What about youngest child? Learn more about youngest child syndrome here: 5 Signs You Have Youngest Child Syndrome ruclips.net/video/phIKn7-w_v4/видео.html
What about the true middle child? I have three older siblings and three younger siblings. I always describe my childhood as “what the oldest children wouldn’t do, and the youngest ones couldn’t do, it fell to me. I was never too old and never too young at the same time.”
As the eldest daughter, I never truly felt like a child…I felt like an adult in a child’s body. I was always told I was so mature for my age but what people didn’t realize is that wasn’t necessarily by choice.
I am the eldest of 5 siblings and the daughter of two emotionally immature parents. People ask why I don’t have kids. I was an adult for my whole childhood. Gotta heal so I didn’t pass on resentment.
I am the same. I am the eldest of three daughters and the daughter of two emotionally immature parents. I have never been able to seek out a romantic partner because I'm terrified of finding myself in that unhealthy position again. I just want to put myself first for a change.
Parents were not just emotionally stunted but manipulative also. The "friend" conversations - from both parents - were set in such a way as to make me feel privileged that _I_ was the one to whom they could confide. It was taken too far when I was told I was my brother's keeper. It felt wrong, especially when he got so many passes when I was penalized. Not sure, but that might have been the seeds of the anger which led to depression of being out of control Thought I wanted a child when I was 18. By the time I hit 25, knew there was no way I wanted to inflict that anger onto a child who couldn't fight back
@@slianyong7550 I agree it’s not good as I know my dad did not want me and I could feel his resentment. It breaks my heart to this day. I know I have self esteem issues from it.🤯
I am the eldest daughter. One thing I would add to the adult relationships section is the fear of even seeking out a romantic relationship because of the overwhelming fear of being stuck in another caregiver role.
Right. I don't ever want to marry or have children I was hoping to be able to foster teenagers to give them a better life Sadly this never became possible due to disability and terminal illness
I’ve been divorced for 12 years and kids are finally out. I don’t want to date a similarly aged man in his 60s because I know it would be only for my caretaker role
I was very unhappily married for seven years. I’m also fearful of any romantic relationship because of not only the caregiver role, but also how much stress and responsibility I feel when others are unhappy or angry. I lost myself and guilt.
This is a valid concern for an eldest daughter. I ended up getting married very young at 19 and feeling like I was perfectly capable of "fixing" my now ex-husband. He was damaged by his family physically, sexually, emotionally. He just needed someone to love him, right? He just needed someone to take care of him better than his family did, right? 12 years and three kids later and I had to tap out. Turns out that I wasn't right for the job. It's hard to fix someone who actively sabotages their own wellbeing and cannot possibly concern themselves about yours or the children's needs. Then of course the aftermath is just finding someone who is the opposite of him. So simple, right? My standards were so low though and that's no good either. I never have remarried and luckily the kids are adults now so what I thought was an urgent concern is gone. I have a better handle on what I would want in a potential future husband. Still, the scars remain.
Eldest child and eldest daughter here. I often heard...you are the oldest, you should be ashamed of yourself! You should know better. (even though I was only 19 months older than my next sibling, my brother..)
I got the same treatment, same position in the family too. Except my brother is 15 months younger than me. So on one hand we were described as “practically twins” but I’m also the eldest and therefore should know better. I’m sorry for the burdens placed upon you as a child.
Or when your sibling made the same (normal) mistakes you did and you got blamed for them. Further, if you told someone you get called a tattle tale, or if you didn't you got blamed for not saying anything. I think we were actually meant to be stand-ins for our parents so they could absolve themselves of any responsibility.
I was only 14 months older than my sister (and less developmentally because I was 10 weeks early and a micropreemie) and hard same. My mother first had me babysit my sister while she was away at 7. When my sister was 7 and I was 8, my parents wouldn't leave her home alone - but when I was 7, they'd have me babysitting her! Any misbehavior or failure on the part of my siblings was my fault. "You're the oldest, you should've helped her with her homework/stopped them/risen above the provocation/known better!" Add to doing twice the chores of any other sibling (plus my siblings' chores for them if they refused because they threw bigger tantrums and my parents didn't want to deal with them and knew they could guilt me into doing more than my share). I could go on. I didn't get to be a kid. Instead I was this bizarre kid-parent, in that whether I was a child (and therefore my opinions, wants, feelings and judgements don't matter) or an adult (and therefore held to adult expectations and responsibilities) depended entirely on my parents' convenience.
My parents found out I was sexually harassed by a stranger. Their only reaction was anger that I hadn't told them myself... because: "WHAT IF IT HAD HAPPENED TO YOUR SISTERS!!!!??" ...? It felt like they were more distressed by it hypothetically happening to their 12 year old than it actually happening to their 14 year old.
My mother would proudly tell me that I’ve been acting like a 30 year old since I was 8 years old. I still don’t understand how she thinks that’s a good thing.
I think you've got something there. I'm an eldest daughter, and the manager in one job commented that I was "really good with a**holes", so assigned all those clients to me. Were they grateful, did they give me any positive comments on the feedback forms? Of course not. And the company insisted that we "delight" the customers. Didn't happen.
I think you nailed it. Enlightening. Still now, at 69, I'm unwrapping the threads that entangled me from childhood. Learning more it seems every day that would have been SO HELPFUL to understand better decades ago. 1st born child of an unstable, emotionally unavailable narcissistic mother who was remarkably genius (often cruelly so) and a loving stable genius Dad who unintentionally caused me serious abandonment issues due to his engineering work that frequently kept him long hours and would transfer him to other locations causing us to move 22 times in 20 different states before I was in Junior High School. Having to live without Dad for weeks or months to finish a school year before moving us be with him was brutal. As an overachiever I still could never measure up to my mother's demands while she was more lenient with the younger siblings. As a brunette I began having white hairs at 15. Stress. By age 25 I had to stop pulling them out and colored my hair to hide that my hair was rapidly turning white. I was made to believe that I had to "fix" my mother and appease her freaky fast changing moods. I became a people pleaser, fawned, and accommodated her never ending demands and frightening emotional outbursts and cruel physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Thank God for the strength He gave me to get through it and survive. Amazingly, everyone around remarked what a happy go lucky good natured sweet child I was. Well of course I was, I was thrilled to be OUT of the house away my mother, or at least knowing that she dare not appear anything else but the perfect person in public. 😂 Yip. I could not be a child then. Now I can be... whenever I like. Free and happy, won't allow anyone to steal my joy! God bless all of you who can relate to any of this, too, sisters. Hugs.
Me too! My little brothers had childhoods I had responsibilities. Narcissistic mother dominated me every moment, enabler father complained about the poor quality of my attitude, constantly reminding me to be grateful they adopted me and be a happy little slave for them all. Parents passed. Now I'm expected to care for the brother who bullied and betrayed me for over 65 years. I am so very tired. Sometimes it feels so hopeless I wish I could just die 💔😣😭
I'm 68, as a child my mum dumped all her bitterness about my dad on me, now I avoid men like the plague. No husband, no boyfriends. I know men aren't all incredibly selfish like my dad but conditioning is deep...? Thanks mum. Looking after my mentally ill sister ....three brothers but it's my job....surprise, surprise!!
I can so relate to this!!! When I moved away from my family, people were telling me, " it must be hard and lonely," to the contrary, I felt that It was much easier to be on my own. For the first time, I only had to take care of myself and not everyone else.!
As the oldest child/oldest daughter I find myself thriving more when I’m away from my family and I am quick to run from overwhelming situations because I will get depressed easy and I don’t like confrontation!
I'm the youngest of six with only one sister (#3 in birth order). She's always had mental health problems for as far back as I can remember and she is now completely estranged from me and my siblings (our parents are deceased.) I never really thought about how difficult it might have been for her to take care of me when she was 8 and I was a newborn. My mother seems to have just "assigned" me to her care, and I used to wake her up all hours of the night to get me water or calm me down if I heard scary noises. She never complained.
As the eldest daughter from an abusive household it made it even worse. I was the one keeping the pieces together and taking care of everyone. Had to be my mum's therapist, caretaker for my brother and baby sister. I also started saving as soon as I started working so they could be ok. I now struggle with Bipolar Disorder, depression and anxiety and don't ever want kids. My therapist says it's because I have been a parent to everyone around me since I was a child. Eldest daughter syndrome is real.
Being my mom's therapist and sometimes feeling like I am her husband instead of my stepfather, is a lot. Everyone else brings their problems to her or to me, but she brings all of her problems to me as well. Work problems, marriage problems, financial woes...you name it. I have always been in the role of problem solver, and I always have to do for her or them whatever she can't do. I can be out of the country, and this does not change anything. It's like I am the only person who can fix whatever it is. The problem is that is usually the case, so what to do...? I can't blame them. I would ask me for help too as I am good at helping. It's just exhausting having to juggle every one's issues. I try to set boundaries, but like I also can't stand to watch things go wrong if I could step in and help or fix it...😒
I know exactly how you feel. Therapists and people say you have to "learn to say no" but it is so difficult when no was never an option growing up. They say that enables their behaviour. I want to say no and I resent them for expecting me to help but still you can't just watch people you care for suffering. I am sorry you have to have everyone's problems burdened on you. People don't realise what a toll it takes.
This was me too. My mom was a single parent and I essentially became the one to rely on, especially once my sibling was born. I was used to basically taking care of myself if my mom was too busy, and suddenly I also had a baby to console and help her with.
Yup. Even in my late 40s my mother called me to tell me I needed to find a lawyer, and phone them to make an appointment for my "little" brother, who was only 40 years old, so obviously couldn't manage to do that himself. Life has improved so much since I ditched my toxic family.
Yep. From a family of eight. 🖐️ Scapegoated child. I liberated myself at 62 last year. Had an epiphany on my last visit looking at photos of growing up.
Omg this sounds so familiar to me. The boys are helpless in my family. I’m the oldest of us 6 (3 girls and then the 3 boys in that order). I was responsible for running the dairy farm all summer with my younger sister when I was 12. I milked the 50 cows while she did the feeding, our dad was working road construction 4 hours away. I was always out in the barn or the fields doing work that was more for a grown man than a super skinny little girl. Our dad was a Vietnam vet and was very volatile and we were so scared of him and to make any mistakes. I feel like I was way overworked compared to normal kids and then mom would go ahead and sign me up to babysit for the neighbors even though I never had a damn minute to myself. I will admit it and say that my mental health has been terrible most of my life with a lot of depression and anxiety and never really feel like I fit in anywhere. I had to quit working as a nurse by age 42 because of my body falling apart from back problems and arthritis. It’s hard to not feel some resentment when I can’t earn my own money anymore at the prime of my life where my wages would be quite high if I were still able to work. My family has no understanding of how I feel and I don’t come around as much as the others do who are still getting help with things that I would never dare to ask for. I feel guilty even writing on here in case someone figures out who I am.
I get peace by imagining myself in some disaster scenario. It gives the stress a 'reason' and eventually I can let it go for a 'rescue' and drift off feeling a lot better.
Doc doesn't want to prescribe sleeping pills that work either. So tired of my worn out brain. I always seem to fall back into this little sleep pattern. I'm in a safe place. Kids all are grown. I know I don't even like to sleep but I know I should. I just cannot get back into a regular sleep pattern.
i can relate too..I just couldn't sleep when everybody is sleeping. . Until I can hear somebody else is awake for the day, then that's the time that I could finally sleep.
Over-sharing warning: I'm male and the second sibling, but I actually relate to most of this. Some parts less extreme, some parts more. In my case, I've always been the moderator in my family, especially when my dad made big, life-changing decisions but didn't want to talk to mum about it, he'd tell me instead, and I'd have to break the news. They've always believed in "being honest" with us about our financial situation, so now I feel crushing guilt if anyone spends anything on me, or does anything for me. Even when I went to university, half my time was spent fixing things at home, and the other half was spent caught in the middle of multiple friendship groups. Dad ran away, so once I finished uni, I came back home to support my mum and siblings. I'm 29 years old and barely even know who I am, because my whole life has revolved around supporting other people, and there's mathematically no way I can get out and have a life of my own. Don't treat your kids like adults. They're not. They're your kids, and it's your responsibility to look after them, not the other way round
I'm also the second oldest child and the oldest son of the family. I'm also 29 and struggling with my identity and people pleasing. I can't imagine having to fill the role of my father in his absence. That sounds incredibly heavy and exhausting! My family was and is very religious so much of the patriarchal family burden was put on my shoulders and it turned me into a nervous wreck with anxiety. It really is sad how much pressure our society puts on children to grow up and be mature. Even our schooling is designed to send children directly into labor. I dream of a day when kids can be kids and follow their authentic curiosities and wonder. It's a world we're only starting to build but I'm glad you're here. Good luck and know you're never going it alone.
@dallenpowell2745 That's so rough. My family (from parents down) are all non-religious. I can understand why some people choose to be religious, but it seems to cause so much unnecessary suffering, especially for today's children. Can't believe how many parents choose the rephrasing of a thousand year old book over listening to their kids actual needs
I constantly struggle with the question of “are acts of service actually how I naturally show love or did I spend my entire life being expected to perform acts of service to justify my existence and now I just don’t know anything else” because of being made the 3rd parent
That was my life. If I said something to my folks because I was overwhelmed and needed to do homework or study, I got lectured, yelled at and hit for complaining, and told I was spoiled for having complained. My mother told me her house was my first priority, and so were her children. I had to parent my siblings and was the one who woke up and took my sister to school. I had to be there for them and couldn't just be a kid. My parents never acknowledged that and made me feel guilty for ever saying anything. Thank you for posting this. I don't feel alone anymore and know that I'm not crazy now for feeling the way I do.
I relate to your comment so much. I spent a lot of childhood feeling overwhelmed & guilty without understanding why. My mom also called me “spoiled.” It’s interesting how often that word is used to invalidate childhood emotions.
@@tjc4331 right? Especially when one or both of your parents are narcissists. They love to gaslight and invalidate you so that they can absolve themselves of guilt for making you the patent and abandoning there responsibility.
Yes, how hypocritical to call a child "spoiled" when all they did was feed, clothe and put a roof over your head. No hugs, the threat of physical harm constantly present, emotional abuse and neglect. Might as well have been cattle in the barn, but even cattle get a pat once in awhile.....
My dad thinks I have to be perfect as if he is. He isn't He's still this way. I'm not good enough, or is anything I do. . He's a perfectionist. He nitpicks. I'm 60 and so fed up with his unsolicited opinions/lectures/controlling tone.
