If you know, you know - talk about an awkward conversation 🫠 Also if you’re thinking, “why not just lend them the money???” this video isn’t for you lol. This can be really hard to deal with, particularly if you’re a financially-responsible people pleaser. To be clear: there’s nothing wrong with lending family & friends money, especially if you have the resources to do so. HOWEVER, never lend money you are not prepared to gift/lose. If you have a friend who is constantly asking for money but then the next day you see them buying everyone drinks at the club on their IG story… yeah, you gotta stop lending them money lol. Don’t say things like: “I gave you money last week for your car and I saw you at the club!” “No every time I lend you money you never pay me back” “Fine, but this is the last time and you have to pay me back!” “I got my own bills to pay, I’m not a free ATM!” “I don’t want to give you any more money, you’re a liar!” Instead, set a boundary. Communicate to this friend that you aren’t a resource for borrowing money. Just because you manage your money well, that doesn’t make you a free resource for others to abuse. Advocate for yourself. Be kind, yet firm. Be there for your friends. A real friend won’t stop being your friend just because you don’t give them money all the time. If they do stop the friendship for this reason, they were never a real friend. A real friend will understand.
Its really depend the kind of friends you have. I saw that with my husband if he lend loney he have to ask for it back. My friend will just refund me as soon as they have, I never have to ask for it. Same if I ask someone for money I definitly give the back before they ask, that suck having to ask I wouldn't want to do it neither having someone to do it with me. Really that depend on the education, thoose are teach with manner. Actually not only for money whatever else like clothes, tools, went you mend something tp someone you expect them to give you back when they are done needed it.
@audreysugier5305 You're right. But, I look at it as an act of kindness. Do I hope to get repaied? Yes. Do I expect to get repaid. No. However, if you take advantage of my kindness, you will also lose the benefit of it too.
Depends…. I feel with larger sums it’s more warranted to ask a friend for help. If you don’t have 200$ in an emergency fund you are just bad with money. If you ask for 2000$ and have a legitimate reason and a paybackplan, you are more likely to pay it back. My mom borrowed 20k from her friend to buy a car. She paid it back within a few months with a small interest. She just didn’t want to go into a high interest debt…. I don’t think her friend even hesitated….
@sarahtaavetti Yes, that is a fair point. But, I feel that also depends on the relationship itself and the amount of reliability and trust that has been built. Still, when it comes to money, some people get "weird," especially around repayment.
There's only two people I'll ever lend to (well, three, but mom died), my aunt and best friend. They don't ask often, never large amounts, and they always repay immediately. I think the most was $50, so she could get her asthma med refilled. They always offer to help if I ever need help, even if I don't ask.
IF you're not ready to go "cold turkey" on people pleasing, try something like this! "No ☺️ BUT I've got some space in my fridge if you need somewhere to store your perishables until Tuesday so you don't lose anything important before you get paid."
Yes! Always make them work for it. A girl called me for medicine money. I told you "if you can drive here ill have it for you" pharmacy was 1 block away she was 45 minutes. Always make them work a little. Never do the venmo thing. Its too easy :)
I have a friend who is well off. At this time in our lives he was not a millionaire but he was not hurting for money. When I was starting my business and had a newborn child my business had a setback that would have ruined it. The bank was no help and my friend offered to lend me the money to fix the issue. I refused because I knew I would not be able to pay him back for years. He said you can give me equity in your business or pay it back over time. Thats how he became a 10% owner in my company and hes gotten more than 100x his money back over the past 40 years.
Sounds like your situation is based on good faith and your friend is business savvy. The example she is pulling from is one of those people who are reckless with their money (e.g. buying several hundred dollar shoes when they have debt already)
I seriously will NEVER understand how people feel no shame asking for money. I remember having to ask my friend for a $1 for the vending machine and I felt so terrible that I gave them $5 the very next day.
I never "lend" anything I wouldn't be comfortable giving to that person as a gift 200 is too much for a friend gift, so in a situation like this one specifically if i really liked them I would probably "lend" them a mini fridge while they saved up the money themself
Would love a whole series on boundary-setting with long time friends and family members (example scenarios could be When someone dislikes one's partner and gossips about said person, when someone is constantly walking all over another's boundaries, holding people accountable/calling people out, communicating needs, etc). I feel like we live in a day and age where healthy confrontation rarely exists nowadays.
Be at peace with the (likely) possibility that you will never see that money back. Feel free to ignore this question, but I’m just curious, if it was a lump sum that you lent or just many smaller amounts that have added up to $3k?
I sometimes give money but I I have always had a personal policy that I don't lend money. And I will say it that "I have a personal policy that I don't lend money to anyone."
This advice applies to family too, even though it can be harder to say no. And don't EVER lend/give someone money until you are in a financial position where you could just set it on fire. Because that's essentially what you are doing.
