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Yes it does in one way, but for me, having no family at all in this world is never going to bring me peace as such. I'm divorced & they took my abusive ex husband into the family...had him for meals, visited him, bought him gifts. They also tried turning my now 19 year old daughter against me. Coming up to Christmas is a tough time for me. I have friends but it's not the same as having family. Having absolutely no family at all in this society is never peaceful
Oh yet..... Still have a fear of the phone, a decade since she's been able to call and with dad his motto was no news is good news, least I don't have to answer, with malignant covert mom it was "I'd better", she'd only endlessly ring back if I didn't and no one else in the house going to answer that's for sure, we've up to speed call display! I was slow to get a cell phone, mom gave me a k to purchase one then of course bossed me more easily per availability, my bad!😊
. Sorry for all, hope you treat yourself to something nice, pay me heed to those drama creators, they're dead inside, expect the worst, Xmas is for kids, know this! My daughter, daddy's girl (28) is doing a grass is always greener on the other side, didn't even call Xmas prior, last year here, all very good, now off to Bali for Xmas with him and his family, ridiculous, enjoy your misery meat at Xmas dinner where dog and cat is legally served but they'll suffer London prior, a week long snow storm awaits, I'm giving her a taste of her own medicine which undoubtedly doesn't taste very good, hell is empty all the narcissists are here!
I went no contact at age 60. She just passed away on 4th of October. Felt relief and was grateful she was gone so that she could not hurt anyone again The world is a better place without her. FYI didn’t go to funeral
@@terridillon3053I admire you! I’m 62, and she’s 82. Her game playing is off the charts. I have just about reached my limit, and ready to go no contact. I just want to be free of her. Blessings to you!😌
My mother did all of this for years before I cut off contact because she knew I was mentally and emotionally leaving her. Once I did she turned my entire family against me.
Thank you for this video. My mother is a covert narcissist, and it bothers me that I have to have less contact with her as a daughter, but everything you say is true.
See what’s not on this list? An attempt to genuinely and calmly understand your experience and where you are coming from, validation and a sincere apology with actual changes behavior
I decided to go no contact 3 weeks ago. I was in my mom’s and stepdad’s home “helping” them while one one was recovering from an illness. I overheard them saying horrible things about me. I packed my bag and let them know I heard their conversation about me. They went into complete denial and then rage. After 23 years of this ( their second marriage) I decided I was I completely done. I left and haven’t looked back . My own adult children commented that I appear “lighter.” They are elderly and have pushed all friends and family away. I haven’t heard a word from them or any of the few people they communicate with. I never imagined my walking away from them happening, but enough is enough. I should have done this years ago.
Yes I’ve also overhead mine be this way. It’s hard to realize their self absorption means you don’t get to have a life and they never ask you about your life or show any interest. We have to discern that this is not normal and not the way “loving” families are supposed to be. I spent Thanksgiving alone and in Peace.
I caught/overhead a semi friend saying I'd said such and such, the next morn she says are we good, no I reply, I heard what you said to her and she outright denied it, telling someone else weeks later to whom she said I said such and such to, he added knowing/agreeing it was none of her business, just a sarcastic yet truthful state of affairs on my part that didn't she go and lie again .. People slander, too dumb to know it's the system making them second class citizens not us and bully as a way of feeling superior!
@@TheQueensWishyou are correct! I left my family and job for a full week to help “them.” Our 21 year old is going through radiation treatments right now for a major surgery in August. They never even asked about him and if I mentioned our son, the subject was turned back to their health issues. Thank you so much for your wise comment. I appreciate it.
@@joseenoel8093I agree. I think my two “parents” stopped developing in 7th grade. They are truly geriatric bullies. It’s a sad, but they created their situation. I just happened to be the one family member that held on the longest. Thank you for sharing your experience. These individuals are “real” and their issues can damage others.
@@BR-kk9qu Here is what’s healthy and normal: They should be sending you a handwritten note of thanks. Thanking you for coming and that they realize the deep sacrifices you made to come to their aid. Expressing their love and concern for their grandsons serious health battle. That is how it should go. How disappointing.
Spot on Jerry Wise. I found out they are codependent on you as well, and cutting them out puts them through the same emotional hell they've long threatened you with.
I figure it’s fitting if my mom cuts me out of the inheritance, as I was never part of her will to begin with. She always had other priorities taking precedence over my basic human needs.
Everyone in the immediate family is completely on to my parents' narcissism--their children, their grandchildren, their siblings, and in-laws. They've essentially alienated themselves from everyone at this point.
They demand we self abandon, and that soothes their compulsion. It’s nice to be far away from this and safe since 2020. Couldn’t have done it without you.
If you have been parentified, and made to caretake your parent, going no contact will hurt a LOT. This is because you feel as though you are the parent abandoning a child. You have to remember, you are NOT the parent. You were, are, and always will be the child in this relationship dynamic. You are NOT responsible for the mental, emotional, spiritual or financial well being of your parents, or indeed, any other adult human!
