"Am I Bonded To My Abuser Parent?" Signs Of Traumatic bonding | Psychotherapy Crash Course
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- Опубликовано: 16 июл 2024
- #trauma #Familytrauma #traumaticbond
It's really difficult to consider and accept that a parent -- who is present in our lives to nourish and build up -- is unhealthy, emotionally detached, and psychologically incapable of being a parent. To be bonded to this kind of parent is a tragedy.
When a traumatic bond occurs between a child and a parent an alliance is built. This alliance creates an unhealthy traumatic bond that is often carried into adulthood. Once carried into adulthood, this traumatic bond takes root in adult relationships, decision, behaviors, and feelings. The trauma is then perpetuated throughout younger generations.
In today's video, I will be discussing traumatic bonds and the signs that you most likely are the victim of traumatic bonding.
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DISCUSSED IN THIS VIDEO:
intro 0:00
Bonds 3:00
Unstable parental images 4:05
Unhealthy alliances 5:27
Patterns that happen 7:42
Signs of traumatic bonding 9:38
**Cycle of abuse 9:48
Feelings of guilt 10:38
Poorly defined boundaries 11:15
Compromised individuality 12:10
Need to protect the abuser 12:50 (see article in description below)
Normalized abuse 13:55
Unusual closeness 14:23
Emotional incest 15:01 - see card above
Dismissal of trauma 15:05
*Article: psychcentral.com/blog/caregiv...
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I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 12 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness.
I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
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When I was a kid, my mum told me i was a spastic and I'd never be any good. Growing up she would say the same . As an adult I would go see her, hoping today she'll tell me she loves me. But she never did. On her death bed she was saying the same. Afterwards for quite some time I could still hear her voice in my head. Now I know she was just a woman who had been hurt herself. Can never forgive her though
Yes. Forgiveness is not possible.
I have barely got started listening to this video but I will!! I am here as a daughter with a very elderly, living mother (lower case). She is undiagnosed narcissist, she ticks all the boxes. Now as she nears the end of her life, possibly terminal (?) I am still here enraged by her continuing abuse yet I still speak with her almost daily, offer support etc. I have bipolar, eating disorder and Cptsd. She continues to divide her children, idolises some, abuses others. I am enraged by her subtle abuse of me. Much of me loathes her. I seem to speak with her just to confirm my hatred of her. Yet I'm still here offering kind words and deeds. I want to tell her what a horrible mother she has been, how frightened of her I was as a child, how vile she is, how controlling she has been etc. I feel that as she will soon be gone I shall never have the opportunity of telling her so yet since I never have done so I know that I am not going to. I know that I am going to regret not doing so once she is dead yet she is unable to admit to having wronged me or anybody. Ever. She is unable to cope with criticism and flies into a rage which is worse than coping with saying nothing. Even as she is dying I could say something yet it would be cruel and unChristian to do so. I am the daughter that tried to stay on side, that worked hard within the home as a child and young person. I did escape the family home into a young marriage yet I never escaped her clutches. She has continued to use me at will. A pawn in her game. Dividing and conquering. No real love for anyone, using and discarding people as she needed. She's happy to speak on the phone (we live at a distance) for an hour every day, happy to put the phone down when she doesn't wish to speak, praises others for their care of her yet never thanks me for my support. I know she has no love for me. I need to negotiate this final end in the relationship as she dies. I wonder how it will feel when she's finally gone? How much regret I will feel for not having recognised the abuse for what it was sooner? My ultimate revenge will only be in not attending the funeral. The best part is in not telling her that I won't be there. I'm keeping that for myself.
Holy cow. Thank you thank you thank you!! I blocked out my trauma because I so desperately wanted a parent. After an incident I came to realize I was in a cycle of abuse. Never heard anyone articulate it. This really helps me understand myself. For years I felt overwhelming confusion. Thanks again
You're welcome! 🤗
I don't blame you for feeling overwheling confusion. A lot of people in the cycle of abuse also struggle with traumatic bonding. You can search some of my videos for this topic or learn more with a simple Google search if you haven't already. All the best to you on this journey.
