I went no contact 10 years ago and wish I had done it 40 years earlier. We hang on because we desire a normal loving connection that a normal family would have. Finally figured it out that it was them being ugly and not because I deserved it.
I went no contact from my best friend. Thirty years I put up with her condescending never stop drama life. She drained our family financially, emotionally, had me convinced I was an idiot that people universally thought me a foo, and I was lucky she stood by me. After I finally stood up for myself and sent her packing, I felt like I’d been hit by a car. I don’t make friends now because I’m scared to let someone like that in my life again. She was a life mimic. Anything I did she emulated. Decorating, buying a couch, piercings. Three weeks after she had an abortion she discovered I had been having fertility treatment, she was pregnant within 6 weeks. A horror of a human being.
I just found your channel and I can relate. I went through physical and mental abuse from my family. I'm way beyond that at this time since both of my parents and my older brother have died. I still suffer from PTSD but have counselor to help me get through some lingering issues. I can feel your pain as you speak and I just want to let you know it's ok. It's been about 6 years since my mother died. My father passed on many years earlier. I continued to try to get along with my mother until the end. I didn't expect any love from my mother, which made it easier. I've been on my own for over 20 years which has given me plenty of time to get to know myself. I'm not perfect but I know that I wasn't the cause of the problems with my family. I'm OK.
As the scapegoat who was forced to estrange I will keep an eye on this comments section to see how many parents this video lands for. Needless to say, I will not be holding my breath. Very well put, Chess. Thank you.
The evil abuse from my mother, supported and blind-eyed from my father built up to an explosion, and that is when I walked away from the FOO, never to return. The entire family imploded after this. My parents and siblings divorced and all went NC with each other, and my ex-husband died in the throws of his desperate entanglement with my mother. Still, my enabling father holds firm that it was all my fault. And has no idea why the other two sisters estranged. And the flying monkeys run to his assistance... He portrays the victim role and has always. He will die the victim, iso just owning up and saying "I didn't protect my children".
@@sixtysense It's interesting (and sad) how an abusive, dysfunctional family is held together by the scapegoat, and also destroyed by the scapegoat's absence. I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered. I hope you're in therapy, and that you find good people to surround yourself with. ❤
@@BunsenHoneydew001 So TRUE!! Wonder, but not terribly, why that is? Ex-scapegoat here; and when I left the firm 🤭 all scattered like the winds - 💨 poof 💨 be gone!
@@JOHNTHEWHISK I have been very clear to my so called mother why I don't want her in my life. Yet, according to her, she has NO IDEA why. Yes, all parents are fake victims in my eyes.
Dear Chess, great video. Thank you. I am an estranged mother from my son on 24. He cut contact when he was 17 years old. In the meantime I have seen him 3 times, I think. The last 7 yrs I have worked on my own recovery after a very difficult marriage, that ended 15 yrs ago. Unfortunately I was stuck for eight yrs. Luckily I found tools for recovery. And life is truly amazing today. I miss my son extremely and hope that he feels my positive energy somehow. He is such a lovely young man, good temper, empathic, pleasent to be around, clever. A truly good person Unfortunately born into an until now unhealed trauma-family. I hope to reunite soon❤️
Have you apologized and told him you realize that you had blind spots, you failed in some ways, and you want to be both accountable and helpful in rewriting a new, healthy relationship that involves respecting him and not manipulating him?
@@onshiplessoceans1675Thank you for your comment😊 Very appreciated! Yes, some yrs ago I sent him a letter with an apology. Good idea about the blind spots. I will work on this idea. Thank you🙏🏻 Happy new year⭐️
I hear a lot "but we're family and you only have one" or "don't you even like us?" Well, no. I set boundaries and I've decided those won't budge - for my mental health.
Would you say that if the person/people you cut off were to start respecting those boundaries you would be open to reconcile, or have they just inflicted too much trauma on you to make that even a possibility.
If someone feels the need to go no contact, I think that a lack of empathy from the person you need to get distance from is almost certainly a big part of the problem. Because of that, they're not going to look at themselves, they're going to blame the other person. If the ability to see things from the other persons perspective was present, there probably wouldn't be a reason to go no contact because the problem could have been resolved. Going no contact with family is very difficult, I don't think anybody would do it without a good reason. It's very easy to say that someone is just being difficult, but my experience is that if you look closer, there are always reasons for why people do what they do.
I went NC 18mos ago not really even knowing what it was or that it was a thing. I told my parents that I couldn’t continue with the relationship as it was. That I would meet them in any therapists office of their choosing. I’d even pay for it. My mum said to me “well, I had no idea there were so many problems. Thanks for getting in touch.” That’s my last contact. Going NC is not something anyone would do just to make a point. It’s simply too painful. My heart aches every day for what could be. But my mind never lets me go very far with hope. As a result of going NC I have been very isolated. It feels very alien to the world that you don’t speak to your family so don’t expect empathy/sympathy from many. I have a best friend and a boyfriend who have gotten me thru these 18 mos. Plus a little therapy. I’m on the wait list with Chess now. I’ve “shopped” so many therapists and so many don’t really get how hard this is and they just want to ask the templated question “how does that make you feel?” I always want to turn the question back round to them! How would it make anyone feel, no matter their age, to walk away from their family!? Rhetorical question. It feels completely alien and awful, but on the flip side my mental health and general wellbeing has improved. That’s worth its weight in gold. All the very best to everyone out there who just made it through Christmas. ❤
Much love from a Greek scapegoat ❤ Happy Holidays 🎉❤and a Happy New Year 🎉( edit: no contact means for me being happier, free, and more healthy physically and especially mentally , since i have cptsd ,depression, anxiety ,im doing so much better. And it wouldn't be possible of how broken i was if it wasn't for my 19year old son who's the one who actually encouraged me to do it .😅😊 btw single parent
8:18. Bingo! "It's okay to not be super close with our children, but pretending we are when we're not is a blindspot." That's my f.o.o. All superficial. No honest discussions. Just show up, strut and fret your hour on the stage and go home. So. Empty. And this is LIFE! It's FINITE! Flee the shallow, dive deep! Live a life worth living! ✨☮️
My son was working so hard to keep contact with us behind his narcissistic spouse but he always fell back into doing her dirty work of canceling,excusing, blaming or accusing. We would always listen not react and then wait for things to open up again. This time we stated our needs and defended the ourselves stood our ground told them they hurt us and we won’t tolerate that. They cut us off and we actually ate ok with it. We are much happier when we are not the targets and clearly our son won’t be changing with the status quo. I can worry about his issues he deals with but it would only put me back in the cycle. So we are continuing on with the happy life we have when we’re not dancing around egg shells.
I went no contact because she does not understand boundaries at all. No surprise she does not respect this and tries to get into contact again. I can not understand how these kind of people don’t see they just prove the point. 🤷🏻♀️ Well, I am so done. I will stay NC and heal. Happy new year everyone! 🎉
I went no contact with my whole family. I'm the scapegoat so, I'm outnumbered. After 55 years trying to fit in and not finding support but lies, drama, blaming for everything... It got to a point trying to talk to them was pointless. They have my email but they won't write to me. They just don't care and they never did. I'm curious about how are they getting along among them without me, their trash can.
@@madeintheshadenorthdallasf1891 Because people that care, care that you feel so hurt you need to walk away, and will do what they can to rectify a bad situation,at least in the beginning .
@ yes. I cared very deeply why my sister did this. I would have done anything for her. However, she was cold, refused to talk and now I’m done with her.
I spent 20 years in and out of infertility clinics. At the age of 50, I went to visit my Father. He told me I looked like I had gained 50 pounds! Then said, I wish you were just pregnant. That was the last time I saw him. I came from this toxic family, what a mess.
My life and the holiday season has been so much better after going no contact with my sister. I grew up in a narcissistic household and after my parents passed on my sister "took over". I am 5 years older than her. I am a giver and she is a taker. After spending $$$ on her and her kids at Xmas each year she would send a cheep "joke" gift. (She own's her own business and employee's several people.) This really bothered me as I love the holidays and the idea of family. The last 2 times that I called her she was quick to get off the phone and didn't call me back. So after the last Xmas "gift" arrived ( I won't tell you what it was) I cut off contact with her some 10 years ago and my holidays have been much happier not wondering what she was going to send me! I have not her from her which works for me! Thanks for your channel!
Your "sister" sounds like my twin. She got me these hideous plastic earrings one year. I tried to be gracious and thanked her saying "they're so bright and festive!" And she just stared at me and replied "Oh, I just went to the store and picked out the ugliest earrings I could find and knew you'd love them." Yeah. It was literally death by a thousand cuts until I walked away for my own survival. 👍
My parents NEVER wanted to hear that my sister at 24 years pulled a knife out of a kitchen draw and pressed hard against my neck. I was 21 years old. They ignored what I said then got very angry with me for bringing it up periodically for about 4 years. I was trying to get them to just acknowledge the severity of that situation. I am 59 years old now, and I feel insane for the fact of telling them over and over about ALL the abuse and expecting the result... (their reaction, to at the very least understand ) to be different.
@@vilainrouquinThank you. The weird thing is, reading what you wrote and that time a psychiatrist confirmed I have PTSD, is that I acknowledge what you wrote and at the same time I gather I am so numb from it all that I (forgive me, I can't seem to find the right words) feel helpless and stuck while at that same time well aware of the impact. Thank you for your reply.
@@KvittySilverMoon It Really does help to whisper the Serenity Prayer to myself - even 20 years after we’ve been estranged. Or to just repeat ‘I have No control over what other people do’. I suspect I’ll always need to do this so that I don’t get into relationships with a similar dynamic. 💔💕😫
I am the parent of a middle aged drug addict and after many years of abuse from her had to insist on no contact ever for our sanity and safety. She understands if she should ever try to cross that boundary we would immediately call law enforcement for help and get a permanent injunction from the court for our protection. Having said all that, we believe that where there is life there is hope and we wish her and her children all the best..
My strongest conclusion to all this family dysfunction is that we all operate in a fantasy. We pretend, ignore, comply, hope, dream and fake our way through relationships. Fantasy is the sister of denial. Those who go no contact are wading through the mire of truth and reality! Ask the parents what they think is the real reason is and their answer tells you everything!
My family is dead. My inlaws are alive and well adpnd very abusive and / or bullies. My husband can also be a bullie, but with therapy, I don't tolerate it any more. I've gone no contact.
Thanks Chess, these perspectives are interesting. I have witnessed situations of elders demanding respect and compliance, and patience - even love, when they themselves are not able to offer any of those things 😢
They will try and draw you back in to responding. No contact means don’t ever respond. If you respond in six months or five years, they will bait you back in another six months or five years. Don’t open the mail, don’t respond to the person. You need to grieve each event and each time. I missed weddings, the birth of children and the funeral of aunts and uncles. It is beyond hard sometimes but I stayed away in order to heal. I can go to the cemetery after the funeral but I don’t need to attend. No contact is a series of grief and more healing Some people are too toxic to be around, I would never pick them as friends, so why buy Christmas gifts. This is a very difficult decision but it should be a firm boundary decision. I said it once and I meant it.
It's rare that a truly toxic person changes, IME. Even if they promise to change, they'll eventually start doing the same things again. Having said that, I've had good luck setting boundaries with some of the more difficult family members, but I have to regularly reinforce those boundaries or they will be violated. In my case, it's usually related to the hardcore religion I was raised in.
