@@littlemissy8356 It isn’t a “waste of time” to honor one’s own history. Of course it changes nothing about the past. It’s to validate what happened and give space to grieve both what we lost and what we never got.
I went “no-contact” with my family because I wasn’t seen, heard or respected unless I was solving a problem or buying them something they wanted but couldn’t afford (a new furnace for my sister, a car for one of her daughters, a credit card bill paid off for the other one, a huge vet bill for one of their cats). Other than that, I didn’t seem to have any value except at family dinners where my sister and mother would (to my face) make fun of me in front of other family members. One dinner, my mother announced “… if anyone is going to say or do something wrong, it’ll be you.” And she pointed at me. Of course, everyone but me and my husband laughed. I died inside. Leaving the family dynamic was my only (last resort) option. My asthma improved immensely, plus it propelled me into therapy for the next 20 years of my life. I’m still grappling with the PTSD from it all and will, likely, do so for the rest of my life.
I'm really glad you have this podcast I was looking for something like this because of what I am going through. I was born and raised LDS in Utah. My mom was fanatical LDS she loved her religion more than she loved her own children. It's so good to hear that others are going through what I am. The LDS prophet made it clear that my family and members who were friends should not associate with me and not communicate with me about the history that I have studied, insights that I have learned. I guess now's a really good time to separate our ties. Dr Phil said: your family relationships are only as good as your experience and history with those people. Well I think what he said is true. Makes total sense. Just know you're not alone. Embracing my journey with my husband, my children and my grandchildren and my life.
Be strong! Someday you'll watch videos like this and the only thing on your mind will be " yeah.. I remember this s*it it's in another galaxy now". They don't care.
I’m glad you learned this hard lesson before they took further advantage of you. I know how painful it is when your family sees you as a “cash cow” on one hand then behind your back talk about how materialistic you are. That’s what my family did to me. I could never share career successes because it would cause envy, jealousy and more requests for favors/money. It was also an unspoken rule that my husband and I pick up the check for every dinner out even when they brought their husbands, various boyfriends and plus ones. I am now applying no-contact and though it hurts it’s given me time for pause I realize I can choose my true family. I no longer have interest in being taken for granted then being ridiculed because of jealousy and disrespect. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
They go silent because they know that they're not up to the task of doing the work. Acknowledging any wrongdoing would shatter their fragile sense of self.
The person who is being cut off doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand or tell you they’re sorry . They don’t care in the first place. They’re not in the same head space .
Some of us do have the emotional intelligence. No contact can be for many reasons. I have offered family therapy but everyone has to come to the table in a safe environment.
For me, it was that feeling of betrayal: they ignored all my requests for how they treated/talked to me for decades, but THIS one they follow to the T.
Wow, just having you share this and realize I am not alone in this is really helpful. I have been estranged from my parents less than a year. After writing a letter telling my parents the things I had struggled with regarding their treatment of me, I said in the letter that I love them, but needed to keep my distance. My dad’s response was to call and leave a message acting like I hadn’t said a word, and my mom has been completely silent. I’m not sure which hurts worse…the fact that my dad never acknowledges any of my feelings or the wrong he has done, or my mom’s complete silence after me telling them both the hurt they kept causing me. It’s that feeling that they truly, truly never really cared. That hurts. Thank you for your videos. It helps to know I’m not alone.
@@wendya1250 I’m not sure how she would be hurt by my letter. I wasn’t nasty or unkind. I was factual, sharing what she and my dad had said and done to make me break contact. After what happened that caused the final straw for me, I really don’t believe my mom or my dad love me. I helped them each week for years, going out of my way to help them. Let’s just say they didn’t exactly repay that help with kindness.
@wendya1250 my mom would have no reason to be hurt by my letter. I was not nasty or unkind. I was factual, sharing what she and my dad had said and done. I went out of my way to help my parents week after week for years. The “kindness” they repaid me, especially with what became the final straw for me, was anything but love.
My opinion: by reaching out to said parent to let them know you are going to estrange your relationship with them, is another cry for help from your inner child to be seen. Being disappointed by one’s parents acceptance of this “decision”, again, has nothing to do with the parents but of a child allowing to be dismissed/abused one more time. By grieving this unhealthy relationship should serve as a reminder that “for a sore to heal, you need to stop touching it.
@@theemarydee1610 "For a sore to heal, you need to stop touching it". Fantastic analogy! And may I add to that is going gray rock with others close to your narcissist neglectful or emotional abuser, one needs to not allow the narcissistic flying monkeys touch that sore spot.
That is so well said. Acknowledging our inner child is so important. My route looked different. I did not say a word to my father. I simply stopped communicating with him. It was all one sided anyway. I no longer sought to see him and visit. Would come across him in larger family visits and we were cordial. It’s just one of many ways to handle it. I no longer care what he thought or believed. I just closed the door quietly.
Hi Chess, I found your channel on Thanksgiving what a blessing! I have been enstanged from my family for 6 years, I had panic attacks and I just know it was my body telling me I wont have a long life if I dont cut them off! I live a very low key life and have a small circle of people that love and care about me. Thank you for all you do, I take great comfort knowing Im not alone. Life is to short! New member of the scapegoat club!
17 years of radio silence has been wonderful! But yes, I did go through grief of losing the parents. I realized they couldn't love me and probably never did. It's all about how they can't love anyone, not a reflection of me. There's no empathy from a narcissist. They can't do that and never will. They are broken people.
A feeling I really struggle with after my family didn't try to contact me after I cut them off was this weird kind of disappointment that they didn't "fight for me" or try in any way to save the relationship. To this day part of me would like it if they reached out, but another part would be horrified and not want anything to do with that. I know I made the right decision, but emotions are weird and complex things.
@@juliehoot3916 Maybe. But the thing I don't think they ever realized is that for a decade, I *did* try to save the relationship. There were years when the thought of doing so consumed me and dominated my life. The realization that such a thing was not possible was a very long time coming.
@nathanmatuch9428 So sorry. I think some of us just have alot of love and compassion for our family. They mean everything to us. That is not always mutual and it hurts. 🥺
Yes! I used to be mad and hurt that my dad wouldn't come see me and my sons (his only grandchildren), but when he rarely did come visit, I was anxious and didn't want him there.
I went no contact without being conscious of doing so. When my mother called, asked, “why don’t you call anymore?” My answer was: “I’m apathetic.” Her typical response was: “whaaat?! My typical response was: “Oh, nothing.” Mostly in and out of therapy all my adult life. They’re dead now, which is relief for me; however, I have siblings whom I’m also NC. My parents made sure we were pitted against one another. Life is hard enough without fake love of supposed family members. I have no regret, just wished I had been stronger earlier and cut them off thirty years sooner. Peace ✌🏽
I am 64 and have had to estranged from my entire family. It’s been about six months. It has to stay this way. I’ve moved into the grief now of just not having a family. Which is different than missing that Family. Because I definitely do not miss that Family and I know that what I’m doing is right for me.
I am right there with you. 😢it’s not what anyone at this age wishes their lives to be. I hope and pray that your strength helps you through this difficult time 🙏🏻😢
I feel exactly the same way. When the holidays come, and I have 2 children that don’t have aunts or uncles, and the emotions of lack of family hit - it sucks. I’m sorry for them. I was there for my nieces their whole life in every way and now that it’s my turn - they are just too screwed up and trying to gaslight now that they don’t need me for money or favors.
@@iloveFiona420 I'm sure I am in the same boat as you. Family? Create a new definition of family for yourself. God provided new family for me along my journey. Embrace new acquaintances. God's love will provide you with new family.
People who cannot take accountability will never ever ever give you any kind of validation. Letting go is the hardest part. You have to give up all hope that they will recognize the good in you or acknowledge how hurtful their behavior was. - They do see it, that’s why they treat you so bad. It triggers some unconscious shame in them.
Our daughter, one year out of college, met someone. She totally cut off family for nearly three years due to manipulation from her partner. I was (inwardly) angry that she essentially cut off her mom and siblings. Nearly three years later her relationship blew up and she was in an exceptionally fragile mental health place. We were there to catch her fall. A few weeks later she wrote each of us amazing letters stating “I never thought you would be there for me after how I behaved. Thank you. I love you.” I tell everyone who has kids…”Never say words that you can’t take back. Never burn a bridge.” Along the way we had deep sadness mourning the loss of our daughter. Ironically, she said she didn’t cut family off because of anything we did but that she just needed to find herself. In the end, she wasted three years of her life for a toxic relationship and she lost confidence in her ability to evaluate a dating relationship. She has been fully back in our lives for 25 months. 😀
My husband's family did this when we went no contact. They wouldn't listen to what he had to say, denied everything and got angry. That was 7 years ago and since then - nothing. For 62 years their son was loyal and didn't challenge them. Their silence proves there was no meaningful connection with him and his sister says they never mention him. Wow.
For me, my realization was that I truly loved my Mom and sister. I held them in high regard. After repeatedly being made scapegoat or any of the other toxic mess, the pain is so intense!. To estrange with no reaction is brutal because what it shows is the complete lack of empathy and real love being shown or convey to me. It doesn’t exist for me. I am devastated. The pain is overwhelming, the hurt, caused love my mother and I love my sister, and I have always prayed for them and pray for the best for them despite everything. Not that I will continue to be a doormat, because I do not. But it doesn’t take the the pain of knowing that my support, my love, and my place in the family means very little if anything x,and on top of that, is not reciprocated.
I've been estranged from my father almost my whole life. As a young child, I saw my father throw my mother into a wall and a few weeks later he abandoned me at a hospital and disappeared for over 12 hours. I needed emergency surgery and *he* couldn't handle it so he left me there to deal with it on my own. My mother couldn't get to the out of town hospital in time to sign the paperwork so the hospital called children's services to get an emergency order. I finally saw my mother hours after the surgery. Even as a child I knew there was no point in expecting anything from him after that.
When I told my mother that I was going into therapy, she was really annoyed, accusing me of sharing the family’s “dirty laundry” with a perfect stranger. I replied that I needed to tell my story to someone, but she didn’t get it. One year, my sister “forgot” my birthday: the irony here is that she is my twin sister!!! Knife to my heart, yet nothing was said to her.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I understand as I am the only one in the extended family who has taken on an active approach to healing. AKA, therapy. It's very threatening to those in denial or hiding their (obvious) secrets. Therapy is a great was to shift your relationships. The debris falls through, leaving the gems right on top...along with a few well-meaning nuts. 😎
As an adult dont expect gifts from family. And sibling did that bc they were to cheap and lazy. Thats all. And now you know never get her a gift ever again. She only thinks about her
Hello there from Italy! I'm 57, I live in this house since 2009 and my siblings never came to pay a visit, they "have their own lives/kids/jobs and are way too busy"...according to their thoughts I'm the wrong one, they don't like the way I live, my interests my husband- whatever. I gave up trying to understand them several years ago, but I still have a bitter taste in my mouth.
We cut them off to save ourself and then have to navigate that pain. Do you ever wonder what life would be like for yourself if you were born to normal adjusted parents.
Nah, I don't spend much time anymore on "what if's" wishful thinking. Sure, it would have been better having more normal parents and they wouldn't have held me back or damaged so much, but their mental sickness prevented it.
I think about it a lot. The ease of people who are supported, the better sleep and low anxiety they enjoy, the ability for them to open up and trust, to love.
Many years ago, after in depth soul searching, I decided to confront my mother about her treatment of me and my half brother. It was despicable resulting in my half brother being removed from our home permanently. I was ready to work through our issues, forgive and move forward. Her reaction was to disown me 😮 That moment it felt if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I thanked her, said goodbye, changed my telephone number, and didn't speak to her again. A few years later, she wrote me a letter saying that she had forgiven me 🤬 WTF. She never accepted any responsibility or even acknowledged the damage she had/has caused. The silence was the best gift she ever gave me.
In my experience & from talking to others who've done it, emotionally abusive parents aren't ever going to acknowledge your need to step back or the reasons why. They lack the self awareness, empathy & accountability. The usual reaction is outright denial, tantrums, accusations, sending in a relative as their 'flying monkey' or radio silence.
Wow, so much going on in these situations. Thank you so much Chess for pushing through your raw hurt and continuing to share, it's a very brave thing to do. We know that people can only meet us from where they are at, and it's a very sad truth that when people are upholding toxic behaviours within themselves and their own relationships, any questioning of that or pushback will only be met with denial in the form of further abandonment. When the challenge comes from a child of those people, this increased abandonment goes against everything a child can expect from their primary caregivers. What a blessing to have these channels where people going through the same experience can find each other. My heart really goes out to you and everyone experiencing this pain. Please love the inner child in you and comfort her, no one deserves this. I pray that all who need this channel will find it. Sx
I think our estrangement is mutual. She always hated me so I'm sure it was a relief for me to just go away and leave her alone. Story of my life. Any time I'd call her in the past, she'd immediately tell me her phone was going to die so she could just hang up at any time.
My mom has done so much damage to me. And recently i realized it didnt stop in my youth. In my 30s i finally got pregnant with my daughter. I lived 5 hours away. I said to my mom that i was not going to travel back home after 6 month mark. She cussed me out and made it all about herself. Tore me down for setting a boundary on traveling there to my baby shower. Well she threw me one. I went home for a weekend. She left with her boyfriend when i showed up so she could get supplies. So no one prepped anything for my arrival. So i was left waiting at an empty house with no one to talk to. They come home hours later after stopping for drinks. And then start making out hard core on the couch next to me. Luckily my husband showed up and they stopped. Its one of my worst memories! We struggled to get pregnant and my first ended in miscarriage. Plus i wasnt asking for alot. We always came home for bbq and family. So why was it a big deal when i want a baby shower. Im in my fortys now and realize i really dont like her but for so many years i tried to be her friend and be relevant. I could go on and on!!
Bit different but similar. Parents dead for decades. Remaining siblings & cousins just stomped all over my boundaries for several years. After literally begging them to stop I ended up deleting most from social media & having to block 2 (1 on my phone as I wasn’t being allowed sleep). Those I didn’t delete have become very distant. So I recognize the emotions you speak of. As bad as they feel it is still preferable to the torment I was being put through. Hugs to anyone going through this.