See, my problem is the "when you can" bit. What if you always can? Because I've been whining in therapy for years about my guilt complex and how it makes me feel like I can never say no. I'm pleasantly surprised by any friend who doesn't owe me thousands of dollars.
Set a dollar limit and stick to it. I had an ex once tell me, thinking she 'won the breakup', that if I wanted to remain friends it would cost me $300. I remember that now, and make that my 'threshold' because if someone would rather have $300 than me as a friend, they're no better than my ex
@@edrosales1520 That's a very interesting idea. I like the way you think. Maybe instead of saying, "The bank of Evie is now closed" until I'm blue in the face, I'll start saying, "The bank of Evie has a 300 dollar lending limit" and see who sticks around lol.
There are things I offer to give. I am generous with it. I lend a colleague my car for a weekend. I lend another colleague one of my suitcases for the next year so she doesn't have to buy a big, stable and light weight one (my boyfriend and i have two smaller ones that are more than enough for the trips we plan for this year). I offered my sister to help her out financially because I knew she would have it hard (she didn't take the offer though and managed on her own. Glad she did so!). I offer things when I feel you could need the help and if I can provide the help without causing me discomfort. If someone asks me though, I'd probably say no. I offer help if I feel like it. All of the people above also never took my offers for granted or asked me for more.
I’m eastern european and this seems so weird and cold to me 🤨 If your FRIEND is in desperate need of help, and you have a stable well paying job, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just help them out? Purely because it’s an inconvenience? Okay. Good luck, nobody is going to help you once YOU’RE the one in trouble.
I borrowed money from a friend to buy my family a set of bed sheets as a gift for Easter. However, the prevous month, I had to take sick leave, so my paycheck was much smaller than what I was expecting. I told her what I needed to buy with the money, I showed her the gift on the website, and the receipt once I bought it. It was something like 2 weeks from my next paycheck, and I had money for bills and food, but nothing extra. I gave my family those sheets, they love and use them often, and I paid back my friend the day I got my regular paycheck.
Thank you for not trying to justify your answer-so many times when I’ve had people want something from me, I feel the need to justify myself by over explaining. But when the manipulator hears my reasons, they only see cracks in the armor to guilt-trip me into accepting their grift. “Oh, you’re busy? I didn’t realize, I had so much more to do because I have two kids, you can’t even imagine how much I have to get done in a day.” “Are you sure you can’t help out? You’re the one always saying we need to be there for each other.” Or even worse: “I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face.” “Your privilege is really showing, and I don’t think you really want to help others out, you just want to virtue signal.”
I once had to ask my friend for $100, it was competely abnormal for me, but I literally had to pay for the deposit and 1st month's rent for my dad and sister and was $100 short for my own bills. My friend said not to worry about it. But i paid her back and made this huge deal out of it because we were going somewhere fun we could use it. She was happy but said, "I told you not to worry about it." We have this other friend that has 3 kids and I'm doing well in life. When i came to visit i said i was taking them both to lunch and a pedicure. Lunch was right next this cupcake place I like. Friend B said we should go and share a couple cupcakes and she would pay. Guess who stood back when it was time to pay? Guess who does that often? It isn't the money, it's the gesture. Lunch and pedicure > 2 cupcakes.
I've had emergencies sadly where I've had to ask for a loan from a friend or family member, but those times I've prefaced the question with "you can absolutely just tell me no, no explanation needed and i 100% won't hold it against you" and included 1) the date by which I'll pay them back, 2) payed them back by that date or earlier if i can and 3) changed how I plan my finances so that I won't have to ask in the future if possible. I think it's ok to ask in emergencyies, as long as you don't think and act entitled to that kindness. I'd honestly be kinda sad if my friends didn't ask me for money if they really needed it! 😅
A person willing to pay you back wouldn't buy new sneakers. Just say no and stop being an enabler of their bad spending habits. If they cut off your friendship, you don't lose anything.
It’s so incredibly problematic that enough people haven’t been taught boundaries and there’s such a deficit in social interactions that people need a video explaining that saying “no” is okay and that stating your stance and sticking to it is okay. Btw this isn’t a negative comment about your video or about the people who need it. I just hate that so much of our society is like this.
That’s my biggest rule. I will not give you money I can’t afford to live without. That’s how friendships in and you’re essentially selling someone into slavery. I know that seems crazy but think about it. You hold that over them. They owe you a debt. And no matter their intentions, this puts you in a position over them in a friendship dynamic. Imagine harassing a friend over $20 because you actually really needed it back and then this otherwise great friendship falls apart because they can’t or won’t pay you back. I’ve given money to people I no longer speak to and I’m not angry with them over money because I never expected it back. It’s for your own sake to not loan out what you need back.
