WOLFENSTEIN (Zero Punctuation)
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- Опубликовано: 18 окт 2024
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This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Wolfenstein.
Fast-talking Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw reviews a new game each week in this animated series that combines informed critique with cutting humor. Watch the next episode of Zero Punctuation a week early, only on The Escapist.
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Many critics like to complain
But their styles are fairly mundane
Not even cheap wine
Just half-assed moonshine
While Yahtzee's are more like champagne
+DataProwler yeah boy
+bloodstone ore their imps
+bloodstone ore Listen close old Bloodstone and you will see
How things were, now are and still will be
I'd like to intone
That atop Yahtzee's dome
Is not a fedora, but a trilby
I know it sucks, but I just wanted to throw this together. Do you know how hard it is to find things that rhyme with trilby?
Ruby Kelly noice!
noice
Man, remember when an FPS with wizard nazis, crazy monsters, a wide range of weird weapons that shoot lightning and lasers and shit was considered common and unremarkable? If only we knew in 2009 how fucking far the genre would fall.
Scrapjack IKR
Have a nostalgia trip for free
In case anyone didn't notice, the credits are a limerick as well:
His unique reviewing technique
Is to speak with unbridled critique
But if there's one thing he hates
It's postponed release dates
So Arkham Asylum is next week.
That was the greatest thing I've ever seen.
I want to like your comment, but the number is so perfect.
When I first read your comment, I was thinking- this guy hasn't seen alot of great things. Then I watched the video.....
My friend linked it to me and i was like well it'll probably be mildly funny with a punch line at the end like the rest of his vidoes. then i watched the video.
I have yet to come across a Yahtzee critique which doesn't give me a comic erection. The boner I got from watching this one got me close enough to almost seek medical help, as advised on Viagra packs.
I was like "Did I just watch a limerick about all the cliches in FPS games?"
One thing I love about Yahtzee is his ability to take a fairly mundane review such as Wolfenstein or the new Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and turn it into something else.
I myself don't really know
How my life has sunk quite this low
On a video site
At half gone midnight
Watching stuff from eights years ago.
I could always recall the review
Even long after t'was new
I found it endearing
Each rhyme I was hearing
And my mind seems to think so too.
So while my eyes unto me are now scorning
I sit here near one in the morning
I want this to run
Long after 'tis done
So I find myself here still encoring.
My memories have yet to fade
Despite the time passed since 'twas made
Unlike other reviews
That I have since viewed
The impact of this one has stayed.
As I lie here in my old bed
And though this comment may never be read
Though it's been eight years
I've been driven to tears.
For the video won't leave my head.
Beautiful! And my sentiments as well
I wish I could like this more than once.
Just wow
I find many comments inane
And most of them feel quite the same
It's just crappy jokes
From dim-witted folks
But yours left me quite entertained
There was some comments I read today,
Who replied in a predictable way,
But can't quite complain,
Without catching some blame,
Because I did the same thing so okay.
*were some comments
Clever as fuck
I genuinely laughed about your comment
@@YatzeeWillWearAGreenHat :-)
Quite often it fills me with glee
When with Yahtzee's views I agree
Makes me doubt my perception
When I hit an exception
Like horror and JRPG's :/
Massive bonus points for actually getting the meter right.
INVICTUS it's bloody annoying seeing everyone miss a syllable each line! The comments section is a nightmare. Thank god someone seems to know what a limerick is!
There once was a man from Peru
Who expressed himself all in Haikus
He wrote up a rhyme
That was ever so sublime
This ain't a limerick
Well now I don't know what to believe...
Last line has 6 syllables
Also it doesn't rhyme and it's not a limerick.
HwoDragon There once was a man from Nantucket . Who said take this bucket and fuck it . That is all.
HwoDragon That's fine.
I can't stop rewatching all videos. Help me. I have no self-control.
There's no use fighting it, we're all in it.. Give yourself..
Join us...
Nyu~
El Mooo just wanted you to know that I came here because he referenced the limericks in a later video
Nitjer do any of us also this is the a bad vide
It only gets worse when you find the completion videos
When I look in the comments I snicker
'cause all people do is just bicker
They scream and they shout
and then they storm out
without realizing it makes them look thicker
I guess you could say they were...
triggered
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
mmmmm.... thicker
What's bad about being thicc
Thicc people get lots of dicc
Look at my eyes
and say you don't want these thighs
come on, what are you, a hick?
