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I went no contact.. got suck back in and now no contact for the second time and im doing great! Only a couple of months in.. stay strong and don’t get suck back in
I joined the US Army when I was 18 years-old. I should have went no contact with them then, but I waited until I was 22 years-old to go no contact with my mother and 35 years-old to go no contact with my father.
Yes it does in one way, but for me, having no family at all in this world is never going to bring me peace as such. I'm divorced & they took my abusive ex husband into the family...had him for meals, visited him, bought him gifts. They also tried turning my now 19 year old daughter against me. Coming up to Christmas is a tough time for me. I have friends but it's not the same as having family. Having absolutely no family at all in this society is never peaceful
Oh yet..... Still have a fear of the phone, a decade since she's been able to call and with dad his motto was no news is good news, least I don't have to answer, with malignant covert mom it was "I'd better", she'd only endlessly ring back if I didn't and no one else in the house going to answer that's for sure, we've up to speed call display! I was slow to get a cell phone, mom gave me a k to purchase one then of course bossed me more easily per availability, my bad!😊
. Sorry for all, hope you treat yourself to something nice, pay me heed to those drama creators, they're dead inside, expect the worst, Xmas is for kids, know this! My daughter, daddy's girl (28) is doing a grass is always greener on the other side, didn't even call Xmas prior, last year here, all very good, now off to Bali for Xmas with him and his family, ridiculous, enjoy your misery meat at Xmas dinner where dog and cat is legally served but they'll suffer London prior, a week long snow storm awaits, I'm giving her a taste of her own medicine which undoubtedly doesn't taste very good, hell is empty all the narcissists are here!
I just spent my first no contact thanksgiving. It was great to feel self respect. I refuse to abandon myself anymore. No more contact. I’ve had enough.
I went no contact at age 60. She just passed away on 4th of October. Felt relief and was grateful she was gone so that she could not hurt anyone again The world is a better place without her. FYI didn’t go to funeral
@@terridillon3053I admire you! I’m 62, and she’s 82. Her game playing is off the charts. I have just about reached my limit, and ready to go no contact. I just want to be free of her. Blessings to you!😌
My mother did all of this for years before I cut off contact because she knew I was mentally and emotionally leaving her. Once I did she turned my entire family against me.
If you have been parentified, and made to caretake your parent, going no contact will hurt a LOT. This is because you feel as though you are the parent abandoning a child. You have to remember, you are NOT the parent. You were, are, and always will be the child in this relationship dynamic. You are NOT responsible for the mental, emotional, spiritual or financial well being of your parents, or indeed, any other adult human!
This is so true. I've felt so guilty, and terrified. How will they survive without me? I've 'abandoned' them both but in reality that relationship was killing me
Yup cut narc mom off a year ago then she started a smear campaign and turned ALL my relatives against me. I have no one left but the peace that comes with it is indescribable.
that's what i'm about to do and i'm bracing myself. narcs are predictable. the only sadness that i feel is losing my nieces and nephews :( I'm going to miss them so very much. they're teenagers...too young to truly grasp what's going on and unfortunately will only hear their toxic parents side of the story. i'm heartbroken about never seeing them again. The other relatives, the adults, have enabled my mom for many years and have bullied me and smeared me time and time again mocking me, belittling my autoimmune disease and struggles. i have no problems cutting ties with all 5 siblings. Ughh but my nieces and nephews. tough pill to swallow.
@@cindy7733I understand. It's hard at first, grieving something still living, and grieving something you never had. You won't be able to attend family funerals and get reminders of it all year, birthdays, Christmas etc it takes guts
@@TracyNewton-q3b Absolutely. And sometimes I fear making such an extreme decision and often think about going super low contact instead but I don't think I'll ever have peace if I do that. They will find ways to slither their ways into my life and wreak havoc. I think it's time to move forward...no looking back. Many don't realize what a difficult decision going no contact really is.
@@cindy7733 🌺 hi Cindy. Don't forget they trauma bond us. They also love bomb and dismiss our boundaries. How about, doing it, and see their reaction? Or just slowly retract from contact without explanations? Maybe start a dated journal, write down your feelings and how you dealt with them. Please don't tell anyone close to them or other family or friends, of your thinking of no contact. The behaviours will esculate if they get a whiff of you abandoning them. Break the cycle of family envy try and focus on your journey of peace. Trust me, after three years you will be nearly healed. Don't waste time. Let's see how they react first,maybe, phone record and video communications. You may think your going mad now, your not. your just a source of supply /energy good or bad. All the very best, you've got this. 💝
@TracyNewton-q3b Thank you so much! Yes the trauma bond is crazy and the crossing of boundaries and dismissing of feelings is constant. I'm very tired. I need space and solitude to regain my strength. They have sucked the life out of me.
Violets are blue, roses are red, I no longer fear them, because they're both dead. I am healing quite nicely. Thank you Jerry for speaking the truth and helping all of us to heal!
I love your poem. My narcissist parent is not dead. I do believe it would be easier to have a full break that way. As it is I spend a lot of wasted energy worrying and terrified of having to interact because it is so painful. Having to separate and go no contact has been tremendously helpful but I still have to grieve and do the work as IF they have died. The fact that they are still here makes it ever present. I’m happy for you and wish you great peace.
My psychologist told me that the effects of your issues will continue to be with you even after the narcissist(s) die, unless you deal with these issues inside you which can affect all your relationships.
@englishwithteacheradgie4699 I wish you peace as well. Keep working on it, you will get to where you need to be. Be brave. They might not get better but you must.
@@bernadettenelson6843the point is that once these abusers die, you will not be retraumatized and have a safe space to start healing from their cult control. ❤️🩹
They do, even if by being nervous all their life created a disease, it is on us!!! 😅 that was the first time that I laughed so hard and loud, that I almost lost my breath 😂 my mom was furious 😅
I was slowly breaking away from my mother. She rang me one evening and tried everything from love bombing, to promises, to threats, before screaming "I have cancer!" & then hanging up. I spent about 3 months in emotional torment before talking to her again. She didn't know what I meant when I asked her how she was feeling. Eventually I asked her, I thought u said u had cancer! There was a few seconds of silence. Oh I'm better now, she said. She had forgotten her own lie. That was the turning point for me.
Spot on. I honestly cannot imagine what a “healthy” or “normal” reaction would be to an adult child ending a relationship with a parent. Then again, I cannot fathom an average parent possibly doing enough damage over and over and over that their child would go no contact. If you’re watching this video and considering going no contact with your narcissistic parent, DO IT. Do not let guilt or the fear of their wrath stop you! Yes, mine came across several states to continue trying to mess with me. YES- it is so worth it! If I could go back, I’d cut ties sooner!
@@tnt01Oh so much more vindictive. She befriended my new mother in law, took my MIL on a trip to Ireland to watch her “give a talk” about her profession, built up her credibility and appearance so that when the time was right (my now ex husband became abusive, kicked him out and he went about as insane as my mother did on a monthly basis growing up), they teamed up to call cps and get the kids taken from me. Any judge is going to disbelieve an abusive man alone. Be skeptical if him and his mother make accusations of a victim. But add in the victim’s own mother and you can forget it. I didn’t know the extent of the games being played and after the kids were taken, i re engaged with my NM for a very short time, desperately looking for support. I didn’t call her back within 12 hrs while away at a wedding, so she called the cps worker and claimed i was diagnosed bipolar as a teen. Took two full psych evals to get the kids back with JOINT custody. They aren’t human. If demons are real, my mother is one.
I had to abandon my siblings also in our narcissistic family… I am the family scapegoat, and they are neither respected or believed… it was sad but necessary
I walked away in the Summer of 2016 at the age of 49. I had wasted the best years of my life on my Narcissistic mother! I went NO CONTACT, and refused to be pulled back in; and they did try!!!! (Except no remorse, apology, or gifts.) Just guilt, hate and attacks on my reputation. Also gang stalking, harassment, etc. I'm sure later she (and the step family) rewrote the truth to say they dumped me. I don't care!!! I broke free. I accepted the TRUTH; she NEVER cared about me, or loved me. I've moved on, and moved a thousand miles away! I'll NEVER go back!!! I don't care what she and her flying monkeys do. I'M DONE!!! I've accepted she is NEVER going to change. It will ALWAYS be her power plays. I went through everything you say in this video. And more!!! I will NEVER go back. Nor will I EVER allow them back into my life. I'm pushing 60 today, and I've decided my final years will be spent in peace and quiet.
I wanted to reply and say this, there are people who you least expect, who will support you and not the narc. Narcissists make a lot of problems for themselves. Wish you happiness.
I decided to go no contact 3 weeks ago. I was in my mom’s and stepdad’s home “helping” them while one one was recovering from an illness. I overheard them saying horrible things about me. I packed my bag and let them know I heard their conversation about me. They went into complete denial and then rage. After 23 years of this ( their second marriage) I decided I was I completely done. I left and haven’t looked back . My own adult children commented that I appear “lighter.” They are elderly and have pushed all friends and family away. I haven’t heard a word from them or any of the few people they communicate with. I never imagined my walking away from them happening, but enough is enough. I should have done this years ago.
Yes I’ve also overhead mine be this way. It’s hard to realize their self absorption means you don’t get to have a life and they never ask you about your life or show any interest. We have to discern that this is not normal and not the way “loving” families are supposed to be. I spent Thanksgiving alone and in Peace.
I caught/overhead a semi friend saying I'd said such and such, the next morn she says are we good, no I reply, I heard what you said to her and she outright denied it, telling someone else weeks later to whom she said I said such and such to, he added knowing/agreeing it was none of her business, just a sarcastic yet truthful state of affairs on my part that didn't she go and lie again .. People slander, too dumb to know it's the system making them second class citizens not us and bully as a way of feeling superior!
