6 reasons it’s hard to ask for what you want…
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- Опубликовано: 27 апр 2024
- Is it hard for you to ask for help or for what you want or need in your life? You're not alone in this. I think many of us struggle with this, and the truth is much of it may come down to your childhood upbringing. Perhaps you have childhood emotional neglect, or there were family dynamics that created unhealthy communication or patterns for you in adulthood. Asking for what we want or need, or asking for help, is a hard thing for us to lean into. The first part in healing and getting through the inability to ask for help is understanding why we are unable to ask for what we need or want. There may also be stigma that you think makes you needy or too codependent in your relationships. Or perhaps you have fear of rejection so you're unable to ask for that raise or promotion you want or need. Or maybe it's hard for you to ask your significant other or friends for what you need or want. Let's dive into the 6 reasons it's hard for us to ask for what we want in life and relationships, and then what we can do from there -- diving into healthy and effective communication tips and tricks and next steps (at the end of the video, so make sure to stick around!).
Other videos you might find helpful:
Too needy? Anxious attachment? This video may help you: • Too needy? Anxious att...
How to ask for help without feeling needy: • How To Ask for Help Wi...
How people pleasing is hurting you: • How People Pleasing Ca...
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Is people pleasing hurting you? Hear my story: ruclips.net/video/KKhFxnTlgtE/видео.htmlsi=v1kvdLaPl7ZDkWtd
People pleasing costed me $8,500 bucks. Because of how screwed up and behind on the times, I am.
Of course. But I'm learning to navigate through it.
Yes
I feel hurt that I try so hard. I have come to the conclusion that I train people how to treat me. I've people pleased for so long that my family becomes angry when I try to change it. I am 50 now, and tired of being this way. I resent them for expecting so much and not recognizing what I might need. I don't know what I need and therefore unable to put it into words. I feel like I am constantly trying to prove that I am worthy. 😢
I always feel like I'm bothering someone if I need something. I have to thank my parents for that.
Always remind yourself: How would you react to that request? Would you do it for that specific person? Then it is usually safe to ask (and if not: It is good to know that you can't rely on them and move on).
:( Stay strong. ❤
I found that if I asked for something I was less likely to get it, or if I refused it, I was more likely to get it. That does happen a lot, and it happened to me at home.
People subjected to this start playing games by dropping hints or saying the opposite of what they want and don't want assuming everyone is contrary. When the English teacher asked a classmate if he could read out her essay to the class as he liked it, she agreed. Then she got upset that he did that. I couldn't understand her as she had agreed. He wasn't a mind reader and wasn't being contrary. She assumed that he would be contrary and not read it out after she agreed to it being read out. She had learned to play mind games at home and expect other people to be mind readers just as she had to learn to read their minds and anticipate their needs. There is the saying "I asks, doesn't gets."
Then, a counsellor told me to go ahead and make requests and refusals and if the other person was contrary, walk away from them. Some people are decent and will listen to you, and we don't find these people unless we speak up.
I'm the same way, I have issues asking for help if I'm in a store, it makes my chest get all tight. Thanks for mom and dad! FFS!
@@FriendlyNeighborhoodUnclePete I feel you, Buddy. Hang in there.💖
I struggle with asking for ANYTHING because growing up, my mother weaponizes them against me. She still does. That’s the main reason for my fear of asking. My feelings were often dismissed and invalidated, I was mostly told I was being selfish if I asked for things.
Right there w you. 🙌🏾
Oooooooh... my xx chromosome donor, from an early age, would point out random things and ask if it was something I wanted. God forbid I said yes. It'd only trigger the punch line; "Well, how does it feel to want?" And, then we'd leave... I'm 42 now, and still very much in therapy.
@@FLEXNIVORE worst feeling ever! 😔
@@kimicappiello5480 I’m so sorry 😞
@shayshaymann113 is okay, I cut her out of my life almost a decade ago. Therapy helps, but she is still a narcissist, and that's not something that I can change.
🖤🐈⬛🖤
I was raised to not bother my parents for anything. It was always about putting my parents first!
This this this I had three pairs I'm not doing it anymore I always felt like the half off kid for sale rack was me numerous times which got me in fist fights with grown men field trip baseball something and another time for saying go do something with Jesus so I'm with the parents are always right ....maybe on another planet .True my circumstances were not everyone's but now I don't trust adults.. therapy is offered with children though wtf am I supposed too do now ?Im fifty years old exceptionally immature in a society that really isn't mature itself ...I will say this I do express my needs some xs people get in the way shit happens .This therapist?It's like looking at vanilla cupcakes I've had three of these they weren't that different.
Snap!
@@areuarealman7269I used to think I was adopted, since I couldn't believe parents would treat kids the way my parents treated us kids. We were an inconvenience to them. I was born a twin and my parents never forgave us for that, since they were not expecting to have another kid. They held it aginst us for my whole life.
Same here. They weren’t around that much and when they were, they didn’t want to be with me or listen to me.
I was repeatedly told by my mom "don't feel that way" "that's not how things are" "don't think that way" and when my grandpa died when I was 6 my mom told me it wasn't okay for me to cry and be so sad because it was my dad's dad and I needed to think about what my dad was going through.
At 54 almost 55 I am just working on processing all this and learning about feelings, how they feel, and what's legitimate.
I relate very strongly to your experience ...our awareness and desire to understand and grow are our strengths....our mothers didn’t have the awareness or any consideration of the impact of their behaviour on us....we're not them .
As a child I was not validated, at all. I was not permitted to take space, to feel I mattered, I was a human shield for my mom against my dad. I felt very much alone, not supported and was continually belittled. So I don't count on anyone, I sort my stuff out on my own, I don't ask for help, I can spend hours in my own head space, I'm a control freak from having had to manage on my own
7:10 “Toxic independence.” That rings true. Thanks for introducing that term - very useful in understanding myself and others.
I struggle with this, part of it, is my fear of rejection. Since I was raised to not ask for anything at all. When I would ask for something, it would always be a "NO!". Hell for my 15th birthday, I asked my parents what I got, and my dad told me " I let you live another year" So asking for anything is very difficult.
