It's insane how I went through these 7 stages literally step by step... She broke up with me on Valentine's day and immediately got in a new relationship with the guy she was talking to during our relationship. She brought up like 3 past issues that has already been resolved and blamed me for never changing and the reason for her unhappiness. I was just baffled and left in shock, everything was smooth sailing before that, telling me how much she love and appreciates me and then suddenly tells me she despises me. I don't even know what I did wrong. I was extremely self aware in the relationship to avoid stepping on eggshells. I got a good grasp of BPD when she was diagnosed in order for me to properly understand and comprehend her, listening isn't enough. It hurts that all of this was simply a façade. She checked off every box, she was the one until she flipped the switch. Now I know she's doing the same things we used to do with the new guy and it hurts.
I feel ya bro my girl did the same too. Whatever’s happening to us just remember we dont deserve this and we deserve much better. Been telling this myself to move on its been a month now.
@oh tene It has been 21 days for me, the first week was absolute hell because I didn't even know how to react. I texted her three more times just asking how she could cheat on me after telling me she loved me so much and appreciates me on the same day. She told her boyfriend to tell me to screw off and stop harassing her. I don't understand how he could even defend her, it's mind-boggling. But yeah, I know I was an exceptional partner even though she demonize me. Yes, we do man, we deserve respect at the very least. Find some new hobbies bro! Good luck with healing, it'll all be worth it.
Well, she’s doing all the bad stuff to him she did to you. He is not better than you are no matter what she tells you and no matter what she thinks. You and he are equally human. The fights will be over different stuff but their pattern will be the same. And he is doomed to go through what you went through and ultimately feel like what you’re feeling now. Unless the bastard is dumb enough to marry her, of course. They get much worse when that happens. Otherwise, should go through more of them and do the same kind of stuff to them. Meanwhile, you can heal and hopefully learn how not to fall for somebody like that again. they are just not worth the tremendous emotional investment.
@@Hun_Uinaq It's actually so insane... She called her bestie to trash talk me and I was on call with her bestie's boyfriend. After she was done spitting lies, she idealized the new guy and how they're hitting it off and he's the one. Who knows, I had a conversation with him and it just screamed narcissist and I heard that they pair well. I don't see her getting better anytime soon as much as that hurts to say, she's 19 and immature so she has a long way to go. I'm prepared this time and I still believe they deserve to be loved if they make an effort in change. Too bad she projected to me how I NEVER change. Thank you for the response, it has a lot of value to me. Cheers!
I have been destroyed by a boy whom I’m pretty sure has bpd. He has been diagnosed with depression and PTSD but out of the 9 criteria of bpd, he meets all of them. He also did this exact shit with me and I swear, no one knows how destructive and traumatising it is unless themselves went through it. He was so sweet and took care of me like no one ever did in the begining. He bought me flowers, said things to me that made me feel amazing and consistently told me he loved me. He looked at me as if I was the most beautiful girl in the world, talked proudly about me with his family and friends and he wanted to see me all the time. At one point we were almost living together at his place. I believed our relationship was very strong as we were friends for several years before that, had a great connexion and complicity and supported each other (he cried in my arms and I told him everything about my past). He told me he was doing so much better thanks to me, and for me this love felt like I found the missing pieces of a puzzle. I fell madly in love with him and could not imagine my life without him anymore. And then came the withdrawal and devaluation phase after our first argument (I got angry because he lied to me). Suddently, he did not want to see me anymore and said he needed time to think. I told him that I was sorry, that I loved him and that I wanted to talk things over with him, but he just avoided the conversation and was cold and dismissive of my feelings. But still, he kept texting me asking how my day was while not seeing me and being distant, even mean sometimes, as if he was still punishing me for the argument. Everytime I asked him what was going on he would become defensive and tell me we were going to speak about it, which of course we never did. I now realise how abusive this was, but the idealisation phase was so intense and addictive that I lost all respect for myself and waited for him...hoping to get this love back and believing I really did something wrong for his behavior to change so radically. The pain was so great that I just wished I could never ever wake up again. At work I could not help but to check my texts every hour, hoping to receive one from him telling me cute stuff or asking me if I wanted him to pick me up after work, as he did in the beginning. But of course he didn’t and each glance at my phone made me die inside. Eventually, after three weeks like that we finally met and spend and exciting weekend together, kissing intensely and passionately. There were still mean jokes and comments in between, but he told me about plans together for the next week end and this summer so I was so excited believing things were going back to normal. Only to be discarded via text three days later. I asked him to discuss this face to face but he aggressively refused and said he did not own me anything. He also told me I was lucky he was still nice to me, and when I tried to apologize and explain myself again he said it was too late and that I ruined the relationship. I told him that it was not possible to not love me anymore for an argument if he really did love me and he replied saying ‘’I guarantee you it is’’. Finally, when I told him that I hoped one day he would realise that we really had something special and that it was worth saving, he told me ‘’do not exagerate, it was not that great’’. I remember crying to my best friend, in shock and confused, saying ‘’it’s like he was two completely different persons’’, wondering where the hell was the man whom I once loved and who had been replaced by a monster. And then I found out he started seeing one of his exes one week after our argument and that he just discarded me after concluding with her. Plus that he lied to me about another ex being dead when she was in fact alive (the source of the argument we had was that he lied to me about blocking her, as later he told me he didn’t because she passed away). At that point I realized there was more than PTSD going on with him, so I started reading about mental diseases and when I came across bpd everything clicked at once in my mind. It was a huge relief for me me to finally make some sense of what happened to me and know that I am not the crazy one. I am relieved and thankful I got out, even though I still feel so empty and shocked and like I am living life on autopilot. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again after this.
Yes it’s so fucked up, it feels like you fell in love with a scammer... five months later I am doing much better and am happy single with no one to hurt me. But I am still not over it (and it only lasted two months!), it feels like I never will... it’s a good thing you blocked him, it takes a lot of courage so you are on the right track
Wow, your story almost fits exactly mine with my recent ex bf. Same thing, good, he lied, he shut down, he didn't want to talk, I moved out because he was so cold. Then he stopped communicating altogether and I see him on dating apps a week later. This is beyond disrespectful. After years together he can't even say goodbye. We don't deserve this treatment. It's immature and maybe even evil. He can sleep with me and say he loves me and hours later push me away and ignore me and sleep with someone else. I'm honestly disgusted and feel sick to my stomach. I pray I never fall for another bpd or anyone else that can do this. It's almost like they're sociopaths.
I am so sorry you went through this. I had something similar happen to me recently, I resonated with the part of where your ex said don't exaggerate, because the person I was seeing when she flipped everything up said "why are you reacting this way, it didn't last that long". It's really hurtful.
As BPD myself I can tell you she’s totally wrong about the leaving part… we will never leave we will simply make it so miserable that person has to leave us
there’s circumstances you will leave, like if your in a ‘relationship’ which just doesn’t feel like one, and there’s someone else that can fill their role, you will give an ultimatum and leave if they refuse, but you may continue to text that person in hope they change their mind
Not true. I dated someone with BPD for 4 years and he flat out left me well over 100 times. This may not be your course of action, but in general they do leave, and often enough that it's considered a part of the stages.
She mentions in the video that their partner might be making things too easy for them and it's not what they need to trigger their childhood pain. They need to chase love and hunt it down. So if their partner isn't supplying it then they'll find it somewhere else.
BPD don't enjoy chasing. Quite the opposite, they never understand that their partner is there loyal and trusting. They will chase an internal illusion that they are not being validated. In the end that might cause their fears to come true.
They’re scared of themselves and cant seem to get ahold of themselves. So they are always scared of others even its a loyal and caring partner. Every little joke or impression that isnt magical or validating, they take as rejection. Every day for them is a dramatic Shakespeare story
@@Frenchy032768 One of the biggest obstacles is that the partner becomes accomplice in the delusion, by believing you can heal the partner by being more supportive. It's important to seek professional support (even if you might have read a lot of theory) The treatment involves a gradual building of trust and emotional resilience, by practicing to see the world in more shades and nuances (dialectical thinking therapy) instead of the distorted black-and-white reasoning that results in emotional rollercoasters. This takes time, and it might be difficult to develop only within a romantic context since it's often part of the core trust issue.
For me, it was a really soul-crushing when we went from intense attraction to me shutting down parts of my personality to sort of mirror their mirroring. I noticed early on she had a very intense sensitivity to the less rosy parts of my persona but I was too emotionally hooked to get out when it became apparent. So I started mirroring her and trying to be "good enough" for her. I'm a fairly emotionally driven person to begin with and I got rid of the last vestiges of rationality in order to survive life with her. When she moved out of my apartment and I got some of my willpower back, every time I would show her the tiniest glimpse of that willpower and occasional prickliness that comes from standing your ground, she would freeze, leave and take a day or two to recuperate.
This is the exact same experience I had never lived with her and don’t speak to her no more but when their is a situation that needs addressing and I try to bring it up she would do the exact same thing freeze and try and walk away call a Uber actually run it’s so disrespectful but clearly that’s linked to bpd since that girl u was with was doing the same thing you also can’t reason with them or come to a common ground or it’s a full heated argument
It wasn't until I met my girlfriend with BPD that I truly realized that intelligent and seemingly reasonable women can have a complete parallel reality of truth. The black and white perspective and lack of empathy for others is so striking, as their own pain and feelings are so strong. It's changed my outlook on the world and it's sad to realize that BPD peoples' reality is so real to them, but can be completely false from a healthy and rational perspective. Especially as they can be so intelligent. I can only imagine the pain that people close to BPD sufferers have gone through...
my mum has a daughter with bpd and a husband with it too. she's been through this cycle for over 20 years and ive asked her before how it affects her. she says that yes we say hurtful things and lack empathy and overreact and yes sometimes she feels we hate her, but she says she knows we cant help it and she knows we mean none of it and that the positive side of bpd makes up for it. during an episode we really may lack empathy, but in reality ppl w bpd have a very very strong emotional intelligence and me personally I feel empathy for others as if I was experiencing their pain myself and it genuinely affects my day to day life because ive hyper fixated on how sad the man I walked past last week looked. if I see anyone crying I instantly cry too. we feel severe guilt after our episodes but quite often we act as if we don't feel bad because we don't want to look weak. its very hard to love someone w bpd but I promise we aren't all bad!! so much respect for those who stay with us and care about us through our hard times, so thank you.
@@shaironburns9639 what would you say helps snap you out of a split? My girlfriend lost her mother a month ago and last week she split me likely due to the increased emotional pain she is experiencing. She isn't abusive in any way, she just doesn't want to be around me or talk during the times she splits. Is there anything I can do to reduce the time she'll be in this split with me? I'm not attached, so I'm more than emotionally capable of leaving if I need to. She does show signs of wanting help, although she is unaware that she shows multiple traits of BPD (I finally just now put two and two together). I'd like to do what I can to help her and possibly build a healthier relationship together, but if we're unable to reduce these splits (this is the second one in 2 years) to a week or two and a time I'll have to leave and open myself up for someone who can handle a family one day. Any advice you have is much appreciated.
@@ryanfrank1309 RUN. Get out now before you get sucked in. You won’t fix her. Let me tell you how this is going to go - you will continue to give and give and give and then magically one day you may tell her you are running five minutes late and poof…she vanishes and blocks you. You sit there with such hurt and confusion. She is already abusing you and you are looking for ways to justify it. Stop. She will never be like you. And if you stay she will literally tear your emotional feelings apart. Sounds to me like she already is and being relatively new to this you think it will all subside one day. You definitely do NOT want kids with her. I am 100% serious, this person is not who you are looking for. Save your future and get out NOW! This comes from a survivor…
It’s all around pain and it sucks. Can you imagine feeling things 20x more than normal people. How intense and exhausting that is. And then because of those intense feelings, destroying connections with people you care about over and over and over again. It must be awful.
Being around this behaviour makes you feel insane. I honestly felt that the soul was sucked right outta me by the end. So much pushing and pulling, sometimes on a daily basis. Extremely toxic. I feel for anyone going through this. But bare in mind, mental disorder doesnt take away from the fact that abuse is abuse.
Devaluing stage is 100% accurate. It’s very hurtful to experience and it’s a never ending cycle. I think it’s time to nope out somebody else can deal with it
The bpd breakup is the worst breakup I’ve ever been through. The most addicting people will just wrench themselves out of your life and blindside you. Lie. Then be with someone else within a week.
There’s no real identity and when they mirror and love bomb us it’s like you have your soul mate. Their ability to split and form a new identity puts us in shock. How can they cheat? How can they ghost? How can they be so evil? Especially when they presented themselves to be so perfect. I do believe there is some identity there but one with capability of changing for periods of time depending who they’re with. It’s sad for all parties but they do have control of their actions.
Holy fuck been going through this for a year. It’s crazy to hear her tell me thank you for showing me what an actual healthy relationship is. And then puts me through all this. It’s also crazy to hear that maybe this is because she has to hunt unhealthy relationships and since I’m a healthy relationship she sabotages it. It sucks because I love her more than anything and don’t want to let go. But it keeps the cycle going
Just know that there is bad people in this world but if u see someone who is genuinely trying to fight for you and put in effort try and listen even though that may be hard for you
This video is what I play when I want to get back with my BPD ex partner, it makes me realise that all I am doing is going on a loop again with more suffering and less honeymoon each time... Thank you, this video helps me staying away. I suffered so much at the devaluation stage 💔
Same, even though they are pretty awesome and don't see themselves that way and self manipulate. And it's really hard to let them go, it's maybe for the best.
@@ellengrace4609 I'd argue it's never "hopeless" but it has different levels, can probably refer to it as a spectrum of different intensities, for example, to be diagnosed with BPD you need to meet 5 out of 9 of the BPD symptoms , so someone could have 5 in mild intensity, someone else can have 9 in high intensity, sometimes these two people could be the same person but in different periods of their life. Overall, if the person with BPD is working on their issues and are aware of it, and their partner understands how things work with BPD then the relationship has more chances to not become a living hell, the more mentally stable the non BPD partner is, the more chances for it to work as well. Once you are in a healthy relationship for a long period of time , many of the BPD symptoms will become less intense but this is something that takes years of hard work and a lot of motivation to make the relationship work.
@@kobi2024 Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am currently enduring the fallout of our breakup and what I now know is the inevitable spiral into a no-win situation. After the breakup, which he insisted was me but absolutely wasn’t, I realized there was something very odd happening. His behavior was so strange. I started reading about BPD and it fits him to a T! This explains so much, including why he broke it off but insists it was me - he got it in his mind that I was going to end it (not even remotely true) so he exploded and ended it first. It also explains why he is now accusing me of things I would never do and never gave him any reason to think I would do. I have been with narcissists in the past and am VERY sensitive to NPD red flags and I run at the first sign. I’m never going through that again! But while some of his behaviors align with NPD, I knew early on that was not him. After ruling that out, I relaxed into the relationship and after a few months of dating (I’ve known him for years) I believed we had a strong, committed relationship. We both said as much to each other often. Until I brought up one concern and everything fell apart. I realize I’m making an armchair diagnosis, but again, it all fits and makes sense now. The problem is, I doubt he is aware that he may be suffering from this or any mental health issues. Ironically, because of my background, I am very tolerant (probably too tolerant) of these types of issues, so long as the person is working towards recovery. If not, I know better than to waste my time and open myself to that the inevitable emotional abuse. I wish I knew a way to help him become aware and seek therapy. He has ended every relationship he’s ever had, including his family. I see his good side though and like most relationships in this situation, the good times were really good. Anyway, without his awareness and therapy, I do realize there is sadly no hope.
