When You’re Accused of Being The Abuser
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 18 сен 2024
- A narcissistic divorce can be a very traumatic experience and can be made worse when your abuser accuses you of being the narcissist or the emotional abuser in the relationship. This can trigger strong emotions and in this video I will talk about what does it mean, why does it bother us and ultimately what we can do about it to help our own recovery.
Find more information at www.dadsurvivin...
I wish I knew all this three years ago. I didn't even know, then, what a narcissist was until she, my ex, accused me of being one. I began to research it and found that it is her who is one. I made the mistake of "firing back" at her in defense of myself. It was so frustrating, mentally, and emotionally draining. I felt like I was going insane! My biggest problem is not being able to really talk to others because they just don't understand and cannot help. It's a long and lonely road even though I know I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing your insights!
Hi Broken Soul, yeah this is a very difficult experience to endure. Hopefully knowing you're not alone helps a little bit. I really think the ex sent me an email in the first few months accusing me of the same thing. I remember having to look up the term because I didn't know what she was talking about. I lost the email but to this day I wish I could get it back to see what exactly she wrote. Not having people who understand is a very isolating experience. People who don't know, just don't understand what we're going through. They are also going to think you are part of the problem. I guess the one take-away from those comments is that they see your ex being stupid the bad part is they think you are too. At least you're figuring it out now. You at least have a chance to regain your sanity and your life back. Think about the pour souls who still don't know and are living a continual nightmare with any real support. -Duane
Same
You are not alone...
I have been through it...
With my ex...
My ex’s boyfriend..
And my family...
I feel that if people want to believe them..
Then let them....
They know me...
That I wouldn’t do the things he or she says...
It is not worth worrying about...
It’s not worth it...
Just have to move on...
Broken Soul-
Broken soul Same thing here, I to didn’t know what a narcissist or what gas lighting was until my ex accused me. What’s kinda funny but really it’s not. In the beginning when my ex was love bombing me she actually told me that my ex was diagnosed of being Sociopathic I was so naive that I thought oh well she just doesn’t do good in crowds of people. Lol. Now if my ex would’ve told me that she was diagnosed of being a psychopath I would have ran because I seen the movie.
DSD how are you? We spoke a long time ago. Last we spoke I think via email or through here on youtube I had left behind an abusive relationship. After a pair of years I ended up in another abusive relationship but this narcissist is malignant. She managed to open up a DV case on me and she is planning on making false allegations on me. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this plus there’s our baby in the mix which she took without my permission. To make it even mor complicated is that my name is not on our sons birth certificate. I don’t know if you would be able to talk for some advice or comfort or if you know of anybody who can give me some free legal advice because I fear being broke as I’ve hired an attorney but I’m not sure if he really understands what I’m about to face in court. Please let me know if there’s any help that I can get. Thank you for everything you do!!!
I got called abusive. Basically having boundaries and holding the other person responsible for their bad behaviour is abusive. What I did was say, "If I'm such an abusive husband, why are you still staying? You can call the police and have me arrested". She changed topic and did not answer.
LOL exactly Vertias! That one a big one for me - and everyone was like “You’re having a problem because `she` is standing up for herself”. It wasn’t like I was able to tell people, “No, I’m NOT setting boundaries and she doesn’t like it”. It’s all about shaming tactics and control - it’s all manipulation to try and get control. Great response to get her to stop. -Duane
What I have learned is to call them on the bullshit, name the tactic they are using especially when our son is around so he understands what is going on. He recently called her bat shit crazy to her face, was priceless the look on her face.
I did talk to son afterwards to say be careful not to go too far in comments or actions. There is a balance.
I had the exact same conversation with my covert narcissist father! He has been smearing me, claiming he is the victim of my domestic abuse and violence. I picked up the phone, gave it to him, and said "call the police, please, report me." All he could say was "that would be ridiculous." He continues to smear my name and call me "a horrible bully and abuser."
Going no contact for good this year.
Call the bluff. Well done 👏
It's tough when it starts affecting your employment and social life
Yeah special in today’s era because people are now more judgemental and unforgiving then they were in the 90s and 80s.
For sure.... your friends and business associates avoid you because they don't want to deal with your extremely narcissistic girlfriend.....they literally ruin you life...YOU MUST ESCAPE....without your valuable possessions being destroyed.... don't forget....they will put all the blame on you....
@Phil King I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how it would be the worst thing. This is atrocious
It's tough when it DESTROYS your entire life and stresses you so bad your health goes to the pot and you end up in the hospital with things like A BRAIN HEMORRHAGE (like what happened to me) or HEART ATTACK OR STROKE... Yeah it can get REAL BAD. THANKS TYRANNICAL GOVERNMENT!!!
@@SailingSarah Truer words...! 🗽🙏👍
My ex from FOUR YEARS AGO, just decided to label me as an abuser on social media. My full name and all. This coming from someone who lied, cheated, and gaslit me about it for YEARS. Never once have I laid a hand on her, nor anyone, ever. Absolutely insane that I am having to research the internet for advice on this, but here we are. I will not retaliate in any way.
Sorry bro! Our Society is %#&K^P I hope you can get some solace!
This is sadly textbook angry X behavior. I am so sorry you went through that. :(
Same but without names. She monkey branched, ghosted. And then you are that "abuser", "sociopath", etc.
She's diagnosed with BPD.
Ohhh boy... I was abused for years, thought I was going crazy, thought I was the wrong one, I didn't want to live anymore... life had become to heavy... everybody around me was pointing me fingers as if I was guilty of everything that was happening. I knew something wasn't right but I still felt the weight of the responsibility for what was happening, because I was believing in all of them. If one person gaslighting you makes damage, imagine 5 or 6!
Took me years to understand that I was actually a victim... like an abused child when abused thinks this happened to her because of something she has done, and nobody believing the little victim, or someone who hears doesn't believe the child and believe what the abuser says.
I was this kind of victim, until one day I understood... was so clear... I was the victim and the abuser was saying I was the one doing the abuse!
Now I am free of those accusations, they don't even hurt anymore...
Yes, it is possible... Freedom and No pain!
When my narc is accusing me of things I think back to what kind of person I was before I met them and try & remember that is who I really am & I try to get back to that & also add improvements to that "person" . I have to make a conscious effort to do that because they convinced me that I am something that I'm really not, I feel like a puzzle in a million pieces all over the floor & I'm slowly picking up one piece at a time & trying to connect it with the others!
Hi PlayMisty4Me, that is *so very common*. I’m not sure if I said it in that video but I remember meeting a friend from high school (20+ years later) after the divorce and I said who I wanted to become (calm, positive, etc) and he paused and said, “that’s who you were in high school, and that’s why I was friends with you”. My point is during the trauma of the relationship, especially how long you’ve been there, it’s hard to connect back to who you were before. I’d encourage you to checkout my bit.ly/MindsetForNarcRecovery playlist. It has a lot of great information to help you through this. I think the Absolute Thinking and Blackhole Thinking videos would be VERY important for you - but you may have to watch through the list and then go back to those. I like your analogy of the million piece puzzle and picking it up one piece at a time. -Duane
Dad Surviving Divorce thank you Duane, it's a comfort to know others are trying to work thru this also, I will check out that playlist today! The judge is having us take turns at the house, tomorrow I will be back with the boys so I'm really trying to use this time for self-improvement & healing but it is very hard, I try really hard to focus on the kids & realize that even when it's his time with them that at least they aren't seeing & learning anymore narcicistic abuse patterns & that maybe there is some calmness in the house. Thank you for creating resources to help others get thru this!
I’ve heard about that where the kids stay in the house and the parents move around. I couldn’t imagine how in the world that would even work. Honestly the one “nice” thing about not having full custody is that you do have time to work on yourself. It’s hard at first but the time is good. I mean even on the working-father/parent-side it is hard to go from a busy loud house to nothing when everything is gone. -Duane
PlayMisty 4me amen
Wow. I have to do this often. I feel like that part of me is dead, I remind myself over and over of who I was before him, and outside of him.
Wow, your comment at 2:13 about how they view your establishing stronger personal boundaries as controlling is insightful. I never thought about it that way.