I am so sorry you were raised to not ask for anything at all.. you deserve to have people in your life who listen to you and want to offer you kindess and support. xoxo
i struggle with fear of rejection, it's pretty lonely and stressful because if we don't ASK for what we want, people will not DO what we want them to do.. we live a fake life!.
Prayers to everyone struggling with this ... 🙏 🙏 🙏
That's so cruel...sorry about that.
My apologies I didn’t mean to post what I did as a reply. I’m sorry your parents did that, it’s horrible.
I have all of these feelings. I don’t ask anyone for anything. If I can’t provide what I need for myself I don’t have it. To have someone available for emotional support seems like a luxury I can't afford. I often feel like I am too needy but it's not like anyone is actuality burdened by it. Having an extremely narcissistic wife for 27 years certainly didn’t help. Thank you Katy for this channel and sharing your wisdom.❤
OMG. 27 years of abuse and manipulation. Hope you’re out of that hell. Move on with patience with yourself.
@@StKrane it wasn't easy but I am free and have no contact. Thank you.
Patmurphy: there is definitely no shame in any of these feelings at all. Hoping things get better for you man. Blessings 🙏
Seriously? Same!
I can not be emotionally neglected, except by myself. I have no friends, no girlfriend. But, this is done by design. Now, it is impossible to ever be used, betrayed, abandoned, neglected, nor lied to because there is nobody there to do so. Humans do not realise just how vulnerable they are when they are with friends or a mate. I learned my painful lesson. I will never seek amicable nor amorous companionship ever again. The risks are far too high for a benefit that is far too small. I can emotionally neglect myself. No outside interference is needed, nor desired.
I can seriously relate to this
I struggle with asking for help or assistance. It makes me feel embarrassed and in cases as “weak” or unintelligent or just simply insufficient. It’s an awful and crippling feeling. As a result I may do half-ass tasks, poor execution or just simply unfinished tasks. This still affects me on a daily, specially at work. Constantly “under performing”. It’s scary and stressful. 😣 I’ve been told since childhood that I’m a “know it all” but only if they knew that it’s the total opposite… I struggle with being honest and admit that I don’t know something or lack the ability of knowing something, just so that I’m not seen as “dumb” slow or unintelligent. That’s all.
FLEX: it's been like that for me for many years too - and sometimes still struggle with it - and it drives me crazy. But I have to say that in recent memory, I've gotten better with learning how to ask for help and not being afraid of being let down. I have also received encouragement and praise from close friends and family for polishing what has been a shortcoming of mine for many years, and as somebody who is ASD (or aspergers spectrum), I'm sure you can probably relate with that a little (I'm assuming you're aware of it). Anyways though, like any other characteristic; we should never be afraid to ask for help no matter how ridiculous it might seem - but there can certainly be a time and place for it as well. And I've always believed that when we help others in need - it will boost wellbeing (boosting dopamine and Oxytocin levels) in terms of accomplishment and turning another's day from a so-so to a good day by way of doing something (like maybe helping an elderly person cross the street), among other deeds. In that regard, kindness and not being afraid to ask for help is such a real world phenomenon that needs more attention and should not be taken for granted - and studied upon even further as I believe we're still figuring out what the perfect definition for it is.
It's hard because I have never had anyone to ask. And I still don't have anyone.
I was never asked my opinion. My father once said, "Who do you think you are!" It was quite clear I was nobody.
When I asked my mom to teach me to sew, she refused. When I asked her why, she only said, "You know how you are." ????? I did not have a clue "how I was."
When you are never asked how your day was or how you were dealing with your dad's death, you don't know you have needs that matter. You don't ask because you don't know you could.
Even worse, Aunt and Uncle do ask how your day was and give you healthy attention. Then Uncle fondles you behind Aunts back. I was old enough to know it wasn’t ok and ran away.
@@elsagrace3893 I wish something blatant had clued me in and I could have gotten help instead of living in pain and not understanding why.
I struggle with everything. Growing up in my house my coping mechanism was to fade away, be invisible, do not stick out, or you will be yelled at. Later I didn't know how to express my feelings and emotions or concerns so I was a human doormat and people pleaser because I wanted to help everyone more than people helped me. At the same time I never asked for anything or any help. I work on it. No more people pleasing and I ask sometimes for help if it is a last resort and emergency 😅😊Thank you for highlighting it so clear.
I was taught as a young lad that I could NEVER have what I want because I didn't deserve it. My mother made it clear before she died that I would receive tough love because of how my deadbeat daddy was. She beat me so much, so long and so hard, when I was a kid, I just became compliant until I was 22. Now I'm 35 and I'm a screwed up individual. 😢
Google ACA group. It’s helping me
I have had to leave certain groups on Facebook because if the glorification of being beaten by parents as a child and worse implements were used instead of just a bare hand. I tried reporting them to Facebook community standards for violent content to no avail. It's not mentally healthy to stay in these groups even if you and others speak up against it.
I'm so sorry for what you went through!
I felt like a burden as a kid, so I feel no matter what I want it feels too big to ask for.
I struggle a lot with the fact that I know how I remember my childhood, the things that happened, the things I felt, the way things that were not there or lacking, but I when I ask questions about the things I remember, how I remember and the perception my mother always tells me they were not like that, matter fact she always paints perfection on all the things I perceived. I struggle a lot with this because I feel as if my perception and my reality continuously gets invalidated, to the point that it makes me question myself. It's incredible that I still struggle with that invalidation and it is so hard upon me that I do not trust myself.
I’ve been invalidated and ignored A LOT when growing up, and now as an adult too of course. My family doesn’t respect me, but I’m disabled (asd) so I’ve got no choice but to live with them for now. But of course they aren’t all bad, and are nice in some ways.
I’m living with mine as well due to a disability. I think we or I have to take the good with the bad, and I am forced to learn to put up boundaries. I agree with you, it’s not all bad. It’s lonely though, because of few friends
I said yes to all your questions. Thank you for doing something on emotional neglect. If emotional attention were food, I'm starving.
