Did Domestic Life Get Ruined?
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
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It's not only ruined domestic life, it's ruined routine of any kind for me. The second l have any semblance of one, I'm compelled to sabotage it. It makes me feel like I'm in prison for life.. i cannot break out
Same. Feel trapped and miserable with any form of routine or responsibility.
Same
❤
Congrats on 700k subscribers, Patrick, and congrats to the 700k of us who have found him!
Soon he will be over a million subscribers 👍🏻👏🏻💪🏻
YAS! 1 million subscribers 4 Patrick! 🤟✌️ 🏆❤
I am glad his message is reaching so many people.
I was raised by a single woman who had no interest but to physically and emotionally torment me. Then I was told I would be the death of this woman from my whole family. I'm just now dealing with the trauma of this after two marriages the same. Gawd I hope I didn't do the same to my kids. 😢
I’m so sorry! 😢 Those are all lies. One day in therapy I had finally realized that my parents were incapable of love and it felt like the air had been punched out of me, and my therapist said, “That doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of love, because you are!!” It really changed me, so I’m saying the same thing to you, “You are very worthy of love!!” It’s not our fault that they were disordered. 🩷🩷
Dealing with the trauma means you've at least recognized it. This is more than most people get to.
In time, you'll be able to view the example-life you gave your kids, and have discussions with them about the influence it may have had.
Do not resent yourself, you did what you knew, and we cannot change the past.
Now you know better so you can do differently. 🙂💛
🫂
❤️🔥
No one likes the scape goat. We are too real for their bullshit. They hate our empathy but that makes us a good person. Never apologize for being an humanitarian and not going out in life to f*ck up or over people. You have a good heart and you're worthy of love.
Domestic life was ruined in a different way for me, from the outside the perfect family, as long as everything came down only to my mom. Paying 90% of the bills, making sure everything is done and perfect. But there was never deep conversations or love or interest in each other. Kids had no rights, no feelings and not allowed to express any feelings. Discipline was in the form of severe beatings or being shamed, ignored and nasty remarks. 😢 My marriage was also a terrible living arrangement. Like having an adult child, and being blamed for everything that goes wrong.
🥲💐
:(
You've described my life pretty close.
Hugs to you because that's misery to endure. You've made it through. I hope your recovery is going well.
I relate to your childhood 😢. I'm sorry for both of us.
Wow I needed to see this bc my partner is resorting to saying I remind him of his step mother and he obviously hates my guts. It makes me really sad. I’m just trying to live my life and go about my business being the best person and mother I can be. Now I’ll never unhear that.
Not a therapist and tell me off it this is unwelcome, but he's probably living in trauma too. Work together on it. It's very hard, but it's worth it to undo the messes made, even if you are making new ones in the process. Life is learning, show your kids how to learn too. I've heard the same from my partner "you act like my mom".
@@handlesshouldntdefaulttonames I totally agree. He seems triggered whenever he’s around me. I don’t even think he knows anything about me, I’m just a shell for bad memories to continue thru. He won’t go to therapy. Very sad. Thank you for your insight. I’m sorry that happened to you too. :(
@@itchysheets1222Sounds like an ultimatum is imminent. Don't stick around and suffer just because that's all he chooses to do. Love yourself more
❤ Sorry that happened, I hate that for you.
@itchysheets1222 why does he subject himself and you to misery. Maybe he'd be happier without you and you without him. Just leave. Pisses me off that I'm here single and willing and able and then there is people like you who chose to stay with dead weight. You are chosing to stay so you're just gonna have to keep your standards in the dirt until you can find some self esteem and leave. Good luck girl.
Why does trauma sneak in everywhere it fucking sucks
Yes. Totally ruined. I've managed to salvage my relationships with my children (they're teenagers now and still somehow, miraculously love me) but not with their mother or any other partner, and now i'm fully resigned to a life of solitary monkhood. There are worse ways to live...
