"My needs AREN'T BEING MET": why this is one of my least favorite phrases
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- Опубликовано: 29 сен 2024
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I really dislike the phrase "my needs aren't being met." Not only does this obscure the truth, but it propagates a potentially dangerous lie in its place. A relationship in which a person's needs aren't being met is abusive; however, people in abusive relationship don't say that they're needs aren't being met. They say they are in an abusive relationship. So what does this phrase really mean? I'll discuss more in this episode.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
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Website: oriontarabanps...
#needs #wants #relationship
I really dislike the phrase "my needs aren't being met." Not only does this obscure the truth, but it propagates a potentially dangerous lie in its place. A relationship in which a person's needs aren't being met is abusive; however, people in abusive relationship don't say that they're needs aren't being met. They say they are in an abusive relationship. So what does this phrase really mean? I'll discuss more in this episode.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
Hi Dr. Orion, can you do an eposide on Psychedelics and if you think there is any room for them in treating depression etc.
of course now you have to hammer this out because im sure everyone is thinking about "emotional needs" now.
I have a hard time agreeing with you on this one. Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is a real thing, and we all need to feel loved in our spousal relationships.
@@bluesight_ hmmm i think there are real problems/valid criticisms of Maslow's heirarchy though. Like Self-actualization being the pinnacle. Seems more like self-actualization is a byproduct of the process of gaining expertise in a skillset versus being some state that you arrive after all other needs are met. idk
@@bluesight_ This. 100%.
This video meets my needs
I see what you did there! Good one!
😂😂😂
😂😂😂
Another gem, thank you for this one
I'm coming to terms with understanding my short list of needs, and how they differ from wants, which are more like the cherries on top
I'm happy i listened to this video today. Thank you for empowering us! ❤
I just told my husband that my needs are not being met because in fact he is abusive but he isnt taking any other way of telling him that he is cruel to me and the kinds….. so this exact formulation is much better for telling him why I’m leaving but not getting him becoming angry and agressive
I really like your content and I've subscribed for that reason. The content speaks for itself. Your "subscribe and hit the like button" is a negative, for me at least
I can see how that could be. Yet, here's a perverse insight, at least for me. When content is so good and engrossing, my total immersion causes me to forget about such mundane things as Like buttons. Thus, Dr. Taraban's polite, and often humorous, interjection, sandwiched right between story set up and pay off, is just the kind of reminder I need. So, I do it.
@@larryrobx I see and it makes sense. Guess I became too impatient to wait a few seconds before what I clicked to view, my fault. But it's more than something that "takes less than a second and cost you nothing", doing so alter what this algorithm that we interact intensely "thinks of us", it's not nothing. I do feel like it's whining but I would be more content if he included "if you like this type of content" and maybe closer to the end, before final conclusions
I would rather get the reminder after I watch so I know whether I do like it
A woman's free get of jail card
I think this discussion is placing too much importance on the way people use the terms "wants" and "needs." We all tend to use these words loosely. Fundamentally, all we really need is food, water, oxygen, and shelter. When we say something like "I need a new car" we really mean it would be convenient to have the car, or we perhaps that we will lose a job because of lack of transportation. In the fundamental sense no on "needs" a romantic relationship. But as people use the English language, it is perfectly acceptable to say something like "I need a woman who respects me." This isn't being delusional or deceitful, it's just a common way of expressing a strong desire.
This one is on point. My wife frames EVERYTHING as a "need", giving herself the excuse that anything she doesn't get is abusive. I've tried to argue the point and ask her to reframe so we can have honest communication, but that just causes outbursts. Oh well. suck it up or bail out I guess.
Good luck.
Sorry to hear it. My ex was like that. The gaslighting became ever more frequent until there was nothing left of our marriage. My role was increasingly avoidant, which fanned the flames of her narcissistic rage.
Start reading TRP sidebar and Corey Wayne’s 3% Man. It helps at least to know exactly what you did wrong and possibly avoid making the same mistakes over.
The bottom line is she lost attraction. It may be beyond repair.
I'd never tolerate that behaviour right from the first moment I see it. I'd give them a gift the next time I see them then they'd never see me ever again after departing while they smile over the gift.
If you don't have any kids and are willing to risk the financial ramifications, I'd be considering divorce were I in your shoes. At the very least, I'd close any joint accounts and cut off any privileges beyond the necessities of life as _you_ determine it then give her the silent treatment. Furthermore, I'd suggest you start finding and spending time with female friends, and openly confessing how much more attention and kindness they're yielding within earshot of your wife. She needs to be reminded that you don't need her; that the relationship is only possible because you _TOLERATE_ her and that there's the possibility you might stop.
You'll catch hell for it, no doubt, but if you refuse to give in and just keep ignoring her and not getting into arguments (which she'll win), she's going to have to contemplate losing you. I've never been married but, such steps have worked in my relationships and they might work in yours. I don't know but, don't just "suck it up"; you're the patriarch of the household, the protector, and the provider. You're better than that, sir, and she should be made to realize it.
Hide as much of your money and property as possible. Get the phone number of THE BEST divorce lawyer you can.