It was pretty bizarre Jed, I started saying “no” to things to hear and what I started hearing from her therapist and custody evaluator that *she was standing up for herself* and that is why *I was having a problem.* It wasn’t as though I could explain to them it was different. I just let it go - but it sure what surprising and frustrating. It is *amazing* how they can find every angle to play the victim. After a while you realize they are *trapped* as a victim and they will forever be in that mentality. At least we get to move forward and regain our lives! It would just be nice if it wasn’t such a long process! -Duane
I had to learn (am still learning) that every critical or negative thing she says to me is a projection of her feelings about herself. Once you can wrap your head around that bit of crazy, you can begin to detach. Otherwise you become fully sucked into the madness and believe the things she's saying.
Very well said Jed that is absolutely the truth! -Duane
Yes! And I've been called selfish for establishing boundaries as well.
Yep. Called controlling, selfish, and poison everytime my husband and I set boundaries.
A useful expression is this: "I know she's going to be telling some lies about me, some absolute whoppers! But the people who just believe her aren't worth bothering with. The people who matter know what's what." I used this when meeting a bunch op parents from my son's school who the ex-wife had probably smeared me to. And that was the end of it. Everyone was fine with me. All I felt I needed to say about her was "she's a fake". I didn't elaborate.Thanks for sharing this, it gives me reassurance as a checklist that I've done things right. good tip about coming across as "rational". Very important!
Hi Stephen and welcome to the channel! That is a really great mantra and I’m glad you’ve been able to navigate the school situation. It’s really frustrating when you know smears are being run against you. If you can just be calm and “normal” people typically can see through it. There are always going to be those select few that will believe everything she says - but just stay away from them! Thanks again for the great comment and perspective! -Duane
I constantly tell myself this, but my ego and pride just have to be right....
This video really struck a nerve.
After I ended my relationship with my ex, I was regularly incited by accusations of abuse. When she first started publicly accusing me of abuse, I reacted by letting it slide as best as I could. It tore me up inside but I had suspected that she had BPD during the last part of our relationship. I had done a good deal of research on BPD and knew that those accusations were not coming from a rational place so I knew it wasn't me.
But the accusations became more and more powerful and public. I was lucky, my standing in the community was good and her's was deteriorating but it didn't stop her from bringing new people into the fold. I worked in a cafe at the time and she would regularly bring new people into the cafe and I could feel her bringing them in just to see me and warn them about me. Its funny, as bad as she made me out to be, she would always come to the places she knew I would be and make me uncomfortable.
As I watch more and more videos on narcissists I am seeing my own experiences mirrored in the way a narcissist manipulates and feeds of a person. I've seen many of the same traits of BPD and narcissism expressed in my relationship with my ex, are they exclusive or can you have both? My ex's mother was diagnosed with BPD and her symptoms most closely match BPD's but the manipulation arc that I've experienced is exactly how you and others describe covert narcissism.
This video was so right-on in so many ways and was so reflective of my own situation. And you really rose to the top of the narcissist video pack when you asserted that by taking revenge on the narcissist, you really just delay your own recovery. Your message is so important and true for me, it really hit my heart. Thanks so much.
Hi Hank well first sorry you’re going through this experience because none of them are any fun. I’m glad that she is “your ex” though and you are learning about these disorders so you understand what happened and can recognize these traits in any future relationship (which I would highly encourage you to wait on until you are healed from this experience).
Hank I completely understand why a lot of other channels talk about revenge and such but it really does trap you in that negative mindset and keeps you connected with the person. It’s much *easier* to be angry and bitter but it just doesn’t help you get to where you want to really go in your life.
Thank you for the feedback and your experience. I’m glad this video was helpful for you! -Duane
Henry damn man, I feel like you are telling my story. I feel alienated from her friends her family, in separation currently, I believe she may suffer from BPD with expressive narcissistic traits, are family counselor told me in private that he couldn’t even deal with a person like that. My empathy gets the best of me sometimes because I know it’s a sickness, but it’s so stressful dealing with someone that may have this disorder, I just now have gotten a lot of clarity.
I think my wife has that BPD one day nice like nothing happened then when I'm home on weekends she lets me have it by end of weekend I want to go back to work so not with her.
I'm a really calm mellow dude but nothing made me wanna put my fist thru a wall than this especially cause she does it when I'm trying to bring up my legit concerns and feelings ur great man I can't thank u enough u Really nail it in all ur vids. this Hurts soooo bad cause I tried so hard and spent years trying to figure out of its all my fault wow all this info and ur vids is the most sane sensible stuff I've seen in years
still never punched anything or anyone tho that's her game but man this just made me so emotional and angry when she does this
Oh thanks RVNEZ I really appreciate that! I hear you though - it really does hurt because we are so invested in the relationship. I know for me I wanted that illusion to be true so the idea of accepting that it wasn't was something I just couldn't do (well at least not for 20 years). When everything fell apart - when the facade broke down - I just couldn't believe it was a lie - that it wasn't true. That is such a painful part of this experience. I'm really glad the videos are helping and hopefully that pain is starting to subside. -Duane
Dude youre stronger than me then because ive punched a wall a few times, and slammed doors
Yep, exactly. Me too. This guy nailed it.
Hi Koby, that is *completely* understandable. When your buttons are push and your nerves are agitated I think it is very normal to respond in that way. People like this have a unique way to screw with you *trying* to get a reaction and response. Hopefully as you learn they are *trying* to get you to do it you can recognize it - and knowing that hopefully will help you keep yourself under control. -Duane
Yes! Finally some videos that talk about rebuilding OUR own lives! Instead of constantly worrying about their nonsense. I have dealt with 15 years with this and I can honestly say engaging with them has never ever ever been worth it....EVER. It only delayed my growth, my dreams, my time with good people and good things.
Jackie Brown I hear you my last 25yrs been delayed.
The hardest thing for me was when my abuser who admitted to police I never tried to contact him starting publicly accusing me of harassment, harassing his family, d0xxing, trying to get him swatted, and of having CP. To this day I don't understand how he got people to believe him without a shread of evidence, but he somehow managed to successfully convince people that I was a petty and malicious monster who only wanted to ruin his life. It breaks my heart how many people in the comments have also had malicious rumors spread about them by their abusers in an attempt to discredit them.
I think it's because they have zero guilt about saying lies and can do it with a straight face. People are not used to people making things up like that so they assume that it must be true because why would anyone just "make"something up like that. The really frustrating part is this normally hits when you are just realizing you've been a target/victim of the abuse only to be painted as the abusive/crazy person.
Duane, another great vid. It is true that a 'classic' trait of a narcopath is to accuse you of what they are guilty of. Knowing this is a key to acceptance. As you say, people will see your 'non abusive' behavior, and recognize this. Especially your children.
Exactly Robert, as you said *the key* is *acceptance*. I know personally I wasted so much time and caused more problems for myself and my children because I *incorrectly* felt I *had* to defend myself. -Duane
Defending yourself against the unreasonable is not do-able....energy absorbing mindfuckery. Look to the future....and refocus.
Exactly, change your focus to yourself and your future! -Duane
I really think it excites them to make a mess of their targets emotions etc etc...and the term 'mindfuckery' just seems to be blatant and crude enough to be a reminder of the truth. And this is the only way for 'normal' genuine people to avoid the dangers, which are real. For them, just believing that they can continue to exercise control over you and your recovery etc, even if they are guilty of everything under the sun, gives them a buzz and rush of adrenalin.....
Wow. Thank you for this video. I am in a bad situation of false accusations of abuse. Framed and set up and arrested. This was so spot on and helpful.
2 false accusations of Domestic Violence, a Protective Order for her and our 5 year old son, GasLighting to police, family and friends, smear campaign, flying monkeys etc etc nearly caused me to commit suicide. Almost 2 years into this (found Not Guilty on Appeal) and her Cov Narc fat arse will be mine in the Family Court. On the surface their lies look like the truth, but scratch the surface and their 'story' falls apart. Stay strong Brothers and Sisters against the Jezebel Spirit xx
Robert Palmer hang in there, they reveal themselves eventually, until then sending solidarity
@Robert Palmer - Just wondering how you are going with thing's brother and how thing's are going in the Family Court. You (and me) are doing it tough and we are in the same boat. I live in Sydney, Australia and I have 12+ months to wait before I can get my ex in court and expose her. i am doing this by cross referencing her police Witness Statement against calls made to child services and cross referencing these documents again against her Affi Davit in the Family Court. I hope you are able to do this also. STAY STRONG BROTHER....
