Yes parents need help or intervention before they destroy there kids( only so much a child will cope until they break ) myself . Trouble is parents arnt aware there sick
Yup! That's my mom. I would often get in trouble for being sad, angry, or upset. As I got older, she wanted to be "best friends" and it creeped me out as a 13, 14 year old coming into my independence. Spot on. She'll still say things now to me, as an adult like... "You're the light of my life! Come on!" if I go quiet because I got uncomfortable on the phone for some reason. It's super invalidating and it's why I'm medium/low contact. I love my mother and have accepted she is an imperfect human and she's never going to change. Some part of me never seems to give up hope my mother is capable of giving me the validation I always needed, but that's a void I have to accept she's not capable of filling.
I'm sorry to hear this. That's difficult. I like that you point out that "some part of me never seems to give up hope my mother is capable of giving me the validation I always needed...." I know a lot of people who feel this way and I think that's a common longing that may be fulfilled as you both age (in some situations) and in others, not so much. Sadly.
You are doing incredible by holding the parent accountable of the crimes they commit towards the children because any kind of abuse is considered criminal in our society but often the society don't want to consider kids as individuals who have different interests to their parents until being 18. Even if said interests are severely unhealthy. Just great content
Someone slipped and hit the thumbs down OR related too much and couldn't handle it. 🤫 Thank you love.💚 My husband's mother is like this. Everything you mentioned and he has suffered the consequences for years.
🤗 thank you. I'm glad this is helpful. It's difficult to manage a marriage with a spouse who has suffered under such a parent. Some make it out, while others become that parent.
Parents like this have to create their own reality bcs the truth of who they are is too hideous. My mum didn't work but she never played with me as a child, and if I asked her the answer was always the same "I don't have time." I now know that she meant "You're not worth my time, and playing silly games is a waste of my lofty intellect" (that kind of honesty would wreck her self-image as a caring, diligent mother who adored her children, and children in general!)
I'm sorry to hear this. This is exactly what I am talking about. It's an unhealth parent-child relationship created by an unavailable parent. Thank you for sharing this.
This is the best advice to help unconfused me so far. You even have a name to what this is . My mother used to have this saying in her head and I don’t no where I heard her say was .my girls are good girls so I don’t have to be at home because they won’t get up to no good ( at a very young age) then her neglect (not being there) it will make them stronger . But they wouldn’t say the words but would tell others we love our girls . But actions were horrible . My mother says to others she loves me but when I got home from high school ( no friends lonely) start crying my mother looked blanked what are you crying about then walked away . Never asked me again . I never cried or went to my mother for anything but she loved me :polarising. All the things you listed I went threw that . It was extreme.
Thank you! I'm glad this was helpful and resonated with you. That's the goal for sure. As I stated in other replies to your story - your parents were not real parents. They were carriers of genes and brought you into this world but not parents. It's so disheartening when an innocent child expects a parent but gets two unstable and confused adults to grow up with. So sad.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes I couldn’t even cry or think one tiny little thought growing up . I thought they could read my mind . I told my fiancé why did my parents trick adults in my small community or there work environment that we were loved. Side they would tell them stuff and acted like they were the best providers but at home it was neglect and abuse . People would be told by my dad that he was proud of me because I was excellent in sport and academic because I loved books and enjoyed sport but he wouldn’t say my daughter won’t talk to me (lived in my home and stopped talking for ten years from age 10 all threw high school) because he grabbed my head and held me down squashing me in to a chopping board cause I ask my dad what’s was he cooking . That was the moment my soul broke . I sat on the porch and I said to God . God I’m not going to tell my parents why I’m stopping talking but I’m letting my dad go in my heart . I’m breaking the bond between us like I’m burying him . I’m 41 and I still don’t talk to my dad . I said to God he won he finally broke me I’m no longer his daughter . Isn’t that sad that as a child I had to live with a father that I had to bury in my soul just to survive .
