hi friends!! 🦋 omg since filming this I’ve seen so many TikToks on “eldest daughter syndrome” and apparently this is a THING!!! thanks to all your luvly feedback on my rambly-podcast-style-pour-my-heart-out videos, I decided to share my thoughts on a conversation I had with a friend last week about how I feel being the eldest daughter of my fam has shaped me!! I’m soooo intrigued to hear your experiences of daughterhood 🌷 big love n hugs from afar
i love this new era of jade- who seems even more authentic and at peace with herself. as a teenage eldest 'daughter' who also struggles with the nuances of being non binary, this really resonated
Thank you so much for talking about this! Every single thing you said really resonated with me!! And you gave some really good advice that i will hopefully become more conscious of. It’s not always easy be the eldest daughter but we learn a lot about ourselves and others. And once we free ourselves from these expectations, we’re pretty powerful beings 🦋😊
hiii my therapist told me about this person called Rosjke Hasseldine and she talks about the mother daughter relationship and it honestly helped how I view my mother and have more empathy for her and also how I relate to myself (and have better boundaries for myself/ take care of myself) and relate to other women!! Def would recommend checking her out!
"Women are so good at controlling themselves and controlling their lives because we're so used to having everyone want us to control ourselves" - That hit hard.
Seeing this reflection come from you as a fellow eldest daughter who LOVES her family... really opened my eyes. I didn't want to accept it, but even having a healthy loving family does not shield us from putting a burden on our own shoulders. I've been trying for years to understand the cause of my own struggle with perfectionism, guilt, fear of letting people down. This guilt is something visceral, I had it since I can remember in childhood, and even though now at 22 I can recognise what is rationally worth my attention, I still can't help but feel this great feeling of responsibility for everything. I was reflecting with my old time friends once and I said "I can't tell where this guilt comes from, I didn't even grow up catholic (lol) and I have a better family than most people" and they just said it with such a calm and obvious tone "You are the eldest daughter"
I definitely go through this. Unfortunately, growing up i was always praised for how little I could make myself. My nan would lowkey congratulate me on taking one slice of bread instead of two, being polite and quiet around others, keeping a calm demeanour... My mum would encourage me to stop thinking about myself because others may have it worse etc etc. I was always that way inclined but the encouragement to disregard myself was relentless. After 25 years of micro learning these habits, I currently feel like a shell of a person and now I get ptsd symptoms upon returning home. Emotional regulation is taxing, especially when you're doing it for the betterment of others and suppressing yourself in the process. I really needed this video essay today. I needed that reminder that my family are NOT my responsibility.
i’m usually a silent viewer but this really spoke to me. you articulated this so well, and i’ve never consciously realised how much as eldest daughters we fall into this! beautifully done jade
I'm an eldest daughter too and for me I think it also comes with a lot of imposter syndrome. When people (outside of my family) compliment me on being so smart, or kind, or understanding, I have trouble actually believing them because I know I could be better, it's what I have always been taught. I'm by far not perfect, and if someone tells me I'm really great, I can only think about how far from perfect I still am, and I feel like the biggest fraud. Thank you Jade for this video, it was a fresh perspective on something I've thought about a lot already, and I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts on it
I feel so seen!! (Even though I'm the middle child) I am my parent's only daughter and have always been the mediator in my family. A lot of people (including my family members...) have told me I acted more like the oldest because I was "mature and responsible" and I was the "easy" kid. I really wasn't, I was just a people pleaser who was perfectionistic and too scared to share any of my problems with other people. I will say, I'm doing much better now, but it does take a lot of unlearning the habits I grew up with. Jade, I've been watching your video's for years now, and I'm always too scared to comment haha, but I just wanted to say thank you! It means a lot that you open up discussion on this topic! I'm sure a lot of people will see themselves in this too
Jade, I’ve barely started the video but I’m crying at how understood I feel after reading your definition of daughterhood. I’ve only recently started thinking about the expectations and characteristics that come with being the eldest daughter. Thank you so much for showing this side of yourself to us, and I hope we can all recognize and heal these parts of ourselves as we grow♥
This video hit SO HARD for me. Absolutely, as the 2nd oldest of 4 and the oldest daughter, I've always been hyper-independent. Literally not wanting anyone in my family see me cry and having this feeling that "they can't help me". Also seeking validation from grades and being high-achieving. You made a great point about feeling capable and tying so much of your identity to being capable and dependable. I think it stems from wanting to be something stable so badly for others around you. And this almost makes it hard when you're changing or realizing new things about yourself when you're trying to fit yourself into other people's lives.
Oh man, this one hit hard. I'm the youngest and the only girl in my family. Growing up, I always felt like my competence or intelligence was constantly questioned in part because of my place in the birth order and in part because of my gender. It's no wonder my BIGGEST insecurity as an adult is whether or not other people think I'm smart.
Totally feel this as the only daughter of a family. Despite my parents not often speaking it out loud, I always felt immensely pressured to achieve in all aspects, and to take responsibility for my parents in a way that my brother never did. It’s like an unspoken expectation. When my brother does the bare minimum and shows up to a family gathering every once in a while, it’s a celebration. Whereas I’m expected to be at every gathering, entertaining guests and making people feel at home. It’s something that I’ve found my boyfriend, who comes from a big family with sisters, just cannot comprehend. “But did they actually ask you too”? He says, as if the words are not shouting at me already through this generational mentality that women have been forced to pass down to their daughters to help them survive.
Omg, the way I almost started crying (but of course not in front of my parents cause why make them worried) is so real. I have never felt soo heard and seen. Thank you so much Jade for discussing this topic and sharing your thoughts. You've literally changed the perspective of a 15 year old for the greater good. Much love and appreciation 🫶✨️
as an eldest daughter, I've dealt with disordered eating, self-destructive coping mechanisms and mental health crises ENTIRELY on my own as part of my perfection-seeking tendencies. I don't feel as if I deserve help from everyone. I still want to help everyone.
Jade you know what, I have a folder in my RUclips playlist called "watch this whenever you feel down!" I saved this to that folder. To talked from my soul.
I think you’d love the book- The Art of Happiness- it talks about compassion, the importance of interdependence and developing self love, it’s an amazing book and really changed my perspective on a lot of things! It’s in conversation with the dalai lama and an american psychologist so two very different views on humans coming together
I’ve never felt so understood as an eldest daughter it’s like you collected all my thoughts over the years that I’ve kept in my head and spoken them out loud to me and made me feel validated. You’re a treasure thank you for this video Jade. Sending love to all my eldest daughters, keep being you whilst realising your own worth and knowing it’s okay to put yourselves first too 🤍✨🙏
This was so well articulated. I've been on a journey this summer discovering exactly this about myself. My therapist said to look into codependency, the core theme of which is a desire to control others and yourself to make sure everyone is happy and likes you. The most powerful thing I've learned in therapy is that I am fully sovereign over only myself, and each person is also sovereign over only themselves. If someone is upset, it's not my job to fix it or my fault. If a friend doesn't want to take my advice, I cannot force it. Conversely, I don't need their approval to make decisions about my own life. It's so strange but that feeling of always needing to be a "positive influence" (control others), or needing to be perfect for others (my family), or needing to check to make sure someone is not mad at me, etc etc it's like it's all fading away. I was putting sooooo much energy into this desire to make everything and everyone happy and perfect. And it's like wow who knew, turns out the world is totally imperfect and the only person I can help be happy is ME. I can feel a lifelong burden being lifted and there's nothing quite like that.
this is something i've been working on in therapy and noticed in a lot of my close friends... i never realised that this is indeed something more universal than just me and my close people✨
Wow. As I was listening to this video I kept thinking, "yup, I relate to this," but when you said that you wanted eldest daughters to find a partner or groups of people who allow you to explore your inner child; to be messy and make mistakes and authentically express yourself, I was genuinely taken back. I started tearing up. This was absolutely beautiful, Jade. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
Wow. İve never heard anyone actually speak about this before but its such a big issue for all us big sisters out there. İm the eldest of four girls in my family and recently been really struggling with the pressure and my parents expectations and trying figure out what i want to do with my life. We need more videos like this!!!!!!
