4 ways narcissists manipulate and punish you
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- Опубликовано: 6 май 2023
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Rage + acting like nothing happened = profound damage to the victim.
Great summary!
Yes! The rage I experienced from my narcissistic parents did serious damage. Abusers teach their children to accept bad behavior and call it love. It's twisted and sick!
Yes, this was so common with my narc parents. They'd blow up and blame me for every fault and shortcoming. Then act like we're a happy family the next day. You are right, it is so damaging.
Yep just happened to me yesterday by my narcissistic brother
@@realhealing7802 same here with my father
If the narcissist “ forgets” their past actions and you have the ability to show the evidence- they will say something like “ who keeps evidence like that , you really need help, you’re holding on to stuff… blah, blah”
Yes it's even better when they actually remove the evidence from your device. Then they even have the audacity to remove recordings you have been pleased with, because they are shit scared you might use them. However I don't have the time, inclination or evilness to do that. It's their problem not yours remember that.
I get “ok you want to hod on to the past, fine. You don’t want to solve anything. You just want to stay in the past”.
@@VanajaschannelThat's exactly what he says!
Or they’ll find and destroy the evidence without your knowledge or consent, and then attack you for having had it in the first place
My personal favorite response I got when presenting evidence was, “yeah, well”
Selective amnesia! They only remember the good they did, but the abuse they conveniently forget. There is no accountability for a narcissistic parent.
That's my father and my mom who is an apologist for him and herself. Any pushback (they're elderly now) brings on the victim martyr in her and rages in him. My mom remembers every perceived slight from me as a child but nothing barely of the abuse I received
Exactly
Very much true
I got blamed for the abuse by the abuser. He took no responsibility/liability. And proceeded to lecture me about "being mature" Yeah, right!
Yup!!! “ I don’t remember anything up to 2 wks ago” monsters
Ohhh they remember 😢Then LIE that they “don’t remember”
Narcissists are like energy vampires... I genuinely believe that cutting these people out of your life will ALWAYS make you happier. Love your messages!
It can be so hard to cut them off
@@norah6899 You just have to be firm in your boundaries and know what you want. (: If the case is that they're dangerous, you need to get help involved.
Yeah they are. I found that out the hard way
They really are energy vampires. I've recently realized that they're predatory, and truly can't be reasoned with on any level.
My mother is dead. I spent 10 caring for her. I Still hear her voice telling me how useless and worthless I am.
Passive aggressiveness is also a form of gaslighting. Since their message is not always clear, because they avoid healthy communication, it usually leaves you wondering what they mean. And later down the road, they can actually say "Well I never said that! ", which is technically true.
100%
Or they’ll insist that they actually said to or told you what they were not very clear about, aggressively accuse, blame and shame you for not paying attention and listening to them, and punish you for responding by stating that they can simply clarify by restating themselves if you didn’t get what they initially meant.
My ex conveniently forgets the triangulation he created, the lies, cheating, physical abuse etc. BUT definitely remembers CLEARLY my reaction to his abuse. Hypocrisy goes hand in hand with gaslighting, manipulation, victimization, lying and abuse. They can do things to you, but how dare you do it to them.
He often yells at me, and gets disrespectful by putting me down and criticizing my parenting, me as a person, and my work ethic. When I point out his yelling, he says he’s not yelling, that’s just his voice. When clearly, before i pointed out his abuse, he was calm and his tone was at a normal level. He just gaslights for anything and everything.
I am constantly asking myself if I'm the problem but then I remember that I'm only trying to keep tabs to defend myself. He clearly has a whole 'nother metric of what it means to show up for us. And then I come out as the lunatic because what he says and what he does don't match. I can't win.
Absolutely. Then your reaction to the abuse is framed as though you're being horrible out of nowhere.
His treatment of me literally triggered my flight or fight response. I fled and he took that personally.
In his eyes, we were on cloud 9. In reality I was literally physically sick from the stress of dealing with him.
He saw my needing space as this great betrayal. He was furious and I was in the dog house for it. He then went on a "punishment rampage"
Being dramatic and trying to hurt me with words.
Im so sorry about what you experienced, I hope one day you can get out. I hope you are okay
@callalilly1988
Like a sculptor chipping away at a piece of art/work
The narcissist will go on to repeat the same behaviour, repeatedly, it will leave you feeling like you are reeling & start to doubt your own reality, when you don't understand exactly what/who you are dealing interacting with
They do have what I used to view as selective memory is just so cruel.
Please get out now if there is any possibility of you doing so, in order to hold on to your overall health
If not please follow DrRamini suggestions as to what to do in order to hold onto your own sense of reality ie "radical acceptance "
Sending you every good wish for you minding yourself either in/ out of your relationship
It took me decades to learn about what was occurring in my own life
The price was out in every sense of the word
Get out while you still can asap. Blessings & fire to your heels girl......
selective & strategic amnesia
I still get triggered by anger and rage. It's terrifying to me
Any normal, healthy person would be shaken to the core by narcissistic rage. It is frightening!
@Mlou Hig I get that. I still get triggered by it though, it's conflict
Nothing to like about it anyway, and then add a layer of a crazy childhood...🫣
My daughters rage is in form of days of smear campaign.
What the hell….”must be nice” phrase is and has been used by a multitude I’ve witnessed. It isn’t a narc only thing.
