0:00 Exploitativeness And Entitlement As The More Dangerous Traits Of A Narcissist 3:34 There Must Be An Invasion Of Your Boundary 7:49 The Fastest No Test 12:20 You Saying No Shouldn't Cause A Negative Emotional Reaction In Any Normal Person 14:25 Narcissists Will Frequently Covertly Coerce You Into Giving Way More Of Your Time And Attention Than They Deserve 18:49 Over Assumption Of Intimacy Is Also A Boundary Break 21:23 Wrapping Up
The person does something heinous. You call them out. Then they ACT as the victims as a result of your calling them out on the heinous thing they did falsely claiming to be offended. Many Millennials do this daily as the norm Where was this advise when I needed it? Thanks for your real insightful helpful life saving presentation
you know, ive found that narcissists tend to project their own failings as a personal attack to your person. I remember i gave a producer a chance to do his job and when he didnt pull through, i called him out saying he failed us again, and he lost his shit, granted i got mad and the discussion got heated, but i was already being insulted by the guy before that and this day he went the extra mile, all i did was say "we dont need you, please get out of my way" and he started telling my partner "yeah take him away" as to regain control of the situation?, anyways he later said that i was aggressive and was ready to fight, when i was the one who chose to stop and walk away while he kept yelling excuses and profanities at me(again i aint innocent, i took the bait and screamed at him too, but it was a long time coming if im being honest, i dont regret it, but i do wish id handled it better)
One favorite test of mine is when one of them does something shitty and SAYS they did something shitty (as a way of fishing for you to disagree with them or placate/reassure them), I agree with them in a reasonable way. And I see the reaction.
"That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, it's no big deal. And if it is, it's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if it did... You deserved it."
My then husband told me I was a push over and had to learn to stand up for myself. I started doing so where I needed it most.... standing up to him and his mother. He literally said, " I didn't mean at home!" That was when I realized how bad the relationship was.
I took care of my ex-boyfriend during his cancer treatment. Then he tore his Achilles tendon and I turned into the helper climbing stairs in his 4 story house to fetch items, cleaning and cooking. Then I was sick and asked for water and some soup. He brought me water from the bathroom in his cup he used to rinse after brushing. I would say, Don't devote yourself to someone for a long time without asking for a simple favor to see how they re-act. Don't think you are a narcisist if you get emotional when you given so much and you ask for a favor and your partner says, don't make your problems mine. Make sure the relationship is balanced with giving and taking from the start so you don't feel used.
I learned this recently after several years of taking care of him whenever he was ill surgery's, bad days, doting on him. I got covid, and he wouldn't even get me a glass of cold water, constant blame that it's my fault I got sick and maybe I'm not as sick as I'm pretending to be. And never getting checked on.
@@vp8632I'm so glad to be away from him. I finally learned to notice friends that do the same thing. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. Being a giver all the time will backfire. ❤️
Exactly the compassion isn’t returned.i did that and cared for 3 months after the thing had an accident. In that time I was abused but made exceptions as he had a small brain injury . But he was also cheating at the same time while milking my care . Then I got sick after I finally after too many breakups he’d keep wearing me down until the end happen by a family member going toxic in him . Save yourself . I don’t throw your pearls to pigs so says the bible . We are alive and that is a miracle .
@@liabeachy "the thing"... Wow... That's brilliant. It's good to put a fitting name on it. It helps sooooo much to de-personalize it. It isn't quite fully human and, for me, this realization (as gut-wrenching as it was) was the linchpin for my resurrection. This was HUGE. 25 years married, with at least 14 years of (now) identifiable/documented incremental identify erosion (it is so subtle). Gut-wrenching, but absolutely necessary, realisation. Our son and daughter are 16.... it's nearly impossible to find mental health professionals who are aware of pathological parenting or who are willing/open to learning about it. Lord have mercy on me and my children (and you, as well). God heal, bless, restore and PROTECT us.
I notice with a heavy heart so many comment on feeling attacked when they are happy. The narc is not happy seeing us happy. I tried explaining this to friends and even therapists and they shrug it off. I think its well meaning, but whenever something good happens for me I get really scared and resort to freezing mode and isolation to avoid sabotage. Makes me cry to even think about that what they do is real and its not in my head. Hugs to all of you going through this!! We can only become stronger when the darkness comes to light.
I don't think anyone Who hasn't been through this can understand this. Also narcs are very aware of how vulnerable their victims are. If it makes you feel better - I punished my narc by letting him overfeed himself. Ha-ha bitch. Now I can laugh and laugh (on the inside)
I can confirm this. My EXTREMELY narc ex used to find ways to bring me down the second I got happy or was doing something for myself (like trying to better myself by learning a new skill or gain knowledge). Because they are such negative creatures, it's much harder for them to "feed" off positive emotions. They prefer negative ones. It's a lot tastier for them, people's suffering. They love it! That's why they never like to see you happy and will do whatever they can to keep you miserable and depressed, as that puts you in the right vibration in order for them to feed from you. Narcs are modern day vampires, but the feed off people's energy instead of blood....and they will do it until you are drained and dead if you are not careful. They will feel no remorse for destroying a life.
Oh Sweetheart I feel your pain, for so long my narc had everyone believing i was loosing my mind and getting mean to the point that my own children were trying to get me to self commit, and he always cheated and I would catch him and he would always blame me!!!! He himself still needs to be institutionalized!!! It took hours of secretly recording him and finally one day my daughter called and i my ringer off and she got to here him cussing me, and even after all that i loved him and wouldn't leave, I still love a man that never existed!!!! And part of me always will, and if i ever date again, i would be looking for that mythical man in ever other man i dated! Because the man I fell in love with was second to only God!!! Thank you for listening!!!
My father could not allow anyone to have a good time. Or if he did, it was unusual...probably centered around when he was being a do-gooder, or he was eating. He was a troubled person who could not, would not, face himself. We had a beautiful home, food, good care medically...but we were not allowed to enjoy it. So sad.
I love the part where you said "beyond a certain point it's not about them anymore, it's about you, that's what's essential to your healing" Very important to shift that focus, thank you very much
@@DonBraidwood lol, 9 months is too long ago for me to recall this. "Did Richard heal"? I have no idea what he did or didn't do in his journey and healing process. May we all find love and support on our paths. Namaste
I got in trouble with my family for calling my mom a narcissist on RUclips.I’m going no contact.I’m 58.I don’t want to take care of my family’s mental health anymore.I’ve been doing it since I was 4.I don’t know how much time I have on Earth to live my own life. I’m finished being everyone’s mental health counselor!
Called her a narcissist on RUclips using your real name in the video, so she is embarrassed in front of people who know her? Not nice, regardless of whether she is a narcissist or not.
Yes, do detach and decicate your time and energy to you. Live your life the best you can, you are right life goes by fast. I ve struggeled with similar problems but i paid hard money for my own healing in therapy and they didn't want to invest for themselves. I began to say when they come with their drama that therapy is also an option. I am not listening anymore. Then they bring all the old stuff from childhood and I have to say no not anymore. I've done my work, go do yours i don't care anymore. Saying no never felt so good. Lots of blessings to you 🙏❤️✨
That’s such a great quote! Remember the end of it: Maya Angelou said “the first time”. I had forgotten that until I looked up the quote a few days ago to refresh my memory. Believe them THE FIRST TIME they show you who they are. I, once again, gave someone the benefit of the doubt and did not believe them “the first time” they acted in a way and showed me who they are. It’s such a typical response for a narc to treat you bad, then, when you disconnect from them, they are grasping for straws to get you back and they’re wondering “Oh what did I do?” when, in fact, they know what they do/did.
Agreed. Huge issue when that person is your elderly mother. .... And brother. And sister. I think about suicide daily just to not deal with then anymore.
Once I started watching all of these videos about Narcissism, my entire life made sense. And it was an enormous relief to know that I am not crazy! This explains why the lies, why the drama, why the gaslighting, why the punishment when ever I've said "No". Some of my experiences with my mother and my sister would curl your hair!
I understand completely. Exactly the same here. Took me 50 years to work it out after watching Richard. I love my mum but now I understand it I don't feed the avatar she has created of herself.
This video is basically an outstanding free psychology lesson, and this comment section is an outstanding free conference with a plethora of speakers. Wow. I love it. I could stay here all day.
This is different though somebody tells you they are going to buy you a car then say wait now I changed my mind. No car for you. That was my husband. That hurt me and upset me. It’s future faking. I don’t think that counts.
I said "no" to a request and was abandoned on Thanksgiving. Literally, he said I was on my own. And the time I expressed my frustration with him I learned what crocodile tears are.
Kim Dalessandro YESSSS!!! Exactly!! That always made my head spin!! He'd write bad checks or not pay bills that were due but if anyone wrote HIM a bad check? If anyone slacked on HIM not paying him on time? Good gracious....rage.
Yep. This is the one sure fire way I’ve been telling people for years. Tell them “no” and watch how they respond. Not how they reply - because (especially covert) narcissists know how to control a conversation and won’t give themselves away immediately. They can easily say that it’s “no big deal” and pretend they’re fine in the moment, but watch how they respond over the next few days. They will NOT be ok with it and they’ll find ways to make people regret saying no. It’s perfect because it removes you from the equation. You’re not talking about the narc or trying to convince people to believe you or take your side. Just an invitation to tell the person “no” and watch what happens from there.
Yep, I tried several times to break it off with my ex. Every time I would tell him I was done and that I was leaving him, he would say you don't mean that. You're just mad. Calm down and you'll stop saying that. The problem was that I was stuck with him. I was 70 mi away from my hometown with no way to get home. It took a friend having to come get me for me to be able to leave him.
Great point! Coverts will appear okay in the moment, but undoubtedly will do something passive aggressive behind your back and sometimes never express anything negative directly to you.
I had one move in next door. She would visit at least twice a DAY. I tried explaining that I liked my peace and quiet but she never took the hint. Eventually I locked my gate. The NEXT day, she broke in and pounded on my door. She'd been to the police and got a trespass notice to give ME! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
@johenderson3742 that's hilarious! My husband had a similar experience with a friend of his who always called on him for help when he found himself in the middle of reaping the consequences of his own bad choices. The last time we heard from him a few weeks ago, he called my husband as usual to ask for a favor. My husband simply said no. The "friend" went nuts and had the hilariously misguided audacity to tell my husband that if my husband ever called HIM again, HE would get a restraining order against MY HUSBAND! Not one to argue, my husband immediately hung up on him and blocked his number. Just a couple days ago my husband received a voicemail from the ex-"friend" to ask if my husband would be his best man (the guy has been engaged like 6 times in the past three years). Of course we just deleted the message and didn't respond to it. But we still find the whole thing ridiculously hilarious!
I'm a psychotherapist. I often listen to coaches and other non-clinicians for insights, and I'm always screening what they say for inaccuracies. This guy is spot on!
People like us who were exposed to prolongued abuse have built up a lot of experience with narcissism in a practical sense. When we study the topic it puts a zillion pieces of puzzle together. I think that is why some of us become rather good in making observations or assessements. I like his order in his thinking and indeed he has a very tight grasp on the topic.
Brooke Millie Omgosh girl get rid of him anyway you can. You deserve a good guy and you know it. He’s a turnoff. The sooner you get away the sooner you’ll heal the soooner you can find a good guy ! Wake up.
Brooke Millie you don’t like it now ? Imagine you have children and your worn out at night , and he’s going out with other women , and you KNOW , THIS , THIS OS AS GOOD NOW IT GETS , HE IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU TO BITS NOW , IT CAN Only GETWORSE , GET OUT NOW ,! Do you want to live like this all your life ?
imagine being born as a soldier in the middle of a war, and you are expected to deal with life as a soldier, not emotions allowed or you get beaten..etc certainly, you will get used to it and define as normal and expect others to do so as well. it's like a circle of life: a child gets hurt so bad that he becomes a psycho or a narc, then he hurts another and gives them whatever trauma, and then that traumatized person raise kids, or that narc or whatever raise kids in a harsh environment or rape other's child..etc the cycle continues on. when will this cycle end? when you start actually caring about those fukin children and not hate them since their youth. I can't describe how much hate I was treated with by everyone during my childhood till my adolescence, just because I was acting in a way I wasn't aware of. get raped, abused, bullied, and neglected for your whole childhood and adding to that you are not allowed to cry or laugh or you get beaten the shit out of you. and then tell me, if you would have made the same actions or not. but let's be honest here, everyone lacks empathy and even sympathy in a way or another. no one understands, and no one is even trying to understand. in the end, you are the one who CHOSE to be with that type of people, so the blame is on you. birds of a feather flock together. if you liked a narc or a psycho, then certainly there's a problem in you or in your mind, ask any psychologist about that, they would agree. ( in a nice indirect way) people got what they didn't deserve so they give others what they didn't deserve. makes sense for me.
@@vajrayana4504 Yes I've seen that kind of smile when he told me...well we are only friends, I thought you knew that. The next night he phoned to say he didn't mean it and it must never be mentioned again!! Brain Scrambler!!
Omar Omax not many people will appreciate what you wrote, but I truly understand and appreciate the breadth of what you’re saying: the abusers who were themselves abused need compassion and understanding in a world that has very little tolerance for the abused who don’t know/can’t act any different without the therapy of self compassion and pure unadulterated love- seeing past their faults to see their need. Sociopaths exists because their world shunned their light and very essence. If we can love children for their essence- even aggressive disposition, it makes for a more superior society-> a more superior world. Unfortunately, there are people who are dangerous no matter how loved and nurtured they were-> psychopaths. Those are the type others should watch out for.
Maybe you were a trouble kid and did stupid things and constantly demanded attention. It could be you who are an NPD, not her. This phrase alone is not enough to “diagnose”.
Sometimes they do, to pretend they've changed and recognize their BS. They even seem to believe it. However, they do the same thing later on, in a slightly different way.
@@steffaniemamawithapurpose7324 Victim / perpetrator / rescuer = the 3 sides of the victim triangle, also called the drama triangle. What matters is to step out of it all.
stivendog - (Heidi here not Jaana) and if an apology is there, it’s a quick “ok sorry” and if someone misses hearing it, that’s tough, they will not say it again...they’ll say “I said sorry” .... (this is a personal experience)
This is so true, they find some way to bring you down whether subtly or overtly. I think they actually believe that if they’re not happy in that moment then no one should be.
I actually left home thinking it was socially unacceptable to show outwards signs of being happy. I had so many shocks when I left home, do you know there are parents and children out there that communicate without shouting, threats and seem to like each other and just converse? Did you know you can just be pleased for someone when they tell you they've booked a vacation or got a promotion? You don't have to reply with a salty comment or backhanded compliment? I didn't.
I used to tick a lot of boxes for cluster b's. I investigated my childhood and found trauma. Put 2 and 2 together, got 4, and started working on myself relentlessly. Kicked my narcissistic traits out of the door. Learned to apologise and mean it, developed empathy, I still have a nasty streak but it's like a muzzled beast- I will only let it out if I find myself in actual danger. I think the reason I was able to take control of myself and my behaviours is due to actually being raised well- the trauma that started me on the road of cluster b was purely accidental, and the perpetrator took responsibility and was even brave enough to admit their mistakes (which is good because without that info I would have continued to think I was just born evil). I believe that sooooooo many cluster b people have a sneaky trauma in the newborn phase of life. The hard part involved in "fixing" someone who is cluster b is this: NOTHING except for their own realisations will prompt them to get help/take control of themselves, and cluster b brain wiring is super sneaky. Cluster b's literally cannot see that their behaviours are toxic-trust me on that! It's weird being on the other side of it, when I think back to how I was, it mortifies me. I might get hate for this comment as I've essentially admitted to being a narc in the past but if those of us who fought hard to become something other than a disorder stay quiet about it, then how will others learn they can do the same? The key thing that set my realisation off was that people were always having the same reaction to my bullshit, and as an observant person, I had to accept that it was MY fault, not theirs. That was the turning point tgat started me off investigating. Sorry for the wall! You can say no to reading it and I won't flip a table 😁 (anymore!). Seriously though, if you read the whole thing then thank you. 💜 (If you are a narc or cluster b reading this then know this: not getting mad when people don't conform to what you want can actually be pretty liberating, drop that need for control as it will only hurt you, others, and leave you lonely and empty).
Thanks for sharing, its great that your consciousness is awakening, well done ! Although, traumas dont cause narcissism, its actually facing few challenges in early life and over praise from family that does cause narcissism. All empaths have faced a great amount of traumas early on and never turned into narcs. There is studies about it also. Take care :)
Can I just say SIR thank you again! You are a wonderful healer teacher and friend to all of us who extremely benefit from your discussions and your wonderful time that you spend providing for others.... I have been in a horribly abusive relationship physically emotionally psychologically for 3 years. I checked into three different domestic violence women shelters and went to numerous counselors for help trying to explain what I was going through the helplessness the corrosion of the soul the hopelessness and that insane mania... Just recently I drove from California to Vermont to get away from this relationship and join my son I found you on the drive. And listen to you almost the entire time across country for 5 days. You have given me more help more hope than any of the women shelters and any of the therapist or self-help books. Im internally grateful to you and I cannot express enough how much I sincerely wholeheartedly appreciate YOU good man!
Here is a tip for everyone stuck in this situation, accept that they never actually intended to care about you at all. Then breaking your bond is easier - it is just a scam, narcissist's don't love or care for anyone. Especially not their partners and their children.