@@ellengrace4609 Ending it because he thinks you are going to is something I also do (I have BPD) and after self reflection I could tell it is because of fear of abandonment, someone leaving me will hurt me way more than if I end it on my terms because then I am not the one who's "abandoned" but the one abandoning , which is a messed up thing if you think about it, but I do it subconsciously , I do not actively think that this is what I'm doing, and he probably does not either, especially if he really has BPD and is unaware of it. I think what would do you well is to give him a bit of time for himself and if he doesn't talk to you first then talk to him and explain how things look from your point of view, and suggest him to see a mental health professional, maybe also tell him to read about BPD and see if he finds these things relatable, if he is not willing to work on himself then as you said, I am afraid it's better to leave rather than sink with him, as much as it hurts.
BPD is on a spectrum. When the devaluation starts there’s no coming back . The cycle begin to speed up and those stages got shorter and shorter like as if the walls are closing in on you .She couldn’t take any accountability, everything was my fault, couldn’t talk about our relationship to reconcile or work on it . After 5.5 years I walked away and it was painful. 6 months later she got with some guy and in less than a month they got married and had a baby . They just keep it moving and you are as if you never existed. Life lesson people . To be fair it takes two and something is definitely wrong with you to put up with them and not walk away after a few red flags. ❤
I take partial blame too , but to your cheating comment, no she didn’t cheat because I was with her 24/7 I guess that’s what lead me to leave because I was exhausted, we lived at her place of business, got up at 6 bed at midnight, wake up at, go to work, not all borderlines cheat , I’m not in denial I was with her all day / night if I went out to check the mail dude she would say where was I going .Maybe it happened to you but to say she cheated on me I disagree. Maybe emotional cheating because you can’t know who their messaging but I’m cool now , anyways I heard recently she’s not even with that dude anymore, she tried hoovering with a family member , but now im in a cool relationship with a beautiful woman, not crazy doesn’t flip out , just chill , peace
These type of people are a total mind f*ck. Your best bet is to get out n cut the attachment as soon as they start portraying these behaviors. If you don't you'll be the one suffering the most by the end of it. Most of them know they're toxic in relationships but they don't want to seek help, they'll get a kick out of making you their victim, making you miserable (just like them) n destroying your life in the process. That's how they get their power,thru manipulation and emotional vampirism. They purposely go after Empathic people who may have self esteem issues themselves n who may want to save and take care of them. It's not a symbiotic but more of a parasitic relationship where you'll become their host n they will suck the life out of you n once they feel they have drained you of all your worth, they will move on to the next host n their toxic cycle will repeat. Stay blessed. ✊🏿
im sorry you had such a bad experience with bpd. I promise we aren't all bad. bpd sufferers actually usually have very strong senses of empathy and feel insanely guilty for any upset we cause, it sounds like the experience you have had wasn't purely bpd-or maybe even just a bad person using it as an excuse for abuse. we know when we are out of line and we know that it is our responsibility even if we don't mean it or can't control our outbursts, we still feel awful after and we still go to extreme lengths to make others happy. im very sorry someone has treated you like this, you deserve better, but this really sounds like you had an experience with just a shitty person. im really sorry
@@shaironburns9639 Sounds like their partner may have been a narcissist. I am very familiar with NPD and can spot them a mile away. I am just now learning about BPD. I did see red flags with the man I was recently dating but I was so focused on being sure he wasn’t NPD that when I was comfortable he wasn’t, I started to let my guard down and relax into the relationship. I just brushed off those red flags as him having abandonment issues that were normal because he’s twice divorced. Then about a month ago, I brought up what I thought was a serious issue and legitimate concern for our relationship. He exploded - I’d never seen that level of anger from him before - and accused me of trying to sabotage the relationship and break up with him. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I brought it up so we could address it so that it WOULDN’T break us up. Anyway, he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. After recovering from absolute shock, I’ve been trying to make sense of it all. That’s what led me to realize he seems to have BPD. The more I read, the more I’m sure of it. The thing is, I really wanted our relationship to work and even now I’m not sure I want to give up. But we’re not really communicating. Then I read comments like the one above and I start to wonder if I should even bother trying. 🤷♀️
🤣🤣🤣🤣what you said here im going through rn, she was so loyal and loving but the fights were too much man sometimes even out of nowhere idk why im laughing but i just broke up with her hours ago i was soo confused as to know why she always got angry but now ik shits funny maane..i cut my loses
@@ellengrace4609I agree, sounds more like a narcissist than BPD. Your experience sounds unfortunate and shocking. Hope you're safe from toxic people right now!! 😊
I fell victim to a bpd untreated male no one should have to have experienced such trauma there non functioning can’t do anything for themselves and everything that is yours they feel entitled to and left used and abused and it’s alllll about them no empathy or remorse there’s no excuse for abuse there’s hope if u do dbt therapy they need to quit blaming everyone else for there actions and not going to therapy or manipulating the therapist into your the bad ones and there the victim my ex had 6 therapists and they believed his lies so he continues on that path of destruction it’s actually sad for all involved my ❤️goes out to those who endured this abuse
My experience of dating someone with this was them continually talking about leaving - but then when I eventually said I was done - they acted like I’d abandoned them. It was the most toxic connection of my life. The intense love, and idealisation at the start gets you thinking it’s a soul mate, then the belittling and cruelty as well as the constant mood swings and anger, left me physically unwell. You literally get whiplash from them, will they love or hate me today. Then when you are trying to move on the constant reaching out, blame game, temporary love bombing again and then anger - it’s exhausting. I feel for anyone in this situ.
I had the exact same cycle with my ex-gf. However, BPD and CPTSD is apparently very similar so I am not sure if she had BPD. However, she showed characteristic symptoms very strongly. I got devalued over one simple comment and then eventually next day after a brutal gauntlet of emotions all over the place, during which she belittled and hurt me, she said she wanted to broke up and I also could not continue at that point.
There is a book on bpd called "I hate you, don't leave me" - I believe it really says it all in nutshell. Hell of an experience to get involved with them.
And guess what I just received this message from her : Hey I’m gonna distance myself a bit, I just wanted to let u know so you don’t think I went ghost. This is a part where I have to be completely patient calm and not go into panic mode or take anything personally because I know she’s having a mental break right now she feels overwhelmed.
@@alphacenturi1874 she ended up cheating on her boyfriend of one 1 year with me these past couple months also it’s been 2 weeks now no contact definitely feel much better and relieved I felt this pressure when I was around her it was like I was being choked.
I have some traits of bpd and I don't claim to know everything about it but my experience with the leaving stage isn't because I'm not challenged or I need to go on a "hunt", that's actually very weird to me. I have times where I'm unhappy and my partner is clearly unhappy and I think the best way to show my love is to leave so that they can have a chance of some happiness.
Yes, these things do happen, not necessarily in phases like this, but not necessarily because the person with BPD is doing it on purpose or planning these things. There is an intense sense of desperation and pain going on in these people that make them behave this way. They are really are afraid of losing you and being alone which causes clinginess and codependency. When they shut you out it is either because of splitting, which is part of the disorder, not something they are consciously doing, where they can go from seeing something or someone as all good or all bad, or they are seeing themselves as being all bad and trying to push you away to try to save you. The threats of suicide are out of desperation and are sometimes real. 1 out of 10 people with BPD do take their own lives. Best way I have heard it put is it's like an emotional burn victim. Emotions are extremely sensitive.
So what? Who cares? Screw them. Empathy is wasted on such people. They don’t care. They will hurt you, and hurt you, and hurt you and, while you were sitting there in emotional agony, they will want to justify their behavior and act like they are actually the ones that are the victim. No. I’m tired of it. I’m sick of it. Never again. 15 years is more than enough time wasted. I will never get those years back. And now, she’s doing it to my children along with the poor hapless bastard she has hoovered as her new partner. When I get my kids, I often have to spend the first 24 hours undoing damage she is causing. No, when it comes to BPD people, damn them and the horse they rode on
Thank you for being objective and humane about pwBPD. All too often we are stigmatized as though we all act the same way. Like anyone we are individuals and present differently. You worded better than I could and more humanly than the psychologist who made this video. We can cause chaos and hurt people but it’s not necessarily intentional. More splitting out of fear or rejection sensitivity. Much respect to you 👍
I felt myself get defensive, then I stopped and tried to apply what she said to something in my life that wasn't so obvious, that could be easily mistaken as affection but it's really control, and she's totally and completely right. Once I removed my narc fiance from the scenarios, I realized I'd have done the same thing had he not even been there. That I'm driving him to not even want to get help. That I was causing just as much chaos for him as he was for me. I used his behavior as an excuse for my own..... This is eye opening for damn sure
Jesus, I wish I had known all this in my 20’s. Spent 5-1/2 years with a GF with BPD. She was very emotionally abusive and completely dismissive of my feelings and it was more off than on. And she always dumped me because she “had to find out about someone”. Always a new guy, almost immediately after breakup. Idealization, devaluation, over and over. Broke my heart over and over.
This is very accurate to my experience. My BPD ex told me she had my diagnosed with BPD after her previous relationship but that her therapist said it was just ‘temporary.’ And yet she showed all these stages. The devaluing was the hardest. She was so critical and mean over very small things. The withdrawal was hard too. It was all very confusing.
Excellent video on the cycles that occur in relationships in which one individual has BPD. You shed some light on this topic for people without BPD who are seeking to understand why being in a relationship with someone suffering from this disorder is so confusing and aggravating. Thank you!
To be frank, this pattern concerns fairly many normal relationships unaffected by any emotional pathologies or personality disorders: you fall in love, idealize the other, find first cracks, perhaps get hurt or disappoined, get back together, briefly work on things, then realize your previous instinct was right all along and people really dont change... Is that so foreign? It can also be affected by Being reckless or temperamental and chaotic doesnt make you a borderliner - also being dumped or cheated on or devalued doesnt mean your ex had BPD and you are, oh how convenient, totally not to blame. I am living with a wife with BPD for 10 years. What makes the difference is the sheer frequency and scale in terms of lack of emotional stability. Normal people typically value their long-term relationships quite a lot and it takes them quite some time to make the move and break up, at which point they are sure and convinced they mean. A person with BPD will promise eternal love in the evening, state that she is SURE this time and wants to buy a house together and have kids this year, in the morning she will be moody, bitter and eventually explode in anger and tell you you make her want to vomit, you are the worst person she ever met and wants to leave straight away. And this repeats itself like 10 times a month. Day after they would have no clear recollection of this and probably ask for an apology because you were mean and provoked them.
The more I learn about BPD, the less I feel I understand it. Scared of abandonment, yet leave relationships because it's too easy? Can't handle being ignored, but operate in ways that make it hard or ill advised to give attention to them for fear they'll continue with that sort of behavior. You can tell somebody exactly what they need to do to get attention, and they may not listen, yet get mad when they're ignored. Makes no sense to me personally
Hi, I have bpd and I just want to reassure you that we ourselves don't understand it. sometimes I want someones full attention, but others I feel smothered by attention and I want to be alone. its very confusing and we don't know why we feel this way either. one day I can be madly in love and the other I just want to be alone. its confusing af and we do feel a lot of guilt for the confusion and hurt we cause others. so don't worry, we don't even understand ourselves hahahah
I’m in an on and off relationship currently with someone with BPD. And i feel it’s even more emotional because it is a lesbian relationship. Currently in the 6th stage, she said she didn’t want to see me ever again and didn’t ask to see me for weeks, but still always messaged me and popped up at my job/bars we both go to when she knew I’d be there. Spent days together and felt like we were in love again, now she needs “space” and wants to leave town for weeks. The problem is that I truly love her, and am very understanding and helpful of mental health issues as I am a psychology grad student. I went back to her after everyone told me not to and she had been verbally abusive towards me. Truly don’t know what to do in this situation, on one hand I love her and she makes me feel a way I haven’t felt in years even with other partners, but another part of me thinks it’s best for me and her to let her go. Honestly could use some advice on this situation.
I think that if you learn to "hold" your energy out of reach instead of spilling it eagerly in either a push or pull moment, you may stand a chance. It's the energy release that feed the drama monster. I don't fully know how to describe it, but it's sort of like half grey-rocking, all the time. It's like being emotionally stern, and tbh the issue here is that they don't know what parents/parenting look like. And you're the one they're attaching to to try to get a do over. This attitude dramatically lessened the bouts with a previous relationship of mine, she became almost normal when we practiced diverting away from the default behaviour of intellectual tantruming.
i'm also in a wlw relationship with someone with BPD. at a pretty bad stage with her right now. how's it going for you now? how long have you guys been on and off for?
Love your video. Damn accurate. A couple things: the break up feels absolutely heartbreaking in large part because by that time, you will have given so much of yourself and you will have put up with so much from them thinking that they love you when the whole time, it’s very shallow. Another thing that makes it heartbreaking is that you’re sitting there hurting for a while after the break up only to find out that your ex has moved on literally from one day to another as if you never existed. They can jump right into another long-term relationship seemingly from one day to another and swear up and down that this person is just absolutely the right person for them. They are basically everything you’re not. Obviously, this is long after the devaluation has begun with you. I’ve never encountered anybody else who could just seemingly switch on their emotions and switch them off so effortlessly. It’s because it’s an act. They don’t really feel it. They just know what it looks like and they do their best to mimic it.
I went through this for 5 years, I’m a problem solver I made charts, notes, results percentages etc. I broke it down to a science and she HATED me for it. The moment I started to see the patterns, she took it as me saying its ALL YOURE at fault. I wasn’t on the contrary realized then that I was also a piece to this never ending repetitive pattern, everything is on point except for the leaving part, they don’t leave, they make it clear you can always come back and save this, instead they will make it so miserable to the point where you have to leave. But this is 95% correct, please please pay attention to the red flags mentioned. I always told myself I wish I could of met her again, I truly love her but I also love myself and those a relationship with a BPD is a never ending emotionally chaotic roller coaster. I tried for 5 years, it never changed ESPECIALLY is they’re refusing to acknowledge they even gave an issue. You will always be the reason they have uncontrollable emotions.
Why is it that the hunt is so important for them? I felt like my ex obsessively chased me for months and when I finally told her I was committed to making our relationship work that’s when she flipped into not being sure if she wanted a relationship
It validates them because they don't have a core self. They're empty inside so they are constantly seeking that perfect parent they never had as a child aka "FP" or "Favorite Person" Once you hear that term. RUN!
As someone with BPD, it’s crazy to make sense of it, but I find myself to behave that way despite consciously knowing that it is not normal. It seems like the default mode for BPD is sadness and emptiness. And when we get love or enrichment in life, we question if we deserve it. And when it is taken away (a small mistake or small thing that is perceived as abandoning us BPD), we retract and find another “worthy” person to be with. It’s tiring living in such condition that you know is wrong but you cannot escape. I wonder if there is truly recovered BPD or we are meant to be miserable all of our lives.
@theonlydjtopcat my ex literally would tell me I was their favorite person and they checked off a bunch of boxes for bpd. It's kind of funny how they literally use the term favorite person.
She chased and got what she wanted but it makes her feel empty inside because what she really wanted was for you to show how much you wanted her without her having to chase. The decision to chase and the win from that is like a consolation prize, but all she probably really wanted was to see unconditional love from you
My ex would break up with me every night then expect me to beg her to come back the same night. After letting her do that abd manipulate me too many times I started to stand up for myself and it went south fast with me being assaulted and bitten as she tried to break into my apartment and confront or assault the new girl I was talking with l. Ended with her arrest and a restraining order it still haunts me today
I just put a restraining order on mine because he refused to sign off the lease even tho he moved 2 hours away. Just so he could come and go when he pleases? No thank you. I am not okay tho. Been crying a lot. But I will survive.