After having gone no contact with my siblings I've noticed that I have no desire to explain to them my why. They were there, they have the same facts, let them figure it out. Explaining to someone why they were left like this, just tell them to look in a mirror. It's them, not the leavers
We are no contact and I think it’s actually a relief for us and I think for our Daughter. For almost 20 years we have had to walk on eggshells in order to maintain a relationship with our Daughter. It’s so freeing and peaceful to have no contact. We do have a relationship with our two Grandchildren who are 15 and 19 years old and they are the joy of our lives.
You're lucky you are allowed contact with the grandchldren.. We have been villianized and lied about by our daughter to them and our entire family to cover her sins. It's a horrible and sickening reality. ENJOY THOSE precious grandchildren!!
@@sarahvogel1359I can’t imagine not being able to see our Grandchildren. I took care of them for many years and they are the joy of my life. I am so sorry that you are not able to see your Children. Hopefully that will change when your Grandchildren are older and reach out to you.”
Thanks Chess for discussing the blind spots people have and how to communicate in a good relationship by monitoring what the other person is feeling. So important. Appreciate your insights and discussions.
Hi, Chess. Today's my mom's birthday and I'm looking for solace and understanding in videos, again. Thank you for speaking about this. Although I'm on the other side, the child who is estranged and who went "no contact", I can appreciate what you're saying to the parents. My older brother went no contact, before I did, and my mom hounded him and had others try to contact him, as well. She also kept saying "I couldn't have done anything THAT wrong". That's pretty much the same that she said to me, when I told her that our relationship was in jeopardy and that we had some repair work to do. She also said that she didn't want to change. The combination of those two things, plus the lifetime of hurt and emotional abuse that kept coming up for me, told me that I would probably never feel safe with her and I had to disconnect, as painful as that was. It's been 3.5 years and I miss her, so much. I wish I could just call her and wish her happy birthday. I'm also dealing with a health crisis and could use some comfort and sometimes I just want my mommy. I had felt, for years before I disconnected, that calling my mom, when I was in distress, would likely make me feel worse about myself, rather than better. Anyway, I am really hurting, today, and I want parents out there to know that no contact can be just as painful for the child, as it is for the parent. I agree with you, Chess, that there's often a buildup of hurt and it's usually far from a casual decision. But, it's also sometimes very necessary for the child to protect themselves from the parent, mentally and emotionally. And if the parents are not hip to what emotional abuse and narcissism look like, then maybe it would be a good idea to study up on those things. I mean every parent makes mistakes and I know it's a really tough job. I wouldn't want to be a parent and I'm glad that I'm not. But, as with any relationship, if the person is not willing to even entertain the idea that they have caused some major wounds, when confronted, and they're not willing to change, there's really no workability there. It's all on the child to "suck it up" and a person can only do that for so long, before it really takes a toll on their health and well-being. Sorry this is long-winded. I'm just trying to get through, today, because my heart is hurting really badly. Thanks for this video, Chess. Love and blessings! - Claire
I love your videos Jess. I think many of us have felt that the relationship with our parent has been one sided. Feeling talked at. Or if there are financial issues they are experiencing that there is an expectation to drop everything and rescue. Thank you for seeing this and talking about it.
It is not a reaction. It is an ongoing observation overtime and a painful decision. I went no contact for a year. Blamed. Came back and my mother excluded me from her birthday celebration after we talked about getting together. 😢She said you can’t be invited to everything. It’s my birthday 😪 excluding your child? Hurts. But healing. Radical acceptance. I’ve seen her do it to others, even to her other children and friends who are not strong enough to evolve.
My uncle spent decades not contacting his elderly mother who lived 100 miles away. It was his wife that didn't want contact and he submitted to her wishes. He had no problem with his mother. Finally at her 85 th birthday his sister invited him to the family gathering and he came (with his wife) as though nothing had ever happened. His mother was happy to see him, of course, but did not make a fuss of his long absence.
I was not, and never was my mother’s favorite child. I realized this as far back as a little girl. My grandmother ( My mom’s mom) told me after Mom died, that Mom beat me with an iron cord, as a baby. Early toddler. I don’t remember it, so I had to have been one or two years old. Grandma was so disturbed by what she saw, she had it out with Mom. I was a rainbow baby. I was born about a year after the one and only boy, my brother died at two months old. I often wondered if my parents were wanting another boy so badly after his death, that my birth, was very unwanted. If it hadn’t been for my wonderfully loving Dad, I don’t know what would have happened to me. My mother and my relationship was tense my whole life long. I loved her so much. It wasn’t reciprocated. I had 3 other sisters. I always yearned for the love she showed them. I did estrange myself from my parents for a period of time. I got angry with Mom over a slight to me. I finally told her I was fully aware of her feelings about me. We were shouting over the phone. She hung up on me. I swore I’d never speak to her again. But, I couldn’t very well do that without estranging my Dad. So… I’m an old woman now. I will never really know why Mom felt about me the way she did. But, for all of the water under the bridge, I still love her dearly. My love for her won out over her disdain for me. And, I feel good about that.
It is possible that people don't see what their family is until their 40s, 50s or 60s, if ever. I wasn't in your family so I don't know, but I do know dysfunctional families and my experience is that people don't get involved with abusers - that is they don't accept disrespect - unless they grew up in a family system of abuse and disrespect.
@@user-ry1vi1jc7oyou are so wrong. I see people on Facebook you going no contact with Theo mother in laws all of the time over petty things. This is a popular thing for women in their 40s to do now. It’s cruel and it ruins families.
Thank you for this, Chess! I’m happy it’s getting views, and hope that people give you the respect? Grace? of watching the entire video before commenting. But/and we’re all pretty ‘raw’ and are going through crap times - otherwise we wouldn’t be watching this video at 2am PST in my case. I’m Also a Brit who landed in California and I am now completely family-less. My 2 chosen family members died recently, and I feel like I’m an orange balloon, completely untethered from community, the earth, Everything. I’m just floating along wherever the wind, rain, storms take me. Some people might find freedom in having absolutely no connections, but I feel like I’m Chicken Little, waiting for the sky to fall in. 😖
It sounds like you've been through a lot. I truly believe that with a bit of time things do start to heal. Hang in there, you aren't alone, and.... the sky won't fall. Sending support.
@ PS: What’s interesting is that both of my parents are dead, and cut me off from the rest of my family - so I’ve been dealing with this for 30 years, but/and even though they’re dead I feel like I’m dragging their ghosts around with me so for me at least, consciously estranging from them is Still helpful even if my abusers are dead. In my case at least. And, xo to you! Yay Us! 🌈
Not all parents do know why an adult child stops talking to them. It's not always so simple. I appreciate your videos and do understand your situation as I watched that video.
When people have difficulty in their relationships, for me, it always boils down to whether or not they really care about their family or friend. If you care, you work to understand the views of others and seek a middle ground (compromise) in which to construct the relationship. It has to be mutual. There must be the ability to recognize we are not all the same. We have to respect boundaries, but boundaries must first be established and understood before being imposed. I could go on and on about what a healthy relationship looks like, but the bottom line is: both parties have to care about the other enough to sustain the good and work through the rough spots. The source of these problems has to be in the existence of a toxic family dynamic that existed before the children became adults. We didn't just grow up and suddenly realize there were problems. Understanding the childhood environment isn't easy, but it is the crucible for the issues we face within our family as adults.
I didn't go entirely "no contact" but I set very firm boundaries with my parents (with the help of my therapist.) And I didn't make an announcement, hey I'm setting these boundaries!! I just set them. It was very hard at first but got easier when I saw how much better my life was.
My adult children estranged me, my son literally told me I wasn't good enough as a parent, 2 Christmases ago, I was broken. Short history, ex wife demonised me during our divorce, I didn't see my 3 children for 10 yrs, then met up and spent 10 yrs trying to make it work, it hasn't
I am seriously considering estrangement from my mother. Hearing this perspective was very helpful. It is not a decision that is made without any regard for the feelings of others, even the toxic or narcissistic parent.
Only a certified therapist can diagnose narcissism. A true narcissist is very rare. Everyone can have narcissistic tendencies. These influencers are trying to make money encouraging people to destroy their families. These videos get a lot of views. I don’t know your situation but don’t do it. When a relationship goes south. both people are usually at fault. Please don’t do this to your mother. Work it out with her and be willing to look inward to yourself as well.
My husband is the estranged parent in our situation. I try very hard to understand my stepdaughters point of view because we don't know her reasoning. But it's still very difficult. It's a grieving process for us. Thank you for this video.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Estrangement is so challenging. I wish you well and hope you can find some peace and clarity moving forwards. Take care.
One thing I said to myself was, if a friend had manipulated, belittled and humiliated you, would you think of them as your friend and would you still want a relationship with them.
I went no contact with 2 brothers and 2 sisters .. 1 brother I was living with was so toxic I had to flee living there in fear for my life. My 2 sisters basically aborted our relationship because I don’t think at all like they do politically .. (we all know about those things) and all reason or logic I mentioned was pummeled and then concerted efforts were to get others (their kids and other siblings) to feel negatively toward me too .. there were other times they were extraordinarily dismissive of terrible things that happened to me in my youth and our parents didn’t give a damn about putting blame on me .. very traumatizing to be treated by these siblings like that (preprogrammed to belittle the scapegoat youngest which was common when I was quite young).. I doubt they even realize how much of a narcissist our mother was ( she was too ‘special’ to associate with anyone who wasn’t rich) .. it is evident in how they wrote up her obituary but they don’t even see it in their own words .., they pretend, perhaps to the very end, that we had a great family of origin .. the emotional neglect and cruelty was atrocious and all were put on the treadmill of competition to get approval from mommy dearest … it causes me far less pain to go no contact than to spend the rest of my days trying to get them to listen and have any empathy or understanding of my perspective or the true reality that we were all in.. it doesn’t fit the narrative of what they like to pretend the reality was … it hasn’t served them well and it definitely never served my emotional health well EVER .. no contact serves my emotional health better .. they’ve lately hoovered for the ‘holidays’ and I have ignored .. fortunately I have 2 other siblings who actually see it .. they will play along with the others but they are aware and it is easy to be around and converse with the 2 siblings
I will. Thanks for letting me know that would be useful, and, from my perspective, being open to wanting to work on your relationship. It takes courage and time, and, personally, I think that because you are willing and wanting to invest in understanding and making amends, it bodes well for your relationship. The video may take a few weeks, but it'll come. Wishing you well.
Dear Chess, This video post has clearly hit a nerve. Let me be one who thanks you for this forum, where people who have chosen to go no contact can share their personal stories and do their best to heal and move forward in their lives. You have responded to the angriest comments directly and calmly.
Thank you, Chess, for more clear thoughts on this difficult subject. I am interested in hearing about next steps for repairing. For context, I was not in an abusive relationship that i didn't escape until my children were adults so they have all that hurt. I am willing to own my part of their hurt, how to help them see that's not a weakness?
When an adult child or children go no contact, and have tried repeatedly to express one’s discontent, parent(s) don’t get it is because 2 nickels make a dime; in other words: they ain’t trying to get it. It’ll always be 🫵 your fault.
