I'm hosting a 2-part LIVE Inner Child Workshop August 12 and 19. It will also be available on-demand for those unable to join live. For more details or to register now, go to: katimorton.com/the-shop
Ah Doc! Katie that's my work hours. Love those pillows 💕 These workshops going to be supah different? Love ya vids - seems like I'm still creating new wounds as I'm trying 2 progress which suxs a lot
When I was 13 I met a man who told me he would take care of me and that he had drugs that would make me feel better, I was so desperate for someone to take care of me and so miserable I would have done anything to feel better. I did drugs until I was 20 and got clean all on my own. And I can confirm drugs do not fix anything, they just cause more problems. I've been clean almost 5 years now and it's still a struggle every single day. Do not go down that path, it will not fix you or help you.
@@suzysurgent62 When I was 18 I was in yet another abusive relationship, I'd gotten kicked out of school for missing too many days, and I did nothing but self harm, drink, get high, and hangout at my boyfriends house (now ex boyfriend). Then I finally saw my life for what it was, and what it would be forever if I didn't change. It took a few years and a lot of hard work but I haven't done drugs since 20, I rarely drink, and I haven't self harmed in a year. I just keep reminding myself if I go back to who I was before I'll never have the life I want. Plus it helps that my best friend is also clean and I know if I relapsed it would let him down.
@@foreversweaterweather thankyou for sharing!!! i’ve come to that realisation of “if i don’t stop now, i’ll never heal” in my own life. it’s so hard but yeah my struggle is restrictive eating/undiagnosed anorexia. well done for how far you’ve come, it must be a relief thinking about those moments, to know you got YOURSELF out of that! it’s amazing and truly incredible x
Best tool my therapist taught me was visualising a safe place in my mind and taking my younger self there and explaining I have to go do adult things now and I'll be back to pick you up. It helps me calm down to do a social task. Another one was looking at a photo of myself as a child and smile at him and telling him I love him and all the things I needed to hear at that age. Doing that every day was helpful over time.
Thank you. I felt that, like a little bit of relief when I pictured myself explaining to 4 yr old me when I have to physically leave my house. I've been struggling with agoraphobia, something completely new and surprising. I finally realized it was literally the terror of a 4 yr old, bc tiny children aren't equipped for adult life, no wonder she's terrified. I've been looking for and trying ways to reassure her adult me is up to the task of protecting us, ways to calm and comfort. This feels like something I should try. Appreciate you sharing!
I immediately thought I'll do this, I'll put her in "the closet" and then caught my breath bc bad things are in the closet and she can't deal with them, that's WHY they're in the closet. And now my chest is about to explode
I've recently started reading my childhood journal, and it has brought up A LOT of emotional things for me. I'm so grateful to my 8-year-old self for writing the things that I did. It allowed me to look back at my childhood without my current perspective modifying anything. I have nothing but compassion for my childhood self (well, I have sympathy, gratitude and admiration, too). She was so tender and vulnerable, and went through so much.
#3 hit me like a brick wall. I often tell my fiancé “I don’t deserve you” when he’s super thoughtful or caring (which I was/am not used to) and I didn’t realize until this video how much I *really believed that* or that thinking that way was flawed ☹️ whoa
Yes it’s acceptance - and the sooner we get past ‘I don’t deserve / I’m such a loser’ type thinking - stuff casually said which drags us down - the better.
I have extreme fear of abandonment along with low self esteem. I just feel people leave me because they cant stand me. I have talk with my therapist about this. She asked me how i would cope with her having 4 weeks summer break. I told her i would be fine. I was anxious but i knew i would talk to her after those four weeks, we had set up three appointments and that was comforting to know. Then before our first appointment after summer she told me she had to cancel all her sessions due to illnes. I spiraled so bad. Cried for two days straight. And one week after, i am still sad. I really miss talking to her, i have seen some therapist over The years but she is The first i have opened up to and told my deepest secrets that makes me so ashamed. At The same time i feel an attatchment to her. I dont know anything about her outside therapy, but she has been my steady point since december and she has helped me cope and keep my head abow water. I fear she is seriously ill and i worry about her, because i do care about her in some way. Not knowing if or when i will Get to talk to her again is so hard. I hate this feeling of not knowing. I was going to tell her about my attatchment to her and how i have had many female figures during The years who i have felt a strong attatchment to. I feel emberasst for it, but i wanted to sort it out with her. I’m so sad, she has been a great help for me, and i am so thankful.
Maybe this helps: don’t be ashamed of what you’ve shared or your feelings of dependence… view these experiences as honest steps towards learning your own strong acceptance & independence. You’re not alone and nothing you’ve therapeutically shared (or weakness you have felt) makes you any less than the rest of us. It makes you committed to completing an inner goal… regardless who walks the path beside you.
Wow, this really speaks to me...I remember stuffing my emotions down when I was a kid because I never felt like I was ok to express my emotions. I'm still working on healing from my childhood...I sometimes overreact, especially when I get overstimulated (I deal with sensory issues like loud noises, crowds, etc) and it can cause me to overreact or lash out...or sometimes I see things that aren't there...or old insecurities come out like people pleasing even though I'm in a better place now...I'm still working on healing...and this video was a reality check that reminded me I have some more work to do.
What's bad is when you're in your 40s and the inner child is STILL being wounded regularly and you have resources or ways to get help to deal with it and are stuck in the situation.
I prefer the “emotional bank account” analogy. When you have plenty of money in your account, small debits don’t have much impact because your high balance gives you a nice safety buffer. If you have a low balance, a small debit could easily bring you below 0. If you have a negative balance, every tiny debit is compounded with overdraft fees. It’s easy to let the little things slide when your world is big and life is full of good things but when your world is small and full of troubles, any new thing adding to your emotional load feels like death by a thousand cuts.
Started therapy for C-PTSD recently. I was asked to bring some photos of when I was a little boy to a session. Guess the purpose of that was to start connecting with my inner child. My therapist would look at the pictures with me and ask me if I can see how little I really was.
That's why child abusers/molesters/neglecters need locking up & throwing away the key.That they could knowingly damage a defenceless & fragile child is despicable.
I have CPTSD too! I have a picture of me and my abuser when I was a toddler and I'd sit and just talk to my inner child and tell myself how sorry I am that my childhood was so horrible. It's helped me so much to feel more compassion for myself instead of judgement
You making and publishing this video at this exact time given what is going on in my life seems almost serendipitous. Everything in this video has clicked with me, and now I have a much better idea of the path I need to grow and heal - and inner child work will be a huge part of it. Thank you so much! I'll definitely be signing up for the workshop!
Kati. I have said it before and I'll say it again. You're beyond amazing. 😍 I struggle to attach, therefore this really resonates. The tips you give are super helpful. Thank you.
Hi Kati! I am in a difficult situation with my elderly parents and today I found myself bursting into tears instead of using words and being assertive. I couldn’t understand the reason. Even as a grown up, there are things that still hold me back from a having a healthy relationship with them. As I watched this, I realized what path I need to start to follow in order to heal and be better. For my parents but mostly for me
My mother would threaten to run away all the time. If I tried to tell her something, she'd sigh heavily and ask if this was going to be a long story. I never felt safe growing up.
I’ve been doing this all a long time, but I still struggle with making and keeping friends. Its hard for me to know how much to reveal how soon, my usual is to say nothing which just makes me really closed off in general. Its so hard when you were never given any examples of how to relate to people effectively and also I didn’t live a “normal” life so I often dont relate to ppl my age. Kinda sucks.
I can empathise - my adoptive family were pretty insular, and while I did make some friends it was difficult and still is, as an adult, even after a few years of therapy. I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, though, but it's still confusing and scary at times! My main problem is not feeling like I know what to say and then I just stay quiet, stew and get anxious instead.
What about abuse from peers? In middle school and high school the mean girls syndrome and being bullied by peers for years can wreak havoc with our self image, wondering what is wrong with us or our family if they are immigrants who barely speak English or speak English with an accent? Watching parents being disrespected and bullied by other adults can be terrifying for children.
I love how you said “withholding” something is a form of abuse, too. This is a great clip for us to reflect what kind of wounds we have and should work on❤
Wow. You really hit every nail squarely in the head. I see some of these signs in my whole family and myself. The effects are so long lasting and don't just go away as time goes by. It's helpful just hearing you SAY outloud, the signs AND the causes that mark our development from childhood forward. Thank you!