This made me feel so heard!!! I’m also an eldest daughter to a younger brother and sometimes I struggle putting my feelings into words and this had me so excited because it was so true to my experience too❤️☺️
I'm the eldest daughter to one brother and I feel it ..every word 😭❤️..and even people always assuming I'm older than I am ..as a person I feel I need to help and solve problems and be the optimistic one around for everyone and as I am grateful to have the chance ..me hearing this feels so warm and lovely 🫂💖
Hi, just wanted to comment that I too started crying. I have 2 older brothers, so even though I am the youngest, as only daughter this resonated so much with me. It never really occurred to me how much being the only daughter effects me, that it is one of the big reasons why I am the way I am and why I have these struggles. I felt so seen. Thank you❤️✨️
You really took the concept of "big sister advice" and found a whole new direction to spin it! Love it! As an eldest kid (I'm nb but afab so functionally a daughter in my family's eyes lol) I really related to your points about making sure everyone's happy! It feels like a lot of spinning plates, especially with separated parents and a single parent, the pressure is even higher to make sure they're not lonely and feel loved and seen. I'm glad I bring support to my loved ones but holy crap sometimes it's tiring
I’m actually crying this felt like a warm hug and a chance to be seen. It explains so many things. I never thought about how directly my eating disorder, my empathy and so many other things are linked to me being an eldest daughter. Your hopes for us as a community are inspiring and yes, we will become a community of powerful eldest daughters (I’m manifesting it!)
I'm the oldest of three children, and have never thought about this before. I definitely relate, and have always been viewed by my parents as the sensible, easy one, and have been trusted to do much more by myself than they have at the same ages. My parents are also divorced, and as a teenager, my mum has often confided her troubles to me, which can be emotionally quite tiring. I have also been told off by my dad's parents for 'mothering' my siblings when she's not around ("You're not their parent!"). I think it's both a blessing and a curse, as I have always been proud of being the eldest, and I love my younger siblings more than anything ever, but I do feel like there is a lot of expectation for me to always be well-behaved and hardworking, always getting good grades and never being in trouble.
This video just hits to close to home... As the eldest daughter it was so relatable and be able to see most of the stuff that it's been really important lesson throughout my life. And actually the hardest one is been to understand on a subconscious level that achievements doesn't define you as a person, because of the way we end up seen "achievements", that is ok to not be perfect the whole time and you don't owe things to people just because you exist. That is ok to become your own person and have your own journey and don't be the mirror to peoples expectations and ideas of who you are, at the end of the day is for you to decide who you want to be...
This is so real. In a house where there is abuse, you may the one who stands up to the adult abuser. You pay a heavy price for this, so many times over. And while the victims need your protection at the time, they may later transfer blame for their pain onto you because its too difficult to face the reality of the abusive parent. A heaping serving of misogyny mixed in with all of it. Its another sacrifice you make that no one has any intention of ever recognizing or expressing gratitude for.
my first time hearing about this concept. i recognise so much of this in my own life. started realising over the last few years how easy my younger brother had it. no wonder he's chill all the time.
First thing, I just got emotional after the first 5 minutes...😢🤧 As the eldest daughter and child, I can relate this so much!!! I mean, growing up, I've had those thoughts or feelings. But, usually I would conclude them as 'I'm maybe a people pleaser' or just a 'weak girl' or 'a perfectionist' or or being too open about my emotions or something related to either religion, ethnicity, or culture. And those thoughts still scares me out, making me feel worthless and too soft at some point. And maybe that's what led me to keep things with myself... Thank you, Jade! You just made me open my eyes to the brightside. I dont know to say- I can't come up with words to express how much this video just meant so much to me.💖
omg this hit so hard. i even cried at the end, that "my worth does not need to be defined in my achievements but merely in my existing" really resonated in me and, I think, started to heal that wound for me. so thanks a lot for making me feel understood, see that I'm not alone, and help heal my inner child🫶 i truly loved this video
Jade, as the eldest of 4, i resonate with this so much. you so accurately described my experience of being the eldest daughter. i’ve been thinking loosely about this recently, but to hear you talk about it and put it into words has given me such clarity about my experience growing up - from the expectation to be a confidant and a peacemaker to sacrificing my own emotional needs - i feel so incredibly seen, Jade. Thank you for this video ❤
as an only child that emigrated with her mother and saw her enter and exit multiple relationships and grapple with the struggles of being in a new country, i relate so much to the hyper-independence you mentioned here jade
This hits home💗. I thought that I was the only one or that it had to do with my culture. But I see more young woman that are the eldest of only daughter talk about this and realize that we are just so kind and sweet but also very strong. Thankyou for making this video😘.
You just described my experience dealing with self-taken responsabilities, being stressed about my younger brother's security and feeling emotionaly lonely. I felt the need to grow fast to be 18 years old because my stronger worry was not to be able to be independent and help if someone in my family had a problem (specially my brother ). I still struggle with intrusive thoughts and seeing I'm not the only one is relieving. I can see the circunstances create this needs/feelings and there's nothing wrong with us. I love how you create a space to learn about mental health. Thank you for creating this kind of content! Un abrazo desde Alicante (Spain)
Wow. The 20-min video just explained my whole personality and where all my problems in any kind of relationship come from (not being capable of communicating my emotions well, the fear of giving own opinion, people-pleasing, should I go on?:)) and the role I hold in my family. I have been working on these problems for the last couple of years, trying to be more open with my friends and partner, but never really thought about the reason I am like this. This speech was truly eye-opening. I am so so greatful to you, Jade! The way you articulated this phenomenon is just... wow. I also absolutely LOVE the idea of not neglecting completely our "good-listener-emotional-helper" trait, but to rather see it as a skill that not so many people have and that can become our strength if used when it's truly needed and does not ruin our own emotional state. Thank you so so much one more time!
Thank you so much,Jade❤ I love you . Your video just made me feel like a good close friend of mine are talking and both of us are reflex and enjoying the time,and you just talking about things that I really thinking for a long time.
as the eldest daughter and granddaughter, a big sister of two little brothers and a female cousin of 6 male cousins, I cried my heart out watching this video. Thank you Jade, I feel seen and heard
I can absolutely relate being the middle child and a daughter, being the elder sister for my younger brother has to take on lots of responsibilities, and younger to my older brother and since I’m a girl, I gotta cook, do chores, as well as teaching my younger brother Chinese and everything is expected of me ( but also Becuz our eldest brother is busy with uni) so yea a lot of the times my parents will blame me for my younger brother’s behaviour and I’m the least appreciated 😢😢
the part where you said "i hope all eldest daughters find a partner who let them connect with your inner child" i felt so seen. because my boyfriend makes me feel exactly like that. and i always wondered why i feel so so connected to him and why i suddenly feel so "light" around him other than being comfortable woth him. you just filled in that blank in my head, he makes such a safe space for me to express all my silly desires without feeling weird for even one second. ahhhh i love him so much! ❤
wow, I resonate with this video in a way I never considered. High achiever, eating disorder, was reading self-improvement books since I was 9. Another way I think this has manifested is that many people have described me as extremely optimistic, even at the lowest points of my life. I've always felt a pressure to monitor my thoughts and always look at situations from a "higher", wiser perspective. My brother often complains about menial things like what food we have in, workload etc., and I realise I would feel immensely guilty for bothering anyone with that sort of thing. Anyway, great video, this really helped me understand why I monitor myself and act in certain ways.
