Can you please do some videos on why bpd men COMMIT to long term marriages/ relationships to covert narcissistic women when they discard everyone else? Thanks.
The amount of pain a person with BPD can cause to a non is unreal. Trust me, if they have the disorder don’t walk away, run. I went from “you’re perfect in my eyes & her soulmate” to “I don’t feel that way about you anymore, we’ll never be together” for the most minor reason. She left me for her ‘abusive’ ex too which made it worse.
I understand that reaction - Hell, I even shared it for years. In most cases I still believe its the right reaction - but there are people with BPD who take responsibility for their pain and learn how to break that generational curse. Most don't - a few do.
As soon as a girl tells me her ex was a narcissist or abusive or something like that I immediately start to wonder if it was her that was the problem... It's happened several times now, yep 4 women with BPD in a row 🤦🏻♂️.
@timbob1145 You're not alone, mate. I had 3 in a row. The most recent one turned from love of my life to pure hatred overnight and then told me she felt nothing and left me 6 weeks pregnant. She's currently on the other side of the country, making her final decision about an abortion and treating me like she's never even met me. The pain and loss I feel is beyond explanation, but like most of us, I still love her. She's fully discarded me, so I'm not expecting her back, but just today, I've completely resolved myself to never taking her back if she does change her mind. The cruelty is next level, and I definitely deserve better. It's time to work on myself and make sure I resolve my internal stuff so this doesn't happen again. My heart goes out to all of you dealing with this type of abuse, and just remember - it's not about you. Stand up for yourselves and do your own work!! Peace 🙏
@@infinitepotential8228 I can't imagine how you feel, with the potential parenthood involved... Sorry to hear mate. I guess the only positive you can take is that if she's irresponsible enough to do this at this time, perhaps it wasn't such a great idea for her to be the mother of your kids. Think that's what I'd have to keep telling myself in your position anyway. I'm lucky things went south fairly early with the last girl for me, as soon as I showed I wasn't gonna just mindlessly say yes to her basically. Good luck on your healing and growth and I'm sure you'll find someone more stable and reliable. May I ask, who initiated your relationship? Was it you or her? Every time I've ended up with a girl with BPD they have been the ones to approach me.
@timbob1145 Spot on. She initiated it. All 3 of the BPD women have in some form or another. I'm told I make women feel warm and safe and I've got a very friendly face.... so I'm assuming that translates to BPD woman fairly strongly. Mine left because I basically shrunk into my shell and stopped confronting her. She said she didn't know who I was anymore, and to be honest, I didn't either. I just wanted to avoid the drama. But those moments when she softens are like a drug. I'd stay with her for the next hit..... I guess that says something about me. The final straw was when I stood up to her but probably went overboard from all the pent up frustration. She didn't like what I said and walked out. You're right, though, better now than later.
Confession. I am an engineer. Very structured and a bit of a perfectionist. Dated a single mom that had what I eventually concluded to be BPD with ADHD. Everything was great as long as we dated without a real commitment. She begged for more. After a few months of begging, I decided to give it a shot. As soon as I told her I wanted to enter into a serious relationship, things got incredibly strange. I repeat INCREDIBLY strange!! Put me into “analysis paralysis”. Screwed my head up for a while until I researched it enough to understand BPD and took a few steps away. We still are in infrequent contact and it still confuses the hell out of me. Nothing is ever as it seems. Proceed with caution.
Spot on!! Thanks for making this video. That’s exactly what happened. He even used the term “wishful thinking” about being with me. He idealized me but the closer we got to being committed and moving forward the more he pulled back and stopped caring. He saw it as a weakness that I was kind and patient.
It even made me think that me being kind and patient was only me being weak and desperate... It really messes with your head eh. It takes some serious strength to fight off what's being projected on you. I seem to absorb and feel what they are feeling, it's only after some how managing to have 4 'relationships' with women with BPD, yes 4 🤦🏻♂️, that I'm learning how to keep their thoughts out of my head. However, I will say that the last discard has some how made me stronger than ever before. I think in some way I needed it to force me to dig a bit deeper into introspection and really get in touch with who I am and what my motivations are, but more importantly showed me where I was neglecting myself and how actually not looking after myself properly. The universe works in mysterious ways eh. I hope you came out realising you're a good woman and definitely have a lot to offer a good partner, can be with another imperfect person and grow together as individuals and as more.
@@timbob1145 thank you so much for your kindness. I’ve had two emotionally/psychologically abusive relationships back to back. One was for 9 years and we were married. Second was only 4-5 months but almost hurt worse than the marriage because of how crazy up and down he was and how quickly he discarded me. My first ex that abused me , it was a long time and took a while for me to “wake up” and see what was happening. You’re right - we can get way too into what they are thinking and feeling, almost a self sacrifice, in order to make things worse. I had a difficult time believing that he could be using me (after my ex husband I thought how could anyone be any worse??) There are just some really really selfish folks walking this planet. Taking care of ourselves is so important and I truly vow to run at the first red flag instead of giving the benefit of the doubt.
@@ocheerup1324 ha no thanks needed, just saying what sounds like the truth and you gave me an opportunity to splurge some of my thoughts at someone 😂 so thanks for the therapy I guess 😂. Good luck with the next one, remember that you are worth them making an effort for. 👍
Yeah, i'm experiencing this. i've been seeing a woman who says she has borderline personality disorder. We seem to hit off, but now as we continue to get closer, i mean it seems to be turning into a real relationship and not just 2 people seeing each other. Now, she's pulling away, it takes her 3 days to return my texts. So, i don't know if it will ever be a real relationship or if she'll run away at the last minute
This sounds like the opposite of needin reassurance which is what I hear about people with BPD. How can they want someone unobtainable yet need constant reassurance?
This is fascinating watching you explain myself to me as a woman with BPD. Thanks for understanding where it comes from & being nice about it. Wish I had not read the comments but I understand. Just so y'all know it's hard to work on something when you don't understand it yourself. Regarding getting help: I sought help for severe anxiety & the doctor never told me he diagnosed me with BPD. I found out about the diagnosis in court! At first I was heated. I told the judge "there is nothing wrong with my personality, I would give anyone the shirt off my back". 😂 Even after that the doctor did not explain BPD. I found out what my diagnosis meant and how to work on it through research & people like yourself. So thank you for that & the help you provide for significant others. Spot on! Keep it up! Subscribed! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ @CoachKen
i have severe bpd and when someone likes me, it's never that all of a sudden they're unworthy or not as good or lose their appeal. instead, it seems like a fairy tale that someone is actually making me happy and so there must be something going on like ulterior motives or heartbreak in the future that's just unforseen. nothing good is real and nothing tangible and real is ever truly good, and anything that looks like it is a lie. we wind up getting angry with and becoming distrustful of who we like because, in a borderline's eyes, anyone who has the ability to hurt you tremendously, will at some point.
Thousands of dollars of counseling didn’t shed this much light on what went wrong and why I was so attracted to her.. I am seriously stunned right now man.. I don’t even know what to say. I very well might be reaching out for a couple private sessions.
Men have bpd too folks! I am the woman poet musician warrior go getter and I gave all the life and love and blood sweat and tears I had to a man I highly suspect has Bpd even tho he's not formerly been diagnosed. He shows all the signs.. and I mean all like all of them! The identity crisis the suicide threats etc etc.... I stood by him fought for him for 3 long years bc I know he loves me and I tried to prove myself to him, took all the slings and arrows and he would just gaslight me devalue me and be literally the only one in my life that I would fight with. Non of my previous relationships, pail in comparison to this because at least those people were consistent! Loving someone and being in a relationship with someone with bpd is like constantly trying to hit a moving target. It's painful and I'm ready to walk away and stop sustaining battle scars... Thank you Coach Ken. Much love❤🙏🏼
Sorry for all you went through. There are definite gender biases with relationship issues and counseling. This is not really related to your point, but I found that no matter how toxic my wife's behavior was, even when she recounted it to the marriage counsellor, his approach was "she's mad at you about something, and we need to figure out what it is." Even though her attacks were all over the place. If a man is frequently yelling toxic attacks to his wife over everyday interactions, no counsellor would say to the wife "What did you do to make him so mad? We'll have to figure that out."
Yes, I too am the female poet warrior hun!. My ex male bpd of 6yrs on & off was literally like living with a 5yr old boy in a big strong man's body. Terrifying when he got angry because I couldn't put up with insane word salad of denial on pretty much everything. Worst relationship ever. Never get involved with a bpd, they will fuck up your life in ways you could never imagine.
To me, this is the best Coach Ken video. It's hard to describe how much this guy is helping me right now. He have the ability to communicate psychological things like no one else. Thanks for your work, coach!
My bpd ex was my zen master. Her insanity help prepare me for the current mentally ill state of the world. Wish I never met her, but I'm thankful for the life lessons and flaws it exposed within.
Your last sentence indicates immense healing. It took me about 5 years to be grateful to my borderline for the “experience” in a way to seek my own therapy and heal myself and my own childhood wounds. It’s life changing.
The warrior poet part really hit me. I’m a former military helicopter pilot, former police officer, musician and small business owner and I responded to my wife’s borderline personality disorder EXACTLY like you said. It was like you were reading a transcript of my brain in my early years of marriage. Powerful stuff man.
Seriously. After a 2 year relationship of not knowing why she was the way she was - hearing the description of BPD was like a fly on the wall recounting my whole relationship.
@@skyWalk02470 Its tough man, especially if you are actually trying hard to invest in the relationship. It’s like nothing works and it only gets worse the harder you try. It’s literally a lose -lose situation and people outside the relationship have a very hard time understanding what’s going on.
I never comment on RUclips, and I've watched hundreds of videos on BPD, trying to understand, and this one is the most personal, easiest to relate to clips I've ever seen. It's too late with my BPD girlfriend - she's discarded and disappeared, but she's not the first BPD woman that has seen me coming. Thank you for your help 👍🏼
So insightful. Hit the nail on the head with my ADHD and her BPD. Thank you for making this video, and reminding me of all the strengths I have that attracted her in the first place. It substantially eased the pain for the time being. I refuse to believe our love wasn’t genuine, & that she won’t seek help and come back to me. Thanks again Coach Ken, great work.
Your videos are like solving for x. “Ah-ha” moments and explanations for situations that make zero sense (especially for me, the calculated mentality). You hit the nail on the head in all these videos. I love what you said about how BPDs want the fairytale life but not knowing how to live it out. They’re walking contradictions. My diagnosed BPD ex went to therapy a few times and claimed to be “all fixed now.” Of course he went back to his BPD ways. Anyway, thanks Coach Ken. These videos are getting me through!