Your upcoming workshop is very reasonably priced but still sadly beyond my means at this time. So grateful that it will be on file as my situation may change. Makes me TRULY appreciate all the free videos you bless us with. Like this video today. Was in tears at the end when I realized how many of them applied to me but also hopeful as you gave a solution for each. Thank you Kati, for all your compassion and generosity. The world needs more people like you!!!!!❤❤❤❤
I was a heroin addict for 5 years back in Iran. I left my country to feel at peace. Get away from toxic parents and environment. I started studying clinical psychology to heal myself and to understand people around me better. Things have changed for me in a better way but I still am suffering from PTSD. I have flashbacks to my childhood. To my addiction, to my parents neglect. This wound is so deep ... I lost the connection between my brain and my body. Today I wanted to remove my spine and move like a worm (we were actually worms with no brain ! ) because You know Trauma keeps the score... It all landed on my shoulders and neck. I can't sit straight feels like I want to hold and keep my pain in between my arms ... Kati, in this world of chaos I realized that I don't need to search. I need to build. Love is helping me a lot. Having a partner who hears you, and understands you without judging you is healing because not everyone understands. Not everyone will open their arms to you when they hear what happened to you in the past.
So very glad I stumbled upon your youtube channel. The way you explain things in clear, nonjudgemental ways has really helped me to think about some things lately. You're doing a public service. Thank you.
Kati, I disagree about "thinking we DESERVE" to be treated poorly in relationships. That happens, but I believe it's more about the "bad" being our normal so the initial red flags are not as evident and it's familiar and comfortable even if we don't want it.
I think this is related to how sometimes Negative Self-Talk that a lot of us can struggle with, be impacted by - even without being aware of just how deep rooted or how often that negative Self-Talk affects us consciously + unconsciously.. and whilst a lot can be influenced by how poorly other people treat each other.. only we can claim ownership over our lives and practice + build skills to challenge that negative Self-Talk + reshape it into lessons we can learn and grow from + build our Resillience as we choose to be /become more Self-aware..
I honestly don't see anything in the human world that confirms the idea I deserve to be loved. If you don't have money then you live under a bridge. I think people with good enough or better parents can gain the impression they deserve to be loved from their parents and then that basically blocks out how the world is and it is partially true as their parents will support that notion, even if that's just one or two people doing that in society. Is it a wound or just accepting reality without blinking?
This video is really touching and I feel so helpful in this video. And finally found the reason that why I still suffering with something in the past. Neglect is the main causing me to still have same issues right now as 21. And also learn about “ inner child” and “child abuse” and it can happen for a long time without knowing and it can be worse if we don’t notice and speak up. And you say “ emotional abuse doesn’t leaves a mark that people can see” I can’t be more agree with that. Because that is how I feel but I don’t have any of words to express that feelings, and everyone just acting let you’re freak or too sensitive. It sucks. You also explained what cause self injury so well. And include the reason why people doing that. In my case, I do self injury for quite a long time of my life, maybe at least 10 years. I would self injury when I feel so numb and I got to feel something to get myself back in. Or I feel I’m not good enough and the fault is my own and I do it as a punishment. Sometimes I do it to transfer the pain I feel emotionally to physically that I can control. I had a time of explaining this to somebody else but that can’t understand why or even not understand the words I said. That is not making any sense to them. But this video it explain it so well as a therapist who is professional. Well done, thanks again. And by the way, I suffer from CPTSD as well, and I finally got myself into medication and therapy. But my problem might be too big cause I’m not only suffer from cptsd but also MDD, Anxiety, DID, Dissociation Amnesia. So wish me luck :)
I remember my mom always saying I was such a good baby. I realize now they thought I had adjusted well to the adoption. What they didn't register was that I didn't cry or cause any bother BECAUSE I'd already given up. Switching so many homes until I was officially adopted when I was 1 1/2... i wasn't able to attach to anybody. Crying was useless because my needs were not met. Sometimes...most of the time I hate them for being so stupid and not noticing.
Love these definitions of reaction versus response. Every healing process requires energy, patience and time. Yet the modern world that now knows so much about trauma does not give enough resources to help the really traumatized. Eg. a person from a healthy functional family who goes through a trauma might get support of various kinds (financial, food, cooking, cleaning, stay at their place, etc.) BUT a person from a dysfunctional family of orgin (parents never worked out their trauma, are toxic, etc. ) has less to lean on... so not working full time can be a problem.... Even in Europe, where there is generally accessible healthcare for all, society still has in many respects not figured out the details of facilitating how to allow the injured to seek help without sigmatizing them with a psychiatric diagnosis and for being lazy and not working full time. Most jobs are from 8 to 16 (4pm), but therapists also work from 8-16. Big companies are not expected to have emotion processing rooms for people who get triggered by eg. a toxic client or toxic coworker. No, people are expected to work and stuff their negative emotions till they get home. Even in Europe. Stuffing emotions is a basic survial strategy.... it keeps us functioning in other more important realms...... the Maslow Pyramid of needs and motivation shows us why..... Processing complex emotions and situations requires energy and time, yet in modern life in the western world we many times do not have that time. Social norm many times says that getting manicure is self care.... but real self care actually meets basic needs for the different parts of our bodies and soul: quality sleep, quality food, hygiene, time to rest outside of sleep, etc. .... AND processing life is a basic need.
hai idk who will see this and this isnt related to what ur talking abt but i just wanted to talk abt something so i think i have bpd (and alot more other stuff) and i dont really know what to do and i cant get therapy bc of my mom but i just wanna ask with the proper search and knowlegdment(i hope i spelt that right) and with the tips that i see, is it okay to self dignose myself???
omg I feel like this all the time , it's like I'm often just a few seconds from Bursting into tears. I know I desperately need therapy regarding childhood sexual abuse but it is absolutely terrifying to even think about digging all that crap up . can I ask you if its quite common for people who think they have dealt with crap years ago because they hardly ever think about it and then get 30 years down the line and suddenly become overwhelmed with it all ? I thought I was fine until I got to about 45 years old and my head randomly fell off about it all ?!! had to add to that , when you got to addiction. I fought all my life that I was using because I enjoyed crack cocaine and heroin and its only lately I've come to realise that sexual abuse has to have a huge effect on us and affect our subsequent behaviours! and I'm half way through this video and realise you are completely answering my questions!
At 65 and over a year into therapy for c ptsd with no progress, I feel I'd be doing my therapist and the planet a great favor by just disappearing. Can not live with this pain another moment.
Steven Sawyer ~ I understand that you're feeling like things aren't getting better, but you are a beautiful, valuable and worthy person who is willing to do the work to help yourself out of the pain. Please don't give up! God bless you!
Steven, at 68 I am struggle everyday. I have 11 (eleven) plus years in individual, group, and self-help therapy. I hear your struggle in this post. My struggle is within me. It is my anger, rage, why did it all happen, why is it still as painful as if it is NOW not then. This past year I have made a commitment to ME. I will, in the present, I will have PEACE. It has taken a full year to finally "click, get it". I have to give up the ANGER, the RAGE...I have every right to both, they do not bring me Peace. Before I die of natural cause, I will have Peace because I have a clear mission!... No one gets to say what any of our missions are, YOU will know as you process. We are given tools in therapy, no one has our answer necessary to heal...Wishing you insight as you journey.
When you do the inner work, alot changes, you do not put up with people disrespecting you. You have more self respect and walk away from people and situations that hurt you. You cannot undo things you have learned, you go back to your past and try and put the puzzle together and you loose people because you have changed so much. The version that was you in the past is no longer there, the people pleaser and most do not like this, it is a shock for some. In the end i have found that i can spot people who just want to use me a mile off now and i can assess situations quicker and this gives me time to exit or stay until i can do so safely. Never tell someone your plans , it could save your life in some situations.
I feel like I’m gonna need to watch these videos over and over. It’s almost too much information to process at once. I am coming to this as an older person and even though I have done a lot of inner work, I can see I still need a lot more. Yes I am a recovering perfectionist. I am thinking the inner child workshop would be super good for me. Super tired of my own inner talk telling me not to have a hair out of place… thanks so much for these videos. Cannot explain in entirety how much they help. And yes, I am in therapy too and have been for years. I read a lot too. Body Keeps the Score, and books by Pia Mellody on intimacy. But it goes to show you it’s a lifelong journey, this quest for wholeness. Blessings to all the people brave enough to undertake the work!! ❤
Hi from SA. Your message resonated with me. I shared this with 3 friends. Its been a year now that I can't cry, laugh or be happy. I feel so isolated and misunderstood.
This is an excellent summary of common and often very tough symptoms many of us experience with some really useful skills we can try. Thank you so much for sharing your work! Your warm heart really shines through these videos and it's a beautiful way to start the day!