Regard them when they speak as a scam call on the phone. You don't really know who they are and it's probably a lie to trick you into something you don't want to do
Damn that's really good advice. I always got stuck wondering where I went wrong with how I cared for them, but never considered the fact they never cared and had no intention to. Also I get these type of videos suggested so often I think RUclips tries telling me I'm a narcissist haha
Some bonds and relationships are non consenting. The homeless were put into large, I'm going with poor houses, during the pandemic. With the nurse ratchet class. They closed all the small groups and rehab places my friends ran. No leaving, no walking away. It has caused trauma and they are now harder to help.
Both of my parents and both of my husbands were narcissists. I just left a narc in the love bombing stage because of his response to my no. Thank you for changing my future.
When both parents are narcissists they obviously train children how to be great supply and so YES it then becomes a YOU problem to not become good supply to future narcissists!!! Undoing codependency isn’t for the weak.
I disagree with just flatly, bluntly telling someone "no". There is nothing wrong with telling someone no, you should be able to say no, but in most circumstances there is a nicer way to say it. Instead say " No, I'm sorry I can't help you move this weekend" A flat "no" is extremely rude if you are talking to someone that is a friend or someone that you care about. At least that's how I see it. I have never seen a single person respond well to hearing a flat "no" in either a narcissist or a healthy individual. Obviously, if they respond aggressively or attack you then you might be dealing with a narcissistic individual or at the very least a toxic individual. Someone being a little hurt or taken back by your blunt response is normal. If the person is very intuitive they may also pick up on the fact that you are trying to provoke a reaction and that may also cause problems with a healthy individual. Just posting this in case it helps. :)
My favorite thing to say to narcissists is, "whatever". Indifference bothers them more than rejection. A narcissists would rather be hated than ignored.
@@Th3BigBoy My thought too. If it's someone who cares about you, you showing indifference in return would make you looking like the narcisist... Or if you were the one at fault...
Better to simply say “okay”. Not exasperated or sarcastic, just okay. It is noncommittal and not agreement but simply acknowledgment that they said something and you have heard it. Just like a bully, they love to get you to rise to the bait.
I have fallen in the "whatever" trap and wow it's angry time. I couldn't figure this out until you just pointed it out. But to exit gracefully according to the other statement would be to say "okay"
When I was a kid, my mother and stepfather created an environment where I could only get my needs met by eliciting extreme sympathy from my mother. It was a form of learned helplessness. It fucked my life up royaly. My self image was in the shitter, but I didn't even know it because I was so locked in "get sympathy survival mode". I was basically a begger. I don't know if I was narcissistic or borderline or just cluster b-ish. Grannon's videos help me see the narcissistic tendencies in myself but also in the people I was surrounding myself with. Acknowledgement was the key to change. Once I could see the problem, I could finally fix it. Five years later, I'm self-sufficient and stable and no longer have codependent traits. My only complaint is that life's a little boring when you're stable... but that's one of the reasons we chose to have kids and raise a family.
Yep, if I started talking with a narcissistic family member about a health issue, he immediately cut me off by saying “I think that’s what I have” and continued talking about himself and how my issue resonated with him whilst never giving me the chance to finish what I had to say. I went no contact with him years ago.
if somebody tells me no without context the relationship is over because the other one is a heartless dominant narcissist. Stupid cryptic propaganda this dumba** "say no"
@@caprisonne4442 [ All this victorious parading around about "trouncing the narcissist". I think people are becoming narcissistic by following the advice of therapists. If you say there is any flaw with their logic they call you a narcissist. ]
I’ve realised recently that most of my relationships have all been with narcs... Saying “no” is the healthiest thing that I’ve learnt to do. It is truly liberating!!!!
the 2nd healthiest thing will be to figure out 1) why the NPD is attracted to you and 2) why you are attracted to them. If you dont feel you are lovable then you will attract those that cant love.
I think it's unhealthy to lie about your true opinion. If you want to say yes, say yes. Don't say no just to "send a message". If you have a message to send just tell them that message. This double game playing and alternative intentions from people has ruined so many relationships, it's just a form of manipulation.
So you're basically saying that you just play games and try to manipulate people to test them or something similar. You need to go take a look in a mirror...
I don’t think y’all are understanding what this person means. They are saying that when you say no to someone who always feels entitled to a yes that you are sending the message that you have options and are able to make your own choices. You don’t have to do everything that the manipulate using person asks of you.
I’ve been single now, for 4 years. On purpose. I’ve been married to the personality issues people you described, and found myself attracting them. Being single is ok. It’s calm. Yes, so quite calm, and ver peaceful. I lost all my savings.the three men I let into my life bleed me dry. I’m 60 next year. I have no idea what my future holds. But ,…I’m free of the strange arguments, the strange rationale that’s me always to blame. I hope for the best. Maybe , next year I’ll update you. I’m scarred worried by you know what? ,..I’m past caring. I survived my ex plus 2 other ass o les. Wow. I’m ok. 😉👊😹🤦🏼♀️
Me too except I am a man and she hated the word no. My money was her money and her money was her money. Glad she is gone, she tried to buy the house across the street but didn’t have the money. I would have had to sell my house to get away from her.
Hi ,I just read your comment ,my goodness it was perfect description of how I felt for a very long time. Yes the scarring will always be there and yes ridiculous scenarios will continue flash up ,from nowhere. All I know is you do get your real self back overtime ,and it's wonderful . I look back now and cannot understand how I enabled myself to be so squashed. I do hope you realise how strong you are ,and everyday is a great day .Sending great respect to you .
@@judepicton6252 "...and cannot understand how I enabled myself to be squashed." This feeling is almost surreal. Like escaping the matrix or a cult. I don't know how, but hopefully it will be illegal in the future to treat people like that.
A simple test to see if a person is a narcissist is to ask them to go to therapy. A true narcissist thinks they know more and are better then any therapist. In my experience, the only time you’ll ever see a narcissistic cry is when they’re trying to manipulate you to get what they want. They don’t cry when they see you hurt, suffering or in pain. It actually makes them feel better about themselves. It’s so sick.
Yup my ex really threw me off with his crying. I always fell for it. I noticed though one day that his tears would just suddenly stop and have an angry look in his eye. I must have said seething that he didn't like so he just stopped all crocodile tears. It's hard to 3wpkain but that is the best way I can describe that behavior. Like it was a show. I realized it was his way of me feeling sorry for him... Manipulate me a tool
I think you nailed the narcissist/target dynamic when you describe the "game" where the narcissist is unrelentingly attacking (to win) and the target is confused, "Are we in a competition (for something)?" As if in an endless boxing match that only the narcissist knows is happening, the target will be repeatedly knocked off balance and, while trying to recover balance, be wondering, "What the Hell is going on?" And each incident of being knocked off balance is an opportunity for the narcissist to get in closer and land another blow. Ultimately, the narcissist's goal is to displace the target's identity and implant the narcissist's identity in the target. Game, set, match, the vampire wins. (I know, mixed metaphors)
I don't really talk about this because I'm embarrassed really im a guy but back when I was in middle school I was dating this HighSchooler she seemed cool and anti everything and was really to me nice at first I was rebellious coming out of a abusive household I was only 13 she was 15 and it really felt like how you put it but I was around bad people all my life gangsters so I didn't let it get to me what she did whether breaking my trust or boundaries and later found out she cheated on me in like the middle of the relationship and to this day she still hates me and makes people I don't even know hate me or try beat me up one time I was at her sisters place(it's complicated) and when I blacked out her boyfriend and friends tried beating me up but I still one somehow but they called the cops and the cops beat me up and everyone dislikes me even more I wouldn't say hate bc they don't really hate me but how they say it is like I don't hate you but I heard your a really awful person who no one likes. So I'll treat you like shit the whole and get my friends to beat you up bc our moms used to beat when we were younger so I'm taking it on someone I don't even know like I don't know 98%of these people and they act like I'm a horrible person I knew HighSchool sucked but this is horrible I don't even go to school anymore and I'm scared to make new connections just in case she'll come back into my life and I have no support bc I'm a guy and it shouldn't matter but I'm going to her school and she's getting held back a year and I just want her to dissappear and maybe I would feel peace
Holy cow the bordline empathy stuff hit home hard. Yes having someonw constantly tell you that you lack empathy while youre constantly walking on eggshells and trying to read thier minds to keep them happy while they show absolutely no concern for your feelings is maddening.
Being in a relationship with these people is abuse .. add the fact that many times this personality leads into physical abuse and other psychological abuses.
I love how everyone here knows a Narcissist, but no one admits to being here because sometimes they wonder about themselves. I sometimes wonder if I have narcissistic traits.
We all do, we are all traumatised in some way, but some of us become conscious of our stuff and want to heal, if we are brought up by a narcissistic parent then we do pick up their traits, but we don't have to hurt or manipulate others with them.
Doeray anybody steps on a box of kittens in front of me, I’m gonna turn into a psychopath murderer in about 3 seconds . So what does that say? If I have a psychopathic reaction to a narcissistic action like stomping a box of kittens, what does that make me? This is why mental health is MENTAL
Benjée It says you’re a caring person. Any healthy individual would get upset to see someone hurting a helpless thing for absolutely no reason. Unless, of course, you’re serious about ACTUALLY murdering them lol. Kick their ass, yes. Kill them...then you’re just BOTH really fucked up.
Jen K it’s not the fact that murder would first come to mind, I just feel like I couldn’t stop beating them if I saw kittens being harmed by someone. Mental health is absolutely insane, no pun intended .
This is the best description of narcissism I've heard. You nailed it. I was married to one. I once told him no, very firmly, when he crossed a particular boundary and he was dumbfounded. "What do you mean, NO? I'm giving you this great opportunity!" He absolutely couldn't believe it. These people are horribly toxic. Get away from them.
@@JudgeJulieLit WOW, you nailed it. My narcissistic son just turned 40. This is my first time to hear this fellow and his narrative was spot on. I think my current so-called boyfriend is a narcissist after hearing this. And then I saw your comment! OMG, did it ever hit home! Thank you. 💕
Would deeply involved include 2 weeks before a large wedding? After a 3 year courtship and then a 3 year engagement we were finally getting married in 2 weeks, huge wedding, deposits on everything, invitations and rsvp received. But wait! Suddenly I’m asked to dinner with him and .... a lawyer?? Here came the surprise of a prenup maneuver! I got up and walked out. He followed and after my tears and refusal, we set it aside and got married with no prenup. How I wish I had just had run away and canceled everything. Anyone who would treat someone so badly ... has plenty more where that came from.
@@TheQueensWish A person should talk about things like prenups long before marriage. But without more in context I will say a prenup in and of itself is not abuse. Yeah it's underhanded to just spring it last minute but I would not call it abuse. Such things are long term, deep and hurtful.
@@mechasentai Underhanded as you described it. There have been many more episodes just like this one. Always stacking the deck and cutting the cards to their favor. Run from these people. This is no way to live. The struggle is real when you realize the cold calculations and manipulations you have traversed. You often wonder what a real, loving marriage would be like. If that exists.
I totally agree with you , the longer your under a narcissist thumb the more they destroy you!! Get the hell away from them, and don't ever see them again even if you have to move to a new town. 😇😇😇🗝️💪
This has always worked for me; Letting them know that they upset you for x,y, or x… and ask them if they could apologize. The narcissist literally CAN’T do it. You will watch them fall apart, get angry, or even blame you. What I usually end up with is, “I’ll apologize if you do it first.“ Super childish behavior!
This is 100% true. A narcissist will become visibly agitated, even angry, at the slightest sign of you putting up a boundary. Even when they're still trying to wear a mask, you'll see it. They simply cannot tolerate noncompliance. There's zero respect or understanding that you even have the right to say "no." It's a "how dare you say no to me!" type of attitude, and they'll project and view the situation as YOU fighting THEM when you're simply exercising your right to disagree and the situation couldn't be more the reverse.
It can go beyond reacting like that to no - it can be simply having a different opinion. My ex said once that was the best movie he'd ever seen. I said oh I thought the ending was too predictable. He EXPLODED. How could I say that after he'd just said it was the best. That's crazy right there.
missmerbella When I gave my ex a boundary, I was accused of "trying to control her" and there was no way to win, it's a catch-22 and she wore me down to a point where if we weren't doing exactly what she wanted, I was controlling her.
Nailed it. That's pretty much the first red flag--an inability and refusal to acknowledge, let alone honor, another person's time, space, decisions, and life. Healthy boundaries will change your life, friends, and save your sanity.
Barbara Brinkmeyer ...the list is endless but what about your knowledge of Spartan life coach and his friend Sam vaknin you comment on the video but really your feeding a narc
Barbara Brinkmeyer ...... next time you copy and paste a reply try the Bible I won't read that either. now piss off crazy one who defends the crazy narcs . whilst pretending to educate us ha ha
“I thought we were in a relationship; no, we are in a game’. Spot on, omg 😱 this is crazy-making. Being punished is constant. As soon as the “No” came in, the hitting came next. Thank you for this video. My prayers go out to anyone experiencing this. I pray you to get help. Peace be upon you all. 🙏🏽
Same here. But then he went to my kids and started discussing personal issues about our relationship. Who does that with kids? Imagine a 7 year old telling you about your sex life!
It took me 45 years to realize that my natural exuberance made my mother furious, and start cutting me down until I got super upset and cried. Now when I see her, (rarely), I just act depressed and hardly speak, and she is so nice. It makes me laugh so hard to see her not get to play her little games. LOL
I did the same my whole life but I didn't know I was doing it. I pretended to be sad in front of my mother just to make her feel good cause whenever I felt good with myself she got angry at me. Finally I got tired of belittling myself for her amusement. Now I'm a grown up and she's about to retire she's not able of doing the same things as when she was younger. She used to try to convince others she was prettier and slimmer than me, but now she can't do that anymore cause she's old.
Another way to figure out if somebody is a narcissist is if they address you about something in a rude way and you are intentionally just as rude right back. A normal person might back off and be genuinely humble and polite next time you interact with them… but a narcissistic might back off but subsequently continue to come at you with crap, it’s like they never get tired of causing conflict.
right u r...they never stop they never change..they r exahusting..i noticed always sum wierdo competition going on that i hadnt even entered🤔..narc mirrored me and as soon as i began 2 feel my authenticity was being stole... i told the narc to get thier own identity and quit copying mine..i told the narc he was creepy and had no personality of his own..if he hung with a redneck he returned sounding like a redneck..if he hung with a native he returned sounding like that native...it was disturbing 4 sure
My narcissistic bf will come at me with anger and talk down to me and if I respond to him the same way he speaks to me he literally tells me not to talk at him like that and then says I'm the problem! Absolutely delusional.
Yah. Right on. Another sign is the inability to apologize. The closest my long-ago, former narcissistic partner got to apologizing was to say "I'm sorry you're angry with me". I laugh about it now. Also, everything I did was wrong, even my solutions to the artificial dramas that were created on a regular basis. Being kind was wrong. Helping was wrong. Ignoring, even briefly to get a break from all of it. especially was wrong. If you're feeling like a doormat, it's because you are being treated like one. Walk away. You can't fix it.
@@dorisday5871 If you suspect, then RUN. My ex never apologized for anything, nor did he ever comfort me when I struggled or if I cried. He thought my emotions were amusing at best, and ridiculous at worst. For 31 years I tried to get along with him, but he did not care if we got along or if we didn't. I lost both my physical and mental health and became suicidal. I hope that you RUN away as soon as you can. Don't lose yourself to someone who doesn't care about you.
As someone with a lot of childhood trauma who's been in therapy for a little over a year now, I really like your channel. I struggle with boundaries, they're either too rigid or too lenient, I end up attaching to relationships and using that as a means of defining myself. I'm having to find my sense of self and identity, slowly but surely, as well as analyze every boundary and feeling I currently possess. It's a long process but worth it. A lot of my relationships end up being me getting used to satisfying someone else's emotional needs but that's not often narcissistic, I'm just very available. I'm like a ditto from Pokemon. It goes from healthy relationship to unhealthy gradually as they realize the bar is pretty low.
@@crisl9079so let’s say we meet for the first time and you mention your hobby. I am interested so I ask questions and you keep answering them, you go into details and long explanations. Me: OMG A NARCISSIST! He keeps talking about himself run! I interacted with one too many narcissists and it is true that they talk about themselves a lot, but so do lonely people who have no friends so since they do not interact with others they can only speak about themselves. You need more than this “test” to figure out who has NPD and who does not.
@@roberth4395 *In harmony with your comment, I suggest that a great many "traits" attributed to narcissists can be generally found to one degree or another, more or less among 60 of the people I have interacted with in life.* *Now, I don't have the answer, but is it possible that there should be some minimum percentage of the traits that need to be practiced, along with a minimum intensity and frequency of those traits need to be displayed before labelling someone a "narcissistic"? Otherwise, it's subject and frankly it seems narcissism is more of a spectrum than a binary mental state.*
@@Christian_Prepper according to my knowledge narcissism just like most things are indeed on a spectrum and a healthy human can be narcissistic and not be a demon who has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). To some degree we are all narcissistic. One thing that is also worth mention ing is that kids are narcissistic, the younger they are the more narcissistic they are. Healthy, trauma free ones tend to grow out of it, but usually 2 good parents are needed for this to happens. So just because a Child shows narcissism it does not mean that he/she should be treated like a monster. An other one is that there is about 60% overlap between how people with ADHD(aka ADD) and NPD behave. Their motives are completly different. People who have ADHD can be good or bad people, their brain just works differently. People with NPD on the other hand are evil incarnate.
