My dad was JUST like this. My mom would always say if he would just quit drinking they could have a normal, happy marriage. I kept telling her the drinking wasn't the cause of his issues----it was just another symptom. He did eventually quit drinking. He was still the same person doing the same things.....just without a beer in his hand.
Facts ,same thing I told my mother that my sister's drug addiction was not the actual problem and that she needed to get to the bottom of what led her to the drugs
I’ve thought about this, is it true though? Because on the other hand, we’re just seeing the subset in the population of unhappy people who call. In other words, obviously people who are happy in their marriages aren’t going to call into the show.
He is right in this case though. This father of three is a guy with deep issues. Most likely mommy issues. He competes with his wife on all things. I bet his wife is beautiful and he thinks he is unworthy or her, and him trying to make it big is his way of having one up , on her. He keeps failing and makes him angry. He also does not respect his wife because they never communicate, he just tells her what he is going to do and she has to accept it. His friends are more successful than him and he listens to them, but he does not have the capabilities to make it on his own.
best advice I got was to work on myself, and work toward the life I wanted; and my (then) husband would either want to be there with me and get his stuff together and join me, or we would move so far apart and the gulf between us would be so big, it would hurt a little less. And it took a long time for me to finally put that into action, but once I did, it was one of the best things I ever did.
She isn't over it yet and I am heartbroken on behalf of her children. She isnt ready to leave him, she couldn't even wrap her head around the idea of actually having an intention to act behind her threats of divorce
@@justinstone4476I think it goes both ways but I also think men are generally content in a relationship if they have a lot of sex, regardless of what else is being contributed. My husband and I split everything 50/50 when it comes to expenses and chores, but I know for a fact he wouldn’t complain with 90/10 if we were sleeping together twice a day 🤭 That’s just not the same for women. For us, physical intimacy is generally reserved for when we feel supported/protected, unless there are some serious wires crossed in our brains. Most well-adjusted women aren’t interested in opening their legs for a man who can’t provide for them and doesn’t make them feel secure. Personally, I have a good career I’m passionate about and I’m very independent when it comes to finances, but I don’t think it’s a good thing that our gender roles are being increasingly equalized. I believe that having the majority of women in the workforce and outsourcing childcare to babysitters and daycares is a net negative for society. There are a lot of women (way more than would readily admit it) who would love to be stay at home mothers and housewives as in generations past. It’s just not an option now due to the financial pressures of the 21st century and the very novel mentality that being a homemaker isn’t a legitimate life path. I feel sorry for the past couple of generations, who’ve had to grow up without a full-time parent in the home.
She should have mentioned earlier that she is already living with her kids at her mom's house and he doesn’t care. He is sooooooo out of this marriage. The call just got worse and worse and worse and worse.
She won't. She sounds so unsure of herself that I bet she more than likely will talk to him, he'll say all the right things again and she'll be content. Foolish Woman,poor kids.
To the Caller, please consider attending Al-Anon meetings. It is so incredibly difficult to navigate life with an alcoholic, especially when it's been going on for so long. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. There's a lot of signs on this call that point to trying to control his alcoholism "if we get it under control then things will fall into place" and that's just not how it works unfortunately. Al-Anon gives us the tools to detach with love, let go of trying to control others' drinking and make decisions based on what's best for us. It's such a difficult situation to be in and most people don't understand it unless they've gone through it. Wishing this sweet woman the best for her and her babies ❤
My husband filed for divorce after he failed as well, lost $120k and now blaming me. Her situation is like mine, I am the bread winner and owns a business. He wants more money and I finally said, no. He said bye. Ok. 😅
You only learn from failure. He might open another and become a millionaire. Only people who get a job and run in a hamster wheel are the real losers. Hopefully he finds his calling. Even Dave Ramsey failed his first time. His wife didn't run. I always hated to see people's dreams fail but it happens. I didn't make a profit for almost three years and my wife kept supporting us through the bad times. Now I'm going on 17 years in business.
@@extremecarpetcleaning-wvwi86 Really? It’s because of my wheels that he got to lose $120k. And because of my wheels he will get more and more than likely he will lose it all again. He borrowed 30k from his family and lost that, too. Gambling with large sums of money without savings left over then filing for divorce to get more is idiotic. The guy has a history of losing everything he touched. No way he will become a millionaire. Lol 😂
@@extremecarpetcleaning-wvwi86and he may always be broke. Most businesses fail. Meanwhile, he has 3 kids. The least he could do is earn a paycheck part time. Also, you're not better than other people because you have a business. You just seem like an asshole with a business.
Developer here that learned from RUclips- I succeeded but I can't blame the wife if the husband doesn't have a good track record of success, is an alcoholic, is absent, and is creating chaos with no concerns.
She didn't want him to take care of her, just her child while she was puking her guts out. Calling this "modern" mentality is stupid. Expecting your partner to be a partner isn't "modern". He's a drunk that sucks and people expecting her to suck it up is boomer mentality. Women were expected to suffer for their family, nope. I'm 50, saw my mom do this for years. She needs to leave him.
@@lilolmecj considering that she's the one supporting the family, she's definitely a modern woman. If she were a traditional woman they'd all be starving.
I was in a somewhat similar situation. I called a good friend of his and we met for lunch. I wanted his opinion. One thing really resonated with me. He said,It’s just a matter of time before he has an accident because of his drinking. He’s going down and he’s taking you with him. Get out now before it’s too late.” There were other matters we discussed and it REALLY helped getting his input/perspective.” I gave my husband an ultimatum, he ignored it. I filed for divorce. It’s been 15 years. Life is great….easy, peaceful, drama free. I wish I’d done it years earlier. Think about it.
That wasn't his "good friend", because if he was he'd try to bring you and your ex closer together. My question is, how soon after you divorced him did this good friend make a move on you 🤔?
I vote that he does not want to deal with a house full of rambunctious needy kids and a clear-eyed wife. And he is successful-everyone else is wringing their hands worrying about his sorry patoot, while they assume his portion of the responsibilities. Must feel soooo sweet living on a farm, drunk, no worries, in a fog of victimhood. Margaritaville.
Ugh my dad was a Alcoholic very ambitious...drinking fogs your brain & make horrible business ideas. Hes going to run his business & marriage into the ground if he continues drinking
I'm amazed at how much clarity I see when I listen to these podcasts, even if the situation isn't exactly what I'm living in. There are certain principles within the realm of relationship or marriage that have to be adhered to if one's going to thrive, not just survive. For instance, honesty and trust, willingness to give without demands for equality, ability to know and hold to one's limits and boundaries, getting off the merry-go-round of insanity; quit going around in a circle and expecting to end up somewhere else. Both people take responsibility for themselves and their choices of behavior and words. AND of course, understanding that one can only change one's self, not the other person. These are just a few "trueisms" that keep relationships alive and thriving. Whether a spouse is having an affair, or is an addict, not financially responsible, or won't help with household chores, I hear John address certain fundamental principles that are being neglected and I can apply one of those pieces of wisdom to my situation. Thank You Dr. Delony, and thanks to your callers who are willing to be vulnerable.
I like what you said here. As I get older, I wonder if I hold too much pride in these things. If someone breaks these "rules" why should I take them so personal if they're broken. Maybe I lost hope. I'm not sure yet
He’s building them a home while she’s thinking of divorce, no wonder he doesn’t feel like he has a partner. She is telling him he’s going to fail instead of just backing him, and then when they fail because that’s all she focuses on creating resistance she validates her decision being right. Being right is more important than synergy. Self fulfilling prophecy
My dad is an alcoholic and cooks and works on cars to cope because my parents don’t have the guts to tell each other what they need because they feel like they would be attacked because that’s what their trauma is from their parents. Prayers please
Sounds like this is pretty done. He needs to rehab the way he treats you. Just don’t go back. File for divorce. Contact a real estate agent to sell the farm, if you’re half owner. Be done. Let him deal with his demons on his own.
Real question, can she force a sale, or does he have to consent? Would the judge handling their divorce case make him either sell, or somehow buy out her half? I've always wondered about debts too, I have a sinking feeling that rather than splitting a loan in half and letting each ex pay their half, that both are still on the hook for the whole amount. It's just a never ending nightmare.
@@rachelmaddowswife8713 The court has the authority to force the sale of a home during a divorce if it's the only fair way to divide assets and neither is able/willing to buy the other person out of their half.