My dad was an alcoholic. I don’t remember ever having a conversation with him or feeling love from him. As a result I developed trichotillomania at age 11. My mother took me to a dermatologist (??) who gave me vitamin B shots but she never asked me if I was anxious or stressed. So it was shoved under the rug. This was in the 60’s and not openly talked about. I’ve had 2 failed marriages and suffer from autoimmune disease. I wonder how much of it is buried emotions. I hate to ask for anything. I might muster up the courage but I talk myself out of it thinking, they can’t give me that or it sounds stupid to ask. So this sounds like me.
😭 I WANTED TO BE AN ASTRONAUT! And when I told my mom when I was 6 years old, she felt the need to tell me that very few people ever achieve that dream, and that astronauts are usually “smaller” (she meant thin) adults. I was a little chunky then. So not only did she kill my dream, she also body shamed me.
I was emotionally abandoned by literally everyone in my family when I was a kid. I just needed attention, love, and validation. I’m convinced I now have borderline personality disorder. I still have issues at 46 years old. I hate asking for what I need for fear of being a burden, or fear of people thinking I’m too much to deal with, and therefore they will abandon me.
I was told
"Don't ask for anything. Don't expect anything. Take what you're given"
While it was also about her own story, it taught me to never ask for anything I needed, and never NEVER what I wanted. Meanwhile my (younger) siblings never had those limits put on them. I was the eldest and the carer for the younger ones and my mother too.
I feel as though as a 40 year old woman that I should be able to handle things on my own. I know that if I ask for help, as I did as a child, my requests would be rejected and thrown back in my face. I would be ridiculed or told to GET OVER IT. So I stopped asking for help from my family or my ex spouse, who were the only people I was allowed to have in my life.
Now that I am working through my childhood trauma and all that awful stuff, I have friends again. I am able to tell them how I'm feeling or what's wrong, and if they don't completely understand, they are aware of my struggles. I can ask my friends for help, and, though it terrifies me to ask, I'm more stunned that they DO help. Asking gets easier. Of course, I am still hyper individualistic and self reliant, but I am finally recognizing when to ask for help instead of taking on everything by myself and becoming overwhelmed.
Thanks, Kati!
"Sarah's" story is my own. I definitely feel I cope using toxic independence, especially as the work I do encourages it, and exploits it.
I ended up parenting my Mum after her Mum passed away when I was 12.5yrs old. She also always pandered to my narsisitic Step Dad when he was there, then bitched about him endlessly behind his back to me. As for asking for anything or relying on her for anything, or having big emotions near her - forget it - I'd be making her feel worse. I've developed a very flat affect as an adults, and outside of work roles that I feel I have to play act doing, I just avoid interactions now - too much anxiety about getting it right and not being a bother to others.
It's a lonley life tbh, I used to cope with it better having a pet but now the rental market is so bad that I'd be unlikely to get a new sharehouse if I had to move on again if I had a pet too.
This episode has hit hard, but I think it was the mirror I needed.
I feel ashamed because I can relate to everything explained in this video. I was raised a Jehovah's witness where there definitely was and is conditional love. A friend of the family became my care taker because my mom and dad were to tired to watch me and play with me. Unfortunately he turned out to be a predator and I was molested. This went on until finally my mom banished him from the house. I didn't understand because I was so young and he was my best friend. Soon after he committed suicide. The only thing that my mom said to me is that he'll be resurrected in paradise. Nobody in my family consoled me, ever. I brought this up to my mom recently and she turned it around on me and said I should be over it. Anyway sorry for the long post. Hopefully sharing this will help someone that's been through a similar experience. Thank you for making these videos, they help a lot❤
My dad was emotionally unavailable because of work (and his what I know is generational trauma). My brother moved away when I was a very young age and basically dropped all contact to my parents and me. My mom emotionally neglected me and emotionally abused me.
I wasn't allowed to show "bad" emotions, only "be happy and smile". So I learned how to mask my emotions.
When I started talking about how bad I feel mentally, my mom always ended up talking about how bad *her* life was and how she didn't end up with depression so I "should quit that bullshit".
That all and some other traumas resulted in me having (quiet) BPD. The people I told this all said "I did not except that you have it" because I never show my true emotions. I rather suffer in silent than telling someone about my emotions; it's almost my (unhealthy) pride at this point to mask my emotions.
My mother did that as my father demanded a lot of attention from her, leaving her emotionally drained so she didn't have much energy left over for us.
Thank you Kati. Your videos are so on point. This was 100% my childhood and where I am now. My mum is 86 and she still uses “emotional blackmail” (as we call it) to make herself the victim. Therapy is helping get through this, ignore her tantrums and manipulation and understand the why, but your videos are a huge part of that therapy and so helpful ❤
I learnt at a very early age that I couldn't discuss any personal or emotional issue with my mother ....She would frequently say not to be ridiculous , of course you don't feel / think / need that. . On the rare occasion when I had to ask her to do something for me , she would say that she would think about it , or she'll try. Of course , I learnt that she would never follow through . As an adult, I still struggle to ask for help . I had no idea what my needs were as a child or how to express them. I have always put other peoples needs before my own. ... When Katy mentioned about feeling that it's rude to ask for anything, I related very strongly ..... I surprised myself as I just realised that I still think that, and I'm 68 years old...well ,I'll have to keep working on it
My mom always said from my childhood to this day that I'm being sensitive and I acknowledge that I am sensitive person. And when I was younger she would say this too "You're just sensitive, harden yourself". And I remember this one time when I was maybe 11-12 years old and I was being moody or angry about something and she said to me "don't sulk". No why I was angry or would I want to talk about it, just stop being that way. And if I ever would talk to my mom about being bullied at school (I'm 27 right now) she would always say it isn't as bad as my brother had it and that was usually it. And yeah I know my brother most defiantly didn't have an easy time at school but still I would have wanted some compassion and empathy that her younger child is also bullied. One example is this - in a elementary school my bullies gossiped about me because my puberty hit earlier than theirs - my whole classroom knew about it and they had a code word to it so they would say it and laugh at me. My moms response to that was just they're just children, their parents didn't raise them right and when I was older I would see how stupid that whole thing was. She was not supporting me at all or being emphatic. And when I was in high school and borrowed one book from my friend at the time, it was about depression. She asked me about it and I told her that I thought I was depressed and she said to me "You can't be, you're just imagining it, everything is fine in our family". Also side note I'm not depressed anymore.