I had a wonderful childhood And my parents unfortunately are both dead. My dad's 2 sisters, After my grandmother died 1 of my aunts was the executor of the will. My brother and I were both beneficiaries we never got any settlement Or even if the will was probated. It was in the pandemic My brother thought he was going to lose his house. Even though we talked She never sent anything. There was no money for say but there she never sent anything. . Lots of emails and texts Nothing Was ever settled. We actually tried to have a visit And we ended up Leaving at 8:00 PM After my Uncle Drunken uncle A meltdown We drove14 hours to leave. I've never felt so attacked In my life thank goodness my husband was there! My aunt Tried to apologize 2 months later And again at thanksgiving My card-I just threw it away and will never talk to them ever again. I don't think I would ever think that my family would have been acting this way I just don't even know. V
My dad's siblings Are the same way - My family comes from a huge amount of passive aggressiveness! I had wonderful parents And a great childhood. After my grandmother died Everything got Weird. I live14 hours away which helps But after the boundaries Broken. An unsuccessful visit That my husband and I had to leave in the evening Going back going back home. We come from a really small family But we don't need to put up with The ugliness and nastyness That they were trying to portray as our family. My aunt is giving us a couple of apologies but they're not apologies- Felt like we were uncomfortable with situation😬😬😬😬 We will never speak to them again. It is really draining for My brother's family and mine. Good luck to all
Because in our hearts we always have a small light of hope that our family loves us and wants to be with us. We always hold out hope for change even through the pain and determination to create distance.
As humans, we grieve what never came to be, as in parents being able to love and respect us as we become adults. There are other hopes and dreams that never develop. Being criticized, abused and ultimately unloved by the people who brought us into the world may be the most complicated grief of all.
Hello 👋 Im almost sixty. They all live around the corner. I haven't seen my mum and sisters, apart from the one who ignored me in the street for a year. They scapegoat me when I put up boundaries. I always go back to them, but I haven't this time. It's really difficult.
It’s so hard not to go back. I used to think “maybe if I do even more of the emotional labor and I make myself extremely agreeable and and and, then maybe they will want me.” It was never enough. You’re so brave to not go back and take it anymore.
It's hard to live among the people you have cut off. It's like living in a war zone, with ruins to look at. I would like to move, see things not associated with people and events from a hurtful time.
I just turned 60 last Sunday and have been estranged from my family for several years. It is very difficult for sure. You have to decide whether you want to hurt from their treatment of you that will never change, or just grieve the loss of your biological family and be proud that you would not put up with their treatment of you anymore. Hope that helps.
If I cut someone off, and they no longer respond, they are at least honoring my decision this time compared past behavior. I would personally give them credit. I do understand that other people cut off parents or family really as a cry for help and want a compassionate response or something similar in return. That is just keeping more false hope going. The other people do not think or act that way. If they were compassionate you would likely have never cut them off in the first place. I would say take the time to work on you and find other ways to deal with your needs not being met.
Omg, if the parent was thoughtful and healthy enough to acknowledge your pain, hear it and quietly take that you can’t be around them--you wouldn’t need to cut off from them! That’s like asking a rattlesnake not to have venom.
Silence can be taken as a sign you really aren't valued and loved. You learn that not everyone is capable. It's heartbreaking. Grieve the end of the relationship, but don't end the silence. Ever. Eventually someone will ask about you, and they'll have to face the loss themselves.
My mother told me "I shouldn't feel that way" when I expressed anger about my husband leaving me and our son. I could not believe it, I did get angry and say "these are my feelings", then walked out of the room. The one thing I learned from growing up with emotionally unavailable parents was to make sure my son felt comfortable talking to me about anything, especially problems he was having, and not negating his feelings.
Thank you, Chess. You've helped me to find words around a concept i haven't been able to. I also now understand better how to attempt reconnecting with my daughters. It's nearly a decade since I got on a plane to flee, and I've only heard from a few intending to gather data to report back and one demand I return to plan a family funeral. It's painful still some days. Most of my grieving now is for the lost connections with my adult daughters. My hope is that they are also away from the chaos and living their very best lives. It's been 5 years since I last reached out and my plan is to do so a bit after the 10th anniversary because I am haunted by having meant nothing to my mother. These women deserve better, and I am capable and willing to meet them in healing if they are so inclined. If space is what helps them most, I will bear that, grateful they know I care enough to try, and I'm available if they ever change their mind. Again, thank you, this has helped my heart a bit.
The silence is shocking. In a way it's another gut punch. For years I was the one running after the contact especially since we live overseas, for the kids mainly. I weathered the emotional abuse until one day a really good friend said, ' stop'. I was met with the silence, realised that when I didn't keep open the lines of communication there was none. It was a revelation. Am quite happy to let them enjoy their remaining years with the uncaring, self centered golden child who does absolutely nothing for them.
Yes, wow. I have such a deep well of pain over this. The absolute radio silence from the entire family has been shocking and devastating. The last thing I said was that I wasn’t “speaking like a therapist”, I was just being careful in a high stakes conversation. There was never a response to my “I’m being careful”, not from anyone in my family. That was a couple of years ago. It’s agony even though they are awful to me. I wish I could stop loving them, but since I can’t make myself do that, I grieve them in therapy. How messed up is it to grieve the family that treated me like I was the cause of all suffering everywhere? I’ll never forget the last time I saw my sister, on our family trip, she said “you’re 40 something years old and you’re still in trouble with mom. You’re always going to be in trouble with mom.” And she was right.
I will tell u a quick story, my boyfriend died, and I went to hospital because I mourned him so much, when I got out of hospital, I found out he cheated , the mourning stopped that second. The point to my story is, your family treated u bad, if u set ur mind to, I will never give the people that hurt u another minute of ur head space it will help, u don't deserve to be treated this way. I hope u find peace, because I did....
@jndenton1 I had no therapy and 3 days in hospital because of the pain, but the pain stopped as soon as I found out a few days out of the hospital. It was like a kind of miracle, I have never looked back because no one should do that to anybody, even what narcissistic parents do, I'm not looking back, and I left them 2 weeks ago
This is an interesting perspective. First of all I’m 60 yrs old & I have experienced both sides of the coin here. When I was younger I chose to not have a relationship with my abusive father as an adult. When his health deteriorated (dementia,diabetes, blindness) it was me out of all the siblings who cared for him. I say unfortunately cuz it was difficult but maybe fortunately cuz I was able to forgive him. Now with my daughter we haven’t spoke in 2 yrs & I do miss her very much. Although I do not miss being the emotional punching bag or therapist for constant drama caused by decisions she’s made in her life. I’ve had to set boundaries for myself for acceptable treatment for ME… for my peace. I have been on a beautiful spiritual journey for the past 10 yrs which has allowed me to understand the only person you have control over is yourself.. let go of the rest. My door is always open for my daughter & will always be but I will not be anyone’s doormat anymore.❤
I totally understand. Both of my adult children have decided not to talk to me because I refused to be involved in their never ending dramas and manipulative behaviour that has gone on their whole lives since they were kids and I was a single mom. Found out, through my brother's FB page that my daughter had a baby with someone she is engaged to. My entire family will all spend Christmas together and carry on as they have for the past 4 years or so. Also my father died last year and I found out only because my daughter sent me a message on my husband's instagram to say that I "didn't deserve to know". I hadn't heard from her in 7 years by that point. Life is hard.
My daughter cut me off without any explanation two years ago, the day after Thanksgiving. She would not talk to me or respond to messages. She has 3 teenage children that I have also had zero contact with. We live 15 minutes apart, but I have left her alone because that is clearly what she wants. The exception is that I sent her flowers on both of her birthdays and wrote "Happy Birthday, I Love You" on the card. Did I cross a boundary? Maybe, but I had to let my sweet daughter know I haven't forgotten about her, and that I still love her dearly. If she contacted me tomorrow, I would be overjoyed. I want so much for us to talk openly and see how I can help rebuild our relationship and what amends I can make to restore our family. These past 2 years have been the most difficult of my life - the loss has been emotionally and physically devastating. I don't pretend to be a perfect person or parent, but I truly am at a loss as to why she cut me off without explanation. It feels unduly cruel, and I am losing hope that I will ever see or talk to her again. -Just the perspective of a discarded parent who doesn't see herself as awful, narcissistic, or deserving of being canceled.
Anni, I'm going through this and I understand the grief and loss. My oldest daughter and I were initially estranged for 3 years. We then reconnected for several years. We spent time together weekly and she called several times a week, sometimes for one or two hour conversations. She struggles with anger, ADD and PTSD (from experiences she never told me about but hinted at much later.) My husband and I made a big move last year, which I think was stressful for her, and she has again gone NC, not just with me but now with her dad and sister. It's been 7 months and I haven't reached out. She doesn't want to hear from me and I need to respect that. It doesn't mean that I don't deeply love and miss her. I hope she is well and happy, as you wish for your daughter also. But mother to mother, people not in this situation do not comprehend the depth of grief, shame and loss that goes with estrangement from a child, but please know I understand and my heart goes out to you. (There is a great online support group called estrangedstories, they were lifesavers for me. Josh Coleman offers kind and helpful information too.) And I am talking to a therapist, which helps (if you find the right one.) I am working on acceptance and letting go- otherwise this situation can overwhelm you, as you are deeply aware. Peace to you.
Maybe you should just write her a heartfelt letter asking for an explanation and this way you’re not confronting her directly by calling. Just be prepared she may not respond. Unfortunately some people get around narcissist in their life who control them and change them until one day they wake up.But it could be something you have no idea about so maybe in writing would work.
In my situation, as the parent, communication from me is not accepted. I have been doing the hard work, facing issues with various types of therapy and being open about my serious mistakes and failings. However if I reach out when it’s been communicated that that’s not acceptable, I am violating boundaries. It’s an untenable space because there is no awareness on the AC’s part about potential for change in the dynamic - she doesn’t want it, even though it may bring her information that supports her own wellness and healing.
Same thing happened in our family....over 10 years ago. We've had the best 10 PLUS years ever. No drama. Just peace. It's beautiful. No turning back for us. Life is great! I wish you the same closure. It takes time. When you forgive...you can finally let it go. Then they have nothing on you. Move on....don't look back. Get stronger. And start talking about other things. Maybe that's your path....all along.
6:20 Let's be honest, If said person was able to apologize or show empathy there never would have been an estrangement. It's difficult but that pain is needed to cut the cord and end the and begin healing. Thank you!
I cut off my dad in 2000 because he remarried with a gang of bullies who ganged up on me and made any further relationship impossible. Dad encouraged the mobbing. Then after I cut off, Dad blamed me for the implosion of his relationship with these toxic people. My grandmother, his mother died in the middle of their problems. I wasn't there. So dad blamed me for that. He could not bring himself to compromise with me in any way. It was hate hate hate, and then after more problems, total and absolute hate. Nuclear hatred. There was no possible way for me to reconcile. Because I was the "cause" of all the rage. Fine. He died alone. Too bad. Moral of the story is don't freaking gang up and mob on people. Especially your family.
Absolutely agree, you have no idea how much it means to me, to hear this from someone else, and to know that other people in the world resonate with my on experience. I may not have love, and respect from my biological family of origin, but I know there are other persons in the world that are able to actually "feel" and empathize. Thank you, thank you
Lass dich durch deine Gefühle nicht verunsichern, die gehören dazu und sind völlig normal. Du hast die richtige Entscheidung getroffen!!! Glaube mir, es wird leichter und dir wird es in ein paar Monaten viel besser gehen als je zuvor! Alles Gute für dich ❤
My parents were narcissists with probable autistic undertones as they seemed unable to feel real love or compassion towards each other or family. Things got worse when my mother acquired a traumatic brain injury in her 30's which took away her ability to control the worst of her personality. She became verbally and emotionally abusive to all in the family but i received the worst of it. I am now 62 years old and have a deep faith and loving friends and supportive husband. I am establishing a normal relationship with my remaining family as they were brainwashed by my parents to also treat me as the 'scapegoat'! There is at last peace in my heart and the hurt is subsiding. My advice to any experiencing similar is, cherish your 'normal' family and friends and see the past as something that was not your fault. You just happened to be born into an abnormal family dynamic. Finally, absolutely refuse to carry any misplaced guilt...All the best! ❤️
If you are at the point where you need to cut off your parents, you know why. You shouldn’t expect concern or positive response from them or you wouldn’t be cutting from them to begin with. Of course they don’t get it because they consider it your problem. That’s why they are the narcissists. You do it for your mental health because they are not going to change to appease you. I cut from a brother a few years ago and do not care if he responded, I didn’t expect him to. I feel great.
Perfect timing. Last week I went to instagram to see the first post was my only niece's wedding photos that I wasn't invited to. She was the last person i was still speaking to. But seeing those photos made me realize even she had no thought to warn me or even invite me although knowing i probably would not go...But it would have been nice to get an invite or be told when the wedding was....it was just a shock i guess to see that everyone has moved on after 7 years no contact with my sister who was a horrible bully to me who has my mother thinking I'm the bad one..everyone has sided with her. My mother especially since she feels my sister has the money, husband and all the security she can offer her and I'm the struggling single one. My mother also never protected me or stood up for me when i was being mistreated or abused..Was a single parent married a narcissist due to the bad treatment from family..never was treated the same. Most sensitive..bla bla...knowing i cannot let myself keep getting hurt by the dysfunction but still feel th epain of not being invited...odd and i was really questioning everything...so thank you for this
Yep. Found out on Facebook that I had another grandniece, a daughter of my worst abuser, and when I offered congratulations they unfriended me. 🤷 They're all adults enmeshed in generational brainwashing. My hope is someday they will figure things out, but I'm not holding my breath.
You're not alone! My older brother was my mom's favorite. And yes he bullied me our entire childhood and she took his side. She would never protect me.
Hi Donna. The same for me. I was a single parent of 2 after my marriage to the king of narcissists. My parents and brothers always let my children treat me like crap and looked at me as the pathetic one. Finally met a wonderful man and they all started treating me even worse. My husband supported me when I said I needed to distance myself from everyone because it was making me sick. No one ever tried to reach out to me in 4 years and found out that my dad died last year and my daughter had a baby last January. Just can't believe this is happening and they all just carried on. Christmas will be hard as it always is.