The real issue here is being a single mom while married. Because you question what’s the point of having a husband at all if you are going to take care of yourself when sick and pregnant with a toddler to take care of while husband is off failing. Who is going to be looking out for you if not him? If it’s yourself then why he with him? You dont feel like a priority to him so you subconsciously withdraw your trust in him and consent to be married. That lack of trust will spread to everything else and he subconsciously he feels the consent and trust withdrawn which makes him lose confidence which makes it likely he will continue to fail. The key is addressing the married single mom issue but it’s hard when ADHD is involved. Possibly some kind of counseling with an expert in adhd and marriage
@@darrylg3861 How does she get spousal support or child support from a guy who serially fails at his business ventures? It’s just as likely he won’t pay anything, even if the court orders it. But she may still be better off without an angry drunk who can’t keep a job and can’t run a business - and who clearly doesn’t want to live with her or their children.
My father was the same way... Because my mom was always "hoping" he will change we were left with nothing at the end. Zero. Plus the debts. What remained with me through the years were a couple of good memories and an infinite amount of bad ones - phycological abuse, domestic violence, fear, anxiety, trauma, poverty... I hope this lady makes the right choice, the children don't deserve to see or go through all this.
Please make a plan and get out as soon as you can. I have been in a similar situation and I don't regret (finally) leaving for one second. I am so, so , so much better off financially and emotionally and so are my precious children. Your kids see what is going on and they will thank you for leaving one day and for saving all of you.
He does not love her nor their children and he’s made that abundantly clear. Now he finally got rid of them and can do his own thing while she’s footing the bill. It’s a win-win situation for him! She needs to accept he will always be nothing but a liability and pull the plug. When your spouse doesn’t love you, the marriage is not salvageable. That’s where they are. She just doesn’t see it yet.
It sounds like to me her husband is not financially responsible and that can cause a problem in a marriage. It’s not about how much money he has, but it’s definitely about what he is doing with it.
Punches walls and flies into rages? An alcoholic? Way to bury the lede. Honey, it’s over. Yeah, you will be broke financially, but you and your kids may survive without being broke physically. He will never change. Get out now.
Women, stop telling others to leave, you made a vow, to stay in in sickness and poor, y’all just don’t listen to the words when y’all get married , in one ear and out the other
Between my husband and my friends husband this story is a perfect match. We want to show support but we know they will fail, Its a tough call but you already know the outcome. Like we both also know. We have done everything you've done, Protect yourself and children.
I work with many different types of contractors and I can tell you this pattern is startlingly common. Most contractors are great! They are just normal people starting their own business. I love working with a lot of my clients. However, there is the really bad part of these industries. A portion of people who start their own company with landscape, tree care, earth moving, and other trades have to start their own company because they simply can’t work well with others or hold a steady job. I’ve met some truly terrible people who have the worst attitudes or the worst addiction issues I have ever seen. I’ve seen smack heads, alcoholics, wife beaters, psychopaths, etc. It’s pretty wild what you can get with these ‘business owners’.
She is stuck until she decides to unstick the situation. I agree she has control, she needs to rip off the band-aide (easier said then done) and he has to take responsibility for his own actions. If you have a spouse with mental health issues, drugs , alcohol, etc. with kids involved, there has to be an endpoint when is no longer healthy or safe for them. It can take a lot for someone to hit rock bottom and do you want your kids, his kids to see that unfold. He obliviously hasn't hit that point yet, people go on like this for decades before it happens.
Sounds like she's married to a narcissist like I was... they use anger to back you off so you can't resolve anything... everything has to be their way... they are irresponsible with money and they drag you so far past your boundaries that you don't have a clue anymore... The happiest day I ever had was when I divorced him and got away from this no win insane life...
My dad was similar. I wish dads in general can just be better. This is the stuff that scars your kids like it did me. We grow up effed up without a clue in the world how to find good men as daughters or how to model a strong, healthy, stable, mature man as sons. Sad. I deeply wish she won't divorce him though. For the kids.
The issue is the alcoholism. Alcoholics in active addiction aren’t reasonable people. They are not in their right mind. She may be helped from Al Anon meetings. That’s the root of all the chaos.
I was looking for this comment, thank you for saying it. Most comments just say "girl run!" But they don't understand how complex and Codependent relationships with alcoholics can be. Leaving is a process if that's what she decides to do, but in the meantime she can learn to focus on her well-being and that of her children.
@@erikak128it's really not complex. It may be difficult to experience the end of a relationship but ending the relationship is as simple as making a decision and following through on that decision. Mature people make decisions that are hard to deal with all the time.
@PLD.608 it's obvious you've never experienced addiction in your life. Yes it is complex, it's like saying why don't alcoholics just stop drinking? Or addicts just stop doing drugs? It's just a decision 🙄 Having an addict in your life is almost an addiction itself. You become addicted to rescuing them, to trying to control them, to believing their lies, even when it's gotten to a point that it's hurting you and ruining your life. That's why many of us have had to work the 12 steps ourselves, even though we are not the ones consuming the substance. I was lucky enough to have lived most of my life in blissful ignorance about the complexities of living a life with an alcoholic in my life. If you'd had asked me 5 years ago, I'd probably had answered the same as you. It's very easy to have a mistaken opinion about a situation that you've never gone through. I hope that you never do. That's why I suggested she attend Al-Anon, so that she can find a community that is going through similar situations as her and can understand why it isn't easy to just make a decision. The world is full of people ready to judge, dismiss, and even mock her apprehension. Hopefully she'll find real community in Al-Anon as I did.
This guy will never come around. You can't fix him. Ever. And it's very scary to make real decisions vs hiding out, hoping things will magically get better. Which is what's going on now. For the sake of your kids, get moving. You should be loooong gone. His inertia is permanent. Yours doesn't have to be.
I have a story that might help. I was engaged to the love of my life, she wanted me to pay off some previous debts before our wedding. A reasonable request on the front page but the truth is in the details. I would build up funds to pay off the debt and she would insist on an expensive gift or expensive dates. One week I had saved up just enough to pay the debt but she demanded 5 days of dinner at an expensive restaurant. She left me after my 3rd job loss. I learned that though I loved her, she was my boat anchor, and she kept drowning me. 2 months after the breakup I found a better job, and had the debt paid in 3 months and have been debt free since. It took me years to understand that she was the problem.
I don't think there's any better example of "behavior is a language" than what is demonstrated by this husband. He gives her some lip service to make her end the conversation and then he just does what he wants anyway. He doesn't have to step up because for all the ultimatums she's given him, nothing has changed.
Behavior is a language with her too. Until she quits drawing lines and then not following through when those lines are crossed, he’s going to keep believing that what she says does t matter.
ADHD can be a serious hindrance to folks if not understood and treated. The drinking is how he is coping. I wish one day this gentleman sees his way into treatment. Very sorry to the family that is imploding.
Too many people, myself included, don’t write down what they want in a significant other and stick to that list, yet I did for a business and it’s thrived since I was a kid to now. But first that takes getting to know yourself first, call out the bs, own all the good & BAD things you’ve said or did, and fix whatever limitations and traumas that have accumulated over your life so far. I’m saying this out loud and starting the healing/ being true to thyself process at 40 (no kids, never married) and would encourage anyone who is in their youth to do so. It will save you lots of heartache, stress, people pleasing to ones own detriment and self sabotage from all situations and people in your life
My situation is little bit similar in terms of my husband is an entrepreneur. I work but I don’t make much money. My husband has a restaurant and a tech startup. The restaurant is not making any profit and it demands 40 hours a week of his time. The startup is not making money yet. So we are living with minimum wage for a couple years now. Living in his parent property because we can’t afford rent right now. I just wish his business works. 😢 Other than that, my husband is a great man, loving and caring husband.
This channel highlights the importance of resting egos and pursuing self-improvement in your early 20s. Otherwise the problem accrues and when you are forced to pursue self-improvement, the impact is immense.
I'm 46 now and it sounds like she is talking about me when I was on my 20's 😢 I was just like that guy everything was the same, I hope she moves on its not worth it to end up with men like us.
Damn, when I started this video I did not realize it would be this heavy. I thought that her husband wanted to be a painter or a rock star but this turned really dark really fast. Poor woman. Hope she leaves the deadbeat.