Absolutely nailed this. I’m ADHD and she was/is by far undiagnosed BPD. By far. This video could not have been more accurate and true to my experience w/this woman, soup to nuts.
I’m attracted to bpd men because they’re emotionally sensitive. It’s a nice change from the average man who is distant and sort of uncaring. They also actually want you around all the time, which is also nice because most guys seem annoyed by their woman and rather hang with the dudes. It also feels great to have a man actually want to commit and mary you. You feel like you hit the jackpot. You feel like the luckiest woman in the world. But it doesn’t last. Once they split on you, there’s almost no coming back from that.
@gothicdolly1756 @CoachKen Yes, mine love bombed me for 3 months. We connected on every level. He wanted to get married, spoke of moving in together, couldn't wait for me to change my last name. Called me the love of his life... "I wish I met you 30 years ago!". Wanted to spend all his time with me, which I loved. Met all his kids. Highly empathic and an amazing communicator for a guy. Like you, I actually told him I felt like I won the lottery in boyfriends. And when I was finally all in, everything changed. When he broke up with me, he said he couldn't love me the way I need and deserve and that it was because of his childhood and past TWO divorces that he couldn't change (unfixable) and that he felt guilty for his shortcomings. And then he started dating immediately and has rebounded. I still have hope; we both need healing as I have typically been codependent because of a bad divorce too. We both have abandonement issues. I am trying to heal mine while he numbs his pain relationship hopping.
24:35 the man they are attracted to sounds like me omg scary realization also i'd say I have ADHD. Being this way especially during a break up can be very intense for me and tough for example right now and i'm always trying to perfect things in my head about the past and trying to still to this day explain to myself why just why did it have to go like that and so suddenly out of no where?? sadly BPD is a huge factor in this as she has it ,and I knew I was helping her get into the right place while we were together and now I'm just hearing that she's gone down hill :/ I wish I could still be there to help her... love the helpful bpd mentor video as per usual KEN!
Thanks to your comment I feel less alone. I also have ADHD and been through a relationship with a borderline person. The rejection sensitivity that we have surely gets triggered like never before :O
Thanks Christian! Understanding doesn't take away all the anxiety but it does help take some of the edge off and ease that sense of being overwhelmed just a bit
I been laughing throughout!! The video !! Everything he said .. is me and everything else is her! Is literally listening my story!!! How weird !!! Thank you for the video. You definitely know what you talking about.
Nailed it again Ken, you know what you’re talking about and put it all so succinctly. It’s empowering to hear someone read your own story back to you and lay it all out so well. 👏🏻
I had strong sense of self but not conceit. I walked on egg shells to not stir her out of her belief. She didn't know who she was. Said she settled for me because she thought I was her perfect match. We were distant lovers so that's why she chased me the way she did. You hit it on the nail. She was dealing with mommy and daddy issues, that's where the bpd comes from. This is spot on man..I can go on and on this is crazy...I wish I knew before hand, didn't know people had all this shit going on. I was the poet lmao the rap artist and fashion. She is a fashion person herself so she thought we was meant. Her mother was a head leader on a religion so she always had these expectations on her that she also put on herself. Damn this makes sense. I'm the poet/calculator warrior, she crushed me man never had my heart broken before. It sucks She had soooo many insecurities man this girl did not love herself but she was so beautiful and awesome just had anger issues...fuck , you spot on man. She always said when things got really tough, that, "well go find someone who's better for you" I should have took heed. Explains the tattoos and one big one she got after leaving me
Thank you for the is information. I’ve been married to an undiagnosed BPD for 14 years. This whole time they assumed it was autism and anxiety but this video wow. I’m in tears. I’m all the subcategories of this. I have a son with this man and although he’s now in therapy and willing to work on himself it’s definitely left me a mess. I’m picking up the pieces of who I use to be and hoping that my future is better than my past. My mother too is an undiagnosed BPD so I can see why I was attracted to this type of man trying to relive my childhood trauma.
So sorry you've been living through that from one to another in terms of a parent then a spouse. It makes sense but it's painful to spend that long thinking it must be you in some way
Exactly the same here. She was a lawyer and in the beginning was wonderful. Then I found out she was changing men all the time. I suffered for 5 months like crazy. Now I'm better, even though I still think about her. No contact all the way. I begged too much. And every time, she started a new 'relayionship' with a new guy :)
Wow I’ve watched so many of your videos on BPD and yet you always manage to teach me some new critical things each time. Brilliant as ever. Love the “that anxiety has to go somewhere”line that’s a great way of understanding their mindset. 👏
17:35 - "It's too late, because that isn't what caused the break up in the first place" ... man you dont understand how much peace that statement brought to me. the reasons she gave for breaking up with me made no sense, but the more i thought and analyzed everything, i started to think maybe she is right about all the reasons she said for breaking up. I then started beating myself up and blaming myself for many things that didn't even make sense! I thought to myself a few times, maybe the reasons she gave me weren't even real and the reasons were really just her BPD giving her random things to devalue me for.... Thanks brother
It is ridiculous how accurate the description of the bpd situation is!! Exactly my situation 6 months later I just started to consider myself healed from this insanity…
This is the video that finally has crystallized my perspective with my BPD Ex. I can't thank you enough Coach K. Felt like you were speaking directly to me.
Hi Ken, I once dated a guy with PTSD, and unfortunately, it didn't last too long. He told me all about himself and gave me warnings about things he may do or say. After about 2 months of dating, he stopped calling me. I wasn't in love with him, but I tried to help him. He would get super quiet, then come out with an outburst. Thank God we were in his car. Things like this happened a lot, and I know he was in Therapy. I wished him the best of luck, and it ended peacefully.
Thank you for this video. You exactly described a previous relationship I had and this helped me a lot to understand it better. I would love to give you a double like or triple like if that would be possible.
Omg, this was my relationship with my ex to a T! Everything you said about her is what i lived through and who she left me for! God this is crazy accurate.
Hot damn, I've been with several women with BPD - and this video was incredibly confronting. Cheers for the insight Ken, I can tell you're a warrior poet yourself - you articulated all of this very well indeed.
Thank you for your video. Since Aug 23 he breaks up with me almost every month. I don't believe he realizes he's BPD. I think this may be the final discard. Really hurts as I know he deserves so much love. I can only focus on myself and heal. 😢
Bro you just saved my sanity!!!! I feel healed...I knew all these things but couldn't make confirmation of it. Damn....I hope I can watch this with her.
It's like being put on a pedestal and then having it pulled out from under u over and over i need bettering myself to get back on my pedestal and when I do he pulls it away. GUESS WHAT. I LEARNED TO FLY
What a great fella and an amazing video. I’m in a good place now but I did get idealised and suddenly dropped by a women and never understood why. This explains everything
wow ive never heard this breaking down so accurately, im a female and had 5 yrs relationship with a female who is diagnosed bpd, and also had other short lived experience with an also diagnosed woman with bpd. My iq is above average, im highly sensitive, and artistic, and have a warrior mindset. I keep falling for them, because of their philosophical, sensitive and intelligent appearance, I see their wound, and that is just making me idolise them even more, in my relationship I tried to conquer my ex every day as if we would have just met. In my latest experience when a split happened I basically did the same what was told in this video, pretty much wrote a love letter in the discard texts for the mentioned reasons... it was a torture so in the end I kept it a bit fun still humiliated myself saying if she is really wants to block me, then she can be my crush from now. with a blinking emoji... I have rejection sensitivity, and I usually avoid conflict, (I have a lot of avoidant pd traits, not all) but sometimes devaluation and break up is just inevitable as they basically just setting you up for fight and failure when they are triggered by life events and on top of that you are too close as well.
I'm the third character. The analytical one. I never was the narcissist nor agreeing to proclaim undying love. But when discarded ( after the first month of honeymoon with myself and loving the freedom from the rollercoaster mind f@k) and by the way you're very very good at what you do because that's exactly what he said to me when splitting on me that he shouldn't have to tell me when he needs comforting, basically I was supposed to mind read and on most occasions I did, but the moment I failed to do so, boom, I became untrustworthy. Jeez, how did I even put up with this nonsense for 6 months?! But anyway , being the third character in this crazy saga, I started revisiting and overanalying everything, maybe I was not reassuring enough, maybe i was too focused on my job, maybe I should reach out and apologize blablabla... It took a full year from the break up to finally end the mind processing and come to a clear, peaceful and grounded understanding of it all.
What the unbelievably confusing situation it is. But I'm in there.... Scary place. Thx Coach for yesterday talking, i'm a poet Warrior:) I have always thinked it is a good thing, but now I beleive it's a curse....
I would save money to do a coaching session with you because you spotted and explained everything in a professional way and I can tell the difference from you as a certified coach than someone just had experience and do coaching.
15 minutes in it made good sense. Only small suggestion is to up the volume upload by one or two points? Maybe it is just my ears. But worth it to look into 😊. Thanks Ken
Very insightful and helpful why the break up with my ex feels so awful. Definitely helps me understand the dynamics and what's going on with my emotions. Thank you
yes for me she always told me "ur pressuring me" " u love me too much unconditionally. and I can't understand and you're more real than me' and i don't feel the same way", might i say this is after she was telling me i was a real man and that i am a very considerate and emotionally intelligent person ! suddenly I became no one to her! i didn't even hurt her I did nothing and she recognized this and when i confronted her she said simply said "well things change 🙊" its like she can't do anything to stop it, like its beyond her control. Seeing that this special person that you love deeply is treating you with total Disregard and indifference, is the most hurtful thing anyone can do to you. It literally feels like someone wrote your worst nightmare and played it in front of you.