Stop expecting anything from them and you won’t be disappointed. I had to learn that from my mom. They will never change. You will never have the relationship you desire. Grieve it and move on. It sucks. It’s not supposed to be like this but for many of us, it is. But I most say if any person I loved told me they needed space from me with no explanation of what caused it or how to fix it, I would never speak to them again.
@@rikkirobinson4429well said. Relationships are very complex, and so are people and personalities. I've been hurt my whole life by various familial relationships . I personally think it's just life , but now days we have a fancy box we call narcissism and tend to put everyone in that box, perhaps forgetting our own role and actions that may contribute to the conflict. Aside from stories of real abuse , I believe those parents who eventually honor a kid who says no contact have themselves reached the conclusion there's nothing they can do and may also be unable to navigate the head games, so they just honor the request. But in their hearts they are in real pain and also grieving. It's unfortunate really. We all just want peace and happy families but sometimes it just dissipates on its own.
My dad was an abusive narcissist. I cut him off for 4 years, but my family piled on the guilt until I gave in and started talking to him again. I wish I had stayed strong against them.
Sorry to hear that. I find the same, the instant you open yourself up again, it’s more of the same because it’s very unlikely the narcissist has changed. The moment I let up on the grey-rock politeness and try to make a connection, the narcissists in my family make me abundantly regret my momentary slip. Hope you find a way to inner peace that works for you. Take care.🪷
I just found you! Thank you God. I am a retired paramedic with 30 years all on the road with a very busy and extremely understaffed. My family has no idea the PTSD in my head from what I have done, not to mention the things I have seen and said. They do not understand how overwhelming being around people and why I keep to myself and a homebody. They do not understand what it's like when your emotions suffocate you.
I’m not 100% no contact yet but almost there. I still text my dad to wish him a Merry Christmas. He has a new family now and only ever contacts me when he needs something (money). As for my mom, I also only see her a couple of times a year. She’s toxic and draining. My sister calls her the dementor (like Harry Potter). She sucks the life out of you. Some of the things she has done and said are just unbelievable. And I’m much happier distancing myself from both of them.
I have cut off my parents in the past but it’s mainly my mom that I don’t want contact with. In order to have my dad, whom I admired and looked up too, in my life I would have to apologize to my mom for going no contact. I had to just keep my mouth shut, ignore the put downs, the tantrums and walk on eggshells with everyone else around her. My mother literally took my daughter away from me! I did not drink, do drugs, leave my child with strangers, nothing but my mom felt that I being a single mom at 21 could not raise my daughter the way she felt was right! I had gone to college, had a career and was working and doing life as a responsible single woman. It’s when I started dating that my mom felt I was being irresponsible. Like I should not put my own happiness in the equation at all! She found a lawyer and a judge that listened to her and made me look like a horrible person and that my mom was the only person capable of raising my daughter. I fought so hard for many years to get my daughter back but finally I could see the hurt in my child’s eyes so I quit fighting 😢 I let her win! I was and continue to be that “brat” child, as she use to call me, and I will never be good enough. She would punish me, as a child, by ignoring me for days or weeks. She would set the table and not set a plate for me. She would not talk to me nothing! This is how my mother treated me all my life! Or she would acknowledge me and tell me what an ungrateful brat I was! She had a nervous breakdown and when we all went to see her in the hospital she told me “Don’t you ever do this again to me” this is your fault! So now at the age of 63, my dad has been gone for 3 years now, she was being her rude, hateful self and I said to myself “I’m done” I don’t deserve to be treated this way! So I sent her a text, it wasn’t mean or yelling, I just told her how I felt about the way she addresses me, the way she looks at me and the way I feel like I annoy her. I went no contact and told her that. She has ghosted me and the only thing anyone has said was that I told her I no longer wanted contact so why should she try and reach out! The only thing she got out of that text was the no contact! So basically I am dead to her! I will be ok! I have a lot of trauma to work thru but one thing she taught me that was positive (in a screwed up way) you don’t give up, smile, and keep going on with your life! There were more things to that but I don’t want to go there as it’s pretty messed up. Thanks for listening 🙏🏻
I finding on this channel there a lot of us who are around 60 when realize we are worth more than that. My mother always ghosted me throughout my childhood when she was angry with me or just in a bad mood (which was a lot of times). When I told my dad that I needed some time, they both stopped talking to me. They always had a way of making me feel like they didn't like me. My brothers were the golden boys. My kids had already stopped talking to me because I wouldn't put up with their constant drama and now they all spend the holidays together and carry on. We all need to vent about it. It's hard.
8 years no contact. Then visit with dying mum. She yelled at me and told me I was a disappointment. I continued my visit a few days longer. She asked me when I was leaving. She decided not to speak to me during my visit, she ghosted me. I gave her a hug and kissed her goodbye. We never really knew each other. But what a terrible last memory for me to live with before her death. But I praise myself for taking the high road. She took the low road, the cruelty she foisted upon me before her death. The demonic spirit that resided inside this woman also died.
I learned as a toddler that I couldn't trust my parents to love me and understand my wants and needs. I wondered why I couldn't ever quite feel the warmth and love towards my parents that other kids seemed to. Then, one day several years ago when I was in my late 60s my mother told me how I used to sleep in their bed until I was almost 3. Then they decided to wean me so they put me in my own bed and let me cry myself to sleep, all alone. After the third night I stopped. When she told me that it was the A-HA moment of a memory long forgotten and I suddenly realized why, all of my life, I couldn't trust them or anyone to love me.
When I woke up to the reality I am the scapegoat...I no longer cared how they saw me reality says their the toxic ones not me, CLEARLY! So why would I care?
Thanks for sharing your story, same for those in the comments section. Sometimes a person just needs to walk away/move away, nothing wrong with that. We all only have one life, and it’s our own individual choices to make our world our own, without toxic people in it. Move on, don’t let them occupy any space in your mind, if you do they win. Live/enjoy your life, they can do the same.
Can confirm, for a while, nearly 3 years, i expected my mum to reach out and i had planned what i wanted to say as she has done this before. She never reached out. The reality is i still mourn a mum that i never had, but i dont miss my actual mum. Her silence is a response to me speaking up and literally saying, what you did hurt me. Its so cruel, just work on yourself, journal and move forward, life is precious, dont waste it.❤
Love your channel. Narcs use silence to mess with your head. They take and are exhausting. I enjoy listening to you because many counselors don’t truly understand this pain and crazy making behavior. I have walked your walk and I think we want to fix it so much just to feel normal. But, you are the socially accepted normal, caring person. But they are not! ❤❤❤
For decades I have been the one trying to patch up family trauma. I just don't want to do it anymore. Not sure how things will end but feeling more at peace with less contact 😢
When I left 4 years ago Nobody called or asked why, or cared. Also, they became aware, that I was now aware and could not face me Cowards, bullies, and liars Wouldn’t believe a word that would come out of their mouths anymore anyway. They know who and what they are/have become
I can't believe that my brother and sister cut me off. They experienced many of the same things I did, but the magnetic pull of my narcissistic mother is too strong. So sad.
Hi Chess, Ty for this vid. I had no idea that this is a phenomenon so TY for opening my eyes. I have liked and subbed and rang that bell as I would like to continue to hear how your story unfolds. I hope that doesn't feel intusive. Best Wishes to you and yours, Mick
I really look forward to your videos and am happy to have found them. I do wish you all the best. I am sure your videos are helping many people understand what being "the scapegoat" is all about . Thank you sharing your struggles. ❤
It’s amazing to me how many people have experience a completely screwed up nasty lack of empathy, family, members, and gaslighting. I’ll be honest with you. It gives me some comfort because it’s a really lonely feeling sometimes even though you know it’s for the best. Even though I’ve dealt with the worst of the grief and it’s been six years now - the grief still comes sometimes.
I wish it were true that children only cut off for valid reasons because I would be able to apologize and beg forgiveness. Instead, I begged my son to tell me why he won’t respond to texts, why he always has an excuse to not see us or come to family get-togethers. Instead I got cut off. We are a loving family and he hates us.
You may not be a narcissist but are in contact with the one your son has gone no contact with. Unfortunately, when the last resort for the person being abused is going no contact, there will be 'collateral damage'. Others who are involved with the narcissist are no longer 'safe' and must be avoided in order to heal.
So when I first cut my family off (2 siblings and my mother) after my father passed, my mother kept contacting me through b'day and Xmas cards. She'd write little notes in the cards and some of what she'd write was manipulative type stuff, including guilt trips. After one b'day card I decided to attempt contact again, wanting to explain the betrayal I felt from the family mobbing during my father's terminal illness. It was so obvious in her notes in those cards that she didn't get it and it was really bothering me. Now in hindsight, I wished I'd just let it go. But I really did want to repair at least the relationship with my mother. She is the most reasonable of the 3 of my family members. My siblings, not so much. Very judgmental. Double standards are 'law' when it comes to their scapegoat (me.) Well I spent a lot of time on the phone with my mother that day, explaining. Ugh! I told her the same shit twice and at one point, it seemed and I repeat SEEMED that she understood and said that she was sorry. She put some effort into her tone of voice and it sounded sincere. But there was still a sense of dissatisfaction. After all, she'd taken sides and joined my siblings in their bullying. It's not like an apology is a magical thing and makes everything okay after such a betrayal. So it's not like my trust in her magically returned. I mean, even for lesser offenses, an apology needs time to be proven/reinforced. But when it's a hardcore betrayal like family mobbing, yeah, that's gonna take even more effort on the part of the offender. In addition, I told her that this isn't a type of thing that's a once and done. I may need to talk through more stuff pertaining to that period of time when it comes up. It was a preemptive strike on my part because whenever I've brought something up more than once that I was still struggling with, everyone in my family would be like, "We already discussed this, it's over, it's in the past, let it go, drop it. Stop being so sensitive. Move on." And my feelings about it didn't matter. So I wanted to let her know that this repair would be WORK. Not just return to status quo. I also told her I won't need to talk about it EVERY time we talk. Sometimes I like to "keep things light" too. I just needed to trust that she'll be receptive instead of feeling anxious about her reaction of eyerolls and rejection. She agreed and even repeated that she knew in order to repair our relationship I may need to discuss things further. That other thins may come up that didn't in the last convo, etc. Toward the end of the convo, she was talking about coming to our home state for a visit. She had moved south after retirement and she suggested us going to lunch. While on the phone I said okay. I was feeling a little relieved. I was feeling like she'd finally understood what I was no contact for. But then we said our goodbyes and got off the phone. Not two minutes later, I felt unsettled and anxious about meeting her for lunch and leaving it hanging there without letting her know. It was a moment later, I realized how I felt she viewed me, thinking back to the scapegoating, mobbing and other manipulations. I felt insignificant. I felt that I was insignificant to her. I emailed her and wrote that. After all, before we'd hung up, she'd led me to believe that she was open to more conversation and the emotions I was struggling with. Her response was dismissive about how I felt and she basically told me that maybe it would be better to close her out and keep working through my stuff on my own.
i don't understand how you would expect something from your parents that they really aren't capable of giving. I learned that lesson a long time ago, I don't expect anything from my mother, so therefore I am not disappointed.
Because deep down you hope they'll call you, apologize, and want to be in a relationship with you. It's the final confirmation that you don't matter to them. Then the grief comes. It takes a bit to let it go and live fully without them. Of course, everyone moves at their own pace moving forward.
Thank you, I just subscribed. The hurt is due to the response of my mother just accepting it without offering to try to do anything differently (not that I think she is capable of this). The fact that they do not even try to fight for the relationship with you. How sad. I could never imagine doing this to my son.
As a parent who has been cut off, I tried to reach out to repair the relationship and admitted to what I had done but received silence. Almost 6 years on I just pray for reconciliation.
My daughter didn’t speak to me for a little over a month, which in the scheme of things is a very short time, but it was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. I’m always afraid now that I’ll make her angry again and she’ll walk away once more and that’s made it difficult for me to relax around her. I know she had some stress going on, but there was no excuse for what she put her father and me through.
My parents did not create a safe and loving environment for their children. They did not connect with their children in a way that was healthy, supportive, respectful and caring. Wanting to restructure a relationship dynamic with a clueless parent is counterproductive, frustrating and very disappointing. Estrangement has helped me a lot.
