Why Some Family Scapegoats Repress Anger
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- Опубликовано: 13 сен 2024
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If you're the target of SCAPEGOAT ABUSE in your family and can't access appropriate anger (or what I call "righteous rage"), you will have difficulty setting boundaries and may struggle to recognize (and protect yourself from) harmful people and situations. In this video on scapegoating and repressed anger, I share clinical signs that adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse (FSA) may exhibit when they are carrying repressed (unconscious) anger, including physical and behavioral symptoms; I then share a trauma-informed exercise that has helped many of my clients begin to consciously recognize and experience repressed anger so they can begin to safely "unpack" it. To learn how you can directly support my research on FSA and my ability to offer free resources to adult survivors, visit my Ko-fi site: ko-fi.com/scap...
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💡Watch a related video on anger and "reactive abuse" (a term I don't like, btw - I explain why in the video): • Scapegoat Abuse and Re...
🔥Trigger Warning: If you feel activated watching this video, turn it off and perhaps return to it at another time or consult a licensed Mental Health professional. Viewer comments may contain descriptions of child abuse and neglect and can also be activating.
💡Rebecca C. Mandeville is a thought leader and recognized expert in abusive family systems. She is also the author of 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed: Help and Hope for Adults in the Family Scapegoat Role' and a clinical expert in RUclips's Health Partner Program. You can visit her website at scapegoatrecov....
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🔴 NEED HELP NOW? Being scapegoating can be extremely traumatizing. If you feel in danger of harming yourself, this is a list of international hotlines where you can speak to someone: blog.opencouns... You might also find some appropriate resources here via this site for people struggling with complex trauma symptoms due to personality disordered parenting, etc. outofthefog.we...
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Copyright 2023 | Rebecca C. Mandeville | All Rights Reserved
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I bought it from Google books
Just finished your book and I am in tears and rage and all the feelings I don't know
Search Dr Joe Dispanza if your interested in holistic healing that is guaranteed to transform your life.
In the narcissistic family, the narcissistic parent provokes the scapegoat until they react, often with a burst of anger. The narcissistic parent then claims to be the victim of the scapegoat, and appeals to the other family members for protection. The outburst is pointed to as “evidence” of the scapegoat’s “badness.” The scapegoat is shamed by the narcissistic family and conditioned not to react to the provocation of the narcissist with anger, which may lead to the scapegoat becoming dissociated from their anger over the situation.
Yes. My video a couple of weeks ago was exactly about this dynamic you are describing - this is the link, if you are interested: ruclips.net/video/yE0LY7xAX0g/видео.html
This is exactly what happened to me between my mother and sister than the rest of the family. Who does the family believe my mother of course. But they all say she’s a troublemaker, but they will still blame the scapegoat
Yup just happened to me a week ago. If you can leave, leave and find healthy healing. It’s totally worth it ❤
@@joannabrites9857haha I have noticed this in a dysfunctional family I know. Initially I was confused. Cos they all said the narc mum is the trouble maker. But no matter what issue comes up between the scapegoat and the narc mother - the scapegoat IS blamed. It left me so confused bcos they all said the narc mum is THE problem. But eventually they view her as the victim and scapegoat becomes as the abuser.
This “Don’t feel (insert whatever “negative emotion” here)” extends outside of dysfunctional families. I see & hear it often everywhere. People cite articles stating how these emotions cause physical illness, but then become dismissive when you point out that it is repressing these emotions that are causing the physical illnesses. Or they totally ignore the scientific/medical articles I would present. (I stopped engaging). It’s so wonderful to be able to feel (& express) ALL of my emotions. I have been able to release the ones that distress me so much faster now! There’s now room for the pleasant emotions! I had no choice but to go NC & LC with the vast majority of my family to get here though.
Was definitely NEVER ALLOWED to feel and show emotions, especially anger
I had a lot of anger…all at myself.
When I started unfolding the scapegoating, the anger came out.
Good to hear you could begin to release it.
Thank you, Rebecca.
I've always thought that my anger was pretty overt, but then you went down the list of chronic illness, self-sabotage, codependent, people-pleasing fawning, etc, and yep - that's me.
Some may be accessible, some suppressed, some repressed; as I often say, it is rarely 'black and white' when discussing complexities related to the human psyche. (And, you're welcome!)
As the former scapegoat in a highly abusive narcissistic family, I repressed my anger for most of my life (largely as a result of the gaslighting that made me believe at least on some level that I was the problem). However, since I put things together a few years ago and realized I was/am the victim of "Family Scapegoating Abuse", I now wake up nearly every morning with "Righteous Rage". Thanks for another great video!
Thank you for sharing and you’re welcome!
I can understand. I recently had to deal with my narcissistic sister & after 8 yrs of GR things went right back to square 1 however this time I have tool to keep me in tac but I will b out as soon as things r wrapped up. I can never go back to being gas lit, sabatouged, lied about & game playing as my life is too good to allow that back in my life. My narcissistic sister ran me off 8 yrs ago as I was caring for my Mother & took over her care; she did everything she lied about me doing plus & has been completely greedy as usual, so sad because I know for my self worth I must love her from a distance! Good riddance! 😊
I have often said that in my family there is one person who is allowed to be angry, one who is allowed to be depressed, one who is allowed to cheat on his wife (and nobody seems to ever say anything about it), one who is allowed to constantly complain (although she has a great job, great husband, etc.), one whose main communication style is sarcasm, but heaven forbid I do any of these. I'm supposed to somehow live a perfect life and never get sad or angry or criticize anyone. You used the exact words I've been using for years. It amazes me how much of what you talk about resonates with me. Thank you for your videos!
You're welcome, Jennifer. I can't remember if you read my book yet, but if not, I have a hunch that understanding the Family Systems piece as related to the 'Identified Patient' (backed up by decades of research) along with my own research on FSA might validate you further and offer even more clarity.
Welcome to our club of Goat's who live for our escape!
When I was young (20s and 30s)people used to comment on how incredibly patient I was. Even when dealing with really challenging situations. I now realize that it was because I was conditioned that any protest on my part to ill treatment or any desire I had for justice was harshly stamped out as a child. Any legitimate expression of emotion met with open hostility or cold withdrawal of affection. This taught me that I had no personal power and no rights. It has taken me decades to learn to cautiously express my opinions without that panicky feeling that I will be abandoned for being real. I too didn’t realize till I ended up meeting a counsellor at about the age of 20 who gently told me that the way I had been treated as a child was not normal. I couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy. I just knew I was deeply defective. I couldn’t recognize my anger. I also struggled at that time to feel any emotions. So I looked at other people to see how Normal people behaved when they were sad. I now am in touch with all my emotions and continuing to heal in that regard. Until I could feel hurt for myself, I struggled with feeling hurt for other people.
@@northerngaltrue I'm so happy for you, that you learned how to express your emotions at your young age. It took me until well into my 30's to begin allowing myself to feel. And then it was a learning process over many years thereafter. Bravo! Enjoy every one of those emotions, even the ones we run from at times.
What I’ve noticed is if I make a bold move or have an opinion about anything it is always frowned upon in a variety of ways. ALWAYS. I even do experiments on my family because I know they will take the bait. Examples; ask them to call me (they won’t), give a cool and unique gift for Xmas or bday (returned), start a group chat (denied) ask a bold question (will not be answered)! It’s actually kind of fun. I NEVER get mad when they sent me these things. The old me would have got mad. The new me does experiments on these jerks. It’s hilarious!!!! Try it
I have been told constantly by my family that I don't have the right to be angry, literally. No matter how much they've hurt me or if they're in the wrong, they will always use those words about my lack of "rights" in a situation to silence me.
They'll always claim they have more of a right to be angry than I do. I have a hard time expressing my anger, and it's not just because of things like this. I've always been shy, and I have a hard time expressing myself because of fear. When I do express my anger, I'm mocked, I'm shamed, or they double down on their horrible treatment.