Thank you for simplifying how one can become trauma bonded. Choosing the favourable experience and dropping the less favourable makes so much sense
You're welcome. And thank you. I'm glad this is practical. That's the goal every single video.🙂
50’s and finally recovered (almost) from a lifetime of trauma bonding and fear of abandonment. My life past was stolen from all those things. Sitting in the total black sheep solitude but by choice no contact. A friend of mine sad, there’s such thing as a good parent that does bad things and a bad parent that does good things. That’s the difference that made me recognize that my caregiver was a bad parent that did good things. The confusion was over.
How does one repair the damage? I don't mean fix the relationship because that is not what my family wants. I mean how do I get rid of the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the confusion and the bad ways of relating to the rest of the world?
You cannot know how this one just gave me such a relief
I just sent it to my son who will be 18 this month
It’s time
He is exactly in this scenario
This is gold
You are uniquely suited for my son at this point
You are offering such potent value in all of your work
Bless your beautiful heart and your dedicated soul
My son will likely respond with anger
It’s a: start
❤🤗Thank you so much Gary. I'm so glad to hear that this will be, at least we hope, helpful to him. I will be talking about this on Friday evening LIVE and then again on Sunday in a pre-recorded video so stay tuned.
@@TherapistTamaraHill oh I will
And until then
Please also know that sending this one to him
Gave me such a feeling of absolute empowerment
I’m beyond in gratitude to you
🌹
My dad shows narcissistic traits and I was once the golden child until I finally understood what was going on.
I moved out before I was ready due to both of my parents reaction to me coming out as trans (more specifically nonbinary) after leaving a mental institution for suicidal ideation.
I've always noticed a pattern of arguments my parents had but now I see that towards my own interactions with them.
I let my mom specifically slide with misgendering, dead naming, ect. I do try to express my discomfort but through an educational stance because I want a relationship with her but our last argument she went too far saying flat out transphobic and homophobic stuff just for me asking her to be considerate about my pronouns specially around strangers in public because they tend to misgender me more when they see someone who clearly knows me do it making it more awkward to correct them.
I feel constant conflict because I want things to get better and I put all my effort into making it better even when all their behavior shows no improvement.
Idk what to do...
This video was great! Thank you so much. Keep going! 😋
Thank you! 😃
thanks, we want more of this topic :D
Thank you! ☺
Great work 👏
Thank you! 🤗
Thank you so much ❤
You're welcome 😊
This is helpful. I am trying to figure out how to maintain my boundaries with my mother... and what to do when they're broken.
Yes if you try to break free of these abusers they will find some complex manipulative way to cross your boundaries and then convince other people in flying monkeys that you deserve it and to participate in on the abuse it is crazy making
Thanks!
So grateful for your contribution to this channel. Thank you so much Gary R!🙂
Hi when you find out your parents were abused by there parents but as an adult they have a relationship it must say to children now receiving repeated abuse parenting and because you see your parents having a relationship with there parents then the children will go .okay I guess this is normal and conditioned to receive abuse and still stay bonded to the parent .
It is uncomfortable proceedure & much Reflection of the Values You Yourself wish to Model to Others whom we Have compassion for.
We can choose to Trust we will no Longer Condone Minimilize or Perpetuate Abuse from ANYONE!! (Including yet not limited to the abuse we berate upon ourselves !!)
@@fairygurl9269 yes when we grow up we can choose but no choice when we are very young
Ouch! No body likes to address the elephant in the room
I think one way to help children being raised by a narcissist is to show them other families so they see that not everyone is like the narcissist at home and it's not normal behavior.
Thank you for this video. How do you think we should leave that kind of situation?
Recommendo "Familia Zero" *Iñaki Piñuel por tus Amigos Latinos.
I wasn't able to find it Translated to English, but it is certainly Worth Looking into If You are Able to.
i have trouble differentiating between if its trauma bond and im excusing it because my mom is unaware of what she is doing it or if she is aware and is Mal-intended (which i have trouble believing because she is traumatized and has never healed from it)
I'm praying I can get through to my granddaughter about her step dad. Im floored by the rules and treatment she receives. Not physical abuse...but menta l and emotionally. This child is not even allowed to show anger because she'll sacrifice the few privileges she has. (A cell phone...that has to be given to him at 8 pm and he goes through all her texts. Then tells her don't say this don't joke like that dont tell people I go through your phone) I get my granddaughter every Saturday and she confides I me but begs me not to say anything. I want to kick the door In and hit him with a bat. The phone thing Is Minor compared to other situations.
