Is it Okay to Have Close Friends of the Opposite Sex When Married?
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 20 апр 2020
- Is it Okay to Have Close Friends of the Opposite Sex When Married?
In over a decade of counseling and coaching couples, one issue that comes up over and over again is concerns and conflict over friendships of the opposite sex. Is it okay for individuals who are seriously dating or engaged to have close friends of the opposite sex? What about individuals who are married?
I’ve got some thoughts about it and That’s what we’ll talk about today on RelationShots!
DOWNLOAD A FREE GUIDE TO INTIMACY
www.altaredmarriage.com/
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Instagram | / altaredmarriage
Facebook | / altaredmarriage
Twitter | / marriagealtared
Website | altaredmarriage.com
RESOURCES TO STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE
www.amazon.com/Magnetic-Marri...
SPEAKER REQUESTS
Want to have Eric speak at your conference, retreat, event, or date night?
www.altaredmarriage.com/connect/
SUPPORT THE MINISTRY
www.altaredmarriage.com/support/
This is why my marriage ended. My husband shared his emotions and difficulties with a “platonic” female friend. They became close and it’s still platonic, but he ruined our friendship in our marriage. He assumes no sex and it’s fine, emotional cheating is worse for me. I lost my best friend. It’s easier to confide in others with constant validation and no conflict. I had to worry about the kids and business. She told him whatever he wanted to hear.
Hey l lost my ex wife to her family. I was in your shoes once. My ex was telling our business to her family
@@angelgarcia-ht9bl Mine too. Well, to coworkers and family. She would not say anything to me, but it all became apparent when I heard a friend of hers talking about something intimate that only my wife and I knew. That's when I found out my wife's carefully I-keep-it-all-to-myself carefully built persona came to and end.
Sorry to hear about your marriage. I agree how it's important for married people to not share personal and intimate kinds of problems with opposite sex friends alone. When a married man is having marriage problems, he shouldn't talk to a female friend alone about the marriage problems because that can easily lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment, which can easily lead to an affair. When a married man talks to a female friend alone about marriage problems, and the female friend comforts him, helps him, supports him, etc, it can easily lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment, which can easily lead to an affair.
I think if a married man is having marriage problems, it's best for him to talk to trusted and level headed male friends about the marriage problems and/or married couples that have good marriages about the marriage problems.
That he’s just a friend or she’s just a friend has ruined a lot of marriages over the years… Do Not Allow it folks
Beware of the word "JUST". It is the leading word in the Cheater's Handbook.
100% agree with everything you said. You are playing with fire, by engaging in close opposite-sex friendships. It is only a matter of time before your marriage will be jeopardized.
Everyone who thinks it’s okay for your bf/gf/spouse to close friendships with the opposite sex… *I’m kinda routing for you to get cheated on.* *Keep in mind that “Just a friend” or “They’re like family” has an amazing track record of ending relationships than any other entity known to mankind.*
@standground7956 A friend of the opposite sex in the confines of a relationship/marriage causes more infidelty and affairs (emotional or physical) than any other circumstance. Don't allow it in the first place. NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM IT! You are literally handing the devil the keys to your relationship/marriage by allowing this. The world viewpoint says a person is insecure, controlling, jealous, abusive, manipulative for not wanting their spouse to have any friends of the opposite sex! I CALL IT BEING PROTECTIVE OF YOUR MARRIAGE!
i used to have lots of male friends and my ex hated it, he thought all of them would secretly f me.. guess what? As soon as we broke up, every one of them came onto me. I havent had any close male friends after that for my own sake. My bf now has more female friends than me lol theyre all like sisters or friends who happen to be female, according to him..lucky me..
@@anoninii I agree! I’ve never known a male who had a female friend that he wasn’t trying to hookup with or have a friends with benefits situation.
@@anoninii Ever hear of Karma?
@@anoninii Tell him to break off those relationships. He's playing with fire.
It’s a much more serious problem if the “friend” is a former love interest and is in very frequent, secretive communication with your partner, but you are judged as jealous.
Yeah, former lovers are very dangerous for relationships!
I just got accused of this and put in the very jealous corner. Actually the opposite is true. I am the most easy going, confident partner you can imagine.
Tonight I am going to give her the choice; either me or her former lover. And I am willing to walk away from it if need be.
it doesnt matter, men always approaches women not for friendship
I don’t find anything wrong with being jealous. Be jealous over what is yours and don’t let anyone else take what should be reserved for you in your relationship. Maybe this is a “crazy” opinion but gimmie a break folks… jealous in this context means to be protective of one’s possessions or rights.
Why would you say it's a serious problem, obviously it didn't work out with them. What or whom is making the communication secretive? If your lover/ spouse is telling you they're communicating with their ex most ppl have a reaction to it. Question is are they having a sexual conversation? Why do you feel threatened? Do you trust your lover/spouse.
No. I was not only the husband who was betrayed but I was also the other man to a married close friend wife. In my case as the other man, I didn't intend on anything, after spending too much time, it literally "just happened". Folks, basic biological and emotional attraction doesn't just stop when you're married. You need boundaries for a reason.
Say it so the people in the back can hear you! You hit the nail on the head, more people need to hear this, the people who don't want to hear this or agree with it are the ones doing it, so they justify their behavior as being okay when it's not. Affairs don't start in bedrooms, they start with a conversation. Most couples met this way, so that should be the first clue of what can come next. Princess Diana said it best... "There were 3 people in this marriage, it was a bit crowded" -Yes Ma'am.
You sure are right! 👏🏼
@@RelationShots Another big red flag... You took a Vow to Love, Honor, and Cherish your spouse, so you should not be having a "cherished" relationship with someone else. Honor your vows, love your spouse.
@mobopolo. You're right spot on with all you said.