Very conflicting. If an adult child makes the decision to leave, with no explanation, telling parents to not contact them, as a parent, they will respect that. Adult children need to be accountable for their choices, and if we are to understand, a child can't simply say "do not contact me" then be upset they don't contact you. A child who grew up in a stable home, goes into the world, then comes back and decides their parents did everything wrong, is a bit painful for the parent as well. Yet, when you make that decision, as an adult, and the parents are in their 60's, they simply do not have time to filter out where they went wrong. And if they are unable to be the adult they claim to be, to have a heart to heart with transparency, parents will not be able to figure out how to make them happy. It is a new era
When at first I wallowed in self pity after cutting off contact (after years of trying to heal the family "ya ya"), I would say to myself, well you jumped into that uterus, so take some self responsibility! That would make me laugh and I would raise my energy through humour, which helped a lot. Also having a spiritual perspective is very helpful. The Buddhist concept of "non-attachment|" helps, similar to the Christian "be in this world but not of it". I learned to discern within myself when it was my ego wanting a sop for the childhood wounding that I still has to heal within myself/self pity and my soul connecting to God or a higher source, whatever you call it that is real and now through this journey I could glimpse it and feel it. No one can do this internal work for oneself. Then I could see the blessing that as a soul, being in that family taught me to heal and become more resilient in my own self concepts. Self love allows one to see that one cannot be passive to abuse in any form. I also found that just because I decided to go for emotional and spiritual development rather than drinking or drugging or rolling around in the proverbial mud with my family of (symbolic) pigs, that they were not ready for that amount of work. My family's pace and timing for their own self healing was in God's hands, not my puny ego's opinion. I also study the ACIM, A Course in Miracles, which really is great for learning to get oneself out of the concept of "special relationships". I found in my own life I was developing the skills to discern which relationships to keep out of, that I would have unconsciously got into to "recreate" a familiar family dynamic that was the same as my family syndrome. I went back to the USA a number of times (I live in the UK) to see how things were before realizing I had to move on as wasting my life on something I could not fix was not self love. The first visit was the most eye opening. I was jet lagged having just arrived at my parent's retirement house in Florida. My younger sister was visiting from up north. (The deal with my two sisters and one brother is an even wilder story but no space here to write about it). I was astounded to find that it was like being in a 1974 time warp! Everything and I mean everything in the family dynamics was just as it was when I left in 1974, when I had left to get married and move to the UK. I could palpably see and feel on an energetic level the mind stream and almost twilight zone effect of their sleeping dream. My dream had changed. We in the West are not taught unless you really search out many different spiritual teachings, that life on planet earth is just a dream, changing in vibration as oneself changes. I had a LONG conversation with my mother about all the above taking her through the changes I had gone through so she could understand about the differences in my reality then and how she could do the same. She was a Pisces, so she did unconsciously open into the present dynamic with me and did understand, I could see it in her. So that night I went to bed HAPPY that for the first time ever, experiencing that I had a deeper real loving connection with her. Oh Boy did I get a shock when the next morning it was if a portcullis had slammed down between us and she was right where she had been before our conversation. Only from then on for me, being with such vibe people was so wearing on me energetically I had to move out into a rented small apartment near by. I realized, saw and felt the difference of when I had lived in that family vibe to where I was now, and that me expecting them to change was really in fact cruel. They had not gone through the changes I had gone through, worked hard to go through, and could not be expected to be any different. From then on for the rest of my holiday with them, it was easier to just kick back and enjoy the soap opera. Years later my sisters stole my part of the inheritance that my parents had left to me. I had talked to my parents saying to leave me less than my younger sister who had cared for them as I was not living near them to help as she had done. But still my sisters and nephew stole everything my parents had left me, and the one memento I had asked for was also denied me. So cutting off from them was unfortunate but had to be done. Following this path has made my internal life much richer. The pains one goes through can be likened to growing pains of one's true self. I hope this helps those on a similar path. I once found a greeting card of a herd of white sheep in the shape of a heart. In the middle of the white heart of sheep was one black sheep!. That card was symbolic of the position and dynamic that the family vs the black sheep of the family. It is not because the herd of sheep do not love you, they cannot love and relate to you. All the nasty stuff going on is just their unhealed stuff being projected, so take those times as entertainment and keep yourself out of that pain game. I liked the symbol of all the sheep being in the shape of a heart, as on some level love is there, one just has to change one's perspective and viewing point to see the humour and leilas (Hindu concept of life lesson, obstacle for one to transform as the timing is right for one to actually do the transformation), life is throwing at one to help one transform oneself. Now life is loving being alone but not lonely! You will soon find those who are your new family, like seeing a few living flames in a room full of people. Love from Pam in London UK.
Our daughter, one year out of college, met someone. She totally cut off family for nearly three years due to manipulation from her partner. I was angry that she essentially cut off her mom and siblings. Nearly three years later her relationship blew up and she was in an exceptionally fragile mental health place. We were there to catch her fall. A few weeks later she wrote each of us amazing letters stating “I never thought you would be there for me after how I behaved. Thank you. I love you.” I tell everyone who has kids…”Never say words that you can’t take back. Never burn a bridge.” Along the way we had deep sadness mourning the loss of our daughter. Ironically, she said she didn’t cut family off because of anything we did but that she just needed to find herself. In the end, she simply wasted three years of her life for a toxic relationship. She has been fully back in our lives for 25 months. 😀
It’s so great to hear from an actual sane mother. Bless you for not abandoning your child who made a bad decision and you had to just let it play out. Hopefully you weren’t gaslighting her and turning family members against her or conditioning people to have a bad opinion of her while she was gone. If you didn’t do any of that - I commend you even more.
I cut off my father FINALLY after many years of heartache. I think your feelings are NORMAL. We must mourn the loss! It is a process. God has wired us to yearn for LOVE, peace, joy in family but so many of us were not born into LOVING families; our families are so flawed that we must protect ourselves and also be patient with ourselves as we mourn the loss and embrace the NEW NORMAL. My father hasn't attempted to contact me or apologize for his bad behavior. I almost pity him.
Ten years no contact with any gamily member...this includes cousins....the smearing and slandering made sure of that...and i never tried to defend myself necause whats the point??? When your Mum confirms 💯 she never gave a s**t....so painful even at 60 years old. Ive not broken the no contact tho.
I have a narcissistic ocd father and an enabler mother. My sister was cruel to me my entire life. She would get her boyfriends and friends to bully me also. She said adulthood it was because she said I was prettier than her. She wasn’t told by our mom she was pretty enough and that was literally her reason for bullying me my entire life. Nothing to do with my personality. I used to hide in my bedroom and I still only feel safe in my room at 36 years old. She would call me the b word in front of my parents and they say nothing to back me up ever. I finally stood up to her a few years ago her narcissistic ex and her ganged up on me and would whisper to eachother about me. She would keep me awake spinning for days. I confronted her and told her what she does stays with me for days and she smirked and said I know. I could never win with her. I sent her the longest text about how mean she’s been and I was done. She of course said I was attacking her. She’s only being nice now to prove she’s not a bad person. She’s a perfectionist. To have someone make you feel like everything is wrong with you and be so passive aggressive that is such a huge trigger for me now. I avoid my father also he used to pop off and be abusive my mom did nothing. Even my cousin last family reunion kicked my dog many times and she was so mad at me for standing up for myself. I have adhd and have always been sensitive and she took advantage of that.
No contact with family is a complicated loss because no matter how toxic things were you can come up with some good memories that you hang onto and wish there could be more like it and there is love there as a child to a parent. But as an adult it is not healthy to continue with the toxicity. Your parents chose to have their children for many reasons and for narcissists they are self serving. With an adult's insight and perspective you choose. Reprocessing your childhood as an adult can be painful and the adult family dynamics that evolved from it can be illuminating as well. Yes there is grief and it is complicated but time and space is healing.
Narcissists use silence as one of the weapons in their arsenal. The caring, empathic target of the silence struggles with the effects because they have been wounded and care so much. It is so difficult and I applaud you for making it through it.
Past is over - already many decades ago - I am finally in peace with my sick, dysfunctional ex-family - may GOD forgive them what they did to themselves and others. You should do same thing if you want to be in piece with life around you and your very soul and heart. Wish you piece of heart and let GOD forgive what you can´t forgive yet. Amen.
This entire thing from her video to the comments is heartbreaking. I am estranged from family too. I often think of what a blessing it could have been if people were healthy.
That awful Diane who let her daughter go received a heart felt letter from her daughter and just messaged back 'received'. now I am thinking how much that must have hurt daughter
That ‘Diane, The Narcissistic Mother’ is SO scary. Her posts are like a train wreck recording of herself (narc mother) portraying herself as a victim, how she uses her flying monkeys and betraying/belittling her daughter’s mental health challenges. And of course, she’s “bewildered” about how this happened because she’s done nothing but loved her daughter - but produced a curated video revealing all the daughter’s private details.
I started watching your channel a few days ago. I am one of the parents that is estranged from her daughter. It has been almost six years. We have seen each other once about two years ago and we’re told she didn’t know when or if she wanted to be in our lives again. We reached out again last year and we’re told she was busy. This has been one of the most difficult times of my life and I’m really at a loss at what to do. I know your channel is more about the child’s perspective, but pray you will never be estranged from your children. Just a thought. Not all parents are narcissists. I hope your channel is helpful to other people who have cut off their families.
Hi, sorry you’re hurting. You don’t have to be a narcissist for adult children to estrange themselves. Have they given you reasons that you haven’t properly listened to them? ❤❤❤❤ …it’s hard… it’s very hard.. at least you want to repair things with your daughter. My mother could not careless if I was dead and I was a straight A student, social worker, always trying to connect with her but she just kept stomping on t boundaries and can’t manipulate me anymore so she has smeared me instead and is playing the victim. She enabled my predator father bc she wanted his war pension. I tried for 12 months to communicate but she wouldn’t accept any of my feelings as valid. I will always be that 6 yo child yo her even if I was the prime minister. Love to you ❤
Another parent here. I hope the estranged children don't have the same thing happen to them. Why does it seem like parents are expected to be perfect but the adult child doesn't have to? We are ALL human beings who sometimes make mistakes believe it or not.
I'm a member of both camps. I'm no contact with my mother and my daughter is no contact with me. My daughter was raised by my mother and they, while not best friends, communicate. It's a long complicated story. While I've been in therapy & received addiction treatment for years, they have not. I can't forget my brother, I'm now no contact with him. I've tried talking with them individually and collectively. The consensus is that I'm "too sensitive". I'm 62. My kid is 28, my brother 63 & my mother 83. It's been a long time coming with my mom & brother. I'm shocked by my kid's response. She hasn't even told me why. I finally understand that there is NOTHING that i am, can do or be, to make them love me. I was "all wrong" from the beginning. My use of drugs made things bearable for a time but the drugs stopped working and only added to my torment. My brother & daughter learned how to view me through the behaviors/eyes of my mother. (my dad left the family after being there for 38 years) It's been me trying to win acceptance and approval from everyone. So... I finally tired of being excluded, talked about and shamed. I was in ICU in June and nobody came to visit me. I received a call a piece from my brother and my kid. What an EYE OPENER!!! I🎉 realized that it is now or never. I want to take care of myself to live the best of whatever life is left to me. ❤
@@joann5465 all I have ever wanted is my mother to apologize for the hurt she has caused me! She is not one to apologize for anything! So as a parent myself I have worked hard to make sure my daughters (3 of them) know I love them and if I have hurt them in anyway, I apologize to them! I am making sure I break the cycle that has been happening in the past. I understand my mom’s childhood and I empathize with her! I have tried to understand why she did what she did to me, even as an adult, but I just can’t understand why she refuses to admit her wrongdoing and just apologize. That is all I want but I know I will never receive that and I will be fine! I am still close to my daughters and grandchildren and that is all I need to have a good life. So yes we all make mistakes and nobody is or will be a perfect parent, but we should all be able to try and right the wrong and apologize for whatever we did to cause our children to hurt or feel unloved or unseen.
I grew up w an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive mother (single parent too) after about 3 yrs of on/off therapy, i was educated to all of it. It still depressed me greatly as it reflected how much i had been made to deal with and why i was so insecure etc. I ended up parenting my own mother many times sadly. I DID confront her after i had my 1st child realising just how bad my childhood WAS. Confronting my mom about the physical my mother conveniently didnt remember it, which infuriated me as it made it seem like she was accusing me of lying. So i warned her that unless she could atone or apologize i didnt want her in my childs life.
Yup!! 4 years no contact and let me go so easily. She is too stubborn and my brother golden child is in a mission to bring down everyone that loves me but they won’t 😂
Narcissistic parent-my mother- don't talk the way you describe. I f they did, we could talk, which is all I ever wanted. My mother will rather not see me than talk! I was truthteller too and she get's very aggressive if I want to talk, and tells me that I am psycologically unstable. I really want her out of my life- and my sister too: they love to stick together and blame me. It still hurts that she don't try to get back to me.
5 years sent I cut off my Family. They ignored me during childhood, as an adult I moved away, went back to try to have a good relationship and within a year I had to walk away from them. Moved across an ocean last year, the peace of knowing that they won’t just drop by has been a blessing. However it still haunts me from time to time. I remind myself: Own it. Incorporate it. Accept it.
Very similar to my story. At 45 I moved back with my 5 year old. They took 4 months to see us. (We moved 3000 miles to get back). I have to get my own accommodations when I visit. They spend time with my sister and her child but never me and mine. They send me $ on birthdays and Christmas. That's all I get. Money, not love. I haven't talked to them in 7 months.
You are mourning what you never had, a kind, accepting, and loving family. You are mourning what could have been.
Complete waste of time. that doesn't change anything.
@@littlemissy8356 It isn’t a “waste of time” to honor one’s own history. Of course it changes nothing about the past. It’s to validate what happened and give space to grieve both what we lost and what we never got.
@@dawncheshire-gibson1859 I don't see that at all. Obviously her parents love her.
I went “no-contact” with my family because I wasn’t seen, heard or respected unless I was solving a problem or buying them something they wanted but couldn’t afford (a new furnace for my sister, a car for one of her daughters, a credit card bill paid off for the other one, a huge vet bill for one of their cats). Other than that, I didn’t seem to have any value except at family dinners where my sister and mother would (to my face) make fun of me in front of other family members.
One dinner, my mother announced “… if anyone is going to say or do something wrong, it’ll be you.” And she pointed at me. Of course, everyone but me and my husband laughed. I died inside.
Leaving the family dynamic was my only (last resort) option. My asthma improved immensely, plus it propelled me into therapy for the next 20 years of my life. I’m still grappling with the PTSD from it all and will, likely, do so for the rest of my life.
This is exactly my story thank you for sharing!.
I'm really glad you have this podcast I was looking for something like this because of what I am going through. I was born and raised LDS in Utah. My mom was fanatical LDS she loved her religion more than she loved her own children. It's so good to hear that others are going through what I am. The LDS prophet made it clear that my family and members who were friends should not associate with me and not communicate with me about the history that I have studied, insights that I have learned. I guess now's a really good time to separate our ties. Dr Phil said: your family relationships are only as good as your experience and history with those people. Well I think what he said is true. Makes total sense. Just know you're not alone. Embracing my journey with my husband, my children and my grandchildren and my life.
Be strong! Someday you'll watch videos like this and the only thing on your mind will be " yeah.. I remember this s*it it's in another galaxy now". They don't care.
I’m glad you learned this hard lesson before they took further advantage of you. I know how painful it is when your family sees you as a “cash cow” on one hand then behind your back talk about how materialistic you are. That’s what my family did to me. I could never share career successes because it would cause envy, jealousy and more requests for favors/money. It was also an unspoken rule that my husband and I pick up the check for every dinner out even when they brought their husbands, various boyfriends and plus ones. I am now applying no-contact and though it hurts it’s given me time for pause I realize I can choose my true family. I no longer have interest in being taken for granted then being ridiculed because of jealousy and disrespect. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@@jenniferperry-pk5zt same here! So glad you wrote about what you've been through, it makes me feel less alone.