Crazy, today I went to my narcissist mother, and claimend my keys back from her. She is a covert narcissist and violated my privacy. Of course she did all the other bad stuff. I stood for myself and now I see this video, can you read minds? Love your videos, greetings from Germany ❤
My narcissistic mom never acknowledged or apologized for the final thing she did to me when I had her dead to rights. I told her off and then went no contact. Then she feigned confusion and frailty when she hoover called me. She claimed she was returning my call when I hadn't called her. I didn't return her call to explain that I hadn't called her, but told my brother to tell her to stop, that I wasn't buying it or returning her call. Awful woman.
Thank you Jerry. Your videos have played an important role in my understanding of Narcissistic Family Systems. It has broken me all my life that my Mother clearly dislikes me. Understanding my role as the Scapegoat freed me from a deep self hatred based on my Mother's rejection. Fortunately, my older sister is also in therapy and her understanding of her Golden Child role has allowed us to establish a loving sisterly relationship that I always longed for. Thank you Sir. You helped support me in my journey to be my authentic self.
Check. Check. Check. Every single point. To her last days. With NO remorse, and NO interest in changing anything at all. Thanks for this talk. Including with starting each point with stating "What happens with the narcissist when..." Excellent THANK you for saying this!
I literally just experienced this on the phone today. It's wild to see how many of these boxes this family member checks off. The flying monkey, the passive aggressive comments, testing my boundaries, diminishment, the revenge distancing and withholding information about their dire health status, anger at me for having instated a boundary of distance after a domestic situation they tried to pull me into to resolve for them. Yikes. I didn't backdown and I didn't confront though!
This is exactly what happened recently. I went no contact and a couple months later she had my aunt and brother calling me saying I needed to make up with her. I told them I’m not interested and she went in the hospital that night. My brother said our rift is taking a toll on her health and the hate from me needed to stop. I know exactly what she is doing.. looking for attention and also trying to turn them against me.
Same rules for abandoning a narc spouse with a divorce. I got both sides with parents and siblings. Happy to be free 3 years now ❤ my mental heath has never been better. 🙏
Spot on. I honestly cannot imagine what a “healthy” or “normal” reaction would be to an adult child ending a relationship with a parent. Then again, I cannot fathom an average parent possibly doing enough damage over and over and over that their child would go no contact. If you’re watching this video and considering going no contact with your narcissistic parent, DO IT. Do not let guilt or the fear of their wrath stop you! Yes, mine came across several states to continue trying to mess with me. YES- it is so worth it! If I could go back, I’d cut ties sooner!
So glad I ditched those two excuses for parents. If I got a text today saying they were on the deathbed, I wouldn’t feel sad or happy. I’d look at it, delete it and go about my day. 😁
@@realityreacted1Compassion is learned developmentally as a child from their parents. So if he/she was reared in a harsh environment without compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, love, etc, how do you expect that trait now? That’s why he called them two excuses.
I'm waiting for the call and have been practising what I'd say... I know she's been verbally and physically abusive to the staff, well they're earning their salaries, mom's 86 and dementia adds 10 yrs to your life, it's a case of come on already!
@@realityreacted1 Narcissists deserve as much compassion as they have for others, which is none. Children naturally do not lack compassion for their parents. They will suffer the most horrible abuses and forms of neglect by their parents and yet still love them unconditionally until they reach an age and level of discernment that allows them to break free from probably the worst form of emotional manipulation you can imagine a human experiencing throughout their life. I have compassion for my mother insofar as her own childhood circumstances have made her the way she is, but that doesn't mean I have to waste any energy caring about the energy vampire she has become.
So true again… smear campaign and financial control. I was so out of this in my 20s but I got hoovered back for two years like: Finaly they changed finally they love me. But it was just a hoover followed by a new smear campaign. Now I regret to have let this happen - again neglecting myself. I feel so bad 😢 for myself angry
When we acquire (or internalize from parents or teachers) a habit of motivating ourselves by blaming or judging ourselves, then when we try to stop that behavior we tend to repeat it at the meta-level: by getting mad at ourselves, upset with ourselves, disgusted with ourselves for getting mad at ourselves, upset with ourselves, and disgusted with ourselves. What we really need then is the intervention of a stand-up comic.
My sister and I are finally moving away from my mother (we are 62 and 60) We are leaving her in my brother’s care now. She has always had a different relationship with our brothers than with us. We are being guilt tripped not just from her but my brother’s and some friends too. But we need peace in our lives. 😢🙏🏻
My mommy dearest has stated that "people" have told her she's an enabler. As if. She's CLUSTER B with covert narcissist traits and plays the victim, like she was such a good parent, she did the best she could😢. What a bad joke. My father who've already gone no contact with has been silent for 9 years now, he's playing a victim too I'm sure . 🤷🏽♀️
For all of those who haven’t joined Jerry Wise’s program road to self you are wasting your life! I wish I knew all of it years ago, the tools and videos are so helpful
Yeah 58 years later she's just more spiteful and even more bans me from funerals, family events etc and then goes to hospital without telling me for minor ops (because l would help her) so that l look a right selfish cow. I canny win. ❤❤❤
Too sad, but funny how you tell it. When I go into town this week, I am going to use that "right selfish cow" in a conversation. Even if it is with the cashier at WalMart.