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it's actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state. To finish the little game they play, they make sure to point out how unhinged and unstable you are and suggest that perhaps you need help or medication. Of course, you will internalize all that shame and guilt and the million other raging emotions they have created and swallow all that essentially allowing them to scapegoat their blame and accountability onto you. Bring on some more cognitive dissonance and gaslighting effects. To condition you to expect less respect, and ultimately put up with more abuse. You will tire of the inevitable circular argument trying to convince the narcissist of the blatantly obvious lie and eventually find yourself challenging them less and less as you subconsciously accept the fact that if you do it will just make your life and emotional state more miserable and you will be denied the satisfaction of any kind of ‘win’ even if it is easy to disprove. This is part of the domination process and makes sure all the power in the relationship ends up with them by the end. To turn your mind to mush as the gaslighting effect takes hold more and more over time. This makes you even easier to control.
Many times while easy to disprove it requires some kind of concession of some obvious truth that the narcissist can just doggedly refuse to agree with or remember (‘the intentional forgetting’ tactic and the ‘feigned confusion or ignorance’ tactics are often employed for this). So, in fact, it is not so easy to prove when the narcissist refuses to correctly remember what happened 10 min ago or accept sound logic or reasoning. You will just turn blue in the face trying. Of course, in some cases it is indisputable. A phone log or something. My experience is when this kind of stuff happens it wasn’t their intention typically, although sometimes it was. But in these scenarios, you will typically get some sort of angry ‘invalidating’ tactic, with some good old ‘manufactured rage’ and ‘intimidation’ tactics to ‘put you on the defensive’ and get you more susceptible to further manipulation. Maybe something like: “Get over yourself already” followed up by some ‘blame-shifting’ tactics with some good old ‘guilt’ and ‘shame’ tactics, like “Why the hell are you spying on my phone records anyway? What kind of relationship is this? I don’t have any privacy? I don’t know if I can do this anymore! You have major jealousy issues! You need help!” You will walk away as the loser either way. There are resistance tactics that can be used but this is a very difficult tactic to deal with and it is one of their favorites. I won’t get into the counter-tactics here though. The only way to really win in a relationship with a narcissist is to leave them and go no contact. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done Metaspyhub@gmail. com,,
Dr. Ramani is so wise. I recall her saying to try not to get actual revenge against a narcisist as it reduces you to their level and will hurt you more in the end than the narcissist. So true.
True. The best thing to do with a narcissist is to avoid them at all costs. Do not feed that troll. It will get law enforcement on their side for sure if you do anything like any correspondence. Avoidance is the best way to eventually see them self destruct and/or get arrested. I know from personal experience on this.
I'm to warn out to even seek revenge. I just want that demon gone, I'll put a continent between up if I could. I plan on moving 3 states away
@@stephanieluvinski4637 I definitely understand that. I want to stop the energy suck, not add to it with revenge. Besides, revenge is ultimately about hurting him, which implies that his emotions matter to me, and that means he still has an emotional hook into me. I'm plenty angry, but that’s my emotion for me to deal with. I can't be bothered to care about his.
These female narc coaches are ALL gorgeous as fuck
You are a NATIONAL TREASURE, Ma'am. You started me on the road to recovery from the 3 narcissts in my neuclear family....priceless...
I think “the rage” is probably what’s damaged me most as a survivor of childhood/adolescence narc abuse from my mother. In my adult life now, I go above and beyond to please people, flee the instant there’s any mild conflict and even struggle to defend myself when legitimately wronged without crying and being unable to speak or doubting whether its somehow my stupid fault.
I’m trying my best to heal but oh boy is it hard to re-wire these responses.
Thank you for another informative video Dr Ramani x
So very true. If my husband has tv on and there's any chaos on that show, I scurry off to my room. I refuse to be around chaos and drama. It's like a trigger. My narc mom cussed and yelled during my whole childhood and every word out of her mouth was an order. She didn't care WHO you were, she would order you around.
@@daynapeterson9033 I hope your situation is better now. Narc mothers have a lot to answer for :( all the best x
❤❤❤❤
Hugs to you!!!
❤❤❤❤
Every time I hear someone stomp their feet or a knock on the door, I jump. All thanks to the trauma I’ve been through.
A narcissist in my life uses this guilt tripping to get exactly what she wants and much. She will do some little something then expects you to repay her10 times over.
My response to the “must be nice “ is always the same “yeah it’s nice”.
They can’t tolerate any teeny tiny mention of critic. It immediately becomes strong criticism in their minds. Immediately. There’s no turning back in their minds either. Once that switch clicks it’s full throttle. No matter what you say or how you say it, they will not “hear” it the way you speak it. There’s no turning back for them. It’s best to exit.
That criticism switch has them acting like they just got physically attacked by a mortal enemy. Ridiculous to see.
Oh yes!!!
NM is in her90s now and still can go full throttle. The whole package. Sad now cause dementia is setting in but the narc continues. Dr. R. Please address narc parents who now need care and in spite of increasing dementia gas light, passive aggressive, triangulate the three daughters. She has torn our family apart
I believe that since they have so little empathy and must get their way it doesn't matter to them what they do to you as long as they get their way. So they don't really see or care about the pain they caused you because they achieved their goal. Then they are able to quickly forget what and how they crushed you because they really only care about getting their way.
My narc non-mom gaslights me by saying “I don’t remember” and “you need to get over the past”. Who abuses innocent children and doesn’t apologize? Narcissists. What a blessing to have been raised by loveless narcs
Mine always said very dramatically, "I don't know what you're talking about." As if she were on Dynasty or something. It was like living with a drug addict, so much denial.
I have said this before... I got tired of hearing how life has screwed them over,
how they were treated unfairly, how I have friends, how I have all the good luck,
how their family doesn't talk to them, why is that? It's something they won't learn.
So one day I heard a friend say: Pack my bags... I'm going on a guilt trip. Yep...
They live in the past and replay victimhood while upping the ante every time. This way they create the venom stream inside themselves and wait for the first slight narc injury to unleash it all on you like a freakin tsunami.
