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My parents twisted that too. Instead of demanding silence my parents threatened me with exposure of how bad I was. I believed them and was grateful that they didn’t expose me. I believed them.
I know that feeling all too well arguing over the smallest minute things like they were the end of the world even right before school awful terrible feeling
So well put Jerry . It was all malignant. I didn't realize until I was 21 yrs old. I thought it was normal for my father to glare at me like he hated me. I thought my cool, aloof mother was normal. I thought my very angry disrespectful older sister was normal. None of them ever addressed my fears or loneliness, but I thought it was normal. Now I know better and I feel robbed.
My father definitely was a narcissist. I don't think he ever loved his children unless it was convenient for him including my mother. And this why I won't have or adopt children.
😢My narc. Parents were convinced my sister and me had mental problems, we were 6 years old, and took us to a child psychologist.. In the consultation, with my parents, the psychologist came physically close to me, and asked what was wrong, several times.. Insisting.. I blurted out: " they dont love us" The silence... Psychologist and parents muffled convo ,in the other room.. Then in the car ride home, the silent treatment.. And we were never brought in front of a psychologist again. I remember the shaming I had for saying anything, the black cloud over me, the reprimanding at "home" (We were always told , it was "their house, their rules, not ours") for speaking out for a long time I had The evil eye stares.. The Silent treatment.. Shaming... I was 6 or 7 years old.. It was 45 years later my sister reminded me of this blinder I played then..
@jerrywise You’re 100% correct! My husband was raised by a narcissist mother, he told me he just thought everyone else’s family was weird! At 51 years old he’s now piecing everything together. It’s so sad and my heart literally breaks for him. We made the mistake of agreeing to buying a home with her and living together which has turned into a nightmare! The lies and smear campaign she has launched against us is completely insane! She thought she could have my husband all to herself and we should live by her rules like children. It’s completely mind blowing and the stress she has caused us is unbelievable. We watch you daily to help us cope during this difficult time. 😢🙏🏻
I went through the same with my x husband who was a Narcissist so was his mother a Narcissist also. I was brave to get out of my marriage and got a divorce. My x husband was abusive to me in everyway.
@@lo-ul8nq I’m so sorry, I understand how much hurt you have been through 😞 My husband is honestly the sweetest person ever. He is thoughtful and kind and we are an amazing team! His NMom took advantage of his kindness and lost her mind with jealousy watching us live a happy life. She tried really hard to break us up, but we overcame the struggle. It’s still painful for us knowing we are dealing with this. She says things to him like you don’t pay attention to me, you just sit there and talk to your wife. Or you only wanted me here for my money or blamed him because she gained weight , apparently because we don’t eat at the same time everyday or we eat the wrong foods. Mind you she is totally capable of being able to shop, cook and do whatever she wants, but she wanted us to dote on her like a queen and follow her robotic daily routine with her. She lost her mind when we told her you do you until you are no longer able to, then we will take care of you. We both work FT and are raising our 15yo daughter, who she doesn’t even try to talk to.
My x wife grew up with narcissistic mom, she went no contact with her for two years and then hoovered herself back in. In the end she became like her mom, did things her mother did and acted like her mother.
I was exhausted after the things I did to seek the approval of my narcissistic parents. I joined the US Army when I was 18 years old, did a combat deployment with the 101st Airborne, got honorable discharged, got an Associate Degree in General Studies, transferred to the University of California Santa Barbara for a Bachelors Degree in History, started a business as a personal trainer, and worked every day of the week. I thought that after achieving those things I would earn their respect and love. I was wrong. There's nothing I could have done to earn their respect. They always had a new goal post. Every time I met them for dinner when I had time off, they insulted me. All those things I accomplished just gave them more ammo to hate me.
The thing I have realized with my parents is that the key issue is that you're not them. Whatever I do, unless it's 100 % perfect in some vague way, my mother always thinks of what she would want if she were me or how I would do things if she were me, always gaslights me that she's just trying to help or that I don't know what I actually do know. To them you will always be less than them, only because you're not them. Compared to you, my greatest life achievement is being technically a college dropout who is nominally still studying, so congratulations on all your achivements.
@@seriouscat2231 My parents wanted me to be a clone of them, but I'm pretty sure if I did that, they would still find a way to put me down. I noticed the one thing my narcissistic parents wanted the most was for me to be down so they could feel superior to me. My father went into a rage when I bought a used car without requesting his help. I think he wanted me living in a box and riding a bicycle around town so he could feel superior to me in his brand new car.
My mother was a malignant narrcicist, my therapist explained that's why I married my physical and verbal abusive husband, because it felt so normal, after 43 years married my husband has not changed nor has my 89 year old mother. Jerry you are helping me cope, blessings.
That's how my husband and myself stepped into this kinda bs. My mom is a narcissist. His mom is a narcissist. I dated a narcissist, twice. My husband had two kids with one. I decided to not have kids. I'm trying to save us problems. Because I could see the math on this. Wouldn't be good.
I have only recently learned, or allowed myself to learn, (it was a shocking moment, one that I could not unsee), that my family is exactly this: "malignantly normal". What a perfect descriptor for such an awful thing. I am now on a healing journey, trying to learn to love, trust and forgive myself while distancing with no contact. I've got a long road ahead of me, you have helped me more than I could ever express. Thank you, Jerry💙
no program of yours has hit home as much as this one. im 70. years old and moved 3 states away from my 2 siblings. as a solo woman. decades of grievous betrayal. full PTSD.. 2 broken dysfunctional marriages. just. crashing through life. my upbringing.... working myself to deaths door... never good enough... a loving mother who stayed with my criminally abusive father. constant pain for decades. abuse and betrayal tactics that was encouraged in my sister. denial the norm. narcism.. a gift that keeps giving.