I "abandoned" my narcissistic parent when he wanted to operate some 2 person heavy equipment into a blizzard in an avalanche warning when we had several days to wait for better weather. His fatigue was driving him to take risks, pun intended. As a result, I was illegally fired for refusing unsafe work, slandered, lost friends and family due to the smear campaign. It started in 2018 when I, like many others, learned about gaslighting, realized I was gaslit and guilt tripped and I came forward about safety issues and issues with the regulations etc. The problem is that all of our institutions where I live are corrupt and simply joined in the gaslighting. And so my narcissitic parents who I worked for for decades were able to enact reprisal, amounting to financial abuse, lying about future jobs, contract obligations, and the endless smear campaign.
You’re dead to me was pretty much the last thing my mom said to me. And she returned all the letters I wrote to her as a child. I have good days and bad days coping with this.
I would offer the opinion that her "Your dead to me" was her own way of coping. And I don't believe that you are really dead to her any more than she is dead to you. That may be painful, but it also means youre actually alive. I dont think you would really want to be completely free of that. That's something Ive noticed missing from books written about happiness - they neglect to mention that just as much as we want to be happy, we want to experience our lives as meaningful. Because of that, sadness and grief can actually be powerful, valuable experiences. Think of the ending of "Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?" God ... And yet ... meaningful beyond words ... and thankful for having had the experience of seeing it and feeling that deeply ...
My narc mother said the same many times. They have no other tools in the box but this blunt one. They want you to fight to get back with them. They expect you to live for them. Good luck .. its a long haul🎉🎉🎉🎉
Mom would say "I think I do right by you!" Hun? Oh, that's code for "Sorry far and wide", got it, glad I didn't ask for deep meaning of this just thrown out there sentence of hers... I was nice to her cuz it felt natural to be respectful then enough was enough!
Thank you .Surely if the parent made it quite clear from birth that your a thorn in their side,and you finally leave forever there pleased they won. I didnt get any of what you mentioned,that speaks volumes ,no actions,no remorse.ive lost my family as well,never being able to discuss my sadnesses. I know im a lovely person,the parent knew it. Their loss.💪
Jerry, thank you very much for your work. I was shocked when my mother declared to our aquaintances that I was dead, but now I understood it's common behaviour for a narcisist.
After going no contact, my father (covert npd) had send me an email. I do not know what I did wrong, he wrote, but I'm sorry for whatever it was and it won't happen again. My father is not acting from a place of sincere remorse, he's is just trying to win me back. If I accept for sure his toxic behavior will resurface again in a matter of weeks. Been there, got the t-shirt. A dog that bites is a dog that bites.
Once I had my kid it became a lot easier to commit to not abandoning my values in raising her. I'm not going to let her think that insulting people and being pushy is ok or normal.
Im at the point where these types of videos help me to see what is probably going to happen next or what to expect, definitely….and to start thinking ahead
Rather than buying me out of the family business my family evicted me.. The ultimate form of abandonment.. I will always have that eviction on my record.. I was pissed at the judge but really the judge got me out of the family.. Granted my family contacted me a couple times after that but I am not in it anymore.. I really do not need any of them in my life..
As adults, they cannot really be abandoned in the same sense that a child may be abandoned, though that's how they experience it because they are stuck at an infantile or juvenile level. I think it's useful, even important, to draw the distinction. You're not abandoning them, regardless of their big special feels, because you're not responsible for them or obliged to look after them. The relationship is merely ended and you have detached into a permanent state of separation.
I will celebrate when she goes under. Was always a good daughter, a good sibling, person and friend. My refusal to enable her lies, acts, and games, plus being confident and self sufficient, w unshakable resilience, caused her to despise me ? She can rot in hell where she belongs. I'm good, finally.
"There is probably no more terrible instant of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man - with human flesh." - from "Collected Sayings of Muad' Dib" by the Princess Irulan
Rage? Check. Playing the victim? Check check check. Hoovering? Chhheeecck. Smear campaign? No idea (yet 💀) but probably check. The rest I'm sure is coming. Fun times.
Everything that you claim they will do when we abandon them, is what they already did to get themselves abandoned in the first place. We cannot win with these people. One can only lose.
Well, she managed to alienate all the people in her life and my life so we are both totally alone now - not a single friend or family. Just two of us. So I don't have to worry about reputational damage or her making other people support her. Yey for me I guess.
I abandon all, who abandoned me. And it is like when my fate was denial from embryo. I am fated to denial. This is very bad. It is disturbing, causing that a person does not create the Self at all. I literally feel like when my own biological mother was the prison guard who's task was to prohibit, that I create a Self. But the older I got, the smarter and more experienced. I learnt to accept denial like a part of victory. And because I hadn't any Self, I could easily become an Oracle, polytheistic oracle, serving to Gods. My mother has no control anymore over me. This Nemsis is forever beaten and when the Last Judgement comes, I will accuse her of terror and will call for punishment. Same payed with same. Loosing the Self. Justice.