@@TheQueensWishyou are correct! I left my family and job for a full week to help “them.” Our 21 year old is going through radiation treatments right now for a major surgery in August. They never even asked about him and if I mentioned our son, the subject was turned back to their health issues. Thank you so much for your wise comment. I appreciate it.
@@joseenoel8093I agree. I think my two “parents” stopped developing in 7th grade. They are truly geriatric bullies. It’s a sad, but they created their situation. I just happened to be the one family member that held on the longest. Thank you for sharing your experience. These individuals are “real” and their issues can damage others.
@@BR-kk9qu Here is what’s healthy and normal: They should be sending you a handwritten note of thanks. Thanking you for coming and that they realize the deep sacrifices you made to come to their aid. Expressing their love and concern for their grandsons serious health battle. That is how it should go. How disappointing.
Idk about you guys but I've learned more from Jerry Wise than I've ever learned through decades of therapy. Jerry has made a huge difference in my life and I'm very grateful.
Thank you for this video. My mother is a covert narcissist, and it bothers me that I have to have less contact with her as a daughter, but everything you say is true.
Same here also. Covert narcissist mother. Mine is currently trying everything to 'win me back' as I self-differentiate more and more effectively. It's always painful and is played out on repeat every day. I can feel her pain as her efforts fail repeatedly. And I know its just going to get tougher, requiring ever more wearying effort from me, But you can't surrender. You just can't. And I won't. It's good to know I'm not alone, because its incredibly isolating.
As adults, they cannot really be abandoned in the same sense that a child may be abandoned, though that's how they experience it because they are stuck at an infantile or juvenile level. I think it's useful, even important, to draw the distinction. You're not abandoning them, regardless of their big special feels, because you're not responsible for them or obliged to look after them. The relationship is merely ended and you have detached into a permanent state of separation.
@@jochandler1180 I really appreciate that. I almost said that I hope you find your peace, but hope really doesn't have much to do with it; it's down to the decisions you make. So I'll say may you take the path of your choosing, instead.
You’re dead to me was pretty much the last thing my mom said to me. And she returned all the letters I wrote to her as a child. I have good days and bad days coping with this.
My narc mother said the same many times. They have no other tools in the box but this blunt one. They want you to fight to get back with them. They expect you to live for them. Good luck .. its a long haul🎉🎉🎉🎉
I figure it’s fitting if my mom cuts me out of the inheritance, as I was never part of her will to begin with. She always had other priorities taking precedence over my basic human needs.
I "abandoned" my father when I was 19 and moved out to live on my own with a roommate and $2.10/hour working part time at McDonald's. I thought he would finally be proud of me. Nope. He went silent. When I went back to tell my parents I was pregnant and getting married to provide for my child, I thought he would be happy for the good decision I was making. Nope, he wanted me to abort his grandson. When I got a Master's Degree in Marriage & Family Therapy, I thought he would at least come to my graduation. Not a chance. He wanted me to become a Doctor or Lawyer and make lots of money. When I went back to visit after my marriage was over and my kids were grown and asked him to knock before entering the bedroom when I was asleep, he called me mentally ill and threatened to write me out of the will only my mom had fed into with her meager job. When he was old and on his way out, he told me he would like to get to know me for real after all the years of ignoring me. Too little, too late, I thought.
Same rules for abandoning a narc spouse with a divorce. I got both sides with parents and siblings. Happy to be free 3 years now ❤ my mental heath has never been better. 🙏
See what’s not on this list? An attempt to genuinely and calmly understand your experience and where you are coming from, validation and a sincere apology with actual changes behavior
@@MarkV-j5jmy covert narc mother and enabling codependent dad cloak themselves in the church. Outwardly they look like the sweet, loving, elders. The noble school graduates, who support groups and fund the most popular church events and projects. Host pastor families and missionaries. Behind closed doors, they were physically abusive. Emotionally and mentally abusive. They gossip and spread rumours the moment the person is out the door. Highly judgmental and full of pride. They encourage their church to join most denominations in pushing mandates and social segregation. Alienating and bullying anyone who didn’t comply. They firmly believe they are far more godly than others. Covert narc mom has a gift of breaking people and making them cry, and they feel guilty after. Apologizing for ‘being emotional’… friends, family, grandkids…. You’re correct, they are not Christ. Tares? Or perhaps something darker lurks inside- they are not OF Christ, and their motive is insidious.
@@MarkV-j5j “Christ they are not” Obv evil ppl work on behalf of satan. I will never “ forgive her”. I let that up to God. He decides her fate when her time comes. As earth beings, know thy enemy.
Once I had my kid it became a lot easier to commit to not abandoning my values in raising her. I'm not going to let her think that insulting people and being pushy is ok or normal.
My narcissistic mom never acknowledged or apologized for the final thing she did to me when I had her dead to rights. I told her off and then went no contact. Then she feigned confusion and frailty when she hoover called me. She claimed she was returning my call when I hadn't called her. I didn't return her call to explain that I hadn't called her, but told my brother to tell her to stop, that I wasn't buying it or returning her call. Awful woman.
My narcissistic parents stayed pretty quiet - totally absorbed in themselves - even when I stayed away for most of the last 20 years of my father's life because he was so emotionally abusive. I really relate to when you say, "be careful not to abandon yourself," because the recovery process for me repairing the relationship with myself has been the toughest of all. I'm pretty sure I will be on that for the rest of my life now - even while I keep discovering more and more beauty in myself and the world around me step by step every day. Thank you Jerry
My malignant mother alienated me from everyone in my family - now she's trying to reel back. The biggest challenge after having accepted and adapted to this reality - is moving through the deep hatred I feel toward her, wholly justified I might add. As you know Jerry, this torment begins in childhood and never ends. I feel no guilt whatsoever. Why would I? I was only ever good to this woman - which of course only motivated her to amp up her abuse because people like this see kindness as weakness. My only regret was ever trying, and my advice to anyone who can relate to this - they're like alcoholics. The disease of their character disorder only gets worse with time, and the orbit of their destruction only brings more people down with it. Run!!!
I just feel sad for her from a distance. Ps her consistent explanation for anything that happens to me is my kindness is my greatest Weakness. Kindness is my greatest virtue,and if I didn't express it in my life I would have run away run away run away.......
As I watched this I slowly got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as you listed all of these off. I know every one of them all too well. It’s weird how once you know what you didn’t know you still keep wondering, thinking and playing it all over and over. 😢
All of these are so painful. Mine acts as if I’ve abandoned her because I’ve been trying to learn emotional detachment. She believes I need to be her mini me, yes woman, look and like all the same things she does. She ignored my gift, had a look of disgust for sharing a different preference of style and was cold as ice to me over the holiday for saying no to her mlm. I’ve said no after being asked countless times and she still has to wear me down and then has resentment for it. To this day, my mom has never forgiven me for using a different cleanser. Yes, ridiculous but true and still brings up how I defied her. I will always be a failure to her
@@ritalawson7020 Trying to maintain minimal contact, for the sake of seeing my dad and not wanting to lose my entire family. It is very difficult. He unfortunately thinks I’m now heartless too, even though he too has been emotionally abused and she has made her sister cry over mean accusations
thank you for your kind words. What’s so sad is I really love my mom and she does not believe I do because I have distanced myself. I pray we can get through these difficulties@@momotruth300
Spot on Jerry Wise. I found out they are codependent on you as well, and cutting them out puts them through the same emotional hell they've long threatened you with.
They demand we self abandon, and that soothes their compulsion. It’s nice to be far away from this and safe since 2020. Couldn’t have done it without you.
This is exactly what happened recently. I went no contact and a couple months later she had my aunt and brother calling me saying I needed to make up with her. I told them I’m not interested and she went in the hospital that night. My brother said our rift is taking a toll on her health and the hate from me needed to stop. I know exactly what she is doing.. looking for attention and also trying to turn them against me.
Ughh. Don't let your brother or anyone else manipulate you into thinking that you caused her hospitalization! That sounds EXACTLY like something my flying monkey siblings would do too! You have nothing to do with her health. That's on her.
@@TM-dh8um I know exactly how you feel when you say “dread”. It’s stomach turning. These videos help so much. I have to start watching again when I start feeling weak and it reminds me of the truth.
Check. Check. Check. Every single point. To her last days. With NO remorse, and NO interest in changing anything at all. Thanks for this talk. Including with starting each point with stating "What happens with the narcissist when..." Excellent THANK you for saying this!