A girlfriend and I was just having this discussion! I thought it was more about trust issues and didn’t think about robbing one another of emotional intimacy! I appreciate your wisdom in that.
beingtransformed1 Yeah trust is usually the big area of concern but I think the emotional intimacy side of it can even be more damaging
Yea, how dare you get in the way of an emotional relationship with a friend 😂😂
My sentiments exactly 💯. I have always said that it's impossible to have conversations with someone on a regular basis without some sort of emotional impact, even if the emotion is anger. It usually takes conversation to spark emotion more than anything (although sometimes emotions are sparked visually), and the more you converse, the more emotionally attached or detached you become with a person.
You typically don't become emotionally attached to someone you don't engage in conversations with.
Grace, peace, and blessings to you.
👏🏼👏🏼
Amen to that !
Our emotions really do get out of control.
@En2Hair. Correct. Isn't this how relationships start? Your own conversation with a spouse i.e. dating, etc..?Constant conversations and emotionally connecting? Why do people think that there's nothing wrong, or nothing can possibly go astray if no boundaries are set re the type and frequency of these emotional conversations esp if kept secret from the spouse?
As a bachelor a married co-worker gave me her number without asking for it. I knew the emotional dangers that could open so I threw it away. I think she got the message when I never called her.
She was actively seeking another man. You did right by not taking the bait.
@hwd7171. Congrats you did right. Yet I kept asking how my spouse couldn't see the potential emotional dangers but accepted a strange woman's phone number he didn't ask for, yet kept it and called her later. Even told me once that's how you make friends, meet people incl those who reach out on FB.
Same happened to me a multitude of times and I did exactly what u did
Absolutely this. My ex fiance would turn to his women work friends instead of me to discuss everything, even problems he had with me that I didn't even know existed. Just like I didn't know these friends existed. It completely robbed us of any emotional intimacy and eventually it became easier for him to turn to them than me cuz once I started finding things out I was angry and he was scared of arguments and why fix things when you can run from them. Ten and a half years down the drain and I'm still left wondering why he'd do this to us. But he doesn't think the lying and secrets and emotional intimacy count as emotional cheating and puts that on me bring controlling or my past trauma. No, the second you're turning to someone other than your partner for your emotional needs AND your partner doesn't know about them you're emotionally cheating and destroying intimacy and trust with your partner, point blank.
I totally agree with you. Exactly same happened with me. I was labelled as jealous, insecure and controlling. So I walked.
I agree completely.
same // he claimed to the end that i was being crazy and insecure and projecting my past relationship traumas onto him,, bet it was never the case..I never ever had a man before who would have female besties and who would be so attached to them@@newzealand_travelstories_a8684
@danidynamite2 Did you ever confront him on why he would discuss personal things with other people? That seems a bit too much, at least to me. I really don't get people who do this sort of thing... telling others what you ought to be telling your partner. Mindboggling to me.
@@JakobslanderIts because you aren’t a safe trusted person. People will only share with people they feel safe talking to.
Agreed. Thank you for the insight. It seems that the spouses that maintain these relationships will shame the other spouse by invoking the "insecure" flag. It's an easy (and lazy) way to disregard the logic of what you've presented here.
That’s true, often times attacking another as insecure is a tactic used to keep doing what they know isn’t healthy
@@RelationShots Wow. You've actually said that. SHOUT IT OUT for the world to hear. Especially to those spouses who "invoke the "insecure" flag"
Calling a spouse "insecure" is the #1 phrase in the Cheater's Handbook
@thelawyerchad It's shaming. When you hear anyone, ANYONE, trying to shame someone else for expressing their feelings of displeasure for anything, that's shaming. Don't let anyone shame you out of expressing your feelings.
I love how you addressed it will rob your relationship of emotional intimacy. COMPLETELY agree!!!!! Our spouse is the one we are supposed to be sharing our lives with, good, bad, all of it.
Kari Shone Good, bad and ugly for sure!
You all probably dont care at all but does any of you know of a tool to get back into an Instagram account..?
I somehow lost the account password. I appreciate any assistance you can give me!
It was very polite how you didn't just say no. A man's only girlfriend should be his wife and woman's only boyfriend should be her husband. They are to be each other's best friend. When a very dear friend of mine got married I no longer made any contact with him. What happened to ''forsake all other?'' The marital union needs to be respected. I've worked in communities where a man will not even look at a woman not his wife. His loving gaze is only for his woman.
I too ended semi regular communication with a male friend when he got married. We were very close for years prior, never dated or were sexually intimate- but I loved him and felt it was best to let his wife have him 100%.
Your attitude is PERFECT!
You are absolutely correct about this and anyone who says no is out to have an affair outside of the marriage!!! Thanks for being honest and not kissing ass!!
Glad you enjoyed!
This is called wisdom, I wish many married people would care and protect their marriage.
Absolutely!
That’s what we need. Wisdom.
@monicabane5182 A marriage needs to be protected like your life depends on it because it literally does and the devil will do anything to tempt a person to infidelity and an affair. Having opposite sex "friends" is playing with fire in the confines of relationship/marriage
Agree. Never a good idea. Seems that anybody I ever knew that had an opposite sex close friend while dating or being married ended up divorcing or breaking up. Slippery slope.
Scott S You got that right bro!
Some people divorce because same sex friendship. Some people divorce because evil family members. Only toxic is people need to shut thier mouth & be christ like.
No pushback at all! This is spot on! Ruined my brother in law’s marriage! Him & his high school sweetheart saved themselves for marriage. Within a year, they had friends of opposite sex. He left his wife for a young lady he was video gaming with. That young lady left her husband for him. They are married today but they don’t game together at all! This topic almost ruined my marriage as well. Great clarification on why this doesn’t work! Usually people are too selfish to look at or admit the possibilities.
That’s sad to hear, but always a danger. I just don’t see any benefit with opposite sex friends 🤷🏻♂️
All that and they don’t even game together. Sheesh!