Rob every Flocking part of you! Always anticipating always rushing home knots in your stomach... going over each and every scenario of what he might say or do! Even if you tell the truth while you're late they do not believe it you were cheating!! Wanting to see receipts from the store so he could check the time I checked out! Going through all my personal belongings! Interrogation at 2 in the morning! Anything I wore I had camel toe! He said you look so much better without makeup I don't mind that you've gained weight you look great! He would bring me up and bring me down and when I asked him why his reply was so I can keep you in line!
Yeah, it will happen to me and my kids, we will be having a good time, having conversations just laughing and as soon as he walked in the room his energy was so heavy that it changed the whole atmosphere we had. He will start yelling telling us what to do just to stop that happy energy we had, always transmitting his bitterness and toxicity 🙄 they are never happy!!
@@yanetyyy6036 I had my niece for the summer he was so jealous that she was staying with me... we caught him spying on us through my bedroom window. He was even jealous of my dog! Jealousy is a huge characteristic in a narcissistic!
Win Rosie - For a long time I have noticed that too, I will spend time with the kids and he will want me sitting next to him🙄. I didn’t know what a narcissist was until a year ago, I’m glad I’m not falling for his toddler manipulations anymore!!
@@yanetyyy6036 are you going to do something and have it? I discard my narcissist and that makes it even worse. However, I cannot imagine if I was still with him I would not be doing the things that I'm doing now... I have a great support system of women my age I am an artist and a hairdresser... among other things. Even when I was happy I had to fake being sad... and if I did show happiness he would ask me, why are you so happy are you f****** someone else! I've never been with someone that has been a narcissist however, when I met him I was not in a good place in my life... he would call me the girl with the golden heart! Oh isn't that so sweet, no one ever called me that! I still have not dated seriously...Since he's Been Gone... I feel a lot of women Rush right back into another relationship instead of getting to know themselves and educating themselves so they do not make the same mistake again! And if you do get in another relationship please do not talk about the narcissist and what he did to you... especially in the beginning!
Dated a guy two months and he failed the “No” test miserably, and when I mentioned it he gaslit me by trying to justify why he felt he should still do what I asked him not to. Shortly after that, honeymoon phase was over and his true narcissistic self came out full force! This test works!!
As a person who's had a 13 year soul tie with someone diagnosed with NPD and APD, I resonate with this video more than I can express. Thank you so, so much.
So many times I’ve told my husband “we’re not going to battle against each other in a war. We’re in a relationship!” That was before I realized he was narcissistic and now it all makes sense.
My narcissist is the best game player I ever met. Not just the mind game. All games! It’s crazy weird being in a competition instead of a relationSHIT!
My mom used to say things like "You thought you could win this one, didn't you?" And "Don't ever think you're going to outsmart me" when I was a teenager, it was so distressing and confusing and NOTHING I said ever led to a positive ending...just her throwing fists or using objects against me. I think she has BPD or HPD but she'll never get tested lol Thank you for all you do to expose these things, I'm still mourning my lost childhood years and maybe you can save others from the suffering so many of us have had to endure 💔
It’s so hideous! So sad for all of the children, have personality disorder, and parents… That grew up, knowing something was deeply wrong, but not having any words or language to express or explain it. That first line that you said is a dead giveaway, though. To these people, especially BPD and NPD. There Hass to be a winner and a loser in every interaction, there is no adult exchange, ever. That Hass to be a winner and a loser, and the loser hast to be whoever the other person is. Even if they have to play a very long game to make that the case!
Narcissist parents will sometimes call their kids to complain because they didn't like their Christmas gift when their own gift was a low effort cash amount in an envelope. The best thing to do is agree to do away with the gift exchanges, the kids do away with purchasing gifts, purchasing their own things and the parents do as well and this does away with the calls. When they call to complain to you incessantly about your siblings, don't make the relationship your problem and let them know that if they're going to call you to complain to you about their siblings, that you'd rather they didn't call. Adults, have options that they didn't have as kids.
I'm so glad this video came up again. Because I can see where I responded to it three years ago. I am seeing it played out by the letter right now with someone in my neighborhood. The clarity and the explanation in this video is shining a bright light on this situation. The person I am speaking of will paint a picture of me around the neighborhood that fits her perspective. Yet, she and I are not joined at the hip and I am nothing like her. As victims of people like this, we can see the danger playing out. And yes I use the word danger. They not only like to glue themselves to you. But they also like to paint the picture that you are also glued to them. I don't stick to anybody.
Thank you for making the distinction between being bothered by the lack of empathy in the word and being personally obsessed with receiving empathy while giving none to others. I’m tired of narcissists seeing me as an endless source of empathy and then being accused of being an ice queen when I stop playing along. When you love someone what hurts them hurts you and their problems become your problems and vice versa but with a narcissist they give you full responsibility to shield them from the difficulties of life while caring nothing about what happens to you. They look like a soldier laying in Flanders field but they are actually and opium addict doing smack. Walk away and find a real fellow soldier and don’t look down on them when at times they are too weak to stand because they are human. Don’t worry if they are a real soldier they’ll get up again. Life is brutally hard on good people. It’s also really tough on idiots. I’m learning to discern the difference.
@@joeldwest capitalism more of a form of socialism that embodies the ideology of rugged individualism that promotes cutthroat competition in a dog eat dog rat race. But when it is well regulated, it is the best system of sovereignty in a modern day collective society.
Thank you for this. I realize today how strong I am for surviving what I went through. She drained me 99% and tried to convince me to commit suicide. It's been three years. I have finally regained my smile and am doing well.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
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I am a therapist, and you are accurate in your representation of this matter! Most people experiencing Cluster B personality disorders will never receive mental health services or agree to being assessed. Not even for couples therapy… or might go to a few sessions of couples or family therapy to try to convince the therapist that they are not the problem, but intend to blame another person within the family system or their partner. As soon as some balance is showed, and both parts need to assume responsibility over their faults, the narcissistic person will abandon the process…
I think, for aspd at least, that many of them avoid therapy because they believe that psychologists don't intend to or are professionally unable to help them. I'm not sure about the rest of cluster B, but aspd has a long history of having their disorder used by popular media for monster under the bed type characters (to the point where the disorder had to be relabeled twice) combined with psychologists mostly saying they have no real way of helping patients with the disorder. Any high functioning aspd person that is aware of that history is going to see therapy as a high risk situation with no pay off.
@@soujemn5 yeah, any comments about any pds with cluster-b traits. People talk about what methods they can use to hurt people with those disorders, how they will be happy to see them dead. No surprise anyone with cluster-b traits will be at least cautious at approaching anyone about it. Our society has accepted that when a depressed person hurts people around by being depressed it is the fault of pathology that can be treated. When it comes to NPD, BPD or ASPD, we just assume that those are monster people that have to be "dealt with".
An X of mine arranged for couples therapy for us with her therapist -- which is not a great situation in the first place but I agreed nonetheless. We all said hello and the therapist asked my X what bothered her about the relationship. The therapist took her response, suggested a compromise and asked me if I could agree to that. I said, "sure." She then asked my X who refused and the two of them spent the rest of the session arguing about it. By the end of the session the only words I had said were, "hello," "sure," and "goodbye." A few days went by and I asked my X when we were going back. She said she was looking for a new therapist but never mentioned therapy again.
This worked like a charm! I remembered to set a boundary (for the first time) Who knew it could be that easy? First date, this guy wouldn't stop droning on about his "crazy" X's, so I kindly told him I didn't want to hear about them..ie NO. And just like that he was enraged! All I could think was what a relief not to spend weeks or months to find that out. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Any complaining about "crazy" exes - ESPECIALLY if it's more than one - is a caution flag, imo. And if the person says ALL their exes have been crazy? Nope. That was you, buddy. That's a person who is unable to admit, or even see, their own interpersonal faults.
I'm sure you probably know this but in case you don't, anytime someone calls all of their exes crazy, it is code for: I made an otherwise sane and rational person at crazy because of how I treated them. I'm the common denominator. A friend of my ex's has taken my side and told me that he used to assume that all of his exes were just crazy. He said that he has come to realize that he has treated all of them except for the first one pretty badly and that's why they reacted the way they did. Two of his friends have taken my side now. They both confirmed what I suspected about him. He's a leech and a cheater
Omfg! I just felt fckn drained by one recently, the minute I cut away, i started feeling better. She's a Scorpio moon btw, thank you God for helping me dodge that bullet!
This is one of the best breakdowns of it I have ever seen thus far... And being a victim of a dark triad type personality who really had a substantial effect on my whole life, it caused me to be to be nearly obsessive in the amount I was searching for answers I never got from my abuser.. so I have watched, read, studied, observed, tested, validated endless data and resources on the topic and just something about this video it lays it out in such a well defined understanding of the whole entire topic and makes me wish I watched this years ago... Phenomenal work. You really know your stuff and you've gained a new fan without a doubt. Thanks for this. 🙏🏻
@@xLionsxxSmithyx i wouldn't go that far, seems a lot.. but 20-30% minimum.. yes.I dunno. Many of us all have traits. Real narcissism (pathological) is smthg else..
Ur literally speaking my words... Just saying, I never realized how STEREOTYPICAL my life has been...Sad that family disfuntion is understood and has affected so many without prejudice or a 2nd glance. I'm just scared after listening and searching....I think i am or was Or may still b part Narcissist..I sound as bat shit crazy as I think she sounds. But I stopped arguing and she has spun outta control drinking and so on...I worry
Yup at about 33 I started to come to the realization I'm crazy but now I see...it was her And now turns my child against me? Lies in court, wrote the judge a letter attesting to said crap and she didn't show up for court yet her letter got me 3 visits a wk down to 1 by court order, well The orders out the window bc if i say or do anything my child gets drug into the adult drama. So talk about stuck between a rock ends hard place...
BigHenFor. Agreed. I believe narcissists, sociopaths and psychos are essentially the same: evil. The differences between them are insignificant in my opinion and a psychiatrist has to come up with names for these people because they're not allowed to diagnose someone as evil.
I love the way you put these things. Paraphrasing here, "It doesn't really matter what their clinical diagnosis is...I just don't want to deal with them anymore". Brilliant!
Narcissists don't seek just an emotional reaction. They FEED off of the energetic fuel you supply -- whether the energy is positive or negative. They are energetic vampires who will suck the very life out of those they trap. RUN! and never look back!
Chris if the person is infact a narcissist, then I agree and im not kidding. definitely kill them if you can get away with it. eww I sound a bit psycho.
His ping-ponging from compassion to rage and blame is exhausting. I have told him there is no win for me. Meaning that I am wrong when I admit error, because when I explain and apologize he then asks what my motives are and why I did and do everything. When I told him there was no win for me I was trying to express that I felt I had no grace from him. I would fall into defensiveness and trying to find the right words to mitigate things-I flat out told him I was looking for a win-win. He dismissed that out of hand. If I have a win, he must be losing. Yesterday he asked if things were so bad why hadn’t I left. That’s a very good question for which I honestly don’t have a good answer. I was afraid, more afraid of being alone than dealing with him.
Hello,you wrote a comment about narcissist know alls,i have a fond memory of watching a quiz show with a nacrcissist i had been abused by but was ending contact with,he thought he was a genius but i loved answering question after question,he was a lonely,isolated evil thing that had no idea of the capabilities of others.
Even if you do manage to behave "perfectly" it will be deemed wrong by the narcissist. They will find a way to make your flawless behaviour wrong. They will attack you for being too good and claim you are fake and a liar. They always accuse you of the very same things they are doing. So if they are constantly suspicious of you and worrying that you are sleeping around be very aware... they are probably doing this themselves.
Lol yeah my favorite was "STOP BEING SO FUCKING SHALLOW!" by a narc ex bf who oogly eyed and hit on pretty girls including my friend at my own birthday, like wtf haha, the mental gymnastics they go through is comical. The sad part is she was the one who apologized later, and she didn't do anything wrong! smh
I've been interacting with 1 since July! The red flags were small but there in beginning. Started with having a prob with & trying to bulldoze boundaries & within a very short time frame escalated now into me being attacked & accused a couple nights ago of talking to other men etc...I knew immediately he was talking to other women...& once I confronted him the full blown NARC came out to play with wordsalads, deflecting, blameshifting, being a victim & then polishing it off with gaslighting. Im actually in fear now 😱 now!!! I ghosted him & hes messaged me 100s of messages trying to suck me back in to trauma-bond & control! Another redflag I've been completely sucked dry of all my Energy!!!
EVERYONE SAYS MY ATTITUDE IS BAD BUT ITS NOT TRUE ITS BECAUSE A NARCISSIST THAT IS UNFORTUNATELY MY MOTHER STARTED ALL THIS ... EVERYDAY IM BEING TERRORIZED
Yes! Yes! Yes!! I ran myself nuts trying to anticipate the every need of my narcissist... his exact words. "You're just a better liar than everyone else, you must be so proud. " that's the day it clicked for me. I immediately found a therapist who had to walk me through how to untie myself from him.
@@ukfetishblonde Good job👍 Dont believe anything. Dont believe no one. Dont believe me😀 Question evetything! Only trust yourself and your truth.👊 God bless
@@ukfetishblonde I have dealt with lying narcs all my life. And from experience I have learn to trust my instinct because not once when I had a doubt in my heart about something or someone that in the end that doubt was right. Listen and follow your heart and trust yourself❤ God bless
I got chills when he said what he said at the beginning. Because for the first time I felt disdain for this man. This is why I need to continue watching.
It's not a competition. You are both suppose to bring out the very best. Does this actually happen. Idk. I haven't had it. Would be nice a two way thing...fill one another up. Not get attacked. Not have to surrender all dreams and desires to make the other feel whole. Bleed everything you are. Everything you'd like to be. But you're the only one actually doing work. Not fun. Everyone has a certain amount of healthy nassism. I rejected all that a loooong time ago. Part of my own distortion
My x is so competitive 24/7. It was crazy. I thought I was at fault. It’s so hard to understand because it felt like sexual tension when he did it and I hated and liked it. 🥴🤷♀️
You can not say NO to a Narcissism.... they will attack and throw a tantrum. They are always right; and you were put on earth to serve; and support them completely. Excluding them from your life is the only option. if you have a need to help others...volunteer at your local Red Cross or Soup Kitchen. If you enjoy helping others, Narcissus will gravitate toward you; and you will become their property... so identify and reject them from the beginning. Stay Safe Everyone.
So true! I dared say no to dogsitting my BIL'S then new wife, my daughter is extremely allergic to dogs and my landlord did not allow pets, she seemed okay with it but spent the next two years making my life hell, she was a covert narcissist so everyone was on her side until she went too far and even though my in laws thought I still should take it I finally said no more, she's still fully in control of my BIL he's on Xanax now, docile, medicated and completely under her control, sad for him, but so happy I only have to see this monster when required to do so by my in-laws, some holidays, few times a year, and now during those times she pretends to be nice because she knows I won't stand for mistreatment, life is good again.
@@solstice1681 I know people like that. My father for example, will be nice and appear to be a great person, but mostly because there are witnesses--it has nothing to do with me standing up for myself anymore. My ex husband was the same. I remember saying to a neighbor once, "you will never SEE us fight or argue". That was an an epiphany moment for me. If that statement is true for anyone else, it's a red flag. Run!
Well they not only believe they own you but they will suck the life force out of you. I've met others who are ill with chronic fatigue and their partners are overtly cruel and controlling. They will suck you dry and keep pushing and hurting you until you break.
@@buildsbest I'm glad you said something about the chronic fatigue. I once suffered from severe depression that was accompanied with a whole lot of sleeping. Once I cut out narcissistic type people from my life, I was almost immediately depression free and much more energetic. In hindsight, I guess that my sleep was an escape from reality more than being actualky tired. I often wonder if a lot of cases of chronic fatigue are a side effect of depression.
I'm kind of just realizing that most people that are around (men and women) are either narcissistic, bored and want to be entertained or just out if my league mentally. So I'm doing a lot of reading and alone time. Boosting myself up
My mother had definite narcissistic traits. I remember the 'push/pull' parenting when I was small, the difference in treatment when my very passive dad was at work 12 hours a day compared to when he was home, she dragged me up to my room at 10 and started packing a suitcase threatening to send me to boarding school for some perceived transgression, and the last straw was when she went to hit me (of the many, many times) when I was about 13....I put my hand up to defend myself and she told my father that 'Your son tried to hit me' as soon as he walked through the door. I hated her, and she left me with a trauma that affected my relationships throughout my life. Those are just what stuck with me the most. I loved my Dad, but was sad that she outlived him as it stood in the way of me trying to have a relationship with him. She would pout like a child when not getting her way, and imho, was the curse my father married. He would have had a considerably better life without her, and she had the nerve to question why after age 19 I visited twice in 25 years.
My mother exactly 💯. She shows up at my house without being welcome. My husband and I have asked her not to show up unannounced and I have basically detached from the cycle. I reached my limit. We have a nice peaceful life with our two children and every time she would enter our house, we would immediately be subjected to chaos. I finally realized that I didn't have to put up with the invasive, abrasive treatment especially in my own home.
Glad to know I’m not alone! I had to cut my mother out of my life because she would not respect any boundaries Especially she would not reach out over the phone before just stopping by which we asked her over and over to do. It just got too hard for me and I still feel so much shame for cutting out my mother but I couldn’t do it anymore I needed to be happy for my family and kids
Absolutely. They demand all of this sympathy, empathy, respect, love, understanding, patience, etc, etc... and they're the people that are the least likely to give any of it to you. It's because they're completely devoid of the emotions and can only experience them through you. I think I explained it best, to my wife, when I said, "You're a vampire that feeds on the emotions of others."
This helps me understand my fear of expressing a boundary.. because I expect it to be an extreme response.. the sort of extreme response I received growing up.
THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO. THIS IS WHAT I NEEDED. Thank you. This is so clear and concise and basic that a child to adult can understand it. Your right is to say NO. You can say NO. If someone freaks out/gets mad, there should be a red flag going up. Period.
I actually said this to my ex recently saying "I'm not replying any further and I'm not a game for you to play with or to feed your ego" He's not replied since 😊
7:19 in and you just made me realize that the narcissist isn't really smarter than I am! They are just winning because I didn't even know we were in competition I thought we were in a relationship. ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!
When a Narcissist can shut you down to shut you up---YOU ARE NO LONGER THINKING---you are no longer using your logical reasoning to see and respond to the situation you are actually IN! This automatically DISARMS you from protecting yourself! You don't need to fight against them---it's time to get out, already, for them putting you in that situation in the 1st place!
Excellent description. I used to wonder why some people made me feel defensive and others made me totally drained and joyless! I now stay well clear and am much happier for it.
The "daily drama" hits the nail on the head. There is ALWAYS something that someone is arguing about in their family. Like, every single day without fail. And, you are expected to listen to and validate this person's perspective. You have to enforce their "rightness" and agree about the "wrongness" of the others. If you even doubt their "rightness" for a moment by suggesting a more balanced approach and seeing the other's perspective, they flip their targets onto you! Now you are the oppressor! It's truly crazy. Oh, and you can suggest all day that they get away from the drama, and they will completely agree with you verbally. But, their actions always take them right back into the drama. They can't let go of it. Walk away and save yourself years of trying to fix this. Some people will be 70 years old still carrying out the same patterns. I've wasted the last 3.5 years on this, and just recently walked away. Peace is the first thing you notice.
Same.. My mom raised me and my siblings to be very co-dependent and to feel responsible for her and my dad's emotions and the mood of the house. If one of them was unhappy, we all suffered and were punished. As an adult, I tried to talk to my mom about how things in my childhood affected me as I was on a journey of healing including trying to heal the wounds from our relationship, but she would always explode and shut me down if I ever brought up my pain about the past. I was gentle and never accusatory but she couldn't listen, nor did she care to fix our relationship. That's when I realized I can't change her. It's not my job to and I need just let go because she will only continue to be abusive and reopen those wounds. So I starting talking to a therapist, working on boundaries and distancing myself, realizing I won't get the understanding or love I need from her. She doesn't know how to be a mother, not to myself or any of my 5 siblings. We have all distanced ourselves, to protect ourselves. Now I let God be my source of healing and love. His love is enough and he has placed people in my life who carry that love and walk in the same compassion that I value and strive to embody in my relationships.
YES! My dad will not drop or leave an interaction until he receives his "emotional coin", I call it. I could be as neutral/logical/centered as I want, and the interaction for him is still about getting me to respond to his emotional level. Everything is always loaded with some form of judgement/shame/culpability. I still live with my parents at age 34, and it has at times been a harrowing/grueling path, with frequent/recurrent thoughts about what life or reality even is, and if I should try to... "exit", which of course I do not actually want, and do not wish for anyone else, but it gets extremely dark. Love you whoever is reading this. You are not alone. 💗
Here is a simple way to help ‘allow’ you to interact with a narcissist at work…I give them 5 one dollar bills and tell them that each time they want my attention, they have to give me a dollar, when their $5 is gone, they have to pay me $10 each time after that…when I first started doing this, they looked at me like I was nuts, but took the money, best $5 I ever spent😂😂😂.
@Maria Silva Maria, in my notifications, I see that you gave me a very sweet and kind reply, and even here the tab under my original comment, says a number of replies that suggests your response is underneath, but when I expand/open the replies, I cannot find your reply, nor do I find your account when I search. I wish I could find you to say, THANK YOU my dear. Love you 💗
Please leave. You owe them NOTHING. For your own peace of mind, your mental and physical well-being, leave! I implore you, you are a good person, go find your happiness. You deserve it so x
@@LOOTLORD605 It is. The narc I knew didn't say it but it was clear he didn't know how to say no. He's self employed and couldn't say no to work even though he knew he didn't have the time to do it. He would say yes and just not do it. I thought he was a people pleasing nice person but now I know different.
Narcissist- can I ask you a favor? You can say no if you want to...I promise I won't get mad. Me- No! Narcissist- all the things I do for you and you're telling me no!! Then seeing the narcissist sitting on the couch folded arms POUTING.... at 57 yrs old!
Man, you know, when i ask people to do me a favor I usually add in that "you don't have to if you don't want to"! But... I mean it. I had an ex friend who ended up being an extremely COVERT narcissist tell me that I was manipulating her when I did that. I didn't understand, I thought it was giving them an out to feel comfortable saying no. I try not to do it these days but it's so ingrained in me. I was raised by narcissists, after all.
This is one of the best explanations of narcissism I’ve heard/read. It’s so hard for me to convey to people how narcissists operate and why they are so dangerous! Part 2 on the invasion of boundaries is particularly important and allows you to feel exactly the confusion and disgust these monsters instil in you when they start pushing you slowly but insidiously towards the edge. I felt so helpless and violated when I was ensnared in a situation where my livelihood depended on the most disgusting, depraved animal. He twisted all of my strengths and skills into defects and tried to exploit and buy my work at a much lower price than it was worth. He only employs foreigners and relies on their unwillingness to stand up for their rights. I thank God every day for His mercy in opening my eyes, saving me from all narcissists and giving me a second life to live happy and in peace! It’s like I was blind for decades and now I see Heaven.
When I broke up with my ex he admitted that yeah, he wanted to push my boundaries to see until which point he could go. He said it so proudly, like if it was so smart of him to always push me and push me, all the time. The only thing he felt sorrow for was that I wasn't crying while I was breaking up with him, like if he expected me to feel so sorry. I wasn't. I was simply so tired after all the lies I have discovered he told our friends about me. My life has improved so much from that break up, it's astounding: my relationship with my family and friends, my work life, my self esteem, etc... Literally everything has improved, while when I was with him I was constantly on egg shells because I couldn't predict his mood swings and what he would complain about me that day
Yes, they can't believe that you're leaving when you don't yell or cry. But that's when it's serious- like you said, you're just fed up. The line has been crossed and there is NO MORE MERCY in your heart for that Charity Case.
I've heard many men say, "I like to push a woman's boundaries" which is a rapist mentality. The ones who say such things are rarely aware of how it comes across, and sadly, society teaches men that it is acceptable. There are fools right here on RUclips giving women such as "advice" as "men will try to push your boundaries" as if women should expect it as normal and forget about the fact that they should be advising men, "if you're trying to push a woman's boundaries, then you're a predator and need to seek help." Healthy people push their *own* boundaries. Unhealthy people push the boundaries of others. It's the difference between someone training for a marathon, engaging in the race, then feeling accomplished because they pushed their own boundaries to better their run time, as opposed to someone who creates problems for others to get an emotional response until their victim snaps.
When I left my ex I told him in ten years of marriage he’s never truly apologized, everything was always my fault. The level of resentment and invalidation that I felt was beyond words. I genuinely don’t even think he knew it was wrong but real love will always seek to support and validate you and try to understand you. Toxic people have little self awareness. I have trauma myself, but it really comes down to treating people with respect.
My 3daughters and SIL. They cannot and will not listen to your feelings. NEVER. They always turn it on you. And, I listen to the youngest and she says what she has against me and I apologize and say I will never do whatever again and that isn't enough, it is YOU will ALWAYS be this way. Ok. Middle daughter is a vicious narc and has no way to hide it now that she has a TBI. She wants to destroy us, especially me. After we disengaged with her she still stalks my FB page and when I posted about narcs, she and only she put a mocking laugh emoji. The others just play the accusation and blame game calling me the narc. Whatever. The fruit tells the story.
Toxic people have total self awareness. They are all about pretense and deceit. Don't fall for it. Also, while it is useful to learn about NPD and all, it should be studied in conjunction with evil. Often pathologising leads to us getting further confused and losing sight of the elephant in the room, "evil".
All of this stuff does such a number on one’s mind. Including questioning our own sanity and asking whether or not we ourselves are narcs. Cutting people off seems so unnatural, and it’s only harder the closer they are to us. This video clears up so much. Thank you!
It's not unnatural for everybody to cut somebody off. It gets easier the more you do it. Please do not make a blanket statement like that. It's not hard for everyone. You just have to learn to have better boundaries. It gets easier the more you do it like I said. I'll share with you basically what I tell people who try to cross my boundaries. I tell them, respect my boundaries or deal with my absence. There is no negotiation on that.
@jansonrawlings8169 probably as many times as anyone else? Ever consider they may have good healthy boundaries, and perhaps their need to cut people off is because they meet unhealthy people? Consider perhaps you are criticizing someone with no context and subtly calling them a narcissistic to dismiss something they are doing, which is having boundaries. You are dismissing them having boundaries, you know, like a narcissist, consider that.
0:00 Exploitativeness And Entitlement As The More Dangerous Traits Of A Narcissist
3:34 There Must Be An Invasion Of Your Boundary
7:49 The Fastest No Test
12:20 You Saying No Shouldn't Cause A Negative Emotional Reaction In Any Normal Person
14:25 Narcissists Will Frequently Covertly Coerce You Into Giving Way More Of Your Time And Attention Than They Deserve
18:49 Over Assumption Of Intimacy Is Also A Boundary Break
21:23 Wrapping Up
This is cool- I love how you break it down like this. Thank you! :)
The person does something heinous.
You call them out.
Then they ACT as the victims as a result of your calling them out on the heinous thing they did falsely claiming to be offended. Many Millennials do this daily as the norm
Where was this advise when I needed it? Thanks for your real insightful helpful life saving presentation
@GluttonousDragon did you miss that in English composition?
you know, ive found that narcissists tend to project their own failings as a personal attack to your person. I remember i gave a producer a chance to do his job and when he didnt pull through, i called him out saying he failed us again, and he lost his shit, granted i got mad and the discussion got heated, but i was already being insulted by the guy before that and this day he went the extra mile, all i did was say "we dont need you, please get out of my way" and he started telling my partner "yeah take him away" as to regain control of the situation?, anyways he later said that i was aggressive and was ready to fight, when i was the one who chose to stop and walk away while he kept yelling excuses and profanities at me(again i aint innocent, i took the bait and screamed at him too, but it was a long time coming if im being honest, i dont regret it, but i do wish id handled it better)
This is most helpful and excellent.
No one on this earth gets more angry than a narcissist being accused of doing something they absolutely did.
Absolutely true and well said.
Yup, and then they'll accuse you of doing the exact thing that they're doing.
One favorite test of mine is when one of them does something shitty and SAYS they did something shitty (as a way of fishing for you to disagree with them or placate/reassure them), I agree with them in a reasonable way. And I see the reaction.
This is true
It’s true and sad.
"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, it's no big deal.
And if it is, it's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if it did... You deserved it."
@ Troy Gainey: Exactly. It's Always *"you"*; that's 'WRONG'/'FUCKED UP'/the BAD\MAL-ADAPT;-- it's never, **Ever** THEM!!👍✌!
Sounds like OJ Simpson. If I did it.
So true.
Awesome summary 💯👌
Unfortunately it goes just like that 😵
Exactly
Once you've detached and are basically watching from a sideline perspective, them giving you the silent treatment is fantastic.
Yes enjoy 😉
I'm days out of discarding my Narcissist and can't wait for the silent treatment after the Rage and Bad mouthing happens.
@@panheadbob2926 Might be time for you to give the silent treatment. It's not easy for rage and bashing with no feedback. It works to disconnect.
No kidding!! I'm in this phase now and he hasn't spoke to me in a few days. This the best few days I've had all week little does he know lol 😆
When you detach, detach all the way and you'll quickly see how they behave like babies.
I could never see the manipulation and entitlement until I was able to split from the narcissist. Now I can’t unsee it.
i wonder how much time youve spent relecting on your own mistakes?
@@gschaaf713Every day
Isn’t the “smear campaign” fun? 😣
@@loriloo1039wow that actually did happen to me
I couldn't see the manipulation until i was out
My then husband told me I was a push over and had to learn to stand up for myself. I started doing so where I needed it most.... standing up to him and his mother. He literally said, " I didn't mean at home!" That was when I realized how bad the relationship was.
Omg wow,glad you got away 🙏🏼💖🐻
Sounds so familiar!!
Stand up for your self😍, not with me damnit 😡
You are for the narc to exploit no one else
That means, he absolutely knew what damage he was doing to you. You were amazing and so strong to get away!
I took care of my ex-boyfriend during his cancer treatment. Then he tore his Achilles tendon and I turned into the helper climbing stairs in his 4 story house to fetch items, cleaning and cooking. Then I was sick and asked for water and some soup. He brought me water from the bathroom in his cup he used to rinse after brushing. I would say, Don't devote yourself to someone for a long time without asking for a simple favor to see how they re-act. Don't think you are a narcisist if you get emotional when you given so much and you ask for a favor and your partner says, don't make your problems mine. Make sure the relationship is balanced with giving and taking from the start so you don't feel used.
I learned this recently after several years of taking care of him whenever he was ill surgery's, bad days, doting on him. I got covid, and he wouldn't even get me a glass of cold water, constant blame that it's my fault I got sick and maybe I'm not as sick as I'm pretending to be. And never getting checked on.
@@vp8632I'm so glad to be away from him. I finally learned to notice friends that do the same thing. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. Being a giver all the time will backfire. ❤️
Exactly the compassion isn’t returned.i did that and cared for 3 months after the thing had an accident. In that time I was abused but made exceptions as he had a small brain injury . But he was also cheating at the same time while milking my care . Then I got sick after I finally after too many breakups he’d keep wearing me down until the end happen by a family member going toxic in him . Save yourself . I don’t throw your pearls to pigs so says the bible . We are alive and that is a miracle .
100%!!!! Lol I found this out the hard way
@@liabeachy "the thing"... Wow... That's brilliant. It's good to put a fitting name on it. It helps sooooo much to de-personalize it. It isn't quite fully human and, for me, this realization (as gut-wrenching as it was) was the linchpin for my resurrection. This was HUGE. 25 years married, with at least 14 years of (now) identifiable/documented incremental identify erosion (it is so subtle). Gut-wrenching, but absolutely necessary, realisation. Our son and daughter are 16.... it's nearly impossible to find mental health professionals who are aware of pathological parenting or who are willing/open to learning about it. Lord have mercy on me and my children (and you, as well). God heal, bless, restore and PROTECT us.
I notice with a heavy heart so many comment on feeling attacked when they are happy. The narc is not happy seeing us happy. I tried explaining this to friends and even therapists and they shrug it off. I think its well meaning, but whenever something good happens for me I get really scared and resort to freezing mode and isolation to avoid sabotage. Makes me cry to even think about that what they do is real and its not in my head. Hugs to all of you going through this!! We can only become stronger when the darkness comes to light.
I don't think anyone Who hasn't been through this can understand this. Also narcs are very aware of how vulnerable their victims are. If it makes you feel better - I punished my narc by letting him overfeed himself. Ha-ha bitch. Now I can laugh and laugh (on the inside)
I can confirm this.
My EXTREMELY narc ex used to find ways to bring me down the second I got happy or was doing something for myself (like trying to better myself by learning a new skill or gain knowledge).
Because they are such negative creatures, it's much harder for them to "feed" off positive emotions. They prefer negative ones. It's a lot tastier for them, people's suffering. They love it!
That's why they never like to see you happy and will do whatever they can to keep you miserable and depressed, as that puts you in the right vibration in order for them to feed from you.
Narcs are modern day vampires, but the feed off people's energy instead of blood....and they will do it until you are drained and dead if you are not careful.
They will feel no remorse for destroying a life.
Oh Sweetheart I feel your pain, for so long my narc had everyone believing i was loosing my mind and getting mean to the point that my own children were trying to get me to self commit, and he always cheated and I would catch him and he would always blame me!!!! He himself still needs to be institutionalized!!! It took hours of secretly recording him and finally one day my daughter called and i my ringer off and she got to here him cussing me, and even after all that i loved him and wouldn't leave, I still love a man that never existed!!!! And part of me always will, and if i ever date again, i would be looking for that mythical man in ever other man i dated! Because the man I fell in love with was second to only God!!! Thank you for listening!!!
My father could not allow anyone to have a good time. Or if he did, it was unusual...probably centered around when he was being a do-gooder, or he was eating. He was a troubled person who could not, would not, face himself. We had a beautiful home, food, good care medically...but we were not allowed to enjoy it. So sad.
@@TheMurlocKeeper spot on.
I love the part where you said "beyond a certain point it's not about them anymore, it's about you, that's what's essential to your healing" Very important to shift that focus, thank you very much
I agree. But did Richard heal?
@@DonBraidwood lol, 9 months is too long ago for me to recall this. "Did Richard heal"? I have no idea what he did or didn't do in his journey and healing process. May we all find love and support on our paths. Namaste
I got in trouble with my family for calling my mom a narcissist on RUclips.I’m going no contact.I’m 58.I don’t want to take care of my family’s mental health anymore.I’ve been doing it since I was 4.I don’t know how much time I have on Earth to live my own life. I’m finished being everyone’s mental health counselor!
Called her a narcissist on RUclips using your real name in the video, so she is embarrassed in front of people who know her? Not nice, regardless of whether she is a narcissist or not.
Yes Molly, yes❤
I'm going through this right now!
Best wishes to you!
Yes, do detach and decicate your time and energy to you. Live your life the best you can, you are right life goes by fast.