(edited to fix flow issues)
The thing that I most often dread
Is the way that these games seem to head.
It's a linear crawl
Broken by chest-high walls
So I think I'll play Skyrim instead.
Nah, skyrim just has walls many times larger than you
Their called mountains
Oh this was posted 11 months ago?
This isn't a limerick fuck you too
+Uhryeehs Skyrim ain't linear.
I didn't say it was I'm just saying as far invisible walls go
+Alex Snitzer Skyrim is the same as the others
Just masked in some different covers
At the end of the day
Your quest will still say
"Go in this dungeon and kill some more Draugr"
I keep coming back to this review because it amuses me to no end when people put an extra theme on a review to make it interesting and limerick was the perfect choice here!
A fan had animated this,
which I thought would turn out like piss.
But then I found out
its without a doubt
one of the greater fan-works to exist.
Who animated this?
@@aztn19 KDanielsS
this is pretty fucking genius.
HOLY SHIT HE ACTUALLY RATED A GAME!!!
+Flameanzer Hooray! Now Meta critic can finally start a Zero Punctuation page.
In the tumultuous time before D-Day, There once was a man named BJ. With chocolate box hair, And a face like a bear, And a jacket he picked up on eBay.
He was out one day murdering Germans, As they tried to enact London’s Burning. He beat up some dudes, And broke missile tubes, So their boat got blown up, that’ll learn ‘em!
But while there he made the discovery, That the Nazis had powers like no other-y. He bought back a bangle, With some mystical angle, To which the Allies responded, “Oh, buggery!”
At the secret service of Queen LizzieBJ’s, bosses find themselves in a tizzy. So they stand up and shout, “BJ, sort this all out! “We’d do it ourselves, but we’re busy.”
So he’s sent to a big German town, Where some serious shit’s going down. There’s an active resistance, In need of assistance, And everything’s gone greyish-brown.
It soon becomes clear that the city, Has been invaded by occult committees: Mystical preachers, And slavering creatures, And gymnasts with stonking great titties.
You may wonder if this is a sequel, To some past Wolfenstein, or a prequel. Depicting our hero, In a previous Era, When he wasn’t looked upon as an equal.
It’s actually meant to succeed, Return to Castle Wolfenstein’s lead. Which is pretty damn slow, ‘Cause that was eight years ago, And the memories have gone stale indeed.
The new Wolfenstein seeks to enthrall, With an ongoing high-octane brawl. But it’s a game about war, That we’ve all seen before, And just like the title adds fuck all.
Any pretense of freshness is gone, At the very outset of Stage One. You escape your pursuers, Via underground sewers, So we start as we mean to go on.
Your gun is of course your best friend, On which you must always depend. When you get into fights, You can look down the sights, And bullets come out of the end.
Weapon choice doesn’t start too exciting: Two machine guns, a rifle for sniping. But later on, BFGsComing with guarantees, To shoot various flavours of lightning.
There are soldiers all over the place, Who can’t take two shots to the face. But before you pour scorn,They always respawn, At a pretty disquieting pace.
You don’t need to worry about health; If you’re retarded and lousy at stealth. Just get behind cover, If you’re in a bother, And it will all come back by itself.
It won’t help you avoid the bumrape, Later on when you get into scrapes. With powerful blasters, And big armoured bastard, With weak points the size of a grape.
To help out, you have on your side, Magic spells that some crystals provide. On the appropriate cue The world turns greenish-blue, So it looks like your monitor’s died.
You can take down the big lads in minutes, Start a fight with ten men and still win it. Make your weapons divine, Or just use bullet time, (Which wasn’t that great when Max Payne did it).
But the powers are hard to sustain; Your magic is too swiftly drained. In the middle of a fight, You’ll end up in the shite, And will suffer a whole world of pain.
And in between all of the shooting, You also must think about looting. Because if you want to upgrade, Someone has to be paid, And the shopkeepers don’t like freebooting.
Why do all games need upgrading elements? Even in ones where it isn’t quite relevant? It means all your big-hitters, Start off in the shitter, And your aim is unfirm and inelegant.