Crazy, today I went to my narcissist mother, and claimend my keys back from her. She is a covert narcissist and violated my privacy. Of course she did all the other bad stuff. I stood for myself and now I see this video, can you read minds? Love your videos, greetings from Germany ❤
My sister and I are finally moving away from my mother (we are 62 and 60) We are leaving her in my brother’s care now. She has always had a different relationship with our brothers than with us. We are being guilt tripped not just from her but my brother’s and some friends too. But we need peace in our lives. 😢🙏🏻
I'm so glad you have your sister's support. Glad you have each other! I'm 53 and I know EXACTLY what you mean. The older the narc parent gets the more their flying monkeys guilt trip you. Society does too! People who have NO clue what you have been through will automatically assume you are abandoning her and think it's your job to take care of her. Let them! You need peace of mind. You need healing. You need to be allowed to be you! It's oxygen mask time! Think of an airplane that's crashing. You must grab your oxygen mask first before even thinking of helping others. Time to take care of your own needs. xo
@@veronicasalas2666 I'm so sorry. :( You don't deserve to be treated like that. You don't deserve to live a life where you are crying because of your heartless and entitled mother. I know this all too well. Believe me I can't even tell you how many times my mother and toxic family members have belittled me and made me weep uncontrollably. It's not a way to live! And God doesn't want you to live this way either. So don't let your mom or your brothers try to manipulate you or guilt you into taking care of her. And yes, my brothers get treated soooo differently, as well. What is it with narc mothers and their sons? Let the ones who she dotes over so much take care of her. You and your sister deserve to live in peace. I'm glad you have each other! Get out of there whenever you can. And don't look back. Pray for her from a distance. But move forward and start living the life you were meant to. I'm sending you heartfelt hugs!!!!! I'm proud of you!!! You got this! And I'm here if you ever need to vent! xoxo
When I went no contact with my father it was him doing it to me actually. I was finally able to tell him when I was 23 that my husband and child come first. I was so proud of myself. He was not. He left my house and immediately started a smear campaign against me. Trying to get me back under his control. It happened just as Jerry says. I lost everyone in my family over this. 20 ish people all disenherited me saying I was no longer part of the family. Only my two brothers and mom where the only ones to stay connected to me. It's been 17 years and it's mostly quiet from the flying monkeys. From time to time he will try something to get me back under his control. Stay strong, their huffing and puffing will get less extreme with time. Yes he says I'm no longer in his will. I find that to be a small price to pay for some peace. Stay strong when it comes to ur narcissist. This too shall pass. Observe don't absorb.
The ones who disinherited you weren’t supposed to remain in your life. Their season in your life is over. Sad process of elimination, but puts people where they belong. Think countries with boundary lines.
Oh my Holy Goodness. This is my mother. You seems to know her better than anyone else. She died in 1999. As her daughter she admit to me she hated me and ask on her deadbed forgiveness and was very soft and sweet. Than she get better and the moment she felt better, all the drama start all over again. Till she get weak again and ask for forgiveness. At that time I was a young woman and did not understand. You explain this very deep knot inside me and listening to you let me heal. Thank you so so much Jery Wise for sharing and being as you are, perfect lovely soul.
I havent talked to my narcissist father for 20 years. And yeah he tries to manipulate other fam members to reconnect with me. The hardest part is that other members dont understand why i dont talk to him. Its like im the only one who see him as he truly is
They most likely see it. When others have the same demons, they’re going to side with the stronger demon they’re under. The cause is their low vibration due to lack of character, personal accountability and integrity. No contact.
Thank you Jerry. Your videos have played an important role in my understanding of Narcissistic Family Systems. It has broken me all my life that my Mother clearly dislikes me. Understanding my role as the Scapegoat freed me from a deep self hatred based on my Mother's rejection. Fortunately, my older sister is also in therapy and her understanding of her Golden Child role has allowed us to establish a loving sisterly relationship that I always longed for. Thank you Sir. You helped support me in my journey to be my authentic self.
It's bizarre reading a description of my own life from a perfect stranger. I'm so happy for you and your sister. I hope my brother will eventually see our mother for who she really is. I was the scapegoat/black sheep but she rotated him from being the golden child, to being ignored or just punished, back to being the golden child, only to be pushed aside again. At least I've known deep down all along that my own mother hates me. He didn't have a clue, still doesn't it seems 😢
Everyone in the immediate family is completely on to my parents' narcissism--their children, their grandchildren, their siblings, and in-laws. They've essentially alienated themselves from everyone at this point.
They go ballistic. They start guilt tripping you and bring up incidents that go back 10 or 20 years. When mine went back 40 (that was before I was born) then I knew they bat sh** crazy. Moved 3,000 miles away and haven't looked back. 😁
😄 It still happens sometimes to me too... I mean, their pre-birth guilt tripping. I think it's when narcissism ( + sociopathy and more) meets memory issues because of aging....
Omg yes!!! The guilt tripping and bringing up stuff (good, bad, it doesn’t matter) from WAY in the past! What’s up with that? I feel like I can’t just have a relationship with her because she’s always comparing things to the past, 20 years ago. We have whole new lives now. It’s all the time 😔
So glad I ditched those two excuses for parents. If I got a text today saying they were on the deathbed, I wouldn’t feel sad or happy. I’d look at it, delete it and go about my day. 😁
@@realityreacted1Compassion is learned developmentally as a child from their parents. So if he/she was reared in a harsh environment without compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, love, etc, how do you expect that trait now? That’s why he called them two excuses.
I'm waiting for the call and have been practising what I'd say... I know she's been verbally and physically abusive to the staff, well they're earning their salaries, mom's 86 and dementia adds 10 yrs to your life, it's a case of come on already!
@@realityreacted1 Narcissists deserve as much compassion as they have for others, which is none. Children naturally do not lack compassion for their parents. They will suffer the most horrible abuses and forms of neglect by their parents and yet still love them unconditionally until they reach an age and level of discernment that allows them to break free from probably the worst form of emotional manipulation you can imagine a human experiencing throughout their life. I have compassion for my mother insofar as her own childhood circumstances have made her the way she is, but that doesn't mean I have to waste any energy caring about the energy vampire she has become.
Thank you .Surely if the parent made it quite clear from birth that your a thorn in their side,and you finally leave forever there pleased they won. I didnt get any of what you mentioned,that speaks volumes ,no actions,no remorse.ive lost my family as well,never being able to discuss my sadnesses. I know im a lovely person,the parent knew it. Their loss.💪
My parents didn't make one phone call to me but called the resident mngr of my apt bldg to get information on me! They claimed that they were concerned and worried because I hadn't called them in awhile. I was very angry with the mngr because I feel that she really had no business talking about me. Don't these people wonder why parents are calling them instead of us! What's normal about that. I mean they don't even know her. 🤷 I told her that if they called again she doesn't have my permission to talk them. How many fires do we have to put out.
After going no contact, my father (covert npd) had send me an email. I do not know what I did wrong, he wrote, but I'm sorry for whatever it was and it won't happen again. My father is not acting from a place of sincere remorse, he's is just trying to win me back. If I accept for sure his toxic behavior will resurface again in a matter of weeks. Been there, got the t-shirt. A dog that bites is a dog that bites.
I literally just experienced this on the phone today. It's wild to see how many of these boxes this family member checks off. The flying monkey, the passive aggressive comments, testing my boundaries, diminishment, the revenge distancing and withholding information about their dire health status, anger at me for having instated a boundary of distance after a domestic situation they tried to pull me into to resolve for them. Yikes. I didn't backdown and I didn't confront though!
So true again… smear campaign and financial control. I was so out of this in my 20s but I got hoovered back for two years like: Finaly they changed finally they love me. But it was just a hoover followed by a new smear campaign. Now I regret to have let this happen - again neglecting myself. I feel so bad 😢 for myself angry
Everything that you claim they will do when we abandon them, is what they already did to get themselves abandoned in the first place. We cannot win with these people. One can only lose.
I "abandoned" my narcissistic parent when he wanted to operate some 2 person heavy equipment into a blizzard in an avalanche warning when we had several days to wait for better weather. His fatigue was driving him to take risks, pun intended. As a result, I was illegally fired for refusing unsafe work, slandered, lost friends and family due to the smear campaign. It started in 2018 when I, like many others, learned about gaslighting, realized I was gaslit and guilt tripped and I came forward about safety issues and issues with the regulations etc. The problem is that all of our institutions where I live are corrupt and simply joined in the gaslighting. And so my narcissitic parents who I worked for for decades were able to enact reprisal, amounting to financial abuse, lying about future jobs, contract obligations, and the endless smear campaign.
My mommy dearest has stated that "people" have told her she's an enabler. As if. She's CLUSTER B with covert narcissist traits and plays the victim, like she was such a good parent, she did the best she could😢. What a bad joke. My father who've already gone no contact with has been silent for 9 years now, he's playing a victim too I'm sure . 🤷🏽♀️
I wish my husband comes across your videos one day and starts to understand how his parents have ruined him, Jerry. After 24 yrs, I gave up and left knowing it's not going to happen and hoping and waiting for that day was killing me slowly each day.
It took me several times to abandon my mom. Guilt and shame always made me go back. But when I turned 56 and thought about how she could live another 20 years and me being 76 if she finally died - something clicked and I just couldn't do it anymore. She was furious but this time I didn't care. I'm 58 now and slowly learning to have a normal, trusting relationship with myself. I use IFS therapy by myself and it works. I'm starting to live instead of surviving.
Thank you for this breakdown. Even though I went no contact years ago, the effort to "get me back" is revived at the holidays when more distant and clueless family members are in town at their house (we still live in the same town). The "flying monkey" activity ramps up. The health scares. The emotional appeals. Most of what you described. One of the most peaceful holiday times I ever had was when my husband and I celebrated the holidays abroad. Time to do that again!
The manipulation techniques (e.g. guilt) no longer work: if they had acted better, we wouldn't be in this situation. And I am not responsible for their lies and half truths and past manipulation etc.
Right after my dad died, two months ago, my narcissistic mom started telling me and my aunt (her sister) how well she took care of me, how she drove me to school everyday, and to after-school classes. All lies. I took the bus to school and classes, while she was actually asleep when I left home in the morning. I confronted her, saying that I know the truth, and the truth doesn't change just because she wants it too, to make me feel obligated to her. Her behavior was unacceptable while I was growing up and I don't forget. She never repeated again what a good mother she was. I put her in a nursing home ten days ago, where there are professionals to take care of her, and yesterday she called me and said that she is coming home. I said "no, you don't" and thankfully the people in the home took care of it. She's using my aunt to pressure me, claiming that the poor thing just wants to go home, which basically means she wants me to give up my life to take care of her. It's not going to happen. If she's good and kind, I'll go see her once a week. If she's not, I won't go. At 50, I don't need my relatives to approve of me. Anyone who wants to take care of my mother is welcome to do so. And I wish I had known what I was dealing with when I was 20 and not had to reach 50 to figure it out and reclaim my life.