You are so right on about this.. i was so punished for expressing anger and have suppressed and repressed it over the years. Finding ways to express and accept my anger has not been easy.
It is indeed a journey, and not a quick process. But awareness is the first step!
The absolute rage I felt toward my covert narcissistic mother in my mid-forties was insane. With my car windows rolled up so no-one could hear me, I would drive past her workplace on the freeway and scream at the top of my lungs that I was going to “kill her;” and I continued to release all of that pent-up anger every time I got behind the wheel - particularly when I was on the freeway.
When I was at home, I would tell her off into my pillow so my neighbors couldn’t hear me. I would also envision myself grabbing her by the throat and slamming her head into the wall while strangling her. This episode went on for several weeks until I felt a lot of the repressed rage leave me. It took another 5 years for me to finally go no-contact with her and my FOO.
After that episode, I finally understood how a man could murder his mother. Before that, I couldn’t fathom it. Now when I hear or read about a son who murdered his mother, I understand why - and it doesn’t faze me one bit.
"Righteous rage" is a powerful thing, indeed...
Rebecca, unfortunately YT has censored my comment - so I’m going to delete it since no-one will be able to see it. I used this comment to describe how repressed anger can work in someone who has experienced long-term narcissistic abuse. My understanding is that this is part of the process of releasing the repressed rage. It is so sad that YT has taken this out of context.
@@elizabethd.2398 it's still on utube. I gulped but understand.
Like Gypsy Rose Blanchard. I remember thinking how she didn’t really deserve to go to jail. It was so unfair what was done to her and this was the only way she could think to make it stop. 💔😭
I see your comment here, no problem, Elizabeth. This happens a lot on YT, I hear...who knows why?(!)
In my family of origin, I wasn’t allowed to be angry. Wasn’t allowed to show even the slightest sign of it in my eyes. A “how dare you” approach was taken if I had even a glint of it in my eyes. Anger was seen as entitlement, and I didn’t have any rights lol according to my upbringing. The micromanagement of my thinking and feeling was extreme. I could do no right.
I learned to go blank and hold it in - the equivalent of playing dead so they’ll leave you alone. Then I could find a time to go to my room and feel what I felt.
Many here will likely relate to this (me included). Thank you for sharing. Not sure if you identify as being and Empath or not, but if you do, you may also find this video helpful: ruclips.net/video/j2lhgSMiTQw/видео.html
Thankyou l am 70 and have been the scapegoat all my life. My covert mum.
I find anger hard to express in my so very proper fake family.
It has taken all these years to work this out and only recently have gone minimal contact with siblings and no contact with 98 year old mum.
I have had enough !
I am now really sick with an autoimmune of my liver !
And very severe heart failure.
When l was listening to this my liver started to hurt.
Thankyou for helping me on this very long journey.
I wish l could have heard this year's ago.
Perhaps things with my children and there relationships would have been different as l now see them struggle.
It is hard to stand back and let them work it out.
I just want to also say my 53 year RN career has never been acknowledged by my siblings.
So F... them all.
You're welcome - take these videos slow; perhaps stop and journal as you check in with your body's 'health-seeking' signals (trauma is stored in the body, as I mentioned).
Thank you Rebecca. My mom is covert or malignant,dad high functioning anxiety. I was and still am aftaid to show or even feel ANY emotions. Especially happiness.
You're welcome. My FSA research suggests this is true for many who are in the 'family scapegoat' role.
Oh no, if I -- the scapegoat -- displayed sadness, I was mental institution commitment worthy...call the paddy wagon now. And if I were angry, the buckets of shame drowned my mind so I could not longer own myself. And oh the retribution for responding to a savage attack on me for being depressed. There was something horrifically irreparably the matter with me. I was sometimes told that I was going to be just like, Richard. Then the statement, "Richard is the one that invited us girls into the bedroom." (A legacy passed down, but I was 11 years old and barely knew what s=x was.) The list goes on. The projection so used as a weapon and me as an example, that my mind was so damaged. I had left my body so many times, I could not get back in and centered. I had zero sense of self other than the horrific and I could not deal with that. I had to take responsibility so at 16 years old committed myself to being a scholar of psychology to figure out what was wrong with me and correct it. I was very glad it was me and not my family system or mother that was the problem. That's because I knew I could not control others, but could only control me. No one...especially my mother meant to. It was passed down.
The Projective Identification aspects related to FSA are powerful, whether systemic or individual. Thank you for taking the time to share a bit of your journey with us here.
Thank-you for your much needed knowledge and research! As scapegoats we were never allowed to be upset or angry about anything. Always had to pretend that everything is wonderful.
You are so welcome!
That was my situation exactly!
I have always been angry about being the scapegoat and I expressed it. Even with you explaining it, I can't wrap my head around not being angry about it and not expressing it. I recently found out that I'm a Fire Horse according to Chinese astrology....this describes me to a T. I am the Fire Horse! I used to have temper tantrums as a child. My mother would always talk to my older sister's about me in front of me, as though I was not there. When I was in a "temper tantrum", my mother would say to a sister "Just ignore it" and if I fell on the floor due to oxygen deprivation my mother would step over me. The very last time my mother went to beat me with the belt at 10 years old, I wrapped the belt around my arm and challenged my mom with an enraged face. She backed down, the terrified look on her face, I discovered my power. She NEVER tried that sh*t again! I began to stand up for myself everywhere using my new powers.
Inspiring example of NOT having trouble accessing anger! Curious if you feel you were going into a trauma-based 'fight' response, or it was just in your nature not to put up with any crap...(!)
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse That's a good question I've asked myself. I am just hard wired to not accept it although I have tried to put up with it, which always resulted in my forces coming out.
Upon further reflection, I have been in a fight state for 57 years😢
I was never allowed to have any emotions by my family and was beaten whenever I expressed any type of anger.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I just found out that I'm on the spectrum.
I'm aware that I have a lot of suppressed anger maybe a layer of repressed anger that I try not to feel . My covert narc mother used to scream at me that I had 'no right' to be angry if I ever expressed any - all the while listening to her rage about pretty much everything every day . I feel that if the anger ever started coming out that it would never stop . This distress and insomnia make me look 10 years older than I am now . I'm hoping my next life will be better than this one .
Yes, a good, albeit painful example of not being allowed to have or express anger.
I don't feel anger. I feel rage. A rage so all-encompassing I struggle to find "appropriate" ways to express it. What I want and need is to scream in my mother's face at the unfairness of it all. The worst part is that it wouldn't accomplish a thing. There is no closure, so there is no end to the rage.
Understandable. I mention what I call "righteous rage" in this video. You also may want to watch this video of mine here on that subject: ruclips.net/video/mKxelQqKQN4/видео.html
I can relate
Rage I can barely contain at this point
My experience is that adults with repressed anger, also have squashed alot of intense emotions. I don't feel safe around people that have such control. There is a sense that they are trying to dominate me or that they feel superior. There is also a lack of warmth surrounding them, sometimes they are in positions of power that do children and adults harm. Being 'nice' is a chilly and undesirable trait and is not being authentic, and dangerous to those around them who are vulnerable
I can see how that would be in some cases. However, what I see more often in regard to adult survivors of family scapegoating abuse is anger repressed due to the 'fawning' trauma response, as described in this video.
I don't want to be around 'nice' people but 'kind' people are another whole story. I like being around those that are kind.
As always, this resonates! Hugely! So many "identified patients" seem to be sent to the therapist for "anger". Thank you for your recommendations --- especially Rumi!
You're most welcome! Yes, I am sure far more were sent to therapists for 'anger' versus 'sadness' / depressive symptoms. Anger is far more threatening to families that scapegoat.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Yes! I was thinking that too after I wrote that. How tragic, if the abusers can abuse to a point where the target fears expressing anger then they are at a tough place. As always, I can't thank you enough for your work!