I got sick and tired of hearing the same things it pricked my ears up and started to notice it was hate and contempt
Good one!!! Thanks I’ll use that!!
Ugh... I’m a victim of long term emotional abuse at the hands of a covert narcissist, and I’m full of rage. He was too, and would throw toddler level tantrums, but he knew how to goad me into nearly blind rage as well. He loved to do that, and then he’d act all calm like I was the crazy one. I can control my emotions now that I’m not being tormented 24/7, but it’s still there under the surface. The difference is that I don’t abuse people or take my own b.s. out on them.
I don't think a Narc's rage is uncontrollable, Too many times I have seen them walk into another room all happy and manipulative again as though they never went into a rage.
I also found in healing from abuse inflicted by a covert malignant narc, I went through phases of rage at what they had done.
They can control it. They lie and say they can't notice how they never fly into a rage in front of others or they never hurt you in front of other people. They can control it and that's why other people that aren't victims think they're so sweet
@@SaviorNightmare Exactly!
@@SaviorNightmare they’ll be their REAL selves behind closed doors
It’s called being 2 faced
Cough younger sibling cough
Been around narcs that diffinitly know how to use and control their rage.
People that met him would tell me how lucky I was to be in a relationship with him
Id roll my eyes and he'd have the biggest smile smh
I never get tired listen to Dr Ramani, she's like talking to me directly. She makes sense of everything she said. I'm greatful, i get my free therapy in this channel. Thanks Dr Ramani. God bless you and your family.
Free therapy. Good one.
Go NO CONTACT and stay there. They didn't love you first time round, what do you think changed since then??? NOTHING APART FROM THEY GOT BORED WITH THEIR LATEST SUPPLY!!!
Oh my gosh. Their face *does* change when the switch suddenly flips. It *is* pure rage. I’m 9 years out of my narc relationship, but he did lasting damage to me.
Took me 15 long wasted years to just simply learn to WALK AWAY and stand in my power.
These type of people NEVER EVER change and it’s destined they’ll hurt you again it’s like their mission to disrespect us.
No love lost
I wouldn’t change it for the world it was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life 🌻
Thank you lord for all the opportunities and happiness you have brought into my life for listening to my heart and intuition
Consider that some direct family members (parents, siblings) will abuse you far worse than a spouse ever could. What kind of person does this to you? A sick person you cannot fix. Don't wake up physically dead one day, get out now.
Growing up in a family with two narcissistic parents and two siblings who were being groomed to be like them, I could not grasp the lack of accountability these so-called adults regularly demonstrated. And I married someone who was the same as them. It was so incredible, literally, to come to better understand the dynamics affecting my life. I have suffered all of these manipulations and abuses on countless occasions, but now, thanks to studying the content of this and other channels, and the work of many others, when I encounter someone who does these things, I recognize what is happening, and I walk away as soon as I can. (Edited for typo)
Perfectly said! 👏🏻👍🙌
I feel your pain of having narcissistic parents and siblings. It’s so hard at the beginning to accept it/grasp it. But once it all sinks in. It becomes so clear that it’s ok to walk away. Something I struggled with forever up until now. I can walk away. And be left with no one. I was strong enough to endure the abuse, so I know damn sure now that I’m strong enough to leave and deal with all the uncomfortable emotions after no contact. Thank you for your comment. It really helped me. Cheers to healing. ✨
@@Startanewjenesis I'm glad my comment was helpful. It is pretty ironic --I used to believe I could not survive without my family near, but the truth was that I could never thrive around them. That's trauma bonding for you. All the best to you in your healing.
Good for you! Same here. Education is key.
Do you know of how to walk away from my husband ? Without feeling the same guilt but I felt when I left my parents
Sometimes the rage is manufactured as an intimidation tactic to avoid real conversion or to shut a person down who wants to address behavioral issues. They also bait the abused into a reactive abuse so they look like the victim.
Yes
My mom to T.
The passive aggressiveness is something I picked up from my narcissistic parents and I have to catch myself a lot. The 'well like I haven't already been working hard enough today ! FINE I'll empty the dishwasher!' one is not from me or towards anyone. It's left from them and I'm ashamed that I continued the pattern towards loved ones. Definitely working on it
I do the same thing and I hate that
The fact you are able to recognise this and want to change the behaviour is a huge plus for you and keep going - we all have much to learn and practise so you're not alone. Good on you for being open and honest with yourself and others
I knew one passive aggressive guy. Some reason I asked the therapist what can I do about the toilet paper roll is backwards? It's a conflict in our relationship. She said that's all? I said yes. She said since he's the PA guy, leave it how he likes it. I still think it's funny that way but some things are not important.
You are so articulate. An unexpected find due to a random google search and a desperate need for clarification. I binged watched you today. I would absolutely reinforce your suggestion that confrontation can have a very negative impact. Get comfortable with being misunderstood… and stay focused on the truth. Narcissists have a self serving agenda; without discomfort of thought nor the burden of responsibility.
They can be the devil in the details.
Thank you for supporting my channel!
The eyes go dark the face goes red and those eyes have zero recognition of who you are even as they are hurting you when you get hurt the smile as if they gain satisfaction from it. No regret
00:25 Difference between anger and rage
06:05 Passive Aggression
24:19 Narcissistic Amnesia
41:12 Smear Campaign
Thank you for tracklisting 😃
MVP
Thank you Thogi. 👍✌🍀🌼
Thank you.
narcissistic amnesia is another form of gaslighting. If they don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. So hard to argue against, especially when it comes from a parent.
*16:00* The bit about the parent saying, "I've done so much for you", that hit hard. I can't tell you how many times I heard this growing up, and I still sometimes hear it, although not as often since I've moved out years ago. I would try to defend myself with words after verbal and emotional abuse and she'd turn around and punish me for being "disrespectful", that she's the parent and I'm the child, and "after all we've done for you...!" .