I can speak from my experience, My bpd mother is a truly demon. She is 80 now, she has not changed. I would recommend to run away from this kind of people and go no contact
My sister would pull her hair out and not eat and I would fantasied about suicide all the time . I needed my dads help one morning and I never really went to him but this morning I did . I walked out the room saying follow me and thinking he was going too. Instead he pulled out the belt and turned it around to the buckle end and started sacking me . He said don’t ever come to me again . I was so confused cause he would tell others if anyone hurt my kids I would kill them .
I would have fantasies of the way I would kill myself . I used to daydream my parents would find me after work hanging in the garage with a note saying I did the job for you . Instead of hurting me slowly I hurt myself for you. Instead of pretending to love me you are free now . You’ll probably glad I removed myself from your life and then after reading the note they would smile .
cj Rodgers, thank you for sharing this because I think a lot of people think these things don't happen. I'm also very sorry. These were not parents in the good sense of the word. It sounds like a very traumatic situation and it's a miracle that you made it through that. Suicide was most likely an escape for you. An island away from the pain. Sounds like traumatic bonding with your father also. He road both sides of the fence (good dad and bad dad).
@@Marie-vo8dr wow that relationship between mother and her mother is my mother situation . She recently said to her mother at 60 mum did you no dad was doing things she said she knew and didn’t care cause apparently as a little girl she said something that hurt her mother feeling so she said you hurt me and I didn’t like you like my mother didn’t like me . I’ve paid a paid price for my parents parenting me . Cause my parents are sick but Tamara is here for us she explained polarisation and It helped me to put things in to order in my head . I always think my mum has 3 mental states too lol I don’t think I’ll ever get over my childhood it was so mentally damaging I think I was always on flight or fight mode never peace mode . Thank you for sharing I cannot wait to see what Tamara explains next I always get so excited when she post cause it’s always timing cause I’ll have things on my mind that needs to stop
@@TherapistTamaraHill both parents lol Double Dungeon of madness I call it. Yeah come think of it good parent and bad parent that’s confusing growing up
Wow, life with my mother wrapped up in a 14 min video. I wish I had the Internet when I was a child and could have seen this or found other information to help myself. For the longest time, I thought all mothers were like this and it was acceptable.
I'm sorry to hear this. These parents are so dominant sometimes that they "paint" the child's world and awareness with a tarnished image of motherhood/fatherhood. It isn't uncommon for kids to believe their parent is like many other parents in the world. It isn't until they seek counseling, experience another kind of mother in the world, or gain knowledge (as you have in this video) that they realize..."oh, so my mother/father was sick?" Very common.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Yes exactly. I had some seeds planted over the years from good interactions with friends parents but I also thought they were faking it and a good actress like my mother. So I didn’t really think that was real either. Then I got out into the world as a young adult and “wow!”. Years later after no contact and blocking emails etc I am still in therapy making sense of it all and putting pieces of the puzzle together. I found your video on the psychopathic mother very interesting as well. I’m not alone... this is a thing (unfortunately). Finding specific info on that has been difficult. Usually it’s referring to an extreme case (male in prison etc), never the stay at home psychopathic mother who has a target on the back of her only child. Thank you for taking a step outside the box to help educate on this rarely discussed situation!
Oh, when you said about babies and the BPD mother.... *"Immediately when they require something of you, they devalue you."* Yes! So in point! That's the narcissistic side of BPD. Their feelings tend to be facts to them. And if they don't *feel* good about you, they cannot be reasoned with. Even if you say something innocent that inadvertently triggers them, their feelings will be *"you hurt me on purpose and that's a fact!"* Long ago I had a friend who ranted everyday about being stuck at their parents house at 42 yrs old. I got frantic messages about how either they were gonna die or the parents were gonna die. It was constant. But a good thing happened and a windfall came in. As a good friend I responded *"YAY! you can leave now, get an inexpensive reliable car and still have rent for a new place for an entire year! That's awesome!"* Well since this person wasn't planning to leave and wanted to spend all the money on a brand new car, unbeknownst to me, I triggered shame in them. Now, I was the bad guy, even though on my end, I was just being happy and supportive of a friend. So I get a slew of texts that I'm horrible and "go away". That's the hardest part, I think. You can never pin point what will be twisted or how comments will be twisted in their minds. So you can hardly ever avoid it. Feelings = facts for them. Luckily, I didn't take it personally because I already knew that this person had BPD. It's sad to want love but not know how to receive it. It must be a very painful struggle for them. They can heal if they are willing to put in the work, so that's good news. I wish everyone a wonderful journey to healing. Tamara, thanks for the excellent video.😊❤️ Edit; I have to say this, my comment isn't about *all* people who suffer with BPD.
