What about youngest child? Learn more about youngest child syndrome here: 5 Signs You Have Youngest Child Syndrome ruclips.net/video/phIKn7-w_v4/видео.html
What about the true middle child? I have three older siblings and three younger siblings. I always describe my childhood as “what the oldest children wouldn’t do, and the youngest ones couldn’t do, it fell to me. I was never too old and never too young at the same time.”
The youngest child syndrome is not really felt until the whole family gets old and need help that the only one is able to really help is the youngest …I’m the oldest but now have watched our baby sister taking on the job of caring for our elderly parents. My health has just dropped …I married a baby person and he needed lots of care so for years his health was bad…now can’t walk or leave my room..guess what no is here to help me.
As the eldest daughter, I never truly felt like a child…I felt like an adult in a child’s body. I was always told I was so mature for my age but what people didn’t realize is that wasn’t necessarily by choice.
Me too! My little brothers had childhoods I had responsibilities. Narcissistic mother dominated me every moment, enabler father complained about the poor quality of my attitude, constantly reminding me to be grateful they adopted me and be a happy little slave for them all. Parents passed. Now I'm expected to care for the brother who bullied and betrayed me for over 65 years. I am so very tired. Sometimes it feels so hopeless I wish I could just die 💔😣😭
I'm 68, as a child my mum dumped all her bitterness about my dad on me, now I avoid men like the plague. No husband, no boyfriends. I know men aren't all incredibly selfish like my dad but conditioning is deep...? Thanks mum. Looking after my mentally ill sister ....three brothers but it's my job....surprise, surprise!!
I am the eldest daughter. One thing I would add to the adult relationships section is the fear of even seeking out a romantic relationship because of the overwhelming fear of being stuck in another caregiver role.
Right. I don't ever want to marry or have children I was hoping to be able to foster teenagers to give them a better life Sadly this never became possible due to disability and terminal illness
I’ve been divorced for 12 years and kids are finally out. I don’t want to date a similarly aged man in his 60s because I know it would be only for my caretaker role
I was very unhappily married for seven years. I’m also fearful of any romantic relationship because of not only the caregiver role, but also how much stress and responsibility I feel when others are unhappy or angry. I lost myself and guilt.
This is a valid concern for an eldest daughter. I ended up getting married very young at 19 and feeling like I was perfectly capable of "fixing" my now ex-husband. He was damaged by his family physically, sexually, emotionally. He just needed someone to love him, right? He just needed someone to take care of him better than his family did, right? 12 years and three kids later and I had to tap out. Turns out that I wasn't right for the job. It's hard to fix someone who actively sabotages their own wellbeing and cannot possibly concern themselves about yours or the children's needs. Then of course the aftermath is just finding someone who is the opposite of him. So simple, right? My standards were so low though and that's no good either. I never have remarried and luckily the kids are adults now so what I thought was an urgent concern is gone. I have a better handle on what I would want in a potential future husband. Still, the scars remain.
I can so relate to this!!! When I moved away from my family, people were telling me, " it must be hard and lonely," to the contrary, I felt that It was much easier to be on my own. For the first time, I only had to take care of myself and not everyone else.!
As the oldest child/oldest daughter I find myself thriving more when I’m away from my family and I am quick to run from overwhelming situations because I will get depressed easy and I don’t like confrontation!
I'm the youngest of six with only one sister (#3 in birth order). She's always had mental health problems for as far back as I can remember and she is now completely estranged from me and my siblings (our parents are deceased.) I never really thought about how difficult it might have been for her to take care of me when she was 8 and I was a newborn. My mother seems to have just "assigned" me to her care, and I used to wake her up all hours of the night to get me water or calm me down if I heard scary noises. She never complained.
I get peace by imagining myself in some disaster scenario. It gives the stress a 'reason' and eventually I can let it go for a 'rescue' and drift off feeling a lot better.
Doc doesn't want to prescribe sleeping pills that work either. So tired of my worn out brain. I always seem to fall back into this little sleep pattern. I'm in a safe place. Kids all are grown. I know I don't even like to sleep but I know I should. I just cannot get back into a regular sleep pattern.
i can relate too..I just couldn't sleep when everybody is sleeping. . Until I can hear somebody else is awake for the day, then that's the time that I could finally sleep.
Eldest child and eldest daughter here. I often heard...you are the oldest, you should be ashamed of yourself! You should know better. (even though I was only 19 months older than my next sibling, my brother..)
I got the same treatment, same position in the family too. Except my brother is 15 months younger than me. So on one hand we were described as “practically twins” but I’m also the eldest and therefore should know better. I’m sorry for the burdens placed upon you as a child.
Or when your sibling made the same (normal) mistakes you did and you got blamed for them. Further, if you told someone you get called a tattle tale, or if you didn't you got blamed for not saying anything. I think we were actually meant to be stand-ins for our parents so they could absolve themselves of any responsibility.
I was only 14 months older than my sister (and less developmentally because I was 10 weeks early and a micropreemie) and hard same. My mother first had me babysit my sister while she was away at 7. When my sister was 7 and I was 8, my parents wouldn't leave her home alone - but when I was 7, they'd have me babysitting her! Any misbehavior or failure on the part of my siblings was my fault. "You're the oldest, you should've helped her with her homework/stopped them/risen above the provocation/known better!" Add to doing twice the chores of any other sibling (plus my siblings' chores for them if they refused because they threw bigger tantrums and my parents didn't want to deal with them and knew they could guilt me into doing more than my share). I could go on. I didn't get to be a kid. Instead I was this bizarre kid-parent, in that whether I was a child (and therefore my opinions, wants, feelings and judgements don't matter) or an adult (and therefore held to adult expectations and responsibilities) depended entirely on my parents' convenience.
I constantly struggle with the question of “are acts of service actually how I naturally show love or did I spend my entire life being expected to perform acts of service to justify my existence and now I just don’t know anything else” because of being made the 3rd parent
This! ^ It took me a while to realize that I do Acts of Service because that’s what mom responds to. When I talked about the book to her and summarized it when she didn’t read it and lost it, I told her mine was words of aspiration. I actually stoked up the courage to ask for little compliments. She said, “I don’t have time for that!” *looks at camera* So I knew I could not stay and I moved away.
My mother would proudly tell me that I’ve been acting like a 30 year old since I was 8 years old. I still don’t understand how she thinks that’s a good thing.
People pleasing: a form of manipulation. Yup 😢 I had to swallow this pill, too. It's a control issue....managing my anxiety. Any loud voice or noise, and conflict makes me incredibly uncomfortable. This is so freaking hard. Healing is worth it, I know, but it's so hard.
Yup, same way and being super responsible for everyone and everything. My husband is the youngest. I did just about everything in the household. I knew no other way to be.
I am the eldest of 5 siblings and the daughter of two emotionally immature parents. People ask why I don’t have kids. I was an adult for my whole childhood. Gotta heal so I didn’t pass on resentment.
I am the same. I am the eldest of three daughters and the daughter of two emotionally immature parents. I have never been able to seek out a romantic partner because I'm terrified of finding myself in that unhealthy position again. I just want to put myself first for a change.
Parents were not just emotionally stunted but manipulative also. The "friend" conversations - from both parents - were set in such a way as to make me feel privileged that _I_ was the one to whom they could confide. It was taken too far when I was told I was my brother's keeper. It felt wrong, especially when he got so many passes when I was penalized. Not sure, but that might have been the seeds of the anger which led to depression of being out of control Thought I wanted a child when I was 18. By the time I hit 25, knew there was no way I wanted to inflict that anger onto a child who couldn't fight back
@@slianyong7550 I agree it’s not good as I know my dad did not want me and I could feel his resentment. It breaks my heart to this day. I know I have self esteem issues from it.🤯
First daughter here. Born from a narcisistic violent manipulative mother and a dad who loves me but was too busy at work. Everything exploded when I learnt to stand up for myself once my brother was born and my parents expected me to clean after him. Left the house at 17, applied to college and only talk to dad now. No kids ever. I'm living all the safety I can provide myself, all that safety and comfort I never had.
As the eldest daughter from an abusive household it made it even worse. I was the one keeping the pieces together and taking care of everyone. Had to be my mum's therapist, caretaker for my brother and baby sister. I also started saving as soon as I started working so they could be ok. I now struggle with Bipolar Disorder, depression and anxiety and don't ever want kids. My therapist says it's because I have been a parent to everyone around me since I was a child. Eldest daughter syndrome is real.
Being my mom's therapist and sometimes feeling like I am her husband instead of my stepfather, is a lot. Everyone else brings their problems to her or to me, but she brings all of her problems to me as well. Work problems, marriage problems, financial woes...you name it. I have always been in the role of problem solver, and I always have to do for her or them whatever she can't do. I can be out of the country, and this does not change anything. It's like I am the only person who can fix whatever it is. The problem is that is usually the case, so what to do...? I can't blame them. I would ask me for help too as I am good at helping. It's just exhausting having to juggle every one's issues. I try to set boundaries, but like I also can't stand to watch things go wrong if I could step in and help or fix it...😒
I know exactly how you feel. Therapists and people say you have to "learn to say no" but it is so difficult when no was never an option growing up. They say that enables their behaviour. I want to say no and I resent them for expecting me to help but still you can't just watch people you care for suffering. I am sorry you have to have everyone's problems burdened on you. People don't realise what a toll it takes.
This was me too. My mom was a single parent and I essentially became the one to rely on, especially once my sibling was born. I was used to basically taking care of myself if my mom was too busy, and suddenly I also had a baby to console and help her with.
My mind has just been blown. I was the oldest by 5 years, with a younger brother and sister. When my mother was hospitalized when I was 11, I was responsible for watching the younger ones and doing the housework. I still managed to make the honor roll. It is wonderful to hear that I am not alone. This is a real syndrome. I heard, "You're the oldest. You should know better," when I'd never been taught. And I knew way more about my parents' private life than I needed to know. Thank you for addressing this.
My parents found out I was sexually harassed by a stranger. Their only reaction was anger that I hadn't told them myself... because: "WHAT IF IT HAD HAPPENED TO YOUR SISTERS!!!!??" ...? It felt like they were more distressed by it hypothetically happening to their 12 year old than it actually happening to their 14 year old.
Baby sit younger children. Be responsible for everything they do. Have zero authority and get yelled at or grounded when they tell on you for "being mean" or "staring too much". Be 12 years old at the time.
I think you've got something there. I'm an eldest daughter, and the manager in one job commented that I was "really good with a**holes", so assigned all those clients to me. Were they grateful, did they give me any positive comments on the feedback forms? Of course not. And the company insisted that we "delight" the customers. Didn't happen.
I think you nailed it. Enlightening. Still now, at 69, I'm unwrapping the threads that entangled me from childhood. Learning more it seems every day that would have been SO HELPFUL to understand better decades ago. 1st born child of an unstable, emotionally unavailable narcissistic mother who was remarkably genius (often cruelly so) and a loving stable genius Dad who unintentionally caused me serious abandonment issues due to his engineering work that frequently kept him long hours and would transfer him to other locations causing us to move 22 times in 20 different states before I was in Junior High School. Having to live without Dad for weeks or months to finish a school year before moving us be with him was brutal. As an overachiever I still could never measure up to my mother's demands while she was more lenient with the younger siblings. As a brunette I began having white hairs at 15. Stress. By age 25 I had to stop pulling them out and colored my hair to hide that my hair was rapidly turning white. I was made to believe that I had to "fix" my mother and appease her freaky fast changing moods. I became a people pleaser, fawned, and accommodated her never ending demands and frightening emotional outbursts and cruel physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Thank God for the strength He gave me to get through it and survive. Amazingly, everyone around remarked what a happy go lucky good natured sweet child I was. Well of course I was, I was thrilled to be OUT of the house away my mother, or at least knowing that she dare not appear anything else but the perfect person in public. 😂 Yip. I could not be a child then. Now I can be... whenever I like. Free and happy, won't allow anyone to steal my joy! God bless all of you who can relate to any of this, too, sisters. Hugs.
Yup. Even in my late 40s my mother called me to tell me I needed to find a lawyer, and phone them to make an appointment for my "little" brother, who was only 40 years old, so obviously couldn't manage to do that himself. Life has improved so much since I ditched my toxic family.
Yep. From a family of eight. 🖐️ Scapegoated child. I liberated myself at 62 last year. Had an epiphany on my last visit looking at photos of growing up.
Omg this sounds so familiar to me. The boys are helpless in my family. I’m the oldest of us 6 (3 girls and then the 3 boys in that order). I was responsible for running the dairy farm all summer with my younger sister when I was 12. I milked the 50 cows while she did the feeding, our dad was working road construction 4 hours away. I was always out in the barn or the fields doing work that was more for a grown man than a super skinny little girl. Our dad was a Vietnam vet and was very volatile and we were so scared of him and to make any mistakes. I feel like I was way overworked compared to normal kids and then mom would go ahead and sign me up to babysit for the neighbors even though I never had a damn minute to myself. I will admit it and say that my mental health has been terrible most of my life with a lot of depression and anxiety and never really feel like I fit in anywhere. I had to quit working as a nurse by age 42 because of my body falling apart from back problems and arthritis. It’s hard to not feel some resentment when I can’t earn my own money anymore at the prime of my life where my wages would be quite high if I were still able to work. My family has no understanding of how I feel and I don’t come around as much as the others do who are still getting help with things that I would never dare to ask for. I feel guilty even writing on here in case someone figures out who I am.
She described my perfectly; I'm crying and my heart is pounding because I just realized I need therapy. I had 2 hard-working stressed parents and 4 younger sibs. Started doing chores at about age 5 and by 16 I did all the laundry, meal planning and grocery shopping, and most household chores. I also had to make sure my sibs were safe, clean, had homework and chores done, and behaved appropriately. I was blamed for all that went wrong. If I complained I was told I didn't care for my family. Pros: I am the most educated (doctorate) and financially successful of my sibs. Cons: I have no children and am still helping my sibs financially. 3 sibs have children.
Something that has stuck with me throughout my entire life (I am now 35) is, whenever I did ANYTHING wrong, no matter what it was or how insignificant...I was always told that I was 'Old enough to know better' - regardless of my age. When my 3 siblings did anything wrong, they never EVER got told that, regardless of their age. It put this pressure on me that has followed me in my life, that when I make mistakes or do something wrong, I should know better
I so relate! People who feel like they should know better often become hyper-vigilant and defensive. I think it's better for us to relax our self-standards in that case. Grace can sometimes accomplish that which dogma cannot.
@@SongsOfRelief Yes, and this often makes me be harder on myself (I don't know whether this is what you meant by "hyper-vigilant and defensive" ... although I don't feel particularly defensive most of the time.)
