Fantastic! I’m taking your course and it’s fantastic. I’m definitely taking my time in the written lessons because I want to dig deep so I never get involved with a narcissist again. I married two of them and am currently separated and have divorce papers for the 2nd. Thank you Mr Grannon! Also, you’re funny so that’s great too! 😊
Sadly everybody is a narcissist some degree because narcissism is rooted in selfishness varying degrees it's just more prevalent now because of all the RUclips clickbait videos falsely educating people telling them that so many common traits are actually narcissistic traits it's like every mood swing a personality Quirk is now narcissism or some type of disorder remember out here folks it's all clickbait and the Bots and the algorithms do most of the work clickbait and more propaganda brainwashing some people watch and believe anyting
It creates fear lack of a solid sense Self creates more fear because most human beings are fear-based creatures they live their lives on fear of punishment fear of pain fear poverty, fear of being ostracized from society, fear of being ugly, and the biggest fear which hijacks the imagination is fear of the unknown
@@AnamarijaKruljac I found it easy with my mother. When I was weak and contacted her - after I found out about narcissism and realised the harm she did - it confirmed the effect she has on me, so after a bit, I resisted calling. Now, it's easy not not to. I am 70, she is 94. She has excellent care and lives in her own home. I'll never recover from her harm but feel as if no contact brings some healing, and certainly peace. Good luck, hope you can work out your own road to healing. You can do it. Lots love.
Right on.."so you dont outshine them" could also be said this way-you dont outlive them,nicer life than them...the light they try to put out is the breath of life God has given you..
It also drives people who are insecure or have abandonment issues. Just accusing people of being narcissists and then using that to justify being cold and cruel to people is horrible and it’s happening all the time. I was accused of being a narcissist by a part er’s friend who didn’t like me and from then on it was all about proving I was a narcissist. Spying on me, testing me, accusing me of cheating getting jealous that a female friend would wish me a happy birthday or that I knew females platonically. Everyone can be a jerk or show signs of narcissism at times. When you experience someone acting the way this guys is talking about it’s awful and triggers anyone who is insecure.
this guys already insane as are the people who cant see what he is, GYM =D air brushes his own face on the thumbnail as only women used to do not so long ago =D anyone not laughing at this guy is seriously lacking
Wait??!! Whaaa!?! Your statement of his interpretations was spot on or he was spot on???? I'm confused 😮!!!!AW HELL!!! Now it's on , damn it I don't know where I'm at?!!!😂
11min.20 was important!! The victim must not show emotion, cry, stomp feet, shout etc. This fuels them. Remember: Be indifferent. Be stoic. Be a Gray Rock.
I showed that at work and got 50150 lol 😂 then was in hospital for a day and a half not even 72 hrs and so I show up to work on Monday and you should have seen how many people were kissing my ass at work😂 cause they don’t want to be held liable. Well should have treated me and others right the first time jerk narcissists and sociopaths 😂
The Narcissistic rage is no joke. I have been getting attacked almost daily for catching him red handed cheating and therefore proving cheating. I have NEVER seen or experienced anything like this before in my life. It's pure evil HELL!
You MUST MUST MUST leave. These entities will kill. Or plan to eradicate you to SAVE face. Leave. Don't look back. You are living 1. A lie. 2. The person you "thought" you married DOES NOT EXIST.
Just dealt with this with my dad. After not talking to him for a couple years, he found a social media he wasn't blocked on and posted a rude comment. I typed out a big long well worded response, got everything off my chest... I was going to wait for him to read it first and then block him... And then I deleted the comment. Immediately blocked him. Didn't wait for him to read it. He doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing he controlled my emotions for even one second. He told my brother that I apparently view him as dead to me. Hopefully he realizes he's right. I didn't give him the attention he was craving.
Isn't that the best? I had the misfortune of having two narcissists as parents - malignant father and covert mother. It took me until adulthood to sort out what was going on and late adulthood to learn the types. It was so freeing to finally leave as the scapegoat in my thirties. I actually discovered myself outside of the label I was assigned.
I'm the only non narcissist in my family. I had a very troubled young adulthood. I'd been the scapegoat of the family, they were quite delighted at my downward spiral. But I got sober. Stayed sober. Married the perfect man. Started a business that grew and became very successful. I have a beautiful life now. I went no contact a few years ago. I ran for and won an election in a rather large city, in an important position. That was the last straw for them. I keep defying their beliefs about me (drug addicted psychopath). It made them both go crazy. The things they did to try to bring me to my knees were insane, and I gave them zero energy. Don't fall for their tactics, folks. Just stay away and pretend they never existed.
May I ask how you began breaking the mould? I'm from the same dynamic. Since I was a young child I was forced into the role of the dysfunctional, downfall mentally ill loser. Upon awakening, I've noticed how I was misguided and manipulated into many things that made me fit the role to a tee. Requests for support and help ignored, issues used against me to justify abuse and alienation, and self destructive habits enabled. Even now trying to heal from the destruction, I'm sabotaged, ostracized, and gaslit.
Once I figured out that my family members were deliberately provoking me into a frenzy I stopped reacting to their provocation. I dissected what they were doing to their faces and let them know that I knew exactly what they were doing and Why. They NEEDED to be able to provoke me. They loved and sought me out until the day I stopped reacting.They no longer had any use for me after that. It was very freeing.
Had a friend with narcissistic traits. He was a great guy, till one night he moved the goalposts on me and tried to gaslight me. I called him out, he flew into a rage and has ghosted me since. Glad I saw his true colours, I don't need that drama in my life.
I had a similar experience with a former friend, weird guy but I always thought he was harmless. Then one day out of nowhere I found myself sitting in my lounge room with him telling me I was bipolar, and he got trigger angry when I told him that I'll be sticking with the advice of health professionals. He did get a swift kick in the arse after I marched him out of the house. That was delusional level gaslighting. The only other time I saw him after that was when he came into my office after getting a job with my work a few years later, the dickheads job for a week was sheepishly emptying my bin before I had him moved to another area. He got himself fired shortly after.
@@Scorpionwins23 A "harmless" and "weird" guy that you apparently had an advantage of friendship with, and we don't know why he suspected you to be bipolar... And you got rid of him quickly after and felt proud when he emptied your bin. So you score pretty close to a probable narcissist.
@@KibyNykraft You clearly have never been in a relationship with someone with Cluster A, B, or C behaviours. The principle of "love your neighbour " is dangerous with them, they use it to manipulate you. That's one of the things I learned in the year of therapy that I needed after I finally got myself free of the psycho. It was painful to find out that my good intentions had been used to emotionally manipulate me for years, that everything I had gone through was deliberately inflicted on me. But it was. I'm smarter now, but I paid a huge price for it, both financially and emotionally. Beware of people like that.
I’m sorry. I’m proud of you for saying something. Me and my boyfriend gas light a lot to and it’s not intentionally. I see a lot of people doing that though
Please. Also, remember. This is not a game. When a true narcissist realises you are no longer interested - things can get ugly. Quickly. Be careful. Get support
A weak narc doesn't scare me. If a narc can get one over on you, then you got a lot of work ahead of you. A narc is immature, be more mature than them! Simple as that. If a narc scares you. Work harder. Buy cameras. Buy a gun. Secure your home. Learn how to fight. Etc. Narcs are weak ppl. They don't scare me. I've experienced enough narcs in my life that I know not to get involved with certain ppl. Weak ppl can't get close enough to me to ever be a threat! It may be lonely life for certain types of ppl. But not for me. I'm quite content in learning in my own mind everyday! Keep weak minded ppl at a distance. Don't be so needy for other ppls friendship. Be needy of your own needs! People see me as a loner type, quiet, weirdo, insecure maybe. They don't see the inner peace of mind and confidence in being uncontrollable and untouchable. Fearing very little in life, makes you narc proof! Having no fear is a difficult thing to cultivate tho... Having absolutely no fear of being ALONE is key! It takes years of emotional abuse, hard work and dedication! Maybe even some tragedy thrown in the mix!! 😂😢 Good luck 🍀 😁
Yes!! Yes they do and I do NOT want to be like him but feel as if that's what he's transformed me into and that breaks my heart because I'm not mentally or emotionally strong enough to make it stop.
I dated a man that sucked the life out of me and one day was crolling around and saw a viseo about narcissism. I never really knew what that was so i watched it and saw that the person i was with was everything it mentioned. He was Catholic but i had been praying for him for some time because of the way he was acting. He ended up getting into drugs again and was a mess so i distanced myself. One day, he hit rock bottom and cried out to the Lord for help. The Lord cleansed his bidy of the drugs and set hime free. He was a totally different person after that. No more cussing, wanted to give money to the homeless, no longer selfish and every narcissistic trait was gone. I almost didnt recognize him. He was so happy and God blessed his life. I realized that he was packing literal demons through many open doors from childhood trauma. It is possible to get free but deliverance is necessary. I encourage anyone in that type of relationship to walk away and pray for that NPD person to have an encounter with the Lord. He is faithful. I'm still amazed at how different he became but that is the person God created.
Every decent, strong, genuine and emotionally intelligent person is a strong light that invariably draws these creatures, like moths to a flame. It’s their demise; just don’t let them be yours.
That's exactly it they see you they take on your life they take on your friends they let you provide to them your life but then when they start not being able to hold up the facade anymore and the real demon in them starts coming out and you start guessing that's when they go and run away.
Wise and realistic words, New World. Hoping your path is Narc-free today, and enjoying peace! Off topic--- longtime student of Astrology here. Are you as well? Blessings from Austin 🌟
The easiest way to unplug from a narcissist is to just pack a bag on the quiet, leave it with a friend and then when you can't take it anymore, walk out the door and don't look back. If you don't, that person will destroy your soul. Speaking from experience.
@lilistarmessages Absolutely true. Don't tell them where you live, no phone connection. No coercion from their friends for you to get back together. Nothing. They don't deserve you at all. You are a better person.
You aren’t wrong. Until I stopped all contact entirely and completely going as far as lying that my phone number was no longer mine. She kept digging and coming and talking and pulling and trashing and making me mental. She literally had me feeling like I was completely insane. Not even an exaggeration. I was so scared. Been almost a year and things are getting better.
I'm stuck, he's my step dad, he's been abusing my mom since they met in 2007... I recently found her after she went to get some help with her mental health 25 years ago. She's got Parkinson's and had a stroke... She's very dependent upon him and he's now trying to control me. BTW she's 79. He wants her totally dependent upon him. 2 days ago he blew up at her and became mentally and emotionally abusive, yelling at her and cussing her for forgetting something he had said a week ago.
@user-xd2ml8dn9h Is there any way you can get the Police involved in this? She needs help to get out of that situation and either be with you or in nursing care. Her last years need to be peaceful and pleasant. God bless you both.
I’ve been No Contact for over 4 YEARS now, and it feels amazing taking the power and control back! Once you learn to focus on yourself and forget about the narcissist’s existence altogether, life just gets brighter and better ❤
Just going no contact now.... I'm going to miss my dad. 😢 He's a great man. But my wife and I are already closer for it...... I am wide awake at 4am (it's been two days since the blowout) and she is laying here with a hand resting on me (sleeping) because she knows I am upset. She's sleeping, but her affirming touch has been as much as possible. She's not usually this touchy. But she's amping it up because I have told her that touch is calming. Thanks for the comment, I have been flipping between a feeling of freedom and immense loss and needed to hear that the long term will be positive. Fortunately my brother and I are steady and talk almost daily, not about that... But at least I still have a part of my family left.
As a thriver of a Narcissistic abusive mother who used my recovery and childhood experiences as the building blocks to become a professional Counsellor, I say the greatest revenge is "to get on with your own life".
My mum has always been jealous of me. Is this a narc trait? She hates to see me succeed and likes to hear my struggles. I’m about to cut all contact again for my own happiness
My neighbour is one. He has CCTV cameras up, but when I had my garden vegetables stolen and put some up, all legally sited, he started a whole sh*t show, complaning to the landlord, council etc. They all ignored him. So one day , he came out into a communal area of garden and said to me 'see this bit of land here? You don't own it!' , to which I replied ' But, neither do you!'. He completely shut down, his little eyes swivelling in his head, till he blurted out ' well see those cameras? I saw you moving them so they're looking in my window '. The CCTV installer laughed at that - they're screwed into position and can't be moved. What really started it was that I was in the garden one day, too busy to notice him, and he took umbrage because, as the centre of the universe, he had been ignored ...
@adinamedrea5303 Yes it is. Don't engage with them. Being a very cold, grey, rock sends them into a tailspin. Once you see how empty they are inside you wonder how did I ever trust those fakers? Simple, they were mirroring your best traits in order to insert themselves into your world.
If that’s what you think is narcissistic personality you are wrong. This is just a stupid person who wants to dominate with obvious tactics. A narc is veiled in his tactics, always and you never see it coming. Please keep learning more about this behavior as you haven’t truely come across one yet but when you do, these posts will certainly help you.
It’s 2am here.. and I am up with so much hurt, anxiety, and fear in my heart from a narcissistic husband. He gas lights me, lies to me constantly, invalidates my feelings, belittles motherhood, and gets livid every time I confront his lies! I am so hurt and weak. Today I made some progress to escape from this marriage. I need strength
@wildestdreams6887 I don't think you should think about it just now, just do it and we all know you are doing the right thing! I pray you will be protected from him and keep reading about going no contact! You will have to grieve and heal and have some positive support to sustain this!
Don't confront him just quietly go about preparing to leave in secret until the right time. Just know that this too shall pass. There WILL come a day when the fear and humiliation has left, when you will feel free and laugh spontaneously, when you are at peace and strong and healthy again. I was broken and sick but now I'm fine. God give you strength and courage. ❤
"I'm a person separate to you. That is the ultimate defiance. I am a human being separate to you." Wow! Thank you for this, this might be the single greatest piece of advice for my personal situation with a narc-fueled family structure that has poisoned me my entire life to believe I am non-existent or just a toy for them to manipulate and disrespect.
My ex is a narcissist & the day he realized I was not only done with him but I was indifferent towards him was priceless...I'll never forget the look on his face & tone of his voice...🥰🥰🥰
You sound like an evil person. A good person would show compassion for their spouse. A good person would not de-humanize their spouse with an unreliable science (i.e. Psychology); comprised of fake labels (e.g. Narcissist) for common human behavior. There are examples distinct types (alpha/beta) of males and females in the Holy Scriptures. The archetypes exist in nature for a purpose. To demonize one type or the other is to mock the God who created them.
I’ve noticed as I find more success in life that there are certain “friends” that appear to be rooting for me to fail. People that seem really nice when you aren’t doing well, but seem to be offended when you become more successful.
Yes same and I stopped responding to a friends messages after a 10 year friendship - when I realised for sure she was enjoying my bad circumstances in my life at the time. She didn’t come over to say “what’s wrong are you okay?” No she just knew I’d worked her out and never contacted me again. If a long term friend of mine stopped answering my messages the first thing I would do is ask are you okay? I have not missed her as she added nothing to my life she was basically living from taking my life as a drama to go and gossip about. After knowing her for about 2 years I remember catching a really contemptuous look on her face it just flashed for a second and I literally had chills from it but I convinced myself I was imagining things - never ignore your gut feeling
Yes dude! I was an addict for a decade. I'm 7 years clean now, and 3 years ago I started school, became an EMT, and when I got my first job as an EMT my son's dad HATED it. He tried everything to stop me. Even though I was bettering our sons prospects and his life in the process. He acts like I did basically nothing special. Same with my dad. He called me lazy last time I spoke to him, and I work 24 hour shifts 😂 both losers.
@@rosemadder5547 good for you! Also in recovery myself and went back to education and started my own business. Hope you love your job and your son will be taking all this in even if he’s not saying it now - he can see you respect yourself and doing well ❤️🔥
That's my family. They love when I'm depressed, Fat, addicted, miserable. Any time I get into shape, happier. Etc is when they act concerned and pretend something is wrong with me. Fucked my life up bad.
I personally believe they want you to feel as miserable as they do. They also don't want an adult relationship but a dog that listens to every command they give (is my personal experience). And yes, if you don't do what they say/behave the way they expect, they will act out like some children would. Do be carefull with not giving them any emotional supply though, because some can lash out even more to try and get the response they want. Be safe. If you can, remove them from your life. You'll feel so much better.
I agree. Misery loves company, and I think if you don't come down to their level of misery, it further injures and infuriates them. How dare you be happy without their permission? 😂
I know! My Mom said once " we've let you do what you wanted to do these last years and that was fine", dragging my Dad into it as imaginary support, and when it was clearly not fine for her, but I'm 52!, just an adult leading her normal adult life.
'They don't care if you love/hate them '. I agree. Hate is not the opposite of love bc you are still thinking of them. Apathy is the opposite of love, because you give no more energy/thought to them. That's essentially negligence. And it KILLS them.
Thank you for this! I had to see it in writing to understand how I have finally managed to discard the covert narcissist i have been struggling to get rid of for the past 4 years. It feels so liberating and I have so much serenity in me now. I got so bored with his temper tantrums and rage that I was able to distance myself from him and I am now free.
When you said that the narcissist never intended to keep you or build something but they always intended to discard you... was so real.😢 The reality that I never stood a chance and the whole thing was false from the beginning is so painful and sobering... but I deeply appreciate this truth. I only want to live in the truth. Thank you for all of your work and videos I'm learning a lot❤
❤️ 😢 after 10 years I was told they never loved me, just married me for sex … and then I was supposed to forget all about that and keep living the lie, smh. True narcissist right there. At least now I’ve been in a much happier life for the past 9 years… Meanwhile, the narcissist keeps cycling thru mini relationships where someone sees them for their real self, and then immediately bails! 🙄
I felt that too but it’s the truth! They don’t want you the don’t want to grow with you or have interest in your life emotionally or have any sensitivity towards you. God mine was so bad I would literally be told where to look and if I didn’t he would name call me - if I did anything for myself, like get my hair done or nails done to make me feel special or sexy in anyway that was criticised too. I was mush by the end of it! All because the attention wasn’t on him or given to him!!
@@TurinTurumba Keep getting your self-respect back. So she's not who she said she was. If you remember that fact, it will be MUCH EASIER not to have temptations of pretending like she's the MASK that she wore all along. You deserve better and you can do this, man!
