YOUR MOM IS TRAUMA: ENMESHMENT/TRAUMA BONDING WITH YOUR MOM
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
- This video is about enmeshment and trauma bonding with mothers, and was made in response to the days long emotional flashback I found myself in after reading Jeanette McCurdy's new book. We explore how the heart of traumatic, trauma bonded and enmeshed relationships with mothers can cause lifelong dysregulation, identity, trust issues, and attachment wounds, as well as what it takes to work on healing when your mom is trauma defined.
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Thank you so very much, and I wish you love and healing on your journey.:)
No other figure can disguise abuse as love, like a mom.
This! SO. TRUE!
Yes. They can be knifing, backstabbers, pathological liars, , superficial, abusive, or narcissists.
Dads can do it to especially if the mom manipulated him before the kids came into the picture
True
I spoke to my mom yesterday and I promises she still tries to manipulate my thinking at times.. but I just laugh when I am talking to her on the phone and be like mom I'm to old and I see thru your childish games
I'm so tired of people telling me "all mother's love their children". No they don't . Some, like mine, had kids because that's just what you do, not because they really wanted them. Some, like mine , want a perfect little robot and deny it any affection & regard every human need and trait that it has, with contempt. Some women should not have children. Thank you for your insight in this video, it's really helpful.
This sounds like my situation 😱 I was a perfect little robot 😥
I asked my mother once if she had children because she wanted children or because that's just what people did back then. She said "that's just what you did back then". At least I finally got the only truth she ever spoke in her life.
Wow. My name is Sarah Holland and I read your brilliant comment a couple times before seeing who wrote it. Then I read it several more times wondering, “did I write that? Sounds like me!” WOW! 😂🤗
@@christinepolacek1116 does it say that she has kids of her own? I’m not sure I see that.
👏🔥🙏
I’m finally finding healing from a narcissistic mother relationship at the age of 70. What a waste. It breaks my heart that I’ve wasted so much time hiding out, cave dwelling, finding fault in myself, failing at all relationships and just basically feeling totally inadequate for this life. I’m finding healing also by getting closer to God. I am realizing that no matter what, I am NOT alone.
Yes! Yes my Love you are not alone, God will never leave you, He never leaves us, Loves us more than the most loving mother… and if you have found God, you have lost nothing, hugs and love and du’as for you💗✨🤲
The key is it wasn’t your fault
Never blame yourself, your mom new better but still had her way with the situation and in cause you to miss out on the mass majority of your life as as an individual in a happy life
God is the “One seeing me”. Genesis 16:13. And” His understanding is infinite. “. Psalm 147:5
It’s not wasted time. All of that happened for some greater reason
I find it ironic that these entitled birthers want to wear the *mother* crown, but want their children, even small children, to have the maturity to parent the parent and themselves while also forcing these same children to stay children. These "mothers" get angry and resentful should their children outgrow them. "How dare you create your own family and put their needs ahead of mine? I am your *MOTHER*. You owe me your very existence!"
Nina, these mothers are damaged beyond belief and cannot give love or be a mother. You are doing right thing by living your own life now. Be sure to break the mold with your own children. Big hug.
I know right? They re so entitled. Their property we are. A property that is not supposed to have it's own opinion, beliefs or dreams...
These creatures are not “mothers”, they are just vessels. No woman has “created” a child. God made the child, she just got pregnant, and was the vessel.
Entitled birthers?! 😂😂❤
OMG! exactly
Yikes. I would tell my daughter about my problems too much when she was little. I did not realise what I was doing until one day when she was 10 she said "Mom, I'm a kid, this isn't my job, it makes me sad". I was suddenly struck with the realisation that I did to her what my mom did to me. My mother never apollagized when I told her years later. I did appologize and told my daughter that I should never have done it and that it must have been hard for her. I told her to be a kid and that she did not have to listen to my problems to show she loved me. I then started journalling if I had no one to talk to. I pray that I was not too late when I stopped doing this. I am glad my daughter has boundaries and was able to tell me. It happened because I was so derailed by my "problems" that I was not able to see the beautiful and delicate child infront of me. It is not a kid's job to be an emotional support. Sure, now and then they can give a sad parent a hug. But they should never feel it is why they are here If I remember my childhood, it made me grow up too soon when I took on my mum's problems.
God bless you. There's far too little compassion for the reality of motherhood, and lot of displaced rage. I find it very disappointing that women professionals push this without comprehending that they're replicating internalized misogyny in the next generation.
You are such a strong person who can admit this thing! ❤ That is a really huge thing to do! I'm happy you are a real human and know that everyone can make mistakes. But not everyone admits it. I'm proud of you, and your daughter has a mother who is authentic. That is rare. All the best for you both! Love from Sweden❤
What you did is very respectful of your daughter, you recognised your mistake as soon as you became aware of it and changed your behaviour giving your daughter her freedom back and true love. That is exactky what i would have expexted and needed from my mum. We can all make mistakes but not every mother recognises it and say sorry. Thanks for what you did. All the best to you too
Wow, what maturity your daughter had to say that! That shows she feels safe with you. I was way too afraid of my mom's reactions to ever tell her that. Good for her and good for you for recognizing her words and loving her enough to respect those boundaries. God is guiding your relationship!
You must be doing something right for her to assert her boundaries so clearly and calmly. She obviously knew you'd take her concerns seriously.
And you did. Well done you.
For me now at a stage where I've realised what my mother is, the flaws in the relationship and now started therapy, it's opened my eyes to how much panic is within me. If my partner seems "off" I automatically panic right into my core that he's mad at me. And I want to fix it. It's so hard to feel that way, and feel like everyone's mood is a reflection on YOU. Especially as it makes you feel self centred too in a way.
Yes, so true, it always feels so personal. But it was personal in childhood, so that is how we survived. Sending love and compassion to your inner child.💗💗
Can relate. My ex used to sometimes say my name and pause before continuing and I began to wake up to the feeling of panic I had whenever I heard my name like that. I remember thinking, “I don’t think that’s normal!” For me it comes from always being berated as a kid, that kind of negative interaction was the most common one. I was either in trouble or I was ignored.
100% true. When my husband expresses dislike for anything I've done, as small as not particularly liking what I made for supper, I start to beat myself up. It's so irrational and I do know this but it's just who I am. And in a bored moment don't get me started on the inner dialog of 'is he going to leave me cuz he's bored?' It's silly really but feels so deeply rooted
Oh, my, I do feel that self centered part as well. I’m always checking my behavior to make sure I’m not a narcissist, too!
Is this panic borderline personality disorder? 😥
When you grow up in a toxic family system you have to retrain yourself. I have to give myself more time. I have been brainwashed into servitude for decades. People pleasing, working for love and acceptance. I am no contact but the damage is done. Decades of abuse doesn't go away in a few years. I need more time.
No, the pain, it does not go away for a long time.
So true. I was raised in a toxic situation, too. It does take time. God has really helped me and guided me to finally process everything and begin to heal. We can and should forgive, but that doesn't mean we stop hurting. I will lift up a prayer for you!
@@lorisnyder89 Thank you!
We need probably our hole life to heal from narcistic people..I wish u the best ,lif your life with happiness now your free❤
@@lorisnyder89God helped me too. Until I chose after 11 years to finally date again. It was then that I realized it was my parents who made a mess of me, and this was while my boyfriend, a Covert Narcissist, finished the job and turned me right back into the jealous, crazy, psychotic "control freak" he so lovingly called me. It was all at once I realized he was a Narcissist, my mother is one, my sister, who has severely damaged me, is one, and 2 ex boyfriends are guaranteed Narcs (one possible Sociopath.) I was also raised in a cult. My father is OCPD and had me believing I would always have to conform to his demand for "perfection." You can go on all day and say Jesus was the only perfect one, and my father himself will preach that, but in my dad's eyes, you do it his way or there will be backlash or punishment. We are talking about a man who has studied the Bible his entire life and he's over 80.
No amount of therapy will ever fix this. Maybe it'll help me deal with the pain and emotional disregulation better, but I nearly guarantee, I'll never be "fixed" or "fully healed." Not until heaven's gate. And that's if I make it there.
The damage for me is the loss of my 20s and 30s. That's something I'll never get back.