@ExtraordinaryLiving ah, yes. Agreed. By hyper-vigilant, I mean always on the lookout and worried or anxious. By defensive, I mean on the defense. When you always "should have known better" you're on the lookout for things that might trip you up, always trying to know better in advance. It can make you cynical, jumpy, self- critical.
As the eldest daughter/sibling, I kinda knew about some of these symptoms/issues, but to see them neatly laid out and explained in this video has helped me tremendously. I felt so understood and validated watching this. I'm super grateful.
Over-sharing warning: I'm male and the second sibling, but I actually relate to most of this. Some parts less extreme, some parts more. In my case, I've always been the moderator in my family, especially when my dad made big, life-changing decisions but didn't want to talk to mum about it, he'd tell me instead, and I'd have to break the news. They've always believed in "being honest" with us about our financial situation, so now I feel crushing guilt if anyone spends anything on me, or does anything for me. Even when I went to university, half my time was spent fixing things at home, and the other half was spent caught in the middle of multiple friendship groups. Dad ran away, so once I finished uni, I came back home to support my mum and siblings. I'm 29 years old and barely even know who I am, because my whole life has revolved around supporting other people, and there's mathematically no way I can get out and have a life of my own. Don't treat your kids like adults. They're not. They're your kids, and it's your responsibility to look after them, not the other way round
I'm also the second oldest child and the oldest son of the family. I'm also 29 and struggling with my identity and people pleasing. I can't imagine having to fill the role of my father in his absence. That sounds incredibly heavy and exhausting! My family was and is very religious so much of the patriarchal family burden was put on my shoulders and it turned me into a nervous wreck with anxiety. It really is sad how much pressure our society puts on children to grow up and be mature. Even our schooling is designed to send children directly into labor. I dream of a day when kids can be kids and follow their authentic curiosities and wonder. It's a world we're only starting to build but I'm glad you're here. Good luck and know you're never going it alone.
@dallenpowell2745 That's so rough. My family (from parents down) are all non-religious. I can understand why some people choose to be religious, but it seems to cause so much unnecessary suffering, especially for today's children. Can't believe how many parents choose the rephrasing of a thousand year old book over listening to their kids actual needs
Boy did I relate to this video. I never understood before why I was such a people pleaser and always put myself last. I grew up always trying to achieve so much to prove my worth. My younger brother said I was “ bossy”. I always had trouble saying no to others and felt badly if I did. I grew up in the fifties 2 younger brothers, worked through high school, bought all my own clothes. My Dad was 😢away in the military a lot and being the oldest my Mother took a lot of her frustrations out on me. It has taken me years to learn to make myself count, learn to say no and stop letting myself be used by others. I now have a supportive husband Of 33 years and I can be me. I used to please others at the expense of my own happiness but am finally learning to set boundaries. Thankyou for this topic that makes perfect sense to me and helps me understand myself better. ❤
That was my life. If I said something to my folks because I was overwhelmed and needed to do homework or study, I got lectured, yelled at and hit for complaining, and told I was spoiled for having complained. My mother told me her house was my first priority, and so were her children. I had to parent my siblings and was the one who woke up and took my sister to school. I had to be there for them and couldn't just be a kid. My parents never acknowledged that and made me feel guilty for ever saying anything. Thank you for posting this. I don't feel alone anymore and know that I'm not crazy now for feeling the way I do.
I relate to your comment so much. I spent a lot of childhood feeling overwhelmed & guilty without understanding why. My mom also called me “spoiled.” It’s interesting how often that word is used to invalidate childhood emotions.
@@tjc4331 right? Especially when one or both of your parents are narcissists. They love to gaslight and invalidate you so that they can absolve themselves of guilt for making you the patent and abandoning there responsibility.
Yes, how hypocritical to call a child "spoiled" when all they did was feed, clothe and put a roof over your head. No hugs, the threat of physical harm constantly present, emotional abuse and neglect. Might as well have been cattle in the barn, but even cattle get a pat once in awhile.....
My dad thinks I have to be perfect as if he is. He isn't He's still this way. I'm not good enough, or is anything I do. . He's a perfectionist. He nitpicks. I'm 60 and so fed up with his unsolicited opinions/lectures/controlling tone.
Like water for chocolate was a film I related to. I had to work in my dad’s business when I was 12 years old.he paid me less than minimum wage. I worked a 12 hour day every Saturday and 9-10 hours every Sunday. During the school year and every day during school breaks.The first time I was left alone with my baby sister I was about 7. I would do the grocery shopping by taking a radio flyer wagon and walking to the store. There was always too much responsibility on me, while my parents under functioned. They stole my childhood. I took the brunt of their frustration and was expected to be there for everyone and do everything while never being cared for myself. When I was 13-14, my parents told me I would be the one to take care of them in their old age. They forced me to go to nursing school and crushed my dreams of being an artist. I haven’t spoken to them in 33 years. There’s no room in my life for toxic and selfish. I live on my terms now. Still working through all of the damage, but I’m free.
You have just explained my whole life and why i have been so angry over the last year. I was processing my resentment. I cant thank you enough for making me feel normal and that i am not alone.
Thank You! I wish I could give more! Ok raised my sister from (I was 5 she was 2) didn't know this until she came out of intense therapy/rehab had 2 children of her own , she informed me much of her problems were because "I abandoned her" when I married (I was 16 she was 12) 😭 I've never been the same.
Eldest child and eldest daughter of a single disabled mom household. I was also the eldest of my dad's new family after the divorce. I did all the cooking, cleaning, babysitting, therapy for my single mom and was family mediator. I moved out at 19 and while I still go visit my family, I'm much better mentally on my own. I have found that I still play the role of eldest daughter in other parts of my life. I'm only happy when I feel useful and can help others. It's been hard to create boundaries.
we're so similar omg,,, I was the eldest and only child of a single disabled mom, and the eldest of 3 when my dad remarried. At my mom's house I used to cook, clean, do most of the chores, put myself on the bus, and let myself in after school. I also used to try and console her during her mental health episodes. At my dad's house I used to pay more attention to my siblings' interests than he did. Looking back I can't believe I used to be proud of how independent I was :(
Some of these things I’ve known for a while, but never have I had it laid out so clearly all in one place. I am an oldest daughter and have an oldest daughter. Some mistakes I haven’t repeated, but if I’m honest there are traps I feel susceptible to falling into with expectations of my eldest daughter. I feel like I’ve only begun to start to unravel the tangled up mess. This is why I am struggling right now in many areas, the expectations, people pleasing, resentment, and resulting isolation. Thank for presenting this so thoroughly.
I felt so betrayed after mending and reconnecting with my family. When my mom said 'That's your fault that no one does anything on Xmas or special occasions because you 'never let anyone help', I was crushed. For years I would cook an insane dinner. Beef wellingtons (Vegan wellingtons when my sister became vegan), all the trimmings, turkeys. All I was trying to do was create some kind of tradition and closer family. No one would have bothered to come out of their rooms or even be home if I hadn't. I cooked 'family' dinners since I was 14 after my dad left to make sure that my two younger siblings ate something homecooked. We also always had stray kids that had worse family situations that would stay with us for periods of time.
I feel you, and understand where your coming from. Despite having an older step sister, I always found myself in that role. She was the one that cooked, but she pushed back and then got married so I had to start cooking. I was 13 and it was the start of covid. So essential everything full onto me. We usually have a maid that helped around, but since it was online, we couldn’t. And so I was cooking full time for 6 family members. And one if the most stab in the heart thing my parents ever told me was the thing you’ve heard. “This x event went terrible cause you never let anyone help.” We have done our best, and continue to do so. And I see your heard work darling!
Dang that whole “that’s your fault” because you “ never let anyone help” was mad triggering for me to read! It’s been exactly 2 months since I blocked my mom and haven’t spoken to her. I feel so much better for it though!❤ sending you care! I get it!
Lots of love to you, girls❤ We will survive:) we've already been through a lot. Though learned helplessness caused by excessive responsibility and lack of encouragement is a real thing - look into it in case not to get stuck with you own lives
Did you not ask for help with cooking? Even as my children became adults, I asked them what they wanted to contribute to big meals. This gave them the option to make something or buy it. Stray kids are real and it is good to hear you took some in. You may never know how your kindness might affect them later in life. I try to volunteer, donate to shelters, police because I was a stray kid too at one time. Usually, they want to help out too. Taking a management class might help?
This is a very real and serious wound. I was cooking dinner, cleaning and taking care of everybody at the age of 7. I was parentified and neglected, my efforts were never recognized because "everybody has to help" except that I was the only one helping, I never got an "I love you" because "People only say that on TV!". The Results? I resent my parents even tho they're dead now. I don't ever want to be on a relationship or have kids. I've been on therapy for most of my adult life with a disgnosis of PTSD-C, Depression and Anxiety. Thank You very much Mom and Dad.
I started “playing with” watching my 2 year old sister at the age of 4. My last sister was born when I was 14. I have 4 younger sisters. I finally escaped my parents at the age of 21. I never had a childhood. I’m still not an adult in the eyes of my parents. I didn’t realize that you shouldn’t leave a 4 year old in charge of a mentally disabled 2 year old. Every time I asked for help I’d get in trouble, I’d get yelled at. I had no childhood, I had no teenager hood but I did have short of an adulthood until they followed me here. I personally hate my parents and all the c-ptsd they caused. No friends, no time for myself, oh and we were Morman…
I loved that I was the adult in the relationship with my siblings until I pissed off Mom for something... and then I was slapped back to being a child who was less than my siblings. I walked my siblings to school, signed school paperwork, answered all phone calls from my siblings, taught them everything I could. Mom got angry that I taught them to be more independent because my siblings wouldn't appreciate help then. If I stepped in between arguments I was told to mind my own business but constantly told about Mom's marriage problems.
I was Mormon too and I’m the oldest of five and know how you feel. for me, it was “watch over your siblings until we get back“ and then, as soon as my parents came home, I was expected just flipped that off and not try and interfere in my brothers arguing and then would be yelled at to mind my own business that I wasn’t the parent but I was mad that I was stuck in charge of kids for all the time but then turn around and being yelled at just because they were home I wasn’t supposed to be involved anymore it sucked know how you feel I am so sorry for your pain and wish you the best on your journey. Sending hugs and good vibes.
Hugs! I was the oldest daughter of 13 kids in a Mormon household and was asked to rinse shitty cloth diapers in the toilet at age 9. I babysat and had to be like a second mother. Teachers in elementary school always asked me how many babies I was going to have, AS IF!!
gosh you made me cry my heart out. actually, i have just discovered this thing knowing i am the eldest i just came here. and just now i realized how damaged i am. thank you so much my lady
I am the youngest brother, and was the adult child responsible for taking care of my older brother and the responsibilities of the house, dealing with problems, and even being my mother‘s best friend to deal with her horrible divorce and the shoulder to cry on when she got breast cancer, and even drive her to treatments. My brother never did any of those things I have all of the symptoms you are describing in this video and I’m a man.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve this. People sometimes call this "eldest daughter syndrom", but the right term is "a parentified child" because it's more inclusive.
I see you. I was the eldest girl (guess I still am), but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to boys too. I’m sorry you didn’t get to have a childhood. ❤️♥️❤️
Omg, omg! This was informative but it was also painful to hear. I was made responsible for siblings since I was 5 years old. When y was 5, mother had me babysit my 3 year old brother while she got her hair done. When he refused to listen to me while she was gone and broke her lamp, I was spanked (not him) and not given dessert that night because I failed to be responsible for my brother while she was gone...and also late getting home. When my grandfather was dying (which lasted 4 1/2 years) my mother went to help with him 3 days a week. Those were school days and began when I was 11 years old. It was my responsibility on those days to help my siblings with their homework (while getting mine done), cook dinner for them and my stepfather, clean the dishes, make sure everyone got their baths and dressed for bed and, if she stayed later, make sure everyone went to bed when they were supposed to. I was to make sure that my stepfather wasn't 'burdened' with any of this after a 'hard day at work making sure we had a roof over our head, etc." I could go on and on, these were just the first two things that came to mind... and I'm 62 and still struggling. God I'm tired!
Well this hit a nerve!!! Childhood is a long way behind me but I still automatically “read the room” and make sure I’m not doing or saying anything that might cause upset (I’ve caught myself doing that with psychologists and counsellors!). I remember my emotions happy or sad had to fall in line with my mother’s otherwise I was “being heartless” if she was sad and I was happy or excited about something and conversely, “bringing her down” if the reverse was happening. My siblings were referred to by myself and my parent/s as “the kids” and I was in some weird secondary mother limbo. When they were little my brothers called me Mummy. I ended up in a three decade relationship with a narcissistic man-child, but I managed to get out and forge my own path. There is an upside though, I have been level-headed, great in a crisis, fiercely independent with recognised leadership skills since I left home at 16 and so much more!!! When you can, Focus on the positive, Celebrate your strengths. You are all freaking AWESOME💪😊❤💋
Story of my life. The thing that shaped me the most is that I was responsible for the life of my mom, so I needed to make sure that she doesn’t un@live herself. Everyone including herself said that and counted on me. Now I feel responsible for every life in my life and it is exhausting
So sorry to hear that.. this was true for me, too. I think most people don't undestand how deeply such a situation affects us. I'm still in therapy for it. But hey, I think I am slowly learning to live my own life now, and that feels amazing🎉🥲 May I ask how you cope with all that? 🫂
It's completely exhausting. My "mother" occasionally still verbalized these sort of threats. I've disconnected my 1400 miles, 20 years ago...I let her know police will be on their way. She back pedals unbelievably fast. At this point, I have little to no contact with her.
@@noradiehl5395 I am still kinda in it but I get better because of the distance (I live now an hour away from my family) and because of therapy. I am sorry that that happend to you and I am happy to hear that you are slowly doing better ♥
@@natascha_mephisto @natascha_mephisto Yes, distance definitely helps, I can confirm that.. There's not much I can say, but I will pray for you❤️ the fact that we're here already shows that we're on the right path I guess :)
Eldest daughter here with 3 younger brothers. And daughters were rated as zero compared to the boys. Babysit, cook, clean, you name it. Extremely strict curfews too. Neither parent ever asked me to mediate between them. That must have came later than the 1970's. I was supposed to keep three brats quiet so dad could sleep. My mom worked second shift, and my dad worked third. And they went out of their way to be loud and make messes on purpose. I was a total failure to them, but "boys will be boys" excused them for everything, and all I heard was "Why can't you be a better daughter?" When the sexual harrassment amped up, I had to leave home for a year at age 16.
I’m the oldest daughter in an extremely dysfunctional family. I can relate to much of this. My parents have both passed on, but many of those behaviors/ issues live on.