So when you’ve extinguished the danger, You backtrack through all the chambers. Searching every last nook, For cash and checkbooks, (Which you won’t find much fun, I would wager).
It transpires that the in-game reality, Has pretensions to non-linearity. The game says, “On your bike! Go wherever you like, As long as it’s in this principality."
But the freedom’s a mere gilded cage, That adds nothing to inspire or engage. It just means beating feet, Through the same boring streets, Just to get to the next fucking stage.
There’s very little to do except hunt, For secrets and money upfront. But the reward’s pretty lame, All the streets look the same, And the bads keep respawning, the cunts.
It's not a totally asinine chore, There are optional missions to score. But I went out of my way And found to my dismay, That in total there’s only like four!
I guess the ultimate question is “Why, Should I even bother to try? ”Every last NPC, Fills me with apathy. Am I expected to care when they die?
I know what you’re gonna say, “Yahtzee, “You slick Internet paparazzi. “Surely it’s always fun, “To stick the butt of a gun, “Up the arse of a goosestepping Nazi!”
Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars, Or your head has been lodged up your arse, Wolfenstein may give, At least some joie de vivre, Otherwise don’t bother. Two stars.
*standing ovation*
+Revolt Wolf i believe the stuff at the end says
His unique reviewing technique
is to speak with unbridled critique
but if there's one thing he hates
it's postponed release dates
so arkham asylum is next week
+Al Capown Where that profile pic from?
Now THAT'S helpful devotion.
Didn't know I needed this... but I did. Bravo
By far the best 0 punctuation episode ever
Dawson MacDougall these needs to be a round of applause for this episode alone XD
Roses are red,
My name is Dave,
I suck at rhyming,
Microwave
Your four,no more,my rymes are poor,refrigerator
+IONASPHERETHREE brilliant
I do like hikus-
but sometimes they don't make sense-
refrigerator
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate rhyming,
Zebra.
but that kinda rhymed
He gave it a rating... wat
I'm scared.
It's ok, it rhymed with arse!
After watching this review, I had to force my brain not to shove every other review in the playlist into the limerick beat.
Roses are red
And so is my door
I'm not great at rhyming
REFRIGERATOR!
If only through rhyming I could
Kick your eloquent ass with my boot
Cause there was a time
When it was a crime
If 'your' and 'you're' wrongfully stood*
_*Also, 'death'. Not 'dead'. You don't need to thank me._
BonDieu617
This comeback was nothing but spunk.
I'd say that you're just a dumb punk.
Your comments are bad,
And make me feel sad,
Since they seem to be absolute junk.
Classic. Still my favorite Zero Punctuation episode.
At heart, this is still a review
Even though the premise is new
Hate is a popular theory
Which made me kind of leery
But this was good, so I'll do a rhyme too
*Clap. Clap*
Some penicillin will clear that right up.
*APPLAUSE*
So I'm watching this video online
About this game out called Wolfenstein
But take a guess who
Flat out disapproves
But I played it and thought it was fine
He actually said that he likes it better now in his column. Same with bulletstorm. I guess playing so much spunkgargleweewee made him a little more forgiving of those games
*****
well, even disregarding the political stuff, those games suck. and wolfenstein is way better than something like fucking medal of honor warfighter...
*****
Yeah but come on man, wouldn't it be fun to be a Nazi or a Russian for once, handing the US and UK it's collective arse, rather than simply killing the same enemies over and over again? I mean, is there anybody left in Russia now? They're gonna have to send the fucking Siberian eskimos and their highly trained war elk if any more COD games are released...
*****
Haha, of course there is in real life, I meant on video games, where about 50million Russians die every day on xbox live on COD.
Grimmon Luetterforst
America rapes and kills people every day. Have you heard of Iraq? Or Afghanistan? Open your eyes man, America has invaded countless countries for not believing in Capitalism (Vietnam for instance), or for resources that allow the continuation of Capitalism and US hegimony over the entire globe (Iraq for Oil, Afghanistan to build natural gas pipelines), etc.
And yes, playing a Nazi being sent to quell a mass rebellion sounds awesome; no need to show the actual raping and piliging and mass genocide, just another FPS. Exactly like COD in other words.
