I have watched countless videos about roommate syndrome and this, by far, is the most valuable and makes the most sense of any of them. Thank you so much!
The only bad thing is when you tell your partner they hurt you and they actually apoligize and they acknoledge it they hurt you and they do it over and over again things wear thin. Each time the same argument grows bigger and biggerr til it explodes
That can be incredibly discouraging. And we're all human... we all make mistakes... change is hard. But at what point does it start to feel borderline intentional and neglectful? What are you doing to change that pattern? Just having the same conversation over and over again? Anything I can do to help?
Guess what, humans make mistakes over and over and over. I don’t what it is that your partner is doing to hurt you. If it’s physical abuse you must leave the relationship. If it’s hurt feelings you have to understand why it’s happening because you are your own person. Your partner will not react emotionally in the same way as you. But, if they offer an “actual” apology think about what’s being said. An actual apology communicates genuine empathy, remorse, and regret as well as a promise to learn from the mistake. If it’s a simple “I’m sorry” it’s not an apology.
My husband has repeatedly broke my trust, punished vulnerability, and continuously invalidated me when I speak to him for years. Now he has finally noticed that the intimacy is gone he is mad at me for it. I tried to explain to him that intimacy is built from trust and validation and being a safe place to be vulnerable and it fell on deaf ears. He is hung up on blaming me and actively punishing me for for it. Last night he told me "we are just roommates who happen to have a kid together" The saddest part he doesn't realize is we aren't even roommates. Most people in general treat their roommates better than he treats me. So I am less than even a roommate to him.
I got the same with family my sister said we're room mates and all I thought was no we're non existent there is no relationship. Room mates are treated better.
WELL...I'm living the SAME SHIT...sans the KID!! FURTHERMORE...she just announced to me "I NO LONGER HAVE NEED NOR DESIRE FOR SEX, SO..GET USED TO LIFE WITHOUT IT, and....DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING IT ELSEWHERE, AS THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES" WELL!! TO MY MIND, SHE JUST THREW DOWN A GAUNTLET, dictating to ME, that I'M TO GET USED TO LIVING LIKE A GODDAMN MONK!! WE DEFINITELY HAVE ROOMMATE SYNDROME, BY HER CHOICE!!. HOWEVER...there IS A TIME-HONORED SOLUTION...IT'S CALLED A JEWISH THROATCUTTING LAWYER, with orders to UTTERLY DESTROY her in court, in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE!! She has forgotten that I am of SICILIAN ancestry, and that my Great Uncle OWNED LAS VEGAS back in the '30's, and was RIGHT HAND MAN to Alfonse Capone. I TRY to NOT allow that side of my ancestral temper to arise...HOWEVER...when you CUCKOLD, AND DISRESPECT ME in such fashion...YOU DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES of your STUPIDITY AND DISRESPECT...PERIOD...HARD STOP!!
I have no more cheeks to turn. Somehow, after 45 years of marriage, I find myself with my own room and a weekly 1 hour appointment for intimate one-sided exploration. I have never been told “ I like that” or “what do you like?”. Extremely frustrating. It’s like carrying the luggage for two and one person not only expects it, but doesn’t care. Increasingly difficult to find fulfilling.
Man you described, how me and my wife got roommates. She never apologized for anything and turned to do it just to calm her. And the very last thing I want is being intimate with her. That’s too close and too dangerous.
Oh it's over then cuz she has needs to and we know that if a woman cheats it's over so u might want to be sure about that before u push her over the edge just in case u haven't done your due diligence....none of us are perfect it takes time to really sit back and reflect on ourselves it comes over time then u will see yourself as well...goodluck to u guys tho I hope your family griws stronger and better and healthier 💪🏽
Wow. My longtime boyfriend treats our entire relationship like he treats his dishes. Exactly as you explained. His house is always a mess and he will literally AND figuratively drink from soup bowls until he can't anymore... meaning that I explode out of frustration. He sees no urgency to mend, prevent, repair, or reroute in any way, all under the guise of being "easy-going" and "nonchalant". The way I explained this to him was by saying that he often "pretends our issues don't exist until they pile up and drag on until I'm crying about it" as I've always had to bring up ANYTHING we've ever struggled with. It almost makes things worse for me, making that connection to your analogy. He treats so many other things carelessly in his life that I'm afraid he'll never respect our relationship the way he should. I can't teach an adult how to be responsible with things they allegedly care about, and even if I could... it'd be impossible if he didn't actually care.
I’m sorry. I go through the same. I see my desire for him disappearing, and I don’t know till when I can stay in a relationship like that. I miss a real relationship. My first partner was the opposite .
Do your future self the kindest thing you could possibly ever do and let him go. Nothing that you are going through right now will change for the better. You are in a constant stress...day in a day out. Free yourself. You are not married and it's easier to walk away than if you were. You deserve the best and he's not willing to give you the bare minimum.
You sound impossible to live with, being so picky about stuff that he doesn't care about. Your narcissism has already decided "this is OK, that is not" without taking his opinion into consideration. Some people have a much higher tolerance of what's considered messy or dirty. That doesn't mean you're right. He probably is going insane, like he's with his mother and not a partner.
Really good video. A couple in my church was married in 1959. Adorable and loving couple. He'll be 90 in May, and I want to say she's not far behind him in age. They're so cute together. Anyway, dishes analogy is great. So true. After almost 25 years of marriage, I know that autopilot is an easy thing to do, but having a thriving, loving, joyful and lively marriage requires effort and intention from BOTH partners. Praying for marriages today ❤️ (and for unmarrieds, as well).