Something that has stuck with me throughout my entire life (I am now 35) is, whenever I did ANYTHING wrong, no matter what it was or how insignificant...I was always told that I was 'Old enough to know better' - regardless of my age. When my 3 siblings did anything wrong, they never EVER got told that, regardless of their age. It put this pressure on me that has followed me in my life, that when I make mistakes or do something wrong, I should know better
I so relate! People who feel like they should know better often become hyper-vigilant and defensive. I think it's better for us to relax our self-standards in that case. Grace can sometimes accomplish that which dogma cannot.
People pleasing: a form of manipulation. Yup 😢 I had to swallow this pill, too. It's a control issue....managing my anxiety. Any loud voice or noise, and conflict makes me incredibly uncomfortable. This is so freaking hard. Healing is worth it, I know, but it's so hard.
Yup, same way and being super responsible for everyone and everything. My husband is the youngest. I did just about everything in the household. I knew no other way to be.
I felt so betrayed after mending and reconnecting with my family. When my mom said 'That's your fault that no one does anything on Xmas or special occasions because you 'never let anyone help', I was crushed. For years I would cook an insane dinner. Beef wellingtons (Vegan wellingtons when my sister became vegan), all the trimmings, turkeys. All I was trying to do was create some kind of tradition and closer family. No one would have bothered to come out of their rooms or even be home if I hadn't. I cooked 'family' dinners since I was 14 after my dad left to make sure that my two younger siblings ate something homecooked. We also always had stray kids that had worse family situations that would stay with us for periods of time.
I feel you, and understand where your coming from. Despite having an older step sister, I always found myself in that role. She was the one that cooked, but she pushed back and then got married so I had to start cooking. I was 13 and it was the start of covid. So essential everything full onto me. We usually have a maid that helped around, but since it was online, we couldn’t. And so I was cooking full time for 6 family members. And one if the most stab in the heart thing my parents ever told me was the thing you’ve heard. “This x event went terrible cause you never let anyone help.” We have done our best, and continue to do so. And I see your heard work darling!
Dang that whole “that’s your fault” because you “ never let anyone help” was mad triggering for me to read! It’s been exactly 2 months since I blocked my mom and haven’t spoken to her. I feel so much better for it though!❤ sending you care! I get it!
Lots of love to you, girls❤ We will survive:) we've already been through a lot. Though learned helplessness caused by excessive responsibility and lack of encouragement is a real thing - look into it in case not to get stuck with you own lives
Did you not ask for help with cooking? Even as my children became adults, I asked them what they wanted to contribute to big meals. This gave them the option to make something or buy it. Stray kids are real and it is good to hear you took some in. You may never know how your kindness might affect them later in life. I try to volunteer, donate to shelters, police because I was a stray kid too at one time. Usually, they want to help out too. Taking a management class might help?
I started “playing with” watching my 2 year old sister at the age of 4. My last sister was born when I was 14. I have 4 younger sisters. I finally escaped my parents at the age of 21. I never had a childhood. I’m still not an adult in the eyes of my parents. I didn’t realize that you shouldn’t leave a 4 year old in charge of a mentally disabled 2 year old. Every time I asked for help I’d get in trouble, I’d get yelled at. I had no childhood, I had no teenager hood but I did have short of an adulthood until they followed me here. I personally hate my parents and all the c-ptsd they caused. No friends, no time for myself, oh and we were Morman…
I loved that I was the adult in the relationship with my siblings until I pissed off Mom for something... and then I was slapped back to being a child who was less than my siblings. I walked my siblings to school, signed school paperwork, answered all phone calls from my siblings, taught them everything I could. Mom got angry that I taught them to be more independent because my siblings wouldn't appreciate help then. If I stepped in between arguments I was told to mind my own business but constantly told about Mom's marriage problems.
I was Mormon too and I’m the oldest of five and know how you feel. for me, it was “watch over your siblings until we get back“ and then, as soon as my parents came home, I was expected just flipped that off and not try and interfere in my brothers arguing and then would be yelled at to mind my own business that I wasn’t the parent but I was mad that I was stuck in charge of kids for all the time but then turn around and being yelled at just because they were home I wasn’t supposed to be involved anymore it sucked know how you feel I am so sorry for your pain and wish you the best on your journey. Sending hugs and good vibes.
Hugs! I was the oldest daughter of 13 kids in a Mormon household and was asked to rinse shitty cloth diapers in the toilet at age 9. I babysat and had to be like a second mother. Teachers in elementary school always asked me how many babies I was going to have, AS IF!!
I am the youngest brother, and was the adult child responsible for taking care of my older brother and the responsibilities of the house, dealing with problems, and even being my mother‘s best friend to deal with her horrible divorce and the shoulder to cry on when she got breast cancer, and even drive her to treatments. My brother never did any of those things I have all of the symptoms you are describing in this video and I’m a man.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve this. People sometimes call this "eldest daughter syndrom", but the right term is "a parentified child" because it's more inclusive.
I see you. I was the eldest girl (guess I still am), but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to boys too. I’m sorry you didn’t get to have a childhood. ❤️♥️❤️
Eldest child and eldest daughter of a single disabled mom household. I was also the eldest of my dad's new family after the divorce. I did all the cooking, cleaning, babysitting, therapy for my single mom and was family mediator. I moved out at 19 and while I still go visit my family, I'm much better mentally on my own. I have found that I still play the role of eldest daughter in other parts of my life. I'm only happy when I feel useful and can help others. It's been hard to create boundaries.
Omg, omg! This was informative but it was also painful to hear. I was made responsible for siblings since I was 5 years old. When y was 5, mother had me babysit my 3 year old brother while she got her hair done. When he refused to listen to me while she was gone and broke her lamp, I was spanked (not him) and not given dessert that night because I failed to be responsible for my brother while she was gone...and also late getting home. When my grandfather was dying (which lasted 4 1/2 years) my mother went to help with him 3 days a week. Those were school days and began when I was 11 years old. It was my responsibility on those days to help my siblings with their homework (while getting mine done), cook dinner for them and my stepfather, clean the dishes, make sure everyone got their baths and dressed for bed and, if she stayed later, make sure everyone went to bed when they were supposed to. I was to make sure that my stepfather wasn't 'burdened' with any of this after a 'hard day at work making sure we had a roof over our head, etc." I could go on and on, these were just the first two things that came to mind... and I'm 62 and still struggling. God I'm tired!
I’m the oldest daughter in an extremely dysfunctional family. I can relate to much of this. My parents have both passed on, but many of those behaviors/ issues live on.
Story of my life. The thing that shaped me the most is that I was responsible for the life of my mom, so I needed to make sure that she doesn’t un@live herself. Everyone including herself said that and counted on me. Now I feel responsible for every life in my life and it is exhausting
So sorry to hear that.. this was true for me, too. I think most people don't undestand how deeply such a situation affects us. I'm still in therapy for it. But hey, I think I am slowly learning to live my own life now, and that feels amazing🎉🥲 May I ask how you cope with all that? 🫂
It's completely exhausting. My "mother" occasionally still verbalized these sort of threats. I've disconnected my 1400 miles, 20 years ago...I let her know police will be on their way. She back pedals unbelievably fast. At this point, I have little to no contact with her.
@@noradiehl5395 I am still kinda in it but I get better because of the distance (I live now an hour away from my family) and because of therapy. I am sorry that that happend to you and I am happy to hear that you are slowly doing better ♥
@@natascha_mephisto @natascha_mephisto Yes, distance definitely helps, I can confirm that.. There's not much I can say, but I will pray for you❤️ the fact that we're here already shows that we're on the right path I guess :)
I’m the eldest daughter and I can identify with this. I have a sibling who has a disability. Once I was old enough I was expected to be home and take care of him and my younger siblings. Refusing was considered selfish. As an adult I’m always the one to call on when someone needs something. Never mind, I have three siblings who are perfectly capable of stepping in but I’m the one everyone calls. They never call unless they need something. . I’m absolutely burned out from caring for everyone’s needs.
I also am am oldest daughter with a sibling with special needs. My other siblings do not step in. I feel bad, but I moved out three years ago and am not putting pressure on myself to be able to care for my brother. I am not his mom. Keep on keeping on.
Females are "supposed" to be nurturing and are socialized/encouraged to be so. I know I was. Also, I would say I USED to have these traits but I burned out a few years ago. I gave up. I figured if I kept expectations low, I'd never have to maintain a high standard when I didn't have the energy for it. Life is quieter and lonelier now, but overall easier.
I'm not a daughter, but I was the eldest child. 1. Waking up a sibling (and making sure we're dressed, fed and off to school on time), check. 2. Being confided to by my parent about her love life and troubles, check. 3. Being an overachiever, check. 4. Loaning money to a parent to feed her (cigarette) addiction, check (I operated a recycling business). 5. Resentful of the family, check (Me: "Are these people nuts?"). 6. Struggling with feelings of guilt (turning down an opportunity to stay with a family in a great school district because my family needs me) check. 7. Difficulty in adult relationships, check.
I’m the eldest daughter who eventually went NC with my adoptive family because of all of the things mentioned and then some. I’m nearly 50 and still feel guilt when I have to establish boundaries. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have them even into adulthood.
First daughter here. Born from a narcisistic violent manipulative mother and a dad who loves me but was too busy at work. Everything exploded when I learnt to stand up for myself once my brother was born and my parents expected me to clean after him. Left the house at 17, applied to college and only talk to dad now. No kids ever. I'm living all the safety I can provide myself, all that safety and comfort I never had.
My youngest sister accused me of abandoning them when I left home, so they had to cope with the parents on their own. I was shocked and deeply hurt, but obviously, she thought it would have been my responsibility to protect them. To me it felt like she didn’t think I had the right to have a life of my own.
WOW! I know how you feel. Recently, my mom told me my younger brother( who has a disability) was angry at me for getting married. She also chewed me out for not protecting my younger sibling when he was physically abused by a teacher. I was eight years old at the time. She said it was my responsibility.
Same. I joined the Army straight out of high school. My younger siblings hated me for it. They got over it when they could "borrow" money. I stopped giving them money after our mother died and they both got married. They don't talk to me now.
She grew up in a different time when women could not even talk about how they felt, it was totally unacceptable to have a problem with things that people would get support for now.
Eldest daughter here....Thank You for this!! Each and every one of the 8 signs hit home for me. My Mom was the youngest child in her family, and, growing up, I often felt (and still do) it was my responsibility to support her emotionally, while helping out with my two younger sisters. (I wonder if those dynamics played into my sense of responsibility also). I care for my Mom now in her old age with little to no support from my sisters....they live far from me. I just hate my resentment and guilt. Would be so interested in learning more!
You can take surprise visit your sisters with your mother and give yourself a break,suggest a nursing home with the other siblings and your mother chipping in... the resentment will only grow if you keep abandoning yourself and your needs .
9:34 Manipulate is WAY too strong of a word. Manipulate: "Control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously." It is a negative word that connotes engaging in unethical behavior to get someone to act against their best interest. People pleasing to avoid conflict & get treated right is definitely dysfunction but absolutely not manipulative. Frankly im shocked your therapist said that. 1) Because it was categorically the wrong word 2) All human interactions involve monitoring the other person's mood and acting in a way that facilitates them having a desirable emotional response. Ex. I see you twinge, realize Ive said something that makes you uncomfortable, I steer away from the subject, and then act more polite/sanitized for the rest of the interaction
Oh thank god it's not just me who thinks this 😅 Like I think I understand the point that Ms Kati and her therapist are trying to make, and I wouldn't be surprised if the therapist had purposely used the word "manipulate" to make a point to her client, but referring to it as "manipulation" is definitely overkill for the average non-therapist person. Imo it could even be detrimental to classify people pleasing as manipulative bc for some ppl, being a people-pleaser is their only method of self protection. Like if they're in an abusive relationship with someone physically larger and stronger than themselves, and can only use placation or distraction to prevent themselves from being hurt. If someone who is in that situation sees this, they might take the negative connotation of "manipulate" to mean that their defense is immoral or something to be ashamed of, which can leave them more vulnerable to their abuser bc they've lost a tool to protect themselves. Or if the abuser themselves sees this, they may use it to bully or shame their victim, or as an excuse to increase their abusive actions, or even to gaslight their victim into accepting the abuse bc they """deserve it""". To be clear, I'm not saying that being a people-pleaser is a good thing, or that if you recognize that behavior in yourself, you should just accept it or ignore it or whatever. But I think using a loaded word like "manipulation", while it can be helpful for someone educated about mental health, is not AT ALL helpful for a regular person who hasn't had that advantage. No hate to Ms Kati! I just think that she could have done better to leave that info out, and use a more specific AND less loaded term to explain WHY being a people-pleaser isn't healthy for ppl to aspire to. It's not good for us, but we shouldn't be ashamed, bc this sort of mentality often comes from being abused or neglected, and that's not our fault. I say this as an inveterate people-pleaser lol, it's something I have been struggling with since I was a kid. I'm not gonna blame myself or call myself manipulative for doing whatever it took to survive. It wasn't my fault that some of the ppl in my life let me down. So it's not my fault that I had to find creative ways to look after myself, within my personal limitations of disability, mental illness, and physically small stature. It's kinda like an old school RPG you know? Everyone gets a weapon that suits their class. The warrior has an axe, the rogue has a dagger, and the bard.....has a magical guitar 😅
Now that I’m 28 years old with two kids by the time I was 23, I can see that the ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ is the reason why I stayed close to home & ending up creating a whole new family to have to care for. Last year I had an epiphany that if I hadn’t been consumed with offering my energy to my parents I would have gone away from the state for college, I can see now I was never thinking of myself & that’s why my life is the way it is now. It took the unconditional love of my children to break me out of these patterns, & im so proud of the woman I have become since my first born child at 21, and I’m excited to continue building towards the woman I know I can be ! It feels good to accept that this isn’t “just the way it is” like I was meant to believe, like I was told. I am free to know I have room for growth ! That was something I never thought I’d have !
I'm the oldest daughter and I had kids ( siblings) on my hip as long as I can remember. When I couldn't pull through and failed at something- my mother was EXTREMELY ABUSIVE!! I left by choice at 13yo. The court placed me in a girl's home. My mother was so mad because I went against her, she made sure the family never forgave me. I wasn't allowed and even still 40 years later- I'm not allowed to visit anyone. ' mother' made sure to get the last word. As for the rest of my family , it's still hurts -but I moved on years ago No matter how many times I tried to defend myself, nobody listened because my mother made sure that since I was a kid, that I wasn't credible and should not be believed I stopped punishing myself by almost begging my family to 'love me'. I am still working on getting my power back, but its still very hard at my age..