I ve struggeled with similar problems but i paid hard money for my own healing in therapy and they didn't want to invest for themselves. I began to say when they come with their drama that therapy is also an option. I am not listening anymore. Then they bring all the old stuff from childhood and I have to say no not anymore. I've done my work, go do yours i don't care anymore. Saying no never felt so good. Lots of blessings to you 🙏❤️✨
@@vornamenachname9820 Nice little demonstration of victim blaming there.
@@juliesims1296 no it isn’t at all
When someone shows you who they are, believe them... don't second guess it, don't delay it thinking they will get better. They won't. Period.
People need to learn to Listen to that little voice that seems (to me) to get quieter the older we get and the more we mistrust our own minds
That’s such a great quote! Remember the end of it: Maya Angelou said “the first time”. I had forgotten that until I looked up the quote a few days ago to refresh my memory. Believe them THE FIRST TIME they show you who they are. I, once again, gave someone the benefit of the doubt and did not believe them “the first time” they acted in a way and showed me who they are. It’s such a typical response for a narc to treat you bad, then, when you disconnect from them, they are grasping for straws to get you back and they’re wondering “Oh what did I do?” when, in fact, they know what they do/did.
When you know, you go
I learned that the hard way!
Agreed. Huge issue when that person is your elderly mother. ....
And brother. And sister.
I think about suicide daily just to not deal with then anymore.
Once I started watching all of these videos about Narcissism, my entire life made sense. And it was an enormous relief to know that I am not crazy! This explains why the lies, why the drama, why the gaslighting, why the punishment when ever I've said "No". Some of my experiences with my mother and my sister would curl your hair!
I understand completely. Exactly the same here. Took me 50 years to work it out after watching Richard. I love my mum but now I understand it I don't feed the avatar she has created of herself.
Me too
Same
It doesn’t hurt so bad. Its kinda sad though
All of the online content about narcissists has been life changing for me.
This video is basically an outstanding free psychology lesson, and this comment section is an outstanding free conference with a plethora of speakers. Wow. I love it. I could stay here all day.
Why did it take me 40 yrs to say to myself:
“You don’t HAVE to go to every fight you’re invited to”
Right
42yrs here hunni. Now we have our chips❤❤
Phat Girl I love it!
I got my eyes open after 20 years of marriage. Until then, I was convinced that's something is terribly wrong with me.
Because you are normal person
My counselor once told me: "If you really want to get to know someone, Tell them, No!" ~ Mr. Terry
💖🙏💕
Yes!!
This is different though somebody tells you they are going to buy you a car then say wait now I changed my mind. No car for you. That was my husband. That hurt me and upset me. It’s future faking. I don’t think that counts.
So true. When I was a dating one man I told him no about something and he turned into a creep. A side that I never saw but thankful I did.
I said "no" to a request and was abandoned on Thanksgiving. Literally, he said I was on my own. And the time I expressed my frustration with him I learned what crocodile tears are.
simple and true!
They like to accuse and condemn others of the same things they're doing wrong.
So true!!!
called manipulation
Kim Dalessandro YESSSS!!! Exactly!! That always made my head spin!! He'd write bad checks or not pay bills that were due but if anyone wrote HIM a bad check? If anyone slacked on HIM not paying him on time? Good gracious....rage.
Narcs like to accuse their partner of things they are doing.
Correct. It's called PROJECTION.
Yep. This is the one sure fire way I’ve been telling people for years.
Tell them “no” and watch how they respond. Not how they reply - because (especially covert) narcissists know how to control a conversation and won’t give themselves away immediately.
They can easily say that it’s “no big deal” and pretend they’re fine in the moment, but watch how they respond over the next few days. They will NOT be ok with it and they’ll find ways to make people regret saying no.
It’s perfect because it removes you from the equation. You’re not talking about the narc or trying to convince people to believe you or take your side. Just an invitation to tell the person “no” and watch what happens from there.
Yep, I tried several times to break it off with my ex. Every time I would tell him I was done and that I was leaving him, he would say you don't mean that. You're just mad. Calm down and you'll stop saying that. The problem was that I was stuck with him. I was 70 mi away from my hometown with no way to get home. It took a friend having to come get me for me to be able to leave him.
Great point! Coverts will appear okay in the moment, but undoubtedly will do something passive aggressive behind your back and sometimes never express anything negative directly to you.
I had one move in next door. She would visit at least twice a DAY. I tried explaining that I liked my peace and quiet but she never took the hint. Eventually I locked my gate. The NEXT day, she broke in and pounded on my door. She'd been to the police and got a trespass notice to give ME! 😂😂😂😂😂😂
@johenderson3742 that's hilarious! My husband had a similar experience with a friend of his who always called on him for help when he found himself in the middle of reaping the consequences of his own bad choices. The last time we heard from him a few weeks ago, he called my husband as usual to ask for a favor. My husband simply said no. The "friend" went nuts and had the hilariously misguided audacity to tell my husband that if my husband ever called HIM again, HE would get a restraining order against MY HUSBAND! Not one to argue, my husband immediately hung up on him and blocked his number. Just a couple days ago my husband received a voicemail from the ex-"friend" to ask if my husband would be his best man (the guy has been engaged like 6 times in the past three years). Of course we just deleted the message and didn't respond to it. But we still find the whole thing ridiculously hilarious!
I'm a psychotherapist. I often listen to coaches and other non-clinicians for insights, and I'm always screening what they say for inaccuracies. This guy is spot on!
Unless well trained many clinicians know very little about this topic.
Yes!! Refreshingly so!!
Yes!!
I agree.
People like us who were exposed to prolongued abuse have built up a lot of experience with narcissism in a practical sense. When we study the topic it puts a zillion pieces of puzzle together. I think that is why some of us become rather good in making observations or assessements.
I like his order in his thinking and indeed he has a very tight grasp on the topic.
Fake smiles always. They warn you in the beginning that they are a bad person. Believe them. Get away. No one says that.
Theresa Brewer fake smiles yes and when the smile disappears, oh boy...
Theresa Brewer yes they do my fiancée does this when I ask him if he’s cheating, he smirks it’s like he wants to laugh in my face but holds it back.
Theresa Brewer yes believe them I agree
Brooke Millie Omgosh girl get rid of him anyway you can. You deserve a good guy and you know it. He’s a turnoff. The sooner you get away the sooner you’ll heal the soooner you can find a good guy ! Wake up.
Brooke Millie you don’t like it now ? Imagine you have children and your worn out at night , and he’s going out with other women , and you KNOW , THIS , THIS OS AS GOOD NOW IT GETS , HE IS SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOU TO BITS NOW , IT CAN Only GETWORSE , GET OUT NOW ,! Do you want to live like this all your life ?
They hurt you and get mad at you for feeling hurt and upset like it’s your fault... 🤬🤬
Yes have had that.
Well kind of, In my experience they show that smug smile/satisfaction when they manage to hurt you.
imagine being born as a soldier in the middle of a war, and you are expected to deal with life as a soldier, not emotions allowed or you get beaten..etc
certainly, you will get used to it and define as normal and expect others to do so as well.
it's like a circle of life:
a child gets hurt so bad that he becomes a psycho or a narc, then he hurts another and gives them whatever trauma, and then that traumatized person raise kids, or that narc or whatever raise kids in a harsh environment or rape other's child..etc the cycle continues on.
when will this cycle end?
when you start actually caring about those fukin children and not hate them since their youth.
I can't describe how much hate I was treated with by everyone during my childhood till my adolescence, just because I was acting in a way I wasn't aware of.
get raped, abused, bullied, and neglected for your whole childhood and adding to that you are not allowed to cry or laugh or you get beaten the shit out of you. and then tell me, if you would have made the same actions or not.
but let's be honest here, everyone lacks empathy and even sympathy in a way or another. no one understands, and no one is even trying to understand. in the end, you are the one who CHOSE to be with that type of people, so the blame is on you. birds of a feather flock together.
if you liked a narc or a psycho, then certainly there's a problem in you or in your mind, ask any psychologist about that, they would agree. ( in a nice indirect way)
people got what they didn't deserve so they give others what they didn't deserve. makes sense for me.
@@vajrayana4504 Yes I've seen that kind of smile when he told me...well we are only friends, I thought you knew that. The next night he phoned to say he didn't mean it and it must never be mentioned again!! Brain Scrambler!!
Omar Omax not many people will appreciate what you wrote, but I truly understand and appreciate the breadth of what you’re saying: the abusers who were themselves abused need compassion and understanding in a world that has very little tolerance for the abused who don’t know/can’t act any different without the therapy of self compassion and pure unadulterated love- seeing past their faults to see their need. Sociopaths exists because their world shunned their light and very essence. If we can love children for their essence- even aggressive disposition, it makes for a more superior society-> a more superior world. Unfortunately, there are people who are dangerous no matter how loved and nurtured they were-> psychopaths. Those are the type others should watch out for.
My mothers favourite phrase was shouted at me regularly "I'm not going to live my life around YOU!" It said everything really.
And as an adult you're not gonna live your life around her, that's the payback. What goes around comes around 👋
Maybe you were a trouble kid and did stupid things and constantly demanded attention. It could be you who are an NPD, not her. This phrase alone is not enough to “diagnose”.
Isnt the assumption that she should live her life around you , the expectation of a narcissist
She also used to say "I'll be at your funeral!" She said this with real glee. she needed me to know I was nothing to her.
They also NEVER admit they are wrong.
They are always the victim not the vilian in their stories
@@steffaniemamawithapurpose7324 Do you?
Sometimes they do, to pretend they've changed and recognize their BS. They even seem to believe it. However, they do the same thing later on, in a slightly different way.
@@steffaniemamawithapurpose7324 Victim / perpetrator / rescuer = the 3 sides of the victim triangle, also called the drama triangle. What matters is to step out of it all.
stivendog - (Heidi here not Jaana)
and if an apology is there, it’s a quick “ok sorry” and if someone misses hearing it, that’s tough, they will not say it again...they’ll say “I said sorry” .... (this is a personal experience)
Narcissists don't like when you're happy, and they do judge and attack you, you feel like you're being bullied all the time.
PLEASE GO TO MY RUclips CHANNEL IS
This is so true, they find some way to bring you down whether subtly or overtly. I think they actually believe that if they’re not happy in that moment then no one should be.
I actually left home thinking it was socially unacceptable to show outwards signs of being happy. I had so many shocks when I left home, do you know there are parents and children out there that communicate without shouting, threats and seem to like each other and just converse? Did you know you can just be pleased for someone when they tell you they've booked a vacation or got a promotion? You don't have to reply with a salty comment or backhanded compliment? I didn't.
exactly almost made me go crazy thank god i got away
@@Sh3ba5843
Run.
I used to tick a lot of boxes for cluster b's. I investigated my childhood and found trauma. Put 2 and 2 together, got 4, and started working on myself relentlessly. Kicked my narcissistic traits out of the door. Learned to apologise and mean it, developed empathy, I still have a nasty streak but it's like a muzzled beast- I will only let it out if I find myself in actual danger. I think the reason I was able to take control of myself and my behaviours is due to actually being raised well- the trauma that started me on the road of cluster b was purely accidental, and the perpetrator took responsibility and was even brave enough to admit their mistakes (which is good because without that info I would have continued to think I was just born evil). I believe that sooooooo many cluster b people have a sneaky trauma in the newborn phase of life. The hard part involved in "fixing" someone who is cluster b is this: NOTHING except for their own realisations will prompt them to get help/take control of themselves, and cluster b brain wiring is super sneaky. Cluster b's literally cannot see that their behaviours are toxic-trust me on that! It's weird being on the other side of it, when I think back to how I was, it mortifies me. I might get hate for this comment as I've essentially admitted to being a narc in the past but if those of us who fought hard to become something other than a disorder stay quiet about it, then how will others learn they can do the same? The key thing that set my realisation off was that people were always having the same reaction to my bullshit, and as an observant person, I had to accept that it was MY fault, not theirs. That was the turning point tgat started me off investigating. Sorry for the wall! You can say no to reading it and I won't flip a table 😁 (anymore!). Seriously though, if you read the whole thing then thank you. 💜 (If you are a narc or cluster b reading this then know this: not getting mad when people don't conform to what you want can actually be pretty liberating, drop that need for control as it will only hurt you, others, and leave you lonely and empty).
Congratulations 👏 I believe you and you are lucky because this people are empty and will never be happy
Thanks for sharing, its great that your consciousness is awakening, well done ! Although, traumas dont cause narcissism, its actually facing few challenges in early life and over praise from family that does cause narcissism. All empaths have faced a great amount of traumas early on and never turned into narcs. There is studies about it also. Take care :)
Respect 💪
Recognize ✌😊
That is an incredible observation- you have courage and humility- could congratulations- that is a huge achievement
Can I just say SIR thank you again! You are a wonderful healer teacher and friend to all of us who extremely benefit from your discussions and your wonderful time that you spend providing for others....
I have been in a horribly abusive relationship physically emotionally psychologically for 3 years. I checked into three different domestic violence women shelters and went to numerous counselors for help trying to explain what I was going through the helplessness the corrosion of the soul the hopelessness and that insane mania... Just recently I drove from California to Vermont to get away from this relationship and join my son I found you on the drive. And listen to you almost the entire time across country for 5 days. You have given me more help more hope than any of the women shelters and any of the therapist or self-help books. Im internally grateful to you and I cannot express enough how much I sincerely wholeheartedly appreciate YOU good man!
Here is a tip for everyone stuck in this situation, accept that they never actually intended to care about you at all. Then breaking your bond is easier - it is just a scam, narcissist's don't love or care for anyone. Especially not their partners and their children.
Expose them and get them fired too
Regard them when they speak as a scam call on the phone. You don't really know who they are and it's probably a lie to trick you into something you don't want to do
Damn that's really good advice. I always got stuck wondering where I went wrong with how I cared for them, but never considered the fact they never cared and had no intention to. Also I get these type of videos suggested so often I think RUclips tries telling me I'm a narcissist haha
This is tough but correct advice
Some bonds and relationships are non consenting.
The homeless were put into large, I'm going with poor houses, during the pandemic. With the nurse ratchet class. They closed all the small groups and rehab places my friends ran.
No leaving, no walking away.
It has caused trauma and they are now harder to help.
Both of my parents and both of my husbands were narcissists. I just left a narc in the love bombing stage because of his response to my no. Thank you for changing my future.
C Mac We're living the same life.
Your comment made me smile. Thank you for sharing.
Gives me hope.
When both parents are narcissists they obviously train children how to be great supply and so YES it then becomes a YOU problem to not become good supply to future narcissists!!! Undoing codependency isn’t for the weak.
Honestly good for you for leaving so early !
I disagree with just flatly, bluntly telling someone "no". There is nothing wrong with telling someone no, you should be able to say no, but in most circumstances there is a nicer way to say it. Instead say " No, I'm sorry I can't help you move this weekend" A flat "no" is extremely rude if you are talking to someone that is a friend or someone that you care about. At least that's how I see it. I have never seen a single person respond well to hearing a flat "no" in either a narcissist or a healthy individual. Obviously, if they respond aggressively or attack you then you might be dealing with a narcissistic individual or at the very least a toxic individual. Someone being a little hurt or taken back by your blunt response is normal. If the person is very intuitive they may also pick up on the fact that you are trying to provoke a reaction and that may also cause problems with a healthy individual. Just posting this in case it helps. :)
My favorite thing to say to narcissists is, "whatever". Indifference bothers them more than rejection. A narcissists would rather be hated than ignored.
Doesn't that upset anyone, though?
Whatever@@Th3BigBoy
@@Th3BigBoy My thought too. If it's someone who cares about you, you showing indifference in return would make you looking like the narcisist... Or if you were the one at fault...
Better to simply say “okay”. Not exasperated or sarcastic, just okay. It is noncommittal and not agreement but simply acknowledgment that they said something and you have heard it. Just like a bully, they love to get you to rise to the bait.
I have fallen in the "whatever" trap and wow it's angry time. I couldn't figure this out until you just pointed it out. But to exit gracefully according to the other statement would be to say "okay"
When I was a kid, my mother and stepfather created an environment where I could only get my needs met by eliciting extreme sympathy from my mother. It was a form of learned helplessness. It fucked my life up royaly. My self image was in the shitter, but I didn't even know it because I was so locked in "get sympathy survival mode". I was basically a begger. I don't know if I was narcissistic or borderline or just cluster b-ish. Grannon's videos help me see the narcissistic tendencies in myself but also in the people I was surrounding myself with. Acknowledgement was the key to change. Once I could see the problem, I could finally fix it. Five years later, I'm self-sufficient and stable and no longer have codependent traits. My only complaint is that life's a little boring when you're stable... but that's one of the reasons we chose to have kids and raise a family.
how’d you fix it?
Your spot on about them not wanting to hear about others pain or suffering. Narcissists are so un-empathetic when it comes to others.
But they do care and want to listen when it can give them information and tools to use at a later date to hurt either you, or someone else
Narcissists don't feel empathy. They can put a facade on though to appear as if they care.
Facts
Yep, if I started talking with a narcissistic family member about a health issue, he immediately cut me off by saying “I think that’s what I have” and continued talking about himself and how my issue resonated with him whilst never giving me the chance to finish what I had to say. I went no contact with him years ago.
@@susanlisson7066my ex exactly ..
A narcissist hates to be told “No”
It’s a lovely little word.
if somebody tells me no without context the relationship is over because the other one is a heartless dominant narcissist. Stupid cryptic propaganda this dumba** "say no"
@@caprisonne4442🤔
So my boss is just a narcissist. Cool. Good.