I am very needy and clingy I feel it comes from childhood but anyways I use to be this way in the first 8 years and then i kind of just stopped expecting love and attention and I do feel like I've been pulling away I'm scared to touch him and that he might pull away
Married for 14 years with a 4 year old son, my husband keeps hurting my feelings over and over and over and apologising over and over and over but it doesn't work, because we know this will happen again the moment something happens contrary to what he wishes!! The problem appeared just after the birth of our child! I don't feel any love for him anymore and we are more like roommates😔
Husband should get higher priority over the kid. If you don't follow that principle, you will get more distant from each other. I love my 5 year old son but my wife took me for granted ever since she got pregnant with my kid.
Yes, same here. It all started since the birth of my son. The child became the priority, both working 50h a week. We don't have energy nor time for each other. Everything was awesome before. Most men told me not to marry and not to have children if I wanted good time to last.
Me and my wife have just split up over this!...I wish I could've fixed it sooner!..I'm devastated!..no amount of apologies have fixed my marriage..also work stresses and covid issues...and twins!.. Edit:- please don't take her/him for granted...
What if it’s already happening like 8 months in? Lol. But I think we are realizing all these things sooner than later which is good and working on being more open when we are hurt
Re-watching this, the idea of stopping, talking, apologising......... This is basically "advice" for men, because modern women have no accountability, they don't apologise unless it begins with "i'm sorry that you". Being the only partner who ever accepts accountability is not a healthy relationship dynamic, simp if you want to, but don't be surprised when she cheats on you.
My husband has narcissistic personality disorder symptoms. He hates human emotions and intimacy. he will use sex to control relationships, he will withhold it and use it if he wants something. He will devalue me intentionally
That sounds really rough. And it doesn't sound like that's what you signed up for. Have you sought out any support for how to be in partnership with someone who struggles with narcissistic personality symptoms?
@@TheGrowthMarriage Narcissist dont know theres something wrng with them thats why a therapy is impossible. Its like youre married to a man with an EQ of a toddler. IM planning my future now
Since you have diagnosed him as having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, have you offered to take him to a psychologist for help? Treatment for this is talk therapy or physiotherapy. I hope you will consider helping him.
I've screwed up and every time I have apologized and not repeated. My biggest fault is I am hard of hearing. And apparently it has become a point of contention in my relationship. I get it - I can't hear very well - I've tried some hearing devices - but what bothers me is I'm treated like "I'M JUST NOT LISTENING AND I"M IGNORING HER." We are actually in the market in the near future, but I will be pushing for twin beds. Never thought there was a problem and all of a sudden 20+ years of disgruntlement is dumped on me. I feel like I've cheated in our relationship, but I haven't.
Well, I very much appreciated your point of view But, am I missing something? Didn’t you say a year ago, that you were going to say something to carry this point on, one week later? Please highlight were you did this, because you made your point extremely well. We have a situation in our marriage, that is similar. It’s largely caused by my wife, who has a brilliant caring attitude. Unfortunately she does 4 consecutive morning where she gets up at 530 am each day, and when she gets home, 8 hrs or so later, she will take no rest. Often she works in her office till c midnight or 1am in the morning. She then goes to her pt job again with a large sleep deficit and this continues. In the process, cos she’s so tired, she gets more and more negative. Meanwhile, I’m at home retired at 71, waiting and expecting the next major shock criticism.
I've got a bunch of videos on Roommate Syndrome on this channel. And here's a great resource that goes WAY into depth on the topic: epicmarriageclub.com/workshop
I’ve been in a relationship for only a year and a half and my partner and I have already started to become stagnant. It’s gotten to the point to where we only have sex once every two weeks and she rarely sleeps in the same bed. I was sure I wanted to marry her but now I feel like it could be a life sentence to a life of incomprehensible loneliness. Any advice? Is it too late to make a change? Can we repair it? I love her with everything inside of me but I feel like she is already just “going through the motions” because we are good for each other on paper. Thanks!
In my case, the problems started 4 years ago when I went back to work from paternity leave, she got so incredibly resentful and even though it's completely illogical she just will not let go, and now it's just a pile of shit that has built up on top of that foundation. She's nasty, vindictive and selfish and she's wasted nearly 10 years of my life that could have been spent with a better person. We had a long discussion over trying to fix things, I tried to forget everything she's done and go back to being myself, she took my trying as a free license to treat me even worse.
#1 red flag is not going to bed at the same time. #2 spouse never sits besides you. #3 slows no affection and doesn't look at you. I lived this many years and it means they do not love you and the Relationship will not last!
No connection...humans need to feel that! It's a tough decision when being an adult and other people on the line but it weighs heavily It's a real thing to really feel a connection emotionally in a healthy way in a I understand u and u understand me way (although no one is perfect u can mostly get someone tho if u get with the right person that is for u).....
My husband only has sex with me a couple times a year. I have brought it up multiple times trying to find out what the problem is. I brought it up again a couple nights ago. His response was it’s not my job to have sex with you.
My wife let herself go after our daughter was born and put on about 80 pounds. At about 40 pounds in, she said she agreed with all the women at work that said if they never had sex again they wouldn’t miss it. I lost all desire for her and we became roommates at that point. We had sex one more time after she said that and for the first time in my life, I had trouble staying hard in order for her to finish before me. In my mind, I am simply her handyman and wallet.
