Huge thank you to our community for sharing what they wish they received from their parents. Also, my inner child and breaking habits workshops may be a great place to begin healing: katimorton.com/the-shop
Hey Kati. Was wondering if you could answer this for me if possible? Why do I get upset when my material things don't look perfect? Like a scuff mark on my wall or a scratch on my car? What causes me to get upset over these imperfections & how do I stop leting this bother me? Thanks for your time. Hope you're doing well.
@@elizabethrotter4285 Agree. A lot of us can identify with this but really offers littel help to fix it, especialy for those of us who are old and whose parents are deceased. Been thru a stack of therapists. Unable to make emotional connections.
As an older man, i feel 99% of parents from the 60s, 70s and 80s were NOT there emotionally and had 0 insight. Kids had to "do school and chores" without being able to express themself. Parents were smoking, drinking, watching TV. Mothers were there only if you were sick. Fathers were even less in tune with themselves and just "providing". Going through motions: making babies because you had too, feeding them, dressing them, sending them to school, plugging them in front of the TV or sending them to the park or room/basement. Thx
My parents did not even care if I was sick or injured. The neighbours had to tell my parents to take me to the hospital or participate in school activities
"Making babies because you had to" Nailed it! Emotionally unavailable parents don't have children for the experience of parenthood, they only want trophy kids to boost their own ego and social standing.
as an older woman, I agree with you 100%. But then, in my case, throw in a handicap child with a narcissistic father who was abusive to everyone. I have zero relationships with connections to no one, was in a DV marriage and divorced 20 years ago, being a part-time parent, coparenting with my own narcissist. At least my daughter as an adult stays in contact with me. I have no idea how I manage in life. I just barely with everything.
Yes. I was never allowed the space to feel anything while they had the entire stage for themselves to feel anything and express it however they pleased. During heated moments, I found myself having to navigate their emotions, yet, I was expected to sit there with a flat affect because any tiny micro-expression was "disrespect."
One more thing I'd like to add for these types of videos. I really like these comparative "frames of reference" videos to help with modeling or planting a flag to a destination to move towards. Not having a frame of reference for "what something looks like" is like navigating a forest without a compass and this helps provide that compass. What would be even better is to have a generalized idea of how to handle someone (as an adult) who behaves in these toxic ways, in a healthy manner that is self-protective, but isn't counter-productive or overusing force in a way that makes us toxic ourselves.
I was never allowed to be angry or upset. My mum was angry and short tempered all the time but if I was I was difficult and selfish. I was always walking on eggshells.
I was never allowed to or at least it was implied that I couldn’t really speak my mind. I remember when I was a kid for Father’s Day I was with my mom getting dad a worlds best dad gift. I flat out said but he’s not a good dad and mom basically brushed it off. To this day I can’t be honest with my friends when they upset me and hate confrontations. I’m over apologetic and feel like I’m too emotional.
My preschooler was having a meltdown one evening. Afterwards I hugged him and said, “feeling out of control feels really yucky inside, yeah?” And he looked at me with such relief, he just collapsed in my arms and let me hold him. ❤ I recall being verbally and physically abused whenever I lost control as a child. I wish someone had cared to understand me. He’s def getting better at regulating in those moments, and I think he knows I’m here for him when he can’t.
@@MaggieFox45 Why are you scrolling down the comments before watching the video? especially if you don't want to see any spoilers? What are you looking for? The comment section is for people to discuss the content of the video or share their stories related to the video, every comment can be a spoiler to the content of the video.
My mom tells a story about how I was knee-high to a grasshopper and looked up at her and told her “you’re a bad mommy.” And rather than dismissing me or countering my opinion, she got down on my level and allowed me to feel that way about her at that time.
My parents biggest problem is when I would feel a certain way they would take it personally like an attack as opposed to seeing where the feelings come from
My parents always said they loved me unconditionally but deep down I never believed it. I always felt like I was being judged for the things I did and said. I felt like I was one mistake away from having it all ripped away from me. It never happened but that's because I was always on edge and hyper vigilant. I made sure I didn't make any mistakes. It also meant I didn't share a lot with my parents for fear of being judged. I guess the big thing I want to say is just saying "I'll always love you" isn't enough. You need to show unconditional love as much as say it.
In hindsight I wish that they didn't say "I love you" as much as they did. All it did was fuck me up more and make it take longer for me to realize that I needed therapy. "My family loves me, they say it all the time" I thought, "So if I'm unhappy with them, it MUST be because I'M a shitty person, right?" I'm happily married now and my partner and I actually don't say "I love you." We show love through our actions and consistent support. Words are meaningless unless they have any evidence to back them up.
@@DSS712I like the way you put it. I just got a boyfriend myself and we keep the "I love yous" as a cherry on top expression over an action that's been done or a conversation that's been shared that carries real meaning in our relationship. It makes this romantic expression, and other sayings similar to it, to really have the kind of power that moves each other's feelings. It doesn't make it seem like an empty saying.
It’s weird. My parents are not exactly accepting of some of my interests or some aspects of who I am, but they never once made me feel unwanted, even when I was sat down and told I need to start looking for work because I’ll be thrown out at 18… I wasn’t. I just moved to live with other relatives while my parents sold the house, and I did start looking for a job, and applied to colleges and universities with lots of support. Financially? Nobody could pay anything directly. But housing, and some amount of transportation was freely provided because my family could do that much.
My dad has hardly said I love you most my life. Should I still feel ok because he was still there ? It bugs the fuck out of me and I can never stop thinking about it and how he used to hit me and threaten my life as a kid.
@@darkstarr984nothing weird at all. Every person is different and has different perceptions, sensitivities and emotional needs, different coping strategies, neurochemistry, etc. There are always those who claim that "I was spanked/left the house at 18/never heard that I'm loved and turned out ok", but this doesn't mean that for lots of people such treatment wouldn't be harmful. The same as not everyone in the active military receives PTSD after the war, it's "only" 25% of participants - but we don't go around saying that war is not a traumatic thing. It IS, because if not for the war, those 25% wouldn't develop PTSD. Or someone could claim that they didn't fasten the safety belt and survived a car accident - and it wouldn't change the fact that safety belts greatly reduce casualties in car accidents. So there is no point in comparing yourself to other people who went through seemingly similar things but you didn't experience harmful consequences and they did. First, you don't know if your circumstances were indeed that similar, second, you're just another human. And it's well established that those things about emotional availability, being consistent, being affectionate, etc., have a huge impact on a person's development and emotional wellbeing.
As a senior citizen working through childhood issues, this video resonated big time with me. With my parents gone (step-parent, too), there is no way to now get what I needed. I have learned that we were raised much the same way as our parents were raised. Emotional support was secondary to food and shelter and clothing because those were the issues of their parents. Love and security was a pretty addition if you were able to get that. I became resilient at an early age since all of your list was unavailable to me. I have learned that my parents barely coped with their own emotions so they never learned how, nor could they teach it. I have no blame against them...they were who they were...but I have choices NOW and I'm choosing to dig, examine, and release all of the things that did not happen when I was little. Is that emotional health? I think so.
I think so too, I agree 100% with your comment. It checks out against Maslow's hierarchy of needs: there's not much time and energy to allocate to being present with your children when you haven't yet secured their (and your) next meal, or when you aren't sure if you're going to have a roof over your head next week. Fortunately, as you say, we have choices now, and the opportunity to change that story going forward! ❤
As a soon-to-be mom (due in March), this really helps give me confidence in knowing that I can focus on the key parts of parenting. There are many ideas and shaming around being a parent but it helps to know that these are the most crucial for your child and that is what to focus on.
I've never said "I hate you" to my mom but whenever I'd try to explain or defend myself, she'd always say "who do you think you're talking to?" Or something along those lines...now I always shut my mouth and nod whenever someone is 'yelling' at me to avoid upsetting them and I started to avoid being around people to avoid those situations. I'm working on my habitual isolation but it's not easy Sending my love to people who feel the same or similar in any situation. You're gonna get through and when you start expressing yourself more, it's so beautiful ❤❤
0/10 I had to smile as you went down the list. Nope. Nope. Not that one either. I look at it as validation, so thank you. I’m two years into regular therapy and have grown so much. I have a long way to go still, but after having thought for 40 years that something was inherently wrong with me, I’m finally starting to coming around to the thought that I have worth. Videos like this remind me that ‘it wasn’t my fault’. I did the best I could. Both as a 5yo and as a 45yo. And now that I know more, I can make better choices for myself. Myself. No one else. A second video would be great. Thank you 🙏🏻
My mama has psychological issues herself but she always and still holds me when I’m upset and I kissed my parents on the cheek and say I love you every time we speak.
I'm really confident that in this day and age, where having kids is becoming more and more a choice and not an imposition, the amount of parent neglect will go down. Having children is difficult but in the past it was treated so nonchalantly and anytime parents were abysmal at their jobs the default setting was: they had it rough too, they meant well and the victim blaming was off the charts. Going no contact with my parents was one of the best decision of my life.
I definitely felt ignored, not shamed, just unnoticed and was depressed for years before I realized that was what I was feeling even though my mom herself has always had depression and knew what it was to have a depressed mother who didn't do much parenting. It made my high school years much harder than they needed to be and I feel like I missed out on so much I didn't do. I wish she had noticed how I was struggling.
I am breaking my generational trauma by not passing it on to my kids. I have made great effort to do so. I know I’ve failed at times with them, but I continue to try. My family was very strict, emotionally displays got you a spanking and being isolated (being sent to my room and not allowed to have tv or radio on. If I had homework I did that; otherwise I sat in silence wondering what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t stop certain things like emotions) Twice as strict around any other people. Seen not heard, keep my hands to myself and not touch anything (even in a lumber store where not many things can be broken easily)
I experienced emotional neglect, and I suspect it's because my parents (boomers) had the same experience with their parents. I don't think they realized how harmful it was because it was just the norm. to them. My dad respond with anger to any emotionally charged situation. My mom cries or shuts down or brushes things off. Both of them are bad at communicating, which all might've been the recipe for their marriage ending--I was too young to really know. Displaying emotion around them was met with yelling or being disregarded or nothing, so I learned to keep emotions to myself. (Good ol' hide away and cry in the shower or in the dead of night when everyone was asleep). I think starting to journal at a young age was very useful for me to have some sort of outlet when no other existed for me. I don't have many memories of my childhood, before roughly puberty... which was also rough because I didn't identify with my assigned gender. I was allowed to wear my preferred clothes, but definitely not with any level of enthusiastic approval. More so threats to take me to a doctor so they can TELL me who I was (borderline conversion therapy-esque). What came along with puberty was NOT something I wanted to acknowledge, and certainly not share, but my mom went around telling everyone and it was mortifying. As the youngest in my family, I was always sort of ignored or forgotten. My thoughts or feelings about anything were not valued. I was "too young" to understand, but old enough to take over the duties of the house while a parent was gone (while my older siblings could sit back and relax). I was resigned to being quiet and lamenting by myself. Even in high school when I developed social anxiety and couldn't bring myself to eat lunch at school, my mom noticed I wasn't needing lunch money, but didn't take any interest beyond mentioning it once. I also didn't make any friends--I decided I didn't want them. Four years without any concern (I ate when I got home). As an adult, nothing has changed with them, I've just learned to cope. In more recent years I've noticed the effect my upbringing has had on my difficulty expressing my emotions to others or getting close to anyone. Noticing and understanding where it comes from has been very helpful, but I have a lot of work to do to undo the damage.