He was the one who left. He made that decision. Same with my 2 exes. Their are some evil Same sex friendship. Same with family members
Good stuff! As you said it comes down to wisdom. It’s just not wise to foster a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Save yourself and your spouse the heartache of broken trust by devoting your all to your one. 🤗
Mike Banas Preach Pastor, preach! Is it the wise thing to do is always a better question than “can I?”
Nope. Close friendships or opposite sex is a bad deal. I don’t care who disagrees
This topic can be expanded as well to those who are extremely close to relatives. Rather than having tough conversations with a spouse, they run to have the tough conversation with those who will agree with them which can sometimes be a family member. An application of the leave and cleave principle.
True. Definitely gets messy when there is not a healthy severance of some of the emotional and relational ties needed for a proper “leave and cleave”
👍
You absolutely nailed the issue. I went through this with my spouse and a coworker. I believe exactly the same. Very dangerous to a marriage, more than some realize.
Same sex friendship can be dangerous too & even family member too in a marriage.
This is exactly what happened with my wife and a coworker/boss which ended up in an affair. Nearly destroyed our family of 4 kids. Still working thru the recovery process. Absolutely do NOT allow any conversation or situations of opposite sex in any work or side situations. It will more than likely lead to something at some point.
Sorry to hear about that, but glad you are working through the recovery process. Hopefully you’ve got some community or counselors involved in your recovery
@@RelationShots Tried counseling. Unfortunately she is showing Narcissistic traits, no remorse for the other kids or spouse, no empathy, no accountability. Just doing what she thinks is best for her, regardless of who it hurts. I don't know this person anymore.
@@jmcfadden8033 Sorry to hear that…very difficult when there’s no willingness to acknowledge how it is impacting everyone else
@@jmcfadden8033 Sorry to tell you but if she's showing narcissistic traits, it's a long uphill battle for you.
I would start slowly separating myself from her.
This is a great explanation. It side-steps the whole 'You're just controlling and insecure." response that inevitably comes up and perfectly summarizes the true reason opposite-sex friendships just have a feeling that is wrong.
They’re not all inherently wrong but I definitely want people to be aware they can impact our relationships negatively in other ways beyond just physical infidelity
I absolutely agree this is a major factor in the emotional intimacy quality of relationships. Even with same-gender relationships whenever one spouse shares every aspect of their thoughts and day in a group text with "friends" they have nothing to give to each other at the end of the day. They actually think they told you things that they actually shared with their other people. But opposite-sex friendships are very problematic.
I would agree
Nobody has been able to voice my struggle with this better than you. You have described my current situation perfectly, where my partner is constantly engaged in group texts and shares every detail of her thoughts and emotions in these chats with her friends. I feel less emotionally intimate with her since I feel like she’s opening herself up to multiple people constantly. How do I express this feeling I get without looking like I’m trying to influence her friendships?
@@Doe924 I would just suggest that you express what you feel like is missing between the two of you and what you would like to be happening. Ask if there is anything you do that makes her feel like she can’t share the same way with you. If she doesn’t think you want to have those conversations then she will know you do. If there are things you do or ways you respond that make her feel more safe sharing with friends, then she may feel more comfortable sharing that since you asked
I'm a Christian man with morals! It's called you have "respect" for the other person in your marriage or relationship. It's not "control". You never put yourself in that place/position.
@brianyerger583 Haters would accuse me of being old school saying I'm being "abusive, insecure, jealous, controlling, manipulative for not being able to trust opposite sex "friends" and guilt tripping me saying "Don't you trust your girlfriend/wife?" - Yes I do, but I also know that men very rarely befriend a woman that they don't have feelings for. It's too risky and the devil will open all the doors to infidelity and an affair. You bet I see any so called opposite sex "friends" as a threat in the confines of relationship/marriage. You're playing with fire by having them. I'm also a Christian man about to enter his 30s waiting on God's timing for a wife. The only opposite sex "friend" you should have is your spouse. Sadly most of my millennial generation doesn't seem to understand this concept.
@brianyerger583 The world viewpoint says a person is insecure, controlling, jealous, abusive, manipulative for not wanting their spouse to have any friends of the opposite sex! I CALL IT BEING PROTECTIVE OF YOUR MARRIAGE!
It does provide an emotional fulfillment outside of the marriage that creates a disconnect with your spouse. Anyone telling you that you are being controlling or jealous is being disrespectful and abusive to you. I'm sorry if you have experienced this before. That leaves a person feeling neglected and lonely even though the "partner" is physically present. And that is not a good feeling to have. My heart goes out to you. Take good care of yourself and find a healthy person who will respect that emotional bond with you. ❤
I struggled with a man whose mother supported bonds with the opposite sex while we were together, even herself maintaining friendships with his female friends. She has male friends outside of his father. He grew up like this and unfortunately thinks it's normal as well. I tried to tell him this was wrong and hurtful to me, but only ended up getting heartbroken and abandoned. We have kids together and I don't want them to be taught this. I was made to feel like I was wrong somehow. 😢
It's comforting to hear that the whole world doesn't think that's okay. Thank you for posting this video. Listening to this was very therapeutic. I appreciate you.
Your telling the absolute truth. It can destroy your marriage
I like that my partner has friends of the opposite sex. And so do I. I would find it disturbing if he frowned on this.
I have 2 male friends whom I'm close to. I have known Joe for 56 years, and I have known Kram for 52 years. There has never been anything sexual with either of them. Joe has been married for many years, and his wife has no problem with our friendship. Kram was married when we met and his wife had no problem with us. He is now divorced, but we still remain friends.
This idea that people should not have friends of the opposite sex is ridiculous and disturbing.
Ann, love that you and your partner have good opposite sex friends and see value in that. I don't believe that it's impossible for couples to manage opposite sex friends but I see way more couples where their opposite sex friendships hurt the marriage than I do where it goes well. This is one area couples definitely need to use wisdom and have clear, healthy boundaries so they are prioritizing and guarding their connection in the marriage.