I am blind to narcissism. I was raised with narcissists in my family and while I knew something was wrong, I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was never good enough even though I have been very successful in life, and am subjected to a recitation of my “deep personal flaws” whenever we meet. Low contact is the answer.
No contact is the real answer. I had the same abusive mother who taught my siblings to be cruel to me all my life whike i did everything good. Their evil brought me closer to God. I came to terms with their evil and after many yrs gave these evil people to God, and let go forever and I didn't have to forgive evil them to feel better. I made sure i disowned both of them in my will and feel great. Amen!
Number 7. Turn the other cheek to walk away. Revenge just keeps you stuck at their level. This is my ultimate freedom from 14 years of torture. Great video!
I’m going on 14 years as well. I was stalked,threatened and forced into getting pregnant. Had to live with his parents & brother until 3 1/2 years ago and they’re all just as bad,some much worse than he is (my kid is 11 1/2 now). I’ve been learning to get my license when he’s away at work on my days off of work,& I’m halfway there. I plan to do delivery services as a second job & try to save up for my own place to escape. I already pay most of the bills so it won’t be much different.
@@momentsformoms9467 sorry for that,you are trully a special soul,may God be with you,id like to hear your story and maybe share with others to help them not suffer like you have,your future is bright and you have a fighting heart,all the best in your endevourse,love from Kenya
Best last words to a narcissist: “ *When I first met you I was blown away by how intelligent and witty I thought you were* (insert whatever image they try to project here) *but now that I’ve gotten to know you I realize you are just so…. average* “ Then walk away and NEVER speak to them again. 👋🏻
That would have been the perfect thing to say but I didn’t. At least now, I can think it. I used to be obsessed with seeing them or more accurately them seeing me all together and happy and successful. Still being that “ good sunflower”, looking to them for approval or vengeance or whatever. They really were just average, Lol. The spell is finally broken, thank God.
@@brendaplunkett8659 yes, thank God for your freedom! As I’m sure you know, the best “vengeance” is when you move on and heal ❤️ and, most importantly in my opinion, when you *NEVER* give them your energy again 🙏🏻
1. Deny their importance 2. Act outside of their wrong perception of you. 3. Make them feel insignificant 4. Do not offer help to point out their weakness... 5. Offer no supply - turn off your emotions 6. Live your life well without them. 7. Stop engaging. In one word: IGNORE
The day he said "I thought that I married your mother" I knew we were done. Raised by two narcissistic parents who I could never please, married to a narcissistic man who I could never please. My life has been a roller-coaster ride of fighting the long-term damage to myself. This video is "spot on" in so many ways.
@@GR-uk5ou I would caution you to be very careful throwing a word like "entitled" around without knowing someone's back story. I am a 69 yr old female who was told that college would not be allowed because it was expected of me to continue to work in the family business. I graduated with a regents degree and a regents scholarship. It went to waste. Why? Because my parents' immediate needs were more important than my future. What I just shared in this statement is the tip of the iceberg of what my life was like growing up in connection with parents who only cared about themselves. I have spent the last 15 yrs healing from an emotionally and physically abusive marriage that I stayed in to protect my two children. I fled with nothing because my lawyer was intimidated by my ex's mob associates. I was fortunate to escape with my life. I kept my initial statement short and sweet because I didn't want to share all the details of why I am a survivor of heavy narcissism that has surrounded me my entire life. Don't even attempt to try to call me out when you know nothing about me. That word "entitled"? That is how narcissists feel about themselves. In their world they are "owed" and they really don't care who they stomp on to get what they perceive they "deserve". It would serve you well to understand that you picked the wrong person to throw that label onto.
@@GR-uk5ou...I find it interesting that you would choose the word "entitled" for that is exactly how narcissists live their lives, believing that they are entitled. I chose not to divulge the pain of my past in that initial statement. My parents were cold, calculating users. As the oldest child I caught the massive brunt of their abuse. I was beaten regularly. Not punishment but beatings. Why? Because I didn't finish a chore, or I burnt the potatoes, or I "lied" about something. And on and on it went. I learned as a small child that the truth was never believed. I married a man who love bombed me. And when the honeymoon was over he began the same insidious emotional abuse and using the tool of intimidation over and over again. Cheating, lieing and thievery all because he felt entitled. I lived in fear throughout my childhood and then stepped right into it again in my marriage. I would caution you to be careful how you speak to a very knowledgeable survivor of a lifetime of narcissist abuse.
@@GR-uk5ou...Honestly that statement in and of itself is exactly how a person will gaslight another. I know what I know about my life experiences and that is all that matters to me. Bait refused.
Maybe even earlier when kids are more impressionable and willing to listen before it's too late. They may have narc parents too, so teaching them how to navigate them will help stop them from being a narc too
Let me just add some additional mortification vehicles: Staying no contact and ignoring smear campaigns and reverse hoover attempts. It’s harder than it seems, I know. Good video and well done, Richard 👏👏💪
@@alicelovescats888 Usually when person A has devalued and discarded person B, and then does something that encourages person B to try take the responsibility/actions to reconcile and get back toghether, instead of person A doing it themselves, usually due to pride/grandiosity/shame/perceived infallibility. In more extreme cases I think this could also be applied to person A trying to provoke person B to simply break a no contact protocol by for example smearing. Some really horryfying shit. Between the lines my comment referred to the campaign Sam Vaknin is waging in this manner at the moment. It's become quite ugly and undignified.
my ex currently has a smear campaign going and hoping for a reverse hoover! Trying to poke me and ignore me so I react and reach out. Nothing will penetrate my armour this time!! 12 years of the abuse and games, 6 attempts to escape!!!
@@alicelovescats888 here is a real life example. I enabled no contact after the narc smeared me to our friend circle resulting in no one talking to me. She proceeded to post much more than usual, fawning over her new coterie and making sure to post things that would irritate me. Theoretically, I would reach out pissed off, curse her out and try to defend myself to our acquaintances. I realized this after previously succumbing to silent treatment by calling her to ask if I had done something wrong, a reverse hoover success! This time, I allowed the smear campaign to continue, blocked the mutuals, and moved forward. The point of the reverse is to get the target/supply to reach out thus hoovering themselves and allowing the narc to parade the target to others like "See how obsessed they are? They won't leave me alone"
My favorite part is when they deny factual proof of being wrong. I commonly say that a narcissist would tell a carpenter how to build a house, but not know how to swing a hammer
“Devalue and Discard’ that’s what I did and he stalked me for months. He couldn’t bear the humiliation of being left and being insignificant. Well said Richard. You have taken me from broken to rising from the ashes as a proud empath. Thank you. 🙏❤
20years after leaving my ex-husband alcoholic narcissistic abuser he is still reaking havoc on my life and stealing any joy that he finds out through others and stalking me.
My mother is a narcissist while my dad is the cool type. But I have found out that mostly ladies I want to marry are narcissists. May dad is late now of heart broken of the type of wife he got married to. PLEASE WHO CAN AN EMPATH LIKE ME MARRY😢😢😢
“Their view of you will probably be off in quite a significant way”…WOW. For me this is what messed me up the most, as someone who struggles maintaining a steady, concrete sense of self, hearing someone whom I thought knew me describe me as something I completely didn’t resonate with. I questioned myself, beat myself up, and felt shame for so long after that relationship. It’s been three years and I still find myself reliving lightning like flashes of stomach turning panic when I hear their words reverberate through out my mind again. I believe they reflect onto you your worst fears, and their own inner most insecurities, they paint you with the colors you fear and they loathe the most. They read you in part just to be able to launch this exact attack on you later. The things they so desperately attempt to project as being their authentic self to the public, are the things they twist and pervert and use against others.
So true. Well said. I still hear that critical voice sometimes now but I question it in the now. Stand up to it and challenge it. How dare this person try to define me? Especially considering who they are NOT.
That statement exactly! I have to view my other relationships to validate who I truly am. There’s only one person in my life that views me in this way..hmmm🤔
I define myself. I allow no one to do that for me. I define myself because I know who I am - and I am a respectable, successful individual who has value and worth. Because I have scruples, I can walk with my head held high. There's no 'shame' in being me.
Beautifully said. Very sad if you were brought up deep inside this toxic family dynamic. It means you have to unravel the false beliefs about YOURSELF that have been hammered into you since you were little. No easy feat & often can take years to reach inner calm where we are no longer feeling triggered. It can seem to take over your life but I’m convinced that ‘sitting in the muck so I can clean it up’ is the ugly work that I MUST do so that I can truly show up for myself & move forward. For me, dealing with narcissistic friends, bosses & co- workers has been a battle but I’ve learned so much about myself & become resilient. It’s harder to process familial narcissism if you were groomed the way I was. However, I’m changing with the times & acquiring so many tools to reframe all the abuse. Meditation & many other ways of being mindful have & continue to help me break away from the rumination & other losses sustained from narcissistic abuses I’ve experienced. Major advancement happens when we detach from the abuse & see it as an external entity that wasn’t my fault( I was a child) & that I can’t change the facts of how I was treated, but I can certainly make a conscious choice to not define my inner sense of self by another human’s lack of compassion toward me. I finally learned to be empathetic toward my self & am cutting toxic people out of my life. There are a lot of toxic people out there. We are learning to be immune to their venom.
One of the consistencies I've noticed among NPDs is shallowness. Over time, I've marveled at how little there is to them, their intellects, and their views. I don't think less of them for it, but the consistency of that trait among them is surprising.
@@jaialaiwarrior -- You are onto something there. The goofiest part of the dramas they seek is that they're lifted from shitty, TV melodramas. And then there you are, listening to their stale rendition of some half-assed TV show. I mean you're really straining to remember which show it is, so you can call them out on their bullshit. The problem is, you're still playing in their litter box when your time would be better spent packing.
When you feel regret for not knowing better or getting away sooner tell yourself; "I did the best I could with what I had". Be kind to yourself. There's a reason why they gaslight, they knew u would've left. But eventually you figured it out. And if you're not out yet, you are doing your best to survive. The fact that your watching this is a step out that door. Awareness is always the first step. Keep going. You deserve to have yourself back and live freely. 🌻
I've been at the end of narcissistic rage and I wouldn't be lying if I said I couldn't speak for a couple of minutes, I was in shock! Pure venom. And can I add, the reason for the outburst was because I said 'no' to her for a very good reason and for the first time in my life 😢
Yeah it's terrible. I'm sorry you went through that. I had the same experience only because I once tipped 15% instead of 20%. No comment! They are unwell, it's a sickness.
Yeah I've been at the end of this so many times with my now ex as of yesterday I finally told him no more chances. I got tired of being used and abused. It's so sad that so many people are narcissistic and evil these days. That rage is scary.
Yea .. showing her true colors, didn't she? I hope that, at any point, that this will help you indifferentiate yourself from her as this is your way out.
Staying un-engaged with them is absolutely essential. Let their words roll off as unimportant. No physical contact. Do nothing for them. Say NO, and say it often. They must handle every aspect of their own life, or it doesn't get handled. Their expectations are not your obligations. You owe them nothing, especially not yourself. They are NOT part of your life. If they want to trail along in your wake, fine. If not, also fine. Live your life. Grow. Be who you are.
@@hydeparkacademy7107 That's great advice! My therapist says the same - not even to cook for him. We still have one teen in the house so I make supper. But everything else is off the table. Family vacations are hell. Any tips on how to avoid them or extended family holidays with them. He won't tell his family we are separating. It's hell.
@@STEPHANIEJANIGIAN-xp8mm it's awful, I'm sorry. Keep connected to these sites and there are support groups. This is not something usually people want to talk about, so it's important to remember yo@ur not alone.
I can attest that the only thing that does not feed into their drama is calm, quiet confidence and indifference. I tried many times to break up with my narc ex-boyfriend while emotional, angry, hurt, crying, etc…. It did not stick until I was able to calmly and unemotionally convince him that I could not give him what he wanted and that he should look for someone who could. That was complete BS of course- the only thing he deserves is to reap the bitter fruit of his own sick personality disorder. But it worked.
But narcissists are made in childhood. They never aspired to it! Never asked to be a narcissist! And strangely enough, they usually have no clue they are sabotaging their relationships with these traits! None at all! So while I understand your anger, and I have some of my own for my narcissist, I still have plenty of compassion for them. I don't want to deal with them daily anymore, but deep down, I hope they will overcome or at least control their narcissistic traits and have happier lives! Because I am pulling for them. They are lovely, fascinating people outside of their narcissistic traits! It was those traits that drove me away. Otherwise I'd love to be still involved with the last one. Lots of positives but the negatives were way, WAY to much to deal with. I'm sad I had to leave. And I'm very sad they are so afflicted!!! And don't seem to even know it, yet. It is a tragic situation all around! I don't blame them, but I will if they don't do something to learn how to cope with it! Being ill is not a shameful thing. Refusing to get help is!
@@PsulOrtizI would argue that more often than not, they ARE aware of their broken state and CHOSE to hurt others to keep their own narcissist driven high going, and internally say to themselves, to heck with the damage they are causing others. Self awareness isn’t enough to say a person has potential. Self awareness combined with the real, non-lip-service-level of self work it takes to become a good human being is what makes a person worth having tender feeling for. Otherwise, showing them any care does nothing good for anyone.
I literally played crazy to get rid of one, it worked, I was "psycho" in his eyes,I don't care what they think,they left me alone and I never contacted them again, blocked them everywhere,now thriving.
I've been married for 43 years and yes I was brainwashed. It's is the hardest thing to get through. He made me think he was the only one who didn't lie, the only one I can trust, i must take my money out of the bank dont trust a bank. Put it in a safe at home.and he is the only one who is there for me. No family or friends at all but him. I have been doing this for 43 years. I got me a storage room and I slowly got my stuff out. I left him. And he isn't happy about it.
Good luck in your process. You are older, but you can still enjoy a good life now in freedom. I hope you can build a support network- support groups for abuse victims are brilliant xx
God, if I'd seen this stuff back when I was in middle school and high school, I'd probably have been saved loads of headache and heartache! I'm going to share this with my pre-teen daughter. She's got a LOT of 'friends' like this - narcissism starts young!!
It comes from childhood. The scary part is if a parent is npd or borderline..they seek empathetic codependent people to devour. My father is bpd and my mother was codependent. The sad part for me that took me totally being broken by my ex wife trying to love her enough to change her(codependent) and codependent on her opinion of me, trying to change the way she saw me almost destroyed me spiritually. I am on the road to recovery with alot of support and therapy. Self care and awareness of our own tendencies can make us more aware not to let it happen again. Typically kids who have been abused and abandoned are highly susceptible to becoming NPD BPD or codependent
Most teens are naturally Narcissistic, they're still trying to put together who they are while going through huge amounts of change. There are exceptions to this rule, children raised by Narcissists have either had the decision made for them or have to choose to deprograme themselves or go the route of the parent. These kids can be a little messed up as they don't always know any better. There's also kids who are just Cluster Bs from the earliest age if they have good or bad parents, they are the ones to keep your kids away from.
Yes, "one short dull chapter in my life" truly sums it up. Most of us have been through rough chapters. Putting into perspective and moving forward=healing.
When I was playing cat and mouse with a criminal narcissist, it was pretty exciting. The level of terror is difficult, but very interesting to recapitulate. When I was really young my mom beat me for a year, calculated, above the hairline (everyone thought I just didn't want to wash my hair), on my chest, my ass, my back (so no one would see it when I had a tank top or shorts on), I got to a point where I just watched her beat me. I knew she'd was going to kill me one day so I never went back, but asking for help was just absurd in my community. The decision making in the eyes, the non-human quality, and just watching her fall deeper and deeper into that over the months, was also interesting. Watching how it was so easy for my sister to create a narrative in my family that everyone believed. Watching people become flying monkeys. It's kind of fascinating as hell, but I wouldn't tell anyone that in my real life... What I learned is there is no amount of hell you can withstand that will bring their souls back from wherever they go as they lose that humanness, that light, in their eyes. I feel so utterly sad for them. I also realized as I was writing this, a deeper layer of understanding of a concept written about by Nelson Mandela. The initiator of coercion commits more violence against his own soul, as those he violates. Ultimately, if you survive, this makes for an incredibly interesting understanding of sociology. But yeah, beyond that, I could have been with a community that was creating parallel values to the current consensus, but knowing the enemy is important, too. "So it goes...." Vonnegut 😭😂❤️
The "one short dull chapter in my life " have just become the sharpest words in my life...i had no words to put to my ex's narc ways...and now I do...its up lifting after everything he did...the lying..cheating...its everyone else that's wrong...etc is so dull now...
I used to focus on the years I wasted with my daughters father. But in the overall view of life, 14 years is a very short chapter in my life 😊❤ Perspective is everything.
Yes, one full chapter of my life. But the chapter was nearly 30 years long! I am ashamed and embarrassed to even think about what it all means. I'm an old man now. I have wasted my adulthood! WASTED IT! 28, 29 YEARS OF WASTED TIME TRYING TO BE WHAT 'SPECIAL PERSON' FOR SOMEONE, BUT I NEVER MADE IT. ANYONE can get sucked in, but 30 years??!!! Wow!!! I knew something was off, and I had no idea what it was or how to fix it. But when you feed several of the issues into the computer it gives you a few possibilities to investigate. And being a narcissist fit like a custom fitted glove! None of the other initial possible situations even came close! My parents are both gone now so that is a huge help for me. I don't have to deal with their weirdness, which was always difficult, very odd and not a great run up or preparation to adulthood and adult relationships! I'm fairly certain dear ol' mom was a full-blown narcassist and dad was either a junior one or he modeled/mirrored mom. She definitely had the stronger personality of the two. I think she overwhelmed him to a large degree and he got remade into what she wanted! Or needed. So I had plenty of practice in dealing with narcissists growing up, so of the 3 major relationships I've had, looking back, all 3 certainly had many traits and characteristics of narcissists. And most likely were certifiable narcissists! Why else would there have been that attraction going on? There isn't any! I'm alarmed to realize these things now. I am leary of even thinking about being happy with someone new or of being able to chart a new path with relationships, or even friendships. Time will tell. At this point it seems way to much to even hope for! But humans have a strong sense of 'well, maybe, tomorrow will be better'. And that I still have! My sense of optimism wasn't been completely extinguished!