Im at the point where these types of videos help me to see what is probably going to happen next or what to expect, definitely….and to start thinking ahead
I was nodding in recognition throughout this entire video. I not only experienced every one of these tactics from my mother when I moved out of state in my 20s, but also from my husband when I left him 10 years later. I haven't given myself nearly enough credit for sticking to my guns and not letting them divert me from creating the healthy life that I now have. Every one of your videos is a gift and a gem, Jerry. Thank you!
Yeah 58 years later she's just more spiteful and even more bans me from funerals, family events etc and then goes to hospital without telling me for minor ops (because l would help her) so that l look a right selfish cow. I canny win. ❤❤❤
Too sad, but funny how you tell it. When I go into town this week, I am going to use that "right selfish cow" in a conversation. Even if it is with the cashier at WalMart.
Rather than buying me out of the family business my family evicted me.. The ultimate form of abandonment.. I will always have that eviction on my record.. I was pissed at the judge but really the judge got me out of the family.. Granted my family contacted me a couple times after that but I am not in it anymore.. I really do not need any of them in my life..
26 years of distance+4000km distance and my mother is still using her entire time to destroy my reputation in front of the entire family and everyone she knows. Concussion..the more she tries to destroy me..the more I am confident in not wanting to have any contact at all with such a monster.
For all of those who haven’t joined Jerry Wise’s program road to self you are wasting your life! I wish I knew all of it years ago, the tools and videos are so helpful
Went no contact with my narcissistic dad (sociopathic traits) nine years ago. You are 100% right about these and I saw many of these tactics. Narcissists can be so predictable.
Rage? Check. Playing the victim? Check check check. Hoovering? Chhheeecck. Smear campaign? No idea (yet 💀) but probably check. The rest I'm sure is coming. Fun times.
This can make them stalking you - also indirectly through their enablers. These people are so messed up and are incapable of loving anyone but themselves!
One of the last times I communicated with my mom, just prior to no contact, she said, crying, that she knew she hadn't been a good mother, but she was so sick when we were kids. And that she loved us dearly, and that we were SO wanted and loved. And that she was so sorry. I wouldn't have bought it anyway, as she lied freely in support of her agenda. But then she checked, to see if I bought it. Despite her (claimed) ill health, by golly she got up, got a job, and lived another 10 years. Whining at every possible opportunity. Being 1,000 miles away really helped.
Very wise words ~ good indicator is when Mom says, "but you know he really loved you", that alcoholic SOB! liberation comes w realization that "no contact" means NO contact ever again!!
I’ve been no contact since 2014- what was her reaction? To smear my name to anyone that would listen! Team up with my ex husband…She cares far more about extended family and randoms than her child. THAT confirmed to me that I did the right thing… sad but I remind myself that I am Not responsible for her nor do I need to tolerate abuse! It’s very sad for her tho- she doesn’t want to see the truth or be better, just for me to accept her abusive ways. 🤷♀️ That’s a firm NO FROM ME! Thank you Jerry! Ur the best!
Thank you SO much for this video! It came at the perfect time as I'm trying to do just that...leave my aging narc parent. And everything you mentioned she pulled when I left the house back in 2020. Every single thing! The smear campaigns, the threats (threatening to throw out my belongings threatening to take me out of her will etc), getting others involved, even getting her hairdresser to reach out and text me. LOL She played the victim and painted a picture of being "worried about me" to others all the while raging to my siblings about me and leaving me angry messages behind closed doors. I moved back in with her when an apartment and job fell through. I was horrified and didn't want to but i literally had nowhere to go. Was trying to avoid homelessness. Since then it has been a living hell. My car ended up dying and now I am stuck using her car but she won't allow me to use it to work a job so that i can save money and get myself a used one! Talk about control! I can only use it for drs appointments and to go to a job coach for my job searches AND OF COURSE to drive her around everywhere she needs to go...groceries, drs, etc etc. It is insane. I literally lock myself in my bedroom all day. I've lost so much weight. 77 pounds b/c i can't cook in her house either. that's another story. so i'm living on raw veggies, avacado, eggs that I buy that are already pre-cooked/hard-boiled. It's a nightmare. These narcs do NOT change! And they get worse with age! If anyone reads this please believe me. Get out and move far away. If you live close by them they will guilt you and manipulate you into taking care of them while at the same time painting you as a horrific son or daughter. They are sick in the head. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.
Your comment was the best one I read here... threatening to throw out property , the endless Smear campaign, threatening to leave you out of the will, then wanting you to be a servant just for a place to sleep when you can't even cook in the house and live like a normal person ...to me this is sadistic personality disorder
Jerry, thank you very much for your work. I was shocked when my mother declared to our aquaintances that I was dead, but now I understood it's common behaviour for a narcisist.
I will celebrate when she goes under. Was always a good daughter, a good sibling, person and friend. My refusal to enable her lies, acts, and games, plus being confident and self sufficient, w unshakable resilience, caused her to despise me ? She can rot in hell where she belongs. I'm good, finally.
They, the narcissistic parents, will set out to destroy your reputation by gossiping and spreading lies to turn everyone against you, you are right. She even sucker punched me from the grave by thanking her very-well-compensated person who brought her cigarettes as she slowly died of COPD.
I finally made all the connections at 59. I spent my entire childhood lonely, neglected and abandoned by both of them. Why should I feel sorry for you now?
Trying to break free from controlling, narcissistic parents and family members can become a life-long endeavour if they decide to follow you wherever you go.
Spot on. Thank you for your brilliant observations of what happens when you abandon your Narcisistic parent. Let them think and do what they want, they are adults and you don’t teach grownups how to behave. We must not abandon ourselves because then we will feel very lonely and abandoned.
Wow. Spot on. I didn’t expect anything but I got attacked by them. They were cruel even with their will. I thought I was alone going through all this but it is good to know they were normal in their toxic reactions.
I perceive I've abandoned my parent. Because going "No Contact" is a conscious decision to abandon a person/relationship. And therein lays the problem.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
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Thank you always...and nice shirt 👕 😃
He gives children medical advice but he is not qualified as a doctor. Hate your parents is his message. Get this guy off my TV RUclips.
My only regret of no contact is that I waited so long.
I went no contact.. got suck back in and now no contact for the second time and im doing great! Only a couple of months in.. stay strong and don’t get suck back in
Me too. I'm now 58 and I missed out on having a family of my own. I hope to have a husband one day, but first I must repair my inner self.
I joined the US Army when I was 18 years-old. I should have went no contact with them then, but I waited until I was 22 years-old to go no contact with my mother and 35 years-old to go no contact with my father.
Yes. I will keep not contacting Dad.
@@jackilynpyzocha662Contacting your dad will just mean another round of invalidation, right?
When you abandon them, it gives you an opportunity to find peace for the first time in your life ❤
Absolutely 100%
Beautifully said ❤
Yes it does in one way, but for me, having no family at all in this world is never going to bring me peace as such. I'm divorced & they took my abusive ex husband into the family...had him for meals, visited him, bought him gifts. They also tried turning my now 19 year old daughter against me.
Coming up to Christmas is a tough time for me. I have friends but it's not the same as having family. Having absolutely no family at all in this society is never peaceful
Oh yet..... Still have a fear of the phone, a decade since she's been able to call and with dad his motto was no news is good news, least I don't have to answer, with malignant covert mom it was "I'd better", she'd only endlessly ring back if I didn't and no one else in the house going to answer that's for sure, we've up to speed call display! I was slow to get a cell phone, mom gave me a k to purchase one then of course bossed me more easily per availability, my bad!😊
. Sorry for all, hope you treat yourself to something nice, pay me heed to those drama creators, they're dead inside, expect the worst, Xmas is for kids, know this! My daughter, daddy's girl (28) is doing a grass is always greener on the other side, didn't even call Xmas prior, last year here, all very good, now off to Bali for Xmas with him and his family, ridiculous, enjoy your misery meat at Xmas dinner where dog and cat is legally served but they'll suffer London prior, a week long snow storm awaits, I'm giving her a taste of her own medicine which undoubtedly doesn't taste very good, hell is empty all the narcissists are here!
I just spent my first no contact thanksgiving. It was great to feel self respect. I refuse to abandon myself anymore. No more contact. I’ve had enough.
I had a PBJ and watched animal vids w my cats. It was fun to know the show goes on without me. Good luck❤
Same here, from Dad. I felt relief.
I had a pizza with my dog. Peace and so Thankful
My mother did all of this to me! Im 55 & she is 72. I no longer speak to her. Period.
I went no contact at age 60.
She just passed away on 4th of October. Felt relief and was grateful she was gone so that she could not hurt anyone again
The world is a better place without her.
FYI didn’t go to funeral
@@terridillon3053I admire you! I’m 62, and she’s 82. Her game playing is off the charts. I have just about reached my limit, and ready to go no contact. I just want to be free of her. Blessings to you!😌
My mother did all of this for years before I cut off contact because she knew I was mentally and emotionally leaving her. Once I did she turned my entire family against me.
This video is the story of my life too. 🤪 Minimal contact since 2012 and no contact for past few years. Feels so right. 😊
She had plenty of time while you were an adult to show a different way.
They care when they need you.
If you have been parentified, and made to caretake your parent, going no contact will hurt a LOT. This is because you feel as though you are the parent abandoning a child. You have to remember, you are NOT the parent. You were, are, and always will be the child in this relationship dynamic. You are NOT responsible for the mental, emotional, spiritual or financial well being of your parents, or indeed, any other adult human!