You are incredible Dr Ramani, thank you for helping so many people.
There has been a breakthrough in my situation here. My niece owns the home I live in, and I am dependent on her. My niece's narcissist boyfriend has always had a bizarre way of tempting me to say something with little drops of weird comments, that I finally learned not to respond to unless I couldn't help it. "I'm leaving for work, you can beat her now." "I won't stand for saltless butter in this house!" (My butter, not his house) or just walking by and making weird gestures or faces. Many different childish things. If I fell for it, he basically ran to her with a "Mommy! Mommy! She's being mean to me!" routine with which he used to steamroll her as he gaslit me. He successfully got her to threaten me with eviction by June 1st. But - he really is a child in his late 50s. In the state I live in, most states really, there is no way to evict someone who is a family member who is not a tenant. Eviction aside, there is no legal way to kick out an elder dependent (age of elder different in different states), period. That's negligence, and abandonment. I'm of sound mind and she does not have guardianship. He pulled one too many "Mommy Mommies" this week, and I was able to get evidence on tape. I already have documents as to his behavior in the past. So the legal work begins. I qualify for legal aid. He does not. Wish me luck.
Good luck!
The smear campaign is the worst and it lasts forever and ever. I had 18 years of narcissistic abuse with an abusive husband and then, after the nasty divorce, 30 years of the smear campaign against me with my own 4 children with him.
It is devastating because the children were trying to get his love up through their adulthood, please him and go along with the lies he was making up. He was good at getting lots of enablers and even now after he is dead and gone. One of the kids, Daddy’s girl, has carried out his legacy and has continued the spear campaign for him even now that he is dead. He ruined my relationships with my adult children and my future relationships with my grandchildren. This is what evil is.
I had a step-father who was a horrible man, but among other things he used to lie a lot and very convincingly (even to other adults). For example, one day he told my mother and other relatives that when I was outside playing he looked out the window and saw me hurting a little girl I was playing with - he said I tried to choke her. That simply wasn't true: I am not and never have been a violent person. But my mother and other people believe him and chastised me. He spread that lie and other lies, for years, in the entire family. TO THIS DAY, I am afraid that someone might spread lies about me and harm my reputation and other people would believe them. And I don't know how to get rid of this awful feeling...
It’s amazing the way we all crave your knowledge. This video was done one hour ago and you have over 2000 hits you’re doing a great job I’ll tell you that. I am seeing things a lot clearer than what I have in my life as far as not just with relationships, but within myself as well, and how I respond.
@Pam, I was thinking the same thing. It goes to show not only Dr. Ramani's ability to so concisely put into words the dynamics that can seem impossible to get your head around, but how many people out there are suffering through the same thing. We're all learning together with the help of the internet. Hopefully one day, the majority of the world wide population will have a good grasp of these problems and side step it quickly, or if they're the one doing it, stop the mind games!
I had a friend who dominated me with manipulation and opinions about my life for over 20 years, when once I criticized her about something casual, she freaked out.
…oh Dr. Ramani there are so many great doctors enlightening society about narcissim, but your deliverance is stunning and articulate.
It seems incredibly unfair that they can allow themselves to forget their indiscretions and offenses when so many of us live in a constant state of guilt over the slightest errors we've made in the past
The best is when the people who believe their lies, don’t even ask you what happened. Just write you off like you’re garbage. Their turn is coming, that’s all I know for sure.
They could literally pass a lie detector test, cause their lies are their reality! It is so incredibly frustrating.
I am very proud of myself as I was able to briefly be around some narcissistic family members last night. I was calm and confident in myself, and answered their questions simply without engaging in anything or over sharing so as to protect my wins in life and my mental health. It felt good and healthy for me. Makes me sad they can never give compliments or praise for my hard work, and that they weren’t there for me during hard times, despite me always being there for them. It’s disheartening but learning to protect and validate myself. Grateful for all I’ve learnt here. Thank you ❤
That sounds like graduation day! 😀CONGRATULATIONS!!!👏👏👏
Sounds like my life.
Yup, never the compliments always the put downs.... they're jealous people
So proud of you. Keep it up. It’s sad for their part but they missed so much in having good relationships in life. BUT, they think they are never wrong because they have such an ego. I’m practicing the DEEP techniques. Don’t defend, engage, explain, or personalize.
Congratulations. I had a victory recently. It felt so good. Actually looking forward to the next test.
Parent's "amnesia" is sick and cruel when it prevents you from knowing yourself or processing things. But when EVERYONE ELSE KNOWS IT TOO, and they won't tell you either--is beyond cruel. Especially when they tell everyone you had a "brain injury", and you never did. They all shared the lie, and followed the Money/Narc.
A sibling following in our mother's narc footsteps did the same after Mom died: he said Early Dementia and being delusional runs in our female family members after menopause, and as soon as I turned 50 years old, the false narrative began! Everyone was told of this behind my back so the narcs could gain sympathy. I learned about this 13 years later. I never had this, and you had NO brain injury. They just need an excuse for bad behavior. I was denied my rightful inheritance when mom died because my sibling said I was unable to manage my money, so he took the money for himself . I learned about this 2 years ago. Yes, it is follow the money
Yes I tried with my elderly mom to piece together my memories and myself! She showed contempt and disdain!
Agreed N rage is terrifying, smear campaigns, re-write history. I've never experienced rage of that intensity.
The history re write is the one that annoys me. They are either a hero or victim and completely miss out the bad things they say/do. I noticed that with my narc friends
I experienced the rage on the second date - I ignored this red flag 🚩 and married him - biggest mistake - don’t ignore this
My work place got so bad. I recently used passive aggression. I'm on vacation and go back tomorrow. Wish me luck.
