John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue - SNL
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- Опубликовано: 1 мар 2019
- Host John Mulaney does stand-up about his wife seeing Woody Allen while pushing their dog in a stroller, subway announcements and emergency siren sounds.
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#SNL #JohnMulaney #ThomasRhett #SNL44 
Развлечения
I love how John Mulaney just likes to drop the fact that he used to do cocaine so freely
more than that i love the reaction of the crowd not knowing if they should laugh at that or not
“I will pepper in the fact that I used to do cocaine”
Ana “As that is a given.”
If you own something nobody can say anything about it
It's more common than you think lol
I once saw him on 14th and 7th and screamed, "I LOVE YOU" with the straightest face. He almost spilled his coffee but then he smiled I think we're cool.
Thank you for that completely irrelevant comment LOL "@Mentally Awakened " cool you're so funny hahahahahah I'm so impressed with your wit
Mentally Awakened brake it up you two
As a “woke” god of intelligence I can tell you that Spidyman is correct
Lordsorax , haha
Disregarding the rest of this comment section, I think that particular story is hilarious. Maybe one day he'll make a joke out of it.
john mulaney: my wife is jewish and i love her
me: you've told us 70 times. please tell me more.
JM: My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.
LOL. I’ve only seen like 5 videos and in every single one he says she’s Jewish... I love him. And her. I just discovered who he was, thanks to Pete.
he just really likes saying "My wife"
us: you've told us this story many times
john: and you'll hear it again!
ArtemisScribe “‘my wife’ just has some _kickass_ to it”
"the four of them stare" Good to know petunia was included in the mix
One thousandth like
She can't blink her eyes, by design.
and they nodded
I would love to see Woody Allen have an entire silent conversation with Petunia.
I KNOW HAHA
YAS refreshing to see an asian woman with feminine hips representing at SNL!
fotogeek96 we must bow to him
Don’t forget about how high waisted they are
@@isabelthepistachio4819
NO! That's what he's sensitive about! ;)
He's a proud Asian-American woman with feminine hips
don't that's the THING HE IS SENSITIVE ABOUT
no one:
john mulaney: my wife is jewish
no one:
John Mulaney: i have a wife
😂😂😂
bossfan49 in every stand up he does he always says something about his wife being Jewish or just mentions his wife. It happens in all his specials
It’s kind of a running joke for fans that keep up with him
@@bossfan49 It's just meme format
@@bossfan49 oh its a meme where you type no one or nobody then a colon (:) with nothing typed after it as a way of saying no one said anything/asked but John mulaney is still gonna say it.
bossfan49 oh my god
Cause I was 👉🏻 not 👉🏻 an 👉🏻 athletic 👉🏻 child
Me.
Caroline I read it as it was said in the video lol
Witty Blonde same lmao
When he mentioned "Turner Classic Movies" and "not being an athletic child," I thought he wrote that line with me in mind. ROFL!
Witty Blonde How and why did that work, though?
John Mulaney Talks Like Every Word In The Sentence Was Capitalized
He Does Though.
Looooooorddd 😭🤣🤣🤣🤣😭😭😭😭
"That's Absolutely True"
Either That Or /italicized/
This checks out.
John Mulaney looks like a gay bond villain who promised himself he wouldn't fall in love with 007
Ok
I mean... I can't say you're wrong
So true...
John Mulaney is living proof that being gay is a CHOICE. lol
Nice!
Seven and a half minutes of non-stop hilarity. No props needed. No dancing cast members to bail him out. Just Mulaney. The cold open and monologue made the best start to an SNL episode ever.
David Weidlich he has 3 specials on Netflix. Have fun
YES👏
I laughed so hard
@@tony2520 answers that question! lol
Talent
Love that Petunia, John’s French Bulldog, got an applause break.
Edit: Thanks for all the likes guys.