Nailed it. Been there, done that--with not one or two narcissists but half a dozen. Remarkable what simple creatures they are. As Richard says, they are most dangerous when you either latch on to them like a lackey or antagonize them as their enemy. Truly, applying Richard's techniques has a second big effect: it not only neutralizes the power of the narcissist in your life but also empowers you, delivering an immense feeling of self-confidence.
I’m in the process of filing a divorce to my evil, narcissistic spouse of 31 years, and this video kinda strengthened me. As soon as I started detaching myself from him, he started dating online, I found motel receipts, bills on pornsites, etc… he made sure he had a new “supply “ right away even before the divorce has been filed! I see him struggling now with everything because I spoiled him then- I was his servant literally! He is a drug addict too , and i’ve been dealing with this for 30+ yrs! And so one day, I woke up and told myself… enough already. it was the best decision I have ever made! I am mentally, physically, emotionally drained lately but knowing that there are people who went through the same cycle of emotional abuse, and got out of it, really encourages me to stay focused on the goal- Treat him like he never existed, and enjoy my freedom and the beautiful life that awaits me!
me too 31 years…don’t know if he engaged in sexual misadventuring but possible as he is sneaky .. he abuse is more financial .. anyway 31 years too .. i am working my way out
Well done for that last push over the line … looking out for you. These personality types are the most corrosive people that one could interact with….. the Clusters B’s (not all of them) can be a lifelong battle. Stay safe.
Spot on. I went through every stage. The steps you discussed work, over time both FOR you and AGAINST them. The last contact and last words from her were: I feel like you can just so easily move on without me. My response: you are correct.
Well, well, well I finally understand my divorce-- my manipulating husband was ready to discard me even before we married! I had never even thought of that possibility until I saw your video Richard!!! Every young woman and man needs to see this video before they enter ANY romantic relationship. This is absolutely mind blowing. In this video you paint the picture from the perspective of the narcissist- now I understand how I was used as a pawn. Had 3 children with the man and then discarded like a piece of trash. Once a person has the diagnosis, everything else is easy!! Thank you once again for sharing your wisdom on line. I would like your video added to our high school health education curriculum. You rock 🎉
I'm going through the same thing too!!! 1 child together and almost let him adopt my 7 year old but SO GLAD I listened to my intuition on it and didn't let him!¡!!
@catherinenguyen9864 I do have my little girl because she has no legal ties with him. We are still going through the divorce proceedings for my son. It's been a dragged out process.
A LOT of this happened at work with a narc. She eventually over played their hand, she started making mistakes and was getting caught up in the lies. Because of the videos I’m watching on narcissism I was able to deal with her by taking the emotion to almost nothing. She would point out others mistakes, and all I said was I would look into it and walked away. Eventually everyone did the same and she quit!
Did she work for Howmet in Michigan? 😂 I ask because a coworker said she quit from her previous job because of this reason right here. Sounds very familiar.
Not many comments here by people working with narcissists. It can be tough. Grey rock worked well. But the worst bullying I had ever experienced from her was the day I bought a new car. She went ballistic.
The little laughs slipping out as you explain some of these points is priceless. To see what’s playing out and your non reaction and composure, emotional maturity, and resiliency....all while making this a real time teaching is so clever. Bravo 👏 You're such a great teacher Richard, and this video is top quality.
Yes, those little giggles were great. Glad I wasn't the only one who caught it. I had go back a couple times just to hear it again. I got my life back over the last 4 years watching and listening to Richard. One step at a time. Thanks, Richard!
Yes, this was very entertaining to watch. I was snickering thru most of it too, he's so funny. And honestly the subject of narcissism usually makes my blood boil but this was great.
I'm 72 year old widow and I let my 46 year old adult narcissistic son move in when his girlfriend threw him out. I felt sorry for him, so I told him he could stay until he could find his own place to stay. That was 7 months ago. He has narcissistic personality disorder and paranoia. He wont leave and is making me miserable. The attorney wants $3000.00 to get him out with no guarantee that we would win. I live in fl and it's very hard tti get someone out of you home once you let them move in. Pray for a miracle.
I can’t believe you can’t kick someone out of your house! That’s insane. It is prison for you in your own home. Not like that here in Canada. My house. My rules. No one stays or enters without my consent.
My ex‘s uncle KILLED his oen morher in the same Situation 😢 He murdered her in her own kitchen with a towel and then left her in the Garden for a week, got drunk, until we came with the police bc he couldnt get her the phone for days… He was diagnosed in jail. He got 7 years and was allowed to get her money as well… this was in 2008 in Hamburg, Germany. Took me 12 years and 4 children, before I understood that my Husband was a hidden narc and his mother is evil too… And then left him and fought for everything for 5 years / still do… If YOU can, MOVE out as soon as possible. It‘s unfair and heartbreaking, but SAFE ❤
Richard I have been a therapist for many years...delivering classes on various topics including NPD (a personal favourite subject) your delivery, description and overall presentation is absolutely fantastic not to mention spot on. I lived with a Narcissistic for a couple of years (quite ironic really) so for anyone who thinks because your are educated and trained and can put up with one. You can't, in fact, it is often worse because therapists understand behaviour do we let a lot go and explain it away...but abuse is abuse full stop, no one is safe from narcissistic behaviour. Big Fan Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.
Thanks to videos like these (no thanks to all the “marriage counselors” I saw) I am free after 34 years of Narc Abuse. I am an individual, I have “grown up!”
I always felt that because narcissists lack the ability to be reflective; or introspective, it’s basically impossible for them to understand complexity, depth or nuance. They just seem to have cartoon perspective of the world.
They lack creativity, handle unexpected events badly, and cant put 2 + 2 together. And when you give really helpful advice to handle situations that are easy to solve, they are grateful but dont say it, once you give advice that implies they did something wrong you are suddenly controlling. They are babies.
Ten minutes in: "turn down ALL EMOTIONAL CONTENT" - this is absolutely genius. The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is indifference. It makes sense that this would destroy them. Nothing is more brutal than cutting someone off completely.
02:06 they create a CARICATURE of You. When they talk about You in behind, they talk about your caricature. Especially if you better in some way, (which is impossible) than a caricature need to be created insteat of real you.
💯 bang on! I remember being so confused as to my former npd partner’s view of me after being with them for almost 2 years. It was as if they had no idea who I am at all. Just an awful experience.
I hear ya! It got to the point where I would laugh at his accusations because they were so wild! But I knew him well enough that he was really just calling himself out. I kinda felt sorry for his stupid ass in a way, thinking "does he really not see how he is blowing his own cover?"
My new motto!❤ "I exsited before you and I will exsit after you. You were one short chapter in my life." Thank you so much! After 8 years of letting him belittle me about my weight, my hair, my children and family, my jobs, ghosting, bread crumbling. I cooked, cleaned, groomed our 3 boys which I miss more than him, took care of him through his illnesses and surgeries, his constant relationships texting other women to stroke his ego since having sexual relationship was not an option anymore due to his health, I have my own money and never had to take money from him. Last August I unfortunately had to take custody of my grandchild from my daughter due to addictions. We talked about it and he said he would stand by me emotionally. Well I went Easter weekend cleaned, cooked, waited on him hand and foot and when we went to bed that night I cuddled up to hold him and he pushed my arm away, not like stop it but close. So I went to my side and went to sleep. I woke about 3 AM Easter Sunday got up showered and dressed. Had a cup of coffee reading my news. And a Easter pray popped up. I read and prayed and about 6 AM something came over me. I loaded my overnight bag up. Love my boys and went kissed him letting him know I was going back to my house to hide Easter eggs for my grandchild. He was asleep and said do what and I repeated myself and kissed him let him know I would call to let him know I made it. I drove 2 hrs almost every weekend to keep him on his pedestal. I called no answer, texted nothing back, he ghosted me. I did not chase or beg. Everything in me screamed this 77 year old man was trying to make me choose between him and a 9 year old I felt sick. I have not called and will not. I love him but my grandchild comes first so I know it is over. I haven't figured out yet how to arrange to get my things as I have accumulated many things there I always thought someday he would change. But he never will. I can only say God bless him and God take care of my boys (dogs). Amen Blessings Overflowing Call me crazy but I believe I am an earth angel. For over 40 years I have been a caregiver. Worked for 22 years one family 3 generations. He always called me a werido but I knew I was his life line. Your video was meant for me to see this moment. Thank you
Everything you’ve said is correct, and I love how you are teaching others. My ex-husband of 25 years belittled, isolated, and lied to me, taking full control of our financial funds throughout our entire marriage. He would say things like, "I told you, don’t you remember?" making me feel like I was the one going crazy. He belittled me and tarnished my character to our friends, isolating me and our children while he dated other people and maintained a relationship with another family just a mile and a half away from us. He even told our children that he never wanted them. It wasn’t until I had to get an order of protection that I truly realized how bad it was. What’s really sad is that he has high-powered friends who believe him because he’s such a good liar and narcissist. The truth will eventually come out, but it’s frightening because he’s the biggest kiss-ass you’ll ever meet. I don’t understand why people like that are admired when it’s clear who they really are, but I’ve come to realize that many people aren’t leaders-they’re followers. I was too busy with our children and their activities to see what was happening. After hearing so many lies and exaggerations, you start to ignore them, not realizing you’re being completely played and taken advantage of until it’s too late. Please educate others about this. When you live with a narcissist, you’re deceived and lied to, and what’s worse is that I think they actually believe their own lies. God bless you.
When I left my narcissistic ex, I had to flee the state. He didn't want to accept that we weren't together. He even went so far as to insist that we move into apartments directly above one another (so he could hear my activity, I'm sure). When I did leave the state, I had to change my number because he kept trying to call and text me and EVEN threatened to come find me and "sweep you off your feet." That was not romantic. It was terrifying. I lived in fear for months.
I’ve listened to so many videos on this topic. But you pointing at the camera and saying “Don’t you do it! Don’t you respond! Do not return that text!” That helps me the most. 🥳. Keep up the good work 🤓
Towards the end of this video you mentioned how the abused breaks away and becomes more mature. Since I separated a month ago I really feel so much more mature. You and Sam Vaknin are the only two people who really understand this mental Illness on a deep level!
One hundred per cent correct ... every word. It took me six years but I did it. I got rid. I realised I had done it when someone said to me "how's Andy?" and I said "Andy who?" I was elated.
All of these steps can happen within a 15 minute encounter too. Number 5, no supply: if you’re capable of holding your emotions, you’ll notice how many traps they lay to illicit an emotional response. It’s to bait you into making a mistake or saying something you regret. When they can’t draw that out of you, they’ll break down and start spiraling. At that moment they’ll have no choice but to “retreat” or risk social image catastrophe
Yes! They "lay traps" and ones that they KNOW will get you to react, because they watch you carefully to find points that are upsetting to you. Dang it, I grew up with 3 or 4 in mu immediate family... I would try to understand and talk to them on an "equal" level never knowing they were purposely trying to break me apart... it's almost unimaginable.
Yeah as soon as they know something that bothers you or gets on your nerves or hurts you especially they will just do it and do it and do it all over again to keep trying to push your buttons because that's their little power trip that they can get a reaction out of somebody else so as soon as you honestly just don't give a crap anymore then they start with all this weird other stuff like compliments and stuff that you haven't heard in freaking 20 years they get really weird and they don't really know how to take it when you just don't give a crap anymore the opposite of Love is indifference and when you finally start calling out every single little game they're playing and say nope I know what you're doing here nope I know what you're doing there then you really get them going and they start playing very dirty and nasty cuz they can't stand it they can't stand that you can see through them anymore and the best part is when you can just get away and then they start accusing you of everything that they're guilty of so it's really easy to know every single thing that they did because they'll just turn around and point the finger at you which is somewhat amusing to be honest. Then they go out to your children or anyone else that they can to badmouth you and to lie about you and they do it in a way that you can't be there to defend yourself so you just have to hope that someday the people who are foolishly listening to them and trusting their word will finally wake up and see that that's not how it was all along
The more videos, and the more I read your book, Richard, the more I realize that I was taught narcissism by my mother (whom is a narcissist) and others as a way to combat my high functioning autism, which I am finally getting diagnosed with at 36. I feel like all aspies raised in the nineties were taught to be narcissistic. It was just a cultural trend. That we were so special, geniuses, etc. Then when we grow up and realize that we are actually very average, or are only smart in one particular area, it is definitely a learning curve.
As a parent of a child who is now your age I’m so glad I never hopped on that “you’re extra special, the world should know and treat you as if that’s so” crazy train. Asperger’s or not. The message should always be “you’re so special to us. We love you for you. But the whole world will not think so and will not care. It’s a world in which you’ll need to grow a thicker skin.”
Yep, people need an Alligator thick skin to get through life. It can be a tough, cruel world out there no matter how good, honest & loving of a person you are. Children should certainly be taught right from wrong. Good from bad, & get big kudos & encouragement from their parents that they can succeed at anything, IF they do the very hard work & put their minds to it. I was raised in the 70's & 80's by a then - * Diagnosed * Covert Narcissist & BPD mother. She didn't teach me anything except how to teach MYSELF real, tangible "street smarts" on how to survive severe physical, verbal, mental, emotional & even spiritual abuse. My Dad was a brilliantly smart, IQ Genius Level, hilariously funny man, he reminded me alot of Rodney Dangerfield. My mom abused my twin sister & I the most. Our only other sibling, my brother who's 1.5 years older, is & always has been her favorite, the "Golden Child," & her #1 "Flying Monkey." Which I'm definitely not jealous of.....he can have her LOL!! 😅 Still, even my brother had admitted to me, & would tell you, that he "grew up watching her abuse us, & remembers being only 6 & 7 years old, watching his two little sisters get the $hit beat out of them. And feeling so helpless, bcus he was "too little to stop it & protect us." You might wonder why my Dad didn't intervene? Well, they got married at ages 19 (her) & 20 (Dad...while he was going to college for 2 Engineering degrees). He told me later in life that he thought seriously about divorcing her within their first year of marriage, bcus she "seemed prone to Histronics & weird 'fits." He said "But then you kids started coming along, & she got much better. Also, back in those days, an honorable man didn't just up & leave his wife stranded with 3 little kids in 1969. There were few work opportunities for women back then. And the jobs available didn't pay much at all." Ok.....did anyone catch how my mom "got better" once she had babies? Narcissists LOOOVE the baby/toddler phase bcus we're 💯 % dependent on them at that age. They can dress us up real cute (we, her twins.....)she'd dress us alike like most twins, always have big curly, girly-girl beautiful ribbons in our hair etc. Twins were not NEAR as common back then as they are now. My Narc mom absolutely THRIVED off all the attention she got for having 3 such cute little kids, & twins with auburn hair & big ble eyes to boot. Pretty much soon as we could walk & talk & have our own lots of questions about the world at all, she started the abuse. My Dad was an Engineer in the oil & natural gas industries. He always worked very hard & was always moving up the Corporate ladder. My mom was a stay at home mom. Once we started Kindergarten & school going forward, we DREADED going home. Bcus she'd be abusive but we'd also LIVE for when my Dad would get home from work. Bcus once Dad was home, it was like she'd literally flip a light switch. Be Super-Mom & wife, very attentive, doted on us etc. My Dad often had to travel overseas for a month at a time...far away to Singapore, China, Japan etc. Those were the WORST bcus she'd be a complete BEAST the whole time he was gone. You might wonder why none of us kids ever told our Dad or anyone else about her abuse? Keep in mind we were just KIDS, AND she'd been this way our whole lives. We just assumed this was how moms were, & that our friend's moms were the same. It was terribly confusing for all 3 of us. We (& my Dad) didn't realize how bad she was at all till me & twin were 14, & brother was 15. By then, my twin was such severe Anorexic that she was in hospital weighing 79 pounds at 5ft 7in. My mom always waved that one off (literally waved it off with her hand) & would say "Oh she was just having behavioral problems." My brother was a RAGING alcoholic & drug addict by that age. And I had a tendency to run away. My twin overcame her Anorexia, went on to college then her Master's. She had SEVERE CPTSD & trauma from our mom. So she estranged from our mom forever ate age 23. She's so traumatized that she estranged from the last of us, including me, 15 years ago & went on strong Psych meds for life. Bcus she joined a supposedly Christian Church that's turned out to be a Cult. Met a rich, debt free man in that Church who spoils her rotten. She's so terrified of the trauma she can't speak to ANY blood relatives or she gets horrible suicidal ideation. My brother got sober for good 21 years ago, after too many stints in jail & rehabs to count, became a Mortgage Broker, & now owns two businesses with 26 employees & licensed in 26 states. He lives way out in Florida in his big house with his wife & is rich. At age 15 my mom threw me into a Cult that the Government wound up shutting down a few years later. Bcus the Government deemed it a "Cult & Concentration Camp for Minors." The abuse I suffered, & witnessed other kids suffer, was unspeakable. They did not allow any medical care whatsoever. So when I got a bad infection in an organ that isn't removable, it wasn't treated. When my Dad found out where I was under my mom's crazy custody, he moved fast. He got custody of me, & had me on a flight the very next day to live with him in the state he'd moved to for his job. He saved my life. I was blissfully estranged from my Narc mom for over 20 years. Best years of my life!!!!! I wasn't able to have children bcus of the damage to my reproductive organs I suffered in that Cult Narc mom put me in. Then, in my 40's, the organ that had been so infected in the Cult started to fail. My Immune System completely crashed & quit working. I'm 53 now, but had to go on Disability 7 years ago bcus that damaged organ is so incredibly damaged. It's riddled with ulcers that aren't curable. It's not removable. I have days where I live with horrific, unbelievable pain. I found out the hard way not all pain is treatable. I HATE not working & am too unwell to even do volunteer work, so far. I had to give up my 25 year Fortune 500K Corporate Travel career which I LOVED, sell the small home I'd worked all my life to buy. And move an hour away from all my friends to a town where I could afford a rental on crappy Didability pay. When I became Disabled, I just happened to be single at the time. So no help from a husband or family through all this. My Dad passed away before I had to go on Disability, & my closest family "support system" (8 of them!) ALL died within the past 7 years. Nobody in my family talks to each other anymore except my brother & my Narc mom talk to each other. Sadly, he's taken on alot of her traights. I've been battling Cancer, & the last time I tried to call him, I told him my Cancer had returned & just wanted him to know. He proceeded to SCREAM obscenities, put-downs, awful things.....for 30 minutes. So loud my phone was rattling! I'm back in Tele-Med therapy with a Psychologist who specializes in CPTSD, family trauma, trauma, Narcissistic abuse & more. All 3 of us kids have been through, on our own separately, thousands of hours (& dollars) of therapy just to survive. I'm pretty much an adult Orphan now, & it hurts SO MUCH especially around the holidays. Holidays alone are sheer hell. This isn't a "pity-poor-me" post BTW. I've been wracking my brain on how to build better community & support despite my Disability lately. I do have two people who check in on me now every single day. I might move out of state soon to live near my favorite cousins who are close to my age. But let this story be a warning. If you think you can change your Narcissistic boyfriend/fiancee/husband/wife/mom/Dad......whoever....YOU CAN'T. And they are missing any "Empathy chip" most people have in their brains. They are selfish, viciously self-centered jerks who could care less about you. They will ruin your life all day long if you let them. STAY FAR AWAY from these people, as much as is possible, & put yourself FIRST! Wishing never-ending unconditional love & light to everyone! -Gigi ❤️
‘You were one short dull chapter in my life!’ Love this ……. But it’s sooooo true! They are essentially very dull and can see how this phrase alone may lead to mortification. Will use it 💯
As a 61 year old female......with an extremely narcissistic mother (w/BPD)....I can appreciate this video and your very helpful tactics on detaching the self-worth parasite from your life. There was zero help available for children in the early to mid 70's .....especially in the area where my brother and I lived....(or rather survived!) I survived her absolute abuse by running away @ age 15. I had to......it was leave or die at that point. My poor younger brother endured a few more years with her but eventually was kicked out by her when he was @ 14. We lived together in a roach infested apt. and finished HS (simultaneously both working two jobs to support ourselves) .....and we both tried several times throughout the years to reestablish a "different" type of relationship with her to no avail. Her voice still lurks around in my mind from time to time.....but it is easier these days to deal with it.....except when my brother died last year from neglecting his health in so many ways...and who suffered from untreated mental health issues for years ......refusing to do the work necessary to learn healthier coping skills or rise above it. He just did NOT want to talk about the past with a professional ....AT ALL! (I was in therapy for over 10 years straight....and it helped ...especially because I had a great support system). I was so incredibly FURIOUS with our mother about my brother's tragic death and left her a nasty late night voice mail (which I regret to a very small degree) and I also sent her an email which had a video of him taking his last breath!! In my mind....SHE killed him.....SHE is responsible for my brother's long and grueling passive-aggressive suicide! I KNOW it infuriated her....but I took great comfort knowing that she has no way of contacting me... and how THAT, too, must have enraged her! Not to mention......there are very few left in her life that she can dump on....if any! I do get rare and limited info about her from a cousin that she keeps in contact with, but other than that I haven't seen or spoken with her since 1995. My son has no relationship with his grandmother AT ALL......his choice, not mine. Perhaps it is because when I caught her plying her narcissistic ways on my toddler son, I promptly nipped it in the bud and made HER leave.