And it's still happening....After one vile episode (among countless), I finally spoke about the anger I feel towards 'her' today. Sharing is the only way with this stuff.
My brother is schizophrenic and I am bipolar. My mom is so sweet but super overbearing. She let's My brother abuse the whole family then gets mad at us when we stand up to him or anything. It's almost as if she doesn't want him to get better just so that he always depends on her. I have resented her alot for it. And my dad just there doesn't really do much to stop it. Kind of like he wants to keep the peace himself. And no one sees the damage this has done. I know my mother had a brother who was schizophrenic as well so maybe she just used to being that overprotective overbearing mother. But what about the damage it has done to the rest of the family ? He can literally wake up one day and decide go hurt one of them but we should keep it quiet and leave it in God's hands. I'm over it. She lives in a delusional world.
I mean I'm 23 and I found out my mum is sick some weeks ago thanks to psychotherapy. She doesn't have a diagnosis but I recognize all the behaviors. I still live with her and it's so hard honestly. All I've been through.... Wasn't my fault. She always makes me feel like I'm an ungrateful, bad child, even if she says she loves me so much. She talks about death all the time, she hasn't directly hurt herself but she always says she's risking to die and me and my brother do too; completely traumatizing us. As a kid, I grew up with many many psychosomatic symptoms: throwing up all the time as a kid, difficulty sleeping, nervous cough, difficulty with anger, I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease at 22. I've felt void all my life and thought I was broken. It's so so hurtful but validating too. I found a very understanding therapist who lets me write her notes between sessions so my feelings get validated because I've always been neglected. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this.
Thank you!! I don't mind as long as copyright is correct. I had someone else do this to my videos, re-upload with no credit/permission, and RUclips penalized their channel. RUclips is rather strict with copied or shared content!!
@@TherapistTamaraHill I totally understand. But I was going to share it with an associate, person to person; not on social media. This video is applicable to their experiences. I know what you mean though, I've had it happen to me.
It's a shame when that happens. I wouldn't want you to get a copyright strike from RUclips if you share imcorrectly which is why I mentioned it. Your content is valuable as well.
Yes fr I will never forgive her ,ppl still tease me for it ,she had me on medication and it got out ,all the kids called me slow ,Down syndrome etc n she didnt give two fcks!
it's embarrassing to say when you are 37 almost 38 and people swear you hit the next age already smh but my mom was an alcoholic and not emotionally availible. She 2ae never motherly love and also had an issue with alcohol but to be so ignorant and foolish that it's not your fault is selfish thinking which my parent is. Also excuse me but straight hair? lmao. Nice cute curly hair
After 12 years in the field I recognize that so many kids have parents who need help. We need more child therapists in the world.
Yes parents need help or intervention before they destroy there kids( only so much a child will cope until they break ) myself . Trouble is parents arnt aware there sick
@@cjrodgers3922 Agree!
I live in a rural community with no access to mental health services. Your videos are life saving, can't thank you enough. ❤️
Thank you Lexi. 😊I'm really glad these videos are helpful. I used to work in a rural area so I know exactly what you mean.