You know, I'm actually pretty optimistic that I'll do well if I were to be married and have a family. I do worry a bit that I might end up with a person who turns out to be toxic, but not as much as I used to be. I wonder also what kind of blind spots I have toward my own behavior.
I’ve never been able to do it. Im only able to be alone/live alone. My last attempt of a relationship was on and off for three years and not once was I able to let him spend the night. Too scary for me. In fact, the entire time I was terrified. I feel suffocated and need space to breathe which in turn makes them clingy, which then gives me a panic attack and after that I need daysss to recover. Too much damage and I’m somewhat resigned to it. I’d love to hold someone’s hand or a hug, but those I only think about once in a while. I could use a lifetime of therapy, but after six years, it gets a tad expensive. Oh well. I never get bored and am a home body so life is fine.
you are so real 4 this one
I've gotten a lot better, but I still need to visit this channel from time to time. Thanks for your vids !
It took a couple months for my body to learn that my partner wasn't going to scold me for any chores not finished before he came home from work
God BLESS! 😇
I appreciate your honesty and content; I continue to pray for those who suffer and are affected by a world that has lost its way…..
OMG I really needed to hear this today - Thankyou so much 💗
Helps to think about that in the past to see how to make effort to change it
Domestic life has an unease for me- and I hold space and try to relax into it.
“This isn’t that.”
And when I have a question, I ask my partner.
yes great video. um my parents fought and there was a lot of really bad behaviors from it. and that would play out in my marriage where i had to overcome several really big things, and so did my partner as well. i feel my marriage has gotten better in some really big ways, and has gone through a few 'rebirths,' now, which is great! Cause before I got married I used to think people were not capable of change. What you saw would always be what it was, but the marriage showed no people can change if they chose to.!
And then there are ways where we are fundamentally pretty different and its more about accepting that fact and doing our best with that. Learning to be really accepting beyond where our natural normal is has been a huge theme for both of us also.
I will never allow myself to be okay with the abuse I faced/face growing up. I get used to bad things happening to me, but I will always fight for myself, how they treat me is not acceptable, it's not love.
in my house, it should have been called Domestic War
Even though my dad has been gone almost 15 years, my mother still struggles to directly ask for help. She can only shame us into doing things with her passive aggresive quips. I keep telling her she only needs to ask ahead of time so we can plan it, but old habits die hard, especially in her old age.
Listening to this, and...my god, why do people get together AND HAVE KIDS, with someone they don't even like?.. this eludes me
Now been living on my own for the past 10months, out of the family home and I get really triggered really easily, even by neighbours. It’s mainly the yelling or kids screaming, slamming doors. Also having the utmost need to continue doing things cause if you were ‘resting’ you needed to be doing something productive.
My life just seems to be a big ball of triggers with no breaks.
God yes. So much therapy. (I'm now doing EMDR with my current angel of a therapist for my CPTSD, if anyone's been wondering if it works, for me it does!! We're doing events one at a time.) I can't wait to be functioning enough to be able and have proper relationships. I do have a friend, a best friend actually even (!) since five years back, and she loves domestic chores like dishes, which gives me major stress attacks and thusly just pile up. I'm beyond grateful for her presence in my life, she teaches me about enjoying what people can give you. And she's a recovering people pleaser so I'm teaching her to yell NO and running off ahaha.
My parents were a true love story, and i think we were the byproducts of that. Lol never a spat, raised voice, let alone a fight or drinking or anything unsavory. We were lucky on that regard.
Please make a full length video on this!!!
she literally started a conversation about my MONEY AND BUSINESS, i told her enough, and she says i am lazy, (i work full time and am on career track) and she and then when i answer she cuts me off accuses me of being rude and "shes telling me the truth" and talks to me ugly, starts screaming at me, kicks me out, and tries to destroy my laptop. says that my plan to get a house through school is lazy and im going to ruin my life before i start it??? WTFFFFFF
People really don't know how bad it is until you get two coocoo for coacoa puffs
But how....