This is me. My younger sisters have left the country and I’m left responsible for my, now 93 year old mum, who looks on me as a sister/best friend. She doesn’t acknowledge that I’m 30 years younger.
I hear you! My father expected me, a wife and mom/ business owner/homeschooling teens, to suddenly move into his home to care for my dying mom, until she died, because I was the eldest daughter. Also, we were not told of her illness until weeks before. Also because "that is what oldest daughters have to do or why did I even have you?" My own family and I did push through that, getting mom into a safe place for her final weeks, but oh the drama.for not doing all the right things that I "Should have KNOWN were my responsibility." Yes, boundaries went up quickly!
Yeah, me, too. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, you name it. At 10 years old, I was fielding calls from bill collectors and helping my mother balance the check book. I could mix any cocktail they wanted, including a "mean" White Russian. Not to mention getting good grades, so they would be proud of me. During my teenage years, my mother told me that my 17 year old boyfriend had propositioned her. My younger sibling was taking drugs and shoplifting. HE got taken to a psychiatrist. But as for me, if I was still doing the chores, they told me I was fine. In reality, I was suicidal. I "ran away" though I was an adult at 19. I lived with a friend, and my mother literally ran her car off the road. Then, they threatened me with commitment to a mental hospital because I was "promiscuous and unbalanced." Finally, I saved enough money to fly to North Carolina. My first husband was in the Navy in Virginia. I asked him to drive down and we were married there because the legal age for marriage was 16. My folks called his commanding officer and tried to get him thrown in the brig. It was a nightmare, and in many ways, though I'm 74, parts of it still are.
That's awful I hope your relationship / marriage wasn't abusive. Usually we get trapped in abusive relationships when we're desperate and trying to escape . I hope you're doing well now after all those decades
@@nussknacker9827 Unfortunately, it was. My husband abandoned me with a 6 year old and an 18 month old. He cheated on me throughout our marriage. It took years, and lots of therapy, some good, some bad, to be told that I was not crazy and what I wanted out of life was "reasonable." Remarried at 30, and that relationship had its ups and downs, too, of course. I've come far, I hope, but I still have far to go.
i relate to ‘eldest daughter syndrome’. i was never a daughter. i was essentially another a parent.. at times the only parent. with saying that, caring for my family is a privilege and i feel lucky to have siblings and parents, because some don’t, but there are times i do wish i could have come first, aside from being born.
My mom was the eldest daughter who died when I was 11, after her death the crown was automatically given to me. Even though my mom's youngest sister who was in her late 20s still lived with her mother, I was expected to help my grandmom babysit my toddler cousins b'cos I was the eldest granddaughter. What hurts most is once my cousins would return to their home and I was not needed my grandmom did not want me around. Not once my contributions acknowledged by her or my cousins' parents. My cousins went on to have successful lives while I still struggle with scoliosis and other mental health issues. I still hate them even though I've not seen them in nearly 20 years. I wish I was smarter and not been so damn conscientious. It's never worth putting other people's well-being before your own. Prioritize you.
@@InnerGiggles Thank you for your validating words. It does take time to overcome this hidden abuse. As a child, you want to help and be kind but your kindness and naivety are exploited. Knowing what we went through was abuse and wrong is the beginning of our healing journey.
Oldest daughter/child of 8 kids. I have 6 younger brothers, and my only little sister was born when I was 16. People are baffled as to why I can't stand other people's kids, and I say simply, because I've been a mother since birth. I remember changing my brothers diapers when I was 4-5. I was a perpetual babysitter, chauffeur, I cooked meals, I was in charge of dishes (we didn't have a dishwasher) and I got punished with extra cleaning because "I did it better" but really it was just conditioning my brothers that weaponized incompetence works. We were homeschooled, so I remember helping my siblings with homework, helping put kids down for naps, folding laundry that wasn't mine etc. I have oldest daughter syndrome times a million. Unfortunately, I was also scapegoated in my family, so I have been no contact, and its probably the best thing I've ever chosen for myself. Take care of yourselves oldest daughters!!
Please, show her this video and give her a support. Her childhood was stolen. I am the oldest sister, I wish my sister could recognize this. :-( But she thinks that it is ok for the oldest child to "slave" for the family.
My mind has just been blown. I was the oldest by 5 years, with a younger brother and sister. When my mother was hospitalized when I was 11, I was responsible for watching the younger ones and doing the housework. I still managed to make the honor roll. It is wonderful to hear that I am not alone. This is a real syndrome. I heard, "You're the oldest. You should know better," when I'd never been taught. And I knew way more about my parents' private life than I needed to know. Thank you for addressing this.
Like water for chocolate was a film I related to. I had to work in my dad’s business when I was 12 years old.he paid me less than minimum wage. I worked a 12 hour day every Saturday and 9-10 hours every Sunday. During the school year and every day during school breaks.The first time I was left alone with my baby sister I was about 7. I would do the grocery shopping by taking a radio flyer wagon and walking to the store. There was always too much responsibility on me, while my parents under functioned. They stole my childhood. I took the brunt of their frustration and was expected to be there for everyone and do everything while never being cared for myself. When I was 13-14, my parents told me I would be the one to take care of them in their old age. They forced me to go to nursing school and crushed my dreams of being an artist. I haven’t spoken to them in 33 years. There’s no room in my life for toxic and selfish. I live on my terms now. Still working through all of the damage, but I’m free.
Sheesh. Very relatable. Girls are strong as hell, and get taken advantage of for it. I'm the only daughter, and younger sibling of 2, but I remember even as an 8 year old when my mom officially passed away (she had been sick for 2 years), I was handing tissues to my dad & brother and telling them it would be alright, "mom's not in pain anymore" kind of stuff. No one checked in with me and my feelings. I just cried to myself at night when they weren't around. Then a couple years later at 9-12 when my brother was doing drugs & also experiencing life ending feelings, I was the person bandaging his self-inflicted wounds, bringing him an upchuck bucket, & starting at 11, saving lunch money for his bus rides (or who knows what else since he was using) when dad kicked him out/he left permanently. I also was the person who was changing my father's wounds when he had a large incision in his stomach that needed packed bandages changed daily, when I was 12, despite him having another wife and my Aunt living in the house at the time. But I had to be "the nurse" and take care of it. And anytime my Aunt didn't cook, dinner was on me. Love to all the other daughters given too much responsibility too young. ❤
She described my perfectly; I'm crying and my heart is pounding because I just realized I need therapy. I had 2 hard-working stressed parents and 4 younger sibs. Started doing chores at about age 5 and by 16 I did all the laundry, meal planning and grocery shopping, and most household chores. I also had to make sure my sibs were safe, clean, had homework and chores done, and behaved appropriately. I was blamed for all that went wrong. If I complained I was told I didn't care for my family. Pros: I am the most educated (doctorate) and financially successful of my sibs. Cons: I have no children and am still helping my sibs financially. 3 sibs have children.
Boy did I relate to this video. I never understood before why I was such a people pleaser and always put myself last. I grew up always trying to achieve so much to prove my worth. My younger brother said I was “ bossy”. I always had trouble saying no to others and felt badly if I did. I grew up in the fifties 2 younger brothers, worked through high school, bought all my own clothes. My Dad was 😢away in the military a lot and being the oldest my Mother took a lot of her frustrations out on me. It has taken me years to learn to make myself count, learn to say no and stop letting myself be used by others. I now have a supportive husband Of 33 years and I can be me. I used to please others at the expense of my own happiness but am finally learning to set boundaries. Thankyou for this topic that makes perfect sense to me and helps me understand myself better. ❤
Watching early family videos can be instructive. As the oldest daughter I was struck by the care giving of my younger sister in a Christmas video. She was 4 and I was 8. She had received one of those plastic horses on springs that allow a child to rock and bounce. In the video I help her to climb onto the horse while my mother poses for my father with her cosmetics gift. I then put some of MY Christmas gifts, a toy gun and holster and cowboy hat on my sister so she can feel like a real cowgirl. Only after she is happy do I turn to my main gift, a microscope and isolate from everyone.
As the eldest daughter/sibling, I kinda knew about some of these symptoms/issues, but to see them neatly laid out and explained in this video has helped me tremendously. I felt so understood and validated watching this. I'm super grateful.
I have C-PTSD as a result of domestic violence and was watching this for someone else... Wish you had put a trigger warning on the one where the girl was listening to DV happening outside the door.
I'm technically the second daughter. But my older sister is 8 years older and was moved out by the time I was 10. So the things she did for the family fell on me. She's the one who first discovered dad's affair. I was the oldest in the home when my family fell apart and my grandpa died. I did everything I could to lessen the trauma for my little sister. I tried to do everything I could so my mom wouldn't cry. I did everything I could, but I still couldn't save the day. Looking back, my at the time undiagnosed ADHD would have made it even harder to be the completely perfect child, the one with no needs. When my dad remaried, I gained a new little step sister and brother. That step sister would go on to steal my father. She never intended it. It wasn't her fault. He's the one who chose her mom over mine. He's the one who chose her over me and his other daughters. Her bio dad was an abusive monster and she cut contact with the moment the courts would let her. She was just as innocent and deserves a loving father like anyone else. But I'd be lying if I said there was no resentment. I was the golden child. My oldest sister was also a golden child until she left home, left our family religion, made lifestyle choices that our family will likely never approve of, and dared to vote for the wrong party. So I was next in line to be the golden child. I got the good grades and made state band and was accepted to one of the best academic schools in the state. I never went to parties, was never friends with the "wrong crowd" (that wrong crowd including everything from kids doing drugs to the openly gay kids to the kids who just happened to not go to my specific church), only hung out with my church friends, never made mischief, never did anything. I lost so much of what being a kid is. Eventually, I considered myself a sacrifice. Sacrifice the golden child so the rest of the family can have peace. When my grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer, when she lived with us while falling into dementia, forgetting us, suffering, and eventually dying, I didn't cry. I didn't complain. As a 14 year old, I watched the traumatizing horror of my beloved grandmother slowly losing everything and I didn't cry or complain. I was the shoulder my family cried on. When I was SA'd by a family friend at 13, despite trying to tell my family what happened with my limited knowledge and language, he was still in my home time and time again for years. In which time he continued to abuse me. I eventually learned to shut my mouth. No one was coming to save me. But I could do everything to save my mom and little sister. Since adulthood, I've done lots of therapy and been working on myself. I quickly went from the golden child to the scapegoat and black sheep. Everything that made my oldest sister the black sheep before, I did, plus coming out as queer. I just happen to be more vocal and impulsive about what I say and do (plus I'm geographically closer and see family much more often). So I stole that title, which I now wear as a badge of honor. Someone has to be the family disappointment, so I'll take the role so my sisters and cousins can have an easy path to avoid it. Unfortunately, this passed the golden child role down to my youngest sister, but she's since outgrown that role. Now my parents are forced to accept that they don't get a golden child. They can meet us as we are or they can not. But we have all come to reject that role. I will continue to live up to my role as the family disappointment so my sisters and cousins don't need to worry. Hey, I take as a compliment if I can disappoint the same people who gaslit me and taught me that women are less and did nothing to help me escape my abuser and wouldn't allow me to be friends with gay people and (some of them) didn't talk or look at me for over a year after I left their religion. The clear difference in treatment between me and the others kinda sucks, but it's life. If I'm not the disappointment, someone else will be. So why not?
This is extremely difficult to hear, but I went through all of that and fought every bit of the unfairness with all my being at the first sight of it. I fought it in every instance since I was little.
Some of these things I’ve known for a while, but never have I had it laid out so clearly all in one place. I am an oldest daughter and have an oldest daughter. Some mistakes I haven’t repeated, but if I’m honest there are traps I feel susceptible to falling into with expectations of my eldest daughter. I feel like I’ve only begun to start to unravel the tangled up mess. This is why I am struggling right now in many areas, the expectations, people pleasing, resentment, and resulting isolation. Thank for presenting this so thoroughly.
You have just explained my whole life and why i have been so angry over the last year. I was processing my resentment. I cant thank you enough for making me feel normal and that i am not alone.
@Katimorton I definitely did! Thank you! I think my parents did a lot out of necessity, but it helps me understand the way I am. My mother was raised to have very adult responsibilities as well, and she didn't know any different in many situations when raising me. Hopefully, knowing what to look out for, I can avoid laying the same weight on my daughter, who is my eldest child.
Katie you have a way of knocking me in my kneecap. As an eldest child of a substance misuse and mentally ill poverty stricken family I cut ties with all 3 yrs ago but the effects still linger as I reflect on my current state of life. It’s not easy to acknowledge but even more to change.
My brother was 30 when he suddenly said sorry to me. Then my mum did. After that she said that he started therapy, and it shows. Now it looks like he finally understands that I was mistreated by my parents and he was taught to do the same. I was bullied at school by my classmates, and at home - by my sibling. We live in different countries, but now I finally have a brother, not a person who takes and never gives back. He built a relationship with my son, that often chat online. I know I can call for help and he st least will try to. My mum doesn't want to start therapy, but she is doing her best to break the pattern. She's not perfect, but she helps a lot and it counts. I don't communicate with my father. Never. My extended family were surprised at first, now almost no-one talks to him. Toxic and selfish, needs to look good in other people's eyes and always be praised. I left my husband. I asked him to go back to being an adult, he told me he wanted to be a teenager again. I don't need one more child, I already have two to take care of. It's hard, but it pays off. I am happy. I am free. I am a better me now.
Wow Katie this is so validating and helpful, thank you so much 🙏❤️ I was the eldest of 3 girls who grew up with an emotionally unavailable and unstable dad, our mum having left the family when I was 8. I relate to everything you describe here. Only now, in my 40s am I having therapy and making the changes you mention. I love the tips.. honestly its the best feeling just allowing myself a treat, long bath, or doing nothing watching TV. The guilt still comes but it is less now. I married the youngest son of 5 who is described by his family as never having to do anything for himself when he was little! I'm working hard to make sure my teenage son and daughter feel equally important, appreciated, seen and valued ❤❤
Oh, for sure this was me. Explicitly. I was expected to comfort and mediate my parents' conflicts, and any conflicts between my siblings, or between my siblings and parents. I was expected to listen and sympathize with my parents frustrations with each other and life. I wasn't shielded from anything. I knew when we'd barely made rent or when my mom didn't get new shoes so we could. I was expected to watch my siblings when my parents weren't home, to never have activities or friends that would inconvenience the rest of the family, and to make honor roll. I was the first one to have my extra carriculars canceled if there were any conflicts or financial constraints. If the house wasn't clean or the chores weren't done it was my fault, not my father's, because I was too lazy to help my mom manage the house like I should. My parents would also use it to point out how much I was doing and try to shame my siblings into achieving more. It sucked.