My mother became a supreme narcissist during menopause. I became the target when I divorced and remarried. I mourned losing my sweet mother from childhood, but then she pulled her biggest card & forced my dad to have no contact with me. He would sometimes sneak a quick visit to me. I only went back to be with my daddy shortly before he became bedridden with dementia and parkinsons. I tolerated her so I could love my dad. After he passed, she attempted to keep in touch. I refused to reply in any way & cut her completely off. She had already died to me a long time ago & I don't even know the person she became. The irony is she's the one who taught me to love myself enough to NEVER take abuse from ANYONE! Walking away was easy & my life is so peaceful. I'm just thankful that she was a great mom when I was little & I still love that mom, but I've never regretted walking away from who she became.
Wow. I love your story. Mine was the same. I used the mother from my childhood as strength to cut off this demon she morphed into. It’s divine poetic justice at its finest. Being the scapegoat has its perks. While I was able to grieve the loss of a dying mother and move on. My narc siblings and enablers are stuck with her and left to deal with the emotional trauma and conundrums of losing a narcissistic mother 💯when she does eventually die
Do you think the change happens because you became an adult or a teen.. aka more independent? When you're a child there's little to induce the narcissistic rage @@dr.a2160
Thanks! This was amazing... The sadness is turning to acceptance and I have better days Alhamdulillah. I was in a 9 years marriage to the most violent and abusive man I have ever come across (not even in movies), now I am enjoying the no contact, I am getting on with my life....
So good. For #5, going “Grey Rock” is another great strategy that is similar to what Richard explained. Going “Grey Rock” is essentially showing no emotion and seeming not interested or impressed.
I am currently trying this with my narc mother, so far her hundredth smear campaign began and followed by humiliating punishments, so predictable, she has such a grip on everyone, trying to go low contact until I have the financial ability to leave permanently
This is very good. I have suffered for 4 years from a narcissitic next door neighbour. She has nearly destroyed me. I have been arrested because of lies she has told the police about me plus all sorts of other horrid things. It has been awful. The advice here is very helpful. Thank you.
It took me 75 years to realize that my sister is a narcissist! I always stood up to her because I didn't know how dangerous she was. I lost my daughter and 2 grandkids! Now I know NOT to confront her! I gave it to God and I believe it will come out before I die!!! She was trying to have me put away because I'm too sensitive! Now I'm glad I'm sensitive and an Empath! I'm the winner!!! - NOT HER!!! Thank you !!
Thanks, Richard, for a great summation of the narcissist! For over 5 years I’ve been following you and you’ve been a tremendous help in learning to recognizing these people and recovering from their otherwise unexplainable behaviors. Much gratitude for all you’ve done and all you do!
The insight literally transformed by life - Sam Vaknin seminar with Richard was mind blowing. Then in the same time I heard Dr Ramani talking about Agreeableness and all the puzzles came straight to all the missing voids I had search for so long and I could not find the answers to social anxiety issues. Now here it is.
This is spot on. After about 2 years I was able to do just that. Devalue him and discard. I feel so free and strong. He moved on to new supply quickly. The narcissistic mortification was on high!! Get on with your life. You WIN!!
I just wanted to say. I've been in a narcissistic relationship 'on and off' for 12 year's. I never really understood what narcissism was until I started to reflect on how my relationship made me feel and the toxic nature of it. Your video's have really helped me to gain a better understanding of what I've been going through and I feel more validated. So thank you. So much pain and anguish knowing that I now have to let go of the one person that I truly love romantically but your content has helped me to understand that for my Mental Health and my sanity it's something that I have to do. Heartbreaking and heart wrenching but my eye's are now open. In part thanks to you. A real eye opener. Who knew that this is a thing and people exist in the world that are like this. Now I do. It's made me more sceptical of human beings now but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Anyway you have informed me and helped me on a subject that I really didn't know about or understand and I didn't even know that I was in a relationship with a narcissist but now I do. What a fucking travesty! You live and learn. Honestly thanks mate you've helped me a lot.
You may be empathic. If you kind of get caught up in other people's emotions and have a strong desire to heal a broken person, that may be what's going on. It feels like 6th sense.
@@jjjackson5183 having the capacity to feel empathetic and to have heightened empathic traits are best not conflated with codependent traits, trauma bond residues, or reenactment/repetition compulsions
Hey man, just letting you know that I am in the same situation with the same timeframe invested. It is a really bitter pill to write off 12 years of invested relationship! And you know, I really though the whole time my love was going to a real person who appreciated it, but it was being shoveled into a bottomless black hole. There is phenomenal pain there, especially if you are an empath, which I am, and you may be too. The best advice I have heard so far is that it isn't just the relationship that needs to be recovered from or the other person forgiven - it is actually each upsetting event within that relationship that needs to be separately healed and attended to as its own thing. I have wound up having to do a lot of meditation and self-inquiry to uncover all this crap and start to heal it. All the best on your journey!
I’m so sad your long term relationship has been so awful, but I’m so glad you have been able to realize it! Twelve years is a pretty long time to suffer through the terrible things a narcissist does. I hope you are able to get out of it and heal. And just fyi, if you have gotten out, the narcissist may try to recycle you. I think some people refer to it as hoovering, but to me, and in my case, it was recycling. There were three or four of us and the current one would get fed up, and he’d have to go and find a new supply, but it’s a lot of work to break in a new victim, so he’d try to re-engage with all the former victims. Or, of course, he’d have two or more of us going at the same time, and I am 4600 kms away, so I couldn’t always figure out what was going on. I did let him recycle me once. And now, for the past 8 years, he contacts me a few times a year, and I just ignore him. They can’t stand it when you are truly indifferent and if they think you don’t like them. But some of them never stop trying! I hope your new life, after you’ve healed, is wonderful. Cheers from 🇨🇦!
The part about becoming an adult is well spoken. Anyone who recognizes their emotional immaturity is on the road to emotional maturity. I am 65 and your advice about being an adult was given to me by my own son, now in his 30s, who lived through his narcissistic father, and did that work on his own self. I am on that journey now, putting closure 20 years after the fact on my former spouse, and my karmic lesson of an absolutely horrible property manager, who gave me no choice, but to move when she lied and reported to authorities that I was crazy and harming other tenants (As she was so authoritative and I was new to town, the hospital and police believed her) If I had followed my son’s advice a year earlier, I would have been able to deal with her appropriately and would still be living in that lovely unit. But the upside of being turfed out of your home is that I had no choice, but to fix my own self. you are one of many excellent resources on narcissism. Your approach is the strongest, i.e., you don’t give us a little hug and try to boost our self-esteem, you have practical advice that takes hard work, but is successful when we forge new directions for our minds. I find that my mu levels of self-confidence are coming through that success so that I will never feel trapped by an abusive person again.
It's so true how narcissists don't even know what their partners or friends are genuinely interested in. I've had two narcissistic exes. I sometimes didn't receive gifts on my birthday or Christmas. On rare occasions when I did receive a gift, it was a leaf blower (something he needed, obviously) or some kitchen appliance, nothing fun. They truly do have a simplistic, tone-deaf view of people around them. The gift thing is a minor and petty issue, I know. Most of the scenarios Richard mentions resonate with my past experiences.
I love the sunflower 🌻 analogy makes perfect sense ☀️ let us look towards the real sun in our lives 💗 and do whats best for us 🤗 hugs to all the people going through this healing too
Great analysis, as always. Maintain zero contact. Do not talk about them or your experience with them to others. Spurn all attempts at contact by them and their tools. Mutual discard. The best revenge is success.
Man, this is so spot on. One of the strategies you described was something I accidentally discovered. As mentioned, you can never DIRECTLY challenge the narc, because this becomes an ego battle. If you can manage this obliquely, it goes past their capacity to defend and exposes their weakness, often with socially horrific results. I have done this a couple of times at social gatherings, and mentioned something within earshot of a narcissist such as "That person is probably the smartest person I think I have met" (oversimplified), when the narc I know identifies their false self strongly as intelligent, or educated. have actually had the narc storm up to me, angrily demanding on the spot to challenge them with any question to prove their superiority over the other person I mentioned. Now, to be fair, it isn't 'nice' to press anyone's buttons like this, however, if there are people in their life who haven't yet encountered the kind of monster they can turn into, it is better to let everyone know sooner rather than later!
Fantastic! I’m taking your course and it’s fantastic. I’m definitely taking my time in the written lessons because I want to dig deep so I never get involved with a narcissist again. I married two of them and am currently separated and have divorce papers for the 2nd. Thank you Mr Grannon! Also, you’re funny so that’s great too! 😊
Glad you’re benefitting from the course. Never again ! You’ve a brighter future to look forward to 👍 all the best
Sadly everybody is a narcissist some degree because narcissism is rooted in selfishness varying degrees it's just more prevalent now because of all the RUclips clickbait videos falsely educating people telling them that so many common traits are actually narcissistic traits it's like every mood swing a personality Quirk is now narcissism or some type of disorder remember out here folks it's all clickbait and the Bots and the algorithms do most of the work clickbait and more propaganda brainwashing some people watch and believe anyting
In other words they have no actual solid sense of self all their interactions with people are reactionary
It creates fear lack of a solid sense Self creates more fear because most human beings are fear-based creatures they live their lives on fear of punishment fear of pain fear poverty, fear of being ostracized from society, fear of being ugly, and the biggest fear which hijacks the imagination is fear of the unknown
Sounds like women, fear of rejection
Ignore them, avoid them, be bored by them, never think of them... no contact is the first step to freedom.
Well said! Thank you
It is hard when it’s your mother
@@AnamarijaKruljacdisconnecting from toxic family is difficult but it can be done.
@@AnamarijaKruljac I found it easy with my mother. When I was weak and contacted her - after I found out about narcissism and realised the harm she did - it confirmed the effect she has on me, so after a bit, I resisted calling.
Now, it's easy not not to. I am 70, she is 94. She has excellent care and lives in her own home.
I'll never recover from her harm but feel as if no contact brings some healing, and certainly peace.
Good luck, hope you can work out your own road to healing. You can do it. Lots love.
@@AnamarijaKruljacNo it isn't. I've done it for three years now. And I feel so free.
A narcissist will attack you and then, if you defend yourself, they’ll look at you like you’re the bully.
yes, all the time, the act of silence, is great, in confuses them and they can't bait well
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 that’s right 🤣🤣🤣
Hahah dude I'm on the verge of leaving someone who seem like a narc but wow my energy level is sucked up.
@@fredericksharon6908I’d get out of there
Reactive abuse
Their goal is to bring you down to their level so you dont out shine them. They hate your light and want to put it out. Dont let them do it.
Exactly what he tried to to
I am just realizing this!
Correct.
Spiteful people that blame you for everything
Right on.."so you dont outshine them" could also be said this way-you dont outlive them,nicer life than them...the light they try to put out is the breath of life God has given you..
Silence is the best. Drives them insane.
It also drives people who are insecure or have abandonment issues. Just accusing people of being narcissists and then using that to justify being cold and cruel to people is horrible and it’s happening all the time. I was accused of being a narcissist by a part er’s friend who didn’t like me and from then on it was all about proving I was a narcissist. Spying on me, testing me, accusing me of cheating getting jealous that a female friend would wish me a happy birthday or that I knew females platonically. Everyone can be a jerk or show signs of narcissism at times. When you experience someone acting the way this guys is talking about it’s awful and triggers anyone who is insecure.
Thanku
I love silence!
this guys already insane as are the people who cant see what he is, GYM =D air brushes his own face on the thumbnail as only women used to do not so long ago =D anyone not laughing at this guy is seriously lacking
Short drive, too.
"you're actually a boring person who repeats themselves all the time and lies a lot" lol, that's so spot on.
Wait??!! Whaaa!?! Your statement of his interpretations was spot on or he was spot on???? I'm confused 😮!!!!AW HELL!!! Now it's on , damn it I don't know where I'm at?!!!😂
lol I must have missed that line 😂
5:49 😂 ya it’s accurate AF
😮😮😮 this is one I never realized was a narc characteristic.
I called him parrot for saying EVERYTHING twice. He was discarded without warning. It was magnificent!!
11min.20 was important!! The victim must not show emotion, cry, stomp feet, shout etc. This fuels them. Remember: Be indifferent. Be stoic. Be a Gray Rock.
Just free yourself.
@@Linda-f6f6k I am very free and happy! Always have a back up to have some "fun" with to get over a narcissist.
@@Linda-f6f6kIf you cant ‘grey rock’ is a great strategy.
Takes some practice!
I showed that at work and got 50150 lol 😂 then was in hospital for a day and a half not even 72 hrs and so I show up to work on Monday and you should have seen how many people were kissing my ass at work😂 cause they don’t want to be held liable. Well should have treated me and others right the first time jerk narcissists and sociopaths 😂
The Narcissistic rage is no joke. I have been getting attacked almost daily for catching him red handed cheating and therefore proving cheating. I have NEVER seen or experienced anything like this before in my life. It's pure evil HELL!
Get out of there.
Hope you escaped Tonya
You MUST MUST MUST leave. These entities will kill. Or plan to eradicate you to SAVE face. Leave. Don't look back. You are living 1. A lie. 2. The person you "thought" you married DOES NOT EXIST.
Yes, it is.
I hope you have escaped. Yes, they can't forgive you for seeing beneath the public mask :(
Most people don't understand how ignoring them is equivalent to punching them in the face except you get to move on with your life and be happy lol
Just dealt with this with my dad. After not talking to him for a couple years, he found a social media he wasn't blocked on and posted a rude comment. I typed out a big long well worded response, got everything off my chest... I was going to wait for him to read it first and then block him... And then I deleted the comment. Immediately blocked him. Didn't wait for him to read it. He doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing he controlled my emotions for even one second. He told my brother that I apparently view him as dead to me. Hopefully he realizes he's right. I didn't give him the attention he was craving.
I'm smiling.
Isn't that the best? I had the misfortune of having two narcissists as parents - malignant father and covert mother. It took me until adulthood to sort out what was going on and late adulthood to learn the types. It was so freeing to finally leave as the scapegoat in my thirties. I actually discovered myself outside of the label I was assigned.
@@rosemadder5547. BRAVO 🎉 BRAVO 👏 4- U
Plus U won't risk being charged with assault. LoL
March 13th 2024 let The healing begin free at last
I wish you peace, new life to look forward too.
Be strong, this person has no real power over you. God bless you.
They are nothing, they don’t matter, they don’t exist, they are a lie, they are soul suckers. When you don’t acknowledge them they evaporate
I'm the only non narcissist in my family. I had a very troubled young adulthood. I'd been the scapegoat of the family, they were quite delighted at my downward spiral. But I got sober. Stayed sober. Married the perfect man. Started a business that grew and became very successful. I have a beautiful life now. I went no contact a few years ago.
I ran for and won an election in a rather large city, in an important position. That was the last straw for them. I keep defying their beliefs about me (drug addicted psychopath). It made them both go crazy. The things they did to try to bring me to my knees were insane, and I gave them zero energy. Don't fall for their tactics, folks. Just stay away and pretend they never existed.
Wow…CONGRATULATIONS! That’s awesome 👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏
Well done!!!🎉
May I ask how you began breaking the mould?