My perfect wife would cook for me. I do all the cooking by the way. To me cooking for someone is loving in action. I dont get why people dont get that 🤦
Idk if you are a psychologist or something but i feel the that i have identity issues like i feel idk who i am. It feels terrible sometimed i thibk i have cptsd or borderline
Why is my comment missing?
My parents relationship was "misery loves company". However I have been blessed in my relationship with a patient and understanding partner. ❤
You saying this with a Danny Devito avatar is everything. I'm cackling it's something he would say playing a character. I'm thinking of Frank and his mean @ss wife.
I just avoid it altogether. I am 34 and I have never dated, never had a partner and I don’t want to be married. I live alone and think I will always be this way. Domestic life was ruined for me after watching my parents and then my father with his new wife in two equally toxic, abusive, unpleasant relationships. I can’t put myself in a position where I risk opening myself to that situation.
You could try doing psychedelic mushrooms a couple of times and then see how it goes
@factitiously What a stupid suggestion. Develop your intellect.
I should have done that. ..wasted 18 years of my life, now I just want to live single . 😢
Rolling up on 46, and same, dated some, not much, but I would like to get married. Just gotta get over the whole isolation thing, and rejection sensitivity dysphoria. But this is a hopeful video. I can create a better life.
Good for you for not dumping your trauma on anyone. I respect that. Hope you find solace
Big hugs to you ❤ I’m sorry you had such painful experiences in your life. Im glad to see you on here, I hope you can find healing and support with Patrick’s videos and the nice people who share this space too.
I struggle so much with domestic life. I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband and it is still just a huge minefield for me. Maybe I should just admit that it has been ruined for me and start to rebuild from there. As always, thank you Patrick!
I've seen few happy marriages. With all the misery I experienced growing up, I want a chance at love and contentment. I want a partner that cares I exist and wants to be an equal partner in a relationship. My parents' marriage and my own marriage were fiascos and should have put me off ever wanting another relationship. But I do. I want the family that was denied me. I want to love and be loved. I've done it wrong, but now that I'm healing and understanding my trauma, I know I will do better this time. I don't want to give up on the one thing I have never known.
Thanks, Patrick.
💯💯❤❤‼‼
We'd all love to have that, but hardly anyone gets it, or for very long. It's a fairytale we're fed. If you get it great but don't beat yourself up trying to find it.
You deserve that . I believe in you ❤
I have a great life now. I keep telling my wife how much I appreciate our peaceful, happy life. She agrees.
I think that is the key, and it makes me look at what I have in my life right now. To be able to recognise when something is going well, value it - and the people, and not to believe that there is something wrong with the situation because it doesn't fit what we may have grown up with.
I'm so happy for you. 😊
RIGHT ON!!!!!!!
My parents were always strict about order and cleanliness but I never could uphold it and nwver even learn to need it or respect it, and they like to complain about inconveniences so I guess it would be a misery to live with me 😂😂😂. I'm not that tidy and convenient at all. And I hate to hurry.
My parents had divorce trauma. They don't love each other because they're incapable of love, but stick together because divorce bad, and so that was a horrible example. My Oma, my true supportive familial figure, had two husbands, both of whom cheated, one of whom molested her children and tried to kill her, financial abuse, alcoholism, physical abuse. I've never seen an example of a happy marriage. I often wonder if that's why I'm so extremely avoidant of anything romantic or sexual to the point that I am probably on the asexual spectrum. Can environment affect sexuality? I don't know
Marriage for love and "true love" are fairy tales sold to us by the religious elite. They don't even really believe in God, it's all a racket
From a dysfunction family. I saw people settle for anybody and just terrible marriages. My great grandma was single and was happy and well taken care of. I have no desire to be with anyone. I think I'm adhd maybe that's the self isolation but I don't trust or want to be with anyone I was the scapegoat child.
my mom later told me she had stayed with my dad because she had divorce trauma, when she was growing up her parents went through a really intense divorce and so she didn't want to do that and ended up really just being deeply bitter instead and it was awful.
