Wow. Thank you for this. I have experienced this from both ends. As the adult child and also as the parent of an adult child. Thank you for not placing the entire “blame” on one party. I beat myself up for YEARS. Distance (my child’s choice, which I had to respect) allowed me to see things more clearly. Yes, I bore some responsibility, absolutely. But many of the things I was being blamed for were things they were doing to me. I couldn’t see that when we were enmeshed. I talk to my HP daily and ask for their happiness.
The great thing about boundaries is they are kind to yourself as well as the other person. It's better to tell people what you need than to go off in anger later.
❤ very much appreciated Chess..I appreciate being here. This helps to see I’m in the right space in my heart. I’ve been learning and practicing what boundaries are and aren’t. I didn’t realize how enmeshed and unhealthy my family dynamics were. It took several tower moments to get it. My health suffered. When u know better you do better. My little child thought that was what family was..up each others business. Its not. It wasn’t kind, loving or respectful. I’ve pulled back and told everyone what I need. Some can and some can’t and that’s ok. I’m not jumping to make them feel better anymore. We are each separate sovereign beings. I’m guarding my peace..that’s my freedom. I was the scapegoat/truth teller..no one wants to hear the truth so I stay away and live my best life. It’s their business. My path narrowed and it’s made all the difference. I can feel my little child breathe a sigh of relief. Thank you to all of you in this journey. Your success is my success and the collective conscienceness is being raised to a much better heart based level! 😅😅
This is very spot on. I’m starting therapy next month and hope it is possible to understand what healthy boundaries look like even after forty years of not being allowed to have any. A big hug from Sweden!
Hugs back to you! And you CAN do boundaries. It's a skill, but you know they are there by default of knowing you don't have them (if that makes sense). The work is learning to recognise them more quickly and to enforce them. You can do this!!!
Very good advice. Great to hear your take on this. I think its also a matter of all human relationships - how does your personality mesh with other personalities, how do you negotiate relationships with people you may have little in common with? I think you can get on with anyone if you create an appropriate distance. With my ex husband 3,000 miles was a very good distance for me to feel safe. For my best friend it is seeing her couple of times a week. For others twice a year, once a month roughly etc. , with my children, I leave it more to them.
Being around my adult son & his wife I felt like I was walking on eggshells. The wife was a bully to me & my son would tell me I am " too sensitive". I was always left out of things but the first they would go to for favors or baby sitting. My adult son once told me that he didn't care if he hurt my feelings. That devastated me. But I let it go. One year on my birthday I asked him why he didn't get me a gift ? He replied, birthdays are for kids. Yet 2 months later he asked me to babysit so he could take the wife out for her birthday. I reminded him what he had told me & he went off on me. There are many more actions like that over a 10yr period but I had to estrange myself from my only child. For my own mental emotional well being. I have peace now but the loss of the love of my life is a hurt I can not describe. 💔
Hi Chess, I was a scapegoat, and I know all about the stress to my neural system as a child, I still have to be mindful of my emotions and process with care. Please know that if you are the scapegoat in a toxic family, don't let them get away with bad behaviour to anyone outside the family. For example, my later mother was an absolute cow to my sister in law and my father and brother were either rude or patronising towards my female friends while my mother fawned over male friends as if they were prospective son in law material. Let them make idiots of themselves.
Respectfully I do not agree about ‘they forgot to be kind to their child’. What if- they never were kind. What if trauma and survival mode were the elements inflicted. As a child I didn’t know what self awareness was and certainly didn’t know about boundaries except I did create isolation as my working boundary. Your parents were far from kind to you. Nothing was going to change that. Sadly.
why do you expect your parents to be different the they are. They're grown up kids just like you. Accept them as they are with their lack of judgement and misunderstandings.
You poor dear... All these years and you still think that you can "nice" your way into the family that has always kept you on the fringe in emotional service to them. And now you are a professional, in servitude, teaching others how to stay in bondage so you are not there alone... How do you help others break free when you are still chained?
Weird, I can only find this video on the scapegoat club channel homepage and doesn't show up in the TY search no matter what filter. The 'they owe me" thought doesn't work with future fakes.
![Blox Fruits Dragon Rework Update [Full Stream]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/EqDAp8udhm0/mqdefault.jpg)
Wow. Thank you for this. I have experienced this from both ends. As the adult child and also as the parent of an adult child. Thank you for not placing the entire “blame” on one party. I beat myself up for YEARS. Distance (my child’s choice, which I had to respect) allowed me to see things more clearly. Yes, I bore some responsibility, absolutely. But many of the things I was being blamed for were things they were doing to me. I couldn’t see that when we were enmeshed. I talk to my HP daily and ask for their happiness.