My mom’s mother died when she was 10. She became a mom to her 6 other siblings (one was an older brother). She had to drop out of school to help out around the house. She did not graduate high school yet all her siblings got to go to college. She loved her siblings and loved to see them and they cared greatly for her. Instead, she took it out on me. I had so many chores. I was in 1st grade coming home to an empty house doing laundry and getting dinner ready. At 10, I was delivering newspapers and started babysitting for my customers. They had no idea how young I was because I was so MATURE. My mother made my brother’s bed until the day he got married.
I'm not a daughter, but I was the eldest child. 1. Waking up a sibling (and making sure we're dressed, fed and off to school on time), check. 2. Being confided to by my parent about her love life and troubles, check. 3. Being an overachiever, check. 4. Loaning money to a parent to feed her (cigarette) addiction, check (I operated a recycling business). 5. Resentful of the family, check (Me: "Are these people nuts?"). 6. Struggling with feelings of guilt (turning down an opportunity to stay with a family in a great school district because my family needs me) check. 7. Difficulty in adult relationships, check.
My brother was 30 when he suddenly said sorry to me. Then my mum did. After that she said that he started therapy, and it shows. Now it looks like he finally understands that I was mistreated by my parents and he was taught to do the same. I was bullied at school by my classmates, and at home - by my sibling. We live in different countries, but now I finally have a brother, not a person who takes and never gives back. He built a relationship with my son, that often chat online. I know I can call for help and he st least will try to. My mum doesn't want to start therapy, but she is doing her best to break the pattern. She's not perfect, but she helps a lot and it counts. I don't communicate with my father. Never. My extended family were surprised at first, now almost no-one talks to him. Toxic and selfish, needs to look good in other people's eyes and always be praised. I left my husband. I asked him to go back to being an adult, he told me he wanted to be a teenager again. I don't need one more child, I already have two to take care of. It's hard, but it pays off. I am happy. I am free. I am a better me now.
9:34 Manipulate is WAY too strong of a word. Manipulate: "Control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously." It is a negative word that connotes engaging in unethical behavior to get someone to act against their best interest. People pleasing to avoid conflict & get treated right is definitely dysfunction but absolutely not manipulative. Frankly im shocked your therapist said that. 1) Because it was categorically the wrong word 2) All human interactions involve monitoring the other person's mood and acting in a way that facilitates them having a desirable emotional response. Ex. I see you twinge, realize Ive said something that makes you uncomfortable, I steer away from the subject, and then act more polite/sanitized for the rest of the interaction
Oh thank god it's not just me who thinks this 😅 Like I think I understand the point that Ms Kati and her therapist are trying to make, and I wouldn't be surprised if the therapist had purposely used the word "manipulate" to make a point to her client, but referring to it as "manipulation" is definitely overkill for the average non-therapist person. Imo it could even be detrimental to classify people pleasing as manipulative bc for some ppl, being a people-pleaser is their only method of self protection. Like if they're in an abusive relationship with someone physically larger and stronger than themselves, and can only use placation or distraction to prevent themselves from being hurt. If someone who is in that situation sees this, they might take the negative connotation of "manipulate" to mean that their defense is immoral or something to be ashamed of, which can leave them more vulnerable to their abuser bc they've lost a tool to protect themselves. Or if the abuser themselves sees this, they may use it to bully or shame their victim, or as an excuse to increase their abusive actions, or even to gaslight their victim into accepting the abuse bc they """deserve it""". To be clear, I'm not saying that being a people-pleaser is a good thing, or that if you recognize that behavior in yourself, you should just accept it or ignore it or whatever. But I think using a loaded word like "manipulation", while it can be helpful for someone educated about mental health, is not AT ALL helpful for a regular person who hasn't had that advantage. No hate to Ms Kati! I just think that she could have done better to leave that info out, and use a more specific AND less loaded term to explain WHY being a people-pleaser isn't healthy for ppl to aspire to. It's not good for us, but we shouldn't be ashamed, bc this sort of mentality often comes from being abused or neglected, and that's not our fault. I say this as an inveterate people-pleaser lol, it's something I have been struggling with since I was a kid. I'm not gonna blame myself or call myself manipulative for doing whatever it took to survive. It wasn't my fault that some of the ppl in my life let me down. So it's not my fault that I had to find creative ways to look after myself, within my personal limitations of disability, mental illness, and physically small stature. It's kinda like an old school RPG you know? Everyone gets a weapon that suits their class. The warrior has an axe, the rogue has a dagger, and the bard.....has a magical guitar 😅
The "cleverly" part is throwing me off because I do not think manipulation necessitates intention, or intention to harm. It is just "unjust" for the fact that you are not being your authentic self, so they don't get a chance to interact with or respond to the real you. I can definitely see where my people pleasing is a form of manipulation because I would not address the issue and placate them to avoid conflict. As a result, people never get to see my real thoughts and values and a lot of times I feel that I have come across as "fake". Like nothing ever phases me. I notice sometimes that other people have big reactions to things that I may respond to with a just a facial expression. Manipulation can definitely be a way to protect yourself but that doesn't mean you can't call it what it is.
I never understood (consciously) why I am always the life coach to most everyone I know, and the extraordinary people pleaser that I am. I am always the one to ask for a text to make sure people made it home safe. I am the one to “take care of” and ensure others are happy at parties and gatherings. Boundaries are nebulous at the best of times. I am the eldest daughter, granddaughter, and grandchild. This was a revelation. Thank you so much for this video!
I’m the eldest daughter who eventually went NC with my adoptive family because of all of the things mentioned and then some. I’m nearly 50 and still feel guilt when I have to establish boundaries. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have them even into adulthood.
I struggle with everything mentioned. I cryed my heart out when I turned 17. I knew being an actual child was gone. I hadn't even been one and I grieved for that longing of being a carefree child. I'm the oldest of 3 girls. My 2 younger sisters didn’t get our parents in the era I did. They will never truly understand where I'm coming from. Insist on how I should forgive and forget. I've tried so hard but at every turn both parents are still doing or saying hurtful things. I was always made to feel like there was no love or patience for me. I was just to carry the load of chores and childrearing. Two things that do stand out to me. Are that I can't take a compliment. Nor am I good at receiving any gifts. I just shut down at both. Makes me feel horrible but I'd never truly felt worthy of anything. I love doing those two things for others. I even feel guilty when buying myself anything. I'd get asked why no kids. Well It had to do a lot with how I had no childhood. I'm in my mid 30's and pregnant now. But it was a very hard decision. I've told my husband of 14yrs that knowing he will be the father (& I the mother) we both never had has definitely helped me. Pray for our baby girl she has to be taken to the NICU as soon as she's born. She'll be receiving life support treatment for her Congenital diaphragmatic hernia. 🥺
Females are "supposed" to be nurturing and are socialized/encouraged to be so. I know I was. Also, I would say I USED to have these traits but I burned out a few years ago. I gave up. I figured if I kept expectations low, I'd never have to maintain a high standard when I didn't have the energy for it. Life is quieter and lonelier now, but overall easier.
This video was so, so healing! After suffering for so many years in silence, I feel someone finally validated my feelings and allowed me to move forward. I did theraphy but never had such a clear insight on this topic and guidance. Thank you, Kati! You are an awesome gift to the world and your work matters so much! I pray that the Universe gives back to you as much as you have given ❤
Eldest daughter here. When I was 10, I was the one getting up at 2, 4, and 6am to take care of and feed my youngest brother. My parents abdicated their responsibility to me from that point on. Always responsible for everyone else and resentful about it. And it's carried over to adulthood - constantly wanting to help to feel needed. Thank you so much for this video.
I’m the eldest daughter and I can identify with this. I have a sibling who has a disability. Once I was old enough I was expected to be home and take care of him and my younger siblings. Refusing was considered selfish. As an adult I’m always the one to call on when someone needs something. Never mind, I have three siblings who are perfectly capable of stepping in but I’m the one everyone calls. They never call unless they need something. . I’m absolutely burned out from caring for everyone’s needs.
I also am am oldest daughter with a sibling with special needs. My other siblings do not step in. I feel bad, but I moved out three years ago and am not putting pressure on myself to be able to care for my brother. I am not his mom. Keep on keeping on.
For 10 years I attempted to set boundaries with my parents, had my child almost 9 years ago and the whole time they disregarded my boundaries. I was clear in what I needed for myself and my child and they thought it was a game. I cut them all out of my life last May. It wasn't easy, although I set the intention a year ago that I was walking away and it gave me the chance to forgive them and pray and forgive in my own space. ❤
Eldest daughter here....Thank You for this!! Each and every one of the 8 signs hit home for me. My Mom was the youngest child in her family, and, growing up, I often felt (and still do) it was my responsibility to support her emotionally, while helping out with my two younger sisters. (I wonder if those dynamics played into my sense of responsibility also). I care for my Mom now in her old age with little to no support from my sisters....they live far from me. I just hate my resentment and guilt. Would be so interested in learning more!
You can take surprise visit your sisters with your mother and give yourself a break,suggest a nursing home with the other siblings and your mother chipping in... the resentment will only grow if you keep abandoning yourself and your needs .
Yeah my mom was the youngest of 6 sibilings. She often justified how my childhood was because when she was a kid all her siblings took care of her and she would go non about how she was the favorite and her parents loved her best. When my grandmother died I ended up becoming both the mother of my brother and both the mother to my mom. She would even say your just like my mom. Fast forward I am behind in live since I dedicated my life as caregiver and thought my only purpose was to care and take of everyone.
I am an eldest child also with trauma...and had to go through all of this, but didn't have the backlash of a parent saying anything bad… I always think a lot of times these things are put in boxes and if you had a lot of responsibilities you must feel abused and have been told bad things...but I hope I'm not alone In feeling like I was grateful for having these responsibilities because things are much easier for me to deal with as an adult. I see people with a lot of stress and anxiety... And I'm truly grateful that I learned very early to acclimate to things so they are not so 1:43 stressful to me now.. I do feel sad, because I've known a lot of people that have felt pressured from being the oldest, but I always loved Knowing that people felt comfortable having me take care of things and truly appreciated them...
My youngest sister accused me of abandoning them when I left home, so they had to cope with the parents on their own. I was shocked and deeply hurt, but obviously, she thought it would have been my responsibility to protect them. To me it felt like she didn’t think I had the right to have a life of my own.
WOW! I know how you feel. Recently, my mom told me my younger brother( who has a disability) was angry at me for getting married. She also chewed me out for not protecting my younger sibling when he was physically abused by a teacher. I was eight years old at the time. She said it was my responsibility.
Same. I joined the Army straight out of high school. My younger siblings hated me for it. They got over it when they could "borrow" money. I stopped giving them money after our mother died and they both got married. They don't talk to me now.
Oldest child/daughter here and yes to everything said. Immature parents, my mom used me as her confidante for marriage difficulties, always responsible for my three siblings. Given no care/help when I had my kids. Went through a whole divorce without any calls from my mom, even though my young self helped her through hers. I’m 50 now, she still doesn’t see me as an equal. I did better with my daughter!
Please, show her this video and give her a support. Her childhood was stolen. I am the oldest sister, I wish my sister could recognize this. :-( But she thinks that it is ok for the oldest child to "slave" for the family.
I always felt terrified that something would happen and it would be my fault. Don’t worry, Gail will take care of it. I’m 70 and I still feel responsible and guilty for moving away 15yrs ago. 3 brothers 2 sisters and I still get told I left them……” You don’t care about family”. I was babysitting since I was 4. My 2 sisters were born when I was 13 & 14. I had to take them everywhere with me so much that some people used to say it was disgraceful…..at my age……..they thought they were mine. I am still feel responsible, even though I’m no longer there.
This is me. My younger sisters have left the country and I’m left responsible for my, now 93 year old mum, who looks on me as a sister/best friend. She doesn’t acknowledge that I’m 30 years younger.
I hear you! My father expected me, a wife and mom/ business owner/homeschooling teens, to suddenly move into his home to care for my dying mom, until she died, because I was the eldest daughter. Also, we were not told of her illness until weeks before. Also because "that is what oldest daughters have to do or why did I even have you?" My own family and I did push through that, getting mom into a safe place for her final weeks, but oh the drama.for not doing all the right things that I "Should have KNOWN were my responsibility." Yes, boundaries went up quickly!
I'm an eldest daughter, and I can't remember most of my childhood so I can't really relate to the early points that Kati have mentioned. But I teared up at the last part. 17:39 It just shows that I could be struggling with these in the past, but I can't really remember because my brain might be trying to suppress those memories... Thanks Kati. ❤
She grew up in a different time when women could not even talk about how they felt, it was totally unacceptable to have a problem with things that people would get support for now.
I didn't know this condition had a name. To anyone watching, it is easy to think you have changed a behavior by removing yourself from the situation. But if you don't work on the behavior and yourself you will fall right back into it. It took me over forty years to realize this. And even now 20 years later I still have to monitor my behavior. It never really goes away.
Sheesh. Very relatable. Girls are strong as hell, and get taken advantage of for it. I'm the only daughter, and younger sibling of 2, but I remember even as an 8 year old when my mom officially passed away (she had been sick for 2 years), I was handing tissues to my dad & brother and telling them it would be alright, "mom's not in pain anymore" kind of stuff. No one checked in with me and my feelings. I just cried to myself at night when they weren't around. Then a couple years later at 9-12 when my brother was doing drugs & also experiencing life ending feelings, I was the person bandaging his self-inflicted wounds, bringing him an upchuck bucket, & starting at 11, saving lunch money for his bus rides (or who knows what else since he was using) when dad kicked him out/he left permanently. I also was the person who was changing my father's wounds when he had a large incision in his stomach that needed packed bandages changed daily, when I was 12, despite him having another wife and my Aunt living in the house at the time. But I had to be "the nurse" and take care of it. And anytime my Aunt didn't cook, dinner was on me. Love to all the other daughters given too much responsibility too young. ❤
As the eldest daughter I identify with being parentified and scolded for the behavior of my siblings because I was suppose to take care of them and scolded for having boundaries as to what was mine and not giving them up for siblings that wanted to use them, even clothing. I was always suppose to know better. I was suppose to take care of everyone's feelings in the family while not allowed to have feelings or needs. I was a people pleaser and need to work on it. I had a vulnerable narcissistic mother and the very traits as an eldest daughter attracts narcissistic relationships with takers. I also struggle to get into feminine energy as a woman, the receiving energy. Thank you so much for your message. I have uncovered trauma around my childhood, reamed out for not taking care of others 1st, called selfish if I said no to siblings. I felt invisible at times just filling a role and I became scared to be seen because I was the one my parents could ream out for not being good enough or perfect, not meeting their expectations
Yeah, me, too. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, you name it. At 10 years old, I was fielding calls from bill collectors and helping my mother balance the check book. I could mix any cocktail they wanted, including a "mean" White Russian. Not to mention getting good grades, so they would be proud of me. During my teenage years, my mother told me that my 17 year old boyfriend had propositioned her. My younger sibling was taking drugs and shoplifting. HE got taken to a psychiatrist. But as for me, if I was still doing the chores, they told me I was fine. In reality, I was suicidal. I "ran away" though I was an adult at 19. I lived with a friend, and my mother literally ran her car off the road. Then, they threatened me with commitment to a mental hospital because I was "promiscuous and unbalanced." Finally, I saved enough money to fly to North Carolina. My first husband was in the Navy in Virginia. I asked him to drive down and we were married there because the legal age for marriage was 16. My folks called his commanding officer and tried to get him thrown in the brig. It was a nightmare, and in many ways, though I'm 74, parts of it still are.