My childhood was splattered with hate and toxicity. Constant lying, conditional love, manipulation, constant devalueing, zero praise, harsh punishments, physical and emotional abuse. If I think back of my childhood I want to puke. The fact that my parents did not love each other or me is overwhelmingly sad and it hurts like hell. My parents stole the possibility of an easy life from me. I cut tues with my family years ago and am recovering since then. I'm at a stage we're I can finally learn to grow up and turn into the adult I should have been years ago. I needed to learn self compassion and found a way to silence the voice of my narcistic mother in my head.
My whole life has been toxic. Alcohol dad, narcissistic mom. Fighting back and forth all my life. Never teaching me to be confident and independent. Teaching me to give into my fears. Them rarely talking to me and never reaching out. Telling my business to my sisters and judging me for being me. I feel like most of the days I am a shell of a person. I'm too anxious to do anything, I'm super insecure, depressed most days, have low income, no job or transportation, and not many friends. I feel like I was set up for failure. All I've wanted was for them to heal and work on themselves and have a loving relationship but that'll never happen. I am trying to work on my mental health and have been for a long time. It's a hard and lonely road to travel on.
I can feel your pain but I can also feel that you understand that you are a beautiful,unique and special soul just the way you are as well! Learn to turn this childhood curse, into a blessing and a gift ….and bloom into something special that all healthy people will cherish forever. You got this ❤
It sounds like my situation alcoholic father/narcissistic mother. It’s a very difficult way to grow up. Do you have siblings and are you in good relationships with them?
I can relate to everything you said. I will just talk about one of the things you mentioned. We were never to tell anyone about how bad things were at home. For instance, food. It was the cheapest possible food and it was strictly limited. One time I took a tiny second helping of salad and my mother screamed "You are taking too much!" and used her fingers to take it off my plate and put it back into the bowl. She also would tell people right in front of me "We were told she would be small, and indeed, she is." Everyone I knew grew much taller than their parents. I was inches shorter than them. It was certainly due to the limited portions of the dreadful food, none of which I can eat today. Finally, one time my sister told people about how badly we ate. My mother exploded. She said my sister had revealed "family secrets." So our poor and meager diet was a secret? I went no contact in 2006 and it was the best thing I ever did. That stopped the craziness cold. Forever.
Absolutely spot on as always, Jerry! My elderly narcissistic mother passed away recently, freeing me from a lifetime of torment and resulting anxiety. But I still listen to your videos, in order to get a deeper understanding of what the dynamic was that I was conditioned by, so as to heal and move forward with my life in a healthy and positive way. Thanks for all you do!
They become the “Hidden-Underwriters” that script your life founded on fear of the risk of you losing their love… your innocent being longing for love, praise and acceptance, obliges like a puppet on strings!
AuDHD and the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic mother and weak father. Childhood was trial by fire. There was NO safe place for me. Church was the closest place to “safe” I knew, and that was just because I wasn’t actively abused there. It was not safe to be a child, much less be “myself”. Edit: spelling correction
a narc household is never a safe place. that is so true. good point you made! as an adult i still feel this. my mother and siblings are not safe to be around. i refuse to share anything with them. they'll simply use whatever info they have against me anyway. so why bother? And prayer has become my only source of solace. I'm grateful for prayer. It helps ground me. I listen to gregorian chant which is so helpful too.
I just stopped trying. The monsters were just looking for any excuse to release their rage and ridicule so why try? Anything I did would invite the full fury of their rage release. I still just stop as my primary response to pretty much everything.
"Malegnant normalcy" perfectly describes it. Good work. I lived with Narrsistic Parents for a long time. It is consuming and you feel buried. It takes work but you can overcome.
My brother dumped his 3 year old, mother kicked me out of my room and she shared my room with her. I had to sleep with my dad. At 14 she shipped me off to another country because is was a "problem". When I was dragged back home by her because my dad passed and so did my other brother I became her new victim all over again. I bailed at 18, got married, moved to the US and never looked back. The only time I went back was when she had some strokes and after she passed. I hated being home. Unfortunately, I have a Narc monster in law. No contact with her, we both had enough of her crap.
I can't find words to tell how therapeutic and useful this video is. You are a master not only in understanding and explaining the narcisistic dynamics but also in healing from narcisistic abuse. Thank you very much! And LET'S BE WISE! 🏆👏👏👏
Normal for "them", tried saying that to mom and she quickly backlashed there was no such thing "As normal", one could never define what that was, ok, so much for that idea and that's more reinforcement for no one liking the truth sayers.😊
Very good description Jerry. Also my mother was so tyrannical that you could never call it normal but what was made normal was my father’s manipulation of us kids was the one who set up the malignant notmalcy
this video resonated with me so much Jerry. you just described the past 45 years of my life on this earth. so grateful and appreciated your insights as always. 💯
I think the worst thing is that these patterns make you hurt other people and it’s difficult to identify what the correct choice is in so many situation that you are bound to mess up at some point, adding to the overall anxiety and stress.
I wish they made like a handbook or something to teach people healthy … i guess being in general? Like I can understand the issues with myself myself but it’s really difficult to fix without either actually trying things out or a good example I can learn from. And internal stuff is difficult in particular. Because usually you would assume that people struggle with similar things and are just better at being successful and healthy regardless. But I wonder how much of that, and in which areas in particular, is actually true. Like I found out that there are people who are just generally fine most days. Is that actually true?
Thank you Jerry, my inner child needed to hear this. You bring to words, thoughts and feeling that my inner child experienced growing up but could not say because of my narcissistic family set standards. I am slowly trying to be nice to myself…. Thank you for all your help and videos that you have shared with us
Different ages and from different parts of the world.Thank you Jerry, ot’s very sad to see how much continues but also helpful beyond words to get the right information.
