@@allysonjackson5610 great question!! It is hard. The first step is awareness and freedom from the enmeshed family system. Once this is accomplished then healing work can begin. You have inspired a video!!
I always felt sorry for my parents as a child bcs I felt their depression/vulnerability/loneliness very keenly. That kept me loyal to them for way too long 😕 I always felt that I just existed to support them (and the rest of the family) and the fact that I also needed support never even occurred to me.
Thank you for sharing this. You are so right about this and I think A LOT of kids today can relate to you. I see it way too much and it is clearly emotional incest or enmeshment. I'm sorry you have had to experience this.
In a very sick way, I believe my father did this to me, but in a side-chick type of way. He would get close to me as an emotional support when he and my mother didn’t get along, and then when they would, he would drop me. It’s one of the primary reasons for my anxiety and abandonment trauma.
Woah. I ABSOLUTELY understand what you’ve described. I am so sorry… My husband and I FINALLY divorced after 22 years, and only now am I able to see that he had (and STILL has) this same DYSFUNCTIONAL dynamic with my daughter that your father had with you💔. May I please ask you: What are things that your *mother* can do to facilitate HEALING for you? What do you need (or even just “wish” that you could get from her that would help you?
I think parents do this unconsciously and when big changes happen they should get direction from a therapist before trying to deal with it themselves and unknowingly abuse their children. This can be passed on from one generation to the next
Thank you for addressing this very rarely discussed topic that can effectively destroy people's life for decades. I am now 51 and it took me over 4 decades to be able to figure out that this has been my core trauma with my mother (I'm a woman), especially since my father died, but bc they had an unhappy marriage, practically since childhood. Whereas my sister who is 10 years older had to physically help out in the household and often take care of me her younger sister, my mother being traumatized and emotionally immature and unstable with no self-reflecting abilities has all her life increasingly have been relying on me for emotional and psychological support, being so enmeshed with me that it stifled my ability to grow up into a healthy adult woman. After decades and years of analyzing my situation and doing research (so glad I found your channel) it is only now in my 50s that I have fully understood what's happened to me. I believe I have to escape, hopefully abroad, even if my mother is now elderly...I managed to move abroad once for 7 years, those were my only years of independent adult life. But she kept pulling me back with thousand invisible threads. I could write a book...thank you again, we need to know about these and need to have our experiences validated.
Now you see why majority of relationships fail, it the dark secrets, carrying , that people don't say or talk about , but it notice, when they become in relationships. I always can tell , when this has happen to someone, even by friendship and their actions. If you watch the signs and listen and understand their mindset. And you are correct, they can't have the capacity , to be an adult parent, their like grown adults having children, created that generational truma, they often have the immaturity of a child, not in a good way, it in a bad way where it effects their ability to take care , and support the child. Their lack the responsibility to actually provide basic needs for the children/ child, and sometimes, will repeat a emotional incest cycle with their own child,
I have been on a fact finding yourney and this video help me put the puzzle together. My spouse relationship with her mother is very suffocating and sometimes it very intrusive in our marriage. My wife is the problem solver for her mother, even though she other children.
Someone slipped and hit the thumbs down. I never understood how someone could give a thumbs down on topics that aren't for entertaining but rather education. 😒
This is an especially interesting topic to me due to some nonsense spewed directly towards me by a sociopathic sibling some years back before our mother passed away. There were no boundaries crossed.
my parents were this way with me mostly for emotional support. i feel like child services wouldnt have taken me away for that? even though i wish they had
I'm so glad I found this video. Another very important video by you Tamara . You have so much educational content. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe the emotional relationship with my parents until this video. Thank you Tamara ❤
Me still going through this at 21 so done with everything in life cuz I can’t start my own family without my grandma butting in or disrupting us. Trying to force me to make him do things for her etc and she goes directly to calling me the b word if I happen to be busy and not answer the phone. The abuse is real and annoying
It the Golden child version truma. The Black culture doesn't see this is wicked and gets mad when the person , gets away or speak on it. ❤ You will get punish and outcast , if you choose not to participate in emotional incest.
I really struggle with the idea that Emotional Incest is 'not sexual'. It certainly FEELS like something that a parent should do with a 'romantic' partner. And it for sure feels like it has influenced how my sexuality plays out. Have also heard tell about how some victims of EI try to act out in response to the Emotional Incest, in sexual ways, and have because of that never been more glad I was essentially an only child. And as anyone who is even slightly wary of commitment has been told (especially if a man), an important part of being sexual with someone is emotional intimacy. Feels like the exact kind of thing, that, in any other circumstances, would be easily seen and called out as an inappropriate sexual 'overture'. Feels like being gaslighted all over again, being told that this is all oh so not sexual, even though it has clearly left a hole of a very specific shape right in the middle of my adult sexuality. And I know it's important to draw that distinction. Just also feels like in almost any other context, defining what is 'sexual' in such a narrow way could be called out, and rightly so, as narrow minded and reductive.