Exactly what I thought. Finally someone making this point so clear.!
Glad to hear it resonated with you!! Thanks for the feedback 👏🏼
This was one of the best "straight to the point" answers I've ever heard on this subject. 100% facts!!
Glad you enjoyed it
I have said that for years, when you are in a relationship you cannot have friends of the opposite sex. I’ve been there myself numerous times. I’ve been the guy friend and I’ve had female friends and the large majority of the time, it always ended up with me catching feelings or she caught feelings. So I never go out of my way anymore to have female friends cause I don’t want my lady to have unease in her heart because of female friends and she doesn’t have male friends. Cause let’s face it and men and women who are proponents of this way of thinking do not want to hear this..especially women who partake in this, men know how other men think. Most male friends will boink his female friend if given the chance. So for me opposite sex friends, is a no fly zone for me. I have broken up with girls for male friends, no negotiation, no compromise. I won’t tolerate the disrespect. I can be open to discuss certain subjects and hear them out but I have my boundaries and I know that bugaboo nowadays for men to have boundaries. There’s too many women in the world to no find someone who has the same values. If there are women walking this planet right now and they have an issue with their man having female friends, men can bring that same smoke. But different strokes for different folks, if you have made it work in your life.. hey more power to you, I tip my hat to you. But for me, no fly zone and miss me with that mess
This is a great message. I am glad we did this early because a wise couple shared it with us. I think this is the only thing that we did do right at the time. Due to slightly aggressive ways, it would not have worked out well.😇
I 100% agree with everything you’ve just mentioned.
My ex bf had a female friend he said he talked to every day on the phone. He said it was just platonic. It bothered me but I never told him that, wanting not to appear insecure. He later told me that he knew she was attracted to him but it was one-sided. He liked staying in touch with his exes also, platonically of course. In retrospect, it makes me sick to my stomach realizing how dumb I was to tolerate that nonsense for even one minute.
There is a very good reason why Wedding Vows include the words "Forsaking ALL OTHERS"
I am enjoying RelationShots greatly!!! Your wisdom is clear and concise, and your humor is sprinkled in quite nicely. So glad you've created this channel. It's definitely helpful as I learn how to navigate through this marital arena for the 2nd time.
Antoinnette Clark Awesome! Glad it’s helping. We’ll keep it up and you can let me know what you want to hear that I’m not covering yet.
Another great topic..Emotional intimacy is as you said, a vital part of a marriage. I think so often we miss how important emotional connection is to a successful marriage. Sometimes couples can concentrate so much on the physical connection or sexual intimacy, that emotions can get overlooked ...There are various layers of intimacy that encompasses a healthy relationship or marriage ..Thank you for this valid and needed perspective .
Edna Wiley So true!
Thanks for your thoughts! It gives me confidence and arguments in my talk to my girlfriend!
Now, don’t blame me if she doesn’t like your arguments 🤣
This is so good! So helpful for us engaged folks to learn how to prepare for a forever marriage!
Absolutely! Dating folks need to quit listening to dating advice and start consuming marriage tips since that’s the relationship your moving towards!
"emotional intimacy" that's the word I've been looking for! This man is almost like talking about my wife and her male entrepreneur fiends!! I'm feeling so lovely and she doesn't understand me. I need her friendship/ soul, not just sex. 20y married.
Talk to her.
I completely understand and agree with this video! I would NEVER be tolerant of a 'friend' of the opposite sex having close relationship with my spouse and I would never have one in my life as a married person. And I would not be missing out on anything because of not having one. God created marriage to be set apart in multiple ways, and He also created the idea of healthy boundaries to protect it. Even though someone may love their spouse dearly, we are still prone to faults with our feelings, regardless of what people tell themselves. I also think many people try to name their feelings for that opposite sex friendship as something less than what it really is, whether by ignorance or justification. The set-apartness of marriage is not worth sharing and giving a portion of to a third person
Great thoughts!
Wonderful content. Hope someone that needs to hear this will hear this before it's too late.
You and me both!
Yeah, my 20+ year marriage ended due my ex engaging in friendships with other men repeatedly. She lost all love and respect for me. Commitment to the covenant wasn't even a consideration when she made up her mind to leave the marriage. I actually tried to convey the same message you presented here to her but she was already seared closed. I consider myself a stander now. I pray you have much success in saving these marriages. It's truly a spiritual battle that requires divine intervention. Thanks for what you're doing.
@@MrBlack-pj1jk Sorry to hear that. Yeah, it’s tough to get a message through to a spouse who isn’t interested in hearing it
@@RelationShots yep
Me and my 2nd fiance made a deal not to have friends of the opposite sex.. We are alrealy each other's best friends we don't need a 3or 4th person in our bubble.
GREAT VIDEO!!!!!! I hadn’t thought of this in that way.
Glad you found it helpful!
This is such an awesome video!! Great information and to the point and very helpful. Thank you!
Awesome. Glad you enjoyed it!
This is an excellent and informative video. I believe that adultery is morally wrong. I believe it's important to be extremely cautious in regards to opposite sex friendships. I think it's very important to have reasonable safeguards in opposite sex friendships when you're married since without safeguards in opposite sex friendships when you're married, it's extremely easy for an affair to take place even if you didn't intentionally plan on having an affair.
Good reasonable safeguards to have in regards to opposite sex friendships when you're married are not having opposite sex friendships that are "too close" (what I mean by "too close" is talking on the phone every day for personal reasons, talking on the phone every day for personal reasons several times a day, going out to lunch together just the 2 of you 3-5 times a week, etc), not going over an opposite sex friend's house when they are home alone, not inviting an opposite sex friend over your house when you're home alone, never going on vacation alone with someone of the opposite sex that isn't your spouse or a relative, never going out to restaurants, ball games, concerts, etc alone with someone of the opposite sex that isn't your spouse or a relative, and not discussing marriage problems with opposite sex friends alone.