It seems everyone assumes I’ve gained a lot of weight and that’s the problem. I’m 5’7” 145lbs. That’s not anything to gross out over. I’ve had 3 kids and I think I’ve done pretty good. My husband’s issues started after his dad and brother passed away.
Oh man. Poor guy. This last comment made me wonder if his response to you stemmed from you possibly saying something like it's not my job to comfort you/be your therapist after his family members died. He must have been very depressed after these events.
I'm a quiet type and truly I really have not much to communicate about im ok with a mate like myself both can be yourself as long as both trust each other
Okay, no normal adult leaves dishes sitting that long. Dishes get done during meal prep, just after meal is cooked, and immediately after dinner. That analogy is completely lost because neither of us would ever leave dishes in the sink. Now for the root of the analogy I am now at a point where I just flat out tell them how I was hurt or how the behavior made me feel and normally there is no remorse for those actions. Just a quick I am sorry and let's now move on from that situation.
No I live with people who do just that it's a dish war all the time they'll use every dish and the one who cooks for their half of their family makes 15 dishes to cook meals + what they use to eat then leaves it all piled both on the counters and in the sink you can't use either side of the sink while they leave and just expect people to do it they feel they're special cuz the have a job so they don't need to do after cooking dishes like everyone else and it took a few years for it to bleed over till I'm the only one doing my dishes for nearly anything and me over giving to them makes no sense so they just don't have dishes most the time. I'm shocked in the reverse people cook then clean just before eating or right after the meal is done in an hour? After reading some of these post I'm wondering if I can use how people treat their dishes to pre-warn me about if they're dysfunctional or not! I tell them to how they hurt me and it's not acknowledged or I get yelled at more or insulted or abused emotionally or mentally or mocked for it.
I've always heard most marriages die of boredom, in your younger years of the marriage your trying to keep a roof over your head ,raising kids and making sure their feed and healthy , ( and other wolves at bay) but the marriage suffers. what is it, couple spends about 15 minutes a day talking to each other, other than the logistics of the home , and utilities of it? Much less having date nights ( According to a new report from the National Marriage Project at UVA and the Wheatley Institute, which surveyed U.S. married couples about their dating frequency and found that over half (52%) reported “never” or rarely going out on dates, and the ones' that do you can pick them out when they walk into restaurant , because they'll sit there for hour ,and half ,and if their lucky they might say 10 words to each other.Than 20 yrs goes by and realize this isn't the person you married
I had an 8 year relationship. I stopped sleeping in the bed with her for the last 2 years of our relationship, I stopped having sex with her and became Emotionally Unavailable. She left me 5 months ago. It was my first relationship and I didnt know it would cause her to leave me. I got depressed and I didnt know why I started acting like that. When I figure things out... so much time had already passed and I didnt even realize what I was doing
@@jordinstephens9355 I know at my age people say I should have known better but I didnt. I developed a mental disorder during the pandemic. I couldnt function or think straight. I started getting paranoid about everything. I couldnt sleep or eat. I went to a therapist but by then it was too late. I developed bpd disorder. She had bpd disorder too but she been diagnosed with it. I dealt with her and her issues but she couldnt deal with mines.
@@jordinstephens9355 No she didnt act like I did. I guess she learned how to deal with it through many years of having it. I was new to it... I didn't know WTF was going on with me. I tried to hid it from her by avoiding her.
@@mutechannel13 At least you see now where you went wrong. That's most important. Now you won't make that same mistake of being avoidant which k1lls relationships.
“For better or worse” doesn’t count for men. Hope she’s having the time of her life with her kids, grandkids, and friends! I don’t fault them, but men truly cannot comprehend having to have sex when you have no desire for it. You’re blessed to always have desire no matter what. Wives are expected to perform varieties of things frequently like we’re really into it and majorly turned by what we see, hear, touch, feel…and taste. But we are not. At all. We have no libido left due to many hormonal issues, health issues, medications needed, having babies, exhaustion, stress, pressure-and there’s no Viagra for women. There’s no hormone therapy that works for very long, if at all. So we pretend we are aroused and into it for years and years for our husband’s gratification. Until the awfulness of it wears us down. We didn’t ask to lose our libido. We went to doctors and specialists and counselors. She tried many times to tell you about emotional intimacy needs but you didn’t have the time, willingness or belief in any of that stuff. Guys, try to imagine being made a full-on eunuch. You are castrated so your libido is non-existent. It’s deader than a door nail. But there’s something you can be injected with that enables you to become erect, only it does not give you any arousal sensation whatsoever. Then you’re expected to go lie with your partner as much as she wants or she’ll become irritable and short-tempered, mad, and hurt that you’re rejecting her, when you just do not have any desire in you, but you are supposed to do it anyway and enjoy what you cannot feel or enjoy. You have to do all this kissing, touching, etc. etc.-think of all the varieties of things and positions. BUT YOU FEEL NOTHING AROUSING OR PLEASURABLE AT ALL. Think of HAVING to act all turned on and energetic, having to say and do things so she feels pleasure and gratification, but you get neither of those things. IF you have a good enough imagination of what being castrated feels like, you might begin to understand what so many women go through until they can’t do it anymore. Imagine you have to do this for 50+ years. And then being cast aside because you just couldn’t handle performing anymore. Most women are “castrated” by physical and emotional causes. The thing is, most wives wouldn’t leave a husband who has no libido due to an accident or severe health issue, and wouldn’t condemn him for it even if it lasted decades. And most wouldn’t cheat either. (Well, maybe these younger women today would.) They’d endure together and accept other forms of love and affection. Hope this might help someone learn something and have a kinder understanding of this dilemma for many, many wives and husbands. God help us all.