Oof this video couldn't have come at a better or worse time. Literally as I was watching I had some boundaries crossed by my mom (one of the only I had in place) and just kind of had to brush it off like always. It comes with the territory of being financially dependent as well as an eldest daughter but man it hurts sometimes. I'm 20 and the oldest of 8. Love my siblings, love my parents, and so grateful for what I have. Still it gets really old feeling like a daughter, a sister, and frankly a mother, but not a human being that can exist on their own. I don't want to be a caretaker or a therapist or a mediator anymore. But at this point it doesn't feel like I can be anything else until I move away
Oh my god Jade. I am usually a silent viewer. I've been a subscriber for years and years but have never commented. But THIS. I'm only 6 minutes in and I am so so struck by how seen I feel. I'm the same age as you and also from a 2 child family, and you articulate so well and so beautifully how I feel 24/7. I've not often consciously ascribed all these traits and my overloaded brain to my position as eldest daughter but you put it all together in a way that makes such sense to me. I don't think I've ever related to youtube content like this. Thank you thank you thank you. We should start a club- the eldest sisters healing circle hahaha x
You just put into words exactly what ive been feeling but couldnt wrap my head around. I was literally needing to scream into a pillow today and still couldnt put a finger on what was bothering me. But like you mentioned i carry everyones emotional weight but my own and no one else helps me with it they in fact make it worse. So im going to keep this video and try to start turning my attention toward myself
Definitely spoke to something, I relate to a lot of these things even though my family never consciously put pressure on it, I still feel the need for academic achievement, and to care for my younger siblings and emotional needs of others, thus struggling to open up myself. Thank you for putting yourself out there, I really enjoyed and learned from this video!
Wow Jade I really relate to this. I struggle with almost pushing people away, not letting them get too close. And then not knowing how to ask for help as you feel you have to deal with it all yourself. Not wanting to burden anyone else with your feelings. And the issues with people pleasing are something I am very aware of. Wanting people to feel at ease. We don't realise the pressures on ourselves. Thank you for sharing this. I really resonated with a lot of it ❤
Thank you for having this discussion Jade! As a younger daughter who has had a lot of problems with control and perfection I feel seen and understood in ways I didn’t know I needed it❤️ putting this in the context of capitalism and social values is so important and truly so interesting as well. Thank you Jade🦋🦋 you’re such an inspiration
Ok, hold up. You just perfectly summarised my life in 20 minutes. I am the eldest daughter, and every single thing you said literally felt like my subconcious speaking to me. Things I always thought to be normal, things I didn't even realise were problems faced by daughters other than me, things I couldn't have even named myself - you nailed and covered everything. I feel seen and heard in a way I haven't felt in such a long time, probably ever. I literally have tears in my eyes, but thank you so, so much for this amazing video. I can't wait for any new UnJadedJade content you'll be making after quitting studytube. Lots of love, from one eldest daughter to another 🩵
I swear I have never ever commented on any RUclips video, but I felt a strong urge to do so now. Girlll you made me realize so many things about how being an eldest daughter impacted my whole identity, my emotional and mental health, my perfectionism and so on. Every single thing you said in this video applies perfectly to my life. Also, as I’m already writing this comment, I have always wanted to tell you, how much I love how genuine and real you are, how I love your content and everything you do on social media. Thank you for everything 🫶
This was so relatable and I felt so heard. Only difference I'm not the oldest one but I'm the younger one who was supposed to be the right one, and not do the mistakes of the older rebel sibling. Taking pressure away from mom, peacemaker, perfectionism, matured for age, people pleasing and to make it worse I'm a Libran!! All this in adult life is manifesting in form of autoimmune diseases!
Omg thank you so much for putting these feelings into words. For me, being my mom's confidant (especially after my parents' divorce ofc) and my family's expectations can be so stressful. I always feel like I should be perfect so I don't show the vulnerable side of me to people. My room has to be clean but my younger brother's room is always a mess. Being a woman is hard but so so so amazing! Sending love to everyone
And yes, also being academically validated, perfect (!!) and hyper-independent, and curing the generational traumas. My mom's mom would never tell her she loved her (not a bad person, just distant, picture a stereotypical German lol, since her mother was probably even more distant), my mom is doing it better and I can only hope to push the traumas more out of our lives.
I can resonate with this as an eldest daughter, I have felt since around age 10 that I really needed to step up and help my mum around the house. I definitely took on a burden. I also related to what you said about feeling the need to achieve - you’re right our value comes intrinsicly not from our achievements
this is really what i needed to hear right now. so much of this i recognized in myself and just never connected to daughterhood, but it makes so much sense! the funny thing is i have a twin sister and i still feel like I am carrying most of the burden of being the eldest whereas she has always been the more rebellious, atypical, do-her-thing kinda girl and I am always the mediator between her and my parents.
I never thought about that, because this role mainly existed for me before my parents broke up (I was 12). After that, the dynamic changed. But when we all still lived together, I really had this need to make everyone feel better and heard and seen. I can completely relate to what you're saying
This is exactly the same thing on my mind as I moved home from Korea and traveling to stay with my family. It's discouraging when I can't help them through their struggles.
These past few years in therapy I've been unpacking this and learning how to set my own boundaries and break that generational trauma before I have kids. Yesterday I became the mediator of the family again. So this is really relevant and in synchrony with my life right now. However yesterday I could actively ask myself in what ways I wanted to, or did not want to, contribute in that role. And that was very empowering. And through that, I am learning my mom how to break her own people pleasing patterns. Which is... I feel like it should not be my role but also I am happy I am in a place where she just picks it up because it radiated off me? Am I still the eldest daughter. The second mom. The mediator? Yes. But now it's on my terms ♥️
Jade! That was so on point! I've been struggling with this for quite some time and hearing that I'm not alone helps so much 💙 I believe that we can grow and become more emotionally stable versions of ourselves. Thank you for your wisdom and I pray that you have a wonderful place in the world where you can utilize all your talents 💛
I don't comment often but oh my life did I relate to this as an eldest daughter. I feel like I embodied the role of 'speaking up for people' - if a relative of mine made a dodgy comment I felt like it was my job to correct them, if a parent made a self-deprecating comment I felt like it was my job to comfort them - this then obviously leads to me being labelled the 'sensitive' one who 'takes life too seriously.' It has unfortunately lead to a lot of resentment on my part because I get so angry that other people within my family don't see why I say the things I do. AND THEN of course I carry all of this people pleaser, over empathetic energy into my external life and I think I'm the biggest burden ever when someone is remotely nice to me. I do engineering and science at uni and thats an added weight of friends/family going 'my daughters an engineer' but the words unsaid are 'my daughter is doing this very academically challenging thing while trying to work part time as an engineer, barely sleeps and is burnt out :,)' I could go on forever but in summary I feel everything you said and I'm so happy to see all of the people in the comments connecting over this, definitely helps me feel less alone. Highly recommend reading the book 'Invisible Women' as well I think you would love it :))
I usually don’t comment on RUclips videos but i’m really grateful that you uploaded this video, specifically today. I’ve seen some tiktoks about the “eldest daughter syndrome” but i didn’t pay attention to them. Today something happened that triggered a really big mental breakdown. I notice that my feelings were normal and had a like a name??? all because I remembered the eldest daughter tiktoks, that made me cry a lot. Watching all these girls relating with this huge burden that we have as eldest daughter surprised me. The thing that shocked me the most was going on RUclips and the first thing that shows up was this video. Hi Jade! I’m not sure if you’ll see this but i love your content. This video caught me by surprise but im really grateful because somehow seeing you talk about this specific topic feels like a hug, the hug that i need it after a tiring day. You are a huge inspiration and watching your videos have helped me in many ways. Thank u so much 💗
I have been reflecting on exactly this for a couple of months now. It’s really empowering to hear that someone else has the same doubts, thoughts and concerns. It makes one feel less lonely and paranoid lol. I also find interesting and validating that we are going through the same thing, as we are basically the same age. It made me conclude that it is the natural progression of finding true emotional independence, which I assume it’s usually found in our twenties. I have experienced actual independence in many of its facets, but I always felt that I still defaulted to leaning on my mom’s opinion. I feel like I don’t anymore and that has made me reflect on why I was attached before. Thanks for the video, it’s like you read my mind ❤❤❤
Resoneerde echt met me. Deed me denken aan een collega die me onlangs vertelde dat ze blij was dat zo het voortouw nam bij het organiseren van een event. Ze zei dat ze zo gewoon was om meestal alles te coordineren het echt een verademing was om niet nogmaals de coordinator te zijn van alle plannen. Ik voelde me echt gezien toen ze dat zei, want idd, we dede allebij een job die vaak onzichtbaar was en zagen elkaar oppeens. Spontaan video essay, maar duidelijk wel echt al wat over bagedacht ;)
This spoke to me on such a deep level. I’ve been in therapy with my mom for the last year trying to unlearn these behaviours and deal with our generational trauma together and it’s been a really tough and beautiful process. I’m really in awe of how eloguently you talked about all this. I’ve wanted to embrace my authentic self the last couple of months and whenever I think about what that looks like, I get an image of you in my head. Thank you for everything 🦋
I started crying 5 min into this video and I was weeping wailing by the end of it. A big fat the most warmest hug for you jade. This video is ingrained in my brain and I will keep come back here again and again. This is the eldest daughter monologue for me. And one more very fun very nice side of jade I got to see today that I loved so so kuch is SARCASTIC JADE. Oh gurl you're so hot when you're sarcastic and swearing. 14:21 That moment. That oh bloody hell of yours. I got week in the knees. This video is definitely the best part the Highlight of my month 🫀
also gentle reminder for everyone "eldest daughter" is a gender neutral term at the end of the day. everyone's experience matters. ty for making this video Jade
Dear Jade, thank you for your honesty and sincerity in this video. I think it spoke to many people. I'm an only child, but I noticed I was a people pleaser. I'm trying to escape it now, but it's not always easy. Need to be more conscious about it. Sending you a hug ❤
oh wow, I had never heard of the 'eldest daughter syndrome' before but I can relate to this video so very deeply. I feel so incredibly seen. Especially over the holiday season I felt so obligated to take care of my mother's emotional well-being and the peace within my family, while taking myself back in the process. Realizing that and actively prioritizing myself has been so healing over the past few weeks.