I just got out of a relationship that lasted a little over a year, I was beyond good to her. I was very confused on why she left, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, it was driving me crazy. I started thinking she was a female narcissist, but after watching this video, every step made more and more. I’m no doctor, but I’m certain she has BPD. There are 2 things I noticed that’s she did a little different, towards the end she made the relationship completely miserable and made be believe all of this was my fault, but would continue to string me along…..it wasn’t until she found someone else to replace me that then it was completely over. Which at this point she still tried to string me along telling me she still loved me and couldn’t get over me. At that point I said stop the ride I WANNA GET OFF. hope this helps someone.
Jesus! This is verbatim what has just happened to me... A psychologist friend of mine said I might have met a BPD girl and to watch this. I cannot believe this is exactly what happened to me! I still can't get over her, I still love her... I cannot believe this. I still love her so much, it hurts me to know she is dealing with this and I can't help her. I'll never confront her about this, but I am so crushed right now. I don't know what to do. I just can't move on from her. She broke up with me 2 times, stood me up once, told me to "fuck off" out of anger when I was just talking to her, was afraid of me leaving her, and then went to "we should just be friends". Even after the first night, I slept over at her place, the following day she cried to me and said "I don't want to hurt you". Then the relationship changed dramatically!! No more "I love you" texts, no more "I miss you" texts, she would always text me and then it went to me always texting her. And this happened to me 8 months prior I was seeing a girl who was gaslighting me! It's wired, when I look back on it. I meet her once and made a joke about her work, after telling her for weeks how I think she is so amazing and her job is so cool. She got really upset about it. And she laughed at the time! But when she got home she told me how it hurt her. She sent a message telling me the night we had together didn't match up with the romantic texts we sent each other leading up to it. And I was like "But I am that guy in the texts!". Now I see the signs, it makes so much sense. ... I'm so lost right now. I feel used. I have no one to turn to and I still love her so much.
I'm sorry you are going through this...maybe she doesn't know she has bpd, if you really love her, try to help her get help and promise to be with her through it all
@@Daniel-A47 I wish I could. It's really over now. But I'm spending my time on my degree now. She's a beautiful person, but she is dealing with demons that are out of my wheelhouse of knowledge or control.
My friend, you're telling us this has happened to you twice. Here's the thing, and this may be painful: You are a part of this dynamic. It's not just her. Healthy people would react to someone wanting to sleep with you on the first night and saying something like that as being a red flag. You saw it as a romantic challenge. You need to go to therapy, and you need to figure out why you participated in something like this, and why it's so addictive for you. I am not judging you. I have the same problem. Focus on yourself. Get into therapy and STAY in therapy.
This video was 100% what happened to me. My ex 30f and I 40m broke up with me 5 months ago for me drinking too much and not bettering my career which is valid. I’ve since quit drinking and looking for a job and we agreed to keep talking and try and mend things. She keeps going back and forth with saying she will take steps back into coming home then backing off again. Hot and cold. Things were looking up a bit after giving her space then she got overwhelmed and from talking to me every day, back to maybe once the past week. During our 5 year relationship she improved a lot with getting therapy and things were great for years! Getting help, helped her and then a catalyst just set her into a spiral into “independence “ aka running away temporarily or until I decide I’m done but for now I haven’t given up
I love someone who pushed me away. It happened EXACTLY as you described. Like you said, I want to help and support them, but I get so hurt when they stop talking.
I Found myself broken at the devaluing stage, I got told I am nothing, out of nowhere nearly, It was harsh on me because I already suffered from low self-esteem. for me it was just another Sunday, Staying up all night defending myself over texts because she refuses to call or see me, She already was idolizing someone new. I Kinda Knew, still loved her though, and after a few hours of back and forth, She drops it on me, She doesn't love me and I am not her problem anymore... she doesn't care for me. I didn't know what was happening and my world fell apart, I kept getting blocked and unblocked for a month or so, I kept getting mixed signals of being pet named to being told "I don't care for your existences" , I gave up and backed up, and she seems to do so too...then she came back again... Until my therapist told me that she has BPD and I was suffering from her abuse. i went into therapy because i have developed codependent tendencies on her because of my low self-esteem, I loved saving, I loved being the guy she ran to every time something went wrong, made the Ol self-esteem better...
This resonates more than you can imagine. Just got out of a relationship with someone with undiagnosed BPD/narcissistic personality and this hit home. It got to a point where combined with the gas lighting, I actually starting to think I was the abuser even though I was being abused. Multiple instances of cheating but me thinking it would be different, multiple bar nights till 4am, multiple fights. The nonsense never ended. I could always tell when she was gonna go distant or do something bad when I looked in her eyes, it was like I wasn’t even human.
@@smartparts147 Thank you for sharing and I am so so sorry that you had to go through that. I could happly link you a couple of studies that shows the negative effects BPD on their partner. They are famous for making the other SO feel crazy. In fact most people catch the habits of PWBPD and end up hurting themselves even more after the relationship is over. She is not a monster, she is not developed emotionally as a neurotypical person, she doesn't know any better, she can't go untreated because...yeah... self damage is high and even high functioning silent BPD end up broken without treatment. Don''t blame yourself too hard, you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Take care of your mental health and don't let her mental fleas infect you, and if they have, go seek therapy. it's going to be okay.
I feel like I'm experiencing the same. She is sensitive to what I say, and as much as I want to work on things and talk it out, she doesn't want any of it. She just walks out. It's difficult too because when she runs to confide in me, I can't figure what she wants, nor know what she wants. Everything I do just seems wrong. That said we definitely did have happy moments. The volatility is killing me, I want to be there and help her but she seems to prefer her own space now
@@alphacenturi1874 you can't help someone like that I promise. you can learn about the behavior patterns to recognize them in future relationships, but that is beyond simple talks between a couple.
We have all been exactly where you are at currently bro don’t feel like you are alone with this honestly the best thing you can do is block her on everything only keep what is necessary in case she tries to accuse you of some false allegations but other than that move on with your life find someone healthy. Think of this as a learning lesson since you now know what to expect in the future if the love is too quick then question it you just gained boundaries and self esteem by being in that situationship.
Is it common for someone with BPD to experience intense obsessions with someone they admire? Or even an enemy? Copying what they do. Liking the same things they like. Dressing like them etc. Could go hand in hand with struggling with identity. Anybody else or know anybody else with this issue?
I have BPD, and an unstable sense of self and “swallowing” someone else is quite common for me and those I know. We don’t really know who we are; constantly in flux between one thing to the next. Obsessions are very easy to develop. When we like someone, we can very much become enthralled by them. There’s a term called “favorite person” (otherwise known as our “FP”), where there’s only one person in the world that matters: our FP. They become our source of happiness and validation. It’s very common.
As someone with BPD we maybe bored of regular relationships but we do not leave if we are getting effection we want that love and dedication we will not leave no we won't we get that that's love we just sometimes may say we are if we feel you never cared or don't
Borderlines fall on a wide spectrum, what you do may be different from another. But at the core your biggest fear is abandonment, or you are not a Borderline period.
For me the devaluation part only came out in public. I had this weird thing where when we were alone I completely idolized him but when there were others around I was very on guard and ready to fight him. There were moments I genuinely despised him, "he's such a know it all" "he acts so confident". It was absolutely ridiculous because I knew that I loved him and I didn't understand why I had all these negative thoughts about him. I ended up telling him about it all and apologizing, telling him that I didn't actually believe that stuff but my anger just bubbles to the surface. I really hate the things I did. I tried my best to pull them back when I could so I wasn't outright awful to him, just kinda bitter at times.
I am absolutely certain I have undiagnosed BPD. Listening to this and looking at my relationship history, I see the pattern. I'm the common denominator. Thankfully, I have been referred for assessment to ascertain if I do have BPD, but I really feel the conclusion will be that I have. Looking back at my life, it makes total sense to me.
I doubt you have the full blown disorder. You may just have borderline traits. You’re very lucky if that is the case. The full blown disorder is much harder to treat. The reason I say that I doubt you have it is that they have a very difficult time with introspection such as your comment demonstrates you have done. Most of them can’t do what you did. Anyone who tries to make them do it often triggers the rage or makes them cry. It’s very closely related to narcissism. They can’t face the possibility that they may be broken like that. There’s a spoonful of hope for you to go with your cup of despair. good luck.
@philomelodia going by that issue alone, I would agree. Unfortunately, that's not an isolated issue. I am hopeful my assessment will come through soon.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m absolutely enthralled with my BPD bf of a year. We’ve already had the split with him going back to his ex wife and now back with me, but the thing is I refuse to let him have any communication without me around and having input. She’s very manipulative and has been until me. Chad and I have very open and honest conversations and he’s explained a lot to me and I can understand what he’s feeling and why. He has to split then when he’s back we talk through whatever the situation may be and then it feels as if we’ve “leveled up” in our relationship. Please just don’t tell me this cycle last forever
I'm sorry to say this, but he's likely having honest conversations with her too, and when he's with her he believes you're the manipulative one, and so does she. Splitting is an unbelievably interesting phenomenon. It almost seems supernatural. They literally believe what is flooding their brain in that moment is ALWAYS true, so he's not lying when he's with you. It's just that he's also not lying when he's with her.
@@Ben-pd2bxinteresting that you say that! The first comment I made was several months ago, and now I’m in the process of packing to go to a shelter. Not only does he have splits, he’s also a total narcissist and yet again, I clearly hear him and another female talk in the yard and various other places around our house and he adamantly denies having any sort of communication or correspondence with this “female voice”. I have her on video and lots and lots of audio recordings (to prove to myself I wasn’t hallucinating). When he asks to hear something I’ll play him so airy bad quality part, when I have SO MUCH GREAT QUALITY recordings of them laughing, drinking, having sex, talking crap about me, you can even hear their zippers come down. He says I make up my own reality when reality is HE IS A NARCISSIST ASSHOLE that left me in a hospital with NOTHING for TEN DAYS and then didn’t come pick me up 2 hours away from our apartment that he cleaned out while I was in the hospital. This took place in 2022. The same thing began this year around the same time as last time. This time I know I’m not hallucinating because every single medical professional I’ve spoken with says I’m not hallucinating. I also have common sense on the contrary to what he thinks and says. If I am crazy now, it’s bc his ass made me that way! lol. I know was a lot, but if you have any questions please feel free to ask!
Love how some people with bipolar just blame the disorder but are mixing medication with alcohol and drugs losing sleep, being narcissistic lying to people can’t keep their house organized or clean or their car or will actually work on themselves, but everybody else is the problem. It’s deeper than mental illness. My mother has bipolar two I’ve dealt with multiple bipolars my whole life, and what I’ve learned is that these people never admit the wrongs, and the BPD people I’ve had relations with they seem to lack empathy and don’t seem to understand true love, and everything that is involved with love to some is something in exchange. More people need too grow up and own up too there bs and not just blame mental illnesses. When you take the right steps for a positive routine, you will have less toxicity in your life and routine to cause distress and feel insecure. These people do it to themselves. And wonder why there miserable.
I dated a girl with BPD and went through all these stages in just 3 weeks! My god it was intense and exhausting. Sooo much drama for nothing! I have now blocked her on communication channels.
Does anyone know how long it usually takes for the bpd to try to contact you again? I don't want him back but still want to have an idea so I can prepare mentally and emotionally.
I’m finally recovering! ❤ being very aware when I’m splitting - I’ve written a text to myself and I read it then to remember - and of which stage I’m on. Also starting therapy soon. I’m on the recovery stage 6: Acceptance😎, and things are now very relaxed with my partner. ❤ (I just hope we are not on the long stage 1 again….. 🤔😅 nah, and I’d notice if we moved on to the next stage.) Wish you BPD peer sweeties all the best ❤ you are strong, amazing, unique, and can definitely do it!! 😘 Yes, we do nasty things, with the knowledge and skills of that moment - and when we get to know more, things do get better. All it takes is awareness - which is kinda hard with the memory lapses - but eventually it will happen. Recovery statistics tell the rest of the story. ❤️ (After 10 years most of the previously BPD diagnosed people won’t met the criteria anymore.)
To me this behavior sounds like an anxious avoidant trap, I guess there's overlapping behavior between diagnosis. How would you go about spotting the difference between those two cases? Anyhow, your video is appreciated. Thank you.
@@lke4907 take one of the online BPD tests, or look at the 9 DSM criteria. If you have 5 of those traits you might be a Borderline. #1 trait in all Borderlines is fear of abandonment. 2.idealization and devaluation 3.unstable self image 4. feeling of emptiness 5. impulsivity 6. suicidal behavior/self harm 7. unstable mood 8. anger 9. paranoia and dissociation
Isn't this exactly the description of a narcissistic (NPD) person? If you watch the other psychiatrist and psychologist on RUclips this is exactly what they say!
Fell madly in love. She wanted to learn my language and mirror some things. I was really good with her. Little criticism was too much. She did listen when I was assertive. Then one minor thing happens and suddenly she’s distant. I chase her confused because she doesn’t speak about it when upset. Long story short she cheated on me. Asked her why she said I felt I needed to leave but was too attached and that would seal the deal. Broke me to pieces
Not all of us with BPD are so cookie cutter so I hope people get that we need love too and some of us just want to find a person to care for and don’t want to devalue or break up.
Managed to recognize something was off with a girl exhibiting a similar pattern. Got out at a month and a half. Still care about her but it's from a distance
But how can we change? I want so badly to change, to not do this to the person i love. Every time i hurt him i feel such deep pain... I didn´t understand why i did it but a couple of weeks ago i was told by a new therapist that i had bdp traits and it all made sense, now i want to stop it, i don´t want to be this person and i am doing eveything in my power not to be, everyday. Please, what can i do, i dont want to lose the love of my life, i have spent half of my life with him and could never see what i was doing, but now it migh be too late. I don´t know how to explain to him that now i understand, that i'm sorry, that i am willing to do everything in my power to be better for me, and for him. I am in pieces.
my fiancée just got diagnosed with BDP while i’m out of the country, we’ve been together for almost 8 years and we have 2 beautiful kids. Right now i wish i knew she was diagnosed earlier, it feels like everything is my fault and that im trying best to hold on to her, her love for me seems non-existent at this point. Telling me that she will ruin my life etc, i believe she doesn’t mean this, cause i have seen the good in her, it feels like someone else has taken over her mind. i’m so scared of losing her.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging situation. A Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis can bring about a range of emotions and difficulties for both individuals involved. It's important to approach this with sensitivity and understanding.
Why does this description of a BPD person I'm a relationship sound so much like that with a narcissistic person, for instance a covert narcissist? This makes it feel difficult to determine who I was dealing with. And I will totally own my baggage, as I've spent my life as a codependent personality /people pleaser, beginning when I was a child. But I've been working that out for about 7 years now, w/ a ton of progress in recent years. I just can't tell if my ex is a covert N, or has BPD. I do know he has baggage from childhood as well, but has always chosen not to participate in couples counseling nor admit that he actually needs hep or needs to do any inner work of his own.
Narcissists do not experience guilt or remorse. If you ever get a sincere apology, then you can know that it is not a narcissist. A narcissist is never wrong.
Is it okay to stay with a partner with BPD? I love my partner so much but we have suffered from this cycle for 4 years. What does a healthy relationship look like with a person who has BPD?