I feel for this women. You are told "divorce is bad", "The grass isn't greener on the other side it is greener where you water it", etc. It makes it hard to just walk away. I really hope he steps it up for his wife and family or this women is able to leave and start over.
I was in the same situation husband sold our house took the proceeds and also banks money to start a business, he didn't help taking care of the kids for 5 yrs I walked away moved out. He passed away 6 months ago from a stroke now I'm a widow with 3 kids , I'm so angry
Sheesh - the bad business situations we get into as women. She needs to take the plunge, take the loss as a lesson and set the divorce in motion. I sense whats holding her back is the fear of not being seen as a good wife. She needs to let him go. Most men who act like this think the woman will never leave - they never understand or change until the women actually divorce them.
From experience, it’s often easier to give ultimatums before you really know in your bones that if they don’t agree and follow through this time, you guys have to be done. And if you’re honest with yourself, you know which way it’s going to go. She’s hesitating because she knows her marriage is one move way away from being over.
Man is chasing a failing business while simultaneously leaving his family behind. His priorities are way off. If he doesn't see this and change, the marriage / his family is over.
Relationships are a 2 way street. If he refuses to address the problems, she should leave him. It takes effort on both sides to sit down and address the problem. I'm married myself, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have stayed single..
@SJ-qf2tz Probably because living life alone is easier than living a life for two or more people under the false pretense you'd have another adult with you to carry the burden. It's why I refuse to ever have kids.
Get out woman. Same situation with my parents but 5 children and addiction to gambling. My mother hesitated to threw him out of the house and I did it. He will become more violent and abusive. He is gaslighting you now. Addiction never goes away. After i kicked him out we lived with our mum in peace. He is going to be worst when his business fails. Get out of this marriage for your own sanity and your kids. You deserve better ❤❤
Alcohol jacks up your brain. I'm glad I quit. It definitely left it's mark on me.. mentally I am not as sharp. It's as if I aged faster. Not sure I'll ever feel like my old self, but my emotional regulation is way better now that I quit and I'll never touch the stuff again. I can be a better dad and husband atleast. I hope this guy gets help. If not, for her and her kids sake she needs to leave for good.
He needs to Go for regular testing to make sure he's not drinking, make his counseling appointments... He tests positive for drugs / alcohol or misses one scheduled counseling appointment - she files for divorce the next day. She needs to lay this all out for him, get his first couple appointments scheduled for both, then present this to him. She needs to be firm and not move the line again. Tell him this is the final straw. If he refuses, she knows to file - immediately.
@@briskettacos Way more men haven't raised their hands to a woman but have had their bank accounts emptied and locks changed on the doors. There are shelter and many resources for abused women none for men. The only way for a man to avoid this is to not marry, have kids or cohabitate. Problem solved. The husband get no support just hen pecked and brow beat. "You don't make enough, you are never home I feel like a single parent, you don't communicate, you are mean verbally abusive". It goes on and on. Never satisfied and bring f**ck all to the table but grief.
@@djpuplex It would be better for males to allow themselves to mature, from a role model if possible. When a boy is married with children, it's disaster. When a mature man is married with children, it's beautiful, he's someone to be respected.
@@FreeSpirit47More fairytale 🐂💩. Divorce rate is near 50%. 80% of women file. 0% of women take any accountability. You choose your husband you choose not respect him. But you ladies always have a answer and somewhere to put the blame huh.
This is my relationship so much. Just had a kid together and I honestly can’t trust his judgement or devotion to me and her enough to even marry him. ADHD and anxiety can’t stay on task does odd jobs so he stays out late till 1-2-3 am sometimes later or doesn’t come home at all and won’t take a day to spend with his family puts others ahead of us. I just can’t 😢 I can’t respect that he puts his mom and helping her over us and everytime I try to talk about it he doesn’t want me to leave but he doesn’t want to do what we need him to do. I feel like a single mother already. I’m just so tired. The emotional toll this takes on me has me depleted and I feel like I can’t be a good mother because he’s constantly making me feel unwanted.
@@YesJellyfish yes I do! Unfortunately my friends all moved away from my hometown though where I live and my family is limited and is mostly all toxic. My therapist has said I need to cut out the crazy people in my life. What do I do if that’s pretty much everyone I know? 😭😅 I also have borderline personality. which means I think in black and white if I put in the same effort he gives and just focus on me and my baby I will just end up losing feelings 100% for him and end up leaving him altogether. I haven’t gained control totally of my emotions yet. (I’m still working on it) so until I can I’m all or nothing. Just pray that I can navigate this while still maintaining boundaries and yet keeping relationships in tact that are meant to be there.
In writing, give him a 30 day deadline. To get help…..( with proof ). In writing, list what will happen if he does not. You will divorce him. You will remove him from your health insurance. You will not give him a dime, except what is ordered by the court in your divorce. Before the divorce is final, he will not receive a dime from you. Send his family a copy of this letter, as well as him, making it clear of the lengths you have gone to for years to make it work. Also, stipulate that each….separately…….get marriage counseling with the caveat that once each month the counseling be for the two of you together. Until the divorce is final with court intervention, tell him that he may have the children at certain times, but that he must prove that the children are absolutely safe and he is not drinking. Be POSITIVE that you are informing his family of each step in your letter, so that they will not have any fuel to…..damn you.
Caller despite what you might think, this issue is not about you and your husband any longer. Your lack of upfront clarity with John regarding the things you've already said to your husband - you kept dropping more "oh I've already done that" through this entire conversation simply shows your willingness to tolerate the merry-go-round. News flash - there are some very vulnerable kids on this ride that you have completely lost sight of. Now it's time to be a real mother - your kids have an abusive, unstable, alcoholic father raising them EVEN IF IT'S PART TIME. Read that and let it sink in, you must step between them and husband. He is gone, and you now work exclusively to build them a stable future. If at some point hubby does get treatment he can see them again but not until he's stable. Stop sacrificing your children's future and mental health for your dislike of discomfort.
THE KIDS ARE AWARE OF THE UNCERTAINTY & LACK OF SAFETY & SECURITY. MY DAD WAS THIS SAME GUY. WE KIDS FELT / KNEW OUR MOM's FEARS, (same as yours,) EVEN THOUGH SHE TRIED TO SHELTER US FROM KNOWING. I KNEW FULLY AT 6-YRS!! I AM NOW IN MY 60's, AND STILL STRUGGLE WITH SAFE/SECURE! WISH MY MOM HAD MODELED CONSEQUENCES!
@@ashleycbla I've had plenty of excellent therapy for 24+ years. The issues of security & feeling "safe," somehow are there for me, nevertheless. Deep scars.
The calls sounds great. I don't think the husband is a bad man, I just think it went wrong. I think this is salvageable somehow. The husband would have to own up to all of it and make some major changes, but I do think with alot of work this is fixable. It would take alot of self improvement on the side of the husband. Sad, a good man seemingly that just went the wrong way and kept going. It can happen to the best of us. Truly. BTW I never heard anyone call counseling prostitution. I heard it called rent-a-pal or rent-a-friend, (I don't necessarily agree with that) but not pay for intimacy.
Yeah I think he is working 16 hours a day to make up for his mistake/salvage the non success but the problem is the 16 hours is actually making him less productive because he’s stressed etc
He’s hiding at his job because that’s the only thing he can fix … as I say that John says similar “he’s getting reinforcement from being good at landscaping”
But he isn’t a bad guy .. he’s just a human trying his hardest and maybe doesn’t know how to operate it. This is a far better situation than a man who refuses to try and just gets fat and does nothing
I can't help but think that if women seem to marry these kind of guys left and right, then when am I gonna get married since I'm not a selfish and abusive alcoholic?
Why would you wanna be married? Also, sounds like he was ok until he quit his job which further begs the question, why would you wanna be married? People switch up at the drop of a dime.
This show has convinced me to never get married. Ive listened to nearly every episode and 95% of the time is the husband failing the relationship and being selfish. Why do people get married??
People with healthy marriages don’t call in. I wouldn’t take marriage off the shelf just because other people have struggling/failing marriages. It’s like an architect saying they won’t build a building because at some point in time there might be damage.
I believe it is wise to view these stories as opportunities to learn what you won't tolerate in a marriage. Many of these miserable situations don't come out of the blue. They build slowly over time while red flags turn into dumpster fires.