That's awful I hope your relationship / marriage wasn't abusive. Usually we get trapped in abusive relationships when we're desperate and trying to escape . I hope you're doing well now after all those decades
@@nussknacker9827 Unfortunately, it was. My husband abandoned me with a 6 year old and an 18 month old. He cheated on me throughout our marriage. It took years, and lots of therapy, some good, some bad, to be told that I was not crazy and what I wanted out of life was "reasonable." Remarried at 30, and that relationship had its ups and downs, too, of course. I've come far, I hope, but I still have far to go.
This was my life as the eldest daughter. What I did figure out for myself and has help is not to make decisions based on fear or guilt. I takes a bit of practice but it is also very liberating.
Now that I’m 28 years old with two kids by the time I was 23, I can see that the ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ is the reason why I stayed close to home & ending up creating a whole new family to have to care for. Last year I had an epiphany that if I hadn’t been consumed with offering my energy to my parents I would have gone away from the state for college, I can see now I was never thinking of myself & that’s why my life is the way it is now. It took the unconditional love of my children to break me out of these patterns, & im so proud of the woman I have become since my first born child at 21, and I’m excited to continue building towards the woman I know I can be ! It feels good to accept that this isn’t “just the way it is” like I was meant to believe, like I was told. I am free to know I have room for growth ! That was something I never thought I’d have !
Im eldest daughter of 5 siblings. This video and comments hit spot on. I struggled with myself, relationship, and how to properly raise my 3 little humans. Not long ago "months", ive finally took that step back to recognize on how to heal in a healthy way. This video helped so much.
i relate to ‘eldest daughter syndrome’. i was never a daughter. i was essentially another a parent.. at times the only parent. with saying that, caring for my family is a privilege and i feel lucky to have siblings and parents, because some don’t, but there are times i do wish i could have come first, aside from being born.
I'm the oldest daughter and I had kids ( siblings) on my hip as long as I can remember. When I couldn't pull through and failed at something- my mother was EXTREMELY ABUSIVE!! I left by choice at 13yo. The court placed me in a girl's home. My mother was so mad because I went against her, she made sure the family never forgave me. I wasn't allowed and even still 40 years later- I'm not allowed to visit anyone. ' mother' made sure to get the last word. As for the rest of my family , it's still hurts -but I moved on years ago No matter how many times I tried to defend myself, nobody listened because my mother made sure that since I was a kid, that I wasn't credible and should not be believed I stopped punishing myself by almost begging my family to 'love me'. I am still working on getting my power back, but its still very hard at my age..
As the eldest daughter in my family, your list resonated with me - every topic you touched on. Regarding journaling, it's one of the greatest gift I've ever given myself. By journaling, I have been able to put together pieces of relationships over the years to see the patterns that emerged. Disturbing once brought to the light.
Oldest daughter/child of 8 kids. I have 6 younger brothers, and my only little sister was born when I was 16. People are baffled as to why I can't stand other people's kids, and I say simply, because I've been a mother since birth. I remember changing my brothers diapers when I was 4-5. I was a perpetual babysitter, chauffeur, I cooked meals, I was in charge of dishes (we didn't have a dishwasher) and I got punished with extra cleaning because "I did it better" but really it was just conditioning my brothers that weaponized incompetence works. We were homeschooled, so I remember helping my siblings with homework, helping put kids down for naps, folding laundry that wasn't mine etc. I have oldest daughter syndrome times a million. Unfortunately, I was also scapegoated in my family, so I have been no contact, and its probably the best thing I've ever chosen for myself. Take care of yourselves oldest daughters!!
I’m sending this to my mom. She’s absolutely struggled with this for a long time. She’s expressed all of these frustrations to me, especially recently with her sister’s TBI and my grandmother’s worsening dementia. She’s always had to be the responsible one and it’s exhausting for her ☹️ she recently told me “if your grandpa has to stop driving I feel like my life will be over. I’ll be a taxi driver”. My aunt’s TBI has also left her incredibly resentful and frustrated because my Aunt was a terrible patient and all her worst traits turned to 11. Like insult to injury she told my mom how much she hates her and that she can’t tell her what to do and how much my mom is always perfect and thinks she’s better than her. She just had to take the verbal abuse because it was the brain injury talking and it was still my mom’s job to take care of her anyways. It pissed me off so much on her behalf. Literally everything she’s done and sacrificed her whole life just thrown in her face.😤 she broke down and called me in tears basically venting about everything you talked about in this video expressing that for once she wants to be looked out for and taken care of and it’s not fair she has to be the responsible one every day.
Ok I feel like someone just throat punched me…..I have never heard of eldest daughter syndrome. But I feel all of this…and I’m almost 50. Though I have done a lot of healing and do not experience many of these behaviors anymore, I can now see the connections between many things and the reasons I choose to be there. And why I’m struggling with my emotions of anger and the anxiety that causes me to not be physically able to speak when I have absolutely no other choice than to ask for help and make my doctors understand what I’m experiencing in my body. It’s frustrating beyond all end that I physically can’t speak. And I can see the connection from the eldest daughter syndrome to the 20 years of having to deal with spinal issues and mobilityproblems to the point of disability and then having to ask for help. I need to journal now thank you so much for posting this. This is a great topic for me to work on myself and heal through this.
My mom was the eldest daughter who died when I was 11, after her death the crown was automatically given to me. Even though my mom's youngest sister who was in her late 20s still lived with her mother, I was expected to help my grandmom babysit my toddler cousins b'cos I was the eldest granddaughter. What hurts most is once my cousins would return to their home and I was not needed my grandmom did not want me around. Not once my contributions acknowledged by her or my cousins' parents. My cousins went on to have successful lives while I still struggle with scoliosis and other mental health issues. I still hate them even though I've not seen them in nearly 20 years. I wish I was smarter and not been so damn conscientious. It's never worth putting other people's well-being before your own. Prioritize you.
@@InnerGiggles Thank you for your validating words. It does take time to overcome this hidden abuse. As a child, you want to help and be kind but your kindness and naivety are exploited. Knowing what we went through was abuse and wrong is the beginning of our healing journey.
As the oldest and only daughter I see myself in what you are saying. I could write a book ... I basically gave up my life for my family... My reward was watching my brother's get their own cars, get sent to college...the perks never ended for them... Clearly, at almost 79 years old, it's pretty late to rectify any of this...but I can take care of myself and try to have a good life in the time I have left.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining this... now I understand myself better. I hope your work helps people to be better human beings, better parents, and help us heal who was not fortunate enough to have a loving childhood.
I can relate to all of the 8 traits you mentioned…the hardest being setting boundries and experimenting such levels of anxiety. I’ve felt responsible for the well being of my “Nuclear family” up until a few months ago… and Im 56! This EDS was engraved deeply in me although it was never based on extra home work load, I guess it was installed more on the basis of needing everyone to be ok and a little bit of being taught that others would look up to me. There might be additional examples beyond the cleaning and cooking ones…because the traits get installed deeply in morebsuttle ways. Other eldest daughters might be able to pinpoint them…one of mine was believing that I had to team up with my mother (when in her eyes, my dad came short in providing for the family) in order to pull the whole family through. I bought the concept that I was responsible of aiding any member of my family economically. EDS has affected my relationships unbalancing them. I was ok with doing more than the otherhem if not all! I’m determined to set healthy boundries and support balanced/reciprocal relaonly as well as staying true to myself. Thank you for this video, it was validating and valuable for me.
I have C-PTSD as a result of domestic violence and was watching this for someone else... Wish you had put a trigger warning on the one where the girl was listening to DV happening outside the door.
Wow Katie this is so validating and helpful, thank you so much 🙏❤️ I was the eldest of 3 girls who grew up with an emotionally unavailable and unstable dad, our mum having left the family when I was 8. I relate to everything you describe here. Only now, in my 40s am I having therapy and making the changes you mention. I love the tips.. honestly its the best feeling just allowing myself a treat, long bath, or doing nothing watching TV. The guilt still comes but it is less now. I married the youngest son of 5 who is described by his family as never having to do anything for himself when he was little! I'm working hard to make sure my teenage son and daughter feel equally important, appreciated, seen and valued ❤❤
The breathing bit hit me. I shared a room with my younger sister and I'd stay up till 1am on school nights often to make sure my mom got home safe. Sometimes I'd feel so horribly anxious and terrified I'd just look over to make sure she was breathing, to make sure she wasnt having nightmares, that she had blankets over her and her neck wasn't laying in a way that would hurt her later.
Katie you have a way of knocking me in my kneecap. As an eldest child of a substance misuse and mentally ill poverty stricken family I cut ties with all 3 yrs ago but the effects still linger as I reflect on my current state of life. It’s not easy to acknowledge but even more to change.
I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, and was in the driveway chopping firewood when my old country doctor came by. After scolding me for doing what he saw as my husband's work, he walked me inside and sat me down in the kitchen, and made us a pot of tea while I sobbed at his kindness.
Bingo! All 8 of your points fit me perfectly! I am the oldest of 5 children, with 16 years between myself & my youngest sibling, who considers me his 2nd "mom"! You have done an excellent job explaining the Eldest Daughter syndrome, so thank you, because I have tried to effectively explain this& haven't been able to articulate what I was responsible for in my family, that none of my siblings were expected to do! It's so frustrating & exhausting to this day & it has affected all of my relationships, including my marriage! So thank you for talking about this topic! There is one more thing that I experienced, which I was never told that I was responsible for, but I soon found out that my mom expected me to make sure that all of my siblings didn't get injured or hurt when we were outside playing in our neighborhood of 25 kids! But I quickly learned this the hard way when one of my younger siblings skinned their knee & went running to mom. When I walked in the door, my mom was comforting my crying sibling & I got punished & sent to my room for neglecting my responsibilities of keeping my siblings safe while we were outside playing with our own friends!
As oldest child and daughter, if my sisters got into trouble, I was punished too. This fits me so well. Thank you for publishing it. I understand myself a lot better now. I am 71, have always felt I never measured up to anything.
Watching early family videos can be instructive. As the oldest daughter I was struck by the care giving of my younger sister in a Christmas video. She was 4 and I was 8. She had received one of those plastic horses on springs that allow a child to rock and bounce. In the video I help her to climb onto the horse while my mother poses for my father with her cosmetics gift. I then put some of MY Christmas gifts, a toy gun and holster and cowboy hat on my sister so she can feel like a real cowgirl. Only after she is happy do I turn to my main gift, a microscope and isolate from everyone.
As a partner to an eldest daughter (and yes, I am the youngest son) this really hit like a freight train. Thanks for pointing out that the people pleasing comes at a huge cost - one of the issues we've had to work on is the fact that the people in the 'inner circle' of the person with EDS (usually only one or two people) are the only people that they feel comfortable asking for help from. So they end up being the default option to lean on with all those extra responsibilities, and become a 'people pleaser by proxy'.
I only have one younger brother so i honestly didn't expect to feel this called out 😅 this was all sooo helpful, especially the people pleasing part! What an eye opener. Thank you!
As the eldest i felt responsible when my mother abused my 2 years younger brother. I struggle with guilt 30 years later. We need to talk about sibling abuse.
What about youngest child? Learn more about youngest child syndrome here: 5 Signs You Have Youngest Child Syndrome
ruclips.net/video/phIKn7-w_v4/видео.html
Do you have any videos to help you know where you belong?
What about the true middle child? I have three older siblings and three younger siblings. I always describe my childhood as “what the oldest children wouldn’t do, and the youngest ones couldn’t do, it fell to me. I was never too old and never too young at the same time.”
The youngest child syndrome is not really felt until the whole family gets old and need help that the only one is able to really help is the youngest …I’m the oldest but now have watched our baby sister taking on the job of caring for our elderly parents. My health has just dropped …I married a baby person and he needed lots of care so for years his health was bad…now can’t walk or leave my room..guess what no is here to help me.
As the eldest daughter, I never truly felt like a child…I felt like an adult in a child’s body. I was always told I was so mature for my age but what people didn’t realize is that wasn’t necessarily by choice.
ME TOO
I feel the same ❤
Oh my gosh. I feel every word you said.
Me too. I'm almost 60 and I still struggle with the things she talks about in this video.
"told I was so mature for my age"
Uh, was it a 40 year old guy trying to sleep with you?
Wow, I'm 70 and you just explained my whole life.
Me too! My little brothers had childhoods I had responsibilities. Narcissistic mother dominated me every moment, enabler father complained about the poor quality of my attitude, constantly reminding me to be grateful they adopted me and be a happy little slave for them all. Parents passed. Now I'm expected to care for the brother who bullied and betrayed me for over 65 years. I am so very tired. Sometimes it feels so hopeless I wish I could just die 💔😣😭
I just gave your comment the 70th like
Me too!
I'm 68, as a child my mum dumped all her bitterness about my dad on me,
now I avoid men like the plague. No husband, no boyfriends. I know men aren't all incredibly selfish like my dad but conditioning is deep...? Thanks mum. Looking after my mentally ill sister ....three brothers but it's my job....surprise, surprise!!
I’m 73. A lot of this is me. But the worst thing was how I was my mother’s confidant.
Sigh.
This explains a lot.😪
I am the eldest daughter. One thing I would add to the adult relationships section is the fear of even seeking out a romantic relationship because of the overwhelming fear of being stuck in another caregiver role.
Right.
I don't ever want to marry or have children
I was hoping to be able to foster teenagers to give them a better life
Sadly this never became possible due to disability and terminal illness
😅
I’ve been divorced for 12 years and kids are finally out. I don’t want to date a similarly aged man in his 60s because I know it would be only for my caretaker role
I was very unhappily married for seven years. I’m also fearful of any romantic relationship because of not only the caregiver role, but also how much stress and responsibility I feel when others are unhappy or angry. I lost myself and guilt.
This is a valid concern for an eldest daughter. I ended up getting married very young at 19 and feeling like I was perfectly capable of "fixing" my now ex-husband. He was damaged by his family physically, sexually, emotionally. He just needed someone to love him, right? He just needed someone to take care of him better than his family did, right?
12 years and three kids later and I had to tap out. Turns out that I wasn't right for the job. It's hard to fix someone who actively sabotages their own wellbeing and cannot possibly concern themselves about yours or the children's needs. Then of course the aftermath is just finding someone who is the opposite of him. So simple, right? My standards were so low though and that's no good either.