So glad you're back in my algorithm. I appreciate you bringing your insight to this issue. I experience some of these but my second sibling definitely did.
As the eldest i felt responsible when my mother abused my 2 years younger brother. I struggle with guilt 30 years later. We need to talk about sibling abuse.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining this... now I understand myself better. I hope your work helps people to be better human beings, better parents, and help us heal who was not fortunate enough to have a loving childhood.
Kati - thank you for this video. Your information is extremely helpful. I can relate on so many levels. I moved away from my family when I was 19 yo because I was broken & couldn't deal with the shame I was dealt my entire life with our family dynamics. I still struggle with my upbringing and have been in therapy to resolve my issues.
I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, and was in the driveway chopping firewood when my old country doctor came by. After scolding me for doing what he saw as my husband's work, he walked me inside and sat me down in the kitchen, and made us a pot of tea while I sobbed at his kindness.
I am really glad that you have kept fighting and kept working towards betterment of society. You have changed a lot but also, have come a long way from being curious, always energetic, shinning in the eyes to calm, composed, mature and responsible now. Although I found your channel few months back but still... I hope and pray that you keep doing well in every aspect. and I will also suggest you to NEVER stop your free advices and guidance you provide through different channels and if possible, please try to conduct a free podcast/webinar/live once a week or fortnight. Thank you Kati and Stay blessed 💚🙏
I have not watched a video that has fit me so well. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I had to be the role of my father and mother. I am glad I watched this. Gave me the ability to look at myself kinder. Knowing some of why(s) will be helpful. I am 62 and wish I had this information 30 years ago. Never too late...
Thank you for bringing up this topic! I think that the way relationships with our siblings affect us aren't discussed enough. My younger brother was born when I was 9 and I was so excited back then that I'll have someone to play with. And because of this big age gap I soon became his third parent. I had two major responsibilities: learning well and taking care of my brother. During holidays I was the one responsible for spending time with him or going to playgrounds where I felt that I shouldn't be playing or running but behave like a parent. I had to be patient, responsible and willing to sacrifice my time and I felt guilty whenever I wanted to do something for myself when my brother wanted to play with me. His needs and wants were always more important than mine. And because I wasn't exactly a parent, I didn't deserve his respect. And I feel like in my past relationship I also took the role of an older sister especially that I was the older one, and he had some of my brother toxic traits. And I've never felt so free and liberated as when I moved out to another city. I could finally be myself, do things I wanted and sometimes even behave like a child, running around the office or being excited even about some very small things. I got completly new energy. Earlier my parents used to say that there's no life in me and that I'm flegmatic while at work I'm one of the most energetic ones. But whenever I go back home I feel like ny energy is sucked out by my younger brother. I love him, but I feel so good being far away from him
I dont feel like I had a real childhood. "Stolen childhood" - Dr. Ramani calls it and I cannot agree more. Oldest daughter and the oldest grandchild here! My tasks never ended. When on holidays at grandmother's house every summer - I had to take care of all her grandchildren. I hated the "holidays", I never felt like I have any vacation. I was following my spoiled evil cousin around so he does not hurt grandma's animals or his brother or damage something. Just out of spite, cause he knew, I WOULD BE PUNISHED. And I was! In 99% of cases! I hate him to this day. I have not a single positive feeling towards him. He is no longer allowed in my life. He is a spoiled rotten narcissist, using and abusing women. It was my father who would punish me for his bad behavior, because my (maternal!) grandmother would tell him that I did something wrong. I was mentored on the way home, which used to take 30 mins, then got beaten by his belt for being rude to grandmother. Which I never was!!! Then back at home I was again the parentified oldest daughter and parent´s personal therapist trying to keep going their very toxic marriage. Mission impossible. There is so much more. 42 now, I went no contact with my whole family 3 years ago. I am at peace now, but I miss having real parents and childhood. :-(
That’s exactly what I went through. Moved out early so I could get a break. I’ve been a mom since I can remember, but I did have good parents. It’s a very conflicting feeling. The validation is great to hear.
Same! I moved out into my own apartment at 19. I am the oldest of 9-7 brothers, 1 sister (5 years younger). I had good parents. But being so responsible all the time was mentally and physically exhausting. I got into therapy when my mom came to live with us. I didn’t get a lot of help from my siblings.
Bingo! All 8 of your points fit me perfectly! I am the oldest of 5 children, with 16 years between myself & my youngest sibling, who considers me his 2nd "mom"! You have done an excellent job explaining the Eldest Daughter syndrome, so thank you, because I have tried to effectively explain this& haven't been able to articulate what I was responsible for in my family, that none of my siblings were expected to do! It's so frustrating & exhausting to this day & it has affected all of my relationships, including my marriage! So thank you for talking about this topic! There is one more thing that I experienced, which I was never told that I was responsible for, but I soon found out that my mom expected me to make sure that all of my siblings didn't get injured or hurt when we were outside playing in our neighborhood of 25 kids! But I quickly learned this the hard way when one of my younger siblings skinned their knee & went running to mom. When I walked in the door, my mom was comforting my crying sibling & I got punished & sent to my room for neglecting my responsibilities of keeping my siblings safe while we were outside playing with our own friends!
I never understood (consciously) why I am always the life coach to most everyone I know, and the extraordinary people pleaser that I am. I am always the one to ask for a text to make sure people made it home safe. I am the one to “take care of” and ensure others are happy at parties and gatherings. Boundaries are nebulous at the best of times. I am the eldest daughter, granddaughter, and grandchild. This was a revelation. Thank you so much for this video!
For 10 years I attempted to set boundaries with my parents, had my child almost 9 years ago and the whole time they disregarded my boundaries. I was clear in what I needed for myself and my child and they thought it was a game. I cut them all out of my life last May. It wasn't easy, although I set the intention a year ago that I was walking away and it gave me the chance to forgive them and pray and forgive in my own space. ❤
Oldest and only daughter and my mom's oldest child. I was trrated like a "friend" and "confidant" by my narcissist mom since I was a young teen, called a "prima donna" despite doing more chores than my dad or brother, and emotionally neglected. I'm constantly feeling guilt, shame, and like im responsible for everyones emotions. I have lived w depression and anxiety since I was a young teen. It is very hard for me to accept let alone ask for help.
Oh my gosh - I haven't even started the video, and, I'm ALL in (that's me + an only girl) --- I have never heard of the "Eldest Daughter Syndrome", however, at only 3:00 minutes in this completely resonates with me - 🥰
Oldest child/daughter here and yes to everything said. Immature parents, my mom used me as her confidante for marriage difficulties, always responsible for my three siblings. Given no care/help when I had my kids. Went through a whole divorce without any calls from my mom, even though my young self helped her through hers. I’m 50 now, she still doesn’t see me as an equal. I did better with my daughter!
I struggle with everything mentioned. I cryed my heart out when I turned 17. I knew being an actual child was gone. I hadn't even been one and I grieved for that longing of being a carefree child. I'm the oldest of 3 girls. My 2 younger sisters didn’t get our parents in the era I did. They will never truly understand where I'm coming from. Insist on how I should forgive and forget. I've tried so hard but at every turn both parents are still doing or saying hurtful things. I was always made to feel like there was no love or patience for me. I was just to carry the load of chores and childrearing. Two things that do stand out to me. Are that I can't take a compliment. Nor am I good at receiving any gifts. I just shut down at both. Makes me feel horrible but I'd never truly felt worthy of anything. I love doing those two things for others. I even feel guilty when buying myself anything. I'd get asked why no kids. Well It had to do a lot with how I had no childhood. I'm in my mid 30's and pregnant now. But it was a very hard decision. I've told my husband of 14yrs that knowing he will be the father (& I the mother) we both never had has definitely helped me. Pray for our baby girl she has to be taken to the NICU as soon as she's born. She'll be receiving life support treatment for her Congenital diaphragmatic hernia. 🥺
I always felt terrified that something would happen and it would be my fault. Don’t worry, Gail will take care of it. I’m 70 and I still feel responsible and guilty for moving away 15yrs ago. 3 brothers 2 sisters and I still get told I left them……” You don’t care about family”. I was babysitting since I was 4. My 2 sisters were born when I was 13 & 14. I had to take them everywhere with me so much that some people used to say it was disgraceful…..at my age……..they thought they were mine. I am still feel responsible, even though I’m no longer there.
As a partner to an eldest daughter (and yes, I am the youngest son) this really hit like a freight train. Thanks for pointing out that the people pleasing comes at a huge cost - one of the issues we've had to work on is the fact that the people in the 'inner circle' of the person with EDS (usually only one or two people) are the only people that they feel comfortable asking for help from. So they end up being the default option to lean on with all those extra responsibilities, and become a 'people pleaser by proxy'.
Eldest daughter here. When I was 10, I was the one getting up at 2, 4, and 6am to take care of and feed my youngest brother. My parents abdicated their responsibility to me from that point on. Always responsible for everyone else and resentful about it. And it's carried over to adulthood - constantly wanting to help to feel needed. Thank you so much for this video.
This video resonated with me so much.... All 8 are incredibly relateble. I am the eldest child, eldest and only daughter of four kids. My nickname was "The Little Mother" and I was so poud of that as a child. I was so worried about everyone and everything and trying to keep everyone okay that I was diagnosed with multiple stomach ulcers at 11. I am still stuck in a loop of always putting others first, taking care of them and don't even know how to put myelf or my needs first at all. I am totally going to rewatch and process this video again as there is a lot to unpack. Thank you so much for bringing my awareness to this, as it very much has opened my eyes to some of why I do what I do too and I am greatful you also provided some first steps to healing too! :D
I too was labeled a “little@ mother. My 4 youngest brothers refer to me as their second mother. I bear no resentment towards my parents. It was the way it was.
This explains a lot about other people, too! Some people have been "younger siblings" with everyone their whole lives. Their emotional management has always been dependent on other people and circumstances, so they can't reregulate themselves until someone steps in to soothe them, otherwise the universe is against them. Letting these "younger siblings" struggle to reregulate themselves isn't just about emotional self-protection; it's about believing in someone enough to let them learn the hard way.
Eldest daughter here with 3 younger brothers. And daughters were rated as zero compared to the boys. Babysit, cook, clean, you name it. Extremely strict curfews too. Neither parent ever asked me to mediate between them. That must have came later than the 1970's. I was supposed to keep three brats quiet so dad could sleep. My mom worked second shift, and my dad worked third. And they went out of their way to be loud and make messes on purpose. I was a total failure to them, but "boys will be boys" excused them for everything, and all I heard was "Why can't you be a better daughter?" When the sexual harrassment amped up, I had to leave home for a year at age 16.
Im eldest daughter of 5 siblings. This video and comments hit spot on. I struggled with myself, relationship, and how to properly raise my 3 little humans. Not long ago "months", ive finally took that step back to recognize on how to heal in a healthy way. This video helped so much.
What about youngest child? Learn more about youngest child syndrome here: 5 Signs You Have Youngest Child Syndrome
ruclips.net/video/phIKn7-w_v4/видео.html
Do you have any videos to help you know where you belong?
What about the true middle child? I have three older siblings and three younger siblings. I always describe my childhood as “what the oldest children wouldn’t do, and the youngest ones couldn’t do, it fell to me. I was never too old and never too young at the same time.”
As the eldest daughter, I never truly felt like a child…I felt like an adult in a child’s body. I was always told I was so mature for my age but what people didn’t realize is that wasn’t necessarily by choice.
ME TOO
I feel the same ❤
Oh my gosh. I feel every word you said.
Me too. I'm almost 60 and I still struggle with the things she talks about in this video.
"told I was so mature for my age"
Uh, was it a 40 year old guy trying to sleep with you?
I am the eldest of 5 siblings and the daughter of two emotionally immature parents.
People ask why I don’t have kids.
I was an adult for my whole childhood.
Gotta heal so I didn’t pass on resentment.
I am the same. I am the eldest of three daughters and the daughter of two emotionally immature parents. I have never been able to seek out a romantic partner because I'm terrified of finding myself in that unhealthy position again. I just want to put myself first for a change.
Parents were not just emotionally stunted but manipulative also. The "friend" conversations - from both parents - were set in such a way as to make me feel privileged that _I_ was the one to whom they could confide.
It was taken too far when I was told I was my brother's keeper. It felt wrong, especially when he got so many passes when I was penalized. Not sure, but that might have been the seeds of the anger which led to depression of being out of control
Thought I wanted a child when I was 18. By the time I hit 25, knew there was no way I wanted to inflict that anger onto a child who couldn't fight back
As a fellow oldest daughter in a dysfunctional home, I feel that so much.
I raised my parents.
@@Caerdrys yes. Exactly. I feel the same!!!
@@slianyong7550 I agree it’s not good as I know my dad did not want me and I could feel his resentment. It breaks my heart to this day. I know I have self esteem issues from it.🤯
Eldest daughter =100% accountability, 0% authority.
I am the eldest daughter. One thing I would add to the adult relationships section is the fear of even seeking out a romantic relationship because of the overwhelming fear of being stuck in another caregiver role.
Right.
I don't ever want to marry or have children
I was hoping to be able to foster teenagers to give them a better life
Sadly this never became possible due to disability and terminal illness
😅
I’ve been divorced for 12 years and kids are finally out. I don’t want to date a similarly aged man in his 60s because I know it would be only for my caretaker role
I was very unhappily married for seven years. I’m also fearful of any romantic relationship because of not only the caregiver role, but also how much stress and responsibility I feel when others are unhappy or angry. I lost myself and guilt.
This is a valid concern for an eldest daughter. I ended up getting married very young at 19 and feeling like I was perfectly capable of "fixing" my now ex-husband. He was damaged by his family physically, sexually, emotionally. He just needed someone to love him, right? He just needed someone to take care of him better than his family did, right?