Yup! That's my mom. I would often get in trouble for being sad, angry, or upset. As I got older, she wanted to be "best friends" and it creeped me out as a 13, 14 year old coming into my independence. Spot on. She'll still say things now to me, as an adult like... "You're the light of my life! Come on!" if I go quiet because I got uncomfortable on the phone for some reason. It's super invalidating and it's why I'm medium/low contact. I love my mother and have accepted she is an imperfect human and she's never going to change. Some part of me never seems to give up hope my mother is capable of giving me the validation I always needed, but that's a void I have to accept she's not capable of filling.
I'm sorry to hear this. That's difficult. I like that you point out that "some part of me never seems to give up hope my mother is capable of giving me the validation I always needed...." I know a lot of people who feel this way and I think that's a common longing that may be fulfilled as you both age (in some situations) and in others, not so much. Sadly.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you for your response! It's good to know it's common, albeit unfortunate.
You are doing incredible by holding the parent accountable of the crimes they commit towards the children because any kind of abuse is considered criminal in our society but often the society don't want to consider kids as individuals who have different interests to their parents until being 18. Even if said interests are severely unhealthy. Just great content
Someone slipped and hit the thumbs down OR related too much and couldn't handle it. 🤫
Thank you love.💚 My husband's mother is like this. Everything you mentioned and he has suffered the consequences for years.
🤗 thank you. I'm glad this is helpful.
It's difficult to manage a marriage with a spouse who has suffered under such a parent. Some make it out, while others become that parent.
Parents like this have to create their own reality bcs the truth of who they are is too hideous. My mum didn't work but she never played with me as a child, and if I asked her the answer was always the same "I don't have time." I now know that she meant "You're not worth my time, and playing silly games is a waste of my lofty intellect" (that kind of honesty would wreck her self-image as a caring, diligent mother who adored her children, and children in general!)
I'm sorry to hear this. This is exactly what I am talking about. It's an unhealth parent-child relationship created by an unavailable parent. Thank you for sharing this.
This is the best advice to help unconfused me so far. You even have a name to what this is . My mother used to have this saying in her head and I don’t no where I heard her say was .my girls are good girls so I don’t have to be at home because they won’t get up to no good ( at a very young age) then her neglect (not being there) it will make them stronger . But they wouldn’t say the words but would tell others we love our girls . But actions were horrible . My mother says to others she loves me but when I got home from high school ( no friends lonely) start crying my mother looked blanked what are you crying about then walked away . Never asked me again . I never cried or went to my mother for anything but she loved me :polarising. All the things you listed I went threw that . It was extreme.
Thank you! I'm glad this was helpful and resonated with you. That's the goal for sure. As I stated in other replies to your story - your parents were not real parents. They were carriers of genes and brought you into this world but not parents. It's so disheartening when an innocent child expects a parent but gets two unstable and confused adults to grow up with. So sad.
@@TherapistTamaraHill yes I couldn’t even cry or think one tiny little thought growing up . I thought they could read my mind . I told my fiancé why did my parents trick adults in my small community or there work environment that we were loved. Side they would tell them stuff and acted like they were the best providers but at home it was neglect and abuse . People would be told by my dad that he was proud of me because I was excellent in sport and academic because I loved books and enjoyed sport but he wouldn’t say my daughter won’t talk to me (lived in my home and stopped talking for ten years from age 10 all threw high school) because he grabbed my head and held me down squashing me in to a chopping board cause I ask my dad what’s was he cooking . That was the moment my soul broke . I sat on the porch and I said to God . God I’m not going to tell my parents why I’m stopping talking but I’m letting my dad go in my heart . I’m breaking the bond between us like I’m burying him . I’m 41 and I still don’t talk to my dad . I said to God he won he finally broke me I’m no longer his daughter . Isn’t that sad that as a child I had to live with a father that I had to bury in my soul just to survive .
I'm so sorry.💔 I pray you heal from this emotional torture.
I can speak from my experience, My bpd mother is a truly demon.
She is 80 now, she has not changed.