They go silent because they know that they're not up to the task of doing the work. Acknowledging any wrongdoing would shatter their fragile sense of self.
👏👏🍀🍀
💯
Indeed. THIS. Its too much work to repair the past as the mistakes made would have to be rubbed in their faces....
Or because they were asked to not contact them!
Saying "do the work" to the generation of baby boomers is something they probably just don't understand.
The person who is being cut off doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand or tell you they’re sorry . They don’t care in the first place. They’re not in the same head space .
Exactly! If they were that emotionally intelligent we wouldn't be cutting them off
OR it's too painful for them too.
Ok painful For them? For them? As they left the victim destroyed!!!!!
Absolutely. They don’t care. They only want things to go the way they want them to go.
Some of us do have the emotional intelligence. No contact can be for many reasons. I have offered family therapy but everyone has to come to the table in a safe environment.
For me, it was that feeling of betrayal: they ignored all my requests for how they treated/talked to me for decades, but THIS one they follow to the T.
Wow, just having you share this and realize I am not alone in this is really helpful. I have been estranged from my parents less than a year. After writing a letter telling my parents the things I had struggled with regarding their treatment of me, I said in the letter that I love them, but needed to keep my distance. My dad’s response was to call and leave a message acting like I hadn’t said a word, and my mom has been completely silent. I’m not sure which hurts worse…the fact that my dad never acknowledges any of my feelings or the wrong he has done, or my mom’s complete silence after me telling them both the hurt they kept causing me. It’s that feeling that they truly, truly never really cared. That hurts. Thank you for your videos. It helps to know I’m not alone.
That's right. It takes rather a lot to 'swallow' that I know. It is actually quite creepy if I really think about it......
It is possible that your Mom loves you but was so shocked and hurt by your letter that she does not know what to say. Just giving another perspective.
@@wendya1250 really ??
@@wendya1250 I’m not sure how she would be hurt by my letter. I wasn’t nasty or unkind. I was factual, sharing what she and my dad had said and done to make me break contact. After what happened that caused the final straw for me, I really don’t believe my mom or my dad love me. I helped them each week for years, going out of my way to help them. Let’s just say they didn’t exactly repay that help with kindness.
@wendya1250 my mom would have no reason to be hurt by my letter. I was not nasty or unkind. I was factual, sharing what she and my dad had said and done. I went out of my way to help my parents week after week for years. The “kindness” they repaid me, especially with what became the final straw for me, was anything but love.
My opinion: by reaching out to said parent to let them know you are going to estrange your relationship with them, is another cry for help from your inner child to be seen. Being disappointed by one’s parents acceptance of this “decision”, again, has nothing to do with the parents but of a child allowing to be dismissed/abused one more time. By grieving this unhealthy relationship should serve as a reminder that “for a sore to heal, you need to stop touching it.
Exactly! Let it go.
@@theemarydee1610 "For a sore to heal, you need to stop touching it". Fantastic analogy! And may I add to that is going gray rock with others close to your narcissist neglectful or emotional abuser, one needs to not allow the narcissistic flying monkeys touch that sore spot.
I up and leave s/out a word.
That is so well said. Acknowledging our inner child is so important.
My route looked different. I did not say a word to my father. I simply stopped communicating with him. It was all one sided anyway. I no longer sought to see him and visit. Would come across him in larger family visits and we were cordial. It’s just one of many ways to handle it. I no longer care what he thought or believed. I just closed the door quietly.
You didn't leave them, they left you.. probably a long time ago. ❤
Yes.
Rings true.
Excellent
Hi Chess, I found your channel on Thanksgiving what a blessing! I have been enstanged from my family for 6 years, I had panic attacks and I just know it was my body telling me I wont have a long life if I dont cut them off! I live a very low key life and have a small circle of people that love and care about me. Thank you for all you do, I take great comfort knowing Im not alone. Life is to short! New member of the scapegoat club!
Life is too short...
Kai Tracid.. ❤💞💖💝
ruclips.net/video/lNZUB0SmE88/видео.html
Run free scapegoats !
17 years of radio silence has been wonderful! But yes, I did go through grief of losing the parents. I realized they couldn't love me and probably never did. It's all about how they can't love anyone, not a reflection of me.
There's no empathy from a narcissist. They can't do that and never will. They are broken people.
A feeling I really struggle with after my family didn't try to contact me after I cut them off was this weird kind of disappointment that they didn't "fight for me" or try in any way to save the relationship. To this day part of me would like it if they reached out, but another part would be horrified and not want anything to do with that. I know I made the right decision, but emotions are weird and complex things.
Perhaps they are thinking the same thing about you.
@@juliehoot3916 Maybe. But the thing I don't think they ever realized is that for a decade, I *did* try to save the relationship. There were years when the thought of doing so consumed me and dominated my life. The realization that such a thing was not possible was a very long time coming.
@nathanmatuch9428 So sorry. I think some of us just have alot of love and compassion for our family. They mean everything to us. That is not always mutual and it hurts. 🥺
Yes! I used to be mad and hurt that my dad wouldn't come see me and my sons (his only grandchildren), but when he rarely did come visit, I was anxious and didn't want him there.
This has been my experience too. Like, you didn’t even try! I must have meant nothing to you!
I went no contact without being conscious of doing so. When my mother called, asked, “why don’t you call anymore?” My answer was: “I’m apathetic.” Her typical response was: “whaaat?! My typical response was: “Oh, nothing.” Mostly in and out of therapy all my adult life. They’re dead now, which is relief for me; however, I have siblings whom I’m also NC. My parents made sure we were pitted against one another. Life is hard enough without fake love of supposed family members. I have no regret, just wished I had been stronger earlier and cut them off thirty years sooner. Peace ✌🏽
The most loving person in my very large family was our hired cleaning lady .. thank you Lulu
I'm sorry. But also sometimes the Lulu's in our lives are the supports we need, and the catalyst to show us what love should really feel like.
I am 64 and have had to estranged from my entire family. It’s been about six months. It has to stay this way. I’ve moved into the grief now of just not having a family. Which is different than missing that Family. Because I definitely do not miss that Family and I know that what I’m doing is right for me.
I am right there with you. 😢it’s not what anyone at this age wishes their lives to be. I hope and pray that your strength helps you through this difficult time 🙏🏻😢
I feel exactly the same way. When the holidays come, and I have 2 children that don’t have aunts or uncles, and the emotions of lack of family hit - it sucks. I’m sorry for them. I was there for my nieces their whole life in every way and now that it’s my turn - they are just too screwed up and trying to gaslight now that they don’t need me for money or favors.
@@iloveFiona420 I'm sure I am in the same boat as you. Family? Create a new definition of family for yourself. God provided new family for me along my journey. Embrace new acquaintances. God's love will provide you with new family.
People who cannot take accountability will never ever ever give you any kind of validation. Letting go is the hardest part. You have to give up all hope that they will recognize the good in you or acknowledge how hurtful their behavior was. - They do see it, that’s why they treat you so bad. It triggers some unconscious shame in them.
💯
There is always another side to the story.......
Sometimes the person doing the estranging is the narcissist (as much as I despise the misuse and overuse of that term.)
Our daughter, one year out of college, met someone. She totally cut off family for nearly three years due to manipulation from her partner. I was (inwardly) angry that she essentially cut off her mom and siblings. Nearly three years later her relationship blew up and she was in an exceptionally fragile mental health place. We were there to catch her fall. A few weeks later she wrote each of us amazing letters stating “I never thought you would be there for me after how I behaved. Thank you. I love you.” I tell everyone who has kids…”Never say words that you can’t take back. Never burn a bridge.” Along the way we had deep sadness mourning the loss of our daughter. Ironically, she said she didn’t cut family off because of anything we did but that she just needed to find herself. In the end, she wasted three years of her life for a toxic relationship and she lost confidence in her ability to evaluate a dating relationship. She has been fully back in our lives for 25 months. 😀
My husband's family did this when we went no contact. They wouldn't listen to what he had to say, denied everything and got angry. That was 7 years ago and since then - nothing. For 62 years their son was loyal and didn't challenge them. Their silence proves there was no meaningful connection with him and his sister says they never mention him. Wow.
For me, my realization was that I truly loved my Mom and sister. I held them in high regard. After repeatedly being made scapegoat or any of the other toxic mess, the pain is so intense!. To estrange with no reaction is brutal because what it shows is the complete lack of empathy and real love being shown or convey to me. It doesn’t exist for me. I am devastated. The pain is overwhelming, the hurt, caused love my mother and I love my sister, and I have always prayed for them and pray for the best for them despite everything. Not that I will continue to be a doormat, because I do not. But it doesn’t take the the pain of knowing that my support, my love, and my place in the family means very little if anything x,and on top of that, is not reciprocated.
I feel literally exactly the same very similar description of what happened
I've been estranged from my father almost my whole life. As a young child, I saw my father throw my mother into a wall and a few weeks later he abandoned me at a hospital and disappeared for over 12 hours. I needed emergency surgery and *he* couldn't handle it so he left me there to deal with it on my own. My mother couldn't get to the out of town hospital in time to sign the paperwork so the hospital called children's services to get an emergency order. I finally saw my mother hours after the surgery. Even as a child I knew there was no point in expecting anything from him after that.
When I told my mother that I was going into therapy, she was really annoyed, accusing me of sharing the family’s “dirty laundry” with a perfect stranger. I replied that I needed to tell my story to someone, but she didn’t get it. One year, my sister “forgot” my birthday: the irony here is that she is my twin sister!!! Knife to my heart, yet nothing was said to her.
I'm so sorry you went through this. I understand as I am the only one in the extended family who has taken on an active approach to healing. AKA, therapy. It's very threatening to those in denial or hiding their (obvious) secrets.
Therapy is a great was to shift your relationships. The debris falls through, leaving the gems right on top...along with a few well-meaning nuts. 😎
As an adult dont expect gifts from family. And sibling did that bc they were to cheap and lazy. Thats all. And now you know never get her a gift ever again. She only thinks about her
Selfish people and it’s just all about them , I know it’s hard but try to accept that’s the way it is and be happy with you ..
Hello there from Italy! I'm 57, I live in this house since 2009 and my siblings never came to pay a visit, they "have their own lives/kids/jobs and are way too busy"...according to their thoughts I'm the wrong one, they don't like the way I live, my interests my husband- whatever. I gave up trying to understand them several years ago, but I still have a bitter taste in my mouth.
I feel my mother is relieved i went no contact, because now she does not have to be held accountable.
Sounds like the perfect solution for her and you.
We cut them off to save ourself and then have to navigate that pain. Do you ever wonder what life would be like for yourself if you were born to normal adjusted parents.
on a daily basis .. truly i am trying to let go of this thought
Nah, I don't spend much time anymore on "what if's" wishful thinking.
Sure, it would have been better having more normal parents and they wouldn't have held me back or damaged so much,
but their mental sickness prevented it.
I think about it a lot. The ease of people who are supported, the better sleep and low anxiety they enjoy, the ability for them to open up and trust, to love.
When your parents withhold love, and saying "I love u", while in disagreements, tells me all i need 2 know right there.
Many years ago, after in depth soul searching, I decided to confront my mother about her treatment of me and my half brother. It was despicable resulting in my half brother being removed from our home permanently.
I was ready to work through our issues, forgive and move forward.
Her reaction was to disown me 😮
That moment it felt if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I thanked her, said goodbye, changed my telephone number, and didn't speak to her again.
A few years later, she wrote me a letter saying that she had forgiven me 🤬 WTF. She never accepted any responsibility or even acknowledged the damage she had/has caused.
The silence was the best gift she ever gave me.
In my experience & from talking to others who've done it, emotionally abusive parents aren't ever going to acknowledge your need to step back or the reasons why. They lack the self awareness, empathy & accountability. The usual reaction is outright denial, tantrums, accusations, sending in a relative as their 'flying monkey' or radio silence.
Wow, so much going on in these situations. Thank you so much Chess for pushing through your raw hurt and continuing to share, it's a very brave thing to do. We know that people can only meet us from where they are at, and it's a very sad truth that when people are upholding toxic behaviours within themselves and their own relationships, any questioning of that or pushback will only be met with denial in the form of further abandonment. When the challenge comes from a child of those people, this increased abandonment goes against everything a child can expect from their primary caregivers. What a blessing to have these channels where people going through the same experience can find each other. My heart really goes out to you and everyone experiencing this pain. Please love the inner child in you and comfort her, no one deserves this. I pray that all who need this channel will find it. Sx
I think our estrangement is mutual. She always hated me so I'm sure it was a relief for me to just go away and leave her alone. Story of my life. Any time I'd call her in the past, she'd immediately tell me her phone was going to die so she could just hang up at any time.
My mom has done so much damage to me. And recently i realized it didnt stop in my youth. In my 30s i finally got pregnant with my daughter. I lived 5 hours away. I said to my mom that i was not going to travel back home after 6 month mark. She cussed me out and made it all about herself. Tore me down for setting a boundary on traveling there to my baby shower. Well she threw me one. I went home for a weekend. She left with her boyfriend when i showed up so she could get supplies. So no one prepped anything for my arrival. So i was left waiting at an empty house with no one to talk to. They come home hours later after stopping for drinks. And then start making out hard core on the couch next to me. Luckily my husband showed up and they stopped. Its one of my worst memories! We struggled to get pregnant and my first ended in miscarriage. Plus i wasnt asking for alot. We always came home for bbq and family. So why was it a big deal when i want a baby shower. Im in my fortys now and realize i really dont like her but for so many years i tried to be her friend and be relevant. I could go on and on!!
same
Bit different but similar. Parents dead for decades. Remaining siblings & cousins just stomped all over my boundaries for several years. After literally begging them to stop I ended up deleting most from social media & having to block 2 (1 on my phone as I wasn’t being allowed sleep). Those I didn’t delete have become very distant. So I recognize the emotions you speak of. As bad as they feel it is still preferable to the torment I was being put through. Hugs to anyone going through this.