My parents screwed me up. It wasn't intentional, I know very well that they loved me, and that they did the best they could. But they were very busy with work, plus I was an only child, and we lived out in the middle of nowhere, and I was never able to just walk to my friends' houses like my friends who all lived in town did often. When I got into middle school, I was a heavy kid and had developed what I called "boy boobs". For this I was often teased and bullied (sometimes in really aggressive and humiliating ways). However through this time, I spent A LOT of time alone, and felt that if I talked to my parents about being bullied that they would think I was weak and less worthy of love (this was unfounded, as I know now that at least my dad would've been comforting and supportive). However, I kept it all inside and wrapped up. In high school, I found 'my tribe' and became much happier and more comfortable. However, I had still never addressed the trauma of my middle school years. As an adult, I have had struggle after struggle after struggle (and still struggle) relating to being able to identify my emotions, communicating my emotions, and processing them in a healthy way, or at least asking for help. It even cost me my first marriage. I also struggle with immense social anxiety in professional settings, or with people who I felt had official authority, or who I saw as being "put together" and successful. My first love was always music, but being good at math, I went into accounting, which I still do, and have seen some success, as I do have a pretty decent job now. However, I now get to where I feel trapped in sterile, office settings, and frequently long to move to the mountains, and just raise goats and play guitar. But I have responsibilities, to my current wife, and to my two daughters (from my first marriage). And I feel like I am screwing up their internal emotional infrastructures. My oldest daughter though seems very comfortable in her own skin, and for that I am so grateful. However, my youngest daughter is showing strong signs of isolating herself and self-soothing, and regularly demonstrates the same 'I'm fine' response to emotional inquiries, much as I have my whole life. I'm scared for her. And thus, I give her a lot of extra leeway and attention, sometimes to the chagrin of my oldest daughter, who has expressed to her step mother that she felt I coddle the youngest. I'm working on it. i'm on an ungodly amount of meds, and have seen therapist after therapist with some positive results. But I still struggle often with emotional isolation when I feel down, communicating emotions, and even intimacy with my wife. I just feel like I'm kind of emotionally cast and that I won't ever be normal in emotional processing and communication, and that I am setting up at least my youngest daughter for a life of much of the same struggles, and my heart breaks for her thinking that. Thank you for these videos. I feel that they have at least helped me get some definition to what I (and to an extent, my parents) have put myself through, and also what I may be putting my daughters through. I'm trying, I just don't know if it's going to be enough to break the cycle with my own daughters, as well as with my intimate relationship with my wife. I still feel like it's only a matter of time before I end up alone and possibly homeless.
I really appreciate that you gave so many examples of what parents can say to build healthy relationships and a strong foundation for attachment. Putting the specific examples & words out there, helps parents have an idea of what it looks/sounds like, and gives them a place to start/put it in their own words. Great video, thanks Kati!
Wow. Neither parent engaged in any kind of activities with us. I believe we were just a “job” that she did. She made meals,cleaned,did laundry…that kind of thing. But to be INVOLVED in our lives,or interest in what we were thinking or doing-a big fat NOPE. Always felt like I was just a bother.
No affection whatsoever. Any physical contact was a belt to the backside. Or a shoe or a tomato upside the head. I once got a glass of water thrown at me
Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s we got fed and clothed and educated. That’s about all parents were supposed to do-or at least that was message I got. My father reminded me that I owned NOTHING-everything belonged to HIM and he just LET me live there
It drives me nuts the way my sister shares private details about her teenage kids lives, shames them for their grades, not doing chores, being suspended, tells embarrassing stories about them, and thinks it's amusing or justified. When the kids have any kind of birthday, she will talk about the most unrelated things and literally reach over her child with her phone to show someone else a facebook post she thought was interesting. I caught my nephew's eye and we were both like "wtf? why does she do this?"
Long before social media, Dad treated me as less than because I am female. His father was worse! To his wife, Dad learned that from his father. Horrible dynamic!
I am so proud that I give all this loving things to my own children and I am emotionally available as a stay at home single mom and I encourage my children to communicate with me and I help my children with everything they need and my sons father who is absent thinks buying material things for his child will make him love his father ( false) . Children grow up and remember who was there and not the toys or cloths you buy for them
I watched this video as a parent, to make sure I'am aware of my own behaviour, this video is amazing. My daughter is most important person to me , but even then is good to check with the reality and make sure we are as a parents are on track and if needed changing our approaches. It's very important to constantly learn. Amazing video! Thank you
I am sure I missed some of these things in my childhood. Especially being open about emotions, this is something my family struggled with. And I really hope that I could provide most of these points to my daughter, who is now grown up.
Yeah, I was either shamed or teased and made fun of for crying, aswell as for having emotions as a child. It definitely created alot of resentment in me and I have always felt overly sensitive to being made fun of or feeling inferior my whole life. Loneliness and a sense of never belonging are also present due to early childhood neglect and not connecting with others emotionally, minus maybe those that also have felt isolated or neglected. I'm 40 now and have done alot to learn positive thinking, hopefulness and emotional management, to think about my feelings and the feelings of others. I'm motivated towards opening up and correcting my behaviors atleast and I think I'm making alot of progress. But those hurt feelings and even hurt from past attachments that were broken never entirely go away.
Around 20 years old (over a decade ago) I had a mental breakdown and was at my lowest point, and I decided to openly admit to my parents that I felt consistently suicidal even if I didn't understand why. I'll never forget my mom walking into my room hysterical crying, begging me to assure her that "she had nothing to do with this." I paused and then told her it's not because of her (not because that's what I actually believed, but because I didn't want her to feel bad.) Then, she walked out of the room and closed the door without another word, while I still laid there feeling awful and empty. In that moment I realized that she had everything to do with this all along. In my darkest moment, she made it about HER. She made it about HER feeling comfortable and secure. She wanted to know that she was a "good mother" more than she wanted to know that I was going to be okay. And that told me all I needed to know.
My parents (mother, mostly) just sent us to our room when we had an emotion that made her uncomfortable or frustrated. Which,l would have been fine, if it had been followed up with a discussion about why we were upset. But it wasn't. We were sent to calm down and were only allowed to return onto the family when we were done with the emotion. This taught us that emotions are shameful or bother others and should be shut away. We need to isolate ourselves until we are done feeling our feeling and are ready to rejoin the family with a smile so we don't bother people. Which is what I did 8 years ago. And I haven't spoken to anyone in my family since. Which has been easy to do, since they have not come looking for me either. I guess we all decided it wasn't worth the discomfort. I wish my parents had supported me or encouraged me. Told me, even with the slightest sincerity that they thought I was capable or good at something. I wish my parents had thought harder before having children, and healed their own stuff before popping out three miserable minis.
My mother did the same when I had 'temper tantrums'. Any expression of negative emotion in children was to be discouraged. Yet we were expected to be supportive of her when she got upset. Double standards. But thinking in depth about one's own readiness to be a parent was apparently not the norm back then.
I didn't have these things and I have a huge need for external validation to the point it drives people crazy. Working on this but it's not easy to overcome.
Do you know how many times I was told that as a kid? Like that I should be lucky those needs are met because for some kids they aren't? Or being told that at least I got food that wasn't just bread and butter because that would be enough to live off of? These videos have really helped me realize what I was missing
I agree with everything you said but I think exposing children to diverse experiences is also important. Parents shape children's assumptions about life, self, and others by exposing them to various activities, opinions, and educational opportunities, which influence their development up to their teenage years.
Please make a part 2 to this video. You’re videos have been very informative, insightful and so helpful to someone like myself who experienced 10 out of 10 of these issues on this list
Your video is so in-depth and comprehensive, thank you for what you do! There was so much my parents did wrong and they never realized it, and probably still don't. Neither understood emotions (one emotionally absent, one dismissive and argumentative) and my mom actually said to me as an adult, "I didn't want to encourage your feelings." All I learned was that I didn't want to be heard and my feelings were something terrible and wrong. And as a result, I was. I did alot of bottling, didn't develop a sense of self or self-worth and esteem, had no boundaries, overshared, run by fear and anxiety, and sought validation through accomplishment. It's been a long journey re-parenting myself where they failed. They aren't bad people, just ignorant.
Great video, here are a more things worth considering for your part 2 (although they are more or less extensions of some of the things from this video 1. When they do give you physical affection, it is about YOU, not about THEM. An emotionally unregulated parent can force affection and teach the child, either directly or indirectly, that it is shameful and mean to reject others' requests for physical affection and touch. Even when the forced affection isn't overtly sexual in nature, I feel like the resulting trauma symptoms can be similar to such abuse - hence why such parental behaviors can be referred to as "covert incest" or "emotional incest" 2. They protect you from being hurt by others, even when those others are members of the family unit. (I feel like this falls into your last point about unconditional love.) When a parent protects you from let's say, mean neighbors and school bullies, but they don't protect you from a parent/sibling/relative who is treating you poorly (or even go so far as to shame you for expecting an apology) they are teaching you that your right to safety and respect is conditional - depending on the person who is involved.
As someone who came from a very rageful family, it screwed me up until I dealt with my issues recently. I didn't come from a conditional loved family, I got NO love no matter what I did, and I was/am really good at lots of things (naturally). What my family did to me I would NEVER do to my own kids, ever!