Truth. If I ask you for money and you say no, we still hang out and I don't bring it up again. I might ACTUALLY be emotionally hurt over the incident, but I KNOW that you said no for a reason, and if I respect you, I move the hell on.
Once your friend become the borrower, they become your slave and you are the master. Is that how you want to be with your friends??? Just give them the money. They are not going to pay you back, and lending money to a friend ALWAYS ruins the relationship. If you can't afford to just give them the money you definately can't afford to loan them the money.
I feel like the explanation of why they're not reliable, like not being able to repay money asked for in the past may help them to understand why you're not lending money to them, but I can't help but think that people that are like this are just narcissists that would immediately rebuttal that by saying "so you're holding a grudge?" Or "I'll pay all that back if you just do this for me" or "you're more privileged than I am. You don't need the money" to try to manipulate you into feeling bad
Unless your card doesn’t work for some legit reason, I honestly don’t see why you would ever need to borrow 200$ from someone. Anyone who has to BORROW 200$ for an emergency like a fridge is simply not good with money and you should never lend them any…. No matter your tax bracket, you should have an emergency fund that is larger than 200$!!! Also, if they can’t afford 200$ this month, how are they gonna afford the EXTRA 200$ in the next?
If I barely know them, automatic No. If they've gotten money from me before, automatic No. If I like them, they get the option: $10 to keep or $20 to borrow & pay back. They ALWAYS choose to keep the $10.
Nope, the appropriate response is, "Ooh, I'm sorry but you already owe me $800 for your dog's vet bill and I can't loan you more money until it's paid back. You would simply get too far into debt, and I wouldn't want that."
This happened to me, but I was only 12 and i didn't understand gambling/Bingo. An old friend's mother has a dangerous addiction of gambling and I thought I was helping her when she needed the money. of 300$. I don't think I ever got it back after all these years, but I'm older, smart and aware to make sure who I can help or not to help, etc.
I think NPR lifekit had an episode on this. Basically what a lot of people here are saying, don't lend money you dont have or need back. Give when you can, if you want to, but don't be resentful if you don't. I have more sympathy because I have a coworker going through this. Very short on money, but seems pretty responsible and has plans to pay back.
I have a rule that I learned from my father and it’s always served me well. I love to help my friends, so I’m more than happy to lend if they’re in a financial bind. But when I do, I tell them “this is a loan, unless you don’t pay me back. Then you can consider this a gift. But if you don’t pay me back, that’s the only money I’ll ever loan you.” Obviously a prereq is that this person is actually a good long-time friend that I know won’t scam me. But it keeps my bleeding heart from over-committing my funds while also giving me room to help the people I care about.
Best advice I’ve heard about lending money is if you have the money that you could give it to them and them not paying you back wouldn’t be a problem for you, why wouldn’t you just give it to them? Waiting for them to pay you back messes with your relationship with them. Don’t lend people money. If a bank won’t give them a loan you shouldn’t either.
Fuck that. If you're a real friend, call them out for not paying you back last time, call them out for blowing 300 on sneakers, tell them their own spending habits are why they're in a bind now and they need to do better. And still say no. Expect your friends to do better for themselves.
Pro tip: Never lend money. If you want to *gift* money to a friend, that's fine. But make sure they know and you know it's not a loan, it's a gift and you don't expect them to pay you back. This way, you never have to anxiously wait to be paid back, you can say no to all loans with no ifs, ands, or buts, and if your friend never pays you back, well, you told them not to pay you back so the relationship doesn't suffer at all. But never give away money you need for you.
Tuesday she’ll be broke asking to borrow again. Rule one try not to let friends know you have extra. #2. Tell them you’ve had bad experiences before so you don’t lend money to friends or family.
People who buy 300$ shoes but don’t have an emergency fund are people you need to RUN from. Don’t keep company like this cause they only keep people around to use them and they have no sense of responsibility.
I was given the advice that should have friends and family owe you money. Fine to give but not to loan. Another was in this case, give them $200, not a loan, just give it. But on the understanding that they don’t ask you for money again. Either they’re cool with it, or you learn who your real friends arent
The few times I have had to asked money from friends and family. We pay it back immediately (the same week or even following day). I think that trust people put in me, needs to be reciprocated with gratitude.
I think it would also be super appropriate to say "ive lent you a lot of money recently and im not comfortable giving you any more until youve paid me back." Sometimes giving the 'why' plainly and calmly can help feel more sure in the boundary!
Learned this too late :( my old boss used to ask for money every single time I got paid . And once I set a boundary comviently lining up with 2 weeks before I was off probation she let me go. And of course never paid back anything
Don't lend money you can't afford to lose. I live by those words. If I lend, I assume that I won't see that money again, so I accept it. Then, if they repay me, feels like I got a nice bonus!
You get one outstanding loan from me. And if you fail to pay me back, I Will start charging interest. Trust me, you don't want to borrow money from me.