Men don't really want to get married they only do it because they think they have to. Of course they usually figure out that they should have never gotten married because they lose almost everything
@@jdl2180 The 50 percent comes from the same people. The number of marriages and divorces are inflated by the same people breaking relationships and starting new ones constantly.
One can always leave. I've ended relationships with boyfriends, friends, and family. Once you get the hang of it, leaving to relationships that aren't in your best interest is easy and invigorating.
It is true that when you have a business that there are no days off. If I am obligated to be at a conference room in Indiana, PA to teach a class, I have to be there. 25-50 employees have scheduled themselves to attend my class. They have hotel rooms and I can't cancel. I have driven through snowstorms and taught classes while I had influenza. The trade-off is that this company schedules me to teach that class every year. The invoice for the training is sizeable. Why would a spouse not understand that?
Please Dr. John, in these kinds of situations consider recommending an intervention by a professional from a therapist in a drug and alcohol in-patient treatment center. I have personally seen interventions work in "impossible" situations like this many, many times. I am not talking about a psychiatric facility.
This sounds like it's going to be a huge explosion. Getting money from the home to pay from the home???? Debt will pile up for the rest of their lives unfortunately
She should not have allowed herself to get pregnant with an existing four month old while married to an alcoholic. That was *HER* choice, and a really bad one.
One thing forgotten in marriage is marriage isn't about yourself it is about the other person, when both aren't sharing & involved or can't communicate it is likely they'll fail.
Oh , he's choosing a fantasy 😮 Thats why his plan isn't working . He's delusional because of the alcohol and his understanding of responsibility . So glad this conversation is recorded so she can listen to it again . I sure learned allot .
It's all going to be her fault no matter what. This is narcissistic abuse. Get the divorce and move on, for the kids sake. They need to grow up in a stable house. Just watched the movie The Glass Castle,it was good!!!
14:23 yes. She did say WE. Because when she entered into the marriage, she entered into a partnership. She doesn't sound "into this" because she doesn't view him as the enemy. She sees him as her husband who is messed up. Man, Dr John doesn't give the other side of these calls even the smallest of the benefit of the doubt. He just casually tells these people to make like altering, catastrophic choices. All the whole admitting he doesn't have anywhere near all the information. I have a feeling he would not be so nonchalant if he were talking to someone in his life or something he cared about. I honestly wonder how many marriages how exploded because a wife got off the phone with Dr John and just threw down the gauntlet. Gave all kinds of ultimatums, and ends up alone and struggling instead of taking the steps needed to work on the marriage. Idk.......
Alcohol is a depresant. It creates many mental issues . That's why there is AA and case studies . In Ireland or Scotland they call alcohol ** spirit's ** that's the issue making him confused or irresponsible .
This husband’s got Charles Ponzi energy, except for his crippling anxiety. Not everyone is built entrepreneurship, but lots of people are built to blow their life savings chasing a dream if put in the right conditions. It’s time for him to educate himself on how to do it properly, or get a 9-5 and make his family financially prosperous again.
This is (forgive me) the same tedious scenario that comes up time after time on this show - a married woman with multiple children whose husband clearly has issues and she's feeling miserable because of his behaviour. When will women learn that you can be with a bloke without having children and seeing how things go for a while and what type of person he really is and if he's clearly a nutter you're not stuck, you can just walk away, find someone new and start again. It's not rocket science!!
@@usernameheda Yeah but did he really. Im thinking he probably was maybe like this all along. Otherwise he would had probably not gone as far as he did with this new life he has going.
@@wonka4 guess you don't know until you experience it yourself, it's quite a common experience. Once people feel comfortable that they have an element of control over you they start to reveal who they really are.
This call makes me nervous about wanting to start a small side business lol… but I am imho a great dad and take care of all the bills…the side business wouldn’t touch my normal money so I think I’m okay. But i know the business would take me out of the house a bit more…
The correlation between paying for sex and paying for someone to talk to/ listen to your feelings makes perfect sense. Maybe not to someone who’s comfortable with therapy/ has the privilege to have therapy, and definitely not to a therapist. But for him it’s terrible. This sounds like to me that a broken man finally has shattered and he’s only holding on to his obligations and not truly living. His drinking allows him to let go. This will only be resolved if both parties put effort forward. Not just wife expecting and husband “trying”. Both need to try.
My dad was JUST like this. My mom would always say if he would just quit drinking they could have a normal, happy marriage. I kept telling her the drinking wasn't the cause of his issues----it was just another symptom. He did eventually quit drinking. He was still the same person doing the same things.....just without a beer in his hand.
Same with my mum and dad
Yeeeeeeeeup
Facts ,same thing I told my mother that my sister's drug addiction was not the actual problem and that she needed to get to the bottom of what led her to the drugs
Right on point
😢 I’m so sorry, man.. I can’t stand alcohol. My sister hs been drinking since she was 13-! THIRTEEN. We don’t talk anymore. It got bad in her 20s
One thing this show really highlights is how miserable so many people are in their marriages.
Totally. We all have trauma that we carry and if we dont try to work through it, it negatively shows up in our relationships
I’ve thought about this, is it true though? Because on the other hand, we’re just seeing the subset in the population of unhappy people who call. In other words, obviously people who are happy in their marriages aren’t going to call into the show.
And they keep having more kids.
Exactly! Thank Q!
I think it would be more accurate to say many people are miserable, and are also married
"RUclips is a terrible place to learn things or take advice." As we all listen to this on RUclips.
Yeah he doesn’t give the greatest advice all the time either. RUclips is a great tool it’s just how you use it.
Before RUclips, people had more common sense.
@@michelejohnson6459lol no, you just couldn’t see them mess up so hard because there was less monetary incentive to sharing their mess-ups.
He is right in this case though.
This father of three is a guy with deep issues. Most likely mommy issues. He competes with his wife on all things. I bet his wife is beautiful and he thinks he is unworthy or her, and him trying to make it big is his way of having one up , on her.
He keeps failing and makes him angry. He also does not respect his wife because they never communicate, he just tells her what he is going to do and she has to accept it.
His friends are more successful than him and he listens to them, but he does not have the capabilities to make it on his own.
There's some genuine things on RUclips by professional.
I was in that same place for 6 years… just get on with your life. He is not going to change.
This
💯
best advice I got was to work on myself, and work toward the life I wanted; and my (then) husband would either want to be there with me and get his stuff together and join me, or we would move so far apart and the gulf between us would be so big, it would hurt a little less. And it took a long time for me to finally put that into action, but once I did, it was one of the best things I ever did.
Yep.
Did that for 20 yrs.
It wont change.
She isn't over it yet and I am heartbroken on behalf of her children. She isnt ready to leave him, she couldn't even wrap her head around the idea of actually having an intention to act behind her threats of divorce
Could be so true, possibly he is abusing the situation, living a dream (in his eyes) life drinking and enjoying the farm alone.
Yeah, “I’ve done all this before, and it didn’t force him to be better.” She’s not ready to put forward a real ultimatum where she follows through.
So many women now are getting divorced because we are tired of doing EVERYTHING by ourselves we might as well be single.
@@marytudor-iw2dwBetter a woman with a spine than a clown in a marriage.
It goes both ways
Beware of monolithic thought. It’s a plague these days . Have a good weekend 🤘
@@justinstone4476I think it goes both ways but I also think men are generally content in a relationship if they have a lot of sex, regardless of what else is being contributed. My husband and I split everything 50/50 when it comes to expenses and chores, but I know for a fact he wouldn’t complain with 90/10 if we were sleeping together twice a day 🤭 That’s just not the same for women. For us, physical intimacy is generally reserved for when we feel supported/protected, unless there are some serious wires crossed in our brains. Most well-adjusted women aren’t interested in opening their legs for a man who can’t provide for them and doesn’t make them feel secure.
Personally, I have a good career I’m passionate about and I’m very independent when it comes to finances, but I don’t think it’s a good thing that our gender roles are being increasingly equalized. I believe that having the majority of women in the workforce and outsourcing childcare to babysitters and daycares is a net negative for society. There are a lot of women (way more than would readily admit it) who would love to be stay at home mothers and housewives as in generations past. It’s just not an option now due to the financial pressures of the 21st century and the very novel mentality that being a homemaker isn’t a legitimate life path. I feel sorry for the past couple of generations, who’ve had to grow up without a full-time parent in the home.