Same. I have to grieve those lost years. Its not easy. I hope you heal
Honestly, I felt like I was the only one that felt this way. It is very traumatizing to recognize the loss of 20s and 30s.
I have lost my 20s, shes so attached. I really don't want to miss out on my 30s :(
My mom actually told me one time “why would I see a therapist? You’re my therapist.” That was so messed up to me.
Do we have the same mom?
😢
My elderly mom said: being raised by step mother I was always alone, then God gave you to me, you were born for me, no therapy will help me, i need first therapy at home, from you........ Im takin care of her now shes 85, livong with her, but i lost my self and feel never good enough....
@@RoseNewAgeoh my lord! No! I am so sorry.
I feel they expect us to be everything they need/want all wrapped up in one person. That way they don't have to use up their own energy to get what they need.
There’s a new phrase being used in literature: trauma coerced attachments (TCA), I like it even better than trauma bond because it’s clear there’s no choice on the child’s part about how they are bonded to a traumatic parent (and also for vulnerable adults who are groomed to be abused and trafficked)
Where could I read about TCA?
New terms same concepts.
THIS.
Agreed- the term trauma bond creeps me out and makes me feel gross, because it implies a bond with my abuser. There is definitely no bond there- only a non-consensual spiritual violation that persists. TCA would be a much better term.
Enmeshment trauma is so invasive. I am still separating myself from my mother. The mother wound runs so deep. Thank you for your videos and hope you have a great weekend!! ♥️
I know the toxicity of it, combined with an angry abusive father.
But a new Xbox every few years solves everything, right?
It does run deep...sending 💗💗this weekend!
@@tactik5903 Not sure about the xbox lol- but it's a great distraction.:). so sorry about your father🙏
@@DrKimSage just pointing out how as kids we were sometimes bought off with material love as an alternative to understanding and growth.
Wishing you well on your journey. ❤
I am a mother, but it frustrates me how we put mother's on pedestals and act like they can't ever do any wrong.
They can definitely do wrong. But under the mother code of ethics they can do no wrong.. hint, hint. Its sort of pushed under the rug.. My mom was a silent abuser.. No one could see it but it took place on a regular basis.. this is why I live a semi-normal life the damage was done.
Yes. Parenting is hard. However, it's even harder when you're expressing all your feelings to your codependent mother and they ignore it all!
What I say is having a viable uterus and a working set of ovaries does not make you 'special'. Billions of others are capable of giving birth.
I’m so happy someone else shares my perspective. I’m also a mom and hate when people put moms on a pedestal.
I've never felt this way moms can do much wrong and 50% of them do and don't care how it affects other people including their kids
I was meant to see this. I am at the age if 50 and my mother is the narcissist and it's only in the last couple of years that I have realized that this is what she really is. I didn't have the knowledge about narcissists earlier, I just called it an abusive parent and I didn't understand her behaviour, why she is the way she is. I was severely abused by her and she destroyed my life, my relationships, everything. I only went no contact little over a year ago. I have been looking for safety all my life. I avoid, avoid, avoid. Everything you mentioned, it's me and my life. I only let people so close and then there is that wall. I can only be around other people for very short periods of time because social interaction drains me. After a conversation with someone I pick apart everything they said, how they said it, what tone of voice they had when they said it, if there was any hostillity is their voice etc etc. I look for signs of anger and try to figure out how to be to avoid confrontation. It takes so much for me to process a meeting with someone else and I analyze everything over and over to try figure out if they are friendly or not. Always feeling uncertain of my value in the company of others and how they might view me. Trying to please them so they wont dislike me. So, I have become a people pleaser. Fear of making mistakes because I wasn't allowed to make mistakes and my narcissistic mother always changed the rules so I never knew what todays rules were, so I developed "tentacles" trying to "feel in the air" what mood she was in day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, not to displease her, so she would love and accept me. She could beat or verbally abuse me and after that I had to crawl for her and was mocked if I broke and cried, not even being allowed to have my own feelings. Constant gaslighting, "I never said that", "I never did that", "That never happened", "That's not what happened", "You are just being sensitive", "You have a vivid imagination" etc etc. I have a brother and she mostly targeted me, but my brother was there to witness her abuse and he got some of it too, so when she in recent years have tried to gaslight me when I have confronted her about things she did and she says "That never happened" or "You have a vivid imagination", I have replied that me and my brother must share the same vivid imagination then since we share the exact same memories. She also have tried shifting blame to make you out to be the one in the wrong. She then claims to be the victim and her needs comes first. I live secluded from life and others because of fear and even mail dropping in through the mail slot in the front door scares me because everything outer could be potential bad news and a threat so I panic when I hear mail dropping in the door. Anything entering the bubble I have created (inside my home) to try feel safe scares me. I have struggled with eating disorders during the years, it's either complete starvation in periods where I get sickly thin or losing control and overeating as a way of trying to soothe myself with food and getting obese, up and down in weight like a yo-yo. Can't calm myself down, been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, depression and OCD. I think my OCD stems from inner chaos so I have all these different outer OCD patterns to try create outer order to try soothe myself. I often have suicidal thoughts that come and go. I have reached out for help but even there there is barriers due to me putting up walls and trying to please even the therapist. I don't know that I'll ever heal from the trauma I have gone through, but it helps knowing that I am not alone and that the abuse wasn't my or my brothers fault, that there was nothing wrong with us, but that it's her being a sick malignant narcissistic individual. Videos like yours give strength, validation. Thank you! 💚
Hugs 💜
I have been there. Choosing the right therapist was a big step for me, she is someone who gets me, is kind and has my best intrest at heart. I understand that this is almost unbelievable to become true, but there is a whole world out there where people are kind and caring for each other. I am still in recovery and I am slowly finding more trust, most of all in myself to make good choices for myself and to no longer punish myself and isolate as a responds to the narcisst abuse in my life. The best revenge is to become happy.
@@tbd5082 💜
@@natalie.natalie.natalie 💜
I am so sorry you've endured so much, and everything you shared is at the heart of why I keep making videos. You are worthy of validation and healing, one day, one moment, at a time.💗💗
Im a 25 almost 26 years old woman. Ive been trying to get out of my house since a couple of years ago because of this situation your explaining, its been difficult to get out of my house, but is something that I know will be good for me
Any update now ?
Look up Dr David Hawkins Power vs Force and Byron Katie
Also look at Alan Lane Smith Attachment speacialist
Helped me 😢😢😢
Pro tip: if you have transportation access, do as much hiking as you can, worked great for me in the same situation/age. Bonus points if you don't tell her where you're going (or _that_ you're going - but if you are venturing somewhere remote or without cell service, you can tell someone else and consider purchasing a satellite emergency comms device)
My mom groomed me to believe her to be an actual saint - to the point where I willingly wrote letters of my affection to her. It was sick and such brainwashing
🥺
Sounds like we lived similar lives I could do know wrong in my moms book
My mom did the same thing! I saw her as a prophet who was the judge and the only bridge between me and God. I truly believed that if she was angry at me, God was angry at me. Since going no contact, I have taken ownership of my own relationship with God, which for me was the biggest rebellion
I even wrote poems praising her. She would be happy in the moment, but would lash out the moment a little somthing bothers her.
Same here, thank you for saying this. I’ve always felt really gross about it looking back, but it helps to know it wasn’t just me. ❤
I had to go no contact with my abusive mother. Recovering from her abuse, first time in my life I've not been suicidal. It has taken me 33 years to find myself. It hurts, but she's dangerous to me. Not all mothers love their children,mine hated me with passion .
My mother is also very dangerous and also hates me from my birth. She is insane. The only way is to leave them.
I sympathize with you. my mom is a master manipulator, she emotionally abused me for 20+ years. But with my therapist help I broke free.. I didn't have physical contact with her for 10 years and moved way out of stated about 11 hours from her so she couldn't have dad pop up over my house at any given second. This gave me time to heal from the abuse she put me and my sister through. See my dad was a bully as a kid and my mom was abused by her brothers and sisters growing up. Bad combination to have kids with.. So yes I suffer from bpd due to trauma I suffered and emotional abuse from both mom and dad .... invalidation, gaslighting, physical abuse... the works!
You are lucky. It took me 60 years to wake up.