The great thing about boundaries is they are kind to yourself as well as the other person. It's better to tell people what you need than to go off in anger later.
❤ very much appreciated Chess..I appreciate being here. This helps to see I’m in the right space in my heart. I’ve been learning and practicing what boundaries are and aren’t. I didn’t realize how enmeshed and unhealthy my family dynamics were. It took several tower moments to get it. My health suffered. When u know better you do better. My little child thought that was what family was..up each others business. Its not. It wasn’t kind, loving or respectful. I’ve pulled back and told everyone what I need. Some can and some can’t and that’s ok. I’m not jumping to make them feel better anymore. We are each separate sovereign beings. I’m guarding my peace..that’s my freedom.
I was the scapegoat/truth teller..no one wants to hear the truth so I stay away and live my best life. It’s their business. My path narrowed and it’s made all the difference. I can feel my little child breathe a sigh of relief.
Thank you to all of you in this journey. Your success is my success and the collective conscienceness is being raised to a much better heart based level!
😅😅
I don’t know how I found you, but your videos are like a reassuring hug! ❤ from 🇨🇦
So glad to hear it, and thank you for watching!
Best thing to do is never expect anything from anyone!
Your comment about how you feel and deal with a neighbor is a great parallel. This helped me.
I'm so glad it helped. Thanks for your comment, I appreciate knowing what is relatable. Wishing you well with whatever brings you here!
1:41 1. Kindness 2. Good Boundaries
This is very spot on. I’m starting therapy next month and hope it is possible to understand what healthy boundaries look like even after forty years of not being allowed to have any. A big hug from Sweden!
Hugs back to you! And you CAN do boundaries. It's a skill, but you know they are there by default of knowing you don't have them (if that makes sense). The work is learning to recognise them more quickly and to enforce them. You can do this!!!
Well said!
Very good advice. Great to hear your take on this. I think its also a matter of all human relationships - how does your personality mesh with other personalities, how do you negotiate relationships with people you may have little in common with? I think you can get on with anyone if you create an appropriate distance. With my ex husband 3,000 miles was a very good distance for me to feel safe. For my best friend it is seeing her couple of times a week. For others twice a year, once a month roughly etc. , with my children, I leave it more to them.
Being around my adult son & his wife I felt like I was walking on eggshells. The wife was a bully to me & my son would tell me I am " too sensitive". I was always left out of things but the first they would go to for favors or baby sitting. My adult son once told me that he didn't care if he hurt my feelings. That devastated me. But I let it go. One year on my birthday I asked him why he didn't get me a gift ? He replied, birthdays are for kids. Yet 2 months later he asked me to babysit so he could take the wife out for her birthday. I reminded him what he had told me & he went off on me. There are many more actions like that over a 10yr period but I had to estrange myself from my only child. For my own mental emotional well being. I have peace now but the loss of the love of my life is a hurt I can not describe. 💔
Hi Chess, I was a scapegoat, and I know all about the stress to my neural system as a child, I still have to be mindful of my emotions and process with care. Please know that if you are the scapegoat in a toxic family, don't let them get away with bad behaviour to anyone outside the family. For example, my later mother was an absolute cow to my sister in law and my father and brother were either rude or patronising towards my female friends while my mother fawned over male friends as if they were prospective son in law material. Let them make idiots of themselves.
Prayer 😊
Respectfully I do not agree about ‘they forgot to be kind to their child’. What if- they never were kind. What if trauma and survival mode were the elements inflicted.
As a child I didn’t know what self awareness was and certainly didn’t know about boundaries except I did create isolation as my working boundary.
Your parents were far from kind to you. Nothing was going to change that. Sadly.
why do you expect your parents to be different the they are. They're grown up kids just like you. Accept them as they are with their lack of judgement and misunderstandings.
You poor dear... All these years and you still think that you can "nice" your way into the family that has always kept you on the fringe in emotional service to them.
And now you are a professional, in servitude, teaching others how to stay in bondage so you are not there alone...
How do you help others break free when you are still chained?
How am I teaching others to stay in servitude? If you could give a clear quote from the video, that would be great.
@@thescapegoatclub "2 simple ways to avoid parental estrangement"
Translation; "2 Simple ways" to remain is an abusive relationship.
Weird, I can only find this video on the scapegoat club channel homepage and doesn't show up in the TY search no matter what filter.
The 'they owe me" thought doesn't work with future fakes.