My mom asks me for compliments regularly on how she looks and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I am incredibly uncomfortable around my mom. When I walk past her my private areas always tense up I don’t know why I tense up in that way. Sometimes she would be staring at my private areas and that would make me feel so violated. I didn’t ask for this I hate this. I don’t want to deal with my maternal sadist of a mother anymore. I brought my long time partner around my mom and she proceeded to hurl insults at me in front of her in an effort to belittle me and make my partner less interested in me
@@andrewstaples7544 That’s interesting…I definitely see a lot of “adultifying” of young black kids…forcing them to become head of household and carry too much responsibility at an early age
I discovered this topic discussing unhealthy relationships. Defining mother's love is very vital and critical for your life in development as a man. Thank you for sharing this information, and I will follow you on my quest for new opportunities in learning my craft as a Marriage and relationship counselor. ❤❤❤
First video that touches on this very important subject. I have spent years in therapy dealing with this kind of relationship with my mother. It's tough because it's so hard to explain to people. However your content does just that. Thank you.
Thank you! And I'm glad this was a helpful video to you. I am currently not taking on long-term clients as I am booked solid for the next 6mos. However, I offer consultations. If you're interested in learning more you can email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. :)
This is a tough topic. This video only touches the surface. Sad to think more people than we think experience this.
How does a person stop emotional incest? That seems difficult if it's a parent especially. Thank you. ✌
@@allysonjackson5610 great question!! It is hard.
The first step is awareness and freedom from the enmeshed family system. Once this is accomplished then healing work can begin. You have inspired a video!!
@@TherapistTamaraHill I've inspired a video. I'll take that as a compliment. Thanks again Miss Hill. ✌
I feel you.
I always felt sorry for my parents as a child bcs I felt their depression/vulnerability/loneliness very keenly. That kept me loyal to them for way too long 😕 I always felt that I just existed to support them (and the rest of the family) and the fact that I also needed support never even occurred to me.
Thank you for sharing this. You are so right about this and I think A LOT of kids today can relate to you. I see it way too much and it is clearly emotional incest or enmeshment. I'm sorry you have had to experience this.
I can relate to this so much
I am so sorry that this happened to you, this also happened to me.
My childhood in a nutshell
I so feel u. You are not alone.❤
In a very sick way, I believe my father did this to me, but in a side-chick type of way. He would get close to me as an emotional support when he and my mother didn’t get along, and then when they would, he would drop me. It’s one of the primary reasons for my anxiety and abandonment trauma.
Omg you just worded it perfectly. That’s exactly what mine did too. All his frustrations were other her he took out on me
Woah. I ABSOLUTELY understand what you’ve described.
I am so sorry…
My husband and I FINALLY divorced after 22 years, and only now am I able to see that he had (and STILL has) this same DYSFUNCTIONAL dynamic with my daughter that your father had with you💔.
May I please ask you:
What are things that your *mother* can do to facilitate HEALING for you? What do you need (or even just “wish” that you could get from her that would help you?
I think parents do this unconsciously and when big changes happen they should get direction from a therapist before trying to deal with it themselves and unknowingly abuse their children. This can be passed on from one generation to the next
Very much agree. MOST parents do this unconsciously but some intentionally. The intentional parent is the most detrimental.
Thank you for addressing this very rarely discussed topic that can effectively destroy people's life for decades. I am now 51 and it took me over 4 decades to be able to figure out that this has been my core trauma with my mother (I'm a woman), especially since my father died, but bc they had an unhappy marriage, practically since childhood. Whereas my sister who is 10 years older had to physically help out in the household and often take care of me her younger sister, my mother being traumatized and emotionally immature and unstable with no self-reflecting abilities has all her life increasingly have been relying on me for emotional and psychological support, being so enmeshed with me that it stifled my ability to grow up into a healthy adult woman. After decades and years of analyzing my situation and doing research (so glad I found your channel) it is only now in my 50s that I have fully understood what's happened to me. I believe I have to escape, hopefully abroad, even if my mother is now elderly...I managed to move abroad once for 7 years, those were my only years of independent adult life. But she kept pulling me back with thousand invisible threads. I could write a book...thank you again, we need to know about these and need to have our experiences validated.
Facts, no one should ever cross those boundaries. The pain of truma that never goes away.