Plz pray for me ,Im being abused and he's accusing me and I need prayers for favor and protection. He wants to kill me
@@blueberrydefendersuperb1606 - Go to the police and report your allegation would be my advice. You do not need to fear him and a common ploy is to blame the victim. Good luck, stay safe and have an ESCAPE PLAN to get you and your kids somewhere safe if needed WITHOUT the abuser knowing where...
My wife says I was a bad father I did as much as I could I work nights sleep in the day I drive tractor trailer she would let kids have parties when I was at work they almost burnt house down she said she is raising kids she did a fine Job my youngest didn't get diploma my oldest barely graduated she brain washed kids they still live at home both in their 20s want them out the oldest treats me like her and youngest doesn't talk to me they live in my house and don't help I said they need to get out she said so your gonna abandon your kids like your family did to you. She tells me to shut up all the time her family thinks I'm the jerk my cousin stayed one night at my place he's retired Navy Officer he seen it he said you need to get out of that marriage I was on video call he said leave that loser wife move to Florida with your dad wife herd it now it's worse she thinks I said stuff I said he saw how you treat me my son said he wants to fight my cousin that's not good my cousin did Iraq and Afghanistan my son will get hurt. I'm glad people from the outside see how I'm treated.
I'm not going to lie, I came to this video biased and thinking 'he's a guy.' (Shame on me.) But after listening to you, my opinion changed. You sound wise and like you've done the work to improve yourself. This wasn't an ex-bashing video. This was a realistic video on how to find a little peace. Thank you.
Hi +Melissa Reynolds thank you for that. I hear you though, a lot of videos/channels from guys are really negative and that doesn't help anyone. I've worked hard to have a helpful channel. Thank you for taking the time to check the video out and to comment. Welcome to the channel! -Duane
Melissa Reynolds, as of being a "guy" means we are wrong unless until proven otherwise? I don't get your comment.
This is why it's so hard for men to get away. Society doesn't listen. They scoff. Only women can be victims, but I've lived and seen this first hand.
Shut up bitch
@@desijattdj seriously? If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing. That was totally uncalled for & you seriously need to work on yourself, as the rest of us are trying to. Im sure you'll call me something derogatory as well. Thats your right. But this really isn't the place to bash anyone. As she said- he's a great guy, whose life lessons have brought him to this point. He's trying to help others. Not gender specific, really. Please seek the help you so obviously need. Im hoping you already have. Prayers, D
The only good advice for anyone dealing with a narcissist is to GET AWAY FROM THEM!
Very true Wake Up - it's not good to be around them at all...
Absolutely bc
Yessss!!! No good will ever come from such a person, NEVER!
They need serious mental help and they should be able to invent medication for all personality disorders.
@Gemma Dann that makes perfect sense and it’s a shame that nobody takes personality disorders seriously like other mental disorders because it gets harder to intervene at 12 to 13 years of age what you said.
Your videos are only increasing in value. What’s cool is, Narcissism is not only the same around the world it’s ageless. You’re right about them exposing themselves if you leave them alone and just move on. Rewatching your videos now that I’m at a different stage. Great stuff, you’re the man!!!!!
Thanks for that I really appreciate it. Isn’t it amazing how messages/videos mean something different when you’re at a different stage? Glad you’re moving on the a different stage. Every stage is a step closer to being done with all of this!
I watched hundreds of videos and it helped. I was able see clearly of his actions. The videos gave me confidence and not to doubt myself.
That is a really great point and I think someone that *most* people struggle with Kisha. It is so easy to get into that viscous cycle of self doubt. That is the main reason I recommend people use absolute thinking to *remind* themselves what is real so you don’t get caught in that. This entire process is very painful but it is those early (dark) days were things are *really* difficult. Having that validation that what you went through is real is extremely important. Without that you can drive yourself crazy trying to rationalize everything that happened. I’m definitely glad to hear you are doing much better! -Duane
Me too
Ultimately actions always speak louder than words. It's painful. But the truth will be seen by others eventually. Good luck to all.
Yes eventually, sometimes it happens when we don't care anymore. It's unfortunate that all of this can not happen quicker so we can get that validation while in the mists of the pain and trauma. -Duane
Absolutely. More often the truth comes out when you don't really care anymore. If it happened sooner, I'm sure the healing would be quicker.
Hi harlequin75 and welcome to the channel! Yeah, we have to go through that self-healing pain and then when it doesn't matter - well or like you said not as much. -Duane
This is EXACTLY what he does, and I’ve been starting to think “AM I abusive? Did I cause this because told him (and finally yelled towards the end) how horrible he’s treating me and my son, and that I can’t understand how he can be like so evil without a care in the world, with no remorse or change at all while saying sorry constantly. I’ve been away from our marital home hiding from him for 7 weeks now with zero contact, filed for divorce immediately after so left. I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions dealing with all of his countless lies, how fooled he had me (I feel so stupid and blame myself), the betrayals, broken promises, the mind games, the scheming behind my back, the complete disregard for how his actions affect me and my son (and anyone for that matter), how he cares only about his image, materialistic stuff, and all his many guns (while cutting off from all marital accounts, my car, etc.) and also the physical abuse too (which to me is easier to deal with than all the mental crap because bruises/cuts/etc. you can see. Point being, listening to this helped so much during this time of feeling pretty isolated from the world. It’s very hard stuff to go through. Thank you again.
Yeah it really is and it start to make you question your own reality. I agree with you that physical abuse is easier to deal with because its right there in your face whereas the mental/emotional is so subversive. I do want to clarify one thing though - you say your/my son so does that mean he was a step son to him or was he biological? It's harder when they are doing this crap to their own child... But the reality is they really don't care about anyone other then themselves when they are high on the NPD scale...
DSD Zac is my son, not his biological son, nor has he adopted him. Funny thing, when I wrote that comment above I literally thought to myself “I bet Duane is going to catch the “my son “ part thinking either he’s not my husband’s son or that I’m like an abuser who claims the children as “mine”. You’re smart.
No, I've even said "my" kids from time to time - just wanted to check. The sad reality is there is a STRONG chance that even if he was his son that he'd do the same thing. But being a step makes it even easier to be a POS - but the reality is he'd probably do it either way... But at least the good point is that you're not connected to him afterward. Had he adopted then you'd be stuck with this person for a LONG time. At least this way once it's over and you disentangle yourself you should be free...
DSD And YES, you nailed it... it does make it easier for my husband who has no children to be a POS. He is doing everything possible to hurt me and Zac while we are nomads hiding from him. It makes zero sense. What does he really want? Just “supply”? Is that really all it is?
It really depends - its either to punish you to get you to conform (or somehow NOT go after him out of fear), prove to himself that he can still control your emotions (basically just get supply), or if he is going after your reputation its to make sure if you try to expose who he really is no one will believe you. Typically if you look at the person as a 7 year old with that reasoning skillset then their actions start to make more sense because it's immature and is irrational for an adult. Now if he is more malignant or maybe even more on the psychopath side of things then it could be all of the above but with a more sadistic evil side to it - if that makes any sense.
Its so hard to NOT react to their copious lies
I responded with anger for a long time and he loved it because it only confirmed his lie to be true. Now I know the truth and have accepted my role in ....Now I see through the lies and no more anger for me. Just getting smarter in order to find my way out of this mess without further hurt to me or my children.
K I was just talking about this on Tuesday’s live show - how our negative responses hurt us and “confirm” their versions of reality. You are absolutely correct that was we start to see this and make changes we that really help our lives and diminish the toxic impact of our cluster-b exes! -Duane
@@DSDhi Duane, what is the title of that live show on Tuesday you are referring to?
I have a friend (long distance), who I’m just realizing may be a “sweet narcissist”. She gave her husband the boot last year and had all of her supportive friends on the phone as she explained how he was. Shocking for me, to say the least. Didn’t seem like his character that I knew. Then she’d say, “Believe me when I say that there is only one side to this story.” And ,”If you hear anything about me, don’t believe it.” Prior to their separation, we’d meet on girls trips, and I detected such a self-centeredness about her. I suspect after 17 years of marriage, he set up boundaries, and she couldn’t take it and called him abusive to everyone that would listen to her. Now she keeps insinuating that I’m in an abusive relationship with my husband, constantly texting, “how are you?” and “I’m worried about you.” My husband and I have a good laugh over it.