Jerry, just wanted to thank you for all the work you do putting these videos together. You have truly been so helpful to me in navigating through recovering from narcissistic abuse. I wonder if you could ever do a video about people who develop eating disorders in response to their abusive/neglectful upbringing? I developed binge eating disorder after experiencing sexual abuse between ages 9-12, as a coping mechanism. Is this something that is a challenge for others?
Right, Master’s doesn’t = doctor. He is competent in these subjects for sure. Credentials mean nothing, definitively, in regards to competence. You don’t need any credentials to be competent, technically speaking. But he is not a doctor.
Thanks you!! 🙌🏿✨️🦋 This reminds me of something I wrote when I had overwhelming feelings of shame and fear whenever I was about to do something new, especially whenever I was about to do something that would elevate my life or whenever I was about to break off from a toxic dynamic. I had these intensefeelings and didnt know where it was coming from. At times i would literally be frozen between fear and wanting to "take the leap". I had so much anxiety as well about what would the outcome be? But, this video helped me put a name to those feelings and it applies to so many scenerios as well: " I'm ready to fly now But I have so many doubts I have so many doubts 'Cuz 'round and 'round in my brain Every time I try to take a leap I hear them say ," Shame, don't forget the name we gave. Your name is Shame Words from Lovers, family, and friends Spun 'round and 'round in my head the loudest They kept telling me " Girl, don't stop loving me " Just forget the turmoil that we bring to your mind, heart and Soul (just keep loving me) Though you got a crazy mind Your love us one of a kind (don't stop loving me And, if you keep us accountable We will remind you you're not loveable (just please, please don't stop loving me) Or we will never let you forget The name we gave Always remember...your name is Shame" I wrote this 3 years ago and still struggle with it. Not as much as before, but it's still there. This video just helped elevate mindfulness whenever I make a change, speak up for myself, or leave a Toxic dynamic. Omg! I'm so excited to do the work when these feelings come up again! Thank you so much, Jerry. Crying happy tears rn lol 🙌🏿✨️🦋
I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned it here, but it bears repeating. After fleeing our home when our father became too dangerous, I joined what turned out to be a religious cult, in which my husband became the chief elder. He never even acted like he liked me, and no one in that group cared what happened to me, only about how I met their needs and standards. I felt judgment and criticism daily, and my ex told everyone that if he hadn’t married me, I’d be a whore. He and the other elders, who lived with us, had a great time micro-managing my life, and I don’t believe I ever heard a “thank you,” for all the work I did for them. I only ever heard about what they thought I was doing wrong. None of this seemed much different from my life growing up, except that there was no violence. I was so grateful for not being physically abused, that I thought I should not ask for more. Like having someone actually love me. That was too much to ask. My ex told me he’d let me know if I did something he liked, but never actually did. He complained that I was not “organized and discipline” enough, and it was his main complaint. It was enough. This has been a pattern in my life, both with my family, and people I lived and associated with. Therapy helped a lot, and I learned that I have CPTSD. This is no easy road to walk, but it’s gotten much easier. I’m 71, and wish I’d known all this fifty years ago.
So so on point. Thank you. Sometimes I have thought I am a narcissist myself duec to the modeling and not knowing .my own self. Its been jard to maintain no contact ..and I live in fear of reyaliation from my my cult family who have normalised toxic abuse and emotional neglect. And I am theproblem always. Ots exhausting.
Im just breaking bonds with my brother.(we're the oldest survivors of a 10 member dysfunctional family) I'm having trouble not communicating. Your short videos help. Thank you! (I'm overwhelmed with bad memories when I watch full episodes. Then I process with self love affirmations an turn my attention onto other tasks I have to do. )
Thank You. Just being able to name and identify what was happening helps immensely . I often have no idea where to start in countering what my Narcdad lectured into me since before I was in daycare.
Indeed 💔😢. I’m so stuck w quietness and hush shoved down my throat. So tired of being gaslit as troublemaker for shining some light on our learned darkness growing up in alcoholic and other dysfunction 💔😢💞💙🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💙💞
I have always been the empathic Family Scapegoat. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one to spend his entire life as "the problem". "Love" has always been conditional. Acceptance has been unobtainable under my covert narc mother. She divorced my step dad years ago. He and I stayed in contact and he was encouraging to me. When she realized this, she became insanely jealous and mobilized. She moved back in with him all the way from Boise Idaho to Phoenix AZ. Since, she has affectively transformed him into another one of her flying monkeys triangulating against me. I am now all alone without a single family member. I'm still trying to go "no contact", however I am now ill and codependent. The worse I look, the better she looks as the moralistic martyr. She has always been the two-faced silent leader of the linch mob against me. She is a nasty wretched little toad. I will only be satisfied when she is far out of my rearview mirror. Currently I am a mess. Thanks to Jerry and this community for shedding light on the actual reality. Nice not to be gaslit for a change.
Jerry, Thank you for all the truth and love that you give out to everybody who wants to watch!!! Part of my self-love is listening to you and Yitz . It feels good to hear clarity, truth , and reminders to focus on precious me.
I was one of three girls, the middle child, who was born different, more sensitive; I have had to deal with all these things/tips for selfcare- all my life. My sisters have taken on the mantel of my Mom's naracissism, I have no one left ( my grandma and father were different like me, but they are gone).And my husband was first son of alcoholic, he has taken on some of his father's patterns, even though he was seriously hurt. Now he is going thru dimentia snd I am being treated as the enemy; I am totally worn out and exhausted.