I could go on and on. Sometimes it's hard to acknowledge that I have been emotionally neglected... or that is my own-self diagnose of it. And I have life traps because of that too (and from my ex-friends who were little toxic), my feelings most of time feel like they're behind some kind of mist or something. And yeah I know and have known maaany years that my family is a little problematic but when I really think about it I feel angry, bitter, sad and little uncertain and so tired of it all. And just sigh... I still love my mom and I know she tried her best but it wasn't good enough and she can be a hard person be around... and I'm too used to please people because it felt easier to do or that way I would avoid conflict that I was so scared of. I don't have this problem anymore with my friends (or very very rarely) but with my family I have this (not with my dad). But thank god that I go to therapy right now and it is really helping and I get to know myself better and progress all this shit so hopefully someday I can let go. Also Kati is a life saver too, thank you! ❤
I identify with ALL of those dynamics. My parents were emotionally unavailable. My dad didn't treat me bad unless I'd done something I shouldn't have, and even then he was still understanding towards me. However, he kicked me out of his life when I was 12. That abandonment broke my heart. My mother did the rest. Anytime I went to her for something, this was shot down. She wouldn't let me express how I felt or what I thought, or what I needed. Time and time again, I wasn't allowed to. I was yelled at for speaking, for looking at her, for not doing something... So long story short, I identify with everything you said. I'm an adult now, and I really struggle with boundaries and with the most basic forms of communication. I definitely can't ask for what I need. It makes sense why I'm the way I am, but I wish I knew how to break out of this. I'm seeing a therapist and it helps, but it's a gradual kind of help. It doesn't feel like enough support sometimes and I fall back into the same patterns. Someday, I'll get to where I need to be. I want to be a better parent than my mom was. I want to be kind, understanding, and open, but sometimes, the harshness of life makes this very challenging. I can never express how I feel. It lead to traumatic experiences that could have been avoided, and... yeah. My mom messed me up big time but I forgive her for that. I still love her. She was abused way more than she hurt me. So I want to be the one to break that cycle.
Sometimes u reach the stage where ur feeling are numb died b4 ur body will
Wow,didn’t realize how badly I needed this video. I’ve been struggling with this recently. Instead I have been keeping everything in,which obviously makes everything worse,all because I didn’t wanna be a burden to anyone else. Every time I have expressed my feelings,they don’t feel valid and it’s almost embarrassing to me to let them out anymore. I need to realize what I want in order to understand my own thoughts and feelings. Huge wake up call. Thank you so much Kati. Life saver.
I'm somewhat on the same boat with this as well - and always remember that your feelings are valid - and those that respect that and understand that are genuine people that care about you ;)
Hey Kati,
I just wanted to say that I really like the visuals and "example people" you use in your videos! Having a realistic situation connected to the reasons helps a lot to understand how this point shows itself in life and where it comes from. Also, the visuals help staying concentrated even if a video is a bit longer. :)
I haven’t told my dad yet that I left my job. I just dread being criticized.
I had a double whammy with my parents. I was emotionally abused by my dad and emotionally neglected by my mom. So I can relate to a lot of the situations you shared.
I find myself having difficulty asking for what I need because of fear of their reaction. My mom has bipolar and my dad has anger issues so asking for anything could have a wide range of reactions including being screamed at, shamed, etc. i grew up to be super independent and having to “practice” (being open to being vulnerable) asking people for help and I’ve had very very good friends to practice on who have been open to helping me or at the very least having a less intense response. I’ve estranged from my family because no one should be treated like that.
I identify with everything in that video.
I feel needy and selfish when I have needs, but when I don't care about something, then they wan't me to decide, but I don't care and suddenly I'm indecisive. So, I always have to care about things, I have no interest in and neglect what I want.
It got so difficult for me, that I struggle to accept anything when people offer me something.
At some point I accepted the role as "leader", but do it right. The leader might eats last, but he eats. He first looks out for others, but when he can't look out for himself, he sets a bad example for his team. And so on.
It's good for now, but I want to get better in all of that until I have children. I want to be a good dad. But my CPTSD and depression make relationships difficult. I will get better!
8:49 am if I cried my father said that he would give me something to cry about.
Ugh I am so sorry :( xoxo
As the scapegoat child of a narcisistic family system, I became so accustomed to having my feelings ignored/invalidated and being manipulated, it was all I knew.
Add a heavy dose of generational trauma into the mix and I wonder if I am sane!
When I was 13, the long-standing family feud between my father and his siblings blew up yet again. On this occasion my golden-child brother was accused of teasing his cousin, who was in the same year at school, and of encouraging his friends to name-call. Whether my brother actually did any of this or not is immaterial (although I suspect her probably was guilty).
The resulting argument between my parents and my uncle and aunt was that the 2 families would no longer have anything to do with each other, and we were no longer allowed to talk to our cousins. That was always going to be problematic since the 4 children in each family were all at school together and had pretty much the same friend groups.
The cousin who was in my class took great delight in creating hell for me.
She not only had me ostracised from the group of girls I thought we our mutual friends, but she and my former friends then bullied anyone else who tried to befriend me.
I had to change locker 3 times in the first tem, because it was frequently broken in to and books/PE kit/homework stolen/destroyed.
Girl bullying is exceptionally nasty and under the radar, and can be very creative.
I had an awful time at school for the next 6 years, the school wouldn't deal with the bullying because they saw it as 2 cousins fighting but they didn't call either of our parents to deal with it.
The girls realised that if they bullied anyone else, the school took action, but if they bullied me that nothing would happen, so their bullying was relentless.
My mother's reaction???
Why are you associating with your cousin? You're not supposed to have anything to do with her! You've brought this on your self! It's all your own fault. You aren't really being bullied. It's not that bad. Why are you complaining. What do you expect me to do about it. You're old enough to fight your own battles. It's not happening and you're making it all up for attention. Why can't you be more like your sister.