If you work with these feelings I think that you're not trying to put the blame on someone (care-givers) is important. Blaming does not help, it is giving up on self-responsibility and self-respect. As you said, Kati, the past is past, no chance of altering it. Acknowledging the hurt and trying to find out why it might have happened, is a way for me not to get taken over those feelings. Of course, I struggle, with the signs #2, #3, and #4. BUT: this is not an excuse for physical abuse, actually any kind of abuse!!! Inner child work is hard for me because I didn't and don't like children. When I was about 14, I asked my mom how much and adult weighs. She answered: "About 70kg." I tried to get there. Because I wanted recognition as a person. It didn't work, but nonetheless my parents were pleased with my eating. When they were young, there wasn't always sufficient food on the table, of which the men were fed first, the women and children with the remainder. Thus, eating meant my parents were able to provide, and that I was healthy, not sickly. I wasn't overweight then, but at around eighteen I ballooned, and have been overweight ever since (45 years). I know why, YT just isn't the place to discuss it. My way of treating my inner child is with food: once a month I make fish fingers and fries with mayonnaise.
This was really well done. I have a LCSW, but currently not practicing, so I logically know these things, but when it comes to my own mental health it's like the knowledge just escapes me. It's great to be reminded to take care of my inner child and get back to work I was doing on it in the past.
I realize now that I have lots of inner child work to do. I hit every mark on your list, except for the unprocessed abuse. I can't remember any physical abuse at all, though there was a lot of emotional abuse that I am finally accepting as reality rather than me just needing to 'toughen up' or being too sensitive. Thank you for this Kati, and all your videos. I'm new to your channel and will be following.
Katie, I have been having problems celebrating my birthday the last five years. I just don’t want to do anything and feel like I can’t allow myself to be happy. It’s weird … I just want to hide out in bed and be alone. Especially stay away from my narcissistic family who causes me anxiety. Suggestions?
I suffer from a lot of guilt with my neglect of my two children. Things I did that were not acceptable while raising children. I always worked but I did not participate in a lot of activities with them or spend quality time with them physically or mentally. Put them first ahead of other people. My emotional being was suffering at that time in my life. Not that was as excuse but may be why I reacted to disappointing relationships by acting inacceptable ways.
I am a new listener to your channel. And it is funny how I have become more open to looking into the ‘why’ of my behavior patterns. It is said in Al-Anon that ‘you find it when you are ready to find it’. In this case I truly believe that is true. Before I came to Al-Anon I could not have even considered looking at my behavior in anyway and seeing it as dysfunctional at all. But Al-Anon held a mirror up to me and I started to SEE myself and forgive myself, as I only knew how to handle what I had the tools to handle. I found peace. But with the peace that surrounded the way I interacted with other people and helped me adjust the way I communicated, I still had anxiety. I had been seeing a therapist for several years, but sadly she died due to COVID December 2021. In addition, I had to send my kitty of twelve-years to the other side in December; and am only now re-emerging. (Well the pandemic isolation hasn’t helped) And now your video popped into my stream on RUclips. I do definitely believe that I could benefit from inner child work; I believe my mother was emotionally unavailable. Thanks to Al-Anon I have been able to forgive my mother internally and let go of the anger I carried. But now I see I still have yet to connect with myself. Thank you for sharing your thoughts online with us. I know you have struggles too; but it is so much easier to help others. At sixty, almost sixty one I am finally on the path to serenity ☺️
I recall being told if I cry or got caught crying that if I wanted something to cry about then she’d give be me something to cry about unless your bleeding or have visible injuries you are not allowed to cry or you’ll be beaten
WOW ... Bingo !!! Question: Is it dangerous to do inner child work if you had the childhood from hell, and are struggling with a lot of somewhat severe unprocessed trauma?
From my personal experience, yes. It can be destabilizing to do inner child work because it brings up difficult memories, and if don’t have the right, personalized support, the fall out can be a gateway to maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of the difficult memories (for me this was dissociation, binging, suicidal rumination). This is especially true if you have someone in your life who is not supportive, is dismissive, or retraumatizes your inner child wounds; in these cases, multiply the destabilizing effect of inner child work by a factor of x. This work is very hard, and you need support. I had a LOT of support from therapists and doctors, and I still had to take medical leave for depression because healing my inner child wounds was so destabilizing, and I couldn’t go to work everyday while also doing inner child work. My strongest recommendation is put yourself in EMDR treatment with a therapist who knows how to support CPTSD. Processing the trauma with EMDR is fast (compared to talk therapy) and will go a long way to help you process and heal the inner child pain. In fact, I wish I had done EMDR first, instead I did five years of talk therapy which was helpful but it was too cerebral and resulted in rumination and anxiety which takes a tremendous amount of effort and discipline to manage. Whereas, after 7 weeks of weekly EMDR sessions, I noticed marked improvement in my day to day thoughts and my ability to come back to center when a memory came up. Then at 12 weeks, I started making life changes and was interacting with people differently, from a calmer and healthier place. I’m at 20 weeks now, and I am feeling more like myself, more stable and stronger than I have in at least a decade. Hope this is helpful to you and anyone else who knows they need help and are ready to start this work but aren’t sure how to go about it.
Dear Katie, thank you for this video, it is eye opening. I wanted to ask, do you think that having suicide in the back of one's mind, is a kind of "fall back" response to feeling out of control and maybe having an underlying fear of experiencing emotional pain? This is my default position when I experience overwhelming and painful things. I am sometimes frustrated with myself when this happens and I feel this way because when I look at my present, current life, there is no reason for me to feel this way.
My mother was emotionally unavailable, and didn't give affection, didn't say I love you. When I tried to hug her she'd push me off and tell me to go away. When I told her I loved her she wouldn't respond. I was the family scapegoat. The black sheep. When I was in my 20's I mentioned to my grandma in tears, that I didn't understand why my mom treated me differently than my older sister. She said she never understood it either and tried telling my dad when I was a kid. But my grandma was literally the most loving, affectionate woman ever. It wasn't forced, she genuinely loved me unconditionally. I remember in my later teens and early 20's I developed friendships with older women, it's like I literally sought them out. I don't do that anymore and I feel like I've healed a bit because I confronted my mom in my late 20's, and she was remorseful, cried and apologized and tried giving me a hug but I told her I didn't need it anymore it was too awkward. She still doesn't say I love you, she doesn't hug...she was abused as a kid, her mama was abused by her husband (my mom's dad), he was an alcoholic and addicted to gambling, they were poor and my mom was neglected on every level. Her dad finally got sober once her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, she passed away from it and she was 54 at that point. I was 3 when her mom died and she still cries about losing her mom. So in a way I think my mom did her best as a parent, she always made sure we had everything we needed and wanted. We never went hungry or without a home like she did. I have compassion and empathy for her, and I've forgiven her but still wish I could've had affection and love. I would like to try and heal my inner child so I can be the best mom possible. I tell my kids I love them daily, multiple times a day, but struggle with affection and I'm hoping I can somehow develop that with them. I do give them some affection but in my opinion it's not enough. I just don't think about it, if they come and hug me I hug them back, and kiss their heads, or my daughter on the lips or cheeks. If they sleep with me (which is mostly every night) we cuddle. Anyway! I wish I could be the perfect mom, so I don't cause any trauma for them.
Also, omg I’ve never actually known it was a problem to expect love to be earned. Like, I have heard people say ‘I don’t need to do anything to deserve (something from a loved one, or some luxury). I deserve it because I’m me.’ I thought this was an extreme privilege and a lack of awareness about it.
Hey Kati, I was looking to get my Master's in Clinical Psychology. My state requires 60 credits or 90 half credits from a CACREP-accredited program. I actually came across a few online programs that have in-person practicums. I was wondering what your thoughts were on that? I've been hearing that employers dismiss those who have online degrees.
Thank you for being on RUclips. Your videos really give me things to think about. Although inner child work may sound ridiculous at first, the reality of it is actually much darker in many cases. Someone's inner child can be wounded for any number of reasons so when an adult goes back to think about their inner child, it might be shocking to find out that they have wounds they don't remember ever developing. This was the case for me when I first learned about my abandonment issues. I went through most of my life so far not knowing they were there so they must have developed at a very young age but were stuffed down. I probably didn't have the words to say I felt that way at the time and my memory faded as I grew up. The older I became, the less in-touch I was with the wounds that caused my abandonment issues to develop. I don't blame anyone for my abandonment issues, but the fact they're there still means I need to work through them.