The non-mother is still gunning for me... after getting exactly what they wanted: the money, and destroy my father's legacy.
To destroy me to destroying any relationships that he had or we had, she definitely doesn't like me.
Someone who has known us for almost 30 years had the nerve to say that the nonmother loves me. There's no way in hell you could love your children and Treat them and their children and.
Your own children.
Andrew spouse like shtt.
When you spouse grandchildren. And do what still being done to us. I AM NO contact w/ her.... Yet she recently sent yet another bizarre disrespectful text message to someone whom she is STILL trying to enlist against me..
& in addition, sadly, I can't see my other parent. 51 years of pure hell.
I know someone who tried her best and was a conscientious dedicated mother but her abusive npd manipulator spouse enmeshed with the youngest daughter after the mother spent her whole life investing in her daughters talents and unconsciously put her daughter first and foremost over herself. Her daughter was aware of the father’s abuse of her mother and yet has chosen her father as the person she is close to and discarded the mother and her other siblings. She is now trying to turn her siblings against the mother who was abused. What is going on 🎉? The father sent his wedding ring he had with her mother to her for easter. This relationship feels almost like a twisted freudian theory. The mother is alone, cptsd, and has been abandoned while the father remarried 3 months after divorcing the mother. The new wife and father are trying to become the new family while the mother is deeply depressed and traumatized and feels unsafe and abandoned.
Im 54 years old and it took me till I was 50 years old to realize that it wasn’t a normal relationship between my mother and I . She used me as an emotional sponge for everything. The realization that this was going on is when I recieved a phone call from her like I usually did and listened to all her negativity in silence and after I hung up the phone I was being edgy with my husband and daughter and my husband and daughter pointed out to me that every time I take with my mother I’m like this.(well) I took a look at this behavior I was exhibiting and said to them I’m so sorry I acted this way. That’s when I realized the damage that was done to my emotions and I seen a therapist.
Co -dependency
My mother was very much like this. I wrote in my blog that she didn't want a child as much as a pet. I was basically supposed to be her emotional support animal. It was all about me supporting her emotional needs whereas mine were disregarded or even treated with hostility. Then I wondered why I grew up to be such a people pleaser. No contact and LOTS of therapy have helped me immensely but it's an ongoing process.
To them we only exist to fullfill their needs, to them we and our feelings don't matter, to them only they matter. Going no contact is the only way forward. I can relate to everything you wrote.
Couldn't have said it better myself! Except that I'm also expected to manage her husband's emotions too. We get good at it too! But it's not worth it
I can relate to this big time but I grew to become avoidant not co-dependency or a people pleaser. It made me become super restrictive on who I let around me too. If I see a person mimics toxic relatives, I show them the door fast as hell. I always isolate or became a lone wolf dealing with people on a a selective bases. When you mention your pain/vent/life problems you get ignored, dismissed, or they’ll revert the conversations to mainly about them. Sometime they’ll become hostile or get nasty out the mouth because you’re stating how you feel.
Your a people pleaser just like myself because you want to be validated since your mom invalidated you... This is normal for people suffering bpd... I am not as much as a people pleaser as I use to be.. But the transition is torturous because you being a people pleaser make you feel that people will like you and that you have friends.. but these people are really not your friends... friends respect people that respect and love themselves... People treat people pleasers horribly behind their backs.. By taking advantage of their niceness. I learned this the hardway.
So many of us isolate and have suicide ideation our whole lives. I've told my mother about my suicidal thoughts for years and she gets disgusted at my pain. She loathes weakness. Yet she'll remind everyone how miserable and depressed she is. It is never about anyone else. She's the matriarch, so it'll always come back to her. She hates her own sisters, hated her father and adored her mother. It was only in the last month I realized she's a Narcissist, which was during a time when I realized that my boyfriend is a Covert Narcissist and he is destroying me. He knows how much she's damaged me and can't stand listening to it and said to get away from her. She knows how much he's damaged me and said to get away from him. Both have taken the other as a threat. Both have destroyed me. My mother baked the cake of who I am and he and 3 Narc exes iced it. My father is severely controlling ocpd. I just started therapy for the 6th time and finally I think I have a smart therapist and praying he can help me. I'll never be able to break away from her. The guilt of leaving her would be too massive. I'm dependent on her also, not afraid to admit it. She's saved my ass financially numerous times and never said a word about it, as I'm in commission sales career and was in several abusive relationships. Yes, I always paid her back and always felt forever indebted. It's her actions that expect "payback." I have been trying to figure out a new career and at my age I don't know how I'll survive on my own with today's rent prices, so I've been staying with her and my father. I'm trapped. She acts like she's proud of me but I believe she's used my business to inflate her own ego. The guilt trips, gaslighting and rages have been my whole life. Cabinets slamming. She punched my dashboard in route to the hospital when we thought I had cancer and she was being nasty to me as I was sinking deeper into depression. I thought I had terminal illness, and there she sat in my front seat screaming at me, saying I didn't know what this was doing *to her.* It is sick what she put me through. My drunk Narcissist boyfriend carried me through that dark time, and he too, has devastated me. I'm not sure if there will ever be a way out.
Yep! I was her therapist, her mother, her friend. I grew up with an adult in the house. But I do not know what it’s like to have a mother. I hate when people say all mothers love their kids. Mine does not love me. She is not capable of loving anything or anyone.
I am so sad you went thru that.
Look up Dr David Hawkins - Power vs Force😢😢
Also Byron Katie
And
Alan Lane Smith attachment speacialist
This reminds me of a statement by Margaret Mead, the anthropologist. She wrote we suffer from our parents because we were raised in a nuclear family, away from extended family. In primitive villages, Mead noted an absence of adolescent rebellion, including mental and emotional problems in adults, because the village raises the child. There are so many influences to help the child and to help the parent raise the child when many people are involved in the nurturing.
Nowadays and even back in my days children weren't raised by a nuclear family they were raised by nannies and daycare institutions.
I'm 35 and my first year of life I spent with different nannies, who were looking for more kids.
When I was 18 months old I was dropped at a day care. Daycare had children from 12 months to 5 years old.
This is not a village raising children, this is a handful of carers handling dozens of infants and toddlers.
The nuclear family is an upper class construct and way better than the working class that outsources childcare.
@L’esprit de l’escalier it's because capitalism has destroyed it. The indigenous peoples had a rich life before colonizers came. Our very structures to support families, mothers, and work are broken.
@@lespritdelescalier4858 the colonizers disrupted how native villages worked and forced them to the colonizers religion. They brought nothing but r*pe, homophobia and sexism into our family structure because of the church brainwashing and abusing native kids in boarding schools
@@lespritdelescalier4858also before in native culture it was family who was the village that helped the young ones. Natives don’t see family like white people. We didn’t use terms like 1st cousin or 2nd cousin. We call all our cousins sister or brother. My aunt in my language means secondary mom basically. I wish I had my tribe help raise me since my mom made me raise my younger brother. But the point of being raised by a tribe is to spread knowledge/ wisdom. It’s good to have a functioning community that you can trade skills like weaving, pottery making, cooking, growing corn, butchering, or jewelry making.
@@mackaylahinton5403 Agree
Being a mother isn't a hardship. It's definitely a life changing journey. You either choose it or you don't. We all have our own paths. Doesn't make you better or worse either way. Just make it yours.
The responsibility is real though and some moms just have kids for their own selfish gain.. and thats not fair to that child.
I came upon this video while I was just looking for anyone who is going through the same thing I'm going through. People think I'm nuts if I talk to them about her(just venting and looking for ways to deal with this) this is bc she puts a different face on for others. My mother is a grand master narcissist and master manipulator! She's only happy when she makes people give her what she wants and money. She very materialistic! She's verbally abusive. I started standing up to her and then in a blink of an eye bc I did that....she literally gives me a speech that's a victim statement. I'm so tired of her games! In 42 years of my life she hasn't changed. My mom has relationship problems with everyone around her but she's the only one who thinks it's everyone else. It's just crazy but I'm done! I'm working on me now and my family!
Sounds like my mother in law!