If they don't take responsibility for their outrageous behavior, don't stay. They need to acknowledge your pain and their role in it. Not just once or twice a year, but there needs to be this consistent understanding.
Please update whatever reference material you're citing; stigma around BPD is rampant, and studies around it are infrequent and precious. The information about needing to hunt love is not accurate at all in regards to BPD. Reactions in relationships involving BPD are commonly motivated by poor/lack of self-image. Parts of the brain like the amygdala and hippocampus are commonly found to be significantly smaller, implying a future full of increased suffering, where emotional pain signals are amplified in those areas. We are incredibly empathetic, and can tell with rapid speed when someone is hiding upset feelings. The amount of pain we feel in day-to-day life is actually more concentrated than it should be, and it lasts much longer. Its common for us to stop feeling anything at all. Rebound relationships aren't a preference or a game. Narcissism is not a required trait when examining a BPD diagnosis. Please spread awareness 🙏 ❤
There is more negative than positive when it comes to these individuals and there relationships it’s best to stay away from them don’t talk to them find someone who is healthy
I've thought of this cyclic behavior as a need for melodrama. After the honeymoon phase most relationships will become steady and predictable. Someone with BPD can't tolerate such a humdrum love life.
No it's mostly from dichotomous thinking (black and white) You are either Prince Charming (white) or Evil Satan (black) no in between. The smallest trigger can cause a Borderline to split on their person and that's the end. The cycle repeats with someone else.
my boyfriend has bpd and right now hes pushed me away and is acting like hes gay after being incredibly attracted to me (a genderfluid person who is normally a woman) for 2 years. he got a boyfriend after only 2 days and im really really worried i want him back. if anyone sees this and wants to please talk to me
I’ve experienced this . People with BPD tend to be flip flop in their behaviour and opinions one minute they say something and the next minute they contradict what they say. People with BPD tend to have inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour and mood swings it’s not easy to tell what mood they are in and I feel I can’t trust what they.If their partner doesn’t do things their way they tend to use manipulation and control to get what they want and their own way from their partner. People with BPD tend to make everything about them and be self centred and narcissistic and deflect the bad situation or break up on their partner instead of taking accountability for their actions. They tend to make false accusations that are part of their delusion and distorted from reality.
I went through this whole thing in three weeks! I was completely confused. Luckily at least when we met she told me she had bpd so at least I was able to find this video for at least some comfort that I didn't do anything wrong.
I am going trough exact same stages with a BPD partner . I love him so much but he never understand. When you were explaining i was thinking like u are saying all the things i have been trough for 5 years . Its hard😢
How to leave this kinda marriage? my husband don't want to leave me, and I'm in 8th year of marriage with him. He don't want to seek help. The only things that stops me is our 2 young kids 😢 he don't allow me to take my kids with me and im not working.
1:1 what happened with my ex. She fails to see that BPD influences her life, decisions, actions etc etc. Im not trying to blame her, but i found that she is unable to see i want her best and blames everythong onto me. Weve broken up 5 times by now although only 2 of those were more than a few hours. 1 of those was 1 month and im currently in the second one. Its 2 or 3 weeks. Still like and maybe even love her. But im done now after 6 months of this
A person I know told me that they were diagnosed with BPD when they were 12. They went through a lot of trauma, foster system, and lots and lots of therapy. Long story short, now they are accusing me of being a computer hacker that stole their social media accounts and a cop. After conducting my own research on BPD, yes, I do believe that this person really is BPD. However, I don't understand the delusions???
Bpd causes delusions, similar to disassociation. they're very skeptical of people and their intentions and they don't have the same sense of reality. for me personally its like solipsism, I don't believe that everyone else exists outside of my mind and I feel like I am dreaming or imagining them-im skeptical of their entire existence rather than their intentions. its a sense of paranoia basically, I either feel like I have imagined everyone or I feel like they do exist but my whole reality is a set up and the people in my life are pulling a prank on me or im being watched by them, like the Truman show if you've seen that. I hope this helps? :))
@@shaironburns9639 Yes, the person always complained of dissociation, feeling like they were dreaming or not real. But I had no other choice, this person was making me feel so unease, they literally trigger my fight or flight response, that I had to go no contact. It was hella weird and scary. They like me, but at the same time they wanna terrorize me. It's like they had an inner psychopath, no offense to you, along with the inner child. It took me a while, but I am beginning to feel better and get back on track with my mission and purpose. I hope the best for you.Thank you.
The 2nd honeymoon stage over here was only 1 day lol. After I saw almost the exact same cycle happening on a faster schedule I finally full no contact and blocked her e everywhere. I feel like i have myself again. Shes no longer in my head 24/7. Its nice to feel like the record is no longer skipping.
im confused if my ex gf is borderline or a narcissist.. maybe a little both but when it came to the discard stage i feel like she was treating me like complete shit so that i would end the relationship so that she can go play victim. i didn't break up with her she dumped me i was just all confused why she treated me like complete shit out of nowhere then says were breaking up, ghosts and then with somebody else a week or 2 later.
In conclusion: If you met someone that's just like your BPD ex, ask them if they have BPD or not. If they have BPD, block them and never ever reach out to them anymore. Demmn. This is traumatizing. I can't even move on. 🤧
doesnt work like this. BPDs are knwo for lying a lot and some are even delusional and negate their obvious BPD or refuse to go to the psych. If you SEE they do any of these things just leave.
People with untreated BPD are soulless, emotionless, void of empathy, no remorse, no guilt, ice cold monsters, just a long line of destroyed people in their wake as they casually move from one victim to the other, like a vampire, having their fun and moving on, leaving someone completely destroyed behind. My undying hatred towards all these vampires.
"Void of empathy" funny you say that bc ppl with BPD are actually some of the most empathetic ppl they are. 😂 And just like @Anonymous Neko said we don't want to live this way. It's not by choice. It's because we've had something so detrimental in our lives happen that we became this way. Unlike bipolar and other mental health conditions it's not inherented. It's something that stems from trauma. This lady did a reallyyyy shit job at explaining it and portrayed the ppl who suffer with BPD as shit ppl when really it's not the case.
@@Emily-bv5lb So true, i've burn so many bridges because of this. If i were to be born again, i just want to be a completely normal individual who really lives their life. And not someone who barely survives day by day.
@@anonymousneko2550 I feel that. I tend to push ppl away from the start in fear I'm gonna hurt them when I switch. I long for that connection but it's not worth damaging someone in order for something I know eventually I'm most likely gonna ruin.
Don't do it. Just don't even bother. You'll mentally fuck yourself up. Relationships with someone with "BPD" is easiest described as the story of the scorpion and the frog. "BPD" being the scorpion. It's also like having a gangrenous leg. You can hope for it to get better... But honestly just cut the fucker off and be done with it.
I try not to date mainly because I suffer from BPD and it’s quite difficult to control those types of devaluing emotions that come out of nowhere. It’s genuinely like a war going on in your brain. Oftentimes it happens with friends, whether it’s a change of plans or something small, they feel like nothing to me. I usually just sit and think for a very long time until I force myself to get over the fact, but even then it still lingers for a while. It’s really a nightmare because I don’t want to hate these people. In fact, they’re incredibly amazing and kind people, but I have to fight with myself constantly to get out of that headspace. Not sure if therapy can actually benefit in situations like this, mainly because I already know what my problems are. But not sure, hopefully this will improve in the future.
My bpd partner is the absolute angel of my life and I see her as the best person ever still after a year of being with them. But I was seeking this video because we unfortunately hit the breakup phase and I'm not handling it well, I'm actually making it worse. She started seeing someone online to give her comfort and I know for a fact she has made that person her "favorite person" and every do just makes her uncomfortable and the problem is she lives with me. We sleep in the same bed and I have to deal with the hell that is trying to get her back by treating her like a princess while also knowing she's intimate with someone else. Im thinking about being the one person that gets her true help and get her into therapy as well as couples therapy. Is this a good direction? I absolutely adore this woman with all my heart and the weight of my past f ups and her complete lack of love is tearing me apart. I just want us to work. I want to marry her.
Ouch. I feel your pain. I would tell you to absolutely move on and try to heal before kids/marriage and the pain is worse, but you might not listen. Did you make actual serious mistakes? Or did they just make you feel that way? Also if she has a new FP for real... you are in a bad spot. Respect and love yourself you deserve better. Also explore any of your own issues, like maybe co dependancy. Sorry if this upsets you good luck
I wish my ex loved me as much as you love your partner. I struggled so hard until the end and even then I struggled a little bit more. It was only when I was forced to take space that he stopped becoming home for me. It’s so heartbreaking I want to die (yes I have bpd, I’ve made six attempts)
Get out now…imagine a friend describing this to you and would you tell them to carry on. It’s painful but you need to end it no one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated
I know you love her, but you're describing codependency. You likely have wounds from your own childhood that have made you believe you have to fix someone who is in distress. Do NOT marry her. Get into therapy urgently and work on yourself hard so you never repeat this pattern with another partner.
I have realized that I may have bpd and I ruined the relationship with the love of my life and it’s irreconcilable. I need help but don’t know how to get it😊
Agree with all of this. I've been having a thing on and off for a couple years with someone I suspect to be BPD, whom I care for and whom I consider to be a close friend. I'm sure everyone here can identify with the idealization and devaluation as well as the rapidity of the mood swings, between an intense feeling of intimacy followed by an apparent complete lack of empathy of caring for you. It's a scary snap. The thing that I've noticed a lot of as well is that there seems to be a lot of what seem like games, though which may not actually be, if that makes any sense. Like, she'll initiate physical intimacy, but then stop and start it repeatedly, and when sex finally does occur, I'm the villain for having taken part in it. I also think she becomes aware of the absurdity and challenge which these games and cycles present, and feels a fair bit of guilt about them, though is unwilling to chat about that, despite my willingness to do so. It's a frustrating, hurtful experience, and it's such a sad thing to admit that we can't help and that we likely at some point are going to have to make an escape from the cycle so as to save our own mental health. Upsetting.
My presuambly BPD ex partner and I were together for a 1 month with intense trauma bonding and love bombing which caused me to fall in love really quickly. But then she start triggering my childhood traumas through her actions or messages which drained her a lot. We had a argument on the last relationship day where I felt she didnt listen to me or understood me so I said "I throw in the towel". She understood that as now you broke up with me and you cant take it back even tho I tried to find a solution the same day because I wasnt ready to give up at all. She blocked me everywhere and I tried to send her a message through my friends phone, sent a letter and some flowers with a note. After some weeks she replied with a text that she would involve the cops if I didnt stop bother her with no warnings at all. I guess thats the devaluing stage right? She went from intense love bombing me to that message which is crazy to me. My question is how common is it they come back and does this sound like BPD person? Sidenote: She told me multiple times she wouldnt leave me and if someone would leave it would be me which I think is because she got childhood trauma with her dad who actually left her as a child.
My last boyfriend was like this. Not malicious just unstable. When he reached devaluing he was polite with it i guess, but I think his overall personality is polite. When he got therapy for something else he realized he was unstable so even if he did try to come back he was more reserved with it. I don't take it personally because he is who he is. Also probably because I've met a narcissist before I learned that not everything is about me lolll some people are just ummm disordered and you should leave them to their problems
Stage 1 Attraction phase- mirroring, honeymoon phase Stage 2 neediness phase - being sensitive to critisim, lots of calls and texts everyday Stage 3 withdraw - seek attention and try to control, manipulate Stage 4- devaluing phase- once u were idealized and now you are devalued. Stage 5 - breakup : disappear w/o informing (ghosting) or may inform. Stage 6 - Repair the relationship. Stage 7 - Repeat second honeymoon phase ( shorter ), idealization, devaluation
Really? Really?!? Because I have BPD and I never broke with my boyfriend. I never did that if anything I was willing to just us down and I still think I… Might be doing that. I just don't like how he doesn't talk about the parts he plays in this
I hate that I am doing this to my boyfriend right now. I don’t know how to stop it. I even stayed single for 5 years coz I wanted to break this pattern but… here I am again, age 42, after an intense honeymoon period I have now withdrawn and I’m completely indifferent to my partner who not long ago I thought was the most amazing man on the planet, now I can only find faults and my feelings are flat. I did not want to do this again 😭😭
My ex wife is a complete BPD. I had no idea until I researched this condition. It was a living hell and a complete emotional roller coaster.
Bro. It's sheer insanity
It's insane how I went through these 7 stages literally step by step... She broke up with me on Valentine's day and immediately got in a new relationship with the guy she was talking to during our relationship. She brought up like 3 past issues that has already been resolved and blamed me for never changing and the reason for her unhappiness. I was just baffled and left in shock, everything was smooth sailing before that, telling me how much she love and appreciates me and then suddenly tells me she despises me. I don't even know what I did wrong. I was extremely self aware in the relationship to avoid stepping on eggshells. I got a good grasp of BPD when she was diagnosed in order for me to properly understand and comprehend her, listening isn't enough. It hurts that all of this was simply a façade. She checked off every box, she was the one until she flipped the switch. Now I know she's doing the same things we used to do with the new guy and it hurts.
I feel ya bro my girl did the same too. Whatever’s happening to us just remember we dont deserve this and we deserve much better. Been telling this myself to move on its been a month now.
@oh tene It has been 21 days for me, the first week was absolute hell because I didn't even know how to react. I texted her three more times just asking how she could cheat on me after telling me she loved me so much and appreciates me on the same day. She told her boyfriend to tell me to screw off and stop harassing her. I don't understand how he could even defend her, it's mind-boggling. But yeah, I know I was an exceptional partner even though she demonize me. Yes, we do man, we deserve respect at the very least. Find some new hobbies bro! Good luck with healing, it'll all be worth it.
Well, she’s doing all the bad stuff to him she did to you. He is not better than you are no matter what she tells you and no matter what she thinks. You and he are equally human. The fights will be over different stuff but their pattern will be the same. And he is doomed to go through what you went through and ultimately feel like what you’re feeling now. Unless the bastard is dumb enough to marry her, of course. They get much worse when that happens. Otherwise, should go through more of them and do the same kind of stuff to them. Meanwhile, you can heal and hopefully learn how not to fall for somebody like that again. they are just not worth the tremendous emotional investment.
@@Hun_Uinaq It's actually so insane... She called her bestie to trash talk me and I was on call with her bestie's boyfriend. After she was done spitting lies, she idealized the new guy and how they're hitting it off and he's the one. Who knows, I had a conversation with him and it just screamed narcissist and I heard that they pair well. I don't see her getting better anytime soon as much as that hurts to say, she's 19 and immature so she has a long way to go. I'm prepared this time and I still believe they deserve to be loved if they make an effort in change. Too bad she projected to me how I NEVER change. Thank you for the response, it has a lot of value to me. Cheers!
Damn, this fucking hurts and it's probably what's happening to me rn. How have you been doing?
I have been destroyed by a boy whom I’m pretty sure has bpd. He has been diagnosed with depression and PTSD but out of the 9 criteria of bpd, he meets all of them. He also did this exact shit with me and I swear, no one knows how destructive and traumatising it is unless themselves went through it.
He was so sweet and took care of me like no one ever did in the begining. He bought me flowers, said things to me that made me feel amazing and consistently told me he loved me. He looked at me as if I was the most beautiful girl in the world, talked proudly about me with his family and friends and he wanted to see me all the time. At one point we were almost living together at his place. I believed our relationship was very strong as we were friends for several years before that, had a great connexion and complicity and supported each other (he cried in my arms and I told him everything about my past). He told me he was doing so much better thanks to me, and for me this love felt like I found the missing pieces of a puzzle. I fell madly in love with him and could not imagine my life without him anymore.
