"How Do I Deal With A Toxic Family After I Leave Them Alone?" | Psychotherapy Crash Course
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 7 июл 2024
- #trauma #tamarahilllpc
#toxicfamily
----------------------
*DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO, IN NO WAY, IS PROMOTING HOSTILITY OR UNFORGIVENESS TOWARD FAMILY. IT IS HIGHLIGHTING THE IMPORTANCE OF KNOWING WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND KNOWING HOW/WHEN TO PUT UP HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. WHEN FAMILY IS ABUSIVE, UNHEALTHY, AND UNCARING BOUNDARIES ARE NEEDED.
------------------------------------------------------------
Trying to distance yourself from toxic family members can feel almost impossible.
How do you distance yourself from you mother, your father, or even your child?
It's a scary journey when you're just beginning to separate.
It isn't something we can just "get over" and move on from.
Toxic family do not always just go away. They want to understand why you aren't communicating or why you aren't as close to them as you used to be.
Some of us "wake up" just in time to leave the toxic family alone so that we can move forward in a healthy mindset.
In this video, I discuss toxic family members and what you are likely to encounter on your journey when you decide to distance yourself from them.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
0:00 Intro
1:40 Why this topic of toxic family important
2:20 Separating when you love
2:59 Setting a new boundary
3:30 Resolving the conflict
4:59 The aftermath of separating from toxic family
9:08 diffusion of responsibility and the bystander effect
10:48 preying family is likely to start up
11:40 you are going to have normal regrets & doubts
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Article on diffusion of responsibility: www.thoughtco.com/diffusion-o...
-Article on the "bystander effect": www.nytimes.com/2021/04/03/sc...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SUBSCRIBE for more videos: 👩💻
/ tamarahtherapist
*New content: Friday night live (after 6pm) and Saturday 6:00pm est.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
*TRAUMA PLAYLISTS:
- • Trauma/ Trauma Therapy
-Healing trauma in stages: • Healing From Trauma In...
- • Trauma/ Trauma Therapy
Music:
---------------------------
🎵 Track Info:
- LifeLong by Anno Domini Beats
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DISCLAIMER:
*Videos are provided for exploration and educational purposes only and does not constitute clinical suggestions or consultation for individual cases.
If you or someone you know is having a medical emergency involving harm to self, please reach out to the suicide prevention hotline suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
----------------------------------------------------------------
----Contact me-------(BUSINESS INQUIRIES ONLY)
I'm Támara, a licensed and internationally/Board certified trauma mental health therapist, with over 12 years experience. I specialize in helping children, teens, and families with mental illness. I also treat psychological/emotional trauma in children, teens, and adults.
If you'd like to contact me or inquire about my international consultations, you may email me at contact@anchoredinknowledge.com. *Please note: all consultations are charged a fixed rate fee based on the case content.
Mail me stuff!
PO BOX 15747
Robinson Township, PA 15244
FOLLOW ME ON SOCIAL MEDIA:
Twitter - / therapisttee
Website - www.anchoredinknowledge.com
Blog - blogs.psychcentral.com/caregi...
______________________________________
Copyright © All rights reserved.
This video was so comforting ♥️ The barometer is mental health and well being. If your life has improved, that’s a sign it was toxic and not for your long term good 🌸
That is really good.😊 Very glad this was helpful to you.
Oh totally. The best holidays I ever had in my teens and 20s were the ones where I was working retail and working at catering jobs, or too sick to come down to dinner. Or the Christmas my parents went overseas and I just hung out with friends at a karaoke place on Christmas Day. No drama, no tears, nobody leaving in a huff. It was so awesome and fun! Then, how much my life improved when my older sister decided to shun me from our family of origin, pitting my mother against me. It’s amazing how much my “chemical imbalance” improved and went away, and then came back when my family decided to start inviting me to things again! Weird! And how this same “chemical imbalance” went away and then kept coming back whenever my toxic family rejected me, and then brought me back into the fold. It’s a MASSIVE sign that there’s something wrong when your depression and anxiety go away when your family is snubbing you!! That’s something that took me way too long to figure out.
Now I’m finally free of them, forever, and I’m waking up dancing and smiling every single day!
That was so perfectly SAID!!!!
@@goodgrief888 This is so true!
i wake up after nightmares with heart pains and racing heart...i loved my family was very close to them even tho it was unhealthy....i cant believe what they've done to me...i'm not better after not seeing them...my health has deteriorated but then that was half the problem...they told me i was lazy when i was unwell....they blamed me for being raped and impregnated by a 21 year old at 14 and made me have an abortion....they tell me everyone gets hit when my sister hits me and tells me to kill myself and they think its ok to trick me off mortgage paperwork and give my home to a police officer who gets me corners smashes up the house and screams in my face get out this is my house now......i've got in other abusive relationships since and i still feel like i'm having heart attack every day....i cant trust anyone....i cant work...i cant eat...i cant sleep i dont think my life has really improved but at least i dont have their abuse everyday its in my head still tho...their words and actions everyday and in dreams i have no control over dreams so it's never ending.....so does that mean it was all me then because my mental health and wellbeing is not better?
I get judged for the distance I put between me & my family. They can judge me until their eyes pop out of their socket. My peace & sanity will not allow me to care nor will it compromise.
Only God can judge me; he judges the heart whereas man judges by actions/appearances
I feel the same way
@@tamikawahl7540 true
I APPLAUD YOU!! I can’t wait until I get where you are!! 🙏🏽
Same here, when you tell them why they don't listen at all, it goes out the other ear.
The loneliness is debilitating at times. Knowing you don't have family to rely on. It gets rough but overall you will feel lighter.
Very true. I agree.
I agree. I have no one, but at least I am not around those demons anymore. i go to meetups.
@@remix2die4 Me too! Phoenix Singles has 20,000 members!
I feel That Too . It’s sad not having a family :(
Thank you...
It is only difficult because the world try to teach you that it is supposed to be family over everything.
Yes! Agree. It's fantasized for sure. Nothing balanced about this statement.
@@TherapistTamaraHill True.
I just referenced this on my video channel and how the Bible says to honour thy mother and father - but you can from a distance I explained.
That’s so annoying my family is super toxic. I literally help so much and on my bday I couldn’t even get a happy bday nope I got drama and I’m not allowing anyone to treat me however stay strong
This statement is true only if you had healthy family dynamics and grew out of it as a balanced adult.