Wow! This really hit home. I already knew that I was emotionally neglected, but for years before I did, I sure did wonder what the heck was wrong with me! From the outside looking in, most of these childhoods looked good. That was mine. I am an only child. I never wanted for anything material, but inside I felt all alone. At 45, I STILL struggle internally. I’ve been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and take 3 medications for it. I’m also a Mom myself and I have a lot of guilt and shame for not being more UNLIKE my parents in my own parental abilities. I have a good relationship these days with my parents. I love them both very much. They didn’t intend to hurt me or make my life more difficult. They didn’t know any better. I used to carry more anger towards them than I do today. I still harbor some, but as an adult I can separate myself from their BS. I know how they are and how to navigate their sometimes unpleasant behaviors. As kids we can’t do that. As kids it’s internalized. What still hurts me to this day isn’t their past mistakes that can’t be changed, it’s the lack of acknowledgment that they screwed up, and were not in fact GREAT #1 PARENTS, but rather pretty shitty ones. But I guess it’s silly to think that after 45 years, they are going to cop to their shortcomings. Was never a specialty of theirs and they certainly haven’t changed much over the years, so I doubt I’ll ever get that recognition. It’s just hard, because I’m the opposite with my kids. I DO KNOW BETTER, but I still have a hard time regulating my emotions. But I’m better about apologizing than my parents were, and I definitely feel like I acknowledge their emotions more. Anyways, loved the video, love all you do Kati! Thank you!!!!❤️
Hi Kati! I'm 17 and I'm from India. i've been your sub for a year now. The only reason I came on this channel is because of my Exams. here in India, You have to compete with 1.4 million students to get a spot at a good uni. And out of them only 100k can actually get any college, if at all. you can Imagine competition here. My classroom feels like a trap and a battlefield at same time. 4 students tried to kill themselves in past 2 months. Could you please make a video on handling stress and anxiety along with other things for us students in india? Mental health is not deemed "Basic Treatment" under Indian law, therefore no student could get any therapist without parents knowing. My exam is called JEE and there is even a Netflix series on this called "Kota Factory". I think that your contribution might actually save lives here!
some insurance and/or state policies absolutely need to be changed ANYWHERE where mental health-related treatment is not coverec by insurance. Sending love and wishing you and your friends all the strength and love needed!
Yet another video where I'm a bit unsure of how much on the list fit me. Probably too much. I definitely got my "big feelings" thrown back in my face and my inner sense of logic helped beat them down, for being "unreasonable". It's also a big warning sign that I was afraid to go to my parents (and step-parents) for help when I was stuck with big problems that grew over my head, because I was afraid of potential verbal/emotional abuse I guess (and a few times a slap from a frustrated mom).
I had many of these issues growing up, with one parent being a narcissist and the other fed the other. They divorced when I was 14 and after I made my best choice, the other manipulated me to a worse choice. I am now free from the narcissist and repairing the damage.
This is an excellent video. I feel like almost all of those my parents were not perfect in. Now I’m finally having to learn to navigate and work through my emotions. I honestly have been confused so much of my life due to gaslighting, invalidation, and not enough space and safety to work through my struggles. I didn’t really know what I needed but now I do and I’m finally giving it to myself. And dang it’s freeing!!! Thank you
I never had any emotional support from my parents and expressing negative emotions was not welcome. On top of that my mother was very critical. To her chors were prioritized over anything. And nothing was ever well enough done. Even if it was , I don't remember her saying thank you or any words of appreciation. Even in my adult life she continued to have that kind of attitude commanding me and telling me what to do.around her house. Instead of asking nicely if I could help or do things etc. I had to learn to put lots of boundaries, so she had to realise, she can't just give orders and expect my help without asking me politely. As she would do normally with anyone else.
To be honest, i think the majority of kids experience this stuff to some degree. Parents who had such parents themselves. I know there has been plenty of this in my family. This is partly why i get so frustrated at people who insist that kids need to be smacked to teach them respect. They clearly take nothing else into account which is far more important. I've suffered lifelong anxiety, unable to form close relationships and can have trouble regulating emotions like anger. Something I regularly witnessed in my own parents too....My mum admitted to having been brought up with no affection and I know her mum had an awful mum herself that neither of them had anything good to say about. This can carry on for generations...won't go beyond me though as I chose to remain childless....
Really thank you for the video. I love the examples. It makes me calmer to know my upbringing helped to mold who I am. I often feel so stupid because I can’t regulate or even understand my emotions. I can’t even name what is wrong with me, I don’t know why I’m anxious.
When there is frequent domestic violence happening, plus poverty, kids get squat, as in nothing. Food, a bed, a few second hand clothes, and constantly living in fear. This was my childhood.
My mother was big mama and back in the late 80's and 90's mental health wasn't a thing. I was diagnosed in 1998, mental retardation, now to SMI. Mother tried but love and affection, I never received. I received punishment and nonstop beatings until the day she died. I'm amazed my boyfriend loves me like he does because nobody else has EVER shown me love. I thought and still think I don't deserve it. 😢
7:22 Wait what? That’s a thing? 😮 I was told that children are better seen and not heard. As a truth teller, it’s been a rough road. But I see now that I’ve been a puppet for their show. Cutting the strings! Thank you. It’s been refreshing to hear that I can still have my own life.
Thank you what a wonderful knowledge on how our childhood impacts our adulthood. I also been noticing our youth's today struggle with the family relationships.
Dad expected me to be an adult, I was between the ages of 5-11. He demanded that I jump when he barked. To read his mind. That wasn't possible, nor desirable. He's still a perfectionist. Totally unreasonable. He nitpicks at me, I'm never good enough, nor is anything I do, good enough. It is exhausting. I am not Kreskin, a mentalist. He's unrealistic and pushy. He doesn't like complaints(especially valid ones!), he shuts me down. It is condescending. He would get upset over small things, and ignore important things. Very confusing. He is still dictatorial. I am 60. I don't want his criticism/lectures/opinions(unasked for)!
Thank you for this video. It's really validating to see the many hidden examples of neglect, misattunement and disconnect. I'm 41, and have been actively reading and learning about childhood neglect (and dysfunctional family systems) for a couple years now. I'm also in attachment-focused trauma therapy, so things are moving. But, to so see what I intellectually know spelled out here with your specific examples (great idea by the way, they really help in making diffuse acts of neglect more identifiable) ...I was in tears. Oh, how it hurts to not having gotten such essential things. It hurts, and I see so many hurt people here, too. It's ...well. It's a lot.
This is straight up the supervision I'm looking for. Almost have half my supervised clinical hours, then planning on taking the exam in December!! Yay! Thanks for the great information.
Different with my father. he was almost just too neutral. he wouldn't even get angry at me when he probably should have.He wasn't terrible but he really didn't know how to be a father.
This video was fantastic. I really liked the examples of negative and positive interactions. This REALLY helped me understand how far from ideal my childhood was and what things I can ask for from people around me to help improve my environment while working on my internal portion of the work
Dear Kati, I dont know how to thank you for this video. Ive been working so hard on knowing what is children abuse from parents, but here you are talking about the exact opposite thing, which is not very common, and honestly, to me right now this video is like pure gold cause its gonna help me get a guide of what it is that i gotta give to myself in my healing journey. I do not know how to thank you, and YES, please, make the second part. Lots of love to you. ❤
I had some intense emotions when I was growing up that I could not possibly have expressed, but my parents did pay for a year of psychiatric treatment at a mental hospital out of their own pocket, so I do believe that they gave their best shot at raising me to be happy, and in spite of acute mental illness, life isn't bad. I isolate a lot. I build walls between me and other people, but I half to do that to be able to focus on my writing. I need lots of solitude to stay in touch with my creative side.
Great video! But it makes me so sad because I didn't get any of those 10 things growing up, I've been in therapy since I was 18 (I'm in my 40's now) and is still so hard to heal for me. Maybe is because I'm doing it alone, I have no friends or partner to help me in this journey, the only kind of person I feel I can talk to is a therapist. I have Schizoid Personality Disorder is impossible for me to forme relationships. PS: Sorry if I made any English mistakes
I felt that the love I received from my parents were conditional if I made good grades, did all my chores correctly, said or did the right/ correct thing. I received mostly negative attention while growing up. I received no positive attention. I feel so out of sorts with people.
Thank you for this. I'm using this list to re-parent myself, as well as to become a better and more supportive parent for my twins. It's been a big hunting mission, trying to figure out what I've missed, because "you don't know what you don't know". But lists like this help a lot. Growing up, I think I had 0/10 being consistently given on the list, but through therapy and a lot of inner child work and introspection, I feel so much stronger. I appreciate your videos. ❣
Thank you for sharing this video. So consistency is something we get from our parents and without them we learn inconsistency and it's not a trauma respond
People pleaser’s is one side of it Perfectionism is another side, And in some exact opposite happens, they give damn to all relationships even closest. Or they just go opposite of being perfect. Great video.
So much what was said in this video hits deep... as a person in my 30's still stuggling to heal from feeling invalidate growing up and now trying to learn how to manage intense emotions or just communicate simple things that upset me, I know how important it is to feel understood, acknowledged but also taught with unconditional love.
I grew up in a insecure, angry, scared, and stressed out household in 1970. I was told act like my my sister. My sister was smart, jovial, chatty, and independent. I was not. I was a shy, deeply insecure, lonely, sick kid. I always had a cold, didn't enjoy school, was clumsy, had few friends, and always called the "other" daughter. My mother raised us to be "little" adults and was proud that we were tough, smart, independent kids who knew how to work, run a household, and knew the value of money. We learned to sort it out ourselves and didn't tell "mom" if there was a problem. We were thrust into my parents dysfunctinal marriage trying to solve their lives. My parents didn't believe in therapy and we were forced into picking sides most of the time. I am now 56 and now both my parents are dead. I do not have a relationship with my older sister. I do not how to reconcile the fact that my parents never knew me as an adult. It seems they only wanted to see that sick and lonely kid I once was. How do I let go of the resentment and not be so angry at my lot?
My parents were absolutely emotionally unavailable. I was born in the late 80s, and all my dad knew how to do was work and provide, hardly anything else. And I can assume my mom tried, but she was often checked out, probably from what I think was lack of support from my dad, because “women are supposed to care for the children and men work”. Sigh…. My adulthood is wrought with insecurity. I can only think I gained so much emotional intelligence due to videos like these over the last decade. Seriously, I am 100% more emotionally intelligent than my parents. And guess what? I can guess most of us this way don’t want to have kids! Pretty much all of my friends I grew up with don’t have children. I think it’s because the world is getting a lot smarter, have higher expectations and don’t want to carry the heavy weight it is to grow a healthy human life. Sadly my mom died when I was 25, so I didn’t even get to evolve who I am now with her. And my dad may not fully get what he didn’t do for me, even if he is a heartfelt person now. But it has all left me a person that deeply fears growth and being more. They are lucky I turned out to be a good person, but also not an overly successful person because they thought I’d just figure everything out in my own despite what they did/ didn’t do. All I want everyone to know is, I hear you, I validate you, but please try to keep your life together, because it’s not easy in the world.
Yes please, a part 2 would be great. I think 10/10 of these relate to my childhood. Absolutely no emotions were discussed or expressed other than anger, and many things were on condition. If i was ever listened to, it was probably shaming. A worse example recently was my half sister who wasn't happy that i couldn't do a favour for her, so she didnt reply to my Christmas message, and hasn't messaged me since.
Not only did my mother not validate my emotions, but she would take the teenage “I hate you” strong emotion expression to heart, and my teenage years were spent with a deranged mother who actually thought I hated her and acted accordingly. I am now 30 years old and she still holds this against me to this day.
