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How to Emotionally Connect with Your Spouse | 3 Questions for Emotional Connection
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
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Try a question today and then let us know how it went!
He grinned behind his 3 days beard.😂😆🙈
When I ask my husband these things he often can’t tell me. What are some answers that you’ve given your wife to these empathy questions?
@@MJosephJr My greatest stressor right now is preparing for the launch of a membership portal. One thing she could do to take some weight off my shoulders right now is take care of our upcoming travel plans so I don’t have to think about them right now. What can she do to make me feel cared for? Give me a hug and ask me if there is anything she can help with
@@RelationShots my husband is very reserved and doesn’t like questions! 😀 Sometimes, I bring up a subject, spiritual, social, news all kinds and I feel like I’m in my world talking about it and he is in his own world but seems to be listening politely. I told him that I need some kind of feedback not only an ear to listen especially since he doesn’t initiate any conversations of any topic. I also told him that I am a woman and I can talk to myself or my girlfriends but I need him. In the back of my mind I have a little fear that we end up like his parents: they are both Christians, they live together but they don’t talk to each other for more than 5 years now (it’s very strange). We talk about things like “will you take the trash out? Or can you pick up the kids? Is dinner ready” but after work kids are around, he is in his phone and at the end of the day he wants sex. I feel neglected and want to talk in bed. But, he thinks I’m rejecting him. What should I do?
@@laurageorgina589 Have you tried scheduling a specific time for these conversations? When people tend to avoid certain conversations, there is usually more success if a specific time is set to engage in them. Another thought would be to include his desire in your ask for your desire. Something like, “I know sexual is important to you and I want to engage with you that way but it’s very hard for me when I don’t feel connected emotionally at all. Would you be open to spending just 15 min a couple times a week connecting with me so our sexual intimacy can be better as well?” Maybe order a box of couples question cards off of Amazon (there are many companies who sell these) and on Tuesday and Thursday at 9pm you can sit down for 15 min, each plan to pull out 2 cards and simply answer the question on the cards. This is simple, shouldn’t be overwhelming for him, and also helps move towards his desire for more sex. Some of these times will be quick discussions and other times you’ll find yourselves enjoying the moment and talking for more than the 15 min.
I am a therapist who has been forwarding this video to my couples. This is life changing, thank you so much.
Awesome! Glad you are finding it a helpful tool in serving your couples 👏🏼
What do you do if you have been together 20 years and he went to theorapy 2 years and still no connection?
I need help, bad
Buy something that has batteries 🤣
What do i do if ive reached the point where i cry to myself to sleep because i cant stop finding stuff that hurts them, and im autistic and impulsive and i struggle and controlling my mind and body at times, so i constantly find myself doing things that stress them out or hurts them, constantly on accident, and even if i become self aware of it, even if i stop it before anything happens, it seems as though they'll get hurt by just knowing i had an impulse to do something in the first place, example, they hate my singing voice, apparently i use a bad tone, i contantly find myself subconsciously singing in low volumes, so at this points even just humming bothers them
1) Empathy question: What are your greatest stressors right now? then simply listen (not try to solve).
2) Support question: What is one thing I can do right now to take weight off your shoulders?
3) Priority question: What do I do that makes you feel most loved, supported and cared for or what can stop doing that makes you feel you not supported, loved or cared for?
For number 3:
What if theyre like "idk u should know" or "im not telling you you just figure it out".
Man I cannot begin to tell you how in point this video was. I think this is your best yet man. Gonna apply this right away! Keep the great advice coming!
THE BEAT by Allen Parr Appreciate the encouragement. Let us all know how it goes!
I've been subbed to The Beat by Allen Parr for several years.
Quite a guy to receive a compliment from! 👐
Even 30 years laters, these are excellent questions to ensure my wife and I remain connected.
Edgar DeBoue, Jr. Some things we never outgrow or “graduate” from
Thank you, took some notes and plan on using this as a weekly check in with my partner
I have been married 22 years and This was right on time. My wife and I have been seeking God to help us define intimacy beyond physical touch. This is a great place to start and you were all on my street regarding the travel and 6 hours of golf on weekends.😁 I’m putting these questions in play this week!
Eric Williams Awesome..let us all know how it goes!
Great video! I came across this while searching for resources on how I can be more closer to my spouse emotionally. That's something we both want but it seems to be just beyond our reach most of the time. I'm looking forward to asking her these questions as a start.