Very good point. Thanks!
How about legally as they get old?
This is so true. I've felt so guilty, and terrified. How will they survive without me? I've 'abandoned' them both but in reality that relationship was killing me
@@tnt01 we are especially not legally required to be responsible for our parents emotional wellbeing.
I took care of her until she was 80. Now I have to heal my inner child. She is so wounded...
Yup cut narc mom off a year ago then she started a smear campaign and turned ALL my relatives against me. I have no one left but the peace that comes with it is indescribable.
that's what i'm about to do and i'm bracing myself. narcs are predictable. the only sadness that i feel is losing my nieces and nephews :( I'm going to miss them so very much. they're teenagers...too young to truly grasp what's going on and unfortunately will only hear their toxic parents side of the story. i'm heartbroken about never seeing them again. The other relatives, the adults, have enabled my mom for many years and have bullied me and smeared me time and time again mocking me, belittling my autoimmune disease and struggles. i have no problems cutting ties with all 5 siblings. Ughh but my nieces and nephews. tough pill to swallow.
@@cindy7733I understand. It's hard at first, grieving something still living, and grieving something you never had. You won't be able to attend family funerals and get reminders of it all year, birthdays, Christmas etc it takes guts
@@TracyNewton-q3b Absolutely. And sometimes I fear making such an extreme decision and often think about going super low contact instead but I don't think I'll ever have peace if I do that. They will find ways to slither their ways into my life and wreak havoc. I think it's time to move forward...no looking back. Many don't realize what a difficult decision going no contact really is.
@@cindy7733 🌺 hi Cindy. Don't forget they trauma bond us. They also love bomb and dismiss our boundaries. How about, doing it, and see their reaction? Or just slowly retract from contact without explanations? Maybe start a dated journal, write down your feelings and how you dealt with them. Please don't tell anyone close to them or other family or friends, of your thinking of no contact. The behaviours will esculate if they get a whiff of you abandoning them. Break the cycle of family envy try and focus on your journey of peace. Trust me, after three years you will be nearly healed. Don't waste time. Let's see how they react first,maybe, phone record and video communications. You may think your going mad now, your not. your just a source of supply /energy good or bad. All the very best, you've got this. 💝
@TracyNewton-q3b Thank you so much! Yes the trauma bond is crazy and the crossing of boundaries and dismissing of feelings is constant. I'm very tired. I need space and solitude to regain my strength. They have sucked the life out of me.
Violets are blue, roses are red, I no longer fear them, because they're both dead. I am healing quite nicely. Thank you Jerry for speaking the truth and helping all of us to heal!
I love your poem. My narcissist parent is not dead. I do believe it would be easier to have a full break that way. As it is I spend a lot of wasted energy worrying and terrified of having to interact because it is so painful. Having to separate and go no contact has been tremendously helpful but I still have to grieve and do the work as IF they have died. The fact that they are still here makes it ever present. I’m happy for you and wish you great peace.
My psychologist told me that the effects of your issues will continue to be with you even after the narcissist(s) die, unless you deal with these issues inside you which can affect all your relationships.
@bernadettenelson6843 so true! I'm 70 and it took a very long time and a great deal of therapy to feel free.
@englishwithteacheradgie4699 I wish you peace as well. Keep working on it, you will get to where you need to be. Be brave. They might not get better but you must.
@@bernadettenelson6843the point is that once these abusers die, you will not be retraumatized and have a safe space to start healing from their cult control. ❤️🩹
They lose their shit and blame you for everything that has gone wrong in their lives no matter how obviously self-inflicted it is.
Obviously self inflicted, nice turn of words from own worst enemies.. Nice, the expression has evolved!
True,and it never would have crossed our minds to engage in such behavior...
Even your own birth is your fault, not theirs
Self-inflicted victim hood 🙄
They do, even if by being nervous all their life created a disease, it is on us!!! 😅 that was the first time that I laughed so hard and loud, that I almost lost my breath 😂 my mom was furious 😅
I was slowly breaking away from my mother. She rang me one evening and tried everything from love bombing, to promises, to threats, before screaming "I have cancer!" & then hanging up. I spent about 3 months in emotional torment before talking to her again. She didn't know what I meant when I asked her how she was feeling. Eventually I asked her, I thought u said u had cancer! There was a few seconds of silence. Oh I'm better now, she said. She had forgotten her own lie. That was the turning point for me.
Good for you.
My mother lied about cancer too, that was my last straw.
Spot on. I honestly cannot imagine what a “healthy” or “normal” reaction would be to an adult child ending a relationship with a parent. Then again, I cannot fathom an average parent possibly doing enough damage over and over and over that their child would go no contact.
If you’re watching this video and considering going no contact with your narcissistic parent, DO IT. Do not let guilt or the fear of their wrath stop you! Yes, mine came across several states to continue trying to mess with me. YES- it is so worth it! If I could go back, I’d cut ties sooner!
They came to your home?
@@tnt01Oh so much more vindictive. She befriended my new mother in law, took my MIL on a trip to Ireland to watch her “give a talk” about her profession, built up her credibility and appearance so that when the time was right (my now ex husband became abusive, kicked him out and he went about as insane as my mother did on a monthly basis growing up), they teamed up to call cps and get the kids taken from me. Any judge is going to disbelieve an abusive man alone. Be skeptical if him and his mother make accusations of a victim. But add in the victim’s own mother and you can forget it. I didn’t know the extent of the games being played and after the kids were taken, i re engaged with my NM for a very short time, desperately looking for support. I didn’t call her back within 12 hrs while away at a wedding, so she called the cps worker and claimed i was diagnosed bipolar as a teen. Took two full psych evals to get the kids back with JOINT custody. They aren’t human. If demons are real, my mother is one.
@KDcat4292 stay strong.hugs.
You don't have to open the door ,if you know they are coming go away far away so that you are not there
I had to abandon my siblings also in our narcissistic family… I am the family scapegoat, and they are neither respected or believed… it was sad but necessary
It worked out fine. One of them told me I wasnt family, another narcissist. It's fine, my life is better without the toxic drama.
I walked away in the Summer of 2016 at the age of 49.
I had wasted the best years of my life on my Narcissistic mother!
I went NO CONTACT, and refused to be pulled back in; and they did try!!!!
(Except no remorse, apology, or gifts.) Just guilt, hate and attacks on my reputation. Also gang stalking, harassment, etc.
I'm sure later she (and the step family) rewrote the truth to say they dumped me.
I don't care!!!
I broke free. I accepted the TRUTH; she NEVER cared about me, or loved me. I've moved on, and moved a thousand miles away!
I'll NEVER go back!!!
I don't care what she and her flying monkeys do.
I'M DONE!!!
I've accepted she is NEVER going to change. It will ALWAYS be her power plays.
I went through everything you say in this video. And more!!!
I will NEVER go back. Nor will I EVER allow them back into my life.
I'm pushing 60 today, and I've decided my final years will be spent in peace and quiet.
Letting people be wrong about you, or a situation, while keeping your peace and focus, is the most misunderstood power move that you will ever make
I wanted to reply and say this, there are people who you least expect, who will support you and not the narc. Narcissists make a lot of problems for themselves. Wish you happiness.
I decided to go no contact 3 weeks ago. I was in my mom’s and stepdad’s home “helping” them while one one was recovering from an illness. I overheard them saying horrible things about me. I packed my bag and let them know I heard their conversation about me. They went into complete denial and then rage. After 23 years of this ( their second marriage) I decided I was I completely done. I left and haven’t looked back . My own adult children commented that I appear “lighter.” They are elderly and have pushed all friends and family away. I haven’t heard a word from them or any of the few people they communicate with. I never imagined my walking away from them happening, but enough is enough. I should have done this years ago.
Yes I’ve also overhead mine be this way. It’s hard to realize their self absorption means you don’t get to have a life and they never ask you about your life or show any interest. We have to discern that this is not normal and not the way “loving” families are supposed to be. I spent Thanksgiving alone and in Peace.
I caught/overhead a semi friend saying I'd said such and such, the next morn she says are we good, no I reply, I heard what you said to her and she outright denied it, telling someone else weeks later to whom she said I said such and such to, he added knowing/agreeing it was none of her business, just a sarcastic yet truthful state of affairs on my part that didn't she go and lie again .. People slander, too dumb to know it's the system making them second class citizens not us and bully as a way of feeling superior!
@@TheQueensWishyou are correct! I left my family and job for a full week to help “them.” Our 21 year old is going through radiation treatments right now for a major surgery in August. They never even asked about him and if I mentioned our son, the subject was turned back to their health issues.
Thank you so much for your wise comment. I appreciate it.
@@joseenoel8093I agree. I think my two “parents” stopped developing in 7th grade. They are truly geriatric bullies. It’s a sad, but they created their situation. I just happened to be the one family member that held on the longest. Thank you for sharing your experience. These individuals are “real” and their issues can damage others.
@@BR-kk9qu Here is what’s healthy and normal: They should be sending you a handwritten note of thanks. Thanking you for coming and that they realize the deep sacrifices you made to come to their aid. Expressing their love and concern for their grandsons serious health battle. That is how it should go. How disappointing.
Idk about you guys but I've learned more from Jerry Wise than I've ever learned through decades of therapy. Jerry has made a huge difference in my life and I'm very grateful.
Wow thank you
Thank you for this video. My mother is a covert narcissist, and it bothers me that I have to have less contact with her as a daughter, but everything you say is true.