I'm in the middle of getting out if this after 10 years of the emotional abuse, verbal abuse which even turned to her being physical. Yet I can not stop feeling guilty and like its all my fault and I deserved it all.
That's what happens feeling guilty just got to take that leap I've been feeling guilty I made my mind up gonna go for divorce I need my sanity back.
Thank you again. We're all humanbeings. I was acting crazy after discard and also thinking if I was the narcissist.
That is so very common Petriina I think *most* of us go through that phase were we think we must be NPD because - an NPD doesn't know they are one... The key difference is a true NPD wouldn't ever even think about them being the problem...
For me the biggest issue is not that I want to fight or desire some payback, I could not care less about what my ex is doing. BUT after relentless emotional and psychological abuse, after months and months of blaming and gaslighting I completely lost sight of what has happened when I left with my reality shattered to pieces. Now, I have worked hard to put my mind back together, I know exactly what my ex has done when and where but there is still some nagging doubt in the back of my brain, doubting everything what has happened and asking whether or not I have been the abuser all along or am to blame at least partially for all of it. Every single time my implementation of no contact gets depicted as some abusive discard and 'proof' of my evil doings, every time I am depicted as having been abusive that nagging voice in my head gets louder. I have to fight back, as cool and calm as possible, for no other reason than that being the only way (for now at least.... maybe that changes, it is only 6 months since I have left) for me to keep my reality together, ground myself and reinforce the realty of what actually happened. I do not even care that much about others believing me or not, for me staying silent and letting those claims stand undisputed only reinforced the notion of there being something shady with me as well.... It is difficult to deal with this crap....
I just fell into this situation a couple of days ago. I never questioned myself about this subject until the day she told me I am the emotional abuser. Sure thing, I've done mistakes in my relationship. But I never had the actual intention to hurt her. She is living with her sister for the time being during this pandemic. She started flipping on me on every single thing that I'd say ever since she sleeps at her sister's place. I tried to defend myself, wrote paragraphs but she ignored me. I shouldn't have done that but I guess you learn through experience. She also accused me of trying to control her. I haven't been sleeping well over the last couple of days. Those accusations did really hurt me and the fact she is ignoring my calls and my texts doesn't help. I'd go for long walks trying to remember the things that I've done, I made several researches on narcissism, emotional abusers, etc. Man, life sometimes can throw the biggest thunder of your life at your spot.
I really appreciate your perspective. It really does hurt and frustrate to be called the abuser. I think that I was still hoping in some sense to have my feelings validated. For the spouse to acknowledge any part of what they did to contribute to a bad situation. It will never happen. The same part of me seems to keep looking for reasonableness where there just isnt any. It is also yet another tactic or manipulation to stir up emotions and distract I believe. Thanks again for the wonderful insight and time you put to helping others. Its inspiring and encouraging
Duane, your contribution to those of us that absorb your words is herculean.
Thank you rub with the wind! 😀
You are such a great man and i cant. Thank you enough.when i get upset and frustrated i yell shout and thats when he sit down and enjoy watch me go crazy and if there is anybody like mom or somebody else than he makes them belive that i am the abuser and it makes me sick
Thank you for caring enough to go way out of your way to help. Your honesty and understanding of the nightmare we go through and how to deal with it, even in different scenes is so appreciated.
Thank you Helen I really appreciate that! I also appreciate you saying this on an older video - I was still figuring out this RUclips thing and some of those early videos were a little rough. So thank you very much for the feedback!
This really, re!) etc, etc. and crushes me daily. One year out of a 11 year relationship.... best thing I did was put a restraining order on them.. NO REGRETS... protect your self, people. Be well. By the time you put the pieces together you're likely deep in... and it's terrifying. Start filming all conversations, be aware of all interactions and do not give them opportunities to create narratives that could be spun against you, stop alcohol/drugs.. you need to be on your game...
Spike your right I'm gonna start taking pictures on the dirty house her sister over every night her yelling her family trying to set me up her brother said in my house get a hooker she was putting my family down and praying hers I said that's why your brother said get a hooker he denied he said it that was a set up she said her brother wants to talk screw him thanksgiving don't want to be with her family her other brother acts like he a king because he's born again he's the worst will tell you to shut up I wasn't even talking to him I was talking to nephew he said take the conversation elsewhere I don't need to hear it I told wife if he talked to me in my house like that I would tell him to leave she said her brother would kick my ass I think it's funny since he has back problems high blood pressure diabetic and 300pounds I do physical work 200 pounds in fairly good shape would love this loser to take a swing.
I Really Like The Dedication This Guy Puts Into His Channel
The Time And Effort
Good Job :)
Hi Media Frenzy thank you for that I really appreciate it! I keep trying to improve and make things better and easier for you to watch. It is definitely a continuous improvement project! I also recently started a podcast as well! Thanks again for the support and encouragement! Welcome to the channel! -Duane
This happened to me. Almost 7 years married, in October 2017 she said she didn’t love me anymore because I didn’t pay enough attention to her. She started doing everything separate from me, I found out about credit card fraud and infidelity, so when I filed for divorce in March of 2018 she started telling her family and friends that I was an abuser. I wouldn’t tell her anything. We had our settlement meeting and I still cannot get her out of my house.
Its hard for a Man to even admit they have been the victim of narcissistic abuse. Man is told to toughen up. But I've experienced it first hand with my current boyfriend and his ex wife. She has done everything you have talked about in this video. Its been a nightmare. Nice to know other people out there understand.
It's really tough siobhan and unless you've witnessed this first hand you just can't understand it. It is definitely a nightmare and you both are not alone.
My wife made a 911 call and said that I tried to attack her with a knife and that I beat the crap out of her I was not arrested the police got my wife out of the house and asked me if I wanted to make a statement I did my wife continued with the accusations and made a false police report and then she got a false restraining order saying the craziest things in court documents and through my divorce they look at me like I am an abuser and my wife's lawyer is associated with the women's abuse shelter and that really just sucks I have never felt So Far Away I've never felt so torn I'm still dealing with this matter and I am about to go to my final divorce hearing I have no idea what to do I just started watching these videos and it has brought some relief I have not been charged with anything but there is a kid involved possibly my daughter I'm not sure I'm still trying to get a DNA test but the way my wife has tore my life apart I've lost everything and do not know where to turn I need serious help what do I do about false police report what do I do about a false restraining order and what do I do about false information my wife has entered into court against me and how can I fight back with the law is defamation of character the way to go what else can I do can a woman get in trouble for making a false police report which has led to a false restraining order and false information in court documents what do I do rather than give up and take a dive off the cliff I have never felt so weak and all of my life I have never felt so lost and confused doesn't the law of hold any justice
I live in Jasper County Indiana is there any help for me legally how do I make a stand to protect the great man that I am
I find myself nodding at every affirmation, finally shedding some light into what I went through. Thanks for being so clear, transparent and upfront with your videos, they are great.
That's so much for the support I really appreciate that! Validation sure does make a huge difference when you're going through this. When you can find someone who you can relate to it definitely makes you feel less alone (and crazy)...
I am so grateful so many are now talking about and educating what these predators do. Those who have survived this form of abuse and who are now educating others are truly warriors against evil. Knowledge is power.
Yeah we live in an amazing time with all the information that is out there. I could not even imagine going through this *without* this. I know these behaviors/disorders have been around forever but being able to find books, websites, and youtube videos about this is a game changer. Knowledge is absolutely power!!!
Good video. This was a hard one to go through. It all boils down to this...
having to defend yourself and convince everyone that you're not the abuser.
The whole thing is a psychological cycle of terror. First, she gets physical with you, in the process you might bump her, push her, grab her arms to stop hitting you, or she falls and hurts herself. Second, you apologize and it's all better until she does it again. Third, she brings it up later, you hurt her in a fight, you're a woman beater. Fourth, six months later, everybody you know believes her.
You are right, stay away if you have to and people will see the real them. You can try to explain everything when you're healthier.