12 years and three kids later and I had to tap out. Turns out that I wasn't right for the job. It's hard to fix someone who actively sabotages their own wellbeing and cannot possibly concern themselves about yours or the children's needs. Then of course the aftermath is just finding someone who is the opposite of him. So simple, right? My standards were so low though and that's no good either.
I never have remarried and luckily the kids are adults now so what I thought was an urgent concern is gone. I have a better handle on what I would want in a potential future husband. Still, the scars remain.
When someone is expectedly kind to me, I tear up. Sometimes, I actually cry.. Now I understand why.
Me too.❤
Me too! ❤ People even doing the simplest things to help makes a HUGE difference for me.
Me too...and I never understood why until now.
Me too❤, I remember to have asked GOD to bring me people who will shower me with their kindness so that I may just get used to it!
me too! The simplest thing and Im like: wow! Your would do that??To ME?? and then I cry
Eldest child and eldest daughter here. I often heard...you are the oldest, you should be ashamed of yourself! You should know better. (even though I was only 19 months older than my next sibling, my brother..)
I got the same treatment, same position in the family too. Except my brother is 15 months younger than me. So on one hand we were described as “practically twins” but I’m also the eldest and therefore should know better. I’m sorry for the burdens placed upon you as a child.
Thank you...sorry for you as well.@@sanctuary6689
Or when your sibling made the same (normal) mistakes you did and you got blamed for them. Further, if you told someone you get called a tattle tale, or if you didn't you got blamed for not saying anything.
I think we were actually meant to be stand-ins for our parents so they could absolve themselves of any responsibility.
or we were conditioned to just take it!@@ladvita32
I was only 14 months older than my sister (and less developmentally because I was 10 weeks early and a micropreemie) and hard same.
My mother first had me babysit my sister while she was away at 7. When my sister was 7 and I was 8, my parents wouldn't leave her home alone - but when I was 7, they'd have me babysitting her!
Any misbehavior or failure on the part of my siblings was my fault. "You're the oldest, you should've helped her with her homework/stopped them/risen above the provocation/known better!"
Add to doing twice the chores of any other sibling (plus my siblings' chores for them if they refused because they threw bigger tantrums and my parents didn't want to deal with them and knew they could guilt me into doing more than my share).
I could go on. I didn't get to be a kid. Instead I was this bizarre kid-parent, in that whether I was a child (and therefore my opinions, wants, feelings and judgements don't matter) or an adult (and therefore held to adult expectations and responsibilities) depended entirely on my parents' convenience.
My parents found out I was sexually harassed by a stranger. Their only reaction was anger that I hadn't told them myself... because: "WHAT IF IT HAD HAPPENED TO YOUR SISTERS!!!!??"
...?
It felt like they were more distressed by it hypothetically happening to their 12 year old than it actually happening to their 14 year old.
Geez! This is disgusting.
Hugs to you.
That's so fucked up.
💞🫂
😢 sorry that happened
That is just not right!
My mother would proudly tell me that I’ve been acting like a 30 year old since I was 8 years old. I still don’t understand how she thinks that’s a good thing.
It was good for her but not for you
I have a female friend who was assigned with cleaning her younger brother's room. He was already a teen. smh
Yep my mom says the same thing I was so mature for my age despite being the youngest I was put into the eldest role.
It's not a good thing!
Cause it made her life easier. Period.
Is it just me, or do younger siblings have "standards" for other people where eldest daughters have "strategies" for dealing with people?
I think you've got something there. I'm an eldest daughter, and the manager in one job commented that I was "really good with a**holes", so assigned all those clients to me. Were they grateful, did they give me any positive comments on the feedback forms? Of course not. And the company insisted that we "delight" the customers. Didn't happen.
Yes
I can relate to that. But positively. My younger sister has high standards 😊. Which I find funny and sometimes annoying.
I think you nailed it. Enlightening. Still now, at 69, I'm unwrapping the threads that entangled me from childhood. Learning more it seems every day that would have been SO HELPFUL to understand better decades ago. 1st born child of an unstable, emotionally unavailable narcissistic mother who was remarkably genius (often cruelly so) and a loving stable genius Dad who unintentionally caused me serious abandonment issues due to his engineering work that frequently kept him long hours and would transfer him to other locations causing us to move 22 times in 20 different states before I was in Junior High School. Having to live without Dad for weeks or months to finish a school year before moving us be with him was brutal. As an overachiever I still could never measure up to my mother's demands while she was more lenient with the younger siblings. As a brunette I began having white hairs at 15. Stress. By age 25 I had to stop pulling them out and colored my hair to hide that my hair was rapidly turning white. I was made to believe that I had to "fix" my mother and appease her freaky fast changing moods. I became a people pleaser, fawned, and accommodated her never ending demands and frightening emotional outbursts and cruel physical, mental, and emotional abuse. Thank God for the strength He gave me to get through it and survive. Amazingly, everyone around remarked what a happy go lucky good natured sweet child I was. Well of course I was, I was thrilled to be OUT of the house away my mother, or at least knowing that she dare not appear anything else but the perfect person in public. 😂 Yip. I could not be a child then. Now I can be... whenever I like. Free and happy, won't allow anyone to steal my joy! God bless all of you who can relate to any of this, too, sisters. Hugs.
@@MNknoyounger one here and I had the same experience
Wow, I'm 70 and you just explained my whole life.
Me too! My little brothers had childhoods I had responsibilities. Narcissistic mother dominated me every moment, enabler father complained about the poor quality of my attitude, constantly reminding me to be grateful they adopted me and be a happy little slave for them all. Parents passed. Now I'm expected to care for the brother who bullied and betrayed me for over 65 years. I am so very tired. Sometimes it feels so hopeless I wish I could just die 💔😣😭
I just gave your comment the 70th like
Me too!
I'm 68, as a child my mum dumped all her bitterness about my dad on me,
now I avoid men like the plague. No husband, no boyfriends. I know men aren't all incredibly selfish like my dad but conditioning is deep...? Thanks mum. Looking after my mentally ill sister ....three brothers but it's my job....surprise, surprise!!
I’m 73. A lot of this is me. But the worst thing was how I was my mother’s confidant.
Sigh.
This explains a lot.😪
I can so relate to this!!! When I moved away from my family, people were telling me, " it must be hard and lonely," to the contrary, I felt that It was much easier to be on my own. For the first time, I only had to take care of myself and not everyone else.!
This!!!
As the oldest child/oldest daughter I find myself thriving more when I’m away from my family and I am quick to run from overwhelming situations because I will get depressed easy and I don’t like confrontation!
I'm the youngest of six with only one sister (#3 in birth order). She's always had mental health problems for as far back as I can remember and she is now completely estranged from me and my siblings (our parents are deceased.) I never really thought about how difficult it might have been for her to take care of me when she was 8 and I was a newborn. My mother seems to have just "assigned" me to her care, and I used to wake her up all hours of the night to get me water or calm me down if I heard scary noises. She never complained.
Yes. Very true.
As the eldest daughter from an abusive household it made it even worse. I was the one keeping the pieces together and taking care of everyone. Had to be my mum's therapist, caretaker for my brother and baby sister. I also started saving as soon as I started working so they could be ok. I now struggle with Bipolar Disorder, depression and anxiety and don't ever want kids. My therapist says it's because I have been a parent to everyone around me since I was a child. Eldest daughter syndrome is real.
Being my mom's therapist and sometimes feeling like I am her husband instead of my stepfather, is a lot. Everyone else brings their problems to her or to me, but she brings all of her problems to me as well. Work problems, marriage problems, financial woes...you name it. I have always been in the role of problem solver, and I always have to do for her or them whatever she can't do. I can be out of the country, and this does not change anything. It's like I am the only person who can fix whatever it is.
The problem is that is usually the case, so what to do...? I can't blame them. I would ask me for help too as I am good at helping. It's just exhausting having to juggle every one's issues. I try to set boundaries, but like I also can't stand to watch things go wrong if I could step in and help or fix it...😒
I know exactly how you feel. Therapists and people say you have to "learn to say no" but it is so difficult when no was never an option growing up.
They say that enables their behaviour. I want to say no and I resent them for expecting me to help but still you can't just watch people you care for suffering.
I am sorry you have to have everyone's problems burdened on you. People don't realise what a toll it takes.
This was me too. My mom was a single parent and I essentially became the one to rely on, especially once my sibling was born. I was used to basically taking care of myself if my mom was too busy, and suddenly I also had a baby to console and help her with.
Eldest daughter here too children are an option for me too not many benefits to it and the men don’t help so
Yup. Even in my late 40s my mother called me to tell me I needed to find a lawyer, and phone them to make an appointment for my "little" brother, who was only 40 years old, so obviously couldn't manage to do that himself. Life has improved so much since I ditched my toxic family.
Dealing with my brother’s property tax bill and the home insurance. He is 70 🙄
I ditched my toxic family too. I feel great
Yep. From a family of eight. 🖐️ Scapegoated child. I liberated myself at 62 last year. Had an epiphany on my last visit looking at photos of growing up.
Agree! Whew, life is so less negative and little to no toxic!
Omg this sounds so familiar to me. The boys are helpless in my family. I’m the oldest of us 6 (3 girls and then the 3 boys in that order). I was responsible for running the dairy farm all summer with my younger sister when I was 12. I milked the 50 cows while she did the feeding, our dad was working road construction 4 hours away. I was always out in the barn or the fields doing work that was more for a grown man than a super skinny little girl. Our dad was a Vietnam vet and was very volatile and we were so scared of him and to make any mistakes. I feel like I was way overworked compared to normal kids and then mom would go ahead and sign me up to babysit for the neighbors even though I never had a damn minute to myself. I will admit it and say that my mental health has been terrible most of my life with a lot of depression and anxiety and never really feel like I fit in anywhere. I had to quit working as a nurse by age 42 because of my body falling apart from back problems and arthritis. It’s hard to not feel some resentment when I can’t earn my own money anymore at the prime of my life where my wages would be quite high if I were still able to work. My family has no understanding of how I feel and I don’t come around as much as the others do who are still getting help with things that I would never dare to ask for. I feel guilty even writing on here in case someone figures out who I am.
I am ALL OF THESE and struggle with the anger that comes from being in this position.
Afraid to fall asleep at night. Has become a lifetime habit. Mind never shuts down.
Same!
I get peace by imagining myself in some disaster scenario. It gives the stress a 'reason' and eventually I can let it go for a 'rescue' and drift off feeling a lot better.
Whoah me too
Doc doesn't want to prescribe sleeping pills that work either. So tired of my worn out brain. I always seem to fall back into this little sleep pattern. I'm in a safe place. Kids all are grown. I know I don't even like to sleep but I know I should. I just cannot get back into a regular sleep pattern.
i can relate too..I just couldn't sleep when everybody is sleeping. . Until I can hear somebody else is awake for the day, then that's the time that I could finally sleep.
Parentification is damaging, causing major problems, trauma, and is crushing.
This!
Over-sharing warning:
I'm male and the second sibling, but I actually relate to most of this. Some parts less extreme, some parts more.
In my case, I've always been the moderator in my family, especially when my dad made big, life-changing decisions but didn't want to talk to mum about it, he'd tell me instead, and I'd have to break the news.
They've always believed in "being honest" with us about our financial situation, so now I feel crushing guilt if anyone spends anything on me, or does anything for me.
Even when I went to university, half my time was spent fixing things at home, and the other half was spent caught in the middle of multiple friendship groups. Dad ran away, so once I finished uni, I came back home to support my mum and siblings.
I'm 29 years old and barely even know who I am, because my whole life has revolved around supporting other people, and there's mathematically no way I can get out and have a life of my own.
Don't treat your kids like adults. They're not. They're your kids, and it's your responsibility to look after them, not the other way round
I hope you have access to therapy and are able to heal
You deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life
I'm also the second oldest child and the oldest son of the family. I'm also 29 and struggling with my identity and people pleasing. I can't imagine having to fill the role of my father in his absence. That sounds incredibly heavy and exhausting! My family was and is very religious so much of the patriarchal family burden was put on my shoulders and it turned me into a nervous wreck with anxiety. It really is sad how much pressure our society puts on children to grow up and be mature. Even our schooling is designed to send children directly into labor. I dream of a day when kids can be kids and follow their authentic curiosities and wonder. It's a world we're only starting to build but I'm glad you're here. Good luck and know you're never going it alone.
@@nussknacker9827 Thank you. That means a lot :)
@dallenpowell2745 That's so rough. My family (from parents down) are all non-religious. I can understand why some people choose to be religious, but it seems to cause so much unnecessary suffering, especially for today's children. Can't believe how many parents choose the rephrasing of a thousand year old book over listening to their kids actual needs
Even though it may feel like you are living in the shadow of your Fathers irresponsibility, you are more of a man. Best wishes.
I constantly struggle with the question of “are acts of service actually how I naturally show love or did I spend my entire life being expected to perform acts of service to justify my existence and now I just don’t know anything else” because of being made the 3rd parent
I always felt more like an appliance than a human. I help everyone else but when they don't need me, I may as well not exist.
Same. Hugs ❤🥰❤
You have put a word to how I felt / feel: An appliance.
🥲😞😢 You’ve described my life.
That was my life. If I said something to my folks because I was overwhelmed and needed to do homework or study, I got lectured, yelled at and hit for complaining, and told I was spoiled for having complained. My mother told me her house was my first priority, and so were her children. I had to parent my siblings and was the one who woke up and took my sister to school. I had to be there for them and couldn't just be a kid. My parents never acknowledged that and made me feel guilty for ever saying anything. Thank you for posting this. I don't feel alone anymore and know that I'm not crazy now for feeling the way I do.
I relate to your comment so much. I spent a lot of childhood feeling overwhelmed & guilty without understanding why. My mom also called me “spoiled.” It’s interesting how often that word is used to invalidate childhood emotions.
@@tjc4331 right? Especially when one or both of your parents are narcissists. They love to gaslight and invalidate you so that they can absolve themselves of guilt for making you the patent and abandoning there responsibility.
Yes, how hypocritical to call a child "spoiled" when all they did was feed, clothe and put a roof over your head. No hugs, the threat of physical harm constantly present, emotional abuse and neglect. Might as well have been cattle in the barn, but even cattle get a pat once in awhile.....
My dad thinks I have to be perfect as if he is. He isn't He's still this way. I'm not good enough, or is anything I do. . He's a perfectionist. He nitpicks. I'm 60 and so fed up with his unsolicited opinions/lectures/controlling tone.
I’m sorry you went through this. I feel like as a parent I made a lot of mistakes, but I hope I didn’t go this far.