I've distanced myself from my family and it is the best thing that I could've done. I am at peace, no stress, no regrets.
How did you do it? Did you run away?
@@shekinahrabanes7222 I know I'm not who you were asking, but I have distanced myself a bit from family, and all that means is that I have come to terms with understanding they cannot supply me with the love and care that they should. It is a sad realization but it is necessary.
And knowing that I realized that I cannot be close "friends" with them. This is a heart level of closeness. Because a friend has your best interest at heart. And my family had proven in multiple ways they do not wish me well. They are friendly and kind in the surface but they hurt me in little ways over time. And the reason is because I trust them like a friend and they act outside of that behavior.
So I distance myself by keeping them at arms reach. I still speak to them, I'm still friendly, I still visit on holidays, and spend happy times with them. But I don't divulge too much information about myself to them. I don't tell them my plans or dreams. And I don't tell them my feelings. I talk about events get together and possibly hanging out. But I always avoid deeper conversations.
The reason for this is because if I trust them to have access to my deep emotions or my dreams, or even my personal drama, they will not treat it with respect or care. And it will hurt my heart. So I just don't give my open heart to them to break. And I keep the relationship very surface level.
Now I will talk about THIER personal life, dreams, and issues. Because I do have their best interest at heart and I'm not looking for ways to sabotage them or break their heart with it. This has been very helpful to keep my relationship with my family whom I love, and also avoid a lot of pain. Just by being smart and careful.
But the hardest part is coming to terms with the fact that they don't treat you the way they should. It hurts because I always wanted to believe the best in my family and I honestly thought for the longest time that some part of me was making it up because it just didn't make sense.
But learning about the scape goat experience through a scientific lens, had helped me to much better understand the dynamic I grew up in. And their behavior is subconscious in a lot of ways and so I just try to walk around the pit falls, to preserve the relationship.
AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN, Sister, Me 2🎉
Sociopaths and narcissists are bad for your help. Some of them can be your mother, father, brother, sister, aunt or uncle. Stay away from such people. Be honest, if you weren't related to them, you'd never associate with them based on how they mistreat you...
So true, if my dad and sister were people I seen in passing and we weren’t family I would never befriend them, like them. I’d actually be more adverse to their energy.
Exactly!
Very true
AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN, Sooooooo #TRUE 🎉
Spot on! Absolutely.X
It’s hard especially when they don’t realize they are toxic.
The gaslighting my family does just makes me feel like I’m going crazy 😭 I’m so ready to move and go on with my life
Before you do anything...plan on leaving privately and get yourself sorted until you know you good to leave ...then you tell them...
I agree with the spirit if your suggestion. However, one’s folks don’t need one’s permission to “kick them to the curb”. One has to arrive at the decision to leave their asses alone and actually do it and being ok with it. In the world of evolution, a leopard RARELY ever changes its spots.
Sorry, God bless you.
DO IT secretly and privately. I left my family and returned 15 years later. It's the same mess, just a different toliet. I wish you the best.
I understand friend gaslighting is also by me tofay i must let them go my family it hurts but time wil fix it also
Be Free. Don’t let no one put you on a guilt trip. Stay healthy. Leave. Don’t look back. 🦋
Yes. Very true!
Bob, Dylan was right,
@@TherapistTamaraHill It was a tough decision for me to make. I made the decision to leave indifferent and toxic family members many years ago and now, I am so glad I did that. When I made this decision it wasn't taken lightly and when I made up my mind to be done with them, I was done with them. Period. No turning back.
Remember Lots wife 🫤
I'm so over the 'we're family' line. I don't love all of my family members, regardless if 'we're family.' Saying that aloud makes me feel terrible but if I met these folks on the street I wouldn't even be friends with them.
The truth shall set you free! Same here!! So much peace on the other side of crazy! Lol. Much peace on your healing journey! 🦋
I feel the same
“We are family”is just the title of a sister sledge song now….
Omg, yes girl this is so true!!!!
Amen
The hardest thing for me is invalidation from others and being judged because the abuser is my mother. It is painful enough going through estrangement from a toxic family member, then someone in my church group says "I'm sure your mother loves you really, doesn't she" when I tried to say I'm dealing with trauma and had enough of being treated so badly. I think some people don't want to acknowledge that not all families are loving and supportive, it's easier to minimise what someone else is going through.
I'm so sorry Laura. I agree! And the worst part of all is when someone religious does make statements like this. They may feel they are being helpful and walking by faith but the reality is that statements like this can feel dismissive. In some cases, it is! The religiosity inherent in some church homes and groups really furthers the pain of a suffering individual because of overly religious views and lack of attention to the person suffering.
Sometimes the best thing to do in situations like this is limit how much you share with these individuals.
No they never been thru nothing they can't relate. You are the chosen one walk away forget what they have to say.
Read Matthew 10:34-39
@@kendaldee Oh thats goooood! I will use that next time with someone who just can't get their head around my situation with my ex-family.
Dearheart, most people relate to others from their experiences. Those who don’t understand or seek to understand lack empathy.
To all my Narc survivors stay at peace with your selves.
#THANKS, AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN, SISTER 🎉
Thanks, u too
The “good” thing is there were no ‘good times’ to regret
It’s like the bad out ways the good...if there was any good and if there really was any good it was for selfishness
There are for some of us...but it certainly doesn’t cancel out the awful times.
I'm moving out tomorrow without them knowing, wish me luck
any update?
Hope it all worked out!
Good luck
God bless you and keep you safe 💕
GOD BLESS YOUR EFFORT< I SO DO UNDERSTAND!!!!
I learned that sometimes it’s the people closest to you that often times hinder you
Well said.
It’s the “BUT THATS YOUR FAMILY” , or “ YOU SHOULDNT BE LIKE THAT” my family so toxic it’s ridiculous, and now I’m literally the bad guy cause I chose me and my sanity. And the ppl who have a problem with me cutting those family members off are NEXT. I’ve been dealing with this shit since forever I’m done and I’m done feeling guilty.
Envy, competition, disrespectful, childish is the majority I've been dealing with the pass 35 yrs dealing with my oldest brother, sister and nephews.. sometimes you wonder what planet they come from you know . We all grew up together but some how they become toxic.
That's really sad. I've been there! It drains you and changes you in many ways. And I agree. It is like they are from another world. Who are you? How are we kin? Once you realize the toxicity...move away.