Wow this hits the nail on the head in EVERYTHING you say in this video. Wish I had come across this a year ago, it ties together everything I've experienced and studied, I want to keep listening as it is consoling and gives me hope in myself, and a reality check. She ran towards me from the get go, and overidealised me. I felt overwhelmed and that I couldn't live up to her expectations of wanting a child, so always kept her at arms length. I'm above average intelligent, looks, and emotionally sensitive, I do stand out, but haven't felt I fit in with society -something we both share. We created our own world and grew close during the lockdowns. I had had a son taken away for years from a different woman, but had started fathering him again. I felt purpose driven and on my path. Then my son again got held away, and my pain started overtaking. My ex who hadn't secured a commitment left with a young rebellious superman. I had an emotional breakdown, first my son then her. A woman seeing me in pain told me to go confess my feelings towards her, misunderstanding the situation that she had left because I didn't commit, that didn't work. I then started studying everything I could from pickups, to breakups and relationships. I've been heartbroken for over a year. She came back briefly after her charmboy showed his flaws, but soon left thereafter to be with other guys since she found me in an emotional state ready to commit. Over the year she has kept reaching out, I know she likes and cares for me, but I now believe my availability to be there for her has been offputting, I must retreat, and stop offering myself. Hard, but I need to rediscover who I was and how I felt in my superpower when everything was on track. Deep breath. Your description of borderline and the characters they are attracted to makes a lot of sense. It is helping me find inspiration to do the things I loved doing back then. Understanding how they and I function helps in developing realistic expectations. I hope I can build on this inspiration and get back on track. This morning everything felt meaningless, and I felt gloomy and suicidal, now I'm realising a future, and the inspiration is coming back. Thank you so very much for what you do and your precious insight. God bless.
wow, this perfectly explained my last relationship... Although I have some narcissistic traits, I don't think I actually have NPD, because after about 8 months she completely captured my heart and then left me randomly It's crazy how some parts of the video described perfectly what happened in my relationship
You cannot change a borderline. Unless they get a significant amount of treatment I’m talking years of it and usually the majority of those cases end up failing anyways. To be fair it takes two to tango and usually the non BPD partner is a codependent because most healthy people would walk away and the first signs of red flags .A narcissistic or a masochistic person can make it work a little longer .
Honestly depends. BPD is not a black and white disorder. I have it. I'm on a spectrum. I can function fine in work relationships, but I tend to go with emotionally avoidant/ immature guys who trigger that aspect greatly. When I'm with secure individuals, it is still there, but I'm reassured in my position and thrive better. Depends on the person.
Bruh…i wish people would stop talking if they didn’t know what they were on about. BPD is one of the easier personality disorders to treat in terms of being able to provide recovery or manage it. Research has shown that in most cases people go into remission within 1-2 years of treatment, can we stop talking about people with BPD as thought they are a lost cause? Thanks.
wow!.........incredible video! by BPD pregnant of 8 months girlfriend just ran off a week ago and told me today to stay away from here! its been three months of a crazy roller coaster ride! what you made a lot of sense to me!👍🏾👍🏾thanks!
Wow. Such a dense stream or words that explained this dynamic very clearly. I had a 20 year marriage, a 2 week relationship, and a 4 month relationship, with large gaps in between. I need to know why I keep finding emotionally dysregulated women. Even though each woman was very different, Ken was spot on describing their common traits. I feel things very deeply and want a close relationship. Maybe it's from the Ms. magazines I read as a teenager, that portrayed women as often mistreated and men as the bad guys, programming me to think that a man has to be amazing and to have unending empathy for a woman. Women must spot that. When I think of all three of my recent relationships, they tested me right away to see that I was willing to focus on their needs. It got crazy shortly after, with outsized emotions over imagined things, and I spend so much time thinking about what I could do better or how I could reason with them. One clear sign that it isn't you is when they won't talk about what actually happened, but deflect and attack from random directions. Why am I so familiar with this very confusing behavior, while other people have never experienced it? I've learned to not accept toxic behavior, but I need to attract a different type of woman. This video explained things in a way I haven't heard before, and I hope can help me with that.
This hits home Ken, I feel it's like about me and my ex... Good and informative video as usual. The amount of knowledge you have is something to look up to!
So true. I think I am quite bpd. The switch happens for me once they want to be with me, or shortly after. I wake up and suddenly feel nothing, even repulsed. But the loss of attraction isn’t because I feel like “how could they be attracted to me when I’m so broken”, it’s just an automatic loss of attraction once I see them as too real/vulnerable. It feels kinda like an invasive feeling. It’s uncomfortable and attraction disappears. I wish I wasn’t like this. I am very hesitant to ever enter another relationship due to this because I can’t predict if it will happen again. The only times it doesn’t happen is if the guy is avoidant. But then it makes me internally crazy, so that doesn’t work either. I still feel soooo bad for ghosting my first boyfriend as a teenager.
To add… i feel really bad for any person on the receiving end. I can only say to avoid bpd person unless they are healing and self aware and take others hearts as seriously as they take their own needs. A lot of bpd people will say “but we deserve love too”. Yes, but if we’re unhealed and unsure if we’ll end up switching and inflicting pain, it’s selfish.
"how could they be attracted to me when I’m so broken?" This part is usually a subconscious reaction. Consciously it's pretty much the opposite. The person with BPD will usually feel stronger about themselves even if they feel some anxiety over the loss of attraction for the other person. They many times even feel energized or optimistic about the future of the next stage or chapter of life once they move on from the person they're splitting from.
@@CoachKen this makes sense. Thanks for explaining.. Yes, I definitely feel optimistic and energised. Refreshed and new afterwards. You are so correct about bpd relationship functioning in the delicate balance between abandonment and engulfment. To be in the space in between the two can feel like the conflicting needs are harmonised somewhat: control/letting go, safety/excitement, space/closeness, freedom/holding, continuity/novelty. And I guess each person’s balance is a little different (eg fear engulfment is stronger than fear of abandonment or vice versa), which impacts the balancing of the opposing needs mentioned above. Your videos are helpful. Thanks.
Hello coach I keep repeating this video so much it calms my nerves when everything gets chaotic after losing my relationship which I think she was bod thank you for this if you have any more advice please share and for everyone going through this I feel for you and I hope you heal and get past this and become whole again
This is a big help. I'm on the bpd spectrum and autistic and my man of 17 years is the calculator type. He won't give up on me. And now that I'm able to see myself better and desperately trying to be a better person, I'm thankful for such insights so i can work on not hurting him and my dbt class is really sticking this time. I love him and the kids so much, but I know I'm a terror.
That's amazing. Your ability to look at yourself clearly, even if it's after the fact, is impressive. I respect and encourage your self awareness and honesty. Best of luck to you all. No matter how odd the situation was with my soon to be ex wife, she would never take any responsibility for it. When the family was individually choosing leftovers for dinner out of the fridge, for the kids that were still undecided I pointed out that we had something that they liked. She got up from the table and said "I'll put this back." I was puzzled for a second and then said "I'm not telling you what to eat." She raised her voice and launched into attacks about how my family is so uptight about food and I was always focusing on eating healthy, and I saw her at the fridge and so I knew she had seen the mac and cheese with pork. When I said that I was telling the kids who were still wandering the kitchen, and I wouldn't suggest she switch out a salad for mac and cheese pork if I was focusing on health. She launched into more personal attacks, claiming things I had said years ago. In general, I ate a little healthier than her, but this really came out of nowhere and was never an issue before or after. We talked about that moment 3 times over many months that followed because I thought it was an easy example to make the point that she sometimes has unusual emotional reactions to everyday things. Even though I brought them up in calm times, it triggered immediate escalation into more personal attacks on every topic under the sun. The last time we discussed it, shortly before I moved out, she said "maybe you weren't telling me what to eat.", but then launched into other personal attacks. This is one example, They happened from every week to every few weeks, and each time the topic and trigger were completely different. Sorry if my venting was not helpful to you.
"i love you" "i wanna marry you" vs. "we don't know each other so well" "i saw some thing this weekend that made me realize that we are incompatible" I heard all of this in a 2.5 month span. after having a "closure" back and forth with her (at her behest)...I finally blocked her on every possible social media outlet and phone, because she wanted to keep communicating...as she accused me of things that weren't true or came to incorrect conclusions about me...or devalued me. I have to guard my energy. i hope she gets help.
Oh my god BRO ! same here she said we are not compatible and i felt it the most when we were at the beach, but during our relationship she said I love how passionate you are about me.
Very good video. I have been "dancing" on and off with BDP women for too long, first time 5 years relationship, then 5 years off, then back together and broke up again after one year..tell's something about me too right? i mostly subscribe as the "structured IT guy but not a sheldon nerd type" ...it's actually funny, the last "cycle" only lasted one year because i started to see the "patterns of her" and went "gray rock" on her...oh well, its painfull but i'll manage..."been there done that" already...but gotta learn more about my self why i attract these type of relationships. Your describing the types helped alot. Thanks ! 👍
I have listened many videos on this topic and I can surely say what coach Ken talk. is very authentic and know what he is saying. I love ❤️ to hear his talk but unfortunately we still have to face all this pain and emptiness in our life. God knows till how long. It’s horrible and so much terrible to bear this pain. I never ever experience this sort of pain in my life. Killing you inside. 😢
I’m in a relationship with a BPD and I just discovered it. This video was inordinately helpful to me. He is pulling away now. I’ll get help from a therapist because I think the relationship is ending soon
This man just described my me in my entire marriage! Its like he knows me and why marriage failed. 😢 a month after the break-up im still hurting. Even therapy isnt working.
Thank you. This is a new journey for me. I'm an extremely deep feeler who is in love with a BPD woman. I'm trying to learn as much as possible. This relationship is very complicated (even beyond BPD). So, learning how to navigate each aspect is important. I'm a very deep feeler. Definitely a cross between poet warrior and adhd with an IQ of 136. So, how do I avoid making the classic mistakes?
You are brilliant in every way this is my life with my dumper fiance of two and a half years only differences based on your stories that your verbally saying I'm the woman and he is the man.
Wow brother, this is so accurate. I draw my own nuance conclusions by weighing and working through different viewpoints, however while keeping sovereignty I will not take on additional work for myself if I am given something so spot on.
IDK about warrior, but I'm definitely a poet. Me...all those amazing things? I find it hard to comprehend. I especially like your advice at the end. BE that idealized hero. Well, shit, Coach. I'll try.