Thanks for demonstrating positive examples- most videos only focus on the negatives. This helped me realize much more how problematic my childhood was, since I not always identify with the negative examples, but now realize that there were almost none of the positives. And without knowing how healthy parent-child interactions even look like it was hard to see that. Anyone knows more videos of this kind?
Conditional love and acceptance has proven to be a double edged sword for my parents. I love excelling at sports and intellectual pursuits, I love the feeling of accomplishment and act of thinking or physically performing/practicing. In the flow state no-one else exists.
This is like a primer for what I experienced. lol Individuality was crushed, boundaries were not existent, respect was not present, no one was to be trusted, privacy was denied, and affection was not given. I got judgement, criticism, lectures, put downs, and insults. And of course love was conditional. 😆 So Kati - how do we fix it as adults?
I'm in my late forties and have been wondering how I can be so messed up at this age with as much therapy as I've had. Therapy currently feels so different than it felt 20 years ago.
Emotions were not validated but punished. More so me than my sister for some reason. She was allowed to be sensitive, I was not. My parents were big believers in "children were meant to be seen and not heard" as well as "if you want to cry, I'll give you a reason to cry." They did the best they could with the knowledge they had. Getting worked up about it now is pointless. I'm the one responsible for fixing whatever may be the result of their parenting style. C'est la vie!
So what should people do if they had exactly zero of these in their childhood growing up? Straight up, every negative example you provided was a fragment of both my parents on an average day.
This is fascinating. The only one of these I am confident my parents gave me was affection. I am also confident I didn't get any of these: emotional availability, boundaries, consistency, and communication.
Coming from super strict, controlling conservative and devout catholic christian parents...I can confirm that childhood neglect was a huge thing for me growing up. One of reasons as to why I am a very strong atheist now. "You need to just get over it..." or "Give all of your heartaches and pain, wants and needs to an invisible sky daddy...and he will take care of you!" IS NOT how you should be communicating to your child (or anyone for that matter). Most likely why now, as an adult in my mid 30's, I am struggling now feeling comfortable in my own skin. This stuff is very real soooo no one is truly alone in this world. I am having to relearn just how to feel and think and act on a daily basis. Best of luck to anybody else, who may very well still be trying to find or figure themselves out! Be kind to yourself. ☯️🖤🖤🖤☯️
Hello, Kati. I love your videos because you are so clear and explain things so well. This will probably be a long post, and I don't expect you to read it to the end because I am unimportant in the world and don't deserve to be read. I am English and wonder if things are sometimes different in my country. I am also older (65), and how children are treated may change over time. My parents would not have recognised the term parenting. In their day, you had children. Being emotionally available would not have occurred to them. I was a very nervous and shy child, and I was acutely and painfully aware of the burden I presented to them. You may have the saying in America that children should be seen and not heard. Not being heard means more than not being noisy - it means you don't have a voice and you are not as important as adults. The thing is, looking back, I can see how they felt. My mum and dad were anxious, and I added to their anxiety. The upshot was that I never quite developed an independent sense of self or became an independent adult. Perhaps there is a diagnosis that I never received. All of this is said without self-pity by the way. I don't want you to think that I am not OK in life. It did mean that becoming an adult was difficult for me. I wasn't able to have an adult relationship until later in life ( I hadn't had a girlfriend or any intimate or sexual experience until I was 36). I had written myself off as inadequate and unappealing. I don't really know why I am writing all this to a stranger who is a whole Atlantic ocean away. I just want to let you know that your work is important and reaches people who need your videos all over the world. Best wishes, Jerry x
I remember being at home sick, couldn’t go to school, about 7 years old, I got I bit of an appetite back, asked my dad (he was unemployed and slept all day) if he would heat up some leftovers for me. And his response was “I am gunna take care of ME first. THEN you!” As he made himself food.
My dad and mom were kind of just absent, but I would consider my stepmom 100% emotionally abusive. There are some things I needed like leg exercises to fix a growth deformity, but she didn't handle it like a good parent would. Instead, she pushed me to the extremes the first couple times instead of letting me adjust, so think about a newcomer going to the gym and trying to lift 150 lb weights, except your trainer won't let you back down despite you being not ready for that much. That's not the worst part though, it was that she was inconsistent with the exercises. We started off hardcore, but we got to a point where she wouldn't make me do them unless she was having a bad day at work. I'm not even including how perfect my grades had to be in school. After she left our lives, everything changed and my dad became kind of toxic. He would constantly put fear into me about how I would live if he was gone, but he didn't actually take the time to prepare me, so all I could do was sit in fear and self-loathing.
I have struggled with almost all symptoms you mentioned. Unfortunately I went through all my life not knowing why I had issues with socializing, communication, and emotions.
My Mom was consistent, and she loved us unconditionally (score 2/10). I will say, I think she loved me more unconditionally than my bro. She worked herself hard to take care of us. She provided more reliably than the sunrise.
My parents definitely made no room for feeling big emotions. My dad squashed and shamed 50/50, my mom pretty much just shamed. I can’t recall a single time from childhood where any adult made room for big feelings. I’m 27 and still learning.
Most, if not all, neuroses can be boiled down to intergenerational trauma. There was a time when children were nothing more than the economic props of a family because they could be put to work on farms, factories, and mines. The average child was not expected to develop any emotional maturity because there was no economic value to that. These children then grow up traumatized and they perpetuate their trauma with their own children, and so on and so forth. We now place immense value on emotional maturity for the same reason - it has huge economic value. A person who cannot regulate their emotions, cannot set boundaries, and cannot articulate their feelings, cannot remain competitive in a highly intellectual modern-day workforce. Again, this is not the case in developing countries that are primarily agricultural or industrial. This only applies to primarily service economies which is what most developed nations have moved on to. More and more manual labor and manufacturing jobs are now replaced by machines, which have ZERO emotional capacity by the way, thus making them the perfect worker. Humans need to develop emotional and social skills to contribute to other parts of the economy but this is proving somewhat of a difficult adjustment. Our parents came from a generation where emotional development is not only stunted but actively discouraged. The terrifying thing is that we are actually regressing by putting our children on social media and iPads. In the past, children avoid emotional growth by working. That way, they can contribute to the family income. Today, children do the same by watching mindless videos on social media and playing games on iPads. That way, they don't demand as much attention from parents which reduces their capacity to work hence reducing the family's income.
My daughter tells me she hates me every day. She is AuDHD. I tell her, "Let's talk about that when you're calm." She never remembers that she said it. Is it really true or not? I'm not present with my kids as much as I want to be. I have a house to maintain in a livable condition and two special needs kids as well as a 2 year old. My husband has severe ADD, and is never present with anyone or anything for more than five minutes at a time. I'd like to know how low income parents can be present for their kids when they can't feed them without working 2 jobs. I want to know, because I'd like to do it too. Not being able to be there for my kids as much as I want to makes me feel horrible. I'm sure it feels bad to them, too. I try to explain, but they don't really care. They want what they want. I don't know how to do this. Some parents might be too busy on their phones. I'm too busy taking care of my kids. I have no life outside that. I'm told that's not healthy. I can't do what everyone wants. They're mutually exclusive. There’s not enough hours in the day. I feel depressed and overwhelmed. How do you do this? I want to, but I can't seem to make it work. What am I missing? I don't want my kids to feel like I did when I was little. I want to do better. I wish my parents hadn't refused to acknowledge us when we weren't happy. I wish they'd taught us that all feelings are normal and ok. Unconditional love is something I got from dad, but not mom. Thank goodness I had it a little. But he was always working to overcome my mom's spending problem. He died when I was a teen of stress. I took over taking care of my siblings because mom got really sick. I've always been taking care of people. You'd think I'd know what I was doing by now. Somehow, I still can't make it work. I don't get how other people make this work, and I can't. This is probably not a helpful response. I'm sorry. I wish I had something constructive to say.
Good Lord! I didn't get any of these things. Neither did my 4 brothers & sisters. The eldest is certifiable. 😔 Being the middle child and having the affection of the father I'm not as poorly off as my elder sister but I am not normal by any stretch and there is not enough time in the world for me to heal. At the age of 67 I felt, for the first time, true happiness. This is a real feeling of contentment
I have an emotionally unavailable parent. We got into a fight recently and she called me manipulative. She also accused me of playing the victim(which she has before). She is inconsistent because she also called me the little engine that could because I never give up. I don't know how she actually feels about me, but I only think it's positive when I make her long or feel good. If I have feelings and thoughts she doesn't like then I am the victim and manipulative. I understand my mom didn't have a great childhood and that's the reasons for her problems, but she never is wrong or takes accountability. She also never gets any type of mental help. I am in therapy and will take medication if needed. When she started screaming that I was threatening her after I asked for respect, it was time for it to end.
I agree with your video. I guess it is easier to look back 20 years with the knowledge and understanding that we have today and judge. This generation is lucky to have all this info, but I wonder if 20 years from now they too will be judged. Hindsight is always 20/20
I feel a strange compulsion to laugh as this went along as in “haha right, parents do these things?” Got none of these things unfortunately and I feel that I raised myself and went through everything alone. Child of the 70s and 80s here. I am happy this information is much more accessible now.
Huge thank you to our community for sharing what they wish they received from their parents. Also, my inner child and breaking habits workshops may be a great place to begin healing: katimorton.com/the-shop
Hey Kati. Was wondering if you could answer this for me if possible? Why do I get upset when my material things don't look perfect? Like a scuff mark on my wall or a scratch on my car? What causes me to get upset over these imperfections & how do I stop leting this bother me? Thanks for your time. Hope you're doing well.
How does one start to heal from knowing these topics resonate in needing inner work?
@@elizabethrotter4285 Agree. A lot of us can identify with this but really offers littel help to fix it, especialy for those of us who are old and whose parents are deceased. Been thru a stack of therapists. Unable to make emotional connections.
As an older man, i feel 99% of parents from the 60s, 70s and 80s were NOT there emotionally and had 0 insight. Kids had to "do school and chores" without being able to express themself. Parents were smoking, drinking, watching TV. Mothers were there only if you were sick. Fathers were even less in tune with themselves and just "providing". Going through motions: making babies because you had too, feeding them, dressing them, sending them to school, plugging them in front of the TV or sending them to the park or room/basement. Thx
My parents did not even care if I was sick or injured. The neighbours had to tell my parents to take me to the hospital or participate in school activities
"Making babies because you had to"
Nailed it! Emotionally unavailable parents don't have children for the experience of parenthood, they only want trophy kids to boost their own ego and social standing.
Yeah that’s rough, all it did was create a damaged newer generation. 😣😓
@ladycake1515 Sorry to hear! Definitely not cool. Don't make kids if you font want them I say.
as an older woman, I agree with you 100%. But then, in my case, throw in a handicap child with a narcissistic father who was abusive to everyone. I have zero relationships with connections to no one, was in a DV marriage and divorced 20 years ago, being a part-time parent, coparenting with my own narcissist. At least my daughter as an adult stays in contact with me. I have no idea how I manage in life. I just barely with everything.