Tell them to go to the payday advance places they offer up to $300 most of the time or $255 it’s a payday loan so once you show them your check stubs or pay frequency then it’s usually 2 weeks to a month to pay back
I don't make friends with people who do this, ever. Problem solved. hehe I am nice to everyone, but no one who would do this naturally makes it into my inner circle.
I never lend money. If I have the extra I will give it to the and tell them not to worry about paying it back. Lending can make messes in relationships that I choose not to create or deal with. So I give when I can, and refuse when I can't.
Am I the only one who'd never do that shit Most I have lent away are just one euro and 100€ to my cousine, but the latter was a gift to support her theough university among high inflation
First lessons from my economy teacher on loans was that loaning to friends and family is dangerous, there are usually no contracts so its difficult to get your money back if they refuse even in court. My advice atleast get written proof that they agreed to loan from you under the condition you pay them back by a certain time, atleats you have a leg to stand on if they wouldent pay back.
My half sister started asking me to borrow money and at first i was happy to help her out but i eventually just told her i cant help her anymore because she would always pay me back later than she said she would (always made up some excuse as to why it took longer) and she clearly had no interest in having an actual relationship with me, she would only message me when she needed something so i stopped it from happenong before it got to the point of her taking advantage of me like she does our dad
I like my grandpa way: "yeah sure! As soon as you pay me the money you owe me from last time". This way they know they can count on you for a loan if they need it but you won't give them free money so they will pay you back if they want to keep counting on you
@@misspriss2482 Ooooh, I'm sorry. Mine was only a single book, paid about $25 for it, but it was a signed copy with a letter inside. I lent it to a kid, a friend of my son's. "Huh? What book?" Aaaargh
I loose on this every time. I always think what I were in the same situation or if I need any other help from the same friend in the future. Then, give money anyway
If you have to always say yes to your friends to get their help, they're not your friends. A real friend can accept no sometimes and still help you out. If they are that petty, you don't want or need them. This isn't a case of never helping a friend and expecting their help. This is about not being used.
Her dog was sick and her fridge broke, so I would not refer to those needs as behaviors you don’t want to enable. If you can help her and you want to and you prefer to set a specific payback date, then do so. If you can’t or you just don’t want to, then say no and don’t feel guilty or apologize. But don’t get condescending and judgy. You have a right to not lend money and you don’t need an excuse.
She had spent $300 for sneakers and had borrowed money months ago that she hadn't paid back. A friend like this is always in crisis and never plans for emergencies. They never pay you back. Noticing that someone blows money and refuses to save isn't being judgy; it's discerning that they don't use money wisely and will forever be borrowing money. People like this never learn or change.
If you know, you know - talk about an awkward conversation 🫠
Also if you’re thinking, “why not just lend them the money???” this video isn’t for you lol.
This can be really hard to deal with, particularly if you’re a financially-responsible people pleaser.
To be clear: there’s nothing wrong with lending family & friends money, especially if you have the resources to do so.
HOWEVER, never lend money you are not prepared to gift/lose.
If you have a friend who is constantly asking for money but then the next day you see them buying everyone drinks at the club on their IG story… yeah, you gotta stop lending them money lol.
Don’t say things like:
“I gave you money last week for your car and I saw you at the club!”
“No every time I lend you money you never pay me back”
“Fine, but this is the last time and you have to pay me back!”
“I got my own bills to pay, I’m not a free ATM!”
“I don’t want to give you any more money, you’re a liar!”
Instead, set a boundary. Communicate to this friend that you aren’t a resource for borrowing money.
Just because you manage your money well, that doesn’t make you a free resource for others to abuse.
Advocate for yourself. Be kind, yet firm.
Be there for your friends. A real friend won’t stop being your friend just because you don’t give them money all the time. If they do stop the friendship for this reason, they were never a real friend. A real friend will understand.
can you please make an email body template for sending cv or resume ? 🥺🙏🏻
This is great! But can we also find a way to get back that $800 that the broke / financially-irresponsible friend still owes you?
So true. Never lend more than you're comfortable gambling. More times than not, people don't pay you back. Especially the larger the amount.
Yep, that's always been my policy! ❤
Its really depend the kind of friends you have. I saw that with my husband if he lend loney he have to ask for it back. My friend will just refund me as soon as they have, I never have to ask for it. Same if I ask someone for money I definitly give the back before they ask, that suck having to ask I wouldn't want to do it neither having someone to do it with me. Really that depend on the education, thoose are teach with manner. Actually not only for money whatever else like clothes, tools, went you mend something tp someone you expect them to give you back when they are done needed it.
@audreysugier5305 You're right. But, I look at it as an act of kindness. Do I hope to get repaied? Yes. Do I expect to get repaid. No.
However, if you take advantage of my kindness, you will also lose the benefit of it too.