I'm from the same dynamic. Since I was a young child I was forced into the role of the dysfunctional, downfall mentally ill loser. Upon awakening, I've noticed how I was misguided and manipulated into many things that made me fit the role to a tee. Requests for support and help ignored, issues used against me to justify abuse and alienation, and self destructive habits enabled. Even now trying to heal from the destruction, I'm sabotaged, ostracized, and gaslit.
Once I figured out that my family members were deliberately provoking me into a frenzy I stopped reacting to their provocation. I dissected what they were doing to their faces and let them know that I knew exactly what they were doing and Why. They NEEDED to be able to provoke me. They loved and sought me out until the day I stopped reacting.They no longer had any use for me after that. It was very freeing.
That is an amazing turn around! I’m so proud of you ❤😊
Had a friend with narcissistic traits. He was a great guy, till one night he moved the goalposts on me and tried to gaslight me. I called him out, he flew into a rage and has ghosted me since. Glad I saw his true colours, I don't need that drama in my life.
I had a similar experience with a former friend, weird guy but I always thought he was harmless. Then one day out of nowhere I found myself sitting in my lounge room with him telling me I was bipolar, and he got trigger angry when I told him that I'll be sticking with the advice of health professionals. He did get a swift kick in the arse after I marched him out of the house. That was delusional level gaslighting.
The only other time I saw him after that was when he came into my office after getting a job with my work a few years later, the dickheads job for a week was sheepishly emptying my bin before I had him moved to another area. He got himself fired shortly after.
@@Scorpionwins23 A "harmless" and "weird" guy that you apparently had an advantage of friendship with, and we don't know why he suspected you to be bipolar... And you got rid of him quickly after and felt proud when he emptied your bin. So you score pretty close to a probable narcissist.
theoretically all therapists and psychiatrists can be accused for gaslighting ,given the normal definition of the expression...
@@KibyNykraft You clearly have never been in a relationship with someone with Cluster A, B, or C behaviours. The principle of "love your neighbour " is dangerous with them, they use it to manipulate you. That's one of the things I learned in the year of therapy that I needed after I finally got myself free of the psycho. It was painful to find out that my good intentions had been used to emotionally manipulate me for years, that everything I had gone through was deliberately inflicted on me. But it was. I'm smarter now, but I paid a huge price for it, both financially and emotionally. Beware of people like that.
I’m sorry. I’m proud of you for saying something. Me and my boyfriend gas light a lot to and it’s not intentionally. I see a lot of people doing that though
Please. Also, remember. This is not a game. When a true narcissist realises you are no longer interested - things can get ugly. Quickly. Be careful. Get support
It's impossible to forget THE BIG ONE THAT GOT AWAY perpetual scar bless
A weak narc doesn't scare me. If a narc can get one over on you, then you got a lot of work ahead of you.
A narc is immature, be more mature than them!
Simple as that. If a narc scares you. Work harder. Buy cameras. Buy a gun. Secure your home. Learn how to fight. Etc.
Narcs are weak ppl. They don't scare me. I've experienced enough narcs in my life that I know not to get involved with certain ppl.
Weak ppl can't get close enough to me to ever be a threat! It may be lonely life for certain types of ppl. But not for me. I'm quite content in learning in my own mind everyday!
Keep weak minded ppl at a distance. Don't be so needy for other ppls friendship. Be needy of your own needs!
People see me as a loner type, quiet, weirdo, insecure maybe.
They don't see the inner peace of mind and confidence in being uncontrollable and untouchable. Fearing very little in life, makes you narc proof!
Having no fear is a difficult thing to cultivate tho... Having absolutely no fear of being ALONE is key!
It takes years of emotional abuse, hard work and dedication! Maybe even some tragedy thrown in the mix!! 😂😢
Good luck 🍀 😁
Of course things are getting ugly it's facing the beast and becoming emotional intelligence.
@@fubufb420
Likewise… fuck these clowns.
well said it is risky, I have set up a door bell camera now for my narc neigbbours
"They want you to become a version of them." ---> YES!!
When you withdraw, ignore them, and get on with your life, they slowly shrivel up.
It is like stopping watering a plant. It will shrivel up.
@@magnesiafrost1863 Good analogy!
I like that vision of it,stop watering a USELESS WEED
Yes!! Yes they do and I do NOT want to be like him but feel as if that's what he's transformed me into and that breaks my heart because I'm not mentally or emotionally strong enough to make it stop.
@@gloriastevens06,
Now you know, you must do something!
I dated a man that sucked the life out of me and one day was crolling around and saw a viseo about narcissism. I never really knew what that was so i watched it and saw that the person i was with was everything it mentioned. He was Catholic but i had been praying for him for some time because of the way he was acting. He ended up getting into drugs again and was a mess so i distanced myself. One day, he hit rock bottom and cried out to the Lord for help. The Lord cleansed his bidy of the drugs and set hime free. He was a totally different person after that. No more cussing, wanted to give money to the homeless, no longer selfish and every narcissistic trait was gone. I almost didnt recognize him. He was so happy and God blessed his life. I realized that he was packing literal demons through many open doors from childhood trauma. It is possible to get free but deliverance is necessary. I encourage anyone in that type of relationship to walk away and pray for that NPD person to have an encounter with the Lord. He is faithful. I'm still amazed at how different he became but that is the person God created.
Every decent, strong, genuine and emotionally intelligent person is a strong light that invariably draws these creatures, like moths to a flame. It’s their demise; just don’t let them be yours.
That's exactly it they see you they take on your life they take on your friends they let you provide to them your life but then when they start not being able to hold up the facade anymore and the real demon in them starts coming out and you start guessing that's when they go and run away.
heh.. 3 relationships in a row. last one 6.5 years with covert, for 6 years didn't understand was she stupid or smart :D ... smart as hell
I don't think it happens that way.
This is powerful! mehn!
Wise and realistic words, New World. Hoping your path is Narc-free today, and enjoying peace! Off topic--- longtime student of Astrology here. Are you as well? Blessings from Austin 🌟
“I existed before you and I will exist after you.”
Words I will meditate on today. Thank you. I appreciate you. 💕
The easiest way to unplug from a narcissist is to just pack a bag on the quiet, leave it with a friend and then when you can't take it anymore, walk out the door and don't look back. If you don't, that person will destroy your soul. Speaking from experience.
Yes. When you finally realize who they truly are, it’s best to never speak to them again.
@lilistarmessages Absolutely true. Don't tell them where you live, no phone connection. No coercion from their friends for you to get back together. Nothing. They don't deserve you at all. You are a better person.
You aren’t wrong. Until I stopped all contact entirely and completely going as far as lying that my phone number was no longer mine. She kept digging and coming and talking and pulling and trashing and making me mental. She literally had me feeling like I was completely insane. Not even an exaggeration. I was so scared. Been almost a year and things are getting better.
I'm stuck, he's my step dad, he's been abusing my mom since they met in 2007... I recently found her after she went to get some help with her mental health 25 years ago. She's got Parkinson's and had a stroke... She's very dependent upon him and he's now trying to control me. BTW she's 79. He wants her totally dependent upon him. 2 days ago he blew up at her and became mentally and emotionally abusive, yelling at her and cussing her for forgetting something he had said a week ago.
@user-xd2ml8dn9h Is there any way you can get the Police involved in this?
She needs help to get out of that situation and either be with you or in nursing care. Her last years need to be peaceful and pleasant. God bless you both.
I’ve been No Contact for over 4 YEARS now, and it feels amazing taking the power and control back! Once you learn to focus on yourself and forget about the narcissist’s existence altogether, life just gets brighter and better ❤
Yet here you are talking about them 😂
Just going no contact now.... I'm going to miss my dad. 😢 He's a great man. But my wife and I are already closer for it...... I am wide awake at 4am (it's been two days since the blowout) and she is laying here with a hand resting on me (sleeping) because she knows I am upset. She's sleeping, but her affirming touch has been as much as possible. She's not usually this touchy. But she's amping it up because I have told her that touch is calming. Thanks for the comment, I have been flipping between a feeling of freedom and immense loss and needed to hear that the long term will be positive. Fortunately my brother and I are steady and talk almost daily, not about that... But at least I still have a part of my family left.
Looking forward to it 😅
So, you like being in power that's interesting how didn't you have power before when you had been with them?
@@matthewball8147Bless you. Super hard stuff indeed!
As a thriver of a Narcissistic abusive mother who used my recovery and childhood experiences as the building blocks to become a professional Counsellor, I say the greatest revenge is "to get on with your own life".
there is no revenge.. but the aim is to break free
@@ezrc9294 nicely put 😀
That is wonderful. Congrats.
@@ezrc9294which is a revenge within itself because they deemed you as a possession
And you rejected them which is very painful to them. Hahaha
My mum has always been jealous of me. Is this a narc trait? She hates to see me succeed and likes to hear my struggles. I’m about to cut all contact again for my own happiness
My neighbour is one. He has CCTV cameras up, but when I had my garden vegetables stolen and put some up, all legally sited, he started a whole sh*t show, complaning to the landlord, council etc. They all ignored him. So one day , he came out into a communal area of garden and said to me 'see this bit of land here? You don't own it!' , to which I replied ' But, neither do you!'.
He completely shut down, his little eyes swivelling in his head, till he blurted out ' well see those cameras? I saw you moving them so they're looking in my window '. The CCTV installer laughed at that - they're screwed into position and can't be moved.
What really started it was that I was in the garden one day, too busy to notice him, and he took umbrage because, as the centre of the universe, he had been ignored ...
Insignificant littleprick.
@adinamedrea5303 Yes it is. Don't engage with them. Being a very cold, grey, rock sends them into a tailspin. Once you see how empty they are inside you wonder how did I ever trust those fakers?
Simple, they were mirroring your best traits in order to insert themselves into your world.
If that’s what you think is narcissistic personality you are wrong. This is just a stupid person who wants to dominate with obvious tactics. A narc is veiled in his tactics, always and you never see it coming. Please keep learning more about this behavior as you haven’t truely come across one yet but when you do, these posts will certainly help you.
It’s 2am here.. and I am up with so much hurt, anxiety, and fear in my heart from a narcissistic husband. He gas lights me, lies to me constantly, invalidates my feelings, belittles motherhood, and gets livid every time I confront his lies!
I am so hurt and weak. Today I made some progress to escape from this marriage.
I need strength
@wildestdreams6887 I don't think you should think about it just now, just do it and we all know you are doing the right thing! I pray you will be protected from him and keep reading about going no contact! You will have to grieve and heal and have some positive support to sustain this!
Don't confront him just quietly go about preparing to leave in secret until the right time.
Just know that this too shall pass. There WILL come a day when the fear and humiliation has left, when you will feel free and laugh spontaneously, when you are at peace and strong and healthy again. I was broken and sick but now I'm fine. God give you strength and courage. ❤
You are stronger than you think. Turn to God!
Its 1:11am and I feel the same
Is there a woman's shelter for domestic abuse nearby? Many communities have them.
"I'm a person separate to you. That is the ultimate defiance. I am a human being separate to you." Wow! Thank you for this, this might be the single greatest piece of advice for my personal situation with a narc-fueled family structure that has poisoned me my entire life to believe I am non-existent or just a toy for them to manipulate and disrespect.
I had the same experience.
@@Julie-z1b I hope we both can fully heal and find the happiness we deserve.
What an eye opener! Thank you Richard Grannon 🙏
exactly
My ex is a narcissist & the day he realized I was not only done with him but I was indifferent towards him was priceless...I'll never forget the look on his face & tone of his voice...🥰🥰🥰
Let me guess. He turned into a child
You sound like an evil person. A good person would show compassion for their spouse. A good person would not de-humanize their spouse with an unreliable science (i.e. Psychology); comprised of fake labels (e.g. Narcissist) for common human behavior.
There are examples distinct types (alpha/beta) of males and females in the Holy Scriptures. The archetypes exist in nature for a purpose. To demonize one type or the other is to mock the God who created them.
Ohhhhh... I hear ur smile through these words 😊
He is probably down at the junior college right now picking up 20 year olds! WINNING!
@@goombah226More like looking like a complete pervert.
I’ve noticed as I find more success in life that there are certain “friends” that appear to be rooting for me to fail. People that seem really nice when you aren’t doing well, but seem to be offended when you become more successful.
Yes same and I stopped responding to a friends messages after a 10 year friendship - when I realised for sure she was enjoying my bad circumstances in my life at the time. She didn’t come over to say “what’s wrong are you okay?” No she just knew I’d worked her out and never contacted me again. If a long term friend of mine stopped answering my messages the first thing I would do is ask are you okay? I have not missed her as she added nothing to my life she was basically living from taking my life as a drama to go and gossip about. After knowing her for about 2 years I remember catching a really contemptuous look on her face it just flashed for a second and I literally had chills from it but I convinced myself I was imagining things - never ignore your gut feeling
Yes dude! I was an addict for a decade. I'm 7 years clean now, and 3 years ago I started school, became an EMT, and when I got my first job as an EMT my son's dad HATED it. He tried everything to stop me. Even though I was bettering our sons prospects and his life in the process. He acts like I did basically nothing special. Same with my dad. He called me lazy last time I spoke to him, and I work 24 hour shifts 😂 both losers.
@@rosemadder5547 good for you! Also in recovery myself and went back to education and started my own business. Hope you love your job and your son will be taking all this in even if he’s not saying it now - he can see you respect yourself and doing well ❤️🔥
That's my family. They love when I'm depressed, Fat, addicted, miserable. Any time I get into shape, happier. Etc is when they act concerned and pretend something is wrong with me. Fucked my life up bad.
It's not offense... it's jealousy. They become jealous hater's
I personally believe they want you to feel as miserable as they do. They also don't want an adult relationship but a dog that listens to every command they give (is my personal experience). And yes, if you don't do what they say/behave the way they expect, they will act out like some children would.
Do be carefull with not giving them any emotional supply though, because some can lash out even more to try and get the response they want.
Be safe. If you can, remove them from your life. You'll feel so much better.
Yeah if you stop giving emotional supply they will try to provoke you with something triggering that will make you emotional.
I agree. Misery loves company, and I think if you don't come down to their level of misery, it further injures and infuriates them. How dare you be happy without their permission? 😂
They need a Stepford wife
Yes, this!
I know! My Mom said once " we've let you do what you wanted to do these last years and that was fine", dragging my Dad into it as imaginary support, and when it was clearly not fine for her, but I'm 52!, just an adult leading her normal adult life.
'They don't care if you love/hate them '. I agree. Hate is not the opposite of love bc you are still thinking of them. Apathy is the opposite of love, because you give no more energy/thought to them. That's essentially negligence. And it KILLS them.
Well said and true! ♥️
Thank you for this! I had to see it in writing to understand how I have finally managed to discard the covert narcissist i have been struggling to get rid of for the past 4 years. It feels so liberating and I have so much serenity in me now. I got so bored with his temper tantrums and rage that I was able to distance myself from him and I am now free.
@@tmking7483hate is negative of love not opposite
Hass ist nicht gelungene Liebe. Gleichgueltigkeit ist das Gegenteil von Liebe.
Fear ...
Is the opposite of love ...
When you said that the narcissist never intended to keep you or build something but they always intended to discard you... was so real.😢 The reality that I never stood a chance and the whole thing was false from the beginning is so painful and sobering... but I deeply appreciate this truth. I only want to live in the truth. Thank you for all of your work and videos I'm learning a lot❤
❤️ 😢 after 10 years I was told they never loved me, just married me for sex … and then I was supposed to forget all about that and keep living the lie, smh. True narcissist right there.
At least now I’ve been in a much happier life for the past 9 years… Meanwhile, the narcissist keeps cycling thru mini relationships where someone sees them for their real self, and then immediately bails! 🙄
I felt that too but it’s the truth! They don’t want you the don’t want to grow with you or have interest in your life emotionally or have any sensitivity towards you. God mine was so bad I would literally be told where to look and if I didn’t he would name call me - if I did anything for myself, like get my hair done or nails done to make me feel special or sexy in anyway that was criticised too. I was mush by the end of it! All because the attention wasn’t on him or given to him!!
For me it's been so difficult to let her go in my mind, even though she left me.
@@TurinTurumba Keep getting your self-respect back. So she's not who she said she was. If you remember that fact, it will be MUCH EASIER not to have temptations of pretending like she's the MASK that she wore all along. You deserve better and you can do this, man!
😢
I am blind to narcissism. I was raised with narcissists in my family and while I knew something was wrong, I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was never good enough even though I have been very successful in life, and am subjected to a recitation of my “deep personal flaws” whenever we meet. Low contact is the answer.
Yeah i wish i could go fully no contact but life circumstances dont allow for that right now
No contact is the real answer. I had the same abusive mother who taught my siblings to be cruel to me all my life whike i did everything good. Their evil brought me closer to God. I came to terms with their evil and after many yrs gave these evil people to God, and let go forever and I didn't have to forgive evil them to feel better. I made sure i disowned both of them in my will and feel great. Amen!
That is so true "I existed before him and I Will exist after this awful relationship and narcissistic person" Thank You so much Richard!
Awful is too dramatic of a word for them. How about 'subpar'?
That is exactly what I said to myself the other day. 🙏🏼💗🌸☀️ thank you.
@@SacredEarthEssentials ajá exactly I Say that to myself!
@@immavibe8121 ughhh I shudder bc I know a Narc that used to use the term "subpar"
Send a txt to ☝️☝️, to keep track of your spying narc..
Number 7. Turn the other cheek to walk away. Revenge just keeps you stuck at their level. This is my ultimate freedom from 14 years of torture. Great video!
I’m going on 14 years as well. I was stalked,threatened and forced into getting pregnant. Had to live with his parents & brother until 3 1/2 years ago and they’re all just as bad,some much worse than he is (my kid is 11 1/2 now).
I’ve been learning to get my license when he’s away at work on my days off of work,& I’m halfway there. I plan to do delivery services as a second job & try to save up for my own place to escape.
I already pay most of the bills so it won’t be much different.
I was in it for 14 years too.. Sad to say my son was in it to. They are psychopaths to the core..