Yes. I was never allowed the space to feel anything while they had the entire stage for themselves to feel anything and express it however they pleased. During heated moments, I found myself having to navigate their emotions, yet, I was expected to sit there with a flat affect because any tiny micro-expression was "disrespect."
^^^ This. Exactly this :-(
One more thing I'd like to add for these types of videos. I really like these comparative "frames of reference" videos to help with modeling or planting a flag to a destination to move towards. Not having a frame of reference for "what something looks like" is like navigating a forest without a compass and this helps provide that compass.
What would be even better is to have a generalized idea of how to handle someone (as an adult) who behaves in these toxic ways, in a healthy manner that is self-protective, but isn't counter-productive or overusing force in a way that makes us toxic ourselves.
I was never allowed to be angry or upset. My mum was angry and short tempered all the time but if I was I was difficult and selfish. I was always walking on eggshells.
Exactly :(
I was never allowed to or at least it was implied that I couldn’t really speak my mind. I remember when I was a kid for Father’s Day I was with my mom getting dad a worlds best dad gift. I flat out said but he’s not a good dad and mom basically brushed it off. To this day I can’t be honest with my friends when they upset me and hate confrontations. I’m over apologetic and feel like I’m too emotional.
My preschooler was having a meltdown one evening. Afterwards I hugged him and said, “feeling out of control feels really yucky inside, yeah?” And he looked at me with such relief, he just collapsed in my arms and let me hold him. ❤ I recall being verbally and physically abused whenever I lost control as a child. I wish someone had cared to understand me.
He’s def getting better at regulating in those moments, and I think he knows I’m here for him when he can’t.
10 - Emotional Availability
09 - Attunement
08 - Affection
07 - Attention
06 - Boundaries
05 - Consistency
04 - Communication
03 - Validation
02 - Space to feel
01 - Unconditional love
No spoilers
Thanks for the summary, it helps to focus on the video and remember the takeaways afterwards :)
@@MaggieFox45 Why are you scrolling down the comments before watching the video? especially if you don't want to see any spoilers?
What are you looking for?
The comment section is for people to discuss the content of the video or share their stories related to the video, every comment can be a spoiler to the content of the video.
My mom tells a story about how I was knee-high to a grasshopper and looked up at her and told her “you’re a bad mommy.” And rather than dismissing me or countering my opinion, she got down on my level and allowed me to feel that way about her at that time.
My parents biggest problem is when I would feel a certain way they would take it personally like an attack as opposed to seeing where the feelings come from
You put my feelings into words !, 😲
Me too!
Yes! My family does not say “I’m sorry”. My brother and I had to have this conversation and broke that bad habit.
I am so glad you talked to your brother about it and broke that bad habit!!!! xoxo
Dad thinks he's perfect and talks down to me when I would complain(rightfully so). Very oppressive! I am 60.
Impressive !, to have to conversation.. ! Congrats !!🎉🎉& change created..
My parents always said they loved me unconditionally but deep down I never believed it. I always felt like I was being judged for the things I did and said. I felt like I was one mistake away from having it all ripped away from me. It never happened but that's because I was always on edge and hyper vigilant. I made sure I didn't make any mistakes. It also meant I didn't share a lot with my parents for fear of being judged. I guess the big thing I want to say is just saying "I'll always love you" isn't enough. You need to show unconditional love as much as say it.
In hindsight I wish that they didn't say "I love you" as much as they did. All it did was fuck me up more and make it take longer for me to realize that I needed therapy. "My family loves me, they say it all the time" I thought, "So if I'm unhappy with them, it MUST be because I'M a shitty person, right?" I'm happily married now and my partner and I actually don't say "I love you." We show love through our actions and consistent support. Words are meaningless unless they have any evidence to back them up.
@@DSS712I like the way you put it. I just got a boyfriend myself and we keep the "I love yous" as a cherry on top expression over an action that's been done or a conversation that's been shared that carries real meaning in our relationship. It makes this romantic expression, and other sayings similar to it, to really have the kind of power that moves each other's feelings. It doesn't make it seem like an empty saying.
It’s weird. My parents are not exactly accepting of some of my interests or some aspects of who I am, but they never once made me feel unwanted, even when I was sat down and told I need to start looking for work because I’ll be thrown out at 18… I wasn’t. I just moved to live with other relatives while my parents sold the house, and I did start looking for a job, and applied to colleges and universities with lots of support. Financially? Nobody could pay anything directly. But housing, and some amount of transportation was freely provided because my family could do that much.
My dad has hardly said I love you most my life. Should I still feel ok because he was still there ? It bugs the fuck out of me and I can never stop thinking about it and how he used to hit me and threaten my life as a kid.
@@darkstarr984nothing weird at all. Every person is different and has different perceptions, sensitivities and emotional needs, different coping strategies, neurochemistry, etc. There are always those who claim that "I was spanked/left the house at 18/never heard that I'm loved and turned out ok", but this doesn't mean that for lots of people such treatment wouldn't be harmful. The same as not everyone in the active military receives PTSD after the war, it's "only" 25% of participants - but we don't go around saying that war is not a traumatic thing. It IS, because if not for the war, those 25% wouldn't develop PTSD. Or someone could claim that they didn't fasten the safety belt and survived a car accident - and it wouldn't change the fact that safety belts greatly reduce casualties in car accidents. So there is no point in comparing yourself to other people who went through seemingly similar things but you didn't experience harmful consequences and they did. First, you don't know if your circumstances were indeed that similar, second, you're just another human. And it's well established that those things about emotional availability, being consistent, being affectionate, etc., have a huge impact on a person's development and emotional wellbeing.
As a senior citizen working through childhood issues, this video resonated big time with me. With my parents gone (step-parent, too), there is no way to now get what I needed. I have learned that we were raised much the same way as our parents were raised. Emotional support was secondary to food and shelter and clothing because those were the issues of their parents. Love and security was a pretty addition if you were able to get that. I became resilient at an early age since all of your list was unavailable to me. I have learned that my parents barely coped with their own emotions so they never learned how, nor could they teach it. I have no blame against them...they were who they were...but I have choices NOW and I'm choosing to dig, examine, and release all of the things that did not happen when I was little. Is that emotional health? I think so.
I think so too, I agree 100% with your comment.
It checks out against Maslow's hierarchy of needs: there's not much time and energy to allocate to being present with your children when you haven't yet secured their (and your) next meal, or when you aren't sure if you're going to have a roof over your head next week. Fortunately, as you say, we have choices now, and the opportunity to change that story going forward! ❤
As a soon-to-be mom (due in March), this really helps give me confidence in knowing that I can focus on the key parts of parenting. There are many ideas and shaming around being a parent but it helps to know that these are the most crucial for your child and that is what to focus on.
That’s beautiful & congratulations to you🍼! I watch it to, to understand what was missing and how to be more attune with the little one.😊
I hope I gave my children most of those. This should be taught in schools.
I've never said "I hate you" to my mom but whenever I'd try to explain or defend myself, she'd always say "who do you think you're talking to?" Or something along those lines...now I always shut my mouth and nod whenever someone is 'yelling' at me to avoid upsetting them and I started to avoid being around people to avoid those situations. I'm working on my habitual isolation but it's not easy
Sending my love to people who feel the same or similar in any situation. You're gonna get through and when you start expressing yourself more, it's so beautiful ❤❤
I totally get you. If kids were dressed, fed, and went to school, "all was good".
Good for you! Solid advice and hope you doing so much better now!
0/10 I had to smile as you went down the list. Nope. Nope. Not that one either. I look at it as validation, so thank you. I’m two years into regular therapy and have grown so much. I have a long way to go still, but after having thought for 40 years that something was inherently wrong with me, I’m finally starting to coming around to the thought that I have worth. Videos like this remind me that ‘it wasn’t my fault’. I did the best I could. Both as a 5yo and as a 45yo. And now that I know more, I can make better choices for myself. Myself. No one else.
A second video would be great. Thank you 🙏🏻
I’m so proud of you ! This is so good that you have come this far !
My mama has psychological issues herself but she always and still holds me when I’m upset and I kissed my parents on the cheek and say I love you every time we speak.
I’m 52
My Grandmother is/was all these things for me...The stability, consistency and emotionally available elder I felt safety in. Love you, Grandma. ♥️
@bandtasticsound That is wonderful that you have your Grandma. What a blessing 🌞
I'm really confident that in this day and age, where having kids is becoming more and more a choice and not an imposition, the amount of parent neglect will go down. Having children is difficult but in the past it was treated so nonchalantly and anytime parents were abysmal at their jobs the default setting was: they had it rough too, they meant well and the victim blaming was off the charts. Going no contact with my parents was one of the best decision of my life.
I definitely felt ignored, not shamed, just unnoticed and was depressed for years before I realized that was what I was feeling even though my mom herself has always had depression and knew what it was to have a depressed mother who didn't do much parenting. It made my high school years much harder than they needed to be and I feel like I missed out on so much I didn't do. I wish she had noticed how I was struggling.
I am breaking my generational trauma by not passing it on to my kids. I have made great effort to do so.
I know I’ve failed at times with them, but I continue to try.
My family was very strict, emotionally displays got you a spanking and being isolated (being sent to my room and not allowed to have tv or radio on. If I had homework I did that; otherwise I sat in silence wondering what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t stop certain things like emotions)
Twice as strict around any other people. Seen not heard, keep my hands to myself and not touch anything (even in a lumber store where not many things can be broken easily)
I didn't have kids so this trauma won't be passed on!
I feel you .But God loves you and so do I❤
Lacking 10 of 10 growing up. It definitely affects you as you grow through adulthood. Thanks for this Kati!
😢😢😢
Same here 😔 as she went through the list, I found that I lacked all ten...and yeah you're right, it really affects you
I experienced emotional neglect, and I suspect it's because my parents (boomers) had the same experience with their parents. I don't think they realized how harmful it was because it was just the norm. to them. My dad respond with anger to any emotionally charged situation. My mom cries or shuts down or brushes things off. Both of them are bad at communicating, which all might've been the recipe for their marriage ending--I was too young to really know.
Displaying emotion around them was met with yelling or being disregarded or nothing, so I learned to keep emotions to myself. (Good ol' hide away and cry in the shower or in the dead of night when everyone was asleep). I think starting to journal at a young age was very useful for me to have some sort of outlet when no other existed for me.
I don't have many memories of my childhood, before roughly puberty... which was also rough because I didn't identify with my assigned gender. I was allowed to wear my preferred clothes, but definitely not with any level of enthusiastic approval. More so threats to take me to a doctor so they can TELL me who I was (borderline conversion therapy-esque). What came along with puberty was NOT something I wanted to acknowledge, and certainly not share, but my mom went around telling everyone and it was mortifying.