I never have remarried and luckily the kids are adults now so what I thought was an urgent concern is gone. I have a better handle on what I would want in a potential future husband. Still, the scars remain.
I can so relate to this!!! When I moved away from my family, people were telling me, " it must be hard and lonely," to the contrary, I felt that It was much easier to be on my own. For the first time, I only had to take care of myself and not everyone else.!
This!!!
As the oldest child/oldest daughter I find myself thriving more when I’m away from my family and I am quick to run from overwhelming situations because I will get depressed easy and I don’t like confrontation!
I'm the youngest of six with only one sister (#3 in birth order). She's always had mental health problems for as far back as I can remember and she is now completely estranged from me and my siblings (our parents are deceased.) I never really thought about how difficult it might have been for her to take care of me when she was 8 and I was a newborn. My mother seems to have just "assigned" me to her care, and I used to wake her up all hours of the night to get me water or calm me down if I heard scary noises. She never complained.
Yes. Very true.
@@ikethebarberingbae4508 OMG THIS THIS THIS
When someone is expectedly kind to me, I tear up. Sometimes, I actually cry.. Now I understand why.
Me too.❤
Me too! ❤ People even doing the simplest things to help makes a HUGE difference for me.
Me too...and I never understood why until now.
Me too❤, I remember to have asked GOD to bring me people who will shower me with their kindness so that I may just get used to it!
me too! The simplest thing and Im like: wow! Your would do that??To ME?? and then I cry
Afraid to fall asleep at night. Has become a lifetime habit. Mind never shuts down.
Same!
I get peace by imagining myself in some disaster scenario. It gives the stress a 'reason' and eventually I can let it go for a 'rescue' and drift off feeling a lot better.
Whoah me too
Doc doesn't want to prescribe sleeping pills that work either. So tired of my worn out brain. I always seem to fall back into this little sleep pattern. I'm in a safe place. Kids all are grown. I know I don't even like to sleep but I know I should. I just cannot get back into a regular sleep pattern.
i can relate too..I just couldn't sleep when everybody is sleeping. . Until I can hear somebody else is awake for the day, then that's the time that I could finally sleep.
Eldest child and eldest daughter here. I often heard...you are the oldest, you should be ashamed of yourself! You should know better. (even though I was only 19 months older than my next sibling, my brother..)
I got the same treatment, same position in the family too. Except my brother is 15 months younger than me. So on one hand we were described as “practically twins” but I’m also the eldest and therefore should know better. I’m sorry for the burdens placed upon you as a child.
Thank you...sorry for you as well.@@sanctuary6689
Or when your sibling made the same (normal) mistakes you did and you got blamed for them. Further, if you told someone you get called a tattle tale, or if you didn't you got blamed for not saying anything.
I think we were actually meant to be stand-ins for our parents so they could absolve themselves of any responsibility.
or we were conditioned to just take it!@@ladvita32
I was only 14 months older than my sister (and less developmentally because I was 10 weeks early and a micropreemie) and hard same.
My mother first had me babysit my sister while she was away at 7. When my sister was 7 and I was 8, my parents wouldn't leave her home alone - but when I was 7, they'd have me babysitting her!
Any misbehavior or failure on the part of my siblings was my fault. "You're the oldest, you should've helped her with her homework/stopped them/risen above the provocation/known better!"
Add to doing twice the chores of any other sibling (plus my siblings' chores for them if they refused because they threw bigger tantrums and my parents didn't want to deal with them and knew they could guilt me into doing more than my share).
I could go on. I didn't get to be a kid. Instead I was this bizarre kid-parent, in that whether I was a child (and therefore my opinions, wants, feelings and judgements don't matter) or an adult (and therefore held to adult expectations and responsibilities) depended entirely on my parents' convenience.
I constantly struggle with the question of “are acts of service actually how I naturally show love or did I spend my entire life being expected to perform acts of service to justify my existence and now I just don’t know anything else” because of being made the 3rd parent
that just opened my eyes,,, time to reevaluate my "love language" lol
This! ^
It took me a while to realize that I do Acts of Service because that’s what mom responds to. When I talked about the book to her and summarized it when she didn’t read it and lost it, I told her mine was words of aspiration. I actually stoked up the courage to ask for little compliments. She said, “I don’t have time for that!”
*looks at camera*
So I knew I could not stay and I moved away.
My mother would proudly tell me that I’ve been acting like a 30 year old since I was 8 years old. I still don’t understand how she thinks that’s a good thing.
It was good for her but not for you
I have a female friend who was assigned with cleaning her younger brother's room. He was already a teen. smh
Yep my mom says the same thing I was so mature for my age despite being the youngest I was put into the eldest role.
It's not a good thing!
Cause it made her life easier. Period.
People pleasing: a form of manipulation. Yup 😢 I had to swallow this pill, too. It's a control issue....managing my anxiety. Any loud voice or noise, and conflict makes me incredibly uncomfortable. This is so freaking hard. Healing is worth it, I know, but it's so hard.
Yup, same way and being super responsible for everyone and everything. My husband is the youngest. I did just about everything in the household. I knew no other way to be.
Same for me, too. I now prefer quiet and being alone.
I remember being called a manipulator a few times before but didn't get why, now that I get it, I feel guilty for unintentionally manipulating people
I am the eldest of 5 siblings and the daughter of two emotionally immature parents.
People ask why I don’t have kids.
I was an adult for my whole childhood.
Gotta heal so I didn’t pass on resentment.
I am the same. I am the eldest of three daughters and the daughter of two emotionally immature parents. I have never been able to seek out a romantic partner because I'm terrified of finding myself in that unhealthy position again. I just want to put myself first for a change.
Parents were not just emotionally stunted but manipulative also. The "friend" conversations - from both parents - were set in such a way as to make me feel privileged that _I_ was the one to whom they could confide.
It was taken too far when I was told I was my brother's keeper. It felt wrong, especially when he got so many passes when I was penalized. Not sure, but that might have been the seeds of the anger which led to depression of being out of control
Thought I wanted a child when I was 18. By the time I hit 25, knew there was no way I wanted to inflict that anger onto a child who couldn't fight back
As a fellow oldest daughter in a dysfunctional home, I feel that so much.
I raised my parents.
@@Caerdrys yes. Exactly. I feel the same!!!
@@slianyong7550 I agree it’s not good as I know my dad did not want me and I could feel his resentment. It breaks my heart to this day. I know I have self esteem issues from it.🤯
First daughter here. Born from a narcisistic violent manipulative mother and a dad who loves me but was too busy at work.
Everything exploded when I learnt to stand up for myself once my brother was born and my parents expected me to clean after him.
Left the house at 17, applied to college and only talk to dad now.
No kids ever. I'm living all the safety I can provide myself, all that safety and comfort I never had.
As the eldest daughter from an abusive household it made it even worse. I was the one keeping the pieces together and taking care of everyone. Had to be my mum's therapist, caretaker for my brother and baby sister. I also started saving as soon as I started working so they could be ok. I now struggle with Bipolar Disorder, depression and anxiety and don't ever want kids. My therapist says it's because I have been a parent to everyone around me since I was a child. Eldest daughter syndrome is real.
Being my mom's therapist and sometimes feeling like I am her husband instead of my stepfather, is a lot. Everyone else brings their problems to her or to me, but she brings all of her problems to me as well. Work problems, marriage problems, financial woes...you name it. I have always been in the role of problem solver, and I always have to do for her or them whatever she can't do. I can be out of the country, and this does not change anything. It's like I am the only person who can fix whatever it is.
The problem is that is usually the case, so what to do...? I can't blame them. I would ask me for help too as I am good at helping. It's just exhausting having to juggle every one's issues. I try to set boundaries, but like I also can't stand to watch things go wrong if I could step in and help or fix it...😒
I know exactly how you feel. Therapists and people say you have to "learn to say no" but it is so difficult when no was never an option growing up.
They say that enables their behaviour. I want to say no and I resent them for expecting me to help but still you can't just watch people you care for suffering.
I am sorry you have to have everyone's problems burdened on you. People don't realise what a toll it takes.
This was me too. My mom was a single parent and I essentially became the one to rely on, especially once my sibling was born. I was used to basically taking care of myself if my mom was too busy, and suddenly I also had a baby to console and help her with.
Eldest daughter here too children are an option for me too not many benefits to it and the men don’t help so
This is me
My mind has just been blown. I was the oldest by 5 years, with a younger brother and sister. When my mother was hospitalized when I was 11, I was responsible for watching the younger ones and doing the housework. I still managed to make the honor roll. It is wonderful to hear that I am not alone. This is a real syndrome. I heard, "You're the oldest. You should know better," when I'd never been taught. And I knew way more about my parents' private life than I needed to know. Thank you for addressing this.
My parents found out I was sexually harassed by a stranger. Their only reaction was anger that I hadn't told them myself... because: "WHAT IF IT HAD HAPPENED TO YOUR SISTERS!!!!??"
...?
It felt like they were more distressed by it hypothetically happening to their 12 year old than it actually happening to their 14 year old.
Geez! This is disgusting.
Hugs to you.
That's so fucked up.
💞🫂
😢 sorry that happened
That is just not right!
Eldest daughter =100% accountability, 0% authority.
No further words necessary
100% ACCURATE!!!
Nailed it!
same for eldest son
Baby sit younger children. Be responsible for everything they do. Have zero authority and get yelled at or grounded when they tell on you for "being mean" or "staring too much".
Be 12 years old at the time.
Is it just me, or do younger siblings have "standards" for other people where eldest daughters have "strategies" for dealing with people?
I think you've got something there. I'm an eldest daughter, and the manager in one job commented that I was "really good with a**holes", so assigned all those clients to me. Were they grateful, did they give me any positive comments on the feedback forms? Of course not. And the company insisted that we "delight" the customers. Didn't happen.
Yes
I can relate to that. But positively. My younger sister has high standards 😊. Which I find funny and sometimes annoying.
I think you nailed it. Enlightening. Still now, at 69, I'm unwrapping the threads that entangled me from childhood. Learning more it seems every day that would have been SO HELPFUL to understand better decades ago. 1st born child of an unstable, emotionally unavailable narcissistic mother who was remarkably genius (often cruelly so) and a loving stable genius Dad who unintentionally caused me serious abandonment issues due to his engineering work that frequently kept him long hours and would transfer him to other locations causing us to move 22 times in 20 different states before I was in Junior High School. Having to live without Dad for weeks or months to finish a school year before moving us be with him was brutal. As an overachiever I still could never measure up to my mother's demands while she was more lenient with the younger siblings. As a brunette I began having white hairs at 15. Stress. By age 25 I had to stop pulling them out and colored my hair to hide that my hair was rapidly turning white. I was made to believe that I had to "fix" my mother and appease her freaky fast changing moods. I became a people pleaser, fawned, and accommodated her never ending demands and frightening emotional outbursts and cruel physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Thank God for the strength He gave me to get through it and survive. Amazingly, everyone around remarked what a happy go lucky good natured sweet child I was. Well of course I was, I was thrilled to be OUT of the house away my mother, or at least knowing that she dare not appear anything else but the perfect person in public. 😂 Yip. I could not be a child then. Now I can be... whenever I like. Free and happy, won't allow anyone to steal my joy! God bless all of you who can relate to any of this, too, sisters. Hugs.
@@MNknoyounger one here and I had the same experience
I freaking hate being the eldest daughter. So much pressure, so much trauma 😔
From one eldest daughter to another i see you,i hear you...sending you hugs sis! We gat this
Yup. Even in my late 40s my mother called me to tell me I needed to find a lawyer, and phone them to make an appointment for my "little" brother, who was only 40 years old, so obviously couldn't manage to do that himself. Life has improved so much since I ditched my toxic family.
Dealing with my brother’s property tax bill and the home insurance. He is 70 🙄
I ditched my toxic family too. I feel great
Yep. From a family of eight. 🖐️ Scapegoated child. I liberated myself at 62 last year. Had an epiphany on my last visit looking at photos of growing up.
Agree! Whew, life is so less negative and little to no toxic!
Omg this sounds so familiar to me. The boys are helpless in my family. I’m the oldest of us 6 (3 girls and then the 3 boys in that order). I was responsible for running the dairy farm all summer with my younger sister when I was 12. I milked the 50 cows while she did the feeding, our dad was working road construction 4 hours away. I was always out in the barn or the fields doing work that was more for a grown man than a super skinny little girl. Our dad was a Vietnam vet and was very volatile and we were so scared of him and to make any mistakes. I feel like I was way overworked compared to normal kids and then mom would go ahead and sign me up to babysit for the neighbors even though I never had a damn minute to myself. I will admit it and say that my mental health has been terrible most of my life with a lot of depression and anxiety and never really feel like I fit in anywhere. I had to quit working as a nurse by age 42 because of my body falling apart from back problems and arthritis. It’s hard to not feel some resentment when I can’t earn my own money anymore at the prime of my life where my wages would be quite high if I were still able to work. My family has no understanding of how I feel and I don’t come around as much as the others do who are still getting help with things that I would never dare to ask for. I feel guilty even writing on here in case someone figures out who I am.
She described my perfectly; I'm crying and my heart is pounding because I just realized I need therapy. I had 2 hard-working stressed parents and 4 younger sibs. Started doing chores at about age 5 and by 16 I did all the laundry, meal planning and grocery shopping, and most household chores. I also had to make sure my sibs were safe, clean, had homework and chores done, and behaved appropriately. I was blamed for all that went wrong. If I complained I was told I didn't care for my family. Pros: I am the most educated (doctorate) and financially successful of my sibs. Cons: I have no children and am still helping my sibs financially. 3 sibs have children.
🫂
Something that has stuck with me throughout my entire life (I am now 35) is, whenever I did ANYTHING wrong, no matter what it was or how insignificant...I was always told that I was 'Old enough to know better' - regardless of my age.
When my 3 siblings did anything wrong, they never EVER got told that, regardless of their age.
It put this pressure on me that has followed me in my life, that when I make mistakes or do something wrong, I should know better
I so relate! People who feel like they should know better often become hyper-vigilant and defensive. I think it's better for us to relax our self-standards in that case. Grace can sometimes accomplish that which dogma cannot.
@@SongsOfRelief
Yes, and this often makes me be harder on myself (I don't know whether this is what you meant by "hyper-vigilant and defensive" ... although I don't feel particularly defensive most of the time.)
@ExtraordinaryLiving ah, yes. Agreed. By hyper-vigilant, I mean always on the lookout and worried or anxious. By defensive, I mean on the defense. When you always "should have known better" you're on the lookout for things that might trip you up, always trying to know better in advance. It can make you cynical, jumpy, self- critical.