My pleasure!
Oh, I can't wait! You're getting the revolution started! “The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he’s in prison.” And I'm happy to be a part of it!@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
You're one of my favorite people on RUclips! ❤ Listening to you, I'm always astounded how you're able to put my experiences into words. Outstanding work. The validation is healing. God bless you and your mission! 🙏🥰🌹
Thank you, Kyrie, much appreciated!
You're welcome! Just finished your survey, as well. Looking forward to the results!
I'm going to give a sneak preview in my video next Saturday.
I don't feel anger, just intense hurt and sadness. I don't know why I don't feel anger. I can only speculate: being made wrong for so long I have just bought in; feeling helpless to change anything so what good will anger do; knowing I'm not perfect and maybe I deserve it; being stupid.
I also wonder what is considered anger. Is it the same as annoyed, offended, upset?
Perhaps this video will spark something in your unconscious and more will become clear over time. That has happened with some clients of mine, btw.
Nancy, I really relate to your thoughts and feelings. Well put. Hugs!
What is the anger is so stuck in the body. How do you release it?
Hi Joyce, I hope you saw my reply - I did answer you directly.
I can not thankyou enough for bringing this topic up. Up until my college days i could vent my emotions only in the form of tears of helplessness and sadness. (Which was a lot). Luckily i got an escape by getting ỉn hostel for my college studies where i learnt behaviour from normal kids around me that i should be angry for what was done to me.
I am a soon to be mom and i am still struggling to calm down my inner scapegoated child.
I am trying my level best to grey rock my parents out of my life. Thankyou so much for making these vids . They are a huge part of my healing journey. Love from India.
You're very welcome - thank you for sharing your story with us and am glad to hear you are taking care of your younger, wounded, and vulnerable 'parts'!
Thank you Rebecca once again for your clinical work and your survey research. It is so encouraging for us, the family scapegoats, to know that this plight will be revealed to the public. I suffered with repressed anger for so long that it turned into serious health disorders. I repressed because it never felt safe enough to express my hurt and pain to the raging narcissists. When I finally got in touch with my anger and was safe in my own space, I became proficient at using profanity! 😊 It was so unlike me and considered so taboo but it had therapeutic value for me. That meant that I did not use the words at people but consciously only in my space to release deep pain.
I imagine many here can relate!
Whatever works😀
I feel just enough anger to leave but truth gets me to the same result (to leave). 😊
The families of scapegoats will be outing themselves if they ridicule a family member now that genie is out the bottle on this form of abuse. Excellent work Dr Rebecca 💕☮️🙏
Much appreciated, thanks. However, the reality is that scapegoating families who see a therapist talking about this form of abuse will usually be labelled 'crazy' along with the 'scapegoat child' (!)
Thank you! I was so confused in my early 20’s and I thought I was a bad person bc when I moved away to go to college (which I paid for myself) I was very angry with my mom for the first time and I didn’t understand why? I was her emotional support and favorite child and also the last born of a large messy blended family. I was everyone’s favorite punching bag and objectified. I’m thankful I was able to get away and be low contact 40 years ago, but I’m just now able to process my wounds and my anger. I cuss my journal out a lot.
You're welcome - and glad to hear you are able to journal about your anger!
You should not have to be your mom's emotional support person. It should be the other way around with the parent providing emotional support to the child. No wonder you have anger.
I did not come to the realization that I was a scapegoat until the last several years after my mother passed away. She was also the scapegoat, and it really explains after her death, it was full on me. My now elderly "dad" is a malignant narc. Absolutely horrific. I have full and half siblings; half from his cheating. All of his sons are narcs just like him. When I was about 10 years old, my 6 year old brother took butcher knives and swung it furiously at me, trying to kill me. Parents not home, at work. Many times escaped to neighbors. Sometimes in bad weather with no shoes or coat when neighbors not home. I would call my mom, she did nothing because she was afraid of my dad. He laughed and thought it was funny and encouraged my brother to kill me. There is SO much more, my dad is full on trying to destroy my life present day.
Glad you recognized what was going on, and hope you are in a safe place!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse even at a young age I just knew things were not right. I was the truth-teller. Before my mom passed away, she apologized to me and it was something that ate at her. I took care of her in her last days and I was there when she took her last breath. I knew she was going to be okay! We had a bond. I have tried over the years to have a relationship with my dad but it just got worse every time I let him back. I'm in my mid-sixties now, and it's just over! I believe he is dangerous, and definitely my brother. I put security cameras up around my house. It is a really terrible situation, but I have my own life and I don't need that. My husband and I have health issues, and we have to focus on ourselves and our kids and grandkids.
Once I started to uncover all this a few years back, I felt so much anger and rage. As someone that prided themselves on being the kind people pleaser, I flipped into what I thought was a monster. I feel like I've had an anchor on my ankles my whole life limiting my growth and opportunities. It's so validating to hear videos like these, thank you. I was of course painted as a mental case for daring to question my role as skapegoat and trying to leave my narcassistic family system.
I call this anger the FSA adult survivor experiences when they wake up to what has happened to them in their family 'righteous rage'. I address this in a video here: ruclips.net/video/mKxelQqKQN4/видео.html
I’ve never been one to hold back my anger… I think that’s why I’m physically healthy. I have “lost it” mentally at times due to narcissistic abuse( including suicidal ideation), but I am definitely recovering.
I’ve noticed most of my worst abusers have morbid physical health problems…
I definitely think bottling up your feelings, but especially trying to suppress others feelings (the scapegoat’s) is physically self destructive as I can see this first hand in my worst abusers (they have heart failures and cancer). I think they may have earned it through abusing me 😅
Narcissistic mother always told me that anger is wrong. And, I was told I was too sensitive as well as this: “you shouldn’t be angry about that”. As a result, I dismissed my anger or I talked myself out of it cause I wanted to “be a good girl”. I basically learned that I had to not allow my anger to show, so I stuffed it. On into adulthood I stuffed it. And, I carried it inside…ready at a moments notice, to explode. Finally, at 22 I started therapy and probably a year in, a coworker and I were talking and I confided in her that I’d entered therapy. Her response was “ I’m glad. I noticed a change in you…you seem less angry” 😱😱. Can’t remember my response to her, but she then said “ you were definitely a very angry person”. Wow was my internal response. Didn’t know it showed.
Very applicable story. I hope many read it. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience of anger. (Mine was much the same, btw!)
I didn’t think about anger until I listened to this. I learned very late in life that I was actually being abused. Before that all I tried to do was get these people to love me. My mother did some very hurtful things and I just let them pass. My anger got bad when I educated myself on what actually happened to me. My vagus nerve was getting triggered and I’d end up in the emergency room, it was so scary I thought I was having a heart attack. I have to say I’m pretty angry right now, I guess I need more time. Thank Hod for you.
I'm glad this was helpful - sounds like you are now on it!
I'm 15 months woke to my Narcopathetic families sadistically Catholic AGENDA & can forsee ANOTHER 30 months of growth to then go Special KEITH on SUPER Nova on my famdamnly of so called loved one's...
Rebecca,
Good morning.
This gentle way of facing repressed anger that you speak of, I find so helpful.
For me, this approach to the "wow where does that come from?" anger has made me aware how much I lived in the "fawn" response as a way of life. No wonder unhealthy relationships were in my life.
I have had a STRONG aversion to others I saw as codependent. I had no idea it was part of my own trauma response to behave with those same tendencies.
It's been a 'gentle as rain' awareness for me. That gentleness in its self has been so helpful.
Thank you Rebecca Your work and your kindness have helped me to see the pathway to discovery and restoration. I have found comfort and encouragement in the whole process. I appreciate you. Jane
Hi Jane, I remember when I had a similar awareness once. It takes courage to look at hard truths about ourselves (and our own projections that often feel 'ego dystonic'). You obviously have such courage.