Thank you. Getting needs met usually involves some collaborative problem solving. And that collaboration depends on good communication.
and when one or both aren't willing to collaborate its over, regardless of if you split or not. Been over for me for a long time, but too chicken to give up lol
Heard this phrase as an excuse for cheating so it rubbed me the wrong way instantly
TOTALLY! I have a friend whose wife got caught cheating and that was her " reason " exactly word for word. And believe me, i was over at their house enough to KNOW that was total BS. Dude worked 9 to 5, then would get home tend to their daughter and the messes she and her mom made during day, then cook dinner and watch whatever she wanted on TV. And still her " needs" weren't met somehow?! Our culture is breeding narcissistic people at an ALARMING rate!
It actually can be a valid excuse for cheating. For example, if you deny him/her sex, is he/she allowed to obtain it on his/her own? Ah, that's cheating. If you can't provide a shelter for your housewife(househusband?) who has no degree or marketable skill to put a roof over their own head, can they shack up with someone else?
@@georgedang449 Then leave. Don't cheat. There is only one one reason for cheating. You're selfish and you wanted to.
@@mikey92362 List any common reason why people stay in unhappy marriage? Could be for the wellbeing of their children, or simply to not have the court take their children away. Housewives used to stay with abusive husbands just to have a roof over their heads. These days it's the opposite, husbands often stay with abusive housewives because the court takes such a high percentage of their income for alimony and child support, that he won't be able to afford rent and will be the one on the street instead of the wife. It's complicated. There's plenty of reason for cheating, plenty of reason for staying, and plenty of reasons to stay and then cheat or cheat and then stay.
@@georgedang449dude really tried to justify cheating instead of just leaving 😂
For me, "I'm not getting what I need" means, "I'm not getting something that I require for a relationship to exist". Maybe such things are not a basic necessity for survival, but they can be a REQUIREMENT for the relationship to continue. If I were to use the words, "I'm not getting what I want", it trivializes a game changing situation. I'm not talking about little things like a sandwich. I'm talking about life-changing things like bills that amount to 110% of my income, or not having sex for a GODDAMN YEAR! I can't see calling those things "not getting what I want".
(men who have been married for more than a few years, will probably be able to relate to my examples -- LOL... SNIFF... SOB)
Exactly what happened to me. And if I were to complain, I would get answers like "my plans never work, so that's why I don't wanna plan anything for the future with you". Sex was becoming a rare event. Anyway, I'm glad it's over. I shouldn't even be thinking about it.
Thank you. Thought the same. There are needs to survive and there are needs that make a good and balanced realtionship. I may not need to be supported from my partner when I am sick. I will make it on my own. But is this healthy in a relationship?
well said.
What's your current situation?
@@jdsartre9520 The examples in the main comment here, precisely described my marriage. Fortunately through extraordinary circumstances I was barely able to get out of it without the divorce putting me in to permanent legalized slavery (which is the fate of many many x-husbands). Once I realized that walking away is pretty much the only poker chip a man has to negotiate with, in relationship to a woman (unlike women, who have 100 different ways to directly make a man miserable, and 100 more ways to use cultural norms as a weapon; and can use sex -- or lack thereof -- as a powerful tool), I have guarded my ability to walk away and have even had to use it a couple of times. But otherwise my love life has been fantastic since I stopped believing in the fairytales.
I don’t know. This seems like a stretch. When people say “needs” they often mean wants. Words are polysemous. I think you are reading too much into the word “needs” here. “I need to shed some weight” means “I want to lose some weight”. Your content is great btw, but on this one I think you are getting too semantic.
When you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist, it’s very difficult to recognize the abuse and call it as such.
I didn't want gf to think I wanted her just for sex so I didn't initiate. She left. After that I learnt something. Sx is free and legitimate in monogamous so why not go for it. If someone's genuinely a bit sore one day there is always leg/back massage.
Actually not necessarily most abuse victims defend their abusers and have a very hard time actually saying they are being abused
I’ve always found it paradoxically ironic that the the person claiming they’re not getting what they need frames the other person as being “selfish”
Great point. I've noticed people will tend to frame things in a way that make them sound more blameless/like a victim. Another example is when someone is rejected, they tell themselves the person rejecting them "didn't see their value", even though when they reject someone else, they're not exactly going around saying they rejected the person because they themselves didn't see another person's value, either.
“My needs aren’t being met.” Great line for her to hand the judge at the “family court” for simps.
Actually, what we perceive as "wants" are really "needs" for these people. They really feel that they "need" those things to live their life. That's the saddest part and it's what makes their life miserable. They literally "need" so much things out of a relationship otherwise they won't survive.
Maybe we don’t need them to survive but need them in a partner.
I could handle a relatives loss and my emotions by myself but if I have a partner I need them to be there for me.
If the partner does not add anything to my life why would I stay with them if I could handle everything just as well by myself?
I just want more reassurance is that bad:(
@@MsJassi13 On point.
And maybe you're just never satisfied...
Something I also noticed in marriage was that sometimes we use these vague words because we ourselves don’t understand yet how to process the emotions and explain. One Saturday someone knocked on our door very early and we were not expecting anyone, I was still in pjs and husband was not. So I asked him to get the door but he hesitated (was playing video games or distracted with something) so I went and answered the door. I was very upset after and couldn’t even pin point why until I examined myself. Then I remembered, oh my dad used to do this no questions asked. He would ALWAYS respond if it was early in the morning/or late at night to a knock especially when not expecting anyone. Once I was able to explain this to my husband he understood and we were able to communicate. It really is just controlling your emotions, understanding/processing them and communication! Thanks for the content!