Tracey, my heart goes out to you. One truth that has helped me is that I am no one’s Savior. I can be a listener, a helper within my abilities, but I cannot be the one who saves anyone. That has taken the load off. I can point others to the Savior and pray for them and with them. But they must reach out for their own healing and answers. Reach out yourself and pray for the peace that passes all understanding. And for Strength and Help from above. And know you are not alone. Peace to you.
They don't teach you anything that elevates your self esteem, makes you feel capable and good. They don't protect or teach, everything is about them. They crush who you are because it's seen as a threat. One of my memories is at around 7 being woken and made to stand in the living room while I was yelled at around berated over a piece of furniture that the glue from my scrap book had stuck to it and damaged it. My mother stood there and let my father do that. That's like when my kitten ripped my wallpaper because I wasn't supervising and left her alone. She was being a kitten, was I upset, sure I was but it was my fault. A kitten is a kitten and and child is a child! Nobody was ever watching out for me and any mistake was harshly punished. Yet their many mistakes just swept away! They allowed me to get beaten up 3 times by their friends kid, which is far more agregious. I couldn't walk for weeks after one time, yet that was just kid stuff apparently!
Here's some irony: I looked up the definition of toxic or dysfunctional family and saw a great deal of characteristics. No big deal there. However, if you tell a parent that their family is toxic or dysfunctional and aligns with those attributes, they become defensive. Of course, I know why: It says that you are imperfect and flawed, which is contrary to their view of themselves.
No, that is not accurate. A life coach is not someone who has a doctorate. Nor an MD. Or DO. Your own narcissism is showing with that comment you made… you just couldn’t admit your mistake so you went further down the rabbit hole. Shows how unproductive these videos and channels really are…
Thank you for this great reminder and understanding!!! Hoping this helps me embrace how far I have come in healing. Seems I forget that important fact often enough.
I was raised up by German officers. Everything and literally everything between parents and kids was like a psychological warfare, they intimidated, crossed every border, lied, jokes about the kids feelings they pretend to have, stonewalling, provocation, guilt tripping, projection......it's hell. And this is not exaggerated.
Hey Jerry. It is not easy to "observe" the familial malignant normalcy. We often get triggered into our old ways just being in their presence. So I tend to cut them off completely. But thank you for your videos.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Thank you as usual Dr. Wise. So relatable.
Where is the your book 😅😅😅
So true about the ‘not allowed to talk about the family or problems within it’ have to keep it all ‘secret’
My parents twisted that too. Instead of demanding silence my parents threatened me with exposure of how bad I was. I believed them and was grateful that they didn’t expose me. I believed them.
Yes
yep and when they find out you've confided in others about the family issues you become the problem.
@@fredworthmnmy mother told me several times when I was an adult ‘it’s best not to talk about things’. She meant it.
There was no love in the household I grew up in. It was a war zone.
Yes, I had quite the unhealthy family, too!
I went through the same
@@lo-ul8nq same here.
No safe place in my family home 😒
I know that feeling all too well arguing over the smallest minute things like they were the end of the world even right before school awful terrible feeling
What I thought was love, as a kid, was actually emotional dependency. But I got over it.
So well put Jerry . It was all malignant. I didn't realize until I was 21 yrs old. I thought it was normal for my father to glare at me like he hated me. I thought my cool, aloof mother was normal. I thought my very angry disrespectful older sister was normal. None of them ever addressed my fears or loneliness, but I thought it was normal. Now I know better and I feel robbed.
My father definitely was a narcissist. I don't think he ever loved his children unless it was convenient for him including my mother. And this why I won't have or adopt children.
My mom and my husband's mom are narcissist's. I decided not to have kids just to save ourselves the problems they would most likely create.
“Push you into malignant relationships “ - oh my goodness yes ! Needed to hear that
😢My narc. Parents were convinced my sister and me had mental problems, we were 6 years old, and took us to a child psychologist..
In the consultation, with my parents, the psychologist came physically close to me, and asked what was wrong, several times..
Insisting..
I blurted out:
" they dont love us"
The silence...
Psychologist and parents muffled convo ,in the other room..
Then in the car ride home, the silent treatment.. And we were never brought in front of a psychologist again.
I remember the shaming I had for saying anything, the black cloud over me, the reprimanding at "home"
(We were always told , it was "their house, their rules, not ours")
for speaking out for a long time I had
The evil eye stares..
The Silent treatment..
Shaming...
I was 6 or 7 years old..
It was 45 years later my sister reminded me of this blinder I played then..
@jonsimmons4150 I'm glad you survived. I too had a very unusual upbringing. Nice to know that I'm not the only one who went through hell
You and dr. Ramani Durvasula are top tier psychologists in revealing narcs true nature.
Ramani Durvasala triggers me for some reason. I can’t even listen to her anymore. Jay Reid is very good.
@CS-rb4qi yes Jay Reid very good. Read his book...very, very informative
If she triggers you that's a you problem
Love Dr Ramani. And Jerry too. 🎉
Dr. Ramani triggered me too sometimes, still can't figure out why. It might be a me problem. It might be something else.
@jerrywise
You’re 100% correct! My husband was raised by a narcissist mother, he told me he just thought everyone else’s family was weird! At 51 years old he’s now piecing everything together. It’s so sad and my heart literally breaks for him. We made the mistake of agreeing to buying a home with her and living together which has turned into a nightmare! The lies and smear campaign she has launched against us is completely insane! She thought she could have my husband all to herself and we should live by her rules like children. It’s completely mind blowing and the stress she has caused us is unbelievable. We watch you daily to help us cope during this difficult time. 😢🙏🏻
I went through the same with my x husband who was a Narcissist so was his mother a Narcissist also. I was brave to get out of my marriage and got a divorce. My x husband was abusive to me in everyway.