Awesome. I hope this will help you begin connecting again. Let us know how it goes.
Did it on Thursday as a part of date night... Went very well but we're also in a great place. So it will definitely be something we continue to do going forward.
Anton Beckley Awesome! Keep up the good work
I listen to the end and I understand why you "guaranteed" The results.
All couple will benefit from doing this exercises.
Thank you very much for sharing.
Glad you found some value in the video!!
So simple yet so often overlooked, the little things. Thank you for these invaluable short and sweet questions.
Anita Ellis Just trying time keep Lawrence in line 😁
Wish I had these tools in the last chapter!
This was in point Eric! Those questions convicted me because I haven’t asked Allen those questions in a while. 😞 I’ll be putting this to work this week. Thanks and keep up the great work.
Jennifer Parr Thanks Jennifer...anything to help out the Parr’s! 😏
I guarantee, I would LOVE if my husband asked me those questions!
Maybe you can “accidentally” turn on this video instead of Netflix the next time you two sit down for movie night 🤣
Thanks so much for this video. My spouse and I have really been struggling as of late because of my EGO and how I am so vain. We are going through a rocky patch right now. I feel these questions are going to really strengthen that connection again. I have taken notes and am going to use the 3rd question to start and make two lists of the things I need to do. And start asking her these things every week. Thanks again for this informative video.
That’s awesome. Put in the work to intentionality connect!
Fantastic advice man, thank you! So glad Allen Parr sent me your way! I consider myself an excellent communicator, and I have to check myself sometimes. My husband is quite the opposite of course 😅 and these questions are exactly what I need to kind of bridge the current gap in our marriage. Simple enough that he won't feel like I'm trying to drag him into something he would rather avoid, but absolutely on point. I'm looking forward to all of the other videos you have to offer 😁
Thankyou, this is great information
Glad you enjoyed
Gonna give this a shot. To my wife, I love you dearly!❤❤
You got this!
First off, I'm not saying they are bad questions. I'm simply questioning the guarantee.
I tried a form of this over 20 years ago with my ex-wife and the questions went unanswered. She appeared to be bothered by them, so reading the room, I didn't try again. Things were already bad enough without me trying to break down walls.
After she ran off and had her affair, I found out that she took my asking questions to mean I didn't really love her. In her mind, if I loved her, I would have just known what to do.
She actually told me that she didn't think she could/should complain or ask. So magical thinking combined with not believing it was right to complained doomed things.
It didn't help that I was an engineer. Great with things, but need more than the average bear's worth of coaching with respect to relationship skills.
Anyway, I was willing to learn and re-married someone who is willing and able to talk about things.
But I would question the guarantee part of this. Some people are just unwilling or unable to talk, or have unrealistic expectations or are engaged in magical thinking.
I would agree with you. Can’t work with someone who isn’t willing to work
So good!
Glad you enjoyed!
This was totally useful. thank you!
Glad you enjoyed!
Great questions and great share at the end. My husband mocks everything and it has been painful many times to me, and to our children.
Thank you. This is just what my marriage needs. I’m excited that I came across your channel.
Welcome. Glad you’re here and found some value in it!
Probably the most important advice is at 2:10. Thanks Eric!
Thanks Fran...it’s definitely easy to let outside stuff take priority
God bless you real good man. you made my day!
"On point" as usual sir. Keep em coming.
Definitely going to do this! Should be an excellent conversation starter.
Anton Beckley Good stuff, tell me how it works!
Me (wife) feels as if my husband don't know how to connect to me emotionally at times. The question what are your greatest stressors right now? I have had the same 3 greatest stressors for a long time now: work, kids, and husband. Work changes the reason it's a stressor due to depending on what's going on at work; a mother will always worry about their kids; I have never been married before, and have never had a example of what a marriage is. I feel like I'm learning on the go, and because I want to be the best wife I can for my husband I don't think he realizes how stressful this is for me.
K Hill Consider having a conversation with him about expectations in the marriage. Maybe you are stressing about things that he isn’t even concerned about or doesn’t expect from you. Find out what his top needs or desires are from you and focus on those while letting some of the other things go. Release the pursuit of perfect at work and at home as a mom and wife and just do your best.
Good topic! It’s so easy to forget all we have to do is ask these simple questions.
Toya Simmons I think sometimes we don’t really want the answers because then we have to actually do it 😁
This is a positive video
Glad you enjoyed it Daniel
I needed this. Thank you for sharing this wisdom.