My recent ex is diagnosed as a bpd. In therapy. No rage, no crazy, no insecurity manifests, no game playing. Always so sweet and playful with me? Even after 20 months. She just gently dumped me out of nowhere after a great week. I’m so confused
Being a Calculator commander type, my ex was extremely drawn to my work ethic and my success in my career and then later down the road four years it was my career that made me lose her and she always complained she always felt second to my job, but in reality, I put her first over everything. And my career paid for all the adventures she loved… now being the calculator type I can’t stop over analyzing everything
Similar thing happene with me. I changed my work schedule to appease her. Did everything to appease her but it was never enough. The goal posts always change. Chaos generator. I could see her mind creating chaos whenever peace occured...nothing good lasted. It was heart and mind breaking. Still is
@@mrfake675 yup they are addicted to chaos and drama. I have now learned do what I enjoy and woman see me being happy and are more drawn to me as they watch me from afar and put themselves in my orbit
@@mrfake675your comment describes my circumstances, mine used to say we need a DNA test were so alike, I love you so much your so handsome yet within the hour she would say there's something going on your lying to me. I've been around a long time I've experienced a lot of women but this one was the most toxic female I have ever encountered. 6 days ago she threw one of her tantrums and said I'm not doing this anymore for about the hundredth time in two years. This time I Agreed I had made my mind up over the last few months this was the final straw. She said I'm blocking you I said ditto, I would be a liar if I said I don't miss her but in reality I hope I never set eyes on her again. She said from the beginning ( you will hand me back) mission accomplished!!! 🤙
Me too. I’ve been in an off and on relationship with one. It’s over now and this explains it. It’s the closure I needed. I guess they are right when they say sometimes loves not enough 😢
Oh my god. Im learning about bpd, BINGING content and resonating with so much of it 😢 and when you said "he must not be as great as i thought he was if he wants to be with me. What kind of broken man wants to be with me?" My jaw literally dropped. I thought this exact thing about my ex husband. 😭😭
Yup that kind of thought process as someone with BPD is why I’ve never been in a romantic relationship and have pushed away friends for years whether it be because I actually wanted to analyze and fix the issue that we had and they were the conflict avoidance type or I was just trying to avoid eventually being abandoned by them.
Why is it that first it was me who didn’t want her and she tried so so so hard to get me.then when she got me she wants to act up and forget all the plans.she can’t do happily ever after.always wanting the initial hit of dopemine.that’s so messed up.not true love at all
Would it be a good or bad idea to send this video to my ex-gf with newly diagnosed BPD? I am definitely in the “poet warrior” and “calculator” groups (natural protector, musician, engineer, and some ADHD). She has broken up with me twice after a couple months, each time out of the blue right after us being so in love and her telling and showing how much she loves me and planning the future. She only recently has been semi diagnosed with BPD, was diagnosed with bi-polar previously (a common misdiagnosis), so she is also dealing with new meds and hopefully actually starting new therapy.
If they're in love with the perfect person and they believe they're broken themselves then the perfect person can't be in love wirh them. Because the perfect person is too strong, too high value, too intelligent and too insightful to want to be with somebody as broken as them ~ sure says it all. With that core belief the bpd carries, they're right in their assessment and any type of healthy relationship is therefore doomed.
Hey there, I really like your videos for the most part, but I wanted to point something out that I've seen in a few and it disturbs me deep down. I suffer from BPD, and recently came out of a four year on-and-off again relationship with a person who had avoidant attachment. And whenever my BPD symptoms would create an issue in the relationship, I deeply wanted to change that behavior and ended up getting therapy and doubling down hard to work on fixing my issues and my trauma. I genuinely loved this girl with all my heart and soul and sincerely wanted us to be together forever. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I never, not once, ever felt disgusted or disappointed in her that she would ever love someone like me. I was always shocked by her love, surprised by it, and often questioned her as to why she would see so much in me when I felt so broken. But that never, ever meant I was disgusted that she COULD love someone like me... When we began to talk about the future...or when she forgave me for my BPD "splits" (which often led to breakups, but the love and friendship was so strong we usually tried to repair and reconnect), I never thought less of her for this. :( I watched a video the other day in which you spoke of your previous partner who had BPD and treated you this way, and I am so, deeply sorry, that anyone ever treated you so poorly as to think you were pathetic or disgusting for doing your best to tolerate and endure their behavior. You never deserved that. No one ever does. I want to reassure you, and others out there though, that there are people for whom BPD is something that happened to them as a result of deep traumas...and who absolutely, genuinely, don't want to have BPD and will do anything to repair themselves and be good people. I could never imagine thinking or saying something so awful like that to a partner I love. Please, please...don't encourage people to think that most BPD people will look down on them for forgiving their behavior or enduring it. Please...don't scare people into believing that we are disgusted by the ones we love for being kind hearted towards us. Perhaps some people with BPD do, but that certainly hasn't been my experience and hasn't been the case for some other BPD people I've dated too. We are afraid of abandonment. We love hard. We feel everything amplified. When we say how much we love you, in almost all cases we genuinely and sincerely do love you that much. When we split on you and feel like we cant trust you or we're enraged its because we sincerely fear that you've betrayed our hearts and are going to hurt us, only to later realize it was paranoia. And that leaves us with enormous remorse over the things we thought were true when we were in the depths of a spiral. We are not monsters. ;; If your BPD partner is treating you horribly yes absolutely you should set boundaries and if those don't work, leave. But please don't think we all think you're disgusting for your love for us. No. It may depend on the person, but we aren't all like that. I promise. My ex watched a number of BPD videos and some of them scared her half to death and destroyed her hope for our future. But I saw a statistic that said 99% of all people who stick with treatment in therapy for BPD go into remission. 99 percent. This is not a hopeless condition. If you want to change, and you commit to it with all your heart and soul, you can. You absolutely can. I lost the love of my life because online "advice" told her to run run run because my love was "fake". It wasn't fake. And I'll be missing her for the rest of my life because the internet told her I was dangerous. Even though I was always, always, fixing everything that ever caused a problem and actively sought therapy that would challenge me and not enable me. My heart was always hers. Some of us really, genuinely, absolutely, love our partners with everything we have. And it isnt because of power or dominance...not for me. For me, I fall for a kind heart. Kindness and a gentle nature. And she had that. I'll miss her so much. I think I'm a poet type and I myself deeply expressed my passionate love for her. I do agree I always thought she was too good to be true though and that I could lose her easily if someone better came along. But i never lost attraction to her for expressing she wanted to be with me. I just wanted to add that. I love what you do here. I just dont want people to be afraid that we are all the same. ;; There is hope for BPD people. If they want to be better and commit to therapy that challenges their core and are prepared to face themselves, they absolutely can heal and recover. Please don't lose hope for BPD people...
I was great friends with someone who has BPD, went to therapy regularly, and seemed to want to truly change, decided to ditch me and abandon me anyway. A majority don’t want to change and can even relapse and go back to Square 1. It’s a sad but true reality. I respect everyone who goes the thru the trouble and pain to recover to a stable place for them but honestly if people need to leave a person with BPD, they shouldn’t be guilted into not leaving as with anyone even without BPD. I see so many posts online about not leaving BPD and excusing more and more stuff til it’s very toxic. I have trauma and can’t constantly deal with their traumas, I feel a deep pain for them but I just can’t help them. BPD people as anyone should focus on themself first, if your not taking care of yourself, you can’t take care of others. Not everyone is going to like us in life and to accept that sooner will help all.
I wish there were more videos about bpd men, geared towards women. There really aren’t. We now know there’s just as many men as women who are afflicted with bpd. I have dated two men with bpd. I’m a sensitive artist with adhd on the autism spectrum (diagnosed). High drive and action oriented. Pretty intelligent. Both of these men split on me and in the end accused me of being a narcissist. I also had a best friend with bpd and she would call everyone a narcissist. They get hurt so easily by everything and their delusional thinking convinces them you are actually doing a bunch of nefarious things. Everyone they know is a supposed narcissist.
@gothicdolly1756 @CoachKen Yes, mine love bombed me for 3 months. We connected on every level. He wanted to get married, spoke of moving in together, couldn't wait for me to change my last name. Called me the love of his life... "I wish I met you 30 years ago!". Wanted to spend all his time with me, which I loved. Met all his kids. Highly empathic and an amazing communicator for a guy. Like you, I actually told him I felt like I won the lottery in boyfriends. And when I was finally all in, everything changed. When he broke up with me, he said he couldn't love me the way I need and deserve and that it was because of his childhood and past TWO divorces that he couldn't change (unfixable) and that he felt guilty for his shortcomings. And then he started dating immediately and has rebounded. I still have hope; we both need healing as I have typically been codependent because of a bad divorce too. We both have abandonement issues. I am trying to heal mine while he numbs his pain relationship hopping.
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I’m definitely going to give you a call, but I do have one question. Would it be harmful to show my borderline partner this video?
So in no contact, when is it a good time to try and recommend clinical help? Or even suggest we get help together?
@@jetpak47 not useful to show them what you are doing , they will take you for granted . imho I got coaching call and that helped me.
So my borderline just reached back...wtf do it do?
Can you please do some videos on why bpd men COMMIT to long term marriages/ relationships to covert narcissistic women when they discard everyone else? Thanks.
The amount of pain a person with BPD can cause to a non is unreal. Trust me, if they have the disorder don’t walk away, run. I went from “you’re perfect in my eyes & her soulmate” to “I don’t feel that way about you anymore, we’ll never be together” for the most minor reason. She left me for her ‘abusive’ ex too which made it worse.
I understand that reaction - Hell, I even shared it for years. In most cases I still believe its the right reaction - but there are people with BPD who take responsibility for their pain and learn how to break that generational curse. Most don't - a few do.
As soon as a girl tells me her ex was a narcissist or abusive or something like that I immediately start to wonder if it was her that was the problem... It's happened several times now, yep 4 women with BPD in a row 🤦🏻♂️.
@timbob1145 You're not alone, mate. I had 3 in a row. The most recent one turned from love of my life to pure hatred overnight and then told me she felt nothing and left me 6 weeks pregnant. She's currently on the other side of the country, making her final decision about an abortion and treating me like she's never even met me. The pain and loss I feel is beyond explanation, but like most of us, I still love her. She's fully discarded me, so I'm not expecting her back, but just today, I've completely resolved myself to never taking her back if she does change her mind. The cruelty is next level, and I definitely deserve better. It's time to work on myself and make sure I resolve my internal stuff so this doesn't happen again. My heart goes out to all of you dealing with this type of abuse, and just remember - it's not about you. Stand up for yourselves and do your own work!! Peace 🙏
@@infinitepotential8228 I can't imagine how you feel, with the potential parenthood involved... Sorry to hear mate. I guess the only positive you can take is that if she's irresponsible enough to do this at this time, perhaps it wasn't such a great idea for her to be the mother of your kids. Think that's what I'd have to keep telling myself in your position anyway. I'm lucky things went south fairly early with the last girl for me, as soon as I showed I wasn't gonna just mindlessly say yes to her basically. Good luck on your healing and growth and I'm sure you'll find someone more stable and reliable.