Thank you.
Courage is good.
In scripture you often read "take courage". I picture it as taking it right from the Hand of God.
I have written down 1000s of memories from my childhood and youth. Among other things... my parents often beat me. Today I understand that many of this times, they did it mostly because I got angry when I was treated badly or unfare. Not for what I had done. So... yes I have anger that I´m slowly is getting rid of and healing from since many years now. It is so good to know why
Not sure if you saw this recent video, but it somewhat reflects the dynamic you mention here - see if you relate: ruclips.net/video/yE0LY7xAX0g/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
Listen just now. Yes, recognize most of it. Very much. Understood early in my life that I was alone and had to grow up quickly. When I realized that everything was not good at home. Should just look good. So I was home as little as possible when I was in my 15-20.
My father hit me from time to time when I reacted. The last time I hit back at the same spot as hard as I could. Was 17-18 years old. That was the last time my father hit me. My first and last time for me to hit anybody.... Was prepared and he understood that. My mother had stopped physical violence much earlier
Understand today that they tried but could not take me down or break me. Never cried or begged
Hello Rebecca
Just this morning repressed anger walked in the front door and made "herself" at home BEFORE my first cup of coffee!
I recognized it this time. I was kind to myself after the surprising group of "words" flew from my mouth. Grabbed Pete Walker's book on complex PTSD....read some. Deep breathing. Processed in my journal with my comfort pillow in my lap like a small child. I ask the Lord to help me. While writing I gained clarity...tears flowed as I saw the cause of my anger. I comforted the little girl and the big girl of me.
The self-critic had no voice in the situation. Equilibrium returned. Ate some good 🍉.
Then your video came.
Thank you Rebecca. Anger use to scare the sh_t out of me bc I in no way wanted to be like my parents.
The poem is good. You have mentioned it before. Very fitting.
I sure do appreciate you.
Thank you, Jane
That is an amazing example of synchronicity, Jane. Dr Carl Jung would no doubt say that such an experience confirms you are definitely on the right path in regard to your healing and growth related to recovering from FSA.
I hug a pillow too! I thought I was silly for doing it, but it made me feel a little better, so I keep doing it.
I hope you are doing much better, Jane.
Pete Walker's books have been eye opening and very helpful I think. Still vasililating on is ignorance better.. lol
I think the anger is a warning signal that something was really wrong. All that emotional pain from being the family scapegoat that is festering inside has to come out somehow. Then you get told you can't feel that way or you need medication. I remember back in the 70s they said depression was anger turned inward. They had us beat pillows with batakas to get the anger out. They never got to the root of it though.
I absolutely agree - Anger can be a signal in regard to family scapegoating abuse (as well as what I call "righteous rage") - And a health-seeking signal, at that!
This video resonates with me as I deal with my 94 y/o mother who has dementia and I am now believing she has always had narc tendencies. I was the older between my brother and me by 16 months. Our father passed from juvenile diabetes when I was 9. As children in 1960 we had no idea of the gravity of his disease; just that he would give himself “shots” (insulin) and occasionally be short termed hospitalized and come home. He never came home from his last hospitalization. The phone call came from the doc one school morning and I happened to be home. Apparently, it wasn’t unexpected news for my mother, but it was to me. My brother had already left for school.
My mother announced to me that my father had died. My first 9 y/o thought was the fear of being what I called a “half orphan” (one parent now). I kept that thought to myself as I did with most thoughts and feelings. I was always the compliant child, unlike my younger brother. I thrived on stability.
My mother was always a professional, high level secretary. I only remember being at a babysitter’s house having to play with someone else’s toys. Once I started school I always went to a babysitter’s house, not to my own until my mom got home from work.
A year and half after my father died she remarried and she and my step dad soon had a “love child”. She claims she stayed home for a year before going back to work. I have no recall of that situation. Soon enough being 11 or 12 I was thought to be old enough to become the caregiver of my 2 brothers. That became my role and responsibility, but with no authority or power. This negatively impacted my own motherhood experience because I could only relate to my immature responses to my brothers and resentment of being deprived of normal teen years. Yes, I moved out when I was 18 and continued destructive choices for a decade.
My dear husband knew of my experience and when he witnessed my mothering meltdowns with our toddlers (3 kids in 3 years) he sat me down and explained why I responded to them as I did. I was required to fulfill a role at too young of an age without any modeling/training and I was resorting to situations from what I knew how to do. Fast forward…..
15 years ago my husband and I began caring for my mom as a 2nd time widow who still lived in her home (which we bought her). We attended to all her maintenance of her house, counseled her financially as she would allow, take her to doc appts and advocate for her, meet all her requests, etc. She and we lived out of state from my adult brothers. Of course, there is a LOT more to the family dynamic story….fast forward…..
2 years ago she needed a part-time care giver because I couldn’t do it all. Subsequently her health was failing because she was 92! She was becoming more demanding. I was still the compliant child in her mind. At an ER follow up visit to her primary I requested a SLUMS test. She scored 20/30 which was dementia early stage. She had already presented to me with delusional thoughts and paranoia toward my husband and me. My brothers deny it could be. I had been POA until I set a boundary with her and she reassigned the “love child” as POA on all matters. The caregiver had become increasingly injected into my mom’s personal family matters and began directing her thinking and affirming her delusions toward us. My brother, being out of state, defers decisions to the caregiver. BTW, my mom chose to go into assisted living so she doesn’t really need a caregiver, but she continues to pay her for all these other things being done.
A couple of months ago I recognized the narc characteristics and knew I had to go “no contact” for my own protection. Now she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t feel anger like you said. I DO feel pity for her and frustration to those she surrounds herself with who believe she is all about love, not bitterness. I have forgiven her because that is my choice of therapy.
It can be the case that one is able to move into what I call 'radical acceptance' of a situation. If you didn't relate to any of the symptoms/behaviors I described in this video, perhaps this is true for you.
Or maybe I am just not there yet.
I am so sorry about your dad! My youngest son was diagnosed at 14. He is now 30. He almost died at diagnosis from ketoacidosis. He did really well until his twenties and then he started having a lot more problems. His girlfriend saved his life three times! It's now under much better control. It was very difficult back in those days for sure. I grew up with a very malignant narcissistic father. He is still alive my mom passed away several years ago. She was afraid of him. I was definitely a scapegoat, but didn't realize any of it until after my mom died. There were a lot of criminal activities going on behind my back, and many other things that went on over the years. Some of them I had buried and they're coming back to the surface and now I understand what happened. I have been very angry, but I am still the truth-teller and I refuse to have anything to do with him or anyone around him. We do the best we can! Sending prayers for you and being a caretaker for your mom. That is not easy! Especially when they have these tendencies. My husband also suffers from dementia.
I have found it very useful to sing and especially dance out my anger. It's a fairly safe and non-threatening way to express pent up emotions, including sadness and happiness as well. I discovered how well it works when I was reparenting myself at the toddler stage, enjoying stomping in puddles and the ocean. Yelling at the beach when there's nobody around is great too!
I just made these very recommendations to a client 3 days ago - exact same ones!
I too Sing. In my suicidal teens I was so mad @ GOD & the world itself that I could only pray & or talk to GOD thru the tears of my sung prayers.
@@keithstewart7514I’m glad you found something that helped you get through that, and I hope it continues to be a comfort to you. So many of us had to figure out how to survive on our own. Thankfully, we’re never really alone.❤
Oldest daughter - scapegoat - diagnosed with Fibromyalgia in 2018. It's been a slow but steady trot towards goodness since
Glad you're here. You may want to watch this video to see if you relate: ruclips.net/video/ytSdn8nQCBg/видео.html
Ditto oldest daughter scapegoat diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2010. Also had gall bladder removed and used to suffer severe migraines before I started having flashbacks and nightmares and long repressed memories return. 4 1/2 yrs no contact. As more time goes by and the fog and chaos and confusion from being gaslit and told I was crazy lift and as my memory of the way it really was returns the nightmares and migraines have subsided and as I continue to watch the videos and learn and do self care my severe pain in my neck and back are almost gone. I used to be in constant pain and took a lot of medication. Now, just being away from the situation and meditation and soaking in epsom salt baths to heal my nervous system are enough and no more pain. ❤ The videos and going no contact and self care!!