Glad you enjoyed! 👏🏼👏🏼
In the communication area, I have more feminine energy and my wife has more masculine energy. I don’t feel emotionally safe with her because she seems to not care at all about feelings, mine, hers, anyones feelings. Even though I tell her that this is the one thing that worries me about our relationship. I just need to know that she’s not a robot in a human body just going through the motions of life without genuinely experiencing and appreciating it.
She may just have an avoidant attachment style depending on what her childhood was like.
I feel you. I'm going through the same.
Incredible and simple enough to start taking action..thank you 🙏🏼
Glad you enjoyed and thanks for the encouragement! You got this 👏🏼
This is good but I'm still struggling to remember to lower the toilet seat. Good stuff.
DeSull Should have put a urinal in the new house for yourself
Amazing Video, great advice mixed with a little bit of humor. Thank you for sharing your advice!
Thanks for the feedback and encouragement!
Wow this is excellent! My wife told me the same thing!
Well, since your wife is always right, then I must finally be right too! 🤣
These are some great questions. Thank you.
Lance Lawshe Thanks Lance!
My angel will tell you all is ok,I will probably see how to rephrase them.
4:05: Meeeeee!
Hahaha. Own your truth! 👏🏼🤣
Good advice to keep good pathways of communication open. Also give your man a view days to respond
Glad it made some sense!!
Omg. This is soooooooo goooood!
Glad you enjoyed!!
I find it very sad. This video is 2 years old and only 46k views.
I just came across your video while researching strategies to reconnect with my wife. This is absolutely incredible. I am desperately seeking help on how to achieve this. We have been through a lot over the course of the last 3-4 years. We need to find tools to help us achieve this goal of reconnecting and reaching what we once had. Please help!
Well, hopefully this video can be a starting point for you to start connecting again. We all have seasons that distract us and cause us to feel disconnected. The key for me is always going to be intentionality and community. You and your wife will need to be intentional in investing in your relationship and your connection and you need some good people around you doing the same. That’s why we have a marriage membership community, offer classes, and do retreats.
@@RelationShots Thank you for such a prompt response. Very much appreciated. How would one get into one of your classes, and your marriage membership community. Is this something you offer remotely? Thanks again I appreciate your help
@@beaverbreaks4699 Yes, the classes and membership community are remote. We won’t run another class until first part of next year. Membership community is always open. Check it out here: www.altaredmarriage.com/membership/
This is great information!
Glad you found it helpful!
I was asked some supporting questions about three things she can do practically.
Ahmad Rashad And how did you answer?
She is the one you described in the video that will serve me in every area of life, except in the areas that means a lot to me.
Basically, my response is for her to participate in the areas of life that interests me the most and I mentioned three categories.
Unfortunately, those things bore her. And I understand, if she is not up to or able to fulfill the challenge.
Ahmad Rashad Guess she’ll have to chose the boring things you like if she wants to connect with you!
Nice video. Very helpful
Thanks. Glad you found it to be helpful!
Wow you are me !!! Lol I love to joke …. My wife fears being the butt of my jokes .:… wow thanks I never thought about that
Neither did I until she told me I wasn’t safe 😳
My husband is stuck on cellphone so much. I feel like I annoy him when I speak to him. He gets upset when I go to question him and says I talk to much.
GOLD!!!
👏🏼
sooooooooo goood! thank you
Thanks Chris! Glad you enjoyed 👏🏼
Wow! These are great questions. Curious to hear my husbands response
Kari Shone I just ruined his excuses, eh? 😏
In a perfect world it works this way unfortunately for some of us when you ask what can I do to make things easier or better for you the response i get isI'm not sure or mumbling my wife does not express her needs therefore making it difficult for me to meet them and frankly at this point I'm not sure if I'm willing to keep trying
Yeah, it’s tough to do much when the other person isn’t communicating what they desire
Thank you!!
Glad it resonated! Thanks for stopping by and dropping a comment 👍🏼
I got the “it’s already too late for the talking” statement.. oh well 🥺🥺😔😔. I was hoping this would work…
Thank you🙏🏿👌🏿
👊🏼
great video! but “equal opportunity offender” 💀💀💀 i am cracking up
😏
If I asked my wife these questions she would say:
1. Me
2. Give her space
3. Nothing
Soul is broken
The acronym to remember that by can be ESPN.