@@lo-ul8nq I’m so sorry, I understand how much hurt you have been through 😞 My husband is honestly the sweetest person ever. He is thoughtful and kind and we are an amazing team! His NMom took advantage of his kindness and lost her mind with jealousy watching us live a happy life. She tried really hard to break us up, but we overcame the struggle. It’s still painful for us knowing we are dealing with this. She says things to him like you don’t pay attention to me, you just sit there and talk to your wife. Or you only wanted me here for my money or blamed him because she gained weight , apparently because we don’t eat at the same time everyday or we eat the wrong foods. Mind you she is totally capable of being able to shop, cook and do whatever she wants, but she wanted us to dote on her like a queen and follow her robotic daily routine with her. She lost her mind when we told her you do you until you are no longer able to, then we will take care of you. We both work FT and are raising our 15yo daughter, who she doesn’t even try to talk to.
Do WHATEVER YOU MUST to go no contact.
Identical story. So tough. Step away with love.
My x wife grew up with narcissistic mom, she went no contact with her for two years and then hoovered herself back in. In the end she became like her mom, did things her mother did and acted like her mother.
I was exhausted after the things I did to seek the approval of my narcissistic parents. I joined the US Army when I was 18 years old, did a combat deployment with the 101st Airborne, got honorable discharged, got an Associate Degree in General Studies, transferred to the University of California Santa Barbara for a Bachelors Degree in History, started a business as a personal trainer, and worked every day of the week. I thought that after achieving those things I would earn their respect and love. I was wrong. There's nothing I could have done to earn their respect. They always had a new goal post. Every time I met them for dinner when I had time off, they insulted me. All those things I accomplished just gave them more ammo to hate me.
Thank you for your service!
The thing I have realized with my parents is that the key issue is that you're not them. Whatever I do, unless it's 100 % perfect in some vague way, my mother always thinks of what she would want if she were me or how I would do things if she were me, always gaslights me that she's just trying to help or that I don't know what I actually do know. To them you will always be less than them, only because you're not them. Compared to you, my greatest life achievement is being technically a college dropout who is nominally still studying, so congratulations on all your achivements.
@@seriouscat2231 My parents wanted me to be a clone of them, but I'm pretty sure if I did that, they would still find a way to put me down. I noticed the one thing my narcissistic parents wanted the most was for me to be down so they could feel superior to me. My father went into a rage when I bought a used car without requesting his help. I think he wanted me living in a box and riding a bicycle around town so he could feel superior to me in his brand new car.
Sorry to hear that.
My mother was a malignant narrcicist, my therapist explained that's why I married my physical and verbal abusive husband, because it felt so normal, after 43 years married my husband has not changed nor has my 89 year old mother. Jerry you are helping me cope, blessings.
My exact story.
Same here.
Mine too
That's how my husband and myself stepped into this kinda bs. My mom is a narcissist. His mom is a narcissist. I dated a narcissist, twice. My husband had two kids with one. I decided to not have kids. I'm trying to save us problems. Because I could see the math on this. Wouldn't be good.
Sometimes I think that this ruthless and cruel violence that was my everyday life destroyed me less than the lack of love and any attention
Trying to live behind enemy lines. No wonder survivors have maladaptive life strategies.
so true. sending love to u from one who knows what you say.
I have only recently learned, or allowed myself to learn, (it was a shocking moment, one that I could not unsee), that my family is exactly this: "malignantly normal". What a perfect descriptor for such an awful thing. I am now on a healing journey, trying to learn to love, trust and forgive myself while distancing with no contact. I've got a long road ahead of me, you have helped me more than I could ever express. Thank you, Jerry💙
Thank you so much
no program of yours has hit home as much as this one.
im 70. years old and moved 3 states away from my 2 siblings. as a solo woman. decades of grievous betrayal. full PTSD.. 2 broken dysfunctional marriages. just. crashing through life. my upbringing.... working myself to deaths door... never good enough...
a loving mother who stayed with my criminally abusive father. constant pain for decades. abuse and betrayal tactics that was encouraged in my sister. denial the norm.
narcism.. a gift that keeps giving.
My family definitely made all of this toxic dynamic very normal.
I live in an area that does this, as well. Because of the pretence in the family and greater culture, it wasn’t obvious.
Now it is. A bit late.
@@Ketowski Never too late to heal and have a loving childhood. Jerry will show you how.
@@ar7tis5227 Only children can have a loving childhood. And it’s a bit late for other, more toxic reasons.
My childhood was splattered with hate and toxicity. Constant lying, conditional love, manipulation, constant devalueing, zero praise, harsh punishments, physical and emotional abuse.
If I think back of my childhood I want to puke. The fact that my parents did not love each other or me is overwhelmingly sad and it hurts like hell.
My parents stole the possibility of an easy life from me.
I cut tues with my family years ago and am recovering since then. I'm at a stage we're I can finally learn to grow up and turn into the adult I should have been years ago.
I needed to learn self compassion and found a way to silence the voice of my narcistic mother in my head.
My whole life has been toxic. Alcohol dad, narcissistic mom. Fighting back and forth all my life. Never teaching me to be confident and independent. Teaching me to give into my fears. Them rarely talking to me and never reaching out. Telling my business to my sisters and judging me for being me. I feel like most of the days I am a shell of a person. I'm too anxious to do anything, I'm super insecure, depressed most days, have low income, no job or transportation, and not many friends. I feel like I was set up for failure. All I've wanted was for them to heal and work on themselves and have a loving relationship but that'll never happen. I am trying to work on my mental health and have been for a long time. It's a hard and lonely road to travel on.
Sounds like you had rough time with them
I can feel your pain but I can also feel that you understand that you are a beautiful,unique and special soul just the way you are as well!
Learn to turn this childhood curse, into a blessing and a gift ….and bloom into something special that all healthy people will cherish forever.