I agree. I have been on the same boat my entire life. I am the eldest niece. So I grew up with my aunts and uncles as brothers/sisters. Most of them have envied from the life I’ve worked hard for to the close and respectful relationship I have with my now adult kids. I finally came to the realization that my uncles and especially my aunts are just envious and because of their feelings on inadequacy they never make me feel loved. With that being said I decided to sell my home in my home town and will be moving out of state next week. I haven’t told 1 family member (except my two kids). My husband and I are ready for a new life away from all that envy so that we can continue to grow.
@@mrsmdub259 That's very brave.
I can attest to that, I was always abused and bullied by a older sibling. I older I got I tried to put the past aside then I realized that I was living in a fantasy that these ppl are real, the biggest narcissist of them all is the maternal person. The hypocrisy, the gossiping and the pretending lol I’ve gotten so use to it to the point I can tell who the discussion about.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I have always felt like I did not belong in my family and they have always put me down and used hateful words and gossip, so sad 🤥
That's my mom spot on. She gets all sweet texts me every day says she's proud of me, then I get close to her again and she uses everything I tell her against me. Even found out recently she talks about me to my ex husband. No more talking to her for good. So hurtful, it feels like you can't trust anyone.
AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN AMEN 🎉
It's a process. I had so many trials of distancing and reconnecting out of shame, guilt ., but now I feel confident in my decision and look forward to my new life. I can only take one day at a time.
Amen. You are right. Thanks for sharing your comment. I praise and thank God for you. God bless. Know that you are loved, favored, blessed, and highly favored by God. God love and cares for you always, and so do I. 💜💜😘😘😘💜💜💜😘😘😘
❤💪🏾wow that's amazing. I'm planning on moving out soon
I went through each phase Tamara listed, but I made it! I just remained busy doing constructive things, especially during the holidays. Big ups to you!
Same here. Going back and forth. It's tough.
Needed this comment! It’s been a battle. We have to take our power back and look within our heart and feed our gut the health we finally deserve ❤️
I get quiet and avoid everyone connected to the toxic person. I do not want to hear or say anything negative from anyone. This gives me joy.
I grew up in a very toxic home. Everyday there was degrading, belittling, put downs.... it was like a nightmare. It didn’t take me until I was in my mid twenties to realize I was in a very toxic environment. The sad part was that the family was my adopted family.
So sorry you went through this! 😔 I experienced something very similar, but healing is possible! ❤️
I'm so sorry. :( I can relate. And I have two adopted siblings although I myself was not adopted.
@@victoriaallen8020 I have found healing in Christ 😌.
@@anitaharris9243 don’t feel sorry bc it only made me stronger 😉 as I wish for a lot of people who’ve been through similar situations
Some backround on your story? I have toxic people /family I dont have anything I'f not much is it better to be homeless I dont feel strong enough to get away they hurt me my whole life and beleive mom wanted me in bad situation even as kid via documents I have.
I just told my sister's last night that I can no longer be in contact with them bc of how they are. One sister was like okay. The other freaked out! She and her husband sent me a ton of horrible and awful texts. So I blocked them. I feel sick to my stomach, but I'm trying.
Huge hugs. I'm sorry they reacted so nasty towards you. Not easy to block, but you did it and are doing your best. 😔🙏🏻
Ugh I feel your pain in this.
You got this. Take a deep breath and move on from that negativity.
Wow!!!, that's the same exact thing that I went through with both of my brothers. Almost identical!!
They're so delusional, she didn't even realize her harassing texts were the confirmation you needed.
When I walked away from my entire family I actually was able to breath with ease for the first time in my life. My family NEVER tried to hoover me back in because they knew they went too far and that I was onto their abusive nature which I demonstrated ZERO tolerance for.
I just told my family my last goodbye. Your video really helped me. I just lost my younger sister and found her dead. I was not allowed to go to her funeral nor was I included in the obituary. I tried so many years to help them and all I was to them was a scapegoat. My heart hurts so bad, and am trying so hard to keep the faith and stay strong. 🙏 Thank you for your video, because no matter the abuse I always returned because I want to be loved. It has taken along time to realize that, im gurting myself and wasting my time.
I understand your story. A (I now know) jealous, hateful sister excluded me from my parents will, stole/gave away everything they owned and moved to Arizona. To make her self look as the angel, she proceeded to gossip, lie and rumor about me. Simply because I questioned her actions, which included abuse and toxic responses. Now no one talks to me, or even wants to hear my side. Yes, its time to move on. Other compassionate family members will take their place.
If you can find like-minded people in a group or community, like volunteer work etc, it can replace the love that you didn't get from your biological family. We are one human family.
It is human nature to want to be loved and accepted. Sociopaths KNOW this. They cannot help themselves. They will hurt you no matter what you do. You cannot win except by walking away. They will find another scapegoat within their sphere instead of you. If you go back the cycle of abuse will start all over again. The other target may turn on you as well. Anything to get them off themselves and onto you. Watch your six at all times. Especially during the holidays.
Hi, I'm sad to read this. I to was so mistreated by my family when my Dad was dying and after. Then my sister got married and didn't invite me, which I understand but she excluded my young adult children to. She lit a candle to remember my Dad who was very violent, distant and abusive in multiple ways. It's so tough. I'm so sorry what's been done to you
WOW!!😮
It's hard because you should have your family in your life, to lean on in hard times, to share success and good times. But you can't, you'll be abandoned or abused when in need, and your success will only trigger their worthiness issues and jealousy.
I completely agree and deal with this too.
Fa Sho
Whoever did a thumbs down has to be jealous or the person a family member walked out on. 🙄
COULD VERY WELL BE THE TRUTH ......
☺exactly
Going through this now...sick of being bothered with their nasty ass behaviors
Thank so much for this video. Whenever I put up boundaries with my family members I am labelled as 'mentally ill' or 'too sensitive' by them, and yet they don't realise that they are causing this so-called 'illness'. They are toxic because they constantly make projections, gaslight, invalidate and lack true empathy. I've finally realised that I will end up insane if I keep interacting with them. And I've gained strength in my decision by realising that they will also be better off without me, because I will no longer be enabling their bullshit. I am doing them a favour by walking away.
omg me too!!
