going to be around forever.this info is invaluable.
You are awesome and your teachings are so needed, especially now. Love your work. Thanks
I had an enabler who said, "you guys were simply incompatible" rather than "he mistreated you!" when discussing what my narcissist did to me (gaslighting me after cheating/non-consensual polyamory, forcing me to submit to him, not liking my assertiveness, etc).
I find people that ignore your plight is because it doesn't affect them so they downplay your suffering and say "don't you think you are exaggerating the situation"?
These videos are highly needed in today's toxic world.
I suffered a lot in school due to a teacher who showed signs of clinical narcissism.
Other teachers protected me once she expressed her egoistic burst to kill me while gossiping with them. Before this, she employed a lot of tactics by bribing the people sitting next to me with marks to physically and mentally abuse me. She even spread rumors about me between teachers and turned them against me until one day they recognized that she is the defective piece here. I'm glad that they at least had the brain to recognize it, or else I would have suffered at greater intensities further. But i still get flashbacks of everything kinda ptsd. But in a way, she increased my popularity, causing teachers to recognize by sobriety. At the ending days of school during farewell programme, various titles were given as fun and I was given " Miss Sober " title. Teachers thought good about me in the end.
Thank you for this discussion of enablers, and breaking down the different types. It has certainly helped my understanding and clarified my thinking, for one, and no doubt for many others.
Your material is so good Dr. Ramani…it is comforting and “steadying”.
Having a narcissist sibling. I go back and forth thinking my parents should have protected me, but ended up enabling my narcissist sibling. I'm choosing to protect them now that one is dead and one is alive and vulnerable. I still go back and forth. I know my living parent regrets that. I'm still in the process of healing from it.
You’ve a lot of grace and strength within to
a) Attempt healthy boundaries with them (I would’ve gone no contact)
b) Seeing the truth and taking responsibility for your own health and peace
I did go No-Contact with them. Best thing I ever did. It made them realize that what their daughter was doing was abuse and take legal action to protect their assets and not allow her to be P.O.A.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramini for being so validating. It feels like I have a friend who understands and it helps to not feel so alone in a family with a Narcissistic Mother and enabling sisters who dismiss and don't acknowledge the pain and hurt she put me through even as an adult. Another adult sister is a victim too who is still living with Mom and has been diminished over the years to a helpless level of a dog and slave, and everyone pretends it's ok, and quickly will tell me when I point it out, that Mom is "helping" her, etc.
It breaks my heart. They witnessed many times Mom in a controlling way taking food off of T's (Theresa) plate at restaurants and at home while everyone else had plentiful plates and Mom would reduce her plate to maybe 3 or 4 spoonfuls. (T is thin and definitely not overweight. And right in front of our "happy" Christmas chaos of a large family opening Christmas gifts, Mom on several occasions taking gifts out of T's hands and saying "she shouldn't wear tiny silver crosses as earrings because it is disrespectful to wear crosses as jewelry, or taking a CD player my out- of- town brother sent her for Christmas right out of her hands because Mom said 5 years ago she broke the one she (T)had. (She didn't break it, it just stopped working, and that is why our brother sent it. I called it out, and nobody said a word letting Mom do that
And then Mom had the gall to say our brother said if T didn't want it, then she (Mom could have it. T has been reduced to being Mom's 24/7 servant, and everyone let's it blatantly happen.
I pray for T everyday. ❤
Thankyou so much for bringing awareness to ALL about narcissisism. You've helped me understand MY fathers behaviour he diplayed when i was growing up with it. He was also an alcoholic so i just believed THAT was the problem, YET now i realize that's just a symptom OF narcissisism. Thankyou so much for opening MY eyes Dr Ramani x
This is pure truth, I know Pollyanna enablers who are very high level folks - it’s maddening
The enablers around my mother made my life more miserable than my mother herself, because they are the ones who almost literally convinced me I was crazy.
True spirituality does acknowledge toxic behaviours. It welcomes learning about emotional and mental behaviours. But it also recognises that in order to empower your situation you need to take responsibility for your own involvement. What behaviours we have in relationship. Dr Ramani has great tips and hacks for those in their journey. Use discernment always but don't discount the power of your inner voice.
Have you seen the Pollyanna type gets shafted by the narcissist…….lol………they totally go off the deep end! It’s all ok if it’s not happening to them!
Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Can't express how much I needed to hear this. Couldn't really understand those around me who were supportive of narcissistic behaviour in society. I used to always feel like I was the person who was crazy and a bad person for just trying to be me.
Been dealing with a lot of narcissistic triangulation in my life and because of videos like yours have I been able to feel normal and heard
Geez I was a Polly Anna in my own toxic relationship. Now with therapy and a lot of trauma from it I am very careful with myself and other people in how I try to see the good in people. It’s rough.
Yes, they are deeply immature and shallow. Their favorite words ARE "awesome" and "amazing!" Except for their own very important problems, they are entirely uninterested and deeply untrustworthy with knowing anything about yours (if they even listen that long).
Thank you so much for this Dr Ramani, I'm in a narcissistic household right now and your videos are truly helping me!! ❤❤❤
Love the Elie Wiesel quote, so true! No fence riding, the fence belongs to the devil. I am the empathic cynic. No healing can come about without reality.
Small gesture for saving lives. THANK YOU ❤
Thank you for your kind words and generous support, Maria!
I suffered so much abuse..and everyone (almost everyone) either contributed and or stood by and watched. Applauding it. One person. One did not.
Blessings, Dr. Ramani, thank you. ❤️