You got this ❤
It sounds like my situation alcoholic father/narcissistic mother. It’s a very difficult way to grow up. Do you have siblings and are you in good relationships with them?
@annettelynch4088 I do have siblings but we have no relationship together.
@theliftexpert I appreciate your kind words, thank you. You're right about turning it into something good. Gotta keep trying. ❤️
I can relate to everything you said. I will just talk about one of the things you mentioned. We were never to tell anyone about how bad things were at home. For instance, food. It was the cheapest possible food and it was strictly limited. One time I took a tiny second helping of salad and my mother screamed "You are taking too much!" and used her fingers to take it off my plate and put it back into the bowl. She also would tell people right in front of me "We were told she would be small, and indeed, she is." Everyone I knew grew much taller than their parents. I was inches shorter than them. It was certainly due to the limited portions of the dreadful food, none of which I can eat today. Finally, one time my sister told people about how badly we ate. My mother exploded. She said my sister had revealed "family secrets." So our poor and meager diet was a secret? I went no contact in 2006 and it was the best thing I ever did. That stopped the craziness cold. Forever.
@marilyndee969 Wow.. crazy sh&t 🤯. You couldn’t make it up- well done getting away and telling your story
Absolutely spot on as always, Jerry! My elderly narcissistic mother passed away recently, freeing me from a lifetime of torment and resulting anxiety. But I still listen to your videos, in order to get a deeper understanding of what the dynamic was that I was conditioned by, so as to heal and move forward with my life in a healthy and positive way. Thanks for all you do!
They become the “Hidden-Underwriters” that script your life founded on fear of the risk of you losing their love… your innocent being longing for love, praise and acceptance, obliges like a puppet on strings!
You sir hit the nail on the head i do believe i had at least one parent like this maybe both
Dziękujemy.
Thank you so much, Jerry! All of your videos have been so informative and have helped me beyond words. So grateful for you!
AuDHD and the scapegoat daughter of a narcissistic mother and weak father. Childhood was trial by fire. There was NO safe place for me. Church was the closest place to “safe” I knew, and that was just because I wasn’t actively abused there. It was not safe to be a child, much less be “myself”.
Edit: spelling correction
'It was not safe to be a child, much less be “myself”. this so resonated with me
☝️🕊️
Same issues - Church was a sanctuary, but still kind of limited.
No child of a narcissistic parent is “safe”
a narc household is never a safe place. that is so true. good point you made! as an adult i still feel this. my mother and siblings are not safe to be around. i refuse to share anything with them. they'll simply use whatever info they have against me anyway. so why bother? And prayer has become my only source of solace. I'm grateful for prayer. It helps ground me. I listen to gregorian chant which is so helpful too.
I pray God bless me with a job so I can move out of this cult. Thank you Jerry for always being there for the community ❤
I just stopped trying. The monsters were just looking for any excuse to release their rage and ridicule so why try? Anything I did would invite the full fury of their rage release. I still just stop as my primary response to pretty much everything.
Malignant Tumor is what came to mind..
Love = good performance, making them look good.
I get so much value from all your vudeos Jerry. 🎉
"Malegnant normalcy" perfectly describes it. Good work. I lived with Narrsistic Parents for a long time. It is consuming and you feel buried. It takes work but you can overcome.
My brother dumped his 3 year old, mother kicked me out of my room and she shared my room with her. I had to sleep with my dad. At 14 she shipped me off to another country because is was a "problem". When I was dragged back home by her because my dad passed and so did my other brother I became her new victim all over again. I bailed at 18, got married, moved to the US and never looked back. The only time I went back was when she had some strokes and after she passed. I hated being home. Unfortunately, I have a Narc monster in law. No contact with her, we both had enough of her crap.
Oh you NEED to write a book Mr. Wise.
Working on it now. Thank yoi
I can't find words to tell how therapeutic and useful this video is. You are a master not only in understanding and explaining the narcisistic dynamics but also in healing from narcisistic abuse. Thank you very much! And LET'S BE WISE! 🏆👏👏👏
These videos are helping my children and I to understand what happened 7 years ago and what is the mindset of these people
You are providing tools for us to save our own lives Jerry. I can’t thank you enough❤
Normal for "them", tried saying that to mom and she quickly backlashed there was no such thing "As normal", one could never define what that was, ok, so much for that idea and that's more reinforcement for no one liking the truth sayers.😊
I also struggled a lot to understand what is normal. Then I heard "normal is what is healthy and natural". Hope this will help you.
Very good description Jerry. Also my mother was so tyrannical that you could never call it normal but what was made normal was my father’s manipulation of us kids was the one who set up the malignant notmalcy
this video resonated with me so much Jerry. you just described the past 45 years of my life on this earth. so grateful and appreciated your insights as always. 💯
I think the worst thing is that these patterns make you hurt other people and it’s difficult to identify what the correct choice is in so many situation that you are bound to mess up at some point, adding to the overall anxiety and stress.
I wish they made like a handbook or something to teach people healthy … i guess being in general? Like I can understand the issues with myself myself but it’s really difficult to fix without either actually trying things out or a good example I can learn from. And internal stuff is difficult in particular. Because usually you would assume that people struggle with similar things and are just better at being successful and healthy regardless. But I wonder how much of that, and in which areas in particular, is actually true. Like I found out that there are people who are just generally fine most days. Is that actually true?
Thanks for talking about me, Jerry. I was the one who was pushed into that graduate programme… ruined my mental health and thereby my life.
❤ you Jerry!! Have a merry Christmas :-)
Absolutely, especially at Christmas...
Spot on! Every word you say, and not only in this video, is so real, touches the core of a personal experience. Thank you!