Alicia D and cheering, mind you lol
She’s probably more popular than John himself tbh.
for some reason my brain told me to read “French SPEAKING bulldog” and I was too easily ready to just accept that as the comment
@@val8869 lmaoo
It's the one fact I reliably know about him. When I try to remind people who he is (obviously this doesn't happen much anymore) I'd be like: 'He's little, funny, wears well tailored suits...oh! He has a French Bulldog named Petunia. You know who I'm talking about.'
What really makes John mulaney stand out is the 1950s voice and his ability to make the mundane funny. He literally made a bit about 3 people and a dog looking at each other hilarious. Side note...if you like mulaney you'll LOVE Gary gulman. He's a very underrated comic.
You're right, and I do like GG as well. Robert Mac is another comedian who deadpans and is very funny.
You're totally right! thank you for the recommendation of Gary Gulman, I've been watching some of his stand up and it's amazing!!
Came back to thank you for GG
* not sponsored by gary gulman *
Also came back to thank you for GG. Not great, but solid.
Only John Mulaney could be talking about old-timey ambulance sirens, and a gay cat in hospice holding a rabbi’s hand, and be talking about the same thing.
Right?? Such creativity.
It almost seemed like he was making a comparison about the two things. I'm a big fan of this tactic. And also sandwiches.
And making it LOL funny without being at all offensive to anyone [or thing].
You know I hope archeologists in the future read this comment out of context and it sums up our entire gen! It’s too funny
It's rare that you see the SNL band reacting to and clearly enjoying the monologue so much. Not easily impressed, I'm sure, and Mulaney completely draws them in. Bravo, John.
I forgot that they literally know him and knew him for years until I read this comment, I thought the same.
I think it helps to have a New Yorker making jokes about the Most New York Things - the audience not only relates, but they gain satisfaction in knowing that the rest of the country has no idea what he's referring to.
“DoN’t LoOk Us Up” My European History text book: *Heavy breathing*
Yikes omg this comment is so underrated😭😂😂
"Why are you shouting? What, are you in the next room?"
I feel like that did NOT get the reaction it deserves hahahah
Matthew Bight hilarious af
Matthew Bight that was my favorite line. I was crying 😂😂😂😂
That part got me good, just like the INSIDE part.
john mulaney: this is the nyc intersection where this interaction happened
me, having never been to nyc: ..... i’TS A GRID SYSTEM
Skyler Thompson where are you 24th and 5th where you wanna go 35th and 6th ELEVEN UP AND ONE OVER YA SIMPLE BITCH
Eleven up and one over ya simple bitch
@oscar75722 It's not, it's one of his jokes in his show
Awsome replies
I love how Mulaney always gives the cross streets when he tells jokes about New York
agree! makes it so much better, makes you picture the location :)
@K C rofll
I love how you turned John into an adverb.
It's kinda what "Californians" did about the West Coast freeways
It's how you know he lives there. I've been here for abour a decade and I instinctively give the cross street whenever I'm telling people a location
“Sounds like an old gay cat was dying” BRO IM DYING
Are you an old gay cat per chance?
Farare damnit i wanted to say that :,(
But not a sad death, like he'd had a full life and was holding hands with a rabbi ROFL
@@farosh-end Don't you mean _purr_ chance?
lmfaooooooooooooo
An amazing comic and truly funny man, and not a single cruel or needlessly dickish joke in sight. Offense isn't inherently funny, and Mulaney embodies that while looking and talking like a talk show presenter from the 1950s.
That is actually an outstanding summary.
You do realize that this is the same guy who wrote the Hader's Stefon character where every joke was about some freaky midget's fetish, right?
@@BuyBitcoinOnline I actually think that's a pretty good example of him realizing that some of his old bits didn't age very well no matter how funny they were (see how the last joke of the last Stefon bit was the fact that he managed to make "human squatty potty" technically PC)
This sounds like it’s targeting some other comedian? lol
Can we get him a game show?
I love how he steam rolls through the applause. Like yes, I wrote these jokes, I know they're great. Save your praise for someone that needs it.
It was probably because of the time limit he had to do his monologue; he wanted to get it all in. In a comedy club, or whatever, he would have the time to pause to allow the applause.