Depends…. I feel with larger sums it’s more warranted to ask a friend for help. If you don’t have 200$ in an emergency fund you are just bad with money. If you ask for 2000$ and have a legitimate reason and a paybackplan, you are more likely to pay it back. My mom borrowed 20k from her friend to buy a car. She paid it back within a few months with a small interest. She just didn’t want to go into a high interest debt…. I don’t think her friend even hesitated….
@sarahtaavetti Yes, that is a fair point. But, I feel that also depends on the relationship itself and the amount of reliability and trust that has been built.
Still, when it comes to money, some people get "weird," especially around repayment.
If I can't gift it, I don't give it. I don't lend money.
Same I never lend friends. I don't have many friends lol
There's only two people I'll ever lend to (well, three, but mom died), my aunt and best friend. They don't ask often, never large amounts, and they always repay immediately. I think the most was $50, so she could get her asthma med refilled. They always offer to help if I ever need help, even if I don't ask.
Money or keys!
IF you're not ready to go "cold turkey" on people pleasing, try something like this!
"No ☺️ BUT I've got some space in my fridge if you need somewhere to store your perishables until Tuesday so you don't lose anything important before you get paid."
Yes! Always make them work for it. A girl called me for medicine money. I told you "if you can drive here ill have it for you" pharmacy was 1 block away she was 45 minutes.
Always make them work a little. Never do the venmo thing. Its too easy :)
I have a friend who is well off. At this time in our lives he was not a millionaire but he was not hurting for money.
When I was starting my business and had a newborn child my business had a setback that would have ruined it. The bank was no help and my friend offered to lend me the money to fix the issue. I refused because I knew I would not be able to pay him back for years. He said you can give me equity in your business or pay it back over time.
Thats how he became a 10% owner in my company and hes gotten more than 100x his money back over the past 40 years.
Sounds like your situation is based on good faith and your friend is business savvy. The example she is pulling from is one of those people who are reckless with their money (e.g. buying several hundred dollar shoes when they have debt already)
Good boundaries on both sides led to a great outcome!
Shame that you still can’t pay them back😅
@@soneelitadid you read the last sentence, or were you joking?
I seriously will NEVER understand how people feel no shame asking for money. I remember having to ask my friend for a $1 for the vending machine and I felt so terrible that I gave them $5 the very next day.
Totally agree. Honestly people that act like the friend in the video are just users, I don’t thing it’s worth it keeping a friend like that
Fr. ok maybe they needed a little help but the audacity to ask for more money before paying back is wild
Learning to say no to family and friends is one of the most valuable money lessons you can learn.
I never "lend" anything I wouldn't be comfortable giving to that person as a gift
200 is too much for a friend gift, so in a situation like this one specifically if i really liked them I would probably "lend" them a mini fridge while they saved up the money themself
Lending you get it back..a gift they keep…
That’s the same friend who then venmo requests you for $2 Taco Bell that they purchased with their moms credit card
Would love a whole series on boundary-setting with long time friends and family members (example scenarios could be When someone dislikes one's partner and gossips about said person, when someone is constantly walking all over another's boundaries, holding people accountable/calling people out, communicating needs, etc). I feel like we live in a day and age where healthy confrontation rarely exists nowadays.
Such a nice nuanced perspective. Refreshing take!
i needed to see this. I have a friend who owes me 3000 so this is helpful for next time
Be at peace with the (likely) possibility that you will never see that money back.
Feel free to ignore this question, but I’m just curious, if it was a lump sum that you lent or just many smaller amounts that have added up to $3k?
@@fatalynn7 it was many “small” loans. Thru Covid times
I sometimes give money but I I have always had a personal policy that I don't lend money. And I will say it that "I have a personal policy that I don't lend money to anyone."
Yeah. Real friends do get over it. I basically check that I can afford it. If I can't I have to say no to not also go broke.
This advice applies to family too, even though it can be harder to say no. And don't EVER lend/give someone money until you are in a financial position where you could just set it on fire. Because that's essentially what you are doing.
See, my problem is the "when you can" bit. What if you always can? Because I've been whining in therapy for years about my guilt complex and how it makes me feel like I can never say no. I'm pleasantly surprised by any friend who doesn't owe me thousands of dollars.
Set a dollar limit and stick to it.
I had an ex once tell me, thinking she 'won the breakup', that if I wanted to remain friends it would cost me $300. I remember that now, and make that my 'threshold' because if someone would rather have $300 than me as a friend, they're no better than my ex
@@edrosales1520 That's a very interesting idea. I like the way you think. Maybe instead of saying, "The bank of Evie is now closed" until I'm blue in the face, I'll start saying, "The bank of Evie has a 300 dollar lending limit" and see who sticks around lol.
If you give money, never expected it back.