As the eldest daughter/sibling, I kinda knew about some of these symptoms/issues, but to see them neatly laid out and explained in this video has helped me tremendously. I felt so understood and validated watching this. I'm super grateful.
Same
Over-sharing warning:
I'm male and the second sibling, but I actually relate to most of this. Some parts less extreme, some parts more.
In my case, I've always been the moderator in my family, especially when my dad made big, life-changing decisions but didn't want to talk to mum about it, he'd tell me instead, and I'd have to break the news.
They've always believed in "being honest" with us about our financial situation, so now I feel crushing guilt if anyone spends anything on me, or does anything for me.
Even when I went to university, half my time was spent fixing things at home, and the other half was spent caught in the middle of multiple friendship groups. Dad ran away, so once I finished uni, I came back home to support my mum and siblings.
I'm 29 years old and barely even know who I am, because my whole life has revolved around supporting other people, and there's mathematically no way I can get out and have a life of my own.
Don't treat your kids like adults. They're not. They're your kids, and it's your responsibility to look after them, not the other way round
I hope you have access to therapy and are able to heal
You deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life
I'm also the second oldest child and the oldest son of the family. I'm also 29 and struggling with my identity and people pleasing. I can't imagine having to fill the role of my father in his absence. That sounds incredibly heavy and exhausting! My family was and is very religious so much of the patriarchal family burden was put on my shoulders and it turned me into a nervous wreck with anxiety. It really is sad how much pressure our society puts on children to grow up and be mature. Even our schooling is designed to send children directly into labor. I dream of a day when kids can be kids and follow their authentic curiosities and wonder. It's a world we're only starting to build but I'm glad you're here. Good luck and know you're never going it alone.
@@nussknacker9827 Thank you. That means a lot :)
@dallenpowell2745 That's so rough. My family (from parents down) are all non-religious. I can understand why some people choose to be religious, but it seems to cause so much unnecessary suffering, especially for today's children. Can't believe how many parents choose the rephrasing of a thousand year old book over listening to their kids actual needs
Even though it may feel like you are living in the shadow of your Fathers irresponsibility, you are more of a man. Best wishes.
Boy did I relate to this video. I never understood before why I was such a people pleaser and always put myself last. I grew up always trying to achieve so much to prove my worth. My younger brother said I was “ bossy”. I always had trouble saying no to others and felt badly if I did. I grew up in the fifties 2 younger brothers, worked through high school, bought all my own clothes. My Dad was 😢away in the military a lot and being the oldest my Mother took a lot of her frustrations out on me. It has taken me years to learn to make myself count, learn to say no and stop letting myself be used by others. I now have a supportive husband Of 33 years and I can be me. I used to please others at the expense of my own happiness but am finally learning to set boundaries. Thankyou for this topic that makes perfect sense to me and helps me understand myself better. ❤
That was my life. If I said something to my folks because I was overwhelmed and needed to do homework or study, I got lectured, yelled at and hit for complaining, and told I was spoiled for having complained. My mother told me her house was my first priority, and so were her children. I had to parent my siblings and was the one who woke up and took my sister to school. I had to be there for them and couldn't just be a kid. My parents never acknowledged that and made me feel guilty for ever saying anything. Thank you for posting this. I don't feel alone anymore and know that I'm not crazy now for feeling the way I do.
I relate to your comment so much. I spent a lot of childhood feeling overwhelmed & guilty without understanding why. My mom also called me “spoiled.” It’s interesting how often that word is used to invalidate childhood emotions.
@@tjc4331 right? Especially when one or both of your parents are narcissists. They love to gaslight and invalidate you so that they can absolve themselves of guilt for making you the patent and abandoning there responsibility.
Yes, how hypocritical to call a child "spoiled" when all they did was feed, clothe and put a roof over your head. No hugs, the threat of physical harm constantly present, emotional abuse and neglect. Might as well have been cattle in the barn, but even cattle get a pat once in awhile.....
My dad thinks I have to be perfect as if he is. He isn't He's still this way. I'm not good enough, or is anything I do. . He's a perfectionist. He nitpicks. I'm 60 and so fed up with his unsolicited opinions/lectures/controlling tone.
I’m sorry you went through this. I feel like as a parent I made a lot of mistakes, but I hope I didn’t go this far.
Like water for chocolate was a film I related to. I had to work in my dad’s business when I was 12 years old.he paid me less than minimum wage. I worked a 12 hour day every Saturday and 9-10 hours every Sunday. During the school year and every day during school breaks.The first time I was left alone with my baby sister I was about 7. I would do the grocery shopping by taking a radio flyer wagon and walking to the store. There was always too much responsibility on me, while my parents under functioned. They stole my childhood. I took the brunt of their frustration and was expected to be there for everyone and do everything while never being cared for myself. When I was 13-14, my parents told me I would be the one to take care of them in their old age. They forced me to go to nursing school and crushed my dreams of being an artist. I haven’t spoken to them in 33 years. There’s no room in my life for toxic and selfish. I live on my terms now. Still working through all of the damage, but I’m free.
My heart goes out to you. My respect to you. I am so glad that you are taking care of you.
I'm so happy that you're free now. ❤
I always felt more like an appliance than a human. I help everyone else but when they don't need me, I may as well not exist.
Same. Hugs ❤🥰❤
You have put a word to how I felt / feel: An appliance.
🥲😞😢 You’ve described my life.
You have just explained my whole life and why i have been so angry over the last year. I was processing my resentment. I cant thank you enough for making me feel normal and that i am not alone.
I am ALL OF THESE and struggle with the anger that comes from being in this position.
Thank You! I wish I could give more! Ok raised my sister from (I was 5 she was 2) didn't know this until she came out of intense therapy/rehab had 2 children of her own , she informed me much of her problems were because "I abandoned her" when I married (I was 16 she was 12) 😭 I've never been the same.
Parentification is damaging, causing major problems, trauma, and is crushing.
This!
As the eldest daughter and child i want to add if you set boundaries you people will knock them down in two seconds with varying excuses.
True
Eldest child and eldest daughter of a single disabled mom household. I was also the eldest of my dad's new family after the divorce.
I did all the cooking, cleaning, babysitting, therapy for my single mom and was family mediator.
I moved out at 19 and while I still go visit my family, I'm much better mentally on my own.
I have found that I still play the role of eldest daughter in other parts of my life. I'm only happy when I feel useful and can help others.
It's been hard to create boundaries.
we're so similar omg,,, I was the eldest and only child of a single disabled mom, and the eldest of 3 when my dad remarried. At my mom's house I used to cook, clean, do most of the chores, put myself on the bus, and let myself in after school. I also used to try and console her during her mental health episodes. At my dad's house I used to pay more attention to my siblings' interests than he did. Looking back I can't believe I used to be proud of how independent I was :(
@@LDXRealReal. I’m only now disgusted at how I’ve been proud all my life of how “responsible” I was. It was never a good thing.
Some of these things I’ve known for a while, but never have I had it laid out so clearly all in one place. I am an oldest daughter and have an oldest daughter. Some mistakes I haven’t repeated, but if I’m honest there are traps I feel susceptible to falling into with expectations of my eldest daughter. I feel like I’ve only begun to start to unravel the tangled up mess. This is why I am struggling right now in many areas, the expectations, people pleasing, resentment, and resulting isolation. Thank for presenting this so thoroughly.
I felt so betrayed after mending and reconnecting with my family. When my mom said 'That's your fault that no one does anything on Xmas or special occasions because you 'never let anyone help', I was crushed. For years I would cook an insane dinner. Beef wellingtons (Vegan wellingtons when my sister became vegan), all the trimmings, turkeys. All I was trying to do was create some kind of tradition and closer family. No one would have bothered to come out of their rooms or even be home if I hadn't. I cooked 'family' dinners since I was 14 after my dad left to make sure that my two younger siblings ate something homecooked. We also always had stray kids that had worse family situations that would stay with us for periods of time.
I feel you, and understand where your coming from. Despite having an older step sister, I always found myself in that role. She was the one that cooked, but she pushed back and then got married so I had to start cooking. I was 13 and it was the start of covid. So essential everything full onto me. We usually have a maid that helped around, but since it was online, we couldn’t. And so I was cooking full time for 6 family members. And one if the most stab in the heart thing my parents ever told me was the thing you’ve heard. “This x event went terrible cause you never let anyone help.” We have done our best, and continue to do so. And I see your heard work darling!
Dang that whole “that’s your fault” because you “ never let anyone help” was mad triggering for me to read! It’s been exactly 2 months since I blocked my mom and haven’t spoken to her. I feel so much better for it though!❤ sending you care! I get it!
Lots of love to you, girls❤ We will survive:) we've already been through a lot. Though learned helplessness caused by excessive responsibility and lack of encouragement is a real thing - look into it in case not to get stuck with you own lives
Did you not ask for help with cooking? Even as my children became adults, I asked them what they wanted to contribute to big meals. This gave them the option to make something or buy it.
Stray kids are real and it is good to hear you took some in. You may never know how your kindness might affect them later in life. I try to volunteer, donate to shelters, police because I was a stray kid too at one time. Usually, they want to help out too. Taking a management class might help?
This is a very real and serious wound.
I was cooking dinner, cleaning and taking care of everybody at the age of 7. I was parentified and neglected, my efforts were never recognized because "everybody has to help" except that I was the only one helping, I never got an "I love you" because "People only say that on TV!". The Results? I resent my parents even tho they're dead now. I don't ever want to be on a relationship or have kids. I've been on therapy for most of my adult life with a disgnosis of PTSD-C, Depression and Anxiety. Thank You very much Mom and Dad.
I started “playing with” watching my 2 year old sister at the age of 4. My last sister was born when I was 14. I have 4 younger sisters. I finally escaped my parents at the age of 21. I never had a childhood. I’m still not an adult in the eyes of my parents. I didn’t realize that you shouldn’t leave a 4 year old in charge of a mentally disabled 2 year old. Every time I asked for help I’d get in trouble, I’d get yelled at. I had no childhood, I had no teenager hood but I did have short of an adulthood until they followed me here. I personally hate my parents and all the c-ptsd they caused. No friends, no time for myself, oh and we were Morman…
My job was to entertain my three younger sisters and keep them out of trouble.
My job was to entertain my 3 younger sisters and keep them out of trouble.
I loved that I was the adult in the relationship with my siblings until I pissed off Mom for something... and then I was slapped back to being a child who was less than my siblings. I walked my siblings to school, signed school paperwork, answered all phone calls from my siblings, taught them everything I could. Mom got angry that I taught them to be more independent because my siblings wouldn't appreciate help then. If I stepped in between arguments I was told to mind my own business but constantly told about Mom's marriage problems.
I was Mormon too and I’m the oldest of five and know how you feel. for me, it was “watch over your siblings until we get back“ and then, as soon as my parents came home, I was expected just flipped that off and not try and interfere in my brothers arguing and then would be yelled at to mind my own business that I wasn’t the parent but I was mad that I was stuck in charge of kids for all the time but then turn around and being yelled at just because they were home I wasn’t supposed to be involved anymore it sucked know how you feel I am so sorry for your pain and wish you the best on your journey. Sending hugs and good vibes.
Hugs! I was the oldest daughter of 13 kids in a Mormon household and was asked to rinse shitty cloth diapers in the toilet at age 9. I babysat and had to be like a second mother. Teachers in elementary school always asked me how many babies I was going to have, AS IF!!
gosh you made me cry my heart out. actually, i have just discovered this thing knowing i am the eldest i just came here. and just now i realized how damaged i am. thank you so much my lady
I am the youngest brother, and was the adult child responsible for taking care of my older brother and the responsibilities of the house, dealing with problems, and even being my mother‘s best friend to deal with her horrible divorce and the shoulder to cry on when she got breast cancer, and even drive her to treatments. My brother never did any of those things I have all of the symptoms you are describing in this video and I’m a man.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve this. People sometimes call this "eldest daughter syndrom", but the right term is "a parentified child" because it's more inclusive.
@@ems.master Thank you for your very thoughtful, supportive and informative reply.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. ❤
I see you. I was the eldest girl (guess I still am), but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to boys too. I’m sorry you didn’t get to have a childhood. ❤️♥️❤️
If you acted like an older sibling then you fit the bill, join the club. 💪
I experienced all of the 8 signs... But one year ago I started to make some changes... I needed this video. Thank you.
Me too! It reaffirms what my therapist helped me sort out 10 years ago.
Omg, omg! This was informative but it was also painful to hear. I was made responsible for siblings since I was 5 years old. When y was 5, mother had me babysit my 3 year old brother while she got her hair done. When he refused to listen to me while she was gone and broke her lamp, I was spanked (not him) and not given dessert that night because I failed to be responsible for my brother while she was gone...and also late getting home.
When my grandfather was dying (which lasted 4 1/2 years) my mother went to help with him 3 days a week. Those were school days and began when I was 11 years old. It was my responsibility on those days to help my siblings with their homework (while getting mine done), cook dinner for them and my stepfather, clean the dishes, make sure everyone got their baths and dressed for bed and, if she stayed later, make sure everyone went to bed when they were supposed to. I was to make sure that my stepfather wasn't 'burdened' with any of this after a 'hard day at work making sure we had a roof over our head, etc."
I could go on and on, these were just the first two things that came to mind... and I'm 62 and still struggling. God I'm tired!
I hope your sibling appreciate your caring for them . Treat yourself now . ❤
🫂
Well this hit a nerve!!! Childhood is a long way behind me but I still automatically “read the room” and make sure I’m not doing or saying anything that might cause upset (I’ve caught myself doing that with psychologists and counsellors!). I remember my emotions happy or sad had to fall in line with my mother’s otherwise I was “being heartless” if she was sad and I was happy or excited about something and conversely, “bringing her down” if the reverse was happening. My siblings were referred to by myself and my parent/s as “the kids” and I was in some weird secondary mother limbo. When they were little my brothers called me Mummy. I ended up in a three decade relationship with a narcissistic man-child, but I managed to get out and forge my own path. There is an upside though, I have been level-headed, great in a crisis, fiercely independent with recognised leadership skills since I left home at 16 and so much more!!! When you can, Focus on the positive, Celebrate your strengths. You are all freaking AWESOME💪😊❤💋
Story of my life. The thing that shaped me the most is that I was responsible for the life of my mom, so I needed to make sure that she doesn’t un@live herself. Everyone including herself said that and counted on me. Now I feel responsible for every life in my life and it is exhausting
So sorry to hear that.. this was true for me, too. I think most people don't undestand how deeply such a situation affects us. I'm still in therapy for it. But hey, I think I am slowly learning to live my own life now, and that feels amazing🎉🥲
May I ask how you cope with all that? 🫂
It's completely exhausting. My "mother" occasionally still verbalized these sort of threats. I've disconnected my 1400 miles, 20 years ago...I let her know police will be on their way. She back pedals unbelievably fast. At this point, I have little to no contact with her.