Same here. It’s sad.😔
Same here also. Covert narcissist mother. Mine is currently trying everything to 'win me back' as I self-differentiate more and more effectively. It's always painful and is played out on repeat every day. I can feel her pain as her efforts fail repeatedly. And I know its just going to get tougher, requiring ever more wearying effort from me, But you can't surrender. You just can't. And I won't. It's good to know I'm not alone, because its incredibly isolating.
As adults, they cannot really be abandoned in the same sense that a child may be abandoned, though that's how they experience it because they are stuck at an infantile or juvenile level. I think it's useful, even important, to draw the distinction. You're not abandoning them, regardless of their big special feels, because you're not responsible for them or obliged to look after them. The relationship is merely ended and you have detached into a permanent state of separation.
Thank you for this comment, it gave me a lightbulb moment… I cannot reason with someone who is stuck in infantile behaviour… 😊
@jochandler1180 You are most welcome, and I'm pleased to have helped a little.
So much, I have screenshot this and will read it over and over… ❤
@@jochandler1180 I really appreciate that. I almost said that I hope you find your peace, but hope really doesn't have much to do with it; it's down to the decisions you make. So I'll say may you take the path of your choosing, instead.
You’re dead to me was pretty much the last thing my mom said to me. And she returned all the letters I wrote to her as a child. I have good days and bad days coping with this.
My narc mother said the same many times. They have no other tools in the box but this blunt one. They want you to fight to get back with them. They expect you to live for them. Good luck .. its a long haul🎉🎉🎉🎉
I have experienced ALL of this. 🙁
I am tired. So tired…
I figure it’s fitting if my mom cuts me out of the inheritance, as I was never part of her will to begin with. She always had other priorities taking precedence over my basic human needs.
I "abandoned" my father when I was 19 and moved out to live on my own with a roommate and $2.10/hour working part time at McDonald's. I thought he would finally be proud of me. Nope. He went silent. When I went back to tell my parents I was pregnant and getting married to provide for my child, I thought he would be happy for the good decision I was making. Nope, he wanted me to abort his grandson. When I got a Master's Degree in Marriage & Family Therapy, I thought he would at least come to my graduation. Not a chance. He wanted me to become a Doctor or Lawyer and make lots of money. When I went back to visit after my marriage was over and my kids were grown and asked him to knock before entering the bedroom when I was asleep, he called me mentally ill and threatened to write me out of the will only my mom had fed into with her meager job. When he was old and on his way out, he told me he would like to get to know me for real after all the years of ignoring me. Too little, too late, I thought.
Why would you even bother
Same rules for abandoning a narc spouse with a divorce. I got both sides with parents and siblings.
Happy to be free 3 years now ❤ my mental heath has never been better. 🙏
See what’s not on this list? An attempt to genuinely and calmly understand your experience and where you are coming from, validation and a sincere apology with actual changes behavior
It's always all about them, such a waste of our time, we can only have continued relationships with them if we're both on board for loving only them!
@@MarkV-j5jso, forgive the work of satan? Forgive the cruel, damaging, hurt & devils actions? 👿
No thanks.
@@MarkV-j5jmy covert narc mother and enabling codependent dad cloak themselves in the church.
Outwardly they look like the sweet, loving, elders.
The noble school graduates, who support groups and fund the most popular church events and projects. Host pastor families and missionaries.
Behind closed doors, they were physically abusive. Emotionally and mentally abusive. They gossip and spread rumours the moment the person is out the door. Highly judgmental and full of pride.
They encourage their church to join most denominations in pushing mandates and social segregation. Alienating and bullying anyone who didn’t comply.
They firmly believe they are far more godly than others.
Covert narc mom has a gift of breaking people and making them cry, and they feel guilty after. Apologizing for ‘being emotional’… friends, family, grandkids….
You’re correct, they are not Christ.
Tares? Or perhaps something darker lurks inside- they are not OF Christ, and their motive is insidious.
@@MarkV-j5j “Christ they are not”
Obv evil ppl work on behalf of satan.
I will never “ forgive her”.
I let that up to God. He decides her fate when her time comes.
As earth beings, know thy enemy.
Once I had my kid it became a lot easier to commit to not abandoning my values in raising her. I'm not going to let her think that insulting people and being pushy is ok or normal.
My narcissistic mom never acknowledged or apologized for the final thing she did to me when I had her dead to rights. I told her off and then went no contact. Then she feigned confusion and frailty when she hoover called me. She claimed she was returning my call when I hadn't called her. I didn't return her call to explain that I hadn't called her, but told my brother to tell her to stop, that I wasn't buying it or returning her call. Awful woman.
My mother does that. She'll call me to tell me she's returning my call. She doesn't seem to know that you have call histories on the phone.
My narcissistic parents stayed pretty quiet - totally absorbed in themselves - even when I stayed away for most of the last 20 years of my father's life because he was so emotionally abusive. I really relate to when you say, "be careful not to abandon yourself," because the recovery process for me repairing the relationship with myself has been the toughest of all. I'm pretty sure I will be on that for the rest of my life now - even while I keep discovering more and more beauty in myself and the world around me step by step every day. Thank you Jerry
Live your life to the fullest in joy of the uniqueness God made you.
You know who you are ,stand in your own truth. No contact at all and don't give in
My malignant mother alienated me from everyone in my family - now she's trying to reel back. The biggest challenge after having accepted and adapted to this reality - is moving through the deep hatred I feel toward her, wholly justified I might add. As you know Jerry, this torment begins in childhood and never ends. I feel no guilt whatsoever. Why would I? I was only ever good to this woman - which of course only motivated her to amp up her abuse because people like this see kindness as weakness. My only regret was ever trying, and my advice to anyone who can relate to this - they're like alcoholics. The disease of their character disorder only gets worse with time, and the orbit of their destruction only brings more people down with it. Run!!!
I don't feel guilt either. She could have listened to me but protecting her ego came first.
I just feel sad for her from a distance. Ps her consistent explanation for anything that happens to me is my kindness is my greatest Weakness.
Kindness is my greatest virtue,and if I didn't express it in my life I would have run away run away run away.......
As I watched this I slowly got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as you listed all of these off. I know every one of them all too well. It’s weird how once you know what you didn’t know you still keep wondering, thinking and playing it all over and over. 😢
All of these are so painful. Mine acts as if I’ve abandoned her because I’ve been trying to learn emotional detachment. She believes I need to be her mini me, yes woman, look and like all the same things she does. She ignored my gift, had a look of disgust for sharing a different preference of style and was cold as ice to me over the holiday for saying no to her mlm. I’ve said no after being asked countless times and she still has to wear me down and then has resentment for it. To this day, my mom has never forgiven me for using a different cleanser. Yes, ridiculous but true and still brings up how I defied her. I will always be a failure to her
Tough luck for her give her the no contact stay far away treatment. Preserve your sanity
My heart goes out to you. You are not a failure and all of her behaviour, shows who and what she really is, not what you are. Wish you happiness.
@@ritalawson7020 Trying to maintain minimal contact, for the sake of seeing my dad and not wanting to lose my entire family. It is very difficult. He unfortunately thinks I’m now heartless too, even though he too has been emotionally abused and she has made her sister cry over mean accusations
thank you for your kind words. What’s so sad is I really love my mom and she does not believe I do because I have distanced myself. I pray we can get through these difficulties@@momotruth300
Spot on Jerry Wise. I found out they are codependent on you as well, and cutting them out puts them through the same emotional hell they've long threatened you with.
Perfect!!!!
This is news to me!
Good news.
Wow. I abandoned myself until I was 51. That's something to seriously think about. Mind blown.
They demand we self abandon, and that soothes their compulsion.
It’s nice to be far away from this and safe since 2020. Couldn’t have done it without you.
Jerry Wise
Saves lives
❤❤❤❤❤
My mother simply responded with
Have a nice life.
Mine did too smh
It is these kinds of actions that teach me how not to treat my son and daughter.
They are calling your bluff, thinking you'll be back... their narc-ism makes them think this thinking she is the centre of your world🎉🎉🎉
And now you will have a very nice life!👏👏👏
One positive is that line is proof of closure. She tried to hurt you but she set you free. I hope you take care of yourself and have a great life.
This is exactly what happened recently. I went no contact and a couple months later she had my aunt and brother calling me saying I needed to make up with her. I told them I’m not interested and she went in the hospital that night. My brother said our rift is taking a toll on her health and the hate from me needed to stop. I know exactly what she is doing.. looking for attention and also trying to turn them against me.
It's awful. I think you are describing my future. It fills me with dread. My brother would get violent if he had to.
Ughh. Don't let your brother or anyone else manipulate you into thinking that you caused her hospitalization! That sounds EXACTLY like something my flying monkey siblings would do too! You have nothing to do with her health. That's on her.
@@cindy7733 I don’t know where I would be without these videos. Thank God for them!
@@TM-dh8um I know exactly how you feel when you say “dread”. It’s stomach turning. These videos help so much. I have to start watching again when I start feeling weak and it reminds me of the truth.
Omg it’s like we all have the SAME experiences
Check. Check. Check. Every single point. To her last days. With NO remorse, and NO interest in changing anything at all.
Thanks for this talk. Including with starting each point with stating "What happens with the narcissist when..." Excellent
THANK you for saying this!
I went through all of this just because my sorry deadbeat self started becoming a better person and grew a spine.
I'd say that, least you know I've a spine! My goodness criticize for every little thing you'd think they'd be glad to see we had the strength...😊
"Goodbye Stranger, it's been nice, hope you find your paradise"
Crazy, today I went to my narcissist mother, and claimend my keys back from her. She is a covert narcissist and violated my privacy. Of course she did all the other bad stuff. I stood for myself and now I see this video, can you read minds? Love your videos, greetings from Germany ❤
When I went No Contact.