Now you see why majority of relationships fail, it the dark secrets, carrying , that people don't say or talk about , but it notice, when they become in relationships. I always can tell , when this has happen to someone, even by friendship and their actions. If you watch the signs and listen and understand their mindset. And you are correct, they can't have the capacity , to be an adult parent, their like grown adults having children, created that generational truma, they often have the immaturity of a child, not in a good way, it in a bad way where it effects their ability to take care , and support the child. Their lack the responsibility to actually provide basic needs for the children/ child, and sometimes, will repeat a emotional incest cycle with their own child,
My parents have no boundaries
I have been on a fact finding yourney and this video help me put the puzzle together. My spouse relationship with her mother is very suffocating and sometimes it very intrusive in our marriage. My wife is the problem solver for her mother, even though she other children.
Someone slipped and hit the thumbs down. I never understood how someone could give a thumbs down on topics that aren't for entertaining but rather education. 😒
🙃🤭
Could just be another messed up person.
This breaks my heart...I have a good friend who is going through this.I just pray he and his family work on this and be able to overcome it.🙏
This is an especially interesting topic to me due to some nonsense spewed directly towards me by a sociopathic sibling some years back before our mother passed away. There were no boundaries crossed.
That's the hardest. I'm sorry. Once a mom dies siblings should able to connect. But sometimes it gets worse.
This is the root of every personality disorder or narc background. ❤
my parents were this way with me mostly for emotional support. i feel like child services wouldnt have taken me away for that? even though i wish they had
I'm so glad I found this video. Another very important video by you Tamara . You have so much educational content. I didn't have the vocabulary to describe the emotional relationship with my parents until this video. Thank you Tamara ❤
You're welcome! That's so great @Samuel_L.B! Glad this was helpful. And thank you!
Me still going through this at 21 so done with everything in life cuz I can’t start my own family without my grandma butting in or disrupting us. Trying to force me to make him do things for her etc and she goes directly to calling me the b word if I happen to be busy and not answer the phone. The abuse is real and annoying
It the Golden child version truma. The Black culture doesn't see this is wicked and gets mad when the person , gets away or speak on it. ❤ You will get punish and outcast , if you choose not to participate in emotional incest.
This is why ,' my gift is important, or the spirit works, cause it happens all the time, and every family has a tie to it, ❤
I really struggle with the idea that Emotional Incest is 'not sexual'.
It certainly FEELS like something that a parent should do with a 'romantic' partner.
And it for sure feels like it has influenced how my sexuality plays out.
Have also heard tell about how some victims of EI try to act out in response to the Emotional Incest, in sexual ways, and have because of that never been more glad I was essentially an only child.
And as anyone who is even slightly wary of commitment has been told (especially if a man), an important part of being sexual with someone is emotional intimacy.
Feels like the exact kind of thing, that, in any other circumstances, would be easily seen and called out as an inappropriate sexual 'overture'.
Feels like being gaslighted all over again, being told that this is all oh so not sexual, even though it has clearly left a hole of a very specific shape right in the middle of my adult sexuality.
And I know it's important to draw that distinction. Just also feels like in almost any other context, defining what is 'sexual' in such a narrow way could be called out, and rightly so, as narrow minded and reductive.
My mom asks me for compliments regularly on how she looks and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I am incredibly uncomfortable around my mom. When I walk past her my private areas always tense up I don’t know why I tense up in that way. Sometimes she would be staring at my private areas and that would make me feel so violated. I didn’t ask for this I hate this. I don’t want to deal with my maternal sadist of a mother anymore. I brought my long time partner around my mom and she proceeded to hurl insults at me in front of her in an effort to belittle me and make my partner less interested in me
This happens in mostly single parents homes mostly with single moms with there son or sons especially in the black community
@@andrewstaples7544 That’s interesting…I definitely see a lot of “adultifying” of young black kids…forcing them to become head of household and carry too much responsibility at an early age
I discovered this topic discussing unhealthy relationships. Defining mother's love is very vital and critical for your life in development as a man. Thank you for sharing this information, and I will follow you on my quest for new opportunities in learning my craft as a Marriage and relationship counselor. ❤❤❤
Thank you for this. 😢
You're welcome!!
Great vid!
Thank you!!
First video that touches on this very important subject. I have spent years in therapy dealing with this kind of relationship with my mother. It's tough because it's so hard to explain to people. However your content does just that. Thank you.
Thank you Carole. And I'm sorry to hear this. You are right, this is hard to explain.
Wow. This spoke to me on so many levels. How do I hire you please?!
Thank you! And I'm glad this was a helpful video to you.
I am currently not taking on long-term clients as I am booked solid for the next 6mos. However, I offer consultations. If you're interested in learning more you can email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. :)
Thank you very much for your expertise and video! You are helping me and so many other people. Thank you 💓
You are so welcome! And thank you for that. That's an answered prayer❤.
Thank you for sharing this message.
You're welcome! Glad this was helpful.
my brother and father have sexual feelings about me (i am 24 years old)