Can you do one about telling a friend that their addiction to drama and social media is not cool 😂
Balanced, fair, common sense advice. It’s really refreshing to see a channel built on that.
Girl, you're wise beyond your years in so many ways. Love your advice.
There are things I offer to give. I am generous with it. I lend a colleague my car for a weekend. I lend another colleague one of my suitcases for the next year so she doesn't have to buy a big, stable and light weight one (my boyfriend and i have two smaller ones that are more than enough for the trips we plan for this year). I offered my sister to help her out financially because I knew she would have it hard (she didn't take the offer though and managed on her own. Glad she did so!). I offer things when I feel you could need the help and if I can provide the help without causing me discomfort. If someone asks me though, I'd probably say no. I offer help if I feel like it. All of the people above also never took my offers for granted or asked me for more.
I’m eastern european and this seems so weird and cold to me 🤨 If your FRIEND is in desperate need of help, and you have a stable well paying job, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just help them out? Purely because it’s an inconvenience? Okay. Good luck, nobody is going to help you once YOU’RE the one in trouble.
I borrowed money from a friend to buy my family a set of bed sheets as a gift for Easter. However, the prevous month, I had to take sick leave, so my paycheck was much smaller than what I was expecting. I told her what I needed to buy with the money, I showed her the gift on the website, and the receipt once I bought it. It was something like 2 weeks from my next paycheck, and I had money for bills and food, but nothing extra. I gave my family those sheets, they love and use them often, and I paid back my friend the day I got my regular paycheck.
Thank you for not trying to justify your answer-so many times when I’ve had people want something from me, I feel the need to justify myself by over explaining. But when the manipulator hears my reasons, they only see cracks in the armor to guilt-trip me into accepting their grift. “Oh, you’re busy? I didn’t realize, I had so much more to do because I have two kids, you can’t even imagine how much I have to get done in a day.” “Are you sure you can’t help out? You’re the one always saying we need to be there for each other.” Or even worse: “I can’t believe you’re throwing that in my face.” “Your privilege is really showing, and I don’t think you really want to help others out, you just want to virtue signal.”
U ARE my big sister!!!
I once had to ask my friend for $100, it was competely abnormal for me, but I literally had to pay for the deposit and 1st month's rent for my dad and sister and was $100 short for my own bills. My friend said not to worry about it. But i paid her back and made this huge deal out of it because we were going somewhere fun we could use it. She was happy but said, "I told you not to worry about it."
We have this other friend that has 3 kids and I'm doing well in life. When i came to visit i said i was taking them both to lunch and a pedicure. Lunch was right next this cupcake place I like. Friend B said we should go and share a couple cupcakes and she would pay. Guess who stood back when it was time to pay? Guess who does that often? It isn't the money, it's the gesture. Lunch and pedicure > 2 cupcakes.
I've had emergencies sadly where I've had to ask for a loan from a friend or family member, but those times I've prefaced the question with "you can absolutely just tell me no, no explanation needed and i 100% won't hold it against you" and included 1) the date by which I'll pay them back, 2) payed them back by that date or earlier if i can and 3) changed how I plan my finances so that I won't have to ask in the future if possible. I think it's ok to ask in emergencyies, as long as you don't think and act entitled to that kindness. I'd honestly be kinda sad if my friends didn't ask me for money if they really needed it! 😅
No is a full sentence.
A person willing to pay you back wouldn't buy new sneakers. Just say no and stop being an enabler of their bad spending habits. If they cut off your friendship, you don't lose anything.
It’s so incredibly problematic that enough people haven’t been taught boundaries and there’s such a deficit in social interactions that people need a video explaining that saying “no” is okay and that stating your stance and sticking to it is okay.
Btw this isn’t a negative comment about your video or about the people who need it. I just hate that so much of our society is like this.
This happened to me two years back. My oldest childhood friend. Live and learn right
never loan money. if you have the money to gift and want to help someone, gift it. otherwise dont give it to anyone
What about no when bill collectors ask for money?
That’s my biggest rule. I will not give you money I can’t afford to live without. That’s how friendships in and you’re essentially selling someone into slavery. I know that seems crazy but think about it. You hold that over them. They owe you a debt. And no matter their intentions, this puts you in a position over them in a friendship dynamic. Imagine harassing a friend over $20 because you actually really needed it back and then this otherwise great friendship falls apart because they can’t or won’t pay you back. I’ve given money to people I no longer speak to and I’m not angry with them over money because I never expected it back. It’s for your own sake to not loan out what you need back.
Yep one big thing to learn is never lend someone a certain amount of money that could hurt you financially
Truth. If I ask you for money and you say no, we still hang out and I don't bring it up again. I might ACTUALLY be emotionally hurt over the incident, but I KNOW that you said no for a reason, and if I respect you, I move the hell on.
Why are you emotionally hurt that other people have their own problems and lives to manage, and aren't responsible for you?