As the youngest in my family, I was always sort of ignored or forgotten. My thoughts or feelings about anything were not valued. I was "too young" to understand, but old enough to take over the duties of the house while a parent was gone (while my older siblings could sit back and relax). I was resigned to being quiet and lamenting by myself. Even in high school when I developed social anxiety and couldn't bring myself to eat lunch at school, my mom noticed I wasn't needing lunch money, but didn't take any interest beyond mentioning it once. I also didn't make any friends--I decided I didn't want them. Four years without any concern (I ate when I got home).
As an adult, nothing has changed with them, I've just learned to cope. In more recent years I've noticed the effect my upbringing has had on my difficulty expressing my emotions to others or getting close to anyone. Noticing and understanding where it comes from has been very helpful, but I have a lot of work to do to undo the damage.
My parents screwed me up. It wasn't intentional, I know very well that they loved me, and that they did the best they could. But they were very busy with work, plus I was an only child, and we lived out in the middle of nowhere, and I was never able to just walk to my friends' houses like my friends who all lived in town did often. When I got into middle school, I was a heavy kid and had developed what I called "boy boobs". For this I was often teased and bullied (sometimes in really aggressive and humiliating ways). However through this time, I spent A LOT of time alone, and felt that if I talked to my parents about being bullied that they would think I was weak and less worthy of love (this was unfounded, as I know now that at least my dad would've been comforting and supportive). However, I kept it all inside and wrapped up. In high school, I found 'my tribe' and became much happier and more comfortable. However, I had still never addressed the trauma of my middle school years.
As an adult, I have had struggle after struggle after struggle (and still struggle) relating to being able to identify my emotions, communicating my emotions, and processing them in a healthy way, or at least asking for help. It even cost me my first marriage. I also struggle with immense social anxiety in professional settings, or with people who I felt had official authority, or who I saw as being "put together" and successful.
My first love was always music, but being good at math, I went into accounting, which I still do, and have seen some success, as I do have a pretty decent job now. However, I now get to where I feel trapped in sterile, office settings, and frequently long to move to the mountains, and just raise goats and play guitar.
But I have responsibilities, to my current wife, and to my two daughters (from my first marriage). And I feel like I am screwing up their internal emotional infrastructures. My oldest daughter though seems very comfortable in her own skin, and for that I am so grateful. However, my youngest daughter is showing strong signs of isolating herself and self-soothing, and regularly demonstrates the same 'I'm fine' response to emotional inquiries, much as I have my whole life. I'm scared for her. And thus, I give her a lot of extra leeway and attention, sometimes to the chagrin of my oldest daughter, who has expressed to her step mother that she felt I coddle the youngest.
I'm working on it. i'm on an ungodly amount of meds, and have seen therapist after therapist with some positive results. But I still struggle often with emotional isolation when I feel down, communicating emotions, and even intimacy with my wife. I just feel like I'm kind of emotionally cast and that I won't ever be normal in emotional processing and communication, and that I am setting up at least my youngest daughter for a life of much of the same struggles, and my heart breaks for her thinking that.
Thank you for these videos. I feel that they have at least helped me get some definition to what I (and to an extent, my parents) have put myself through, and also what I may be putting my daughters through. I'm trying, I just don't know if it's going to be enough to break the cycle with my own daughters, as well as with my intimate relationship with my wife. I still feel like it's only a matter of time before I end up alone and possibly homeless.
I really appreciate that you gave so many examples of what parents can say to build healthy relationships and a strong foundation for attachment. Putting the specific examples & words out there, helps parents have an idea of what it looks/sounds like, and gives them a place to start/put it in their own words. Great video, thanks Kati!
Wow. Neither parent engaged in any kind of activities with us. I believe we were just a “job” that she did. She made meals,cleaned,did laundry…that kind of thing. But to be INVOLVED in our lives,or interest in what we were thinking or doing-a big fat NOPE. Always felt like I was just a bother.
No affection whatsoever. Any physical contact was a belt to the backside. Or a shoe or a tomato upside the head. I once got a glass of water thrown at me
Growing up in the 50’s and 60’s we got fed and clothed and educated. That’s about all parents were supposed to do-or at least that was message I got. My father reminded me that I owned NOTHING-everything belonged to HIM and he just LET me live there
It drives me nuts the way my sister shares private details about her teenage kids lives, shames them for their grades, not doing chores, being suspended, tells embarrassing stories about them, and thinks it's amusing or justified. When the kids have any kind of birthday, she will talk about the most unrelated things and literally reach over her child with her phone to show someone else a facebook post she thought was interesting. I caught my nephew's eye and we were both like "wtf? why does she do this?"
Long before social media, Dad treated me as less than because I am female. His father was worse! To his wife, Dad learned that from his father. Horrible dynamic!
I am so proud that I give all this loving things to my own children and I am emotionally available as a stay at home single mom and I encourage my children to communicate with me and I help my children with everything they need and my sons father who is absent thinks buying material things for his child will make him love his father ( false) . Children grow up and remember who was there and not the toys or cloths you buy for them
I’m so proud I provide all these things as a working mom, too.
I watched this video as a parent, to make sure I'am aware of my own behaviour, this video is amazing. My daughter is most important person to me , but even then is good to check with the reality and make sure we are as a parents are on track and if needed changing our approaches. It's very important to constantly learn. Amazing video! Thank you
I am sure I missed some of these things in my childhood. Especially being open about emotions, this is something my family struggled with. And I really hope that I could provide most of these points to my daughter, who is now grown up.
Yeah, I was either shamed or teased and made fun of for crying, aswell as for having emotions as a child. It definitely created alot of resentment in me and I have always felt overly sensitive to being made fun of or feeling inferior my whole life. Loneliness and a sense of never belonging are also present due to early childhood neglect and not connecting with others emotionally, minus maybe those that also have felt isolated or neglected.
I'm 40 now and have done alot to learn positive thinking, hopefulness and emotional management, to think about my feelings and the feelings of others. I'm motivated towards opening up and correcting my behaviors atleast and I think I'm making alot of progress. But those hurt feelings and even hurt from past attachments that were broken never entirely go away.
Around 20 years old (over a decade ago) I had a mental breakdown and was at my lowest point, and I decided to openly admit to my parents that I felt consistently suicidal even if I didn't understand why. I'll never forget my mom walking into my room hysterical crying, begging me to assure her that "she had nothing to do with this." I paused and then told her it's not because of her (not because that's what I actually believed, but because I didn't want her to feel bad.) Then, she walked out of the room and closed the door without another word, while I still laid there feeling awful and empty. In that moment I realized that she had everything to do with this all along. In my darkest moment, she made it about HER. She made it about HER feeling comfortable and secure. She wanted to know that she was a "good mother" more than she wanted to know that I was going to be okay. And that told me all I needed to know.
😢😢😢
@DSS7wow!12
My parents (mother, mostly) just sent us to our room when we had an emotion that made her uncomfortable or frustrated. Which,l would have been fine, if it had been followed up with a discussion about why we were upset. But it wasn't. We were sent to calm down and were only allowed to return onto the family when we were done with the emotion. This taught us that emotions are shameful or bother others and should be shut away. We need to isolate ourselves until we are done feeling our feeling and are ready to rejoin the family with a smile so we don't bother people. Which is what I did 8 years ago. And I haven't spoken to anyone in my family since. Which has been easy to do, since they have not come looking for me either. I guess we all decided it wasn't worth the discomfort. I wish my parents had supported me or encouraged me. Told me, even with the slightest sincerity that they thought I was capable or good at something.
I wish my parents had thought harder before having children, and healed their own stuff before popping out three miserable minis.
My mother did the same when I had 'temper tantrums'. Any expression of negative emotion in children was to be discouraged. Yet we were expected to be supportive of her when she got upset. Double standards. But thinking in depth about one's own readiness to be a parent was apparently not the norm back then.
At least you weren't whipped with a 2x4
I didn't have these things and I have a huge need for external validation to the point it drives people crazy. Working on this but it's not easy to overcome.
Food, shelter, clothing seems to be the only legal needs met.
We, the next generation, should do everything in our abilities to change the way our broken society works. Don't give up hope!
@@ems.master
I agree. But, someone needs to help us, too.
Do you know how many times I was told that as a kid? Like that I should be lucky those needs are met because for some kids they aren't? Or being told that at least I got food that wasn't just bread and butter because that would be enough to live off of? These videos have really helped me realize what I was missing
@@ems.masterYesssssss!!!!
I agree with everything you said but I think exposing children to diverse experiences is also important.
Parents shape children's assumptions about life, self, and others by exposing them to various activities, opinions, and educational opportunities, which influence their development up to their teenage years.
Please make a part 2 to this video. You’re videos have been very informative, insightful and so helpful to someone like myself who experienced 10 out of 10 of these issues on this list
Your video is so in-depth and comprehensive, thank you for what you do! There was so much my parents did wrong and they never realized it, and probably still don't. Neither understood emotions (one emotionally absent, one dismissive and argumentative) and my mom actually said to me as an adult, "I didn't want to encourage your feelings." All I learned was that I didn't want to be heard and my feelings were something terrible and wrong. And as a result, I was. I did alot of bottling, didn't develop a sense of self or self-worth and esteem, had no boundaries, overshared, run by fear and anxiety, and sought validation through accomplishment. It's been a long journey re-parenting myself where they failed. They aren't bad people, just ignorant.
Great video, here are a more things worth considering for your part 2 (although they are more or less extensions of some of the things from this video
1. When they do give you physical affection, it is about YOU, not about THEM. An emotionally unregulated parent can force affection and teach the child, either directly or indirectly, that it is shameful and mean to reject others' requests for physical affection and touch. Even when the forced affection isn't overtly sexual in nature, I feel like the resulting trauma symptoms can be similar to such abuse - hence why such parental behaviors can be referred to as "covert incest" or "emotional incest"
2. They protect you from being hurt by others, even when those others are members of the family unit. (I feel like this falls into your last point about unconditional love.) When a parent protects you from let's say, mean neighbors and school bullies, but they don't protect you from a parent/sibling/relative who is treating you poorly (or even go so far as to shame you for expecting an apology) they are teaching you that your right to safety and respect is conditional - depending on the person who is involved.
As someone who came from a very rageful family, it screwed me up until I dealt with my issues recently.
I didn't come from a conditional loved family, I got NO love no matter what I did, and I was/am really good at lots of things (naturally).
What my family did to me I would NEVER do to my own kids, ever!
Wow! This really hit home.
I already knew that I was emotionally neglected, but for years before I did, I sure did wonder what the heck was wrong with me!
From the outside looking in, most of these childhoods looked good. That was mine. I am an only child. I never wanted for anything material, but inside I felt all alone.
At 45, I STILL struggle internally. I’ve been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses and take 3 medications for it.
I’m also a Mom myself and I have a lot of guilt and shame for not being more UNLIKE my parents in my own parental abilities.