Something that has stuck with me throughout my entire life (I am now 35) is, whenever I did ANYTHING wrong, no matter what it was or how insignificant...I was always told that I was 'Old enough to know better' - regardless of my age.
When my 3 siblings did anything wrong, they never EVER got told that, regardless of their age.
It put this pressure on me that has followed me in my life, that when I make mistakes or do something wrong, I should know better
I so relate! People who feel like they should know better often become hyper-vigilant and defensive. I think it's better for us to relax our self-standards in that case. Grace can sometimes accomplish that which dogma cannot.
People pleasing: a form of manipulation. Yup 😢 I had to swallow this pill, too. It's a control issue....managing my anxiety. Any loud voice or noise, and conflict makes me incredibly uncomfortable. This is so freaking hard. Healing is worth it, I know, but it's so hard.
Yup, same way and being super responsible for everyone and everything. My husband is the youngest. I did just about everything in the household. I knew no other way to be.
Same for me, too. I now prefer quiet and being alone.
I felt so betrayed after mending and reconnecting with my family. When my mom said 'That's your fault that no one does anything on Xmas or special occasions because you 'never let anyone help', I was crushed. For years I would cook an insane dinner. Beef wellingtons (Vegan wellingtons when my sister became vegan), all the trimmings, turkeys. All I was trying to do was create some kind of tradition and closer family. No one would have bothered to come out of their rooms or even be home if I hadn't. I cooked 'family' dinners since I was 14 after my dad left to make sure that my two younger siblings ate something homecooked. We also always had stray kids that had worse family situations that would stay with us for periods of time.
I feel you, and understand where your coming from. Despite having an older step sister, I always found myself in that role. She was the one that cooked, but she pushed back and then got married so I had to start cooking. I was 13 and it was the start of covid. So essential everything full onto me. We usually have a maid that helped around, but since it was online, we couldn’t. And so I was cooking full time for 6 family members. And one if the most stab in the heart thing my parents ever told me was the thing you’ve heard. “This x event went terrible cause you never let anyone help.” We have done our best, and continue to do so. And I see your heard work darling!
Dang that whole “that’s your fault” because you “ never let anyone help” was mad triggering for me to read! It’s been exactly 2 months since I blocked my mom and haven’t spoken to her. I feel so much better for it though!❤ sending you care! I get it!
Lots of love to you, girls❤ We will survive:) we've already been through a lot. Though learned helplessness caused by excessive responsibility and lack of encouragement is a real thing - look into it in case not to get stuck with you own lives
Did you not ask for help with cooking? Even as my children became adults, I asked them what they wanted to contribute to big meals. This gave them the option to make something or buy it.
Stray kids are real and it is good to hear you took some in. You may never know how your kindness might affect them later in life. I try to volunteer, donate to shelters, police because I was a stray kid too at one time. Usually, they want to help out too. Taking a management class might help?
I started “playing with” watching my 2 year old sister at the age of 4. My last sister was born when I was 14. I have 4 younger sisters. I finally escaped my parents at the age of 21. I never had a childhood. I’m still not an adult in the eyes of my parents. I didn’t realize that you shouldn’t leave a 4 year old in charge of a mentally disabled 2 year old. Every time I asked for help I’d get in trouble, I’d get yelled at. I had no childhood, I had no teenager hood but I did have short of an adulthood until they followed me here. I personally hate my parents and all the c-ptsd they caused. No friends, no time for myself, oh and we were Morman…
My job was to entertain my three younger sisters and keep them out of trouble.
My job was to entertain my 3 younger sisters and keep them out of trouble.
I loved that I was the adult in the relationship with my siblings until I pissed off Mom for something... and then I was slapped back to being a child who was less than my siblings. I walked my siblings to school, signed school paperwork, answered all phone calls from my siblings, taught them everything I could. Mom got angry that I taught them to be more independent because my siblings wouldn't appreciate help then. If I stepped in between arguments I was told to mind my own business but constantly told about Mom's marriage problems.
I was Mormon too and I’m the oldest of five and know how you feel. for me, it was “watch over your siblings until we get back“ and then, as soon as my parents came home, I was expected just flipped that off and not try and interfere in my brothers arguing and then would be yelled at to mind my own business that I wasn’t the parent but I was mad that I was stuck in charge of kids for all the time but then turn around and being yelled at just because they were home I wasn’t supposed to be involved anymore it sucked know how you feel I am so sorry for your pain and wish you the best on your journey. Sending hugs and good vibes.
Hugs! I was the oldest daughter of 13 kids in a Mormon household and was asked to rinse shitty cloth diapers in the toilet at age 9. I babysat and had to be like a second mother. Teachers in elementary school always asked me how many babies I was going to have, AS IF!!
I am the youngest brother, and was the adult child responsible for taking care of my older brother and the responsibilities of the house, dealing with problems, and even being my mother‘s best friend to deal with her horrible divorce and the shoulder to cry on when she got breast cancer, and even drive her to treatments. My brother never did any of those things I have all of the symptoms you are describing in this video and I’m a man.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve this. People sometimes call this "eldest daughter syndrom", but the right term is "a parentified child" because it's more inclusive.
@@ems.master Thank you for your very thoughtful, supportive and informative reply.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through. ❤
I see you. I was the eldest girl (guess I still am), but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen to boys too. I’m sorry you didn’t get to have a childhood. ❤️♥️❤️
If you acted like an older sibling then you fit the bill, join the club. 💪
Eldest child and eldest daughter of a single disabled mom household. I was also the eldest of my dad's new family after the divorce.
I did all the cooking, cleaning, babysitting, therapy for my single mom and was family mediator.
I moved out at 19 and while I still go visit my family, I'm much better mentally on my own.
I have found that I still play the role of eldest daughter in other parts of my life. I'm only happy when I feel useful and can help others.
It's been hard to create boundaries.
Omg, omg! This was informative but it was also painful to hear. I was made responsible for siblings since I was 5 years old. When y was 5, mother had me babysit my 3 year old brother while she got her hair done. When he refused to listen to me while she was gone and broke her lamp, I was spanked (not him) and not given dessert that night because I failed to be responsible for my brother while she was gone...and also late getting home.
When my grandfather was dying (which lasted 4 1/2 years) my mother went to help with him 3 days a week. Those were school days and began when I was 11 years old. It was my responsibility on those days to help my siblings with their homework (while getting mine done), cook dinner for them and my stepfather, clean the dishes, make sure everyone got their baths and dressed for bed and, if she stayed later, make sure everyone went to bed when they were supposed to. I was to make sure that my stepfather wasn't 'burdened' with any of this after a 'hard day at work making sure we had a roof over our head, etc."
I could go on and on, these were just the first two things that came to mind... and I'm 62 and still struggling. God I'm tired!
I hope your sibling appreciate your caring for them . Treat yourself now . ❤
I really did grow up feeling other people came first, often to my detriment.
I’m the oldest daughter in an extremely dysfunctional family. I can relate to much of this. My parents have both passed on, but many of those behaviors/ issues live on.
Story of my life. The thing that shaped me the most is that I was responsible for the life of my mom, so I needed to make sure that she doesn’t un@live herself. Everyone including herself said that and counted on me. Now I feel responsible for every life in my life and it is exhausting
So sorry to hear that.. this was true for me, too. I think most people don't undestand how deeply such a situation affects us. I'm still in therapy for it. But hey, I think I am slowly learning to live my own life now, and that feels amazing🎉🥲
May I ask how you cope with all that? 🫂
It's completely exhausting. My "mother" occasionally still verbalized these sort of threats. I've disconnected my 1400 miles, 20 years ago...I let her know police will be on their way. She back pedals unbelievably fast. At this point, I have little to no contact with her.
@@noradiehl5395 I am still kinda in it but I get better because of the distance (I live now an hour away from my family) and because of therapy. I am sorry that that happend to you and I am happy to hear that you are slowly doing better ♥
@@natascha_mephisto @natascha_mephisto Yes, distance definitely helps, I can confirm that.. There's not much I can say, but I will pray for you❤️ the fact that we're here already shows that we're on the right path I guess :)
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. Yes, it is exhausting to feel responsible for everyone. Hugs to you.❤
I’m the eldest daughter and I can identify with this. I have a sibling who has a disability. Once I was old enough I was expected to be home and take care of him and my younger siblings. Refusing was considered selfish. As an adult I’m always the one to call on when someone needs something. Never mind, I have three siblings who are perfectly capable of stepping in but I’m the one everyone calls. They never call unless they need something. . I’m absolutely burned out from caring for everyone’s needs.
Ignore the calls
I also am am oldest daughter with a sibling with special needs. My other siblings do not step in. I feel bad, but I moved out three years ago and am not putting pressure on myself to be able to care for my brother. I am not his mom. Keep on keeping on.
Females are "supposed" to be nurturing and are socialized/encouraged to be so. I know I was.
Also, I would say I USED to have these traits but I burned out a few years ago. I gave up. I figured if I kept expectations low, I'd never have to maintain a high standard when I didn't have the energy for it. Life is quieter and lonelier now, but overall easier.
I'm not a daughter, but I was the eldest child.
1. Waking up a sibling (and making sure we're dressed, fed and off to school on time), check.
2. Being confided to by my parent about her love life and troubles, check.
3. Being an overachiever, check.
4. Loaning money to a parent to feed her (cigarette) addiction, check (I operated a recycling business).
5. Resentful of the family, check (Me: "Are these people nuts?").
6. Struggling with feelings of guilt (turning down an opportunity to stay with a family in a great school district because my family needs me) check.
7. Difficulty in adult relationships, check.
Sorry to hear that. This video calls it 'oldest daughter syndrome' but it's actually 'parentified children.' No matter the age or gender, it's bad
I’m the eldest daughter who eventually went NC with my adoptive family because of all of the things mentioned and then some. I’m nearly 50 and still feel guilt when I have to establish boundaries. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have them even into adulthood.
First daughter here. Born from a narcisistic violent manipulative mother and a dad who loves me but was too busy at work.
Everything exploded when I learnt to stand up for myself once my brother was born and my parents expected me to clean after him.
Left the house at 17, applied to college and only talk to dad now.
No kids ever. I'm living all the safety I can provide myself, all that safety and comfort I never had.
My youngest sister accused me of abandoning them when I left home, so they had to cope with the parents on their own. I was shocked and deeply hurt, but obviously, she thought it would have been my responsibility to protect them.
To me it felt like she didn’t think I had the right to have a life of my own.
WOW! I know how you feel. Recently, my mom told me my younger brother( who has a disability) was angry at me for getting married. She also chewed me out for not protecting my younger sibling when he was physically abused by a teacher. I was eight years old at the time. She said it was my responsibility.
Same. I joined the Army straight out of high school. My younger siblings hated me for it. They got over it when they could "borrow" money. I stopped giving them money after our mother died and they both got married. They don't talk to me now.
Also same. My youngest sibling has said those exact words to me. Even now, we're all adults now, and I still fill the mom role with them
My 73 year old mother suffers from this greatly, and unfortunately, it’s morphed into a world class case of martyr syndrome.
Mine as well
@@lieselottewalz5130 🫶🏻
Same
She grew up in a different time when women could not even talk about how they felt, it was totally unacceptable to have a problem with things that people would get support for now.
My mom is in her late 50's, and same. She's literally disabling herself by refusing to rest. It's maddening.
Eldest daughter here....Thank You for this!! Each and every one of the 8 signs hit home for me. My Mom was the youngest child in her family, and, growing up, I often felt (and still do) it was my responsibility to support her emotionally, while helping out with my two younger sisters. (I wonder if those dynamics played into my sense of responsibility also). I care for my Mom now in her old age with little to no support from my sisters....they live far from me. I just hate my resentment and guilt. Would be so interested in learning more!
Where is your dad?
You can take surprise visit your sisters with your mother and give yourself a break,suggest a nursing home with the other siblings and your mother chipping in... the resentment will only grow if you keep abandoning yourself and your needs .
yeah, it is a type of parenting problem
@@jeremyeblack4987 My dad passed away 6 years ago.
I freaking hate being the eldest daughter. So much pressure, so much trauma 😔
9:34 Manipulate is WAY too strong of a word. Manipulate: "Control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously."
It is a negative word that connotes engaging in unethical behavior to get someone to act against their best interest.
People pleasing to avoid conflict & get treated right is definitely dysfunction but absolutely not manipulative. Frankly im shocked your therapist said that.
1) Because it was categorically the wrong word
2) All human interactions involve monitoring the other person's mood and acting in a way that facilitates them having a desirable emotional response. Ex. I see you twinge, realize Ive said something that makes you uncomfortable, I steer away from the subject, and then act more polite/sanitized for the rest of the interaction
Oh thank god it's not just me who thinks this 😅
Like I think I understand the point that Ms Kati and her therapist are trying to make, and I wouldn't be surprised if the therapist had purposely used the word "manipulate" to make a point to her client, but referring to it as "manipulation" is definitely overkill for the average non-therapist person.
Imo it could even be detrimental to classify people pleasing as manipulative bc for some ppl, being a people-pleaser is their only method of self protection. Like if they're in an abusive relationship with someone physically larger and stronger than themselves, and can only use placation or distraction to prevent themselves from being hurt. If someone who is in that situation sees this, they might take the negative connotation of "manipulate" to mean that their defense is immoral or something to be ashamed of, which can leave them more vulnerable to their abuser bc they've lost a tool to protect themselves. Or if the abuser themselves sees this, they may use it to bully or shame their victim, or as an excuse to increase their abusive actions, or even to gaslight their victim into accepting the abuse bc they """deserve it""".
To be clear, I'm not saying that being a people-pleaser is a good thing, or that if you recognize that behavior in yourself, you should just accept it or ignore it or whatever. But I think using a loaded word like "manipulation", while it can be helpful for someone educated about mental health, is not AT ALL helpful for a regular person who hasn't had that advantage.
No hate to Ms Kati! I just think that she could have done better to leave that info out, and use a more specific AND less loaded term to explain WHY being a people-pleaser isn't healthy for ppl to aspire to. It's not good for us, but we shouldn't be ashamed, bc this sort of mentality often comes from being abused or neglected, and that's not our fault. I say this as an inveterate people-pleaser lol, it's something I have been struggling with since I was a kid. I'm not gonna blame myself or call myself manipulative for doing whatever it took to survive. It wasn't my fault that some of the ppl in my life let me down. So it's not my fault that I had to find creative ways to look after myself, within my personal limitations of disability, mental illness, and physically small stature.