May I ask, who initiated your relationship? Was it you or her? Every time I've ended up with a girl with BPD they have been the ones to approach me.
@timbob1145 Spot on. She initiated it. All 3 of the BPD women have in some form or another. I'm told I make women feel warm and safe and I've got a very friendly face.... so I'm assuming that translates to BPD woman fairly strongly.
Mine left because I basically shrunk into my shell and stopped confronting her. She said she didn't know who I was anymore, and to be honest, I didn't either. I just wanted to avoid the drama. But those moments when she softens are like a drug. I'd stay with her for the next hit..... I guess that says something about me. The final straw was when I stood up to her but probably went overboard from all the pent up frustration. She didn't like what I said and walked out. You're right, though, better now than later.
The ADHD/BPD part of this video was ridiculously spot on.
Thanks Dan! Much appreciate
Same and re listening because it is crazy! 😳
@@CoachKen i assume this is the same for bipolar?
Yupp. Thanks for the empowerment
Confession. I am an engineer. Very structured and a bit of a perfectionist. Dated a single mom that had what I eventually concluded to be BPD with ADHD.
Everything was great as long as we dated without a real commitment. She begged for more. After a few months of begging, I decided to give it a shot.
As soon as I told her I wanted to enter into a serious relationship, things got incredibly strange. I repeat INCREDIBLY strange!!
Put me into “analysis paralysis”. Screwed my head up for a while until I researched it enough to understand BPD and took a few steps away.
We still are in infrequent contact and it still confuses the hell out of me. Nothing is ever as it seems.
Proceed with caution.
Spot on!! Thanks for making this video. That’s exactly what happened. He even used the term “wishful thinking” about being with me. He idealized me but the closer we got to being committed and moving forward the more he pulled back and stopped caring. He saw it as a weakness that I was kind and patient.
It even made me think that me being kind and patient was only me being weak and desperate... It really messes with your head eh. It takes some serious strength to fight off what's being projected on you. I seem to absorb and feel what they are feeling, it's only after some how managing to have 4 'relationships' with women with BPD, yes 4 🤦🏻♂️, that I'm learning how to keep their thoughts out of my head. However, I will say that the last discard has some how made me stronger than ever before. I think in some way I needed it to force me to dig a bit deeper into introspection and really get in touch with who I am and what my motivations are, but more importantly showed me where I was neglecting myself and how actually not looking after myself properly.
The universe works in mysterious ways eh.
I hope you came out realising you're a good woman and definitely have a lot to offer a good partner, can be with another imperfect person and grow together as individuals and as more.
@@timbob1145 thank you so much for your kindness. I’ve had two emotionally/psychologically abusive relationships back to back. One was for 9 years and we were married. Second was only 4-5 months but almost hurt worse than the marriage because of how crazy up and down he was and how quickly he discarded me. My first ex that abused me , it was a long time and took a while for me to “wake up” and see what was happening. You’re right - we can get way too into what they are thinking and feeling, almost a self sacrifice, in order to make things worse. I had a difficult time believing that he could be using me (after my ex husband I thought how could anyone be any worse??) There are just some really really selfish folks walking this planet. Taking care of ourselves is so important and I truly vow to run at the first red flag instead of giving the benefit of the doubt.
@@ocheerup1324 ha no thanks needed, just saying what sounds like the truth and you gave me an opportunity to splurge some of my thoughts at someone 😂 so thanks for the therapy I guess 😂. Good luck with the next one, remember that you are worth them making an effort for. 👍
Yeah, i'm experiencing this. i've been seeing a woman who says she has borderline personality disorder. We seem to hit off, but now as we continue to get closer, i mean it seems to be turning into a real relationship and not just 2 people seeing each other. Now, she's pulling away, it takes her 3 days to return my texts. So, i don't know if it will ever be a real relationship or if she'll run away at the last minute
This sounds like the opposite of needin reassurance which is what I hear about people with BPD. How can they want someone unobtainable yet need constant reassurance?
This is fascinating watching you explain myself to me as a woman with BPD. Thanks for understanding where it comes from & being nice about it. Wish I had not read the comments but I understand. Just so y'all know it's hard to work on something when you don't understand it yourself. Regarding getting help: I sought help for severe anxiety & the doctor never told me he diagnosed me with BPD. I found out about the diagnosis in court! At first I was heated. I told the judge "there is nothing wrong with my personality, I would give anyone the shirt off my back". 😂 Even after that the doctor did not explain BPD. I found out what my diagnosis meant and how to work on it through research & people like yourself. So thank you for that & the help you provide for significant others. Spot on! Keep it up! Subscribed! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ @CoachKen
i have severe bpd and when someone likes me, it's never that all of a sudden they're unworthy or not as good or lose their appeal. instead, it seems like a fairy tale that someone is actually making me happy and so there must be something going on like ulterior motives or heartbreak in the future that's just unforseen. nothing good is real and nothing tangible and real is ever truly good, and anything that looks like it is a lie. we wind up getting angry with and becoming distrustful of who we like because, in a borderline's eyes, anyone who has the ability to hurt you tremendously, will at some point.
sounds like your form of delusional control
Thousands of dollars of counseling didn’t shed this much light on what went wrong and why I was so attracted to her.. I am seriously stunned right now man.. I don’t even know what to say. I very well might be reaching out for a couple private sessions.
I'll look forward to it - thanks Jason
Men have bpd too folks! I am the woman poet musician warrior go getter and I gave all the life and love and blood sweat and tears I had to a man I highly suspect has Bpd even tho he's not formerly been diagnosed. He shows all the signs.. and I mean all like all of them! The identity crisis the suicide threats etc etc.... I stood by him fought for him for 3 long years bc I know he loves me and I tried to prove myself to him, took all the slings and arrows and he would just gaslight me devalue me and be literally the only one in my life that I would fight with. Non of my previous relationships, pail in comparison to this because at least those people were consistent! Loving someone and being in a relationship with someone with bpd is like constantly trying to hit a moving target. It's painful and I'm ready to walk away and stop sustaining battle scars... Thank you Coach Ken. Much love❤🙏🏼
Same, just started gealing from mine. Thanks for sharing your side of the story. ❤
Sorry for all you went through. There are definite gender biases with relationship issues and counseling. This is not really related to your point, but I found that no matter how toxic my wife's behavior was, even when she recounted it to the marriage counsellor, his approach was "she's mad at you about something, and we need to figure out what it is." Even though her attacks were all over the place. If a man is frequently yelling toxic attacks to his wife over everyday interactions, no counsellor would say to the wife "What did you do to make him so mad? We'll have to figure that out."
Where do we find women like you 😅
"Constantly trying to hit a moving target" Great Analogy"
Yes, I too am the female poet warrior hun!. My ex male bpd of 6yrs on & off was literally like living with a 5yr old boy in a big strong man's body. Terrifying when he got angry because I couldn't put up with insane word salad of denial on pretty much everything. Worst relationship ever. Never get involved with a bpd, they will fuck up your life in ways you could never imagine.
To me, this is the best Coach Ken video. It's hard to describe how much this guy is helping me right now. He have the ability to communicate psychological things like no one else. Thanks for your work, coach!
My bpd ex was my zen master. Her insanity help prepare me for the current mentally ill state of the world. Wish I never met her, but I'm thankful for the life lessons and flaws it exposed within.
Oh do you think my bf thinks the same
@@zofinkaa7178 that's between him and God.
The quicker he realizes you're not God the quicker he can put things in order
@@mrfake675 oh:(
Your last sentence indicates immense healing. It took me about 5 years to be grateful to my borderline for the “experience” in a way to seek my own therapy and heal myself and my own childhood wounds. It’s life changing.
The warrior poet part really hit me. I’m a former military helicopter pilot, former police officer, musician and small business owner and I responded to my wife’s borderline personality disorder EXACTLY like you said. It was like you were reading a transcript of my brain in my early years of marriage. Powerful stuff man.
Seriously. After a 2 year relationship of not knowing why she was the way she was - hearing the description of BPD was like a fly on the wall recounting my whole relationship.
@@skyWalk02470 Its tough man, especially if you are actually trying hard to invest in the relationship. It’s like nothing works and it only gets worse the harder you try. It’s literally a lose -lose situation and people outside the relationship have a very hard time understanding what’s going on.
@@skyWalk02470 Spot on response.
How could they want someone unobtainable if they need constant reassurance?
I never comment on RUclips, and I've watched hundreds of videos on BPD, trying to understand, and this one is the most personal, easiest to relate to clips I've ever seen. It's too late with my BPD girlfriend - she's discarded and disappeared, but she's not the first BPD woman that has seen me coming. Thank you for your help 👍🏼
Very kind of you to say - Thank you Infinite!
So insightful. Hit the nail on the head with my ADHD and her BPD. Thank you for making this video, and reminding me of all the strengths I have that attracted her in the first place. It substantially eased the pain for the time being. I refuse to believe our love wasn’t genuine, & that she won’t seek help and come back to me. Thanks again Coach Ken, great work.
Your videos are like solving for x. “Ah-ha” moments and explanations for situations that make zero sense (especially for me, the calculated mentality). You hit the nail on the head in all these videos. I love what you said about how BPDs want the fairytale life but not knowing how to live it out. They’re walking contradictions. My diagnosed BPD ex went to therapy a few times and claimed to be “all fixed now.” Of course he went back to his BPD ways. Anyway, thanks Coach Ken. These videos are getting me through!
Thanks so much for the kind words - apologies for not catching this earlier!
Absolutely nailed this. I’m ADHD and she was/is by far undiagnosed BPD. By far. This video could not have been more accurate and true to my experience w/this woman, soup to nuts.
Thanks Juma!
could u share some experience?
I’m attracted to bpd men because they’re emotionally sensitive. It’s a nice change from the average man who is distant and sort of uncaring. They also actually want you around all the time, which is also nice because most guys seem annoyed by their woman and rather hang with the dudes. It also feels great to have a man actually want to commit and mary you. You feel like you hit the jackpot. You feel like the luckiest woman in the world.
But it doesn’t last. Once they split on you, there’s almost no coming back from that.
Yessssss. It broke me down.
There are plenty of emotionally sensitive men in the world that don't have BPD.