I think it's best, ideal, etc for a married person to hang out with opposite sex friends in group settings such as birthday parties, cookouts, group events, group activities, church fellowship dinners, group picnic events, etc.
I think if a married man is having marriage problems, he should talk to his trusted and level headed male friends about his marriage problems and/or married couples that he knows that have good marriages instead of talking to a female friend alone about his marriage problems. Married men shouldn't talk to female friends alone about marriage problems because that can easily lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment, which can easily lead to an affair. If a married man is having marriage problems and talks to a female friend alone about his marriage problems, and the female friends comforts him, helps him, supports him, etc, it can easily lead to an unhealthy emotional attachment, which can easily lead to an affair.
Keep up the great work with your videos. I wish you the best.
Yes yes yes and yes! Well said on all points. We should guard what’s valuable and have clear boundaries to prevent anything from negatively impacting our marriages
I totally agree with you after seeing this. Thank you so much. You made it crystal clear. God bless 🙏🏻☺️
Awesome! Glad it resonated with you.
Ding ding ding and bravo, you nailed it! Thanks for clarifying concisely how I believe this to be true
Glad it resonated 👏🏼
Glad it resonated 👏🏼
As a woman who has a lot of male friendships- I hold the friendship boundary harder than them sometimes for their own relationship’s sake. I’ve had female friends disrespect my relationships and I’d never do that to a woman.
As soon as they tell me they’re getting serious I send them a text message that says “hey your relationship is a huge priority, and I’ll take some space. I would love to meet your new partner when you’re ready, but if this means we won’t be friends for awhile that’s cool too. Please tell her about me, show her our history, and show her this message. I do not want to disrespect your relationship in any way.“ I stop contact.
Sometimes. The relationship ends and I’m there to be a friend, or I wind up meeting their new partner and I’m at their wedding. I don’t borrow any woman’s man.
I’m exactly this way as well
Respect ✨
Kudos to you. Bless you.
However, you know what? There're many women out there who will secretly carry on the friendship with the male spouse behind the wife's back. Some former lovers will even accept a rekindled friendship when the spouse reaches out to them. Rather than turn him away or question his motive, they go along with it even to the point of asking/accepting favors/offers to do stuff and even engaging in being the spouse’s confidante about his affairs. That's it, the former lover knows about the affair/s and not the wife.
As this video explains clearly, opposite sex relationships always carry the risk of robbing intimacy in a prime relationship. It's all very well being "holier than thou" but by the time your " show this message to your spouse" time comes up, it is too late. There has already been too much intimacy between you both and even deceit to their spouse. By the time the spouse sees this message on your phone, there has already been collusion between you. Trust will be gone
@@minnie5301 what do you mean “by the time”? I don’t hang out with married men alone we always double date.
But that’s sent to my single friends as soon they are in a new monogamous friendship.
I worked in a male dominated environment and have cultivated a lot of male friendships, and only has ended because of the partner not wanting opposite sex friends and that’s fine with me. Not to mention I’m married and my husband knows all my friends.
I have two single male friends left, and I’ve met their exes some of whom I’m still friends with. I see why you say it’s holier than thou, but it’s to show proactive respect to the woman he’s seeing that I respect their relationship. It hasn’t ever caused an issue.
OSFs can be tough to work with, but with a lot of diligence respect and proactivity they can work like they have for me.
What's up Eric! Loving the content...On Tuesday I came across this article on Christianity Today called "Why Married Women Need More Male Friends" and largely thought the article was 💩. I skimmed it and kept it moving BUT last night came across your vid. Now this is Godly wisdom! Easy Subscribe.
B Plus Thanks for the support. I read that article as well and they make some decent points but they seem to be speaking more of an acquaintance or mentor type of speaking into their life than a close friend they are more deeply connected to. Also they are operating with the idea that those involved are walking in pretty high level godly character and integrity. A lot of the couples I see, even in the church, are not that emotionally mature or have the level of integrity to keep good boundaries.
Great message!
Glad you enjoyed
You are bang on with this video!
Glad it resonated! 👏🏼👏🏼
This is so good and informative.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Great feedback!
Crystal Colbert Appreciate it!
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 GREAT points!!
Colette Beckley Thanks Colette!
True wisdom!
I think you are right.I agree with you.
Also, even if your spouse is faithful, you never know if the other person is thinking they might have a chance with your spouse.
Fair enough
Yes, I would agree and advise that you also have to watch the other person. That single female who knows your spouse is married with children yet entices and agrees to form a close friendship with your spouse to the point of meeting up. Get this she has a child who attends group with your kids.
I’ve been married over 20 years, it depends on the situation, or the person who is trying to kiss up to my husband at the time. He has always had female friends...
Amen ! Very Wise .
It’s not about trusting your wife only. You have to trust the other party. Personally, in my experience all afairs start emotionally.
They often do
Opportunity is always going to be opportunity.
This has been going on in my marriage for a few months now. A single man has been hanging around my wife and she eventually tells me about it when I asked her about it. She said "he's gross", and I would never leave you for him. She also said he understands her emotionally and helps her. She stopped speaking about anything to me and I got to the point of stating to the guy "man to man, can you back off, you are hurting my marriage". He backed off, and she blew her top at me about it. I am protecting my marriage. I didn't appreciate her being deceitful about it either. Would love to hear comments about my approach.....
Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I would have recommended appealing to her first on how it could be hurting your connection even if there’s no attraction on her side and see if she is willing to dial back…then if she isn’t approach him. Maybe you did that.