What about husbands who are in such bad moods after work or when they are sick they bring down the whole energy of the home and make everyone be on eggshells ? I understand no one is great when they don’t feel good but instead of take meds they rather just be in living room and make everyone else miserable ? Or when you ask what’s wrong and they say nothing ? Ask how you can be better for them they say they are fine . 🤦♀️🤷♀️
That's mood weaponization and a thing announcing he's abusive low key and you don't realize it most people are conditioned to think that behavior is normal it's not, it's abuse. If you worked you would not be permitted by him to do what he does put your feet up all day after work cuz your tired he'd get aggressive with you, weaponize your moodiness he'd get aggressive with you. What he's doing is controlling behavior he may think in his mind he's really tired but that's not what that is that is unconscious controlling behavior the he will never recognize. The not taking meds is apart of that if he took the meds he'd get better he doesn't want to get better he wants you to serve him or do as your told. He has no wish to change his behavior and or he has such a huge dissassoation with not just identifying how he feels but knowing and naming what he feels which is a disorder and this leads to too many violent males when you try to get them to tell you what and or how they feel as they can't figure it out this is not a good partner he's unsafe and not even he knows it half the time how unsafe for you he is. Abuse is complex the abuser can sometimes be actively/consciously abusing towards people and also at other times unconsciously/be unaware of it either way both conditions are unsafe for you. I lived with a my sibling and her family her husband was also put your feet up I'm tired when he came home performed (unconsciously to him) both weaponized incompetence and weaponized moodiness he tried to please my sis & was verbally abusive to his kids like hell he told his kids "I'm going to kill you!" to make them go to sleep so bad he was voted out by his family that fixed some of his mood the other half that fix his moodiness when he came back after Covid? A divorce and his ex now has a new bf that she does not keep from him and invites him over often he can't fight and play mood games and incompetence games when she isn't putting up with it now he comes homes whines yet will move into doing things he use to never do cuz he was tired but it all performative he's trying to get her to not kick him out and make him homeless cuz he knows he can't do better then her house now! This guy has some mental issues to due being dropped and beaten so he didn't turn violent yet too many males who one tries to correct do so hence unsafe possibly deadly.
yeah, we have roommate syndrome because we have not had intentional one on one time in 11+ years. not even 1 date night. this is what he wants not me. i tried to have time with him. he gets angry and says im nagging him. so yeah. i became an unexpected roommate in my own life story
What you’re saying is true, but it doesn’t negate and excuse the fact that women don’t want to hear the truth. Accountability is kryptonite to a woman. A man may do this also.
That only solves one problem. Avoiding the problems that come with marriage simply present you with a whole new set of problems. For some it's bitterness, anger, or loneliness. For others it might be lack of security or stability. Marriage isn't for everyone. But not getting married doesn't simply solve all the problems that are inherent in relationships.
I have watched countless videos about roommate syndrome and this, by far, is the most valuable and makes the most sense of any of them. Thank you so much!
Thanks, Kevin! So glad it was helpful.
The only bad thing is when you tell your partner they hurt you and they actually apoligize and they acknoledge it they hurt you and they do it over and over again things wear thin. Each time the same argument grows bigger and biggerr til it explodes
That can be incredibly discouraging. And we're all human... we all make mistakes... change is hard. But at what point does it start to feel borderline intentional and neglectful?
What are you doing to change that pattern? Just having the same conversation over and over again?
Anything I can do to help?
Guess what, humans make mistakes over and over and over. I don’t what it is that your partner is doing to hurt you. If it’s physical abuse you must leave the relationship. If it’s hurt feelings you have to understand why it’s happening because you are your own person. Your partner will not react emotionally in the same way as you. But, if they offer an “actual” apology think about what’s being said. An actual apology communicates genuine empathy, remorse, and regret as well as a promise to learn from the mistake.
If it’s a simple “I’m sorry” it’s not an apology.
When u r fed up of the same thing over over again of xplaning but no resolutions then keep it in silent mode
Bingo! On point!
I've absolutely had enough of everything. I feel so alone and have no one to talk to
Same here. Like the song, you're outta touch, I'm outta time! I'm outta my head when you're not around...
That dishes analogy makes so much sense. Those little moments of hurt or disrespect really do add up.
I know, right?! That stuff just builds up and builds up. It can be hard to counteract it.
This is so true….I no longer consider myself to be in a relationship….I’m stuck in a situationship. BTW I am divorced…..
Why don’t you get divorced?
My husband has repeatedly broke my trust, punished vulnerability, and continuously invalidated me when I speak to him for years. Now he has finally noticed that the intimacy is gone he is mad at me for it. I tried to explain to him that intimacy is built from trust and validation and being a safe place to be vulnerable and it fell on deaf ears. He is hung up on blaming me and actively punishing me for for it. Last night he told me "we are just roommates who happen to have a kid together"
The saddest part he doesn't realize is we aren't even roommates. Most people in general treat their roommates better than he treats me. So I am less than even a roommate to him.
I got the same with family my sister said we're room mates and all I thought was no we're non existent there is no relationship. Room mates are treated better.