14 years on the job then 10 years of actually dating
@catherinenguyen9864 my kid & his dad get along
@@momentsformoms9467 sorry for that,you are trully a special soul,may God be with you,id like to hear your story and maybe share with others to help them not suffer like you have,your future is bright and you have a fighting heart,all the best in your endevourse,love from Kenya
Best last words to a narcissist: “ *When I first met you I was blown away by how intelligent and witty I thought you were* (insert whatever image they try to project here) *but now that I’ve gotten to know you I realize you are just so…. average* “
Then walk away and NEVER speak to them again. 👋🏻
That would have been the perfect thing to say but I didn’t. At least now, I can think it. I used to be obsessed with seeing them or more accurately them seeing me all together and happy and successful. Still being that “ good sunflower”, looking to them for approval or vengeance or whatever. They really were just average, Lol. The spell is finally broken, thank God.
@@brendaplunkett8659 yes, thank God for your freedom! As I’m sure you know, the best “vengeance” is when you move on and heal ❤️ and, most importantly in my opinion, when you *NEVER* give them your energy again 🙏🏻
Really good. We could always add "boring" as well.
Thinking back....my covert narc could burly hold a conversation with me, with everyone else though, very different 🤔
@@christie991 ohhh yes “boring” is a great addition - and accurate! 🥱
1. Deny their importance
2. Act outside of their wrong perception of you.
3. Make them feel insignificant
4. Do not offer help to point out their weakness...
5. Offer no supply - turn off your emotions
6. Live your life well without them.
7. Stop engaging.
In one word: IGNORE
This doesnt work with my cov narc hub.
A thousand high fives to the four above steps!!!
Thanks 👍
@@jesusslushies2192if he’s still your husband you aren’t doing this right. Run away. Ffs
@@LuisA-fc3oxdon't further abuse this victim.
Living well is the best revenge. If you’re still thinking about the narcissist, you’re still on their hook.
If you're watching this kind of videos, you probably still are 😂
@@BifidokKefir Nah. I’m trying to figure out if I have or have ever had a narcissist in my life. I don’t think so. Just crazy people
yes
Excellent point. “The best revenge is a life well lived.”
Ofc i am this is my parent i thought i could trust them from not upending my entire life 💀
Avoid them!!!
The day he said "I thought that I married your mother" I knew we were done. Raised by two narcissistic parents who I could never please, married to a narcissistic man who I could never please. My life has been a roller-coaster ride of fighting the long-term damage to myself. This video is "spot on" in so many ways.
I wished I had parents who cared enough so I can try to please them. You sound like entitled
@@GR-uk5ou I would caution you to be very careful throwing a word like "entitled" around without knowing someone's back story.
I am a 69 yr old female who was told that college would not be allowed because it was expected of me to continue to work in the family business. I graduated with a regents degree and a regents scholarship. It went to waste. Why? Because my parents' immediate needs were more important than my future. What I just shared in this statement is the tip of the iceberg of what my life was like growing up in connection with parents who only cared about themselves. I have spent the last 15 yrs healing from an emotionally and physically abusive marriage that I stayed in to protect my two children. I fled with nothing because my lawyer was intimidated by my ex's mob associates. I was fortunate to escape with my life. I kept my initial statement short and sweet because I didn't want to share all the details of why I am a survivor of heavy narcissism that has surrounded me my entire life. Don't even attempt to try to call me out when you know nothing about me. That word "entitled"? That is how narcissists feel about themselves. In their world they are "owed" and they really don't care who they stomp on to get what they perceive they "deserve". It would serve you well to understand that you picked the wrong person to throw that label onto.
@@GR-uk5ou...I find it interesting that you would choose the word "entitled" for that is exactly how narcissists live their lives, believing that they are entitled. I chose not to divulge the pain of my past in that initial statement. My parents were cold, calculating users. As the oldest child I caught the massive brunt of their abuse. I was beaten regularly. Not punishment but beatings. Why? Because I didn't finish a chore, or I burnt the potatoes, or I "lied" about something. And on and on it went. I learned as a small child that the truth was never believed. I married a man who love bombed me. And when the honeymoon was over he began the same insidious emotional abuse and using the tool of intimidation over and over again. Cheating, lieing and thievery all because he felt entitled. I lived in fear throughout my childhood and then stepped right into it again in my marriage. I would caution you to be careful how you speak to a very knowledgeable survivor of a lifetime of narcissist abuse.
@@GR-uk5ou...Honestly that statement in and of itself is exactly how a person will gaslight another. I know what I know about my life experiences and that is all that matters to me. Bait refused.
@@2cats24GOD🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯
This should be taught in high schools..... save a lot of people from a lot of misery
Maybe even earlier when kids are more impressionable and willing to listen before it's too late. They may have narc parents too, so teaching them how to navigate them will help stop them from being a narc too
Why would a narcissistic government teach this to their slaves?
Unfortunately, the education system was established to create labor force, not teach people how to live.
Why would a narc government tell this to their servants
@GrubbySalad Yea true
41 years with him.
I finally understand. Thank u
It’s not until you’re out that you can see it ❤
"one short dull chapter in my life" I really like that. It describes my experience with a narcissist as a supposed "best friend".
Let me just add some additional mortification vehicles: Staying no contact and ignoring smear campaigns and reverse hoover attempts. It’s harder than it seems, I know. Good video and well done, Richard 👏👏💪
What’s a reverse hoover attempt?
@@alicelovescats888 Usually when person A has devalued and discarded person B, and then does something that encourages person B to try take the responsibility/actions to reconcile and get back toghether, instead of person A doing it themselves, usually due to pride/grandiosity/shame/perceived infallibility. In more extreme cases I think this could also be applied to person A trying to provoke person B to simply break a no contact protocol by for example smearing. Some really horryfying shit. Between the lines my comment referred to the campaign Sam Vaknin is waging in this manner at the moment. It's become quite ugly and undignified.
my ex currently has a smear campaign going and hoping for a reverse hoover! Trying to poke me and ignore me so I react and reach out. Nothing will penetrate my armour this time!! 12 years of the abuse and games, 6 attempts to escape!!!
@@3timesacharm586 Stay strong my friend.
@@alicelovescats888 here is a real life example. I enabled no contact after the narc smeared me to our friend circle resulting in no one talking to me. She proceeded to post much more than usual, fawning over her new coterie and making sure to post things that would irritate me. Theoretically, I would reach out pissed off, curse her out and try to defend myself to our acquaintances. I realized this after previously succumbing to silent treatment by calling her to ask if I had done something wrong, a reverse hoover success! This time, I allowed the smear campaign to continue, blocked the mutuals, and moved forward. The point of the reverse is to get the target/supply to reach out thus hoovering themselves and allowing the narc to parade the target to others like "See how obsessed they are? They won't leave me alone"
My favorite part is when they deny factual proof of being wrong. I commonly say that a narcissist would tell a carpenter how to build a house, but not know how to swing a hammer
This is more real than one might think. This literally happened to my husband from a “friend”.
Mines is a Master Carpenter, so he thinks he knows everything...lol
“Devalue and Discard’ that’s what I did and he stalked me for months. He couldn’t bear the humiliation of being left and being insignificant. Well said Richard. You have taken me from broken to rising from the ashes as a proud empath. Thank you. 🙏❤
20years after leaving my ex-husband alcoholic narcissistic abuser he is still reaking havoc on my life and stealing any joy that he finds out through others and stalking me.
@@susanbrown4137 so sorry to hear this. Take care of you.
Mine stalked too.
My mother is a narcissist while my dad is the cool type. But I have found out that mostly ladies I want to marry are narcissists. May dad is late now of heart broken of the type of wife he got married to. PLEASE WHO CAN AN EMPATH LIKE ME MARRY😢😢😢
Yep mine said I’ll be the first to leave her she always do the leaving
“Their view of you will probably be off in quite a significant way”…WOW. For me this is what messed me up the most, as someone who struggles maintaining a steady, concrete sense of self, hearing someone whom I thought knew me describe me as something I completely didn’t resonate with. I questioned myself, beat myself up, and felt shame for so long after that relationship. It’s been three years and I still find myself reliving lightning like flashes of stomach turning panic when I hear their words reverberate through out my mind again. I believe they reflect onto you your worst fears, and their own inner most insecurities, they paint you with the colors you fear and they loathe the most. They read you in part just to be able to launch this exact attack on you later. The things they so desperately attempt to project as being their authentic self to the public, are the things they twist and pervert and use against others.
So true. Well said. I still hear that critical voice sometimes now but I question it in the now. Stand up to it and challenge it. How dare this person try to define me? Especially considering who they are NOT.
Yes!!! Love to you❤❤❤ the mindfuck is real😝😝😝
That statement exactly! I have to view my other relationships to validate who I truly am. There’s only one person in my life that views me in this way..hmmm🤔
I define myself. I allow no one to do that for me. I define myself because I know who I am - and I am a respectable, successful individual who has value and worth. Because I have scruples, I can walk with my head held high. There's no 'shame' in being me.
Beautifully said. Very sad if you were brought up deep inside this toxic family dynamic. It means you have to unravel the false beliefs about YOURSELF that have been hammered into you since you were little. No easy feat & often can take years to reach inner calm where we are no longer feeling triggered. It can seem to take over your life but I’m convinced that ‘sitting in the muck so I can clean it up’ is the ugly work that I MUST do so that I can truly show up for myself & move forward. For me, dealing with narcissistic friends, bosses & co- workers has been a battle but I’ve learned so much about myself & become resilient. It’s harder to process familial narcissism if you were groomed the way I was. However, I’m changing with the times & acquiring so many tools to reframe all the abuse. Meditation & many other ways of being mindful have & continue to help me break away from the rumination & other losses sustained from narcissistic abuses I’ve experienced. Major advancement happens when we detach from the abuse & see it as an external entity that wasn’t my fault( I was a child) & that I can’t change the facts of how I was treated, but I can certainly make a conscious choice to not define my inner sense of self by another human’s lack of compassion toward me. I finally learned to be empathetic toward my self & am cutting toxic people out of my life.
There are a lot of toxic people out there. We are learning to be immune to their venom.
I’m realizing I’m surrounded by these people, normally I would think I’m problem but I’m not, these people are vicious
They're jealous bitter weirdos who God punished with misery 🤷🏾♀️
One of the consistencies I've noticed among NPDs is shallowness. Over time, I've marveled at how little there is to them, their intellects, and their views. I don't think less of them for it, but the consistency of that trait among them is surprising.
They are BORING. I think that's why they need the drama and the power struggles, as if those things are the only ways to make life interesting.
@@jaialaiwarrior -- You are onto something there. The goofiest part of the dramas they seek is that they're lifted from shitty, TV melodramas. And then there you are, listening to their stale rendition of some half-assed TV show. I mean you're really straining to remember which show it is, so you can call them out on their bullshit. The problem is, you're still playing in their litter box when your time would be better spent packing.
Their walking dead corpses
This is why no contact is essential! Finding dozens of reasons why no contact should be done!
Get out! STAY OUT!
It’s soooo worth it!
Yah.. Treat Narcissist's as If they are COVID 19! LOLOL! NO CONTACT!
I changed churches to disengage from a narcissistic neighbor.
Not a good analogy. Narcissist is real.
No contact will drive them completely insane. How satisfying.
@@blisteredblues1255 they are already insane but I want to drive them mad
When you feel regret for not knowing better or getting away sooner tell yourself; "I did the best I could with what I had". Be kind to yourself. There's a reason why they gaslight, they knew u would've left. But eventually you figured it out. And if you're not out yet, you are doing your best to survive. The fact that your watching this is a step out that door. Awareness is always the first step. Keep going. You deserve to have yourself back and live freely. 🌻
I've been at the end of narcissistic rage and I wouldn't be lying if I said I couldn't speak for a couple of minutes, I was in shock! Pure venom. And can I add, the reason for the outburst was because I said 'no' to her for a very good reason and for the first time in my life 😢
Yeah it's terrible. I'm sorry you went through that. I had the same experience only because I once tipped 15% instead of 20%. No comment! They are unwell, it's a sickness.
Same exact thing happened to me, as soon as you don't do what they want ... pure venom
Yeah I've been at the end of this so many times with my now ex as of yesterday I finally told him no more chances. I got tired of being used and abused. It's so sad that so many people are narcissistic and evil these days. That rage is scary.
She would like to kill you for that.
Yea .. showing her true colors, didn't she? I hope that, at any point, that this will help you indifferentiate yourself from her as this is your way out.
Im 25 years in, 10 years aware, 5 years of detaching and maybe one day I will be free
Me, too. God bless! Let’s make it happen!!!
Staying un-engaged with them is absolutely essential. Let their words roll off as unimportant. No physical contact.
Do nothing for them. Say NO, and say it often. They must handle every aspect of their own life, or it doesn't get handled. Their expectations are not your obligations. You owe them nothing, especially not yourself.
They are NOT part of your life. If they want to trail along in your wake, fine. If not, also fine. Live your life. Grow. Be who you are.
Same. I want out so bad but don't know how.
@@hydeparkacademy7107 That's great advice! My therapist says the same - not even to cook for him. We still have one teen in the house so I make supper. But everything else is off the table. Family vacations are hell. Any tips on how to avoid them or extended family holidays with them. He won't tell his family we are separating. It's hell.
@@STEPHANIEJANIGIAN-xp8mm it's awful, I'm sorry. Keep connected to these sites and there are support groups. This is not something usually people want to talk about, so it's important to remember yo@ur not alone.
You are so right. They try to derail you from purpose, your focus. Get the courage to honor yourself and your goals first. 😊
Yes, yes, YES!
I can attest that the only thing that does not feed into their drama is calm, quiet confidence and indifference. I tried many times to break up with my narc ex-boyfriend while emotional, angry, hurt, crying, etc…. It did not stick until I was able to calmly and unemotionally convince him that I could not give him what he wanted and that he should look for someone who could. That was complete BS of course- the only thing he deserves is to reap the bitter fruit of his own sick personality disorder. But it worked.
But narcissists are made in childhood. They never aspired to it! Never asked to be a narcissist!
And strangely enough, they usually have no clue they are sabotaging their relationships with these traits! None at all!
So while I understand your anger, and I have some of my own for my narcissist, I still have plenty of compassion for them.
I don't want to deal with them daily anymore, but deep down, I hope they will overcome or at least control their narcissistic traits and have happier lives! Because I am pulling for them. They are lovely, fascinating people outside of their narcissistic traits! It was those traits that drove me away. Otherwise I'd love to be still involved with the last one. Lots of positives but the negatives were way, WAY to much to deal with.
I'm sad I had to leave. And I'm very sad they are so afflicted!!! And don't seem to even know it, yet.
It is a tragic situation all around!
I don't blame them, but I will if they don't do something to learn how to cope with it!
Being ill is not a shameful thing. Refusing to get help is!
@@PsulOrtizI would argue that more often than not, they ARE aware of their broken state and CHOSE to hurt others to keep their own narcissist driven high going, and internally say to themselves, to heck with the damage they are causing others. Self awareness isn’t enough to say a person has potential. Self awareness combined with the real, non-lip-service-level of self work it takes to become a good human being is what makes a person worth having tender feeling for. Otherwise, showing them any care does nothing good for anyone.
I literally played crazy to get rid of one, it worked, I was "psycho" in his eyes,I don't care what they think,they left me alone and I never contacted them again, blocked them everywhere,now thriving.
@@Grannievore Yup they are aware, and what they do is always deliberate
I referred one to God and Jesus and got banned.
This guy has a SUPERNATURAL UNDERSTANDING OF THESE BEINGS
Its just an awarness you develop after having to deal with those type of people
" they don't care if you love them or hate them, as long as they are significant" - so true.
Thanks, learning a lot from this information.
I've been married for 43 years and yes I was brainwashed. It's is the hardest thing to get through. He made me think he was the only one who didn't lie, the only one I can trust, i must take my money out of the bank dont trust a bank. Put it in a safe at home.and he is the only one who is there for me. No family or friends at all but him. I have been doing this for 43 years. I got me a storage room and I slowly got my stuff out. I left him. And he isn't happy about it.
I’m in the process of doing the same
Good luck in your process. You are older, but you can still enjoy a good life now in freedom. I hope you can build a support network- support groups for abuse victims are brilliant xx
Never too late to walk away and dump the sh!t in the bin.
Congratulations & Bless you!
😮
God, if I'd seen this stuff back when I was in middle school and high school, I'd probably have been saved loads of headache and heartache! I'm going to share this with my pre-teen daughter. She's got a LOT of 'friends' like this - narcissism starts young!!
It comes from childhood. The scary part is if a parent is npd or borderline..they seek empathetic codependent people to devour. My father is bpd and my mother was codependent. The sad part for me that took me totally being broken by my ex wife trying to love her enough to change her(codependent) and codependent on her opinion of me, trying to change the way she saw me almost destroyed me spiritually. I am on the road to recovery with alot of support and therapy. Self care and awareness of our own tendencies can make us more aware not to let it happen again. Typically kids who have been abused and abandoned are highly susceptible to becoming NPD BPD or codependent
My mother. Its almost impossible to get out of because I was a very small child...and she is dead now, so I can't talk about it (as if I ever could).
Most teens are naturally Narcissistic, they're still trying to put together who they are while going through huge amounts of change. There are exceptions to this rule, children raised by Narcissists have either had the decision made for them or have to choose to deprograme themselves or go the route of the parent. These kids can be a little messed up as they don't always know any better. There's also kids who are just Cluster Bs from the earliest age if they have good or bad parents, they are the ones to keep your kids away from.
True friends don't act like narcissists. Those who are worth your time won't purposely and continually make you angry or upset.
@@ganymeade5151 hence the quotes around the word friends.. 😉
Yes, "one short dull chapter in my life" truly sums it up. Most of us have been through rough chapters. Putting into perspective and moving forward=healing.
When I was playing cat and mouse with a criminal narcissist, it was pretty exciting. The level of terror is difficult, but very interesting to recapitulate. When I was really young my mom beat me for a year, calculated, above the hairline (everyone thought I just didn't want to wash my hair), on my chest, my ass, my back (so no one would see it when I had a tank top or shorts on), I got to a point where I just watched her beat me. I knew she'd was going to kill me one day so I never went back, but asking for help was just absurd in my community. The decision making in the eyes, the non-human quality, and just watching her fall deeper and deeper into that over the months, was also interesting. Watching how it was so easy for my sister to create a narrative in my family that everyone believed. Watching people become flying monkeys. It's kind of fascinating as hell, but I wouldn't tell anyone that in my real life...