It’s still hilarious that so many estranged parents play the victim card, when they admit they were “just doing the best they could” and “weren’t perfect”, then refuse to acknowledge the long term impacts it had on their children….for one tragic reason…..the trauma and pain they caused to the adult child wasn’t as bad as what they endured from the adult child’s grandparent. Direct quote from the rebuttal after I set hard boundaries: “My Daddy broke my nose when I was 16 and I still loved him…” I almost responded with: “Would you still love him had he raped you instead? Abuse is abuse.”
I made the mistake of breaking no contact, after my Sisters Husband died. I was genuinely concerned for her and called her. In the conversation, she insulted my home, my life and my mental health.😵💫 Honestly, who does that???
I've never seen any videos on when a DIL sabotages the relationship between Mother and Son. It happens more than people think. It's perfectly ok for her Mother to be in her life and involved with the grandchildren; but not for the Husband's mother. When I asked to be invited to their house to visit (they moved 2 hours away) he said "too busy"; she said "not home" in unison like it had been rehearsed. I haven't asked again. I have no idea what I did wrong or said. It's been 2 years. I would like to see this issue addressed and any kind of solutions because I'm at a loss. All I get from my son now is Text messages for my Birthday, Christmas etc and I only see my Grandkids on Facebook so I have unfollowed them as it's just painful. I'm estranged from my family of origin because I was the Scapegoat. I did everything I could while raising my sons not to be my Mother. Was it perfect...No...but it was way better than how I was raised. My kids knew they were loved.
Have you written your son a letter (the old fashioned way) asking why they do not reach out? Tell the, you believe you have a blind spot and ask him what behavior he needs from you. Own up to past mistakes and show vulnerability and humbleness. Or have you just deflected and denied any behavior that may have led up to estrangement? For me, it was a lifetime of put down humor, name calling, shame and gaslighting. I was not the Golden child, or the male born son. I was the “accidental pregnancy” that they used to laugh and tease me about, Third born, and youngest. When I went no contact, that was it. NM completely cut me off as I was no longer willing to kiss the ring. Now she has my abusive and temperamental siblings who treat her terribly and she complains to my adult children, who she hangs on to communicating with, that I was her favorite, yet she has not once reached out in any fashion over the last 3 years to ask or reflect. She is self absorbed and believes she is the victim. Yes, I am happier with them not in my life, but there is always a lingering sadness.
@@StevenSutlief your situation, and the comment you are replying to are entirely different situations. It is not fair to accuse this woman of doing something wrong when you don’t even know her family or her situation. Just because your family was one way, does not mean that she deserves to be cut off from her family. That is cruel to respond like that. Not every child who cuts off their family is always 100% right. There could be 1 million different scenarios. Give parents a break.
I believe there is only ONE reason to go No Contact. But first, the reasons that aren't sufficient: Revenge, or punishing them for childhood, adolescent memories, favouritism of other siblings, etc. Money and property disputes. You don't get to take anything with you. Different politics. Disapproval of one's lifestyle...though this is close, such as excessive drug use. Reputation reasons, rich not wanting to associate with poor, educated not wanting to associate with uneducated. Bitterness. Jealousy. List goes on... The ONE reason to go No Contact is for your own or another's SAFETY, whether physical or mental. You know the next interaction will be the same or worse than the previous, or the previous, ad infinitum. It will only be painful for both parties. We keep gasoline and flame away from each other for a reason. Results predictable.
I'm not the parent but the estranged child. I cut off the abusive parent and they kept trying to force contact. Eventually the enabling parent cut me off which was very painful. Your video is right on. I don't think my parents understood no contact at all. Not only did the not adhere to it (I still get messages from time to time from the abusive parent), but they also thought of it as a childish way of punishing them. Steps would be interesting. I debate whether to try to work towards some kind of relationship with them. I don't believe it's even possible for the abuser to change at this point but the enabler could. Unfortunately they think therapy is all to blame for the estrangement and that I'm brainwashed by therapists (I've had three different in a decade and worked with several others for my kids and family). So they declined my indication to attend family therapy or mediation. It's just exhausting to consider most of the time and I live a happy and fulfilling life without them most of the time. It's just a weird place to be because family is so central to our culture.
I have given my time and money. The adult child has 3 children and would move in to get his finances in order and free babysitting and free housing…then after 9 months or more go back to the X without a word. It is time for the 33 yo to deal with the life they created…my other adult child is also tied of trying with the sibling…
two of my kids dont have anytthing to do with me and my husband. at first we tried talking to them about it (for years actually) now, we just have to move on with our lives. It's not always the parents fault when children and parents can't get along.
I am so sorry you were going through that. There is no pain worse than that. And you were right. And I am tired of these people making these videos telling people that it’s OK to cut off their family. No, it may be necessary under certain circumstances, however, what needs to happen is better communication not cutting off communication. And the influencers on RUclips don’t seem to address that at all.
unfortunately that is the biggest problem, lack of communication because the adult children have not been allowed to communicate their needs the whole of their lives. There is no 2 way conversations, the child is taught to ignore their own needs and usually an enabling parent will encourage them to do so, over and over again until the child has no voice that is listened to within the home. A “family” should be a group of people respecting one another other’s needs and wants. The children should be encouraged to grow into their own personality, to achieve independence and make their way in the world and be allowed to make their own mistakes without judgment and ridicule . To be seen and heard, loved and nurtured UNCONDITIONALLY, not because the child did as he/she were told . That is not love it is manipulation. Of course children should be guided, taught manners and respect then allowed to grow into an individual . Adult children rarely go no contact if in happy relationships with their parents. They go no contact because it’s too painful to be in contact .
wow! You have actually talked to every single adult child that cut off their family? That must’ve been a lot of work. You see, every family is different, and every person is different. The reasons adult children cut off from their family could be a multitude of reasons. There could be jealousy involved, spouses, inflated egos, financial situations, etc. Parents are not perfect but adult children are not perfect either. And this is a false narrative that because children cut off their parents it’s all the parents fault. That is a false narrative, that negates the responsibility of adult children to make sure they are doing the right thing and it is a false narrative that is destroying parents.
@@madeintheshadenorthdallasf1891 Which part do you disagree with? Yes there are many different reasons eg: mental illness , cult involvement and manipulation by outside forces which are outside the families control , I’m not referring to those . Each family may be different but as with any relationship lack of communicating effectively is key. Children learn from their parents first and foremost , especially how to communicate. If they cannot communicate with a parent then the parent ( in normal circumstances) must take some responsibility for that . Nobody said anybody was perfect . If the “reasons” you have mentioned are addressed correctly and effectively, honestly and kindly when they occur most situations can be repaired between rational humans who care for one another.
@@thescapegoatclub Wishing you well, too, Chess. I'm grateful for your channel, your work here, and your willingness to share both your wisdom and your pain as you grow.
I think the video was useful but maybe missed the core issue which is that most of us scapegoats have explained until we are blue in the face what the issues are, and tried for years to achieve some kind of understanding of our position only to end up exactly back where we started with the narcissistic parent. Then they lie through their teeth and tell everyone they have no idea why we estranged when they know full well. This ends up making us look mad and bad and let's them off the hook completely. My mother abused and neglected me emotionally, spiritually and physically and failed to protect me from sexual abuse which I found out she knew about all along. She has refused to listen to me, gaslit me and completely refused to try in any way to understand me, the effect of my childhood on me or what I need from her in terms of apology. I went no contact five years ago because I couldn't take it anymore. Now she tells everyone she has no idea why I am acting like this and makes herself out to be the victim. Most parents often know exactly why their child estranged. They just can't admit it to themselves and it is easier to go on blaming the child. It is the final abuse of the abusive parent to trick the world into believing the child they let down so badly is mad and bad.
I think there are levels of no contact, like for a period of time, for ever, for christmas, until a parent has committed to personal therapy for at least a year. I think your right chess, it is thar things have come to an unbearable standstill. If the person has done everything they feel they can, to learn new skills and bring them to the family, to do their own therapy and hope to respond differently, to give themselves support and healthy boundaries and its still not working its very reasonable to call time for a break. I would really consider what I have done to improve things. I would read some adult parent to adult child relationship information, to make sure that we have moved out of parent=authority/child=subordinate roles. Adult children need space to be seen for who they are. Surely its a relief for parents to move beyond the role of one directional support into more of a reciprocal adult interctive relationship, but that does mean letting go of a bit of control. Letting go of control might be hard for different reasons. It could be good to look at your own empowerment, and what expectation you have of loyalty vs harmony, of owing dues vs care and connection, of obedience vs stability and predictably reliable love. There are so many areas parents can continue to grow. One place to start would be exploring being willing to say sorry. If you dont want to, why dont you? Its really good to be able to say sorry, its healthy, its freeing, it feels good to be forgiven for shortcomings and let go of perfectionism, and just be loved. There is so much that can be improved in most families. Taking space can hopefully be for a period of time while things improve, so people can relax from the stress of conflict. Thats healthy. Work on skills. Work on love. Work on appology. Work on accepting difference. Work on forgiving yourself. Work on honesty. Work on ideas of owing, duty, personal empowerment, life fulfillment. Work on projecting your own expectations, and attend to those yourself. Work on accepting what is. Work on this all based on the assumption that whoever your dealing with has reasonable reasons for making that choice, that makes it right for them. Acceptance really helps. Good luck! Change is possible, if your willing to change your behaviour
Thinking about my own family and how long it took me to go no-contact, I have come to the conclusion that most of us are extremely naïve about the level and prevalence of evil in this world. We think we can trust our government, our doctors, our neighbors, coworkers, and every member of our family. When you look at children's shows, for the most part the bottom line message is that even though there may be a villain, the world loves them, adores them, and is on their side. This simply is not reality. I think one of the better things we can do is to understand that trust is earned, believe the red flags when we see them, and separate from those who are waving them.
There are multi facets to relationships. Some of these commentators just don’t like their parents, along the lines of you thinking where your parents live isn’t a place you would choose to go to.
I am writing about my dear friends situation. She is the survivor of trauma(terrible childhood) and did make some parenting decisions that were informed by that. But she was always fiercely loving and protective. But her daughter is unforgiving of her damaged Mum, and can not stop punishing her. What to do?
Trying to face the enormity of estrangement. A christmas where I wrote to two distant cousins about me having moved addresses , and no cards as there is no longer a forwarding address. You can guess why that is ! I gave other options but this Christmas .. no one had a shred of kindness to show .. a great big revenge from the instigators. At least now I know ! I see this as collective bullying which is off the scale. ....................... Looking at this even more closely .. I observe that real victims do not go around drumming up support for themselves ! However the active bullying undertone continues with the bully claiming victimhood and at the same time drumming up support for an action of collective bullying by the " flying monkeys " as well ! Just saying . Quite a revelation for me !
I'm not too sure how healthy it is to be airing all this family drama, especially since it's involving lawyers. Also you can get another drivers license if you tell motor vehicle yours was lost or stolen....
I thought these videos were years old - hasn’t it been at least 3 years since you had contact and do you ever consider you are part of the problem ??? And. What has made you an experts> - sometimes as I have read, it is when the son marries a wife that doesn’t like his family - women tend to go to their families., sadly, the son doesn’t see many of the issues, this is just one example, which I see in a lot of these comments - i think the families that have open discussions all the while the children are growing up, tend to continue with open communication and it make s a very big difference in all relationships.