You are not the only one. For my own sanity I try to stay away from them as much as possible if I have to go to dinner with them then I have to go. My situation as that I have seen many cultures I'm have many friends from around the world and of course I don't go to church I have other things that I study these things do not come out of my mouth. These things come out of my family's mouth. I have a best friend who is trans, I have a best friend who's gay I do not like when they start talking about stereotypes of different people around the world I get upset my best bet is just to stay away from my family push and push and push till I can't take it anymore and then they start yelling at me they can't understand what I'm am so weak and I can't understand I'm like this save yourself unscramble get yourself a hotel room that way you have a place to run to
me too, I felt like I was enabling their bad behaviour, so it is best that I am not in their lives
I know my toxic aunt pulled away from me a couple of months ago, and I'm sure that she told people that I was a problem. She pulled a stunt that I didn't care for. And I know she probably ran around acting like I was the issue. It is for the best that she moved around. I know the Lord was advising me to pull away from her. Because she will get things started by lying and gossiping. Smh.
I'm sorry to hear this!! Family like this...who needs enemies?
What you speak of is called triangulation. It's terrible in families.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Yes it is. Thanks for responding. Have a blessed day.
Exactly what happened to me a week ago I hope I will get over it
If anyone does not understand your situation? That is ok. You will find a friend who does.
AMEN!!!
What is harder than the loneliness & isolation I feel, is it breaks my heart that my kids didn't grow up with extended family and don't have family they can turn to.
This is the hardest- the impact for my kids also
I felt great relief leaving my toxic adopted family. I dont like being forced into relationships, but when you do distance, you learn to listen to God and the universe will send the right people to help you. It's ok to not like people, to cut cords, and walk alone. We dont have the power to walk away but the SEASON for certain relationships has passed. Get ready for the next season and be grateful for whatever comes.
Beautifully said, Rosalyn. I also went no contact with my adopted family.
I needed to see THIS comment tonight.Thx y
Where one come from can also play a very negative role in one's life.
I am African and there is this tendency to believe that if you are financially blessed, it's your role to carry everyone else along. I have been financially supporting my family members for years and my mental health started to suffer greatly, but not long ago I said to myself enough is enough! Why should it be my responsibility?? and I cut them off. Now I am the enemy and they've forgotten the good I did but I am not regretting a thing because for the first time in years I feel free and at peace with myself.
Thank you for sharing this! This is important to note. African, Native American, Hispanic, and Italian households (probably more) are like this as well. This really influences the toxicity of the family exchanges. I'm glad you don't have any regrets. You have to do what is healthy and right for you.
Monah. I can relate 125%. I am also an African, you feel it is your responsibility when you can afford it to take care of the entire family financially and actually you do it from a point of love. I never realized that all along I was just a means to an end, its crazy in Africa with all our cultural limitations when it comes to toxic family so most of us end up suffering silently for years without really knowing that we are been misused by those we love. My only thought growing up as a child was to give my family a better life, my mum and dad separated when I was still a child, I took sides with my mum and from age 10 I said in my heart that I will do something for my mum that will make her so happy. I prayed about that dream everyday until I turn 21, them came the fillfulment of the dream, I built a house for my mother that hosted all of my siblings, nieces and nephews. Even before 21, I started working and was actually paying my younger siblings school fees as well as my nephew and extended family children also. I felt it was a moral obligation. To cut long story short, 4 years ago I lost a good job due to budget cuts and I could no longer provide as I did. Than came the ungratefulness, the disrespectfulness, the gaslighting, the abuse and all hell broke lose. Suddenly no one remembers the role I played in their lives to put them where they are,i put most of my own live on hold to take care of them, I sponsor my nephew to come to America, when he came I became his number one enemy and my family did not see anything wrong with his attitude towards me, instead I was the difficult one,I suffered this for years, my younger sister was so vulgar and abusive towards me,I finally cut her off but that was the most difficult thing I ever had to do since i always convinced myself that she will change. I love my family so much especially my mother whom I thought would stand up for me and speak the truth where it belongs, but she never, it appears that my mother now listens to my younger sister more than me. This is painful. I am trying to heal myself but because of my deep connections to my mother which I still can,t let go, I find myself going back to them and interacting with them on my mother's appeal. I can go on and on, it is too much, I was so heart broken over their attitude that I develop stress and some health issues,but I am grateful to God to have shown me the other side, had I not fallen on hard grounds , I wouldn't have seen their true color, now I have used this time to heal and to find myself. I continue to show love to myself each day but I have slowly distant myself to preserve my sanity. The only person I still relate with deeply is my mum, but I don't allow her anymore to manipulate me about my siblings and nephews. I believe awareness is power, been aware of the situation can make you better deal with it.
@@Thebluediamoundvision831 I am African as well and also going through those things
@Savanna this happens in Caribbean families too. When you visit suddenly no one has any money and you are expected to fund everything especially when there is a funeral. They forget all the times that you sent barrels or parcels etc. They are also ungrateful so the next time I go I will be staying in a hotel. I will visit but I will not stay with them.
@@njemilenantan2269 I am American and I remember when my Jamaican friend used to go through this as well. She could never give enough and she was chronically depressed and broke. She would send her fam bins and bins of items that would take her months to purchase. When she finally sent them literally they would use it all up in the next couple of days and be back begging for me. She used to even send money to help them get their immigration papers and whatnot and they would never come to America, just spend the money in Jamaica.
I just want to move to another country and change my name. I don’t want to deal with their complicated drama and abuse, I never asked for any of this.
GIRL THIS CHAMELON EFFECT REALLY JUST HAPPENED TO ME with my family. Exactly like you said. So creepy. I praise God that I was led to watch your videos, this is confirmation. Sociopathic narcissistic family members are just too common because they hide behind smiles.
Reading the comments helps to let me know that I'm not alone.
I spend ages going through comments. Yes it is helpful
I distanced myself no one cared no one reached out. So I don’t understand the pressure I’m just free!
I have family I am no contact with because they are provoking, and victim playing. They tried to break down my boundaries and attack my mental health.
My aunt unmasked herself as mentally abusive and manipulative.
However the loneliness is easier than the anxiety I used to feel.
I let my mother back into my life after she destroyed my relationship with my siblings and Grandmother and 4 weeks ago she got upto her old tricks and now I'm back to square one. I'm never falling for it again. Now she's ignoring my daughters who have done nothing wrong. Absolutely shameless
My husband and I moved 1,400 miles away from my toxic family, relatives and their friends. It was the best thing we ever did. We're living our own lives again and not being scrutinized anymore.