I blame my maternal grandmother full stop for how she treated my mother and what she did to my mother that left her so traumatised that she ended up enmeshing her daughter
Yeah... it's on your Mom. No one else. I can Say this because I was in the exact same situation. What I did realize is that no matter who or how I was screwed up a child that would not be an excuse to use with my own kids who I love more than life-i didn't want my children to go through the low self esteem that my mom fostered in me. I had to reparent myself to do better for them.
@@deannatow9175excellent response and good for you!!
That statement about how great all mothers are is splitting and denial .Probably repressed childhood trauma. Glad you bring up these issues. Enmeshment denotes lack of boundaries.
Or maybe irony? Y’know: irony?
Life changing video… I subscribed instantly. I’m a 50yo only child who has always been enmeshed with her mom. She’s a very good person, and yet the trauma bond has expressed in many of the ways you mentioned. I am moving into her home to become her caregiver, which feels like the most natural thing to do with our patterns, and the way my life has played out. Even though it will be tricky terrain, I hope to follow your guidance and move through this consciously, and perhaps we’ll be given the chance to heal some things while she’s still alive. I almost feel like it’s a betrayal to fully individuate, so I clearly have inner work to do. At 50! But hey, it’s never too late if we’re alive.
Sorry to hear that you went through this growing up
This explains why I used to feel so panicked when mom used to say we were “ joined at the hip”
My mother says she lives for her kids and grandkids. She wears it like a badge of HONOR... and we OWE her. I didnt realize her love was transactional until I got some distance. She sends nasty grams every 5 or 6 mos to make sure we are told how miserable she is bc we moved away. Her misery is our fault. She took down all our pictures and treats me like I have died... told me what I did to her (moving) was worse than her mother dying! I've been in therapy for 30 years and only NOW am starting to understand WHY. 😮
waw
It’s all fake when they say this meaning toxic mothers.
Sorry to hear that you went through this growing up
When there’s a disagreement,
when I need to say YES
or when I need to say NO,
when I need to state my needs,
and ask for them to be met...
When I need to create boundaries...
There's a possibility and a probability,
that someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So I engage in every encounter,
interaction, and relationship...
In a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me...
NEVER
ends up being me!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose a part of myself.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
OMGGGGG THIS IS SO ME!!!! My Sister (we were 11 months apart she died at 38) and my Daddy died 4 months apart this year....I'm just here to help my mom...she can be so rude and her answer to that is im 70 years old my kids can not change me! you cant tell me what to do. She will hang up on me anytime she feel like it...she never ask me how I'm doing. I can say Mom I've been grieving all day and I literally planned both funerals alone...she wont even say its going to be ok...Im only here to serve her just like her Mom did her. She cries about this happening to her but dont see that she is doing the same to me...This is my life completely I'm only here for her needs financially and emotionally. She hung up on me when I told her that she can be rude sometimes and I never called her back. I'll just text her once a week to see if she need anything other then that I'm keeping my space!
Sounds like my story too. And mine wants someone who loves to be entertaining to her. Otherwise she calls and moves and says she's bored
@@gypsyeclipse9788 Omg my Mom loved my bad Boyfriends because they entertained and spoiled her but couldn’t stand my Husband because he is naturally quiet and he don’t entertain her she told me he was never going to marry me he was just with me until he found someone better! Can you believe our life smh
@@Disorderlychicpets my mother died when i was 2. never met her but miss her. i will never have that void fulfild
@@RestauranteBeiraMar I’m sure she was an amazing Mom and Human being. I’m sorry you had to experience that
I was molested/raped by several family members and told my mother about a incident that happened earlier that day clothes ripped and crying she exposed me to the abuser and told me to lie or I would destroy the family and is still lying I’m the scapegoat I have separated from all family members for they all have the knowledge yet excuse pedophelia. Result for me was PTSD
Hi😮😮
i subscribed. I am in my early 40s. My mom was a mental patient undiagnosed for 68 years and i didnt know until her suicede attempte when i was 37 years old. My "normal" ended up being pretty much everything you described and my world came crashing down. I did get therapy and it's been a lot of hard work and ongoing process. Mom is now in a nursing home. I existed to serve my mom and even now with her in a nursing home i struggle with being her daughter/protector but i do practice awareness and mindfullness etc. I was pulled into my mom's world and her trauma was dumped on me. I do believe the role of mothers depicted at godnesses are overated. My mom was not the mother i needed as a child or growing up. My dad was a better parent. Also, i ended up being my mother's mother yet bc i havent birthed a child many women think I am clueless but i find myself knowing more about life, compassion, pain, parenting, self parenting etc more than they do. For all the dad's in this comment area i salute you. Dads can raise good daughters and women.
Thank you for being here with me. I am so sorry you've endured a lifelong wound because of your mother's own challenges. It's such a complicated place for you to be as a mother to your mother, and I believe you do understand a pain and depth of life that many can't imagine if they haven't grown up in the way you shared. Thank you for encouraging great dads here too, we always need loving and safe parents, no matter what.💗💗
" being my mom's mother, raising my mother as a child" THAT PART. I remember one time I said to my mother " I don't need children to raise I've been raising you, then you wonder why I don't want / have children, what am I to do with them?"
My mother started accusing me of sleeping with my step-father when I was 12. It never ended. The more I denied it. The guiltier I looked. I was Black-Sheeped, Scapegoated, neglected, and abused. Now, 20 years later, she has been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. She hears voices, sees things that are not happening and accuses my sisters nanny of all sorts of untrue things. NO ONE in my family has acknowledged the abuse or how they all kind of turned on me, and believed our crazy mother. They all co-signed on the made-up delusions of a schizophrenic. They all wanted mommies love, even if it meant destroying me. Not all mothers are sane, good or loving. And I am sickened by the further abuse I experience as an adult woman, that has no children. Im not interested in Family.... good or bad. Im just not into it. I dont trust it. I am avoidant. I dont allow myself to get into any situation that I cant walk away from. It took years to control my rage and anxiety. I dont allow myself to use people or hurt people. I know myself well enough to know the damage I can do.
And, Now that she is diagnosed. I feel relief, vindication. And I have no relationship with my brothers or sisters and I am not seeking it either. I have moved on and accept the apology I never got. But, I have no desire to have these people in my life.
I am not exaggerating when I say that my mother was a real life “Mommie Dearest.” Many, many rage-a-holic outbursts that resembled the “No wire hangers” scene from that movie. I went very low contact, don’t even call or visit on holidays.
Good for you on not visiting or calling. No one should have to visit or call their own abuser. They have never been a mother to their children, just a tyrant that instills pain and fear. You are not obligated to be in contact with someone that only wants to hurt you emotionally and physically. A narcissistic mother doesn't change as the years go by, they don't learn or get better. They are still the same abuser. Take away their chance of hurting you again by staying away. You are worth better
My narcissistic mother loved that movie and endearingly referred to herself as Mommie Dearest.
@@hollyk461 psycho
Mine too! Finally broke free after 50 years
I was a rebel of trauma bond. I pleased them for a little while then I kicked back. I stopped caring about bonding as I realised there was a problem. I told my mom to stop telling me about her problems with my dad. Even though my parents were married and staying with us, they argued Each Time they see each other, Everyday. In front of us and in front of EveryBoDy. People said my mom loves me, all mom's love their children. Well, maybe, maybe not. I didn't feel the love coming from my mother all I felt was her trying to turn me into her little project and we don't get Along Everytime she does that. I'm not interested.
Me too! My parents stayed together and my mom used me to emotionally load off and talk shit about my dad and basically everyone in our family. She still tries to control me too. I've moved to another country. And she ofc punished me w silent treatment before I left over sth very petty. I'm heartbroken but at least I'm seeing the truth of who she is.
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was in highschool; I think I was always predisposed to be an anxious person, but my mother was definitely a catalyst. I was the firstborn and since I can remember my mom put way too much on me emotionally, I was her emotional vessel, I feel like I never got to be myself. Even now I feel guilty putting any blame on her, I always justify her actions "she has her own mental struggles and trauma, it's not her fault she is like this"...I don't even know where to start or how to talk to my therapist about this. I am getting treatment for my anxiety disorder, but if one of the root causes is my mother I feel I won't be able to treat my anxiety if it's never addressed.