Exactly! For those of us who grew up in very “nice” scapegoating environments we were the only ones in the home not allowed to ever express anger. The expression of anger would result in us being cast out emotionally from the pack. Learning to carefully express my own authentic emotions is a terrifying but liberating journey that I have to experiment with day by day. For those of us who never got the benefit of parenting that allowed our anger to be expressed in a non judgmental way while patiently and lovingly teaching us how to express it properly have to learn that process as adults. Sometimes it’s clunky, but it’s necessary.
Very well said. And all too true. Thank you.
"Toxic Shame", very real! You question everything about yourself. You are judged by those who have no clue the assaults you have experienced.
Yes. You may want to watch my video on toxic shame here: ruclips.net/video/OBo4ky0ADTU/видео.html
I’m angry and in disgust most of the time. Ironically just like them.
It can happen. Here's a survivor resource list I put together in case you are looking for some support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
You can never express any emotion especially anger when you're the scapegoat. You can't say anything to take up for yourself or anything negative about the narcissist, even constructive criticism or the rage will begin. In my case, at 47 years old I finally said something suggesting for her to get some help with her anger or mental illness and that caused her(my mother) to come charging at me hitting on me. When i say nothing I mean nothing you can say in your defense or this happens. I finally decided to go NC. Life is too short to be serving one person who will never appreciate you or anything you do for them.! You will never be good enough and because of her me and my kids do not have good relationships. She would constantly talk about me to them so they do not respect me at all. I actually heard her say one time "your mama doesn't love you or she would wash your clothes". I did wash their clothes so I didn't understand it and couldn't understand why she would want to hurt their feelings like that. Man, how did I get so lucky to grow up with such great parents? I dunno.
It never ceases to amaze me what we are expected to put up with from someone who shares our DNA. Glad you're here. Linking you to an FSA adult survivor resource list I put together in case you are seeking additional support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
❤ I have one regret: I came across this video four months too late to participate in your research...Thank you for your work and these videos. ❤
More research to come…I announce research surveys in the Community tab here on my homepage.
My technique for getting in touch with my repressed n suppressed anger is called Breaking Bad. I go into the woods where no one is around and I collect about 10 broken tree branches and I break the branches against a solid big tree. It also hekos to use profanity toeatds those that hurt me n scapegoated me.🌲🌳🌲
Sounds effective! I sometimes have clients who have access to a place where you can put on safety gear and throw / smash dishes and glasses. They find it very satisfying, to say the least.
That sounds amazing!! Nothing feels better then releasing righteous anger. Thanks for all your videos and helping us 'family scapegoats" feel validated for once in our lives!!! Greetings n love from Canada!! 💗
@@kelliebilinski Thank you - and right back at ya!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabusethe bottle bank!!
.... something I've been calling "screaming silence".... with no idea how to express. Ive been writing more than not for almost 50 years. Am a truth teller and 'escapegoat'. Who has public platforms.. Been useing, best i can for where in at. Just realizing, all kinds of ...been educating and feeling. Remembering..some things staring to make sense yet.. accepting the unacceptable.. cripes..as a scapegoat.. Almost insane... All because I helped, out of the kindness of my heart.. that's not feeling so generous. Or trusting or safe.. Breathing 👍
Thank you for this. Peace 🕊️
You're welcome. If this is resonating with you, you may want to pick up my book on FSA, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. In it, I call accepting the unacceptable "radical acceptance."
Once as a teenager my horrid mother goaded me so much, I was at the cutlery drawer and I thought I could grab a knife and stab her and kick the sh&t out of her- I’m was a 15 year old schoolgirl. My father was standing beside her all the time. She revved up and wracked up her abuse, in a split second, I stopped myself, I somehow knew it would end very badly for me. She knew exactly what she was doing- my father stood idly by- that’s the day I swallowed my anger and took to dissociating instead, I used to be like a genie sitting on the magic carpet ( a cartoon I remembered) I’d sit just above my head and hoover as she savagely ranted at me, when I sat in an old armchair in the kitchen- this was after school.
Some time before she died, decades later, I did reconnect with my anger but I did not act on it.
My mom was a covert n my dad a overt n
Mine was the exact same way. I was also the scapegoat, and my 3 brothers and 2 sisters were golden children. Imagine the insanity!😮
Wow... it was the exact same with me. I had no idea how common it was, I never really had a life in the forst place because the abuse
Now every single one has their own unique way how to justify their previous behaviors. Such an unfortunate fate...
Same - I was scapegoated whenever I stood up for myself, attempted to individuate, set boundaries or seek accountability (or, at least a discussion about how I feel about certain injustices.)
What’s the difference?
For the longest time, I struggled with the weight of repressed anger that would occasionally burst out of me, causing further turmoil in my life. However, as I've grown older and wiser, I have discovered the powerful healing effects of mindfulness and conscious breathwork. These practices have become my lifeline in dealing with the anxiety, stress, and even the physical pain and ailments that have plagued me for far too long.
By embracing mindfulness, I have learned to confront and release my pent-up emotions, allowing me to find a sense of peace and liberation within myself. Through conscious breathing, I have found a reliable tool to manage my anxiety, to alleviate the burden of stress, and to address the bodily pain and ailments that were once overwhelming. It's truly remarkable how these practices have transformed my life.
Thank you for letting us know. My clients are finding vagal breathing very helpful, especially when triggered. Some people do get triggered by mindfulness practices early on in their recovery so I start them with the vagal breathing. Vagal breathing was inspired by an ancient yoga practice called pranayama, btw.
I'm not sure what it is that you said, but something hit me about this video. We, as the abused have the knowledge and the intellegence to see through what was really going on with these people. I, today, made a decision. To reject those people just as they rejected me as a child and labeled me as "having a problem". Yes I did identify as having a problem and being one for a time. I just couldn't drink the cool aid. It was like doing so at a Jim Jones reunion, really. I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your work, your book and you videos. I've changed my mind completely about their relevance in my life. Playing games with a child's feelings is such a blow below the belt. And I'm glad that I've held on this long to hear you speak on this hideous abuse. My adopted brother's family controlled my mother. It takes a long while to see these things, but I did. And I am proud of myself for being honest with myself about how horribly deceptive they were. I only identify with my father's side now who passed young. But my memories of him will be my only family. My only one I will ever refer to as "family" again. It's such a relief to finally understand just how ugly inside they truly were. Perfect on the outside. Rotten on the inside. Where it really counts. My Dad was a good honest man. He passed at 39. Probably due to the coolaid they tried to get him to drink. Ill only refer to that pack as the "Swindlers". They swindle people out of their Truth. But Not this one.
Sounds like "radical acceptance" to me. Something I reference often in my work.