“Must be nice” every time someone enjoys anything! Even if my daughters and I stopped and got fries!
5 days to freedom! ❤❤❤❤
There was this guy I used to work with that would say “Are we having fun yet” at the worst times on the worst days. lol. One of my co workers at the same place was always saying “Must be nice” also but we all thought it wasn’t this kind of bad. It was more like we all have it rough and are serving people that have privilege and ridiculous expectations of our abilities. Glad I’m not working in that line of work anymore. It really is nice now and I’m having fun! 😉👍💛
Whenever we have argued, we’ll discuss things, I think it’s better. Then he’ll clean out the garage and accidentally throw out our Christmas tree. So many times like that it’s hard to count, right now I go along to get along, protecting myself, and my stuff.
Please remember you deserve to be happy, and I only say that bcuz my mom used to say that all the time “Go along to get along.” with her narc sisters and partner-I believe it made her sick. You are worthy of happiness whatever that looks like for you ❤❤❤
It is downright abuse and they just get to say, "what?"
I have asked my husband to please sort the laundry a certain way
(decide who's pile it belongs in and stack them while folding, SORTING!) because it makes it easier for me to put the clothes away. I'm met with the opposite and getting called a baby because I don't like it. Can you just sort and fold the clothes so it's easier?! I'm literally telling you how to make this easier for me and I'm constantly met with resistance and being told im too controlling. I feel like he hates me. I just want things to be easier. Like what maniacal asshole folds clothes and doesn't sort them into everyone's piles at the same time? And this is compiling the fact that this is supposed to be your person you're supposed to live side by side with while he's constantly cutting you down, situation after situation but then acts like he doesn't know what's wrong at Thanksgiving dinner when you have an over reaction. This shit is nasty.
I just cut off another narc. My family and in laws seem to be full of them. With them around, every day is a constant defensive battle trying to prevent them from passive-aggressively manipulating you into doing what they want you to do, and that you don't want to do. At least this time around, I was very familiar with the signs and tactics, so I went straight to cutting them off. They, of course, blew into narcissistic rage and then began the slander campaign. I never introduced this one to anyone important in my life, so he can slander away all he wants. He's doing me a favor by removing the flying monkeys.
I listen to you most days every day! I have lived this for 40 years and only now I have decided to seek help. This is beyond difficult but I can do this!!!!!!!🙏🏼
You are so insightful Dr R. I listen to your videos, nodding and agreeing with everything you say. Incredible. And yes, dealing with the dishwasher is definitely much easier!!
Dr. Ramani , I have never experience that rage and hate before marriing my narc. There were nobody that could show me that it was a personality seriously ill. At that time nobody spoke of this default of personality. Not even psychaestrist nor psychologist. I think this came upon with Dr. Otto Kernberg and you. Now we , victims , know
Thank you so much , Dr. Ramani.
("...now we , SURVIVORS , know." (?)
Yes, good point! Back in the 80's 90's well-meaning people would often unwittingly assist narcissists behavior, as it just wasn't known that such an extensive personality disorder even existing! Ye. And well-meaning people often said ..."maybe it's not all that bad!" ..."are you sure they said that?" ..."it will be alright!" ...etc, etc! Ye, validation of actual experience is so very important! Good luck.
Thank you I experience this with my husband and did with my
mother. Husband does not hit me. The rage comes so fast over nothing. He yells f you and calls me stupid yelling. He is hard to drive with do to his constant cursing - this at lights, at nothing really.
When narcissistic parents have a child with hyperreactivity/sensory issues, or any condition where the child is prone to meltdowns, that kid learns real quick that violence is ok and that's how you solve problems. The lie: it'll make you feel better.
This was my situation; both parents, daily violence and browbeating. By 2, any dysregulation on my part resulted in hyperreactive violence (towards my sister, or just being destructive.)
I'm 52. It took me this long to realize that I was not the one who was the monster, and that I'd been defending my parents for too long.
I actually left my house a few times bec. I felt if I stayed I would be harmed. That's actually how the relationship finally ended when he punched in my stomach and then went and sat down at the kitchen table. I still can't believe he did that and it's been almost a year.
My final "straw" was 2 punches to the back of my head after he started raging at me, pushed me om the bed twice, then shoved me when I finally was able to get off the bed, I landed on the floor and that's when he punched me twice. He claims it was in defense of a crazy bitch flying off the bed at him... over 33 yrs of narc abuse...25th of July was first time of actually hitting me...but of course, he is believing it is all going to go back to normal soon..."can I get you something from the store? Chocolate, candy??" Not that I want one but no apologies, just more of his bs...I'm now truly done this time! This happened 5 days after my bday...4 hrs after posting "our dinner date with my beautiful wife for her birthday!" His rage begun because I said, "after this last word, I'm not saying another thing...no matter what you say to me." Started yelling, came around to my side of the bed..."YOU WILL NOT FUCKING IGNORE ME BITCH!" Threw my cell across the room, hitting me with the charger cord in the face (I'll admit, that probably wasn't intentional but terrified me...Anyway, I understand what you're saying and where you're coming from. Been with him my entire adult life (I was 17, he was 18. I just turned 52 and he turned 53 yesterday)... he used to say, "well, I didn't black out your eyes, right?!" I had never seen him get that bad before. He's only gotten worse with age. Used to be time between "the other show dropping." Passed yr or so, less and less time went by between the rages. Last 6-8 months...everyday.
O my goodness!! My husband does not remember many of the most terrible things he did! So Narcissistic amnesia is a real thing. It is really gaslighting. It is so convenient for the narcissist to just shut the communication up. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani!! I appreciate the knowledge and validation you so generously share!