There you go! Once you make that decision and finally move away, you look back and realize it was worth it. Good for you both.
Not even a wedding holiday or funeral will I allow myself to go back.I’ve been told Me and my kids are dead to them and they’ve already been to our funeral! And yet STALKING my every move on social media. But there’s absolutely nothing left there for me … 8 years happier and free
Those evil words they said over you will call me back on them.. Continue to guard your peace.
*Cutting a person off is real*
Especially when its family. It hurts the most. But u cannot keep anybody in your circle that makes you feel like crap.
The thing is, situations will come. You will run into somebody that treats u like crap...BUt u got the option to interact with them. Keep it moving. Find peace 1st...happiness will come after. I promise u💯
Thank you for this!
Amen 🙏🏽
I’m going to be just fine distancing myself from a toxic family member. Thank you for the information.😊❤
You're welcome!! Hope you find peace along the way.
I've tried this a couple of times, I have a forgiving heart. It's torture sometimes I also have poor boundaries 😞
I learn after two decades to have strong boundaries if I feel stress I disappear they’re not worth all the drama they cause
@@mmxw2294 ikr
ME TOO!!!
I don't know what it is but I could always keep a distance. My mental health, and peace means so much to me.
I’m nearly 20 years in on separating from my family. I’ve been doing the work this whole time. Weather it was books, coaches or therapy. The first ten years I had moments of double guessing my decisions. All of the therapists I saw constantly nagged me to rejoin but I resisted, I had an inkling that it was good for business. About seven years ago I discovered narcissistic family systems, it was like seeing the script that the alarming majority of people in my life were reading from. In this process that I am still deeply in, I have learned my experience was far worse than I could have ever realized had I not separated from them. I learned this type of abuse is the very definition of brainwashing, done to an infant into adulthood. There is no mystery to me to know hearing my mother or fathers voice could trip all those deeply grooved neuro pathways in my primal or subconscious mind. Who can fight that? How long does it take for someone to come back to baseline after one family event, it took me weeks. People need to be vindicated by seeing others do, say and think like they do. They will fixate on anyone stepping out of that arbitrary value. It’s all a bit easier when you expect to be manipulated to conform and to expect to be shunned when you don’t conform. I’ve been twisting in the wind by myself for a long time. But now I see all these people saying”no more” and calling all of this for what it is. My life is not perfect, I have many difficult struggles right now but one struggle I don’t have is with my wife and son. I wouldn’t have this if I stayed. For that I’m deeply greatful every day that I wake up.
Wow. I never heard of a therapist encouraging you to go back to the toxic environment. So glad you didn’t go back.
It took me many years of trying to distance myself from both of my parents & sister. The love I had for them kept me going back. I would feel so much guilt for staying away. Then, I had children of my own. I knew I didn't want them dealing with toxic grandparents. It was hard, but I cut them off completely. My mother still sends text messages & ask to speak to my children on their birthdays & holidays. Just seeing her phone number on my caller ID ruins the day. Its a huge trigger, just seeing it. After almost 12 yrs, I need to block her. I never respond. I'm afraid if I send back a simple "no" that opens a conversation & I do not want that at all. I still feel guilt, but I'm done.
I stumble across this video. I needed to hear this. The fake love and betrayal run deeps. You get tired of the underhanded and sneaky behaviors. As you mentioned the jealousy and manipulation. My piece of mind and self-love means so much more to me.
I'm glad this was helpful to you.
I completely understand the fatigue associated with this. So many families have to deal with this but never speak out. So more of these videos are coming on this channel.
@@TherapistTamaraHill Thank you 😊
The relatives I have are all of these things. What makes it worse is they think they can get to my son a minor and I refuse to allow him to be subjected to that environment.
Cutting off access and living your life away from these people is freeing.
Amen! This was perfect. A toxic family member completely stopped talking to me last year and now they are back, emailing, trying to go through other people but I don't respond. I felt such a relief and a peace when they left my life and sometimes I do get confused and think that I should reach out to them, but my insides won't let me. So I'm grateful for this video. Many Blessings 🌹
😊💖 I'm glad to hear that. Amen. Blessings to you too.
These family members are truly tiring. They are also quite blind. Our best route is out of their lives once they are found out.
I feel punished for living a life I choose. For having dignity and a loving family. My father wants to just waltz in wherever he pleases and treats everyone how he chooses, which is usually using us and abusing us with his nastiness. Since no contact I have felt love and self-control I never had when they were around, but also realize how they damaged me and how angry I am at them. I also feel sad that nothing good came out of all of this in terms of salvaging the relationship. You are spot on in what you are saying.
I find best thing to do with TOXIC people (anybody causes you grief ,anger ,sabotage you) is to treat them like they're not there . There are plenty of people I thought were my friends and years later turned out they were my worst enemies . I haven't talked to any of them since 1980 and have never lost any sleep over it . I only regret I didn't ditch them sooner to pursue more real worthwhile people
Well said. 100% agree!
I have finally decided to separate from my siblings, mother, son, and cousins. I'm drained mentally, spiritually, and physically. I've prayed continually for my mother yet she is battling many demons. She has changed, unfortunately for the worst!! My son has been the author of confusion for years. He actually was the mastermind in turning the family against me all because I would not accept his lifestyle. I'm walking away for my own peace. My family is so toxic, they go above and beyond to break me. I'll continue to pray, however, I will love them from a distance. This video has described everything that my family is currently doing as well as my feelings. Thanks so much for teaching us how to deal with this situation. God bless.🙏🏽
I distanced myself from my family in January of this year. I haven’t been on Facebook a lot this year in which I had it deactivated, well I recently got back on and usually I share things on my platform that I agree with or think it’s informative. Well I posted something as what you are stating in the video via tiktok and my brother replied to it and just called me all types of names. Made up things that he said I’m mad at and it was just ugly and nasty. Although that hurt, that was the confirmation I needed that I did the right thing!
A hit dog will holler.
This just validated everything I’m feeling and couldn’t put into words.