Two minutes in......... I AGREE ! Much misunderstood and under-appreciated emotion.... I sooooo agree
"Anger is an Energy!" (Johnny Lydon aka Johnny Rotten, from the song 'Rise'). Great song, you can watch the video here: ruclips.net/video/jPj-8_wOZcA/видео.htmlsi=dMBTfam9hg1GkzOw
It's amazing how much the scapegoat can repress, i never knew until very recently how common is. In my family, I was conditioned since i was young to accept the behavior and never to question it. I literally couldn't comprehend the concept of a loving family, all i knew from the start was relentless verbal abuse whenever someone needed someone to take their insecurities out on. All the while i didn't have the slightest idea this abuse was happening, that it was happening because i was unable to defend myself from it and that it would continue and progress, to extreme extents, for the first 30 years of my life. Now i am left without the basic social skills to so much as even make friends or find a partner and all i get from every single member of my family is one unique excuse after another, usually centered around how I'm blaming my problems on everyone else around me. It is a very sad reality to accept that as soon as one breaks free from this kind of unacceptable behavior, they may be left with literally nothing and no one
Fortunately once I broke free, I discovered amazing skills I have repressed my entire life. Such as a deep understanding of psychology and sociology
Indeed. Sad. Tragic. Heartbreaking. And entirely unjust.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I truly appreciate the empathy. Not one average Joe out there can understand what it is like to be the family scapegoat. Very frustrating world we live in
Yes, primarily it is turned inward as that is also obviously socially acceptable.
So, attempts at control on one end to freezing on the other end , often both result in self sabotage which in a way is seen subconscious perhaps as a means of action while in a freeze state.
Being in a freeze state, fear and anger together, it's a bit of that self destruct weapon one may see in movies vs an unfair predator or enemy for example.
So, self sabotage, when feeling there are no other ways of reacting or fighting back against something, then at least a action is taken, but against oneself, so someone is unleashed upon, but it is the self, however, as an adult Noone is responsible for the repercussions or cares or knows.
The other symptoms I have experienced as well.
Yes - so often anger that is repressed does indeed get turned on the self. Until one has more awareness and can work (or 'dance') with it consciously.
I'm sure I have all the forms of anger you describe but choose not to act on them. Growing up with brother's who derived pleasure from triggering me to a point of rage was not a pleasant experience by any means. I find myself puzzled as an adult, now considered a senior, that these men, all over 60 now, still behave in the same manner as they did when we were children.
Mom was just a person who avoided all emotions, be them, positive or negative, which is what I consider neglect. I still feel uncomfortable even giving the woman a hug or at least I did, 3 years ago, before going 'No Contact'.
I've tried on several occasions to write a book about all the madness that I experienced in my life but as soon as I get started it becomes far to uncomfortable to tap into all the memories that caused the pain and repressed anger that I have held onto for decades.
I guess that's is what you would consider toxic shame as I feel somewhat responsible for not being able to protect myself better and then behaving in ways I consider unacceptable but didn't really know better at the time. It was all very unstable & embarrassing to say the least. Cheers
I'll be doing a video on repressed anger and toxic shame and another one on repressed anger and guilt - stay tuned!
Our stories sound very similar.
As long as it was family abuse, it's a free for all. Molester and beyond.
Thank you for your videos, I feel like I can finally make sense of my situation.
You are so welcome. Here's a list of survivor resources I put together in case this is new to you: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
I had a bad cough every night and in the mornings for a year.
Ive been working on a new PT modality, and I think it somatically released some emotions. I shouted all the abuse i suffered for years for at least an hour, and haven't had the cough since.
Louise L Hay talked about how the body parts are connected to different emotions. According to her, coughing is related to unexpressed emotions. I completely agree.
You might look up information on the 5th (throat) chakra as well. Sounds like some energetic clearing may indeed have been going on.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Thanks, I'll look into that!
If I was happy, I thought I was’ better than them’.. if I was sad or quiet, they labeled me as moody.. you can’t win with these kinds of people. I finally began feeling anger (many years later).. I used to feel guilty about it but now I don’t, it’s good to let it out.. the guilt is slowly disappearing.
The ability to access anger is such a critical part of recovering from scapegoat abuse, I have found. Linking you to a related video here: ruclips.net/video/mKxelQqKQN4/видео.html
I've got the anger. The righteous anger. Ooooohhhhhhh man, do I have that anger! The problem is that I can't get past the anger to feel the things stuck underneath. My anger is my shield and protects me from the demons in my 'family' I am unable to break free from. I've put up with decades of this garbage, and I'm working to heal with my counselor and books and videos. I'm so tired, exhausted to my soul.
Thank you very much for this video and this channel. I feel immensely validated! Thank you, thank you, Rebecca.
Thank you for this video, Rebecca. This is so descriptive of me. When my mother would provoke me when I would ask her about her behaviors, I would get angry and act out when I was very young. One particular time when she was beating me, I went after her in reactive abuse by pushing her away, she would smile so evil and strangely get eerily calm . She would tell me to grow up and wash my face like nothing happened. Then sometime later, I would overhear her tell another family member or neighbor of what I did to her, but, her description of it was actually twisted and of what she had done to me! If I would tell the truth of what happened to that person, I would get more abuse from her and the person I was telling. I learned to go grey rock before I even knew it was a thing. I quickly learned to anticipate her mood swings and started to hide, suppress my anger and strong emotions. I also, had asthma that would get triggered by strong emotion too. She would provoke me to asthma attacks just to get sympathy from neighbors and others from me being sick. So, again, I repressed anger. Sometimes my expression of anger would be grief and sadness; usually in private. If I would express them to her, I would get ridiculed for that as well. I would be called a whiner, too sensitive, and told to grow up. I did have a tendency to fawn and had to be a "mother" to my mother and younger sisters. I, now, have learned to give myself permission to acknowledge my feelings , especially anger, and give myself permission to feel them. I have had to reparent myself. I have a strong prayer life and give it all to God and then work on validating them and what I learned from it to heal. Thanks again Rebecca!
You're welcome! Based on your comment, you'll want to watch this video here: ruclips.net/video/yE0LY7xAX0g/видео.html
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I just listened to this video and thank you so much, again. I struggle with so much guilt and thought if only I would’ve done this or that then maybe it would’ve been better. How wrong I was. Thank you for deepening my understanding of what actually happened. The more I listen to these videos, the more confirmation I get to stay no contact. Blessings to you!
Good to hear - Thanks, Wanda.
The work you are doing publishing this information is literally save lives.
As a scapegoat survivor of a narcissistic mother I had two choices: total enmeshment or total abandonment.
Thank you. To learn more about FSA, I suggest you check out the playlists on the home page of my channel here; the Community tab here; and my book, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed'. I also have free resources on my website, scapegoatrecovery.com.
Speaking of repressed anger as an underlying reason for suicidal thoughts is something I have not considered
Another way to think of it: 'De-pression' (pressing down anger...)
I want to say thank you so much and I appreciate everything you have been doing here. I'm was so confused now I have a place for questions to get answersred. Funny I don't even need to ask myself. Thanks again ❤️
You're very welcome. Thank you for supporting this channel with your membership. Do visit my website and check out the menu; I have an updated resource list there: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thankyou. My heart and soul will heal and my greatest blessing is I am not them and have a relationship with the Lord God. What lies ahead without them,my wholefamily, is way!! Better than it was with them.. My Mom said the last few Christmasses we had, just her and I before she died,, we're the best without fights andfear. I miss my Mom so much but she is dancing with Jesus an d happy. I will heal and your loving wisdom really helps God bless you!
I am very glad to hear it. And so glad that you already know such healing is possible.
Thank you, and thank you for being someone who follows through here on RUclips where you actually share/post what you said you would - the Rumi poem ❤
You are so welcome - Glad you checked out the poem. One of my favorites.
This is it! There’s only one person at my house that can have the tantrums or rage (my mom) and when it comes to me everybody comes to attack because I’m being “dramatic” or my personal favorite: “I’m picking a fight and I should shut up because I’m always being disrespectful”. So I learned to avoid my “big emotions” like anger, and sometimes I want to smash and throw things (or just scream) and let myself feel that anger but I can’t “do it” so I just sit there. Something that you mentioned was feeling stuck in my recovery (13:30 to 14:00), and yes that’s me, I feel numbness and apathy towards myself and other things in certain periods of time. I sometimes go into a “f*ck all of this attitude” and I turn into another human being. I’m going to start the journaling exercise that you suggested and I’ll see how it’ll go. Again, thank you so much for this. It really has been a blessing in my recovery journey. ✨
You're so very welcome. I do encourage you to read my book on this form of systemic (family) abuse, 'Rejected, Shamed, and Blamed', if you are having such a strong response to my videos. Keep me posted as to your progress - deep healing from family scapegoating abuse IS possible.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse I have it on my amazon book list! As soon as I read it I’ll touch up with you (and to keep you informed of my progress), and thanks for the encouragement. It means a lot to me! 🤍
Rebecca, you come across very genuine in your videos. Thank you.