Easier said than done, but it's important to remember and learn to be calm, and stay centered in your calm.
Mr.Wise, again a spot on video on the matter! It's awesome how you communicate all that! Clear, essential, "un-dramatic"!!!! So appreciated!!!
Thank you Jerry, my inner child needed to hear this. You bring to words, thoughts and feeling that my inner child experienced growing up but could not say because of my narcissistic family set standards. I am slowly trying to be nice to myself…. Thank you for all your help and videos that you have shared with us
You are so welcome
Different ages and from different parts of the world.Thank you Jerry, ot’s very sad to see how much continues but also helpful beyond words to get the right information.
Yet again Jerry. I didn't just like. But loved ur video 💖👌🙏🌲☘️😊
So very thankful for this much needed help. Im starting to see the light.
Jerry, just wanted to thank you for all the work you do putting these videos together. You have truly been so helpful to me in navigating through recovering from narcissistic abuse. I wonder if you could ever do a video about people who develop eating disorders in response to their abusive/neglectful upbringing? I developed binge eating disorder after experiencing sexual abuse between ages 9-12, as a coping mechanism. Is this something that is a challenge for others?
I have learned so much from your channel, you have helped me immensely.
That's awesome!
Hello Jerry, greatings from Poland!
Intrigue.... Betrayal..... And Stool Softener! Words of true wisdom here.
I went NO CONTACT with my 3 horrible EX-siblings as a result a few years ago as part of the collateral damage.
What a helpful video!!!!!!!
Thanks Doc
He’s not a doctor.
@@BB-fo5mr
He has a Master's Degree.
Right, Master’s doesn’t = doctor.
He is competent in these subjects for sure. Credentials mean nothing, definitively, in regards to competence. You don’t need any credentials to be competent, technically speaking. But he is not a doctor.
Thanks you!! 🙌🏿✨️🦋
This reminds me of something I wrote when I had overwhelming feelings of shame and fear whenever I was about to do something new, especially whenever I was about to do something that would elevate my life or whenever I was about to break off from a toxic dynamic.
I had these intensefeelings and didnt know where it was coming from. At times i would literally be frozen between fear and wanting to "take the leap". I had so much anxiety as well about what would the outcome be? But, this video helped me put a name to those feelings and it applies to so many scenerios as well:
" I'm ready to fly now
But I have so many doubts
I have so many doubts
'Cuz 'round and 'round in my brain
Every time I try to take a leap
I hear them say ," Shame, don't forget the name we gave.
Your name is Shame
Words from Lovers, family, and friends
Spun 'round and 'round in my head the loudest
They kept telling me " Girl, don't stop loving me
" Just forget the turmoil that we bring to your mind, heart and Soul (just keep loving me)
Though you got a crazy mind
Your love us one of a kind (don't stop loving me
And, if you keep us accountable
We will remind you you're not loveable (just please, please don't stop loving me)
Or we will never let you forget
The name we gave
Always remember...your name is Shame"
I wrote this 3 years ago and still struggle with it. Not as much as before, but it's still there. This video just helped elevate mindfulness whenever I make a change, speak up for myself, or leave a Toxic dynamic. Omg! I'm so excited to do the work when these feelings come up again!
Thank you so much, Jerry. Crying happy tears rn lol 🙌🏿✨️🦋
I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned it here, but it bears repeating. After fleeing our home when our father became too dangerous, I joined what turned out to be a religious cult, in which my husband became the chief elder. He never even acted like he liked me, and no one in that group cared what happened to me, only about how I met their needs and standards. I felt judgment and criticism daily, and my ex told everyone that if he hadn’t married me, I’d be a whore. He and the other elders, who lived with us, had a great time micro-managing my life, and I don’t believe I ever heard a “thank you,” for all the work I did for them. I only ever heard about what they thought I was doing wrong. None of this seemed much different from my life growing up, except that there was no violence. I was so grateful for not being physically abused, that I thought I should not ask for more. Like having someone actually love me. That was too much to ask. My ex told me he’d let me know if I did something he liked, but never actually did. He complained that I was not “organized and discipline” enough, and it was his main complaint. It was enough.
This has been a pattern in my life, both with my family, and people I lived and associated with. Therapy helped a lot, and I learned that I have CPTSD. This is no easy road to walk, but it’s gotten much easier. I’m 71, and wish I’d known all this fifty years ago.
@bethmoore7722 you are doing very well to be able to tell your story so clearly. Compassion and continued healing to you ❤️🩹🌱
So so on point. Thank you. Sometimes I have thought I am a narcissist myself duec to the modeling and not knowing .my own self. Its been jard to maintain no contact ..and I live in fear of reyaliation from my my cult family who have normalised toxic abuse and emotional neglect. And I am theproblem always. Ots exhausting.
This is so informative. Thank you!
Thank you. You are describing my family
Love the purple shirt 💜💜💜💜
This was very helpful.
It is a pretty purple!
So do I!
Thanks again Jerry ❤
Your presentation is part of my morning routine. I am getting stronger every day
You are so welcome
Im just breaking bonds with my brother.(we're the oldest survivors of a 10 member dysfunctional family)
I'm having trouble not communicating.
Your short videos help. Thank you!
(I'm overwhelmed with bad memories when I watch full episodes. Then I process with self love affirmations an turn my attention onto other tasks I have to do. )
No matter how well I did at school or at hobbies or sports, my father never seemed to be happy.
Back again to this video. It is so helpful. Thanks again Jerry. Compassion to all commenting
What a great video. Thanks Jerry❤
Glad you enjoyed it
Narcissistic communication was an eye opener for me 🥺Better late than never to understand such a big part of my past !
Thank You. Just being able to name and identify what was happening helps immensely . I often have no idea where to start in countering what my Narcdad lectured into me since before I was in daycare.