Tell him exactly that so he can move on and you the same.
WELL...I'm living the SAME SHIT...sans the KID!! FURTHERMORE...she just announced to me "I NO LONGER HAVE NEED NOR DESIRE FOR SEX, SO..GET USED TO LIFE WITHOUT IT, and....DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING IT ELSEWHERE, AS THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES"
WELL!! TO MY MIND, SHE JUST THREW DOWN A GAUNTLET, dictating to ME, that I'M TO GET USED TO LIVING LIKE A GODDAMN MONK!! WE DEFINITELY HAVE ROOMMATE SYNDROME, BY HER CHOICE!!.
HOWEVER...there IS A TIME-HONORED SOLUTION...IT'S CALLED A JEWISH THROATCUTTING LAWYER, with orders to UTTERLY DESTROY her in court, in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE!! She has forgotten that I am of SICILIAN ancestry, and that my Great Uncle OWNED LAS VEGAS back in the '30's, and was RIGHT HAND MAN to Alfonse Capone. I TRY to NOT allow that side of my ancestral temper to arise...HOWEVER...when you CUCKOLD, AND DISRESPECT ME in such fashion...YOU DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES of your STUPIDITY AND DISRESPECT...PERIOD...HARD STOP!!
Why are you still with him?
Apologies don’t work when the person keep doing what he says he apologizes for.
I have no more cheeks to turn. Somehow, after 45 years of marriage, I find myself with my own room and a weekly 1 hour appointment for intimate one-sided exploration. I have never been told “ I like that” or “what do you like?”. Extremely frustrating. It’s like carrying the luggage for two and one person not only expects it, but doesn’t care. Increasingly difficult to find fulfilling.
Man you described, how me and my wife got roommates. She never apologized for anything and turned to do it just to calm her. And the very last thing I want is being intimate with her. That’s too close and too dangerous.
You're definitely not alone.
Oh it's over then cuz she has needs to and we know that if a woman cheats it's over so u might want to be sure about that before u push her over the edge just in case u haven't done your due diligence....none of us are perfect it takes time to really sit back and reflect on ourselves it comes over time then u will see yourself as well...goodluck to u guys tho I hope your family griws stronger and better and healthier 💪🏽
Wow. My longtime boyfriend treats our entire relationship like he treats his dishes. Exactly as you explained. His house is always a mess and he will literally AND figuratively drink from soup bowls until he can't anymore... meaning that I explode out of frustration.
He sees no urgency to mend, prevent, repair, or reroute in any way, all under the guise of being "easy-going" and "nonchalant". The way I explained this to him was by saying that he often "pretends our issues don't exist until they pile up and drag on until I'm crying about it" as I've always had to bring up ANYTHING we've ever struggled with.
It almost makes things worse for me, making that connection to your analogy. He treats so many other things carelessly in his life that I'm afraid he'll never respect our relationship the way he should.
I can't teach an adult how to be responsible with things they allegedly care about, and even if I could... it'd be impossible if he didn't actually care.
I’m sorry. I go through the same. I see my desire for him disappearing, and I don’t know till when I can stay in a relationship like that. I miss a real relationship. My first partner was the opposite .
Do your future self the kindest thing you could possibly ever do and let him go. Nothing that you are going through right now will change for the better.
You are in a constant stress...day in a day out. Free yourself.
You are not married and it's easier to walk away than if you were.
You deserve the best and he's not willing to give you the bare minimum.
You sound impossible to live with, being so picky about stuff that he doesn't care about.
Your narcissism has already decided "this is OK, that is not" without taking his opinion into consideration. Some people have a much higher tolerance of what's considered messy or dirty. That doesn't mean you're right.
He probably is going insane, like he's with his mother and not a partner.
@@thorie79exactly!! I don’t know why she stays with him, she’s not even married to him.
Great video! I find it much better than many other therapists videos I have ever seen! 👍👍👍👍👍👍👏👏👏👏👏
Really good video. A couple in my church was married in 1959. Adorable and loving couple. He'll be 90 in May, and I want to say she's not far behind him in age. They're so cute together.
Anyway, dishes analogy is great. So true. After almost 25 years of marriage, I know that autopilot is an easy thing to do, but having a thriving, loving, joyful and lively marriage requires effort and intention from BOTH partners. Praying for marriages today ❤️ (and for unmarrieds, as well).
I am very needy and clingy I feel it comes from childhood but anyways I use to be this way in the first 8 years and then i kind of just stopped expecting love and attention and I do feel like I've been pulling away I'm scared to touch him and that he might pull away
Amazing, exactly what I needed
This hits hard… trying so hard to fix what I know hurts and angers him. But I wish he could see this and help me out with this.
You are VERY good at what you do!!! Thank you for putting all of these out here and helping educate people in this way 🙏
Great analogies and you seem very genuine. Great insight and very helpful advice. Thank you.
Hey thanks! That compliment honestly means a lot.
@@TheGrowthMarriage I hate to admit that I usually can't watch these types of videos because they seem so "schmaltzy", but you may change my mind!
Married for 14 years with a 4 year old son, my husband keeps hurting my feelings over and over and over and apologising over and over and over but it doesn't work, because we know this will happen again the moment something happens contrary to what he wishes!! The problem appeared just after the birth of our child! I don't feel any love for him anymore and we are more like roommates😔
Husband should get higher priority over the kid. If you don't follow that principle, you will get more distant from each other. I love my 5 year old son but my wife took me for granted ever since she got pregnant with my kid.