I had a wonderful childhood And my parents unfortunately are both dead. My dad's 2 sisters, After my grandmother died 1 of my aunts was the executor of the will. My brother and I were both beneficiaries we never got any settlement Or even if the will was probated. It was in the pandemic My brother thought he was going to lose his house. Even though we talked She never sent anything. There was no money for say but there she never sent anything. . Lots of emails and texts Nothing Was ever settled.
We actually tried to have a visit And we ended up Leaving at 8:00 PM After my Uncle Drunken uncle A meltdown We drove14 hours to leave. I've never felt so attacked In my life thank goodness my husband was there! My aunt Tried to apologize 2 months later And again at thanksgiving My card-I just threw it away and will never talk to them ever again. I don't think I would ever think that my family would have been acting this way I just don't even know. V
My dad's siblings Are the same way - My family comes from a huge amount of passive aggressiveness! I had wonderful parents And a great childhood. After my grandmother died Everything got Weird. I live14 hours away which helps But after the boundaries Broken. An unsuccessful visit That my husband and I had to leave in the evening Going back going back home. We come from a really small family But we don't need to put up with The ugliness and nastyness That they were trying to portray as our family. My aunt is giving us a couple of apologies but they're not apologies- Felt like we were uncomfortable with situation😬😬😬😬 We will never speak to them again. It is really draining for My brother's family and mine. Good luck to all
@ Same to you
Because in our hearts we always have a small light of hope that our family loves us and wants to be with us. We always hold out hope for change even through the pain and determination to create distance.
As humans, we grieve what never came to be, as in parents being able to love and respect us as we become adults. There are other hopes and dreams that never develop. Being criticized, abused and ultimately unloved by the people who brought us into the world may be the most complicated grief of all.
I think the worst of narcissistic abuse is it the destruction of people's full potential.
silence is what i wanted when i got done with the narcissistic
Hello 👋
Im almost sixty. They all live around the corner. I haven't seen my mum and sisters, apart from the one who ignored me in the street for a year. They scapegoat me when I put up boundaries. I always go back to them, but I haven't this time. It's really difficult.
It’s so hard not to go back. I used to think “maybe if I do even more of the emotional labor and I make myself extremely agreeable and and and, then maybe they will want me.” It was never enough. You’re so brave to not go back and take it anymore.
It's hard to live among the people you have cut off. It's like living in a war zone, with ruins to look at. I would like to move, see things not associated with people and events from a hurtful time.
@ I agree with you. I totally had to do that. I was lucky to be able to physically part from them .
I just turned 60 last Sunday and have been estranged from my family for several years. It is very difficult for sure. You have to decide whether you want to hurt from their treatment of you that will never change, or just grieve the loss of your biological family and be proud that you would not put up with their treatment of you anymore. Hope that helps.
If I cut someone off, and they no longer respond, they are at least honoring my decision this time compared past behavior.
I would personally give them credit.
I do understand that other people cut off parents or family really as a cry for help and want a compassionate response or something similar in return.
That is just keeping more false hope going.
The other people do not think or act that way. If they were compassionate you would likely have never cut them off in the first place.
I would say take the time to work on you and find other ways to deal with your needs not being met.
Omg, if the parent was thoughtful and healthy enough to acknowledge your pain, hear it and quietly take that you can’t be around them--you wouldn’t need to cut off from them! That’s like asking a rattlesnake not to have venom.
Even a rattlesnake would never give it's venom to it's offspring
Silence can be taken as a sign you really aren't valued and loved. You learn that not everyone is capable. It's heartbreaking. Grieve the end of the relationship, but don't end the silence. Ever. Eventually someone will ask about you, and they'll have to face the loss themselves.
My mother told me "I shouldn't feel that way" when I expressed anger about my husband leaving me and our son. I could not believe it, I did get angry and say "these are my feelings", then walked out of the room. The one thing I learned from growing up with emotionally unavailable parents was to make sure my son felt comfortable talking to me about anything, especially problems he was having, and not negating his feelings.
Thank you, Chess. You've helped me to find words around a concept i haven't been able to. I also now understand better how to attempt reconnecting with my daughters.
It's nearly a decade since I got on a plane to flee, and I've only heard from a few intending to gather data to report back and one demand I return to plan a family funeral.
It's painful still some days. Most of my grieving now is for the lost connections with my adult daughters. My hope is that they are also away from the chaos and living their very best lives.
It's been 5 years since I last reached out and my plan is to do so a bit after the 10th anniversary because I am haunted by having meant nothing to my mother. These women deserve better, and I am capable and willing to meet them in healing if they are so inclined. If space is what helps them most, I will bear that, grateful they know I care enough to try, and I'm available if they ever change their mind.
Again, thank you, this has helped my heart a bit.
it's sad. It proves they absolutely don't care. As ok as I think I am, it still hurts.
There is definitely a grieving period with no contact.
The silence is shocking. In a way it's another gut punch. For years I was the one running after the contact especially since we live overseas, for the kids mainly. I weathered the emotional abuse until one day a really good friend said, ' stop'. I was met with the silence, realised that when I didn't keep open the lines of communication there was none. It was a revelation. Am quite happy to let them enjoy their remaining years with the uncaring, self centered golden child who does absolutely nothing for them.
Yes, wow. I have such a deep well of pain over this. The absolute radio silence from the entire family has been shocking and devastating. The last thing I said was that I wasn’t “speaking like a therapist”, I was just being careful in a high stakes conversation. There was never a response to my “I’m being careful”, not from anyone in my family. That was a couple of years ago. It’s agony even though they are awful to me. I wish I could stop loving them, but since I can’t make myself do that, I grieve them in therapy. How messed up is it to grieve the family that treated me like I was the cause of all suffering everywhere? I’ll never forget the last time I saw my sister, on our family trip, she said “you’re 40 something years old and you’re still in trouble with mom. You’re always going to be in trouble with mom.” And she was right.
I will tell u a quick story, my boyfriend died, and I went to hospital because I mourned him so much, when I got out of hospital, I found out he cheated , the mourning stopped that second. The point to my story is, your family treated u bad, if u set ur mind to, I will never give the people that hurt u another minute of ur head space it will help, u don't deserve to be treated this way. I hope u find peace, because I did....
@ I’m sorry he did that to you. Thanks for sharing - I think you’re right. Time and therapy, time and therapy.
@jndenton1 I had no therapy and 3 days in hospital because of the pain, but the pain stopped as soon as I found out a few days out of the hospital. It was like a kind of miracle, I have never looked back because no one should do that to anybody, even what narcissistic parents do, I'm not looking back, and I left them 2 weeks ago
This is an interesting perspective. First of all I’m 60 yrs old & I have experienced both sides of the coin here. When I was younger I chose to not have a relationship with my abusive father as an adult. When his health deteriorated (dementia,diabetes, blindness) it was me out of all the siblings who cared for him. I say unfortunately cuz it was difficult but maybe fortunately cuz I was able to forgive him. Now with my daughter we haven’t spoke in 2 yrs & I do miss her very much. Although I do not miss being the emotional punching bag or therapist for constant drama caused by decisions she’s made in her life. I’ve had to set boundaries for myself for acceptable treatment for ME… for my peace. I have been on a beautiful spiritual journey for the past 10 yrs which has allowed me to understand the only person you have control over is yourself.. let go of the rest. My door is always open for my daughter & will always be but I will not be anyone’s doormat anymore.❤
I totally understand. Both of my adult children have decided not to talk to me because I refused to be involved in their never ending dramas and manipulative behaviour that has gone on their whole lives since they were kids and I was a single mom. Found out, through my brother's FB page that my daughter had a baby with someone she is engaged to. My entire family will all spend Christmas together and carry on as they have for the past 4 years or so. Also my father died last year and I found out only because my daughter sent me a message on my husband's instagram to say that I "didn't deserve to know". I hadn't heard from her in 7 years by that point. Life is hard.
Sometimes these jerks seriously see themselves as the victim. So be prepared for absolute indifference.
My daughter cut me off without any explanation two years ago, the day after Thanksgiving. She would not talk to me or respond to messages. She has 3 teenage children that I have also had zero contact with. We live 15 minutes apart, but I have left her alone because that is clearly what she wants. The exception is that I sent her flowers on both of her birthdays and wrote "Happy Birthday, I Love You" on the card. Did I cross a boundary? Maybe, but I had to let my sweet daughter know I haven't forgotten about her, and that I still love her dearly. If she contacted me tomorrow, I would be overjoyed. I want so much for us to talk openly and see how I can help rebuild our relationship and what amends I can make to restore our family. These past 2 years have been the most difficult of my life - the loss has been emotionally and physically devastating. I don't pretend to be a perfect person or parent, but I truly am at a loss as to why she cut me off without explanation. It feels unduly cruel, and I am losing hope that I will ever see or talk to her again. -Just the perspective of a discarded parent who doesn't see herself as awful, narcissistic, or deserving of being canceled.
Anni, I'm going through this and I understand the grief and loss. My oldest daughter and I were initially estranged for 3 years. We then reconnected for several years. We spent time together weekly and she called several times a week, sometimes for one or two hour conversations. She struggles with anger, ADD and PTSD (from experiences she never told me about but hinted at much later.) My husband and I made a big move last year, which I think was stressful for her, and she has again gone NC, not just with me but now with her dad and sister. It's been 7 months and I haven't reached out. She doesn't want to hear from me and I need to respect that. It doesn't mean that I don't deeply love and miss her. I hope she is well and happy, as you wish for your daughter also. But mother to mother, people not in this situation do not comprehend the depth of grief, shame and loss that goes with estrangement from a child, but please know I understand and my heart goes out to you. (There is a great online support group called estrangedstories, they were lifesavers for me. Josh Coleman offers kind and helpful information too.) And I am talking to a therapist, which helps (if you find the right one.) I am working on acceptance and letting go- otherwise this situation can overwhelm you, as you are deeply aware. Peace to you.
Maybe you should just write her a heartfelt letter asking for an explanation and this way you’re not confronting her directly by calling. Just be prepared she may not respond. Unfortunately some people get around narcissist in their life who control them and change them until one day they wake up.But it could be something you have no idea about so maybe in writing would work.
In my situation, as the parent, communication from me is not accepted. I have been doing the hard work, facing issues with various types of therapy and being open about my serious mistakes and failings. However if I reach out when it’s been communicated that that’s not acceptable, I am violating boundaries. It’s an untenable space because there is no awareness on the AC’s part about potential for change in the dynamic - she doesn’t want it, even though it may bring her information that supports her own wellness and healing.
Same thing happened in our family....over 10 years ago. We've had the best 10 PLUS years ever. No drama. Just peace. It's beautiful. No turning back for us. Life is great! I wish you the same closure. It takes time. When you forgive...you can finally let it go. Then they have nothing on you. Move on....don't look back. Get stronger. And start talking about other things. Maybe that's your path....all along.
My first reaction is "enjoy the silence"! But I can understand feeling confused at the same time.
6:20 Let's be honest, If said person was able to apologize or show empathy there never would have been an estrangement. It's difficult but that pain is needed to cut the cord and end the and begin healing. Thank you!
I cut off my dad in 2000 because he remarried with a gang of bullies who ganged up on me and made any further relationship impossible. Dad encouraged the mobbing. Then after I cut off, Dad blamed me for the implosion of his relationship with these toxic people. My grandmother, his mother died in the middle of their problems. I wasn't there. So dad blamed me for that. He could not bring himself to compromise with me in any way. It was hate hate hate, and then after more problems, total and absolute hate. Nuclear hatred. There was no possible way for me to reconcile. Because I was the "cause" of all the rage. Fine. He died alone. Too bad. Moral of the story is don't freaking gang up and mob on people. Especially your family.
Absolutely agree, you have no idea how much it means to me, to hear this from someone else, and to know that other people in the world resonate with my on experience. I may not have love, and respect from my biological family of origin, but I know there are other persons in the world that are able to actually "feel" and empathize. Thank you, thank you
I'm glad it helped. You aren't alone.
Lass dich durch deine Gefühle nicht verunsichern, die gehören dazu und sind völlig normal. Du hast die richtige Entscheidung getroffen!!! Glaube mir, es wird leichter und dir wird es in ein paar Monaten viel besser gehen als je zuvor! Alles Gute für dich ❤
❤
My parents were narcissists with probable autistic undertones as they seemed unable to feel real love or compassion towards each other or family. Things got worse when my mother acquired a traumatic brain injury in her 30's which took away her ability to control the worst of her personality. She became verbally and emotionally abusive to all in the family but i received the worst of it. I am now 62 years old and have a deep faith and loving friends and supportive husband. I am establishing a normal relationship with my remaining family as they were brainwashed by my parents to also treat me as the 'scapegoat'! There is at last peace in my heart and the hurt is subsiding. My advice to any experiencing similar is, cherish your 'normal' family and friends and see the past as something that was not your fault. You just happened to be born into an abnormal family dynamic. Finally, absolutely refuse to carry any misplaced guilt...All the best! ❤️
If you are at the point where you need to cut off your parents, you know why. You shouldn’t expect concern or positive response from them or you wouldn’t be cutting from them to begin with. Of course they don’t get it because they consider it your problem. That’s why they are the narcissists. You do it for your mental health because they are not going to change to appease you. I cut from a brother a few years ago and do not care if he responded, I didn’t expect him to. I feel great.
Perfect timing. Last week I went to instagram to see the first post was my only niece's wedding photos that I wasn't invited to. She was the last person i was still speaking to. But seeing those photos made me realize even she had no thought to warn me or even invite me although knowing i probably would not go...But it would have been nice to get an invite or be told when the wedding was....it was just a shock i guess to see that everyone has moved on after 7 years no contact with my sister who was a horrible bully to me who has my mother thinking I'm the bad one..everyone has sided with her. My mother especially since she feels my sister has the money, husband and all the security she can offer her and I'm the struggling single one. My mother also never protected me or stood up for me when i was being mistreated or abused..Was a single parent married a narcissist due to the bad treatment from family..never was treated the same. Most sensitive..bla bla...knowing i cannot let myself keep getting hurt by the dysfunction but still feel th epain of not being invited...odd and i was really questioning everything...so thank you for this
Yep. Found out on Facebook that I had another grandniece, a daughter of my worst abuser, and when I offered congratulations they unfriended me. 🤷 They're all adults enmeshed in generational brainwashing. My hope is someday they will figure things out, but I'm not holding my breath.