@@justinstone4476
Excuses, excuses...
She should have mentioned earlier that she is already living with her kids at her mom's house and he doesn’t care.
He is sooooooo out of this marriage. The call just got worse and worse and worse and worse.
If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids because they are learning this is what marriage looks like.
She won't. She sounds so unsure of herself that I bet she more than likely will talk to him, he'll say all the right things again and she'll be content. Foolish Woman,poor kids.
@@LaSoldier505 I think she should have someone with her when she talks to him. He might beat her up or worse.
To the Caller, please consider attending Al-Anon meetings. It is so incredibly difficult to navigate life with an alcoholic, especially when it's been going on for so long.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.
There's a lot of signs on this call that point to trying to control his alcoholism "if we get it under control then things will fall into place" and that's just not how it works unfortunately.
Al-Anon gives us the tools to detach with love, let go of trying to control others' drinking and make decisions based on what's best for us.
It's such a difficult situation to be in and most people don't understand it unless they've gone through it.
Wishing this sweet woman the best for her and her babies ❤
Al-anon is an amazing suggestion.
Please attend meetings for YOU. you will find support and acceptance.
My husband filed for divorce after he failed as well, lost $120k and now blaming me. Her situation is like mine, I am the bread winner and owns a business. He wants more money and I finally said, no. He said bye. Ok. 😅
It's always someone else's fault. Always!
You only learn from failure. He might open another and become a millionaire. Only people who get a job and run in a hamster wheel are the real losers. Hopefully he finds his calling. Even Dave Ramsey failed his first time. His wife didn't run. I always hated to see people's dreams fail but it happens. I didn't make a profit for almost three years and my wife kept supporting us through the bad times. Now I'm going on 17 years in business.
@@extremecarpetcleaning-wvwi86 Really? It’s because of my wheels that he got to lose $120k. And because of my wheels he will get more and more than likely he will lose it all again. He borrowed 30k from his family and lost that, too. Gambling with large sums of money without savings left over then filing for divorce to get more is idiotic. The guy has a history of losing everything he touched. No way he will become a millionaire. Lol 😂
@@extremecarpetcleaning-wvwi86and he may always be broke. Most businesses fail. Meanwhile, he has 3 kids. The least he could do is earn a paycheck part time. Also, you're not better than other people because you have a business. You just seem like an asshole with a business.
@@Foxie635he sounds like a great guy
Developer here that learned from RUclips- I succeeded but I can't blame the wife if the husband doesn't have a good track record of success, is an alcoholic, is absent, and is creating chaos with no concerns.
She didn't want him to take care of her, just her child while she was puking her guts out. Calling this "modern" mentality is stupid. Expecting your partner to be a partner isn't "modern". He's a drunk that sucks and people expecting her to suck it up is boomer mentality. Women were expected to suffer for their family, nope. I'm 50, saw my mom do this for years. She needs to leave him.
@@aprilfox9205
If he was like this when she married him then it’s her fault for agreeing to marry him.
@@lilolmecj YOu are defending a man who chooses alcohol over his kids and wife.
@@lilolmecj considering that she's the one supporting the family, she's definitely a modern woman. If she were a traditional woman they'd all be starving.
He's a failure. She should leave
I was in a somewhat similar situation. I called a good friend of his and we met for lunch. I wanted his opinion. One thing really resonated with me. He said,It’s just a matter of time before he has an accident because of his drinking. He’s going down and he’s taking you with him. Get out now before it’s too late.” There were other matters we discussed and it REALLY helped getting his input/perspective.” I gave my husband an ultimatum, he ignored it. I filed for divorce. It’s been 15 years. Life is great….easy, peaceful, drama free. I wish I’d done it years earlier. Think about it.
That wasn't his "good friend", because if he was he'd try to bring you and your ex closer together. My question is, how soon after you divorced him did this good friend make a move on you 🤔?
Did you have kids?
@@F_Dot_ it's also kind of weird to meet up with one of your husband's friends without him knowing
@@F_Dot_You sound like a teenager.
That friend was a real man who saw the truth.
Not everyone has their head in the gutter.
Grow up.
@@piepiepie57Lol- you must not have ever been in a situation like this.
I vote that he does not want to deal with a house full of rambunctious needy kids and a clear-eyed wife. And he is successful-everyone else is wringing their hands worrying about his sorry patoot, while they assume his portion of the responsibilities. Must feel soooo sweet living on a farm, drunk, no worries, in a fog of victimhood. Margaritaville.
He be living the dream!!!
Astute observation.
Are you a therapist? Amazing insight.
OMG brilliant!
Ugh my dad was a Alcoholic very ambitious...drinking fogs your brain & make horrible business ideas. Hes going to run his business & marriage into the ground if he continues drinking
I'm amazed at how much clarity I see when I listen to these podcasts, even if the situation isn't exactly what I'm living in. There are certain principles within the realm of relationship or marriage that have to be adhered to if one's going to thrive, not just survive. For instance, honesty and trust, willingness to give without demands for equality, ability to know and hold to one's limits and boundaries, getting off the merry-go-round of insanity; quit going around in a circle and expecting to end up somewhere else. Both people take responsibility for themselves and their choices of behavior and words. AND of course, understanding that one can only change one's self, not the other person. These are just a few "trueisms" that keep relationships alive and thriving.
Whether a spouse is having an affair, or is an addict, not financially responsible, or won't help with household chores, I hear John address certain fundamental principles that are being neglected and I can apply one of those pieces of wisdom to my situation. Thank You Dr. Delony, and thanks to your callers who are willing to be vulnerable.
I like what you said here. As I get older, I wonder if I hold too much pride in these things. If someone breaks these "rules" why should I take them so personal if they're broken. Maybe I lost hope. I'm not sure yet
Perfectly written.
That's well said.
Praying for this sweet lady and her husband. So many of us are going through the same or a similar situation 😢
He’s building them a home while she’s thinking of divorce, no wonder he doesn’t feel like he has a partner. She is telling him he’s going to fail instead of just backing him, and then when they fail because that’s all she focuses on creating resistance she validates her decision being right. Being right is more important than synergy. Self fulfilling prophecy
My dad is an alcoholic and cooks and works on cars to cope because my parents don’t have the guts to tell each other what they need because they feel like they would be attacked because that’s what their trauma is from their parents. Prayers please
Sounds like this is pretty done. He needs to rehab the way he treats you. Just don’t go back. File for divorce. Contact a real estate agent to sell the farm, if you’re half owner. Be done. Let him deal with his demons on his own.
Agree. Don’t make kids witness a violent drunk bankrupt the family. Make a plan and get out.
Great point, he will lose everything otherwise and she will end up with debts.
Real question, can she force a sale, or does he have to consent? Would the judge handling their divorce case make him either sell, or somehow buy out her half? I've always wondered about debts too, I have a sinking feeling that rather than splitting a loan in half and letting each ex pay their half, that both are still on the hook for the whole amount. It's just a never ending nightmare.
@@rachelmaddowswife8713 The court has the authority to force the sale of a home during a divorce if it's the only fair way to divide assets and neither is able/willing to buy the other person out of their half.
The real issue here is being a single mom while married. Because you question what’s the point of having a husband at all if you are going to take care of yourself when sick and pregnant with a toddler to take care of while husband is off failing. Who is going to be looking out for you if not him? If it’s yourself then why he with him? You dont feel like a priority to him so you subconsciously withdraw your trust in him and consent to be married. That lack of trust will spread to everything else and he subconsciously he feels the consent and trust withdrawn which makes him lose confidence which makes it likely he will continue to fail. The key is addressing the married single mom issue but it’s hard when ADHD is involved. Possibly some kind of counseling with an expert in adhd and marriage
needs to let go of the man baby.
She can get child support and alimony. She'll do better without him
I've been preaching this gospel that there are more single parents in married women than real single parents
Why is she pregnant? 😮
@@darrylg3861 How does she get spousal support or child support from a guy who serially fails at his business ventures? It’s just as likely he won’t pay anything, even if the court orders it. But she may still be better off without an angry drunk who can’t keep a job and can’t run a business - and who clearly doesn’t want to live with her or their children.
words mean nothing without conviction
You may be walking away in the negative but I bet you will have so much peace.