Her gaslighting game was epic!
I was only 13 when it started. My formative years at high school.
I left school at 18y with no friends.
I still struggle to make friends and accept that I might actually be a nice person.
I'm horribly suspicious when I meet new people. How are they going to hurt me? Why do they want to talk to me? What do they want?
I'm working in therapy to learn to accept that none of this was my fault, but it's hard work when you've had no self esteem for years.
#3 for me. I’m realizing how much this affected me. I don’t even know how to ask for anything I need. I just push it down. Thanks for the video.
I just feel terror and that terror and exacerbation of it by voicing my needs is far worse than just not having the need. That feels much safer.
I relate to this, unfortunately. Do you have social anxiety by any chance? I had really bad social anxiety since childhood and could never ask directly for what I want. Even now it feels scary to think about "what I want in life" because of the fear that it's somehow WRONG. Can't even figure out what might've caused this as I had a generally good childhood and my mom gave me plenty of love and validation.
Yes but social anxiety mostly because of general hypervigilance. I'm so busy watching out that it's hard to focus on others and it feels safer to not.
I think I have grown up confused about my emotions because while one Parent choose to validate my emotions, my other Parent had a hard time acknowledging their own.
I've also struggled with feeling heard or asking for help because growing up, I have had learning disabilities associated with the heart condition I was born with as a child.
This was especially frustrating for me and my Family because we didn't learn anything about my learning disabilities until I was in junior high school. So even when I was paying attention in class and getting along with my teacher and peers in the classroom, by the time I got home, I couldn't remember the specifics of an assignment, due to short-term memory issues.
Thank you again for sharing this information so I can become more aware about myself and I can hopefully use these tools to help me in my journey. ❤
Kati you hit the nail on the head with the lack of emotional availability. My family and I lost my father at a young age and my mother had and still does have a hard time processing that loss so she had little to no emotionally availability. So I was forced to grow up fast and cared for my mom and my older sister despite being the younger one I had eldest sibling syndrome. Even as an adult this dynamic still plays out and I am hyper independent. A lot of this video resonates with me. Same with the conditional love a lot of my moms attention and affection was geared towards getting good grades and following rules.
Genuinely I deeply relate to all of this.
Goes too far (and I'm too tired honestly) to go into too many details. My mother had BPD, my father was uninvested, both had alcohol issues.
Feeling were not valid, allowed or safe to have.
I was constantly walking on eggshells.
And at the same time felt that my mother's wellbeing was my duty. I really was parentified to a certain degree.
Love was terribly conditional. And pretty one-dimensional too: good grades. They were the center of my childhood. I felt reduced to the numbers written on some stupid piece of paper.
My mental (and physical. I have chronified ED) is such a mess that I had to go into invalidity pension at only mid 30ies.
Anger though is special. In fact this emotion particularly was so shamed and at the same time I witnessed fierce anger outbursts from my parents and sister that I sort of brainwashed myself to never ever be like that.
I struggle very badly to ask for anything. I don't even know what I want oftentimes. Or what my emotions are. Or if they are allowed. Allways questioning my own thoughts and feelings. It's utterly exhausting. But it does not even matter in the end. I am not allowed to want or feel or let alone to be needy.
I am convinced to be the fault. I can never be enough. Whatever is, I deserve it...
I genuinely feel like that. EVen my psych, which helped me a lot, could not lead me challenge that axiom in more than a decade. It's just too core of what I am.
So I think it's nice of people telling me otherwise, but I can't be convinced.
Sorry for the long comment after all.
And thanks for your videos. I'm sure they can help reach many people who can profit from their message.
Wow...this is extremely relatable. And I've been through similar situations but maybe not quite to the extent that you have - but I'm sorry that you had to deal with all of this misfortune and always know that your feelings are valid. Prayers and blessings to you 🙏
I live with my husband for 6 years now and since I do, I am learning so much. How much my parents did not raise me with love, attunement, affection, encouragement, allowing of everyone being themselves, etc. Hubby is from a loving household. I am not. The first times when I hardly spoke up about not even something big I was taken seriously in all of a sudden and that was so new and uncomfortable. Going from those small things to really big feelings over time making me a lot more content with who I am... I am able to smile, to just smile... about nothing in particular. Everyone should be feeling like they can ask for enything the need. All these things talked above in this video are so familiar to me! I am so glad I get to experience different now! My hubby is a keeper
Well that reminded me of when I didn't get a role in a school play and I was sad and disappointed, when I went to my theater-loving community actor Dad about it his response was to add shame to the mix by saying "you'd think a kid of mine would have gotten the role".
As an adult I realize he has always hated himself for never becoming a professional actor so he projected it onto me, and unfortunately that did have the effect of me also never chasing that dream. I also now realize that I actually was probably the most deserving candidate for the role with my acting experience outside of school but that my disruptive behavior in school is why they chose a calm obedient child for the role. This is ironic because my behavior was due to the ADHD I inherited from my father. Which is probably why he failed to achieve his own goals.
This video is so interesting!!!! As I'm in my first ever relationship at 20 years old, I've discovered my problems with communication and asking for things that I want/need. I wish I knew why, or where it came from since I don't remember any of the possible reasons occurring in my childhood aside from a couple little things here and there. But, I identify with all the symptoms you mentioned. Thank you for making this, it seriously is so helpful!!! 😊
I remember what that felt like. I was very scared that my new boyfriend would do X thing to show the world we were a couple which I saw as a stupid fad going around at the time. That was a very real fear as he was the manipulative and showing off type. Cross that bridge when it happens but plan ahead what you would do if it happened. Or you could say in advance that you don't like it. If he goes ahead he isn't the one for you. Best to find that out sooner than later.
Wow…going through this reminded me of a childhood moment. We had a garden with tomatoes, potatoes, and I think carrots or something. A hail storm destroyed it the one day and us kids cried and my aunt made fun of us and laughed. As a kid, that was traumatizing! On top of growing up with a covert narcissist mother.