Oh wow, I’m just now stumbling upon this comment, but this so precisely describes my relationship with my mother, as well. I’m also the first-born, and felt like I couldn’t be my authentic self, but rather, a construct of what my parents wanted me to be. (I was recently diagnosed autistic, high-masking, as well.)
I was parentified at a young age, as I was often left watching after my two younger siblings. I also knew secrets and information regarding my mom that I probably shouldn’t have known and wasn’t ready to handle.
Recently, I was on a ten-day visit to my parents’ house, who have now moved out of state. My mom is going through a lot, caring for my 90-year-old grandmother who recently had another, larger, stroke, as well as cancer and vascular dementia. So I felt like I couldn’t be hard on my mom because of all her current responsibilities. She also had her own past trauma (as does my dad).
We got in an argument mid-week. I’d been a little grouchy one morning. (Not a morning person and three hours forward in time zones.) She didn’t address it with me right away and held it in. Later she was micro-managing me while I was trying to make dinner for them, and it was a dish I’d made several times.
The next day, my dad wanted her to come along on an outing that she didn’t want to do. So she blew up and said a bunch of hurtful things to me, and was behaving like a fussy child. (I also have a child state, though fortunately I don’t have any children to subject to it.) Instead of angry, I just felt disappointed. Like the whole argument was just regressive, and her attitude really soured the experience, though I did eventually just ignore it and have a good time anyway. She did later apologize, as did I, but I still can’t shake the feeling of disappointment after all these years of arguments like this.
I'd just like to say all mom's who are "trauma" are not evil, self centered narcissist ". My mom was severity physically abused and so had children. I was sexually abused and enmeshed with my mom who was not a narcissist but severely damaged emotionally from her own trauma. I was very sensitive and very responsible kid who loved my mom and wanted her to love me in ways she could not. Fast forward I grow up dysfunctional with my own trauma and have a child. I developed a severe mental illness plus being ptsd from my trauma when my son was only six. He grows up enmeshed with me and I didn't understand this was happening until he said he hated me and did not want to be around me. So I remember hating and loving my mom at the same time. Very crazy making. my son suffers from a host of mental and emotional issues. So this is obviously a generational thing in our family. But I want to be healed because I am the mom who is trauma. And I weep over what I did to my son. So even though he may never see it because of no contact with me I'm passing this video on to my son. Because I believe he deserves a healthy life and so do I. I hope beyond hope he will watch this and be validated. Because I was valudated with respect to my own relationship with my mother and his grandmother. I believe this cycle in my family line can and will be broken with my son and his daughter. Praise God. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this video. ❤
❤🩹💛🤍 🦾
The problem as a child with having a parent with a lack of boundaries and emotional control issues is that you learn NOT to express your anger or your point of view honestly because it only invites more retribution. My oldest sister learned to laugh at accidents in an attempt not to inflame our mother's anger. My other sister developed OCD trying to deal with our mother's random mood swings. I find it hard to make my needs known to a partner because I learned not to do so. After all, it might set off Mom or make her anger worse. The difficult problem for us all was the lack of self-awareness on our mother's part about her anger, and on the part of our father who went along with it in a codependent fashion.
Yes and I’ve spent years blaming myself for not ‘being more assertive’ as if I was just weak.
But being assertive then and since, has only ever caused me more damage. Now I look at the power dynamic and my position in it, before I analyse how I should respond.
@@annastone5624 it's a big deal to realize some fights are not worth it and that is not a bad realization. BTW, I'm always told I'm to sensitive and I am. I'm also 6 foot 2 inches and have brown eyes.
If anyone knows the show iCarly, the character Sam (Jenette McCurdy) just released a book called, "I'm Glad My Mom Died". It very aptly illustrates this concept of mothers being seen as virtuous only for their role of being a mother.
edit: I wrote my above comment before starting the video, and it turns out Dr Sage does mention McCurdy's book lol
😍😍 amazing that you made this connection before she started talked about it! I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to my roots and how I can heal, things start connecting, and connecting, and connecting and connecting.
I’m totally trauma bonded with my mom. My dad is a narcissist, but my mom has traits of narcissism too. But I’ve always been the emotional support system for my mom. She can’t rely on my dad for anything, so she dumps everything onto me. I’m in therapy for almost 3 years now, and I’m thankfully learning how to set boundaries. But it’s hard breaking this tie. My grandma did it to her, and she’s doing it to me. I now try to keep my distance from her, but it can be difficult since we live in the same house. I’m on the bottom level, and her and my dad are above me. But she tries to guilt me when she hasn’t heard from me. But I’m so exhausted by being around her that I need time to rest. She’s afraid to do anything without me beside her. I encouraged her to go to the senior citizen center, which she was trying to get me to go. I’m 34 years old, why would I want to go to a senior citizen center? Lol. She even asked the workers if I can go, and they of course said no. I’m too young lol. But she’s been going by herself, thankfully! But yesterday she asked if I would go with her to one of the ladies houses who invited her over from the center. This lady is 84. We’re 50 years apart lol. Granted, I do love speaking to older people. I think older people are very wise, and I always got along with older people more. But this lady is not my friend. My mom is just terrified to do things on her own. I have fearful avoidant attachment style, and my mom most def has it too. At times I really do feel sorry for her, because she can’t help it. My grandparents raised her to be this way, and she really doesn’t know any better. She did the best she could with raising my brother and I, but I needed more and it’s sad I didn’t get it. I think my dad has really gotten to her over the years. He’s very emotionally and mentally abusive. I’m 34, and I still tense up when I hear his voice. She’s very emotional and he was like a mute growing up. But if he got angry, forget it! I learned tactics growing up to always try and keep him calm, which no child should ever have to do. I also think he resents me, because of how close my mom is to me. I truly don’t think he wanted children. He’s said stuff to me growing up like “I always told your mom we should’ve just gotten dogs”. We have a bird that I can hear him to tell it that he loves it, but he has never told me or my brother that he loves us. Never played with us, nothing! My mom never even got an “I love you” from him. When we hear him say it to our bird, we look at each other like ”do you believe this?” Lol. But I really think he knocked her self esteem down lower. I do think she’s capable of getting better, but my dad stops her. She tried going to therapy, and that was war! She went for one session and cried her eyes out and then my dad told her she didn’t need it and stopped going. But she loves telling me all her problems. I told her “I’m sorry, but I can’t listen to your problems anymore. I’m not your therapist. If you need to speak to someone about your problems, go back to therapy”. It’s so draining! I also repeated the cycle with my ex. I literally re-enacted my parents relationship, but just with another person. I’m so glad I got away. What a miserable life I was living. I’m proud of myself for breaking the cycle. But enmeshment is exhausting! It’s something I have to fight to change every day, and some days I don’t win. But I’m just glad I’m awakened to what’s going on around me. I think it’s worse to be blind to it.
How insightful you are to your situation already 👏 that’s brilliant!
Wish I’d had that insight into my role played to my parents but am only learning & realising it now & the impact it’s had on me! I’m 49🫥
I'm 41, still living with narc parents after a breakup with a narcissistic bf.
Ok, 62 years here. I’m feeling it’s never to late to learn about narcissists. Let’s help each other. I know we can. We all need someone to bounce things off of. At least I do. 💕
It's life. U should LOVE ur mother. I'll find u will be enmeshed with anyone in life. People have personalities. Not everything is a disorder. Lol
I can relate to many parts of your story, and admire you for seeking out knowledge and growth. Sometimes the pain can increase when we realize the extent of the damage, but you’re right that it’s better than living blind. You’re doing great. Keep up the self love and compassion!
I'm at a new and weird stage. I had to deal with all that are in your comments I never went fully no contact, but I would avoid her for periods of time. She passed away on Thanksgiving day last year. It was only then that I felt that 1000 lbs weight lift away. It's weird, and sad, and I guess it's because I could never really help or "fix" her, or even help her to see what her issues were - though I gently tried. You can imagine what her reaction to that was. I don't worry about it too much, but it still feels weird and a bit guilt ridden that I only felt relief when she died at 82 years old, of old age. Strange, but I don't even miss her. That's what makes me feel guilty - society says that we should miss them.
Real sad part is emotional neglect becomes normal to a child when it grows up and it is either suffering from results of it or ends up in the loop of compulsive repetition, but with new partners.