@@caprisonne4442 [ All this victorious parading around about "trouncing the narcissist". I think people are becoming narcissistic by following the advice of therapists. If you say there is any flaw with their logic they call you a narcissist. ]
@@gethelp6271 I agree you do have a relatable point.
I’ve realised recently that most of my relationships have all been with narcs... Saying “no” is the healthiest thing that I’ve learnt to do. It is truly liberating!!!!
the 2nd healthiest thing will be to figure out 1) why the NPD is attracted to you and 2) why you are attracted to them. If you dont feel you are lovable then you will attract those that cant love.
Same 😏
Yes I am :)
I am single for nearly 7 years now and still healing.
Getting what you want all the time, saying no a lot, when a guy will always says yes to you. Is not a realtionship
Everyone ain't your friend. Even if they say they are.
It’s healthy to sometimes tell someone NO, even if you want to say YES, it sends a clear message that you have choices.
I think it's unhealthy to lie about your true opinion. If you want to say yes, say yes. Don't say no just to "send a message". If you have a message to send just tell them that message.
This double game playing and alternative intentions from people has ruined so many relationships, it's just a form of manipulation.
So you're basically saying that you just play games and try to manipulate people to test them or something similar. You need to go take a look in a mirror...
no it's not
I don’t think y’all are understanding what this person means. They are saying that when you say no to someone who always feels entitled to a yes that you are sending the message that you have options and are able to make your own choices. You don’t have to do everything that the manipulate using person asks of you.
@@Jayden-gz1lz No it's yes.
I’ve been single now, for 4 years. On purpose. I’ve been married to the personality issues people you described, and found myself attracting them. Being single is ok. It’s calm. Yes, so quite calm, and ver peaceful. I lost all my savings.the three men I let into my life bleed me dry. I’m 60 next year. I have no idea what my future holds. But ,…I’m free of the strange arguments, the strange rationale that’s me always to blame. I hope for the best. Maybe , next year I’ll update you. I’m scarred worried by you know what? ,..I’m past caring. I survived my ex plus 2 other ass o les. Wow. I’m ok. 😉👊😹🤦🏼♀️
Same
Me too except I am a man and she hated the word no. My money was her money and her money was her money. Glad she is gone, she tried to buy the house across the street but didn’t have the money. I would have had to sell my house to get away from her.
Stay strong. Focus on healing 😾😿😺...🥴🥺🙂
Hi ,I just read your comment ,my goodness it was perfect description of how I felt for a very long time. Yes the scarring will always be there and yes ridiculous scenarios will continue flash up ,from nowhere. All I know is you do get your real self back overtime ,and it's wonderful . I look back now and cannot understand how I enabled myself to be so squashed. I do hope you realise how strong you are ,and everyday is a great day .Sending great respect to you .
@@judepicton6252 "...and cannot understand how I enabled myself to be squashed."
This feeling is almost surreal. Like escaping the matrix or a cult.
I don't know how, but hopefully it will be illegal in the future to treat people like that.
A simple test to see if a person is a narcissist is to ask them to go to therapy. A true narcissist thinks they know more and are better then any therapist. In my experience, the only time you’ll ever see a narcissistic cry is when they’re trying to manipulate you to get what they want. They don’t cry when they see you hurt, suffering or in pain. It actually makes them feel better about themselves. It’s so sick.
My narc was a therapist !
@@chadqudrot7525 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
Yup my ex really threw me off with his crying. I always fell for it. I noticed though one day that his tears would just suddenly stop and have an angry look in his eye. I must have said seething that he didn't like so he just stopped all crocodile tears. It's hard to 3wpkain but that is the best way I can describe that behavior. Like it was a show. I realized it was his way of me feeling sorry for him... Manipulate me a tool
My narcissist actually wrote in his journal that he liked to make other people suffer. He also admitted to raging 'because I get what I want.'
As a man I have experience a guy at work like this .. it is painful
Crazy town
He always like to say “ watch me make them (whoever) look dumb .
I think you nailed the narcissist/target dynamic when you describe the "game" where the narcissist is unrelentingly attacking (to win) and the target is confused, "Are we in a competition (for something)?" As if in an endless boxing match that only the narcissist knows is happening, the target will be repeatedly knocked off balance and, while trying to recover balance, be wondering, "What the Hell is going on?" And each incident of being knocked off balance is an opportunity for the narcissist to get in closer and land another blow. Ultimately, the narcissist's goal is to displace the target's identity and implant the narcissist's identity in the target. Game, set, match, the vampire wins. (I know, mixed metaphors)
Wow how fucked up n wrong is THAT. holy shit.
I don't really talk about this because I'm embarrassed really im a guy but back when I was in middle school I was dating this HighSchooler she seemed cool and anti everything and was really to me nice at first I was rebellious coming out of a abusive household I was only 13 she was 15 and it really felt like how you put it but I was around bad people all my life gangsters so I didn't let it get to me what she did whether breaking my trust or boundaries and later found out she cheated on me in like the middle of the relationship and to this day she still hates me and makes people I don't even know hate me or try beat me up one time I was at her sisters place(it's complicated) and when I blacked out her boyfriend and friends tried beating me up but I still one somehow but they called the cops and the cops beat me up and everyone dislikes me even more I wouldn't say hate bc they don't really hate me but how they say it is like I don't hate you but I heard your a really awful person who no one likes. So I'll treat you like shit the whole and get my friends to beat you up bc our moms used to beat when we were younger so I'm taking it on someone I don't even know like I don't know 98%of these people and they act like I'm a horrible person I knew HighSchool sucked but this is horrible I don't even go to school anymore and I'm scared to make new connections just in case she'll come back into my life and I have no support bc I'm a guy and it shouldn't matter but I'm going to her school and she's getting held back a year and I just want her to dissappear and maybe I would feel peace
They seek to bewilder.
the accuracy of these lines. ♥
And also the "bad person" and "selfish" jabs are well practiced.
You've just described my ex friend. I'm not angry at her. I'm shocked to myself I didn't see it.
Holy cow the bordline empathy stuff hit home hard. Yes having someonw constantly tell you that you lack empathy while youre constantly walking on eggshells and trying to read thier minds to keep them happy while they show absolutely no concern for your feelings is maddening.
You mean the BPD, borderline personality disorder part in the talk. Not "borderline thing."
Omg this
Being in a relationship with these people is abuse .. add the fact that many times this personality leads into physical abuse and other psychological abuses.
I love how everyone here knows a Narcissist, but no one admits to being here because sometimes they wonder about themselves. I sometimes wonder if I have narcissistic traits.
We all do, we are all traumatised in some way, but some of us become conscious of our stuff and want to heal, if we are brought up by a narcissistic parent then we do pick up their traits, but we don't have to hurt or manipulate others with them.
Doeray anybody steps on a box of kittens in front of me, I’m gonna turn into a psychopath murderer in about 3 seconds . So what does that say? If I have a psychopathic reaction to a narcissistic action like stomping a box of kittens, what does that make me? This is why mental health is MENTAL
Benjée It says you’re a caring person. Any healthy individual would get upset to see someone hurting a helpless thing for absolutely no reason. Unless, of course, you’re serious about ACTUALLY murdering them lol. Kick their ass, yes. Kill them...then you’re just BOTH really fucked up.
You have narc traits of you think you do. I have them. My wife does too. But Jesus helps us.way more than a therapist could.
Jen K it’s not the fact that murder would first come to mind, I just feel like I couldn’t stop beating them if I saw kittens being harmed by someone. Mental health is absolutely insane, no pun intended .
This is the best description of narcissism I've heard. You nailed it. I was married to one. I once told him no, very firmly, when he crossed a particular boundary and he was dumbfounded. "What do you mean, NO? I'm giving you this great opportunity!" He absolutely couldn't believe it.
These people are horribly toxic. Get away from them.
I'm guessing it was anal.
Evian622 , saying no does not make you a narcissist
@@fanfeck2844 You misconstrue. Not accepting another's saying "no" makes the narcissist.
@@JudgeJulieLit WOW, you nailed it. My narcissistic son just turned 40. This is my first time to hear this fellow and his narrative was spot on. I think my current so-called boyfriend is a narcissist after hearing this. And then I saw your comment! OMG, did it ever hit home! Thank you. 💕
@@sharonchevalier922 Yw ... and best wishes in dealing with and/or disengaging from your narcissists.
If someone treats you badly, that’s enough of a justification for you to avoid them before you become more deeply involved.
Would deeply involved include 2 weeks before a large wedding? After a 3 year courtship and then a 3 year engagement we were finally getting married in 2 weeks, huge wedding, deposits on everything, invitations and rsvp received. But wait! Suddenly I’m asked to dinner with him and .... a lawyer?? Here came the surprise of a prenup maneuver! I got up and walked out. He followed and after my tears and refusal, we set it aside and got married with no prenup. How I wish I had just had run away and canceled everything. Anyone who would treat someone so badly ... has plenty more where that came from.
@@TheQueensWish A person should talk about things like prenups long before marriage. But without more in context I will say a prenup in and of itself is not abuse. Yeah it's underhanded to just spring it last minute but I would not call it abuse. Such things are long term, deep and hurtful.
@@mechasentai Underhanded as you described it. There have been many more episodes just like this one. Always stacking the deck and cutting the cards to their favor. Run from these people. This is no way to live. The struggle is real when you realize the cold calculations and manipulations you have traversed. You often wonder what a real, loving marriage would be like. If that exists.
@@TheQueensWish for what it's worth. I am sorry this happened to you. And I do wish you (whoever you may be) the best, honestly. :)
I totally agree with you , the longer your under a narcissist thumb the more they destroy you!! Get the hell away from them, and don't ever see them again even if you have to move to a new town. 😇😇😇🗝️💪
This has always worked for me; Letting them know that they upset you for x,y, or x… and ask them if they could apologize.
The narcissist literally CAN’T do it. You will watch them fall apart, get angry, or even blame you. What I usually end up with is, “I’ll apologize if you do it first.“ Super childish behavior!
This is 100% true. A narcissist will become visibly agitated, even angry, at the slightest sign of you putting up a boundary. Even when they're still trying to wear a mask, you'll see it. They simply cannot tolerate noncompliance. There's zero respect or understanding that you even have the right to say "no." It's a "how dare you say no to me!" type of attitude, and they'll project and view the situation as YOU fighting THEM when you're simply exercising your right to disagree and the situation couldn't be more the reverse.
It can go beyond reacting like that to no - it can be simply having a different opinion. My ex said once that was the best movie he'd ever seen. I said oh I thought the ending was too predictable. He EXPLODED. How could I say that after he'd just said it was the best. That's crazy right there.
kathynyny lol WTF.?????...nutjobs i tell ya
”EXPLODED”.. literally.. yes, Ive seen it before, too
missmerbella When I gave my ex a boundary, I was accused of "trying to control her" and there was no way to win, it's a catch-22 and she wore me down to a point where if we weren't doing exactly what she wanted, I was controlling her.
missmerbella your spot on!
Nailed it. That's pretty much the first red flag--an inability and refusal to acknowledge, let alone honor, another person's time, space, decisions, and life. Healthy boundaries will change your life, friends, and save your sanity.
Barbara Brinkmeyer ...the list is endless but what about your knowledge of Spartan life coach and his friend Sam vaknin you comment on the video but really your feeding a narc
Barbara Brinkmeyer ...... next time you copy and paste a reply try the Bible I won't read that either.
now piss off crazy one who defends the crazy narcs . whilst pretending to educate us ha ha
Monique Amado - Artist & Life Coach Very well stated. Couldn't agree more!
Monique Amado - Artist & Life Coach Well said ! 😁
Flower Petal many, unfortunately, go through life, undiagnosed - effectively, affecting other people ...:(
“I thought we were in a relationship; no, we are in a game’. Spot on, omg 😱 this is crazy-making. Being punished is constant. As soon as the “No” came in, the hitting came next.
Thank you for this video. My prayers go out to anyone experiencing this. I pray you to get help. Peace be upon you all. 🙏🏽
Hope you are OK too friend
@@nclmbin8 Thank you 🙏🏽
@@polasgotyou love ya mate.
@@nclmbin8 lots of love 🙏🏽
Same here. But then he went to my kids and started discussing personal issues about our relationship. Who does that with kids? Imagine a 7 year old telling you about your sex life!
A simple no shouldn't cause a negative reaction in any healthy person 🎉🎉🎉 I love that, thank you ❤
It took me 45 years to realize that my natural exuberance made my mother furious, and start cutting me down until I got super upset and cried. Now when I see her, (rarely), I just act depressed and hardly speak, and she is so nice. It makes me laugh so hard to see her not get to play her little games. LOL
Wow you opened my eyes. Cheers
Yes, you are correct! The weak, sad, helpless, you/we seem, the more calm they are because they now feel stronger than us.
Same. Narcissists secretly don't want others to be happy
Gotta try this at the next family gathering 😆
I did the same my whole life but I didn't know I was doing it. I pretended to be sad in front of my mother just to make her feel good cause whenever I felt good with myself she got angry at me. Finally I got tired of belittling myself for her amusement. Now I'm a grown up and she's about to retire she's not able of doing the same things as when she was younger. She used to try to convince others she was prettier and slimmer than me, but now she can't do that anymore cause she's old.
Another way to figure out if somebody is a narcissist is if they address you about something in a rude way and you are intentionally just as rude right back. A normal person might back off and be genuinely humble and polite next time you interact with them… but a narcissistic might back off but subsequently continue to come at you with crap, it’s like they never get tired of causing conflict.
I've don't this. And been accused of mocking them. I said "I'm showing you what you did by doing it back to you"
right u r...they never stop they never change..they r exahusting..i noticed always sum wierdo competition going on that i hadnt even entered🤔..narc mirrored me and as soon as i began 2 feel my authenticity was being stole... i told the narc to get thier own identity and quit copying mine..i told the narc he was creepy and had no personality of his own..if he hung with a redneck he returned sounding like a redneck..if he hung with a native he returned sounding like that native...it was disturbing 4 sure
If you clap back they'll be so rattled they'll just start the smear campaign right then and there.
My narcissistic bf will come at me with anger and talk down to me and if I respond to him the same way he speaks to me he literally tells me not to talk at him like that and then says I'm the problem! Absolutely delusional.
Yes, they never get tired of conflict
Yah. Right on. Another sign is the inability to apologize. The closest my long-ago, former narcissistic partner got to apologizing was to say "I'm sorry you're angry with me". I laugh about it now.
Also, everything I did was wrong, even my solutions to the artificial dramas that were created on a regular basis. Being kind was wrong. Helping was wrong. Ignoring, even briefly to get a break from all of it. especially was wrong.
If you're feeling like a doormat, it's because you are being treated like one. Walk away. You can't fix it.
Paul March run away!!
Perfect description of my ex husband. There was just no way to get along with him
Funny that my husband whom I suspect is a narcissist never says sorry and seems that he is void of empathy when he makes me cry.
@@dorisday5871 If you suspect, then RUN. My ex never apologized for anything, nor did he ever comfort me when I struggled or if I cried. He thought my emotions were amusing at best, and ridiculous at worst. For 31 years I tried to get along with him, but he did not care if we got along or if we didn't. I lost both my physical and mental health and became suicidal. I hope that you RUN away as soon as you can. Don't lose yourself to someone who doesn't care about you.
Inability to apologize? Isn't that all women?
As someone with a lot of childhood trauma who's been in therapy for a little over a year now, I really like your channel.
I struggle with boundaries, they're either too rigid or too lenient, I end up attaching to relationships and using that as a means of defining myself. I'm having to find my sense of self and identity, slowly but surely, as well as analyze every boundary and feeling I currently possess. It's a long process but worth it.
A lot of my relationships end up being me getting used to satisfying someone else's emotional needs but that's not often narcissistic, I'm just very available. I'm like a ditto from Pokemon.
It goes from healthy relationship to unhealthy gradually as they realize the bar is pretty low.
Talking about themselves for *hours*.
RUN from them - don't walk - don't reconsider the conversation - RUN!
Spot on!
@@crisl9079so let’s say we meet for the first time and you mention your hobby. I am interested so I ask questions and you keep answering them, you go into details and long explanations.
Me: OMG A NARCISSIST! He keeps talking about himself run!
I interacted with one too many narcissists and it is true that they talk about themselves a lot, but so do lonely people who have no friends so since they do not interact with others they can only speak about themselves.
You need more than this “test” to figure out who has NPD and who does not.
@@roberth4395indeed
@@roberth4395 *In harmony with your comment, I suggest that a great many "traits" attributed to narcissists can be generally found to one degree or another, more or less among 60 of the people I have interacted with in life.*
*Now, I don't have the answer, but is it possible that there should be some minimum percentage of the traits that need to be practiced, along with a minimum intensity and frequency of those traits need to be displayed before labelling someone a "narcissistic"? Otherwise, it's subject and frankly it seems narcissism is more of a spectrum than a binary mental state.*
@@Christian_Prepper according to my knowledge narcissism just like most things are indeed on a spectrum and a healthy human can be narcissistic and not be a demon who has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). To some degree we are all narcissistic.
One thing that is also worth mention ing is that kids are narcissistic, the younger they are the more narcissistic they are. Healthy, trauma free ones tend to grow out of it, but usually 2 good parents are needed for this to happens. So just because a Child shows narcissism it does not mean that he/she should be treated like a monster.
An other one is that there is about 60% overlap between how people with ADHD(aka ADD) and NPD behave. Their motives are completly different.
People who have ADHD can be good or bad people, their brain just works differently. People with NPD on the other hand are evil incarnate.