I think the worst part of that story was that your husband was playing video games. I absolutely hate video games. They are a useless waste of time and when grown men do this I just cringe. Men who play video games are almost always unmotivated to accomplish things and rarely succeed at much.
@@fivebooks8498 lol delete your account
@@fivebooks8498 A grown man playing video games or still reading comics (no, they're not "graphic novels", lol) is straight up cringe.
@@fivebooks8498 Do you have hobbies, or other things you enjoy doing? Are those also childish?
@@jonrazo7912
I go to the gym. I play sports. I also ride Motorcross. I go out with friends. Spend time at my beach house. I never sit in front of a TV playing games for entertainment. I don’t own a gaming system.
Isn’t there always a need underneath a want? If I say ”I want $100M”, that’s obviously not want what I need. But why do I want it? I want to buy stuff, eat at fancy restaurants, travel, invest, etc. But why do I want that? I want have a sense of really making it, feel special and privileged, be dazzled and amazed. Why do I want that? I want to feel untouchable, like I can finally relax, I reached my goals. And why do I want that? Because I’m tired, I’m so very very tired. So I really need rest and to feel safe.
PsycHacks, your reasoning is the overly facile product of a semantic deficiency in the English language.
I agree that many people have unjustifiable difficulty telling a want from a need. But there is plenty of middle ground between a frivolous "want" and a life-or-death "need," and unfortunately English lacks a clear middle term. People may rightly use the word "need" to denote some of the things that fall in that middle ground, esp when it comes to mental health, which is an area where it is notoriously easy to "muddle thru" and suffer painful consequences short of imminent bodily harm. If "My needs aren't being met" means "My wife refuses to genuflect when I come home from work," then yeah, I am talking about a "want" and not a "need." But if it means "My wife is unsupportive or sexually frigid," and I am not comfortable calling her "abusive," it is obviously fair to talk about "needs."
I trust you understand this nuance and apply it in your practice. In any event, I recommend you take this video down or revise it.
If what I was is safety and security, that’s the same as what I need, and I’ve expressed it quite clearly, and the person said they would meet the want/need, but then didn’t, then however I phrase it, it’s the same.
This take is so silly. Your definition of want/need is too polarizing; not everything is abuse vs not abuse. It's a spectrum. Just look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. The need to feel safe... the need to feel loved... the need to feel connected... the need for self-growth... they're all valid.
yes but even maslow did not say that your needs are other peoples problem, you yourself have to make sure that your needs are being met or that they can be met by prospective partners with regards to relationships, which is in part the point of what he is saying…
yes
No matter what you do, her needs will never be met. And eventually she will bounce to someone else.
Dont even bother trying...😂😂😂😂
Not true.
I can meet my needs, but I have relational expectations. I will stand by my standards
Not sure when the "my needs aren't met" phrase became popular, but to me its another indication of our increasingly narcissistic culture. I wonder if this is rooted in attachment issues from childhood too. Thanks, as always Orion, for the food for thought.
On this one I agree. Except when people use this to describe a lack of sexual intimacy, which can be considered a basic need in a romantic relationship. On everything else re emotional compatibility, it's not a useful phrase.
I think the problem is that we default to expecting our partner to meet too many of the emotional needs we have learned helplessness in meeting for ourselves, then when they won’t or can’t it becomes a crisis.
I am someone with quiet BPD in remission, and this is what I had to heal. Now that I can meet my own needs, I only have wants from a partner. I’m so happy with my life on my own that I can choose partners who show an interest in meeting my relationship wants. If someone can’t or won’t, it’s ok! It’s not a crisis anymore.
You can't always get what you want. Buy if you try sometimes...well, you know.
Is that you, Mick?
@@theoriginalDAL357 Yes it is. Yes it is.
Never once has a man ever uttered these words
Yeah, it’s generally a deceptive euphemism that mostly only women use.
A man would just say what the specific problem is. Women resort to vague BS like this because stating the problem openly would often reflect badly on them.
If he doesn’t make as much money as she’d like for example (a common trigger for divorce), saying that would make her look greedy and only in it for money.
Some vague nonsense about “needs” makes him look neglectful, rather than the reality of her just being greedy.
In some cases leaving someone because of money could be warranted, but in most cases probably not, hence the misleading weasel words.
My former husband used this exact phrase. The fact that he didn’t and couldn’t meet mine wasn’t mentioned, and I had never complained. Its a pathetic phrase, adults can take care of their own needs.
They just go cheat 😂😂😂
@@liquidsnakex women hate accountability. what else is new lmao
Doc what are you smoking?
Well when you get with a narcissist, sociopaths and psychopaths both your wants and needs will not be met, so complaining about your needs and wants are being ignored or met is an appropriate statement.
To answer the “why” your needs are not being met is a good place to start to understand the person you're dealing with and what are the basic human needs that can never be compromised about.
he literally mentioned it in the video weren’t you watching??
A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship. Simply say that it is or was a toxic relationship instead of "my needs weren't met"
However not every partner who doesn't fulfill all your needs and wants is a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath. Sometimes people just don't match.
Quickly becoming my favourite youtube channel.
Very unique and helpful channel.