Finding this video made me realize how much I needed to look back, analyze and understand why the past has such a presence today. Thank you for such an insightful message
hey thanks for the video, its really good. I have a question, is it abuse if my dad would spank me for idk fighting with my sibling and then when i had mental breakdown and cried he counted to 3 and if i didnt stop he spanked me more, to have a reason to cry(which obviously doesnt make sense, cause i was crying because he already spanked me and also because i was like 4-7) or is that normal?
So how do I know the difference between controlling myself and stuffing things down? I used to be a chronic bottler. So I don’t want to go back to that. Well Jesus…I have 5-6 of these…that’s terrible!!! God help me…
Hi Katie! Thank you for such a helpful video. I do have a question. I have always struggled with attachment issues like you mentioned. But if over sharing is too much, and under sharing is too little, then do you have any tips for finding that middle ground? I do not easily open up to people, and accidentally oversharing is one of the fears I have that keeps my distanced.
I really clicked with all of these issues so far but especially the one's with abusive relationships and the feeling of not deserving the love, care and attention that is needed. especially with the feeling of mistrust in those that do show that towards me
I know this was posted quite a while ago - but I was able to find it at the exact right time for myself personally. My healing journey began a long time ago, but I don't think I would have ready to hear my own inner child at that point in my life. I now have the great benefit of years of therapy and learning healthy coping skills under my belt along with a fabulous base of support, which makes this a particularly good time to approach/connect with/comfort and care for my own inner child. I want to Thank you for posting the content that you do and the genuine and relaxed way that you create it. You are one of those 'shining lights' in an often dark world. ❤️🩹🌎❤️💫
8:16 Whoever invented tough "love" was screwed up, themselves, and imo just searching for an excuse to take their pain out on others designated with the labeling to justify the transfer of abuse, IN THE NAME ONLY of "love." I may not have received much love in this life, but I know enough to know it isn't ever supposed to hurt or harm.
I was binge watching ur older videos and it’s crazy to see how much your channels grown but also how much you have grown as a person! In your older videos you had more energy as u do when you have a newer channel but years on your so use to it and you are so calm I love you both ways hope you are well :)
Kati, can you help me please? I have CPTSD, healing through emdr, but when I think of my inner child I want to hurt them. How can I resolve this? It makes me very uncomfortable. Thank you in advance
I'm broken. Perfectionism, ruminating a negative outcome from any setback, retreated from the world in my appt., alone with my kitties. My mom destroyed my life and set me up for a pattern of bad decisions thru life. I must say it is so nice to hear your voice and see your face.
If the Auto Industry asked you to Hooonkkk outside your neighbor's house every night and day over and over again would you? Then Please 🙏 lock your vehicle with light flash Only no Honk One click of the fob not two. One click not two. Light flash confirms that car IS locked and armed. Honk is not needed. I cant do mine but I cant do yours. The Auto Industry needs to turn down the volume. W A Y down. They dont seem to care about our communities and health. Thank you.
Too many videos on this subject have people talking like mr Rogers and being way too mushy for my inner child. I was a 90s tomboy who hid in coat racks to scare the sales associate. I get super uncomfortable with anything that feels performatively soft and gentle. I’m not a big ‘wear your emotions on your sleeve person.’ I know it doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else. I’m not saying the approach has no value for other people. I would probably be the ‘I don’t attach very easily’ type of trauma survivor. But the world of mental health education and support seems geared towards the people who have a much quicker, more loudly sensitive, and vulnerable attachment issue. It’s frustrating because not everyone will ever be the hug strangers, be outwardly sensitive and soft, and make friends with everyone type of people, and we need a much more clinical and professional approach.
I whole heartely believe my wife's mental issues and relationships issues definitely stems from this I have no doubt unfortunately at 45 years old she is finally getting professional help.. One question I have could the feel-good feeling of getting attention can that be considered an addiction or is that still called a emotional supply..
I was treated the best I ever have, kind, affectionate, so caring. Turns out while I was at work he would go to happy endings massage parlors a couple times a month! 😳 found out year 6
I don’t understand the message of we all deserve love. We all desire love. But deserve? Isn’t the current understanding that we aren’t entitled to anything? And I agree no one is entitled or deserves to be in a relationship. But then turn that around and say we all deserve love? It’s just confusing. Especially since love, if you want it to be real, has to be freely given. So.. it can’t be coerced or something you’re entitled to. I also don’t think we DON’T deserve love. We should love ourselves without falling into narcissistic behavior. But I don’t think anyone deserves love. Unless you’re like talking about rasing children.
..you just hit the point. How the hell can I fill the VOID in me (in the anxious attachment style )??? Please tell me. This void I cant control it or fill it
oh yeah, that hit the spot. My thing is that if someone hurts me I get rid of them! I treat myself good, but my memories still haunt me. Thank you Kati
I think the only problem is security and love which we didn't feel when we were baby and child. Behaviours aren't problems those are symptoms. So we have to learn security and love as a baby, in my opinion.
7:03 When we don’t believe to be treated well & someone good comes along we can think “wait I don’t trust this, this weird” Then we sabotage the relationship because we’re used to being treated poorly.
I look over at my bulletin board. There is a photo of a 3 year old child. The child has bruised eyes. I was told it was the result of allergies. Allergies do not bruise eyebrows or across the nose. His birth certificate says male, yet he is wearing a dress and holding a large doll. He is a she, being intersex. I took the photo to a therapist 40 years ago, and there was no concern. Was it that hard to believe the girl in the photos was the boy at the therapist. I would get slapped at the slightest disapproval from my mother. I moved out once, but mother insisted I move back home. Would you believe the person who put dresses on me as a child, slapped my face for wearing female clothes as an adult.
Eating junk food when I’m really stressed is my way of forgetting about the negative situation thought but then a few hrs later I feel like s*** I also peel my lips sometimes I don’t realise I am doing it I feel guilty for it after. Can you please make a video on lip picking. I heard it was a form of self harm.
Watching your video, (bits and pieces if I'm being honest) I've concluded I'm likely suffering from "an Inner Child Wound". So what are the next steps?
thanks a lot Kati, for all your work...it´s amazing how you can discuss about very deep and complexes problems in a very understandable and pratical way....you are certanly changing lots of lives!
I'm hosting a 2-part LIVE Inner Child Workshop August 12 and 19. It will also be available on-demand for those unable to join live. For more details or to register now, go to: katimorton.com/the-shop
Ah Doc! Katie that's my work hours. Love those pillows 💕 These workshops going to be supah different? Love ya vids - seems like I'm still creating new wounds as I'm trying 2 progress which suxs a lot
Do you by chance offer any scholarships for your course(s)? And if so, how would I go about applying for one?
What time will it be, Kati? I’m in the U.K. x
I live in NZ so can't attend live, but I bought the pre-recorded version :)
Can I get this sent to ups as a parcel?
When I was 13 I met a man who told me he would take care of me and that he had drugs that would make me feel better, I was so desperate for someone to take care of me and so miserable I would have done anything to feel better. I did drugs until I was 20 and got clean all on my own. And I can confirm drugs do not fix anything, they just cause more problems. I've been clean almost 5 years now and it's still a struggle every single day. Do not go down that path, it will not fix you or help you.
Well done for everything. You deserve to be very proud of yourself ❤️
Wow that's sad unbelievable how did u overcome it
@@suzysurgent62 When I was 18 I was in yet another abusive relationship, I'd gotten kicked out of school for missing too many days, and I did nothing but self harm, drink, get high, and hangout at my boyfriends house (now ex boyfriend). Then I finally saw my life for what it was, and what it would be forever if I didn't change. It took a few years and a lot of hard work but I haven't done drugs since 20, I rarely drink, and I haven't self harmed in a year. I just keep reminding myself if I go back to who I was before I'll never have the life I want. Plus it helps that my best friend is also clean and I know if I relapsed it would let him down.
@@foreversweaterweather thankyou for sharing!!! i’ve come to that realisation of “if i don’t stop now, i’ll never heal” in my own life. it’s so hard but yeah my struggle is restrictive eating/undiagnosed anorexia. well done for how far you’ve come, it must be a relief thinking about those moments, to know you got YOURSELF out of that! it’s amazing and truly incredible x
Bravo
Best tool my therapist taught me was visualising a safe place in my mind and taking my younger self there and explaining I have to go do adult things now and I'll be back to pick you up. It helps me calm down to do a social task.
Another one was looking at a photo of myself as a child and smile at him and telling him I love him and all the things I needed to hear at that age. Doing that every day was helpful over time.
thankyou for sharing this!!! 🙏🏼
Thank you. I felt that, like a little bit of relief when I pictured myself explaining to 4 yr old me when I have to physically leave my house. I've been struggling with agoraphobia, something completely new and surprising. I finally realized it was literally the terror of a 4 yr old, bc tiny children aren't equipped for adult life, no wonder she's terrified. I've been looking for and trying ways to reassure her adult me is up to the task of protecting us, ways to calm and comfort. This feels like something I should try. Appreciate you sharing!