Yes
I feel hurt that I try so hard. I have come to the conclusion that I train people how to treat me. I've people pleased for so long that my family becomes angry when I try to change it. I am 50 now, and tired of being this way. I resent them for expecting so much and not recognizing what I might need. I don't know what I need and therefore unable to put it into words. I feel like I am constantly trying to prove that I am worthy. 😢
This really hits hard for me.
I really struggle with a numerous of these. I grew up with a (proper) undiagnosed narcissistic parent. My needs and wants didn’t matter unless someone was looking or we were in that stage in the abusive cycle were things were calm. I was expected to live up to the really high expectations of behaviours, achievements and somewhat looks. I now have a big fear of abandonment. Very much had conditional love. This amongst a few of the others mentioned.
I feel like I have no direction in life because I have no idea what a want etc. I am currently doing RO-DBT and am slowly working through the emotions chapter as this is extremely triggering for me. Good and bad emotions don’t feel safe to me, let alone actually being able to feel and express them. That’s what I’m currently working on with my therapist. However, I’m struggling a lot to let it go cause it’s just not safe for me to do so.
I wish parents would be given the education and understanding of what these kinds of actions and reactions can do to a child once they are all grown. It’s hard to say the least.
I agree with with your last paragraph wholeheartedly. I also relate to everything from your childhood as well. Both of my parents are narcissists though, and I'm not in therapy (it's too expensive and no one takes Medicaid unless you're recovering from drug abuse). Changing tenses here because it's all still going on currently as well (I can't get away from it). I have the high expectations while being told I can't do anything and treated like I'm worthless and even being told I need to live in a "home" (in my 40s). Unoffically diagnosed adhd, dyslexic, hsp, cptsd. Am always highly criticized over the slightest thing as well as micromanaged and spoken to like I'm a 2 year old in many cases. I relate to many of the things for the eldest child stuff, though I'm an only child. Grew up and still live under the "children are to be seen and never heard." Even went to lunch a few times with my Mom and some friends of hers and I wasn't allowed to say a thing unless spoken to directly. I should have just stayed in the car and waited instead of gone in. It was humiliating (I was in my 30s at the time). Was married for just shy of 10 years and my husband treated me just the same way. He wanted a mom replacement and bedroom toy. Found out just last year the reason my parents had me was to take care of them when they're old. Gee, maybe they should've treated me in a way that I'd want to do a good job at that. Instead, I learned nothing about how to "adult" or manage on my own, I'm completely reliant on them because I can't get a job without prior experience even with a degree. I have no idea how to deal with my emotions since I was never allowed to have them growing up. In fact, a few years ago, I lost my dog I'd had for 12 years and was super close to. I was devastated. My Mom gave me a quick hug (because that's protocol when someone loses someone), then proceeded to go around my house and remove all traces of my dog. This was only a couple hours after I'd lost her. I've never gotten over it (the grief or how she tried to just delete her). When I lost my horse I wasn't allowed to have any feelings. When I found out on the phone, I started to cry and was told that crying wouldn't solve anything and get over it, there wasn't anything I could do. When I got upset at my Dad for being incredibly insensitive right after my abusive Grandmother died (he broke a piece of 100 year old furniture that meant more to me than she had), he told me to "stop being so sensitive." Even as a kid, I had a bit of an anger problem, going to my room to throw stuffed animals around (only way I knew to deal with it, still the only way I know) to avoid breaking anything and getting in trouble, and they'd ask me why I had such an anger problem because there was no reason for it (gee....I wonder?) and of course I couldn't tell them the truth. Still can't. They ask my why I have no self-esteem because they "didn't raise me like that." I can't tell them that either. I can't tell them that their treatment of me was the problem behind almost all of my problems. I've had medical issues that are still untreated and unchecked because they ignored me so much growing up that I had no idea these problems were problems until very recently, and I still can't get them checked out because doctors around here don't take medicaid. And yet they'd be helicopter parents on occasion as well, overprotecting me, making me afraid of doing anything, not allowing me to do anything without their direct supervision, all while totally ignoring me at the same time. It was so confusing (still is in my 40s). I've never had anyone I could really talk to and not be just dismissed. Even my friends just don't listen then say I need therapy and change the topic.
The title is what you want.
What I need is easy.
I completely agree with everything that was mentioned in the video. Furthermore, the aspect of codependency cannot be overlooked. It highlights how individuals may prioritize seeking approval or validation from others over their own needs and desires. This often leads to suppressing one's true wants in an effort to avoid conflict or disapproval. To navigate through these challenges, cultivating assertiveness is essential. This skill set enables you to voice your thoughts, wants, and needs while also acknowledging those of others. Equally important is the effort to bolster self-esteem and confidence. Believing in the legitimacy of your own needs and feeling deserving of having them met is fundamental. Engaging in mindfulness practices can significantly aid in recognizing your desires, which is a critical initial step towards effectively communicating them. It’s important to remember that requesting what you desire is perfectly acceptable. With continuous practice, articulating your needs in a manner that respects both yourself and others can progressively become more manageable.
You look fantastic with straight hair.
Both is good
Is there an “all of the above” answer? I grew up in a divorced home where my mother was at sometimes bitter about her circumstances with almost no help from my father while at the same time blaming us, her children, for her lack luster life in poverty. I was the youngest, but by the time I was 3, I was her “best friend “ ie parentified to help her emotionally with things I had no skill set to understand. My feelings no longer matttered. I stayed this way until her death 4 years ago…. slowly learning that MY feelings are okay and are normal and that it’s okay to express them. Spent a lot of time “silent screaming” just hoping someone would save me, only to realize I had to do the one thing that I had been doing all my life, save myself. With help of course. Thank you Dr. Morton for you honest content. It has been most helpful on my new journey of becoming me. ❤
My mom tried her best caring for me. Probably leaning toward overprotectiveness, since dad didn't take part much in parenting. Unfortunately when I was bullied in school and spoke to her about it, I was basically forced into confronting my bullies and their parents by the school. I don't think that helped much. I turned out to be a really scared kid, who'd completely abandon his personallity to fit in with anyone he could - no authentic connection, no proper sociallisation, abandoned his hopes, wants, needs - because having any attention on me turned out bad or worse. I often wish all this was over.