I do agree with you btw that it's not the American people that are bad, though a large percentage are ignorant to the way their country actually operates. It is the government and it's foreign relations/millitary industry and centralised investment banking system that are the evil ones. All the people I have personally ever met from the US (including my current boss) are very thoughtful, friendly and intelligent people. Shame the US gov doesn't listen to them.
Oh, and you don't hear about any of the war crimes as they happen because the media spins every bit of information it ever recieves to suit it's own agenda; usually making the west look good and vilifying muslims and countries like Iran, in order to get public approval for future invasion plans. They own up to a few token mistakes or dishonest deeds to make them appear more human, but the strings still get pulled by the same guys in the end
If roses are red,
and violets are blue,
then what the fuck is the colour violet?
+Alex Henderson
Roses are red,
I know this too,
but violets are violet
AND NOT FUCKING BLUE
A blue? Dare we say, a green? Or even a pumpernickel tulip? Possibly a yellow! No, that's just too out there!
roses are red
that part is true
but violets are violet
you idiot, you!
I'm impressed with the 4 minutes of coherent limerick, that had to have taken much more than the average time to make one of the scripts for these, as well as getting the cadence down making the video without multiple tries. Congrats Yahtzee you're a wizard.
So clever!! :)
I already played this game. It's called "Every FPS ever made"
Roses can be red, white, pink, yellow, and more
Violets aren't blue, they're violet
I have OCD and my poetry skills are shit
Bollocks
+Andrew Taylor-Bloch I hate to be "that guy" but the original meaning of "violet" is blue.
I'd write another comment in Limerick
But I'd then look as dumb as a brick
It stopped being cool
I'd just look like a fool
And I'd always be everyone's last pick.
I've been awake for over 22 hours and can't even tell if this is good.
its ok
One too many syllables in the last line but still decent.
HEHEHEH I AM BOLD AND BRASH it's alright
This is the best review of a game i have ever seen XD
my god... youtube comment doesnt get instant hate...
*Huff, puff, pant* Terribly sorry, I got here as fast as I could.
Umm..."ur post r gay lol."
Magnus Bergman took you long enough
Even the credits have limericks!
about %30 of the comments are in limerick.
how clever you are, %30-ers.
YOWHAZGOOD 30%*
Three straight minutes of limericks. Never let it be said (by fuckwits, presumably) that Yahtzee isn't a master wordsmith; this is the level he was at almost fifteen years ago and he's only gotten better since.
And THIS is why you are my favourite critic. Extremely creative you are
I think this can technically be considered an epic poem
The riff at the end was made so much more awesome than usual just because the previous limerick has already blown my mind.
this is really impressive, but being the historical nerd that I am. I feel that I should point out that Queen Elizabeth didn't become queen until after World War 2.
NEEEEERRRRRDD!
+Last555555555 And BJ's American boss is wearing a modern flag, but in WWII it had two fewer stars.
spencereades I was focused more on what he was saying than the images, but yeah that is true.
And now, years later, watching this review for the third time, just now the same thing occurred to me and I had to go find the top comment already saying this to bump.
there once was a man from hong kong
who thought limericks were too long
Rhyan Bennett that was a lim i once read it in a book of funny poems when i was a kid
A fantastic limerick marathon that showcases Yahtzee's huge and seemingly effortless talent for writing.
The limerick made that game SLIGHTLY more interesting, at least.
This feels like discovering a relic from the past
There's an animation version of this video
Rewatching this just makes me appreciate it even more than i did ate the tender age of 14... this review is absolutely genius!
This is the first time I've ever seen Yahtzee actually slap a rating on a game. Brilliant as always.
Though there are times we don't agree
I appreciate the opinion he gives for free
Your a gem within itself
Keep in good health
Now to continue my ZP spree
An author, a critic, AND a poet. Yahtzee's awesome.
SEVEN YEARS! Is the time it took me to finally appreciate this review as a true classic!
This... This is the best video, ever!
Yahtzee can you do more videos in limerick?
Blimey. That was a very well thought up limerick Yahtzee. You were good at English in school I'll wager.
That was impresive i cant even rime that long at that pace
So WAIT! Is this the only review Yahzee gave a score?