11:48 so true! there's a really good podcast episode from networth and chill with Reshma Saujani and she speaks about how we need to TEACH GIRLS TO BE BRAVE, NOT PERFECT and how that translates into the workplace. she did a ted talk too! highly reccommend. one of my fav videos from u jade ly
I'm not the eldest daughter in my family but I felt seen anyway being the youngest one. Many of your thoughts about having the role of a daughter have resonated with me, I also always tried to be perfect in school and considered myself an overachiever. Thank you Jade for putting into words all of your thoughts and make me realise why I also tried to be the peacemaker in my household and how that impacted my own mental health ❤
oh wow. yes to all of this, so many aspects of my personality and identity are tied to my role as eldest daughter and it's not making always things that make my life easy. i am proud of myself for being kind and gentle and open and selfless but it is exhausting and it hurts sometimes.
thank you so much for this video jade!! i’ve never thought about being the oldest daughter like this before but it makes so much sense 😅 also i can 100% feel how relaxed you are in making this content after ‘quitting’ studytube it feels like it’s so natural to you :))
oh my goodness Jade I sat here and felt simultaneously so seen but also so incredible called out. As an eldest daughter who sadly does not have a good relationship with my mother nor my family in general due to trauma I felt this deep in my core. I sit here 4 years into medical school, which I absolutely love, but I also question if that is what I would be doing if I could do anything i want. Would I then instead be a painter? A writer? A biologist? How am I to know how if the fact that wanting to be a doctor is part of my actual personality or if it is a product of my upbringing? Growing up being the mediator (when not the victim) has also like you said just made into someone who is great at being there for other people but who really suck at letting other people be there for her. And i hate that. I want to be able to cry and show my emotions in front of other people but that is terrifying to my brain. Anyway sorry for my long ramble but like you can tell I think I really need ponder about what eldest daughterhood has done and does to me still! All the best always
thank you so much for your bravery in sharing this, jade. i've been learning and discovering so much about this in therapy over the years and already that is such a raw and vulnerable experience, but then you take the time to share this rawness and vulnerability.
This is such a sensitive topic for me. And it's really conforting seeing someone else expressing their feeling about this situation, when I personally felt like I'm alone in carrying this "heavy role" in the family. I personally felt not only the peacemaker of the family. It's not only the peace of the family that I wanted to protect, but also, egoistically, my mental peace of not having to listen people yelling and fighting and being mad at each other all the time. It always was easyer to be the peacemaker, even for myself, because I could also protect my mental peace in a way, by being a support for everyone, a psycholoist of my parents, a confident for my mother and also a mother for my little sister. But what I couldn't see is the difficulty and the always present state of hyper allertness in which I have to live to cover such a role in the household.. It's only this year that I'm trying to unlearn these automatic behaviours, but it's such a difficult thing to do, because you just have to remember to be a daughter for once, and to endure the "noice" around you, remembering also that the parents are 2, not 3. I am close to everyone who is living this situation, and thank you so much Jade. You made me feel so seen.
thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic Jade! As an eldest daughter, I definitely had traits of hyper-independence, mediating, and people-pleasing in the past (well, it's still partly a work in process, but praise God for getting me so far as it is). and yes, emotional labor is so undervalued and yet so essential---the thing is it's kind of invisible so a lot of people don't realize how much you're helping them by doing it
I'm only a third in but HOW RELATABLE!! As an eldest daughter in a family with quite some generational trauma as well, I feel the same. And I'm thinking about the point you made about hyperindependence. I think I was hyperindependence emotionally for a good chunk of my life, up until I met my current partner. I feel way more vulnerable and sensitive and like I cry way more and I'm more emotional and more dependent basically. But I think it is because he stops me from putting anyone's needs before mine, he makes me feel my feelings, focus on them, process them, communicate them and all that. So I am letting myself be dependent for the first time ever (not in a bad way). But it has had a negative impact on my self esteem for quite a while. I'm coming to understand and accept this as something that doesn't have to be negative now and slowly. And this helped, so thanks :)
Watching this video 11 months later at a time I needed it the most! big big hugs and love to you, jade!! Thank you for sharing this and empowering so many daughters out there 🥹🥹💗🌸
Jade ❤ As an oldest daughter I've been doing same things as you. The before movement of this video I was like okay I wanna perfect in all the things, like okay I have to always scholar, I have to kill my opinions and okay with others. I turned 18 few days ago and my parents like you are now mature, after bachelor's you have to take care of your sister's education. Even though I tell them I want to study higher than no one studied in our bloodline, I wanted to move abroad and all the stuff. But they are like look at us we are alreday getting older, we don't earn a lot for that,.... My younger sister always told me that stop being people pleasure, it's okay to not perfect everytime, it's okay to not always spreading feel love, it's okay to express your opinion too. Lots of love from India Jade ❤
I needed this so so so much! You are the first person who told me about this, and you blew my mind. I know so many eldest daughters, including myself, and it is so weird that nobody seems to be aware of this. Thanks for being amazing❤I’ve never felt so understood
This is a hug zone. Come here all my eldest daughters I want to give you the warmest, tightest, longest and most peaceful hug of your life. Put off all your eldest daughter burden here and just chill with me for a while. Feel this freedom even if it is for mere moments. Just be. You're all doing so much without any praise or attention. Just relax here for a while with me.
hi friends!! 🦋 omg since filming this I’ve seen so many TikToks on “eldest daughter syndrome” and apparently this is a THING!!!
thanks to all your luvly feedback on my rambly-podcast-style-pour-my-heart-out videos, I decided to share my thoughts on a conversation I had with a friend last week about how I feel being the eldest daughter of my fam has shaped me!! I’m soooo intrigued to hear your experiences of daughterhood 🌷 big love n hugs from afar
oh my gosh my fav vids are your rambly podcast cosy videos
i love this new era of jade- who seems even more authentic and at peace with herself. as a teenage eldest 'daughter' who also struggles with the nuances of being non binary, this really resonated
Thank you so much for talking about this! Every single thing you said really resonated with me!! And you gave some really good advice that i will hopefully become more conscious of. It’s not always easy be the eldest daughter but we learn a lot about ourselves and others. And once we free ourselves from these expectations, we’re pretty powerful beings 🦋😊
hiii my therapist told me about this person called Rosjke Hasseldine and she talks about the mother daughter relationship and it honestly helped how I view my mother and have more empathy for her and also how I relate to myself (and have better boundaries for myself/ take care of myself) and relate to other women!! Def would recommend checking her out!
Omg. I’ve never heard someone talk about this before. The peacemaker role of the daughter is quite the burden that we assume from such a small age.
yes yes yes!! such a strange one because it comes from a place of love, but it's also exhausting :')
"Women are so good at controlling themselves and controlling their lives because we're so used to having everyone want us to control ourselves" - That hit hard.