Thank you for sharing this!
This brought me to tears. I've reached out to a therapist and when I get some quiet time at home I will try this practice. Thank you for sharing.
I immediately thought I'll do this, I'll put her in "the closet" and then caught my breath bc bad things are in the closet and she can't deal with them, that's WHY they're in the closet. And now my chest is about to explode
00:52 Overraction (2:42 Inner Child Workshop)
02:56 Attachment Issues
04:12 Difficulty in Relationships
07:52 Addiction
09:34 Unprocessed Abuse
11:18 Self-Injury
12:14 Eating Disorders
13:13 How to Heal Inner-Child Wounds
Thank you Allyson :)
Thanks!
Allyson... All heroes don't wear capes, but you are one ! Thanks for this bullet point summary ❤💯🙌
I've recently started reading my childhood journal, and it has brought up A LOT of emotional things for me. I'm so grateful to my 8-year-old self for writing the things that I did. It allowed me to look back at my childhood without my current perspective modifying anything. I have nothing but compassion for my childhood self (well, I have sympathy, gratitude and admiration, too). She was so tender and vulnerable, and went through so much.
#3 hit me like a brick wall. I often tell my fiancé “I don’t deserve you” when he’s super thoughtful or caring (which I was/am not used to) and I didn’t realize until this video how much I *really believed that* or that thinking that way was flawed ☹️ whoa
Yes it’s acceptance - and the sooner we get past ‘I don’t deserve / I’m such a loser’ type thinking - stuff casually said which drags us down - the better.
I have extreme fear of abandonment along with low self esteem. I just feel people leave me because they cant stand me. I have talk with my therapist about this. She asked me how i would cope with her having 4 weeks summer break. I told her i would be fine. I was anxious but i knew i would talk to her after those four weeks, we had set up three appointments and that was comforting to know. Then before our first appointment after summer she told me she had to cancel all her sessions due to illnes. I spiraled so bad. Cried for two days straight. And one week after, i am still sad. I really miss talking to her, i have seen some therapist over The years but she is The first i have opened up to and told my deepest secrets that makes me so ashamed. At The same time i feel an attatchment to her. I dont know anything about her outside therapy, but she has been my steady point since december and she has helped me cope and keep my head abow water. I fear she is seriously ill and i worry about her, because i do care about her in some way. Not knowing if or when i will Get to talk to her again is so hard. I hate this feeling of not knowing. I was going to tell her about my attatchment to her and how i have had many female figures during The years who i have felt a strong attatchment to. I feel emberasst for it, but i wanted to sort it out with her. I’m so sad, she has been a great help for me, and i am so thankful.
I understand your feeling. I have three therapists, we talk through internet. I worried lost therapy, so I found three for myself.
Maybe this helps: don’t be ashamed of what you’ve shared or your feelings of dependence… view these experiences as honest steps towards learning your own strong acceptance & independence.
You’re not alone and nothing you’ve therapeutically shared (or weakness you have felt) makes you any less than the rest of us. It makes you committed to completing an inner goal… regardless who walks the path beside you.
Wow, this really speaks to me...I remember stuffing my emotions down when I was a kid because I never felt like I was ok to express my emotions. I'm still working on healing from my childhood...I sometimes overreact, especially when I get overstimulated (I deal with sensory issues like loud noises, crowds, etc) and it can cause me to overreact or lash out...or sometimes I see things that aren't there...or old insecurities come out like people pleasing even though I'm in a better place now...I'm still working on healing...and this video was a reality check that reminded me I have some more work to do.
Yes, i resonate, the lights, so many voices from work, & the over overstimulation ...
Same.
Well shit. I don't often immediately rewatch a video unless it's a song I really like, but I think I need to watch this a couple more times
What's bad is when you're in your 40s and the inner child is STILL being wounded regularly and you have resources or ways to get help to deal with it and are stuck in the situation.
Im right there with you. I'm 45
This is really bad. And I can relate.. I'm sorry and I hope that you'll be able to get free soon!
I prefer the “emotional bank account” analogy. When you have plenty of money in your account, small debits don’t have much impact because your high balance gives you a nice safety buffer. If you have a low balance, a small debit could easily bring you below 0. If you have a negative balance, every tiny debit is compounded with overdraft fees.
It’s easy to let the little things slide when your world is big and life is full of good things but when your world is small and full of troubles, any new thing adding to your emotional load feels like death by a thousand cuts.
Started therapy for C-PTSD recently. I was asked to bring some photos of when I was a little boy to a session. Guess the purpose of that was to start connecting with my inner child. My therapist would look at the pictures with me and ask me if I can see how little I really was.
That's a very important starting point, the world needs more therapists like yours who understand childhood wounding
That's why child abusers/molesters/neglecters need locking up & throwing away the key.That they could knowingly damage a defenceless & fragile child is despicable.
Such a sweet way to heal your childhood wound.
I’ve been asked the same and I can understand why and why it will help now
I have CPTSD too! I have a picture of me and my abuser when I was a toddler and I'd sit and just talk to my inner child and tell myself how sorry I am that my childhood was so horrible. It's helped me so much to feel more compassion for myself instead of judgement
You making and publishing this video at this exact time given what is going on in my life seems almost serendipitous. Everything in this video has clicked with me, and now I have a much better idea of the path I need to grow and heal - and inner child work will be a huge part of it. Thank you so much! I'll definitely be signing up for the workshop!
I'm glad you found the video helpful. Looking forward to seeing everyone at the workshop :)
Kati. I have said it before and I'll say it again. You're beyond amazing. 😍 I struggle to attach, therefore this really resonates. The tips you give are super helpful. Thank you.
Aww I am so glad I could be helpful!! xoxo
Hi Kati! I am in a difficult situation with my elderly parents and today I found myself bursting into tears instead of using words and being assertive. I couldn’t understand the reason. Even as a grown up, there are things that still hold me back from a having a healthy relationship with them. As I watched this, I realized what path I need to start to follow in order to heal and be better. For my parents but mostly for me
My mother would threaten to run away all the time. If I tried to tell her something, she'd sigh heavily and ask if this was going to be a long story. I never felt safe growing up.
I will play this video at my next therapy session appointment so my therapist knows who I am this is so accurate!!!
xoxo
I’ve been doing this all a long time, but I still struggle with making and keeping friends. Its hard for me to know how much to reveal how soon, my usual is to say nothing which just makes me really closed off in general. Its so hard when you were never given any examples of how to relate to people effectively and also I didn’t live a “normal” life so I often dont relate to ppl my age. Kinda sucks.
I can empathise - my adoptive family were pretty insular, and while I did make some friends it was difficult and still is, as an adult, even after a few years of therapy. I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, though, but it's still confusing and scary at times!
My main problem is not feeling like I know what to say and then I just stay quiet, stew and get anxious instead.
Why am I getting emotional watching this?
What about abuse from peers? In middle school and high school the mean girls syndrome and being bullied by peers for years can wreak havoc with our self image, wondering what is wrong with us or our family if they are immigrants who barely speak English or speak English with an accent? Watching parents being disrespected and bullied by other adults can be terrifying for children.
I love how you said “withholding” something is a form of abuse, too. This is a great clip for us to reflect what kind of wounds we have and should work on❤
Wow. You really hit every nail squarely in the head. I see some of these signs in my whole family and myself. The effects are so long lasting and don't just go away as time goes by. It's helpful just hearing you SAY outloud, the signs AND the causes that mark our development from childhood forward. Thank you!
You are very welcome :) So happy I could help. xoxo
Your upcoming workshop is very reasonably priced but still sadly beyond my means at this time. So grateful that it will be on file as my situation may change. Makes me TRULY appreciate all the free videos you bless us with. Like this video today. Was in tears at the end when I realized how many of them applied to me but also hopeful as you gave a solution for each. Thank you Kati, for all your compassion and generosity. The world needs more people like you!!!!!❤❤❤❤
So much of what you said, rings true. My over attachment issues and Fawn. You’re are such an amazing person.
I am so glad the video was helpful. xoxo
Can EMDR therapy help with healing inner child wounds!