My father was the same way... Because my mom was always "hoping" he will change we were left with nothing at the end. Zero. Plus the debts. What remained with me through the years were a couple of good memories and an infinite amount of bad ones - phycological abuse, domestic violence, fear, anxiety, trauma, poverty... I hope this lady makes the right choice, the children don't deserve to see or go through all this.
Please make a plan and get out as soon as you can. I have been in a similar situation and I don't regret (finally) leaving for one second. I am so, so , so much better off financially and emotionally and so are my precious children. Your kids see what is going on and they will thank you for leaving one day and for saving all of you.
An ultimatum must be backed up with if/then and then he makes the choice. If he doesn't choose, he chooses...he opts out of life with you.
He does not love her nor their children and he’s made that abundantly clear. Now he finally got rid of them and can do his own thing while she’s footing the bill. It’s a win-win situation for him!
She needs to accept he will always be nothing but a liability and pull the plug. When your spouse doesn’t love you, the marriage is not salvageable. That’s where they are. She just doesn’t see it yet.
It sounds like to me her husband is not financially responsible and that can cause a problem in a marriage. It’s not about how much money he has, but it’s definitely about what he is doing with it.
Absolutely
He is sinking his wife & kids into a financial hole . . But yet has $$ for alcohol . . . :-(
Punches walls and flies into rages? An alcoholic? Way to bury the lede. Honey, it’s over. Yeah, you will be broke financially, but you and your kids may survive without being broke physically. He will never change. Get out now.
Women, stop telling others to leave, you made a vow, to stay in in sickness and poor, y’all just don’t listen to the words when y’all get married , in one ear and out the other
@@marcushenry2072 Sickness and financial problems are not the same as living with an abusive alcoholic who refuses to change.
@ericabrown7354 I will pray for you, again bw’s need to stop instigating and challenge every man because they don’t see one in a healthy relationship
@ericabrown7354yea don’t blame your man, if you have one, when he leaves you for another woman when you hit your lowest.
The incel trolls in these comments have no clue.
Between my husband and my friends husband this story is a perfect match. We want to show support but we know they will fail, Its a tough call but you already know the outcome. Like we both also know. We have done everything you've done, Protect yourself and children.
Why did you marry him? This is not behaviour out of the blue.
You don't deserve him
Silly question. @@jackdeniston59
You dont know the full story.@@danerichards7280
Nor do I deserve this treatment.
@@danerichards7280
“Behavior is a language .” I believe it. The writing is on the wall lady, your marriage is over.
I work with many different types of contractors and I can tell you this pattern is startlingly common.
Most contractors are great! They are just normal people starting their own business.
I love working with a lot of my clients.
However, there is the really bad part of these industries.
A portion of people who start their own company with landscape, tree care, earth moving, and other trades have to start their own company because they simply can’t work well with others or hold a steady job.
I’ve met some truly terrible people who have the worst attitudes or the worst addiction issues I have ever seen.
I’ve seen smack heads, alcoholics, wife beaters, psychopaths, etc.
It’s pretty wild what you can get with these ‘business owners’.
Get out girl. Your kinds need you more right now ❤
She is stuck until she decides to unstick the situation. I agree she has control, she needs to rip off the band-aide (easier said then done) and he has to take responsibility for his own actions. If you have a spouse with mental health issues, drugs , alcohol, etc. with kids involved, there has to be an endpoint when is no longer healthy or safe for them. It can take a lot for someone to hit rock bottom and do you want your kids, his kids to see that unfold. He obliviously hasn't hit that point yet, people go on like this for decades before it happens.
Sounds like she's married to a narcissist like I was... they use anger to back you off so you can't resolve anything... everything has to be their way... they are irresponsible with money and they drag you so far past your boundaries that you don't have a clue anymore... The happiest day I ever had was when I divorced him and got away from this no win insane life...
My dad was similar. I wish dads in general can just be better. This is the stuff that scars your kids like it did me. We grow up effed up without a clue in the world how to find good men as daughters or how to model a strong, healthy, stable, mature man as sons. Sad. I deeply wish she won't divorce him though. For the kids.
NEVER EVER COSIGN!!! NEVER!!
The issue is the alcoholism. Alcoholics in active addiction aren’t reasonable people. They are not in their right mind. She may be helped from Al Anon meetings. That’s the root of all the chaos.
I was looking for this comment, thank you for saying it. Most comments just say "girl run!" But they don't understand how complex and Codependent relationships with alcoholics can be. Leaving is a process if that's what she decides to do, but in the meantime she can learn to focus on her well-being and that of her children.
@@erikak128it's really not complex. It may be difficult to experience the end of a relationship but ending the relationship is as simple as making a decision and following through on that decision. Mature people make decisions that are hard to deal with all the time.
@PLD.608 it's obvious you've never experienced addiction in your life. Yes it is complex, it's like saying why don't alcoholics just stop drinking? Or addicts just stop doing drugs? It's just a decision 🙄
Having an addict in your life is almost an addiction itself. You become addicted to rescuing them, to trying to control them, to believing their lies, even when it's gotten to a point that it's hurting you and ruining your life. That's why many of us have had to work the 12 steps ourselves, even though we are not the ones consuming the substance.
I was lucky enough to have lived most of my life in blissful ignorance about the complexities of living a life with an alcoholic in my life. If you'd had asked me 5 years ago, I'd probably had answered the same as you. It's very easy to have a mistaken opinion about a situation that you've never gone through. I hope that you never do.
That's why I suggested she attend Al-Anon, so that she can find a community that is going through similar situations as her and can understand why it isn't easy to just make a decision. The world is full of people ready to judge, dismiss, and even mock her apprehension. Hopefully she'll find real community in Al-Anon as I did.
Wishing this lady courage
Girl - sorry to tell you, it’s over . Move on and get the divorce started.
This guy will never come around. You can't fix him. Ever. And it's very scary to make real decisions vs hiding out, hoping things will magically get better. Which is what's going on now. For the sake of your kids, get moving. You should be loooong gone. His inertia is permanent. Yours doesn't have to be.
I have a story that might help. I was engaged to the love of my life, she wanted me to pay off some previous debts before our wedding. A reasonable request on the front page but the truth is in the details. I would build up funds to pay off the debt and she would insist on an expensive gift or expensive dates. One week I had saved up just enough to pay the debt but she demanded 5 days of dinner at an expensive restaurant. She left me after my 3rd job loss.
I learned that though I loved her, she was my boat anchor, and she kept drowning me. 2 months after the breakup I found a better job, and had the debt paid in 3 months and have been debt free since. It took me years to understand that she was the problem.
Good for you! You dodged a bullet!
Just think what those kids have to deal with dad drunk, yelling and hitting walls. Mom, it's over. Face it and give your kids to have some peace.
She’s cried wolf so many times he doesn’t even hear her howl anymore 🐺 😢
You messed up
She is incredibly fortunate to have her mother.
Lady let him listen to this video. If he refuses to shape up WITH ACTIONS leave.
I'm hoping to God she's not currently pregnant... 🙄
Right! Poor kids.
She is and has the flu
@tacooflove6175 No, that was when she was two months pregnant with her second child, she said, right around 2:25.
I don't understand continuing to have sex with the man...sheesh!!
I don't think there's any better example of "behavior is a language" than what is demonstrated by this husband. He gives her some lip service to make her end the conversation and then he just does what he wants anyway. He doesn't have to step up because for all the ultimatums she's given him, nothing has changed.
Behavior is a language with her too. Until she quits drawing lines and then not following through when those lines are crossed, he’s going to keep believing that what she says does t matter.
obviously... behaviour is a language for everybody
She sounds as though she's afraid of him. He yells, etc. sounds like fear to me.
ADHD can be a serious hindrance to folks if not understood and treated. The drinking is how he is coping. I wish one day this gentleman sees his way into treatment. Very sorry to the family that is imploding.
Too many people, myself included, don’t write down what they want in a significant other and stick to that list, yet I did for a business and it’s thrived since I was a kid to now. But first that takes getting to know yourself first, call out the bs, own all the good & BAD things you’ve said or did, and fix whatever limitations and traumas that have accumulated over your life so far. I’m saying this out loud and starting the healing/ being true to thyself process at 40 (no kids, never married) and would encourage anyone who is in their youth to do so. It will save you lots of heartache, stress, people pleasing to ones own detriment and self sabotage from all situations and people in your life
you sound like a great friend to have, i like the way you think.