What I learned is there is no amount of hell you can withstand that will bring their souls back from wherever they go as they lose that humanness, that light, in their eyes. I feel so utterly sad for them. I also realized as I was writing this, a deeper layer of understanding of a concept written about by Nelson Mandela. The initiator of coercion commits more violence against his own soul, as those he violates. Ultimately, if you survive, this makes for an incredibly interesting understanding of sociology.
But yeah, beyond that, I could have been with a community that was creating parallel values to the current consensus, but knowing the enemy is important, too. "So it goes...." Vonnegut 😭😂❤️
The "one short dull chapter in my life " have just become the sharpest words in my life...i had no words to put to my ex's narc ways...and now I do...its up lifting after everything he did...the lying..cheating...its everyone else that's wrong...etc is so dull now...
I used to focus on the years I wasted with my daughters father. But in the overall view of life, 14 years is a very short chapter in my life 😊❤ Perspective is everything.
it's not short though. it's all my life though i still have my rest of my life to figure it out
Yes, one full chapter of my life.
But the chapter was nearly 30 years long!
I am ashamed and embarrassed to even think about what it all means.
I'm an old man now. I have wasted my adulthood!
WASTED IT! 28, 29 YEARS OF WASTED TIME TRYING TO BE WHAT 'SPECIAL PERSON' FOR SOMEONE, BUT I NEVER MADE IT.
ANYONE can get sucked in, but 30 years??!!! Wow!!!
I knew something was off, and I had no idea what it was or how to fix it. But when you feed several of the issues into the computer it gives you a few possibilities to investigate. And being a narcissist fit like a custom fitted glove! None of the other initial possible situations even came close!
My parents are both gone now so that is a huge help for me. I don't have to deal with their weirdness, which was always difficult, very odd and not a great run up or preparation to adulthood and adult relationships! I'm fairly certain dear ol' mom was a full-blown narcassist and dad was either a junior one or he modeled/mirrored mom. She definitely had the stronger personality of the two. I think she overwhelmed him to a large degree and he got remade into what she wanted! Or needed.
So I had plenty of practice in dealing with narcissists growing up, so of the 3 major relationships I've had, looking back, all 3 certainly had many traits and characteristics of narcissists. And most likely were certifiable narcissists! Why else would there have been that attraction going on? There isn't any!
I'm alarmed to realize these things now. I am leary of even thinking about being happy with someone new or of being able to chart a new path with relationships, or even friendships.
Time will tell. At this point it seems way to much to even hope for! But humans have a strong sense of 'well, maybe, tomorrow will be better'.
And that I still have! My sense of optimism wasn't been completely extinguished!
I realized a while ago that love & hate are both "active" emotions. The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.
You stole that line ....and you know it. You knew it when you posted it.
@@Dominic-ul9xw Whaat? Are you addressing that reply to me?
This hit so hard. I was with a Narc for 6 years and it ended 3 years ago. I still cannot get that fool out of my mind!
I feel ya. You try to see the better in these people and you do your best to bring it out and its only true that you cannot change them at all.
Nailed it. Been there, done that--with not one or two narcissists but half a dozen. Remarkable what simple creatures they are. As Richard says, they are most dangerous when you either latch on to them like a lackey or antagonize them as their enemy. Truly, applying Richard's techniques has a second big effect: it not only neutralizes the power of the narcissist in your life but also empowers you, delivering an immense feeling of self-confidence.
I’m in the process of filing a divorce to my evil, narcissistic spouse of 31 years, and this video kinda strengthened me. As soon as I started detaching myself from him, he started dating online, I found motel receipts, bills on pornsites, etc… he made sure he had a new “supply “ right away even before the divorce has been filed! I see him struggling now with everything because I spoiled him then- I was his servant literally! He is a drug addict too , and i’ve been dealing with this for 30+ yrs! And so one day, I woke up and told myself… enough already. it was the best decision I have ever made! I am mentally, physically, emotionally drained lately but knowing that there are people who went through the same cycle of emotional abuse, and got out of it, really encourages me to stay focused on the goal- Treat him like he never existed, and enjoy my freedom and the beautiful life that awaits me!
You go girl. May you be blessed in your freedom.
me too 31 years…don’t know if he engaged in sexual misadventuring but possible as he is sneaky .. he abuse is more financial .. anyway 31 years too .. i am working my way out
Well done for that last push over the line … looking out for you. These personality types are the most corrosive people that one could interact with….. the Clusters B’s (not all of them) can be a lifelong battle. Stay safe.
When I told mine to get out finally. He got me 1 last time..I must pay and he was going to shoot me..and ended up shooting himself
Spot on. I went through every stage. The steps you discussed work, over time both FOR you and AGAINST them. The last contact and last words from her were: I feel like you can just so easily move on without me. My response: you are correct.
Well, well, well
I finally understand my divorce-- my manipulating husband was ready to discard me even before we married! I had never even thought of that possibility until I saw your video Richard!!! Every young woman and man needs to see this video before they enter ANY romantic relationship. This is absolutely mind blowing. In this video you paint the picture from the perspective of the narcissist- now I understand how I was used as a pawn. Had 3 children with the man and then discarded like a piece of trash.
Once a person has the diagnosis, everything else is easy!! Thank you once again for sharing your wisdom on line.
I would like your video added to our high school health education curriculum.
You rock 🎉
Going through it now same thing
I'm going through the same thing too!!! 1 child together and almost let him adopt my 7 year old but SO GLAD I listened to my intuition on it and didn't let him!¡!!
@catherinenguyen9864 I do have my little girl because she has no legal ties with him.
We are still going through the divorce proceedings for my son. It's been a dragged out process.
A LOT of this happened at work with a narc. She eventually over played their hand, she started making mistakes and was getting caught up in the lies. Because of the videos I’m watching on narcissism I was able to deal with her by taking the emotion to almost nothing. She would point out others mistakes, and all I said was I would look into it and walked away. Eventually everyone did the same and she quit!
Did she work for Howmet in Michigan? 😂 I ask because a coworker said she quit from her previous job because of this reason right here. Sounds very familiar.
My manager is a narcissist unfortunately she will never quit because she has a handy job she makes everyone's life hell
@@Cathycupcake68 eventually it will catch up to her, bet on it.
Not many comments here by people working with narcissists. It can be tough.
Grey rock worked well.
But the worst bullying I had ever experienced from her was the day I bought a new car. She went ballistic.
The little laughs slipping out as you explain some of these points is priceless. To see what’s playing out and your non reaction and composure, emotional maturity, and resiliency....all while making this a real time teaching is so clever. Bravo 👏 You're such a great teacher Richard, and this video is top quality.
Yes, those little giggles were great. Glad I wasn't the only one who caught it. I had go back a couple times just to hear it again. I got my life back over the last 4 years watching and listening to Richard. One step at a time. Thanks, Richard!
Yes, this was very entertaining to watch. I was snickering thru most of it too, he's so funny. And honestly the subject of narcissism usually makes my blood boil but this was great.
@@rnntt2mlsrn90 Congratulations! I've followed him for a long time too, life changing.
@@vanessahogan2837 Agreed! Getting on the other side of the seriousness of it all is really a huge indicator of healing.
Wait is there a shaman showdown bros.down goin down? Is he rowing with Vaknin or am I just up too late?
I'm 72 year old widow and I let my 46 year old adult narcissistic son move in when his girlfriend threw him out. I felt sorry for him, so I told him he could stay until he could find his own place to stay. That was 7 months ago. He has narcissistic personality disorder and paranoia. He wont leave and is making me miserable. The attorney wants $3000.00 to get him out with no guarantee that we would win. I live in fl and it's very hard tti get someone out of you home once you let them move in. Pray for a miracle.
Can you sell your house? And move to a condo?
Start saving all messages. Take video if you can. Buy a nanny cam if you need to
Is it your house? Sell it and move on. Good luck.
I can’t believe you can’t kick someone out of your house! That’s insane. It is prison for you in your own home. Not like that here in Canada. My house. My rules. No one stays or enters without my consent.
My ex‘s uncle KILLED his oen morher in the same Situation 😢 He murdered her in her own kitchen with a towel and then left her in the Garden for a week, got drunk, until we came with the police bc he couldnt get her the phone for days…
He was diagnosed in jail. He got 7 years and was allowed to get her money as well… this was in 2008 in Hamburg, Germany.
Took me 12 years and 4 children, before I understood that my Husband was a hidden narc and his mother is evil too…
And then left him and fought for everything for 5 years / still do…
If YOU can, MOVE out as soon as possible. It‘s unfair and heartbreaking, but SAFE ❤
Richard I have been a therapist for many years...delivering classes on various topics including NPD (a personal favourite subject) your delivery, description and overall presentation is absolutely fantastic not to mention spot on.
I lived with a Narcissistic for a couple of years (quite ironic really) so for anyone who thinks because your are educated and trained and can put up with one. You can't, in fact, it is often worse because therapists understand behaviour do we let a lot go and explain it away...but abuse is abuse full stop, no one is safe from narcissistic behaviour.
Big Fan
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.
Thanks to videos like these (no thanks to all the “marriage counselors” I saw) I am free after 34 years of Narc Abuse. I am an individual, I have “grown up!”
Narcissists are incapable of unselfish love.
I can't understand this because they must've always been a narcissist even before marriage so why marry them?
@@Cathycupcake68 Because they fake who they are and make promises they will not keep.
I always felt that because narcissists lack the ability to be reflective; or introspective, it’s basically impossible for them to understand complexity, depth or nuance.
They just seem to have cartoon perspective of the world.
They lack creativity, handle unexpected events badly, and cant put 2 + 2 together.
And when you give really helpful advice to handle situations that are easy to solve, they are grateful but dont say it, once you give advice that implies they did something wrong you are suddenly controlling. They are babies.
Ten minutes in: "turn down ALL EMOTIONAL CONTENT" - this is absolutely genius.
The opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is indifference. It makes sense that this would destroy them.
Nothing is more brutal than cutting someone off completely.
02:06 they create a CARICATURE of You. When they talk about You in behind, they talk about your caricature. Especially if you better in some way, (which is impossible) than a caricature need to be created insteat of real you.
💯 bang on! I remember being so confused as to my former npd partner’s view of me after being with them for almost 2 years. It was as if they had no idea who I am at all. Just an awful experience.
Thanks for leaving a comment, glad to hear it's an experience of the past and not the present, here's to you moving on and healing.
I had the same thing. Always a negative view which was always putting my mentality as if I'm dumb or a child.
I hear ya! It got to the point where I would laugh at his accusations because they were so wild! But I knew him well enough that he was really just calling himself out. I kinda felt sorry for his stupid ass in a way, thinking "does he really not see how he is blowing his own cover?"
My new motto!❤
"I exsited before you and I will exsit after you. You were one short chapter in my life."
Thank you so much!
After 8 years of letting him belittle me about my weight, my hair, my children and family, my jobs, ghosting, bread crumbling. I cooked, cleaned, groomed our 3 boys which I miss more than him, took care of him through his illnesses and surgeries, his constant relationships texting other women to stroke his ego since having sexual relationship was not an option anymore due to his health, I have my own money and never had to take money from him. Last August I unfortunately had to take custody of my grandchild from my daughter due to addictions. We talked about it and he said he would stand by me emotionally. Well I went Easter weekend cleaned, cooked, waited on him hand and foot and when we went to bed that night I cuddled up to hold him and he pushed my arm away, not like stop it but close. So I went to my side and went to sleep. I woke about 3 AM Easter Sunday got up showered and dressed. Had a cup of coffee reading my news. And a Easter pray popped up. I read and prayed and about 6 AM something came over me. I loaded my overnight bag up. Love my boys and went kissed him letting him know I was going back to my house to hide Easter eggs for my grandchild. He was asleep and said do what and I repeated myself and kissed him let him know I would call to let him know I made it. I drove 2 hrs almost every weekend to keep him on his pedestal. I called no answer, texted nothing back, he ghosted me. I did not chase or beg.
Everything in me screamed this 77 year old man was trying to make me choose between him and a 9 year old I felt sick. I have not called and will not. I love him but my grandchild comes first so I know it is over. I haven't figured out yet how to arrange to get my things as I have accumulated many things there I always thought someday he would change. But he never will. I can only say God bless him and God take care of my boys (dogs).
Amen
Blessings Overflowing
Call me crazy but I believe I am an earth angel. For over 40 years I have been a caregiver. Worked for 22 years one family 3 generations.
He always called me a werido but I knew I was his life line.
Your video was meant for me to see this moment.
Thank you
Everything you’ve said is correct, and I love how you are teaching others. My ex-husband of 25 years belittled, isolated, and lied to me, taking full control of our financial funds throughout our entire marriage. He would say things like, "I told you, don’t you remember?" making me feel like I was the one going crazy. He belittled me and tarnished my character to our friends, isolating me and our children while he dated other people and maintained a relationship with another family just a mile and a half away from us. He even told our children that he never wanted them.
It wasn’t until I had to get an order of protection that I truly realized how bad it was. What’s really sad is that he has high-powered friends who believe him because he’s such a good liar and narcissist. The truth will eventually come out, but it’s frightening because he’s the biggest kiss-ass you’ll ever meet. I don’t understand why people like that are admired when it’s clear who they really are, but I’ve come to realize that many people aren’t leaders-they’re followers.
I was too busy with our children and their activities to see what was happening. After hearing so many lies and exaggerations, you start to ignore them, not realizing you’re being completely played and taken advantage of until it’s too late. Please educate others about this. When you live with a narcissist, you’re deceived and lied to, and what’s worse is that I think they actually believe their own lies.
God bless you.
When I left my narcissistic ex, I had to flee the state. He didn't want to accept that we weren't together. He even went so far as to insist that we move into apartments directly above one another (so he could hear my activity, I'm sure). When I did leave the state, I had to change my number because he kept trying to call and text me and EVEN threatened to come find me and "sweep you off your feet." That was not romantic. It was terrifying. I lived in fear for months.
Men also have to leave the state. Because his ex won't want to see him doing better than when she was with him. Her groups enforce this view point.
@dennisrobinson8008 sad situation. There are some crazy chicks out there.
I’ve listened to so many videos on this topic. But you pointing at the camera and saying “Don’t you do it! Don’t you respond! Do not return that text!” That helps me the most. 🥳. Keep up the good work 🤓
What if I became a narcissistic myself while with him?
I read more on this topic and I find some tendencies in me. What should I do?
Towards the end of this video you mentioned how the abused breaks away and becomes more mature. Since I separated a month ago I really feel so much more mature.
You and Sam Vaknin are the only two people who really understand this mental Illness on a deep level!
i agree - Vaknin is also supreme.
Yes you right. I'll watch Vaknin.
Danish Basir also reveals very interesting traits like Narcissist Eyes. Voice. They use food to control you.
“Become more adult. Become more individuated.” Amen!!! 🙏🏼 yes thank you. ❤😊
One hundred per cent correct ... every word. It took me six years but I did it. I got rid. I realised I had done it when someone said to me "how's Andy?" and I said "Andy who?" I was elated.
All of these steps can happen within a 15 minute encounter too. Number 5, no supply: if you’re capable of holding your emotions, you’ll notice how many traps they lay to illicit an emotional response. It’s to bait you into making a mistake or saying something you regret. When they can’t draw that out of you, they’ll break down and start spiraling. At that moment they’ll have no choice but to “retreat” or risk social image catastrophe
Yes! They "lay traps" and ones that they KNOW will get you to react, because they watch you carefully to find points that are upsetting to you. Dang it, I grew up with 3 or 4 in mu immediate family... I would try to understand and talk to them on an "equal" level never knowing they were purposely trying to break me apart... it's almost unimaginable.
OMG!, yes my sibling exactly, hence my name..... @@yoyoma17
Yeah as soon as they know something that bothers you or gets on your nerves or hurts you especially they will just do it and do it and do it all over again to keep trying to push your buttons because that's their little power trip that they can get a reaction out of somebody else so as soon as you honestly just don't give a crap anymore then they start with all this weird other stuff like compliments and stuff that you haven't heard in freaking 20 years they get really weird and they don't really know how to take it when you just don't give a crap anymore the opposite of Love is indifference and when you finally start calling out every single little game they're playing and say nope I know what you're doing here nope I know what you're doing there then you really get them going and they start playing very dirty and nasty cuz they can't stand it they can't stand that you can see through them anymore and the best part is when you can just get away and then they start accusing you of everything that they're guilty of so it's really easy to know every single thing that they did because they'll just turn around and point the finger at you which is somewhat amusing to be honest. Then they go out to your children or anyone else that they can to badmouth you and to lie about you and they do it in a way that you can't be there to defend yourself so you just have to hope that someday the people who are foolishly listening to them and trusting their word will finally wake up and see that that's not how it was all along
@@proudamerican2133 Jeez, it's like you have been watching my family for the pat 45 years... you described them to a tee.
The more videos, and the more I read your book, Richard, the more I realize that I was taught narcissism by my mother (whom is a narcissist) and others as a way to combat my high functioning autism, which I am finally getting diagnosed with at 36. I feel like all aspies raised in the nineties were taught to be narcissistic. It was just a cultural trend. That we were so special, geniuses, etc. Then when we grow up and realize that we are actually very average, or are only smart in one particular area, it is definitely a learning curve.
As a parent of a child who is now your age I’m so glad I never hopped on that “you’re extra special, the world should know and treat you as if that’s so” crazy train. Asperger’s or not.
The message should always be “you’re so special to us. We love you for you. But the whole world will not think so and will not care. It’s a world in which you’ll need to grow a thicker skin.”
I might be in the middle of that learning curve right now.