And then came the withdrawal and devaluation phase after our first argument (I got angry because he lied to me). Suddently, he did not want to see me anymore and said he needed time to think. I told him that I was sorry, that I loved him and that I wanted to talk things over with him, but he just avoided the conversation and was cold and dismissive of my feelings. But still, he kept texting me asking how my day was while not seeing me and being distant, even mean sometimes, as if he was still punishing me for the argument. Everytime I asked him what was going on he would become defensive and tell me we were going to speak about it, which of course we never did.
I now realise how abusive this was, but the idealisation phase was so intense and addictive that I lost all respect for myself and waited for him...hoping to get this love back and believing I really did something wrong for his behavior to change so radically. The pain was so great that I just wished I could never ever wake up again. At work I could not help but to check my texts every hour, hoping to receive one from him telling me cute stuff or asking me if I wanted him to pick me up after work, as he did in the beginning. But of course he didn’t and each glance at my phone made me die inside.
Eventually, after three weeks like that we finally met and spend and exciting weekend together, kissing intensely and passionately. There were still mean jokes and comments in between, but he told me about plans together for the next week end and this summer so I was so excited believing things were going back to normal. Only to be discarded via text three days later. I asked him to discuss this face to face but he aggressively refused and said he did not own me anything. He also told me I was lucky he was still nice to me, and when I tried to apologize and explain myself again he said it was too late and that I ruined the relationship. I told him that it was not possible to not love me anymore for an argument if he really did love me and he replied saying ‘’I guarantee you it is’’. Finally, when I told him that I hoped one day he would realise that we really had something special and that it was worth saving, he told me ‘’do not exagerate, it was not that great’’.
I remember crying to my best friend, in shock and confused, saying ‘’it’s like he was two completely different persons’’, wondering where the hell was the man whom I once loved and who had been replaced by a monster. And then I found out he started seeing one of his exes one week after our argument and that he just discarded me after concluding with her. Plus that he lied to me about another ex being dead when she was in fact alive (the source of the argument we had was that he lied to me about blocking her, as later he told me he didn’t because she passed away).
At that point I realized there was more than PTSD going on with him, so I started reading about mental diseases and when I came across bpd everything clicked at once in my mind. It was a huge relief for me me to finally make some sense of what happened to me and know that I am not the crazy one. I am relieved and thankful I got out, even though I still feel so empty and shocked and like I am living life on autopilot. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again after this.
😢 similar situation i just experienced..sorry you are hurting. It will get better.
Thanks
Yes it’s so fucked up, it feels like you fell in love with a scammer... five months later I am doing much better and am happy single with no one to hurt me. But I am still not over it (and it only lasted two months!), it feels like I never will... it’s a good thing you blocked him, it takes a lot of courage so you are on the right track
Wow, your story almost fits exactly mine with my recent ex bf. Same thing, good, he lied, he shut down, he didn't want to talk, I moved out because he was so cold. Then he stopped communicating altogether and I see him on dating apps a week later. This is beyond disrespectful. After years together he can't even say goodbye. We don't deserve this treatment. It's immature and maybe even evil. He can sleep with me and say he loves me and hours later push me away and ignore me and sleep with someone else. I'm honestly disgusted and feel sick to my stomach. I pray I never fall for another bpd or anyone else that can do this. It's almost like they're sociopaths.
I am so sorry you went through this. I had something similar happen to me recently, I resonated with the part of where your ex said don't exaggerate, because the person I was seeing when she flipped everything up said "why are you reacting this way, it didn't last that long". It's really hurtful.
As BPD myself I can tell you she’s totally wrong about the leaving part… we will never leave we will simply make it so miserable that person has to leave us
there’s circumstances you will leave, like if your in a ‘relationship’ which just doesn’t feel like one, and there’s someone else that can fill their role, you will give an ultimatum and leave if they refuse, but you may continue to text that person in hope they change their mind
Not true. I dated someone with BPD for 4 years and he flat out left me well over 100 times. This may not be your course of action, but in general they do leave, and often enough that it's considered a part of the stages.
@@megkristine2870 was you begging for them back? or did they come back?
Agree
She mentions in the video that their partner might be making things too easy for them and it's not what they need to trigger their childhood pain. They need to chase love and hunt it down.
So if their partner isn't supplying it then they'll find it somewhere else.
BPD don't enjoy chasing. Quite the opposite, they never understand that their partner is there loyal and trusting. They will chase an internal illusion that they are not being validated. In the end that might cause their fears to come true.
And how can we help when this happens
Yep
Solutions 😵💫
They’re scared of themselves and cant seem to get ahold of themselves. So they are always scared of others even its a loyal and caring partner. Every little joke or impression that isnt magical or validating, they take as rejection. Every day for them is a dramatic Shakespeare story
@@Frenchy032768 One of the biggest obstacles is that the partner becomes accomplice in the delusion, by believing you can heal the partner by being more supportive. It's important to seek professional support (even if you might have read a lot of theory) The treatment involves a gradual building of trust and emotional resilience, by practicing to see the world in more shades and nuances (dialectical thinking therapy) instead of the distorted black-and-white reasoning that results in emotional rollercoasters. This takes time, and it might be difficult to develop only within a romantic context since it's often part of the core trust issue.
For me, it was a really soul-crushing when we went from intense attraction to me shutting down parts of my personality to sort of mirror their mirroring. I noticed early on she had a very intense sensitivity to the less rosy parts of my persona but I was too emotionally hooked to get out when it became apparent. So I started mirroring her and trying to be "good enough" for her. I'm a fairly emotionally driven person to begin with and I got rid of the last vestiges of rationality in order to survive life with her. When she moved out of my apartment and I got some of my willpower back, every time I would show her the tiniest glimpse of that willpower and occasional prickliness that comes from standing your ground, she would freeze, leave and take a day or two to recuperate.
Oh hell no you had her live In your apartment that’s a no go man!!! Don’t ever bring these individuals to live with you
Damn I feel you, how has life been treating you lately?
This is the exact same experience I had never lived with her and don’t speak to her no more but when their is a situation that needs addressing and I try to bring it up she would do the exact same thing freeze and try and walk away call a Uber actually run it’s so disrespectful but clearly that’s linked to bpd since that girl u was with was doing the same thing you also can’t reason with them or come to a common ground or it’s a full heated argument
Been there
Same experience here
It wasn't until I met my girlfriend with BPD that I truly realized that intelligent and seemingly reasonable women can have a complete parallel reality of truth. The black and white perspective and lack of empathy for others is so striking, as their own pain and feelings are so strong. It's changed my outlook on the world and it's sad to realize that BPD peoples' reality is so real to them, but can be completely false from a healthy and rational perspective. Especially as they can be so intelligent. I can only imagine the pain that people close to BPD sufferers have gone through...
my mum has a daughter with bpd and a husband with it too. she's been through this cycle for over 20 years and ive asked her before how it affects her. she says that yes we say hurtful things and lack empathy and overreact and yes sometimes she feels we hate her, but she says she knows we cant help it and she knows we mean none of it and that the positive side of bpd makes up for it. during an episode we really may lack empathy, but in reality ppl w bpd have a very very strong emotional intelligence and me personally I feel empathy for others as if I was experiencing their pain myself and it genuinely affects my day to day life because ive hyper fixated on how sad the man I walked past last week looked. if I see anyone crying I instantly cry too. we feel severe guilt after our episodes but quite often we act as if we don't feel bad because we don't want to look weak. its very hard to love someone w bpd but I promise we aren't all bad!! so much respect for those who stay with us and care about us through our hard times, so thank you.
@@shaironburns9639 what would you say helps snap you out of a split? My girlfriend lost her mother a month ago and last week she split me likely due to the increased emotional pain she is experiencing. She isn't abusive in any way, she just doesn't want to be around me or talk during the times she splits. Is there anything I can do to reduce the time she'll be in this split with me? I'm not attached, so I'm more than emotionally capable of leaving if I need to. She does show signs of wanting help, although she is unaware that she shows multiple traits of BPD (I finally just now put two and two together). I'd like to do what I can to help her and possibly build a healthier relationship together, but if we're unable to reduce these splits (this is the second one in 2 years) to a week or two and a time I'll have to leave and open myself up for someone who can handle a family one day. Any advice you have is much appreciated.
@@ryanfrank1309 RUN. Get out now before you get sucked in. You won’t fix her. Let me tell you how this is going to go - you will continue to give and give and give and then magically one day you may tell her you are running five minutes late and poof…she vanishes and blocks you. You sit there with such hurt and confusion. She is already abusing you and you are looking for ways to justify it. Stop. She will never be like you. And if you stay she will literally tear your emotional feelings apart. Sounds to me like she already is and being relatively new to this you think it will all subside one day. You definitely do NOT want kids with her. I am 100% serious, this person is not who you are looking for. Save your future and get out NOW! This comes from a survivor…
It’s all around pain and it sucks. Can you imagine feeling things 20x more than normal people. How intense and exhausting that is. And then because of those intense feelings, destroying connections with people you care about over and over and over again. It must be awful.
Being around this behaviour makes you feel insane. I honestly felt that the soul was sucked right outta me by the end. So much pushing and pulling, sometimes on a daily basis. Extremely toxic. I feel for anyone going through this. But bare in mind, mental disorder doesnt take away from the fact that abuse is abuse.
I agree. It does make one feel insane.
Even worse with narcissists.
It's almost like they want company being crazy.
@@benf1111 your statement is priceless
@neveragain733 it's true...I felt like I was going crazy lol
Devaluing stage is 100% accurate. It’s very hurtful to experience and it’s a never ending cycle. I think it’s time to nope out somebody else can deal with it
Yes, eveything is so real. Specially the passive agression to feel validated all the time (push and pull).
The bpd breakup is the worst breakup I’ve ever been through. The most addicting people will just wrench themselves out of your life and blindside you. Lie. Then be with someone else within a week.
There’s no real identity and when they mirror and love bomb us it’s like you have your soul mate. Their ability to split and form a new identity puts us in shock. How can they cheat? How can they ghost? How can they be so evil? Especially when they presented themselves to be so perfect. I do believe there is some identity there but one with capability of changing for periods of time depending who they’re with. It’s sad for all parties but they do have control of their actions.
"wrench themselves out of your life"
is that a saying? to wrench out of something?
Holy fuck been going through this for a year. It’s crazy to hear her tell me thank you for showing me what an actual healthy relationship is. And then puts me through all this. It’s also crazy to hear that maybe this is because she has to hunt unhealthy relationships and since I’m a healthy relationship she sabotages it. It sucks because I love her more than anything and don’t want to let go. But it keeps the cycle going
That will keep happening over and over again man ask yourself is this the “love”I deserve or can I find someone who is better for me.
they will definitely sabotage it lol
@@protostarlux believe me I learned my lesson once and never again would I date anyone with BPD..
Just wondering how your doing man? Wrote you on abolisher's thread.
Holy fk is right!!!!
My mind is blown
I am sorry on behalf of all the BPD people. We don't want to live this way 😭
Yes.. I wish I could just be normal
Just know that everyone is willing to fight for you, even if it doesn't feel that way!
Just know that there is bad people in this world but if u see someone who is genuinely trying to fight for you and put in effort try and listen even though that may be hard for you
You have control over it. You know it’s wrong to mess with people like this.
2:50 is the whole disorder explained. They have severe trauma from childhood.
They love the rollercoaster not the carousel
This video is what I play when I want to get back with my BPD ex partner, it makes me realise that all I am doing is going on a loop again with more suffering and less honeymoon each time... Thank you, this video helps me staying away. I suffered so much at the devaluation stage 💔
Same, even though they are pretty awesome and don't see themselves that way and self manipulate. And it's really hard to let them go, it's maybe for the best.
@@FUCKINGRI0T I wonder if there’s such a thing as being just a little BPD. Or is it always hopeless?
@@ellengrace4609 I'd argue it's never "hopeless" but it has different levels, can probably refer to it as a spectrum of different intensities, for example, to be diagnosed with BPD you need to meet 5 out of 9 of the BPD symptoms , so someone could have 5 in mild intensity, someone else can have 9 in high intensity, sometimes these two people could be the same person but in different periods of their life.
Overall, if the person with BPD is working on their issues and are aware of it, and their partner understands how things work with BPD then the relationship has more chances to not become a living hell, the more mentally stable the non BPD partner is, the more chances for it to work as well.
Once you are in a healthy relationship for a long period of time , many of the BPD symptoms will become less intense but this is something that takes years of hard work and a lot of motivation to make the relationship work.
@@kobi2024 Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am currently enduring the fallout of our breakup and what I now know is the inevitable spiral into a no-win situation. After the breakup, which he insisted was me but absolutely wasn’t, I realized there was something very odd happening. His behavior was so strange. I started reading about BPD and it fits him to a T! This explains so much, including why he broke it off but insists it was me - he got it in his mind that I was going to end it (not even remotely true) so he exploded and ended it first. It also explains why he is now accusing me of things I would never do and never gave him any reason to think I would do. I have been with narcissists in the past and am VERY sensitive to NPD red flags and I run at the first sign. I’m never going through that again! But while some of his behaviors align with NPD, I knew early on that was not him. After ruling that out, I relaxed into the relationship and after a few months of dating (I’ve known him for years) I believed we had a strong, committed relationship. We both said as much to each other often. Until I brought up one concern and everything fell apart.
I realize I’m making an armchair diagnosis, but again, it all fits and makes sense now. The problem is, I doubt he is aware that he may be suffering from this or any mental health issues. Ironically, because of my background, I am very tolerant (probably too tolerant) of these types of issues, so long as the person is working towards recovery. If not, I know better than to waste my time and open myself to that the inevitable emotional abuse. I wish I knew a way to help him become aware and seek therapy. He has ended every relationship he’s ever had, including his family. I see his good side though and like most relationships in this situation, the good times were really good.
Anyway, without his awareness and therapy, I do realize there is sadly no hope.
@@ellengrace4609 Ending it because he thinks you are going to is something I also do (I have BPD) and after self reflection I could tell it is because of fear of abandonment, someone leaving me will hurt me way more than if I end it on my terms because then I am not the one who's "abandoned" but the one abandoning , which is a messed up thing if you think about it, but I do it subconsciously , I do not actively think that this is what I'm doing, and he probably does not either, especially if he really has BPD and is unaware of it.
I think what would do you well is to give him a bit of time for himself and if he doesn't talk to you first then talk to him and explain how things look from your point of view, and suggest him to see a mental health professional, maybe also tell him to read about BPD and see if he finds these things relatable, if he is not willing to work on himself then as you said, I am afraid it's better to leave rather than sink with him, as much as it hurts.