Me too! I almost stopped watching Colbert because his pause for applause after introducing him self was soooooo annoying. But he recently knocked it off, rolls into the show faster and I am at peace. Lol
I've never been to New York but the way mulaney tells stories makes me feel like Ive lived there my whole life.
@K C even my Hispanic families are turning "white" lmfao
Jess The Mess It’s looks & sounds just like in the movies & tv. Fun place to visit now & then but you couldn’t pay me to live there! My husband’s sister lives on Long Island & I was surprised how beautiful it is. But don’t want to live there either.
He would probably really love that complement.
I do feel jealous of the people that live in New York that get his references right away. I have to go research the new siren he's talking about.
Love living here and at times hate it
I love how he sounds like he's been doing standup since 1956
I was having breakfast and spit out my food laughing when he said "none of this is right".
That tall child is going places!
*asian american woman
This is a person an Asian American woman with feminine hips.
No one:
John Mulaney: My wife is Jewish
It's relevant to the story, though, because the whole point of it is culture clash.
no one:
john mulaney: i used to do COCAINE
No one:
You: I don’t really understand the mechanics of stand-up comedy
No one:
John Mulaney: I have a dog named petunia
No one:
John Mulaney: I have a lovely french bulldog named Petunia
John Mulaney: exists
Women in audience: whoo, whoop, woooo, woopedy-woop-whoooop
he’s a good mix of gentleman and mischief
He's really beautiful in person. I understand that excitement
is it the ears?
Well...imma guy and imma all whoop whoop woopy whoop woop
Nobody:
John Mulaney: "My wife is Jewish"
"I used to do cocaine. I would smell it up into my nose and i'd get a high from it"
-John Mulaney
Clashing Swords Productions-CSP should have been my yearbook quote :( ahahaha
@@molliek1079 pffff yooo i need to change my senior quote
Me every weekend 🙈😂
john “i used to do cocaine”
john “im happily married”
this makes me so sad :/
Nothing lasts
Me too, ugh.
You girls are thirsty. Here’s my contact info... jk
@@liggerstuxin1 FOLLOW THE DAMN TRAIN CJ
:(
"You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times, especially after sex, and it was all forced on me at birth? What if you VOLUNTARILY signed up for it??" LOL
Janette Myette 💀💀🤣🤣🤣 funny as heck
So damn funny
That’s how you do a monologue. Tight 7 mins.
You speak truth! !!
It's perfect.
i could listen to john mulaney make siren sounds all day long
One time I had a music teacher have me do this
i could listen to john mulaney all day long period
Within ten years he WILL be the host of the tonight show. You heard it here first!
He's definitely gonna be a talk show host. Move over Jimmy Fallon!
Everyone's been saying that for years now.
Honestly, I think it’ll be Davidson. I don’t really like Davidson myself, but NBC knows he’s one of the more popular personalities on SNL right now, and it doesn’t look like he’ll end up making a stable transition to feature films.
pray
God I hope not. What a waste of a good comedian that would be to put him on late night
looking at the band members faces in the background and its nice to see them enjoying it just as much as the audience
But the funniest part is that Petunia stared at Woody Allen
But not in a rude way. The guy just looks fascinating when viewed through a dog's eyes.
Yes! Someone else caught that he said "the four of them." 🤣
+
Petunia knows the day Woody Allen will die.
That joke is underated
_”The next stop is Christopher Street.”_
*”STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS!!!”*
“oh by the way, killing a waiter in the state of new york is a Class A Felony. i’ll get u some bread :)”
proud of this asian American woman!!
Tall child
@@MickiMarple your mom
Tiger mom! Very proud!
Mickaeluv_ with no eyes
With his feminine hips!
"Killing a waiter in the state of New York is a class A felony. I'll get you some bread."
😁
John Mulaney can write a goddamned joke.
"You know that strange look of shame and unhappiness I have in my eyes at all times especially after sex and it was all pushed into me at birth"
Idk why but I love that line so much, especially as a practicing Catholic since birth.