Excellent point and example! Your video where you talk about that was had to watch and I'm glad you were able to get through that with minimal damage - but I imagine when you were going through that it must have been a nightmare. Yep, stay away from them and let the mask slip. Unfortunately we can't be the one to point it out people have to figure it out on their own. -Duane
Danielle Funk Lol thanks Danielle, you're awesome! Just remember that Narcissists over estimates them self and under estimates everybody else. Thanks again! Good luck in court!
"And you believed her?!" (look of pitying incredulity) "Well, what questions did you ask her?"
CNXG CrazyNarcissistXGirlfriend you both do great videos that help 😉
I never realised how prevalent this was. My wife recently began a smear campaign accusing me of being a narcissist, psychopath, etc (not even sure it possible to be all these things).
She’s now a month from moving out and spends every evening I’m home smearing me to her friend on the phone. Throwing other male interest in my face and threatening to stop me from seeing my kids. I’ve not reacted or said anything because I just can’t see what good it is.
I hope I do get to enjoy quality time with my children but the thought of co-parenting with her is giving me anxiety.
How it ended?
My wife has this thing where she accuses me of doing all the stuff she’s actually doing.....There’s no way to debate this with a person like this and it drives you absolutely crazy!!!! 😫
Hi Joe - sorry you're going through that. One thing you may have not come across yet is that *most* narcissistic personality types will project what they are doing on the other person. So that is a *very common* tactic and experience of people who are in relationships with these toxic personalities. You're right there is no way to debate with someone like that and it can really mess with your mind and cause cognitive dissonance - which will make you feel like you are losing your mind.
DSD Absolutely, and when you simply try to talk to them about something as simple as “Please put your plates in the dishwasher” they become extremely provocational in an otherwise calm situation. One thing that I have learned is to just shake it off and know that I am not the one displaying that behavior I’m being accused of.
That is great advice and the best way to deal with that Joe - you have to remind yourself what is real and what isn't.
I know how you feel !! What they say is always the truth and your always in the wrong it's crazy 😧!
Yes man! They're F ing out there. Hopefully you're still together though for better or worse right lol
You are great bro. Im 52 and single. Im having trouble with my 80 year old parents. Stubborn. Extremely narcissistic. I will not let them have power over me.
I fall into a stupor of self-hatred at the end of the cycle every time :( This time...I pray I stay strong enough to move on for good.
I recently had this happen to me..someone I cared about...and who felt unsafe because of a narcissist in his life he was dealing with.....the person felt so unsafe..he 'went off the deep end' and began accusing me of all kind of things he himself was doing....it came to me as a total shock...and I did find myself having to 'defend' myself, which I realized, was not lining up with my heart, nor my true and genuine heart that was in alignment with genuine love and care...so I basically 'surrendered' to his 'demons'..which were all 'projection'...and acknowledged it for what it is...it came as a 'brutal attack' on my character, which again, came to me as a shock...I thought to myself, 'this is how he treats someone who genuinely cares about him?'...and had to just surrender to the reality that he went down the 'rabbit hole' of fear and paranoia...feeling so 'unsafe' from a deep place inside himself...he was now treating me as some 'imaginary enemy'....which I simply allowed and accepted to happen...knowing he deeply felt very unsafe inside himself....I gave it to God, and asked that God guide him, in his heart to a place where he feels safe and he feels peace within....spewing out misogynistic garbage about women and how 'emotional' they are, while men are more 'logical'..was unbearable to hear, especially when he was in a lot of pain from some narcissistic people, and the emotion of 'fear' was real, something to understand, acknowledge, not try to 'control' with 'logic'...fear is fear..must be understood where its coming from, and why it exists...people who you deeply feel 'unsafe' around...(narcissists)..will generate a feeling of fear from within, and because you feel a deep sense of danger around them..that fear is real, needs to be acknowledged...not try to use 'logic' because its an issue in the heart..the heart deeply knows I believe if you are feeling safe or unsafe around someone, and so when he joined what it seemed a male group of 'women haters' he 'shifted' and became very abusive....and accusing me of being a 'woman out to manipulate men'.....I was like, '????'...also saying that 'woman want to be controlled'...and lots of other misogynistic horrors....rather than 'engage' in his hatred...or defend myself in regards to the accusations...I went to my very own heart...know the purity of love and genuine care that I deeply have for this person...know in my heart that the love, compassion and understanding I gave him was pure and true...its where you need to go when someone accuses you of things that do not line up with your own heart....go to the truth..its in your heart..always....
Hi Diane, it’s nice to see you in the comments again, it’s been a while! That is wonderful that you were able to see it for what it was and not get sucked into the vortex of his paranoia. I think MOST people who are freshly out of a narcissistic abusive relationship tend to go “to the dark side” and unfortunately there are groups of both men and women that perpetuate that bitter and angry emotions toward their suspected villains. I know I was VERY angry and bitter at the beginning of this and on hyper alert for abusive people. I’m sorry you were/are the target of this lashing out but HOPEFULLY you caring and rational responses will help him to work out of that dark mindset. If possible try to send him to the channel - maybe my appropriate and perspective will be helpful and get him out of that. The problem is - my fear has always been - if allow yourself to be consumed with the hatred and anger (which is easy because of how horrible this betrayal really is) you can trap yourself their forever. -Duane
It hurt more than anything I have ever felt before. She took the false accusations to the police, dcf, the hospital got involved. I was lucky to find out their process cleared my name before I even heard about it. They still had to interview me as a part of the process. All they said when they called. Was my middle daughter had been abused and I needed to come to the shrrif station. Then when I heard what I was accused of, I couldn't believe it. I have never felt like that before between the confusion, pain, and disbelief I also felt relief that my daughter was safe and ok.
I am currently trying to get her to let me see my kids. I was already spending several days with my father who ended up dying 2 weeks after she did what she did... It just hurts so bad when someone you attached your entire being to, betrays you, then is heartless, cold and reluctant to you being able to spend time with your kids. I just don't know anymore.
Thank you for this video! This is exactly what I needed to hear today as I'm struggling with accusations from my abusive soon to be ex husband.
One way I helped contain my emotion regarding false allegations of abuse, and gained control of the conversation in my own mind was to remain aware of this fact “anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law.”
This thought, very true, would make me pause, and review my reaction in the present moment. If I could not explain my words or emotion in front of a judge, I better quickly divert my energy to a more constructive response to her words, email, text, etc. This thought in the back of my head kept me reasonable, and in control of the situation on multiple occasions when I had my parenting time interrupted by False reports (slander) to Child Protective Services and the State Police. Each of those occurrences ended in their apology for the interruption, they have to do their job and investigate, but they would be glad to allow me to get back to spending my time with the children.
It is empowering to each of us, the more we know regarding our rights under the law, and if we think in terms that our actions may be scrutinized at any moment through a motion filed to the court or a report to law-enforcement or government officials.
3 years of this my friend. 3 years and it never stops. I’ve never done anything and our kids are disabled. For Gods sake I am in the social worker program. He calls CPS non stop and has his friends call as well. It’s sickening
I decided to change my life around this past year 2020 … I couldn’t make all the progress I wanted to because I realized I was being prevented to progress and stumbling blocks were put in my way and I got much more crazy making abuse than before.
I did all the wrong things regarding my abusers. I tried to point out the abuse and how it hadn’t started with my family, that they had also learned bad ways of coping from abuse. Nope. In the stupid ear and out the deaf ear … then I got mad and started yelling back … then I called out every lie and gaslight and ganging up tactic. Well how are you gonna succeed there? They’re aligned against you and will not listen, just deny deny deny. Then I started filming my abusers and asking the questions I was NEVER ALLOWED TO ASK and tried to expose them, even with PICTURES OF MY BRUISES. Nope.
Suddenly, after an entire life of being scapegoated, *I was the abuser* and the police were called.
It doesn’t matter that the abuse has wrecked my life and my health to a point where I laid in helpless agony and exhaustion for 3 1/2 years before I somehow got the strength to start building myself back. Nobody believes me because my training to react badly to bullying and buttons pushed and lying and ally destruction started when I took my first freakin breath.
Now I have criminal punishment hanging over my head and they want to pathologize my behavior AGAIN and ALL my allies have been destroyed and the very very few relationships that still existed smeared and ruined. I’m utterly alone with the only resources at my disposal being the person who has abused me and recruited others to abuse me and even got me to learn to horribly abuse myself and to seek it out for more abuse.