I've always understood this phase as another way for people not getting what they want out of a relationship. I just think people are overly dramatic and that is why the say the above. Relationships just seem some complicated and everyone around me is getting divorced. Haha!
I like how you point out that in the end it mostly comes down to our own personal responsibility. It's easier to blame someone else than to look inward and do what we need to do to meet our own needs, then we can show our partner how they can contribute but not feel pressure to fix our lives for us. That's our own job.
Yes, they are complicated, and it seems made more so by people not admitting what they want, and Dr PsycHacks was saying.
What it actually is,,,is, my WANTS aren't being met
0:43 why say many word, when few word do trick?
I have always deeply disliked this phrase for feeling it was shifting blame to the other person and practicing victimhood but that (what you said in the video) was so articulate on another level
Women say this primarily when they don't know what their needs are.
So ... I understand, and if there weren't a language difference, this semantics explanation would be spot on. But, this is a problem with womaneesse. Let's be honest, it's women that use this phrase "my needs aren't being met". And the real problem is the fact that women don't actually mean the words the way men use the words.
When talking about something like this, I usually refer to the deserted islands metaphor. Women perceive themselves as the lone and soul survivors, dropped into a dangerous world that's out to get them. As though they're the sole survivors of a plane crash or something, out in the middle of the ocean where there are chains of islands.... A woman sees herself as a survivor, as a victim of circumstance, put into the world, and she needs to survive.
As such, she looks around in her environment, and she looks around at a couple available Islands... She looks to what these islands offer her. Her first and most pressing needs are that of water, shelter, Etc. And this means that she looks expressly for Islands/environments that can provide her with shelter and water. Perhaps she looks for a cave, perhaps she looks for a river of freshwater... Etc etc. She then finds these environments and moves towards them. She's on a constant look for bigger and better environments, that provide more and more of the life she wishes to lead. She labels all of the things that she needs for this life as a "need", but the concept isn't as fleshed out as to specify a difference between "wants" and "needs". It's just a big list of all the things that an environment might provide for her, that she would benefit from. And they're all under the label of "needs" that she would require in order to "survive and thrive".
She continuously looks for a "better" and better environment, that provides her with more and more of the resources she desires, such as food, water, shelter, and the notion of more food more water etc etc. This is done because you can never survive "too much".
And if you haven't realized yet, men don't actually exist in their world as real people. Men are simply seen as environments that can provide for them. Men are analyzed in terms of cost and benefit, given a value, and then set against other environments to discover it's relative value.
Really interesting outcome or two of this mechanic is that women perceive themselves as the eternal victim regardless of circumstance. They're merely trying to survive and thrive within a harsh world that's out to get them. They are victims of circumstance, and they're merely surviving through these difficult times. Accountability isn't a necessary aspect of survival, nor fixing any problems. What is necessary is to locate an environment that doesn't have any of those problems, or locating a better environment that provides more benefits versus cost... The only thing that is required here is to summon enough courage to leave the relative safety of one environment, to go out and travel to the other environment, of which you "believe" may offer more benefits. And as a survivor, you'll never know for sure if it's a better move until you already do it. So it's rather daring to change from one environment (man) to another.
This is one of the reasons why there's the slogan of "moving forward". If you listen, a woman wanting to "move forward" with her life is just as common as her feeling her needs aren't being met. This concept of moving forward is all about leaving the past behind in the past, completely neglecting it, so that she can improve her personal feelings (her current state of being) now. Women expressly focus on the future, whereas men tend to focus on the past. Men tend to apply deductive reasoning to problems in order to solve for them and make internal adjustments. Men's survival mechanism is very different to women's. Men attempt to self alter, and alter the environment. Whereas women move from one environment to a different environment. (These two problem solving mechanisms operate very much like the differences between warm-blooded versus cold blooded animals).
But, you're a strong and independent woman, and you're worth it, so do what you need to do to "survive and thrive" within this harsh world that's out to get you. That's the narrative at least. So.... Translated from womaneesse into man speak, "my needs aren't being met" simply means something akin to, "I'm not getting all that I think I could get... from 'better' environments.".
So, whereas men attempt to avoid victimhood, and they generally attempt to review reality in order to change it, women attempt only to move towards acquiring more and more resources from their environments. Whereas men are designed to survive and thrive within harsh environments, women are designed to seek out "better" environments that offer less dangers, and more benefits. In these two different approaches, these two different ways of seeing the world, it changes the way of which we use and define words such as "needs".
Nope, my former husband used this exact phrase.
@@joygibbons5482 inductive reasoning. I'm not saying "all ____ are like that". I'm saying that *at least 68.5%* of individuals within the group are like that, and then I'm talking about the group as an object onto itself. Your example of one person being different doesn't counter my position at all. 🤷
(In science, anomalies are expected. And those outliers are usually tracked and included within the group as existing. But, exceptions do not make the rule when trying to describe the average norm of a group.)
Besides that, there are things such as socialisation, and conscious behavior that need to be accounted for when analyzing such things. As two groups, men and women, not only are they sexually dimorphic, but their language usage is as well. Definitionally, words mean different things, not only to the context of the subject of the conversation, but from the context of what individuals are using them (and to what group belong to). This actually explains many of the "miscommunications" between men and women, and explains the entire "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" phenomenon.
I think that most men stuck on those islands out in the middle of nowhere would behave the same way.