Most spouses will respond the way she did when we make a decision on their behalf even when it is the right, wise decision. Especially since that relationship was fulfilling some things for her emotionally and now she has lost that. It’s always a tough thing to navigate, right? Say nothing and see the marriage suffer. Take a stance and do something and watch the marriage suffer through her anger. I always think it’s right to guard our marriages and hopefully both spouses are interested in doing so
@@RelationShots I did ask her a couple of times to dial it back. I had others asking "why is she around that guy..". I decided to have a man to man conversation. I was not threatening, but direct. I think it would have been frivolous for me to ask her to dial it back...she wouldn't (I think).
@@RelationShots Your response is fantastic too..
@@PaulUnrue makes sense. Sadly it can be hard for someone to make the right decision when it also means they will lose something that is fulfilling a current need.
the focus should be on the homelife/relationship. friendships should take a backseat and are not a process of blending family functions or an outlet for free time. single people gather, married people nest.
@relationshots loved the video I’m going through a similar situation. This girl I just started dating is best friends with her ex and she wants me to be cool with that and I’m not and won’t be. I love your content!
Yeah, tread lightly with that one! 🤔
I'm in the same situation. I told my girlfriend that she can no longer be close friends (10yrs+) with someone who she was in a situationship with. There was some friction at first which is understandable but she understood that we needed to build our relationship on solid Godly foundations and that having her ex around just wouldn't work. We're not dating we're courting. I didn't force her to do anything, I explained the logic behind my stance on the matter and told her that it would be a dealbreaker for me. She cut all ties with the guy and we've become so intimate (not physical) since then.
@@CIIIKINGS Sounds like you both have already experienced the wisdom in eliminating that type of relationship. Good stuff!
Ooh no. No ways. Friends with ex can never work
You are a wise man.
Glad the video resonated with you!
GREAT advice! I read a Christianity Today article on Tuesday advocating the opposite, that married women should have male friends. Sounded like playing with fire to me!
Rick Brewer Interesting. What was the principle driving that idea?
@@RelationShots That married women need someone to bounce ideas off. They were taking a completely different approach from yours - that you risk emotional bonding by sharing outside your marriage.
@@RelationShots Here is the link: www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2020/april-web-only/billy-graham-rule-married-women-need-more-male-friends.html?fbclid=IwAR2tU_HNadhDrkH7LJS8Y4yTdAxIfhBnpG-tIadrdkptw4C3QZqtB-aJekc
Rick Brewer I see what she is getting at and would agree. There’s a middle ground between no friendship and close friendships like the video mentions. The problem is that many Christians don’t have the character and integrity to maintain correct boundaries
I cant stand that my guy has alot of female friends. Every time he acts distant of cold or dismissive I automatically think that maybe he already had his emotional needs met elsewhere...I just seem to get whats leftover and that makes it so much worse, harder to trust and to invest myself into him any further.
I hear you. That makes it difficult. And it’s always easier to talk to other people that you don’t have to resolve conflict with and do all the mundane relationship stuff with. That’s the danger
Yep, I feel the same. I just ended a marriage over this very topic.
My marriage is going through this and am thinking of walking away.
@@chizzy002 I agree with you, I am in the process of ending my marriage for the same reason. I wish I knew about this before getting married.
I wish that this video had gone viral.
Make it happen! 🤣
The emotional intimacy rationale seems like it would apply to any friend whether of the same or opposite sex.
Definitely could but there is always a different dynamic between opposite sex interactions than there are with same sex
Yep you’re 100%
On point.
This is good! You've raised some interesting points. I am curious on your thoughts for relationships of the same sex and how they can affect the emotional connections in a marriage?
Marlene Faulkner I think same sex friendships can also take away from emotional intimacy in marriage. If you talk to your girlfriends all day about everything and avoid discussing anything with your husband it can have a similar impact. Or spending a ton of time with friends having fun while not being intentional with your spouse can have a negative impact. If balanced correctly they can have a positive effect. Especially for a lot of women whose husbands can’t carry the full load of their conversational connections. They can intentionally connect with their husband but if he’s reached capacity they have good friends to meet other aspects of their emotional needs.
@@RelationShots Agreed! TY.
I agree that friendships of the same sex, and family members can rob you of emotional intimacy as well. We have to be mindful about what we share with our buddies. Talk about what you like about your partner, how you two sat on the porch and looked at the stars, etc. Never talk about your problems unless that family member is wise and going to have understanding for you both and give good advice on helping your relationship, or stay out of it and just let you vent. And that type of situation seems extremely rare, though.
I don’t have close friendships with women. I absolutely agree that essential emotional intimacy is disrupted and robbed when a close friendship is developed with someone of the opposite sex. Very good point and I do believe it’s something most people aren’t addressing or talking about.
True
Its kinda unavoidable though, like you have to talk to neighbors, coworkers ,and church members. Most of them are of the opposite sex,how do you do navigate those things ?
@@guineaslaughsandpets488 It’s not about avoiding all conversations it’s just about managing the frequency, types and depth of conversations so you protect the marriage
@Jonathan Grandt. Well said. You must be commended for your stance. And it does need to be addressed and talked about in pre-marriage sessions, and other places. Too many people are being hurt deeply daily because no one stops to think seriously about the repercussions and others think that nothing is wrong with "close friends" of the opposite sex particularly when these communications/friendships are kept secret.
Jonathan, I don't argue with your view or opinion. I am honestly deeply thinking over this whole issue, right now. My concern is that 1) the pitfalls that are mentioned are not inevitable, any more than driving to work on the highway means you're going to get hit and killed by a drunk driver. There is inherent risk in almost anything we do in just living life, even in stepping outside our door. If we avoided everything that could turn bad or have danger, even if the act itself is good or at least not inherently bad, then what kind of life would we have? 2) Some of the things mentioned could involve friendships with same-sex, too. If I talk things off my chest to a same-sex friend, is that also diverting emotional and conversational energy from my wife? Which then begs the question, should we just say that anyone and everyone who is in a committed romantic relationship never have any friends at all, same-sex or not? The arguments I hear against opposite-sex friendships all have this in common: something bad COULD happen, so it's best to not do it at all. But strictly speaking, I could apply that to almost everything in life. If I go out to eat at a restaurant, I COULD get food-poisoning. If I go on a weekend trip with my wife, we could get hit and killed on the highway. If I go to a social gathering, I could get Covid. What I want is a good balance between fully-living and also being wisely cautious. But to just throw out all possibility of friendship with half the world's population simply because they are opposite-sex and something bad COULD happen seems to me to be a bridge too far. Rspectfully, David
Well that's a POV I hadn't considered: that of the path of least resistance.