Am Catholic, can relate
@@addikay7097only americans make such a big deal about being catholic, europeans dont give a shit lol
He'd be awesome in the new season of Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. He has the stand-up chops and even has that 50's look.
an he very rarely cusses.. hes genuine as hell..
@@TwistedReality13 True!
YES!
This needs to happen
yes!! so good
His delivery is soooooooooo FUCKING good I love this guy so much
6:01 ah yes, the wild John Mulaney in his natural habitat, demonstrating his mating call
Nobody:
John: **siren noises**
Everyone: you have entered the comedy zone.
best monologue this show has seen in a while
John Mulaney is as they say a national treasure .. I used to hate that but.. he legit deserves it
check out his last monologue. literally 1a 1b.
1100% agree!!!
Donald glover better
yeah boy oh, how sad, you are offended because you will never be as successful as he is. Man, is that you Trump?
"Thou shalt not Google us!"
Billboard outside Vatican city
You telling me this guy gets on stage and talks for almost 10 minutes.
Yeah Ice it's a monologue. Hosts do them on the show. You're going to have to get used to that.
Oh, so you mean like when someone walks up on stage and makes people laugh? Or like, when someone impersonates a siren for a full minute?
@@BiggusNickus or like when a musician goes on stage ans and plays an instrument. Or like when a dancer dances
@@terrenceharris-hughes4436 Or like, when someone plays with cards on a stage? Or like, when, someone eats too much chocolate cake and barfs it up on the stage?
@@thebombspayloadisexposed or like when a magician goes on stage and pulls a rabbit out of his hat. Or when someone goes up on stage and sings
@@terrenceharris-hughes4436 Or like when someone goes up on a stage and tap dances. Or like when someone goes on a stage and draws a bunch of pictures real fast.
The funniest part of this was that Petunia got such applause.
Funny but his voice sounds like what people in the 50's thought stand up comedians should sounds like
pretty sure that's his schtick...
I always used to see him in pictures with subtitles walking like a cryptid and he just didn’t seem to stop moving. Then after assuming what his voice was I finally heard his voice yesterday and was surprised as fuc.
Jahmil that’s the best part...
He's perfection.
I think he sounds like Fozzy Bear.
2:45 "Don't Google us!" ... I die
thangnguyen02 And that one-second look immediately after that somehow communicates, “And I now realize that you indeed will do so, but I did warn you. So don’t blame me.”
If I saw John Mulaney in Alfred Hitchcock's "Rope", I would not think that anything was out of place.
Yeah, he has that 1940's look and speaking voice.
John Mulaney as the siren in "Rope"
no one:
John Mulaney: MY WIFE IS JEWISH
I HAVE A JEWISH WIFE AND SHE IS JEWISH
no one said nothing therefore someone said something
BerwynSigns ok smartass calm down there
Well, two people asked: his parents. I grew up in a catholic family and while a lot of my cousins have married all kind of different people, my aunts are totally guilty of asking if they really like someone’s significant other ... even if they cousin is 16 and it’s there first relationship 🙄.
and she’s a female person
BerwynSigns therefore everyone said something**** how you gonna correct and get it wrong
“We are now approaching...”
*looks around, nervously*
“...Christopher Street”
“MY GOD! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!”
Only if it's a secondary location.
In tears, love ya John. Gay cat dying broooooo
There are some great Conservative implications in the details of a #JohnMullaney piece.✌️
Tears, seriously?
Right??? Only John would make that association 😂😂😂👏👌
@@bluemystic7501 Yeah. I started laughing and couldn't stop. Which produced tears. It's not hard to follow.
@@jamesryder8305 What's hard to comprehend is how you found it THAT funny.
Mulvaney has such an old timey classic Hollywood feel to him and it’s so refreshing and then he throws in unexpected humor it’s like he plays to his type and against type simultaneously. Genius
He could’ve been Timon from the lion king
*Been itching for more Mulaney content; today is a dream come true!*
That itch is actually crabs.
Luke Taylor RIGHT THERE WITH YA BUDDY sorry I yelled, I was just so excited cause same
I usually don’t rewatch monologues, but this monologue is fucking good. He is so funny 😂
He's alright
@B Bennett yikes
I rewatched it too! I was looking at how much the musicians were enjoying it as well.