@@mariepetterson7281 ...that's just it thought... Most men *do not* behave that way at all. Nor do most men see themselves as stuck as islands unto themselves. Most men simply do not see life like this in the slightest. This is how women view the world.
Men do not see themselves as islands, as lone survivors, not as victims of happenstance. Men see things differently. Men see things in terms of...
The world is full of possibilities.
1.) If this world had _____
2.) Then this world would ______.
"What do I want this environment to be like? I can craft it to be all sorts of things. What do I want? I'll make that. Hmmmmm🤔 I'm thinking that I'll make _______. And I could use ______ so, I'll need to ______ in order to get that."
Men follow a line of deductive reasoning that provides answers to problems. Men then wonder about the world and learn how to craft it, how to mold it into the things that he might want.
Men grow by discovering solutions to hazards within the environments that they are in. Men are accountable for things, because they stay and deal with the alteration on themselves or of the environment in order to remedy those things. Men this build up and create islands, with the intent on turning them into prosperous productive lands, rich in development.
So no, most men on islands out in the middle of nowhere do not do it too. They create, and turn those islands into beautiful prosperous destinations that people place on the map and wish to visit and stay. Those islands become bustling centers of productivity that become central hubs for metropolitan expensive homelands. 🤷
...if they can survive long enough to create them at least. (Whereas women are great at subsitive survival, men are great at ordered structural thriving. IE. Women survive, men thrive, and this is why we work well together, when we are in harmony.)
@@mariepetterson7281 whereas women look to find caves for shelter and rivers for water, and they pick and choose the most advantageous areas to live in... Men generally stay in the environment that they start in, whether no matter the value, no matter the hazards or benefits. They then learn how to, and then create... houses and irrigation channels to use for shelter and fresh water. Men manipulate and alter environments, whereas women shop for and move to environments.
Men and women are not the same. 🤷
This makes a lot of sense, and is the source of the word salad people use when trying to describe the issues in past and current relationships.
We don't want to be seen as a bad person in so many aspects of life, and have been trained to always have well rehearsed reason we are not the sole source of the desired change or split.
I've experienced this problem for a long time with my current girlfriend in many aspects of the relationship. Ex. I can't just come out and say I'm not attracted to you because you have gained weight and refused to lose it.Because that makes me a bad person. But does it?? I entered into the relationship because I found her physically attractive and nice. Now she is overweight, and overwhelms me with her problems and life complaints on a daily basis. So why shouldn't me no longer finding her physically attractive and being exasperated by he constantly complaining be justification to leave? I keep telling myself no mainly because I would be seen as a bad person for doing so. Because I'm not getting what I want.. but who else can make sure you get what you want other than you?
You had a very superficial reason for establishing the relationhip, why wouldn't you have a similar reason for staying and/or leaving. You might even be so selfish that you want her to leave you, so that she must take the blame for you two breaking up.
You are in every minute a free person, you are free to leave any day you want, for any reason you feel is good enough for you. A love relationship (gf-bf) is totally voluntary.
But of course you should try to grow up and learn something about personhood, character, and most of all honesty, not to be bad person and to be valuable to your fellow human beings. To become a decent adut man. You have a long way to go to reach a happy relationship, for the long run. I hope you are still in your teens. Good luck!
@@DNA350ppm I didnt know we had to stay with fat, complaining girlfriends 'till death do us part.'
@@canelareina3795 Do leave a relationship or marriage *whenever* you wish, you are free to do so. It is also the only decent and honest thing to do. Give her her freedom back, too, if you don't love and cherish her !
@@DNA350ppm What a change of heart! Previously you shamed a man for *not feeling attracted* to a fat, complaining girlfriend.
@@canelareina3795 I haven't change my mind at all - I wrote about anyone's responsibility to be honest and upfront. I cite myself in my previous comment: "You are in every minute a free person, you are free to leave any day you want, for any reason you feel is good enough for you. A love relationship (gf-bf) is totally voluntary." Stop complaining about grilfriends and spouses, be decent, tell your truth. You are free. Leave if you have no love to give!
As a man... I enter a relationship for good sex... Most women aren't very good at it... As a friend said you've got to find a lot of miss wrongs to find miss right...
In a relationship there could be an expectation of some sort of intimacy, which when lacking might turn the relationship into a friendship. This is what has happened in the past and it was not fun.
I would say: you don't know for sure what you get when you enter a relationship. It's always taking a leap of faith and then you find out more about the person. So there are things that I want and get because the other person plays along until the real other reveals themselves.
is reciprocity a want or a need?
These are all great points. You're making a fine distinction between "want" and "need". Sadly, this just isn't the way most people use language. No one is going to say "want" for fear of appearing callous.
Another thought that just occurred to me. Don't we "need" a partner who does care and is able to deliver on our wants? at least some of the time? This isn't a cut and dry issue, but your video is very thought provoking and I'm glad you posted it.
Yes, I think the need you are outlining is something I call a conditional need. I need cocoa to make a chocolate cake but I don't need cocoa to survive or be safe. I can make other cakes without cocoa but not chocolate cake. Relationships need communication and connection or in other words the relationship I want needs communication and connection.
No, you don't need a partner period. Single people survive. Many such people are happier single.
We are a social species, so we all crave social connections- but those social 'needs' can be met by friends, family, etc.