I'll just respond to that last sentence because you make a great point there- families with open communication are the most resilient and likely to weather storms. It's when this doesn't happen that problems occur. In my experience (with my family and as a therapist) communication problems aren't new, they just have been ignored or normalised. I think estrangement is often a result of adults trying to speak to problems that have been going on for years, but others won't change. I see a lot of people believing they are having open discussions, but not really doing so- the blind spots I discuss in the videos.
@ I have to say my open communication remarks ,are what I felt with myself and our children that we weren’t good about - we got better as they got older - but both hubby and I discussed ,we wished we had more round table on their growing years. The problem being and as you can probably tell by my remarks, I’m older my husband and I were both brought up with with the parents. Don’t ask any questions type of attitude so you kind of transport that same thing to your to your children. Nobody said families were easy
@@virginiaanderson8875 but you are one of the very few who realises this and accepts that you have done the same. You care about your children enough to want to do better. Not all parents do.
Thiings to consider: Is your dad an alcoholic? Are you really his child? Has anyone ever left the country before you? They feel abandoned. Do they have a strange sence of humor? 😢
You are speaking as if all the adult children making this decision are scapegoats when this is often not the case. I am the scapegoat parent to an adult child narcissist, whose father and husband are also narcissists. I have been excluded from my daughters life without explanation, gaslighted and forbidden access to my grandson. I vehemently disagree with your assertion that we parents MUST KNOW what we have apparently done to cause no contact. I really think your expectation that we do know and have a blind spot to our 'fault' is a narcissist trait in you. If the adult child is so clear about the parents terrible behaviour and is the victim, surely it makes sense for them to set out on paper/by email to the parent exactly what their decision to end the relationship is based upon? Why does the adult child expect the excluded parent to have to guess what their sin is? If the adult child is the innocent victim they would want to set out what they believe the parent has done so wrong. At least then the parent can adopt radical acceptance. In my view any adult child who leaves the gaslighted parent guessing, is punishing the parent. They know they need to explain why, but they dont want to, as a form of control and shame of their own behaviour which is mostly the actual reason to go no contact with a kind and loving parent whose only sin has been to love their children. I would also add, if the adult child believes no contact is the only option they should also stop talking about the gaslit parents to their flying monkey friends and here on youtube and instead use what they have learned about themselves to help other people, rather than constantly referencing their parents who have no right of reply, regardless of how terrible they are. Everyone is entitled to defend themselves.
@@vilainrouquin that is your answer to my question about your comment on notary? Anyway, in response to what you have said, you have clearly not read my post thoroughly. 'Staying away' is what I do. That does not mean that I must accept the situation when there is no finite explanation forthcoming from my narcissist adult child for the estrangement.
Looky here everyone it appears a Narc has been successfully flushed out. How common it is for them to reverse the role to play the victim whilst making the true victim a perpetrator. No you are not owed an explanation, but please continue bowing your violin.
You’re putting blame on the one who had to be estranged from the family. One of my sisters didn’t even care that I left our family. She was conveying to others that she only had one sister and that did not include me. The bomb went off and she didn’t even know. She was telling people that something was wrong with me. So she didn’t suffer any damage at all.
No it's not. 1st option of violent knife fighting conflicts, evade them. Don't really get your comparison between knife fights and estrangement though. Starting one is a way to get estrangement going quick I guess and having a knife fight alone makes you look silly and everybody will run away thinking you're some kind of violent maniac lunatic. Complain about being estranged then. You need emotional content, not anger !
Well, continuing contact with a person who continually harms you is a problem for YOU even if the other party is dedicated to pretending to be THE victim.
No. No contact is literally walking away from the knife fight altogether. A relationship is not a knife fight and if it is, that is the definition of abusive. It is never the sole responsibility of any one person to keep everyone else's bombs from going off.
Every situation is different. And I am tired of “influencers“ trying to make a buck making these videos. Going no contact in many cases is never going to resolve the relationship. I cannot speak for every situation in every family and I am sure there are different situations that it applies to. However, for many many families, someone that goes no contact is trying to make a point and get attention and hurt people. And I am sick of people like you making these videos telling people that it is OK to go to no contact and to destroy their families. My sister went no contact with me, never gave me an explanation, also never even admits that she is no contact with me although she refuses to talk to me. After two years of me doing everything, I possibly knew to do to make it right to communicate with her and try to fix it, she refused to talk to me. I now have no use for her. I do not want to speak to her. Our family is destroyed and I blame people like you for doing it. I don’t know what happened in your family and I’m sorry for whatever happened, but leave the rest of us alone, and stop trying to make money off of it. If you really wanted to help people, you would provide tools to families to help fix their communication problems. Not create and add to their communication problems. I am so infuriated by all of you people that are always talking about everybody being a narcissist. There aren’t that many true narcissists in this world. It is very rare, and most everyone has some narcissistic tendencies, and quite frankly, the ones that are going no contact probably are the ones who actually have more of the narcissistic tendencies than the others.
I'm so sorry you've been so hurt by estrangement. I understand how much it hurts. And because of that I would never try to push anyone into it. But I do stand by the mission of making the videos, which is to support people who have gone through such difficulty. I am sorry you think that by wanting to support others I have somehow caused your family break up. Obviously this isn't true. I hope that you are able to move forwards with your pain. Also, a gentle reminder that if you don't like any particular subject online you can choose to move on with your day and not lash out. I don't think trying to be mean to other people makes us feel better in the long run. Wishing you well.
@ I’m not being mean and clearly you aren’t personally responsible per se for my family. But the narrative that seems to be all over social media is that if you have issues with your family, or suspect they are “narcissistic “ then you are justified to cut them off. Truth is, all families are different. There are some serious false narratives out there that a child wouldn’t cut off their family without good reason and truth is there could be many reasons, including issues with the adult child. It is true that you are doing this to make money and you wouldn’t get as many clicks if you were telling people that it might be partially their fault. You are targeting the women in their 40s that are very influenced by social media. Do a video that helps repair communication rather than cut it off. Also, if you are an actual therapist you would know that a true narcissist is very rare and can only be diagnosed by a professional and that everyone can exhibit narcissistic tendencies, including an adult woman that cuts off her family. But you never say that. Be fair in your videos and don’t blanket say that cutting off is always justified. That is a false narrative.
@ I can comment as I like thank you. My family has been destroyed but this thinking. If people want to cut off their family, go right ahead. But don’t encourage other people to do it. It’s a horrible thing to do. And honestly probably doesn’t make your life better in most cases. You’re just trading one problem for another. Have a nice day.
@@madeintheshadenorthdallasf1891 To try to help people try to understand what has gone on in their families is not encouraging people to leave it . If it doesn’t resonate with you , it’s not for you. There are plenty of people here who it does resonate with. It is for them , and if you can comment “ As you like “ so can the rest of us, including Chess verbally or otherwise .
“…the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.” John 1:5 This wisdom from the Bible describes what you’re saying. Using the verse for my own purpose, the light in this metaphor would be changing old ways to initiate repairs. New ideas, lightbulbs going on. Darkness is: refusing to consider you could be wrong, or that a new approach could help the situation. Chess, in your case, in your family, YOU are the light they can’t abide. They don’t have your integrity, and are baffled by your light. Another good quote I don’t know the source for is “darkness cannot abide in the light.” You are the light, their negativity fights you because your light drowns out their darkness, and they don’t want to change. Keep shining. 💡🤍
I was not, and never was my mother’s favorite child. I realized this as far back as a little girl. My grandmother ( My mom’s mom) told me after Mom died, that Mom beat me with an iron cord, as a baby. Early toddler. I don’t remember it, so I had to have been one or two years old. Grandma was so disturbed by what she saw, she had it out with Mom. I was a rainbow baby. I was born about a year after the one and only boy, my brother died at two months old. I often wondered if my parents were wanting another boy so badly after his death, that my birth, was very unwanted. If it hadn’t been for my wonderfully loving Dad, I don’t know what would have happened to me. My mother and my relationship was tense my whole life long. I loved her so much. It wasn’t reciprocated. I had 3 other sisters. I always yearned for the love she showed them. I did estrange myself from my parents for a period of time. I got angry with Mom over a slight to me. I finally told her I was fully aware of her feelings about me. We were shouting over the phone. She hung up on me. I swore I’d never speak to her again. But, I couldn’t very well do that without estranging my Dad. So… I’m an old woman now. I will never really know why Mom felt about me the way she did. But, for all of the water under the bridge, I still love her dearly. My love for her won out over her disdain for me. And, I feel good about that.
I made the mistake of breaking no contact, after my Sisters Husband died. I was genuinely concerned for her and called her. In the conversation, she insulted my home, my life and my mental health.😵💫 Honestly, who does that???
I am writing about my dear friends situation. She is the survivor of trauma(terrible childhood) and did make some parenting decisions that were informed by that. But she was always fiercely loving and protective. But her daughter is unforgiving of her damaged Mum, and can not stop punishing her. What to do?
I went no contact 10 years ago and wish I had done it 40 years earlier. We hang on because we desire a normal loving connection that a normal family would have. Finally figured it out that it was them being ugly and not because I deserved it.
No cintact for me means no contact ever. When I am done I am done.
I went no contact from my best friend. Thirty years I put up with her condescending never stop drama life. She drained our family financially, emotionally, had me convinced I was an idiot that people universally thought me a foo, and I was lucky she stood by me. After I finally stood up for myself and sent her packing, I felt like I’d been hit by a car. I don’t make friends now because I’m scared to let someone like that in my life again. She was a life mimic. Anything I did she emulated. Decorating, buying a couch, piercings. Three weeks after she had an abortion she discovered I had been having fertility treatment, she was pregnant within 6 weeks. A horror of a human being.
People who want to be you are SUPER dangerous.
I just found your channel and I can relate. I went through physical and mental abuse from my family. I'm way beyond that at this time since both of my parents and my older brother have died. I still suffer from PTSD but have counselor to help me get through some lingering issues.
I can feel your pain as you speak and I just want to let you know it's ok. It's been about 6 years since my mother died. My father passed on many years earlier. I continued to try to get along with my mother until the end. I didn't expect any love from my mother, which made it easier. I've been on my own for over 20 years which has given me plenty of time to get to know myself. I'm not perfect but
I know that I wasn't the cause of the problems with my family. I'm OK.
As the scapegoat who was forced to estrange I will keep an eye on this comments section to see how many parents this video lands for. Needless to say, I will not be holding my breath. Very well put, Chess. Thank you.
The evil abuse from my mother, supported and blind-eyed from my father built up to an explosion, and that is when I walked away from the FOO, never to return. The entire family imploded after this. My parents and siblings divorced and all went NC with each other, and my ex-husband died in the throws of his desperate entanglement with my mother. Still, my enabling father holds firm that it was all my fault. And has no idea why the other two sisters estranged. And the flying monkeys run to his assistance... He portrays the victim role and has always. He will die the victim, iso just owning up and saying "I didn't protect my children".