Allison Elizabeth exactly. He was really good
SAME
Only John Mulaney can make comedy gold over the sounds of different police sirens
well this surely hits a lot different now
Great monologue...I cannot remember the last one that's been this good. Maybe April 2018?
Ohohohohohohohohoho!!!! I see what you did there, fine person! Nicely done.
John “tiger mom” Mulaney still waiting to rent Addams Family Values.
I love how the musicians in the back are smiling so much
I feel like he secretly just gets annoyed when people clap for him in the middle of a joke or like after and that just makes him better.
I wish he just did this monologue for the whole episode
an hour of mulaney stand up > snl since 2000
You can see it! It's called kid gorgeous and it's on netflix
Also New In Town. And The Comeback Kid. All on Netflix and all total gems.
They seriously just need to let comedians do the monologue their way. This was actually decent
Tobi Makkura They have though. But I believe there were a few times some comedians were a bit too controversial for the show, and the show got some heat for it.
They do with stand up comedians. Many other people struggle with the monologue format though.
John Mulaney is so weird I love him
whats weird about him? everything to you fucking millenials is weird and random, go fuck yourself
@Ashlyn Haley nope
Damn y'all flipped the fuck out over this comment
@@minxxaii7369 fr lmao
He’s weirdly attractive for a tall child
John deserves all the love and success he’s been having.
really love hearing this guy's voice in Spider-verse tho, very talented stand up comedian , really one of the best monologues i've heard on SNL in a while
Me, at start of video: "Please, please, please let this one be as good as the previous one. Please also don't recycle any Kid Gorgeous material, because we've all seen it since then, precisely because of the previous monologue being so fantastic."
Me, at end of video: "Thank you, cool guy, for fulfilling my every request."
#TrueStory
*Bonus* : He even had new material about Petunia! 🐶
this was from his Kid Gorgeous tour, it just wasn't in the Netflix special.
@@lletnahc08 He didn't do any of this material when I saw him on the tour.
this is probably the beginnings of new material that will turn into his next tour/special cycle eventually. would make sense if he test drove it on the end of the last tour/hosting snl this time
Do you realize he used to write for SNL and he would write monologues for celebrities
@@mar-wr4io - Yes, and apparently he was co-writer on one of my single favorite monologues ever, Justin Timberlake's song about how he wasn't going to sing.
“He’s in cat hospice.”
What is it about that line that’s so melodic?
"I was watching TCM, cuz I was not an athletic child."
Same
This is the first SNL host monologue that I was able to watch all the way through to the end without weeping from embarrassment.
What about Dave Chapelle's monologue after Trump was elected? That was brilliant. I think what makes the monologue of torture is when non comedians have to open the show.
@@lgfl I haven't seen that one. Thank you - I'll look it up.
@@the8ctagon cool let me know what you think. Peace
“don’t google us” gets me every time
The old timey siren sounds he did sound exactly like our tornado sirens in Oklahoma.
IndyMode honestly tho
same in Tennessee lol!
Every Wednesday in Tulsa
@@derrickbird9676 Amen.
“Doing cocaine will not make your ex girlfriend get back together with you.”
O u c h
Born and raised in NYC. That description is completely accurate. I'm so glad that he brought up the psychology of the subway announcements. I hope he'll someday mention how the male voice reminds us that sexual harassment is illegal. Yikes!
Victor Romero they have to...remind yall that sexual harassment is illegal?
The Dallas rail announcement voice has the names of the routes spliced in or something, because she always sounds like she forgot for a moment which one we're on:
"This is the... [overly long pause] Green Line."
i am a Petunia stan first, human second.
she will always be the alpha, no matter how many times John pretends to eat dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon.
HeyItsReagan why do I feel like he’s still doing this in the hopes the power dynamic will change?
I got to meet Petunia a couple weeks ago!! She's so much cuter than I thought she'd be lol
mmmm dinner!