Yep, people need an Alligator thick skin to get through life. It can be a tough, cruel world out there no matter how good, honest & loving of a person you are. Children should certainly be taught right from wrong. Good from bad, & get big kudos & encouragement from their parents that they can succeed at anything, IF they do the very hard work & put their minds to it. I was raised in the 70's & 80's by a then - * Diagnosed * Covert Narcissist & BPD mother. She didn't teach me anything except how to teach MYSELF real, tangible "street smarts" on how to survive severe physical, verbal, mental, emotional & even spiritual abuse. My Dad was a brilliantly smart, IQ Genius Level, hilariously funny man, he reminded me alot of Rodney Dangerfield. My mom abused my twin sister & I the most. Our only other sibling, my brother who's 1.5 years older, is & always has been her favorite, the "Golden Child," & her #1 "Flying Monkey." Which I'm definitely not jealous of.....he can have her LOL!! 😅
Still, even my brother had admitted to me, & would tell you, that he "grew up watching her abuse us, & remembers being only 6 & 7 years old, watching his two little sisters get the $hit beat out of them. And feeling so helpless, bcus he was "too little to stop it & protect us."
You might wonder why my Dad didn't intervene? Well, they got married at ages 19 (her) & 20 (Dad...while he was going to college for 2 Engineering degrees). He told me later in life that he thought seriously about divorcing her within their first year of marriage, bcus she "seemed prone to Histronics & weird 'fits." He said "But then you kids started coming along, & she got much better. Also, back in those days, an honorable man didn't just up & leave his wife stranded with 3 little kids in 1969. There were few work opportunities for women back then. And the jobs available didn't pay much at all."
Ok.....did anyone catch how my mom "got better" once she had babies? Narcissists LOOOVE the baby/toddler phase bcus we're 💯 % dependent on them at that age. They can dress us up real cute (we, her twins.....)she'd dress us alike like most twins, always have big curly, girly-girl beautiful ribbons in our hair etc. Twins were not NEAR as common back then as they are now. My Narc mom absolutely THRIVED off all the attention she got for having 3 such cute little kids, & twins with auburn hair & big ble eyes to boot.
Pretty much soon as we could walk & talk & have our own lots of questions about the world at all, she started the abuse.
My Dad was an Engineer in the oil & natural gas industries. He always worked very hard & was always moving up the Corporate ladder. My mom was a stay at home mom.
Once we started Kindergarten & school going forward, we DREADED going home. Bcus she'd be abusive but we'd also LIVE for when my Dad would get home from work.
Bcus once Dad was home, it was like she'd literally flip a light switch. Be Super-Mom & wife, very attentive, doted on us etc.
My Dad often had to travel overseas for a month at a time...far away to Singapore, China, Japan etc. Those were the WORST bcus she'd be a complete BEAST the whole time he was gone.
You might wonder why none of us kids ever told our Dad or anyone else about her abuse?
Keep in mind we were just KIDS, AND she'd been this way our whole lives. We just assumed this was how moms were, & that our friend's moms were the same.
It was terribly confusing for all 3 of us.
We (& my Dad) didn't realize how bad she was at all till me & twin were 14, & brother was 15.
By then, my twin was such severe Anorexic that she was in hospital weighing 79 pounds at 5ft 7in. My mom always waved that one off (literally waved it off with her hand) & would say "Oh she was just having behavioral problems."
My brother was a RAGING alcoholic & drug addict by that age.
And I had a tendency to run away.
My twin overcame her Anorexia, went on to college then her Master's. She had SEVERE CPTSD & trauma from our mom. So she estranged from our mom forever ate age 23. She's so traumatized that she estranged from the last of us, including me, 15 years ago & went on strong Psych meds for life. Bcus she joined a supposedly Christian Church that's turned out to be a Cult. Met a rich, debt free man in that Church who spoils her rotten. She's so terrified of the trauma she can't speak to ANY blood relatives or she gets horrible suicidal ideation.
My brother got sober for good 21 years ago, after too many stints in jail & rehabs to count, became a Mortgage Broker, & now owns two businesses with 26 employees & licensed in 26 states. He lives way out in Florida in his big house with his wife & is rich.
At age 15 my mom threw me into a Cult that the Government wound up shutting down a few years later. Bcus the Government deemed it a "Cult & Concentration Camp for Minors." The abuse I suffered, & witnessed other kids suffer, was unspeakable. They did not allow any medical care whatsoever. So when I got a bad infection in an organ that isn't removable, it wasn't treated.
When my Dad found out where I was under my mom's crazy custody, he moved fast. He got custody of me, & had me on a flight the very next day to live with him in the state he'd moved to for his job.
He saved my life. I was blissfully estranged from my Narc mom for over 20 years. Best years of my life!!!!!
I wasn't able to have children bcus of the damage to my reproductive organs I suffered in that Cult Narc mom put me in.
Then, in my 40's, the organ that had been so infected in the Cult started to fail. My Immune System completely crashed & quit working. I'm 53 now, but had to go on Disability 7 years ago bcus that damaged organ is so incredibly damaged. It's riddled with ulcers that aren't curable. It's not removable. I have days where I live with horrific, unbelievable pain. I found out the hard way not all pain is treatable.
I HATE not working & am too unwell to even do volunteer work, so far.
I had to give up my 25 year Fortune 500K Corporate Travel career which I LOVED, sell the small home I'd worked all my life to buy. And move an hour away from all my friends to a town where I could afford a rental on crappy Didability pay.
When I became Disabled, I just happened to be single at the time. So no help from a husband or family through all this.
My Dad passed away before I had to go on Disability, & my closest family "support system" (8 of them!) ALL died within the past 7 years.
Nobody in my family talks to each other anymore except my brother & my Narc mom talk to each other. Sadly, he's taken on alot of her traights.
I've been battling Cancer, & the last time I tried to call him, I told him my Cancer had returned & just wanted him to know.
He proceeded to SCREAM obscenities, put-downs, awful things.....for 30 minutes. So loud my phone was rattling!
I'm back in Tele-Med therapy with a Psychologist who specializes in CPTSD, family trauma, trauma, Narcissistic abuse & more.
All 3 of us kids have been through, on our own separately, thousands of hours (& dollars) of therapy just to survive.
I'm pretty much an adult Orphan now, & it hurts SO MUCH especially around the holidays. Holidays alone are sheer hell.
This isn't a "pity-poor-me" post BTW. I've been wracking my brain on how to build better community & support despite my Disability lately. I do have two people who check in on me now every single day.
I might move out of state soon to live near my favorite cousins who are close to my age.
But let this story be a warning. If you think you can change your Narcissistic boyfriend/fiancee/husband/wife/mom/Dad......whoever....YOU CAN'T.
And they are missing any "Empathy chip" most people have in their brains.
They are selfish, viciously self-centered jerks who could care less about you. They will ruin your life all day long if you let them.
STAY FAR AWAY from these people, as much as is possible, & put yourself FIRST!
Wishing never-ending unconditional love & light to everyone!
-Gigi ❤️
When they are around empaths, Super empaths, or even dark empaths they can break very quickly if you know how to outsmart them…
Being narcissistic is nothing like having a true narcissistic personality disorder. Not the same, not even close...
As I saI'd to my narc when he wanted to argue, I listened intently then said you know what, you are absolutely right and you win. Then I'd walk away.😊
I like that! Thank you!
Richard’s course is helping me tremendously to help me get over being manipulated by a narcissist. Thank you Richard!
‘You were one short dull chapter in my life!’ Love this ……. But it’s sooooo true! They are essentially very dull and can see how this phrase alone may lead to mortification. Will use it 💯
As a 61 year old female......with an extremely narcissistic mother (w/BPD)....I can appreciate this video and your very helpful tactics on detaching the self-worth parasite from your life. There was zero help available for children in the early to mid 70's .....especially in the area where my brother and I lived....(or rather survived!) I survived her absolute abuse by running away @ age 15. I had to......it was leave or die at that point. My poor younger brother endured a few more years with her but eventually was kicked out by her when he was @ 14. We lived together in a roach infested apt. and finished HS (simultaneously both working two jobs to support ourselves) .....and we both tried several times throughout the years to reestablish a "different" type of relationship with her to no avail. Her voice still lurks around in my mind from time to time.....but it is easier these days to deal with it.....except when my brother died last year from neglecting his health in so many ways...and who suffered from untreated mental health issues for years ......refusing to do the work necessary to learn healthier coping skills or rise above it. He just did NOT want to talk about the past with a professional ....AT ALL! (I was in therapy for over 10 years straight....and it helped ...especially because I had a great support system). I was so incredibly FURIOUS with our mother about my brother's tragic death and left her a nasty late night voice mail (which I regret to a very small degree) and I also sent her an email which had a video of him taking his last breath!! In my mind....SHE killed him.....SHE is responsible for my brother's long and grueling passive-aggressive suicide! I KNOW it infuriated her....but I took great comfort knowing that she has no way of contacting me... and how THAT, too, must have enraged her! Not to mention......there are very few left in her life that she can dump on....if any! I do get rare and limited info about her from a cousin that she keeps in contact with, but other than that I haven't seen or spoken with her since 1995. My son has no relationship with his grandmother AT ALL......his choice, not mine. Perhaps it is because when I caught her plying her narcissistic ways on my toddler son, I promptly nipped it in the bud and made HER leave.
Excellent insight. Blessings to you always. ❤️
@@ytcarol 🙏🏻💕
🤗🤗🤗❤ I feel & hurt for you. So sorry for the loss of your brother. Pray you'll find peace & solace. You deserve a great life.
❤Here for you if you need to talk. So similar situation . Now older and dealing with the narc from afar...dealing with all of it is traumatizing😢
sounds very similar to my family.
They’re really good early in you giving them the benefit of the doubt. Especially if you’re a person with empathy. Then it continues to go downhill.
My mother became a supreme narcissist during menopause. I became the target when I divorced and remarried. I mourned losing my sweet mother from childhood, but then she pulled her biggest card & forced my dad to have no contact with me. He would sometimes sneak a quick visit to me. I only went back to be with my daddy shortly before he became bedridden with dementia and parkinsons. I tolerated her so I could love my dad. After he passed, she attempted to keep in touch. I refused to reply in any way & cut her completely off. She had already died to me a long time ago & I don't even know the person she became. The irony is she's the one who taught me to love myself enough to NEVER take abuse from ANYONE! Walking away was easy & my life is so peaceful. I'm just thankful that she was a great mom when I was little & I still love that mom, but I've never regretted walking away from who she became.
Wow!
Thank you for sharing that ❤
❤
Wow. I love your story. Mine was the same. I used the mother from my childhood as strength to cut off this demon she morphed into. It’s divine poetic justice at its finest. Being the scapegoat has its perks. While I was able to grieve the loss of a dying mother and move on. My narc siblings and enablers are stuck with her and left to deal with the emotional trauma and conundrums of losing a narcissistic mother 💯when she does eventually die
Do you think the change happens because you became an adult or a teen.. aka more independent? When you're a child there's little to induce the narcissistic rage @@dr.a2160
Thanks! This was amazing... The sadness is turning to acceptance and I have better days Alhamdulillah. I was in a 9 years marriage to the most violent and abusive man I have ever come across (not even in movies), now I am enjoying the no contact, I am getting on with my life....
So good. For #5, going “Grey Rock” is another great strategy that is similar to what Richard explained. Going “Grey Rock” is essentially showing no emotion and seeming not interested or impressed.
I am currently trying this with my narc mother, so far her hundredth smear campaign began and followed by humiliating punishments, so predictable, she has such a grip on everyone, trying to go low contact until I have the financial ability to leave permanently
That third one, "You were not chosen to be with, you were chosen to be with and then to be discarded." Oof hit me right in the gut.
This is very good. I have suffered for 4 years from a narcissitic next door neighbour. She has nearly destroyed me. I have been arrested because of lies she has told the police about me plus all sorts of other horrid things. It has been awful. The advice here is very helpful. Thank you.
It took me 75 years to realize that my sister is a narcissist! I always stood up to her because I didn't know how dangerous she was. I lost my daughter and 2 grandkids!
Now I know NOT to confront her! I gave it to God and I believe it will come out before
I die!!! She was trying to have me put away because I'm too sensitive! Now I'm glad
I'm sensitive and an Empath! I'm the winner!!! - NOT HER!!! Thank you !!
Fairy tales never helped anyone.
I’m so sorry. It hurts the most when it’s family
Did your sister un alive your daughters and grandkids?
Thanks, Richard, for a great summation of the narcissist! For over 5 years I’ve been following you and you’ve been a tremendous help in learning to recognizing these people and recovering from their otherwise unexplainable behaviors. Much gratitude for all you’ve done and all you do!
The insight literally transformed by life - Sam Vaknin seminar with Richard was mind blowing. Then in the same time I heard Dr Ramani talking about Agreeableness and all the puzzles came straight to all the missing voids I had search for so long and I could not find the answers to social anxiety issues. Now here it is.
Msg ☝️☝️. To keep track of a cheating spouse..
Yes! Thank you Richard for everything you give us. Without your videos I would still be on the hamster wheel.
I used to wonder why they hated me going on with my life & being successful but now I get it.
This is spot on. After about 2 years I was able to do just that. Devalue him and discard. I feel so free and strong. He moved on to new supply quickly. The narcissistic mortification was on high!! Get on with your life. You WIN!!
I just wanted to say. I've been in a narcissistic relationship 'on and off' for 12 year's. I never really understood what narcissism was until I started to reflect on how my relationship made me feel and the toxic nature of it. Your video's have really helped me to gain a better understanding of what I've been going through and I feel more validated. So thank you. So much pain and anguish knowing that I now have to let go of the one person that I truly love romantically but your content has helped me to understand that for my Mental Health and my sanity it's something that I have to do. Heartbreaking and heart wrenching but my eye's are now open. In part thanks to you. A real eye opener. Who knew that this is a thing and people exist in the world that are like this. Now I do. It's made me more sceptical of human beings now but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Anyway you have informed me and helped me on a subject that I really didn't know about or understand and I didn't even know that I was in a relationship with a narcissist but now I do. What a fucking travesty! You live and learn. Honestly thanks mate you've helped me a lot.
You may be empathic. If you kind of get caught up in other people's emotions and have a strong desire to heal a broken person, that may be what's going on. It feels like 6th sense.
@@jjjackson5183 having the capacity to feel empathetic and to have heightened empathic traits are best not conflated with codependent traits, trauma bond residues, or reenactment/repetition compulsions
Hey man, just letting you know that I am in the same situation with the same timeframe invested. It is a really bitter pill to write off 12 years of invested relationship! And you know, I really though the whole time my love was going to a real person who appreciated it, but it was being shoveled into a bottomless black hole. There is phenomenal pain there, especially if you are an empath, which I am, and you may be too. The best advice I have heard so far is that it isn't just the relationship that needs to be recovered from or the other person forgiven - it is actually each upsetting event within that relationship that needs to be separately healed and attended to as its own thing. I have wound up having to do a lot of meditation and self-inquiry to uncover all this crap and start to heal it. All the best on your journey!
@@sparkythancztwise and when you have both, it feels like hell on earth.
I’m so sad your long term relationship has been so awful, but I’m so glad you have been able to realize it! Twelve years is a pretty long time to suffer through the terrible things a narcissist does. I hope you are able to get out of it and heal. And just fyi, if you have gotten out, the narcissist may try to recycle you. I think some people refer to it as hoovering, but to me, and in my case, it was recycling. There were three or four of us and the current one would get fed up, and he’d have to go and find a new supply, but it’s a lot of work to break in a new victim, so he’d try to re-engage with all the former victims. Or, of course, he’d have two or more of us going at the same time, and I am 4600 kms away, so I couldn’t always figure out what was going on. I did let him recycle me once. And now, for the past 8 years, he contacts me a few times a year, and I just ignore him. They can’t stand it when you are truly indifferent and if they think you don’t like them. But some of them never stop trying! I hope your new life, after you’ve healed, is wonderful. Cheers from 🇨🇦!
The part about becoming an adult is well spoken. Anyone who recognizes their emotional immaturity is on the road to emotional maturity. I am 65 and your advice about being an adult was given to me by my own son, now in his 30s, who lived through his narcissistic father, and did that work on his own self. I am on that journey now, putting closure 20 years after the fact on my former spouse, and my karmic lesson of an absolutely horrible property manager, who gave me no choice, but to move when she lied and reported to authorities that I was crazy and harming other tenants (As she was so authoritative and I was new to town, the hospital and police believed her)
If I had followed my son’s advice a year earlier, I would have been able to deal with her appropriately and would still be living in that lovely unit. But the upside of being turfed out of your home is that I had no choice, but to fix my own self.
you are one of many excellent resources on narcissism. Your approach is the strongest, i.e., you don’t give us a little hug and try to boost our self-esteem, you have practical advice that takes hard work, but is successful when we forge new directions for our minds. I find that my mu levels of self-confidence are coming through that success so that I will never feel trapped by an abusive person again.
❤❤❤ May God bless your path now!
Lucky you to have a great son who is strong and caring for you.
It's so true how narcissists don't even know what their partners or friends are genuinely interested in. I've had two narcissistic exes. I sometimes didn't receive gifts on my birthday or Christmas. On rare occasions when I did receive a gift, it was a leaf blower (something he needed, obviously) or some kitchen appliance, nothing fun. They truly do have a simplistic, tone-deaf view of people around them. The gift thing is a minor and petty issue, I know. Most of the scenarios Richard mentions resonate with my past experiences.
Rare gifts, but I got an oven glove and a quiche dish!
I love the sunflower 🌻 analogy makes perfect sense ☀️ let us look towards the real sun in our lives 💗 and do whats best for us 🤗 hugs to all the people going through this healing too
Great analysis, as always. Maintain zero contact. Do not talk about them or your experience with them to others. Spurn all attempts at contact by them and their tools. Mutual discard. The best revenge is success.
Man, this is so spot on. One of the strategies you described was something I accidentally discovered. As mentioned, you can never DIRECTLY challenge the narc, because this becomes an ego battle. If you can manage this obliquely, it goes past their capacity to defend and exposes their weakness, often with socially horrific results. I have done this a couple of times at social gatherings, and mentioned something within earshot of a narcissist such as "That person is probably the smartest person I think I have met" (oversimplified), when the narc I know identifies their false self strongly as intelligent, or educated. have actually had the narc storm up to me, angrily demanding on the spot to challenge them with any question to prove their superiority over the other person I mentioned. Now, to be fair, it isn't 'nice' to press anyone's buttons like this, however, if there are people in their life who haven't yet encountered the kind of monster they can turn into, it is better to let everyone know sooner rather than later!