@@sixtysense It's interesting (and sad) how an abusive, dysfunctional family is held together by the scapegoat, and also destroyed by the scapegoat's absence. I'm sorry for the abuse you suffered. I hope you're in therapy, and that you find good people to surround yourself with. ❤
@@sixtysense We're you the empathy of the family? The Dear Abby? The one everyone used as the emotional punching bag, but also went to for comfort?
@@BunsenHoneydew001 So TRUE!! Wonder, but not terribly, why that is? Ex-scapegoat here; and when I left the firm 🤭 all scattered like the winds - 💨 poof 💨 be gone!
@@JOHNTHEWHISK I have been very clear to my so called mother why I don't want her in my life. Yet, according to her, she has NO IDEA why. Yes, all parents are fake victims in my eyes.
Dear Chess, great video. Thank you. I am an estranged mother from my son on 24. He cut contact when he was 17 years old. In the meantime I have seen him 3 times, I think. The last 7 yrs I have worked on my own recovery after a very difficult marriage, that ended 15 yrs ago. Unfortunately I was stuck for eight yrs. Luckily I found tools for recovery. And life is truly amazing today. I miss my son extremely and hope that he feels my positive energy somehow. He is such a lovely young man, good temper, empathic, pleasent to be around, clever. A truly good person Unfortunately born into an until now unhealed trauma-family. I hope to reunite soon❤️
Have you apologized and told him you realize that you had blind spots, you failed in some ways, and you want to be both accountable and helpful in rewriting a new, healthy relationship that involves respecting him and not manipulating him?
@@onshiplessoceans1675Thank you for your comment😊 Very appreciated! Yes, some yrs ago I sent him a letter with an apology. Good idea about the blind spots. I will work on this idea. Thank you🙏🏻 Happy new year⭐️
You sound a lot more self-aware than the people who often pop up in these situations, and I hope the two of you can work it out.
Good video. Thank you. I am genuinely shocked by the number of estranged parents IN TOTAL DENIAL posting on here.
Thanks! I know- it seems crazy how many parents seem so lost. It's sad.
I'm not. This group would break the youtube algorithm and think they are on the right side because of it.
I hear a lot "but we're family and you only have one" or "don't you even like us?" Well, no. I set boundaries and I've decided those won't budge - for my mental health.
Would you say that if the person/people you cut off were to start respecting those boundaries you would be open to reconcile, or have they just inflicted too much trauma on you to make that even a possibility.
If someone feels the need to go no contact, I think that a lack of empathy from the person you need to get distance from is almost certainly a big part of the problem. Because of that, they're not going to look at themselves, they're going to blame the other person. If the ability to see things from the other persons perspective was present, there probably wouldn't be a reason to go no contact because the problem could have been resolved. Going no contact with family is very difficult, I don't think anybody would do it without a good reason. It's very easy to say that someone is just being difficult, but my experience is that if you look closer, there are always reasons for why people do what they do.
I went NC 18mos ago not really even knowing what it was or that it was a thing. I told my parents that I couldn’t continue with the relationship as it was. That I would meet them in any therapists office of their choosing. I’d even pay for it. My mum said to me “well, I had no idea there were so many problems. Thanks for getting in touch.” That’s my last contact. Going NC is not something anyone would do just to make a point. It’s simply too painful. My heart aches every day for what could be. But my mind never lets me go very far with hope. As a result of going NC I have been very isolated. It feels very alien to the world that you don’t speak to your family so don’t expect empathy/sympathy from many. I have a best friend and a boyfriend who have gotten me thru these 18 mos. Plus a little therapy. I’m on the wait list with Chess now. I’ve “shopped” so many therapists and so many don’t really get how hard this is and they just want to ask the templated question “how does that make you feel?” I always want to turn the question back round to them! How would it make anyone feel, no matter their age, to walk away from their family!? Rhetorical question. It feels completely alien and awful, but on the flip side my mental health and general wellbeing has improved. That’s worth its weight in gold. All the very best to everyone out there who just made it through Christmas. ❤
Much love from a Greek scapegoat ❤ Happy Holidays 🎉❤and a Happy New Year 🎉( edit: no contact means for me being happier, free, and more healthy physically and especially mentally , since i have cptsd ,depression, anxiety ,im doing so much better. And it wouldn't be possible of how broken i was if it wasn't for my 19year old son who's the one who actually encouraged me to do it .😅😊 btw single parent
8:18. Bingo! "It's okay to not be super close with our children, but pretending we are when we're not is a blindspot." That's my f.o.o. All superficial. No honest discussions. Just show up, strut and fret your hour on the stage and go home. So. Empty. And this is LIFE! It's FINITE! Flee the shallow, dive deep! Live a life worth living! ✨☮️
"Must one not fight the Foo"?
ruclips.net/video/SBjQ9tuuTJQ/видео.html
Yes, those encounters are performative rather than vulnerable and authentic. You’ve nailed it.
Agree!! SIck and tired of it. DONE.
My son was working so hard to keep contact with us behind his narcissistic spouse but he always fell back into doing her dirty work of canceling,excusing, blaming or accusing. We would always listen not react and then wait for things to open up again. This time we stated our needs and defended the ourselves stood our ground told them they hurt us and we won’t tolerate that. They cut us off and we actually ate ok with it. We are much happier when we are not the targets and clearly our son won’t be changing with the status quo. I can worry about his issues he deals with but it would only put me back in the cycle. So we are continuing on with the happy life we have when we’re not dancing around egg shells.
@@vilainrouquin You're only hearing one side of the "overbearing--your term --- narcissistic ---their term ---spouse" story.
11:54 Blindspot
Your self respect matters.
if you son partnered with a narcissistic as you say, one of his parents is likely a narcissist
I went no contact because she does not understand boundaries at all. No surprise she does not respect this and tries to get into contact again. I can not understand how these kind of people don’t see they just prove the point. 🤷🏻♀️
Well, I am so done. I will stay NC and heal. Happy new year everyone! 🎉
@ it sure is. I just need to move and change my name too. 🤪
Happy No Narcs to you too 👍
I went no contact with my whole family. I'm the scapegoat so, I'm outnumbered. After 55 years trying to fit in and not finding support but lies, drama, blaming for everything... It got to a point trying to talk to them was pointless.
They have my email but they won't write to me. They just don't care and they never did. I'm curious about how are they getting along among them without me, their trash can.
If you went no contact, why would they email you?
@@madeintheshadenorthdallasf1891 Because people that care, care that you feel so hurt you need to walk away, and will do what they can to rectify a bad situation,at least in the beginning .
@ yes. I cared very deeply why my sister did this. I would have done anything for her. However, she was cold, refused to talk and now I’m done with her.
They found another target. 🎯
I spent 20 years in and out of infertility clinics. At the age of 50, I went to visit my Father. He told me I looked like I had gained 50 pounds! Then said, I wish you were just pregnant. That was the last time I saw him. I came from this toxic family, what a mess.
Oh wow, that was so horrible of him. I'm glad you have found your peace. 💙
I think you may have misunderstood him. He may have had a moment of poorly forming his thoughts. Please dont estrange over this!!
My life and the holiday season has been so much better after going no contact with my sister. I grew up in a narcissistic household and after my parents passed on my sister "took over". I am 5 years older than her. I am a giver and she is a taker. After spending $$$ on her and her kids at Xmas each year she would send a cheep "joke" gift. (She own's her own business and employee's several people.) This really bothered me as I love the holidays and the idea of family. The last 2 times that I called her she was quick to get off the phone and didn't call me back. So after the last Xmas "gift" arrived ( I won't tell you what it was) I cut off contact with her some 10 years ago and my holidays have been much happier not wondering what she was going to send me! I have not her from her which works for me! Thanks for your channel!
Your "sister" sounds like my twin. She got me these hideous plastic earrings one year. I tried to be gracious and thanked her saying "they're so bright and festive!" And she just stared at me and replied "Oh, I just went to the store and picked out the ugliest earrings I could find and knew you'd love them." Yeah. It was literally death by a thousand cuts until I walked away for my own survival. 👍
@@sharonthompson672 That's some rare honesty
@@sharonthompson672 Sounds like that twin intentionally wanted you to understand her hateful message. Disgusting human behavior.
"Death by a thousand cuts"
Yes! That's how I feel.
I have friends who are more like family to me than my own immediate family. They don't try to control or demean me; they care about me💞
My parents NEVER wanted to hear that my sister at 24 years pulled a knife out of a kitchen draw and pressed hard against my neck. I was 21 years old. They ignored what I said then got very angry with me for bringing it up periodically for about 4 years. I was trying to get them to just acknowledge the severity of that situation. I am 59 years old now, and I feel insane for the fact of telling them over and over about ALL the abuse and expecting the result... (their reaction, to at the very least understand ) to be different.
@@vilainrouquinThank you. The weird thing is, reading what you wrote and that time a psychiatrist confirmed I have PTSD, is that I acknowledge what you wrote and at the same time I gather I am so numb from it all that I (forgive me, I can't seem to find the right words) feel helpless and stuck while at that same time well aware of the impact. Thank you for your reply.
@@KvittySilverMoon It Really does help to whisper the Serenity Prayer to myself - even 20 years after we’ve been estranged. Or to just repeat ‘I have No control over what other people do’. I suspect I’ll always need to do this so that I don’t get into relationships with a similar dynamic. 💔💕😫
@@vilainrouquinThank you for this. It was hard to listen to. I went to her website and signed up for her free Daily Practice. Thank you.❤
I am the parent of a middle aged drug addict and after many years of abuse from her had to insist on no contact ever for our sanity and safety. She understands if she should ever try to cross that boundary we would immediately call law enforcement for help and get a permanent injunction from the court for our protection. Having said all that, we believe that where there is life there is hope and we wish her and her children all the best..
My strongest conclusion to all this family dysfunction is that we all operate in a fantasy. We pretend, ignore, comply, hope, dream and fake our way through relationships. Fantasy is the sister of denial. Those who go no contact are wading through the mire of truth and reality! Ask the parents what they think is the real reason is and their answer tells you everything!
My family is dead. My inlaws are alive and well adpnd very abusive and / or bullies. My husband can also be a bullie, but with therapy, I don't tolerate it any more. I've gone no contact.
Thanks Chess, these perspectives are interesting. I have witnessed situations of elders demanding respect and compliance, and patience - even love, when they themselves are not able to offer any of those things 😢
They will try and draw you back in to responding. No contact means don’t ever respond. If you respond in six months or five years, they will bait you back in another six months or five years. Don’t open the mail, don’t respond to the person. You need to grieve each event and each time. I missed weddings, the birth of children and the funeral of aunts and uncles. It is beyond hard sometimes but I stayed away in order to heal. I can go to the cemetery after the funeral but I don’t need to attend. No contact is a series of grief and more healing Some people are too toxic to be around, I would never pick them as friends, so why buy Christmas gifts. This is a very difficult decision but it should be a firm boundary decision. I said it once and I meant it.
It's rare that a truly toxic person changes, IME. Even if they promise to change, they'll eventually start doing the same things again. Having said that, I've had good luck setting boundaries with some of the more difficult family members, but I have to regularly reinforce those boundaries or they will be violated. In my case, it's usually related to the hardcore religion I was raised in.
After having gone no contact with my siblings I've noticed that I have no desire to explain to them my why. They were there, they have the same facts, let them figure it out.