One thing I learnt this year is "Don't be a doormat for everyone else's happiness ,prioritize your own authenticity"❤
Oh, how I ADORE this!! A lesson I wish I’d learned earlier in life
Thank you ❤ for the reminder ... wed💛 15/11 🙏
yes thank you!
Seeing this reflection come from you as a fellow eldest daughter who LOVES her family... really opened my eyes. I didn't want to accept it, but even having a healthy loving family does not shield us from putting a burden on our own shoulders.
I've been trying for years to understand the cause of my own struggle with perfectionism, guilt, fear of letting people down.
This guilt is something visceral, I had it since I can remember in childhood, and even though now at 22 I can recognise what is rationally worth my attention, I still can't help but feel this great feeling of responsibility for everything.
I was reflecting with my old time friends once and I said "I can't tell where this guilt comes from, I didn't even grow up catholic (lol) and I have a better family than most people" and they just said it with such a calm and obvious tone
"You are the eldest daughter"
wow.
I definitely go through this. Unfortunately, growing up i was always praised for how little I could make myself. My nan would lowkey congratulate me on taking one slice of bread instead of two, being polite and quiet around others, keeping a calm demeanour... My mum would encourage me to stop thinking about myself because others may have it worse etc etc. I was always that way inclined but the encouragement to disregard myself was relentless.
After 25 years of micro learning these habits, I currently feel like a shell of a person and now I get ptsd symptoms upon returning home.
Emotional regulation is taxing, especially when you're doing it for the betterment of others and suppressing yourself in the process.
I really needed this video essay today. I needed that reminder that my family are NOT my responsibility.
i’m usually a silent viewer but this really spoke to me. you articulated this so well, and i’ve never consciously realised how much as eldest daughters we fall into this! beautifully done jade
I'm an eldest daughter too and for me I think it also comes with a lot of imposter syndrome. When people (outside of my family) compliment me on being so smart, or kind, or understanding, I have trouble actually believing them because I know I could be better, it's what I have always been taught. I'm by far not perfect, and if someone tells me I'm really great, I can only think about how far from perfect I still am, and I feel like the biggest fraud.
Thank you Jade for this video, it was a fresh perspective on something I've thought about a lot already, and I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts on it
I feel so seen!! (Even though I'm the middle child) I am my parent's only daughter and have always been the mediator in my family. A lot of people (including my family members...) have told me I acted more like the oldest because I was "mature and responsible" and I was the "easy" kid. I really wasn't, I was just a people pleaser who was perfectionistic and too scared to share any of my problems with other people. I will say, I'm doing much better now, but it does take a lot of unlearning the habits I grew up with. Jade, I've been watching your video's for years now, and I'm always too scared to comment haha, but I just wanted to say thank you! It means a lot that you open up discussion on this topic! I'm sure a lot of people will see themselves in this too
Awhh this honestly means SO much, thank you for sharing!! 🥹🦋💌 yes yes yes I feel this! proud of you for all the unlearning
Jade, I’ve barely started the video but I’m crying at how understood I feel after reading your definition of daughterhood. I’ve only recently started thinking about the expectations and characteristics that come with being the eldest daughter. Thank you so much for showing this side of yourself to us, and I hope we can all recognize and heal these parts of ourselves as we grow♥
omg my heart 🥹🤍👼 literally words like this are the reason I create, thank you for sharing. I’m glad it resonated
Girl i cried too🥹
Me too 🥹🥺 I felt so seen watching this video
This video hit SO HARD for me. Absolutely, as the 2nd oldest of 4 and the oldest daughter, I've always been hyper-independent. Literally not wanting anyone in my family see me cry and having this feeling that "they can't help me". Also seeking validation from grades and being high-achieving. You made a great point about feeling capable and tying so much of your identity to being capable and dependable. I think it stems from wanting to be something stable so badly for others around you. And this almost makes it hard when you're changing or realizing new things about yourself when you're trying to fit yourself into other people's lives.
💌 asmr + self-reflections - thank you, queen - another eldest sibling/daughter here!
Oh man, this one hit hard.
I'm the youngest and the only girl in my family. Growing up, I always felt like my competence or intelligence was constantly questioned in part because of my place in the birth order and in part because of my gender. It's no wonder my BIGGEST insecurity as an adult is whether or not other people think I'm smart.
Totally feel this as the only daughter of a family. Despite my parents not often speaking it out loud, I always felt immensely pressured to achieve in all aspects, and to take responsibility for my parents in a way that my brother never did. It’s like an unspoken expectation. When my brother does the bare minimum and shows up to a family gathering every once in a while, it’s a celebration. Whereas I’m expected to be at every gathering, entertaining guests and making people feel at home. It’s something that I’ve found my boyfriend, who comes from a big family with sisters, just cannot comprehend. “But did they actually ask you too”? He says, as if the words are not shouting at me already through this generational mentality that women have been forced to pass down to their daughters to help them survive.
Omg, the way I almost started crying (but of course not in front of my parents cause why make them worried) is so real. I have never felt soo heard and seen. Thank you so much Jade for discussing this topic and sharing your thoughts. You've literally changed the perspective of a 15 year old for the greater good. Much love and appreciation 🫶✨️
as an eldest daughter, I've dealt with disordered eating, self-destructive coping mechanisms and mental health crises ENTIRELY on my own as part of my perfection-seeking tendencies. I don't feel as if I deserve help from everyone. I still want to help everyone.
Jade you know what, I have a folder in my RUclips playlist called "watch this whenever you feel down!" I saved this to that folder. To talked from my soul.
I think you’d love the book- The Art of Happiness- it talks about compassion, the importance of interdependence and developing self love, it’s an amazing book and really changed my perspective on a lot of things! It’s in conversation with the dalai lama and an american psychologist so two very different views on humans coming together
I’ve never felt so understood as an eldest daughter it’s like you collected all my thoughts over the years that I’ve kept in my head and spoken them out loud to me and made me feel validated. You’re a treasure thank you for this video Jade. Sending love to all my eldest daughters, keep being you whilst realising your own worth and knowing it’s okay to put yourselves first too 🤍✨🙏
This was so well articulated. I've been on a journey this summer discovering exactly this about myself. My therapist said to look into codependency, the core theme of which is a desire to control others and yourself to make sure everyone is happy and likes you. The most powerful thing I've learned in therapy is that I am fully sovereign over only myself, and each person is also sovereign over only themselves. If someone is upset, it's not my job to fix it or my fault. If a friend doesn't want to take my advice, I cannot force it. Conversely, I don't need their approval to make decisions about my own life. It's so strange but that feeling of always needing to be a "positive influence" (control others), or needing to be perfect for others (my family), or needing to check to make sure someone is not mad at me, etc etc it's like it's all fading away. I was putting sooooo much energy into this desire to make everything and everyone happy and perfect. And it's like wow who knew, turns out the world is totally imperfect and the only person I can help be happy is ME. I can feel a lifelong burden being lifted and there's nothing quite like that.
As the eldest daughter I relate to this so much thank you for your amazing content ❤ xx
my twin!! 💌 so glad it resonated xx
this is something i've been working on in therapy and noticed in a lot of my close friends... i never realised that this is indeed something more universal than just me and my close people✨
Wow. As I was listening to this video I kept thinking, "yup, I relate to this," but when you said that you wanted eldest daughters to find a partner or groups of people who allow you to explore your inner child; to be messy and make mistakes and authentically express yourself, I was genuinely taken back. I started tearing up. This was absolutely beautiful, Jade. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)
Wow. İve never heard anyone actually speak about this before but its such a big issue for all us big sisters out there. İm the eldest of four girls in my family and recently been really struggling with the pressure and my parents expectations and trying figure out what i want to do with my life. We need more videos like this!!!!!!
This made me feel so heard!!! I’m also an eldest daughter to a younger brother and sometimes I struggle putting my feelings into words and this had me so excited because it was so true to my experience too❤️☺️
Gahhhh this is so so interesting thank you for sharing!! 🌷🥹✨
I'm the eldest daughter to one brother and I feel it ..every word 😭❤️..and even people always assuming I'm older than I am ..as a person I feel I need to help and solve problems and be the optimistic one around for everyone and as I am grateful to have the chance ..me hearing this feels so warm and lovely 🫂💖
I found being the oldest child confusing you’re the eldest the’adult’ when it suits looking after the younger children but a child when they decide.