I don't know what my NM did.
And don't care what NM did. She probably did all of these things.
Thank you, Jerry
Who?
Exactly. I figure, if the extended family is foolish enough to believe them-then what goes around comes around.
@@joseenoel8093NM = narcissistic mother
Mine claimed she was dying imminently and that I must come to visit immediately..nope not going again for more abuse.
My sister and I are finally moving away from my mother (we are 62 and 60) We are leaving her in my brother’s care now. She has always had a different relationship with our brothers than with us. We are being guilt tripped not just from her but my brother’s and some friends too. But we need peace in our lives. 😢🙏🏻
I'm so glad you have your sister's support. Glad you have each other! I'm 53 and I know EXACTLY what you mean. The older the narc parent gets the more their flying monkeys guilt trip you. Society does too! People who have NO clue what you have been through will automatically assume you are abandoning her and think it's your job to take care of her. Let them! You need peace of mind. You need healing. You need to be allowed to be you! It's oxygen mask time! Think of an airplane that's crashing. You must grab your oxygen mask first before even thinking of helping others. Time to take care of your own needs. xo
@ Thank you 😊 Yes, it has become doubly worse than ever the past 3 years. We are a mess.
@@veronicasalas2666It’ll get better. Stay the course. Hold the line.
@ yes she just had me in tears again. I just can’t with her constant shenanigans 😢🤦♀️
@@veronicasalas2666 I'm so sorry. :( You don't deserve to be treated like that. You don't deserve to live a life where you are crying because of your heartless and entitled mother. I know this all too well. Believe me I can't even tell you how many times my mother and toxic family members have belittled me and made me weep uncontrollably. It's not a way to live! And God doesn't want you to live this way either. So don't let your mom or your brothers try to manipulate you or guilt you into taking care of her. And yes, my brothers get treated soooo differently, as well. What is it with narc mothers and their sons? Let the ones who she dotes over so much take care of her. You and your sister deserve to live in peace. I'm glad you have each other! Get out of there whenever you can. And don't look back. Pray for her from a distance. But move forward and start living the life you were meant to. I'm sending you heartfelt hugs!!!!! I'm proud of you!!! You got this! And I'm here if you ever need to vent! xoxo
When I went no contact with my father it was him doing it to me actually. I was finally able to tell him when I was 23 that my husband and child come first. I was so proud of myself. He was not. He left my house and immediately started a smear campaign against me. Trying to get me back under his control. It happened just as Jerry says. I lost everyone in my family over this. 20 ish people all disenherited me saying I was no longer part of the family. Only my two brothers and mom where the only ones to stay connected to me. It's been 17 years and it's mostly quiet from the flying monkeys. From time to time he will try something to get me back under his control. Stay strong, their huffing and puffing will get less extreme with time. Yes he says I'm no longer in his will. I find that to be a small price to pay for some peace. Stay strong when it comes to ur narcissist. This too shall pass. Observe don't absorb.
The ones who disinherited you weren’t supposed to remain in your life. Their season in your life is over. Sad process of elimination, but puts people where they belong. Think countries with boundary lines.
Oh my Holy Goodness. This is my mother. You seems to know her better than anyone else. She died in 1999. As her daughter she admit to me she hated me and ask on her deadbed forgiveness and was very soft and sweet. Than she get better and the moment she felt better, all the drama start all over again. Till she get weak again and ask for forgiveness. At that time I was a young woman and did not understand. You explain this very deep knot inside me and listening to you let me heal. Thank you so so much Jery Wise for sharing and being as you are, perfect lovely soul.
I havent talked to my narcissist father for 20 years. And yeah he tries to manipulate other fam members to reconnect with me. The hardest part is that other members dont understand why i dont talk to him. Its like im the only one who see him as he truly is
They most likely see it. When others have the same demons, they’re going to side with the stronger demon they’re under. The cause is their low vibration due to lack of character, personal accountability and integrity. No contact.
Thank you Jerry. Your videos have played an important role in my understanding of Narcissistic Family Systems. It has broken me all my life that my Mother clearly dislikes me. Understanding my role as the Scapegoat freed me from a deep self hatred based on my Mother's rejection. Fortunately, my older sister is also in therapy and her understanding of her Golden Child role has allowed us to establish a loving sisterly relationship that I always longed for. Thank you Sir. You helped support me in my journey to be my authentic self.
It's bizarre reading a description of my own life from a perfect stranger. I'm so happy for you and your sister. I hope my brother will eventually see our mother for who she really is. I was the scapegoat/black sheep but she rotated him from being the golden child, to being ignored or just punished, back to being the golden child, only to be pushed aside again. At least I've known deep down all along that my own mother hates me. He didn't have a clue, still doesn't it seems 😢
I know I made the right choice cutting off my parents, but it wasn't easy, and it still isn't. Thank you for this validating and affirming video.
Everyone in the immediate family is completely on to my parents' narcissism--their children, their grandchildren, their siblings, and in-laws. They've essentially alienated themselves from everyone at this point.
Lucy you! Complete and total vindication
They go ballistic. They start guilt tripping you and bring up incidents that go back 10 or 20 years. When mine went back 40 (that was before I was born) then I knew they bat sh** crazy. Moved 3,000 miles away and haven't looked back. 😁
😄 It still happens sometimes to me too...
I mean, their pre-birth guilt tripping.
I think it's when narcissism ( + sociopathy and more) meets memory issues because of aging....
Omg yes!!! The guilt tripping and bringing up stuff (good, bad, it doesn’t matter) from WAY in the past! What’s up with that? I feel like I can’t just have a relationship with her because she’s always comparing things to the past, 20 years ago. We have whole new lives now. It’s all the time 😔
So glad I ditched those two excuses for parents. If I got a text today saying they were on the deathbed, I wouldn’t feel sad or happy. I’d look at it, delete it and go about my day. 😁
Have you lost compassion for them?
@@realityreacted1Compassion is learned developmentally as a child from their parents. So if he/she was reared in a harsh environment without compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, love, etc, how do you expect that trait now? That’s why he called them two excuses.
I'm waiting for the call and have been practising what I'd say... I know she's been verbally and physically abusive to the staff, well they're earning their salaries, mom's 86 and dementia adds 10 yrs to your life, it's a case of come on already!
@@realityreacted1 Narcissists deserve as much compassion as they have for others, which is none. Children naturally do not lack compassion for their parents. They will suffer the most horrible abuses and forms of neglect by their parents and yet still love them unconditionally until they reach an age and level of discernment that allows them to break free from probably the worst form of emotional manipulation you can imagine a human experiencing throughout their life.
I have compassion for my mother insofar as her own childhood circumstances have made her the way she is, but that doesn't mean I have to waste any energy caring about the energy vampire she has become.
Thank you .Surely if the parent made it quite clear from birth that your a thorn in their side,and you finally leave forever there pleased they won. I didnt get any of what you mentioned,that speaks volumes ,no actions,no remorse.ive lost my family as well,never being able to discuss my sadnesses. I know im a lovely person,the parent knew it. Their loss.💪
With friends like them who needs enemies 😅
My parents didn't make one phone call to me but called the resident mngr of my apt bldg to get information on me! They claimed that they were concerned and worried because I hadn't called them in awhile. I was very angry with the mngr because I feel that she really had no business talking about me. Don't these people wonder why parents are calling them instead of us! What's normal about that. I mean they don't even know her. 🤷 I told her that if they called again she doesn't have my permission to talk them. How many fires do we have to put out.
After going no contact, my father (covert npd) had send me an email. I do not know what I did wrong, he wrote, but I'm sorry for whatever it was and it won't happen again.
My father is not acting from a place of sincere remorse, he's is just trying to win me back. If I accept for sure his toxic behavior will resurface again in a matter of weeks. Been there, got the t-shirt. A dog that bites is a dog that bites.
My dad said the exact same thing to me! Good to know it's not just me!
I 'like' before I even watch...because I'm wise. Not the renowned 'Jerry Wise', the lower case kind.
😂 Love this!! Me, too!
I literally just experienced this on the phone today. It's wild to see how many of these boxes this family member checks off. The flying monkey, the passive aggressive comments, testing my boundaries, diminishment, the revenge distancing and withholding information about their dire health status, anger at me for having instated a boundary of distance after a domestic situation they tried to pull me into to resolve for them. Yikes. I didn't backdown and I didn't confront though!
So true again… smear campaign and financial control. I was so out of this in my 20s but I got hoovered back for two years like: Finaly they changed finally they love me. But it was just a hoover followed by a new smear campaign. Now I regret to have let this happen - again neglecting myself. I feel so bad 😢 for myself angry
You have helped me enormously. Thank you.
You are so welcome!
This can be done as grandparents to grandchildren too.
I never thought of that until you mentioned it. Yup, my Grandmother was one too. Yikes, what a revelation!
Everything that you claim they will do when we abandon them, is what they already did to get themselves abandoned in the first place. We cannot win with these people. One can only lose.
I "abandoned" my narcissistic parent when he wanted to operate some 2 person heavy equipment into a blizzard in an avalanche warning when we had several days to wait for better weather. His fatigue was driving him to take risks, pun intended. As a result, I was illegally fired for refusing unsafe work, slandered, lost friends and family due to the smear campaign.
It started in 2018 when I, like many others, learned about gaslighting, realized I was gaslit and guilt tripped and I came forward about safety issues and issues with the regulations etc. The problem is that all of our institutions where I live are corrupt and simply joined in the gaslighting. And so my narcissitic parents who I worked for for decades were able to enact reprisal, amounting to financial abuse, lying about future jobs, contract obligations, and the endless smear campaign.