@gothicdolly1756 @CoachKen Yes, mine love bombed me for 3 months. We connected on every level. He wanted to get married, spoke of moving in together, couldn't wait for me to change my last name. Called me the love of his life... "I wish I met you 30 years ago!". Wanted to spend all his time with me, which I loved. Met all his kids. Highly empathic and an amazing communicator for a guy. Like you, I actually told him I felt like I won the lottery in boyfriends. And when I was finally all in, everything changed. When he broke up with me, he said he couldn't love me the way I need and deserve and that it was because of his childhood and past TWO divorces that he couldn't change (unfixable) and that he felt guilty for his shortcomings. And then he started dating immediately and has rebounded. I still have hope; we both need healing as I have typically been codependent because of a bad divorce too. We both have abandonement issues. I am trying to heal mine while he numbs his pain relationship hopping.
Each person and situation is so different. Yours sounds unusual.
24:35 the man they are attracted to sounds like me omg scary realization also i'd say I have ADHD. Being this way especially during a break up can be very intense for me and tough for example right now and i'm always trying to perfect things in my head about the past and trying to still to this day explain to myself why just why did it have to go like that and so suddenly out of no where?? sadly BPD is a huge factor in this as she has it ,and I knew I was helping her get into the right place while we were together and now I'm just hearing that she's gone down hill :/ I wish I could still be there to help her...
love the helpful bpd mentor video as per usual KEN!
Thanks to your comment I feel less alone. I also have ADHD and been through a relationship with a borderline person. The rejection sensitivity that we have surely gets triggered like never before :O
Are you a Pisces lol ? Because I am and I think like that too and other Pisces I’ve met we all get along . It’s weird.
Extremely helpful video. I’ve been in agony for over a month and the parallels here are incredible. It helps to accept what has happened.
Thanks Christian! Understanding doesn't take away all the anxiety but it does help take some of the edge off and ease that sense of being overwhelmed just a bit
That video was a 10 Coach Ken. It fit my situation like a glove. You explained it in a way I can't deny. Thanks. I will save this video for myself
I been laughing throughout!! The video !! Everything he said .. is me and everything else is her! Is literally listening my story!!! How weird !!! Thank you for the video. You definitely know what you talking about.
Thanks Ameer!
Nailed it again Ken, you know what you’re talking about and put it all so succinctly. It’s empowering to hear someone read your own story back to you and lay it all out so well. 👏🏻
I had strong sense of self but not conceit. I walked on egg shells to not stir her out of her belief. She didn't know who she was. Said she settled for me because she thought I was her perfect match. We were distant lovers so that's why she chased me the way she did. You hit it on the nail. She was dealing with mommy and daddy issues, that's where the bpd comes from. This is spot on man..I can go on and on this is crazy...I wish I knew before hand, didn't know people had all this shit going on. I was the poet lmao the rap artist and fashion. She is a fashion person herself so she thought we was meant.
Her mother was a head leader on a religion so she always had these expectations on her that she also put on herself. Damn this makes sense.
I'm the poet/calculator warrior, she crushed me man never had my heart broken before. It sucks
She had soooo many insecurities man this girl did not love herself but she was so beautiful and awesome just had anger issues...fuck , you spot on man. She always said when things got really tough, that, "well go find someone who's better for you" I should have took heed.
Explains the tattoos and one big one she got after leaving me
Thank you for the is information. I’ve been married to an undiagnosed BPD for 14 years. This whole time they assumed it was autism and anxiety but this video wow. I’m in tears. I’m all the subcategories of this. I have a son with this man and although he’s now in therapy and willing to work on himself it’s definitely left me a mess. I’m picking up the pieces of who I use to be and hoping that my future is better than my past. My mother too is an undiagnosed BPD so I can see why I was attracted to this type of man trying to relive my childhood trauma.
So sorry you've been living through that from one to another in terms of a parent then a spouse. It makes sense but it's painful to spend that long thinking it must be you in some way
@@CoachKenthank you for your response. Dissociating helped me to endure all of it. Now I’m trying to learn how to not do that.
This guy knows what he is talking about . Long live our hero
Bro, just finished a 3 year relationship with a BPD lawyer. I’m a poet warrior and she’s with a new rebound engineer. Your videos are spot on!!
whoa Jeffy
Exactly the same here. She was a lawyer and in the beginning was wonderful. Then I found out she was changing men all the time. I suffered for 5 months like crazy. Now I'm better, even though I still think about her. No contact all the way. I begged too much. And every time, she started a new 'relayionship' with a new guy :)
Wow I’ve watched so many of your videos on BPD and yet you always manage to teach me some new critical things each time. Brilliant as ever. Love the “that anxiety has to go somewhere”line that’s a great way of understanding their mindset. 👏
17:35 - "It's too late, because that isn't what caused the break up in the first place" ... man you dont understand how much peace that statement brought to me.
the reasons she gave for breaking up with me made no sense, but the more i thought and analyzed everything, i started to think maybe she is right about all the reasons she said for breaking up. I then started beating myself up and blaming myself for many things that didn't even make sense!
I thought to myself a few times, maybe the reasons she gave me weren't even real and the reasons were really just her BPD giving her random things to devalue me for....
Thanks brother
It is ridiculous how accurate the description of the bpd situation is!! Exactly my situation
6 months later I just started to consider myself healed from this insanity…
This is the video that finally has crystallized my perspective with my BPD Ex. I can't thank you enough Coach K. Felt like you were speaking directly to me.
Hi Ken, I once dated a guy with PTSD, and unfortunately, it didn't last too long. He told me all about himself and gave me warnings about things he may do or say. After about 2 months of dating, he stopped calling me. I wasn't in love with him, but I tried to help him. He would get super quiet, then come out with an outburst. Thank God we were in his car. Things like this happened a lot, and I know he was in Therapy. I wished him the best of luck, and it ended peacefully.
Grateful for the peaceful end
Ken thank you for the clarity. You're an an exceptional mind and you're saving men's lives doing the most high's work.
He’s so good as always and that smooth voice
Hale YEAH 👏
There is so much clarity with your videos. Thank you for everything you do it helps a lot.
Thanks
You absolutely nailed this
I can’t wait man!
Insanely sound and on the point.
Holy shit! You got this covered! Damn!
THANK YOU. The last 12 months of my life actually make sense now.
Thank you for this video. You exactly described a previous relationship I had and this helped me a lot to understand it better. I would love to give you a double like or triple like if that would be possible.
Omg, this was my relationship with my ex to a T! Everything you said about her is what i lived through and who she left me for! God this is crazy accurate.
Sorry you're going through it - let me know if you ever want to connect @ dotheyloveme.com - stay strong! I know it can feel brutal at times
@@CoachKen thank you very much! Quitting drinking was easier than this 🤣
Hot damn, I've been with several women with BPD - and this video was incredibly confronting. Cheers for the insight Ken, I can tell you're a warrior poet yourself - you articulated all of this very well indeed.
Best BPD coach I heard so far
Ken, of all of the male BPD experts out there, you make the most sense. You make it so real because you get it.
Dr. Fox does a good job.
Thank you for your video. Since Aug 23 he breaks up with me almost every month. I don't believe he realizes he's BPD. I think this may be the final discard. Really hurts as I know he deserves so much love. I can only focus on myself and heal. 😢
Bro you just saved my sanity!!!! I feel healed...I knew all these things but couldn't make confirmation of it. Damn....I hope I can watch this with her.
Amazing video Ken, thanks. Incredibly illuminating.
Your videos on borderline helped so much!!
Thank you Dallas!
It's like being put on a pedestal and then having it pulled out from under u over and over i need bettering myself to get back on my pedestal and when I do he pulls it away. GUESS WHAT. I LEARNED TO FLY
What a great fella and an amazing video. I’m in a good place now but I did get idealised and suddenly dropped by a women and never understood why. This explains everything
wow ive never heard this breaking down so accurately, im a female and had 5 yrs relationship with a female who is diagnosed bpd, and also had other short lived experience with an also diagnosed woman with bpd. My iq is above average, im highly sensitive, and artistic, and have a warrior mindset. I keep falling for them, because of their philosophical, sensitive and intelligent appearance, I see their wound, and that is just making me idolise them even more, in my relationship I tried to conquer my ex every day as if we would have just met.
In my latest experience when a split happened I basically did the same what was told in this video, pretty much wrote a love letter in the discard texts for the mentioned reasons... it was a torture so in the end I kept it a bit fun still humiliated myself saying if she is really wants to block me, then she can be my crush from now. with a blinking emoji...
I have rejection sensitivity, and I usually avoid conflict, (I have a lot of avoidant pd traits, not all) but sometimes devaluation and break up is just inevitable as they basically just setting you up for fight and failure when they are triggered by life events and on top of that you are too close as well.
I'm the third character. The analytical one. I never was the narcissist nor agreeing to proclaim undying love. But when discarded ( after the first month of honeymoon with myself and loving the freedom from the rollercoaster mind f@k) and by the way you're very very good at what you do because that's exactly what he said to me when splitting on me that he shouldn't have to tell me when he needs comforting, basically I was supposed to mind read and on most occasions I did, but the moment I failed to do so, boom, I became untrustworthy. Jeez, how did I even put up with this nonsense for 6 months?! But anyway , being the third character in this crazy saga, I started revisiting and overanalying everything, maybe I was not reassuring enough, maybe i was too focused on my job, maybe I should reach out and apologize blablabla... It took a full year from the break up to finally end the mind processing and come to a clear, peaceful and grounded understanding of it all.
What the unbelievably confusing situation it is. But I'm in there.... Scary place. Thx Coach for yesterday talking, i'm a poet Warrior:) I have always thinked it is a good thing, but now I beleive it's a curse....
I would save money to do a coaching session with you because you spotted and explained everything in a professional way and I can tell the difference from you as a certified coach than someone just had experience and do coaching.
Thanks for the kind words Ngoc! If I can ever be os any use let me know - dotheyloveme.com/
This is the truest analysis I've watched
15 minutes in it made good sense. Only small suggestion is to up the volume upload by one or two points? Maybe it is just my ears. But worth it to look into 😊. Thanks Ken
Thanks Katie
Volume is just fine 😊
volume was quiet for me as well, so brilliant information though
Very insightful and helpful why the break up with my ex feels so awful. Definitely helps me understand the dynamics and what's going on with my emotions. Thank you
Glad it was helpful - Thanks Greg!
yes for me she always told me "ur pressuring me" " u love me too much unconditionally. and I can't understand and you're more real than me' and i don't feel the same way", might i say this is after she was telling me i was a real man and that i am a very considerate and emotionally intelligent person ! suddenly I became no one to her! i didn't even hurt her I did nothing and she recognized this and when i confronted her she said simply said "well things change 🙊" its like she can't do anything to stop it, like its beyond her control. Seeing that this special person that you love deeply is treating you with total Disregard and indifference, is the most hurtful thing anyone can do to you. It literally feels like someone wrote your worst nightmare and played it in front of you.