Thank you, I appreciate this.
I LOVE that Poem !! ❤ Hi Rebecca, I self sabotage by procrastinating. I know I do it, more so since moving. I don’t know why I do it… but I’m a Pro. I don’t think it’s from anger though. When I’m angry I’ll meditate, journal, and I always do Qi Gong, get my energy moving. I recently started writing poems. I never sat down to write a poem. The words come to me, and I write them. Afterwards I realize the poem expresses something I’m feeling, or something I’m inspired by. So not sure why I procrastinate.
Something to ask yourself is what are the consequences of your procrastinating. Is it hurting you somehow? Someone else? Or...?
The procrastination is so irritating. For me, it’s a fear of failure that just keeps me stuck.
I thank God for you. You’re a treasure .
Thank you. 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌹🌸🌸🌸
Wow, thank you!
I like the bit about people pleasing that can switch to anger. I have repressed anger but I normally don’t get angry and it’s bottled in, while my friend who has a similar scapegoat experience can very quickly switch from being people pleasing to one person to being very bad tempered and straight forward with another (could also be described as a temporary fit of mini-scapegoating?)
Yes, responses can definitely vary!
This speaks to me. My parents were angry. They always instilled that we should work. They'd get so angry at us for wanting to just have fun. Emotions were stifled and the house was tense growing up. Thank goodness I found this channel. Thank you so much.
Thanks for sharing - glad you're here.
You are 💯 percent correct. Best channel I have come across. Thank you.❤
Wow, thank you!
New subscriber here. I was and still am the family scapegoat and had forgotten or repressed it cause I’ve just not talked about it with anyone. Your videos are a blessing to me. Thank you!
Good to hear - and good to have you here!
Thank You Rebecca. The wisdom of the human body is amazing. As I was watching your video, I became aware of pain in both of my ribs. It brought back a childhood memory of being involved in a car crash. The car in front of us indicated right and then turned left. Our car was written off and as a result of the incident, we all suffered various injuries. At the time, I was being driven to take part in a swimming competition.
After putting my hands on my ribs and thanking the pain it then went away. The car crash wasn't really my fault
Wow. Amazing! Thank you for letting me know.
Rebecca I got in touch with my anger early this morning. Instead of being the target I have retaliated with a preemptive unexpected scathing text to a sibling. 'I am not here to make peace'
Truth is a sword. It divides...
Wonderful video and really helpful exercise, thank you!
This is very helpful thank you, I'm planning on going down the path of accessing my emotions wherever they are currently numb in other to process the pain and be able to experience healthy emotions again.
Good to hear. Take it slow!
Thank you Rebecca 🙏
Thank you, I have expressed my anger and sense of injustice. And I’m glad I did. 😉👍🏼
You’re welcome 😊
I knew i had a problem when i didnt feel normal unless i was under attack or in a stressful situation.. I felt i was at my best when I was in these type of situations. Being the scapegoat i learned how to defend and defeat my toxic family friends and people at work. But when these toxic family members turned on my dying parents I absolutely lost it. I went ape shit on them and now they have ghosted me and im glad they did it..😂
I wonder if you have a 'fight' (complex trauma) response (versus fawn/submit, etc) and perhaps are more in touch with boundary violations and angering situations.
I’m very aware of my anger, always been. But I was told how “wrong” I was by religion. In 12 step program I was told it was a guarantee of a relapse so I thought anger was a liability that needed to be gotten rid of, like, yesterday!
True for so many who exist within oppressive systems, great or small.
Thank you Rebecca
You're very welcome.
Thank you for this video, I think anger has been a key issue for me all my life. Sometimes the lack of anger, or not accessing my anger. Sometimes the guilt when I do feel and express anger. One therapist I went to told me that I was so afraid of my own anger because to me it seemed to mean a danger of being abandoned would I express it. I was never physically abandonned so I had some difficulty relating at first. But I can see very clearly now how my mum withdrew emotionally the times I expressed anger and stood up for myself. I was reduced to an aquaintance and there were always this coldness to it. I couldn't call her out on it because it was mostly subtle and she would have accused me of being sensitive. If I did try to approach what was happening she forcefully pushed me away. It didn't take much, just her look and tone of voice. I knew exactly where I stood with her but no one were to put it in words. As long as I understood that I deserved the treatment I got.
When I couldn't help myself but cried about it to my sister she said to me that she couldn't see anything wrong in my mum's behaviours. And that I probably was depressed and should take some responsibility about my mental health and not be so negative about taking antidepressants. I was not negative at all about medication if needed but I wasn't depressed. Apparenty my mum had told my sister that I was and that I refused to take medication for it.
Very insightful comment. I wanted you to know that I will be doing a few follow up videos to this one down the road, including a video on anger and guilt and anger and abandonment; also anger and trauma bonding. Stay tuned!
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse
I will definetely watch those videos! Very good topics all of them. I'm looking forward to it. Think I have a trauma bond to my mum and it's so very compicated when it comes to expressing anger with her. It always end in a traumatic feeling with a lot of anxiety, more anger and lots and lots of guilt. One time it happened I was early on in my pregnancy. Started having bleedings the day after and it went on for three days, thaught I was having a miscarriage. Fortunately it didn't happened but I felt so strongly then that I couldn't go one in the same manner with the relationship that was so wounding at times.
Seems to be commonplace for narc moms to others things that simply are not true. They are rather boorish aren't they?
to tell others
@@janegreen5301 Yes indeed they tend to be. And in the case with my mum there's just so much manipulation going on. It took me long to realize that it was the case. Growing up she often pointed out how others were manipulative.
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I had so much anger as a teenager im pretty sure i got it all out of my system by raging at the world. Therapy gave me perspective and tools. I found out by accident my mother died twenty years ago, i cannot grieve. I feel nothing about it. Except, i can sympathize with her own upbringing and i do feel for the child she was who was emotionally deprived. Common empathy i think. But I feel no pain. Maybe im an emotional rock now lol
It could be that you have reached a place of radical acceptance, hence no pain. Just a thought. Glad you're here. Here's my resource list in case you are seeking more information and support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/
Thanks
Much appreciated!
We only found your channel today (through another video) and answered your poll which was still up. We hope that's ok.
Both of your videos resounded deeply with us. We were diagnosed as a Dissociative Disorder System (DID to be specific) about a year ago. While our former hosts believed themselves "slow to anger", we've come to realize that anger was "repressed" into other parts. Those parts knew they were angry, but the host at the time did not. Mostly because when the anger was triggered, one of the "angry parts" would come forward and express themselves. Once everything calmed down, they'd fall back into the inner world, others would deal with the consequences of the angry outburst by the "angry part," and then the host would take front again, unaware of anything that had happened.
You talked in your other video of the martyrdom of the narcissistic parent to the scapegoated child how the infant might (for whatever reason) refuse the breast... And we were wondering if you had been a fly on the wall of our infancy/childhood.😅 Being born in the early 70's, breastfeeding was not the norm, but we remember the mother talking about how, when we were 3 months old, she had an infection that required her to take an antibiotic that was not recommended for nursing mothers. So for 1 week we were forcibly weaned, but when the course of antibiotics had been run, we refused to return to breastfeeding. Oh! She blamed the doctor for putting her on the antibiotic, but she said in the same breath that we were too lazy to return to breastfeeding. How is an infant with undiagnosed AHDH & Autism "lazy?" (As female wouldn't be diagnosed with ADHD until well into adulthood, and we are "peer reviewed" Autistic (we have several friends who are Autistic and they have told us that we are Autistic, and after a lot of research & consideration, we accept their "diagnosis"...)