I have a good relationship these days with my parents. I love them both very much. They didn’t intend to hurt me or make my life more difficult. They didn’t know any better.
I used to carry more anger towards them than I do today. I still harbor some, but as an adult I can separate myself from their BS. I know how they are and how to navigate their sometimes unpleasant behaviors.
As kids we can’t do that. As kids it’s internalized.
What still hurts me to this day isn’t their past mistakes that can’t be changed, it’s the lack of acknowledgment that they screwed up, and were not in fact GREAT #1 PARENTS, but rather pretty shitty ones.
But I guess it’s silly to think that after 45 years, they are going to cop to their shortcomings. Was never a specialty of theirs and they certainly haven’t changed much over the years, so I doubt I’ll ever get that recognition.
It’s just hard, because I’m the opposite with my kids. I DO KNOW BETTER, but I still have a hard time regulating my emotions.
But I’m better about apologizing than my parents were, and I definitely feel like I acknowledge their emotions more.
Anyways, loved the video, love all you do Kati! Thank you!!!!❤️
Sometimes we walk so our kids can fly.
Hi Kati! I'm 17 and I'm from India. i've been your sub for a year now. The only reason I came on this channel is because of my Exams. here in India, You have to compete with 1.4 million students to get a spot at a good uni. And out of them only 100k can actually get any college, if at all. you can Imagine competition here. My classroom feels like a trap and a battlefield at same time. 4 students tried to kill themselves in past 2 months. Could you please make a video on handling stress and anxiety along with other things for us students in india? Mental health is not deemed "Basic Treatment" under Indian law, therefore no student could get any therapist without parents knowing. My exam is called JEE and there is even a Netflix series on this called "Kota Factory". I think that your contribution might actually save lives here!
Sorry to hear that! Wish you best of luck and s good 2024.
some insurance and/or state policies absolutely need to be changed ANYWHERE where mental health-related treatment is not coverec by insurance. Sending love and wishing you and your friends all the strength and love needed!
Yet another video where I'm a bit unsure of how much on the list fit me. Probably too much.
I definitely got my "big feelings" thrown back in my face and my inner sense of logic helped beat them down, for being "unreasonable". It's also a big warning sign that I was afraid to go to my parents (and step-parents) for help when I was stuck with big problems that grew over my head, because I was afraid of potential verbal/emotional abuse I guess (and a few times a slap from a frustrated mom).
Hurt people hurt people - break the cycle!
I had many of these issues growing up, with one parent being a narcissist and the other fed the other. They divorced when I was 14 and after I made my best choice, the other manipulated me to a worse choice.
I am now free from the narcissist and repairing the damage.
This is an excellent video. I feel like almost all of those my parents were not perfect in. Now I’m finally having to learn to navigate and work through my emotions. I honestly have been confused so much of my life due to gaslighting, invalidation, and not enough space and safety to work through my struggles. I didn’t really know what I needed but now I do and I’m finally giving it to myself. And dang it’s freeing!!! Thank you
I never had any emotional support from my parents and expressing negative emotions was not welcome. On top of that my mother was very critical. To her chors were prioritized over anything. And nothing was ever well enough done. Even if it was , I don't remember her saying thank you or any words of appreciation. Even in my adult life she continued to have that kind of attitude commanding me and telling me what to do.around her house. Instead of asking nicely if I could help or do things etc. I had to learn to put lots of boundaries, so she had to realise, she can't just give orders and expect my help without asking me politely. As she would do normally with anyone else.
To be honest, i think the majority of kids experience this stuff to some degree. Parents who had such parents themselves. I know there has been plenty of this in my family. This is partly why i get so frustrated at people who insist that kids need to be smacked to teach them respect. They clearly take nothing else into account which is far more important.
I've suffered lifelong anxiety, unable to form close relationships and can have trouble regulating emotions like anger. Something I regularly witnessed in my own parents too....My mum admitted to having been brought up with no affection and I know her mum had an awful mum herself that neither of them had anything good to say about. This can carry on for generations...won't go beyond me though as I chose to remain childless....
I tried having this conversation with my mother. Instead of “I’m sorry,” I got, “You are dead to me.” To my face. Haven’t spoken to her since.
I'm so sorry I know that hurts. But keep your head up God loves you and so do I❤
I had basically none of these growing up, and it explains so much.
Really thank you for the video. I love the examples. It makes me calmer to know my upbringing helped to mold who I am. I often feel so stupid because I can’t regulate or even understand my emotions. I can’t even name what is wrong with me, I don’t know why I’m anxious.
When there is frequent domestic violence happening, plus poverty, kids get squat, as in nothing. Food, a bed, a few second hand clothes, and constantly living in fear. This was my childhood.
My mother was big mama and back in the late 80's and 90's mental health wasn't a thing. I was diagnosed in 1998, mental retardation, now to SMI. Mother tried but love and affection, I never received. I received punishment and nonstop beatings until the day she died. I'm amazed my boyfriend loves me like he does because nobody else has EVER shown me love. I thought and still think I don't deserve it. 😢
7:22
Wait what?
That’s a thing? 😮
I was told that children are better seen and not heard. As a truth teller, it’s been a rough road. But I see now that I’ve been a puppet for their show.
Cutting the strings!
Thank you. It’s been refreshing to hear that I can still have my own life.
Thank you what a wonderful knowledge on how our childhood impacts our adulthood. I also been noticing our youth's today struggle with the family relationships.
Dad expected me to be an adult, I was between the ages of 5-11. He demanded that I jump when he barked. To read his mind. That wasn't possible, nor desirable. He's still a perfectionist. Totally unreasonable. He nitpicks at me, I'm never good enough, nor is anything I do, good enough. It is exhausting. I am not Kreskin, a mentalist. He's unrealistic and pushy. He doesn't like complaints(especially valid ones!), he shuts me down. It is condescending. He would get upset over small things, and ignore important things. Very confusing. He is still dictatorial. I am 60. I don't want his criticism/lectures/opinions(unasked for)!
Thank you for this video. It's really validating to see the many hidden examples of neglect, misattunement and disconnect. I'm 41, and have been actively reading and learning about childhood neglect (and dysfunctional family systems) for a couple years now. I'm also in attachment-focused trauma therapy, so things are moving. But, to so see what I intellectually know spelled out here with your specific examples (great idea by the way, they really help in making diffuse acts of neglect more identifiable) ...I was in tears. Oh, how it hurts to not having gotten such essential things. It hurts, and I see so many hurt people here, too. It's ...well. It's a lot.
This is straight up the supervision I'm looking for. Almost have half my supervised clinical hours, then planning on taking the exam in December!! Yay! Thanks for the great information.
Different with my father. he was almost just too neutral. he wouldn't even get angry at me when he probably should have.He wasn't terrible but he really didn't know how to be a father.
This video was fantastic. I really liked the examples of negative and positive interactions. This REALLY helped me understand how far from ideal my childhood was and what things I can ask for from people around me to help improve my environment while working on my internal portion of the work
Dear Kati, I dont know how to thank you for this video. Ive been working so hard on knowing what is children abuse from parents, but here you are talking about the exact opposite thing, which is not very common, and honestly, to me right now this video is like pure gold cause its gonna help me get a guide of what it is that i gotta give to myself in my healing journey. I do not know how to thank you, and YES, please, make the second part. Lots of love to you. ❤
hi very interesting video and yeah a part 2 will be nice. how are you Kati?
I had some intense emotions when I was growing up that I could not possibly have expressed, but my parents did pay for a year of psychiatric treatment at a mental hospital out of their own pocket, so I do believe that they gave their best shot at raising me to be happy, and in spite of acute mental illness, life isn't bad. I isolate a lot. I build walls between me and other people, but I half to do that to be able to focus on my writing. I need lots of solitude to stay in touch with my creative side.
Great video! But it makes me so sad because I didn't get any of those 10 things growing up, I've been in therapy since I was 18 (I'm in my 40's now) and is still so hard to heal for me. Maybe is because I'm doing it alone, I have no friends or partner to help me in this journey, the only kind of person I feel I can talk to is a therapist. I have Schizoid Personality Disorder is impossible for me to forme relationships. PS: Sorry if I made any English mistakes
I felt that the love I received from my parents were conditional if I made good grades, did all my chores correctly, said or did the right/ correct thing. I received mostly negative attention while growing up. I received no positive attention. I feel so out of sorts with people.
Thank you for this. I'm using this list to re-parent myself, as well as to become a better and more supportive parent for my twins. It's been a big hunting mission, trying to figure out what I've missed, because "you don't know what you don't know". But lists like this help a lot. Growing up, I think I had 0/10 being consistently given on the list, but through therapy and a lot of inner child work and introspection, I feel so much stronger. I appreciate your videos. ❣
Thank you for sharing this video. So consistency is something we get from our parents and without them we learn inconsistency and it's not a trauma respond
It’s heartbreaking to watch because it hurts to be reminded how your parents never really cared.
People pleaser’s is one side of it
Perfectionism is another side,
And in some exact opposite happens, they give damn to all relationships even closest.
Or they just go opposite of being perfect.
Great video.
So much what was said in this video hits deep... as a person in my 30's still stuggling to heal from feeling invalidate growing up and now trying to learn how to manage intense emotions or just communicate simple things that upset me, I know how important it is to feel understood, acknowledged but also taught with unconditional love.
I grew up in a insecure, angry, scared, and stressed out household in 1970. I was told act like my my sister. My sister was smart, jovial, chatty, and independent. I was not. I was a shy, deeply insecure, lonely, sick kid. I always had a cold, didn't enjoy school, was clumsy, had few friends, and always called the "other" daughter. My mother raised us to be "little" adults and was proud that we were tough, smart, independent kids who knew how to work, run a household, and knew the value of money. We learned to sort it out ourselves and didn't tell "mom" if there was a problem. We were thrust into my parents dysfunctinal marriage trying to solve their lives. My parents didn't believe in therapy and we were forced into picking sides most of the time. I am now 56 and now both my parents are dead. I do not have a relationship with my older sister. I do not how to reconcile the fact that my parents never knew me as an adult. It seems they only wanted to see that sick and lonely kid I once was. How do I let go of the resentment and not be so angry at my lot?
My parents were absolutely emotionally unavailable. I was born in the late 80s, and all my dad knew how to do was work and provide, hardly anything else. And I can assume my mom tried, but she was often checked out, probably from what I think was lack of support from my dad, because “women are supposed to care for the children and men work”.
Sigh…. My adulthood is wrought with insecurity. I can only think I gained so much emotional intelligence due to videos like these over the last decade. Seriously, I am 100% more emotionally intelligent than my parents. And guess what? I can guess most of us this way don’t want to have kids! Pretty much all of my friends I grew up with don’t have children. I think it’s because the world is getting a lot smarter, have higher expectations and don’t want to carry the heavy weight it is to grow a healthy human life.