Explaining to someone why they were left like this, just tell them to look in a mirror. It's them, not the leavers
No!!!! The ones cutting off do not get a pass across the board. They could be just as wrong as anyone.
We are no contact and I think it’s actually a relief for us and I think for our Daughter. For almost 20 years we have had to walk on eggshells in order to maintain a relationship with our Daughter.
It’s so freeing and peaceful to have no contact. We do have a relationship with our two Grandchildren who are 15 and 19 years old and they are the joy of our lives.
You're lucky you are allowed contact with the grandchldren.. We have been villianized and lied about by our daughter to them and our entire family to cover her sins. It's a horrible and sickening reality. ENJOY THOSE precious grandchildren!!
@@sarahvogel1359I can’t imagine not being able to see our Grandchildren. I took care of them for many years and they are the joy of my life. I am so sorry that you are not able to see your Children. Hopefully that will change when your Grandchildren are older and reach out to you.”
Thanks Chess for discussing the blind spots people have and how to communicate in a good relationship by monitoring what the other person is feeling. So important. Appreciate your insights and discussions.
Thank you!
There was no advice in this video about repairing the relationship. It’s only about giving people permission and encouragement to ruin their families.
Hi, Chess. Today's my mom's birthday and I'm looking for solace and understanding in videos, again. Thank you for speaking about this. Although I'm on the other side, the child who is estranged and who went "no contact", I can appreciate what you're saying to the parents. My older brother went no contact, before I did, and my mom hounded him and had others try to contact him, as well. She also kept saying "I couldn't have done anything THAT wrong". That's pretty much the same that she said to me, when I told her that our relationship was in jeopardy and that we had some repair work to do. She also said that she didn't want to change. The combination of those two things, plus the lifetime of hurt and emotional abuse that kept coming up for me, told me that I would probably never feel safe with her and I had to disconnect, as painful as that was. It's been 3.5 years and I miss her, so much. I wish I could just call her and wish her happy birthday. I'm also dealing with a health crisis and could use some comfort and sometimes I just want my mommy. I had felt, for years before I disconnected, that calling my mom, when I was in distress, would likely make me feel worse about myself, rather than better. Anyway, I am really hurting, today, and I want parents out there to know that no contact can be just as painful for the child, as it is for the parent. I agree with you, Chess, that there's often a buildup of hurt and it's usually far from a casual decision. But, it's also sometimes very necessary for the child to protect themselves from the parent, mentally and emotionally. And if the parents are not hip to what emotional abuse and narcissism look like, then maybe it would be a good idea to study up on those things. I mean every parent makes mistakes and I know it's a really tough job. I wouldn't want to be a parent and I'm glad that I'm not. But, as with any relationship, if the person is not willing to even entertain the idea that they have caused some major wounds, when confronted, and they're not willing to change, there's really no workability there. It's all on the child to "suck it up" and a person can only do that for so long, before it really takes a toll on their health and well-being. Sorry this is long-winded. I'm just trying to get through, today, because my heart is hurting really badly. Thanks for this video, Chess. Love and blessings! - Claire
I love your videos Jess. I think many of us have felt that the relationship with our parent has been one sided. Feeling talked at. Or if there are financial issues they are experiencing that there is an expectation to drop everything and rescue. Thank you for seeing this and talking about it.
It is not a reaction. It is an ongoing observation overtime and a painful decision. I went no contact for a year. Blamed. Came back and my mother excluded me from her birthday celebration after we talked about getting together. 😢She said you can’t be invited to everything. It’s my birthday 😪 excluding your child? Hurts. But healing. Radical acceptance. I’ve seen her do it to others, even to her other children and friends who are not strong enough to evolve.
I realized my parents were toxic... but I held my older sister on a pedestal... and this last year I realized she is also toxic
I'm sorry. I hope the realization will help you figure out what is best for you. Wishing you well.
the un fortunate assumption by algorithm and collective consciousness is that it is always the children making the "no contact" decision.
My uncle spent decades not contacting his elderly mother who lived 100 miles away. It was his wife that didn't want contact and he submitted to her wishes. He had no problem with his mother. Finally at her 85 th birthday his sister invited him to the family gathering and he came (with his wife) as though nothing had ever happened. His mother was happy to see him, of course, but did not make a fuss of his long absence.
Your video is an excellent resource for understanding "no contact". I continue to enjoy your channel.
I appreciate your comment. Glad it helped! Wishing you all the best with whatever brings you here.
I was not, and never was my mother’s favorite child. I realized this as far back as a little girl. My grandmother ( My mom’s mom) told me after Mom died, that Mom beat me with an iron cord, as a baby. Early toddler. I don’t remember it, so I had to have been one or two years old. Grandma was so disturbed by what she saw, she had it out with Mom. I was a rainbow baby. I was born about a year after the one and only boy, my brother died at two months old. I often wondered if my parents were wanting another boy so badly after his death, that my birth, was very unwanted. If it hadn’t been for my wonderfully loving Dad, I don’t know what would have happened to me. My mother and my relationship was tense my whole life long. I loved her so much. It wasn’t reciprocated. I had 3 other sisters. I always yearned for the love she showed them. I did estrange myself from my parents for a period of time. I got angry with Mom over a slight to me. I finally told her I was fully aware of her feelings about me. We were shouting over the phone. She hung up on me. I swore I’d never speak to her again. But, I couldn’t very well do that without estranging my Dad. So…
I’m an old woman now. I will never really know why Mom felt about me the way she did. But, for all of the water under the bridge, I still love her dearly. My love for her won out over her disdain for me. And, I feel good about that.
My brother married a narcissist. They cut off the entire family, no discussion, no argument. I don't accept my parents did anything to deserved it.
It is possible that people don't see what their family is until their 40s, 50s or 60s, if ever. I wasn't in your family so I don't know, but I do know dysfunctional families and my experience is that people don't get involved with abusers - that is they don't accept disrespect - unless they grew up in a family system of abuse and disrespect.
@@user-ry1vi1jc7oyou are so wrong. I see people on Facebook you going no contact with Theo mother in laws all of the time over petty things. This is a popular thing for women in their 40s to do now. It’s cruel and it ruins families.
I am estranged from my mother and adult sister...the Enabler and the Manipulator. My physical health has suffered from the stress.
I AM DONE!
Wishing you well in your recovery! Hopefully distance from them will help a lot!
Thank you for this, Chess! I’m happy it’s getting views, and hope that people give you the respect? Grace? of watching the entire video before commenting. But/and we’re all pretty ‘raw’ and are going through crap times - otherwise we wouldn’t be watching this video at 2am PST in my case.
I’m Also a Brit who landed in California and I am now completely family-less. My 2 chosen family members died recently, and I feel like I’m an orange balloon, completely untethered from community, the earth, Everything. I’m just floating along wherever the wind, rain, storms take me.
Some people might find freedom in having absolutely no connections, but I feel like I’m Chicken Little, waiting for the sky to fall in. 😖
It sounds like you've been through a lot. I truly believe that with a bit of time things do start to heal. Hang in there, you aren't alone, and.... the sky won't fall. Sending support.
@ PS: What’s interesting is that both of my parents are dead, and cut me off from the rest of my family - so I’ve been dealing with this for 30 years, but/and even though they’re dead I feel like I’m dragging their ghosts around with me so for me at least, consciously estranging from them is Still helpful even if my abusers are dead. In my case at least.
And, xo to you! Yay Us! 🌈
Not all parents do know why an adult child stops talking to them. It's not always so simple. I appreciate your videos and do understand your situation as I watched that video.
When people have difficulty in their relationships, for me, it always boils down to whether or not they really care about their family or friend. If you care, you work to understand the views of others and seek a middle ground (compromise) in which to construct the relationship. It has to be mutual. There must be the ability to recognize we are not all the same. We have to respect boundaries, but boundaries must first be established and understood before being imposed. I could go on and on about what a healthy relationship looks like, but the bottom line is: both parties have to care about the other enough to sustain the good and work through the rough spots.
The source of these problems has to be in the existence of a toxic family dynamic that existed before the children became adults. We didn't just grow up and suddenly realize there were problems. Understanding the childhood environment isn't easy, but it is the crucible for the issues we face within our family as adults.
I didn't go entirely "no contact" but I set very firm boundaries with my parents (with the help of my therapist.) And I didn't make an announcement, hey I'm setting these boundaries!! I just set them. It was very hard at first but got easier when I saw how much better my life was.
That's great! Good for you!
My adult children estranged me, my son literally told me I wasn't good enough as a parent, 2 Christmases ago, I was broken. Short history, ex wife demonised me during our divorce, I didn't see my 3 children for 10 yrs, then met up and spent 10 yrs trying to make it work, it hasn't
I am seriously considering estrangement from my mother. Hearing this perspective was very helpful. It is not a decision that is made without any regard for the feelings of others, even the toxic or narcissistic parent.
Only a certified therapist can diagnose narcissism. A true narcissist is very rare. Everyone can have narcissistic tendencies. These influencers are trying to make money encouraging people to destroy their families. These videos get a lot of views. I don’t know your situation but don’t do it. When a relationship goes south. both people are usually at fault. Please don’t do this to your mother. Work it out with her and be willing to look inward to yourself as well.
My husband is the estranged parent in our situation. I try very hard to understand my stepdaughters point of view because we don't know her reasoning. But it's still very difficult. It's a grieving process for us. Thank you for this video.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Estrangement is so challenging. I wish you well and hope you can find some peace and clarity moving forwards. Take care.
I am interested in next steps for parents video t hanks!
Me too, I'm wondering if it's going to be "Take two steps back"
One thing I said to myself was, if a friend had manipulated, belittled and humiliated you, would you think of them as your friend and would you still want a relationship with them.
I went no contact with 2 brothers and 2 sisters .. 1 brother I was living with was so toxic I had to flee living there in fear for my life. My 2 sisters basically aborted our relationship because I don’t think at all like they do politically .. (we all know about those things) and all reason or logic I mentioned was pummeled and then concerted efforts were to get others (their kids and other siblings) to feel negatively toward me too .. there were other times they were extraordinarily dismissive of terrible things that happened to me in my youth and our parents didn’t give a damn about putting blame on me .. very traumatizing to be treated by these siblings like that (preprogrammed to belittle the scapegoat youngest which was common when I was quite young).. I doubt they even realize how much of a narcissist our mother was ( she was too ‘special’ to associate with anyone who wasn’t rich) .. it is evident in how they wrote up her obituary but they don’t even see it in their own words .., they pretend, perhaps to the very end, that we had a great family of origin .. the emotional neglect and cruelty was atrocious and all were put on the treadmill of competition to get approval from mommy dearest … it causes me far less pain to go no contact than to spend the rest of my days trying to get them to listen and have any empathy or understanding of my perspective or the true reality that we were all in.. it doesn’t fit the narrative of what they like to pretend the reality was … it hasn’t served them well and it definitely never served my emotional health well EVER .. no contact serves my emotional health better .. they’ve lately hoovered for the ‘holidays’ and I have ignored .. fortunately I have 2 other siblings who actually see it .. they will play along with the others but they are aware and it is easy to be around and converse with the 2 siblings
Yes, please post a follow up video on how to work on an estranged relationship. I’m still in the stages of being an estranged parent. Lots to unpack.