@@noradiehl5395 I am still kinda in it but I get better because of the distance (I live now an hour away from my family) and because of therapy. I am sorry that that happend to you and I am happy to hear that you are slowly doing better ♥
@@natascha_mephisto @natascha_mephisto Yes, distance definitely helps, I can confirm that.. There's not much I can say, but I will pray for you❤️ the fact that we're here already shows that we're on the right path I guess :)
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. Yes, it is exhausting to feel responsible for everyone. Hugs to you.❤
Eldest daughter here with 3 younger brothers. And daughters were rated as zero compared to the boys. Babysit, cook, clean, you name it. Extremely strict curfews too. Neither parent ever asked me to mediate between them. That must have came later than the 1970's. I was supposed to keep three brats quiet so dad could sleep. My mom worked second shift, and my dad worked third. And they went out of their way to be loud and make messes on purpose. I was a total failure to them, but "boys will be boys" excused them for everything, and all I heard was "Why can't you be a better daughter?" When the sexual harrassment amped up, I had to leave home for a year at age 16.
I’m the oldest daughter in an extremely dysfunctional family. I can relate to much of this. My parents have both passed on, but many of those behaviors/ issues live on.
My mom’s mother died when she was 10. She became a mom to her 6 other siblings (one was an older brother). She had to drop out of school to help out around the house. She did not graduate high school yet all her siblings got to go to college. She loved her siblings and loved to see them and they cared greatly for her. Instead, she took it out on me. I had so many chores. I was in 1st grade coming home to an empty house doing laundry and getting dinner ready. At 10, I was delivering newspapers and started babysitting for my customers. They had no idea how young I was because I was so MATURE. My mother made my brother’s bed until the day he got married.
I'm not a daughter, but I was the eldest child.
1. Waking up a sibling (and making sure we're dressed, fed and off to school on time), check.
2. Being confided to by my parent about her love life and troubles, check.
3. Being an overachiever, check.
4. Loaning money to a parent to feed her (cigarette) addiction, check (I operated a recycling business).
5. Resentful of the family, check (Me: "Are these people nuts?").
6. Struggling with feelings of guilt (turning down an opportunity to stay with a family in a great school district because my family needs me) check.
7. Difficulty in adult relationships, check.
Sorry to hear that. This video calls it 'oldest daughter syndrome' but it's actually 'parentified children.' No matter the age or gender, it's bad
My brother was 30 when he suddenly said sorry to me.
Then my mum did.
After that she said that he started therapy, and it shows. Now it looks like he finally understands that I was mistreated by my parents and he was taught to do the same. I was bullied at school by my classmates, and at home - by my sibling.
We live in different countries, but now I finally have a brother, not a person who takes and never gives back. He built a relationship with my son, that often chat online. I know I can call for help and he st least will try to.
My mum doesn't want to start therapy, but she is doing her best to break the pattern. She's not perfect, but she helps a lot and it counts.
I don't communicate with my father. Never. My extended family were surprised at first, now almost no-one talks to him. Toxic and selfish, needs to look good in other people's eyes and always be praised.
I left my husband. I asked him to go back to being an adult, he told me he wanted to be a teenager again. I don't need one more child, I already have two to take care of. It's hard, but it pays off. I am happy. I am free. I am a better me now.
9:34 Manipulate is WAY too strong of a word. Manipulate: "Control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously."
It is a negative word that connotes engaging in unethical behavior to get someone to act against their best interest.
People pleasing to avoid conflict & get treated right is definitely dysfunction but absolutely not manipulative. Frankly im shocked your therapist said that.
1) Because it was categorically the wrong word
2) All human interactions involve monitoring the other person's mood and acting in a way that facilitates them having a desirable emotional response. Ex. I see you twinge, realize Ive said something that makes you uncomfortable, I steer away from the subject, and then act more polite/sanitized for the rest of the interaction
Oh thank god it's not just me who thinks this 😅
Like I think I understand the point that Ms Kati and her therapist are trying to make, and I wouldn't be surprised if the therapist had purposely used the word "manipulate" to make a point to her client, but referring to it as "manipulation" is definitely overkill for the average non-therapist person.
Imo it could even be detrimental to classify people pleasing as manipulative bc for some ppl, being a people-pleaser is their only method of self protection. Like if they're in an abusive relationship with someone physically larger and stronger than themselves, and can only use placation or distraction to prevent themselves from being hurt. If someone who is in that situation sees this, they might take the negative connotation of "manipulate" to mean that their defense is immoral or something to be ashamed of, which can leave them more vulnerable to their abuser bc they've lost a tool to protect themselves. Or if the abuser themselves sees this, they may use it to bully or shame their victim, or as an excuse to increase their abusive actions, or even to gaslight their victim into accepting the abuse bc they """deserve it""".
To be clear, I'm not saying that being a people-pleaser is a good thing, or that if you recognize that behavior in yourself, you should just accept it or ignore it or whatever. But I think using a loaded word like "manipulation", while it can be helpful for someone educated about mental health, is not AT ALL helpful for a regular person who hasn't had that advantage.
No hate to Ms Kati! I just think that she could have done better to leave that info out, and use a more specific AND less loaded term to explain WHY being a people-pleaser isn't healthy for ppl to aspire to. It's not good for us, but we shouldn't be ashamed, bc this sort of mentality often comes from being abused or neglected, and that's not our fault. I say this as an inveterate people-pleaser lol, it's something I have been struggling with since I was a kid. I'm not gonna blame myself or call myself manipulative for doing whatever it took to survive. It wasn't my fault that some of the ppl in my life let me down. So it's not my fault that I had to find creative ways to look after myself, within my personal limitations of disability, mental illness, and physically small stature.
It's kinda like an old school RPG you know? Everyone gets a weapon that suits their class. The warrior has an axe, the rogue has a dagger, and the bard.....has a magical guitar 😅
@@bbo7002 🎯
The "cleverly" part is throwing me off because I do not think manipulation necessitates intention, or intention to harm. It is just "unjust" for the fact that you are not being your authentic self, so they don't get a chance to interact with or respond to the real you. I can definitely see where my people pleasing is a form of manipulation because I would not address the issue and placate them to avoid conflict. As a result, people never get to see my real thoughts and values and a lot of times I feel that I have come across as "fake". Like nothing ever phases me. I notice sometimes that other people have big reactions to things that I may respond to with a just a facial expression. Manipulation can definitely be a way to protect yourself but that doesn't mean you can't call it what it is.
@@jessicapeyton5444 I gave you the dictionary definition.
I never understood (consciously) why I am always the life coach to most everyone I know, and the extraordinary people pleaser that I am. I am always the one to ask for a text to make sure people made it home safe. I am the one to “take care of” and ensure others are happy at parties and gatherings. Boundaries are nebulous at the best of times. I am the eldest daughter, granddaughter, and grandchild. This was a revelation. Thank you so much for this video!
Same here-
I’m the eldest daughter who eventually went NC with my adoptive family because of all of the things mentioned and then some. I’m nearly 50 and still feel guilt when I have to establish boundaries. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have them even into adulthood.
I struggle with everything mentioned. I cryed my heart out when I turned 17. I knew being an actual child was gone. I hadn't even been one and I grieved for that longing of being a carefree child. I'm the oldest of 3 girls. My 2 younger sisters didn’t get our parents in the era I did. They will never truly understand where I'm coming from. Insist on how I should forgive and forget. I've tried so hard but at every turn both parents are still doing or saying hurtful things. I was always made to feel like there was no love or patience for me. I was just to carry the load of chores and childrearing. Two things that do stand out to me. Are that I can't take a compliment. Nor am I good at receiving any gifts. I just shut down at both. Makes me feel horrible but I'd never truly felt worthy of anything. I love doing those two things for others. I even feel guilty when buying myself anything.
I'd get asked why no kids. Well It had to do a lot with how I had no childhood. I'm in my mid 30's and pregnant now. But it was a very hard decision. I've told my husband of 14yrs that knowing he will be the father (& I the mother) we both never had has definitely helped me. Pray for our baby girl she has to be taken to the NICU as soon as she's born. She'll be receiving life support treatment for her Congenital diaphragmatic hernia. 🥺
Females are "supposed" to be nurturing and are socialized/encouraged to be so. I know I was.
Also, I would say I USED to have these traits but I burned out a few years ago. I gave up. I figured if I kept expectations low, I'd never have to maintain a high standard when I didn't have the energy for it. Life is quieter and lonelier now, but overall easier.
This video was so, so healing! After suffering for so many years in silence, I feel someone finally validated my feelings and allowed me to move forward. I did theraphy but never had such a clear insight on this topic and guidance.
Thank you, Kati! You are an awesome gift to the world and your work matters so much! I pray that the Universe gives back to you as much as you have given ❤
I really did grow up feeling other people came first, often to my detriment.
Eldest daughter here. When I was 10, I was the one getting up at 2, 4, and 6am to take care of and feed my youngest brother. My parents abdicated their responsibility to me from that point on. Always responsible for everyone else and resentful about it. And it's carried over to adulthood - constantly wanting to help to feel needed. Thank you so much for this video.
I’m the eldest daughter and I can identify with this. I have a sibling who has a disability. Once I was old enough I was expected to be home and take care of him and my younger siblings. Refusing was considered selfish. As an adult I’m always the one to call on when someone needs something. Never mind, I have three siblings who are perfectly capable of stepping in but I’m the one everyone calls. They never call unless they need something. . I’m absolutely burned out from caring for everyone’s needs.
Ignore the calls
I also am am oldest daughter with a sibling with special needs. My other siblings do not step in. I feel bad, but I moved out three years ago and am not putting pressure on myself to be able to care for my brother. I am not his mom. Keep on keeping on.
For 10 years I attempted to set boundaries with my parents, had my child almost 9 years ago and the whole time they disregarded my boundaries. I was clear in what I needed for myself and my child and they thought it was a game.
I cut them all out of my life last May. It wasn't easy, although I set the intention a year ago that I was walking away and it gave me the chance to forgive them and pray and forgive in my own space. ❤
Eldest daughter here....Thank You for this!! Each and every one of the 8 signs hit home for me. My Mom was the youngest child in her family, and, growing up, I often felt (and still do) it was my responsibility to support her emotionally, while helping out with my two younger sisters. (I wonder if those dynamics played into my sense of responsibility also). I care for my Mom now in her old age with little to no support from my sisters....they live far from me. I just hate my resentment and guilt. Would be so interested in learning more!
Where is your dad?
You can take surprise visit your sisters with your mother and give yourself a break,suggest a nursing home with the other siblings and your mother chipping in... the resentment will only grow if you keep abandoning yourself and your needs .
yeah, it is a type of parenting problem
@@jeremyeblack4987 My dad passed away 6 years ago.
Yeah my mom was the youngest of 6 sibilings. She often justified how my childhood was because when she was a kid all her siblings took care of her and she would go non about how she was the favorite and her parents loved her best. When my grandmother died I ended up becoming both the mother of my brother and both the mother to my mom. She would even say your just like my mom. Fast forward I am behind in live since I dedicated my life as caregiver and thought my only purpose was to care and take of everyone.
I am an eldest child also with trauma...and had to go through all of this, but didn't have the backlash of a parent saying anything bad… I always think a lot of times these things are put in boxes and if you had a lot of responsibilities you must feel abused and have been told bad things...but I hope I'm not alone In feeling like I was grateful for having these responsibilities because things are much easier for me to deal with as an adult. I see people with a lot of stress and anxiety... And I'm truly grateful that I learned very early to acclimate to things so they are not so 1:43 stressful to me now.. I do feel sad, because I've known a lot of people that have felt pressured from being the oldest, but I always loved Knowing that people felt comfortable having me take care of things and truly appreciated them...
My youngest sister accused me of abandoning them when I left home, so they had to cope with the parents on their own. I was shocked and deeply hurt, but obviously, she thought it would have been my responsibility to protect them.
To me it felt like she didn’t think I had the right to have a life of my own.
WOW! I know how you feel. Recently, my mom told me my younger brother( who has a disability) was angry at me for getting married. She also chewed me out for not protecting my younger sibling when he was physically abused by a teacher. I was eight years old at the time. She said it was my responsibility.
Same. I joined the Army straight out of high school. My younger siblings hated me for it. They got over it when they could "borrow" money. I stopped giving them money after our mother died and they both got married. They don't talk to me now.
Also same. My youngest sibling has said those exact words to me. Even now, we're all adults now, and I still fill the mom role with them
Oldest child/daughter here and yes to everything said. Immature parents, my mom used me as her confidante for marriage difficulties, always responsible for my three siblings. Given no care/help when I had my kids. Went through a whole divorce without any calls from my mom, even though my young self helped her through hers. I’m 50 now, she still doesn’t see me as an equal. I did better with my daughter!
This is exactly what my parents did to my sister. So sad. 😞
Please, show her this video and give her a support. Her childhood was stolen. I am the oldest sister, I wish my sister could recognize this. :-( But she thinks that it is ok for the oldest child to "slave" for the family.
I always felt terrified that something would happen and it would be my fault. Don’t worry, Gail will take care of it. I’m 70 and I still feel responsible and guilty for moving away 15yrs ago. 3 brothers 2 sisters and I still get told I left them……” You don’t care about family”. I was babysitting since I was 4. My 2 sisters were born when I was 13 & 14. I had to take them everywhere with me so much that some people used to say it was disgraceful…..at my age……..they thought they were mine. I am still feel responsible, even though I’m no longer there.
This is me. My younger sisters have left the country and I’m left responsible for my, now 93 year old mum, who looks on me as a sister/best friend. She doesn’t acknowledge that I’m 30 years younger.
I hear you! My father expected me, a wife and mom/ business owner/homeschooling teens, to suddenly move into his home to care for my dying mom, until she died, because I was the eldest daughter. Also, we were not told of her illness until weeks before. Also because "that is what oldest daughters have to do or why did I even have you?" My own family and I did push through that, getting mom into a safe place for her final weeks, but oh the drama.for not doing all the right things that I "Should have KNOWN were my responsibility." Yes, boundaries went up quickly!
I'm an eldest daughter, and I can't remember most of my childhood so I can't really relate to the early points that Kati have mentioned. But I teared up at the last part. 17:39 It just shows that I could be struggling with these in the past, but I can't really remember because my brain might be trying to suppress those memories... Thanks Kati. ❤
My 73 year old mother suffers from this greatly, and unfortunately, it’s morphed into a world class case of martyr syndrome.
Mine as well
@@lieselottewalz5130 🫶🏻
Same
She grew up in a different time when women could not even talk about how they felt, it was totally unacceptable to have a problem with things that people would get support for now.
My mom is in her late 50's, and same. She's literally disabling herself by refusing to rest. It's maddening.