Nursing homes are extremely expensive. I wouldn’t count on an inheritance even under the best of circumstances even with a nice and stable family. My mental health is not for sale. I can’t be bought.
What is so very challenging here, is when you have a narcissistic adult daughter. Before I understood this disorder, I said all those things that a narc parent would say. I didn’t smear her though, while she smeared me. I didn’t do any of the other things, I just cried buckets.
@momikal2238 I'm different to my siblings also. I have well multi coloured brown/light brown hair and green/blue eyes. Mother is Germanic Swedish/ English and blonde hair blue eyed and Dad was dark brown hair and green eyed with olive skin.
Ok. I get all this stuff. I've been NC for yeeeears with my mother, father passed, and I chose to go NC with sibs within the past year. There's one little flying monkey trying to pull me back: a maternal cousin. Because my mother, now 87 (I'm 67 and jUst getting some semblance of regulation in my nervous system) is finally reaping the benefits of smoking, which she picked up again after 20y abstinent. Last year, this cousin (my childhood bff) begged me to call my mother; "her heart is very bad". We were to discuss it @9p one evening. At 855p, I picked up the phone and proceeded to soil myself all over the floor for no overt reason. 😳 I am a fan of Dr. Gabor Maté, so I _KNEW_ ('When the Body Says No'). Ohhhhh no. This. Is. NOT. Safe. I explained what happened, to my cousin. "Well maybe tomorrow when you feel better." Like talking to a tree. More recently, out of the blue, another monkey appeared. My other bff from the Kingdom Hall, as well as high school, calls me. AFTER 45 YEARS, leaves a voicemail. I checked with some exJW folks here on YT. Yup, they're telling them it's ok to reach out now, no longer 100% shunned. Imagine that!! So now, a couple of days ago... (sorry so long, but this is crucial right now)... dear cousin leaves a voicemail, accusatory tone: "I don't know if you care but... your mother has had a stroke. She's in the hospital and can't speak. It looks bad. I think she'd like to hear your voice before she dies!" (spit out bitterly with NYC Italian-Irish accent, it was way worse than I can convey in print, believe me). Then I got a text yesterday about my mother from the friend. I blocked her number. Anybody else dealt with the dying narc? Cuz I'm just getting functional. I cannOt do this. I haven't contacted them. Actually, I stood at the kitchen sink hysterically laughing at the thought that she can't speak. Then I swore a bit... and cried. Not because she's dying. She died to me decades ago, when the last straw was cast. Thoughts??! Thanks.
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Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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When you abandon them, it gives you an opportunity to find peace for the first time in your life ❤
Absolutely 100%
Beautifully said ❤
Yes it does in one way, but for me, having no family at all in this world is never going to bring me peace as such. I'm divorced & they took my abusive ex husband into the family...had him for meals, visited him, bought him gifts. They also tried turning my now 19 year old daughter against me.
Coming up to Christmas is a tough time for me. I have friends but it's not the same as having family. Having absolutely no family at all in this society is never peaceful
Oh yet..... Still have a fear of the phone, a decade since she's been able to call and with dad his motto was no news is good news, least I don't have to answer, with malignant covert mom it was "I'd better", she'd only endlessly ring back if I didn't and no one else in the house going to answer that's for sure, we've up to speed call display! I was slow to get a cell phone, mom gave me a k to purchase one then of course bossed me more easily per availability, my bad!😊
. Sorry for all, hope you treat yourself to something nice, pay me heed to those drama creators, they're dead inside, expect the worst, Xmas is for kids, know this! My daughter, daddy's girl (28) is doing a grass is always greener on the other side, didn't even call Xmas prior, last year here, all very good, now off to Bali for Xmas with him and his family, ridiculous, enjoy your misery meat at Xmas dinner where dog and cat is legally served but they'll suffer London prior, a week long snow storm awaits, I'm giving her a taste of her own medicine which undoubtedly doesn't taste very good, hell is empty all the narcissists are here!
My mother did all of this to me! Im 55 & she is 72. I no longer speak to her. Period.
I went no contact at age 60.
She just passed away on 4th of October. Felt relief and was grateful she was gone so that she could not hurt anyone again
The world is a better place without her.
FYI didn’t go to funeral
@@terridillon3053I admire you! I’m 62, and she’s 82. Her game playing is off the charts. I have just about reached my limit, and ready to go no contact. I just want to be free of her. Blessings to you!😌
My mother did all of this for years before I cut off contact because she knew I was mentally and emotionally leaving her. Once I did she turned my entire family against me.
This video is the story of my life too. 🤪 Minimal contact since 2012 and no contact for past few years. Feels so right. 😊
She had plenty of time while you were an adult to show a different way.
Thank you for this video. My mother is a covert narcissist, and it bothers me that I have to have less contact with her as a daughter, but everything you say is true.
Same here. It’s sad.😔
They lose their shit and blame you for everything that has gone wrong in their lives no matter how obviously self-inflicted it is.
Obviously self inflicted, nice turn of words from own worst enemies.. Nice, the expression has evolved!