Living with a narcissist is just so exhausting , they drain every scrap of life from the partner , and leave them with little soul . Leave .
Rob every Flocking part of you! Always anticipating always rushing home knots in your stomach... going over each and every scenario of what he might say or do! Even if you tell the truth while you're late they do not believe it you were cheating!! Wanting to see receipts from the store so he could check the time I checked out! Going through all my personal belongings! Interrogation at 2 in the morning! Anything I wore I had camel toe! He said you look so much better without makeup I don't mind that you've gained weight you look great! He would bring me up and bring me down and when I asked him why his reply was so I can keep you in line!
Yeah, it will happen to me and my kids, we will be having a good time, having conversations just laughing and as soon as he walked in the room his energy was so heavy that it changed the whole atmosphere we had. He will start yelling telling us what to do just to stop that happy energy we had, always transmitting his bitterness and toxicity 🙄 they are never happy!!
@@yanetyyy6036 I had my niece for the summer he was so jealous that she was staying with me... we caught him spying on us through my bedroom window. He was even jealous of my dog! Jealousy is a huge characteristic in a narcissistic!
Win Rosie - For a long time I have noticed that too, I will spend time with the kids and he will want me sitting next to him🙄. I didn’t know what a narcissist was until a year ago, I’m glad I’m not falling for his toddler manipulations anymore!!
@@yanetyyy6036 are you going to do something and have it? I discard my narcissist and that makes it even worse. However, I cannot imagine if I was still with him I would not be doing the things that I'm doing now... I have a great support system of women my age I am an artist and a hairdresser... among other things. Even when I was happy I had to fake being sad... and if I did show happiness he would ask me, why are you so happy are you f****** someone else! I've never been with someone that has been a narcissist however, when I met him I was not in a good place in my life... he would call me the girl with the golden heart! Oh isn't that so sweet, no one ever called me that! I still have not dated seriously...Since he's Been Gone... I feel a lot of women Rush right back into another relationship instead of getting to know themselves and educating themselves so they do not make the same mistake again! And if you do get in another relationship please do not talk about the narcissist and what he did to you... especially in the beginning!
Dated a guy two months and he failed the “No” test miserably, and when I mentioned it he gaslit me by trying to justify why he felt he should still do what I asked him not to. Shortly after that, honeymoon phase was over and his true narcissistic self came out full force! This test works!!
So glad you saw the warning sign
@@honeydrip1962 Thank you Victoria. I'm finally healed from it totally and have moved on.
It was good you saw the bad signs.
Such a good tool to help to reveal and unearth these traits
I call into question ANY WOMEN that call men narcs.
As its women who mainly play those mind games with men.
As a person who's had a 13 year soul tie with someone diagnosed with NPD and APD, I resonate with this video more than I can express. Thank you so, so much.
Autism or ASPD?
Ironically enough research shows NPD and autism is kinda highly comorbid so it's hard to tell using inference alone
Antisocial personality disorder
Sulking is a form of punishment. How have I lived for 38 years without realizing this. This was a good video.
My husband punishes me by not feeding me ..ha ,it’s laughable ,he dosnt see that I can cook for myself !
@@barbaraguzmics8560 My ex would have loved to feed me. A mix of any and all poisonous plants. She was a vegetarian. ;>))
Sulking is not punishment if people think that’s punishment that’s on them
You can sulk to yourself to express an emotion and you can sulk at someone to influence them. I don't see anything wrong with the first one.
Silent treatment after being excessive black n white
thumbs up just for the "I didn't even realize I'm in a game, I thought I'm in a relationship! No silly, you're in a game" part. So true.
A game where they dont care if they win, as long as you lose.
@@Plethoralityaptly put
So many times I’ve told my husband “we’re not going to battle against each other in a war. We’re in a relationship!” That was before I realized he was narcissistic and now it all makes sense.
My narcissist is the best game player I ever met. Not just the mind game. All games! It’s crazy weird being in a competition instead of a relationSHIT!
“I hate playing games.” He said.
My mom used to say things like "You thought you could win this one, didn't you?" And "Don't ever think you're going to outsmart me" when I was a teenager, it was so distressing and confusing and NOTHING I said ever led to a positive ending...just her throwing fists or using objects against me. I think she has BPD or HPD but she'll never get tested lol Thank you for all you do to expose these things, I'm still mourning my lost childhood years and maybe you can save others from the suffering so many of us have had to endure 💔
It’s so hideous! So sad for all of the children, have personality disorder, and parents… That grew up, knowing something was deeply wrong, but not having any words or language to express or explain it. That first line that you said is a dead giveaway, though. To these people, especially BPD and NPD. There Hass to be a winner and a loser in every interaction, there is no adult exchange, ever. That Hass to be a winner and a loser, and the loser hast to be whoever the other person is. Even if they have to play a very long game to make that the case!
My dad would say "you want to match wits with me?"
"mourning childhood" is a most accurate description.❤
My mother and brother say that exact same thing 😂
Narcissist parents will sometimes call their kids to complain because they didn't like their Christmas gift when their own gift was a low effort cash amount in an envelope. The best thing to do is agree to do away with the gift exchanges, the kids do away with purchasing gifts, purchasing their own things and the parents do as well and this does away with the calls. When they call to complain to you incessantly about your siblings, don't make the relationship your problem and let them know that if they're going to call you to complain to you about their siblings, that you'd rather they didn't call. Adults, have options that they didn't have as kids.
I'm so glad this video came up again. Because I can see where I responded to it three years ago. I am seeing it played out by the letter right now with someone in my neighborhood. The clarity and the explanation in this video is shining a bright light on this situation. The person I am speaking of will paint a picture of me around the neighborhood that fits her perspective.
Yet, she and I are not joined at the hip and I am nothing like her. As victims of people like this, we can see the danger playing out. And yes I use the word danger. They not only like to glue themselves to you. But they also like to paint the picture that you are also glued to them. I don't stick to anybody.
Thank you for making the distinction between being bothered by the lack of empathy in the word and being personally obsessed with receiving empathy while giving none to others. I’m tired of narcissists seeing me as an endless source of empathy and then being accused of being an ice queen when I stop playing along. When you love someone what hurts them hurts you and their problems become your problems and vice versa but with a narcissist they give you full responsibility to shield them from the difficulties of life while caring nothing about what happens to you. They look like a soldier laying in Flanders field but they are actually and opium addict doing smack. Walk away and find a real fellow soldier and don’t look down on them when at times they are too weak to stand because they are human. Don’t worry if they are a real soldier they’ll get up again. Life is brutally hard on good people. It’s also really tough on idiots. I’m learning to discern the difference.
Entitlement is definitely a trait of narcissism. So is exploitativeness.
as well projection and lying
And lack of Empathy. The Three Es
Isochest yes
Capitalism is narcissistic
@@joeldwest capitalism more of a form of socialism that embodies the ideology of rugged individualism that promotes cutthroat competition in a dog eat dog rat race.
But when it is well regulated, it is the best system of sovereignty in a modern day collective society.
Thank you for this. I realize today how strong I am for surviving what I went through. She drained me 99% and tried to convince me to commit suicide. It's been three years. I have finally regained my smile and am doing well.
I'm happy for you.
Blessings to you I'm in a very dark place with my Narc
Sending you so much love and compassion on your journey. You are doing such a beautiful job ❤️❤️❤️
May I ask how you found the strength to leave her? And what was it that kept the relationship going?
Sounds a bit like my yesterday
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
I am a therapist, and you are accurate in your representation of this matter! Most people experiencing Cluster B personality disorders will never receive mental health services or agree to being assessed. Not even for couples therapy… or might go to a few sessions of couples or family therapy to try to convince the therapist that they are not the problem, but intend to blame another person within the family system or their partner. As soon as some balance is showed, and both parts need to assume responsibility over their faults, the narcissistic person will abandon the process…
I think, for aspd at least, that many of them avoid therapy because they believe that psychologists don't intend to or are professionally unable to help them. I'm not sure about the rest of cluster B, but aspd has a long history of having their disorder used by popular media for monster under the bed type characters (to the point where the disorder had to be relabeled twice) combined with psychologists mostly saying they have no real way of helping patients with the disorder. Any high functioning aspd person that is aware of that history is going to see therapy as a high risk situation with no pay off.
@@soujemn5 yeah, any comments about any pds with cluster-b traits.
People talk about what methods they can use to hurt people with those disorders, how they will be happy to see them dead. No surprise anyone with cluster-b traits will be at least cautious at approaching anyone about it.
Our society has accepted that when a depressed person hurts people around by being depressed it is the fault of pathology that can be treated. When it comes to NPD, BPD or ASPD, we just assume that those are monster people that have to be "dealt with".
Y’all nailed it! Helping me to see reality.
An X of mine arranged for couples therapy for us with her therapist -- which is not a great situation in the first place but I agreed nonetheless. We all said hello and the therapist asked my X what bothered her about the relationship. The therapist took her response, suggested a compromise and asked me if I could agree to that. I said, "sure." She then asked my X who refused and the two of them spent the rest of the session arguing about it. By the end of the session the only words I had said were, "hello," "sure," and "goodbye." A few days went by and I asked my X when we were going back. She said she was looking for a new therapist but never mentioned therapy again.
@Link Link Praying for you! God made you & you & your happiness matters! Take it one day at a time 🙏💞✨
This worked like a charm! I remembered to set a boundary (for the first time) Who knew it could be that easy? First date, this guy wouldn't stop droning on about his "crazy" X's, so I kindly told him I didn't want to hear about them..ie NO. And just like that he was enraged! All I could think was what a relief not to spend weeks or months to find that out. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Any complaining about "crazy" exes - ESPECIALLY if it's more than one - is a caution flag, imo. And if the person says ALL their exes have been crazy? Nope. That was you, buddy. That's a person who is unable to admit, or even see, their own interpersonal faults.
Smart girl. Good for you.
As soon as they start talking about their x’s it’s all over
@@raymondotoole2600 Ya. And seriously what a drag when you're just getting to know each other.. negative Nancy's bah!
I'm sure you probably know this but in case you don't, anytime someone calls all of their exes crazy, it is code for: I made an otherwise sane and rational person at crazy because of how I treated them. I'm the common denominator. A friend of my ex's has taken my side and told me that he used to assume that all of his exes were just crazy. He said that he has come to realize that he has treated all of them except for the first one pretty badly and that's why they reacted the way they did. Two of his friends have taken my side now. They both confirmed what I suspected about him. He's a leech and a cheater
I just got rid off "friend "like that. I think test is: do you feel like they suck life out of you?
Omfg! I just felt fckn drained by one recently, the minute I cut away, i started feeling better. She's a Scorpio moon btw, thank you God for helping me dodge that bullet!
Yes! And they hate it when you are happy...they enjoy seeing you miserable.
mimi maliar
I had a narc who didnt suck the life out of me, but did actively qork not to fulfill me.
YASSSSS!!!!
Energy vampires are real. My mother was one and so was a so called stalker friend of mine
This is one of the best breakdowns of it I have ever seen thus far... And being a victim of a dark triad type personality who really had a substantial effect on my whole life, it caused me to be to be nearly obsessive in the amount I was searching for answers I never got from my abuser.. so I have watched, read, studied, observed, tested, validated endless data and resources on the topic and just something about this video it lays it out in such a well defined understanding of the whole entire topic and makes me wish I watched this years ago...
Phenomenal work. You really know your stuff and you've gained a new fan without a doubt.
Thanks for this. 🙏🏻
the more you talk about NPD, the more you realize that we are in an epedemic
absolutely. it's worrying me for real.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure 60-80% of the world's population are narcissists.
Hahaha , true
@@xLionsxxSmithyx i wouldn't go that far, seems a lot.. but 20-30% minimum.. yes.I dunno. Many of us all have traits. Real narcissism (pathological) is smthg else..
I would attribute it to a lack of positive father figures in many people’s lives.
Bingo!!!! The moment I told my mother NO.. I became her worst enemy. . I was 30 years old!!!
Ur literally speaking my words...
Just saying, I never realized how STEREOTYPICAL my life has been...Sad that family disfuntion is understood and has affected so many without prejudice or a 2nd glance. I'm just scared after listening and searching....I think i am or was Or may still b part Narcissist..I sound as bat shit crazy as I think she sounds. But I stopped arguing and she has spun outta control drinking and so on...I worry
SilverAspen1
Glad to mustered all the courage to do that!
@@caroljeanfrank8579 I doubt you could be Narcissistic because you wouldn't care. It would be someone else's fault
Yup at about 33 I started to come to the realization I'm crazy but now I see...it was her
And now turns my child against me? Lies in court, wrote the judge a letter attesting to said crap and she didn't show up for court yet her letter got me 3 visits a wk down to 1 by court order, well The orders out the window bc if i say or do anything my child gets drug into the adult drama. So talk about stuck between a rock ends hard place...
I was 37 - Mother wouldn't engage and father told me, literally, "Well fuck off then."
Screw the labels. If someone can't stand you saying "No", or can't accept you not acceeding to their requests, just move on - fast.
Right!...Focus on your own healing!!
Theydont let you go, they follow you. They become stalkers.
NO.
Ok, lousy joke but I couldn't resist...
BigHenFor. Agreed. I believe narcissists, sociopaths and psychos are essentially the same: evil. The differences between them are insignificant in my opinion and a psychiatrist has to come up with names for these people because they're not allowed to diagnose someone as evil.
I love the way you put these things. Paraphrasing here, "It doesn't really matter what their clinical diagnosis is...I just don't want to deal with them anymore".
Brilliant!
Narcissists don't seek just an emotional reaction. They FEED off of the energetic fuel you supply -- whether the energy is positive or negative. They are energetic vampires who will suck the very life out of those they trap. RUN! and never look back!
They're called psychological vampires Silver Sub...
Chris if the person is infact a narcissist, then I agree and im not kidding. definitely kill them if you can get away with it. eww I sound a bit psycho.
Codependency is the dysfunctional match to the narc
Miranda Duckworth that myth has been disproven. Even healthy people get sucked in and used by the narc.
They feed off the drama!
True power is having the ability to walk away from what I desire, to protect that which I love.
That's gold right there. Have you ever read the book Inner Gold by Robert Johnson? You might like it...
Gold amen to that
"I didn't even know I was in a game! I thought I was in a relationship! No, no, you're in a game silly."
Yep!
Perfectly put! That's why you're never truly at ease when you're enmeshed in it . . .
Mine actually said it was a chess game
My narc said he doesn't do games... What he ment he doesn't want ME to do games, because he was doing games all the time...
@@lidiaolejnik4723 you're still with them?
@@texastea5686 yeah 😑
His ping-ponging from compassion to rage and blame is exhausting.
I have told him there is no win for me. Meaning that I am wrong when I admit error, because when I explain and apologize he then asks what my motives are and why I did and do everything.
When I told him there was no win for me I was trying to express that I felt I had no grace from him. I would fall into defensiveness and trying to find the right words to mitigate things-I flat out told him I was looking for a win-win. He dismissed that out of hand. If I have a win, he must be losing.
Yesterday he asked if things were so bad why hadn’t I left. That’s a very good question for which I honestly don’t have a good answer. I was afraid, more afraid of being alone than dealing with him.
Narcissists tend to be know-it-alls...no humility whatsoever.
I’m a know-it-all empath... actually, I’m more like an NPD slayer...
Hello,you wrote a comment about narcissist know alls,i have a fond memory of watching a quiz show with a nacrcissist i had been abused by but was ending contact with,he thought he was a genius but i loved answering question after question,he was a lonely,isolated evil thing that had no idea of the capabilities of others.
Yeah sure
Very true absolutely true
Oh my goodness, so apparently he cannot talk about music with me because I don't know anything. What an idiot!
Even if you do manage to behave "perfectly" it will be deemed wrong by the narcissist. They will find a way to make your flawless behaviour wrong. They will attack you for being too good and claim you are fake and a liar. They always accuse you of the very same things they are doing. So if they are constantly suspicious of you and worrying that you are sleeping around be very aware... they are probably doing this themselves.
Harsh facts, but so true ye
Lol yeah my favorite was "STOP BEING SO FUCKING SHALLOW!" by a narc ex bf who oogly eyed and hit on pretty girls including my friend at my own birthday, like wtf haha, the mental gymnastics they go through is comical. The sad part is she was the one who apologized later, and she didn't do anything wrong! smh
I've been interacting with 1 since July! The red flags were small but there in beginning. Started with having a prob with & trying to bulldoze boundaries & within a very short time frame escalated now into me being attacked & accused a couple nights ago of talking to other men etc...I knew immediately he was talking to other women...& once I confronted him the full blown NARC came out to play with wordsalads, deflecting, blameshifting, being a victim & then polishing it off with gaslighting. Im actually in fear now 😱 now!!! I ghosted him & hes messaged me 100s of messages trying to suck me back in to trauma-bond & control! Another redflag I've been completely sucked dry of all my Energy!!!
EVERYONE SAYS MY ATTITUDE IS BAD BUT ITS NOT TRUE ITS BECAUSE A NARCISSIST THAT IS UNFORTUNATELY MY MOTHER STARTED ALL THIS ... EVERYDAY IM BEING TERRORIZED
Yes! Yes! Yes!! I ran myself nuts trying to anticipate the every need of my narcissist... his exact words.
"You're just a better liar than everyone else, you must be so proud. " that's the day it clicked for me. I immediately found a therapist who had to walk me through how to untie myself from him.
my favorite response to narcs:
If you say so. 😀
youre free to believe what you want.
And then watching them slowly giving you the stare, which i describe as "she was multiplying 5486.69x7859.98 in her head!"