Yes, they make you look bad. Untruthful things have been said about me for their benefit. The games they play. Take care.
You're not alone! My older brother was my mom's favorite. And yes he bullied me our entire childhood and she took his side. She would never protect me.
@@Carpenterdane I'm sorry. It's like they have the right to treat us bad but we have NO rights in standing up for ourselves. its very odd
Hi Donna. The same for me. I was a single parent of 2 after my marriage to the king of narcissists. My parents and brothers always let my children treat me like crap and looked at me as the pathetic one. Finally met a wonderful man and they all started treating me even worse. My husband supported me when I said I needed to distance myself from everyone because it was making me sick. No one ever tried to reach out to me in 4 years and found out that my dad died last year and my daughter had a baby last January. Just can't believe this is happening and they all just carried on. Christmas will be hard as it always is.
Stop expecting anything from them and you won’t be disappointed. I had to learn that from my mom. They will never change. You will never have the relationship you desire. Grieve it and move on. It sucks. It’s not supposed to be like this but for many of us, it is. But I most say if any person I loved told me they needed space from me with no explanation of what caused it or how to fix it, I would never speak to them again.
@@rikkirobinson4429well said. Relationships are very complex, and so are people and personalities. I've been hurt my whole life by various familial relationships . I personally think it's just life , but now days we have a fancy box we call narcissism and tend to put everyone in that box, perhaps forgetting our own role and actions that may contribute to the conflict. Aside from stories of real abuse , I believe those parents who eventually honor a kid who says no contact have themselves reached the conclusion there's nothing they can do and may also be unable to navigate the head games, so they just honor the request. But in their hearts they are in real pain and also grieving. It's unfortunate really. We all just want peace and happy families but sometimes it just dissipates on its own.
My dad was an abusive narcissist. I cut him off for 4 years, but my family piled on the guilt until I gave in and started talking to him again. I wish I had stayed strong against them.
Sorry to hear that. I find the same, the instant you open yourself up again, it’s more of the same because it’s very unlikely the narcissist has changed. The moment I let up on the grey-rock politeness and try to make a connection, the narcissists in my family make me abundantly regret my momentary slip. Hope you find a way to inner peace that works for you. Take care.🪷
I just found you! Thank you God. I am a retired paramedic with 30 years all on the road with a very busy and extremely understaffed. My family has no idea the PTSD in my head from what I have done, not to mention the things I have seen and said. They do not understand how overwhelming being around people and why I keep to myself and a homebody. They do not understand what it's like when your emotions suffocate you.
I’m not 100% no contact yet but almost there. I still text my dad to wish him a Merry Christmas. He has a new family now and only ever contacts me when he needs something (money). As for my mom, I also only see her a couple of times a year. She’s toxic and draining. My sister calls her the dementor (like Harry Potter). She sucks the life out of you. Some of the things she has done and said are just unbelievable. And I’m much happier distancing myself from both of them.
So very sorry.
I have cut off my parents in the past but it’s mainly my mom that I don’t want contact with. In order to have my dad, whom I admired and looked up too, in my life I would have to apologize to my mom for going no contact. I had to just keep my mouth shut, ignore the put downs, the tantrums and walk on eggshells with everyone else around her. My mother literally took my daughter away from me! I did not drink, do drugs, leave my child with strangers, nothing but my mom felt that I being a single mom at 21 could not raise my daughter the way she felt was right! I had gone to college, had a career and was working and doing life as a responsible single woman. It’s when I started dating that my mom felt I was being irresponsible. Like I should not put my own happiness in the equation at all! She found a lawyer and a judge that listened to her and made me look like a horrible person and that my mom was the only person capable of raising my daughter. I fought so hard for many years to get my daughter back but finally I could see the hurt in my child’s eyes so I quit fighting 😢 I let her win! I was and continue to be that “brat” child, as she use to call me, and I will never be good enough. She would punish me, as a child, by ignoring me for days or weeks. She would set the table and not set a plate for me. She would not talk to me nothing! This is how my mother treated me all my life! Or she would acknowledge me and tell me what an ungrateful brat I was! She had a nervous breakdown and when we all went to see her in the hospital she told me “Don’t you ever do this again to me” this is your fault! So now at the age of 63, my dad has been gone for 3 years now, she was being her rude, hateful self and I said to myself “I’m done” I don’t deserve to be treated this way! So I sent her a text, it wasn’t mean or yelling, I just told her how I felt about the way she addresses me, the way she looks at me and the way I feel like I annoy her. I went no contact and told her that. She has ghosted me and the only thing anyone has said was that I told her I no longer wanted contact so why should she try and reach out! The only thing she got out of that text was the no contact! So basically I am dead to her! I will be ok! I have a lot of trauma to work thru but one thing she taught me that was positive (in a screwed up way) you don’t give up, smile, and keep going on with your life! There were more things to that but I don’t want to go there as it’s pretty messed up. Thanks for listening 🙏🏻
I finding on this channel there a lot of us who are around 60 when realize we are worth more than that. My mother always ghosted me throughout my childhood when she was angry with me or just in a bad mood (which was a lot of times). When I told my dad that I needed some time, they both stopped talking to me. They always had a way of making me feel like they didn't like me. My brothers were the golden boys. My kids had already stopped talking to me because I wouldn't put up with their constant drama and now they all spend the holidays together and carry on. We all need to vent about it. It's hard.
8 years no contact. Then visit with dying mum. She yelled at me and told me I was a disappointment. I continued my visit a few days longer. She asked me when I was leaving. She decided not to speak to me during my visit, she ghosted me.
I gave her a hug and kissed her goodbye. We never really knew each other. But what a terrible last memory for me to live with before her death. But I praise myself for taking the high road. She took the low road, the cruelty she foisted upon me before her death. The demonic spirit that resided inside this woman also died.
I learned as a toddler that I couldn't trust my parents to love me and understand my wants and needs. I wondered why I couldn't ever quite feel the warmth and love towards my parents that other kids seemed to. Then, one day several years ago when I was in my late 60s my mother told me how I used to sleep in their bed until I was almost 3. Then they decided to wean me so they put me in my own bed and let me cry myself to sleep, all alone. After the third night I stopped. When she told me that it was the A-HA moment of a memory long forgotten and I suddenly realized why, all of my life, I couldn't trust them or anyone to love me.
When I woke up to the reality I am the scapegoat...I no longer cared how they saw me reality says their the toxic ones not me, CLEARLY! So why would I care?
Thanks for sharing your story, same for those in the comments section. Sometimes a person just needs to walk away/move away, nothing wrong with that. We all only have one life, and it’s our own individual choices to make our world our own, without toxic people in it. Move on, don’t let them occupy any space in your mind, if you do they win. Live/enjoy your life, they can do the same.
Can confirm, for a while, nearly 3 years, i expected my mum to reach out and i had planned what i wanted to say as she has done this before. She never reached out. The reality is i still mourn a mum that i never had, but i dont miss my actual mum. Her silence is a response to me speaking up and literally saying, what you did hurt me. Its so cruel, just work on yourself, journal and move forward, life is precious, dont waste it.❤
Love your channel. Narcs use silence to mess with your head. They take and are exhausting. I enjoy listening to you because many counselors don’t truly understand this pain and crazy making behavior. I have walked your walk and I think we want to fix it so much just to feel normal. But, you are the socially accepted normal, caring person. But they are not! ❤❤❤
For decades I have been the one trying to patch up family trauma. I just don't want to do it anymore. Not sure how things will end but feeling more at peace with less contact 😢
same...
When I left 4 years ago
Nobody called or asked why, or cared. Also, they became aware, that I was now aware and could not face me
Cowards, bullies, and liars
Wouldn’t believe a word that would come out of their mouths anymore anyway.
They know who and what they are/have become
I can't believe that my brother and sister cut me off. They experienced many of the same things I did, but the magnetic pull of my narcissistic mother is too strong. So sad.
Hi Chess, Ty for this vid. I had no idea that this is a phenomenon so TY for opening my eyes. I have liked and subbed and rang that bell as I would like to continue to hear how your story unfolds. I hope that doesn't feel intusive. Best Wishes to you and yours, Mick
I really look forward to your videos and am happy to have found them. I do wish you all the best. I am sure your videos are helping many people understand what being "the scapegoat" is all about . Thank you sharing your struggles. ❤
Oh oh oh.... So painful. Glad you spoke of this. Thanks
You are so welcome, thank you for watching and commenting. Wishing you well with whatever your situation ❤️🩹
It’s amazing to me how many people have experience a completely screwed up nasty lack of empathy, family, members, and gaslighting. I’ll be honest with you. It gives me some comfort because it’s a really lonely feeling sometimes even though you know it’s for the best. Even though I’ve dealt with the worst of the grief and it’s been six years now - the grief still comes sometimes.
I wish it were true that children only cut off for valid reasons because I would be able to apologize and beg forgiveness. Instead, I begged my son to tell me why he won’t respond to texts, why he always has an excuse to not see us or come to family get-togethers. Instead I got cut off. We are a loving family and he hates us.
Sadly, it seems to be an epidemic I'm afraid.
You may not be a narcissist but are in contact with the one your son has gone no contact with. Unfortunately, when the last resort for the person being abused is going no contact, there will be 'collateral damage'. Others who are involved with the narcissist are no longer 'safe' and must be avoided in order to heal.
So when I first cut my family off (2 siblings and my mother) after my father passed, my mother kept contacting me through b'day and Xmas cards. She'd write little notes in the cards and some of what she'd write was manipulative type stuff, including guilt trips.
After one b'day card I decided to attempt contact again, wanting to explain the betrayal I felt from the family mobbing during my father's terminal illness. It was so obvious in her notes in those cards that she didn't get it and it was really bothering me. Now in hindsight, I wished I'd just let it go. But I really did want to repair at least the relationship with my mother. She is the most reasonable of the 3 of my family members. My siblings, not so much. Very judgmental. Double standards are 'law' when it comes to their scapegoat (me.)
Well I spent a lot of time on the phone with my mother that day, explaining. Ugh! I told her the same shit twice and at one point, it seemed and I repeat SEEMED that she understood and said that she was sorry. She put some effort into her tone of voice and it sounded sincere. But there was still a sense of dissatisfaction. After all, she'd taken sides and joined my siblings in their bullying. It's not like an apology is a magical thing and makes everything okay after such a betrayal. So it's not like my trust in her magically returned. I mean, even for lesser offenses, an apology needs time to be proven/reinforced. But when it's a hardcore betrayal like family mobbing, yeah, that's gonna take even more effort on the part of the offender.
In addition, I told her that this isn't a type of thing that's a once and done. I may need to talk through more stuff pertaining to that period of time when it comes up. It was a preemptive strike on my part because whenever I've brought something up more than once that I was still struggling with, everyone in my family would be like, "We already discussed this, it's over, it's in the past, let it go, drop it. Stop being so sensitive. Move on." And my feelings about it didn't matter. So I wanted to let her know that this repair would be WORK. Not just return to status quo. I also told her I won't need to talk about it EVERY time we talk. Sometimes I like to "keep things light" too. I just needed to trust that she'll be receptive instead of feeling anxious about her reaction of eyerolls and rejection.
She agreed and even repeated that she knew in order to repair our relationship I may need to discuss things further. That other thins may come up that didn't in the last convo, etc.
Toward the end of the convo, she was talking about coming to our home state for a visit. She had moved south after retirement and she suggested us going to lunch. While on the phone I said okay. I was feeling a little relieved. I was feeling like she'd finally understood what I was no contact for.
But then we said our goodbyes and got off the phone. Not two minutes later, I felt unsettled and anxious about meeting her for lunch and leaving it hanging there without letting her know. It was a moment later, I realized how I felt she viewed me, thinking back to the scapegoating, mobbing and other manipulations. I felt insignificant. I felt that I was insignificant to her.
I emailed her and wrote that. After all, before we'd hung up, she'd led me to believe that she was open to more conversation and the emotions I was struggling with.
Her response was dismissive about how I felt and she basically told me that maybe it would be better to close her out and keep working through my stuff on my own.
i don't understand how you would expect something from your parents that they really aren't capable of giving. I learned that lesson a long time ago, I don't expect anything from my mother, so therefore I am not disappointed.
Because deep down you hope they'll call you, apologize, and want to be in a relationship with you. It's the final confirmation that you don't matter to them. Then the grief comes. It takes a bit to let it go and live fully without them. Of course, everyone moves at their own pace moving forward.
Thank you, I just subscribed. The hurt is due to the response of my mother just accepting it without offering to try to do anything differently (not that I think she is capable of this). The fact that they do not even try to fight for the relationship with you. How sad. I could never imagine doing this to my son.
As a parent who has been cut off, I tried to reach out to repair the relationship and admitted to what I had done but received silence. Almost 6 years on I just pray for reconciliation.
The way I cope with my family estrangement is to be the kind of parent I wish I'd had to my now adult children. Break the cycle.
I love this. Thank you for saying it, and being the difference!
My daughter didn’t speak to me for a little over a month, which in the scheme of things is a very short time, but it was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. I’m always afraid now that I’ll make her angry again and she’ll walk away once more and that’s made it difficult for me to relax around her. I know she had some stress going on, but there was no excuse for what she put her father and me through.
My parents did not create a safe and loving environment for their children. They did not connect with their children in a way that was healthy, supportive, respectful and caring. Wanting to restructure a relationship dynamic with a clueless parent is counterproductive, frustrating and very disappointing. Estrangement has helped me a lot.
Very conflicting. If an adult child makes the decision to leave, with no explanation, telling parents to not contact them, as a parent, they will respect that. Adult children need to be accountable for their choices, and if we are to understand, a child can't simply say "do not contact me" then be upset they don't contact you.