I started watching these as a person with mom trauma... then became a woman who is constantly worried about / realised that its almost unprecentable to prevent mom trauma in my own personal relationship with my daughter! I have so much trauma! I try to be the best mum I can and I serve my daughter but God- the trauma just keeps coming from different funnels
I am repulsed by my mother and I am in charge of her life since she developed dementia. I Hate interacting with the nursing home caregivers that expect everyone to be close and nurturing with their mother.
And then they shame you "How can you treat/abandon your mother who gave you life and loved you".
My neighbor is 58 years old and was abandoned by her mother when she was 2 years old. She was raised by her paternal grandparents.
When her father died she inherited one apartment and her mother suddenly popped up in her life trying to make her way into the apartment. This woman, her biological mother, was basically a stranger. Not having her way she went on all institutions smearing her daughter that allowed her mother to pass necessity and had a house but didn't let her move in blablabla.
When the mother died my neighbor was contacted since she was the only family member alive. Due to respect she brought clothes and handled the funeral and was immediately tore down by people 'Now that your mother is dead you appear? Now you care? Your mother who gave you life?".
When she told these people she only met her mother in adulthood because she abanoded they were all shocked since this wasn't the narrative "mummy dearest" was preaching everywhere she went.
Tell the caregivers you've suffered incredibly after years of abuse from your mom, so you're having a tough time and may need some help getting through this. You may find that they understand more than you think.
Identity is so confusing when it feels like you spent a fraction of your childhood dodging ascribed, mostly false identities.
Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. This is something that can’t be explained to someone who hasn’t lived it. It is absolutely suffocating, as you said. These videos you are making are so validating. Again, thank you
Thank you for your kind words.🙏It feels good to hear that you feel validated, because that is what you always deserved.🙏🙏
Great to see attention being paid to the life challenges brought about by the enmeshment/trauma bonding with mothers. Also, not to forget the words of my ex wife and mother of our child “as a man you can never understand what it is like being a mother”. There was no amount of love and kindness I could ever show to our daughter that could match her being her “mom”. Constant minimizing at best, demeaning at worst. 🙁 There is hope for a new day, healthy and loving relationships with the help of CoDA and therapy. 😊
I am so sorry you had that experience - our children need and deserve all the love they can receive!
I'm sorry for your experience. I for one have always been on the search for a "surrogate" mother ready to give her my love. That of course is also unhealthy on my part but having grown up with a narcissistic mother where enmeshment with her was high, I just want med a mom who would love me. I'm not in that space now but it has taken me the majority of my life to get here. So sorry to hear how you were treated. I'm sure I would have loved you.
Mercy!!
My father died 30 years ago. The love and attention he gave me still warm my heart and give me courage to follow my dreams and not to give up. My mother is different. During her recent visit, she told me that I was too fat and that my furniture was too ugly.
@@sonjak8265 that's a lovely thing to read about your dad. It reminded me of what I can do right now for my children. As a child from an emotionally and physically abusive family I grew up into an adult wanting to not follow in my family's footsteps with my kids but the internal messed up thinking that my childhood had left me with, and the fact that having never had a role model who can show what it is to love a child, it's an extra step to remind myself how best to be. It would be so much easier if I just was naturally came from a place where I was rooted and confidently self-assertive so that I didn't have to think post hoc. As for what your mum said to you, sorry to hear it. Same as my mother and as she for older it got worse.
Following the death of my mom, this video resonates with me for sure. Thank you Kim so much!!
I didn't even realize what I was living in until my mother died when i was 50 years old and now I'm not sure who I am anymore. I've been in therapy for 2 years and it's been so hard emotionally exhausting if you will. I've read Jeannette McCurdy book and it took me a while because I could only read a little at a time and I would have to put it down and come back to it later. I think I knew things weren't right as a child but I didn't know why and I was constantly trying to make things better for her. I could go on and on but thank you for this video, I couldn't agree more with what you've said.
Ooof, the beginning triggered me to no end, until I caught on to the sarcasm.
I don't find many videos on this topic on RUclips . Please please please keep posting.
My mum never understood me & never tried. She had a hard life & was always too busy to do anything with my eleven siblings and me. I got to raise myself & later mothered myself in ways that she couldn't. As a result, I am probably better off knowing how to survive.
This video came "out of The blue" to My phone while I was listening another video. So helpfull to hear. My mother is really negative person and I have found that it's easy to start speaking The same way than she does. Thank you for this video 🙏 My english is not so perfect, I live in Northern Europe. 🧡
One day Ill get a call that my mother has died and I will fall to my knees and scream THANK YOU JESUS! I get absolutely estactic just thinking about it
Even when they’re physically gone they never leave your brain no matter how hard or how long you try. Sometimes it even gets worse 😵😢😵
Mothers can be unbelievably damaging - especially if they're consumed with hatred and vengeance toward the father of their children. My own mother was so consumed with those things that she was completely blind to the damage to my character and spirit every time she was triggered by any little behavior that resembled my dad. Made me hate him as well as myself, and I never saw it.
I never saw it either. Until I did- and now, there is no going back.
My mom was verbal about it. I'm almost 24 and I still remember what she said as a child.
I was hated (narcissistic jealousy) my sister is so enmeshed she doesn't have a separate sense of self. It's eerie and actually frightening. I wish I wasn't hated, I wish I had a healthy mother but in what I call "the lesser of two evils of trauma" I'm grateful for it
Sorry to hear that you went through this growing up. I was emeshed as well but with my therapist help I broke free
Sounds like my husband and his brother. Mom totally subsumed my husband (younger son) and hated her older son. He is now a narcissistic monster and my husband is still struggling to cut the cord with his mother, at 60. It’s painful to see and live through it.
All of these things listed, I experienced, learned, and worked hard to heal the inner child trauma bond wounding with the emeshment of my mother’s narcissism and traumas. Unbeknownst to me, I was her therapist, a (unhealthy) confidant, and the youngest of her children. Not to mention being a girl and having expectations of serving my parents aka fiel piety. It has been a hell of a journey. Now, I am 46 years old, a holistic healer, with a MSW, yoga, meditation and energy healing certifications. Though, I will never get the opportunity to heal the connection with my mom through therapy (she’s too much into her own grief and trauma), so I had to accept my role to become a healer/therapist. Thank you for this video full of informative things to look for! 🙏❤️😊
Bless you for posting this during Canadian thanksgiving! This period and Christmas and Easter and Mother’s Day are all big triggers for me. I’m in no contact with my mother and I have so much guilt because she’s old and isolated but at the same time, now I care too much about myself to put through the lies and pretending again. Once I got free of her (about 2 years ago after a narcissistic rage episode) I truly began to heal. Incidentally, I was diagnosed with neuroendocrine cancer a few years back. I feel like this happened because my nervous system was so jacked for my entire childhood and beyond because I never felt safe. In terms of my health, I really felt like it was a choice of either continuing to play the dutiful daughter and abandoning myself and my health or taking the opportunity to get better and become the person I would have been if I didn’t have to be the parent of my parents as a kid. Thank you for your videos. This is such important work. ❤
Thanksgiving is to thank god for the environment earth, not your parents. 😉💚 P.S. And christmas to cherish Jesus in your religion and not your parents.
I am so truly sorry that your mind and body, as a child and adult, have been through so much. And I am so glad you chose yourself, you are so worthy of feeling well and good, and finally free.💗💗
Mine passed on recently while l was already maintaining low contact.The morning l got the news l knew from how l felt in my body.lt was this relief,weight off my back.l had to question myself it’s okay to feel this way .I realised she was so into my nervous system because while l mourn the parent l wish l had ,l have so much calm and peace.I feel better loving her in spirit unconditionally.
Yes to an attachment series Dr Sage. I would love to understand more how/if we can change attachment styles through different challenges and changes in childhood. And how we can seem to revert to different styles around different people. Thank you for another insightful video, and sending love to you in your own healing too ❤️
Thank you for being here and for the great feedback about the course! Healing love back this weekend too!💗
I identify with this video SO MUCH! As a child, existed solely for my parents - and when they retired, expected me to do even MORE for them! Need to get my life back.