A partner is convenient but far from necessary and therefore not a need.
What you classify as "needs"?
I agree, but I think people know that “needs” really mean “wants” in most circumstances. So when someone says their “needs” are not being met, we usually understand that it means that their emotional, sexual, or other strong “want” is not being met. But yes, we ought to be semantically accurate.
i see it as this topic addresses what society misuses. words. a helpful distinction that needs to cut down the mindless sharing of terms by millions of people. other examples include: "um", "i mean", "like", effect vs affect, etc
Totally agree. Needs are: oxygen, water, nourishment, and a secure place to live where you will not be rained on, frozen, or attacked by a bear. People who are living a fairly comfortable life yet go around making this complaint come across to many as whiners advertising the fact that they have chosen helplessness instead of taking responsibility for the outcome of their own lives. A former friend, whom I had to distance myself from because she was so crazy, used to ask me - when I was dating a man who called me every single day just to stay connected and see how I was - "How do you FIND such nice guys?" She would wind up in one horrifically abusive relationship after another. And when they tried to break up with her she would literally stalk them trying to keep the relationship going - she simply could not get enough of being miserable. Incredibly talented, educated, professional and attractive woman with an IQ of 145. I told her, this is how I wind up with nice guys - if a man ever treated me the way yours treat you, I would never go out with him a second time. Take responsibility.
Let me guess - she did not take your advice?
@@MrMatthewhg I'm not sure how long it took, because of having to back out of that friendship, but she must have eventually figured something out because she is now married with 2 kids, although I know nothing about the dynamics of that relationship. But at the time I distanced myself she was still crazy as hell, but at least getting occasional therapy.
@@buckethyacinth9598 Sounds like she settled with a nice guy she didn't like.
Funny thing, I also had IQ of 145 (it's down to 141 now that I'm older), which is 1 out of every 750 people. You don't need anywhere close to that to make good decisions. She was thinking with her crotch instead of her head. Some people have brains yet still act on instinct like animals.
@@georgedang449 In her case, I don't think it was thinking with her crotch as much as it was this overwhelming compulsion to recreate trauma bonding from her childhood in the misguided belief that this time she could make it turn out right. That was always her irrational reason for continuing to try no matter how many times or how spectacularly this failed. She kept thinking this time would be different, she could make it work. The pattern she could never see was, the worse they treat her the more determined and bonded she would become.
@@buckethyacinth9598 That could very well be the same thing. The bad boys offer excitement and the prospect of "taming" them offers challenge. Women hooked on fleeting highs mistake peace with boredom when they meet good men.
When someone says they’re not getting what they need, I never think they’re in an abusive relationship. I assume they mean they’re not getting what the need to be happy in the relationship. I think you’re taking an overly literal interpretation of the word need.
The most basic need is to be secure and to belong. This is what we should get from making and keeping a commitment that is socially and legally respected, i.e. marriage. To break a marriage commitment because you don’t think you are getting what you wanted is to fail to meet the need for security and belonging you promised to give her.
A marriage commitment is a commitment to be there for your spouse whether you are getting what you want or what you need or not. For better for worse.
If your needs or wants aren’t being met by your spouse there are other solutions than separation, divorce or getting with someone else. Maybe no easy answers but problems can mostly be tolerated or fixed. Being there for your spouse can me being there for them to come back to you, if ever.
There is some rationale and reason for making strong commitments to each other in marriage. It provides an environment of security and belonging that best allows both wants and needs to be met. And it provides social stability and a good environment for having and raising children. This is the want and the need of the human race, to live in peace and to reproduce in an orderly and civilised way.
@@hillaryfamily I have to ask, what is the answer when your spouse flat out says too bad so sad to what you want/need from them?
@@YieldOfDreamz maybe it isn’t best to look for the answer, singular. There are many answers and none offer guaranteed positive results. Post-marital negotiations and building or changing attitudes and behaviours are complex. Chances are your leverage and negotiating power are not good, and more subtle and gentle cajoling are in order. Don’t lose hope, be the best spouse you can be and figure out what your spouse cares about and makes them tick. Good luck
@@hillaryfamily Leverage.....interesting word. I know what makes her tick and do it - pure uselessness.
Nah, that's not what I want in a marriage. She should give a shit or not marry you. This is why I tell young men to stay away from it at all costs. There are plenty of sluts and hookers walking around if you want sex. Otherwise, unless you are a top 10-15% man (which they will trip over to please and allow abuse from), they just settle for you and treat you like shit. Better off staying single, build wealth and enjoy the rest of life.
@@YieldOfDreamz probabilistic success in monogamy as a society requires the construction of civilisation and culture to attain it. Our society has unintentionally but systematically dismantled the necessary institutions and norms. Your chances are approximately 50:50. After your wife has lost interest, the chances of restoration are worse than 50:50.
To restore and rebuild monogamous and lifelong marriage requires pre-marital as well as marital institutions. Buy in at the outset is something that has been severely degraded and you are right that it is an ingredient to success and longevity.
Isn’t there always a need underneath a want? If I say ”I want $100M”, that’s obviously not want what I need. But why do I want it? I want to buy stuff, eat at fancy restaurants, travel, invest, etc. But why do I want that? I want have a sense of really making it, feel special and privileged, be dazzled and amazed. Why do I want that? I want to feel untouchable, like I can finally relax, I reached my goals. And why do I want that? Because I’m tired, I’m so very very tired. So I really need rest and to feel safe.