Thank you for that last part 😢
Wow this hits the nail on the head in EVERYTHING you say in this video. Wish I had come across this a year ago, it ties together everything I've experienced and studied, I want to keep listening as it is consoling and gives me hope in myself, and a reality check.
She ran towards me from the get go, and overidealised me. I felt overwhelmed and that I couldn't live up to her expectations of wanting a child, so always kept her at arms length. I'm above average intelligent, looks, and emotionally sensitive, I do stand out, but haven't felt I fit in with society -something we both share. We created our own world and grew close during the lockdowns.
I had had a son taken away for years from a different woman, but had started fathering him again. I felt purpose driven and on my path. Then my son again got held away, and my pain started overtaking.
My ex who hadn't secured a commitment left with a young rebellious superman. I had an emotional breakdown, first my son then her. A woman seeing me in pain told me to go confess my feelings towards her, misunderstanding the situation that she had left because I didn't commit, that didn't work.
I then started studying everything I could from pickups, to breakups and relationships.
I've been heartbroken for over a year.
She came back briefly after her charmboy showed his flaws, but soon left thereafter to be with other guys since she found me in an emotional state ready to commit.
Over the year she has kept reaching out, I know she likes and cares for me, but I now believe my availability to be there for her has been offputting, I must retreat, and stop offering myself. Hard, but I need to rediscover who I was and how I felt in my superpower when everything was on track. Deep breath.
Your description of borderline and the characters they are attracted to makes a lot of sense. It is helping me find inspiration to do the things I loved doing back then. Understanding how they and I function helps in developing realistic expectations. I hope I can build on this inspiration and get back on track. This morning everything felt meaningless, and I felt gloomy and suicidal, now I'm realising a future, and the inspiration is coming back.
Thank you so very much for what you do and your precious insight.
God bless.
wow, this perfectly explained my last relationship... Although I have some narcissistic traits, I don't think I actually have NPD, because after about 8 months she completely captured my heart and then left me randomly
It's crazy how some parts of the video described perfectly what happened in my relationship
im the poetic warrior mindset that u talked about... wow u helped bring a lot of clarity
You cannot change a borderline. Unless they get a significant amount of treatment I’m talking years of it and usually the majority of those cases end up failing anyways. To be fair it takes two to tango and usually the non BPD partner is a codependent because most healthy people would walk away and the first signs of red flags .A narcissistic or a masochistic person can make it work a little longer .
Honestly depends. BPD is not a black and white disorder. I have it. I'm on a spectrum. I can function fine in work relationships, but I tend to go with emotionally avoidant/ immature guys who trigger that aspect greatly. When I'm with secure individuals, it is still there, but I'm reassured in my position and thrive better. Depends on the person.
Bruh…i wish people would stop talking if they didn’t know what they were on about. BPD is one of the easier personality disorders to treat in terms of being able to provide recovery or manage it. Research has shown that in most cases people go into remission within 1-2 years of treatment, can we stop talking about people with BPD as thought they are a lost cause? Thanks.
wow!.........incredible video! by BPD pregnant of 8 months girlfriend just ran off a week ago and told me today to stay away from here! its been three months of a crazy roller coaster ride! what you made a lot of sense to me!👍🏾👍🏾thanks!
Wow. Such a dense stream or words that explained this dynamic very clearly. I had a 20 year marriage, a 2 week relationship, and a 4 month relationship, with large gaps in between. I need to know why I keep finding emotionally dysregulated women. Even though each woman was very different, Ken was spot on describing their common traits. I feel things very deeply and want a close relationship. Maybe it's from the Ms. magazines I read as a teenager, that portrayed women as often mistreated and men as the bad guys, programming me to think that a man has to be amazing and to have unending empathy for a woman. Women must spot that. When I think of all three of my recent relationships, they tested me right away to see that I was willing to focus on their needs. It got crazy shortly after, with outsized emotions over imagined things, and I spend so much time thinking about what I could do better or how I could reason with them. One clear sign that it isn't you is when they won't talk about what actually happened, but deflect and attack from random directions. Why am I so familiar with this very confusing behavior, while other people have never experienced it? I've learned to not accept toxic behavior, but I need to attract a different type of woman. This video explained things in a way I haven't heard before, and I hope can help me with that.
This hits home Ken, I feel it's like about me and my ex... Good and informative video as usual. The amount of knowledge you have is something to look up to!
So true. I think I am quite bpd. The switch happens for me once they want to be with me, or shortly after. I wake up and suddenly feel nothing, even repulsed. But the loss of attraction isn’t because I feel like “how could they be attracted to me when I’m so broken”, it’s just an automatic loss of attraction once I see them as too real/vulnerable. It feels kinda like an invasive feeling. It’s uncomfortable and attraction disappears. I wish I wasn’t like this. I am very hesitant to ever enter another relationship due to this because I can’t predict if it will happen again. The only times it doesn’t happen is if the guy is avoidant. But then it makes me internally crazy, so that doesn’t work either. I still feel soooo bad for ghosting my first boyfriend as a teenager.
To add… i feel really bad for any person on the receiving end. I can only say to avoid bpd person unless they are healing and self aware and take others hearts as seriously as they take their own needs. A lot of bpd people will say “but we deserve love too”. Yes, but if we’re unhealed and unsure if we’ll end up switching and inflicting pain, it’s selfish.
I love this - well written and important to share with others
"how could they be attracted to me when I’m so broken?" This part is usually a subconscious reaction. Consciously it's pretty much the opposite. The person with BPD will usually feel stronger about themselves even if they feel some anxiety over the loss of attraction for the other person. They many times even feel energized or optimistic about the future of the next stage or chapter of life once they move on from the person they're splitting from.
@@CoachKen this makes sense. Thanks for explaining.. Yes, I definitely feel optimistic and energised. Refreshed and new afterwards. You are so correct about bpd relationship functioning in the delicate balance between abandonment and engulfment. To be in the space in between the two can feel like the conflicting needs are harmonised somewhat: control/letting go, safety/excitement, space/closeness, freedom/holding, continuity/novelty. And I guess each person’s balance is a little different (eg fear engulfment is stronger than fear of abandonment or vice versa), which impacts the balancing of the opposing needs mentioned above. Your videos are helpful. Thanks.
Hello coach I keep repeating this video so much it calms my nerves when everything gets chaotic after losing my relationship which I think she was bod thank you for this if you have any more advice please share and for everyone going through this I feel for you and I hope you heal and get past this and become whole again
This is a big help. I'm on the bpd spectrum and autistic and my man of 17 years is the calculator type. He won't give up on me. And now that I'm able to see myself better and desperately trying to be a better person, I'm thankful for such insights so i can work on not hurting him and my dbt class is really sticking this time. I love him and the kids so much, but I know I'm a terror.
That's amazing. Your ability to look at yourself clearly, even if it's after the fact, is impressive. I respect and encourage your self awareness and honesty. Best of luck to you all.
No matter how odd the situation was with my soon to be ex wife, she would never take any responsibility for it. When the family was individually choosing leftovers for dinner out of the fridge, for the kids that were still undecided I pointed out that we had something that they liked. She got up from the table and said "I'll put this back." I was puzzled for a second and then said "I'm not telling you what to eat." She raised her voice and launched into attacks about how my family is so uptight about food and I was always focusing on eating healthy, and I saw her at the fridge and so I knew she had seen the mac and cheese with pork. When I said that I was telling the kids who were still wandering the kitchen, and I wouldn't suggest she switch out a salad for mac and cheese pork if I was focusing on health. She launched into more personal attacks, claiming things I had said years ago. In general, I ate a little healthier than her, but this really came out of nowhere and was never an issue before or after. We talked about that moment 3 times over many months that followed because I thought it was an easy example to make the point that she sometimes has unusual emotional reactions to everyday things. Even though I brought them up in calm times, it triggered immediate escalation into more personal attacks on every topic under the sun. The last time we discussed it, shortly before I moved out, she said "maybe you weren't telling me what to eat.", but then launched into other personal attacks. This is one example, They happened from every week to every few weeks, and each time the topic and trigger were completely different. Sorry if my venting was not helpful to you.
"i love you" "i wanna marry you"
vs.
"we don't know each other so well" "i saw some thing this weekend that made me realize that we are incompatible"
I heard all of this in a 2.5 month span.
after having a "closure" back and forth with her (at her behest)...I finally blocked her on every possible social media outlet and phone, because she wanted to keep communicating...as she accused me of things that weren't true or came to incorrect conclusions about me...or devalued me.
I have to guard my energy. i hope she gets help.
Oh my god BRO ! same here she said we are not compatible and i felt it the most when we were at the beach, but during our relationship she said I love how passionate you are about me.
So true and so much clarity
This video is so good and so spot on. Thanks so much!!!
Very good video. I have been "dancing" on and off with BDP women for too long, first time 5 years relationship, then 5 years off, then back together and broke up again after one year..tell's something about me too right? i mostly subscribe as the "structured IT guy but not a sheldon nerd type" ...it's actually funny, the last "cycle" only lasted one year because i started to see the "patterns of her" and went "gray rock" on her...oh well, its painfull but i'll manage..."been there done that" already...but gotta learn more about my self why i attract these type of relationships. Your describing the types helped alot. Thanks ! 👍
I have listened many videos on this topic and I can surely say what coach Ken talk. is very authentic and know what he is saying. I love ❤️ to hear his talk but unfortunately we still have to face all this pain and emptiness in our life. God knows till how long. It’s horrible and so much terrible to bear this pain. I never ever experience this sort of pain in my life. Killing you inside. 😢
You described me so accurately. I am for sure the poet warrior personality so it all makes sense now.
Thanks for sharing great insight - grateful for this video.
I’m in a relationship with a BPD and I just discovered it. This video was inordinately helpful to me. He is pulling away now. I’ll get help from a therapist because I think the relationship is ending soon
Whoa… I can totally relate.
The desire to be loved is the last illusion
Give it up and you will be free.
I am a warrior and yes at the beginning that is exactly what he chased me for and fell in love with❤😢
This man just described my me in my entire marriage! Its like he knows me and why marriage failed. 😢 a month after the break-up im still hurting. Even therapy isnt working.