I would recommend to run away from this kind of people and go no contact
My sister would pull her hair out and not eat and I would fantasied about suicide all the time . I needed my dads help one morning and I never really went to him but this morning I did . I walked out the room saying follow me and thinking he was going too. Instead he pulled out the belt and turned it around to the buckle end and started sacking me . He said don’t ever come to me again . I was so confused cause he would tell others if anyone hurt my kids I would kill them .
I would have fantasies of the way I would kill myself . I used to daydream my parents would find me after work hanging in the garage with a note saying I did the job for you . Instead of hurting me slowly I hurt myself for you. Instead of pretending to love me you are free now . You’ll probably glad I removed myself from your life and then after reading the note they would smile .
cj Rodgers, thank you for sharing this because I think a lot of people think these things don't happen. I'm also very sorry. These were not parents in the good sense of the word. It sounds like a very traumatic situation and it's a miracle that you made it through that. Suicide was most likely an escape for you. An island away from the pain. Sounds like traumatic bonding with your father also. He road both sides of the fence (good dad and bad dad).
@@Marie-vo8dr wow that relationship between mother and her mother is my mother situation . She recently said to her mother at 60 mum did you no dad was doing things she said she knew and didn’t care cause apparently as a little girl she said something that hurt her mother feeling so she said you hurt me and I didn’t like you like my mother didn’t like me . I’ve paid a paid price for my parents parenting me . Cause my parents are sick but Tamara is here for us she explained polarisation and It helped me to put things in to order in my head . I always think my mum has 3 mental states too lol I don’t think I’ll ever get over my childhood it was so mentally damaging I think I was always on flight or fight mode never peace mode . Thank you for sharing I cannot wait to see what Tamara explains next I always get so excited when she post cause it’s always timing cause I’ll have things on my mind that needs to stop
@@TherapistTamaraHill both parents lol Double Dungeon of madness I call it. Yeah come think of it good parent and bad parent that’s confusing growing up
@@TherapistTamaraHill could you do a good parent bad parent topic
Wow, life with my mother wrapped up in a 14 min video. I wish I had the Internet when I was a child and could have seen this or found other information to help myself. For the longest time, I thought all mothers were like this and it was acceptable.
Isn’t that amazing and now we have a name for it too
Isn’t that amazing and now we have a name for it too
I'm sorry to hear this. These parents are so dominant sometimes that they "paint" the child's world and awareness with a tarnished image of motherhood/fatherhood. It isn't uncommon for kids to believe their parent is like many other parents in the world. It isn't until they seek counseling, experience another kind of mother in the world, or gain knowledge (as you have in this video) that they realize..."oh, so my mother/father was sick?" Very common.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Yes exactly. I had some seeds planted over the years from good interactions with friends parents but I also thought they were faking it and a good actress like my mother. So I didn’t really think that was real either. Then I got out into the world as a young adult and “wow!”. Years later after no contact and blocking emails etc I am still in therapy making sense of it all and putting pieces of the puzzle together. I found your video on the psychopathic mother very interesting as well. I’m not alone... this is a thing (unfortunately). Finding specific info on that has been difficult. Usually it’s referring to an extreme case (male in prison etc), never the stay at home psychopathic mother who has a target on the back of her only child. Thank you for taking a step outside the box to help educate on this rarely discussed situation!
@@Kimberly82Anne what generation are you ? Your storey is sad aswell
Oh, when you said about babies and the BPD mother....
*"Immediately when they require something of you, they devalue you."*
Yes! So in point!
That's the narcissistic side of BPD. Their feelings tend to be facts to them. And if they don't *feel* good about you, they cannot be reasoned with. Even if you say something innocent that inadvertently triggers them, their feelings will be *"you hurt me on purpose and that's a fact!"*
Long ago I had a friend who ranted everyday about being stuck at their parents house at 42 yrs old. I got frantic messages about how either they were gonna die or the parents were gonna die. It was constant. But a good thing happened and a windfall came in. As a good friend I responded *"YAY! you can leave now, get an inexpensive reliable car and still have rent for a new place for an entire year! That's awesome!"*
Well since this person wasn't planning to leave and wanted to spend all the money on a brand new car, unbeknownst to me, I triggered shame in them.