It might just be a lack of education on what is abuse or being polite. As a victim of abuse I can tell you it can be terrifying to seek help and be 1 00% honest about what is going on especially if the abuser gets knowledge of what you said.
If she leaves telling me that she cannot meet my needs. What doesnt mean? (She could, but she probably didnt want to)🤷🏼♂️
You need to define what wants and needs are bro
A want is something you can live without and stay in the relationship even if you don't get it.
A need is something that, if not met, you'd rather be single.
Relational needs have to be met otherwise a relationship cannot happen. And relational wants are just bonuses.
There have been documented to be a list of actual relational needs:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Intimate conversation
3. Affection
4. Recreational companionship
5. Physical appearance/attraction
6. Commitment/loyalty
For example:
I NEED my wife to sexually fulfill me, have open honest communication, give me recreational companionship, and to be committed to me, and sense that she is attracted to me. I need those things. If I'm not feeling her meet any of those to my liking, then she's not meeting the need and she needs to understand how to meet it.
Wants are different..
I WANT my wife to dress up for me more often, but she doesn't have to. I WANT my wife to like all the same movies I like, but she doesn't have to. I WANT my wife to be as sexual as me, but she never will be. I WANT my wife to share more of my opinions and perspectives, but she doesn't. Things like that..
When I say my needs aren't being met, I am literally saying "my wife isnt even marginally giving me the baseline effort in this relationship despite all the effort I'm giving her".
This is misleading too...people do have their reasons for saying their needs aren't being met.
In my case, yes, it's abuse. I choose not to tell my abuser I'm leaving because abuse. That would make them more angry and more abusive. I am aware though. I used to say my needs aren't being met, and it took me a couple years of figuring out it was more than that.
There's a lot of people who are abused, even more so than I am, who don't realize what they are enduring is abusive. So yes, they may use this term because they're unaware.
No matter how you label things, this person isn't making you feel good. Trust how they make you feel, how your mind and body reacts, and how they show up for you.
Beautiful video! However, most people don't have your intellect and don't want to be honest with themselves.
On the contrary they are intelligent and once they have sucked one man dry, they want to move to another target, and use this phrase very effectively in a political way to justify their selfish decisions 😂😂😂
This is probably Dr. Taraban's worst video.
He usually has amazing stuff, this one - not so much. Just about everything is wrong here, except the message "have some decorum and don't go around trumpeting to everyone that your needs are not being met." I'd add: even if it's true.
Meh.
I think Orion has accidentally exposed a weakness in his training, falling for the red herring wants vs needs pseudo-dichotomy. Read up on Carl Rogers, read the well-articulated in situ reports by Marshall Rosenberg, and then address how to improve *communications* around fulfilling needs.
I haven't been kissed or touched in 8 years and in a sexless marriage for the last 15 (once every year - year and a half). According to a lot of Women, physical affection is not a need, it is a want. I call forcing celibacy within marriage abuse.
Hahaha...unfortunately I don't care about people's needs. They are adults and should be able to provide for themselves.
What about 5-6 month stretches of not being touched and having to beg for certain acts
.....would kind of make you feel not wanted right?
Horrendous argumentation because abusive relationships come in many forms and most people’s upbringing does not necessarily equip them with tools to spot all kinds of abusive relationships. Especially those that comprise of emotional abuse.
You dont like That statement cos It doesn't meet your needs either. X-D
Is the love a want or a need in the relationship? Is the love necessary? Is it a requirement? One may give anything the other wants, but the way in which he gives reflects his understanding of the necessity that is required to cultivate the relationship.
So when she said "My needs aren't being met", it didn't mean she didn't get what she wanted. She did. But she didn't feel it came from a place of love?
This doesn’t cover neglect. You can not have your needs met because a person can’t provide the support you need. A partner may not know how to provide the emotional support one needs not because they are abusive but they just haven’t been taught how to love properly. That doesn’t make them abusive it makes them ignorant or not mentored.
Maybe a bit pedantic to be so picky about the word "needs" vs "wants," but you make a lot of interesting points in the discussion anyway!
I understand how saying you're not getting what you want is a more useful phrase. But then everyone will say life is not about getting what you want and they will give themselves excuse after excuse to not do their part in the relationship
He Dr. Orien- this morning I was listening to this on the bed next to my girlfriend. She got angry upon listening to it and got up and left. Was angry for much of the rest of the day. Red flag?😂
So, is it over?
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 no. I ignored it. If she decides to break up, I will move in to the next. They are all exactly the same anyway. . .
You're playing an intellectual game with hyperbole. What difference does it make whether it's what you want or what you need? If a woman is not giving you the love attention and sex that you crave she's not giving you what you want or need time to end the relationship who cares what you call it
Thruth... eh...
Modern bussy World
... is so interesting in Truth. ...
... lol lol ?
I could not agree with you more; however, people who are in a marriage relationship often tend to use the excuse of terminating yhe marriage due to a lack of effort to understand how to get what they are lacking in the relationship. Marriagades used to be " for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." Today marriages seem to be like one of Empiror Ming's marriages in "FLASH GORDAN. " I Ming promise to not ever fling you out into space, until such time as I grow weary of you".