This brings back memories. My mother had amnesia about everything then told everyone I was on intravenous drugs. She told people that she saw track marks all over my arms. She told everyone that I was hallucinating and people actually believed it.
My mom told me she suspected (btw this never ever happened) that my father had sexually abused me because I didn't like being near him. That's because he was a rager! Aggressive man who could be gift giving one minute and carrying on like a maniac the next. Yet even though she thought what she thought which is utter nonsense, she didn't leave ask questions, nothing! She didn't even protect me from their friends kids who badly bullied me. I just don't get where their heads are at.
I have a mother like that also. I’m 60 and just started to understand this a couple years ago when I found this channel. It’s been a confusing life for me. Grateful I had a normal father or I’d be more screwed up than I am🤣 hang in there. You’re not alone.
My mother ,I never tried a drug in my entire life
My father was one to rage out about the smallest thing. I guess I got desensitized to it, because it doesn't scare me anymore. Now, I just feel disgusted toward him. My love ran away from the fear. He can't hurt me if I just don't care what he thinks.
My Narcissistic mother is holding a grunge for everyone (including me) who dared in her whole life to say NO, or didn't "respect" her. Her Narcissistic amnesia is her weapon of disrespect and revenge. Many times as she performs her amnesia I have realized that it is a sadistic weapon of hers and she knows it.
Dr. Ramani is so accurate in describing narcissistic behavior that it’s scary. 😳 My mother has done everything she’s mentioned in this video. It almost like she knows her personally.
When I tried to talk about an abusive episode, I got 'oh that was so long ago, so much has happened since then' was told that I was 'harking back and raking over, and that life was too short and I should move on'. This did make me feel a little bit like, is she right? However I knew that even though time (months) had moved on since the shocking episode, it had changed the relationship irrevocably for me. I told her that yes, we clearly have to move on, but that things would be different from my point of view. Still not resolved: she carries on as if nothing was ever said. I go along with her facade and keep up my firewall. But I will never trust her or be vulnerable with her again. Through your videos I have learned how to set firm boundaries and have the confidence to enforce them. Chose not to cut off due to wider family considerations. Beforehand I didn't even know what a relationship boundary was. Thank you Dr Ramani for your reassurance.
He remembered buying me a car that I paid for, but they never remember the nice things you do for them.
Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!❤👍❤❤❤❤❤❤
Hearing you speak on Narcissistic Amnesia was SO VALIDATING for me!! This was a HUGE component in my relationship with my covert/neglectful narcissist ex (10 years together age 20-30). I cannot thank you enough for this validation
My mom is the only person who gives me so much anxiety that I can’t breath and I shake all over …. Any confrontation with her is so draining for me that I feel like I have no energy to get through the rest of the day. Narcissists are truly energy vampires like Self Care & Health! Just said …
Mine too! Had to go No Contact in February. Unfortunately, I’m older and I think as she ages too she gets worse.
I wished I’d known this stuff along time ago.
@@norahoelscher522 after a year of no contact with my mom she messaged me that she got into an accident, she was luckily just fine, thank God. We only lasted 4 days of contact…. We got into an argument because of one question I asked her. She’s just always in victim mode and it’s so frustrating because she thinks everyone’s attacking her or purposefully doing things to her … I want her in my mom in my life but not the drama she brings so I’ve learned to cope with not having her at all in my life … it’s just better for me and my family.
@@nw0913 yes, I totally understand where you are coming from. It’s the same way with my mom, except she makes my anxiety horrible and then doesn’t understand why I’m not in a good mood. Sometimes she will call 15 times a day! I just fill some sort of void for her. I don’t think she can sit still or quiet. I tried not to answer the phone but she will keep calling. Then she will ask me where I was and what I was doing! I can’t take it.
I too would like her in my life a little bit, but it just can’t be that way unfortunately!
I feel like I've lost my sense of self after being gas lit to all hell the last 3 years. Does anyone know how to start regaining their old self after narc abuse? Have a great Sunday everyone! ☕☕
Same question ⁉️
Dr. Ramani has a healing program. Richard Grannon, Melanie Tonia Evans, Dr. Les Carter, Shannon Thomas, Kris Godinez... There are many unfortunately! Blessings💞💞💞
I feel lost too. Exhausted by all of it, and still in a terrible situation. But your comment jumped out...And you've begun your journey already. Awareness is on the rise, and so are support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Depending on your area, there might be numerous connections to other groups, not completely centered on narcissistic abuse, but on your specific interests. It's just doing things you enjoy in the company of others who get it. We probably won't get our old selves back, but rather, grow into someone more beautiful, if we make the choice and commitment. Kind wishes.
Try to go back to places you liked, activitis you liked before you met the narc, and pick up the peices of the puzzle that was you. Give it time. It takes years to heal
Treat yourself with respect and love. You are a survivor😊
@@erinward2983 Thank you Erin
Yes I agree that the rage is frightening and so quick!
My ex-husband would give me the silent treatment for a couple of days then when I asked him what was wrong he would say you really don’t want to hear this then proceed with a rageful tirade most often over totally delusional or untrue scenarios that he made up or something he didn’t like from months or even years before. I came to expect this every couple of months but the next day he would say “Sorry I was a little harsh with you last night” like all the insults were supposed to just vanish from my memory.
I tried to speak to someone about being confused with his hot n cold behavior is making me lose confidence. He called me raging at me and shaming me. I was shaking after the call . I thought he was avoidant, but isn't rage narcissistic
Please don't waste your time on these evil soulless sub humans
...run for your life ...now I'm free and happy ..completely narc free
Listen people, this lady is the best there is. She has literally changed my life at 47 years old. And I’m considered a highly intelligent person, she schooled the shit out of me. She is absolutely masterful at explaining every aspect. She has had my jaw on the ground many times….Eyes wide open saying oh my fucking god….crying so hard at times I thought I was going to stroke out. I’ll bet money shes top 3 in the world.