See what’s not on this list? An attempt to genuinely and calmly understand your experience and where you are coming from, validation and a sincere apology with actual changes behavior
It's always all about them, such a waste of our time, we can only have continued relationships with them if we're both on board for loving only them!
Forgive them, for Christ they are not 😇
I decided to go no contact 3 weeks ago. I was in my mom’s and stepdad’s home “helping” them while one one was recovering from an illness. I overheard them saying horrible things about me. I packed my bag and let them know I heard their conversation about me. They went into complete denial and then rage. After 23 years of this ( their second marriage) I decided I was I completely done. I left and haven’t looked back . My own adult children commented that I appear “lighter.” They are elderly and have pushed all friends and family away. I haven’t heard a word from them or any of the few people they communicate with. I never imagined my walking away from them happening, but enough is enough. I should have done this years ago.
Yes I’ve also overhead mine be this way. It’s hard to realize their self absorption means you don’t get to have a life and they never ask you about your life or show any interest. We have to discern that this is not normal and not the way “loving” families are supposed to be. I spent Thanksgiving alone and in Peace.
I caught/overhead a semi friend saying I'd said such and such, the next morn she says are we good, no I reply, I heard what you said to her and she outright denied it, telling someone else weeks later to whom she said I said such and such to, he added knowing/agreeing it was none of her business, just a sarcastic yet truthful state of affairs on my part that didn't she go and lie again .. People slander, too dumb to know it's the system making them second class citizens not us and bully as a way of feeling superior!
@@TheQueensWishyou are correct! I left my family and job for a full week to help “them.” Our 21 year old is going through radiation treatments right now for a major surgery in August. They never even asked about him and if I mentioned our son, the subject was turned back to their health issues.
Thank you so much for your wise comment. I appreciate it.
@@joseenoel8093I agree. I think my two “parents” stopped developing in 7th grade. They are truly geriatric bullies. It’s a sad, but they created their situation. I just happened to be the one family member that held on the longest. Thank you for sharing your experience. These individuals are “real” and their issues can damage others.
@@BR-kk9qu Here is what’s healthy and normal: They should be sending you a handwritten note of thanks. Thanking you for coming and that they realize the deep sacrifices you made to come to their aid. Expressing their love and concern for their grandsons serious health battle. That is how it should go. How disappointing.
Spot on Jerry Wise. I found out they are codependent on you as well, and cutting them out puts them through the same emotional hell they've long threatened you with.
I figure it’s fitting if my mom cuts me out of the inheritance, as I was never part of her will to begin with. She always had other priorities taking precedence over my basic human needs.
My mother simply responded with
Have a nice life.
Mine did too smh
It is these kinds of actions that teach me how not to treat my son and daughter.
I guess you kinda let her down lol
They are calling your bluff, thinking you'll be back... their narc-ism makes them think this thinking she is the centre of your world🎉🎉🎉
When I went No Contact.
I don't know what my NM did.
And don't care what NM did. She probably did all of these things.
Thank you, Jerry
Who?
Exactly. I figure, if the extended family is foolish enough to believe them-then what goes around comes around.
@@joseenoel8093NM = narcissistic mother
Everyone in the immediate family is completely on to my parents' narcissism--their children, their grandchildren, their siblings, and in-laws. They've essentially alienated themselves from everyone at this point.
They demand we self abandon, and that soothes their compulsion.
It’s nice to be far away from this and safe since 2020. Couldn’t have done it without you.
If you have been parentified, and made to caretake your parent, going no contact will hurt a LOT. This is because you feel as though you are the parent abandoning a child. You have to remember, you are NOT the parent. You were, are, and always will be the child in this relationship dynamic. You are NOT responsible for the mental, emotional, spiritual or financial well being of your parents, or indeed, any other adult human!
Very good point. Thanks!
Your videos are so helpful, and soothing. ...I also like that shirt... 😊
I also like the goatee 😊
This can be done as grandparents to grandchildren too.
Crazy, today I went to my narcissist mother, and claimend my keys back from her. She is a covert narcissist and violated my privacy. Of course she did all the other bad stuff. I stood for myself and now I see this video, can you read minds? Love your videos, greetings from Germany ❤
I 'like' before I even watch...because I'm wise. Not the renowned 'Jerry Wise', the lower case kind.
😂 Love this!! Me, too!
My narcissistic mom never acknowledged or apologized for the final thing she did to me when I had her dead to rights. I told her off and then went no contact. Then she feigned confusion and frailty when she hoover called me. She claimed she was returning my call when I hadn't called her. I didn't return her call to explain that I hadn't called her, but told my brother to tell her to stop, that I wasn't buying it or returning her call. Awful woman.
My mother does that. She'll call me to tell me she's returning my call. She doesn't seem to know that you have call histories on the phone.
Thank you Jerry. Your videos have played an important role in my understanding of Narcissistic Family Systems. It has broken me all my life that my Mother clearly dislikes me. Understanding my role as the Scapegoat freed me from a deep self hatred based on my Mother's rejection. Fortunately, my older sister is also in therapy and her understanding of her Golden Child role has allowed us to establish a loving sisterly relationship that I always longed for. Thank you Sir. You helped support me in my journey to be my authentic self.