BPD is on a spectrum. When the devaluation starts there’s no coming back . The cycle begin to speed up and those stages got shorter and shorter like as if the walls are closing in on you .She couldn’t take any accountability, everything was my fault, couldn’t talk about our relationship to reconcile or work on it . After 5.5 years I walked away and it was painful. 6 months later she got with some guy and in less than a month they got married and had a baby . They just keep it moving and you are as if you never existed. Life lesson people . To be fair it takes two and something is definitely wrong with you to put up with them and not walk away after a few red flags. ❤
I take partial blame too , but to your cheating comment, no she didn’t cheat because I was with her 24/7 I guess that’s what lead me to leave because I was exhausted, we lived at her place of business, got up at 6 bed at midnight, wake up at, go to work, not all borderlines cheat , I’m not in denial I was with her all day / night if I went out to check the mail dude she would say where was I going .Maybe it happened to you but to say she cheated on me I disagree. Maybe emotional cheating because you can’t know who their messaging but I’m cool now , anyways I heard recently she’s not even with that dude anymore, she tried hoovering with a family member , but now im in a cool relationship with a beautiful woman, not crazy doesn’t flip out , just chill , peace
Shes His problem now and their relationship was about to end the moment it started. There is no hope with an untreated bpd
These type of people are a total mind f*ck. Your best bet is to get out n cut the attachment as soon as they start portraying these behaviors. If you don't you'll be the one suffering the most by the end of it. Most of them know they're toxic in relationships but they don't want to seek help, they'll get a kick out of making you their victim, making you miserable (just like them) n destroying your life in the process. That's how they get their power,thru manipulation and emotional vampirism. They purposely go after Empathic people who may have self esteem issues themselves n who may want to save and take care of them. It's not a symbiotic but more of a parasitic relationship where you'll become their host n they will suck the life out of you n once they feel they have drained you of all your worth, they will move on to the next host n their toxic cycle will repeat. Stay blessed. ✊🏿
im sorry you had such a bad experience with bpd. I promise we aren't all bad. bpd sufferers actually usually have very strong senses of empathy and feel insanely guilty for any upset we cause, it sounds like the experience you have had wasn't purely bpd-or maybe even just a bad person using it as an excuse for abuse. we know when we are out of line and we know that it is our responsibility even if we don't mean it or can't control our outbursts, we still feel awful after and we still go to extreme lengths to make others happy. im very sorry someone has treated you like this, you deserve better, but this really sounds like you had an experience with just a shitty person. im really sorry
@@shaironburns9639 Sounds like their partner may have been a narcissist. I am very familiar with NPD and can spot them a mile away. I am just now learning about BPD. I did see red flags with the man I was recently dating but I was so focused on being sure he wasn’t NPD that when I was comfortable he wasn’t, I started to let my guard down and relax into the relationship. I just brushed off those red flags as him having abandonment issues that were normal because he’s twice divorced. Then about a month ago, I brought up what I thought was a serious issue and legitimate concern for our relationship. He exploded - I’d never seen that level of anger from him before - and accused me of trying to sabotage the relationship and break up with him. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I brought it up so we could address it so that it WOULDN’T break us up. Anyway, he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. After recovering from absolute shock, I’ve been trying to make sense of it all. That’s what led me to realize he seems to have BPD. The more I read, the more I’m sure of it. The thing is, I really wanted our relationship to work and even now I’m not sure I want to give up. But we’re not really communicating. Then I read comments like the one above and I start to wonder if I should even bother trying. 🤷♀️
Fuck everyone in this conversation but the one who said we aint all that bad❤
🤣🤣🤣🤣what you said here im going through rn, she was so loyal and loving but the fights were too much man sometimes even out of nowhere idk why im laughing but i just broke up with her hours ago i was soo confused as to know why she always got angry but now ik shits funny maane..i cut my loses
@@ellengrace4609I agree, sounds more like a narcissist than BPD. Your experience sounds unfortunate and shocking. Hope you're safe from toxic people right now!! 😊
I fell victim to a bpd untreated male no one should have to have experienced such trauma there non functioning can’t do anything for themselves and everything that is yours they feel entitled to and left used and abused and it’s alllll about them no empathy or remorse there’s no excuse for abuse there’s hope if u do dbt therapy they need to quit blaming everyone else for there actions and not going to therapy or manipulating the therapist into your the bad ones and there the victim my ex had 6 therapists and they believed his lies so he continues on that path of destruction it’s actually sad for all involved my ❤️goes out to those who endured this abuse
My experience of dating someone with this was them continually talking about leaving - but then when I eventually said I was done - they acted like I’d abandoned them. It was the most toxic connection of my life. The intense love, and idealisation at the start gets you thinking it’s a soul mate, then the belittling and cruelty as well as the constant mood swings and anger, left me physically unwell. You literally get whiplash from them, will they love or hate me today. Then when you are trying to move on the constant reaching out, blame game, temporary love bombing again and then anger - it’s exhausting. I feel for anyone in this situ.
I had the exact same cycle with my ex-gf. However, BPD and CPTSD is apparently very similar so I am not sure if she had BPD. However, she showed characteristic symptoms very strongly. I got devalued over one simple comment and then eventually next day after a brutal gauntlet of emotions all over the place, during which she belittled and hurt me, she said she wanted to broke up and I also could not continue at that point.
There is a book on bpd called "I hate you, don't leave me" -
I believe it really says it all in nutshell. Hell of an experience to get involved with them.
This is the best video I’ve seen on BPD
And guess what I just received this message from her : Hey I’m gonna distance myself a bit, I just wanted to let u know so you don’t think I went ghost. This is a part where I have to be completely patient calm and not go into panic mode or take anything personally because I know she’s having a mental break right now she feels overwhelmed.
Yeah sounds like she had someone and was just keeping you on hook 🪝 waiting while she took care of what ever.
@@cjd5255 these individuals could never have a stable relationship when there own emotions are unstable
This is healthy communication. Good job to both of you!
I feel that she's communicating n this is fine. Nothing wrong to as it seems, everyone needs some space
@@alphacenturi1874 she ended up cheating on her boyfriend of one 1 year with me these past couple months also it’s been 2 weeks now no contact definitely feel much better and relieved I felt this pressure when I was around her it was like I was being choked.
I have some traits of bpd and I don't claim to know everything about it but my experience with the leaving stage isn't because I'm not challenged or I need to go on a "hunt", that's actually very weird to me. I have times where I'm unhappy and my partner is clearly unhappy and I think the best way to show my love is to leave so that they can have a chance of some happiness.
Next time you feel that way maybe tell them that's what you are thinking and ask them what they think is best.
Yes, these things do happen, not necessarily in phases like this, but not necessarily because the person with BPD is doing it on purpose or planning these things. There is an intense sense of desperation and pain going on in these people that make them behave this way. They are really are afraid of losing you and being alone which causes clinginess and codependency. When they shut you out it is either because of splitting, which is part of the disorder, not something they are consciously doing, where they can go from seeing something or someone as all good or all bad, or they are seeing themselves as being all bad and trying to push you away to try to save you. The threats of suicide are out of desperation and are sometimes real. 1 out of 10 people with BPD do take their own lives. Best way I have heard it put is it's like an emotional burn victim. Emotions are extremely sensitive.
So what? Who cares? Screw them. Empathy is wasted on such people. They don’t care. They will hurt you, and hurt you, and hurt you and, while you were sitting there in emotional agony, they will want to justify their behavior and act like they are actually the ones that are the victim. No. I’m tired of it. I’m sick of it. Never again. 15 years is more than enough time wasted. I will never get those years back. And now, she’s doing it to my children along with the poor hapless bastard she has hoovered as her new partner. When I get my kids, I often have to spend the first 24 hours undoing damage she is causing. No, when it comes to BPD people, damn them and the horse they rode on
Thank you for being objective and humane about pwBPD. All too often we are stigmatized as though we all act the same way. Like anyone we are individuals and present differently. You worded better than I could and more humanly than the psychologist who made this video. We can cause chaos and hurt people but it’s not necessarily intentional. More splitting out of fear or rejection sensitivity. Much respect to you 👍
Mine ex constantly threatened suicide, stole my gun off the counter, ate handfuls of prescription pills in front of me to get a rise out of me
Stop trying to justify this behaviour. Manipullating and using people is not something you don't chose to do
I felt myself get defensive, then I stopped and tried to apply what she said to something in my life that wasn't so obvious, that could be easily mistaken as affection but it's really control, and she's totally and completely right. Once I removed my narc fiance from the scenarios, I realized I'd have done the same thing had he not even been there. That I'm driving him to not even want to get help. That I was causing just as much chaos for him as he was for me. I used his behavior as an excuse for my own..... This is eye opening for damn sure
Jesus, I wish I had known all this in my 20’s. Spent 5-1/2 years with a GF with BPD.
She was very emotionally abusive and completely dismissive of my feelings and it was more off than on.
And she always dumped me because she “had to find out about someone”. Always a new guy, almost immediately after breakup.
Idealization, devaluation, over and over. Broke my heart over and over.
This is very accurate to my experience. My BPD ex told me she had my diagnosed with BPD after her previous relationship but that her therapist said it was just ‘temporary.’ And yet she showed all these stages. The devaluing was the hardest. She was so critical and mean over very small things. The withdrawal was hard too. It was all very confusing.
You're not alone, it's hard for both sides.
How are you doing now?
did she ever unblocked you?
Excellent video on the cycles that occur in relationships in which one individual has BPD. You shed some light on this topic for people without BPD who are seeking to understand why being in a relationship with someone suffering from this disorder is so confusing and aggravating. Thank you!
To be frank, this pattern concerns fairly many normal relationships unaffected by any emotional pathologies or personality disorders: you fall in love, idealize the other, find first cracks, perhaps get hurt or disappoined, get back together, briefly work on things, then realize your previous instinct was right all along and people really dont change... Is that so foreign? It can also be affected by Being reckless or temperamental and chaotic doesnt make you a borderliner - also being dumped or cheated on or devalued doesnt mean your ex had BPD and you are, oh how convenient, totally not to blame.
I am living with a wife with BPD for 10 years. What makes the difference is the sheer frequency and scale in terms of lack of emotional stability. Normal people typically value their long-term relationships quite a lot and it takes them quite some time to make the move and break up, at which point they are sure and convinced they mean. A person with BPD will promise eternal love in the evening, state that she is SURE this time and wants to buy a house together and have kids this year, in the morning she will be moody, bitter and eventually explode in anger and tell you you make her want to vomit, you are the worst person she ever met and wants to leave straight away. And this repeats itself like 10 times a month. Day after they would have no clear recollection of this and probably ask for an apology because you were mean and provoked them.
The more I learn about BPD, the less I feel I understand it. Scared of abandonment, yet leave relationships because it's too easy? Can't handle being ignored, but operate in ways that make it hard or ill advised to give attention to them for fear they'll continue with that sort of behavior.
You can tell somebody exactly what they need to do to get attention, and they may not listen, yet get mad when they're ignored. Makes no sense to me personally
Hi, I have bpd and I just want to reassure you that we ourselves don't understand it. sometimes I want someones full attention, but others I feel smothered by attention and I want to be alone. its very confusing and we don't know why we feel this way either. one day I can be madly in love and the other I just want to be alone. its confusing af and we do feel a lot of guilt for the confusion and hurt we cause others. so don't worry, we don't even understand ourselves hahahah
@@shaironburns9639 Yeah I can imagine it's hard. Hopefully my comment didn't come off as rude
It’s close to psychosis, so yes, it doesn’t make sense because it’s nuts.
I’m in an on and off relationship currently with someone with BPD. And i feel it’s even more emotional because it is a lesbian relationship. Currently in the 6th stage, she said she didn’t want to see me ever again and didn’t ask to see me for weeks, but still always messaged me and popped up at my job/bars we both go to when she knew I’d be there. Spent days together and felt like we were in love again, now she needs “space” and wants to leave town for weeks. The problem is that I truly love her, and am very understanding and helpful of mental health issues as I am a psychology grad student. I went back to her after everyone told me not to and she had been verbally abusive towards me. Truly don’t know what to do in this situation, on one hand I love her and she makes me feel a way I haven’t felt in years even with other partners, but another part of me thinks it’s best for me and her to let her go. Honestly could use some advice on this situation.
Run
I think that if you learn to "hold" your energy out of reach instead of spilling it eagerly in either a push or pull moment, you may stand a chance. It's the energy release that feed the drama monster.
I don't fully know how to describe it, but it's sort of like half grey-rocking, all the time. It's like being emotionally stern, and tbh the issue here is that they don't know what parents/parenting look like. And you're the one they're attaching to to try to get a do over.
This attitude dramatically lessened the bouts with a previous relationship of mine, she became almost normal when we practiced diverting away from the default behaviour of intellectual tantruming.
i'm also in a wlw relationship with someone with BPD. at a pretty bad stage with her right now. how's it going for you now? how long have you guys been on and off for?
Find a meb
Love your video. Damn accurate. A couple things: the break up feels absolutely heartbreaking in large part because by that time, you will have given so much of yourself and you will have put up with so much from them thinking that they love you when the whole time, it’s very shallow. Another thing that makes it heartbreaking is that you’re sitting there hurting for a while after the break up only to find out that your ex has moved on literally from one day to another as if you never existed. They can jump right into another long-term relationship seemingly from one day to another and swear up and down that this person is just absolutely the right person for them. They are basically everything you’re not. Obviously, this is long after the devaluation has begun with you. I’ve never encountered anybody else who could just seemingly switch on their emotions and switch them off so effortlessly. It’s because it’s an act. They don’t really feel it. They just know what it looks like and they do their best to mimic it.
I went through this for 5 years, I’m a problem solver I made charts, notes, results percentages etc. I broke it down to a science and she HATED me for it. The moment I started to see the patterns, she took it as me saying its ALL YOURE at fault. I wasn’t on the contrary realized then that I was also a piece to this never ending repetitive pattern, everything is on point except for the leaving part, they don’t leave, they make it clear you can always come back and save this, instead they will make it so miserable to the point where you have to leave. But this is 95% correct, please please pay attention to the red flags mentioned. I always told myself I wish I could of met her again, I truly love her but I also love myself and those a relationship with a BPD is a never ending emotionally chaotic roller coaster. I tried for 5 years, it never changed ESPECIALLY is they’re refusing to acknowledge they even gave an issue. You will always be the reason they have uncontrollable emotions.
Why is it that the hunt is so important for them? I felt like my ex obsessively chased me for months and when I finally told her I was committed to making our relationship work that’s when she flipped into not being sure if she wanted a relationship
It validates them because they don't have a core self. They're empty inside so they are constantly seeking that perfect parent they never had as a child aka "FP" or "Favorite Person" Once you hear that term. RUN!
As someone with BPD, it’s crazy to make sense of it, but I find myself to behave that way despite consciously knowing that it is not normal. It seems like the default mode for BPD is sadness and emptiness. And when we get love or enrichment in life, we question if we deserve it. And when it is taken away (a small mistake or small thing that is perceived as abandoning us BPD), we retract and find another “worthy” person to be with. It’s tiring living in such condition that you know is wrong but you cannot escape. I wonder if there is truly recovered BPD or we are meant to be miserable all of our lives.
@theonlydjtopcat my ex literally would tell me I was their favorite person and they checked off a bunch of boxes for bpd. It's kind of funny how they literally use the term favorite person.
She chased and got what she wanted but it makes her feel empty inside because what she really wanted was for you to show how much you wanted her without her having to chase. The decision to chase and the win from that is like a consolation prize, but all she probably really wanted was to see unconditional love from you
My ex would break up with me every night then expect me to beg her to come back the same night. After letting her do that abd manipulate me too many times I started to stand up for myself and it went south fast with me being assaulted and bitten as she tried to break into my apartment and confront or assault the new girl I was talking with l. Ended with her arrest and a restraining order it still haunts me today
"My ex would break up with me every night then expect me to beg her to come back the same night." LMAOOO so true
@@mranon42023bro have you ever dealed with a BPD before? Because i have and his story seems very credible
I just put a restraining order on mine because he refused to sign off the lease even tho he moved 2 hours away. Just so he could come and go when he pleases? No thank you. I am not okay tho. Been crying a lot. But I will survive.