Because I woke up and tried to fight back. It never works.
Just quietly make your plans and get away before they ruin your life completely.
I wasn’t blaming anyone, I just wanted honest accountability and PERMISSION to live in sanity and peace. It NEVER COMES.
Your words are healing my friend. The narcissist in my life is unfortunately my mother who behaves exactly amd reacts exactly as you explained someone would with that face of personality. I'm a victim of child abuse by her. Blame shifting and gaslighting is her best techniques. Letting it go and going full on gray rock is the only way to be with her. Spent almost 40 tears trying to understand why as her son Inever was her priority. Now I understand.
It's so tough Victor and it is really difficult to let your own mother go. I finally had to do that myself and it wasn't easy. Plus they generally don't go quietly - they tend to make things extremely difficult during the process. I finally had to do that a few years ago and it ultimately brought some peace to my life. I hope that is your experience as well.
@@DSD Wow. Thank you for responding. I'm extremely positive that keeping her at a distance not only has already made a huge positive impact I'm my marriage but also with my children. Thank you so much my friend and God bless you.
I recently was accused of being a narcissist and “gaslighting”
My story with my ex is one for the books but here’s what happened . My ex and I got into an argument . We separated with a week old baby boy . She and her friends made jokes about how she owned everything in the apartment etc as she was moving her stuff out.
She then restricted me from seeing my son or only allowed me 1 hour of “supervised” visits with him . I didn’t even go for that .
Ultimately a family member saw her posting on facebook about narcissistic abuse and how I was gas lighting her emotions and all the things she did to me was my fault .
I took an interesting turn and posted about my experiences but left her name out for others to interpret .
I talked about the physical abuse I received only .
She then blocked me and my family off her social media because she saw that I was getting support . People were donating furniture , tv’s , money etc to help my situation because a lot of people in my community root for me .
She saw she ultimately had no power over me as my abuser any longer .
She is trying other methods of control like not turning in her keys to the apartment so she can walk in at any time , not taking ALL of her things so she still “lives here”
Watching dsd gave me courage and now I am consulting legal advisors and continuing to child custody to get my son back .
* I also have evidence of her attempts through police records and her admitting abusing me to a family member through a text message .
it feels very bad when you are victim,but lies can't go for ever.
No Amalia they can't - sooner or later their mask will drop and they will expose themselves - but it really does feel bad when you are being falsely accused of being the abuser. -Duane
Its blame shifting and brings out the worst in us. I reached out to an ex. When she started throwing other men in my face long distance, I called her out on it. She took it as I was being abusive by trying to set a boundary. I believe her to be a covert narc borderline psychopath. I am in NO CONTACT and trying to stay strong.
That is your best way forward! It's amazing how when we decide to FINALLY set boundaries we are always painted as an abuser who can't handle them "standing up for themselves". It was REALLY annoying hearing that and knowing the truth. NO CONTACT is your friend - but it is not easy to do.
This is very accurate and my feelings toward being smeared and lied about was so crushing and just devastating and hard to be rationale when you feel you did everything for this woman and she could just lie and even make up outlandish stories and even put a restraining order on me and kept me from my dogs who I miss till this day and I raised as puppies . It still feels like a Lifetime movie of the week , this woman cheated on me with lots of my friends and even co workers and when I caught her she went on her smear campaign against me and it was all made up and deflection . I agree with everything you say but so hard to feel so distraught and even depressed and to just be able to just snap out of it . Have never experienced this type of ordeal in a relationship with someone who was fake and an illusion until she found new supply and she left literally overnight like it was easiest thing to do and it was an 8 year relationship .
Almost four years ago I filed for the last time against my narcissistic ex husband. He was never home and always at the bar. After I filed he all of a sudden was home more and getting between me and the kids. He made the most awful, mean spirited, horrible accusations against me and got the kids to do the same. He had the kids lie to the attorneys and the judge that I was the one abusing the kids when in fact it was not true. I was utterly shocked and traumatized by these false accusations. It killed everthing inside me. It's still having an effect on me and I'm been trying to heal from this. My first ex did the same, my now 31-year-old daughter will not speak to me and I'm not allowed to see my grandchildren because of her father's lies against me. You'd think I'd learn from the first one. It's very devastating. The only thing that has held me together is my faith. And I know there is something better for me, no more abuse! I am so thankful! I'm still going through horrible times, like the court awarded him full custody of our 17-year-old son who he is now trying to get me to pay him child support when he makes four times as much as me. We have court tomorrow for this. I know this sounds like everyone says this but hang in there, it will get better. I know and I understand. It's the most horrible thing anyone could ever go through, especially when you have to do it by yourself. God bless.
I’m on here because I have a friend (we used to be friends with them as a couple before he left), who’s smearing him terribly. Accusing him of physical abuse and sexual abuse of their kids. Serious allegations. But there’s something that just isn’t jiving with me, knowing how they were as a couple. She was always the dominant of the two. My suspicion is he put his foot down, and things got ugly. She definitely has narcissistic tendencies yet calls him the narcissist. This was a very informative video. We need more education out there about these people.
I'm really glad to hear that you were able to see through it and realize *something wasn't right.* It is so tough for the target when those accusations start flying because it is all a lie - or at the worst taken out of context - and they are devastated on so many levels. The really bad part for him is he was probably told (like I was) that SHE was now standing up for herself and I was the one with the problem because I couldn't "handle" it. Whereas it was like what you said right there - I FINALLY put my foot down and set some serious boundaries and she freaked out. It was a real mind bend to say the least. Where you able to be there for your friend? I hope he is doing okay now.
DSD my husband was his friend while they lived near us. His job took them far away. Otherwise we’d be supporting him here. She keeps asking if my husband has seen him (they’re both pilots). She’s extremely paranoid of what he may say to others about her. In the mean time, she’s trying to further isolate him from people of his past by saying these things. She may have a paranoid personality disorder that drove him out, as well. Now that I never see her anymore, I can see how nuts she is.
I’m definitely getting better at spotting these kinds of people, the more educated I get!
How dare we become Emotional, I would like to let everyone know that being angry and emotional is Normal and pretending is the only way to get through this Circus.
I know Avalon that is absolutely true and the worst part (well all of this is bad) is that our "normal" reactions/responses hurt us in the process. We have to publicly control those emotions otherwise it feeds into the abusers narrative. It's like living in the twilight zone. -Duane
DSD It is very Sur Real.
Thanks for bringing this up Duane, not just the accusations of being the abuser but also the self-doubt it engenders. My ex was trying to paint me as the "crazy lady" and went so far as to tell people I had their missing things (implying that I had stolen them), and other similar hurtful, totally untrue things. To this day there is a whole group of people in town who give me a wide berth despite the fact that I live a very low-key, quiet life, bothering no one. This stuff is so hurtful because its effects can last for years and years, and you may not even be aware of how many people have listened to wild stories about you, until you have to deal with them in some other way. It's constant blindsiding, and very tiresome to have to live a life of constant self-defense. Small town issues!
The self-doubt can be very difficult to endure because you start questioning your own reality - in a small-town environment where everyone knows everything that has to be even more complicated. It is just going to take time for the mask to drop and people to realize that things aren't as they seem. -Duane
Yes, time is key. And truthfully most people pay little attention, and have short memories...there are just a few who never forget, it seems. I just try to keep "integrity" in mind...words and actions...if your closet is truly clean, there is nothing they can say about you with any truth behind it.
Three years later, your wisdom continues to bear fruit. Thank you!
My ex wife left me back in January out of nowhere. A month before we seemed very happy in my mind and were trying to have another child (we have one). I had also just bought us our first house. When she initially said that she didn’t think we were right for each other anymore I was obviously blown away. I figured at the time she was just going through a hard time because she has dealt with depression her whole life and had some pretty bad postpartum. I tried everything I could to hold things together. She wouldn’t even try counseling or talk to me about it and couldn’t give me a straight reason. Eventually it came out that she thought I was emotionally abusive and narcissistic but couldn’t give me any examples of how I had been really. I went crazy thinking that maybe she was right. I did research and was as honest with myself as possible but couldn’t relate to anything I found. It was as if she was trying to find any reason she could tell people to justify her leaving. I have come to terms with things now but it has definitely been the worst year of my life. She got a boyfriend a month after our divorce was final (even though she claimed to need time to figure out who she was) and immediately started bringing him around my son which hurt pretty bad when my boy told me he had a new daddy. But your videos have helped immensely and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
They call you 'abusive' to justify their leaving. It is obvious when they jump into next relationship immediately (not even with 1 month gap).