E = Empathy
S = Support
P = Priority
N = Not a Priority
That should be easy for the fellas…the wives be like “what’s an espn” 🤣
Great video
Thanks, glad it resonated
Does this work when your wife wants to divorce, and you’re the one holding on? Part of the problem is the connection, but the other is Lost of trust.
Sounds good on paper but, I am afraid of spouse of talking with or asking things of my spouse. Most couples talk to one another unfortunately for us I do not talk out because of fear and the consequences that results from asking. I am a bit gun shy.
I get it. Maybe you could suggest setting a time to “try out something” you saw in a video to connect better and see if she’s open
My husband just doesn’t get these obvious things and it makes me want to give up. I feel like I have been constantly asking every single day for an emotional connection. He’s like well I did stuff for you last week. Yeah and you are just now telling me? Why do I have to ask you 5 days in a row for something you did 5 days ago. Ok. No that doesn’t work for me. If you are going to continue to be married to your job then I am out.
That can be tough. Is he willing to watch some videos with you or go to counseling so he can better understand what you need emotionally?
What do I do, when my husband says nothing, to all 3 questions? Do I try again the next day or the next week
Either he really doesn’t need anything or there’s a deeper conversation that needs to take place. Has he given up on having expectations from you? Has he learned somewhere along the line not to depend on anyone for anything? What are the reasons his answers are all nothing?
Should we send this to our spouse ?
Absolutely. Just do it in an inviting way rather than a critical way. Something like, I’d love for us to feel more connected and found this video that has some practical ways we can do it. Check it out and let me know what you think. Or you could invite them to watch it with you and discuss
If I'd ask my husband these questions he would call the ambulance. He knows I know he never talk about stuff like that, so asking such questions would make him do funny face and laugh...that is if he would hear what I said at all. He just do not talk....🙈
Try it anyway...at least you’ll get to laugh together 😁
@@RelationShots 🤣😂👍 That is for sure. We have at least the humor in comon. I think I will make a video of him while listening to me asking these questions, hahaha.
He is a mountain man and a construction builder, he understands the shoppinglist 🙈
But he is a Great handyman, too,...and even a pretty skilled Cook, like me.
But I would do the talking, and he would do the sleepy "aha"...🤣
I have a question. How do males and females bond with each other? I don't see how men and women can bond (especially romantically) with each other.
Women can build incredible friendships and become very close to each other in a way men can't bond, and science shows that women can bond very well with each other. Generally, women are even more social than men are. After something bad happens, a woman quickly rushes to talk to all of her female friends to get support, whereas a man can isolate himself and grief alone.
Women tend to be more emotional, more caring, more empathic, more compassionate, more affectionate, more loyal, more nurturing, more understanding, more sympathetic, more sensitive, more kind hearted, more peaceful, more calmer, more gentle, more expressive, more intuitive, and more outward than men are, and thus bond more with other women in a special way that they can’t with men. Men, on the other hand, are not that emotional, and thus can’t bond with other men in a special way.
Women are more comfortable being around with other women than they are with men. They have a type of bond that usually men with women won’t really have, or with men and men. Men are usually much lonelier than women are. Men don't often talk about their personal problems with their male friends like how women do with their female friends. Females produce a lot more oxytocin than males do. And that's a reason why women tend to hug a lot more and be a lot more physically affectionate than men do.
What do you do when your wife is always on her phone and doesn't really care anymore about connecting with you?
Grab the phone out her hand and throw it against the wall! 🤣 Just kidding of course! Have you told her that you desire to connect without her being on her phone? See if she is open to scheduling a time once or twice a week to play a game together, watch a show or do something else to connect. If she’s o early attached to her phone then maybe start with a game that’s a phone app so you’re at least playing against each other on the phones if she won’t put the phone down
@@RelationShots I actually did grab and throw it once.
@@EnemyAce88 🙈🤣
Would these questions work when my husband has already asked for divorce and has been living outside of the house since April?
Jessica Lakoduk If his heart is still open to change and reconciliation they would certainly work, but he may not be interested in hearing or responding to them at this point.
@@RelationShots hey thank you for responding. I can always ask when he comes to see the kids, and at least add that to our conversations. Thank you for your input.
Jessica Lakoduk I’ll be praying that his heart would be open and receptive
@@RelationShots thank you! I truly hope he will be open and receptive.
@@jessicalakoduk9973 how did it go?
I always do this but my wife is not used to asking for help or tell me what to do. So is there anything I can offer instead of asking what I can offer ?