And the Cycles go harder and harder every time, faster and faster, until she's breaking up with you two, three times a week
Damn. I hopped out when it was every other week. 😢
I just got out of a relationship that lasted a little over a year, I was beyond good to her. I was very confused on why she left, I couldn’t wrap my mind around it, it was driving me crazy. I started thinking she was a female narcissist, but after watching this video, every step made more and more. I’m no doctor, but I’m certain she has BPD.
There are 2 things I noticed that’s she did a little different, towards the end she made the relationship completely miserable and made be believe all of this was my fault, but would continue to string me along…..it wasn’t until she found someone else to replace me that then it was completely over. Which at this point she still tried to string me along telling me she still loved me and couldn’t get over me. At that point I said stop the ride I WANNA GET OFF. hope this helps someone.
Jesus! This is verbatim what has just happened to me... A psychologist friend of mine said I might have met a BPD girl and to watch this. I cannot believe this is exactly what happened to me! I still can't get over her, I still love her... I cannot believe this.
I still love her so much, it hurts me to know she is dealing with this and I can't help her. I'll never confront her about this, but I am so crushed right now. I don't know what to do. I just can't move on from her. She broke up with me 2 times, stood me up once, told me to "fuck off" out of anger when I was just talking to her, was afraid of me leaving her, and then went to "we should just be friends". Even after the first night, I slept over at her place, the following day she cried to me and said "I don't want to hurt you". Then the relationship changed dramatically!! No more "I love you" texts, no more "I miss you" texts, she would always text me and then it went to me always texting her. And this happened to me 8 months prior I was seeing a girl who was gaslighting me!
It's wired, when I look back on it. I meet her once and made a joke about her work, after telling her for weeks how I think she is so amazing and her job is so cool. She got really upset about it. And she laughed at the time! But when she got home she told me how it hurt her. She sent a message telling me the night we had together didn't match up with the romantic texts we sent each other leading up to it. And I was like "But I am that guy in the texts!". Now I see the signs, it makes so much sense.
... I'm so lost right now. I feel used. I have no one to turn to and I still love her so much.
I'm sorry you are going through this...maybe she doesn't know she has bpd, if you really love her, try to help her get help and promise to be with her through it all
@@Daniel-A47 I wish I could. It's really over now. But I'm spending my time on my degree now. She's a beautiful person, but she is dealing with demons that are out of my wheelhouse of knowledge or control.
My friend, you're telling us this has happened to you twice. Here's the thing, and this may be painful: You are a part of this dynamic. It's not just her. Healthy people would react to someone wanting to sleep with you on the first night and saying something like that as being a red flag. You saw it as a romantic challenge. You need to go to therapy, and you need to figure out why you participated in something like this, and why it's so addictive for you. I am not judging you. I have the same problem. Focus on yourself. Get into therapy and STAY in therapy.
This video was 100% what happened to me. My ex 30f and I 40m broke up with me 5 months ago for me drinking too much and not bettering my career which is valid. I’ve since quit drinking and looking for a job and we agreed to keep talking and try and mend things. She keeps going back and forth with saying she will take steps back into coming home then backing off again. Hot and cold. Things were looking up a bit after giving her space then she got overwhelmed and from talking to me every day, back to maybe once the past week. During our 5 year relationship she improved a lot with getting therapy and things were great for years! Getting help, helped her and then a catalyst just set her into a spiral into “independence “ aka running away temporarily or until I decide I’m done but for now I haven’t given up
I love someone who pushed me away. It happened EXACTLY as you described. Like you said, I want to help and support them, but I get so hurt when they stop talking.
Same as here
I Found myself broken at the devaluing stage, I got told I am nothing, out of nowhere nearly, It was harsh on me because I already suffered from low self-esteem. for me it was just another Sunday, Staying up all night defending myself over texts because she refuses to call or see me, She already was idolizing someone new. I Kinda Knew, still loved her though, and after a few hours of back and forth, She drops it on me, She doesn't love me and I am not her problem anymore... she doesn't care for me. I didn't know what was happening and my world fell apart, I kept getting blocked and unblocked for a month or so, I kept getting mixed signals of being pet named to being told "I don't care for your existences" , I gave up and backed up, and she seems to do so too...then she came back again... Until my therapist told me that she has BPD and I was suffering from her abuse.
i went into therapy because i have developed codependent tendencies on her because of my low self-esteem, I loved saving, I loved being the guy she ran to every time something went wrong, made the Ol self-esteem better...
This resonates more than you can imagine. Just got out of a relationship with someone with undiagnosed BPD/narcissistic personality and this hit home. It got to a point where combined with the gas lighting, I actually starting to think I was the abuser even though I was being abused. Multiple instances of cheating but me thinking it would be different, multiple bar nights till 4am, multiple fights. The nonsense never ended. I could always tell when she was gonna go distant or do something bad when I looked in her eyes, it was like I wasn’t even human.
@@smartparts147 Thank you for sharing and I am so so sorry that you had to go through that. I could happly link you a couple of studies that shows the negative effects BPD on their partner. They are famous for making the other SO feel crazy. In fact most people catch the habits of PWBPD and end up hurting themselves even more after the relationship is over. She is not a monster, she is not developed emotionally as a neurotypical person, she doesn't know any better, she can't go untreated because...yeah... self damage is high and even high functioning silent BPD end up broken without treatment. Don''t blame yourself too hard, you can't help those who don't want to help themselves. Take care of your mental health and don't let her mental fleas infect you, and if they have, go seek therapy. it's going to be okay.
I feel like I'm experiencing the same. She is sensitive to what I say, and as much as I want to work on things and talk it out, she doesn't want any of it. She just walks out. It's difficult too because when she runs to confide in me, I can't figure what she wants, nor know what she wants. Everything I do just seems wrong. That said we definitely did have happy moments. The volatility is killing me, I want to be there and help her but she seems to prefer her own space now
@@alphacenturi1874 you can't help someone like that I promise. you can learn about the behavior patterns to recognize them in future relationships, but that is beyond simple talks between a couple.
We have all been exactly where you are at currently bro don’t feel like you are alone with this honestly the best thing you can do is block her on everything only keep what is necessary in case she tries to accuse you of some false allegations but other than that move on with your life find someone healthy. Think of this as a learning lesson since you now know what to expect in the future if the love is too quick then question it you just gained boundaries and self esteem by being in that situationship.
Being around someone with BPD is vile probably the worst time you can have, you are always walking on eggshells
Is it common for someone with BPD to experience intense obsessions with someone they admire? Or even an enemy? Copying what they do. Liking the same things they like. Dressing like them etc. Could go hand in hand with struggling with identity. Anybody else or know anybody else with this issue?
I have BPD, and an unstable sense of self and “swallowing” someone else is quite common for me and those I know. We don’t really know who we are; constantly in flux between one thing to the next. Obsessions are very easy to develop. When we like someone, we can very much become enthralled by them. There’s a term called “favorite person” (otherwise known as our “FP”), where there’s only one person in the world that matters: our FP. They become our source of happiness and validation. It’s very common.
@@acwesty yes the FP! Which goes from favorite person, to favorite punching bag in the blink of an eye when a split happens.
As someone with BPD we maybe bored of regular relationships but we do not leave if we are getting effection we want that love and dedication we will not leave no we won't we get that that's love we just sometimes may say we are if we feel you never cared or don't
Borderlines fall on a wide spectrum, what you do may be different from another. But at the core your biggest fear is abandonment, or you are not a Borderline period.
For me the devaluation part only came out in public. I had this weird thing where when we were alone I completely idolized him but when there were others around I was very on guard and ready to fight him. There were moments I genuinely despised him, "he's such a know it all" "he acts so confident". It was absolutely ridiculous because I knew that I loved him and I didn't understand why I had all these negative thoughts about him. I ended up telling him about it all and apologizing, telling him that I didn't actually believe that stuff but my anger just bubbles to the surface.
I really hate the things I did. I tried my best to pull them back when I could so I wasn't outright awful to him, just kinda bitter at times.
I am absolutely certain I have undiagnosed BPD. Listening to this and looking at my relationship history, I see the pattern. I'm the common denominator. Thankfully, I have been referred for assessment to ascertain if I do have BPD, but I really feel the conclusion will be that I have. Looking back at my life, it makes total sense to me.
I doubt you have the full blown disorder. You may just have borderline traits. You’re very lucky if that is the case. The full blown disorder is much harder to treat. The reason I say that I doubt you have it is that they have a very difficult time with introspection such as your comment demonstrates you have done. Most of them can’t do what you did. Anyone who tries to make them do it often triggers the rage or makes them cry. It’s very closely related to narcissism. They can’t face the possibility that they may be broken like that. There’s a spoonful of hope for you to go with your cup of despair. good luck.
@philomelodia going by that issue alone, I would agree. Unfortunately, that's not an isolated issue. I am hopeful my assessment will come through soon.
@2010sKilledMusic not yet, no. I'm told it takes 3 months or more to be booked in.
@@lavenderfae8585 How bout now?
Good for you. Much respect for your openness.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m absolutely enthralled with my BPD bf of a year. We’ve already had the split with him going back to his ex wife and now back with me, but the thing is I refuse to let him have any communication without me around and having input. She’s very manipulative and has been until me. Chad and I have very open and honest conversations and he’s explained a lot to me and I can understand what he’s feeling and why. He has to split then when he’s back we talk through whatever the situation may be and then it feels as if we’ve “leveled up” in our relationship. Please just don’t tell me this cycle last forever
It does.
This cycle lasts forever. Just leave
The cycle never ends. It will drive you mad. Run or have your soul sucked out of you.
I'm sorry to say this, but he's likely having honest conversations with her too, and when he's with her he believes you're the manipulative one, and so does she. Splitting is an unbelievably interesting phenomenon. It almost seems supernatural. They literally believe what is flooding their brain in that moment is ALWAYS true, so he's not lying when he's with you. It's just that he's also not lying when he's with her.
@@Ben-pd2bxinteresting that you say that! The first comment I made was several months ago, and now I’m in the process of packing to go to a shelter. Not only does he have splits, he’s also a total narcissist and yet again, I clearly hear him and another female talk in the yard and various other places around our house and he adamantly denies having any sort of communication or correspondence with this “female voice”. I have her on video and lots and lots of audio recordings (to prove to myself I wasn’t hallucinating). When he asks to hear something I’ll play him so airy bad quality part, when I have SO MUCH GREAT QUALITY recordings of them laughing, drinking, having sex, talking crap about me, you can even hear their zippers come down. He says I make up my own reality when reality is HE IS A NARCISSIST ASSHOLE that left me in a hospital with NOTHING for TEN DAYS and then didn’t come pick me up 2 hours away from our apartment that he cleaned out while I was in the hospital. This took place in 2022. The same thing began this year around the same time as last time. This time I know I’m not hallucinating because every single medical professional I’ve spoken with says I’m not hallucinating. I also have common sense on the contrary to what he thinks and says. If I am crazy now, it’s bc his ass made me that way! lol. I know was a lot, but if you have any questions please feel free to ask!
Love how some people with bipolar just blame the disorder but are mixing medication with alcohol and drugs losing sleep, being narcissistic lying to people can’t keep their house organized or clean or their car or will actually work on themselves, but everybody else is the problem. It’s deeper than mental illness. My mother has bipolar two I’ve dealt with multiple bipolars my whole life, and what I’ve learned is that these people never admit the wrongs, and the BPD people I’ve had relations with they seem to lack empathy and don’t seem to understand true love, and everything that is involved with love to some is something in exchange. More people need too grow up and own up too there bs and not just blame mental illnesses. When you take the right steps for a positive routine, you will have less toxicity in your life and routine to cause distress and feel insecure. These people do it to themselves. And wonder why there miserable.
BPD is borderline personality disorder, not bipolar disorder
That is the most accurate way I have ever heard it described thank you so much for putting into words
I dated a girl with BPD and went through all these stages in just 3 weeks! My god it was intense and exhausting. Sooo much drama for nothing! I have now blocked her on communication channels.
I normally can’t shut up, but you’ve left me speechless. I just had his stuff ubered, I wasted no time.
Now I gotta heal, ugh
Sorry to hear this.
Does anyone know how long it usually takes for the bpd to try to contact you again? I don't want him back but still want to have an idea so I can prepare mentally and emotionally.
I’m finally recovering! ❤ being very aware when I’m splitting - I’ve written a text to myself and I read it then to remember - and of which stage I’m on. Also starting therapy soon. I’m on the recovery stage 6: Acceptance😎, and things are now very relaxed with my partner. ❤
(I just hope we are not on the long stage 1 again….. 🤔😅 nah, and I’d notice if we moved on to the next stage.)
Wish you BPD peer sweeties all the best ❤ you are strong, amazing, unique, and can definitely do it!! 😘
Yes, we do nasty things, with the knowledge and skills of that moment - and when we get to know more, things do get better. All it takes is awareness - which is kinda hard with the memory lapses - but eventually it will happen.
Recovery statistics tell the rest of the story. ❤️
(After 10 years most of the previously BPD diagnosed people won’t met the criteria anymore.)
So happy to hear this!
To me this behavior sounds like an anxious avoidant trap, I guess there's overlapping behavior between diagnosis. How would you go about spotting the difference between those two cases?
Anyhow, your video is appreciated. Thank you.
I'm wondering the same exact thing. I'm a fearful avoidant, but now I'm wondering if I have bpd.
@@lke4907 take one of the online BPD tests, or look at the 9 DSM criteria. If you have 5 of those traits you might be a Borderline. #1 trait in all Borderlines is fear of abandonment. 2.idealization and devaluation 3.unstable self image 4. feeling of emptiness 5. impulsivity 6. suicidal behavior/self harm 7. unstable mood 8. anger 9. paranoia and dissociation
Isn't this exactly the description of a narcissistic (NPD) person? If you watch the other psychiatrist and psychologist on RUclips this is exactly what they say!
npd and bpd are in the same cluster of disorders for a reason
@@jaiforde3044 just learned that recently. Was pretty floored 🤯
Fell madly in love. She wanted to learn my language and mirror some things. I was really good with her. Little criticism was too much. She did listen when I was assertive. Then one minor thing happens and suddenly she’s distant. I chase her confused because she doesn’t speak about it when upset. Long story short she cheated on me. Asked her why she said I felt I needed to leave but was too attached and that would seal the deal. Broke me to pieces
Omg
@@nabman7425did that happen to u too?
Not all of us with BPD are so cookie cutter so I hope people get that we need love too and some of us just want to find a person to care for and don’t want to devalue or break up.
experience i could have done without -but she gone and i am healing slowly 🥰
Managed to recognize something was off with a girl exhibiting a similar pattern. Got out at a month and a half. Still care about her but it's from a distance
Well done for getting out.
But how can we change? I want so badly to change, to not do this to the person i love. Every time i hurt him i feel such deep pain... I didn´t understand why i did it but a couple of weeks ago i was told by a new therapist that i had bdp traits and it all made sense, now i want to stop it, i don´t want to be this person and i am doing eveything in my power not to be, everyday. Please, what can i do, i dont want to lose the love of my life, i have spent half of my life with him and could never see what i was doing, but now it migh be too late. I don´t know how to explain to him that now i understand, that i'm sorry, that i am willing to do everything in my power to be better for me, and for him. I am in pieces.
my fiancée just got diagnosed with BDP while i’m out of the country, we’ve been together for almost 8 years and we have 2 beautiful kids. Right now i wish i knew she was diagnosed earlier, it feels like everything is my fault and that im trying best to hold on to her, her love for me seems non-existent at this point. Telling me that she will ruin my life etc, i believe she doesn’t mean this, cause i have seen the good in her, it feels like someone else has taken over her mind. i’m so scared of losing her.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging situation. A Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis can bring about a range of emotions and difficulties for both individuals involved. It's important to approach this with sensitivity and understanding.