Hello DSD
Glad you survived and great advice.
Like one of your comments below i never heard or knew of narcissism until a couple of years ago, oh my did everything fall into place.
Living for 31 years in a raging madhouse. 95% of that time utter turmoil, told you are worthless, lazy, not earning enough, poor father, useless husband, accused as abusive, bullying, cheating, lying and every thing you done was not good enough, Working on the house, maintenance, car, earnings and efforts are not good enough. then in the moments of her sweetness, Why are you distant, are you okay ? That's when i almost went berserk.
Silent treatment lasting from 2-3 week up to 4 months. I am still in this marriage as i still love getting home to my 2 sons and the little dog. My sons are 20 + now and they have been the glue that kept me together. They both have suffered mental health issues and i think they have hit some level ground now thank God. I am afraid it still continues to a slightly lesser degree but its not as bad when you understand what this madness is.
I don't play the game now, i let her rant, go silent and accuse and i look at her and think you are a dope of magnificent proportions. I pity her now and balance is always achieved, the scales of justice always level out. I know one thing my faith has kept me alive a sense of humour is key to survival. I wish you all peace that have gone through or are going through this madness. Take care and God bless all of you.
Please start and support legislature mandating counsel in civil cases, i.e. domestic abuse /violence , where loss of home and access to children are involved
This is spot on, and like you say…
You can sometimes see that you’ve done some of this yourself, and you think yes, I have done some of these things, but they are doing loads of these things and blaming you.
They literally do not recognise the fact that they are doing it, making you feel need to defend yourself, false allegations etc. which is abusive itself.. especially when you are innocent.
We would argue via message for days sometimes and it was all me defending myself, from things that hadn’t even happened or been said for the reasons she would say.
I would always say, I’m
Not engaging , you’re being ridiculous.
Try and resolve it..
But then, being repeatedly told that you are an abuser and it’s a fact, throws you into a panic and you feel the need to stand up and resolve it… defend!
When you really love that person too, it feels like the end of the world, then you panic even more that it’s going to end..
I would fear saying nothing, and fear saying something..at same time.
I have no doubt that we would not of split up if these accusations and this defence loop hadn’t been happening.
I am happy to admit fault, and do something about it, work on yourself etc, and try and ignore the accusations, but it’s sad when a couple split up and they could of worked together on it.
It’s the worst thing in the world, when you care that much yet you’re doomed even trying.
You fool
I’m so glad that I found your channel ~ what you described today is exactly what I’m going through ~ thank god our kids are all adults now and I don’t have to worry about that but I was married to this man for 37 years and was I perfect no of course not but I tried and tried and tried to the point where I thought I can keep trying for the next 20 years and be miserable or I can change my life and leave and that’s what I did ~ I divorced him and have my own place now ~ it definitely wasn’t easy and I’m seeing a therapist now to help me through things but it’s so worth it ~ and what you talked about in your video was exactly what I’m going through now so it’s refreshing to know that these are all normal thoughts and I’m not going crazy🤓 I do struggle with what he has told other people he even admitted to me that he told the people that bought our house things that he shouldn’t have about me and I did want to run around to everyone and say hey that’s not true but I’m learning that I can’t do that and as long as I know what I’ve done is the right things through out our marriage that’s all I have to care about I don’t need to prove to anyone else otherwise.
Love you man! Your videos and praying always bring peace to my mind and heart; it´s a rollercoaster of emotions, currently going through a divorce with narc (and his even more narc mother) and it´s full on; but I am thankful for this lesson, it´s making me stronger, more authentic and self-relying. After this is over the world will be a piece of cake :))
They truly are. I need all the positivity anyone can spare.
Hang in there Tajai - you're in the early part of this which is the most difficult. Just take things slow - realize that their opinion of your doesn't matter - and you have to focus on creating the best environment for yourself.
Your helping us!!! Thank you 😊💓
It's been 3 years for me.
Healing is very difficult
Progress occurs and then your in the difficult stuff again...this cycle seems to be the hardest for me.
We can't let people steal from us what we know happened. I mean we've already had so much stolen already.
Thank you again
my mom is my narcissist and I get accused of being the abuser, it makes me feel like I can't win at the mind games she plays like no one would ever believe me, I feel out numbered like it would be better off left with me not even admitting to anyone that she's like this, I got one normal parent who's not narcissistic and that's my dad, sometime I cry about my mom being the way she is, I don't know how to deal with it, it's hard
Excellent video- glad I found you
Thanks and welcome to the channel!
I was accused of being the abuser about a week ago after a two-month silent treatment. When I started getting messages that were basically textbook patterns of everything I've been watching on RUclips and reading in books my heart sank and I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been trying to diagnose him with everything ( mainly bipolar disorder which he very well could have, as well) but NPD for the last several months because I didn't want to face the fact that he was a narcissist, but in the string of text messages I received from him over the past week I am now convinced that he is a narcissist. My only advice to people right now is to go with your original gut instinct. As empathic people we try to see the good in people and I think that's what I did... I was grasping at anything besides narcissism and I should have probably got out of the situation months ago. Prior to this relationship I have never been involved or knew anything about narcissism because as far as I know it doesn't exist anywhere in my family or my close friends, so I didn't know anything about it but the one additional lesson than it taught me is that I will never fall for this again. I also agree with you when people say just to get over it you can only get over it when you're ready to get over it and I tell people that in time I will heal but they just need to let me be for a while and I will get over it when I am ready. I try to remember that time heals all wounds and wounds all heels.
i saw this video when government had just took my kid due to exactly this problem... that was a few months ago now and i had to look up the video again because i am referring to it in these 'memoirs or something' i am writing at the moment.. i just wanted to say thank you. this video cleared up so much 'brainfog' for me, it made clear that i was truly experiencing this, but that indeed i am sane.. i received the "yes this shit is really happening"-confirmation i needed to feel strong again and move forward on the right path
I went threw this also this does hurt I treated this woman like a queen, when I found out she was cheating, then with all the other abuse, I made the worst mistake I could make I cycled and it was not pretty, she then turned the court system, her family and her friends against me saying I was the abuser, I regret that till this day, I lost all my rights as a citizen, I suggest to anyone try hard to just walk away I no it is hard believe me, I am generally a happy person this did turn me to something I did not want to be, after the incident was over I knew that I could never be with her again, someone who changed my whole personality and hurt so bad, I had let this person into my soul, so that is a very difficult place to be in. Walk Away!!!!!!!
Ur videos are truly helping me cope and understand what I've lived thru for 12 yrs. I caught her cheating again and along with what ur describing she bi polar depressed. We also have children that she is using against me. For me it's 1 thing for her to attack me in these ways my kids don't deserve to be drug thru the mid like she has me for over a decade
OMG. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you for perspective.
That thing about the seed.
You're so right.
They play the victim and yet you're the one on the losing side.
and it's really tough when they do that because you're like WTH they are the ones who caused all of this...
I’m amazed by how much counselors and therapist are active participants in the madness. I often ended up being on the defense at times for something I knew was not true at all....drove me absolutely crazy. Guess what? .....made me appear like the crazy person with an emotional problem.
The counselors would focus on me. Many times my wife appeared like she was being abused by by me, so they would in-turn imply she was afraid of me, and I was physically abusing her.
Thus, I ended up seeking to prove I was not an abusive husband. I would be led down these rabbit holes all the time.
If you came into my household and seen her in action, you would realize that this woman did not fear me in anyway, actually it was the other way around. She was the physical one at times, until I started to stand up for myself and set boundaries. Yet, she was able to get therapist to buy into her perspectives all the time. She would victimize herself in such a way, where they stopped listening to me. I often walked away from sessions,...asking myself “What just happened?” Always clueless and lost.
I put myself through this painstaking experience for 30 years.
Not good, because I was hoping that suddenly she would wake up and be a person who actually cared about me, because I cared about her wellbeing and so on. I now finally know this will never be the case. Going through the final discard. I see clearly now. I was fooling myself by adhering to hopeless optimism and self-delusions.