So I know people who are Schizoid (it's an avoidant disorder not schizophrenic!) Are that way generally from trauma as well, and one of the symptoms of it aesexuality so I wouldn't be surprised if there at least can be a connection to it.
@@treesoul00 Yeah I really think that most people are in a huge amount of trauma and are not aware of it.! And then pass on unhealthy things. The amount of people who feel they are perfectly fine but then you see a lot of warning flags, it's a lot I think.
@@Sandra-hc4vo Yep its me I avoid a lot or take myself out of situations. I can sense trauma I try to avoid. My life is screwed up enough I would never tolerate a relationship and have an extra thing f*cked up that I have to deal with. It's just easier on my own. I have to deal with my family somewhat, but a relationship/ friendship that's f*cked up Is a hard no. I'm lonely but I have a wonderful puppy.
Oddly I have trauma from something similar yet very different. My parents never fought, never even raised their voices at each other. Why? Alpha Male father, narcissist, completely enabled by my mother. She thought she was doing the right thing. He was absent, emotionally unavailable, unsupportive except financially, and never gave approval. I was past 50 before I realized this had ruined my relationships, and awareness has been key!
I grew up with a single parent who resented the responsibilities of being a parent and spent every single day making me feel guilty because she was a single parent. It was all my fault that she wasn't married. Truth is she chased after jerks and any decent ones she found didn't appreciate how she treated me and they told me so. She would not treat them any better after marriage. It would just be one more person for her to play all her abusive games on. Good men know that they should pick women who make good mothers to be their wives!
Thank you, Patrick ❤
Live long bro you a beacon👐
I became an only parent at 20 with my only “village” being my mother, high in neurotic and narcissistic traits, who made it her mission in life to make sure I was constantly on high alert and constantly aware how inadequate I was at any domestic task. For years I lived my life in a fishbowl, being reminded all day of how I did the dishes wrong, did the laundry wrong, left a mess somewhere, didn’t attend to something fast enough. (Did I mention this was while I was also grieving and dealing with postpartum depression?) yes, at the time I was an absolute hot mess, but that’s to be expected under my circumstances at the time. The mission is to support and encourage, not tear down and criticize.
Only in the past year (my daughter and I are now nearly 8, and 29) have I separated from this dynamic and gone out on my own; I now have absolutely no help or support in any way (still single, relatively friendless, entrepreneur, and homeschooling my daughter) which is a load to carry, but I feel so much more at peace because I’m a better domestic partner to myself. I can acknowledge my own wins in ways my mother never would, and I can give myself grace where it’s needed, better than she ever did. I can relax and come down off my hypervigilance knowing that in my home, there is nobody else there to see my domestic shortcomings and pounce on them.
I thought I wanted to get married and have more children, but honestly, at this point the only peace I’ve ever had in my life has been living alone (well, as the only adult in the home) and I don’t know how I could learn to associate another adult in my home, with still having peace, and retaining the right to be myself and make my own choices.
Good for you!! I feel your pain and am very Impressed with your strength and wish I had taken a similar course and not got pulled back in to the foo mess which is still stinging me at every opportunity despite grey rock
If you’re always not changing what you know needs to change then eventually you’ll do something that is radical to change something you should just acknowledge and work on changing! Something like that!
No my first of a couple of serious relationships ended with the words, "I hope you die alone".
So, that's the plan. It'll be less painful than the love model I learned from my loving Mom.
God rest her soul. 💔
I never understood why my parents got married after my mom miscarried. And then got pregnant with me on his next leave home from the Navy. Or why this resulted in both of them and most of my dad's family scapegoating me for life (and trapped me in a narc marriage for 9 years). They and most everyone else always go/went on and on about their great love story. And my whole life, I've been standing in the background with this look of completely baffled "WTF?!? WHY?!?" on my face.