Check. Check. Check. Every single point. To her last days. With NO remorse, and NO interest in changing anything at all.
Thanks for this talk. Including with starting each point with stating "What happens with the narcissist when..." Excellent
THANK you for saying this!
I literally just experienced this on the phone today. It's wild to see how many of these boxes this family member checks off. The flying monkey, the passive aggressive comments, testing my boundaries, diminishment, the revenge distancing and withholding information about their dire health status, anger at me for having instated a boundary of distance after a domestic situation they tried to pull me into to resolve for them. Yikes. I didn't backdown and I didn't confront though!
Thank you.. All in this video sadly apply😒They cannot see it from your side as blame etc is easier.
This is exactly what happened recently. I went no contact and a couple months later she had my aunt and brother calling me saying I needed to make up with her. I told them I’m not interested and she went in the hospital that night. My brother said our rift is taking a toll on her health and the hate from me needed to stop. I know exactly what she is doing.. looking for attention and also trying to turn them against me.
Same rules for abandoning a narc spouse with a divorce. I got both sides with parents and siblings.
Happy to be free 3 years now ❤ my mental heath has never been better. 🙏
Spot on. I honestly cannot imagine what a “healthy” or “normal” reaction would be to an adult child ending a relationship with a parent. Then again, I cannot fathom an average parent possibly doing enough damage over and over and over that their child would go no contact.
If you’re watching this video and considering going no contact with your narcissistic parent, DO IT. Do not let guilt or the fear of their wrath stop you! Yes, mine came across several states to continue trying to mess with me. YES- it is so worth it! If I could go back, I’d cut ties sooner!
So glad I ditched those two excuses for parents. If I got a text today saying they were on the deathbed, I wouldn’t feel sad or happy. I’d look at it, delete it and go about my day. 😁
Have you lost compassion for them?
@@realityreacted1Compassion is learned developmentally as a child from their parents. So if he/she was reared in a harsh environment without compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, love, etc, how do you expect that trait now? That’s why he called them two excuses.
I'm waiting for the call and have been practising what I'd say... I know she's been verbally and physically abusive to the staff, well they're earning their salaries, mom's 86 and dementia adds 10 yrs to your life, it's a case of come on already!
@@realityreacted1 Narcissists deserve as much compassion as they have for others, which is none. Children naturally do not lack compassion for their parents. They will suffer the most horrible abuses and forms of neglect by their parents and yet still love them unconditionally until they reach an age and level of discernment that allows them to break free from probably the worst form of emotional manipulation you can imagine a human experiencing throughout their life.
I have compassion for my mother insofar as her own childhood circumstances have made her the way she is, but that doesn't mean I have to waste any energy caring about the energy vampire she has become.
I think that's called "Pre-grieving". Seriously, it's a thing.
So true again… smear campaign and financial control. I was so out of this in my 20s but I got hoovered back for two years like: Finaly they changed finally they love me. But it was just a hoover followed by a new smear campaign. Now I regret to have let this happen - again neglecting myself. I feel so bad 😢 for myself angry
When we acquire (or internalize from parents or teachers) a habit of motivating ourselves by blaming or judging ourselves, then when we try to stop that behavior we tend to repeat it at the meta-level: by getting mad at ourselves, upset with ourselves, disgusted with ourselves for getting mad at ourselves, upset with ourselves, and disgusted with ourselves.
What we really need then is the intervention of a stand-up comic.
My sister and I are finally moving away from my mother (we are 62 and 60) We are leaving her in my brother’s care now. She has always had a different relationship with our brothers than with us. We are being guilt tripped not just from her but my brother’s and some friends too. But we need peace in our lives. 😢🙏🏻
My mommy dearest has stated that "people" have told her she's an enabler. As if. She's CLUSTER B with covert narcissist traits and plays the victim, like she was such a good parent, she did the best she could😢. What a bad joke.
My father who've already gone no contact with has been silent for 9 years now, he's playing a victim too I'm sure . 🤷🏽♀️
They can't play the victims and say we're good kids too, wouldn't word and less drama, they'd have no point in leaving the house!
For all of those who haven’t joined Jerry Wise’s program road to self you are wasting your life! I wish I knew all of it years ago, the tools and videos are so helpful
Sooooooo true. Thanks dear Jerry.
From Cynthia Ann in JANESVILLE, WI
Yeah 58 years later she's just more spiteful and even more bans me from funerals, family events etc and then goes to hospital without telling me for minor ops (because l would help her) so that l look a right selfish cow. I canny win. ❤❤❤
Too sad, but funny how you tell it. When I go into town this week, I am going to use that "right selfish cow" in a conversation. Even if it is with the cashier at WalMart.
I "abandoned" my narcissistic parent when he wanted to operate some 2 person heavy equipment into a blizzard in an avalanche warning when we had several days to wait for better weather. His fatigue was driving him to take risks, pun intended. As a result, I was illegally fired for refusing unsafe work, slandered, lost friends and family due to the smear campaign.