Well, so far, I have yet to find more.
He doesn’t believe in numbers
As they tend to overencumber
Not to mention, they’re a total bore.
(I’m not a poet).
One thing I reckon Wolfenstein did pretty well, navigating. Bear with me on this, once I'd selected a mission seemingly right on the other side of town with a massive clusterfuck of winding streets and deadends all chockers full of dastardly gabbering Kraut's. I set a waypoint for my destination fully expecting to be wandering around for quite some time, I followed the marker on my compass which led me to a fork in the road when all of a sudden the marker relocated itself somewhere off to the right. The compass wasn't simply pointing out what direction my destination was in, it was guiding me through the winding roads which led directly to my destination. I was taken aback, I'd never seen anything like it and I can't recall any recent examples of other games doing anything like it or improving on it, I know Skyrim and Fallout certainly don't do that. Such a shame a surprisingly well put together navigation tool got stuck with such a mediocre game.
Holy shit that was amazing. You should replace Dr. Suess
The strange nostalgia of going through old ZPs and seeing the "film" intro
a decade has passed since this game's release,
its sole legacy, Yahtzee's famous piece.
better than it deserved,
a review so absurd,
it's remembered though within days players ceased.
I like how he talks with rhythm.
I never get tired of this review.
Just before watching Yahtzee review Wolfenstien from 2011, I get an ad for the new Wolfenstien. Amazing.
MaskOneOneTwoThree *2014
So I came up with a pretty good summary of this video.
A
A
B
B
A
isn't it
A
A
B-B
A
?
damn dude thats crazy how you figured out that he's doing limericks after he said he would spend the whole video doing limericks. i mean really top stuff here dude. really in awe at your attention to already announced details and your ability to retcon them into your own agency.
@@AlbanianThrash Who hurt you?
@@L0ngsword who hurt your brain white girl
This comment section was an absolute pleasure to read after watching the video 😂
I can't believe this hack rhymed "Payne" with "Pain".
This one will always be one of my favorites.
Welp…sides have split. I'm going to die from asphyxiation from these videos someday.
There once was a man called Ben Croshaw
Who was convinced this game should have been much more
He ranted quite hard
Rhymed like a bard
And deservedly gave it a low score
Absolutely. F*cking. Brilliant. II couldn't stop laughing.
II'd love to be a writer one day, and II'm an aspiring singer/song writer. II legitimately look up to you. Your writing is fantastic, the humour is endless and sharp as a machete, the deliverance is perfect, and all in all II'd say you're one of my top role models.
Keep up the awesome videos.
Whenever I feel down I return to watch the brilliance that is this video.
Er...did I miss a fleeting image of a green, furry, Christmas-hating beast?
I did not expect a rhyming video.
What about the Spanish Inquisition?
@@greywalker505 Albatross!
I almost cried; that was too beautiful.
I LOVE this video. That was so funny. I'm also somewhat embarrassed to say that this entry of Wolfenstein is my favorite game and I've been gaming my whole life (I'm 31 years old). I can't exactly explain why. It's partially just sentimental because it was a gift from a girl I had some serious history with but it's mostly because I have a soft spot for average shooters. This game just hit all those generic notes that for whatever reason I can't get enough of. Plus it's a sequel to the first shooter I ever played (wolfenstein 3d). Great poem though. You listed all the reasons why I almost feel guilty that this is my favorite game! LOL
I just came here after I watched new order and I have to say your voice has become SO much better
fucking love it! i laughed through the whole thing
This is my most favorite review evar as of right now (yes, I know, that's not the correct spelling of "ever" but this video is so very awesome the misspelling of at least "ever" is necessary)!
0:59 For those seeking a great spectacle,
Here's the review that's made lyrical,
The game get's no pass,
He smacks down it's ass,
While it becomes quite comical.
(The lymeric begins here)
Wow I'm shocked at how much I absolutely loved that review.
That was flawless. XD
Truly one of the greatest minds of this era.
Now I know know why Yahtzee isn't a children's book writer
I don't really play videogames much, but you are a treasure Yahtzee and I will take every opportunity to see your work, you could make a critique of various bread varieties sound interesting.