This was so depressing to watch. Described all of my life problems because of a terrible childhood
I was a heroin addict for 5 years back in Iran. I left my country to feel at peace. Get away from toxic parents and environment. I started studying clinical psychology to heal myself and to understand people around me better. Things have changed for me in a better way but I still am suffering from PTSD. I have flashbacks to my childhood. To my addiction, to my parents neglect. This wound is so deep ... I lost the connection between my brain and my body. Today I wanted to remove my spine and move like a worm (we were actually worms with no brain ! ) because You know Trauma keeps the score... It all landed on my shoulders and neck. I can't sit straight feels like I want to hold and keep my pain in between my arms ... Kati, in this world of chaos I realized that I don't need to search. I need to build. Love is helping me a lot. Having a partner who hears you, and understands you without judging you is healing because not everyone understands. Not everyone will open their arms to you when they hear what happened to you in the past.
😢 I'm so sorry for you. I too turned to drugs to numb the pain . I truly hope you are doing well now. Please be kind to yourself. 💜
Beautify your inner dialogue. Beautify your inner world with love light and compassion. Life will be beautiful.
Amit Ray,
So very glad I stumbled upon your youtube channel. The way you explain things in clear, nonjudgemental ways has really helped me to think about some things lately. You're doing a public service. Thank you.
Kati, I disagree about "thinking we DESERVE" to be treated poorly in relationships. That happens, but I believe it's more about the "bad" being our normal so the initial red flags are not as evident and it's familiar and comfortable even if we don't want it.
As someone who feels both ways in relationships, I think she was 100% correct. I definitely think I deserve to be treated badly.
I think this is related to how sometimes Negative Self-Talk that a lot of us can struggle with, be impacted by - even without being aware of just how deep rooted or how often that negative Self-Talk affects us consciously + unconsciously.. and whilst a lot can be influenced by how poorly other people treat each other.. only we can claim ownership over our lives and practice + build skills to challenge that negative Self-Talk + reshape it into lessons we can learn and grow from + build our Resillience as we choose to be /become more Self-aware..
Most people check out to escape their reality , but we won’t find what we’re looking for there , it’s only when we check in that we do .
Her "Welcome" is so fking cute❤❤❤
I honestly don't see anything in the human world that confirms the idea I deserve to be loved. If you don't have money then you live under a bridge. I think people with good enough or better parents can gain the impression they deserve to be loved from their parents and then that basically blocks out how the world is and it is partially true as their parents will support that notion, even if that's just one or two people doing that in society. Is it a wound or just accepting reality without blinking?
This video is really touching and I feel so helpful in this video. And finally found the reason that why I still suffering with something in the past. Neglect is the main causing me to still have same issues right now as 21. And also learn about “ inner child” and “child abuse” and it can happen for a long time without knowing and it can be worse if we don’t notice and speak up. And you say “ emotional abuse doesn’t leaves a mark that people can see” I can’t be more agree with that. Because that is how I feel but I don’t have any of words to express that feelings, and everyone just acting let you’re freak or too sensitive. It sucks. You also explained what cause self injury so well. And include the reason why people doing that. In my case, I do self injury for quite a long time of my life, maybe at least 10 years. I would self injury when I feel so numb and I got to feel something to get myself back in. Or I feel I’m not good enough and the fault is my own and I do it as a punishment. Sometimes I do it to transfer the pain I feel emotionally to physically that I can control. I had a time of explaining this to somebody else but that can’t understand why or even not understand the words I said. That is not making any sense to them. But this video it explain it so well as a therapist who is professional.
Well done, thanks again.
And by the way, I suffer from CPTSD as well, and I finally got myself into medication and therapy. But my problem might be too big cause I’m not only suffer from cptsd but also MDD, Anxiety, DID, Dissociation Amnesia. So wish me luck :)
I remember my mom always saying I was such a good baby. I realize now they thought I had adjusted well to the adoption. What they didn't register was that I didn't cry or cause any bother BECAUSE I'd already given up. Switching so many homes until I was officially adopted when I was 1 1/2... i wasn't able to attach to anybody. Crying was useless because my needs were not met. Sometimes...most of the time I hate them for being so stupid and not noticing.
Love these definitions of reaction versus response. Every healing process requires energy, patience and time. Yet the modern world that now knows so much about trauma does not give enough resources to help the really traumatized. Eg. a person from a healthy functional family who goes through a trauma might get support of various kinds (financial, food, cooking, cleaning, stay at their place, etc.) BUT a person from a dysfunctional family of orgin (parents never worked out their trauma, are toxic, etc. ) has less to lean on... so not working full time can be a problem.... Even in Europe, where there is generally accessible healthcare for all, society still has in many respects not figured out the details of facilitating how to allow the injured to seek help without sigmatizing them with a psychiatric diagnosis and for being lazy and not working full time. Most jobs are from 8 to 16 (4pm), but therapists also work from 8-16. Big companies are not expected to have emotion processing rooms for people who get triggered by eg. a toxic client or toxic coworker. No, people are expected to work and stuff their negative emotions till they get home. Even in Europe. Stuffing emotions is a basic survial strategy.... it keeps us functioning in other more important realms...... the Maslow Pyramid of needs and motivation shows us why..... Processing complex emotions and situations requires energy and time, yet in modern life in the western world we many times do not have that time. Social norm many times says that getting manicure is self care.... but real self care actually meets basic needs for the different parts of our bodies and soul: quality sleep, quality food, hygiene, time to rest outside of sleep, etc. .... AND processing life is a basic need.
hai idk who will see this and this isnt related to what ur talking abt but i just wanted to talk abt something so i think i have bpd (and alot more other stuff) and i dont really know what to do and i cant get therapy bc of my mom but i just wanna ask with the proper search and knowlegdment(i hope i spelt that right) and with the tips that i see, is it okay to self dignose myself???
omg I feel like this all the time , it's like I'm often just a few seconds from Bursting into tears. I know I desperately need therapy regarding childhood sexual abuse but it is absolutely terrifying to even think about digging all that crap up . can I ask you if its quite common for people who think they have dealt with crap years ago because they hardly ever think about it and then get 30 years down the line and suddenly become overwhelmed with it all ? I thought I was fine until I got to about 45 years old and my head randomly fell off about it all ?!!
had to add to that , when you got to addiction. I fought all my life that I was using because I enjoyed crack cocaine and heroin and its only lately I've come to realise that sexual abuse has to have a huge effect on us and affect our subsequent behaviours! and I'm half way through this video and realise you are completely answering my questions!
Wow, from your last two videos I realized how much I actually need inner child work. Thank you for these videos!
You're so welcome Christoph!! xoxo
At 65 and over a year into therapy for c ptsd with no progress, I feel I'd be doing my therapist and the planet a great favor by just disappearing. Can not live with this pain another moment.
Steven Sawyer ~ I understand that you're feeling like things aren't getting better, but you are a beautiful, valuable and worthy person who is willing to do the work to help yourself out of the pain. Please don't give up! God bless you!
God loves you! He put you on this planet for a reason. I am sorry you are feeling this way. My heart goes out to you….
Steven, at 68 I am struggle everyday. I have 11 (eleven) plus years in individual, group, and self-help therapy. I hear your struggle in this post. My struggle is within me. It is my anger, rage, why did it all happen, why is it still as painful as if it is NOW not then. This past year I have made a commitment to ME. I will, in the present, I will have PEACE. It has taken a full year to finally "click, get it". I have to give up the ANGER, the RAGE...I have every right to both, they do not bring me Peace. Before I die of natural cause, I will have Peace because I have a clear mission!... No one gets to say what any of our missions are, YOU will know as you process. We are given tools in therapy, no one has our answer necessary to heal...Wishing you insight as you journey.
I hope you're ok Steven. I pray life has gotten better for you and I really hope you are still here with us. 💜
important topic, thanks
Glad you think so! :)
When you do the inner work, alot changes, you do not put up with people disrespecting you. You have more self respect and walk away from people and situations that hurt you. You cannot undo things you have learned, you go back to your past and try and put the puzzle together and you loose people because you have changed so much. The version that was you in the past is no longer there, the people pleaser and most do not like this, it is a shock for some. In the end i have found that i can spot people who just want to use me a mile off now and i can assess situations quicker and this gives me time to exit or stay until i can do so safely. Never tell someone your plans , it could save your life in some situations.
My inner child faced emotional turbulence from childhood,so it's passed away now🙂
I feel like I’m gonna need to watch these videos over and over. It’s almost too much information to process at once. I am coming to this as an older person and even though I have done a lot of inner work, I can see I still need a lot more. Yes I am a recovering perfectionist. I am thinking the inner child workshop would be super good for me. Super tired of my own inner talk telling me not to have a hair out of place… thanks so much for these videos. Cannot explain in entirety how much they help. And yes, I am in therapy too and have been for years. I read a lot too. Body Keeps the Score, and books by Pia Mellody on intimacy. But it goes to show you it’s a lifelong journey, this quest for wholeness. Blessings to all the people brave enough to undertake the work!! ❤
Hi from SA. Your message resonated with me. I shared this with 3 friends. Its been a year now that I can't cry, laugh or be happy. I feel so isolated and misunderstood.