It started in 2018 when I, like many others, learned about gaslighting, realized I was gaslit and guilt tripped and I came forward about safety issues and issues with the regulations etc. The problem is that all of our institutions where I live are corrupt and simply joined in the gaslighting. And so my narcissitic parents who I worked for for decades were able to enact reprisal, amounting to financial abuse, lying about future jobs, contract obligations, and the endless smear campaign.
You’re dead to me was pretty much the last thing my mom said to me. And she returned all the letters I wrote to her as a child. I have good days and bad days coping with this.
I would offer the opinion that her "Your dead to me" was her own way of coping. And I don't believe that you are really dead to her any more than she is dead to you. That may be painful, but it also means youre actually alive. I dont think you would really want to be completely free of that. That's something Ive noticed missing from books written about happiness - they neglect to mention that just as much as we want to be happy, we want to experience our lives as meaningful. Because of that, sadness and grief can actually be powerful, valuable experiences. Think of the ending of "Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?" God ... And yet ... meaningful beyond words ... and thankful for having had the experience of seeing it and feeling that deeply ...
My narc mother said the same many times. They have no other tools in the box but this blunt one. They want you to fight to get back with them. They expect you to live for them. Good luck .. its a long haul🎉🎉🎉🎉
Compliments to your Videocamera - and a nice shirt !
Feels like Christmas somehow🎄
I went through all of this just because my sorry deadbeat self started becoming a better person and grew a spine.
I'd say that, least you know I've a spine! My goodness criticize for every little thing you'd think they'd be glad to see we had the strength...😊
This video is spot on.
That is so kind of you to offer the training and unsolicited comments ❤
Mom would say "I think I do right by you!" Hun? Oh, that's code for "Sorry far and wide", got it, glad I didn't ask for deep meaning of this just thrown out there sentence of hers... I was nice to her cuz it felt natural to be respectful then enough was enough!
Thank you .Surely if the parent made it quite clear from birth that your a thorn in their side,and you finally leave forever there pleased they won. I didnt get any of what you mentioned,that speaks volumes ,no actions,no remorse.ive lost my family as well,never being able to discuss my sadnesses. I know im a lovely person,the parent knew it. Their loss.💪
Let them have their reactions. Jerry, I would love watching you interview Mel Robbins on your RUclips channel about her Let Them Theory.
Jerry, thank you very much for your work. I was shocked when my mother declared to our aquaintances that I was dead, but now I understood it's common behaviour for a narcisist.
After going no contact, my father (covert npd) had send me an email. I do not know what I did wrong, he wrote, but I'm sorry for whatever it was and it won't happen again.
My father is not acting from a place of sincere remorse, he's is just trying to win me back. If I accept for sure his toxic behavior will resurface again in a matter of weeks. Been there, got the t-shirt. A dog that bites is a dog that bites.
You have helped me enormously. Thank you.
Once I had my kid it became a lot easier to commit to not abandoning my values in raising her. I'm not going to let her think that insulting people and being pushy is ok or normal.
Wow... perfect timing.!
Absolutely spot on with every example
Smh Talk HEAVY 💪🏿 Jerry. It's all ridiculous 🤔🧐🤨
Im at the point where these types of videos help me to see what is probably going to happen next or what to expect, definitely….and to start thinking ahead
Rather than buying me out of the family business my family evicted me.. The ultimate form of abandonment.. I will always have that eviction on my record.. I was pissed at the judge but really the judge got me out of the family.. Granted my family contacted me a couple times after that but I am not in it anymore.. I really do not need any of them in my life..
They will send uncles and aunties to harrass u.
I just explained that one
And their dead sister's kids, apparently.
(In case you see my loooong emergency post lol.)
As adults, they cannot really be abandoned in the same sense that a child may be abandoned, though that's how they experience it because they are stuck at an infantile or juvenile level. I think it's useful, even important, to draw the distinction. You're not abandoning them, regardless of their big special feels, because you're not responsible for them or obliged to look after them. The relationship is merely ended and you have detached into a permanent state of separation.
wow this is both my parents
A narcissistic family system. It could even extend farther.
@TheQueensWish oh it does sis, it frikin does
Dead on!
Luckily, I forced them to abandon me, so I dont have any of these problems. ...
Yet.🐤
Lol I did the same thing although at the time didn't realize it. Seriously pushed their buttons. Ah well, even steven ... 😁
Thank you..this video really hit hard for me...but its the truth..I needed to hear
Spot on as always. Thank you so much ❤
❤thank you 🙏🏻
I will celebrate when she goes under. Was always a good daughter, a good sibling, person and friend. My refusal to enable her lies, acts, and games, plus being confident and self sufficient, w unshakable resilience, caused her to despise me ? She can rot in hell where she belongs. I'm good, finally.
So clear and concise!
"There is probably no more terrible instant of enlightenment than the one in which you discover your father is a man - with human flesh."