The rage can be shown by a sudden shift to exhibiting extreme contempt and misogyny when called out. Yes it is very ugly.
I've been in the process of removing all toxic narc people in my life...and they all have different qualities so it's hard to tell. I sometimes doubt myself and think I've become too sensitive/start blaming myself. It's also become a more lonely time in my life. I didn't realize how many toxic people I knew. Of course, many of these were exes that wanted to stay friends or "party" friends which covered the signs because we were having fun. But now, I've thrown my hands up. For instance, an ex has texted me a lot and finds some way to start an argument. When I say, "I notice what you are doing," they flip out and say "I'm done with you! You're pathetic!" A month later they start texting again. Another old "friend" who I've known since we were kids, invited me to hang out at a house that I didn't know anyone. She said she was coming but never showed up. The people were creepy and somehow I ended up being drugged. I thought she would apologize for not being there, but instead she said "it's your fault. You shouldn't take drinks from someone you don't know. It's not a good look for me with those friends." I feel drained from so many of these people...literally exhausted physically because I'm trying not to ruminate.
So true, the emotional abuse has been the hardest to overcome 🙏🙏
As a child, my partner was physically abused by his mother. As an adult, he tried to confront her about it. She played the victim and denied it, accusing him of trying to demonise her, when she had such a lot of stress with him, when he was a child.
Dr.Ramani the ultimate punishment i face is the withholding of my grandchildren the threats of the price I'll pay if i dont do as my adult daughter wants especially giving money. Please touch more on this ...
A couple of months back I asked the question about the differences or commonalities between memory loss in Narcissism and Dementia. Listening to this video I understand that it is different. It sucks to know then that my mother went from being narcissistic and then into Dimentia. I guess I was trying to see if maybe she just had early signs of Dimentia. I could be more compassionate to that. But to know she was Narcissistic and then went into Dimentia, I cant say I have good memories of my mother. She was a grump, a forgetful gaslighting grump.
I’m still shocked I am not evil, as I swore to not become them. Although I have had awful relationships. I did lose my mind, until I learned about gaslighting. Now I understand more and also am excited I can change my behaviors. I thought people just knew things, I had never been allowed to learn anything. They blocked me from ever getting to do anything and if I did do well my Mom would tell me she could still do it better.
No matter how long its takes every long rope has an end and what goes around comes a round
Had a sociopathic narcissist boyfriend who raged all the time over literally nothing.
I listen to you when I am being terrorised by my narcissistic ex. She is the mother to my child and is, 5 years later, still making my life a misery. Thanks for giving me some sanity back ❤
I'm so sorry you're still going through this. I'm in the middle of a divorce with mine and I am just praying I get some relief after this is all over. Trying for primary custody to protect my kids from any further abuse. It's been hell. But I'm thankful for people like Dr. Ramani like you said... to her us keep a bit of our sanity and understand what's happening.
@@Bike4Life231 I'm sorry you are too - much love, and good luck ❤️
Me too brother
I listen to lots of these and they are so true. The traits she explains are my ex down to a T. This woman is amazing at her work.
For me she is the Top 1 about these abuses, 47 years between these disorders and I have not found anyone so accurate in describing them.
Even an unemployed narcissist will nag their partners about the most frivolous things: every speck of dust on the floor, every time they had to fold a load of laundry, every dish and spoon that wasn't put in that dishwasher before the partner left for work. They are so lucky to have a partner that can maintain a good and clean home full of modern appliances that make these tasks virtually effortless, and yet they will sulk on the coach when the partner comes in from work--and the guilt tripping and passive aggression commences.
Narcissistic amnesia is a form of gaslighting. - Very true statement. My ex narcissist discarded me at such a difficult time in my life, and is sure to minimize, dodge accountability, and find some way to blame me. These people are to be avoided.
@DrRamani .. once I found you … you won’t believe .. I binged watch your series as Netflix series.. every podcast made so much clarity to understand the situation I was going through… thank you thank you .. God bless you
Now my narcissistic mom has real dementia on top of the narcissistic amnesia! Not fun!
I’m absolutely sick of the narcs in my life.
If you ever want to see how not-forgetful the narcissist actually is, start describing the abuse to them while they deny memory of it. Then start exaggerating, embellishing, and adding things to it they didn’t actually do. The memory recovery in order to correct you will be remarkable.
It's been almost a year ago that I was a victim of a narcissistic smear campaign in the workplace. Yes I went through the flying monkey thing when I relocated to another facility. I felt like I didn't have any friends and could trust no one. It even involved one of my doctors! Horrible experience
This video helped me So much to see both the other & myself. Thanks!
When the ex narc used to rage at me or show his anger in a menacing way that objects were thrown at me to injury me I find now that I can't cope with loud noises or people raising their voices. Rage is so damaging.
Someone does something meanspirited, intentionally harmful to someone today gets some feedback they play a wildcard from some past injury or experience or some issue that may have nothing to do with you. They hijack the energy and empathy so it's on them. You have to feel sorry for them when they are the one hurting and mistreating you.
Thank you so much for your mention of the smear campaigns and I can speak from experience they hurt so much on so many levels. 😿
This was very intense for me that I had to stop watching half way through the video .
Rage was a big part of my ex. She could flip from being happy to absolutely raging in an instant. I remember she threatened to kill me once on holiday out of the blue, because she had a tooth abcess. One minute we were talking, the next she just exploded.