Never cry, too sensitive, must toughen up, that’s never going to happen, you’ll never going to do that…too dumb to graduate from high school (I have a Masters). Before mom died “ you did a good job of raising yourself”. Can’t feel anything.
Thank you so much for your videos Kati! I can unfortunately relate to a lot of this. Finally going to therapy for the first time at 32, after years of struggles with my mental health. It feels good to finally take this first step after being afraid to reach out in the past.
All of this happened to me. My mother is narcissistic. There was a lot of time she totally ignored our needs, or used our needs in a very negative way.
I don't remember hardly anything about my childhood but from what I do remember, the less I was seen and heard from, the better.
I can ask for my needs if it's really important for me, but it feels like preparing for war. I expect anger or denial and almost get angry myself beforehand when I'm going to ask. Most of the time I think it isn't worth the struggle and find ways to do it on my own or live without it. Don't know where that comes from.
All of them. To a point where I now am completely detached from my own emotions, needs and desires. I can’t even make ‘potential’ stuff up, that one could ask for help with. It’s like I’m in a game show and the spotlight turns to me and I can’t even tell you what street I live on. It’s a complete blank. I’m 2,5yrs into therapy and I’m doing better, but man… I sure paid a heavy price for my parents not being willing/able to break the cycle 😏
All 3 days I've watched your videos, nice to see you again here ❤
I don’t even give myself my wants. But I want to. I want to learn ❤
4:56 I literally just had this power from the other day. I try to express my emotions about being alone because of my disabilities and how i'm not really able to get out. But when she tries to say to change the situation she has no kind of examples of how to change the situation. But once I get frustrated at that she turns it on me. Where She makes about her feelings and how she feels about the situation. Ask me How she should act in the situation when I don't know. Even When I get to the point where all I'm asking is for some empathy.It's too much or she feels she's already doing it. Then complain about me telling her not to do it.When she thinks she doesn't she's just being overbearing. She's not asking me what I need she assuming what I need. As a disabled person who needs a lot of assistance and not getting any of it from the medical field, it's hard to Stop her from helping me too much when I need a lot of help.
I grew up in a family business, so that was the excuse of never having time for kids. Sickening
Whenever I asked my. father even for basic school requirements, he would turn all worried that he will have to go to the market to purchase them. Sometimes he would even get angry that I am telling it only one day before the thing is needed, even when the stationery shop was at 10 minutes walking distance.
If I demand some toy, he would say that it is not good, and that he would buy me a better toy from somewhere else. This constant behaviour made me feel guilty for asking anything from him.
This video touched so deep. I struggle asking for help. I´m glad I´m going to be attending therapy to try and address my upbringing.
Wow, I now know exactly what to talk about in therapy. Thank you so much!! Your content is actually amazing
That's all very on point. really hits home for me. It is pretty much exactly what I experienced as a kid. You really helped me to understand myself better.
thank you for your great work!
Wow, this video hits hard. Relate so much. Poor communication, sooo much. I'm just figuring out I can unlearn that & do differently
One part of this I struggle with is 95% of families have issues relating to one or more of these things. That said most people don't have problems like I do, so why was it so detrimental to me but most people get through it just fine.
Because I was not allowed to so my feelings,emotions or cry even if I show joy it was wrong so because of that I fand it hard to ask for something or show any emotions thanks for sharing this Kati❤
So true and thank you for helping us understand where these behaviours we have developed come from. Any time I had a problem my mother turned the conversation round and you would find yourself listening to what a hard life she has had (believe me she hasn't). As you have just said you learn that your feelings/concerns etc. are invalid or you shouldn't bother discussing them at all.
I called my mom after a friend died. Her response was to say it was a job opportunity.
This has helped me so much Kati thank you. ❤
This is a keeper. I immediately shared with my family. Thank you!!
Thank you for this video - I needed it
I have struggle for asseth things for such a lot of time. Being invalidated about very serious issues like my disability or having something traumatizing thing happen to me. But it never seems like anybody ever really cares about it. Everybody just moved on where I always feel crazy because no one ever take it serious enough.
A lot of this is familiar about my childhood. But the worst thing is I'm still getting letters from my mother I don't respond to or contact anymore. She says the same exact things in every one of her letters to this day. A lot of emotional manipulation and talking about the stress of raising me. Not once does she asked why I have chosen not to reply to her letters or what my feelings were being raised by her.
Thank you for being back
Missed your input
Wish you the best
Thank you for your wisdom and input
It's heavy to ask thinking my needs are not important or needy, and avoiding rejection
I was always being labelled as lair or not really knowing what I need and just ignoring what I asked for even when I was very expressive and would try help them really know how to help me , like I wasn't clear enough, turns out they never wanted to
this was a lot; every few seconds I felt like you touched a nerve in me. I relate really strongly to 4 of these: emotional manipulation, emotional availability, attunement, and poor direct communication.
I recall my mom yelling at me for venting about school once but always expected me to listen to her ranting, always making snide remarks about our family and friends, the whole family teasing and laughing at me when I was having a little meltdown as a 5 year old because of the color of my Easter Basket (one of my earliest memories; I remember why I was upset, but for whatever reason I couldn't articulate it, and the chorus of "awww somebody's TiReD" just made me even more upset). I remember being yelled at for asking an innocent question. I remember getting kicked because I missed her sarcasm once, and getting yelled at for trying to banter when the adults around me were bantering. I remember when I was interested in going into music to play in a symphony that did movie scores, mom making a snide comment to her friend on the phone about how "nice it is to dream". Or how she told my dad "she's in there drawing her stupid pictures" when she was angry at me --art was always something I enjoyed.
...I just want to feel normal.
All 6 of these are true for me. Therapy has gotten me to a point where I can at least identify my emotions, but I still struggle a lot with asking for what I need. It's really hard to overcome.
Hey Kati! Just dropped in to say your hair looks incredible!!!
I think my dad actually felt a resentment when someone would go up to him with feelings, like he felt he shouldn’t even have to deal with it.