Thank you so much! I am crying here noticing, how many of these I have.😓
I suffer from CPTSD the first point is deffinitely something I am really struggling with right now. These all reasonated with me deeply though
Oh, Kati, this makes so much sense! I really relate x
This is an excellent summary of common and often very tough symptoms many of us experience with some really useful skills we can try. Thank you so much for sharing your work! Your warm heart really shines through these videos and it's a beautiful way to start the day!
I am so glad you found the video helpful!! xoxox
I HAVE EMOTIONAL WOUNDS FROM MY CHILDHOOD. I HAVE A LEARNING DISABILITY, BEING IN SPECIAL ED IN SCHOOL AND BEING ON TWO DIFFERENT THERAPY PROGRAMS.
Me, too😢
I hit just about every note in this video. Thank you for helping ne through this.
If you work with these feelings I think that you're not trying to put the blame on someone (care-givers) is important. Blaming does not help, it is giving up on self-responsibility and self-respect. As you said, Kati, the past is past, no chance of altering it. Acknowledging the hurt and trying to find out why it might have happened, is a way for me not to get taken over those feelings. Of course, I struggle, with the signs #2, #3, and #4.
BUT: this is not an excuse for physical abuse, actually any kind of abuse!!!
Inner child work is hard for me because I didn't and don't like children. When I was about 14, I asked my mom how much and adult weighs. She answered: "About 70kg." I tried to get there. Because I wanted recognition as a person. It didn't work, but nonetheless my parents were pleased with my eating. When they were young, there wasn't always sufficient food on the table, of which the men were fed first, the women and children with the remainder. Thus, eating meant my parents were able to provide, and that I was healthy, not sickly.
I wasn't overweight then, but at around eighteen I ballooned, and have been overweight ever since (45 years). I know why, YT just isn't the place to discuss it.
My way of treating my inner child is with food: once a month I make fish fingers and fries with mayonnaise.
This was really well done. I have a LCSW, but currently not practicing, so I logically know these things, but when it comes to my own mental health it's like the knowledge just escapes me. It's great to be reminded to take care of my inner child and get back to work I was doing on it in the past.
I am so glad it was helpful.. as clinicians it can be hard to apply things we logically know to our own life. xoxo
Thank You for being Awesome!
A bit daunting to realize I'm exhibiting all the signs
I realize now that I have lots of inner child work to do. I hit every mark on your list, except for the unprocessed abuse. I can't remember any physical abuse at all, though there was a lot of emotional abuse that I am finally accepting as reality rather than me just needing to 'toughen up' or being too sensitive. Thank you for this Kati, and all your videos. I'm new to your channel and will be following.
Katie,
I have been having problems celebrating my birthday the last five years. I just don’t want to do anything and feel like I can’t allow myself to be happy. It’s weird … I just want to hide out in bed and be alone. Especially stay away from my narcissistic family who causes me anxiety. Suggestions?
I suffer from a lot of guilt with my neglect of my two children. Things I did that were not acceptable while raising children. I always worked but I did not participate in a lot of activities with them or spend quality time with them physically or mentally. Put them first ahead of other people. My emotional being was suffering at that time in my life. Not that was as excuse but may be why I reacted to disappointing relationships by acting inacceptable ways.
I noticed that there can be both at the same time oversharing one minute and being very closed off the next I think that I do that a lot.
I am a new listener to your channel. And it is funny how I have become more open to looking into the ‘why’ of my behavior patterns.
It is said in Al-Anon that ‘you find it when you are ready to find it’. In this case I truly believe that is true. Before I came to Al-Anon I could not have even considered looking at my behavior in anyway and seeing it as dysfunctional at all. But Al-Anon held a mirror up to me and I started to SEE myself and forgive myself, as I only knew how to handle what I had the tools to handle. I found peace.
But with the peace that surrounded the way I interacted with other people and helped me adjust the way I communicated, I still had anxiety. I had been seeing a therapist for several years, but sadly she died due to COVID December 2021. In addition, I had to send my kitty of twelve-years to the other side in December; and am only now re-emerging. (Well the pandemic isolation hasn’t helped)
And now your video popped into my stream on RUclips. I do definitely believe that I could benefit from inner child work; I believe my mother was emotionally unavailable. Thanks to Al-Anon I have been able to forgive my mother internally and let go of the anger I carried. But now I see I still have yet to connect with myself.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts online with us. I know you have struggles too; but it is so much easier to help others. At sixty, almost sixty one I am finally on the path to serenity ☺️
I recall being told if I cry or got caught crying that if I wanted something to cry about then she’d give be me something to cry about unless your bleeding or have visible injuries you are not allowed to cry or you’ll be beaten
WOW ... Bingo !!! Question: Is it dangerous to do inner child work if you had the childhood from hell, and are struggling with a lot of somewhat severe unprocessed trauma?
From my personal experience, yes. It can be destabilizing to do inner child work because it brings up difficult memories, and if don’t have the right, personalized support, the fall out can be a gateway to maladaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the pain of the difficult memories (for me this was dissociation, binging, suicidal rumination). This is especially true if you have someone in your life who is not supportive, is dismissive, or retraumatizes your inner child wounds; in these cases, multiply the destabilizing effect of inner child work by a factor of x. This work is very hard, and you need support. I had a LOT of support from therapists and doctors, and I still had to take medical leave for depression because healing my inner child wounds was so destabilizing, and I couldn’t go to work everyday while also doing inner child work. My strongest recommendation is put yourself in EMDR treatment with a therapist who knows how to support CPTSD. Processing the trauma with EMDR is fast (compared to talk therapy) and will go a long way to help you process and heal the inner child pain. In fact, I wish I had done EMDR first, instead I did five years of talk therapy which was helpful but it was too cerebral and resulted in rumination and anxiety which takes a tremendous amount of effort and discipline to manage. Whereas, after 7 weeks of weekly EMDR sessions, I noticed marked improvement in my day to day thoughts and my ability to come back to center when a memory came up. Then at 12 weeks, I started making life changes and was interacting with people differently, from a calmer and healthier place. I’m at 20 weeks now, and I am feeling more like myself, more stable and stronger than I have in at least a decade. Hope this is helpful to you and anyone else who knows they need help and are ready to start this work but aren’t sure how to go about it.
Dear Katie, thank you for this video, it is eye opening. I wanted to ask, do you think that having suicide in the back of one's mind, is a kind of "fall back" response to feeling out of control and maybe having an underlying fear of experiencing emotional pain? This is my default position when I experience overwhelming and painful things. I am sometimes frustrated with myself when this happens and I feel this way because when I look at my present, current life, there is no reason for me to feel this way.
My mother was emotionally unavailable, and didn't give affection, didn't say I love you. When I tried to hug her she'd push me off and tell me to go away. When I told her I loved her she wouldn't respond. I was the family scapegoat. The black sheep. When I was in my 20's I mentioned to my grandma in tears, that I didn't understand why my mom treated me differently than my older sister. She said she never understood it either and tried telling my dad when I was a kid. But my grandma was literally the most loving, affectionate woman ever. It wasn't forced, she genuinely loved me unconditionally. I remember in my later teens and early 20's I developed friendships with older women, it's like I literally sought them out. I don't do that anymore and I feel like I've healed a bit because I confronted my mom in my late 20's, and she was remorseful, cried and apologized and tried giving me a hug but I told her I didn't need it anymore it was too awkward. She still doesn't say I love you, she doesn't hug...she was abused as a kid, her mama was abused by her husband (my mom's dad), he was an alcoholic and addicted to gambling, they were poor and my mom was neglected on every level. Her dad finally got sober once her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, she passed away from it and she was 54 at that point. I was 3 when her mom died and she still cries about losing her mom. So in a way I think my mom did her best as a parent, she always made sure we had everything we needed and wanted. We never went hungry or without a home like she did. I have compassion and empathy for her, and I've forgiven her but still wish I could've had affection and love. I would like to try and heal my inner child so I can be the best mom possible. I tell my kids I love them daily, multiple times a day, but struggle with affection and I'm hoping I can somehow develop that with them. I do give them some affection but in my opinion it's not enough. I just don't think about it, if they come and hug me I hug them back, and kiss their heads, or my daughter on the lips or cheeks. If they sleep with me (which is mostly every night) we cuddle. Anyway! I wish I could be the perfect mom, so I don't cause any trauma for them.