It's unbelievable how some parents love to turn their kids into servants emotional and otherwise. Like wtf you don't do your own piece and let me do mine!
See when I was in my mid 20's i moved out of the house and still didn't break free of them until I was almost 30 sad situation.. but ... I am living a semi normal life now you know how it goes
My mom joking calls me her best servant...
@@Saar114 I identify - literally my mother's dying words to me were: "You were a good boy - you never caused me any problems".
@@gregoryritchie7852So she never saw you as a separate person than? Only as the good boy...even as a adult :s
i feel guilty if i try to separate. I feel guilty like a bad person. My mom finds that if you are family / related you are required to be in eachothers life forever. Like you signed a binding contract. A therapist said they probably installed a feeling of guilt in me for wanting to inviduate because of their own fear of being left.
This really does resonate with me. It’s the best video I have seen on here. I’m 55 and just about starting to develop. I’m still coping with trauma bond though 😢.
Thank you so much for this video.
I've done a lot of work in therapy and personally over many years. It's been a surprise to keep on find layers and layers, I peel one away and think I reached some kind of peace then suddenly new thoughts and feelings appear. I am at the rage stage, all that anger long suppressed and numbed, I want to ask how do you get past 'stuck' I don't quite know what to do with all thing anger that has appeared. It's not a subject that seems to get covered much - how to cope with the unleashed rage. Also with EMDR my therapist said it's only really useful for a short term or one off event, not long term sustained trauma such as childhood over many years, what are your thoughts on that? Thank you fro the effort you put into these presentations.
That's interesting to hear, thanks for sharing it. I did NOT do well with EMDR even though I chose a therapist who was supposedly a master level and conducted training seminars for it. She overloaded me every session and I would be engulfed in a sobbing trauma response, but she never explained to me how to handle it. I thought I was supposed to go in to it to somehow "work it out of my system." Then she started avoiding letting me do EMDR by getting me to just talk and talk until there was no time left. I felt totally ripped off because I had to pay her for nothing. Later, after finding a Christian form of trauma release therapy that actually works, I found out the first therapist had been overloading me by using both visual and tactile bilaterals and running them way, way too fast. Now I wonder if part of it was also because my issues stem from CPTSD from narcissistic parents rather than PTSD from a specific trauma event?
This is so narly! This is So my love. 💥 I pray she finds this video and your guidance to well being. I am pure love and she doesn’t even know what that is.
What a great video.
We don't owe them for taking care of us when young (or not). That's your job and responsibly when you decide to have a child. We don't have to earn that.
My perspective is I’m an old soul and I reincarnated through the people that I happen to be born from.
That simple fact brings me peace and makes being non contact with those individuals perfect enough for me.
And….all things that I need like love , intelligence, etc all come through working on my mind , body, and immediate surroundings via my ancient practices that I’ve been doing for many life times like kungfu taichi yoga and meditation.
Remember you’re not alone and although digging into your shadow is tough, you are the special light .
Believe it or not 🙏
I think we should start calling it Mauma (Mom Trauma).. sounds just like momma so why not? lol
What I also realize is this perversion inside me, I kinda needed to feel bad in order to feel good. I enjoyed toxic situations as a teen and had my fair share of bad partners bc this feeling of decadent yet attractive was all that made me feel alive.
Now I’m over it but wow. It was such a ride and it all really happened from being enmeshed and neglected at the same time.
She died in September of last year.i loved my mom and still do it just is a lot of peace and weight lifting from me. I've been trying to shake the hyper vigilant damage borne reaction. It helps that you have gone through a similar situation. I appreciate your candor in sharing your experience. I worked in the mental health field as a counselor for a decade and more when my dad died and I was blindsided with having to face just what kind of kept my head in the sand within my own family. My dad ran interference for a lot of her dysfunction and I was 40 years old when I had to finally see that truth. Turns out my mom was diagnosed with BPD and histrionic in the 80s I had a good therapist who pointed out she seemed to also have high narcissist tendencies. And that I had been was still being emotionally abused. It's a lot to unpack and I just want to get through this and over it ASAP because I still have a habit of feeling that need to justify apologize or explain everything I am or do. And I'm almost fifty years old. It sucks. Watching McCurdy and Barrymore filled me up with a mix of old familiar ache and a bubbling up of being really understood and not so alone. Your channel as well. Thank you. 💗
Thankyou so much, I felt the culmination of this weight on my kinesiologist table I literally couldn't get up and lately I struggle with this heavy Mother energy so much, I need help I'm getting no where many blessings 🌈🌈🌈♒♒♒☮️🎶🎵🎶
It’s a huge step to feel and recognize the weight.
I've been doing the inner work and healing but today I was literally screaming "How do you forgive your narcissistic mother? The one who claimed to love you while inflicting damage in ways that I cannot fix? My mother has been dead since 2011. I went no contact with her in 2010. The smear campaign she launched against me is still ongoing. My daughter and niece will not talk to me, as well as several others in the"family". I'm so angry at her. The damage she inflicted was not warranted. Normally I don't even think about it but now that I'm doing the ancestral healing, it's time to really heal. I'll check out your other videos. I guess today I'm thankful the A I was listening and recommended your channel ❤️
It hits you like a ton of bricks when the light bulb comes on it your head about what really took place in your lifetime... True the person that is supposed to be protecting you from harm is the one harming you. So Sick!! It's like snatching the foundation from under you that you entire life is build on. It was like my whole life was lie. Everyone new it but my family members - relatives.. looking at me like I was an idiot.
Thank you, Dr. Kim! I had the same emotional flashback experience with Jennette's book.
My 86 year old NM lives 10 minutes away, she had a hip replaced this week and I have been at the hospital , taking her to pre op appointments, staying with her and my stress level is so high. She is very demanding and demeaning. I am a 61 year old women , I work full time, married and have children and grandchildren, and I attempt to give her lots of space, and give myself lots of time to heal, but when around her for a length of time I go on high alert and I see so many red flags and I do get very irritated by her . What would be the best course to take for healing and to make myself feel safe and regulated. I have to go see her this AM before work and I am praying it all goes well. The guilt and manipulative tactics she uses with me are so difficult. I am her only daughter and child, ( my brother died in 2021). I appreciate what you are sharing here.
Mine reminded me how i was a mistake in her life. Not all mothers want children and some have them because of society pressure or family. Seeing how I went through abuse all my life as a child in the 90s 2000s I was definitely not wanted. 😢 theres a picture of when I was born, my mother just had me and after having me she left me in a baby cot at hospital and went straight back to work she brought her nursing uniform with her to hospital and after having me she went straight back to work. When she showed me that picture I cried because I had no idea my mother was neglecting me as a baby and cared more about her nursing job than being a mother to me. Thanks for the video
I am age 64.. i have had a traumatic Life since childhood on. I never will be Muother Daughter closeness ..i try hard.. but so much Damages done .. my mom is nearely 82..she lives in Clarksville Tn with my Sister Lori.. i cannot tell you the Dage was done to mr as a child.. i am oldest of her 6 kids.. i had my Gay Brother Kill himself in 1993. Moms never ever Apologized to any of us Ever!! i raised a Daughter and a Son. I millions of times told them i am sorry i was not a great parent when they was growing up.... inwas raied atnage 6 Famijy friend. Then molested from 8-11. by my moms Dad. My moms Dad. He molested moms 4 girls.. mom had 4 girls two Boys. Alls still alive today but Bobby.. i would love to write a book. But have no idea or the money to write one.. i know it would cause my mom to disown me.. i have never knew what normal is.. i was in 2 domestic ciolence karriages.. past 1 was 20 years long my suns dad whos dead today.. my daughters daddy was age 16-19.. he died from a muscle disease.. i 23 years ago remarried. Hes good to me.. i apmetimes wished i had stayed alone.. i am till April 6,2023. i turn 65.. i have never held a job much. Mainly private house keeping.. i never got enough Ss Credits to retire or cannot get medicare. I did stay in last marriage to raise my 2 kids.. i did best i knew how.. i have lived in Therapy most of my life.. Thank you for your Video.. this Hit home with me..i only call my mom in Tn only a week. Shes very stressful to talk too. I have deep seated anger.. other feelings.. My parents were very toxic. My dad was and alcoholic he left mom when i was little and my brother Bobby top. Me and Bobby helped raise care for our Sibblings.. my Mom. Worked bet was distant with us kids we raised ourselves..Mom was bad about sleeping around with married men.. i will leave this here.. i always stayed clearr of married men when i dated years ago..
you read me like a book. thank you for your videos, this is helping me so much. 🙏🏻
Wow I am 59 yrs old and It has been revealed to me that I have been enabling narc😢I had a relationship with a woman for last 6 yrs I’ve left 3 times she would chase me around and I would go back I just left 4time a month ago and through this experience I now realize my mom is a narcissist and I’m from Maine I’ve been here my life I think God is nudging me to go no contact and even move to a different state
9:14 I was a people pleaser, I did the job my parents said, I did not go to college BC they said you can't. But they were RELIGIOUS TOO but faught like cats and dogs at home. Nice front to community.