I can relate to every single word said my family practiced every single way to fuck up my emotional needs.
No 5 is very common, especially in southern England and other places. A child sees this and doesn’t realise this is unhealthily, but I would call it out now if I saw this. You should never complain that someone stayed too long if you invited them in, they stayed only an hour and you never asked them to leave. Asking someone to look after your pet when you go away on holiday is not rude, provided you dont push it and acceot a refusal. If a neighbour asks you to, you could refuse saying that you are busy, unreliable, or dont like dogs, and if they then ask someone else, then that shouldn't bother you.
I had one 'friend' who, when I showed signs of getting ready to leave his flat he would then ask me to leave as he didn't like me to have agency and leave of my own accord. Then he could go and complain to his friends that I 'overstayed' my welcome and that he had to ask me to leave. Once, I got up and walked out as he was on the phone for 20 minutes without explaining to me who he was talking to and trying to wrap to the phone conversation. He then told me to FO as I was walking out.
I once attended a flower show and found nowhere to sit in the refreshments area even though I had asked politely of the vacant chair was taken. I was snapped at as if I had sat down without asking first. To them, that made no difference. To ask was being rude in their book while they hogged tables even long after they had finished their drink or food. I then had to drink my coffee standing up, and my feet were hurting at the time. This was the kind of flower show (the organisation holding it had Royal in their title) that attracted people like that. They couldn't even queue outside properly and left ten feet gaps between themselves and the person in front, so Show Sec stewards were hired to keep the queue moving and close the gaps.
Kati Marton your video reflects comprehensive research and indepth study.
Simply awesome and fabulous ❤
I find it so difficult, to say what i want and need because i think that i must do it on my own first without any help, if i got the thing that i want from someone i feel like i deceive them.
But the biggest reason that i don't speak up its because im terrified of the reaction i might have. In the back of my mind i create scenarios that they will yell at me and we will get into a fight. ( Even in my most empathetic close relationships that i know that they are good ppl and they will not behave this way, i still have this fear... )
This vid was top notch!
Until I watched your video I would have thought I had a normal childhood. But now I see well I think I see.
First off I am and have been a very sensitive child who was either blessed or cursed with the ability to feel peoples energy.
I am (was) a daddy's girl. When I was in 3rd grade while on a business trip, my dad had a heart attack. On Sundays he'd call to talk to us well that nite as we waited my mom told us to go us stairs after hearing about my dad. Me I felt immediately something was wrong. Our mom came upstairs and told us your dad had a heart attack. And then went back down stairs. My I thought heart attack ment dead. And I remember laying in my bed and I cried myself to sleep.
In the morning our mom got us up and we drove to the hospital were I saw my dad. He had open heart surgery. I Remer he had a huggy pillow which I had to have one. I didn't want to let him out of my site. So I faked sick alot. I think I was is 6th grade when my mom told me that dad wasn't doing well and that I had to stop being so emitional and that when I'm upset it make him upset. And him upset could cause him to die.
My whole world changed a year after I had graduated I got a phone call it was my mom first thing she said was are you home alone, I said yes why?
And with no pause she said
Your dad is dead. I lost it home alone and I had just lost the most important person in my life.
So after your video I see where I suffered from emotional neglect and abandonment issues. So is this a mother issue? And how do you find peace when both your parents have passed on?
My relationships have not worked. And my last one i truly love him and even though we broke up 7 years ago we are still friends with bennifits. Plus he had a chdhood not good and when he was 21 his brother wrected in front if him. And he also died in his arms.
I do believe he and I are ment to be together but we both start mirroring at each other any thought
Tina
Conditional love. It hit me the hardest.
It took me a very long time, some would say too long, to seek out therapy for my mental health. I've been seeing one therapist or another for 10 years. My question for anyone reading this that may be in the same situations is: is it normal to feel like an imposter or feel like your wasting everyone's time?
At the end....checked all of the above. Also fear disapproval will result in having my choices taken from me, or homelessness and possibly dangerous for another.
No one EVER asked me what I needed let alone wanted. I was always told to wait and then I was given what they wanted me to have. I was artistic from an early age. No one ever gave me anything related to art. I used scrap paper and pencil stubs. I’m not talking about expensive art supplies. I mean stuff from Woolworths.
I've learned to fly under the radar bc everything that I said or did could have been used against me by my parents, even if it was something they liked at first, they would turn it against me if it suited them. I'm in CBT now for dysthymia, anxiety and a couple of adjustment disorders and see a counselor for everyday matters that I'm overwhelmed with, it's a free service of social institutions in my country and really helpful for things the therapy cannot cover.
I feel so understood
I struggle to ask for help getting my needs met because I've had a life experience pattern my whole life where I've tried and gotten let down over and over from different people. And asked in fairly direct manners, many times. So if it's different people and different communication styles, what has that shown me except that my needs are never anyone else's priority regardless of how I ask? #6 definitely got me too. I've been more than once booted from friend groups the second I deviated from expected behaviors or became "inconvenient" to be friends with. So now I'm terrified to even ask to get my emotional needs met because the patterns says the second I ask for more than what I'm offered, I'll lose even what I have. I'm incredibly independent even beyond my inherent nature because people -- with very, _very_ few exceptions -- have _proven_ they won't show up for me and I have to look out for myself.
And all that bums me out because I have social anxiety, so I know I'm _already_ not asking for the full breadth of what I might need because I'm worried about imposing. So I'm asking for like barely more than bare minimum and still getting rejected, and that pisses me off especially when I see how selfish other people around me get to be while still retaining all their relationships.
I recognize all of these, sadfully
"Family environments where love and approval are contingent upon meeting certain expectations or behaviors can create a fear of rejection or abandonment. We may resort to indirect communication to avoid risking disapproval or withdrawal of affection."
"Our emotions are the ways we get in touch with our preferences and wants. When we didn't have healthy attunement from our parents, we may not have learned how to identify them."
"Witnessing unhealthy communication patterns such as conflict avoidance, passive aggressiveness, or a sense of obligation within our family can shape our communication style and make it difficult to express our needs directly."