It's one giant mind F and the confusion can be so awful. All of the gas lighting they used as they literally tried to keep us permanently off balance.
Indeed 💔😢. I’m so stuck w quietness and hush shoved down my throat. So tired of being gaslit as troublemaker for shining some light on our learned darkness growing up in alcoholic and other dysfunction 💔😢💞💙🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💙💞
Thank you for your content , it’s very helpful to me ❤
Thank you for another excellent video! So helpful and clear
Thank you , thank you.
You are very welcome
Thank you this is very helpful
I have always been the empathic Family Scapegoat. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one to spend his entire life as "the problem". "Love" has always been conditional. Acceptance has been unobtainable under my covert narc mother. She divorced my step dad years ago. He and I stayed in contact and he was encouraging to me. When she realized this, she became insanely jealous and mobilized. She moved back in with him all the way from Boise Idaho to Phoenix AZ. Since, she has affectively transformed him into another one of her flying monkeys triangulating against me. I am now all alone without a single family member. I'm still trying to go "no contact", however I am now ill and codependent. The worse I look, the better she looks as the moralistic martyr. She has always been the two-faced silent leader of the linch mob against me. She is a nasty wretched little toad. I will only be satisfied when she is far out of my rearview mirror. Currently I am a mess. Thanks to Jerry and this community for shedding light on the actual reality. Nice not to be gaslit for a change.
My situation mirrors yours in many ways. Sending love
Jerry, Thank you for all the truth and love that you give out to everybody who wants to watch!!! Part of my self-love is listening to you and Yitz . It feels good to hear clarity, truth , and reminders to focus on precious me.
You are so welcome
Outstanding, Jerry. It is truly excellent. Blessings always. Eileen
I was one of three girls, the middle child, who was born different, more sensitive; I have had to deal with all these things/tips for selfcare- all my life. My sisters have taken on the mantel of my Mom's naracissism, I have no one left ( my grandma and father were different like me, but they are gone).And my husband was first son of alcoholic, he has taken on some of his father's patterns, even though he was seriously hurt. Now he is going thru dimentia snd I am being treated as the enemy; I am totally worn out and exhausted.
Tracey, my heart goes out to you.
One truth that has helped me is that I am no one’s Savior.
I can be a listener, a helper within my abilities, but I cannot be the one who saves anyone.
That has taken the load off.
I can point others to the Savior and pray for them and with them. But they must reach out for their own healing and answers. Reach out yourself and pray for the peace that passes all understanding. And for Strength and Help from above. And know you are not alone. Peace to you.
Jerry,
Please have all these videos and your program transcribed into a workbook.
JERRY, YOU ARE VERY GOOD, AND I HAVE TO SAY YOU HIT THIS ONE TOTALLY OUT OF THE PARK ❣️❣️❣️❣️ THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ❣️❣️❣️
Wow, thank you!
Cults normalize a dream world where hell is the norm.
Very good one mr. Wise 🙏
They don't teach you anything that elevates your self esteem, makes you feel capable and good. They don't protect or teach, everything is about them. They crush who you are because it's seen as a threat. One of my memories is at around 7 being woken and made to stand in the living room while I was yelled at around berated over a piece of furniture that the glue from my scrap book had stuck to it and damaged it. My mother stood there and let my father do that. That's like when my kitten ripped my wallpaper because I wasn't supervising and left her alone. She was being a kitten, was I upset, sure I was but it was my fault. A kitten is a kitten and and child is a child! Nobody was ever watching out for me and any mistake was harshly punished. Yet their many mistakes just swept away! They allowed me to get beaten up 3 times by their friends kid, which is far more agregious. I couldn't walk for weeks after one time, yet that was just kid stuff apparently!
I am so sorry for what you went through. You never deserved any of that. ❤
@madeleinegrayson8372 Thank you for your kindness. Likewise for your own experiences, all the very best to you.
Here's some irony: I looked up the definition of toxic or dysfunctional family and saw a great deal of characteristics. No big deal there. However, if you tell a parent that their family is toxic or dysfunctional and aligns with those attributes, they become defensive. Of course, I know why: It says that you are imperfect and flawed, which is contrary to their view of themselves.
Thank you Doctor
He’s not a doctor.
@BB-fo5mr therapist is always a doctor
No, that is not accurate. A life coach is not someone who has a doctorate. Nor an MD. Or DO.
Your own narcissism is showing with that comment you made… you just couldn’t admit your mistake so you went further down the rabbit hole. Shows how unproductive these videos and channels really are…
@BB-fo5mr what your problem???? So negative comment??? Are you narcissistic?
@@BB-fo5mr
He has a Master's Degree.
, as a self-aware diagnosed narcissist- there was no love in the household I grew up in. It was a war zone, maybe that explains it.
You look really nice in that purple shirt. Thanks for another great video.
This is so triggering 💔💔💔
Thank you for this great reminder and understanding!!!
Hoping this helps me embrace how far I have come in healing. Seems I forget that important fact often enough.
Really good video. Really helpful insights - thank you
This is how I went from my father's abuse into marrying a Covert Narcissist. It was normalized.
This is an amazing video.
Man, I could write a book on this one 🤦😆
My sisters fought me everyday since I was a kid
Every cult out there does all of these things too.
I was raised up by German officers. Everything and literally everything between parents and kids was like a psychological warfare, they intimidated, crossed every border, lied, jokes about the kids feelings they pretend to have, stonewalling, provocation, guilt tripping, projection......it's hell. And this is not exaggerated.
Hey Jerry. It is not easy to "observe" the familial malignant normalcy. We often get triggered into our old ways just being in their presence. So I tend to cut them off completely. But thank you for your videos.
TY