Great advice
My situation is little bit similar in terms of my husband is an entrepreneur. I work but I don’t make much money. My husband has a restaurant and a tech startup. The restaurant is not making any profit and it demands 40 hours a week of his time. The startup is not making money yet. So we are living with minimum wage for a couple years now. Living in his parent property because we can’t afford rent right now. I just wish his business works. 😢 Other than that, my husband is a great man, loving and caring husband.
So he's living off you and his parents while he runs to businesses that don't make money? Sounds like a sweet deal for him.
Other than that lol lol lol
If he was "loving and caring" he wouldn't be living off you and his parents. How old is he? If past 35 leave that loser.
He should make more money and do those things on the side.
A couple of years is too long
This channel highlights the importance of resting egos and pursuing self-improvement in your early 20s. Otherwise the problem accrues and when you are forced to pursue self-improvement, the impact is immense.
Why are the most dysfuntional couples the most fertile?
Not winning in your career certainly correlates with not winning at home.
I'm 46 now and it sounds like she is talking about me when I was on my 20's 😢 I was just like that guy everything was the same, I hope she moves on its not worth it to end up with men like us.
What is so bad about this guy that he’s not successful? So if you’re not successful then you’re useless is basically what this boils down to.
Damn, when I started this video I did not realize it would be this heavy. I thought that her husband wanted to be a painter or a rock star but this turned really dark really fast. Poor woman. Hope she leaves the deadbeat.
I feel for this women. You are told "divorce is bad", "The grass isn't greener on the other side it is greener where you water it", etc. It makes it hard to just walk away. I really hope he steps it up for his wife and family or this women is able to leave and start over.
I was in the same situation husband sold our house took the proceeds and also banks money to start a business, he didn't help taking care of the kids for 5 yrs I walked away moved out. He passed away 6 months ago from a stroke now I'm a widow with 3 kids , I'm so angry
You're actually better off than this woman.
It will get better. Keep your head up, and forgive him for you( not for him).❤
Feel bad for the kids-a rough road ahead for them.
Sheesh - the bad business situations we get into as women. She needs to take the plunge, take the loss as a lesson and set the divorce in motion. I sense whats holding her back is the fear of not being seen as a good wife. She needs to let him go. Most men who act like this think the woman will never leave - they never understand or change until the women actually divorce them.
From experience, it’s often easier to give ultimatums before you really know in your bones that if they don’t agree and follow through this time, you guys have to be done. And if you’re honest with yourself, you know which way it’s going to go. She’s hesitating because she knows her marriage is one move way away from being over.
Man is chasing a failing business while simultaneously leaving his family behind. His priorities are way off. If he doesn't see this and change, the marriage / his family is over.
Relationships are a 2 way street. If he refuses to address the problems, she should leave him. It takes effort on both sides to sit down and address the problem. I'm married myself, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have stayed single..
Single here ! Why would you have stayed single?
@SJ-qf2tz Probably because living life alone is easier than living a life for two or more people under the false pretense you'd have another adult with you to carry the burden.
It's why I refuse to ever have kids.
Get out woman. Same situation with my parents but 5 children and addiction to gambling. My mother hesitated to threw him out of the house and I did it. He will become more violent and abusive. He is gaslighting you now. Addiction never goes away. After i kicked him out we lived with our mum in peace. He is going to be worst when his business fails. Get out of this marriage for your own sanity and your kids. You deserve better ❤❤
5:23 John warning the caller about RUclips advice while giving advice on RUclips.
The difference is that he’s not promising anything.
Many times he is just pointing them in the right direction but says to get professional help.
Alcohol jacks up your brain. I'm glad I quit. It definitely left it's mark on me.. mentally I am not as sharp. It's as if I aged faster. Not sure I'll ever feel like my old self, but my emotional regulation is way better now that I quit and I'll never touch the stuff again. I can be a better dad and husband atleast. I hope this guy gets help. If not, for her and her kids sake she needs to leave for good.
He needs to Go for regular testing to make sure he's not drinking, make his counseling appointments... He tests positive for drugs / alcohol or misses one scheduled counseling appointment - she files for divorce the next day.
She needs to lay this all out for him, get his first couple appointments scheduled for both, then present this to him. She needs to be firm and not move the line again. Tell him this is the final straw. If he refuses, she knows to file - immediately.
He won't go for testing. This marriage is already over. I feel bad for her. She sounds depressed, could use some counseling for herself.
She’s being abused if he’s drinking and yelling at her and especially punching walls
My mom told her daughters. " Have cash stashed. You just never know" here's one reason a wife AND mother have to lookout for herself and children.
Called financial abuse. Men are learning to not marry cause you just never know
@@djpuplexOnce again, a certain type of man compares losing money to the possibility of abuse and death
@@briskettacos Way more men haven't raised their hands to a woman but have had their bank accounts emptied and locks changed on the doors. There are shelter and many resources for abused women none for men.
The only way for a man to avoid this is to not marry, have kids or cohabitate. Problem solved. The husband get no support just hen pecked and brow beat. "You don't make enough, you are never home I feel like a single parent, you don't communicate, you are mean verbally abusive". It goes on and on. Never satisfied and bring f**ck all to the table but grief.
@@djpuplex It would be better for males to allow themselves to mature, from a role model if possible. When a boy is married with children, it's disaster.
When a mature man is married with children, it's beautiful, he's someone to be respected.
@@FreeSpirit47More fairytale 🐂💩.
Divorce rate is near 50%.
80% of women file.
0% of women take any accountability.
You choose your husband you choose not respect him.
But you ladies always have a answer and somewhere to put the blame huh.
This is my relationship so much. Just had a kid together and I honestly can’t trust his judgement or devotion to me and her enough to even marry him. ADHD and anxiety can’t stay on task does odd jobs so he stays out late till 1-2-3 am sometimes later or doesn’t come home at all and won’t take a day to spend with his family puts others ahead of us. I just can’t 😢 I can’t respect that he puts his mom and helping her over us and everytime I try to talk about it he doesn’t want me to leave but he doesn’t want to do what we need him to do. I feel like a single mother already. I’m just so tired. The emotional toll this takes on me has me depleted and I feel like I can’t be a good mother because he’s constantly making me feel unwanted.
That sounds so hard, I’m so sorry. You gotta take care of yourself. Do you have friends and family? What do you need? ❤
@@YesJellyfish yes I do! Unfortunately my friends all moved away from my hometown though where I live and my family is limited and is mostly all toxic. My therapist has said I need to cut out the crazy people in my life. What do I do if that’s pretty much everyone I know? 😭😅 I also have borderline personality. which means I think in black and white if I put in the same effort he gives and just focus on me and my baby I will just end up losing feelings 100% for him and end up leaving him altogether. I haven’t gained control totally of my emotions yet. (I’m still working on it) so until I can I’m all or nothing. Just pray that I can navigate this while still maintaining boundaries and yet keeping relationships in tact that are meant to be there.
Women need to learn to appropriately use confrontation. This guy is going to ruin her financially and she needs to put her foot down!
In writing, give him a 30 day deadline. To get help…..( with proof ). In writing, list what will happen if he does not. You will divorce him. You will remove him from your health insurance. You will not give him a dime, except what is ordered by the court in your divorce. Before the divorce is final, he will not receive a dime from you. Send his family a copy of this letter, as well as him, making it clear of the lengths you have gone to for years to make it work. Also, stipulate that each….separately…….get marriage counseling with the caveat that once each month the counseling be for the two of you together. Until the divorce is final with court intervention, tell him that he may have the children at certain times, but that he must prove that the children are absolutely safe and he is not drinking. Be POSITIVE that you are informing his family of each step in your letter, so that they will not have any fuel to…..damn you.
Caller despite what you might think, this issue is not about you and your husband any longer. Your lack of upfront clarity with John regarding the things you've already said to your husband - you kept dropping more "oh I've already done that" through this entire conversation simply shows your willingness to tolerate the merry-go-round. News flash - there are some very vulnerable kids on this ride that you have completely lost sight of. Now it's time to be a real mother - your kids have an abusive, unstable, alcoholic father raising them EVEN IF IT'S PART TIME. Read that and let it sink in, you must step between them and husband. He is gone, and you now work exclusively to build them a stable future. If at some point hubby does get treatment he can see them again but not until he's stable. Stop sacrificing your children's future and mental health for your dislike of discomfort.