Yes, same here. It all started since the birth of my son. The child became the priority, both working 50h a week. We don't have energy nor time for each other. Everything was awesome before. Most men told me not to marry and not to have children if I wanted good time to last.
Where are you from Araha?
Would love to hear his side of this storey
What if you’re already at the crusty dish stage?
Me and my wife have just split up over this!...I wish I could've fixed it sooner!..I'm devastated!..no amount of apologies have fixed my marriage..also work stresses and covid issues...and twins!..
Edit:- please don't take her/him for granted...
That's a lot to take on... I hope you can hang in there and find a way to work things out. Let me know if I can help!
@@TheGrowthMarriage any suggestions im going through that right now :(
What if it’s already happening like 8 months in? Lol. But I think we are realizing all these things sooner than later which is good and working on being more open when we are hurt
Makes a lot of sense, like your analogies.
I like your profile pic.
Re-watching this, the idea of stopping, talking, apologising......... This is basically "advice" for men, because modern women have no accountability, they don't apologise unless it begins with "i'm sorry that you".
Being the only partner who ever accepts accountability is not a healthy relationship dynamic, simp if you want to, but don't be surprised when she cheats on you.
He's a cuckold
Chip, meet shoulder 😂
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt - - my wife's favorite non-apology. I have received a genuine apology a handful of times in 15 years together.
My husband has narcissistic personality disorder symptoms. He hates human emotions and intimacy. he will use sex to control relationships, he will withhold it and use it if he wants something. He will devalue me intentionally
That sounds really rough. And it doesn't sound like that's what you signed up for. Have you sought out any support for how to be in partnership with someone who struggles with narcissistic personality symptoms?
@@TheGrowthMarriage Narcissist dont know theres something wrng with them thats why a therapy is impossible. Its like youre married to a man with an EQ of a toddler. IM planning my future now
Since you have diagnosed him as having a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, have you offered to take him to a psychologist for help? Treatment for this is talk therapy or physiotherapy. I hope you will consider helping him.
This sounds like my husband
I realize wemare at the roommate stage however she doesn't think so even though at best we are only roommates
How do you move forward
I've screwed up and every time I have apologized and not repeated. My biggest fault is I am hard of hearing. And apparently it has become a point of contention in my relationship. I get it - I can't hear very well - I've tried some hearing devices - but what bothers me is I'm treated like "I'M JUST NOT LISTENING AND I"M IGNORING HER."
We are actually in the market in the near future, but I will be pushing for twin beds. Never thought there was a problem and all of a sudden 20+ years of disgruntlement is dumped on me. I feel like I've cheated in our relationship, but I haven't.
Well, I very much appreciated your point of view
But, am I missing something? Didn’t you say a year ago, that you were going to say something to carry this point on, one week later? Please highlight were you did this, because you made your point extremely well.
We have a situation in our marriage, that is similar. It’s largely caused by my wife, who has a brilliant caring attitude. Unfortunately she does 4 consecutive morning where she gets up at 530 am each day, and when she gets home, 8 hrs or so later, she will take no rest. Often she works in her office till c midnight or 1am in the morning. She then goes to her pt job again with a large sleep deficit and this continues.
In the process, cos she’s so tired, she gets more and more negative. Meanwhile, I’m at home retired at 71, waiting and expecting the next major shock criticism.
I've got a bunch of videos on Roommate Syndrome on this channel. And here's a great resource that goes WAY into depth on the topic: epicmarriageclub.com/workshop
I’ve been in a relationship for only a year and a half and my partner and I have already started to become stagnant. It’s gotten to the point to where we only have sex once every two weeks and she rarely sleeps in the same bed. I was sure I wanted to marry her but now I feel like it could be a life sentence to a life of incomprehensible loneliness. Any advice? Is it too late to make a change? Can we repair it? I love her with everything inside of me but I feel like she is already just “going through the motions” because we are good for each other on paper.
Thanks!
In my case, the problems started 4 years ago when I went back to work from paternity leave, she got so incredibly resentful and even though it's completely illogical she just will not let go, and now it's just a pile of shit that has built up on top of that foundation. She's nasty, vindictive and selfish and she's wasted nearly 10 years of my life that could have been spent with a better person.
We had a long discussion over trying to fix things, I tried to forget everything she's done and go back to being myself, she took my trying as a free license to treat me even worse.
Oh yeah - i know this all too well.
#1 red flag is not going to bed at the same time.
#2 spouse never sits besides you.
#3 slows no affection and doesn't look at you.
I lived this many years and it means they do not love you and the Relationship will not last!
No connection...humans need to feel that! It's a tough decision when being an adult and other people on the line but it weighs heavily It's a real thing to really feel a connection emotionally in a healthy way in a I understand u and u understand me way (although no one is perfect u can mostly get someone tho if u get with the right person that is for u).....
My husband only has sex with me a couple times a year. I have brought it up multiple times trying to find out what the problem is. I brought it up again a couple nights ago. His response was it’s not my job to have sex with you.
That's an easy answer: you don't attract him anymore
@@EV-EV-EV I think that’s obvious.
My wife let herself go after our daughter was born and put on about 80 pounds. At about 40 pounds in, she said she agreed with all the women at work that said if they never had sex again they wouldn’t miss it. I lost all desire for her and we became roommates at that point. We had sex one more time after she said that and for the first time in my life, I had trouble staying hard in order for her to finish before me. In my mind, I am simply her handyman and wallet.