Something that’s also eating me is knowing that i may never see my father again. Being okay with the possibility that he may pass away in the meantime...😞
I'm sorry for this loss. It's a healing process in so many ways. Praying for your strength.🙏
Exactly the same here. Both Mother and Father . My sister , I don't know if it will affect me so much ......I could be wrong . When sexual , physical and emotional trauma is involved why and how can you stay around these people ? Even if they are old and claim or really don't remember their past actions . I still do and suffer CPSD from it . Sometimes all we can do is try and forgive and walk away .
I’m 19 and came a long way with dysfunctional family/emotional abuse. It caused me severe anxiety and I trip when I’m overwhelmed. I got pregnant at 17 and my life has been hell every since. I got kicked out and punished to suffer abuse, no one helped or gave me advice. I’m now in community college, graduating short term to transfer to an university which will be smart to find new people and I’m hoping to become an entrepreneur and move to another state to find myself by traveling. It’s hard to move on from family who tries to stop your every move and relationships with others.. but I’ve been getting money from school and a summer job program so I’m hoping I’ll be able to support myself financially on my own.
The existential discomfort is so real. Coming through it though. Time alone, reflecting, praying.
Faith and psychology channels like yours help. Peace & blessings to you!
This is key! So glad you are doing all of these things. God bless you!
Thank you so much for this. Being at peace is definitely better than anyone who's toxic. It may be lonely at times, but I have peace of mind.
You're welcome and well said. Agree!
A lot of my family members who judge me don't even have the right to do so. They be thinking they are better then me.but forget where they came from. And the crazy thing is they have done way worse then me. I have had to cut of my mother, sister, and distance myself from my oldest son.
Omg the "Chameleon Effect" hit the nail on the HEAD 🙌 I have actually used that exact term myself, when referring to certain narcissists in my life, "chameleons" lol
I made the stand a few years ago.....i am still so deeply saddened by it. Its God that gives me strength, my daughter, and a really supportive group of friends💯
I'm so glad I watched this I just needed to to hear how going back would just be giving in and for me giving in to them would mean giving up on me. I know I made the right choice but they are trying to get into my head. Thanks Tamara great video as always.
This is good Beth! I'm glad this was helpful.
Sometimes you may find yourself going back and forth and that's something you will experience a lot. That's ok. It's apart of the process.
@@TherapistTamaraHill I don't think I can afford to go back because I'm to aware of the way I've been wronged, but back and forth was always the way it went until this time and I know im better off out of the drama so I'm not looking back anymore. Theres point digging up the past to see if there a pulse.
I know how you feel...im going through that at this moment...my sister keeps on looking for help and when I come back for her she acts like im the one that looks for help by to verbally abuse me and always try to fight and gossip about me ...specially when she is drunk...I need to move on and find myself ..I feel lost and confused going back and forth for her...
Oh and when I was in hospital almost dieing of pneumonia, they dropped off a get well card and said they would rather go motorbike riding, the weather was too nice...
When it comes from family all I have is my wife and my daughter my mom and brother act like I don't exist but you what I gave it to God .
That's all you need joseph. I'm dealing with the same from certain family member's.
I just accepted the guilt and continued anyway. It does pass. In those times you have to practice loving self talk and behaviours.
Thank you,my dad completely abandoned us and would torture me emotionally with silence and not being there even while I was dealing with illness and my mother would support him and call me names,I would go back thinking she had change,bt then the hurt would start again,I needed to see this,I am not going back
You're welcome! And I'm very sorry to hear this. Never easy to cope with the reality of this. It sounds like you had two very unstable parents. And I hope you are not beating yourself up because you went back hoping she had changed. So many adult children do this out of a deep need for that maternal love. It's sad she couldn't reciprocate or show you what you were hoping for.
@@TherapistTamaraHill its so sad to just wrap myself around this,like I can remember just starving for 3days straight,begging for help and she would mock me,I was losing my biz,pple calling me a scam nt bcos I was one bt bcos my biz was in trouble and I needed help and my mum would laff at me,she even forced me to apologize to my dad,I did bcos I really needed the money,he completely ignored me,tried to kill myself and non of them even cared or called for days,i don't know how I will ever be able to forgive her,I know i have to forgive her for myself and for God but I just don't understand the explanation she's going to have when she comes back to beg,if she does anyways,how do you choose a man over your kids,how do you let a narcissist turn u into one?
@@TherapistTamaraHill bt you are right about 1 thing,d peace is indescribable,I no longer have someone making me hate myself,telling me I'm never good enough,lying,betraying me,forcing me to apologize to someone who abandoned me,the sad thing is,she doesn't realize that he has no love in his heart,you can't hurt pple like that if you have love,I am at peace with it,it hurts having to mourn your family while they are still alive bt I think I'm just okay with it,I come first
My birth family is all shattered to pieces, it wasn't hard to leave. My mom was the only one I talked to anymore and once I started to remember that cord was severed for good. They don't see me as a real human being, and that will never change.
I re- watched this tonight. Because this is exactly where I am with my family. I give till I’m beyond empty and it’s still not good enough. I’m so beyond done with every last one of them. This is the third Christmas in a row that they have ruined. Just their using me, verbal abuse. Childish behavior. And wanted to be treated like kings and queens. Yet having the accountability of a toddler. You spoke right to my heart and I appreciate it. Very much. Merry Christmas miss Tamara. You have been a voice of reason for me for the last almost 4 yrs. Thanks so much.
🤗Very glad to hear this video is still helpful to you! I'm sure you are doing great/better. Keep going if this is the healthiest thing you have done to maintain your stability within your family. Nothing is worth a loss of stability within yourself. Glad to still have you on the channel!
I really feel this. Peace & blessings to you 🙏🕊
Years later and I have suffered as a single parent of two children at the hands of my toxic ex and his close allies my parents. They even got involved in the ex court case that had nothing to do with them. All this and no contact for four years 🤷♀️ staying would have killed me but leaving isn’t a bed of roses unless you are single with no dependents and a good job. Good luck
P. S. You get to see the family dynamics and characters very clearly when you go no contact. I didn’t mean much to any of them and I don’t want to waste my time with those sorts of people that couldn’t care less
I'm sorry to hear this. This is very hard to live through.
But I do agree that you see the dynamics better in a family once you put up healthy boundaries or you separate. The way they behave should determine your course of action in the end.
I walked away 5 years ago thank God my mother is a narcissist my dad is a borderline personality disorder my entire family have high narcissistic traits
I'm so sorry. Parents like this are horrific and can inflict a lot of pain and sorrow that leads to trauma. Glad you found some peace.