THE KIDS ARE AWARE OF THE UNCERTAINTY & LACK OF SAFETY & SECURITY. MY DAD WAS THIS SAME GUY. WE KIDS FELT / KNEW OUR MOM's FEARS, (same as yours,) EVEN THOUGH SHE TRIED TO SHELTER US FROM KNOWING. I KNEW FULLY AT 6-YRS!! I AM NOW IN MY 60's, AND STILL STRUGGLE WITH SAFE/SECURE! WISH MY MOM HAD MODELED CONSEQUENCES!
Once you were able to you should’ve worked through childhood trauma with therapy and other resources. Why struggle into your 60s
@@ashleycbla I've had plenty of excellent therapy for 24+ years. The issues of security & feeling "safe," somehow are there for me, nevertheless. Deep scars.
Ultimatums have to have consequences that you will follow through with.
The calls sounds great. I don't think the husband is a bad man, I just think it went wrong. I think this is salvageable somehow. The husband would have to own up to all of it and make some major changes, but I do think with alot of work this is fixable. It would take alot of self improvement on the side of the husband. Sad, a good man seemingly that just went the wrong way and kept going. It can happen to the best of us. Truly. BTW I never heard anyone call counseling prostitution. I heard it called rent-a-pal or rent-a-friend, (I don't necessarily agree with that) but not pay for intimacy.
Yeah I think he is working 16 hours a day to make up for his mistake/salvage the non success but the problem is the 16 hours is actually making him less productive because he’s stressed etc
He’s hiding at his job because that’s the only thing he can fix … as I say that John says similar “he’s getting reinforcement from being good at landscaping”
But he isn’t a bad guy .. he’s just a human trying his hardest and maybe doesn’t know how to operate it. This is a far better situation than a man who refuses to try and just gets fat and does nothing
He is a bad guy!!
He wants a momma to fix him
I can't help but think that if women seem to marry these kind of guys left and right, then when am I gonna get married since I'm not a selfish and abusive alcoholic?
Why would you wanna be married? Also, sounds like he was ok until he quit his job which further begs the question, why would you wanna be married? People switch up at the drop of a dime.
Because men were created to provide for and lead a family.
@@RepentImmediatelymen are lonely and d!3 faster when they aren’t married to a women.
This show has convinced me to never get married. Ive listened to nearly every episode and 95% of the time is the husband failing the relationship and being selfish. Why do people get married??
People with healthy marriages don’t call in. I wouldn’t take marriage off the shelf just because other people have struggling/failing marriages. It’s like an architect saying they won’t build a building because at some point in time there might be damage.
I believe it is wise to view these stories as opportunities to learn what you won't tolerate in a marriage.
Many of these miserable situations don't come out of the blue. They build slowly over time while red flags turn into dumpster fires.
Men don't really want to get married they only do it because they think they have to. Of course they usually figure out that they should have never gotten married because they lose almost everything
@@marlenekristin6730if 50 percent of the buildings fell down, I don't think they would.
@@jdl2180
The 50 percent comes from the same people. The number of marriages and divorces are inflated by the same people breaking relationships and starting new ones constantly.
It's like we can't leave each other's and we can't be without each others. hocked forever
One can always leave. I've ended relationships with boyfriends, friends, and family. Once you get the hang of it, leaving to relationships that aren't in your best interest is easy and invigorating.
@@RepentImmediately Good for you!
We hates each OTHERS xo
you made a commitment
Everybody suffers anxiety...we just have to deal
So true. So many people are taking basic life challenges and use it as a crutch. You are not special, get over it! Pay your bills! You have kids!
Drink like an alcoholic for a few weeks and see how much anxiety You have.
dumb comment. its not the same degree for ever one
It is true that when you have a business that there are no days off. If I am obligated to be at a conference room in Indiana, PA to teach a class, I have to be there. 25-50 employees have scheduled themselves to attend my class. They have hotel rooms and I can't cancel. I have driven through snowstorms and taught classes while I had influenza. The trade-off is that this company schedules me to teach that class every year. The invoice for the training is sizeable. Why would a spouse not understand that?
Please Dr. John, in these kinds of situations consider recommending an intervention by a professional from a therapist in a drug and alcohol in-patient treatment center. I have personally seen interventions work in "impossible" situations like this many, many times. I am not talking about a psychiatric facility.
This caller should look into whatever government assistance the family might qualify for, in the short term.
Understand, if you leave him, you'll probably meet someone just like him and wind-up in the same pickle because he's your type. You picked him.
This sounds like it's going to be a huge explosion. Getting money from the home to pay from the home???? Debt will pile up for the rest of their lives unfortunately
Ça là, c'est trop triste...
Bon courage à cette femme et sa famille.
There's no way out for her since she has co-signed all the loans. I feel bad for her.
She should not have allowed herself to get pregnant with an existing four month old while married to an alcoholic.
That was *HER* choice, and a really bad one.
“Triple stamp a double stamp..” God I love this guy. 😂
One thing forgotten in marriage is marriage isn't about yourself it is about the other person, when both aren't sharing & involved or can't communicate it is likely they'll fail.
Oh , he's choosing a fantasy 😮 Thats why his plan isn't working . He's delusional because of the alcohol and his understanding of responsibility . So glad this conversation is recorded so she can listen to it again . I sure learned allot .
It's all going to be her fault no matter what.
This is narcissistic abuse.
Get the divorce and move on, for the kids sake.
They need to grow up in a stable house.
Just watched the movie The Glass Castle,it was good!!!
People need to communicate. Have they tried going to consular for his drinking? She needs to put her foot down, and leave. If he doesn't want help.
14:23 yes. She did say WE. Because when she entered into the marriage, she entered into a partnership. She doesn't sound "into this" because she doesn't view him as the enemy. She sees him as her husband who is messed up. Man, Dr John doesn't give the other side of these calls even the smallest of the benefit of the doubt. He just casually tells these people to make like altering, catastrophic choices. All the whole admitting he doesn't have anywhere near all the information. I have a feeling he would not be so nonchalant if he were talking to someone in his life or something he cared about. I honestly wonder how many marriages how exploded because a wife got off the phone with Dr John and just threw down the gauntlet. Gave all kinds of ultimatums, and ends up alone and struggling instead of taking the steps needed to work on the marriage. Idk.......
Alcohol is a depresant. It creates many mental issues . That's why there is AA and case studies .
In Ireland or Scotland they call alcohol ** spirit's ** that's the issue making him confused or irresponsible .
depressant just means it slows things down, it doesn't mean it literally gives you depression
This husband’s got Charles Ponzi energy, except for his crippling anxiety. Not everyone is built entrepreneurship, but lots of people are built to blow their life savings chasing a dream if put in the right conditions.
It’s time for him to educate himself on how to do it properly, or get a 9-5 and make his family financially prosperous again.
Leave and do not have sex with him
This is (forgive me) the same tedious scenario that comes up time after time on this show - a married woman with multiple children whose husband clearly has issues and she's feeling miserable because of his behaviour. When will women learn that you can be with a bloke without having children and seeing how things go for a while and what type of person he really is and if he's clearly a nutter you're not stuck, you can just walk away, find someone new and start again. It's not rocket science!!
and she was with him for a while but then he changed, are your ears blocked ?
@@usernameheda Yeah but did he really. Im thinking he probably was maybe like this all along. Otherwise he would had probably not gone as far as he did with this new life he has going.
@@wonka4 guess you don't know until you experience it yourself, it's quite a common experience. Once people feel comfortable that they have an element of control over you they start to reveal who they really are.
This call makes me nervous about wanting to start a small side business lol… but I am imho a great dad and take care of all the bills…the side business wouldn’t touch my normal money so I think I’m okay. But i know the business would take me out of the house a bit more…
She's not safe.
The correlation between paying for sex and paying for someone to talk to/ listen to your feelings makes perfect sense. Maybe not to someone who’s comfortable with therapy/ has the privilege to have therapy, and definitely not to a therapist. But for him it’s terrible. This sounds like to me that a broken man finally has shattered and he’s only holding on to his obligations and not truly living. His drinking allows him to let go. This will only be resolved if both parties put effort forward. Not just wife expecting and husband “trying”. Both need to try.
Please end this hell for all of you now, you likely will be paying him support.