FSA & FST? Yeah. We know them all to well. ❤️🩹
You (all) might be interested in a channel I feature here on my home page: www.youtube.com/@thisbetheverses
I have a hard time accessing my anger and I think it's partially because I tend to doubt my own perceptions. When friends of mine have strong reactions to things I tell have happened or been said to me in my family I often get a bit surprised. It's like I'm still in that gaslighting state thinking it's somehow my fault or just me being sensitive. At the same time I'm very aware of the family dysfunction. I wonder sometimes in what degree my mum was aware that she put me down and made me feel guilty and very insecure of myself. Was she aware about how unprotected and exposed I felt when she triangulated. If she did those things intending to hurt me and stay in a powerposition I can't see how she can claim to love me. It doesn't make any sense. It would be very sad but somehow easer if she could just say the thing I feel to be true, that she doesn't love me.
I have been so preoccupied from early childhood to assure her of my love because she didn't seem to believe that I did love her. Now a part of me wounder, was it her not being able to love me and projecting that on to me.
That's a 'white rabbit' I myself would follow: Your last sentence.
"Get a journal and write abouut situations you've been thorough AS IF THEY HAPPENED TO SOMEONE YOU CARED ABOUT." Well, that is telling. Please pardon the 'shouting' but that part bears special attention because it is the nature self-abandonment and dissociation I guess, not to see when it is right in front of your face. To disavow and/or disown feelings that are a part of ourselves is to abandon part of the self. ugh For as many times as I have been exposed to these ideas they didn't really seem to hit home. Letting them in can be slow.
Part of how abuse survivors cope is to have defense mechanisms in place, such as denial and minimization. Going slow is a good idea, trusting that one will wake up to painful, difficult truths when ready.
@@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse been keeping them at arm’s length but my arms seem to be getting shorter. I hope you’re right about the being ready part.
Follow the wisdom of your nervous system. The Vagus nerve is designed to protect.
My suppressed anger would come out after I had too many mixed drinks. I've gotten my ass beaten for it. I've been arrested. I ultimately destroyed my future.
I had no idea I was living out the script of the identified patient that was given to me.
I'm detached and don't respond anymore. I've accepted the intergenerational evil that gets passed down, only not through me. I never married, never had kids. The curse ends with me.
I was nothing but angry during the abuse, now i just get angry if im in contact with anyone in my family 😅
Makes perfect sense to me (!)
What is strange is when I don’t realize that I am angry, I just may be listening to music, I start crying and what is the best thing is I realize I am angry, once I cry the anger subsides, why do you think that happens? Bonnie. 🇨🇦❤️🕊️ 16:35
Not sure, but based on your comment, it sounds like you *do* realize you are angry, but perhaps you do not realize it in the moment - which is okay. Look up Rumi's poem, 'The Guest House'. Also his poem 'Bird Wings'. They may bring you comfort and insight at this time.
Thank you!! Namaste :-)
Anger would be wasted as it wouldn't make them see reason. They have a type of mind blindness. I'm indifferent in a healthy way.
As long as it is not repressed then that's a good thing in and of itself. "Indifference' sometimes indicates 'radical acceptance' of a situation, btw. For others, they are actually numb and disconnected from their emotional experiences.
@beyondfamilyscapegoatingabuse Rest easy, it's not repressed. I'm just a realist. I place my realistic expectations on viable relationships, not irrational and delusional people. In other words, authentic.
I am soo sad when I listen to that video. I have been always very connected to my emotions but this is the big AHA. I thought my anger is a problem but never felt it because I thought is destructive.
Glad the video opened up a new awareness for you.
I never thought I have right to be angry because I do not see any problem!
Awareness is indeed a critical aspect of learning to recognizing our true experience.
I am very grateful to have discovered your work. Can’t wait (and at the same time I’m a little scared to) read your book. I am 54 now and find emerging rage utterly terrifying. I don’t feel I will hurt anyone, including myself, but it feels like my entire conscious self is about to be shown to be a sham somehow. My older sister is expressing all kinds of “unconditional love” (in her mind very pure love and support) as I am going through this crisis and all I can feel is manipulated and somehow even taken advantage of - though I have no evidence to support this. I seem to feel this a lot. I’m suddenly, after basically trusting sincerely every person I’ve ever met it seems, feel a strange distrust of everyone. I’m afraid now that I am going to volunteer myself as a scapegoat. I trust this is a healing moment. As the rage comes closer to consciousness I oscillate between enormous rage (and feeling blind power), or total exhaustion- presumable because my unconscious is shelving the rage for a while and it’s consuming all my energy to suppress it. It’s quite confusing.
Very grateful to have discovered you Rebecca. Thank you for your work.
Your "entire conscious self" is real - but may be more of a 'survivor self' that was developed early on in response to family scapegoating dynamics. It did its job: It helped you to survive. But that is now not enough. As feelings emerge, a more authentic self may emerge as well. I hope you find my book helpful. Take it slow and give yourself time to process. It is a short-ish book but very dense. Many people have told me they have read it multiple times and get something new out of it each time.
I was allowed to be depressed and be the one in therapy but never allowed to be angry.
And we know that often depression is 'de-pressed' anger (or what I call 'righteous rage' due to scapegoating injustices - video here): ruclips.net/video/mKxelQqKQN4/видео.html
Oh I feel anger. I feel hurt as well but def anger. I’m very low contact with two family members. It has been 10 months I think. I just stopped speaking to the two who have treated me horribly my entire life. I have no intentions of spending any time with them again. Maybe one day. But right now I’m still angry
The anger is understandable. Not sure if you saw this video already but linking it here in case you missed it: ruclips.net/video/mKxelQqKQN4/видео.html
I’m piecing together this life I thought I was the problem my entire life. They have been beating my head since I was a baby. They have said so many mean things and my sister was using me all my life too. I couldn’t see it. I was too fractured and an alcoholic and sex addict but all of it was my fault and the rest of the family was right. I didn’t even know that the father told the whole family that I’m the bad one I just lived thinking I was bad my entire life even with others it was me lol. Yet I never lied couldn’t lie I never was bad I cared for them and others. I couldn’t see any of this lol. 47 years and I lived a life of a simpleton with anger issues lol. Turns out the self is not angry not even hurt I was always here waiting to get rid of the programming so I can cut ties with those losers and move on. Like this part of me was always here.
This video may help you better understand what I call the 'scapegoat narrative', which you appear to have been subjected to, based on your comment: ruclips.net/video/syjUNqa1lNc/видео.html
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I definitely would love to participate in any research family scapegoat abuse
Next survey will be released next month. They are available on my website for 6 weeks once published. You might sign up to my newsletter to be notified at scapegoatrecovery.com.
I feel incredibly angry at my 3 sisters for deserting after my 29 year old daughter’s tragic death by a hit and run driver and numerous serious illnesses. They only engage with me in trivial group texts, in frequently. I am asked them for help on numerous occasions , especially as my marriage is in trouble and I am living across the country and have no support here.
I did say, “ I feel that I was buried along with your niece - my daughter. What have I done to cause this ? “ I know I did nothing to cause their neglect, but was hoping maybe I could hear something truthful / real from their point of view.
I'm so very sorry to learn of your tragic loss, compounded by the disengagement of your siblings. You sound like you may be in need of some targeted support. I'm linking you to a list of resources I put together - the private Facebook group run by Rhonda may be particularly helpful at this time; I've heard great things about it. So very sorry to hear it. Linking you to a list of resources I put together if you are in need of such support: www.scapegoatrecovery.com/updated-fsa-recovery-resources-2023/