I love that, I am going to use that response. Have been going through mental torture with mine and he is never wrong.
@@ukfetishblonde Good job👍 Dont believe anything. Dont believe no one. Dont believe me😀
Question evetything! Only trust yourself and your truth.👊
God bless
@@etienneforget6502 Thank you Etienne Forget for replying to my comment, sound advice, I want to believe too much. Every happiness to you.
@@ukfetishblonde I have dealt with lying narcs all my life. And from experience I have learn to trust my instinct because not once when I had a doubt in my heart about something or someone that in the end that doubt was right.
Listen and follow your heart and trust yourself❤
God bless
I got chills when he said what he said at the beginning. Because for the first time I felt disdain for this man. This is why I need to continue watching.
I so relate to the "winning" thing. I did not realize being in a relationship was a contest.
In my opinion a healthy relationship should be teamwork an not a contest of who’s best
It's not a competition. You are both suppose to bring out the very best. Does this actually happen. Idk. I haven't had it. Would be nice a two way thing...fill one another up. Not get attacked. Not have to surrender all dreams and desires to make the other feel whole. Bleed everything you are. Everything you'd like to be. But you're the only one actually doing work. Not fun. Everyone has a certain amount of healthy nassism. I rejected all that a loooong time ago. Part of my own distortion
I was "kamakasi" and morbidly proud-rejection of self
Lucky to be alive at 37 I guess
My x is so competitive 24/7. It was crazy. I thought I was at fault. It’s so hard to understand because it felt like sexual tension when he did it and I hated and liked it. 🥴🤷♀️
You can not say NO to a Narcissism.... they will attack and throw a tantrum. They are always right; and you were put on earth to serve; and support them completely. Excluding them from your life is the only option. if you have a need to help others...volunteer at your local Red Cross or Soup Kitchen. If you enjoy helping others, Narcissus will gravitate toward you; and you will become their property... so identify and reject them from the beginning. Stay Safe Everyone.
So true! I dared say no to dogsitting my BIL'S then new wife, my daughter is extremely allergic to dogs and my landlord did not allow pets, she seemed okay with it but spent the next two years making my life hell, she was a covert narcissist so everyone was on her side until she went too far and even though my in laws thought I still should take it I finally said no more, she's still fully in control of my BIL he's on Xanax now, docile, medicated and completely under her control, sad for him, but so happy I only have to see this monster when required to do so by my in-laws, some holidays, few times a year, and now during those times she pretends to be nice because she knows I won't stand for mistreatment, life is good again.
@@solstice1681 I know people like that. My father for example, will be nice and appear to be a great person, but mostly because there are witnesses--it has nothing to do with me standing up for myself anymore. My ex husband was the same. I remember saying to a neighbor once, "you will never SEE us fight or argue". That was an an epiphany moment for me. If that statement is true for anyone else, it's a red flag. Run!
Well they not only believe they own you but they will suck the life force out of you. I've met others who are ill with chronic fatigue and their partners are overtly cruel and controlling. They will suck you dry and keep pushing and hurting you until you break.
@@buildsbest I'm glad you said something about the chronic fatigue. I once suffered from severe depression that was accompanied with a whole lot of sleeping. Once I cut out narcissistic type people from my life, I was almost immediately depression free and much more energetic. In hindsight, I guess that my sleep was an escape from reality more than being actualky tired. I often wonder if a lot of cases of chronic fatigue are a side effect of depression.
Unfortunately u find about them late (the narcisistic people in your life) that most of the damage is done..
I'm such a narc magnet, it's gotten to the point where my "test" is just if somebody likes me, then that's proof they're a narc...
I get ya, but we can't let the demons win. Just go slow and when you get that first lie, that first devalue comment - GONE
Eastman Editing lol me too
You better figure this out, otherwise you will end up with no friends if you assume everyone who likes you is a narcissist/out to manipulate you
I'm kind of just realizing that most people that are around (men and women) are either narcissistic, bored and want to be entertained or just out if my league mentally. So I'm doing a lot of reading and alone time. Boosting myself up
Lol
My mother had definite narcissistic traits. I remember the 'push/pull' parenting when I was small, the difference in treatment when my very passive dad was at work 12 hours a day compared to when he was home, she dragged me up to my room at 10 and started packing a suitcase threatening to send me to boarding school for some perceived transgression, and the last straw was when she went to hit me (of the many, many times) when I was about 13....I put my hand up to defend myself and she told my father that 'Your son tried to hit me' as soon as he walked through the door. I hated her, and she left me with a trauma that affected my relationships throughout my life. Those are just what stuck with me the most. I loved my Dad, but was sad that she outlived him as it stood in the way of me trying to have a relationship with him.
She would pout like a child when not getting her way, and imho, was the curse my father married. He would have had a considerably better life without her, and she had the nerve to question why after age 19 I visited twice in 25 years.
My mother exactly 💯. She shows up at my house without being welcome. My husband and I have asked her not to show up unannounced and I have basically detached from the cycle. I reached my limit. We have a nice peaceful life with our two children and every time she would enter our house, we would immediately be subjected to chaos. I finally realized that I didn't have to put up with the invasive, abrasive treatment especially in my own home.
Don't let her in and us it as a lesson for your kids about boundaries even with family.
Same
Same
Kaeti HM Exactly the same here
Glad to know I’m not alone! I had to cut my mother out of my life because she would not respect any boundaries Especially she would not reach out over the phone before just stopping by which we asked her over and over to do. It just got too hard for me and I still feel so much shame for cutting out my mother but I couldn’t do it anymore I needed to be happy for my family and kids
Absolutely. They demand all of this sympathy, empathy, respect, love, understanding, patience, etc, etc... and they're the people that are the least likely to give any of it to you. It's because they're completely devoid of the emotions and can only experience them through you. I think I explained it best, to my wife, when I said, "You're a vampire that feeds on the emotions of others."
I think the only emotion they can mimic is anger or jealousy.
That's it. They feel no emotions on their own. Therefore, they have to deed them off of others. That's the sad reality of it.
@@guillaumefrancois3942 never heard it described this way. It makes perfect sense, and I need to seek therapy. Thank you
This helps me understand my fear of expressing a boundary.. because I expect it to be an extreme response.. the sort of extreme response I received growing up.
Same, same!
Me too, I'm too terrified to say no sometimes but I'm getting better very slowly.
There are no boundaries with Narcissists. Only temporary barricades and if need be they will play nice for awhile to lure you back in.
Yes I feel the same way now I know if the response of my no is angrily reacted then time to move on.
Same
THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO. THIS IS WHAT I NEEDED. Thank you. This is so clear and concise and basic that a child to adult can understand it. Your right is to say NO. You can say NO. If someone freaks out/gets mad, there should be a red flag going up. Period.
”I thought I was in a relationship! No, no... You're in a game, silly!” ohhh - so good!!!!
flippityflam you were in an exchange or transaction
I actually said this to my ex recently saying "I'm not replying any further and I'm not a game for you to play with or to feed your ego" He's not replied since 😊
true story! ultimate mindfuck!
Omg I feel this, so true.
Yes or a nightmare.
7:19 in and you just made me realize that the narcissist isn't really smarter than I am! They are just winning because I didn't even know we were in competition I thought we were in a relationship.
ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL!
Awesome comment!
Same same here Scott. They’re callous and without empathy
When a Narcissist can shut you down to shut you up---YOU ARE NO LONGER THINKING---you are no longer using your logical reasoning to see and respond to the situation you are actually IN! This automatically DISARMS you from protecting yourself! You don't need to fight against them---it's time to get out, already, for them putting you in that situation in the 1st place!
Wow
Always a debate, never a conversation 😧
Ruined every holiday
I hope this new girlfriend is to save me and the kids from him...
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@pamelaprivette5361 oooh Pamela yes, you gave me a lot to think about….
Excellent description. I used to wonder why some people made me feel defensive and others made me totally drained and joyless! I now stay well clear and am much happier for it.
The "daily drama" hits the nail on the head. There is ALWAYS something that someone is arguing about in their family. Like, every single day without fail. And, you are expected to listen to and validate this person's perspective. You have to enforce their "rightness" and agree about the "wrongness" of the others. If you even doubt their "rightness" for a moment by suggesting a more balanced approach and seeing the other's perspective, they flip their targets onto you! Now you are the oppressor! It's truly crazy. Oh, and you can suggest all day that they get away from the drama, and they will completely agree with you verbally. But, their actions always take them right back into the drama. They can't let go of it. Walk away and save yourself years of trying to fix this. Some people will be 70 years old still carrying out the same patterns. I've wasted the last 3.5 years on this, and just recently walked away. Peace is the first thing you notice.
My mom was borderline and making me feel guilty and responsable for her happiness was an everyday issue😞
The coodependency was huge.
Me too
Same.. My mom raised me and my siblings to be very co-dependent and to feel responsible for her and my dad's emotions and the mood of the house. If one of them was unhappy, we all suffered and were punished. As an adult, I tried to talk to my mom about how things in my childhood affected me as I was on a journey of healing including trying to heal the wounds from our relationship, but she would always explode and shut me down if I ever brought up my pain about the past. I was gentle and never accusatory but she couldn't listen, nor did she care to fix our relationship. That's when I realized I can't change her. It's not my job to and I need just let go because she will only continue to be abusive and reopen those wounds. So I starting talking to a therapist, working on boundaries and distancing myself, realizing I won't get the understanding or love I need from her. She doesn't know how to be a mother, not to myself or any of my 5 siblings. We have all distanced ourselves, to protect ourselves. Now I let God be my source of healing and love. His love is enough and he has placed people in my life who carry that love and walk in the same compassion that I value and strive to embody in my relationships.
@@racheljoydaily In the same place with my mom.
YUP... it is extremely tough. Hugs to you all 🤗
@@racheljoydaily how u distanced yourself you still at home with her but with severe boundaries or you moved out? and if moved out how she let u..
YES! My dad will not drop or leave an interaction until he receives his "emotional coin", I call it. I could be as neutral/logical/centered as I want, and the interaction for him is still about getting me to respond to his emotional level. Everything is always loaded with some form of judgement/shame/culpability. I still live with my parents at age 34, and it has at times been a harrowing/grueling path, with frequent/recurrent thoughts about what life or reality even is, and if I should try to... "exit", which of course I do not actually want, and do not wish for anyone else, but it gets extremely dark. Love you whoever is reading this. You are not alone. 💗
You Are 34!! You have suffered all these years. For Christ's Sake - leave home!!!! Xx
Here is a simple way to help ‘allow’ you to interact with a narcissist at work…I give them 5 one dollar bills and tell them that each time they want my attention, they have to give me a dollar, when their $5 is gone, they have to pay me $10 each time after that…when I first started doing this, they looked at me like I was nuts, but took the money, best $5 I ever spent😂😂😂.
Bahahahahaha, Kevin that is funny, thank you gor making me laugh bro 😂🙌💙🧡 have a great day!
@Maria Silva Maria, in my notifications, I see that you gave me a very sweet and kind reply, and even here the tab under my original comment, says a number of replies that suggests your response is underneath, but when I expand/open the replies, I cannot find your reply, nor do I find your account when I search. I wish I could find you to say, THANK YOU my dear. Love you 💗
Please leave. You owe them NOTHING. For your own peace of mind, your mental and physical well-being, leave! I implore you, you are a good person, go find your happiness. You deserve it so x
"No" is the single most powerful word in any language.
It's only when you have a healthy amount of self love you can say no without fear of the consequences. This should be everyone's goal in life.
alsowork well for alchool drugs fastfood animal product, then yes to daily exercise and moral choice
@@sonyasmith1991 the Narc I know told me he doesn't know how to say no, that's already a bad sign of fakeness.
@@LOOTLORD605 It is. The narc I knew didn't say it but it was clear he didn't know how to say no. He's self employed and couldn't say no to work even though he knew he didn't have the time to do it. He would say yes and just not do it. I thought he was a people pleasing nice person but now I know different.
No it's not
If something feels off...leave. trust your gut...always
Narcissist- can I ask you a favor? You can say no if you want to...I promise I won't get mad.
Me- No!
Narcissist- all the things I do for you and you're telling me no!!
Then seeing the narcissist sitting on the couch folded arms POUTING.... at 57 yrs old!
Fuckin accurate!
😆
Omg yes!!
Man, you know, when i ask people to do me a favor I usually add in that "you don't have to if you don't want to"! But... I mean it. I had an ex friend who ended up being an extremely COVERT narcissist tell me that I was manipulating her when I did that. I didn't understand, I thought it was giving them an out to feel comfortable saying no. I try not to do it these days but it's so ingrained in me. I was raised by narcissists, after all.
This is one of the best explanations of narcissism I’ve heard/read. It’s so hard for me to convey to people how narcissists operate and why they are so dangerous!
Part 2 on the invasion of boundaries is particularly important and allows you to feel exactly the confusion and disgust these monsters instil in you when they start pushing you slowly but insidiously towards the edge.
I felt so helpless and violated when I was ensnared in a situation where my livelihood depended on the most disgusting, depraved animal. He twisted all of my strengths and skills into defects and tried to exploit and buy my work at a much lower price than it was worth. He only employs foreigners and relies on their unwillingness to stand up for their rights.
I thank God every day for His mercy in opening my eyes, saving me from all narcissists and giving me a second life to live happy and in peace! It’s like I was blind for decades and now I see Heaven.
Absolutely zero boundaries
When I broke up with my ex he admitted that yeah, he wanted to push my boundaries to see until which point he could go. He said it so proudly, like if it was so smart of him to always push me and push me, all the time. The only thing he felt sorrow for was that I wasn't crying while I was breaking up with him, like if he expected me to feel so sorry. I wasn't. I was simply so tired after all the lies I have discovered he told our friends about me. My life has improved so much from that break up, it's astounding: my relationship with my family and friends, my work life, my self esteem, etc... Literally everything has improved, while when I was with him I was constantly on egg shells because I couldn't predict his mood swings and what he would complain about me that day
You never loved him. You bait n switch him.
Yes, they can't believe that you're leaving when you don't yell or cry.
But that's when it's serious- like you said, you're just fed up. The line has been crossed and there is NO MORE MERCY in your heart for that Charity Case.
@@rev.jimjonesandthekool-aid4488 Good. He deserved it. I hope he had a vasectomy; the world doesn't need his genes.
I've heard many men say, "I like to push a woman's boundaries" which is a rapist mentality. The ones who say such things are rarely aware of how it comes across, and sadly, society teaches men that it is acceptable. There are fools right here on RUclips giving women such as "advice" as "men will try to push your boundaries" as if women should expect it as normal and forget about the fact that they should be advising men, "if you're trying to push a woman's boundaries, then you're a predator and need to seek help."
Healthy people push their *own* boundaries. Unhealthy people push the boundaries of others.
It's the difference between someone training for a marathon, engaging in the race, then feeling accomplished because they pushed their own boundaries to better their run time, as opposed to someone who creates problems for others to get an emotional response until their victim snaps.
I said "no" to an unreasonable task he told me I must do, and he said "wow thanks for insulting me." Gosh I'm so glad I'm over all of this.
When I left my ex I told him in ten years of marriage he’s never truly apologized, everything was always my fault. The level of resentment and invalidation that I felt was beyond words. I genuinely don’t even think he knew it was wrong but real love will always seek to support and validate you and try to understand you. Toxic people have little self awareness. I have trauma myself, but it really comes down to treating people with respect.
I'm there right now. He always turns it into my fault somehow. I am stuck though, no family, friends gone. I don't know what to do.
@Revolution_Now. Sorry to hear! Step 1 is to know the tricks. Read up!
“Toxic people have no self awareness” spot on
My 3daughters and SIL. They cannot and will not listen to your feelings. NEVER. They always turn it on you. And, I listen to the youngest and she says what she has against me and I apologize and say I will never do whatever again and that isn't enough, it is YOU will ALWAYS be this way. Ok. Middle daughter is a vicious narc and has no way to hide it now that she has a TBI. She wants to destroy us, especially me. After we disengaged with her she still stalks my FB page and when I posted about narcs, she and only she put a mocking laugh emoji. The others just play the accusation and blame game calling me the narc. Whatever. The fruit tells the story.
Toxic people have total self awareness. They are all about pretense and deceit. Don't fall for it. Also, while it is useful to learn about NPD and all, it should be studied in conjunction with evil. Often pathologising leads to us getting further confused and losing sight of the elephant in the room, "evil".
All of this stuff does such a number on one’s mind. Including questioning our own sanity and asking whether or not we ourselves are narcs. Cutting people off seems so unnatural, and it’s only harder the closer they are to us. This video clears up so much. Thank you!
So true and so sad.
Yes. Feeling this so much right now.
It's not unnatural for everybody to cut somebody off. It gets easier the more you do it. Please do not make a blanket statement like that. It's not hard for everyone. You just have to learn to have better boundaries. It gets easier the more you do it like I said. I'll share with you basically what I tell people who try to cross my boundaries. I tell them, respect my boundaries or deal with my absence. There is no negotiation on that.
@@babyhandgrenade4004 Ever considered maybe you’re a narc?
@jansonrawlings8169 probably as many times as anyone else? Ever consider they may have good healthy boundaries, and perhaps their need to cut people off is because they meet unhealthy people? Consider perhaps you are criticizing someone with no context and subtly calling them a narcissistic to dismiss something they are doing, which is having boundaries. You are dismissing them having boundaries, you know, like a narcissist, consider that.
And yes! The constant feeling of being pushed, pressured and invaded was exhausting and overwhelming.
Kinky ;)