- from "Collected Sayings of Muad' Dib" by the Princess Irulan
Rage? Check. Playing the victim? Check check check. Hoovering? Chhheeecck. Smear campaign? No idea (yet 💀) but probably check. The rest I'm sure is coming. Fun times.
Feels like you know my parents
Had to go NO CONTACT for my own safety upon the death of Mom. Still hurts, but the right decision! He used ALL tricks, 2!😮
Everything that you claim they will do when we abandon them, is what they already did to get themselves abandoned in the first place. We cannot win with these people. One can only lose.
Well, she managed to alienate all the people in her life and my life so we are both totally alone now - not a single friend or family. Just two of us. So I don't have to worry about reputational damage or her making other people support her. Yey for me I guess.
You realize "love" just conditional, they will take sides w the innocent victim narcissist😢
Mental health issues and everything is blown up and all of a sudden you get attention you don't want
They will triangulate!
God bless you all.I suffered this all my life,iam 69.However!You are worth the effort too recover!
I abandon all, who abandoned me. And it is like when my fate was denial from embryo. I am fated to denial. This is very bad. It is disturbing, causing that a person does not create the Self at all. I literally feel like when my own biological mother was the prison guard who's task was to prohibit, that I create a Self. But the older I got, the smarter and more experienced. I learnt to accept denial like a part of victory. And because I hadn't any Self, I could easily become an Oracle, polytheistic oracle, serving to Gods. My mother has no control anymore over me. This Nemsis is forever beaten and when the Last Judgement comes, I will accuse her of terror and will call for punishment. Same payed with same. Loosing the Self. Justice.
When you abandon them you lose your inheritance
We already got our inheritance. Hate, resentment, abuse.
Nursing homes are extremely expensive. I wouldn’t count on an inheritance even under the best of circumstances even with a nice and stable family.
My mental health is not for sale. I can’t be bought.
😂we all have a right to lie 😂😂...the narcissists truth lol
What is so very challenging here, is when you have a narcissistic adult daughter. Before I understood this disorder, I said all those things that a narc parent would say. I didn’t smear her though, while she smeared me. I didn’t do any of the other things, I just cried buckets.
How did it happen that she developed NPD?
@ that is a great question. I have several possible explanations, but they are just theories.
Jerry , What about narcissistic stalking?
This is all thanksgiving dinner with the siblings.
You can sue the narc for character defamation or slander.
Sounds messy and not worth it
@@TheREALLibertyOrDeath True. But if it is blatant and extreme enough. It might be worth it. Of course, get good advice from an atty.
Are you using my life story to make this video? This is all very true.
My mother the victim has always rejected me cos I look like my dad. Pathetic.
I’m guilty of being a blonde. My mom and Golden child are brunettes!
@momikal2238 I'm different to my siblings also. I have well multi coloured brown/light brown hair and green/blue eyes. Mother is Germanic Swedish/ English and blonde hair blue eyed and Dad was dark brown hair and green eyed with olive skin.
Ok. I get all this stuff. I've been NC for yeeeears with my mother, father passed, and I chose to go NC with sibs within the past year.
There's one little flying monkey trying to pull me back: a maternal cousin. Because my mother, now 87 (I'm 67 and jUst getting some semblance of regulation in my nervous system) is finally reaping the benefits of smoking, which she picked up again after 20y abstinent.
Last year, this cousin (my childhood bff) begged me to call my mother; "her heart is very bad". We were to discuss it @9p one evening. At 855p, I picked up the phone and proceeded to soil myself all over the floor for no overt reason. 😳
I am a fan of Dr. Gabor Maté, so I _KNEW_ ('When the Body Says No'). Ohhhhh no. This. Is. NOT. Safe.
I explained what happened, to my cousin. "Well maybe tomorrow when you feel better." Like talking to a tree.
More recently, out of the blue, another monkey appeared. My other bff from the Kingdom Hall, as well as high school, calls me. AFTER 45 YEARS, leaves a voicemail. I checked with some exJW folks here on YT. Yup, they're telling them it's ok to reach out now, no longer 100% shunned. Imagine that!!
So now, a couple of days ago... (sorry so long, but this is crucial right now)... dear cousin leaves a voicemail, accusatory tone: "I don't know if you care but... your mother has had a stroke. She's in the hospital and can't speak. It looks bad. I think she'd like to hear your voice before she dies!" (spit out bitterly with NYC Italian-Irish accent, it was way worse than I can convey in print, believe me).
Then I got a text yesterday about my mother from the friend. I blocked her number.
Anybody else dealt with the dying narc? Cuz I'm just getting functional. I cannOt do this. I haven't contacted them. Actually, I stood at the kitchen sink hysterically laughing at the thought that she can't speak. Then I swore a bit... and cried. Not because she's dying. She died to me decades ago, when the last straw was cast.
Thoughts??!
Thanks.
Because they have abandonment trauma.
What school do they go to, to learn this, because it's almost comical how every box is checked, in order!? 😏
Compulsory Education is intrinsically narcissistic. Its all about what the adults want.
Does it ever end? Do we ever get the chance to be normal or have a normal life ever again?
Yes!! jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com.
❤
Who?
🐝🦉🤗