Hi, just wanted to comment that I too started crying. I have 2 older brothers, so even though I am the youngest, as only daughter this resonated so much with me. It never really occurred to me how much being the only daughter effects me, that it is one of the big reasons why I am the way I am and why I have these struggles. I felt so seen. Thank you❤️✨️
You really took the concept of "big sister advice" and found a whole new direction to spin it! Love it!
As an eldest kid (I'm nb but afab so functionally a daughter in my family's eyes lol) I really related to your points about making sure everyone's happy! It feels like a lot of spinning plates, especially with separated parents and a single parent, the pressure is even higher to make sure they're not lonely and feel loved and seen. I'm glad I bring support to my loved ones but holy crap sometimes it's tiring
I’m actually crying this felt like a warm hug and a chance to be seen. It explains so many things. I never thought about how directly my eating disorder, my empathy and so many other things are linked to me being an eldest daughter. Your hopes for us as a community are inspiring and yes, we will become a community of powerful eldest daughters (I’m manifesting it!)
I'm the oldest of three children, and have never thought about this before. I definitely relate, and have always been viewed by my parents as the sensible, easy one, and have been trusted to do much more by myself than they have at the same ages. My parents are also divorced, and as a teenager, my mum has often confided her troubles to me, which can be emotionally quite tiring. I have also been told off by my dad's parents for 'mothering' my siblings when she's not around ("You're not their parent!"). I think it's both a blessing and a curse, as I have always been proud of being the eldest, and I love my younger siblings more than anything ever, but I do feel like there is a lot of expectation for me to always be well-behaved and hardworking, always getting good grades and never being in trouble.
This video just hits to close to home... As the eldest daughter it was so relatable and be able to see most of the stuff that it's been really important lesson throughout my life. And actually the hardest one is been to understand on a subconscious level that achievements doesn't define you as a person, because of the way we end up seen "achievements", that is ok to not be perfect the whole time and you don't owe things to people just because you exist. That is ok to become your own person and have your own journey and don't be the mirror to peoples expectations and ideas of who you are, at the end of the day is for you to decide who you want to be...
This is so real. In a house where there is abuse, you may the one who stands up to the adult abuser. You pay a heavy price for this, so many times over. And while the victims need your protection at the time, they may later transfer blame for their pain onto you because its too difficult to face the reality of the abusive parent. A heaping serving of misogyny mixed in with all of it. Its another sacrifice you make that no one has any intention of ever recognizing or expressing gratitude for.
Thank you so much for this whole video, but especially for the vision of positive change at the end.
my first time hearing about this concept. i recognise so much of this in my own life. started realising over the last few years how easy my younger brother had it. no wonder he's chill all the time.
This was amazing - resonated so much as an eldest daughter
First thing, I just got emotional after the first 5 minutes...😢🤧
As the eldest daughter and child, I can relate this so much!!! I mean, growing up, I've had those thoughts or feelings. But, usually I would conclude them as 'I'm maybe a people pleaser' or just a 'weak girl' or 'a perfectionist' or or being too open about my emotions or something related to either religion, ethnicity, or culture. And those thoughts still scares me out, making me feel worthless and too soft at some point. And maybe that's what led me to keep things with myself...
Thank you, Jade! You just made me open my eyes to the brightside. I dont know to say- I can't come up with words to express how much this video just meant so much to me.💖
omg this hit so hard. i even cried at the end, that "my worth does not need to be defined in my achievements but merely in my existing" really resonated in me and, I think, started to heal that wound for me. so thanks a lot for making me feel understood, see that I'm not alone, and help heal my inner child🫶 i truly loved this video
Jade, as the eldest of 4, i resonate with this so much. you so accurately described my experience of being the eldest daughter. i’ve been thinking loosely about this recently, but to hear you talk about it and put it into words has given me such clarity about my experience growing up - from the expectation to be a confidant and a peacemaker to sacrificing my own emotional needs - i feel so incredibly seen, Jade. Thank you for this video ❤
This video has such an older sister vibe, and as an oldest daughter, I really appreciate it.
as an only child that emigrated with her mother and saw her enter and exit multiple relationships and grapple with the struggles of being in a new country, i relate so much to the hyper-independence you mentioned here jade
This hits home💗. I thought that I was the only one or that it had to do with my culture. But I see more young woman that are the eldest of only daughter talk about this and realize that we are just so kind and sweet but also very strong. Thankyou for making this video😘.
You just described my experience dealing with self-taken responsabilities, being stressed about my younger brother's security and feeling emotionaly lonely. I felt the need to grow fast to be 18 years old because my stronger worry was not to be able to be independent and help if someone in my family had a problem (specially my brother ). I still struggle with intrusive thoughts and seeing I'm not the only one is relieving. I can see the circunstances create this needs/feelings and there's nothing wrong with us. I love how you create a space to learn about mental health. Thank you for creating this kind of content! Un abrazo desde Alicante (Spain)
Wow. The 20-min video just explained my whole personality and where all my problems in any kind of relationship come from (not being capable of communicating my emotions well, the fear of giving own opinion, people-pleasing, should I go on?:)) and the role I hold in my family. I have been working on these problems for the last couple of years, trying to be more open with my friends and partner, but never really thought about the reason I am like this. This speech was truly eye-opening. I am so so greatful to you, Jade! The way you articulated this phenomenon is just... wow.
I also absolutely LOVE the idea of not neglecting completely our "good-listener-emotional-helper" trait, but to rather see it as a skill that not so many people have and that can become our strength if used when it's truly needed and does not ruin our own emotional state.
Thank you so so much one more time!
Jade, thank you so much. Never heard this articulated before. I've learned so much from this. Im in tears
Thank you so much,Jade❤ I love you . Your video just made me feel like a good close friend of mine are talking and both of us are reflex and enjoying the time,and you just talking about things that I really thinking for a long time.
as the eldest daughter and granddaughter, a big sister of two little brothers and a female cousin of 6 male cousins, I cried my heart out watching this video. Thank you Jade, I feel seen and heard
I can absolutely relate being the middle child and a daughter, being the elder sister for my younger brother has to take on lots of responsibilities, and younger to my older brother and since I’m a girl, I gotta cook, do chores, as well as teaching my younger brother Chinese and everything is expected of me ( but also Becuz our eldest brother is busy with uni) so yea a lot of the times my parents will blame me for my younger brother’s behaviour and I’m the least appreciated 😢😢
the part where you said "i hope all eldest daughters find a partner who let them connect with your inner child" i felt so seen. because my boyfriend makes me feel exactly like that. and i always wondered why i feel so so connected to him and why i suddenly feel so "light" around him other than being comfortable woth him. you just filled in that blank in my head, he makes such a safe space for me to express all my silly desires without feeling weird for even one second. ahhhh i love him so much! ❤
wow, I resonate with this video in a way I never considered. High achiever, eating disorder, was reading self-improvement books since I was 9. Another way I think this has manifested is that many people have described me as extremely optimistic, even at the lowest points of my life. I've always felt a pressure to monitor my thoughts and always look at situations from a "higher", wiser perspective. My brother often complains about menial things like what food we have in, workload etc., and I realise I would feel immensely guilty for bothering anyone with that sort of thing. Anyway, great video, this really helped me understand why I monitor myself and act in certain ways.