A child who grew up in a stable home, goes into the world, then comes back and decides their parents did everything wrong, is a bit painful for the parent as well. Yet, when you make that decision, as an adult, and the parents are in their 60's, they simply do not have time to filter out where they went wrong. And if they are unable to be the adult they claim to be, to have a heart to heart with transparency, parents will not be able to figure out how to make them happy.
It is a new era
This.
Maybe you don’t get it! 🍀🍀
Well said!
The cut off turned into years of not speaking.
When at first I wallowed in self pity after cutting off contact (after years of trying to heal the family "ya ya"), I would say to myself, well you jumped into that uterus, so take some self responsibility! That would make me laugh and I would raise my energy through humour, which helped a lot. Also having a spiritual perspective is very helpful. The Buddhist concept of "non-attachment|" helps, similar to the Christian "be in this world but not of it". I learned to discern within myself when it was my ego wanting a sop for the childhood wounding that I still has to heal within myself/self pity and my soul connecting to God or a higher source, whatever you call it that is real and now through this journey I could glimpse it and feel it. No one can do this internal work for oneself. Then I could see the blessing that as a soul, being in that family taught me to heal and become more resilient in my own self concepts. Self love allows one to see that one cannot be passive to abuse in any form. I also found that just because I decided to go for emotional and spiritual development rather than drinking or drugging or rolling around in the proverbial mud with my family of (symbolic) pigs, that they were not ready for that amount of work. My family's pace and timing for their own self healing was in God's hands, not my puny ego's opinion. I also study the ACIM, A Course in Miracles, which really is great for learning to get oneself out of the concept of "special relationships". I found in my own life I was developing the skills to discern which relationships to keep out of, that I would have unconsciously got into to "recreate" a familiar family dynamic that was the same as my family syndrome. I went back to the USA a number of times (I live in the UK) to see how things were before realizing I had to move on as wasting my life on something I could not fix was not self love. The first visit was the most eye opening. I was jet lagged having just arrived at my parent's retirement house in Florida. My younger sister was visiting from up north. (The deal with my two sisters and one brother is an even wilder story but no space here to write about it). I was astounded to find that it was like being in a 1974 time warp! Everything and I mean everything in the family dynamics was just as it was when I left in 1974, when I had left to get married and move to the UK. I could palpably see and feel on an energetic level the mind stream and almost twilight zone effect of their sleeping dream. My dream had changed. We in the West are not taught unless you really search out many different spiritual teachings, that life on planet earth is just a dream, changing in vibration as oneself changes. I had a LONG conversation with my mother about all the above taking her through the changes I had gone through so she could understand about the differences in my reality then and how she could do the same. She was a Pisces, so she did unconsciously open into the present dynamic with me and did understand, I could see it in her. So that night I went to bed HAPPY that for the first time ever, experiencing that I had a deeper real loving connection with her. Oh Boy did I get a shock when the next morning it was if a portcullis had slammed down between us and she was right where she had been before our conversation. Only from then on for me, being with such vibe people was so wearing on me energetically I had to move out into a rented small apartment near by. I realized, saw and felt the difference of when I had lived in that family vibe to where I was now, and that me expecting them to change was really in fact cruel. They had not gone through the changes I had gone through, worked hard to go through, and could not be expected to be any different. From then on for the rest of my holiday with them, it was easier to just kick back and enjoy the soap opera. Years later my sisters stole my part of the inheritance that my parents had left to me. I had talked to my parents saying to leave me less than my younger sister who had cared for them as I was not living near them to help as she had done. But still my sisters and nephew stole everything my parents had left me, and the one memento I had asked for was also denied me. So cutting off from them was unfortunate but had to be done. Following this path has made my internal life much richer. The pains one goes through can be likened to growing pains of one's true self. I hope this helps those on a similar path. I once found a greeting card of a herd of white sheep in the shape of a heart. In the middle of the white heart of sheep was one black sheep!. That card was symbolic of the position and dynamic that the family vs the black sheep of the family. It is not because the herd of sheep do not love you, they cannot love and relate to you. All the nasty stuff going on is just their unhealed stuff being projected, so take those times as entertainment and keep yourself out of that pain game. I liked the symbol of all the sheep being in the shape of a heart, as on some level love is there, one just has to change one's perspective and viewing point to see the humour and leilas (Hindu concept of life lesson, obstacle for one to transform as the timing is right for one to actually do the transformation), life is throwing at one to help one transform oneself. Now life is loving being alone but not lonely! You will soon find those who are your new family, like seeing a few living flames in a room full of people. Love from Pam in London UK.
Love back to you Pam
Thank you for having shared your experience with us. It resonates very much with me
@@kungazopa2831 That's a lot and way over my head. But if it means that you have come to a better place, I am so happy for you. Be blessed. KimB ♥️
I hope this channel stays going strong in the coming years.
Our daughter, one year out of college, met someone. She totally cut off family for nearly three years due to manipulation from her partner. I was angry that she essentially cut off her mom and siblings. Nearly three years later her relationship blew up and she was in an exceptionally fragile mental health place. We were there to catch her fall. A few weeks later she wrote each of us amazing letters stating “I never thought you would be there for me after how I behaved. Thank you. I love you.” I tell everyone who has kids…”Never say words that you can’t take back. Never burn a bridge.” Along the way we had deep sadness mourning the loss of our daughter. Ironically, she said she didn’t cut family off because of anything we did but that she just needed to find herself. In the end, she simply wasted three years of her life for a toxic relationship. She has been fully back in our lives for 25 months. 😀
It’s so great to hear from an actual sane mother. Bless you for not abandoning your child who made a bad decision and you had to just let it play out. Hopefully you weren’t gaslighting her and turning family members against her or conditioning people to have a bad opinion of her while she was gone. If you didn’t do any of that - I commend you even more.
I went Nov Contact 6 years ago … nothing. Not a word, text, nothing…. I’m not surprised.
I cut off my father FINALLY after many years of heartache. I think your feelings are NORMAL. We must mourn the loss! It is a process. God has wired us to yearn for LOVE, peace, joy in family but so many of us were not born into LOVING families; our families are so flawed that we must protect ourselves and also be patient with ourselves as we mourn the loss and embrace the NEW NORMAL. My father hasn't attempted to contact me or apologize for his bad behavior. I almost pity him.
Lean on your true family. The ones who love and respect you❤️❤️😊
Ten years no contact with any gamily member...this includes cousins....the smearing and slandering made sure of that...and i never tried to defend myself necause whats the point??? When your Mum confirms 💯 she never gave a s**t....so painful even at 60 years old. Ive not broken the no contact tho.
I have a narcissistic ocd father and an enabler mother. My sister was cruel to me my entire life. She would get her boyfriends and friends to bully me also. She said adulthood it was because she said I was prettier than her. She wasn’t told by our mom she was pretty enough and that was literally her reason for bullying me my entire life. Nothing to do with my personality. I used to hide in my bedroom and I still only feel safe in my room at 36 years old. She would call me the b word in front of my parents and they say nothing to back me up ever. I finally stood up to her a few years ago her narcissistic ex and her ganged up on me and would whisper to eachother about me. She would keep me awake spinning for days. I confronted her and told her what she does stays with me for days and she smirked and said I know. I could never win with her. I sent her the longest text about how mean she’s been and I was done. She of course said I was attacking her. She’s only being nice now to prove she’s not a bad person. She’s a perfectionist. To have someone make you feel like everything is wrong with you and be so passive aggressive that is such a huge trigger for me now. I avoid my father also he used to pop off and be abusive my mom did nothing. Even my cousin last family reunion kicked my dog many times and she was so mad at me for standing up for myself. I have adhd and have always been sensitive and she took advantage of that.
No contact with family is a complicated loss because no matter how toxic things were you can come up with some good memories that you hang onto and wish there could be more like it and there is love there as a child to a parent. But as an adult it is not healthy to continue with the toxicity. Your parents chose to have their children for many reasons and for narcissists they are self serving. With an adult's insight and perspective you choose. Reprocessing your childhood as an adult can be painful and the adult family dynamics that evolved from it can be illuminating as well. Yes there is grief and it is complicated but time and space is healing.
Narcissists use silence as one of the weapons in their arsenal. The caring, empathic target of the silence struggles with the effects because they have been wounded and care so much. It is so difficult and I applaud you for making it through it.
But she initiated the silence? Am I missing something?
Past is over - already many decades ago - I am finally in peace with my sick, dysfunctional ex-family - may GOD forgive them what they did to themselves and others. You should do same thing if you want to be in piece with life around you and your very soul and heart. Wish you piece of heart and let GOD forgive what you can´t forgive yet. Amen.
This entire thing from her video to the comments is heartbreaking. I am estranged from family too. I often think of what a blessing it could have been if people were healthy.
Merci mille fois for being so honest and showing vulnerability, true heroism! ❤
That awful Diane who let her daughter go received a heart felt letter from her daughter and just messaged back 'received'. now I am thinking how much that must have hurt daughter
Total power play...not real love.
That ‘Diane, The Narcissistic Mother’ is SO scary. Her posts are like a train wreck recording of herself (narc mother) portraying herself as a victim, how she uses her flying monkeys and betraying/belittling her daughter’s mental health challenges. And of course, she’s “bewildered” about how this happened because she’s done nothing but loved her daughter - but produced a curated video revealing all the daughter’s private details.
I started watching your channel a few days ago. I am one of the parents that is estranged from her daughter. It has been almost six years. We have seen each other once about two years ago and we’re told she didn’t know when or if she wanted to be in our lives again. We reached out again last year and we’re told she was busy. This has been one of the most difficult times of my life and I’m really at a loss at what to do. I know your channel is more about the child’s perspective, but pray you will never be estranged from your children. Just a thought. Not all parents are narcissists. I hope your channel is helpful to other people who have cut off their families.
Hi, sorry you’re hurting. You don’t have to be a narcissist for adult children to estrange themselves. Have they given you reasons that you haven’t properly listened to them? ❤❤❤❤ …it’s hard… it’s very hard.. at least you want to repair things with your daughter. My mother could not careless if I was dead and I was a straight A student, social worker, always trying to connect with her but she just kept stomping on t boundaries and can’t manipulate me anymore so she has smeared me instead and is playing the victim. She enabled my predator father bc she wanted his war pension. I tried for 12 months to communicate but she wouldn’t accept any of my feelings as valid. I will always be that 6 yo child yo her even if I was the prime minister.
Love to you ❤
Another parent here. I hope the estranged children don't have the same thing happen to them. Why does it seem like parents are expected to be perfect but the adult child doesn't have to? We are ALL human beings who sometimes make mistakes believe it or not.
I'm a member of both camps. I'm no contact with my mother and my daughter is no contact with me. My daughter was raised by my mother and they, while not best friends, communicate. It's a long complicated story. While I've been in therapy & received addiction treatment for years, they have not. I can't forget my brother, I'm now no contact with him. I've tried talking with them individually and collectively. The consensus is that I'm "too sensitive".
I'm 62. My kid is 28, my brother 63 & my mother 83.
It's been a long time coming with my mom & brother. I'm shocked by my kid's response. She hasn't even told me why.
I finally understand that there is NOTHING that i am, can do or be, to make them love me. I was "all wrong" from the beginning. My use of drugs made things bearable for a time but the drugs stopped working and only added to my torment.
My brother & daughter learned how to view me through the behaviors/eyes of my mother. (my dad left the family after being there for 38 years) It's been me trying to win acceptance and approval from everyone.
So... I finally tired of being excluded, talked about and shamed. I was in ICU in June and nobody came to visit me. I received a call a piece from my brother and my kid. What an EYE OPENER!!! I🎉 realized that it is now or never. I want to take care of myself to live the best of whatever life is left to me. ❤
@@joann5465 all I have ever wanted is my mother to apologize for the hurt she has caused me! She is not one to apologize for anything! So as a parent myself I have worked hard to make sure my daughters (3 of them) know I love them and if I have hurt them in anyway, I apologize to them! I am making sure I break the cycle that has been happening in the past. I understand my mom’s childhood and I empathize with her! I have tried to understand why she did what she did to me, even as an adult, but I just can’t understand why she refuses to admit her wrongdoing and just apologize. That is all I want but I know I will never receive that and I will be fine! I am still close to my daughters and grandchildren and that is all I need to have a good life. So yes we all make mistakes and nobody is or will be a perfect parent, but we should all be able to try and right the wrong and apologize for whatever we did to cause our children to hurt or feel unloved or unseen.
@@nikstar1313
I grew up w an emotionally, verbally and physically abusive mother (single parent too) after about 3 yrs of on/off therapy, i was educated to all of it. It still depressed me greatly as it reflected how much i had been made to deal with and why i was so insecure etc. I ended up parenting my own mother many times sadly. I DID confront her after i had my 1st child realising just how bad my childhood WAS.
Confronting my mom about the physical my mother conveniently didnt remember it, which infuriated me as it made it seem like she was accusing me of lying. So i warned her that unless she could atone or apologize i didnt want her in my childs life.
Yup!! 4 years no contact and let me go so easily. She is too stubborn and my brother golden child is in a mission to bring down everyone that loves me but they won’t 😂
Narcissistic parent-my mother- don't talk the way you describe. I f they did, we could talk, which is all I ever wanted. My mother will rather not see me than talk! I was truthteller too and she get's very aggressive if I want to talk, and tells me that I am psycologically unstable. I really want her out of my life- and my sister too: they love to stick together and blame me. It still hurts that she don't try to get back to me.
5 years sent I cut off my Family. They ignored me during childhood, as an adult I moved away, went back to try to have a good relationship and within a year I had to walk away from them. Moved across an ocean last year, the peace of knowing that they won’t just drop by has been a blessing. However it still haunts me from time to time. I remind myself:
Own it. Incorporate it. Accept it.
Very similar to my story. At 45 I moved back with my 5 year old. They took 4 months to see us. (We moved 3000 miles to get back). I have to get my own accommodations when I visit. They spend time with my sister and her child but never me and mine. They send me $ on birthdays and Christmas. That's all I get. Money, not love. I haven't talked to them in 7 months.