Wow, i love this video. I wish I could send this to my ex. I walked away as he is having an emotional affair, and says they are 'just friends'.
I wish I could send this to mine too cuz same, but we're no contact now
well you can have a friend but at a distance i would say. Like say you engage in interaction every maybe 4 to 6 months or maybe even a year. I dont see a problem in keeping in touch with a friend so long as it doesnt become a regular occurance where they become a foundation on your life.
I would agree with that!
If your spouse feels uncomfortable about it, it's absolutely not okay. It's not necessarily about jealousy or insecurities or mistrust. Maybe boundaries haven't been set or a line has been crossed. People tend to throw out accusations and shame their spouse because they don't want to give up that friendship. This is my take.
My husband & I have been together for nearly 40 years. We've been through much together. Much of it hasn't been easy. There's been times when one or the other or both weren't sure our marriage would survive whatever we were going through. Fortunately, we've taken each hurdle as an opportunity to learn more about each other. This is what is known as "through good times & bad" when we say our vows to each other.
Human nature being what it is, attraction often begets attraction. And sometimes, although it's not the intention, that mutual attraction grows. And then you've got a mess. Broken hearts and all.
Married men get targeted because they are "tried & true." They clearly don't shy away from commitment. Some woman has already nurtured him through some rough stuff. Probably trained him to not blow his nose in his socks, not to drink out of the milk carton, and to put the seat down. She's already done the job for some needy member of the lonely hearts club who may well be too stupid or lazy or 'insecure' to do that for herself with a single man. If said needy woman won't honor the unspoken rule about going after another woman's man she's not really a member of the sisterhood.
So, if you think a wife who's spent X amount of years, birthed X numbers of children, and has finally succeeded at turning her man into a human being is not entitled to Fits of Huffy Indignation when some indiscriminate, insecure bimbo starts getting too chummy, then perhaps you should consider the situation more carefully before you pass judgement.
Also, there should be something said about the husband who sits by without supporting his wife instead of his friend. Is he entitled to enjoy the attentions of another woman because it makes him feel good - at the expense of his wife's feelings?
Who's insecure? It's usually not the wife who's bold enough to be vocal when she feels a need to protect her marriage. Good for her, for not just sitting there & keeping her mouth shut.
Applies to both sexes.
Standing ovation on all of that!! Well said 👏🏼👏🏼
I love this taboo subject, if you love you’re partner don’t want to threaten your relationship and there enough for you , and know it’s going to highlight suspicion or problems then just don’t do it lol 😂🤷♂️, isn’t that why social media was invented, keep it out in the open, no need to private text or meet up because if feel need to privately do that then just stay single, don’t be greedy
I believe you can have opposite sex acquaintances who don’t appear, call and text regularly. But you can’t have friends whose intervention is regular in your life. This might ruin your relationship. Have an acquaintances, not friends.
It’s so true and I love your show!!!!!
Glad you are enjoying the content! Thanks for the support 👏🏼
Yes I do thanks!!
My husband has a female friend whom he met during his road trip. So they start to ride together and with the group bit eventually thing got a bit too far. I first met her she told me that she like my husband because he is so nice and when they went on the group road trip and her husband went too, she told me that in one particular area that looked not safe so everyone left they rode so far and she said my husband decided to go behind and protected her she said. That being said when she had a surgery and we went to visit her and at the end she she brought something to share with him and she pulled his and put them behind his back and she told him that I got them for you because I know you have a sweet tooth. The next I asked him so what did she gave you and he said oh just a chocolate and I ate all of it. I was so made and we had a big fight and he started to moves all the money out from the bank account and so on. But he never left the house and he came and wanted to talk to me ans we did so I let him back but it was was to over come thought I have in my head. So last year he turned 60 and she asked me what am I going to do for him and I said I don’t but I will let her know and all of the sudden she she texted and said she will have a surprise birthday for him and see if I can want to come and bring him some good clothes to wear and I was so mad and I told her NO. So recently when I came back from vacation and one night, it was around 11:48 I heard the texts and I wanted to know but I didn’t have the never to do it and so the next day I decided I have to check who it was that texting him this late so it was her and the text was not what I expected that my husband would write oh nothing sexual just the caring cuz he has been with me almost 28 years and he told me that he learns from me and now I blamed him for being nice and kind and caring? I went downstairs after I read that text and I told him that I have something to confess, I just saw your text 🥲. So we had a mother fight and he told me he didn’t love her or nor he has any feeling for her either but I told him I hated when he let her in cuz I’m the one he should not with any other woman. So recently he told me she went on a road trip with her husband and they both got a Covid and so I decided to text her and yes she replied me a few times but my last two text when I asked her on the night they came home late and the next morning and she never replied me but a few days later my husband texted her and she replied him right away. We went for a walk and I asked him so have you heard from her he replied yes that when I got home I went upstairs to my bedroom and he was there at his desk and I took his phone and look at it and it was gone he deleted and that made me so angry!!
So anyone have any idea or I just lost my mine!!!
The foe the show by the way it was wonderful and please share some more love it!!!