I understand the chaos you describe. Years and years of therapy without it named. Both parents disordered- big time and the family the siblings highly narcissistic
I come to realize that family is love not blood🙏🏾
"An existential discomfort" wow!!! That is exactly where i am right now, 2 years after no contact.
So, I've gone very very low contact and I know it's for the best but I still feel like a lonely pathetic bratty little orphan. I want to get rid of this feeling of existential discomfort! When will it pass?!
Make it NO contact. That will sort you out. Youre still clinging on to something that is destroying you.
You have done step one, which is going away from them... Now you got to work on the trauma....
When family members compromised my salvation, I heard the voice of the Lord saying, come out from among them and be separated said the Lord and touch not the unclean thing and I will receive you, 2 Corinthians 6:17 and now I have inner peace and it feels wonderful.😇
2 Corinthians 6:17
New International Version
17 Therefore,
“Come out from them
and be separate,
says the Lord...."
Life is good when there is peace in your spirit and not just that I've finally see where my traits come from but generations are not meant to taking so I've choose to be different
I slowly distanced myself from my family about 4 years ago but officially cut the off about 2 years ago. I’ve been feeling bored, depressed, and unloved. This pandemic is not helping.
I'm so sorry. That's apart of the journey once you make that decision. Perhaps some reinforcement can help? Have you seen my video on existential decision making with toxic family? ruclips.net/video/BZ9MBE0sxRE/видео.html.
This might be helpful :)
i just came across this channel... am battling with toxicity from an elder sister and will be separating with her after my graduation. i am now leaving with her and its been hard to the point that my mental health is at stake.... am just fed up with her and this video will definately help....subscribed.
Welcome to the channel! I welcome you to my life chats on Friday at 7pm est nights. I read and answer questions/comments and teach you new ways to think through these things. And the lively chat box is the best part!
I'm sorry you have had to experience this. No one wants a family like this.
@@TherapistTamaraHill thank you so much...will definately show up.This should be 12pm for me in Kenya.x
This is one of the best videos I have watched on this topic. It perfectly described the aftermath of my decision to separate myself from my siblings. I’d get sucked back in repeatedly only to be hurt again. I’m standing firm this time and because of that they reach out to other family members and I’ve had to go through similar conversations as you described. Each time that happens it’s like reliving the original trauma.
I left home at 14 because my family were toxic. I went to my grandparents. I'm 55 now. My grandmother past away 2 weeks ago and I've been the closest person to her, and cared for her for 10 years or more. She was disabled and bowel and water incontinant. My uncle and I were the only people in her life all that time. Soon as she past my uncle pushed me out the funeral arrangements and his wives nephew started taking over. It's really hurt me. It's made me feel really used because now they don't need me to care for my gran they've abandoned me. I offer to help and I'm constantly told that other person unrelated to my gran is doing it. I'm very capible. I used to manage a pharmacy! But my uncle's slowing this even though my uncle and I are the executors of the will. I am so hurt by my family because I lost my gran my job and my daily social life and they've not once asked an I ok? I have to chase them to find out what's going on and I find I'm the last to know. then they had to go to see the vicar and took that person instead of me!! They then realised they didn't have the information they needed for the funeral service because I knew her better than them. Then they called me because they wanted something. I ignored the call. I decided to walk away from all of it, even the funeral. If I speak up in the bad guy, if I don't I'm the bad guy. I chose my self esteem and peace of mind and won't go back.
Bless your heart. I have found that people want you when you are healthy and doing everything.
Plus I have had so many cling ons in my life.
In my childhood all I would have wanted is a brother who loved me and he is a narc. All I got was physical and verbal abuse.
I did this when I was finally got fed up with my mom using my siblings against me, going on for years…the gossiping, the bullying, the gaslighting just horrible! My father left when I was 12, irresponsible unavailable father, left it to my mom to raise us but she has been so toxic it’s so sad! Shoot, they don’t even try to call me or visit(in the same town) they think I’m the crazy one and my mom says I make such a big deal and she shows no interest whatsoever about my feelings never has never will.
The existential discomfort is hard.
Yes, very much agree. Will talk about this soon.
Your description of your family dynamic sounded like you were describing mine. Whenever there is a family crisis we all "come together as a family" but as soon as it's over everyone goes back to toxic mode. I've already distanced myself from my siblings and have made the decision to distance/stop contact with my mom and this video describes what I'm experiencing. Thank you for this.
I just cut my mother out of my life. She was pretending to have memory issues despite me telling her I spoke to her doctor and she passed all the cognitive test with flying colors . Then when she thought I was recording her, she changed her tune once again. (She want me to live with her to take care of her.
They all have a book of tricks- it’s hilarious- not! Something similar happens with intimate partner abuse and their book of tricks. And workplace bullies.
Having heard your video series, it has opened my eyes and helped immensely with the inner struggle of simply letting go and know that is okay, and healthy to cut ties. Above all, forgiving...not so much for them, but for you as a way to move forward...Blessings to you and yours, Tamara.
Maribel, this is great! Thank you and you're welcome.
I agree that forgiveness is not so much about them but you. It lifts the burden you hold just being angry and defensive.
God bless you too!♥
I feel guilty for feeling good about being by myself. I just need to feel safe.
Same here went no contact only one day in, it hurts but I just can't do this anymore. I hope soon you will heal you're not alone.
@@IndigoDaffodil111 Thank you. I was doing okay- but, the holidays are difficult. I say to myself, "keep going, think of the people who truly love you, even if they are no longer here". Merry Christmas.
@@makaylahollywood3677 yes it is especially hard now over the holidays, but what would be harder is going back and doing the same thing over again. I hope you have a Wonderful Christmas and try and enjoy the little things about your new life. Be kind to yourself. I'm finding it difficult to do that if I'm honest also finding the guilt hard to cope with. I'm sure they are doing just fine though living life without a care in the world. I didn't even tell my family I'm going no contact. Nobody has even tried to look for me, anything could have happened to me as I'm still under as a vulnerable adult. I hope the guilt stops and I hope you can now feel good about you. You deserve that, you had to walk away from people you know were not giving you what you needed. In time you will become stronger and that sense of safety will build. 💚
@@IndigoDaffodil111 Hi Bella, this was good to hear. I walked away from them. But, recently contacted a sister- she seems to be just fine and don'ts seem t miss me at all. I don't feel better- i feel confused. I do have strong boundaries- and, I love my sister, but she doesn't always treat me right. We will be okay! Stay strong;-)
Very helpful video! I recently distanced from toxic family members and beginning to see some of these aftermath affects. Thank you, Tamara!