I'm kind of afraid to read her book because I know I'll feel... everything? Have to set aside a week to go on a bender 🥴 also your cat is adorbs
A huge realization, for me, was...my need to numb, avoid, minimize, my hard feelings... was me doing the same that had been done to me.
Me not holding space for the feelings that are, not showing up...but being like caregivers who abandoned, neglected, invalidated me, my emotions.
Once I saw that, I couldn't unsee it. I have vowed, since then, to treat myself like a small child. I use to overeat, drink, and many other avoidance, self abuse, numbing strategies. Seeing it as the self betrayal it is, was huge.
I'd never give my child more food to get them to not feel...I'd never give them alcohol to not feel...I would sit with them, hug them if they wanted, listen, just be. As I've learned to do this with myself, it has been a process of "reparenting" that has been life changing.
I've worked on a lot of other aspects, core wound work, emotional regulation, questioning the narratives, calling out cognitive distortions...but one of the most powerful, has been to show up for myself, in self advocacy, like for a small child. Allow the feelings and have ways to regulate through them. In this way, we no longer abandon ourselves...the way others have. We can chose differently and flip the script.
Yes, it's really triggering on many levels, but also validating that there are so many versions of moms like that...Coco says thank you lol💗💗
@@Alphacentauri819 Such beautiful insights and truths, thank you for sharing.💗💗
@@DrKimSage 💕thank you for all you do as well. You are bringing light and hope into the world.
I chose to never have kids because of my mother. She will do no inner work, and seeks no therapist. She is stuck in fear and blame.
I sincerely am indifferent to her, same story over and over again. The story doesn't go away, and she won't get help. 50.... I healed but don't want to be around her. She is BPD,.. I did years of work to have inner peace. I care for so many people but she is the boy who cried wolf , same lies, same story. I can't fall for it any more. Draining , and exhausting.
I would beg my mother to tell me WHY SHE HATED ME. I didn’t and still don’t understand why and it broke my heart
Lord Jesus Christ Holy Spirit I need to move forward from narcissism within the family please remove, cleanse, clear, heal and balance this pain so I can be healed from the pain of my mother. I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse ready to move forward. I am ready for a new living situation in a good feeling loving environment.
This was so helpful to hear. I've been no contact for 4 years from my mom - with therapy - also married 2 abusive narcs for 27 years. 4 years solo now, 3 sober!!! Trying to find who I am. Extremely helpful to hear that you have gone through the same journey. 56 and re-parenting, yoga, meditation, learning, listening, and trying to be aware of old habits. I want more insight to your healing. Thank you for sharing that you also regressed, ups and downs for me as well. Makes me feel like there is a light and hope to trust again. Gratitude, love and kindness to all of us who are trying to re-build! 3 siblings, we were all enmeshed, addicted and basically messed up with zero self confidence - total martha stewart mother - we could never be good enough - really good to be away from her - the most challenging life adventure ever and so worth it!
I really needed this video tonight. Thank you.
Avoidant. Guillain Barre at 10 years old, total neuromuscular failure from fear of my mother, who then became caregiver. Dissociated 95% of the time. Seemingly functional, successful even. Was told I was selfish, so self-care and self-love are extremely difficult for me. Have used lots of healing modalities and am healing, but damn. Damn. 54 years young and so very tired.
Neuromuscylar failure from fear.. Have the same.. Sending love, healing is possible! 💚
My mother wanted me to be her best friend like a sister.She even starting at age 9 and up,help her in her relationship and her friends husbands. Relationships😢 and we could not be sad or angry,she thought she was a bad mom if this happen.
Same here. I wasn’t allowed to be sad because my mom would take it as a personal attack. I always had to act happy or else she would be upset.
This is strange to me as the puzzle pieces don't really fit. I really don't believe my mother is narcissistic in any way, she can self-reflect and wants to do well, while I do believe she has raised me through a level of manipulation (due to a lack of other tools, so she played on my conscience with guilt). I can primarily see that I was likely too much of her confidant/sounding board and had to grow up way too quickly (she was always so proud of my honesty, autonomy, and wiseness). I have all the symptoms described in the video
Same with me. She's not narcissist but burdening me with her emotional needs.
right, they can have tendencies but not have a formal clinical issue. however, most of the time the types of issues it brings up in the child are just the same, regardless of the mother receiving a formal diagnosis. these things with our parents can be very covert, and in their own immaturity and neediness, they become toxic and it screws with your reality at some points; for me it does at least.
Wow, you really resonate with me. I’m 42 and just know coming to terms with my narcissist mother. I’m in therapy and it’s been an amazing ride. Wish I had discovered your content first. Thanks for sharing
My mother’s favourite type of a child was a child who would love their own abusive parent. And I became one. As I was conditioned to feel like an essence of evil if I would feel anger and would want to stop getting hurt. This twisted mindfuck she served me made me literally feel terrified of my own self protective feelings and so there was no way to stop abuse because basically abuser didn’t exist- abuse was sort of anonymous and the abuser was innocent and love worthy in my conditioning scheme. Needles to say that I almost died when I finally escaped since I only felt paranoid self fear and gut wrenching guilt for the mere attempt to see abuse and feel anger at the abuser and to try to escape cognitive dissonance.
Felt this ….well said!
As I'm getting older I come to understand my mom's behavior and situation better than I did in the past.
Nonetheless still copying with the trauma she inflicted on me because of her own wounds and perceptions.
Feels like in this life suffering is part of it and we have to deal and live with it...
1. Power inbalance 4:16
2. Lack of trust, attachment patterns 10:00
3. Reparenting 11:23
4. Numb emotions 12:11
wow this has helped me so much, thank you. God made sure this was recommended to me this morning 🙌 I've been struggling to understand my relationship with my abusive mother and why I still feel the need to be close to her and have approval after everything she did.. I had heard of truma bonding but in the context of romantic relationships and never thought it could apply to parent-child relationships (idk why it just didnt, makes sense now though 😅) so thank you I will look into this more. I really feel like it will help 😊
I can relate. I'm near 50 and because of the abuse and never getting approval from my mother I still seek approval as an adult but from others. Trying to please them to be loved and accepted. Still looking for reassurance.
The beginning, thank you!!! I’m so tired of it. As a non mom I get so tired of the automatic and endless praise for moms.
Me too. I’m sick of it.
Thank you so much for making these videos and sharing your own experiences, I feel so seen and understood it's like someone finally knows what I'm going through, what I have gone through and gives me courage to keep loving myself and stand by myself
My mother was always in her head and separating herself from everyone . This was traumatic because she just weans there at all . I tried to play scrabble with her but she wouldn't be present while we were playing .
This is an AMAZING video!!! I can’t thank you enough. You are a gift from God!
Always seeking safety…. Oooph! Ain’t that the truth!
I'm almost 34 and the enmeshment with my mom is getting worse. She's getting so desperate to share and overshare and it freaks me out because I SWEAR she never used to be like this.
You need to get away before you end up destroying your life
You have explained narcissistic enmeshment so skillfully!! Just about everyone has been exposed to this situation.
You Hit everything on the nail 🔨🎯 My childhood was just as you described and I'm still working on changing.
This is really helpful. I've been on a journey of healing for years. This feels so relevent to me. I'm almost completely estranged, it's the only way to heal. I'm 46 this year and I relate so much to this. Particularly that weight! Thank you X
Thank you so much !!! Eye opener ❤️