It seems everyone assumes I’ve gained a lot of weight and that’s the problem. I’m 5’7” 145lbs. That’s not anything to gross out over. I’ve had 3 kids and I think I’ve done pretty good. My husband’s issues started after his dad and brother passed away.
Oh man. Poor guy. This last comment made me wonder if his response to you stemmed from you possibly saying something like it's not my job to comfort you/be your therapist after his family members died. He must have been very depressed after these events.
How do we tackle the Grand Canyon?
Great question. I'll try to tackle this in an upcoming video.
A great resource: epicmarriageclub.com/workshop
I'm a quiet type and truly I really have not much to communicate about im ok with a mate like myself both can be yourself as long as both trust each other
yeah just like telepathy good job
Okay, no normal adult leaves dishes sitting that long. Dishes get done during meal prep, just after meal is cooked, and immediately after dinner. That analogy is completely lost because neither of us would ever leave dishes in the sink. Now for the root of the analogy I am now at a point where I just flat out tell them how I was hurt or how the behavior made me feel and normally there is no remorse for those actions. Just a quick I am sorry and let's now move on from that situation.
No I live with people who do just that it's a dish war all the time they'll use every dish and the one who cooks for their half of their family makes 15 dishes to cook meals + what they use to eat then leaves it all piled both on the counters and in the sink you can't use either side of the sink while they leave and just expect people to do it they feel they're special cuz the have a job so they don't need to do after cooking dishes like everyone else and it took a few years for it to bleed over till I'm the only one doing my dishes for nearly anything and me over giving to them makes no sense so they just don't have dishes most the time.
I'm shocked in the reverse people cook then clean just before eating or right after the meal is done in an hour? After reading some of these post I'm wondering if I can use how people treat their dishes to pre-warn me about if they're dysfunctional or not! I tell them to how they hurt me and it's not acknowledged or I get yelled at more or insulted or abused emotionally or mentally or mocked for it.
Mine won’t ever actually apologize, and now I know why - it’s bc he’s not sorry and it’s bc he’s GOING to do it again.
I think this can even happen over less time
I've always heard most marriages die of boredom, in your younger years of the marriage your trying to keep a roof over your head ,raising kids and making sure their feed and healthy , ( and other wolves at bay) but the marriage suffers. what is it, couple spends about 15 minutes a day talking to each other, other than the logistics of the home , and utilities of it? Much less having date nights ( According to a new report from the National Marriage Project at UVA and the Wheatley Institute, which surveyed U.S. married couples about their dating frequency and found that over half (52%) reported “never” or rarely going out on dates, and the ones' that do you can pick them out when they walk into restaurant , because they'll sit there for hour ,and half ,and if their lucky they might say 10 words to each other.Than 20 yrs goes by and realize this isn't the person you married
I had an 8 year relationship. I stopped sleeping in the bed with her for the last 2 years of our relationship, I stopped having sex with her and became Emotionally Unavailable. She left me 5 months ago. It was my first relationship and I didnt know it would cause her to leave me. I got depressed and I didnt know why I started acting like that. When I figure things out... so much time had already passed and I didnt even realize what I was doing
What was the realization? Why were you doing that?
@@jordinstephens9355 I know at my age people say I should have known better but I didnt. I developed a mental disorder during the pandemic. I couldnt function or think straight. I started getting paranoid about everything. I couldnt sleep or eat. I went to a therapist but by then it was too late. I developed bpd disorder. She had bpd disorder too but she been diagnosed with it. I dealt with her and her issues but she couldnt deal with mines.
@@mutechannel13 Wow okay, that's deep. Did she ever display the traits that you did? Like being emotionally unavailable or physically distant?
@@jordinstephens9355 No she didnt act like I did. I guess she learned how to deal with it through many years of having it. I was new to it... I didn't know WTF was going on with me. I tried to hid it from her by avoiding her.
@@mutechannel13 At least you see now where you went wrong. That's most important. Now you won't make that same mistake of being avoidant which k1lls relationships.
Man, these comments hit home
So hard.
What if wife is indifferent, but you ask her and she says she's ok. And that she doesn't know what she is going thru?
You are amazing 👏 bravo
No, you are.
Can relate to the dishes, literally and figuratively lol
😂 We all have those times in our relationship when the literal and the figurative overlap.
,That's why I left my wife of 54 years she would not sleep with me anymore and no more sex best thing I ever did for myself.
“For better or worse” doesn’t count for men. Hope she’s having the time of her life with her kids, grandkids, and friends! I don’t fault them, but men truly cannot comprehend having to have sex when you have no desire for it. You’re blessed to always have desire no matter what. Wives are expected to perform varieties of things frequently like we’re really into it and majorly turned by what we see, hear, touch, feel…and taste. But we are not. At all. We have no libido left due to many hormonal issues, health issues, medications needed, having babies, exhaustion, stress, pressure-and there’s no Viagra for women. There’s no hormone therapy that works for very long, if at all. So we pretend we are aroused and into it for years and years for our husband’s gratification. Until the awfulness of it wears us down. We didn’t ask to lose our libido. We went to doctors and specialists and counselors. She tried many times to tell you about emotional intimacy needs but you didn’t have the time, willingness or belief in any of that stuff.