I will. Thanks for letting me know that would be useful, and, from my perspective, being open to wanting to work on your relationship. It takes courage and time, and, personally, I think that because you are willing and wanting to invest in understanding and making amends, it bodes well for your relationship.
The video may take a few weeks, but it'll come. Wishing you well.
Hi Chess. Happy New Year.
The estranged can by chance show up at a gathering, if the estranged doesn't matter, their presence won't matter.
Please make a video about reconnect with you children .The steps. Thank you. I have learned a lot from you.😍❤
Dear Chess, This video post has clearly hit a nerve. Let me be one who thanks you for this forum, where people who have chosen to go no contact can share their personal stories and do their best to heal and move forward in their lives. You have responded to the angriest comments directly and calmly.
Thank you, Chess, for more clear thoughts on this difficult subject.
I am interested in hearing about next steps for repairing.
For context, I was not in an abusive relationship that i didn't escape until my children were adults so they have all that hurt. I am willing to own my part of their hurt, how to help them see that's not a weakness?
When an adult child or children go no contact, and have tried repeatedly to express one’s discontent, parent(s) don’t get it is because 2 nickels make a dime; in other words: they ain’t trying to get it. It’ll always be 🫵 your fault.
@ I used to hear that a lot. 🙄
It’s still hilarious that so many estranged parents play the victim card, when they admit they were “just doing the best they could” and “weren’t perfect”, then refuse to acknowledge the long term impacts it had on their children….for one tragic reason…..the trauma and pain they caused to the adult child wasn’t as bad as what they endured from the adult child’s grandparent.
Direct quote from the rebuttal after I set hard boundaries: “My Daddy broke my nose when I was 16 and I still loved him…”
I almost responded with: “Would you still love him had he raped you instead? Abuse is abuse.”
I made the mistake of breaking no contact, after my Sisters Husband died. I was genuinely concerned for her and called her. In the conversation, she insulted my home, my life and my mental health.😵💫
Honestly, who does that???
I’m so sorry for you. I think sometimes the people that cut off their families are not fair to their families. .
I've never seen any videos on when a DIL sabotages the relationship between Mother and Son. It happens more than people think.
It's perfectly ok for her Mother to be in her life and involved with the grandchildren; but not for the Husband's mother. When I asked to be invited to their house to visit (they moved 2 hours away) he said "too busy"; she said "not home" in unison like it had been rehearsed. I haven't asked again. I have no idea what I did wrong or said. It's been 2 years.
I would like to see this issue addressed and any kind of solutions because I'm at a loss. All I get from my son now is Text messages for my Birthday, Christmas etc and I only see my Grandkids on Facebook so I have unfollowed them as it's just painful.
I'm estranged from my family of origin because I was the Scapegoat. I did everything I could while raising my sons not to be my Mother. Was it perfect...No...but it was way better than how I was raised. My kids knew they were loved.
Have you written your son a letter (the old fashioned way) asking why they do not reach out? Tell the, you believe you have a blind spot and ask him what behavior he needs from you. Own up to past mistakes and show vulnerability and humbleness. Or have you just deflected and denied any behavior that may have led up to estrangement? For me, it was a lifetime of put down humor, name calling, shame and gaslighting. I was not the Golden child, or the male born son. I was the “accidental pregnancy” that they used to laugh and tease me about, Third born, and youngest. When I went no contact, that was it. NM completely cut me off as I was no longer willing to kiss the ring. Now she has my abusive and temperamental siblings who treat her terribly and she complains to my adult children, who she hangs on to communicating with, that I was her favorite, yet she has not once reached out in any fashion over the last 3 years to ask or reflect. She is self absorbed and believes she is the victim. Yes, I am happier with them not in my life, but there is always a lingering sadness.
@@StevenSutlief your situation, and the comment you are replying to are entirely different situations. It is not fair to accuse this woman of doing something wrong when you don’t even know her family or her situation. Just because your family was one way, does not mean that she deserves to be cut off from her family. That is cruel to respond like that. Not every child who cuts off their family is always 100% right. There could be 1 million different scenarios. Give parents a break.
I believe there is only ONE reason to go No Contact.
But first, the reasons that aren't sufficient:
Revenge, or punishing them for childhood, adolescent memories, favouritism of other siblings, etc.
Money and property disputes. You don't get to take anything with you.
Different politics.
Disapproval of one's lifestyle...though this is close, such as excessive drug use.
Reputation reasons, rich not wanting to associate with poor, educated not wanting to associate with uneducated.
Bitterness.
Jealousy.
List goes on...
The ONE reason to go No Contact is for your own or another's SAFETY, whether physical or mental. You know the next interaction will be the same or worse than the previous, or the previous, ad infinitum. It will only be painful for both parties.
We keep gasoline and flame away from each other for a reason. Results predictable.
I'm not the parent but the estranged child. I cut off the abusive parent and they kept trying to force contact. Eventually the enabling parent cut me off which was very painful.
Your video is right on. I don't think my parents understood no contact at all. Not only did the not adhere to it (I still get messages from time to time from the abusive parent), but they also thought of it as a childish way of punishing them.
Steps would be interesting. I debate whether to try to work towards some kind of relationship with them. I don't believe it's even possible for the abuser to change at this point but the enabler could. Unfortunately they think therapy is all to blame for the estrangement and that I'm brainwashed by therapists (I've had three different in a decade and worked with several others for my kids and family). So they declined my indication to attend family therapy or mediation. It's just exhausting to consider most of the time and I live a happy and fulfilling life without them most of the time. It's just a weird place to be because family is so central to our culture.
Your parents are probably correct.
I have given my time and money. The adult child has 3 children and would move in to get his finances in order and free babysitting and free housing…then after 9 months or more go back to the X without a word. It is time for the 33 yo to deal with the life they created…my other adult child is also tied of trying with the sibling…
two of my kids dont have anytthing to do with me and my husband. at first we tried talking to them about it (for years actually) now, we just have to move on with our lives. It's not always the parents fault when children and parents can't get along.
I am so sorry you were going through that. There is no pain worse than that. And you were right. And I am tired of these people making these videos telling people that it’s OK to cut off their family. No, it may be necessary under certain circumstances, however, what needs to happen is better communication not cutting off communication. And the influencers on RUclips don’t seem to address that at all.
unfortunately that is the biggest problem, lack of communication because the adult children have not been allowed to communicate their needs the whole of their lives. There is no 2 way conversations, the child is taught to ignore their own needs and usually an enabling parent will encourage them to do so, over and over again until the child has no voice that is listened to within the home. A “family” should be a group of people respecting one another other’s needs and wants. The children should be encouraged to grow into their own personality, to achieve independence and make their way in the world and be allowed to make their own mistakes without judgment and ridicule . To be seen and heard, loved and nurtured UNCONDITIONALLY, not because the child did as he/she were told . That is not love it is manipulation.
Of course children should be guided, taught manners and respect then allowed to grow into an individual .
Adult children rarely go no contact if in happy relationships with their parents. They go no contact because it’s too painful to be in contact .
@@sos3979
wow! You have actually talked to every single adult child that cut off their family? That must’ve been a lot of work. You see, every family is different, and every person is different. The reasons adult children cut off from their family could be a multitude of reasons. There could be jealousy involved, spouses, inflated egos, financial situations, etc. Parents are not perfect but adult children are not perfect either. And this is a false narrative that because children cut off their parents it’s all the parents fault. That is a false narrative, that negates the responsibility of adult children to make sure they are doing the right thing and it is a false narrative that is destroying parents.
@@madeintheshadenorthdallasf1891 Which part do you disagree with? Yes there are many different reasons eg: mental illness , cult involvement and manipulation by outside forces which are outside the families control , I’m not referring to those . Each family may be different but as with any relationship lack of communicating effectively is key. Children learn from their parents first and foremost , especially how to communicate. If they cannot communicate with a parent then the parent ( in normal circumstances) must take some responsibility for that . Nobody said anybody was perfect . If the “reasons” you have mentioned are addressed correctly and effectively, honestly and kindly when they occur most situations can be repaired between rational humans who care for one another.
Please do a "next steps" video.
Next steps for parents who have been cut off? I am planning that one, for sure. Thanks for your comment and wishing you well.
@@thescapegoatclub Wishing you well, too, Chess. I'm grateful for your channel, your work here, and your willingness to share both your wisdom and your pain as you grow.
I think the video was useful but maybe missed the core issue which is that most of us scapegoats have explained until we are blue in the face what the issues are, and tried for years to achieve some kind of understanding of our position only to end up exactly back where we started with the narcissistic parent. Then they lie through their teeth and tell everyone they have no idea why we estranged when they know full well. This ends up making us look mad and bad and let's them off the hook completely. My mother abused and neglected me emotionally, spiritually and physically and failed to protect me from sexual abuse which I found out she knew about all along. She has refused to listen to me, gaslit me and completely refused to try in any way to understand me, the effect of my childhood on me or what I need from her in terms of apology. I went no contact five years ago because I couldn't take it anymore. Now she tells everyone she has no idea why I am acting like this and makes herself out to be the victim. Most parents often know exactly why their child estranged. They just can't admit it to themselves and it is easier to go on blaming the child. It is the final abuse of the abusive parent to trick the world into believing the child they let down so badly is mad and bad.
I think there are levels of no contact, like for a period of time, for ever, for christmas, until a parent has committed to personal therapy for at least a year.
I think your right chess, it is thar things have come to an unbearable standstill.
If the person has done everything they feel they can, to learn new skills and bring them to the family, to do their own therapy and hope to respond differently, to give themselves support and healthy boundaries and its still not working its very reasonable to call time for a break.
I would really consider what I have done to improve things. I would read some adult parent to adult child relationship information, to make sure that we have moved out of parent=authority/child=subordinate roles. Adult children need space to be seen for who they are. Surely its a relief for parents to move beyond the role of one directional support into more of a reciprocal adult interctive relationship, but that does mean letting go of a bit of control.
Letting go of control might be hard for different reasons.
It could be good to look at your own empowerment, and what expectation you have of loyalty vs harmony, of owing dues vs care and connection, of obedience vs stability and predictably reliable love.
There are so many areas parents can continue to grow.
One place to start would be exploring being willing to say sorry. If you dont want to, why dont you? Its really good to be able to say sorry, its healthy, its freeing, it feels good to be forgiven for shortcomings and let go of perfectionism, and just be loved.
There is so much that can be improved in most families.
Taking space can hopefully be for a period of time while things improve, so people can relax from the stress of conflict. Thats healthy.
Work on skills.
Work on love.
Work on appology.
Work on accepting difference.
Work on forgiving yourself.
Work on honesty.
Work on ideas of owing, duty, personal empowerment, life fulfillment.
Work on projecting your own expectations, and attend to those yourself.
Work on accepting what is.
Work on this all based on the assumption that whoever your dealing with has reasonable reasons for making that choice, that makes it right for them. Acceptance really helps.
Good luck! Change is possible, if your willing to change your behaviour
Thinking about my own family and how long it took me to go no-contact, I have come to the conclusion that most of us are extremely naïve about the level and prevalence of evil in this world. We think we can trust our government, our doctors, our neighbors, coworkers, and every member of our family. When you look at children's shows, for the most part the bottom line message is that even though there may be a villain, the world loves them, adores them, and is on their side. This simply is not reality. I think one of the better things we can do is to understand that trust is earned, believe the red flags when we see them, and separate from those who are waving them.