I really do like this review,
I cannot do better, that's true,
But the least I can do,
Is a limerick too;
Because, Yahtzee, I love you
"various flavors of lightning"
seems legit
Maybe he'll review
Okami in this style
If we pester him.
I'd think it would be
A fun way to utilize
Foreign prose customs.
Or would this style
Be too hard to make note of?
Eh, forget it all.
...
...
...
I take it that you
have no clue what haikus are.
Well, I can't blame you.
Corbin West I know what a haiku is.
Please, do forgive me.
I feared those three ellipses
were mocking my smarts.
If you went to school
with classmates like mine, you'd be
a cynic, also.
Corbin West
If you had classmates like mine
You would definitely not be fine
So when you say that
You became a cynic in class
It comes across with no surprise
return to castle wolfenstein was a BEASTLY game. the minigun dogs, supersoldiers, and zappy jumping guys, combined with the cool stealth missions and co-op made it one of my favorite games of that console generation.
goddamn yatzee.. +1
THE WOLF THAT TIME FORGOT
brought me here, my knickers in a knot
remembering this review
once solid a view
perhaps again play it, I ought?
Y'know, a lot of those things you described with a negative tone in your voice are really not bad at all. Upgrading your weapons? Having a limit to your magical shite? Rejuvenating health? These are just game design for balancing purposes. There's a game without all these things which anyone can play, called Wolfenstein 3D...
This isn't coming from a "fanboy," or anything, just someone who noticed some slightly dodgy critiquing.
He didn't think it was a bad game, just completely unremarkable and mediocre, and everything it does is a pale imitation of a game that did it far better.
Tabula Rasa Gaming
Yeah, I actually hadn't seen too many of his videos when I wrote that. During the time I spent becoming absolutely addicted to them, I have realized that he usually does just maintain focus on negatives. Funny critiquing overall.
Gillrien
opinions.
DISSENTING OPINION DETECTED. DOWNVOTE PROTOCOLS INITIATING IN 5...
Oh my gosh! A critic with strong opinions? Nothing like this has ever seen the light of day, on the internet, no less.
Looking back, this was the only game Yahtz ever gave a quantifiable rating.
Roses are grey
Violets are grey
I'm a dog
Woof
+FlamingMarshmallow Dogs can see blue color. You fucked up.
+B1tPixel Violets are violet. 'tis you who did the fuck.
I'm rewatching this video five fucking times.
Because! It's required or something..
i am finally getting around to this game in 2023 because this review made me avoid this game like the plague in 2009 but today Nazi Space Wizards are surprisingly refreshing. The funny thing is if i played this game in 2009 i know for a fact i would have hated it because for its time it was shockingly derivitive and safe. For its time it was dull and boring but compared to modern games it feels fresh.
Its still the weakest wolfenstein game but I am having fun despite it being super easy.
I love that there's one last limerick in the credits.
i love this video way too much ^-^
My mind has officially been blown. That was the best damn piece of poetry I've ever heard, beautiful.
The internet's a fascinating place
Expanding at a disquieting pace
There's furries and bronies
Anon and their cronies
And it's all pushed straight in your face.
One of the best limericks, here, in terms of consistency, rhythm, and rhyme.
MintMovies Oh, thank you!
even nearing 6 years down the line from this review being released I still think this is the best review I ever heard
In the temontorous time of DDay
There once was a man named BJ
With Chocolate Box hair
And a face like a bear
And a Jacket he picked up on eBay.
He was out one day murdering Germans
As they tried to enact london's burning
He beat up some dudes
And broke missile tubes
That got blown up, That will learn them.
While there he made the discovery
That the Nazi's powers are like no othery
He brought back a bangle
With sub mystical angle
To which the allies responded Oh Buggery!
But in the secret service of Queen Lizzie
BJ's bosses find themselves in a tissy
They stand up and shout
BJ sort this all out
We'd do it ourselves but we're busy
So he's sent to a big german town
Where there's serious shi going down
There's an active resistance
In need of assistance
And everything's gone greyish brown
It soon becomes clear that the city
Has been attacked by ocult committees
With mystical creatures
And slavering creatures
And a gymnast with stonking great ti
That was..very impressive rhyming, and it worked perfectly.
Wow...
/slow clap
I...I kinda wish he would do this more often. That was amazing.