It's kinda like an old school RPG you know? Everyone gets a weapon that suits their class. The warrior has an axe, the rogue has a dagger, and the bard.....has a magical guitar 😅
@@bbo7002 🎯
Now that I’m 28 years old with two kids by the time I was 23, I can see that the ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome’ is the reason why I stayed close to home & ending up creating a whole new family to have to care for. Last year I had an epiphany that if I hadn’t been consumed with offering my energy to my parents I would have gone away from the state for college, I can see now I was never thinking of myself & that’s why my life is the way it is now.
It took the unconditional love of my children to break me out of these patterns, & im so proud of the woman I have become since my first born child at 21, and I’m excited to continue building towards the woman I know I can be !
It feels good to accept that this isn’t “just the way it is” like I was meant to believe, like I was told. I am free to know I have room for growth ! That was something I never thought I’d have !
I'm the oldest daughter and I had kids ( siblings) on my hip as long as I can remember.
When I couldn't pull through and failed at something- my mother was EXTREMELY ABUSIVE!!
I left by choice at 13yo. The court placed me in a girl's home.
My mother was so mad because I went against her, she made sure the family never forgave me. I wasn't allowed and even still 40 years later- I'm not allowed to visit anyone.
' mother' made sure to get the last word.
As for the rest of my family , it's still hurts -but I moved on years ago
No matter how many times I tried to defend myself, nobody listened because my mother made sure that since I was a kid, that I wasn't credible and should not be believed
I stopped punishing myself by almost begging my family to 'love me'. I am still working on getting my power back, but its still very hard at my age..
You got this love 💗 keep living and loving on you. You matter first remember that 💯
This is me. My younger sisters have left the country and I’m left responsible for my, now 93 year old mum, who looks on me as a sister/best friend. She doesn’t acknowledge that I’m 30 years younger.
I hear you! My father expected me, a wife and mom/ business owner/homeschooling teens, to suddenly move into his home to care for my dying mom, until she died, because I was the eldest daughter. Also, we were not told of her illness until weeks before. Also because "that is what oldest daughters have to do or why did I even have you?" My own family and I did push through that, getting mom into a safe place for her final weeks, but oh the drama.for not doing all the right things that I "Should have KNOWN were my responsibility." Yes, boundaries went up quickly!
Yeah, me, too. Cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, you name it. At 10 years old, I was fielding calls from bill collectors and helping my mother balance the check book. I could mix any cocktail they wanted, including a "mean" White Russian. Not to mention getting good grades, so they would be proud of me. During my teenage years, my mother told me that my 17 year old boyfriend had propositioned her. My younger sibling was taking drugs and shoplifting. HE got taken to a psychiatrist. But as for me, if I was still doing the chores, they told me I was fine. In reality, I was suicidal. I "ran away" though I was an adult at 19. I lived with a friend, and my mother literally ran her car off the road. Then, they threatened me with commitment to a mental hospital because I was "promiscuous and unbalanced." Finally, I saved enough money to fly to North Carolina. My first husband was in the Navy in Virginia. I asked him to drive down and we were married there because the legal age for marriage was 16. My folks called his commanding officer and tried to get him thrown in the brig. It was a nightmare, and in many ways, though I'm 74, parts of it still are.
That's awful
I hope your relationship / marriage wasn't abusive.
Usually we get trapped in abusive relationships
when we're desperate and trying to escape .
I hope you're doing well now after all those decades
I wish I were able to give you a big hug and adopt you as my granny
I hope you're safe, happy and loved now by wonderful people
@@nussknacker9827 Unfortunately, it was. My husband abandoned me with a 6 year old and an 18 month old. He cheated on me throughout our marriage. It took years, and lots of therapy, some good, some bad, to be told that I was not crazy and what I wanted out of life was "reasonable." Remarried at 30, and that relationship had its ups and downs, too, of course. I've come far, I hope, but I still have far to go.
i relate to ‘eldest daughter syndrome’. i was never a daughter. i was essentially another a parent.. at times the only parent. with saying that, caring for my family is a privilege and i feel lucky to have siblings and parents, because some don’t, but there are times i do wish i could have come first, aside from being born.
My mom was the eldest daughter who died when I was 11, after her death the crown was automatically given to me. Even though my mom's youngest sister who was in her late 20s still lived with her mother, I was expected to help my grandmom babysit my toddler cousins b'cos I was the eldest granddaughter.
What hurts most is once my cousins would return to their home and I was not needed my grandmom did not want me around. Not once my contributions acknowledged by her or my cousins' parents. My cousins went on to have successful lives while I still struggle with scoliosis and other mental health issues. I still hate them even though I've not seen them in nearly 20 years.
I wish I was smarter and not been so damn conscientious. It's never worth putting other people's well-being before
your own. Prioritize you.
You were a child. A kind and thoughtful one. Please give yourself some grace. ❤ no one else seems to have.
@@InnerGiggles Thank you for your validating words. It does take time to overcome this hidden abuse. As a child, you want to help and be kind but your kindness and naivety are exploited. Knowing what we went through was abuse and wrong is the beginning of our healing journey.
❤🥰❤
Oldest daughter/child of 8 kids. I have 6 younger brothers, and my only little sister was born when I was 16. People are baffled as to why I can't stand other people's kids, and I say simply, because I've been a mother since birth. I remember changing my brothers diapers when I was 4-5. I was a perpetual babysitter, chauffeur, I cooked meals, I was in charge of dishes (we didn't have a dishwasher) and I got punished with extra cleaning because "I did it better" but really it was just conditioning my brothers that weaponized incompetence works. We were homeschooled, so I remember helping my siblings with homework, helping put kids down for naps, folding laundry that wasn't mine etc. I have oldest daughter syndrome times a million. Unfortunately, I was also scapegoated in my family, so I have been no contact, and its probably the best thing I've ever chosen for myself. Take care of yourselves oldest daughters!!
Oldest daughter here❤ thankful for this video
This is exactly what my parents did to my sister. So sad. 😞
Please, show her this video and give her a support. Her childhood was stolen. I am the oldest sister, I wish my sister could recognize this. :-( But she thinks that it is ok for the oldest child to "slave" for the family.
As an eldest daughter/sibling i extremely relate to all that
My mind has just been blown. I was the oldest by 5 years, with a younger brother and sister. When my mother was hospitalized when I was 11, I was responsible for watching the younger ones and doing the housework. I still managed to make the honor roll. It is wonderful to hear that I am not alone. This is a real syndrome. I heard, "You're the oldest. You should know better," when I'd never been taught. And I knew way more about my parents' private life than I needed to know. Thank you for addressing this.
Like water for chocolate was a film I related to. I had to work in my dad’s business when I was 12 years old.he paid me less than minimum wage. I worked a 12 hour day every Saturday and 9-10 hours every Sunday. During the school year and every day during school breaks.The first time I was left alone with my baby sister I was about 7. I would do the grocery shopping by taking a radio flyer wagon and walking to the store. There was always too much responsibility on me, while my parents under functioned. They stole my childhood. I took the brunt of their frustration and was expected to be there for everyone and do everything while never being cared for myself. When I was 13-14, my parents told me I would be the one to take care of them in their old age. They forced me to go to nursing school and crushed my dreams of being an artist. I haven’t spoken to them in 33 years. There’s no room in my life for toxic and selfish. I live on my terms now. Still working through all of the damage, but I’m free.
My heart goes out to you. My respect to you. I am so glad that you are taking care of you.
I'm so happy that you're free now. ❤
My older sisters still hate me because of this....
Sheesh. Very relatable. Girls are strong as hell, and get taken advantage of for it. I'm the only daughter, and younger sibling of 2, but I remember even as an 8 year old when my mom officially passed away (she had been sick for 2 years), I was handing tissues to my dad & brother and telling them it would be alright, "mom's not in pain anymore" kind of stuff. No one checked in with me and my feelings. I just cried to myself at night when they weren't around.
Then a couple years later at 9-12 when my brother was doing drugs & also experiencing life ending feelings, I was the person bandaging his self-inflicted wounds, bringing him an upchuck bucket, & starting at 11, saving lunch money for his bus rides (or who knows what else since he was using) when dad kicked him out/he left permanently.
I also was the person who was changing my father's wounds when he had a large incision in his stomach that needed packed bandages changed daily, when I was 12, despite him having another wife and my Aunt living in the house at the time. But I had to be "the nurse" and take care of it. And anytime my Aunt didn't cook, dinner was on me.
Love to all the other daughters given too much responsibility too young. ❤
As the eldest daughter and child, I now have no emotional connection to my parental units.
I have no emotional connection to my parental units, but a deep love for my siblings. My house was the children vs the adults.
She described my perfectly; I'm crying and my heart is pounding because I just realized I need therapy. I had 2 hard-working stressed parents and 4 younger sibs. Started doing chores at about age 5 and by 16 I did all the laundry, meal planning and grocery shopping, and most household chores. I also had to make sure my sibs were safe, clean, had homework and chores done, and behaved appropriately. I was blamed for all that went wrong. If I complained I was told I didn't care for my family. Pros: I am the most educated (doctorate) and financially successful of my sibs. Cons: I have no children and am still helping my sibs financially. 3 sibs have children.
Boy did I relate to this video. I never understood before why I was such a people pleaser and always put myself last. I grew up always trying to achieve so much to prove my worth. My younger brother said I was “ bossy”. I always had trouble saying no to others and felt badly if I did. I grew up in the fifties 2 younger brothers, worked through high school, bought all my own clothes. My Dad was 😢away in the military a lot and being the oldest my Mother took a lot of her frustrations out on me. It has taken me years to learn to make myself count, learn to say no and stop letting myself be used by others. I now have a supportive husband Of 33 years and I can be me. I used to please others at the expense of my own happiness but am finally learning to set boundaries. Thankyou for this topic that makes perfect sense to me and helps me understand myself better. ❤
Watching early family videos can be instructive. As the oldest daughter I was struck by the care giving of my younger sister in a Christmas video. She was 4 and I was 8. She had received one of those plastic horses on springs that allow a child to rock and bounce. In the video I help her to climb onto the horse while my mother poses for my father with her cosmetics gift. I then put some of MY Christmas gifts, a toy gun and holster and cowboy hat on my sister so she can feel like a real cowgirl. Only after she is happy do I turn to my main gift, a microscope and isolate from everyone.
You sweet child. I can see how much you had to deal with, but I feel you and understand 💗💗
As the eldest daughter/sibling, I kinda knew about some of these symptoms/issues, but to see them neatly laid out and explained in this video has helped me tremendously. I felt so understood and validated watching this. I'm super grateful.
Same
I have C-PTSD as a result of domestic violence and was watching this for someone else... Wish you had put a trigger warning on the one where the girl was listening to DV happening outside the door.
I experienced all of the 8 signs... But one year ago I started to make some changes... I needed this video. Thank you.
Me too! It reaffirms what my therapist helped me sort out 10 years ago.
I'm technically the second daughter. But my older sister is 8 years older and was moved out by the time I was 10. So the things she did for the family fell on me. She's the one who first discovered dad's affair. I was the oldest in the home when my family fell apart and my grandpa died. I did everything I could to lessen the trauma for my little sister. I tried to do everything I could so my mom wouldn't cry. I did everything I could, but I still couldn't save the day. Looking back, my at the time undiagnosed ADHD would have made it even harder to be the completely perfect child, the one with no needs.
When my dad remaried, I gained a new little step sister and brother. That step sister would go on to steal my father. She never intended it. It wasn't her fault. He's the one who chose her mom over mine. He's the one who chose her over me and his other daughters. Her bio dad was an abusive monster and she cut contact with the moment the courts would let her. She was just as innocent and deserves a loving father like anyone else. But I'd be lying if I said there was no resentment.
I was the golden child. My oldest sister was also a golden child until she left home, left our family religion, made lifestyle choices that our family will likely never approve of, and dared to vote for the wrong party. So I was next in line to be the golden child. I got the good grades and made state band and was accepted to one of the best academic schools in the state. I never went to parties, was never friends with the "wrong crowd" (that wrong crowd including everything from kids doing drugs to the openly gay kids to the kids who just happened to not go to my specific church), only hung out with my church friends, never made mischief, never did anything. I lost so much of what being a kid is. Eventually, I considered myself a sacrifice. Sacrifice the golden child so the rest of the family can have peace. When my grandma was diagnosed with terminal cancer, when she lived with us while falling into dementia, forgetting us, suffering, and eventually dying, I didn't cry. I didn't complain. As a 14 year old, I watched the traumatizing horror of my beloved grandmother slowly losing everything and I didn't cry or complain. I was the shoulder my family cried on. When I was SA'd by a family friend at 13, despite trying to tell my family what happened with my limited knowledge and language, he was still in my home time and time again for years. In which time he continued to abuse me. I eventually learned to shut my mouth. No one was coming to save me. But I could do everything to save my mom and little sister.
Since adulthood, I've done lots of therapy and been working on myself. I quickly went from the golden child to the scapegoat and black sheep. Everything that made my oldest sister the black sheep before, I did, plus coming out as queer. I just happen to be more vocal and impulsive about what I say and do (plus I'm geographically closer and see family much more often). So I stole that title, which I now wear as a badge of honor. Someone has to be the family disappointment, so I'll take the role so my sisters and cousins can have an easy path to avoid it. Unfortunately, this passed the golden child role down to my youngest sister, but she's since outgrown that role. Now my parents are forced to accept that they don't get a golden child. They can meet us as we are or they can not. But we have all come to reject that role.
I will continue to live up to my role as the family disappointment so my sisters and cousins don't need to worry. Hey, I take as a compliment if I can disappoint the same people who gaslit me and taught me that women are less and did nothing to help me escape my abuser and wouldn't allow me to be friends with gay people and (some of them) didn't talk or look at me for over a year after I left their religion. The clear difference in treatment between me and the others kinda sucks, but it's life. If I'm not the disappointment, someone else will be. So why not?
This is extremely difficult to hear, but I went through all of that and fought every bit of the unfairness with all my being at the first sight of it. I fought it in every instance since I was little.
Some of these things I’ve known for a while, but never have I had it laid out so clearly all in one place. I am an oldest daughter and have an oldest daughter. Some mistakes I haven’t repeated, but if I’m honest there are traps I feel susceptible to falling into with expectations of my eldest daughter. I feel like I’ve only begun to start to unravel the tangled up mess. This is why I am struggling right now in many areas, the expectations, people pleasing, resentment, and resulting isolation. Thank for presenting this so thoroughly.