My mommy dearest has stated that "people" have told her she's an enabler. As if. She's CLUSTER B with covert narcissist traits and plays the victim, like she was such a good parent, she did the best she could😢. What a bad joke.
My father who've already gone no contact with has been silent for 9 years now, he's playing a victim too I'm sure . 🤷🏽♀️
They can't play the victims and say we're good kids too, wouldn't word and less drama, they'd have no point in leaving the house!
The peace I feel without my nm in my life, is worth being the villain in her stories ❤
I wish my husband comes across your videos one day and starts to understand how his parents have ruined him, Jerry. After 24 yrs, I gave up and left knowing it's not going to happen and hoping and waiting for that day was killing me slowly each day.
They’ve made it their personal responsibility to destroy me
4:34 "If you really loved me, you wouldn't abandon me."
This one is so wild because... well... yeah! You don't abandon people you love.
It took me several times to abandon my mom. Guilt and shame always made me go back. But when I turned 56 and thought about how she could live another 20 years and me being 76 if she finally died - something clicked and I just couldn't do it anymore. She was furious but this time I didn't care. I'm 58 now and slowly learning to have a normal, trusting relationship with myself. I use IFS therapy by myself and it works. I'm starting to live instead of surviving.
Those were just years wasted of your life that you can't get back... years that could have been spent with someone else who made life enjoyable.
Perfect timing with the holidays. Thank you Jerry.
Your videos are so helpful, and soothing. ...I also like that shirt... 😊
I also like the goatee 😊
Thank you.. All in this video sadly apply😒They cannot see it from your side as blame etc is easier.
Thank you for this breakdown. Even though I went no contact years ago, the effort to "get me back" is revived at the holidays when more distant and clueless family members are in town at their house (we still live in the same town). The "flying monkey" activity ramps up. The health scares. The emotional appeals. Most of what you described. One of the most peaceful holiday times I ever had was when my husband and I celebrated the holidays abroad. Time to do that again!
The manipulation techniques (e.g. guilt) no longer work: if they had acted better, we wouldn't be in this situation.
And I am not responsible for their lies and half truths and past manipulation etc.
They go crazy when you pull away, you sir are healing a lot of souls
This is the dynamic at play in the Lamb family and Daystar.
Right after my dad died, two months ago, my narcissistic mom started telling me and my aunt (her sister) how well she took care of me, how she drove me to school everyday, and to after-school classes. All lies. I took the bus to school and classes, while she was actually asleep when I left home in the morning. I confronted her, saying that I know the truth, and the truth doesn't change just because she wants it too, to make me feel obligated to her. Her behavior was unacceptable while I was growing up and I don't forget. She never repeated again what a good mother she was.
I put her in a nursing home ten days ago, where there are professionals to take care of her, and yesterday she called me and said that she is coming home. I said "no, you don't" and thankfully the people in the home took care of it. She's using my aunt to pressure me, claiming that the poor thing just wants to go home, which basically means she wants me to give up my life to take care of her. It's not going to happen. If she's good and kind, I'll go see her once a week. If she's not, I won't go. At 50, I don't need my relatives to approve of me. Anyone who wants to take care of my mother is welcome to do so.
And I wish I had known what I was dealing with when I was 20 and not had to reach 50 to figure it out and reclaim my life.
Im at the point where these types of videos help me to see what is probably going to happen next or what to expect, definitely….and to start thinking ahead
I was nodding in recognition throughout this entire video. I not only experienced every one of these tactics from my mother when I moved out of state in my 20s, but also from my husband when I left him 10 years later. I haven't given myself nearly enough credit for sticking to my guns and not letting them divert me from creating the healthy life that I now have. Every one of your videos is a gift and a gem, Jerry. Thank you!
Yeah 58 years later she's just more spiteful and even more bans me from funerals, family events etc and then goes to hospital without telling me for minor ops (because l would help her) so that l look a right selfish cow. I canny win. ❤❤❤
Too sad, but funny how you tell it. When I go into town this week, I am going to use that "right selfish cow" in a conversation. Even if it is with the cashier at WalMart.
Hello to Scotland!
Rather than buying me out of the family business my family evicted me.. The ultimate form of abandonment.. I will always have that eviction on my record.. I was pissed at the judge but really the judge got me out of the family.. Granted my family contacted me a couple times after that but I am not in it anymore.. I really do not need any of them in my life..
26 years of distance+4000km distance and my mother is still using her entire time to destroy my reputation in front of the entire family and everyone she knows.
Concussion..the more she tries to destroy me..the more I am confident in not wanting to have any contact at all with such a monster.
For all of those who haven’t joined Jerry Wise’s program road to self you are wasting your life! I wish I knew all of it years ago, the tools and videos are so helpful
I appreciate that!
Went no contact with my narcissistic dad (sociopathic traits) nine years ago. You are 100% right about these and I saw many of these tactics. Narcissists can be so predictable.
Rage? Check. Playing the victim? Check check check. Hoovering? Chhheeecck. Smear campaign? No idea (yet 💀) but probably check. The rest I'm sure is coming. Fun times.
This can make them stalking you - also indirectly through their enablers.
These people are so messed up and are incapable of loving anyone but themselves!
One of the last times I communicated with my mom, just prior to no contact, she said, crying, that she knew she hadn't been a good mother, but she was so sick when we were kids. And that she loved us dearly, and that we were SO wanted and loved. And that she was so sorry. I wouldn't have bought it anyway, as she lied freely in support of her agenda. But then she checked, to see if I bought it.
Despite her (claimed) ill health, by golly she got up, got a job, and lived another 10 years. Whining at every possible opportunity.
Being 1,000 miles away really helped.
Very wise words ~ good indicator is when Mom says, "but you know he really loved you", that alcoholic SOB! liberation comes w realization that "no contact" means NO contact ever again!!
I’ve been no contact since 2014- what was her reaction? To smear my name to anyone that would listen! Team up with my ex husband…She cares far more about extended family and randoms than her child. THAT confirmed to me that I did the right thing… sad but I remind myself that I am Not responsible for her nor do I need to tolerate abuse! It’s very sad for her tho- she doesn’t want to see the truth or be better, just for me to accept her abusive ways. 🤷♀️
That’s a firm NO FROM ME!
Thank you Jerry! Ur the best!
Thank you SO much for this video! It came at the perfect time as I'm trying to do just that...leave my aging narc parent. And everything you mentioned she pulled when I left the house back in 2020. Every single thing! The smear campaigns, the threats (threatening to throw out my belongings threatening to take me out of her will etc), getting others involved, even getting her hairdresser to reach out and text me. LOL She played the victim and painted a picture of being "worried about me" to others all the while raging to my siblings about me and leaving me angry messages behind closed doors. I moved back in with her when an apartment and job fell through. I was horrified and didn't want to but i literally had nowhere to go. Was trying to avoid homelessness. Since then it has been a living hell. My car ended up dying and now I am stuck using her car but she won't allow me to use it to work a job so that i can save money and get myself a used one! Talk about control! I can only use it for drs appointments and to go to a job coach for my job searches AND OF COURSE to drive her around everywhere she needs to go...groceries, drs, etc etc. It is insane. I literally lock myself in my bedroom all day. I've lost so much weight. 77 pounds b/c i can't cook in her house either. that's another story. so i'm living on raw veggies, avacado, eggs that I buy that are already pre-cooked/hard-boiled. It's a nightmare. These narcs do NOT change! And they get worse with age! If anyone reads this please believe me. Get out and move far away. If you live close by them they will guilt you and manipulate you into taking care of them while at the same time painting you as a horrific son or daughter. They are sick in the head. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.
Your comment was the best one I read here... threatening to throw out property , the endless Smear campaign, threatening to leave you out of the will, then wanting you to be a servant just for a place to sleep when you can't even cook in the house and live like a normal person ...to me this is sadistic personality disorder
Jerry, thank you very much for your work. I was shocked when my mother declared to our aquaintances that I was dead, but now I understood it's common behaviour for a narcisist.
I wish for everyone to remember this when no contact is proving to be harder then expected; U need your own love to save your heart ❤️✨
I will celebrate when she goes under. Was always a good daughter, a good sibling, person and friend. My refusal to enable her lies, acts, and games, plus being confident and self sufficient, w unshakable resilience, caused her to despise me ? She can rot in hell where she belongs. I'm good, finally.
They, the narcissistic parents, will set out to destroy your reputation by gossiping and spreading lies to turn everyone against you, you are right. She even sucker punched me from the grave by thanking her very-well-compensated person who brought her cigarettes as she slowly died of COPD.
I finally made all the connections at 59. I spent my entire childhood lonely, neglected and abandoned by both of them. Why should I feel sorry for you now?
Trying to break free from controlling, narcissistic parents and family members can become a life-long endeavour if they decide to follow you wherever you go.
Love that last part about abandoning the self. Thank you.
Spot on. Thank you for your brilliant observations of what happens when you abandon your Narcisistic parent. Let them think and do what they want, they are adults and you don’t teach grownups how to behave. We must not abandon ourselves because then we will feel very lonely and abandoned.
Wow. Spot on. I didn’t expect anything but I got attacked by them. They were cruel even with their will. I thought I was alone going through all this but it is good to know they were normal in their toxic reactions.
Another wise message! So appreciate this… it’s hard but it’s liberating ❤
Had to go NO CONTACT for my own safety upon the death of Mom. Still hurts, but the right decision! He used ALL tricks, 2!😮
I finally have peace
I perceive I've abandoned my parent. Because going "No Contact" is a conscious decision to abandon a person/relationship.
And therein lays the problem.