Stay strong Robby - It gets better, believe me. The pain right now might feel overwhelming - but you will get through this
This is too much 😫😢 love was never this hard I don't want it any more
Thank you. This is a new journey for me. I'm an extremely deep feeler who is in love with a BPD woman. I'm trying to learn as much as possible. This relationship is very complicated (even beyond BPD). So, learning how to navigate each aspect is important. I'm a very deep feeler. Definitely a cross between poet warrior and adhd with an IQ of 136. So, how do I avoid making the classic mistakes?
You are brilliant in every way this is my life with my dumper fiance of two and a half years only differences based on your stories that your verbally saying I'm the woman and he is the man.
Wow brother, this is so accurate. I draw my own nuance conclusions by weighing and working through different viewpoints, however while keeping sovereignty I will not take on additional work for myself if I am given something so spot on.
FUCK! You are amazing, i have learned more from 2 of your videos than from an entire life of being me.
HA! Thank you - that's very kind and it means a lot to read a comment like that!
I would love to get the name of the book you told me about, chapter 6- calculator commander
Thank you for the chat today!🙏🏻
I had a girlfriend who had that disorder. She was very talented in everything artistic, and her job was graphic designer.
IDK about warrior, but I'm definitely a poet. Me...all those amazing things? I find it hard to comprehend. I especially like your advice at the end. BE that idealized hero.
Well, shit, Coach.
I'll try.
You really understood us
Thanks Hussy!
My recent ex is diagnosed as a bpd. In therapy. No rage, no crazy, no insecurity manifests, no game playing. Always so sweet and playful with me? Even after 20 months. She just gently dumped me out of nowhere after a great week. I’m so confused
Splitting look it up. Don’t look back. Heal..
That matches the pattern - it happens. The internal anxiety builds until the only way to get the internal relief is to get the separation
This video just helped me incredibly. Thank you! 🙏
Being a Calculator commander type, my ex was extremely drawn to my work ethic and my success in my career and then later down the road four years it was my career that made me lose her and she always complained she always felt second to my job, but in reality, I put her first over everything. And my career paid for all the adventures she loved… now being the calculator type I can’t stop over analyzing everything
Similar thing happene with me. I changed my work schedule to appease her. Did everything to appease her but it was never enough. The goal posts always change. Chaos generator. I could see her mind creating chaos whenever peace occured...nothing good lasted. It was heart and mind breaking. Still is
@@mrfake675 yup they are addicted to chaos and drama. I have now learned do what I enjoy and woman see me being happy and are more drawn to me as they watch me from afar and put themselves in my orbit
@@mrfake675your comment describes my circumstances, mine used to say we need a DNA test were so alike, I love you so much your so handsome yet within the hour she would say there's something going on your lying to me. I've been around a long time I've experienced a lot of women but this one was the most toxic female I have ever encountered. 6 days ago she threw one of her tantrums and said I'm not doing this anymore for about the hundredth time in two years. This time I Agreed I had made my mind up over the last few months this was the final straw. She said I'm blocking you I said ditto, I would be a liar if I said I don't miss her but in reality I hope I never set eyes on her again. She said from the beginning ( you will hand me back) mission accomplished!!! 🤙
You are a good coach! 😊
I’m devastated
Me too. I’ve been in an off and on relationship with one. It’s over now and this explains it. It’s the closure I needed. I guess they are right when they say sometimes loves not enough 😢
Oh my god. Im learning about bpd, BINGING content and resonating with so much of it 😢 and when you said "he must not be as great as i thought he was if he wants to be with me. What kind of broken man wants to be with me?" My jaw literally dropped. I thought this exact thing about my ex husband. 😭😭
Yup that kind of thought process as someone with BPD is why I’ve never been in a romantic relationship and have pushed away friends for years whether it be because I actually wanted to analyze and fix the issue that we had and they were the conflict avoidance type or I was just trying to avoid eventually being abandoned by them.
Why is it that first it was me who didn’t want her and she tried so so so hard to get me.then when she got me she wants to act up and forget all the plans.she can’t do happily ever after.always wanting the initial hit of dopemine.that’s so messed up.not true love at all
Dude same here
Would it be a good or bad idea to send this video to my ex-gf with newly diagnosed BPD?
I am definitely in the “poet warrior” and “calculator” groups (natural protector, musician, engineer, and some ADHD). She has broken up with me twice after a couple months, each time out of the blue right after us being so in love and her telling and showing how much she loves me and planning the future. She only recently has been semi diagnosed with BPD, was diagnosed with bi-polar previously (a common misdiagnosis), so she is also dealing with new meds and hopefully actually starting new therapy.
If they're in love with the perfect person and they believe they're broken themselves then the perfect person can't be in love wirh them. Because the perfect person is too strong, too high value, too intelligent and too insightful to want to be with somebody as broken as them ~ sure says it all. With that core belief the bpd carries, they're right in their assessment and any type of healthy relationship is therefore doomed.
Hey there, I really like your videos for the most part, but I wanted to point something out that I've seen in a few and it disturbs me deep down. I suffer from BPD, and recently came out of a four year on-and-off again relationship with a person who had avoidant attachment. And whenever my BPD symptoms would create an issue in the relationship, I deeply wanted to change that behavior and ended up getting therapy and doubling down hard to work on fixing my issues and my trauma. I genuinely loved this girl with all my heart and soul and sincerely wanted us to be together forever. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I never, not once, ever felt disgusted or disappointed in her that she would ever love someone like me. I was always shocked by her love, surprised by it, and often questioned her as to why she would see so much in me when I felt so broken. But that never, ever meant I was disgusted that she COULD love someone like me...
When we began to talk about the future...or when she forgave me for my BPD "splits" (which often led to breakups, but the love and friendship was so strong we usually tried to repair and reconnect), I never thought less of her for this. :(
I watched a video the other day in which you spoke of your previous partner who had BPD and treated you this way, and I am so, deeply sorry, that anyone ever treated you so poorly as to think you were pathetic or disgusting for doing your best to tolerate and endure their behavior. You never deserved that. No one ever does. I want to reassure you, and others out there though, that there are people for whom BPD is something that happened to them as a result of deep traumas...and who absolutely, genuinely, don't want to have BPD and will do anything to repair themselves and be good people.
I could never imagine thinking or saying something so awful like that to a partner I love.
Please, please...don't encourage people to think that most BPD people will look down on them for forgiving their behavior or enduring it. Please...don't scare people into believing that we are disgusted by the ones we love for being kind hearted towards us. Perhaps some people with BPD do, but that certainly hasn't been my experience and hasn't been the case for some other BPD people I've dated too.
We are afraid of abandonment. We love hard. We feel everything amplified. When we say how much we love you, in almost all cases we genuinely and sincerely do love you that much. When we split on you and feel like we cant trust you or we're enraged its because we sincerely fear that you've betrayed our hearts and are going to hurt us, only to later realize it was paranoia. And that leaves us with enormous remorse over the things we thought were true when we were in the depths of a spiral. We are not monsters. ;;
If your BPD partner is treating you horribly yes absolutely you should set boundaries and if those don't work, leave. But please don't think we all think you're disgusting for your love for us. No. It may depend on the person, but we aren't all like that. I promise.
My ex watched a number of BPD videos and some of them scared her half to death and destroyed her hope for our future. But I saw a statistic that said 99% of all people who stick with treatment in therapy for BPD go into remission. 99 percent. This is not a hopeless condition. If you want to change, and you commit to it with all your heart and soul, you can. You absolutely can.
I lost the love of my life because online "advice" told her to run run run because my love was "fake".
It wasn't fake. And I'll be missing her for the rest of my life because the internet told her I was dangerous. Even though I was always, always, fixing everything that ever caused a problem and actively sought therapy that would challenge me and not enable me. My heart was always hers. Some of us really, genuinely, absolutely, love our partners with everything we have. And it isnt because of power or dominance...not for me. For me, I fall for a kind heart. Kindness and a gentle nature. And she had that. I'll miss her so much. I think I'm a poet type and I myself deeply expressed my passionate love for her. I do agree I always thought she was too good to be true though and that I could lose her easily if someone better came along. But i never lost attraction to her for expressing she wanted to be with me.
I just wanted to add that. I love what you do here. I just dont want people to be afraid that we are all the same. ;; There is hope for BPD people. If they want to be better and commit to therapy that challenges their core and are prepared to face themselves, they absolutely can heal and recover. Please don't lose hope for BPD people...
I was great friends with someone who has BPD, went to therapy regularly, and seemed to want to truly change, decided to ditch me and abandon me anyway. A majority don’t want to change and can even relapse and go back to Square 1. It’s a sad but true reality. I respect everyone who goes the thru the trouble and pain to recover to a stable place for them but honestly if people need to leave a person with BPD, they shouldn’t be guilted into not leaving as with anyone even without BPD. I see so many posts online about not leaving BPD and excusing more and more stuff til it’s very toxic. I have trauma and can’t constantly deal with their traumas, I feel a deep pain for them but I just can’t help them. BPD people as anyone should focus on themself first, if your not taking care of yourself, you can’t take care of others. Not everyone is going to like us in life and to accept that sooner will help all.
I wish there were more videos about bpd men, geared towards women. There really aren’t. We now know there’s just as many men as women who are afflicted with bpd. I have dated two men with bpd. I’m a sensitive artist with adhd on the autism spectrum (diagnosed). High drive and action oriented. Pretty intelligent. Both of these men split on me and in the end accused me of being a narcissist. I also had a best friend with bpd and she would call everyone a narcissist. They get hurt so easily by everything and their delusional thinking convinces them you are actually doing a bunch of nefarious things. Everyone they know is a supposed narcissist.
Same here! ADHD woman that has run into several BPD men...
@gothicdolly1756 @CoachKen Yes, mine love bombed me for 3 months. We connected on every level. He wanted to get married, spoke of moving in together, couldn't wait for me to change my last name. Called me the love of his life... "I wish I met you 30 years ago!". Wanted to spend all his time with me, which I loved. Met all his kids. Highly empathic and an amazing communicator for a guy. Like you, I actually told him I felt like I won the lottery in boyfriends. And when I was finally all in, everything changed. When he broke up with me, he said he couldn't love me the way I need and deserve and that it was because of his childhood and past TWO divorces that he couldn't change (unfixable) and that he felt guilty for his shortcomings. And then he started dating immediately and has rebounded. I still have hope; we both need healing as I have typically been codependent because of a bad divorce too. We both have abandonement issues. I am trying to heal mine while he numbs his pain relationship hopping.
They are the same. He and She are interchangeable when it comes to BPD.