You have just explained my whole life and why i have been so angry over the last year. I was processing my resentment. I cant thank you enough for making me feel normal and that i am not alone.
Eldest daughter and child (and only daughter) right here! I'm super interested in this!
I hope you found it interesting and helpful :) xoxo
@Katimorton I definitely did! Thank you! I think my parents did a lot out of necessity, but it helps me understand the way I am. My mother was raised to have very adult responsibilities as well, and she didn't know any different in many situations when raising me. Hopefully, knowing what to look out for, I can avoid laying the same weight on my daughter, who is my eldest child.
Katie you have a way of knocking me in my kneecap. As an eldest child of a substance misuse and mentally ill poverty stricken family I cut ties with all 3 yrs ago but the effects still linger as I reflect on my current state of life. It’s not easy to acknowledge but even more to change.
My brother was 30 when he suddenly said sorry to me.
Then my mum did.
After that she said that he started therapy, and it shows. Now it looks like he finally understands that I was mistreated by my parents and he was taught to do the same. I was bullied at school by my classmates, and at home - by my sibling.
We live in different countries, but now I finally have a brother, not a person who takes and never gives back. He built a relationship with my son, that often chat online. I know I can call for help and he st least will try to.
My mum doesn't want to start therapy, but she is doing her best to break the pattern. She's not perfect, but she helps a lot and it counts.
I don't communicate with my father. Never. My extended family were surprised at first, now almost no-one talks to him. Toxic and selfish, needs to look good in other people's eyes and always be praised.
I left my husband. I asked him to go back to being an adult, he told me he wanted to be a teenager again. I don't need one more child, I already have two to take care of. It's hard, but it pays off. I am happy. I am free. I am a better me now.
Wow Katie this is so validating and helpful, thank you so much 🙏❤️ I was the eldest of 3 girls who grew up with an emotionally unavailable and unstable dad, our mum having left the family when I was 8. I relate to everything you describe here. Only now, in my 40s am I having therapy and making the changes you mention. I love the tips.. honestly its the best feeling just allowing myself a treat, long bath, or doing nothing watching TV. The guilt still comes but it is less now. I married the youngest son of 5 who is described by his family as never having to do anything for himself when he was little! I'm working hard to make sure my teenage son and daughter feel equally important, appreciated, seen and valued ❤❤
Oh, for sure this was me. Explicitly. I was expected to comfort and mediate my parents' conflicts, and any conflicts between my siblings, or between my siblings and parents. I was expected to listen and sympathize with my parents frustrations with each other and life. I wasn't shielded from anything. I knew when we'd barely made rent or when my mom didn't get new shoes so we could. I was expected to watch my siblings when my parents weren't home, to never have activities or friends that would inconvenience the rest of the family, and to make honor roll. I was the first one to have my extra carriculars canceled if there were any conflicts or financial constraints. If the house wasn't clean or the chores weren't done it was my fault, not my father's, because I was too lazy to help my mom manage the house like I should. My parents would also use it to point out how much I was doing and try to shame my siblings into achieving more. It sucked.
So glad you're back in my algorithm.
I appreciate you bringing your insight to this issue.
I experience some of these but my second sibling definitely did.
As the eldest i felt responsible when my mother abused my 2 years younger brother. I struggle with guilt 30 years later. We need to talk about sibling abuse.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for explaining this... now I understand myself better. I hope your work helps people to be better human beings, better parents, and help us heal who was not fortunate enough to have a loving childhood.
Kati - thank you for this video. Your information is extremely helpful. I can relate on so many levels. I moved away from my family when I was 19 yo because I was broken & couldn't deal with the shame I was dealt my entire life with our family dynamics. I still struggle with my upbringing and have been in therapy to resolve my issues.
I was 8 months pregnant with our first child, and was in the driveway chopping firewood when my old country doctor came by. After scolding me for doing what he saw as my husband's work, he walked me inside and sat me down in the kitchen, and made us a pot of tea while I sobbed at his kindness.
This is such a good overview and descriptions of what it feels like to be the oldest girl.
I am really glad that you have kept fighting and kept working towards betterment of society. You have changed a lot but also, have come a long way from being curious, always energetic, shinning in the eyes to calm, composed, mature and responsible now.
Although I found your channel few months back but still...
I hope and pray that you keep doing well in every aspect. and I will also suggest you to NEVER stop your free advices and guidance you provide through different channels and if possible, please try to conduct a free podcast/webinar/live once a week or fortnight.
Thank you Kati and Stay blessed 💚🙏
I have not watched a video that has fit me so well. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I had to be the role of my father and mother. I am glad I watched this. Gave me the ability to look at myself kinder. Knowing some of why(s) will be helpful. I am 62 and wish I had this information 30 years ago. Never too late...
Thank you for bringing up this topic! I think that the way relationships with our siblings affect us aren't discussed enough.
My younger brother was born when I was 9 and I was so excited back then that I'll have someone to play with. And because of this big age gap I soon became his third parent. I had two major responsibilities: learning well and taking care of my brother. During holidays I was the one responsible for spending time with him or going to playgrounds where I felt that I shouldn't be playing or running but behave like a parent. I had to be patient, responsible and willing to sacrifice my time and I felt guilty whenever I wanted to do something for myself when my brother wanted to play with me. His needs and wants were always more important than mine. And because I wasn't exactly a parent, I didn't deserve his respect. And I feel like in my past relationship I also took the role of an older sister especially that I was the older one, and he had some of my brother toxic traits.
And I've never felt so free and liberated as when I moved out to another city. I could finally be myself, do things I wanted and sometimes even behave like a child, running around the office or being excited even about some very small things. I got completly new energy. Earlier my parents used to say that there's no life in me and that I'm flegmatic while at work I'm one of the most energetic ones. But whenever I go back home I feel like ny energy is sucked out by my younger brother. I love him, but I feel so good being far away from him
I dont feel like I had a real childhood. "Stolen childhood" - Dr. Ramani calls it and I cannot agree more.
Oldest daughter and the oldest grandchild here! My tasks never ended. When on holidays at grandmother's house every summer - I had to take care of all her grandchildren. I hated the "holidays", I never felt like I have any vacation. I was following my spoiled evil cousin around so he does not hurt grandma's animals or his brother or damage something. Just out of spite, cause he knew, I WOULD BE PUNISHED. And I was! In 99% of cases! I hate him to this day. I have not a single positive feeling towards him. He is no longer allowed in my life. He is a spoiled rotten narcissist, using and abusing women.
It was my father who would punish me for his bad behavior, because my (maternal!) grandmother would tell him that I did something wrong. I was mentored on the way home, which used to take 30 mins, then got beaten by his belt for being rude to grandmother. Which I never was!!! Then back at home I was again the parentified oldest daughter and parent´s personal therapist trying to keep going their very toxic marriage. Mission impossible. There is so much more.
42 now, I went no contact with my whole family 3 years ago. I am at peace now, but I miss having real parents and childhood. :-(
That’s exactly what I went through. Moved out early so I could get a break. I’ve been a mom since I can remember, but I did have good parents. It’s a very conflicting feeling. The validation is great to hear.
Same! I moved out into my own apartment at 19. I am the oldest of 9-7 brothers, 1 sister (5 years younger). I had good parents. But being so responsible all the time was mentally and physically exhausting. I got into therapy when my mom came to live with us. I didn’t get a lot of help from my siblings.
Bingo! All 8 of your points fit me perfectly! I am the oldest of 5 children, with 16 years between myself & my youngest sibling, who considers me his 2nd "mom"! You have done an excellent job explaining the Eldest Daughter syndrome, so thank you, because I have tried to effectively explain this& haven't been able to articulate what I was responsible for in my family, that none of my siblings were expected to do! It's so frustrating & exhausting to this day & it has affected all of my relationships, including my marriage!
So thank you for talking about this topic!
There is one more thing that I experienced, which I was never told that I was responsible for, but I soon found out that my mom expected me to make sure that all of my siblings didn't get injured or hurt when we were outside playing in our neighborhood of 25 kids! But I quickly learned this the hard way when one of my younger siblings skinned their knee & went running to mom. When I walked in the door, my mom was comforting my crying sibling & I got punished & sent to my room for neglecting my responsibilities of keeping my siblings safe while we were outside playing with our own friends!
I never understood (consciously) why I am always the life coach to most everyone I know, and the extraordinary people pleaser that I am. I am always the one to ask for a text to make sure people made it home safe. I am the one to “take care of” and ensure others are happy at parties and gatherings. Boundaries are nebulous at the best of times. I am the eldest daughter, granddaughter, and grandchild. This was a revelation. Thank you so much for this video!
Same here-
For 10 years I attempted to set boundaries with my parents, had my child almost 9 years ago and the whole time they disregarded my boundaries. I was clear in what I needed for myself and my child and they thought it was a game.
I cut them all out of my life last May. It wasn't easy, although I set the intention a year ago that I was walking away and it gave me the chance to forgive them and pray and forgive in my own space. ❤
Oldest and only daughter and my mom's oldest child. I was trrated like a "friend" and "confidant" by my narcissist mom since I was a young teen, called a "prima donna" despite doing more chores than my dad or brother, and emotionally neglected. I'm constantly feeling guilt, shame, and like im responsible for everyones emotions. I have lived w depression and anxiety since I was a young teen. It is very hard for me to accept let alone ask for help.
Oh my gosh - I haven't even started the video, and, I'm ALL in (that's me + an only girl) --- I have never heard of the "Eldest Daughter Syndrome", however, at only 3:00 minutes in this completely resonates with me - 🥰
Oldest child/daughter here and yes to everything said. Immature parents, my mom used me as her confidante for marriage difficulties, always responsible for my three siblings. Given no care/help when I had my kids. Went through a whole divorce without any calls from my mom, even though my young self helped her through hers. I’m 50 now, she still doesn’t see me as an equal. I did better with my daughter!
I struggle with everything mentioned. I cryed my heart out when I turned 17. I knew being an actual child was gone. I hadn't even been one and I grieved for that longing of being a carefree child. I'm the oldest of 3 girls. My 2 younger sisters didn’t get our parents in the era I did. They will never truly understand where I'm coming from. Insist on how I should forgive and forget. I've tried so hard but at every turn both parents are still doing or saying hurtful things. I was always made to feel like there was no love or patience for me. I was just to carry the load of chores and childrearing. Two things that do stand out to me. Are that I can't take a compliment. Nor am I good at receiving any gifts. I just shut down at both. Makes me feel horrible but I'd never truly felt worthy of anything. I love doing those two things for others. I even feel guilty when buying myself anything.
I'd get asked why no kids. Well It had to do a lot with how I had no childhood. I'm in my mid 30's and pregnant now. But it was a very hard decision. I've told my husband of 14yrs that knowing he will be the father (& I the mother) we both never had has definitely helped me. Pray for our baby girl she has to be taken to the NICU as soon as she's born. She'll be receiving life support treatment for her Congenital diaphragmatic hernia. 🥺
So helpful, thank you. I unfortunately connected with most of those traits but I am glad there are activities I can do to improve myself. ❤
I always felt terrified that something would happen and it would be my fault. Don’t worry, Gail will take care of it. I’m 70 and I still feel responsible and guilty for moving away 15yrs ago. 3 brothers 2 sisters and I still get told I left them……” You don’t care about family”. I was babysitting since I was 4. My 2 sisters were born when I was 13 & 14. I had to take them everywhere with me so much that some people used to say it was disgraceful…..at my age……..they thought they were mine. I am still feel responsible, even though I’m no longer there.
As a partner to an eldest daughter (and yes, I am the youngest son) this really hit like a freight train. Thanks for pointing out that the people pleasing comes at a huge cost - one of the issues we've had to work on is the fact that the people in the 'inner circle' of the person with EDS (usually only one or two people) are the only people that they feel comfortable asking for help from. So they end up being the default option to lean on with all those extra responsibilities, and become a 'people pleaser by proxy'.
Eldest daughter here. When I was 10, I was the one getting up at 2, 4, and 6am to take care of and feed my youngest brother. My parents abdicated their responsibility to me from that point on. Always responsible for everyone else and resentful about it. And it's carried over to adulthood - constantly wanting to help to feel needed. Thank you so much for this video.
That's me without a doubt! I was a child adult from as young as 10 years old. This video was very affirming
This video resonated with me so much.... All 8 are incredibly relateble. I am the eldest child, eldest and only daughter of four kids. My nickname was "The Little Mother" and I was so poud of that as a child. I was so worried about everyone and everything and trying to keep everyone okay that I was diagnosed with multiple stomach ulcers at 11. I am still stuck in a loop of always putting others first, taking care of them and don't even know how to put myelf or my needs first at all. I am totally going to rewatch and process this video again as there is a lot to unpack. Thank you so much for bringing my awareness to this, as it very much has opened my eyes to some of why I do what I do too and I am greatful you also provided some first steps to healing too! :D
I too was labeled a “little@ mother. My 4 youngest brothers refer to me as their second mother. I bear no resentment towards my parents. It was the way it was.
This explains a lot about other people, too! Some people have been "younger siblings" with everyone their whole lives. Their emotional management has always been dependent on other people and circumstances, so they can't reregulate themselves until someone steps in to soothe them, otherwise the universe is against them. Letting these "younger siblings" struggle to reregulate themselves isn't just about emotional self-protection; it's about believing in someone enough to let them learn the hard way.
Eldest daughter here with 3 younger brothers. And daughters were rated as zero compared to the boys. Babysit, cook, clean, you name it. Extremely strict curfews too. Neither parent ever asked me to mediate between them. That must have came later than the 1970's. I was supposed to keep three brats quiet so dad could sleep. My mom worked second shift, and my dad worked third. And they went out of their way to be loud and make messes on purpose. I was a total failure to them, but "boys will be boys" excused them for everything, and all I heard was "Why can't you be a better daughter?" When the sexual harrassment amped up, I had to leave home for a year at age 16.
This, with the duality of parentification due to drug addict parents. I am 7 and 12 years older than my brothers.
Oooh wee, as the Eldest Daughter, these are spot on. Thanks to therapy, I am working though these things, and so happy with my growth ❤
Same
Im eldest daughter of 5 siblings. This video and comments hit spot on. I struggled with myself, relationship, and how to properly raise my 3 little humans. Not long ago "months", ive finally took that step back to recognize on how to heal in a healthy way. This video helped so much.