@@kz1000ps - so would that make her better or worse as Jesus in front of the turkey?
Is this a secret spy code??
was sad to see the siren bit cut from his special because everyone was dying laughing at it live but I’m glad it gets to live here now.
"and he's in hospice- HE'S IN CAT HOSPICE!"
^really got me
Don’t get me wrong, the monologue was hilarious, but I couldn’t get past his feminine hips.
resting just below his high waist.
Come on, that’s the thing he’s most sensitive about!
Well, he is a a proud, Asian-American woman.
This phenomenon kind of reminds me about what he says to the non-Catholics "sorry, didn't mean to exclude you, even though we love to exclude you"... We Mulaney fans are kind of the same way. We like to call out to each other in the comments, knowing full well we're going to confuse the hell out of everybody who hasn't seen the show in question and not caring because it's just so much fun to signal each other with our code.
Which reminds me: do you think he still doesn't tell that little monster when they applaud her?
No!! He's sensitive about that!!
yo he came out swinging, wasn’t expecting that!! had me in stitches 🤣👌
nope
I started crying at “STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS PLEASE” L M F A O
That clarinet player in the background looks so entertained by John Mulaney's comedy
Edit: (it's probably not a clarinet, I'm an idiot and it's 3 am)
I always love watching him crack up during monologues!
He always looks like he is having a good time. Watch him during Dave Chappell’s monologue. Thats entertaining as well.
Finally, not an actor with SNL cast members having to walk in and disrupt throughout the monologue to make it "funny".
He was once an snl writer. He knows just how the game is played!
Since he was an SNL Writer for years, they must have faith in him
Not only was he a longtime SNL writer, he's also a very experienced stand-up. He probably does funny monologues most nights of the year.
hearing john mulaney say “fun and funky beat” is all i need in my life
John: "I used to do coke..."
me: well that didnt age very well
To quote Mitch Hedberg: “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
Oof the cocaine joke hits differently now
right
It makes it a bit sadder to think about, sure, but this is a problem John has always had and there was always the possibility of relapse, especially in the situation the world just found itself in, don't let that make you stop laughing at jokes, because he would never have told them if he didn't want you to laugh at them regardless of the situation.
Ikr
:(((
what happened?
is that Pete Davidson's friend?
I think it's his lawyer.
@@katebattista7400 - That, or the coach with the controversial rookie.
It's that tall child.
It’s our favorite Asian-American woman.
It’s the lawyer, and conceptual piss artist, Shy
That joke with Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn. Amazing.
This set is SO tight. Every expression and gesture is deliberate, no words are wasted. Brilliant.
2:44 that subtle nod after he says, “Don’t google is!” kinda throws me off guard, because it’s meant to be comedically ominous but the delivery makes it better.
He's slowly becoming my favorite host he's killed it both times he's done it.
Damn, I’d love to see his standup. Such good delivery!
His Netflix specials are soooo good!!!
It's even better in person, he's amazing
@@haidenphillips410 yeah and he's even better in bed!
@@DMO-DMO-DMO hahaha is this the wife?
Jaime Berg the comeback kid on Netflix is a must see
I love it when the band cracks up. Great monologue Mister Mulaney
John: I USED to do cocaine...
John: I'm happily married...
Me: Oh ouch now I'm sad. :(
damn did not know he got a divorce and relapsed...that sucks...
This is very unfortunate.
Don't be he is doing fine now and he is going to be a dad!
Yes, placing his sobriety on an unplanned kid is such a good idea!
@@sarcasticallyrearranged yes we all get it it’s very fun to judge strangers
He lived a full life and he’s in hospice, he’s in cat hospice and he’s holding the Rabbi’s hand 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Look at that man with those feminine hips.
Nooo, that’s what he’s sensitive about!
Proud Asian American woman he is!
@@chrissiek8706 a real tiger mom
got that high waist
Female voice: The next stop is: Christopher St.
Male voice: STAND CLEAR OF THE CLOSING DOORS PLEASE!!!
LOL!!!!🤣🤣
I love how he included the dog i "the 4 of them stared" in his story xD