I didn't know this condition had a name. To anyone watching, it is easy to think you have changed a behavior by removing yourself from the situation. But if you don't work on the behavior and yourself you will fall right back into it. It took me over forty years to realize this. And even now 20 years later I still have to monitor my behavior. It never really goes away.
Sheesh. Very relatable. Girls are strong as hell, and get taken advantage of for it. I'm the only daughter, and younger sibling of 2, but I remember even as an 8 year old when my mom officially passed away (she had been sick for 2 years), I was handing tissues to my dad & brother and telling them it would be alright, "mom's not in pain anymore" kind of stuff. No one checked in with me and my feelings. I just cried to myself at night when they weren't around.
Then a couple years later at 9-12 when my brother was doing drugs & also experiencing life ending feelings, I was the person bandaging his self-inflicted wounds, bringing him an upchuck bucket, & starting at 11, saving lunch money for his bus rides (or who knows what else since he was using) when dad kicked him out/he left permanently.
I also was the person who was changing my father's wounds when he had a large incision in his stomach that needed packed bandages changed daily, when I was 12, despite him having another wife and my Aunt living in the house at the time. But I had to be "the nurse" and take care of it. And anytime my Aunt didn't cook, dinner was on me.
Love to all the other daughters given too much responsibility too young. ❤
As the eldest daughter I identify with being parentified and scolded for the behavior of my siblings because I was suppose to take care of them and scolded for having boundaries as to what was mine and not giving them up for siblings that wanted to use them, even clothing. I was always suppose to know better. I was suppose to take care of everyone's feelings in the family while not allowed to have feelings or needs. I was a people pleaser and need to work on it. I had a vulnerable narcissistic mother and the very traits as an eldest daughter attracts narcissistic relationships with takers. I also struggle to get into feminine energy as a woman, the receiving energy. Thank you so much for your message. I have uncovered trauma around my childhood, reamed out for not taking care of others 1st, called selfish if I said no to siblings. I felt invisible at times just filling a role and I became scared to be seen because I was the one my parents could ream out for not being good enough or perfect, not meeting their expectations
Yeah, me, too. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, you name it. At 10 years old, I was fielding calls from bill collectors and helping my mother balance the check book. I could mix any cocktail they wanted, including a "mean" White Russian. Not to mention getting good grades, so they would be proud of me. During my teenage years, my mother told me that my 17 year old boyfriend had propositioned her. My younger sibling was taking drugs and shoplifting. HE got taken to a psychiatrist. But as for me, if I was still doing the chores, they told me I was fine. In reality, I was suicidal. I "ran away" though I was an adult at 19. I lived with a friend, and my mother literally ran her car off the road. Then, they threatened me with commitment to a mental hospital because I was "promiscuous and unbalanced." Finally, I saved enough money to fly to North Carolina. My first husband was in the Navy in Virginia. I asked him to drive down and we were married there because the legal age for marriage was 16. My folks called his commanding officer and tried to get him thrown in the brig. It was a nightmare, and in many ways, though I'm 74, parts of it still are.
That's awful
I hope your relationship / marriage wasn't abusive.
Usually we get trapped in abusive relationships
when we're desperate and trying to escape .
I hope you're doing well now after all those decades
I wish I were able to give you a big hug and adopt you as my granny
I hope you're safe, happy and loved now by wonderful people
@@nussknacker9827 Unfortunately, it was. My husband abandoned me with a 6 year old and an 18 month old. He cheated on me throughout our marriage. It took years, and lots of therapy, some good, some bad, to be told that I was not crazy and what I wanted out of life was "reasonable." Remarried at 30, and that relationship had its ups and downs, too, of course. I've come far, I hope, but I still have far to go.
This was my life as the eldest daughter. What I did figure out for myself and has help is not to make decisions based on fear or guilt. I takes a bit of practice but it is also very liberating.
Now that I’m 28 years old with two kids by the time I was 23, I can see that the ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ is the reason why I stayed close to home & ending up creating a whole new family to have to care for. Last year I had an epiphany that if I hadn’t been consumed with offering my energy to my parents I would have gone away from the state for college, I can see now I was never thinking of myself & that’s why my life is the way it is now.
It took the unconditional love of my children to break me out of these patterns, & im so proud of the woman I have become since my first born child at 21, and I’m excited to continue building towards the woman I know I can be !
It feels good to accept that this isn’t “just the way it is” like I was meant to believe, like I was told. I am free to know I have room for growth ! That was something I never thought I’d have !
Im eldest daughter of 5 siblings. This video and comments hit spot on. I struggled with myself, relationship, and how to properly raise my 3 little humans. Not long ago "months", ive finally took that step back to recognize on how to heal in a healthy way. This video helped so much.
i relate to ‘eldest daughter syndrome’. i was never a daughter. i was essentially another a parent.. at times the only parent. with saying that, caring for my family is a privilege and i feel lucky to have siblings and parents, because some don’t, but there are times i do wish i could have come first, aside from being born.
I'm the oldest daughter and I had kids ( siblings) on my hip as long as I can remember.
When I couldn't pull through and failed at something- my mother was EXTREMELY ABUSIVE!!
I left by choice at 13yo. The court placed me in a girl's home.
My mother was so mad because I went against her, she made sure the family never forgave me. I wasn't allowed and even still 40 years later- I'm not allowed to visit anyone.
' mother' made sure to get the last word.
As for the rest of my family , it's still hurts -but I moved on years ago
No matter how many times I tried to defend myself, nobody listened because my mother made sure that since I was a kid, that I wasn't credible and should not be believed
I stopped punishing myself by almost begging my family to 'love me'. I am still working on getting my power back, but its still very hard at my age..
You got this love 💗 keep living and loving on you. You matter first remember that 💯
You're okay
🫂❤
Oldest daughter here❤ thankful for this video
As the eldest daughter in my family, your list resonated with me - every topic you touched on. Regarding journaling, it's one of the greatest gift I've ever given myself. By journaling, I have been able to put together pieces of relationships over the years to see the patterns that emerged. Disturbing once brought to the light.
Oldest daughter/child of 8 kids. I have 6 younger brothers, and my only little sister was born when I was 16. People are baffled as to why I can't stand other people's kids, and I say simply, because I've been a mother since birth. I remember changing my brothers diapers when I was 4-5. I was a perpetual babysitter, chauffeur, I cooked meals, I was in charge of dishes (we didn't have a dishwasher) and I got punished with extra cleaning because "I did it better" but really it was just conditioning my brothers that weaponized incompetence works. We were homeschooled, so I remember helping my siblings with homework, helping put kids down for naps, folding laundry that wasn't mine etc. I have oldest daughter syndrome times a million. Unfortunately, I was also scapegoated in my family, so I have been no contact, and its probably the best thing I've ever chosen for myself. Take care of yourselves oldest daughters!!
🫂
I’m sending this to my mom. She’s absolutely struggled with this for a long time. She’s expressed all of these frustrations to me, especially recently with her sister’s TBI and my grandmother’s worsening dementia. She’s always had to be the responsible one and it’s exhausting for her ☹️ she recently told me “if your grandpa has to stop driving I feel like my life will be over. I’ll be a taxi driver”. My aunt’s TBI has also left her incredibly resentful and frustrated because my Aunt was a terrible patient and all her worst traits turned to 11. Like insult to injury she told my mom how much she hates her and that she can’t tell her what to do and how much my mom is always perfect and thinks she’s better than her. She just had to take the verbal abuse because it was the brain injury talking and it was still my mom’s job to take care of her anyways. It pissed me off so much on her behalf. Literally everything she’s done and sacrificed her whole life just thrown in her face.😤 she broke down and called me in tears basically venting about everything you talked about in this video expressing that for once she wants to be looked out for and taken care of and it’s not fair she has to be the responsible one every day.
As an eldest daughter/sibling i extremely relate to all that
Ok I feel like someone just throat punched me…..I have never heard of eldest daughter syndrome.
But I feel all of this…and I’m almost 50. Though I have done a lot of healing and do not experience many of these behaviors anymore, I can now see the connections between many things and the reasons I choose to be there.
And why I’m struggling with my emotions of anger and the anxiety that causes me to not be physically able to speak when I have absolutely no other choice than to ask for help and make my doctors understand what I’m experiencing in my body. It’s frustrating beyond all end that I physically can’t speak. And I can see the connection from the eldest daughter syndrome to the 20 years of having to deal with spinal issues and mobilityproblems to the point of disability and then having to ask for help. I need to journal now thank you so much for posting this. This is a great topic for me to work on myself and heal through this.
My mom was the eldest daughter who died when I was 11, after her death the crown was automatically given to me. Even though my mom's youngest sister who was in her late 20s still lived with her mother, I was expected to help my grandmom babysit my toddler cousins b'cos I was the eldest granddaughter.
What hurts most is once my cousins would return to their home and I was not needed my grandmom did not want me around. Not once my contributions acknowledged by her or my cousins' parents. My cousins went on to have successful lives while I still struggle with scoliosis and other mental health issues. I still hate them even though I've not seen them in nearly 20 years.
I wish I was smarter and not been so damn conscientious. It's never worth putting other people's well-being before
your own. Prioritize you.
You were a child. A kind and thoughtful one. Please give yourself some grace. ❤ no one else seems to have.
@@InnerGiggles Thank you for your validating words. It does take time to overcome this hidden abuse. As a child, you want to help and be kind but your kindness and naivety are exploited. Knowing what we went through was abuse and wrong is the beginning of our healing journey.
❤🥰❤
As the oldest and only daughter I see myself in what you are saying. I could write a book ... I basically gave up my life for my family... My reward was watching my brother's get their own cars, get sent to college...the perks never ended for them... Clearly, at almost 79 years old, it's pretty late to rectify any of this...but I can take care of myself and try to have a good life in the time I have left.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining this... now I understand myself better. I hope your work helps people to be better human beings, better parents, and help us heal who was not fortunate enough to have a loving childhood.
I can relate to all of the 8 traits you mentioned…the hardest being setting boundries and experimenting such levels of anxiety. I’ve felt responsible for the well being of my “Nuclear family” up until a few months ago… and Im 56! This EDS was engraved deeply in me although it was never based on extra home work load, I guess it was installed more on the basis of needing everyone to be ok and a little bit of being taught that others would look up to me. There might be additional examples beyond the cleaning and cooking ones…because the traits get installed deeply in morebsuttle ways. Other eldest daughters might be able to pinpoint them…one of mine was believing that I had to team up with my mother (when in her eyes, my dad came short in providing for the family) in order to pull the whole family through. I bought the concept that I was responsible of aiding any member of my family economically.
EDS has affected my relationships unbalancing them. I was ok with doing more than the otherhem if not all! I’m determined to set healthy boundries and support balanced/reciprocal relaonly as well as staying true to myself. Thank you for this video, it was validating and valuable for me.
I have C-PTSD as a result of domestic violence and was watching this for someone else... Wish you had put a trigger warning on the one where the girl was listening to DV happening outside the door.
That's me without a doubt! I was a child adult from as young as 10 years old. This video was very affirming
Wow Katie this is so validating and helpful, thank you so much 🙏❤️ I was the eldest of 3 girls who grew up with an emotionally unavailable and unstable dad, our mum having left the family when I was 8. I relate to everything you describe here. Only now, in my 40s am I having therapy and making the changes you mention. I love the tips.. honestly its the best feeling just allowing myself a treat, long bath, or doing nothing watching TV. The guilt still comes but it is less now. I married the youngest son of 5 who is described by his family as never having to do anything for himself when he was little! I'm working hard to make sure my teenage son and daughter feel equally important, appreciated, seen and valued ❤❤
The breathing bit hit me. I shared a room with my younger sister and I'd stay up till 1am on school nights often to make sure my mom got home safe. Sometimes I'd feel so horribly anxious and terrified I'd just look over to make sure she was breathing, to make sure she wasnt having nightmares, that she had blankets over her and her neck wasn't laying in a way that would hurt her later.
Katie you have a way of knocking me in my kneecap. As an eldest child of a substance misuse and mentally ill poverty stricken family I cut ties with all 3 yrs ago but the effects still linger as I reflect on my current state of life. It’s not easy to acknowledge but even more to change.
I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, and was in the driveway chopping firewood when my old country doctor came by. After scolding me for doing what he saw as my husband's work, he walked me inside and sat me down in the kitchen, and made us a pot of tea while I sobbed at his kindness.
Bingo! All 8 of your points fit me perfectly! I am the oldest of 5 children, with 16 years between myself & my youngest sibling, who considers me his 2nd "mom"! You have done an excellent job explaining the Eldest Daughter syndrome, so thank you, because I have tried to effectively explain this& haven't been able to articulate what I was responsible for in my family, that none of my siblings were expected to do! It's so frustrating & exhausting to this day & it has affected all of my relationships, including my marriage!
So thank you for talking about this topic!
There is one more thing that I experienced, which I was never told that I was responsible for, but I soon found out that my mom expected me to make sure that all of my siblings didn't get injured or hurt when we were outside playing in our neighborhood of 25 kids! But I quickly learned this the hard way when one of my younger siblings skinned their knee & went running to mom. When I walked in the door, my mom was comforting my crying sibling & I got punished & sent to my room for neglecting my responsibilities of keeping my siblings safe while we were outside playing with our own friends!
As oldest child and daughter, if my sisters got into trouble, I was punished too. This fits me so well. Thank you for publishing it. I understand myself a lot better now. I am 71, have always felt I never measured up to anything.
Watching early family videos can be instructive. As the oldest daughter I was struck by the care giving of my younger sister in a Christmas video. She was 4 and I was 8. She had received one of those plastic horses on springs that allow a child to rock and bounce. In the video I help her to climb onto the horse while my mother poses for my father with her cosmetics gift. I then put some of MY Christmas gifts, a toy gun and holster and cowboy hat on my sister so she can feel like a real cowgirl. Only after she is happy do I turn to my main gift, a microscope and isolate from everyone.
You sweet child. I can see how much you had to deal with, but I feel you and understand 💗💗
As a partner to an eldest daughter (and yes, I am the youngest son) this really hit like a freight train. Thanks for pointing out that the people pleasing comes at a huge cost - one of the issues we've had to work on is the fact that the people in the 'inner circle' of the person with EDS (usually only one or two people) are the only people that they feel comfortable asking for help from. So they end up being the default option to lean on with all those extra responsibilities, and become a 'people pleaser by proxy'.
As the eldest daughter and child, I now have no emotional connection to my parental units.
I have no emotional connection to my parental units, but a deep love for my siblings. My house was the children vs the adults.
I only have one younger brother so i honestly didn't expect to feel this called out 😅 this was all sooo helpful, especially the people pleasing part! What an eye opener. Thank you!
As the eldest i felt responsible when my mother abused my 2 years younger brother. I struggle with guilt 30 years later. We need to talk about sibling abuse.