You're welcome and Thank you!! Glad it was helpful!
Go, run, make your life a peaceful place, and don't look back! They will not change in a thousand years! If they are interested to understand why, they would ask you! They know exactly what they did to you.... and don't want to look in their mirror!
"I do not want to hear it" is the family quote I tend to hear the most meaning that they don't care what happens to me.
Glad im watching this now instead of when first posted, because im going through the very things described right now. Had been distanced from toxic family for some time, but temporarily found it necessary to broach contact. Thought we could all be adults and move past the past, but it seems they put their whole spiel on pause for those years and resumed right where left off upon seeing me again. It is unfathomable how tightly they hold onto abusive patterns. So boundaries have to go back up, sadly.
Some people say the most beneficial part of the videos from last year and earlier are the comments, the responses to those comments, and time. Some people feel certain videos click more now than when it first was posted. So I totally get that!
I know you have to be shocked by these family members! The dynamic never really changes, even if you don't see them often or at all.
I needed this. Thank you so much! Particularly from a Dr. from our own community. The toxicity began when I was 8yo. I had a toe amputated, at Christmas time no less. Ironically, I also won a scholarship to college just before I lost my toe and they hated that my parents were proud of me. My siblings immediately made fun of me, called me "invalid", made songs up, etc. That never ceased. I am 50yo & FINALLY cut them off completely last year. It caused decades of suicidal thoughts, majordepression, isolation, etc. I felt INvalid. I became disabled during my pregnancy 22yrs ago. This completely destroyed my confidence and justified their impression that I indeed was an INVALID. Now I feel my son has joined them. He blamed me today for the life I couldn't give him and told me he hates me. I fear for my own eventual inevitable emotional "fallout"...
That thing about death, man.... When my brother passed, everyone was toxic still around it, pretty heartless, and my sister was even cruel and trash talking my brother days after he passed. Even tho he had never been mean of toxic back in his life, and he was my only family member I really felt cared for me and I loved him.... after seeing the utter disregard and disrepectfullness, and abusiveness, and no remorse for how they treated him, no reflection of life and death and living a life worthy to be proud of, that was it for me, I could finally see just how dark and cold their hearts were. It was unfathomable to me!! Life is sacred and it matters how you live it and how you treat others along your way, and if someone doesn't even feel regret or bad for how they treated someone so cruel who was so kind, even after they tragically die, what is that if not evil?
Tragic death of siblings. Changed nothing. It’s shocking in an educational “ functioning” bunch of adults. The loss of my brother to suicide. Is less than the loss of what’s followed. Such a tragedy.
Compassion to you in your suffering.
I am trying to push my mental illness to the side so that I can manage a work schedule that helps me to get enough money to relocate. Thank you for this video. I really needed this.
i regret not leaving this city when i was 19 years old and childless with so much ahead of me in life.
Yeah, I no longer want to push my MH aside! For a job that wouldn’t be able to commit too and do a stellar job no matter what it is, until I get my MH in line and feeling more balanced! I’ve spent my life pushing it aside, self medicating and it’s gotten me no where!!! I’m welcoming clarity, balance, self compassion
Thank you very much, you are right the only thing is to distance yourself from the peoples that make you feel bad.
You're welcome! Sometimes that's the only way to peace.
All family ain't good family has been a life I had to live. Do it! Leave them, or forever have drama from them.
Then you have to work on YOU. Yeah, not easy. Especially, after living as a zombie through life.
Agree 100%
8:14 omg yesssss it's so helpful to have this not only acknowledged but given a title!!!
You are amazing. I really needed to hear this today. I’m definitely going thru existential discomfort. Knowing that it’s normal, gave me great comfort. Thank you :)
Thank you!!
You are so welcome!! :) I'm very glad this was helpful to you. It's amazing how comforting understanding and validation is.
I have struggled about what to do with my daughter's actions for quite some time. Thank you for giving me the knowledge and understanding that what she is doing is abusive, and that it is ok to just let her go. Distancing from her is where we are for half a year at a time, when she causes drama where there need not to be any, and then stops talking to me. But now you have empowered me to make it permanent and not to go back to the see-saw. Thank you for the education process that you provide.
Hi Christine, you're welcome!! And thank you for watching.
You have to do what is best for you in your situation.
Thanks to everyone for your posts...I'm working on the trauma bonds created with this family and it is not easy but it is necessary...xoxo
Facts!!! I am finally 6 yrs later done with he be at the complete expense of my grandchildren …… don’t these young adults realize how short life is… when you gaslight your family and LIE causing trauma within your family. You’re ruining your family!!! Why!??????
Wow so grateful to find this video and you Ms. Hill! I had a feeling that there were others out here in the world that have similar experiences and beliefs and I feel validated that I am not alone and now have a place to help me channel my energy and ideas and even emotions around this topic. I am middle aged and still have living parents who are in their 90s and have basically showed me that they were always toxic. I have siblings that like me, have been traumatized by my parents' bad and toxic parenting and now exhibit their beliefs and actions upon themselves and those in their lives. I have made very difficult decisions to separate myself from both parents and for over 4 years now, I feel that I am about to have to drop my siblings who sometimes invalidate my feelings about my own trauma and their trauma mostly brought on by my parents. They are in denial or angry when I tell them that I don't wish to visit or see my parents as they are aging. I am solid with my belief that I am the adult child that finally has a say in who I want to be in my family. Right now, it is close friends and a few far away relatives. I can finally choose who I deem a true family member.
Great work and please keep up with the great and insightful as well as much needed videos!
Thank you!
Grateful to have you on the channel too!! Thank you!
This is a tough topic for me to balance on this site because we ALL want to respect our parents, elders, and those who have cared for us as children. However, because the world is imperfect and we are fighting "a battle every single day," it is important that we understand that the "systems" we have created out of tradition (i.e., parent-child relationship, husband-wife relationship, etc) isn't always what it seems and can be very harmful if the "players" are unhealthy.
I'm glad you are learning and expanding your views.
The age is meaningless. They can live a very very long time and nothing changes. Except people use the age of the parent against you.