How do I know? Because of how often I was/am still told to get 'that look' off my face (at 54 y/o).
As I've been 'doing my work', I've come to all kinds of realizations... you know the ones that whiplash you from tears of anger/sadness to laughter of 'okay, now what?'... about what made me this way (AuDHD & Gifted). But also (maybe) what made/makes them the way they are. I've had to admit that I can't fix them. Now I'm focused on working out my ways of getting better.
Had a traumatised single mother who did her best and a dishonest, selfish father who did nothing.
Sometimes you learn just as much from your parent failings as you do their strengths.
I'm independent, honest and not greedy. If you had crap or abusive parents. Being the "victim" risks turning you into them.
Don't whine. Learn.
I’ve found myself in similarly toxic gaslighting shame driven relationship w a narcissist who controls all finances thoughts reactions like my mom ff my dad, but without the cleanliness. This partner I have lives I. Absolute filth that draws in pests etc and acts like I’m a psycho to be bothered by it. By far the worst partner ever. Poverty mindset, victim mindset, deflects even when blatant facts state causality. I want out but he controls the money so I worry I won’t live to get away. Esp bc he owes me $609 but hides his debit card so I can’t buy food or other necessities unless he approves it, adds the tab and checks receipts. I’d have killed myself if I didn’t have dogs to keep safe from his abuse.
I wish you and your dogs can get away!
Patrick please talk about mushroom trips for trauma healing! Literally nothing works as well!
Thank you for addressing this issue. Normal life is very hard for us.
Living on my own now and my domestic life still triggers me. I’m thinking I need to reassure my inner child that she doesn’t have to do the dishes… grown up me will do them.
That was the reason why I didn't have kids. I didn't want daily misery.
My parents were always fighting and it ruined having kids or getting married for me. I am on my second marriage now and no kids. I finally figured it out that marriage isn't supposed to be miserable on my second marriage.
Thank you for this. I thought I was alone in this feeling. I don't want any domestic life. I want to jump on a airplane to a different place each month preferably in a war zone just to avoid the drama that is daily life in developed countries.
First: I watch these video's because they are helpful and smart.
Second: I really think that learning how to interact with eachother in a healthy way, is truly amazing. Both partner to partner and parents to child (and child to parents).
I believe we can learn, and improve our ways.
Therefor I also believe, and am opposed to, too much breaking contact situations. I think one sometimes needs to take some distance, to become more healthy ourselves, but the blaming of the parent for the trauma while the parent is also a victim of its own unhealthy raising and also once was and still has an inner child that needs love... we want tbe best for ourselves and learn to understand the inner child dynamics and the healthy adult... then why demonize the parent that also is an inner child with wrong learned dynamics? Maybe if we start to see eachother through this, we can all practice healing and comforting our inner children and in that have space for seeing the inner child of the others around us instead of only demons that do us wrong.
Hope anyone understands these ramblings.
♥️
well said!
Growing up, the house was usually empty. Low income, divorced parents who worked constantly. When they weren't working, they were out living their best lives (socializing, dating, travel, etc.). It was honestly pretty terrifying at times. How this affects me today is that I start panicking if I don't hear from my husband when I expect to. He forgot to charge his phone when he was traveling for work, and I felt like I was going to lose my mind until he finally got to a place where he could charge his phone. I have a mantra that I return to: feelings aren't facts. Feelings aren't facts. Feelings aren't facts.
I acknowledge the panic that ensues when I feel like I've been abandoned. I state out loud "You're ok. You're just fine. You're a grown up. You're in control of your life."
When I have this kind of panic attack it effects me for days after. Usually with flu-like symptoms or migraines or both. I know intellectually that I'm fine and that dumb stuff like my husband forgetting to charge his phone is normal. And yet, I feel like I'm going to die even though I know I'm not. I've been working my whole life to end this kind of intense fear of abandonment, but here I am, at age 54, still responding like a little child who is afraid that their mommy and daddy abandoned them.