Why does this description of a BPD person I'm a relationship sound so much like that with a narcissistic person, for instance a covert narcissist? This makes it feel difficult to determine who I was dealing with. And I will totally own my baggage, as I've spent my life as a codependent personality /people pleaser, beginning when I was a child. But I've been working that out for about 7 years now, w/ a ton of progress in recent years. I just can't tell if my ex is a covert N, or has BPD. I do know he has baggage from childhood as well, but has always chosen not to participate in couples counseling nor admit that he actually needs hep or needs to do any inner work of his own.
Narcissists do not experience guilt or remorse. If you ever get a sincere apology, then you can know that it is not a narcissist. A narcissist is never wrong.
They overlap.
How can you break the cycle?
You can't. A borderline is simply damaged. The best thing you can do is run. Run far, run fast, and stay away.
Is it okay to stay with a partner with BPD? I love my partner so much but we have suffered from this cycle for 4 years. What does a healthy relationship look like with a person who has BPD?
If they don't take responsibility for their outrageous behavior, don't stay. They need to acknowledge your pain and their role in it. Not just once or twice a year, but there needs to be this consistent understanding.
Please update whatever reference material you're citing; stigma around BPD is rampant, and studies around it are infrequent and precious. The information about needing to hunt love is not accurate at all in regards to BPD. Reactions in relationships involving BPD are commonly motivated by poor/lack of self-image. Parts of the brain like the amygdala and hippocampus are commonly found to be significantly smaller, implying a future full of increased suffering, where emotional pain signals are amplified in those areas. We are incredibly empathetic, and can tell with rapid speed when someone is hiding upset feelings. The amount of pain we feel in day-to-day life is actually more concentrated than it should be, and it lasts much longer. Its common for us to stop feeling anything at all.
Rebound relationships aren't a preference or a game. Narcissism is not a required trait when examining a BPD diagnosis.
Please spread awareness 🙏 ❤
There is more negative than positive when it comes to these individuals and there relationships it’s best to stay away from them don’t talk to them find someone who is healthy
@@abolisher
Thanks. I'm the one with BPD.
@@user-bp6fd9ve3o ive been in dbt for over 10 years, yeah.
So toxic! What about the ones that are extremely envious? Is that a part of bpd or are some also narcissists and not just borderline?
I've thought of this cyclic behavior as a need for melodrama. After the honeymoon phase most relationships will become steady and predictable. Someone with BPD can't tolerate such a humdrum love life.
No it's mostly from dichotomous thinking (black and white) You are either Prince Charming (white) or Evil Satan (black) no in between. The smallest trigger can cause a Borderline to split on their person and that's the end. The cycle repeats with someone else.
my boyfriend has bpd and right now hes pushed me away and is acting like hes gay after being incredibly attracted to me (a genderfluid person who is normally a woman) for 2 years. he got a boyfriend after only 2 days and im really really worried i want him back. if anyone sees this and wants to please talk to me
What about now
@@alwaysabiggafish3305 thanks for checking in he came back and we're fine now i convinced him to go into therapy his first day is on wednesday
@@growskull. How are things working out with bf and therapy etc.?
@@timpulver5932 we're still good friends but we decided to stop dating since we were going opposite ways in life. we both have new partners
I’ve experienced this . People with BPD tend to be flip flop in their behaviour and opinions one minute they say something and the next minute they contradict what they say. People with BPD tend to have inconsistent and unpredictable behaviour and mood swings it’s not easy to tell what mood they are in and I feel I can’t trust what they.If their partner doesn’t do things their way they tend to use manipulation and control to get what they want and their own way from their partner. People with BPD tend to make everything about them and be self centred and narcissistic and deflect the bad situation or break up on their partner instead of taking accountability for their actions. They tend to make false accusations that are part of their delusion and distorted from reality.
I went through this whole thing in three weeks! I was completely confused. Luckily at least when we met she told me she had bpd so at least I was able to find this video for at least some comfort that I didn't do anything wrong.
Sorry to hear you went through that and glad you found the video helpful.
I am going trough exact same stages with a BPD partner .
I love him so much but he never understand. When you were explaining i was thinking like u are saying all the things i have been trough for 5 years .
Its hard😢
How to leave this kinda marriage? my husband don't want to leave me, and I'm in 8th year of marriage with him. He don't want to seek help. The only things that stops me is our 2 young kids 😢 he don't allow me to take my kids with me and im not working.
Wats difference between this and thecrelationship with a Covert Narc female....
Why do people with BPD all seem to follow the same pattern of behaviour? It’s so weird. Almost like they are reading from a movie script.
And then when you break up with them, they act completely shocked and cry.
1:1 what happened with my ex. She fails to see that BPD influences her life, decisions, actions etc etc. Im not trying to blame her, but i found that she is unable to see i want her best and blames everythong onto me. Weve broken up 5 times by now although only 2 of those were more than a few hours. 1 of those was 1 month and im currently in the second one. Its 2 or 3 weeks. Still like and maybe even love her. But im done now after 6 months of this
A person I know told me that they were diagnosed with BPD when they were 12. They went through a lot of trauma, foster system, and lots and lots of therapy. Long story short, now they are accusing me of being a computer hacker that stole their social media accounts and a cop. After conducting my own research on BPD, yes, I do believe that this person really is BPD. However, I don't understand the delusions???
Bpd causes delusions, similar to disassociation. they're very skeptical of people and their intentions and they don't have the same sense of reality. for me personally its like solipsism, I don't believe that everyone else exists outside of my mind and I feel like I am dreaming or imagining them-im skeptical of their entire existence rather than their intentions. its a sense of paranoia basically, I either feel like I have imagined everyone or I feel like they do exist but my whole reality is a set up and the people in my life are pulling a prank on me or im being watched by them, like the Truman show if you've seen that. I hope this helps? :))
@@shaironburns9639 Yes, the person always complained of dissociation, feeling like they were dreaming or not real. But I had no other choice, this person was making me feel so unease, they literally trigger my fight or flight response, that I had to go no contact. It was hella weird and scary. They like me, but at the same time they wanna terrorize me. It's like they had an inner psychopath, no offense to you, along with the inner child. It took me a while, but I am beginning to feel better and get back on track with my mission and purpose. I hope the best for you.Thank you.
@@shaironburns9639 again, no disrespect or offense to you :)
The 2nd honeymoon stage over here was only 1 day lol. After I saw almost the exact same cycle happening on a faster schedule I finally full no contact and blocked her e everywhere. I feel like i have myself again. Shes no longer in my head 24/7. Its nice to feel like the record is no longer skipping.
im confused if my ex gf is borderline or a narcissist.. maybe a little both but when it came to the discard stage i feel like she was treating me like complete shit so that i would end the relationship so that she can go play victim. i didn't break up with her she dumped me i was just all confused why she treated me like complete shit out of nowhere then says were breaking up, ghosts and then with somebody else a week or 2 later.
In conclusion: If you met someone that's just like your BPD ex, ask them if they have BPD or not. If they have BPD, block them and never ever reach out to them anymore. Demmn. This is traumatizing. I can't even move on. 🤧
doesnt work like this. BPDs are knwo for lying a lot and some are even delusional and negate their obvious BPD or refuse to go to the psych. If you SEE they do any of these things just leave.
People with untreated BPD are soulless, emotionless, void of empathy, no remorse, no guilt, ice cold monsters, just a long line of destroyed people in their wake as they casually move from one victim to the other, like a vampire, having their fun and moving on, leaving someone completely destroyed behind. My undying hatred towards all these vampires.
Not true, we don't want to live this way and we're truly sorry for the damages we've been causing to our ex partners. How i wish this ends now :(
"Void of empathy" funny you say that bc ppl with BPD are actually some of the most empathetic ppl they are. 😂 And just like @Anonymous Neko said we don't want to live this way. It's not by choice. It's because we've had something so detrimental in our lives happen that we became this way. Unlike bipolar and other mental health conditions it's not inherented. It's something that stems from trauma. This lady did a reallyyyy shit job at explaining it and portrayed the ppl who suffer with BPD as shit ppl when really it's not the case.
@@Emily-bv5lb So true, i've burn so many bridges because of this. If i were to be born again, i just want to be a completely normal individual who really lives their life. And not someone who barely survives day by day.
@@anonymousneko2550 I feel that. I tend to push ppl away from the start in fear I'm gonna hurt them when I switch. I long for that connection but it's not worth damaging someone in order for something I know eventually I'm most likely gonna ruin.
@@Emily-bv5lb Mine just left me, because i had a really bad episode :'( He said he got tired of me..
Crowdfunding for a BPD Asylum.
Don't do it. Just don't even bother. You'll mentally fuck yourself up.
Relationships with someone with "BPD" is easiest described as the story of the scorpion and the frog. "BPD" being the scorpion.
It's also like having a gangrenous leg. You can hope for it to get better... But honestly just cut the fucker off and be done with it.
This is so damn accurate it's crazy
OMG. It’s like you have a mirror into my experience. This has happened multiple times to me with my BPD ex bf. 😮
long does each phase last?
It’s completely different for differing people but in intense relationships not very long for each stage.
I try not to date mainly because I suffer from BPD and it’s quite difficult to control those types of devaluing emotions that come out of nowhere. It’s genuinely like a war going on in your brain. Oftentimes it happens with friends, whether it’s a change of plans or something small, they feel like nothing to me. I usually just sit and think for a very long time until I force myself to get over the fact, but even then it still lingers for a while. It’s really a nightmare because I don’t want to hate these people. In fact, they’re incredibly amazing and kind people, but I have to fight with myself constantly to get out of that headspace. Not sure if therapy can actually benefit in situations like this, mainly because I already know what my problems are. But not sure, hopefully this will improve in the future.
My bpd partner is the absolute angel of my life and I see her as the best person ever still after a year of being with them. But I was seeking this video because we unfortunately hit the breakup phase and I'm not handling it well, I'm actually making it worse. She started seeing someone online to give her comfort and I know for a fact she has made that person her "favorite person" and every do just makes her uncomfortable and the problem is she lives with me. We sleep in the same bed and I have to deal with the hell that is trying to get her back by treating her like a princess while also knowing she's intimate with someone else. Im thinking about being the one person that gets her true help and get her into therapy as well as couples therapy. Is this a good direction? I absolutely adore this woman with all my heart and the weight of my past f ups and her complete lack of love is tearing me apart. I just want us to work. I want to marry her.
Fuck bro
Ouch. I feel your pain. I would tell you to absolutely move on and try to heal before kids/marriage and the pain is worse, but you might not listen. Did you make actual serious mistakes? Or did they just make you feel that way? Also if she has a new FP for real... you are in a bad spot. Respect and love yourself you deserve better. Also explore any of your own issues, like maybe co dependancy. Sorry if this upsets you good luck
I wish my ex loved me as much as you love your partner. I struggled so hard until the end and even then I struggled a little bit more. It was only when I was forced to take space that he stopped becoming home for me. It’s so heartbreaking I want to die (yes I have bpd, I’ve made six attempts)
Get out now…imagine a friend describing this to you and would you tell them to carry on. It’s painful but you need to end it no one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated
I know you love her, but you're describing codependency. You likely have wounds from your own childhood that have made you believe you have to fix someone who is in distress. Do NOT marry her. Get into therapy urgently and work on yourself hard so you never repeat this pattern with another partner.
The only guarantee in a relationship with a pwBPD is discard and pain. Never again
I have realized that I may have bpd and I ruined the relationship with the love of my life and it’s irreconcilable. I need help but don’t know how to get it😊
And what is the solution what should we do then
Agree with all of this. I've been having a thing on and off for a couple years with someone I suspect to be BPD, whom I care for and whom I consider to be a close friend. I'm sure everyone here can identify with the idealization and devaluation as well as the rapidity of the mood swings, between an intense feeling of intimacy followed by an apparent complete lack of empathy of caring for you. It's a scary snap. The thing that I've noticed a lot of as well is that there seems to be a lot of what seem like games, though which may not actually be, if that makes any sense. Like, she'll initiate physical intimacy, but then stop and start it repeatedly, and when sex finally does occur, I'm the villain for having taken part in it. I also think she becomes aware of the absurdity and challenge which these games and cycles present, and feels a fair bit of guilt about them, though is unwilling to chat about that, despite my willingness to do so. It's a frustrating, hurtful experience, and it's such a sad thing to admit that we can't help and that we likely at some point are going to have to make an escape from the cycle so as to save our own mental health. Upsetting.
I’ve been with her for 8 years in that cycle 😢
I went through ALL 7 stages for over 6 years. I got married and everything and then I couldn’t take it anymore and I left the state.
I have BPD, the hardest part for me is leaving, or being rejected, abandoned. I don’t easily leave people.
My presuambly BPD ex partner and I were together for a 1 month with intense trauma bonding and love bombing which caused me to fall in love really quickly. But then she start triggering my childhood traumas through her actions or messages which drained her a lot. We had a argument on the last relationship day where I felt she didnt listen to me or understood me so I said "I throw in the towel". She understood that as now you broke up with me and you cant take it back even tho I tried to find a solution the same day because I wasnt ready to give up at all. She blocked me everywhere and I tried to send her a message through my friends phone, sent a letter and some flowers with a note. After some weeks she replied with a text that she would involve the cops if I didnt stop bother her with no warnings at all. I guess thats the devaluing stage right? She went from intense love bombing me to that message which is crazy to me. My question is how common is it they come back and does this sound like BPD person? Sidenote: She told me multiple times she wouldnt leave me and if someone would leave it would be me which I think is because she got childhood trauma with her dad who actually left her as a child.
My man, sorry to tell you this. You don't sound very healthy either. Blame her all you want but don't forget to work on yourself.
My last boyfriend was like this. Not malicious just unstable. When he reached devaluing he was polite with it i guess, but I think his overall personality is polite. When he got therapy for something else he realized he was unstable so even if he did try to come back he was more reserved with it. I don't take it personally because he is who he is. Also probably because I've met a narcissist before I learned that not everything is about me lolll some people are just ummm disordered and you should leave them to their problems
Stage 1 Attraction phase- mirroring, honeymoon phase
Stage 2 neediness phase - being sensitive to critisim, lots of calls and texts everyday
Stage 3 withdraw - seek attention and try to control, manipulate
Stage 4- devaluing phase- once u were idealized and now you are devalued.
Stage 5 - breakup : disappear w/o informing (ghosting) or may inform.
Stage 6 - Repair the relationship.
Stage 7 - Repeat
second honeymoon phase ( shorter ), idealization, devaluation
Really? Really?!? Because I have BPD and I never broke with my boyfriend. I never did that if anything I was willing to just us down and I still think I…
Might be doing that. I just don't like how he doesn't talk about the parts he plays in this
I hate that I am doing this to my boyfriend right now. I don’t know how to stop it. I even stayed single for 5 years coz I wanted to break this pattern but… here I am again, age 42, after an intense honeymoon period I have now withdrawn and I’m completely indifferent to my partner who not long ago I thought was the most amazing man on the planet, now I can only find faults and my feelings are flat. I did not want to do this again 😭😭
very good video but please try to put it in a way that doesn't crush the tiny bit of hope i still have thanks
interesting, as someone with bpd only step 1 was accurate for me . not sure if thats a good thing or bad lol
WOW. Thank you for this