@@nikitadaisy8992 that sounds like this relationship he has is difficult for you. Is he willing to set some boundaries with it maybe in how often they talk, or what times of day is okay or not, etc
@@RelationShots thanks for replying back. We had a talk and yes I make sure that he will respect my boundaries. I told him that I don’t mine him being friend with her but just don’t care too much for her. I said to him that is causing a lot of crisis in our relationship and he agrees. Today he texted me back because I was unhappy and stopped talking to him for a few days. He said he is sorry that here is no falling and there never was and with a cry emoji. I will have to trust him for what he said today and hope that I won’t have to loose sleep Over this issue anymore. What do you think?
Women are always asking, "Where are all the real men at?"
Some of us guys are asking, "Where are all the real Women at?"~ Well in a relationship for one thing!
Totally agree
I read in a book once that said ""friendship"
Between man&woman soon change it's
Name,,,.
1000% agree... destroyed my marriage of 23 years.
I'm strongly urged. My husband did the same to me, with a new friend opposite sex. Oh, she is just a friend. But stopped talking to me at home. And she has a husband who didn't care as much as I do. They thought I didn't trust him. But relationships are broken. And I'm a pretty calm person. Yes, they thought I'm jealous. Thank you.
The insight into robbing your relationship of emotional intimacy and connection piece is HUGE. Thank you
Glad it resonated with you!
Great video. I’m in a fairly new relationship of just over a year. I have not heard him talk about friend of the opposite sex. Should I bring it up or just wait until it comes up?
If you’ve been dating a year you absolutely need to bring it up. Just ask his view on opposite sex friendships and whether they are ok when married? And what boundaries if any should be used with them?
When should a man and a woman dating discuss boundaries within how they interact with members of the opposite sex? Namely, when is it okay in a relationship to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend to let you know when they text, chat with, or make plans to see someone of the opposite sex and when should the other partner ask questions about the history of that friend? A lot of young men and women have these friendships from before the relationship and there's often hesitance to cut back communication with these friends or bring to light what that relationship looks like, especially early into a relationship. I agree wholeheartedly with your advice on marriage, but dating both in early and late stages are as it is in western culture is very different than marriage. I know this isn't a dating channel, but I appreciate your thoughts and advice on the topic!
I agree with you here. It’s a good question. I really wonder what Eric thinks about this.
@RelationShots please answer this!
Eric, in a previous video you said that certain conversations are to be reserved for you and your partner only to build emotional intimacy and connection, which are vital to thriving relationship. What kind are those? And are there any conversations that are safe that a partner can have with an opposite sex friend that will not rob the relationship of emotional intimacy?
I would say that any conversations had regularly with someone else to the point you no longer have them with your partner are potentially damaging. But I think that the conversations I would want to reserve for my partner are discussing areas of struggle that would elicit emotional support and encouragement, the sharing of hopes and dreams for the future, and emotional conversations sharing vulnerability…would be some of the ones that are important to a healthy relationship and dangerous outside of the relationship
My H is a counselor with too many other F colleagues. Each has a little piece of H. No, thanks!
100%❤
I hate your perspective. BUT you're absolutely right............ 🙏
Hahaha. Thanks, I think 🤔
@@RelationShots it's definitely NOT easy to follow this piece of advice 🙏🌱
@@anna_makarchuk True!
I'm one of those who has been cheated on. And no, I'm not comfortable with my S.O. having close male friends. I'm faithful to a fault; would never stray or cheat, despite having the opportunity to do so multiple times after finding out about my wife's infidelity, but I can't make a declaration of that and expect my partner to not have contact with her friends of the opposite sex either.
It would be unfair of me to ask something of her that I would not do as well. Of course, this is all dependent on whether or not I feel like being in a romantic relationship ever again if my marriage fails (which is likely to happen by the end of this year at this rate).
Long story short: He's right. I learned this decades ago. It was supposed to be three old friends from high school, but the husband got weird so I told the wife, "Nope. We all hang out or we don't hang out." No idea how those two turned out and I don't want to know.
That's how my wife got an affair and still denies it.
Err no it’s not ok. I don’t care but if you allow your wife have male friends you are in trouble
I would word this differently. If you wife WANTS to have male friends then you are in trouble. It shouldn’t be a case of “allowing” her.
Love the videos, but wondering if you could include more scripture
Thanks for stopping by and the encouragement. Not all of the viewers on this channel are Christians so I don't always use scripture to support the topics or concepts in the videos. I will say that since my foundation in one of faith I won't convey ideas that conflict with scripture.
People use shaming tactics like " u r insecure, controlling" bs don't fall for this bs
Some definitely do that
What about this: he has a guy friend who is in a new relationship. His friend’s girlfriend has ton of girl-friends and now my fiancé is hanging out with all of them. It’s really bothered me because the group has never made an effort to include me. And they are all in a weekly soccer team now and have group chats. And again, not included.
Am I crazy to want him to stop hanging out with them?
Have you expressed to your fiancé that you would like to be included and are bothered by not being included? If so, and he still chooses not to do it…that would be cause for concern
You start by acknowledging the need for a couple to come to an agreement on this subject. Then you go on to outline some risk factors associated with this sort of friendship, but also the fact that some are able to mitigate these risks successfully... Then the video ends with you discussing one final risk factor (emotional intimacy) that you seem to deem a foregone conclusion, and give a very narrow, specific scenario to illustrate why that is the case... What if that's not what the friendship looks like at all? Maybe they don't work together. They don't talk daily. Perhaps they do talk daily but the nature of their conversation is different than you describe (i.e. they share a hobby). Maybe the guy is conscious of how much he invests in her vs his wife. Unless you are suggesting that men lack the ability recognize and regulate emotional intimacy?
This is far from a foregone conclusion. It's another risk certainly, and with these risks should come boundaries. Different people will need different boundaries to protect their marriage.
I agree with you. Different people need different boundaries. I just wanted to present another potential danger (loss of emotional intimacy) that many people don’t consider with opposite sex friendships