Good timing, my friend just asked me for money😮
Absolutely solid advice!
Once your friend become the borrower, they become your slave and you are the master. Is that how you want to be with your friends??? Just give them the money. They are not going to pay you back, and lending money to a friend ALWAYS ruins the relationship. If you can't afford to just give them the money you definately can't afford to loan them the money.
"No" is a complete sentence...
I feel like the explanation of why they're not reliable, like not being able to repay money asked for in the past may help them to understand why you're not lending money to them, but I can't help but think that people that are like this are just narcissists that would immediately rebuttal that by saying "so you're holding a grudge?" Or "I'll pay all that back if you just do this for me" or "you're more privileged than I am. You don't need the money" to try to manipulate you into feeling bad
No is a complete sentence. Words i need to hear often.
Unless your card doesn’t work for some legit reason, I honestly don’t see why you would ever need to borrow 200$ from someone.
Anyone who has to BORROW 200$ for an emergency like a fridge is simply not good with money and you should never lend them any…. No matter your tax bracket, you should have an emergency fund that is larger than 200$!!! Also, if they can’t afford 200$ this month, how are they gonna afford the EXTRA 200$ in the next?
If I barely know them, automatic No.
If they've gotten money from me before, automatic No.
If I like them, they get the option: $10 to keep or $20 to borrow & pay back. They ALWAYS choose to keep the $10.
Nope, the appropriate response is, "Ooh, I'm sorry but you already owe me $800 for your dog's vet bill and I can't loan you more money until it's paid back. You would simply get too far into debt, and I wouldn't want that."
This happened to me, but I was only 12 and i didn't understand gambling/Bingo. An old friend's mother has a dangerous addiction of gambling and I thought I was helping her when she needed the money. of 300$. I don't think I ever got it back after all these years, but I'm older, smart and aware to make sure who I can help or not to help, etc.
I think NPR lifekit had an episode on this. Basically what a lot of people here are saying, don't lend money you dont have or need back. Give when you can, if you want to, but don't be resentful if you don't.
I have more sympathy because I have a coworker going through this. Very short on money, but seems pretty responsible and has plans to pay back.
I have a rule that I learned from my father and it’s always served me well. I love to help my friends, so I’m more than happy to lend if they’re in a financial bind. But when I do, I tell them “this is a loan, unless you don’t pay me back. Then you can consider this a gift. But if you don’t pay me back, that’s the only money I’ll ever loan you.” Obviously a prereq is that this person is actually a good long-time friend that I know won’t scam me. But it keeps my bleeding heart from over-committing my funds while also giving me room to help the people I care about.
Best advice I’ve heard about lending money is if you have the money that you could give it to them and them not paying you back wouldn’t be a problem for you, why wouldn’t you just give it to them? Waiting for them to pay you back messes with your relationship with them.
Don’t lend people money. If a bank won’t give them a loan you shouldn’t either.
Fuck that. If you're a real friend, call them out for not paying you back last time, call them out for blowing 300 on sneakers, tell them their own spending habits are why they're in a bind now and they need to do better. And still say no. Expect your friends to do better for themselves.
Something for this specific scenario could be offering to store some food temporarily
Pro tip: Never lend money. If you want to *gift* money to a friend, that's fine. But make sure they know and you know it's not a loan, it's a gift and you don't expect them to pay you back. This way, you never have to anxiously wait to be paid back, you can say no to all loans with no ifs, ands, or buts, and if your friend never pays you back, well, you told them not to pay you back so the relationship doesn't suffer at all. But never give away money you need for you.
Tuesday she’ll be broke asking to borrow again. Rule one try not to let friends know you have extra. #2. Tell them you’ve had bad experiences before so you don’t lend money to friends or family.
People who buy 300$ shoes but don’t have an emergency fund are people you need to RUN from. Don’t keep company like this cause they only keep people around to use them and they have no sense of responsibility.
I was given the advice that should have friends and family owe you money. Fine to give but not to loan. Another was in this case, give them $200, not a loan, just give it. But on the understanding that they don’t ask you for money again. Either they’re cool with it, or you learn who your real friends arent
The few times I have had to asked money from friends and family. We pay it back immediately (the same week or even following day). I think that trust people put in me, needs to be reciprocated with gratitude.
I think it would also be super appropriate to say "ive lent you a lot of money recently and im not comfortable giving you any more until youve paid me back." Sometimes giving the 'why' plainly and calmly can help feel more sure in the boundary!
Learned this too late :( my old boss used to ask for money every single time I got paid . And once I set a boundary comviently lining up with 2 weeks before I was off probation she let me go. And of course never paid back anything
Don't lend money you can't afford to lose. I live by those words.
If I lend, I assume that I won't see that money again, so I accept it. Then, if they repay me, feels like I got a nice bonus!