Oof this video couldn't have come at a better or worse time. Literally as I was watching I had some boundaries crossed by my mom (one of the only I had in place) and just kind of had to brush it off like always. It comes with the territory of being financially dependent as well as an eldest daughter but man it hurts sometimes. I'm 20 and the oldest of 8. Love my siblings, love my parents, and so grateful for what I have. Still it gets really old feeling like a daughter, a sister, and frankly a mother, but not a human being that can exist on their own. I don't want to be a caretaker or a therapist or a mediator anymore. But at this point it doesn't feel like I can be anything else until I move away
Oh my god Jade. I am usually a silent viewer. I've been a subscriber for years and years but have never commented. But THIS. I'm only 6 minutes in and I am so so struck by how seen I feel. I'm the same age as you and also from a 2 child family, and you articulate so well and so beautifully how I feel 24/7. I've not often consciously ascribed all these traits and my overloaded brain to my position as eldest daughter but you put it all together in a way that makes such sense to me. I don't think I've ever related to youtube content like this. Thank you thank you thank you. We should start a club- the eldest sisters healing circle hahaha x
the thing about not throwing your feelings in the spicy mix is REAL, the one time i did it i emotionally disrupted the entire family for ✨months✨
You just put into words exactly what ive been feeling but couldnt wrap my head around. I was literally needing to scream into a pillow today and still couldnt put a finger on what was bothering me. But like you mentioned i carry everyones emotional weight but my own and no one else helps me with it they in fact make it worse. So im going to keep this video and try to start turning my attention toward myself
I need to journal now! Thank you Jade, I'm glad you finally graduated so you can do these videos.
Definitely spoke to something, I relate to a lot of these things even though my family never consciously put pressure on it, I still feel the need for academic achievement, and to care for my younger siblings and emotional needs of others, thus struggling to open up myself. Thank you for putting yourself out there, I really enjoyed and learned from this video!
Wow Jade I really relate to this. I struggle with almost pushing people away, not letting them get too close. And then not knowing how to ask for help as you feel you have to deal with it all yourself. Not wanting to burden anyone else with your feelings. And the issues with people pleasing are something I am very aware of. Wanting people to feel at ease. We don't realise the pressures on ourselves. Thank you for sharing this. I really resonated with a lot of it ❤
Thank you for having this discussion Jade! As a younger daughter who has had a lot of problems with control and perfection I feel seen and understood in ways I didn’t know I needed it❤️ putting this in the context of capitalism and social values is so important and truly so interesting as well. Thank you Jade🦋🦋 you’re such an inspiration
Ok, hold up. You just perfectly summarised my life in 20 minutes. I am the eldest daughter, and every single thing you said literally felt like my subconcious speaking to me. Things I always thought to be normal, things I didn't even realise were problems faced by daughters other than me, things I couldn't have even named myself - you nailed and covered everything. I feel seen and heard in a way I haven't felt in such a long time, probably ever. I literally have tears in my eyes, but thank you so, so much for this amazing video. I can't wait for any new UnJadedJade content you'll be making after quitting studytube. Lots of love, from one eldest daughter to another 🩵
I swear I have never ever commented on any RUclips video, but I felt a strong urge to do so now. Girlll you made me realize so many things about how being an eldest daughter impacted my whole identity, my emotional and mental health, my perfectionism and so on. Every single thing you said in this video applies perfectly to my life. Also, as I’m already writing this comment, I have always wanted to tell you, how much I love how genuine and real you are, how I love your content and everything you do on social media. Thank you for everything 🫶
This was so relatable and I felt so heard. Only difference I'm not the oldest one but I'm the younger one who was supposed to be the right one, and not do the mistakes of the older rebel sibling. Taking pressure away from mom, peacemaker, perfectionism, matured for age, people pleasing and to make it worse I'm a Libran!! All this in adult life is manifesting in form of autoimmune diseases!
Omg thank you so much for putting these feelings into words. For me, being my mom's confidant (especially after my parents' divorce ofc) and my family's expectations can be so stressful. I always feel like I should be perfect so I don't show the vulnerable side of me to people. My room has to be clean but my younger brother's room is always a mess. Being a woman is hard but so so so amazing! Sending love to everyone
And yes, also being academically validated, perfect (!!) and hyper-independent, and curing the generational traumas. My mom's mom would never tell her she loved her (not a bad person, just distant, picture a stereotypical German lol, since her mother was probably even more distant), my mom is doing it better and I can only hope to push the traumas more out of our lives.
I can resonate with this as an eldest daughter, I have felt since around age 10 that I really needed to step up and help my mum around the house. I definitely took on a burden. I also related to what you said about feeling the need to achieve - you’re right our value comes intrinsicly not from our achievements
this is really what i needed to hear right now. so much of this i recognized in myself and just never connected to daughterhood, but it makes so much sense! the funny thing is i have a twin sister and i still feel like I am carrying most of the burden of being the eldest whereas she has always been the more rebellious, atypical, do-her-thing kinda girl and I am always the mediator between her and my parents.
I never thought about that, because this role mainly existed for me before my parents broke up (I was 12). After that, the dynamic changed. But when we all still lived together, I really had this need to make everyone feel better and heard and seen. I can completely relate to what you're saying
This is exactly the same thing on my mind as I moved home from Korea and traveling to stay with my family. It's discouraging when I can't help them through their struggles.
These past few years in therapy I've been unpacking this and learning how to set my own boundaries and break that generational trauma before I have kids.
Yesterday I became the mediator of the family again. So this is really relevant and in synchrony with my life right now. However yesterday I could actively ask myself in what ways I wanted to, or did not want to, contribute in that role. And that was very empowering. And through that, I am learning my mom how to break her own people pleasing patterns. Which is... I feel like it should not be my role but also I am happy I am in a place where she just picks it up because it radiated off me?
Am I still the eldest daughter. The second mom. The mediator? Yes. But now it's on my terms ♥️
Also if you wanna have a good healing cry about it; listen to No Pressure from the Encanto movie 🙈♥️
Oh wow I'm so proud of you, this is HUGE!! 🥹
And THANKS to Esther for giving you the idea or thought to make this video! Esther is my long lost asian sista 🤭.
Jade! That was so on point! I've been struggling with this for quite some time and hearing that I'm not alone helps so much 💙 I believe that we can grow and become more emotionally stable versions of ourselves. Thank you for your wisdom and I pray that you have a wonderful place in the world where you can utilize all your talents 💛
Wow! I feel like I need to type this out and stick it on my mirror 😂 it’s crazy how relatable this is thank you for sharing!
YES lets make a community for eldest daughters! such an intelligent and inspiring video
I don't comment often but oh my life did I relate to this as an eldest daughter. I feel like I embodied the role of 'speaking up for people' - if a relative of mine made a dodgy comment I felt like it was my job to correct them, if a parent made a self-deprecating comment I felt like it was my job to comfort them - this then obviously leads to me being labelled the 'sensitive' one who 'takes life too seriously.' It has unfortunately lead to a lot of resentment on my part because I get so angry that other people within my family don't see why I say the things I do.
AND THEN of course I carry all of this people pleaser, over empathetic energy into my external life and I think I'm the biggest burden ever when someone is remotely nice to me. I do engineering and science at uni and thats an added weight of friends/family going 'my daughters an engineer' but the words unsaid are 'my daughter is doing this very academically challenging thing while trying to work part time as an engineer, barely sleeps and is burnt out :,)'
I could go on forever but in summary I feel everything you said and I'm so happy to see all of the people in the comments connecting over this, definitely helps me feel less alone. Highly recommend reading the book 'Invisible Women' as well I think you would love it :))
I usually don’t comment on RUclips videos but i’m really grateful that you uploaded this video, specifically today.
I’ve seen some tiktoks about the “eldest daughter syndrome” but i didn’t pay attention to them.
Today something happened that triggered a really big mental breakdown. I notice that my feelings were normal and had a like a name??? all because I remembered the eldest daughter tiktoks, that made me cry a lot. Watching all these girls relating with this huge burden that we have as eldest daughter surprised me. The thing that shocked me the most was going on RUclips and the first thing that shows up was this video.
Hi Jade! I’m not sure if you’ll see this but i love your content. This video caught me by surprise but im really grateful because somehow seeing you talk about this specific topic feels like a hug, the hug that i need it after a tiring day. You are a huge inspiration and watching your videos have helped me in many ways.
Thank u so much 💗
Thank you for this. As the eldest daughter I can say this is totally relatable 🥺🌻.
I have been reflecting on exactly this for a couple of months now. It’s really empowering to hear that someone else has the same doubts, thoughts and concerns. It makes one feel less lonely and paranoid lol.
I also find interesting and validating that we are going through the same thing, as we are basically the same age. It made me conclude that it is the natural progression of finding true emotional independence, which I assume it’s usually found in our twenties. I have experienced actual independence in many of its facets, but I always felt that I still defaulted to leaning on my mom’s opinion. I feel like I don’t anymore and that has made me reflect on why I was attached before.