Sadly my mom died when I was 25, so I didn’t even get to evolve who I am now with her. And my dad may not fully get what he didn’t do for me, even if he is a heartfelt person now. But it has all left me a person that deeply fears growth and being more.
They are lucky I turned out to be a good person, but also not an overly successful person because they thought I’d just figure everything out in my own despite what they did/ didn’t do.
All I want everyone to know is, I hear you, I validate you, but please try to keep your life together, because it’s not easy in the world.
Thank you so much for this video. I am in the process of reparenting myself and this is a great guideline for what I need to provide for myself.
Yes please, a part 2 would be great. I think 10/10 of these relate to my childhood. Absolutely no emotions were discussed or expressed other than anger, and many things were on condition. If i was ever listened to, it was probably shaming. A worse example recently was my half sister who wasn't happy that i couldn't do a favour for her, so she didnt reply to my Christmas message, and hasn't messaged me since.
Not only did my mother not validate my emotions, but she would take the teenage “I hate you” strong emotion expression to heart, and my teenage years were spent with a deranged mother who actually thought I hated her and acted accordingly. I am now 30 years old and she still holds this against me to this day.
Thanks for demonstrating positive examples- most videos only focus on the negatives. This helped me realize much more how problematic my childhood was, since I not always identify with the negative examples, but now realize that there were almost none of the positives. And without knowing how healthy parent-child interactions even look like it was hard to see that. Anyone knows more videos of this kind?
Thank you, Katie, for this very informative and helpful information. I am definitely resonating.
Thank you for this video Kati, really helpful.
Conditional love and acceptance has proven to be a double edged sword for my parents. I love excelling at sports and intellectual pursuits, I love the feeling of accomplishment and act of thinking or physically performing/practicing. In the flow state no-one else exists.
This is like a primer for what I experienced. lol Individuality was crushed, boundaries were not existent, respect was not present, no one was to be trusted, privacy was denied, and affection was not given. I got judgement, criticism, lectures, put downs, and insults. And of course love was conditional. 😆
So Kati - how do we fix it as adults?
I'm in my late forties and have been wondering how I can be so messed up at this age with as much therapy as I've had. Therapy currently feels so different than it felt 20 years ago.
Emotions were not validated but punished. More so me than my sister for some reason. She was allowed to be sensitive, I was not. My parents were big believers in "children were meant to be seen and not heard" as well as "if you want to cry, I'll give you a reason to cry." They did the best they could with the knowledge they had. Getting worked up about it now is pointless. I'm the one responsible for fixing whatever may be the result of their parenting style. C'est la vie!
So what should people do if they had exactly zero of these in their childhood growing up? Straight up, every negative example you provided was a fragment of both my parents on an average day.
This is fascinating. The only one of these I am confident my parents gave me was affection. I am also confident I didn't get any of these: emotional availability, boundaries, consistency, and communication.
A part 2 would be muchly appreciated, please and thank you!
100% love this video! Listening to it for a second time to really process it. Thank you!!
Feelings were always shamed (and thereby squashed) unless they matched their feelings. Still happens today.
Coming from super strict, controlling conservative and devout catholic christian parents...I can confirm that childhood neglect was a huge thing for me growing up. One of reasons as to why I am a very strong atheist now. "You need to just get over it..." or "Give all of your heartaches and pain, wants and needs to an invisible sky daddy...and he will take care of you!" IS NOT how you should be communicating to your child (or anyone for that matter). Most likely why now, as an adult in my mid 30's, I am struggling now feeling comfortable in my own skin. This stuff is very real soooo no one is truly alone in this world. I am having to relearn just how to feel and think and act on a daily basis. Best of luck to anybody else, who may very well still be trying to find or figure themselves out! Be kind to yourself. ☯️🖤🖤🖤☯️
Well, my parents did have boundaries...lots of them. Most of them I didn't know about until I violated one of them.
Hello, Kati. I love your videos because you are so clear and explain things so well. This will probably be a long post, and I don't expect you to read it to the end because I am unimportant in the world and don't deserve to be read. I am English and wonder if things are sometimes different in my country. I am also older (65), and how children are treated may change over time. My parents would not have recognised the term parenting. In their day, you had children. Being emotionally available would not have occurred to them. I was a very nervous and shy child, and I was acutely and painfully aware of the burden I presented to them. You may have the saying in America that children should be seen and not heard. Not being heard means more than not being noisy - it means you don't have a voice and you are not as important as adults. The thing is, looking back, I can see how they felt. My mum and dad were anxious, and I added to their anxiety. The upshot was that I never quite developed an independent sense of self or became an independent adult. Perhaps there is a diagnosis that I never received. All of this is said without self-pity by the way. I don't want you to think that I am not OK in life. It did mean that becoming an adult was difficult for me. I wasn't able to have an adult relationship until later in life ( I hadn't had a girlfriend or any intimate or sexual experience until I was 36). I had written myself off as inadequate and unappealing. I don't really know why I am writing all this to a stranger who is a whole Atlantic ocean away. I just want to let you know that your work is important and reaches people who need your videos all over the world. Best wishes, Jerry x
This baby blue colour looks amazing on you! 🩵
I remember being at home sick, couldn’t go to school, about 7 years old, I got I bit of an appetite back, asked my dad (he was unemployed and slept all day) if he would heat up some leftovers for me. And his response was “I am gunna take care of ME first. THEN you!” As he made himself food.
I always missed all this 10 things. All my live..... How sad. Very sad. 😭
My dad and mom were kind of just absent, but I would consider my stepmom 100% emotionally abusive. There are some things I needed like leg exercises to fix a growth deformity, but she didn't handle it like a good parent would. Instead, she pushed me to the extremes the first couple times instead of letting me adjust, so think about a newcomer going to the gym and trying to lift 150 lb weights, except your trainer won't let you back down despite you being not ready for that much. That's not the worst part though, it was that she was inconsistent with the exercises. We started off hardcore, but we got to a point where she wouldn't make me do them unless she was having a bad day at work. I'm not even including how perfect my grades had to be in school. After she left our lives, everything changed and my dad became kind of toxic. He would constantly put fear into me about how I would live if he was gone, but he didn't actually take the time to prepare me, so all I could do was sit in fear and self-loathing.
I have struggled with almost all symptoms you mentioned. Unfortunately I went through all my life not knowing why I had issues with socializing, communication, and emotions.
My Mom was consistent, and she loved us unconditionally (score 2/10). I will say, I think she loved me more unconditionally than my bro.
She worked herself hard to take care of us. She provided more reliably than the sunrise.
My parents definitely made no room for feeling big emotions. My dad squashed and shamed 50/50, my mom pretty much just shamed. I can’t recall a single time from childhood where any adult made room for big feelings. I’m 27 and still learning.
Most, if not all, neuroses can be boiled down to intergenerational trauma.
There was a time when children were nothing more than the economic props of a family because they could be put to work on farms, factories, and mines. The average child was not expected to develop any emotional maturity because there was no economic value to that. These children then grow up traumatized and they perpetuate their trauma with their own children, and so on and so forth.
We now place immense value on emotional maturity for the same reason - it has huge economic value. A person who cannot regulate their emotions, cannot set boundaries, and cannot articulate their feelings, cannot remain competitive in a highly intellectual modern-day workforce. Again, this is not the case in developing countries that are primarily agricultural or industrial. This only applies to primarily service economies which is what most developed nations have moved on to. More and more manual labor and manufacturing jobs are now replaced by machines, which have ZERO emotional capacity by the way, thus making them the perfect worker. Humans need to develop emotional and social skills to contribute to other parts of the economy but this is proving somewhat of a difficult adjustment.
Our parents came from a generation where emotional development is not only stunted but actively discouraged. The terrifying thing is that we are actually regressing by putting our children on social media and iPads. In the past, children avoid emotional growth by working. That way, they can contribute to the family income. Today, children do the same by watching mindless videos on social media and playing games on iPads. That way, they don't demand as much attention from parents which reduces their capacity to work hence reducing the family's income.
My daughter tells me she hates me every day. She is AuDHD. I tell her, "Let's talk about that when you're calm." She never remembers that she said it. Is it really true or not? I'm not present with my kids as much as I want to be. I have a house to maintain in a livable condition and two special needs kids as well as a 2 year old. My husband has severe ADD, and is never present with anyone or anything for more than five minutes at a time. I'd like to know how low income parents can be present for their kids when they can't feed them without working 2 jobs. I want to know, because I'd like to do it too. Not being able to be there for my kids as much as I want to makes me feel horrible. I'm sure it feels bad to them, too. I try to explain, but they don't really care. They want what they want. I don't know how to do this. Some parents might be too busy on their phones. I'm too busy taking care of my kids. I have no life outside that. I'm told that's not healthy. I can't do what everyone wants. They're mutually exclusive. There’s not enough hours in the day. I feel depressed and overwhelmed. How do you do this? I want to, but I can't seem to make it work. What am I missing? I don't want my kids to feel like I did when I was little. I want to do better. I wish my parents hadn't refused to acknowledge us when we weren't happy. I wish they'd taught us that all feelings are normal and ok. Unconditional love is something I got from dad, but not mom. Thank goodness I had it a little. But he was always working to overcome my mom's spending problem. He died when I was a teen of stress. I took over taking care of my siblings because mom got really sick. I've always been taking care of people. You'd think I'd know what I was doing by now. Somehow, I still can't make it work. I don't get how other people make this work, and I can't. This is probably not a helpful response. I'm sorry. I wish I had something constructive to say.
Good Lord! I didn't get any of these things. Neither did my 4 brothers & sisters. The eldest is certifiable. 😔 Being the middle child and having the affection of the father I'm not as poorly off as my elder sister but I am not normal by any stretch and there is not enough time in the world for me to heal. At the age of 67 I felt, for the first time, true happiness. This is a real feeling of contentment
I have an emotionally unavailable parent. We got into a fight recently and she called me manipulative. She also accused me of playing the victim(which she has before). She is inconsistent because she also called me the little engine that could because I never give up. I don't know how she actually feels about me, but I only think it's positive when I make her long or feel good. If I have feelings and thoughts she doesn't like then I am the victim and manipulative. I understand my mom didn't have a great childhood and that's the reasons for her problems, but she never is wrong or takes accountability. She also never gets any type of mental help. I am in therapy and will take medication if needed. When she started screaming that I was threatening her after I asked for respect, it was time for it to end.
I agree with your video. I guess it is easier to look back 20 years with the knowledge and understanding that we have today and judge. This generation is lucky to have all this info, but I wonder if 20 years from now they too will be judged. Hindsight is always 20/20
I feel a strange compulsion to laugh as this went along as in “haha right, parents do these things?” Got none of these things unfortunately and I feel that I raised myself and went through everything alone. Child of the 70s and 80s here. I am happy this information is much more accessible now.