30 seconds in, I think I get it and I love it!
"My partner is not living up to my expectations," would be more honest and on point.
It might help to be open with your partner prior to the commitment about what your expectations really are.
As to needs and wants, a number of years ago I made a list of my needs and wants. Turns out, I have a total of 5 needs.
1. Food
2. Clothing.
3. Shelter.
4. Access to medical care.
5. A purpose to my life.
I can provide those for myself. Pretty much the same for the wants.
As to the wants I can't provide for myself, they are ultimately optional, and broadly negotiable.
This post is like masturbation. Sure, you can do those things yourself but isn't it better when someone else does it?
Also you have more than 5 individual needs, consult Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
@@lyndonbauer1703 Maslow's needs and mine likely differ.
I know what mine are. I've had 62 years to sort them out.
And no, it's not better when I sit on my a** and let someone else serve my needs when I can easilly do it myself.
I am neither that lazy nor that entitled.
@Glen Bateman Considering it's one of the most prevailing psychological models for human motivations, I'm unlikely to believe that.
Hope my comment didn't go over your head mate. Also, read up on maslows work and subsequent revisions, you'd be surprised.
Anyone who uses the phrase‘hyperbolic distortion’ gets my vote 😂
This also reinforces the point of not getting into a relationship for dependence purposes, as in a rescue plan.
I’ve had this phrase going thru my head recently I’m in a relationship but it’s bs cos I have to work on myself and satisfy myself make sure I’m taking care of myself.
youtube consistently recommending me the worst therapists
I'm in a long and happy relationship now, and at several times I've had to say to myself, okay he's not doing what I want, saying what I want, acting how I want him to act...but instead of complaining, I've said to myself: How can I change this? What can I do so that he will say or act in the way that I want? Through trial and error I've been able to "fix" things enough that I stayed around. So I think once you're saying to yourself this isn't what I want, the next question is "What can I do about it?"
Hii more tips pleasee
Thank you, this has helped me forgive myself.
This phrass is #$v_
I love this! Get so tired of therapist asking me and my wife if our needs are being met. Needs to me= food, water, shelter. I don’t need respect, love, sex, money, kindness or an amazing partner. If we all realized this then why would need therapy (which nobody needs either). Stoicism, and eastern philosophy get this right. Today.. we confuse needs, wants and desires. I do it daily and need to stop! Great content.. keep it coming!
Very well broken down information once again , great video 💯
Having to meet the needs of your partner seems very codependent as well
True words. I'm inspired to be a better man and be attractive so I deserve the best to stay
Accountability is one of my favourite words.
You're bursting all of my bubbles.
Avoidant attachment be like
Very relatable we want partners but don't need them
This is what women keep saying....they want men
Sets up a series of invisible moving hoops.
Thanks
Thanks, Jude!
I mean my needs weren't being met in my last relationship, I had to keep begging her to talk and communicate with me when she wasn't talking for a few weeks during our 6 month relationship. And she broke it off because of a comment I made on Facebook.
You dodged a bullet. She wasn't worth it. Take these lessons and work on yourself. A better person will come around and hopefully you will be in a better place all round.
It's impossible to have emotional security in a relationship without open communication, and that is definitely a need, not a want. You are correct in your stance here.
@@zibbitybibbitybop but she'd get mad at me for bringing it up that she didn't talk to me for 3 weeks, or blame her anxiety or she'd say the more I force her to talk the more she didn't want to.
@@batzgameguru You were trapped in a destructive "script" - I guess it traumatized you to a degree, but you are not destroyed, so I hope you can talk your experience through with a councellor. If therapy is currently out of reach, there are self-help books that you can work seriously with, to get help to digest it and get it out of your system, so that you don't contaminate your next relationship by mistake. Your reaction is very understandable and as you take responsibility for it, you know what you want to stay away from, and you sure should! All the best wishes, you have a great asset there, in your willingness to talk about any problem to find a solution. You'll make an other girlfriend overjoyed.
Do you guys know anyone else that makes sense like PsycHAcks?
PsychHacks has built upon insights I have gained from very few others that have a strong foundational understanding of men / women relationships. Orion reinforces Esther Perel, the Gottman's, Jordan Peterson. I also have a couple small growing channels added to my viewing library that have helped me grow.
It seems that the sexless marriage would be an exception. In that case, a man's needs are not being met and it is a highly important aspect of the exclusive relationship. It's difficult for a man to realize he's in an abusive relationship when he is simply being selectively neglected.
But why would a mans want for sex be any different to someone else’s want for emotional support from a partner. He could survive without it but it would probably be an unfulfilling relationship which is the same when something else is lacking that’s important to a partner
George Carlin has a response to this phrase: “Drop some of your needs! Life is a Zero Sum game”
Zero sum game is a commie bullshit power grab concept
Awesome, thank you.
Thank you! I agree.
I need alone time, my own space, and things I do on my own to stay sane. Any man who doesn’t respect this need is immediate shown the door. I can tolerate a lot but this is absolutely non negotiable. Perhaps this is why I remain single. It is hard for me to live with someone. I moved my mother in with me since 2021. We have our own space in the house but at times I’d feel grouchy from her nagging.
LOL
Ah! At least one woman who has at least a vague idea of how men feel when their stupid wives are nagging them all the time for everything 😂😂😂