You get one outstanding loan from me. And if you fail to pay me back, I Will start charging interest. Trust me, you don't want to borrow money from me.
Tell them to go to the payday advance places they offer up to $300 most of the time or $255 it’s a payday loan so once you show them your check stubs or pay frequency then it’s usually 2 weeks to a month to pay back
Erin, could you make a video on study-work ? If that's even a thing in the US? I'm going through it right now
I don't make friends with people who do this, ever. Problem solved. hehe I am nice to everyone, but no one who would do this naturally makes it into my inner circle.
I never lend money. If I have the extra I will give it to the and tell them not to worry about paying it back. Lending can make messes in relationships that I choose not to create or deal with. So I give when I can, and refuse when I can't.
Am I the only one who'd never do that shit
Most I have lent away are just one euro and 100€ to my cousine, but the latter was a gift to support her theough university among high inflation
Honestly my first instinct was something along the lines of, "Alright, let's set up a payment plan!" *takes out calendar*
First lessons from my economy teacher on loans was that loaning to friends and family is dangerous, there are usually no contracts so its difficult to get your money back if they refuse even in court. My advice atleast get written proof that they agreed to loan from you under the condition you pay them back by a certain time, atleats you have a leg to stand on if they wouldent pay back.
Yep, my grandfather has always said “don’t lend money you can’t afford to give away.”
My half sister started asking me to borrow money and at first i was happy to help her out but i eventually just told her i cant help her anymore because she would always pay me back later than she said she would (always made up some excuse as to why it took longer) and she clearly had no interest in having an actual relationship with me, she would only message me when she needed something so i stopped it from happenong before it got to the point of her taking advantage of me like she does our dad
I like my grandpa way: "yeah sure! As soon as you pay me the money you owe me from last time". This way they know they can count on you for a loan if they need it but you won't give them free money so they will pay you back if they want to keep counting on you
I find one solution for this. I never lend, I give without the expectation of getting it back even if they promise they will give it back.
When I lend money, I GET my money back. Period. I don’t care if I come off as a bitch
My mum says don’t loan money and expect it to be payed back. It’s a nice surprise if it payed back but most people won’t
Never lend money to friends. I would lend money to anyone except friends. If you want to keep your friends don't.
My friends and I always treat each other and pay back what's borrowed. Proud of us
Loan them twice and end it from there . End the friendship too .
Never and I repeat never borrow money from your friends. Period. They are not banks, don’t treat them as one.
If a friend won’t loan you money it means they think your life is worthless. Find better friends.
I think if you’re going to lend money, count it as a gift that won’t be paid back.
If they still owe you money then they're not going to pay you back on Tuesday.
Simply decided years ago...i dont loan money, its either a gift or a NO
Just say no...not really advice
STOP DOING this ! FRIENDS do not USE you !
Why is it so hard for some people to just pay it back? I always pay back my debts as soon as I can
I stay away from these people. simple
Nope never hand out cash. I helped a friend out a few times.
Never lend money I expect back.
My favorite part was when they said no
And that’s how you end up on judge Judy
Please please do more of these videos.
Portraying this as the “broke friend” is incredibly disgusting
Huh? If they weren’t broke they wouldn’t be asking for money 😂
Always get it in writing.
yup, lent 4k to a friend and i'm never getting it back. it got her kids out of a charitible situation but i'll never bail her out again
LOVE the hair
No
No.
I don't even lend books that I can't live without.
Learned that lesson the hard way. I loaned somebody books and they got "lost". Sure. $100 worth of books and she kept them.
@@misspriss2482 Ooooh, I'm sorry. Mine was only a single book, paid about $25 for it, but it was a signed copy with a letter inside. I lent it to a kid, a friend of my son's. "Huh? What book?" Aaaargh
I loose on this every time. I always think what I were in the same situation or if I need any other help from the same friend in the future. Then, give money anyway
If you have to always say yes to your friends to get their help, they're not your friends. A real friend can accept no sometimes and still help you out. If they are that petty, you don't want or need them. This isn't a case of never helping a friend and expecting their help. This is about not being used.
Her dog was sick and her fridge broke, so I would not refer to those needs as behaviors you don’t want to enable. If you can help her and you want to and you prefer to set a specific payback date, then do so. If you can’t or you just don’t want to, then say no and don’t feel guilty or apologize. But don’t get condescending and judgy. You have a right to not lend money and you don’t need an excuse.
She had spent $300 for sneakers and had borrowed money months ago that she hadn't paid back. A friend like this is always in crisis and never plans for emergencies. They never pay you back. Noticing that someone blows money and refuses to save isn't being judgy; it's discerning that they don't use money wisely and will forever be borrowing money. People like this never learn or change.
I love all the people in the comments using biblical wisdom in lending without expectation of return (gifting)
So true