Had another instance where she just stopped talking to me while we were at friends' for dinner. No reason, she was suddenly just in a rage. In the end it got so embarrassing and humiliating that I went to leave, she chased after me and ended up screaming and pushing me around in the street, then 3 days of silence and sleeping in the spare room. I thought the marriage was over, then she came home in floods of tears from work and said she was so sorry. She couldn't think of a reason to justify it at all, there had been no reason for it, she had just been in a rage.
Got punched in the face for stopping her from getting involved in a fight between a group of men that had nothing to do with us, too. She waited til we got home and as I was hugging her in the hallway, she pushed me against the wall and punched me in the mouth.
It wasn't even like walking on eggshells was enough, I didn't have to do anything to set her off.
There was also an event, I think it's called reactive abuse? She went all-out to try to get me to lash out at her once (more than once, but this was one of the worst), screaming in my face and pushing and hitting me, not letting me leave the room. When she didn't get what she wanted, I finally got away from her and waited 15-20 minutes until I thought she might have calmed down. I went to try to smooth things over but couldn't find her.... then I heard a noise from the bathroom. I found her curled in a ball on the bathroom floor, whimpering. When I asked what had happened she started flailing her arms and screaming. She was actually trying to convince me that I had beaten her up and then forgotten about it! There was no-one there to witness this act, it was all to try and convince me that I'd done something I knew I hadn't. I felt like I was going mad! God, when I write this stuff down it really brings it back how bad things were.
That's awful. You did not set her off, hon, she just blamed you because she went off. I hope you are safe from her now. People so often do not understand the terror of living with a narcissist, especially if the narcissist is a she instead of a he. But all narcissists are terrorists; they are all dangerous, and it is very stressful and harmful to be around them.
@@rubberbiscuit99 Thanks :) Oh yes, she eventually got bored with me and discarded me, once she'd secured a replacement. I think that guy now suffers similar treatment from what I've heard. I've struggled to piece it all together for years now, though. It's strange, because I have a lot of happy memories with her, but also have some of the most insane, worst moments of my life, I never knew what one I was getting from day to day!
@@weird_al77 They often return to those who gave them good supply in the past, so beware of giving the positive memories too much weight. If you let her in your life again, her abuse will be even worse than before. If you can love, then you deserve someone who can love you back, not just playact it to keep you on the hook. ☮️
I am so glad for the internet
If it weren't for people like you sharing these stories, I would feel perpetually guilty for how quickly I exit bad relationships. Thanks for sharing your story, and I am glad you are alive to tell the tale.
Unfortunately, i was the rager in my relationship. I own it unequivocally. I would keep pushing down everything until I couldn't take it anymore. I think i definitely had the covert narcissistic traits. I have to be by myself when the rage comes. I think when you have been through a ton of crap, but not allowed to have your feelings without being shamed/blamed, your anger will be indignant. Plus a host of other BS.
I'm working on these issues, but I own what I did. I left the relationship, and i feel far more in touch with my emotions than ever before.
Thank you Dr.Ramani.
Superman... That's my covert narc. He describes himself as 'not of this world', alien without emotions, STRONG!, able to jump off a roof and never get hurt. He brags about never being afraid of anything but freaks out when I'm driving. Amnesia? He is so full of it, only remembering what he wants to. He plays nice in front of other people, but runs me down behind my back. It's all I can do right now to stay my own hand. Only with God's help.
Thanks for explaining narcissistic amnesia. I was subjected to physical, verbal and emotional abuse and within minutes my entire family would deny that it had happened.
What if you get so frustrated at the narcissist that you rage back? Then they step aside and say to those around, see? See how crazy she is? How her emotions are out of control?
Making you look crazy!
This is so my narc. He tells me, "I've never yelled at you nor hanged your calls except once." When gaslighting sets in and especially after i realized there's nothing I ever say that ever make sense...my emotions go loose and I'd cry and rage and graduated to hanging those nonsensical calls. Sometimes i wonder,🤔"im i the narcissist?"
@@rosendungu8051
I totally get it and relate!
You can literally feel like you’re turning into them, like a vampires bite! But no. We only act out that way with them! We are not crazy nor are we a narcissist! It’s how they project and make us feel! They do drive us crazy though 🤦♀️🙄😅
@@rosendungu8051
I had to get away to see it more clearly.
This is me I just dont know how to deal with the disengagement of my husband in settling problems and my sons rage at me. I feel like I am the raging lunatic in just wanting peace in my life I just want this is end
My father is all of these, it was so confusing to me as child because he could be extremely charming and the "nice perfect loving dad" when he wanted to be but his "RAGE" was extremely destabilizing. He was very domestically abusive when I was a young teenager. I witnessed him almost kill my mother when I was 14 year's old. I had to once intervene in one of these fights because he was shocking her. He hasn't hit anyone in years and that's really just because everyone knows not to engage with him in any confrontation, especially when your criticising him. I'm 21 now and even just having him in the same room as me makes me feel PTSD triggers.
About your age is when I cut ties with my mother and I have never missed her, not even once. I went on to marry someone who is an awful lot like her, though, and so I recommend counseling to anyone who manages to get out of such relationships.
Do some research on CPTSD :).
@@cc1k435 Thank you. I will definitely check it out. Especially group counseling or group trauma informed therapy. ❤️
I immediately shut down anyone who displays "rage". Fully down to for a physical fight if that's what it takes.
Im not tolerating an ADULT having a meltdown. NOPE. Aint happening. I will shut the person down & end all contact forever. There is no forgiveness because there is nothing to forgive. Im not dealing with an adult child. There just simply isnt a place in my life for that behsvior
I feel bad for people when they’re being passive aggressive, but I won’t offer my help unless the ask, they can use their words and they don’t have to make me feel like shit to get their way.
Thanks for sharing this video !!❤⚘