Guys, try to imagine being made a full-on eunuch. You are castrated so your libido is non-existent. It’s deader than a door nail. But there’s something you can be injected with that enables you to become erect, only it does not give you any arousal sensation whatsoever. Then you’re expected to go lie with your partner as much as she wants or she’ll become irritable and short-tempered, mad, and hurt that you’re rejecting her, when you just do not have any desire in you, but you are supposed to do it anyway and enjoy what you cannot feel or enjoy. You have to do all this kissing, touching, etc. etc.-think of all the varieties of things and positions. BUT YOU FEEL NOTHING AROUSING OR PLEASURABLE AT ALL. Think of HAVING to act all turned on and energetic, having to say and do things so she feels pleasure and gratification, but you get neither of those things. IF you have a good enough imagination of what being castrated feels like, you might begin to understand what so many women go through until they can’t do it anymore. Imagine you have to do this for 50+ years. And then being cast aside because you just couldn’t handle performing anymore. Most women are “castrated” by physical and emotional causes. The thing is, most wives wouldn’t leave a husband who has no libido due to an accident or severe health issue, and wouldn’t condemn him for it even if it lasted decades. And most wouldn’t cheat either. (Well, maybe these younger women today would.) They’d endure together and accept other forms of love and affection. Hope this might help someone learn something and have a kinder understanding of this dilemma for many, many wives and husbands. God help us all.
I just told my wife if we are going to be roommates we are splitting 50/50. Holy shit the change
My wife said I drink to much...smoked to much which I did not watched her drink 4 goblets of wine and caught her out side smoking a blunt..wtf
Your should be an addition to your own happiness,some people are naturally unhappy persons who doesn't what a good thing to continue .
I feel like we are roommates but what your saying isn't 💯 idk what to do
Tell me more. What's not 💯?
What about husbands who are in such bad moods after work or when they are sick they bring down the whole energy of the home and make everyone be on eggshells ? I understand no one is great when they don’t feel good but instead of take meds they rather just be in living room and make everyone else miserable ? Or when you ask what’s wrong and they say nothing ? Ask how you can be better for them they say they are fine . 🤦♀️🤷♀️
That's mood weaponization and a thing announcing he's abusive low key and you don't realize it most people are conditioned to think that behavior is normal it's not, it's abuse. If you worked you would not be permitted by him to do what he does put your feet up all day after work cuz your tired he'd get aggressive with you, weaponize your moodiness he'd get aggressive with you. What he's doing is controlling behavior he may think in his mind he's really tired but that's not what that is that is unconscious controlling behavior the he will never recognize. The not taking meds is apart of that if he took the meds he'd get better he doesn't want to get better he wants you to serve him or do as your told.
He has no wish to change his behavior and or he has such a huge dissassoation with not just identifying how he feels but knowing and naming what he feels which is a disorder and this leads to too many violent males when you try to get them to tell you what and or how they feel as they can't figure it out this is not a good partner he's unsafe and not even he knows it half the time how unsafe for you he is. Abuse is complex the abuser can sometimes be actively/consciously abusing towards people and also at other times unconsciously/be unaware of it either way both conditions are unsafe for you.
I lived with a my sibling and her family her husband was also put your feet up I'm tired when he came home performed (unconsciously to him) both weaponized incompetence and weaponized moodiness he tried to please my sis & was verbally abusive to his kids like hell he told his kids "I'm going to kill you!" to make them go to sleep so bad he was voted out by his family that fixed some of his mood the other half that fix his moodiness when he came back after Covid? A divorce and his ex now has a new bf that she does not keep from him and invites him over often he can't fight and play mood games and incompetence games when she isn't putting up with it now he comes homes whines yet will move into doing things he use to never do cuz he was tired but it all performative he's trying to get her to not kick him out and make him homeless cuz he knows he can't do better then her house now! This guy has some mental issues to due being dropped and beaten so he didn't turn violent yet too many males who one tries to correct do so hence unsafe possibly deadly.
im going tru this ....please help
Go check out this workshop, it's a great place to start: HTTP://epicmarriageclub.com/workshop
yeah, we have roommate syndrome because we have not had intentional one on one time in 11+ years. not even 1 date night. this is what he wants not me. i tried to have time with him. he gets angry and says im nagging him. so yeah. i became an unexpected roommate in my own life story
I wish I could’ve seen this months ago….
All of this explanations just give a reason as to why prostitution must be legal, who wants a person like that who's a roomate????
I wish I had seen this video 9 years ago.
(Yes I know this video isn't that old.)
Soooooooo helpful ❤
Well , it looks like it’s always the same person who is going to end up cleaning the dishes .
👍
What you’re saying is true, but it doesn’t negate and excuse the fact that women don’t want to hear the truth. Accountability is kryptonite to a woman. A man may do this also.
Don't be married. Problem solved.
That only solves one problem. Avoiding the problems that come with marriage simply present you with a whole new set of problems.
For some it's bitterness, anger, or loneliness.
For others it might be lack of security or stability.
Marriage isn't for everyone. But not getting married doesn't simply solve all the problems that are inherent in relationships.
I'm not married...just live with my girlfriend, and I've got a roommate problem
Bingo!
Stay single my friends.
Bingo.
Yep
Well isn't marriage basically being roommates??😅
Way way way to long to get to the advise to solve it 👎👎👎
it's every body!!dude any man get treated as u mention !!! 100% of us
I ate our cat now she wants to divorce 😢
Thanks for this
you lost me at millions of years