Now, I was the bad guy, even though on my end, I was just being happy and supportive of a friend. So I get a slew of texts that I'm horrible and "go away".
That's the hardest part, I think. You can never pin point what will be twisted or how comments will be twisted in their minds. So you can hardly ever avoid it.
Feelings = facts for them.
Luckily, I didn't take it personally because I already knew that this person had BPD. It's sad to want love but not know how to receive it. It must be a very painful struggle for them. They can heal if they are willing to put in the work, so that's good news. I wish everyone a wonderful journey to healing. Tamara, thanks for the excellent video.😊❤️
Edit; I have to say this, my comment isn't about *all* people who suffer with BPD.
You're welcome!! And thank you for sharing this Tess. Important examples of what I am explaining here!
And it's still happening....After one vile episode (among countless), I finally spoke about the anger I feel towards 'her' today. Sharing is the only way with this stuff.
My brother is schizophrenic and I am bipolar. My mom is so sweet but super overbearing. She let's My brother abuse the whole family then gets mad at us when we stand up to him or anything. It's almost as if she doesn't want him to get better just so that he always depends on her. I have resented her alot for it. And my dad just there doesn't really do much to stop it. Kind of like he wants to keep the peace himself. And no one sees the damage this has done. I know my mother had a brother who was schizophrenic as well so maybe she just used to being that overprotective overbearing mother. But what about the damage it has done to the rest of the family ? He can literally wake up one day and decide go hurt one of them but we should keep it quiet and leave it in God's hands. I'm over it. She lives in a delusional world.
I mean I'm 23 and I found out my mum is sick some weeks ago thanks to psychotherapy. She doesn't have a diagnosis but I recognize all the behaviors. I still live with her and it's so hard honestly. All I've been through.... Wasn't my fault. She always makes me feel like I'm an ungrateful, bad child, even if she says she loves me so much. She talks about death all the time, she hasn't directly hurt herself but she always says she's risking to die and me and my brother do too; completely traumatizing us. As a kid, I grew up with many many psychosomatic symptoms: throwing up all the time as a kid, difficulty sleeping, nervous cough, difficulty with anger, I have been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease at 22. I've felt void all my life and thought I was broken. It's so so hurtful but validating too. I found a very understanding therapist who lets me write her notes between sessions so my feelings get validated because I've always been neglected. It helps me to know I'm not alone in this.
Hey Tamara! I'm sharing this!
Thank you!! I don't mind as long as copyright is correct. I had someone else do this to my videos, re-upload with no credit/permission, and RUclips penalized their channel. RUclips is rather strict with copied or shared content!!
@@TherapistTamaraHill I totally understand. But I was going to share it with an associate, person to person; not on social media. This video is applicable to their experiences. I know what you mean though, I've had it happen to me.
It's a shame when that happens. I wouldn't want you to get a copyright strike from RUclips if you share imcorrectly which is why I mentioned it. Your content is valuable as well.
@@TherapistTamaraHill You're right.
Yes amazing she is like a mother to us
I feel the love. Thanks for this topic.
☺Welcome!
Gratitude🌼
Yes fr I will never forgive her ,ppl still tease me for it ,she had me on medication and it got out ,all the kids called me slow ,Down syndrome etc n she didnt give two fcks!
This was so helpful! Can you point me in the direction of studies that show the effects of this behavior in young children?
Very informative, thank you
Glad it was helpful! You're welcome!
or locked out.
it's embarrassing to say when you are 37 almost 38 and people swear you hit the next age already smh but my mom was an alcoholic and not emotionally availible. She 2ae never motherly love and also had an issue with alcohol but to be so ignorant and foolish that it's not your fault is selfish thinking which my parent is. Also excuse me but straight hair? lmao. Nice cute curly hair
All lies about the parent