Thanks for the video, it’s like you read my mind ❤❤❤
Resoneerde echt met me.
Deed me denken aan een collega die me onlangs vertelde dat ze blij was dat zo het voortouw nam bij het organiseren van een event.
Ze zei dat ze zo gewoon was om meestal alles te coordineren het echt een verademing was om niet nogmaals de coordinator te zijn van alle plannen.
Ik voelde me echt gezien toen ze dat zei, want idd, we dede allebij een job die vaak onzichtbaar was en zagen elkaar oppeens.
Spontaan video essay, maar duidelijk wel echt al wat over bagedacht ;)
This spoke to me on such a deep level. I’ve been in therapy with my mom for the last year trying to unlearn these behaviours and deal with our generational trauma together and it’s been a really tough and beautiful process. I’m really in awe of how eloguently you talked about all this. I’ve wanted to embrace my authentic self the last couple of months and whenever I think about what that looks like, I get an image of you in my head. Thank you for everything 🦋
I started crying 5 min into this video and I was weeping wailing by the end of it. A big fat the most warmest hug for you jade. This video is ingrained in my brain and I will keep come back here again and again. This is the eldest daughter monologue for me. And one more very fun very nice side of jade I got to see today that I loved so so kuch is SARCASTIC JADE. Oh gurl you're so hot when you're sarcastic and swearing. 14:21 That moment. That oh bloody hell of yours. I got week in the knees. This video is definitely the best part the Highlight of my month 🫀
also gentle reminder for everyone "eldest daughter" is a gender neutral term at the end of the day. everyone's experience matters. ty for making this video Jade
Dear Jade, thank you for your honesty and sincerity in this video. I think it spoke to many people. I'm an only child, but I noticed I was a people pleaser. I'm trying to escape it now, but it's not always easy. Need to be more conscious about it. Sending you a hug ❤
oh wow, I had never heard of the 'eldest daughter syndrome' before but I can relate to this video so very deeply. I feel so incredibly seen.
Especially over the holiday season I felt so obligated to take care of my mother's emotional well-being and the peace within my family, while taking myself back in the process. Realizing that and actively prioritizing myself has been so healing over the past few weeks.
11:48 so true! there's a really good podcast episode from networth and chill with Reshma Saujani and she speaks about how we need to TEACH GIRLS TO BE BRAVE, NOT PERFECT and how that translates into the workplace. she did a ted talk too! highly reccommend. one of my fav videos from u jade ly
I'm not the eldest daughter in my family but I felt seen anyway being the youngest one. Many of your thoughts about having the role of a daughter have resonated with me, I also always tried to be perfect in school and considered myself an overachiever. Thank you Jade for putting into words all of your thoughts and make me realise why I also tried to be the peacemaker in my household and how that impacted my own mental health ❤
oh wow. yes to all of this, so many aspects of my personality and identity are tied to my role as eldest daughter and it's not making always things that make my life easy. i am proud of myself for being kind and gentle and open and selfless but it is exhausting and it hurts sometimes.
thank you so much for this video jade!! i’ve never thought about being the oldest daughter like this before but it makes so much sense 😅 also i can 100% feel how relaxed you are in making this content after ‘quitting’ studytube it feels like it’s so natural to you :))
oh my goodness Jade I sat here and felt simultaneously so seen but also so incredible called out. As an eldest daughter who sadly does not have a good relationship with my mother nor my family in general due to trauma I felt this deep in my core. I sit here 4 years into medical school, which I absolutely love, but I also question if that is what I would be doing if I could do anything i want. Would I then instead be a painter? A writer? A biologist? How am I to know how if the fact that wanting to be a doctor is part of my actual personality or if it is a product of my upbringing?
Growing up being the mediator (when not the victim) has also like you said just made into someone who is great at being there for other people but who really suck at letting other people be there for her. And i hate that. I want to be able to cry and show my emotions in front of other people but that is terrifying to my brain.
Anyway sorry for my long ramble but like you can tell I think I really need ponder about what eldest daughterhood has done and does to me still!
All the best always
thank you so much for your bravery in sharing this, jade. i've been learning and discovering so much about this in therapy over the years and already that is such a raw and vulnerable experience, but then you take the time to share this rawness and vulnerability.
This is such a sensitive topic for me. And it's really conforting seeing someone else expressing their feeling about this situation, when I personally felt like I'm alone in carrying this "heavy role" in the family. I personally felt not only the peacemaker of the family. It's not only the peace of the family that I wanted to protect, but also, egoistically, my mental peace of not having to listen people yelling and fighting and being mad at each other all the time. It always was easyer to be the peacemaker, even for myself, because I could also protect my mental peace in a way, by being a support for everyone, a psycholoist of my parents, a confident for my mother and also a mother for my little sister. But what I couldn't see is the difficulty and the always present state of hyper allertness in which I have to live to cover such a role in the household..
It's only this year that I'm trying to unlearn these automatic behaviours, but it's such a difficult thing to do, because you just have to remember to be a daughter for once, and to endure the "noice" around you, remembering also that the parents are 2, not 3. I am close to everyone who is living this situation, and thank you so much Jade. You made me feel so seen.
thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on this topic Jade! As an eldest daughter, I definitely had traits of hyper-independence, mediating, and people-pleasing in the past (well, it's still partly a work in process, but praise God for getting me so far as it is).
and yes, emotional labor is so undervalued and yet so essential---the thing is it's kind of invisible so a lot of people don't realize how much you're helping them by doing it
I'm only a third in but HOW RELATABLE!! As an eldest daughter in a family with quite some generational trauma as well, I feel the same. And I'm thinking about the point you made about hyperindependence. I think I was hyperindependence emotionally for a good chunk of my life, up until I met my current partner. I feel way more vulnerable and sensitive and like I cry way more and I'm more emotional and more dependent basically. But I think it is because he stops me from putting anyone's needs before mine, he makes me feel my feelings, focus on them, process them, communicate them and all that. So I am letting myself be dependent for the first time ever (not in a bad way). But it has had a negative impact on my self esteem for quite a while. I'm coming to understand and accept this as something that doesn't have to be negative now and slowly. And this helped, so thanks :)
I love this so much! I literally have been talking about this in therapy, thank you for this new content you’re putting out, so deep and relatable.
I was so in need for this Jade... I hope you're feeling full of love after serving this to us... the vulnerability and honesty. Thank you so much!
Thanks for the ramble - feeling a bit called out 😃, but very thought provoking. Wonderful video ♥
Just want you to know that I love your videos and your channel, even more so after your graduation! It resonates so much with me!
Wow wow wow sooo relatable. Thanks for this video Jade ❤️ This video came at the exact moment I became aware of all these things in life!
Watching this video 11 months later at a time I needed it the most! big big hugs and love to you, jade!! Thank you for sharing this and empowering so many daughters out there 🥹🥹💗🌸
Jade ❤
As an oldest daughter I've been doing same things as you. The before movement of this video I was like okay I wanna perfect in all the things, like okay I have to always scholar, I have to kill my opinions and okay with others.
I turned 18 few days ago and my parents like you are now mature, after bachelor's you have to take care of your sister's education.
Even though I tell them I want to study higher than no one studied in our bloodline, I wanted to move abroad and all the stuff. But they are like look at us we are alreday getting older, we don't earn a lot for that,....
My younger sister always told me that stop being people pleasure, it's okay to not perfect everytime, it's okay to not always spreading feel love, it's okay to express your opinion too.
Lots of love from India Jade ❤
I needed this so so so much! You are the first person who told me about this, and you blew my mind. I know so many eldest daughters, including myself, and it is so weird that nobody seems to be aware of this. Thanks for being amazing❤I’ve never felt so understood
I'm only two and a half minutes into the video and already feel so deeply connected to the words you're saying!
This is one of my favorite videos so far! So incredibly relatable and also insightful. Thank you ❤
This is a hug zone. Come here all my eldest daughters I want to give you the warmest, tightest, longest and most peaceful hug of your life. Put off all your eldest daughter burden here and just chill with me for a while. Feel this freedom even if it is for mere moments. Just be. You're all doing so much without any praise or attention. Just relax here for a while with me.