Try scheduling a once a week check in meeting where you both ask each other how you can help. If you normalize a time each week specifically for this maybe she will get more comfortable doing so. Or maybe you already help and engage enough that she doesn’t have to ask
Going back-and-forth just in shock tell my wife lost custody of her older daughter about five years back. And me and her are basically going to get separated and I have a two-year-old son with her and this past Friday and my daughter was Born. So about two weeks ago she lied to officers and had me arrested and now she wants to get back I have mixed feelings
hello dear do you need any help I can help you out it worked for me WhatsApp me let's chat better.
Message me on WhatsApp
+ 1 ( 2 1 3 ) 9 9 2 7 9 3 7
What if my husband's response to what are your greatest stressors in this season is... "I don't do stress".
Haha. Then I guess let him just “robot on”
On the plus side, he didn't say "this line of questioning."
This content is a wellspring of new and enlightening insights. Reading a book with similar topics broadened my understanding immensely. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
I’ll have to check that book out. Not familiar with it but love reading new books on relationship! Thanks
2:00
Okay, maybe I’m not understanding this correctly but it seems to me like your answers are simply, “you’re not doing enough to support your spouse. Take more off of her.” WTF, so to make her appreciate me more, I need to do more for her. What about me? What about my needs? What about my stressors? Should she take on my stressors, and I’ll take on hers and we can stress about each others stressors.
The idea is…to connect emotionally with your spouse, you need to connect with the things that impact their emotions. Should they be doing the same? Absolutely
How do emotionally unavailable people fill their need for intimacy?
Are you asking how someone fills their need for intimacy if they are married to someone who is emotionally unavailable or if those who are emotionally unavailable have any need for emotional intimacy?
@@RelationShots i am asking how an emotionally unavailable person fills their need for intimacy. Or they dont have any need for that? 😳
@@RelationShots but i am also interested in knowing what to do if your partner is emotionally unavailable and you miss intimacy 😑
@@ivanamizerakova8337 Some people develop avoidant attachment styles in childhood because their care givers weren’t there to connect with them emotionally. So they have just learned to shut down that desire. Others avoid it for fear of rejection.
@@ivanamizerakova8337 I think you first try to talk with them about what you desire and come up with ways to intentionally connect and fill this desire. Maybe seek a counselor to help with this conversation. If you aren’t able to get all that you need, I think this is where good, healthy friendships come into play. If we are getting some emotional fulfillment and connection with healthy same sex friends, our needs for this with a romantic partner will not be as great
I love how you used gender neutral term: spouse. However, all your examples were for husbands bending over for their spouse. While wife's couldn't event go one extra inch and at least formulate their emotional needs. Not even talking about letting husband unwind after their business trip.
I would like you to understand how hard it is for me right now and not think badly of me. The environment makes me rude. This family is just killing me from the inside out. I don't need your judgment and your stupid questions. It really annoys me. I just want understanding and support
These are her words, what should I tell her?
I would ask her what understanding and support look like practically for her. Get some specifics on what you could be doing that would feel like understanding and support
@@RelationShots man she's Russian and she has temper issues...
She kicked me out of our bedroom and told me to watch articles online on how to provide moral support,
I have tried everything I told her if she would like to try something new, I hugged her everything... I even offered her shopping, physical happiness, some new food, her old memories, how I satisfied her everytime...
She said I'm not an empathetic person.
Please help I'm in the living room.
@@Dmitry_Russia Reading articles may help some but you need to know the specific things that would make her feel like you are supportive and empathetic. If she can’t give you those then it becomes a guessing game where you are just trying things to see if they’ll work. That’s exhausting and frustrating. Have you both tried some counseling together?
@@RelationShots i will discuss with her,
Could you please tell me your timezone? So i can be assured if you're going to be available for replying to me at least for a time being.
Please?
@@Dmitry_Russia I am in CST in the U.S. but not necessarily always able to check and respond to messages on YT. I try to check them periodically
Women expect you to read their mind
Some do…others are pretty clear on what they desire
@RelationShots Most women open completely up to their female friends but drop hints to men
@@meme-zv7kw That can be true, so then we have to ask why. Do they wrongly assume men should just “know” what they need or does the man create an environment where they don’t feel comfortable being clear and specific with feedback?
@@RelationShots That's a fair question
@RelationShots To your previous point the other party they open up to doesn't know both sides so it's easier
Ya BUT what about when the Spouses upbringing ( not ) was governed by 2 Alcoholic parents ? Ya this is where help is needed....