Edited to add...she's 16. Never been allowed to go to friends houses...always critized for the friends she has at school. He has the 360 on her phone and will even follow her while she's at school. He uses Her phone to message ugly thing to her friends. Did I mention a bat? #pissedoffgrandma
I'm 40yo and still live in the parents house, never moved away (yet). Whenever I want to leave the house, I feel forced to go downstairs to my mom and say "I'm going outside, bye!" - and I'm ALWAYS held from going straight out of the house, I have to talk with her 5 minutes of small talk, and say at least 5 times I want to go outside now. Is that already narcissist and abusive behavior of her? I'm sick and tired of this ritual. But I would feel guilty if I just said I'm leaving house and slam the door and go outside. Or even "worse" - just leaving the house without saying bye at all! (like my mom does! She never tells me when she leaves the house... but I feel somehow forced to do it, like I am still a small kid). What can I do? Thanks a lot for your reply!
Did your mum also like set boundaries I was 33 when I left and had 8pm boundary to the point I got speeding fines for rushing home. At 33. My mum made me small talk also and didn’t allow me to burst into a room and just ask a question, it has to follow a hello small talk then lightly approach the topic. Same with leaving the house, had to kiss and say bye a certain way, but that rule didn’t apply to my father or herself.
You should leave if at all possible.
I’m curious like in the case of kids or even older teens who are physically abused but keep going back. Some type of attachment maybe mom, they keep getting physically abused yet still even seek, I’m guessing comfort? Rather deep stuff especially coniderinf someone over 15 thinking I’m getting hurt this is awful so aside from alliance on a deeper level would there be some sort of false traumatic actual attachment issue occurring ?
Michele Lee Nieves did a Video on this Cellular Level "Addiction" a few weeks Ago.
Why does an Addict Keep doing the Thing thats Destroying them and Making them Feel Horrible....
Gabor M'ate also Explains alot about Addictions and Autoimmune issues...
Here's Wishing Much Understanding and Subsequently More Peace in Your World That You can Pay forward with Authentic Compassion 💞
Jon this is a good question! I think for young people the very idea that they have a parent who is abusive is difficult to conceptualize fully. In cases such as this there are often attachment issues and a deep desire for a good parent. A young person who is being physically, emotionally, or even sexually abused may "split off" in some ways which creates 2 realities. This young person may "split off" when communicating with the abusive parent and when dealing with the good sides of that same parent. I am not saying the young person has dissociative identity disorder but rather a survival mode that they go into. They desire a good and loving parent so they can "split off" from the bad reality and engage the good side of the parent. This causes the young person to desire more of this and forget about or deny the abuse they are enduring. It's all attachment theory, traumatic bonding, codependency, and enmeshment. It's messy. It's complicated.
We’ve thorough response. That makes a lot of sense, thanks very much! Your a very intelligent clinician and it’s great your sharing your education.
So how do you break the cycle and heal so you don’t treat your kids the way you were treated?
How do you break the alliance when things are no longer hopeful? no contact?
This is a great question you ask. I talk about that in the next few video. 9pm est. Stay tuned!
It is Really Truly and Utterly Undoubtably Worth the Damn Near Surgical Amputation Proceedure & Subsequent Rehabilitation to Authentically & Finally Feel Safe...
Occasionally I have to Manage a Ghost Pain (currently am feeling a sense of Grief mixed with Relief, Respect and Adoration too) , but I trust I will even Manage that much more Maturally and skills I can Model and Share will also Improve .
Ms. Beutiful Lady, as I Cry and Simultaneously feel Joyous, Words to Fully Encompass my Gratitude Always Feel to Fall Horribly Short.
🩺Most Definitely Glad You Exist !!
Thank you!! 💓