There are multi facets to relationships. Some of these commentators just don’t like their parents, along the lines of you thinking where your parents live isn’t a place you would choose to go to.
I am writing about my dear friends situation. She is the survivor of trauma(terrible childhood) and did make some parenting decisions that were informed by that. But she was always fiercely loving and protective.
But her daughter is unforgiving of her damaged Mum, and can not stop punishing her. What to do?
Trying to face the enormity of estrangement. A christmas where I wrote to two distant cousins about me having moved addresses , and no cards as there is no longer a forwarding address. You can guess why that is ! I gave other options but this Christmas .. no one had a shred of kindness to show .. a great big revenge from the instigators. At least now I know ! I see this as collective bullying which is off the scale. ....................... Looking at this even more closely .. I observe that real victims do not go around drumming up support for themselves ! However the active bullying undertone continues with the bully claiming victimhood and at the same time drumming up support for an action of collective bullying by the " flying monkeys " as well ! Just saying . Quite a revelation for me !
Reconciliation does not necessarily mean you agree to have a relationship with anyone
If NC hurts so much, or they were so close before, then why not listen BEFORE it gets to that point? Why not apologize? It makes 0 sense
I'm not too sure how healthy it is to be airing all this family drama, especially since it's involving lawyers. Also you can get another drivers license if you tell motor vehicle yours was lost or stolen....
I thought these videos were years old - hasn’t it been at least 3 years since you had contact and do you ever consider you are part of the problem ??? And. What has made you an experts> - sometimes as I have read, it is when the son marries a wife that doesn’t like his family - women tend to go to their families., sadly, the son doesn’t see many of the issues, this is just one example, which I see in a lot of these comments - i think the families that have open discussions all the while the children are growing up, tend to continue with open communication and it make s a very big difference in all relationships.
I'll just respond to that last sentence because you make a great point there- families with open communication are the most resilient and likely to weather storms. It's when this doesn't happen that problems occur. In my experience (with my family and as a therapist) communication problems aren't new, they just have been ignored or normalised. I think estrangement is often a result of adults trying to speak to problems that have been going on for years, but others won't change. I see a lot of people believing they are having open discussions, but not really doing so- the blind spots I discuss in the videos.
@ I have to say my open communication remarks ,are what I felt with myself and our children that we weren’t good about - we got better as they got older - but both hubby and I discussed ,we wished we had more round table on their growing years. The problem being and as you can probably tell by my remarks, I’m older my husband and I were both brought up with with the parents. Don’t ask any questions type of attitude so you kind of transport that same thing to your to your children. Nobody said families were easy
@@virginiaanderson8875 but you are one of the very few who realises this and accepts that you have done the same. You care about your children enough to want to do better. Not all parents do.
Thiings to consider:
Is your dad an alcoholic?
Are you really his child?
Has anyone ever left the country before you?
They feel abandoned.
Do they have a strange sence of humor? 😢
You are speaking as if all the adult children making this decision are scapegoats when this is often not the case. I am the scapegoat parent to an adult child narcissist, whose father and husband are also narcissists. I have been excluded from my daughters life without explanation, gaslighted and forbidden access to my grandson.
I vehemently disagree with your assertion that we parents MUST KNOW what we have apparently done to cause no contact. I really think your expectation that we do know and have a blind spot to our 'fault' is a narcissist trait in you. If the adult child is so clear about the parents terrible behaviour and is the victim, surely it makes sense for them to set out on paper/by email to the parent exactly what their decision to end the relationship is based upon? Why does the adult child expect the excluded parent to have to guess what their sin is? If the adult child is the innocent victim they would want to set out what they believe the parent has done so wrong. At least then the parent can adopt radical acceptance.
In my view any adult child who leaves the gaslighted parent guessing, is punishing the parent. They know they need to explain why, but they dont want to, as a form of control and shame of their own behaviour which is mostly the actual reason to go no contact with a kind and loving parent whose only sin has been to love their children.
I would also add, if the adult child believes no contact is the only option they should also stop talking about the gaslit parents to their flying monkey friends and here on youtube and instead use what they have learned about themselves to help other people, rather than constantly referencing their parents who have no right of reply, regardless of how terrible they are. Everyone is entitled to defend themselves.
Good for you in sharing. Thanks. 😊
@@vilainrouquin What is your point?
@@vilainrouquin that is your answer to my question about your comment on notary?
Anyway, in response to what you have said, you have clearly not read my post thoroughly. 'Staying away' is what I do. That does not mean that I must accept the situation when there is no finite explanation forthcoming from my narcissist adult child for the estrangement.
@vilainrouquin ah, youre a troll, I get it. 👍
Looky here everyone it appears a Narc has been successfully flushed out. How common it is for them to reverse the role to play the victim whilst making the true victim a perpetrator. No you are not owed an explanation, but please continue bowing your violin.
No contact is bringing a cluster bomb to a knife fight. The collateral damage is not considered by the estranger.
You’re putting blame on the one who had to be estranged from the family. One of my sisters didn’t even care that I left our family. She was conveying to others that she only had one sister and that did not include me. The bomb went off and she didn’t even know. She was telling people that something was wrong with me. So she didn’t suffer any damage at all.
so what you’re saying is you only care about the abuser and not the abused who HAD TO LEAVE to protect themselves, ugh.
No it's not. 1st option of violent knife fighting conflicts, evade them.
Don't really get your comparison between knife fights and estrangement though.
Starting one is a way to get estrangement going quick I guess and having a knife fight alone makes you look silly and everybody will run away thinking you're some kind of violent maniac lunatic. Complain about being estranged then.
You need emotional content, not anger !
Well, continuing contact with a person who continually harms you is a problem for YOU even if the other party is dedicated to pretending to be THE victim.
No. No contact is literally walking away from the knife fight altogether. A relationship is not a knife fight and if it is, that is the definition of abusive. It is never the sole responsibility of any one person to keep everyone else's bombs from going off.
Every situation is different. And I am tired of “influencers“ trying to make a buck making these videos. Going no contact in many cases is never going to resolve the relationship. I cannot speak for every situation in every family and I am sure there are different situations that it applies to. However, for many many families, someone that goes no contact is trying to make a point and get attention and hurt people. And I am sick of people like you making these videos telling people that it is OK to go to no contact and to destroy their families. My sister went no contact with me, never gave me an explanation, also never even admits that she is no contact with me although she refuses to talk to me. After two years of me doing everything, I possibly knew to do to make it right to communicate with her and try to fix it, she refused to talk to me. I now have no use for her. I do not want to speak to her. Our family is destroyed and I blame people like you for doing it. I don’t know what happened in your family and I’m sorry for whatever happened, but leave the rest of us alone, and stop trying to make money off of it. If you really wanted to help people, you would provide tools to families to help fix their communication problems. Not create and add to their communication problems. I am so infuriated by all of you people that are always talking about everybody being a narcissist. There aren’t that many true narcissists in this world. It is very rare, and most everyone has some narcissistic tendencies, and quite frankly, the ones that are going no contact probably are the ones who actually have more of the narcissistic tendencies than the others.
I'm so sorry you've been so hurt by estrangement. I understand how much it hurts. And because of that I would never try to push anyone into it. But I do stand by the mission of making the videos, which is to support people who have gone through such difficulty. I am sorry you think that by wanting to support others I have somehow caused your family break up. Obviously this isn't true.
I hope that you are able to move forwards with your pain. Also, a gentle reminder that if you don't like any particular subject online you can choose to move on with your day and not lash out. I don't think trying to be mean to other people makes us feel better in the long run.
Wishing you well.
@ I’m not being mean and clearly you aren’t personally responsible per se for my family. But the narrative that seems to be all over social media is that if you have issues with your family, or suspect they are “narcissistic “ then you are justified to cut them off. Truth is, all families are different. There are some serious false narratives out there that a child wouldn’t cut off their family without good reason and truth is there could be many reasons, including issues with the adult child. It is true that you are doing this to make money and you wouldn’t get as many clicks if you were telling people that it might be partially their fault. You are targeting the women in their 40s that are very influenced by social media. Do a video that helps repair communication rather than cut it off. Also, if you are an actual therapist you would know that a true narcissist is very rare and can only be diagnosed by a professional and that everyone can exhibit narcissistic tendencies, including an adult woman that cuts off her family. But you never say that. Be fair in your videos and don’t blanket say that cutting off is always justified. That is a false narrative.
@@madeintheshadenorthdallasf1891 stop victim blaming! If you don’t like what is being said scroll on. It is not your reality it is Chess’s .
@ I can comment as I like thank you. My family has been destroyed but this thinking. If people want to cut off their family, go right ahead. But don’t encourage other people to do it. It’s a horrible thing to do. And honestly probably doesn’t make your life better in most cases. You’re just trading one problem for another. Have a nice day.
@@madeintheshadenorthdallasf1891 To try to help people try to understand what has gone on in their families is not encouraging people to leave it . If it doesn’t resonate with you , it’s not for you. There are plenty of people here who it does resonate with. It is for them , and if you can comment “ As you like “ so can the rest of us,
including Chess verbally or otherwise .
“…the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.” John 1:5 This wisdom from the Bible describes what you’re saying. Using the verse for my own purpose, the light in this metaphor would be changing old ways to initiate repairs. New ideas, lightbulbs going on. Darkness is: refusing to consider you could be wrong, or that a new approach could help the situation.
Chess, in your case, in your family, YOU are the light they can’t abide. They don’t have your integrity, and are baffled by your light. Another good quote I don’t know the source for is “darkness cannot abide in the light.” You are the light, their negativity fights you because your light drowns out their darkness, and they don’t want to change. Keep shining. 💡🤍
I was not, and never was my mother’s favorite child. I realized this as far back as a little girl. My grandmother ( My mom’s mom) told me after Mom died, that Mom beat me with an iron cord, as a baby. Early toddler. I don’t remember it, so I had to have been one or two years old. Grandma was so disturbed by what she saw, she had it out with Mom. I was a rainbow baby. I was born about a year after the one and only boy, my brother died at two months old. I often wondered if my parents were wanting another boy so badly after his death, that my birth, was very unwanted. If it hadn’t been for my wonderfully loving Dad, I don’t know what would have happened to me. My mother and my relationship was tense my whole life long. I loved her so much. It wasn’t reciprocated. I had 3 other sisters. I always yearned for the love she showed them. I did estrange myself from my parents for a period of time. I got angry with Mom over a slight to me. I finally told her I was fully aware of her feelings about me. We were shouting over the phone. She hung up on me. I swore I’d never speak to her again. But, I couldn’t very well do that without estranging my Dad. So…
I’m an old woman now. I will never really know why Mom felt about me the way she did. But, for all of the water under the bridge, I still love her dearly. My love for her won out over her disdain for me. And, I feel good about that.
I made the mistake of breaking no contact, after my Sisters Husband died. I was genuinely concerned for her and called her. In the conversation, she insulted my home, my life and my mental health.😵💫
Honestly, who does that???
I am writing about my dear friends situation. She is the survivor of trauma(terrible childhood) and did make some parenting decisions that were informed by that. But she was always fiercely loving and protective.
But her daughter is unforgiving of her damaged Mum, and can not stop punishing her. What to do?