Also, omg I’ve never actually known it was a problem to expect love to be earned. Like, I have heard people say ‘I don’t need to do anything to deserve (something from a loved one, or some luxury). I deserve it because I’m me.’ I thought this was an extreme privilege and a lack of awareness about it.
Hey Kati, I was looking to get my Master's in Clinical Psychology. My state requires 60 credits or 90 half credits from a CACREP-accredited program. I actually came across a few online programs that have in-person practicums. I was wondering what your thoughts were on that? I've been hearing that employers dismiss those who have online degrees.
Thank you for being on RUclips. Your videos really give me things to think about.
Although inner child work may sound ridiculous at first, the reality of it is actually much darker in many cases. Someone's inner child can be wounded for any number of reasons so when an adult goes back to think about their inner child, it might be shocking to find out that they have wounds they don't remember ever developing.
This was the case for me when I first learned about my abandonment issues. I went through most of my life so far not knowing they were there so they must have developed at a very young age but were stuffed down. I probably didn't have the words to say I felt that way at the time and my memory faded as I grew up. The older I became, the less in-touch I was with the wounds that caused my abandonment issues to develop.
I don't blame anyone for my abandonment issues, but the fact they're there still means I need to work through them.
Finding this video made me realize how much I needed to look back, analyze and understand why the past has such a presence today. Thank you for such an insightful message
This is amazing. Thank you Kati!
Thanks for putting this video out
You are so welcome! I hope it's helpful. xoxo
hey thanks for the video, its really good. I have a question, is it abuse if my dad would spank me for idk fighting with my sibling and then when i had mental breakdown and cried he counted to 3 and if i didnt stop he spanked me more, to have a reason to cry(which obviously doesnt make sense, cause i was crying because he already spanked me and also because i was like 4-7) or is that normal?
So how do I know the difference between controlling myself and stuffing things down? I used to be a chronic bottler. So I don’t want to go back to that. Well Jesus…I have 5-6 of these…that’s terrible!!! God help me…
Hi Katie! Thank you for such a helpful video. I do have a question. I have always struggled with attachment issues like you mentioned. But if over sharing is too much, and under sharing is too little, then do you have any tips for finding that middle ground? I do not easily open up to people, and accidentally oversharing is one of the fears I have that keeps my distanced.
Wow!! This sounds all to familiar and It’s a hard pill to swallow though 😣
I just recently decided to ask for therapy from my doctor
I really clicked with all of these issues so far but especially the one's with abusive relationships and the feeling of not deserving the love, care and attention that is needed. especially with the feeling of mistrust in those that do show that towards me
I know this was posted quite a while ago - but I was able to find it at the exact right time for myself personally.
My healing journey began a long time ago, but I don't think I would have ready to hear my own inner child at that point in my life. I now have the great benefit of years of therapy and learning healthy coping skills under my belt along with a fabulous base of support, which makes this a particularly good time to approach/connect with/comfort and care for my own inner child. I want to Thank you for posting the content that you do and the genuine and relaxed way that you create it.
You are one of those 'shining lights' in an often dark world.
❤️🩹🌎❤️💫
8:16 Whoever invented tough "love" was screwed up, themselves, and imo just searching for an excuse to take their pain out on others designated with the labeling to justify the transfer of abuse, IN THE NAME ONLY of "love." I may not have received much love in this life, but I know enough to know it isn't ever supposed to hurt or harm.
thank you so much, just discovered you and you are teaching me so much and subsequently making me feel so much better about myself and my life
I was binge watching ur older videos and it’s crazy to see how much your channels grown but also how much you have grown as a person! In your older videos you had more energy as u do when you have a newer channel but years on your so use to it and you are so calm I love you both ways hope you are well :)
Kati, can you help me please?
I have CPTSD, healing through emdr, but when I think of my inner child I want to hurt them. How can I resolve this? It makes me very uncomfortable. Thank you in advance
I'm broken. Perfectionism, ruminating a negative outcome from any setback, retreated from the world in my appt., alone with my kitties. My mom destroyed my life and set me up for a pattern of bad decisions thru life. I must say it is so nice to hear your voice and see your face.
❤
If the Auto Industry asked you to
Hooonkkk outside your neighbor's house every night and day over and over again would you? Then Please 🙏 lock your vehicle with light flash Only no Honk
One click of the fob not two.
One click not two.
Light flash confirms that car IS locked and armed. Honk is not needed.
I cant do mine but I cant do yours.
The Auto Industry needs to turn down the volume. W A Y down. They dont seem to care about our communities and health.
Thank you.
Too many videos on this subject have people talking like mr Rogers and being way too mushy for my inner child. I was a 90s tomboy who hid in coat racks to scare the sales associate. I get super uncomfortable with anything that feels performatively soft and gentle. I’m not a big ‘wear your emotions on your sleeve person.’ I know it doesn’t make me better or worse than anyone else. I’m not saying the approach has no value for other people. I would probably be the ‘I don’t attach very easily’ type of trauma survivor. But the world of mental health education and support seems geared towards the people who have a much quicker, more loudly sensitive, and vulnerable attachment issue. It’s frustrating because not everyone will ever be the hug strangers, be outwardly sensitive and soft, and make friends with everyone type of people, and we need a much more clinical and professional approach.
I whole heartely believe my wife's mental issues and relationships issues definitely stems from this I have no doubt unfortunately at 45 years old she is finally getting professional help.. One question I have could the feel-good feeling of getting attention can that be considered an addiction or is that still called a emotional supply..
I only very sometimes but never have this problem. Attachment issues was biggest problem growing up in my childhood years.
All of this makes perfect sense and I fit all of those criteria except addiction and eating disorder. Good video.
me too!
I was treated the best I ever have, kind, affectionate, so caring. Turns out while I was at work he would go to happy endings massage parlors a couple times a month! 😳 found out year 6
I don’t understand the message of we all deserve love. We all desire love. But deserve? Isn’t the current understanding that we aren’t entitled to anything?
And I agree no one is entitled or deserves to be in a relationship. But then turn that around and say we all deserve love? It’s just confusing. Especially since love, if you want it to be real, has to be freely given. So.. it can’t be coerced or something you’re entitled to.
I also don’t think we DON’T deserve love. We should love ourselves without falling into narcissistic behavior.
But I don’t think anyone deserves love. Unless you’re like talking about rasing children.
Okay yea wow, I think I should get my BPD ass back into talk therapy and talk to little Jess and help heal coz I'm ticking all boxes right about now 😅
These videos really show off your kind heart, and they're a lovely way to start the day. Thank you so much!
..you just hit the point. How the hell can I fill the VOID in me (in the anxious attachment style )??? Please tell me. This void I cant control it or fill it
oh yeah, that hit the spot. My thing is that if someone hurts me I get rid of them! I treat myself good, but my memories still haunt me. Thank you Kati
I think the only problem is security and love which we didn't feel when we were baby and child. Behaviours aren't problems those are symptoms. So we have to learn security and love as a baby, in my opinion.
7:03 When we don’t believe to be treated well & someone good comes along we can think “wait I don’t trust this, this weird” Then we sabotage the relationship because we’re used to being treated poorly.
Just wondering what would depression /pre-early signs that could lead to depression later on look like in children ?
I look over at my bulletin board. There is a photo of a 3 year old child. The child has bruised eyes. I was told it was the result of allergies. Allergies do not bruise eyebrows or across the nose. His birth certificate says male, yet he is wearing a dress and holding a large doll. He is a she, being intersex. I took the photo to a therapist 40 years ago, and there was no concern. Was it that hard to believe the girl in the photos was the boy at the therapist. I would get slapped at the slightest disapproval from my mother. I moved out once, but mother insisted I move back home. Would you believe the person who put dresses on me as a child, slapped my face for wearing female clothes as an adult.
Eating junk food when I’m really stressed is my way of forgetting about the negative situation thought but then a few hrs later I feel like s*** I also peel my lips sometimes I don’t realise I am doing it I feel guilty for it after. Can you please make a video on lip picking. I heard it was a form of self harm.
Watching your video, (bits and pieces if I'm being honest) I've concluded I'm likely suffering from "an Inner Child Wound".
So what are the next steps?
thanks a lot Kati, for all your work...it´s amazing how you can discuss about very deep and complexes problems in a very understandable and pratical way....you are certanly changing lots of lives!
You're so welcome! And THANK YOU for the kind words.
Any advice for dealing with intrusive thoughts about animal torture, existential panic that are debilitating? Can inner child work help with this?
This video confused me. Perhaps it does not apply to me. It is just not clear to me. All other of Katie's videos are extremely clear.