The "focus on yourself" advice is what splits couples up. When someone starts prioritizing themselves over the couple, they start to split. Telling the other half to "do the same" doesn't help. Some people don't live for that past a certain age. Not an option
Going through this now. Been a year apart from her but co parenting with limited contact. I still have my rage moments where my sons nanny, who is in between me and the ex, seems like she doesn’t hear me out. She does, but wants to stay neutral. Which is understandable. But ppl can just brush off what your trying to explain. Then moments like these, make YOU seem toxic. When really you are the victim. All the while you have been discarded for stupid reasons so the narc can look like the victim. Till this day I feel that the discard was planned. After discussing therapy etc. I agree though there’s not much you can do but to take the pain and move on. Things get better.
Best advice I gotten in 57 years. I just saw my face over yours talking.
It is my kids in my case. The mask is being exposed.
I was just about to hire a top notch lawyer to put a cease and decisis.
I am a subscriber.
Found stepping back into the backdrop of arisings with meditation, letting go and forgiving often helps. Your offspring are a strong attachment, that is why it can be hard to unhook from conflict. Yet the best gift you could ever give a child is the power of pure attention in the moment. Eyesight doesn't actually weigh anything does it , yet we weigh it down with false judgments and interpretations.
This is happening right now and has been since my amazing late husband passed in 2020.His family started bashing me then and filed lies and false accusations. I have trail in July , Love Has to Win. We have him on our side , no matter where or whomever
I feel like I am going crazy. We are all human, and as a result I believe it is only natural for us to have a breaking point. It seems as though when we hit that point, they try to take that moment and call us crazy and say "see how you are?!". After calming down, we might rethink what happened and think "wow, is it actually me who is the abuser?". As for myself, I have to constantly remind myself I am only human and that when we are exposed to negativity 24 hours a day (I am actually working a driving job WITH my partner, side by side in my car for 8 or more hours daily! And sometimes I choose to take no days off because I am trying to avoid problems and all I want to do is sleep for 2 days straight until working again!) This has caused me to have mental breakdowns silently. I cry myself to sleep every night. Risk not getting any sleep at all because I am so overwhelmed and wait for him to sleep so I can cry in peace without being accused of being crazy for crying or having any emotion other than a quiet pleaser. I wakeup, have very limited time to privacy to enjoy videos or music, we go to work together and I come home often skipping dinner to just lay in bed. His new thing is to lay next to me on bed playing political and conspiracy videos, all night until he falls asleep, I cry in silence and wakeup to do this over again. I'm so freaking exhausted and I try to talk to God about this and pray for patience and that I can be the woman he'd like. God bless you for making these videos!!!
Thanks for making these videos. Very helpful! I'm not alone!
Debby you are not alone and you can and will heal and recover from this experience! Welcome to the channel! -Duane
This message is like Gold I really appreciate your explanation. Thank God for you man. " don't take the bait"
I’m glad I watched this. Really makes sense. Big help. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful Jay but sorry you're going through this. These situations really make you start to question if you're going crazy or not... You're not by the way...
@@DSD Sure does mess with your mind. Thank you for the helpful advice. It really took the edge off my anxiety.
Thank you so much for your video. You have been there totally, on this weird crazy journey. It's unbelievable unbelievable the way people we have only shown love can treat us in a family with such disregard. As normal, healthy individuals we are bullied, triangulated and we get upset. Who wouldn't get emotionally upse? They do not! They do not feel or take responsibility for themselves. Projectin = they see there sadness, displayed in your actions. Don't worry what role think of you, anyone who knows you well, will be up levelled to the learning curve you are on. Thank you again I have been reported to authorities! for things I have not done and they are covertly abusive to such a lovely, weak, mentally impaired elder😔 So sad
Husbands sister is the one I ended up defending myself to. I had just bought my child home from school I was just totally off gaurd, I had a knock at the door. I stupidly answered it (with the chain on) but regardless I answered. It was her stood their saying I didn't treat her brother right !! What the!! I knew she had it in for me since she no longer waved across the road. And the final blow I said hello as i walked past her I said hi she gave me a full.blown weird look. I said to husband why and then I found out he'd done the whole smear campaign thing. A couple of weeks prior he got his mother involved she was also asking why I don't treat him right. I was at softplay with my 4 year old. Why on earth I gave time to engage with his mother. She carried on and on . I had to justify myself for leaving him. He ran up debts but I'm controlling for finding that out being shocked and trying to get him to take action. He smoked heavily and it affected my astmah but I'm controlling for pushing him to give up. I eat healthy but I'm controlling for cooking his dinner. He's a pig and I'm really only just coming to terms with how his family operate. They just use me so he doesn't use them. He's always theiving from his mum and dad they have cctv inside their own home and get scared when he goes upstairs amd alarms go off. It's really unbelievabe!
Soon after the divorce I was talking to someone about it and they just said "ah, you're friends will side with you, her friends will side with her." It just kinda put the thing into perspective. I knew it didn't matter how I looked to her friends because soon we'd be out of each others lives forever. Now we are and I have a great group of friends. It's better this way.
It’s weird but the positive out of this is that you purge the negative people out of your life. We all need to be more selective of who we let stay in our lives!
My situation is kind of difficult. I am not around the people that she is smearing me to, she did display some shitty actions in front of my daughter in law while I just calmly let her while we were on a visit, I think my daughter in law is on to her BS. I tried to talk to our son about this in trying to prove I am not abusing his mother, I made a video of a conversation between me and my wife, I asked my son to call her, she would of course bring up the subject of our recent conversation and say I was yelling, then when he viewed the video he would see different. I did this for two reasons, one was to clear myself, but more importantly to make him be aware of her if she tries it on his spouse when his mom goes up there to stay with him during our future separation. Me and him seem to be her two targets in life, she has said that me and my son are her two most loved people in her life which is consistent with BPD. I am not trying to expose her of being batshit crazy, just to clear me and warn him. He agreed to make that call but never did. He seems to shut down if I talk about her in any way now. We will text but as soon as I ask why he didn’t make that call he shut down and no more texts. It was the perfect plan and it would of worked with little effort on his part. He claims to listen to both sides always but his actions say different. I fear that there is a chance that If my daughter in law doesn’t fall into place she will be my wife’s next target and she will wreck havoc on his life, I suspect this by conversations between my wife and I about my daughter in law being on to her, and on other subjects. My wife has already done this to my other daughter in law and our son hasn't talked to his older brother in years over it, so I do know how my wife can get into his head. If this condition isn’t complicated enough I am really scratching my head over why my son didn’t make that call just to say to his mom “hi, how’s it going”. That was all he needed to say. He agreed but didn’t follow through. I have anxiety up the ass over this. I do not know what to do. She already destroyed my life and I don't want to take a chance that she might soon could destroy his. I feel my life has no quality in it anymore but would die a happy man if I knew my son was going to be okay. I wasn't always around when he needed me but I need to be there for him now. I love him very much.
YES. I'm experiencing this right now & you nailed exactly how it functions and feels.
Hi Angela, welcome to the channel. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. The false allegations are *really* difficult because you’re being attacked on a really brutal level. If you’re new to all of this I’d like to recommend my bit.ly/MindsetForNarcRecovery playlist which is a primer for all of these things. -Duane
Thank you so much for your videos. There are many out there like yours but your perspective is so easy to follow and understand and It's straight to the point. Subscribed for sure.
Ahhh....the 'difficult to live with' line. My ex even called my mother! ....who knew Everything he ever did...and used this line about me to her.
HI Grace - yeah it really is amazing what these people will do. At least she understood what was really going on and it didn't cause you any additional problems! -Duane
My ex and my mother got together and talked about what a bad wife I was who refused to work (after he insisted I be a stay at home mom). I went no contact with both of them.
@@gwen7205 blessing to you.
silence freaks out a narcissist cause they can't feed off of anything.
So true!
I remember my Ex getting so upset with me when I had moved a Plant Pot that was on our Deck over to a better spot to get more Sunlight. He saw what I had done and moved it back to its original spot . I noticed it and moved it back again. Not for one moment thinking it would upset him in anyway. He confronted me about it . I just said " It looked liked it was dying, so I watered it , pruned it back a wee bit and moved it into the Sunlight more." His response ? " Oh Boo Hoo ! You are always the injured party , aren't you? !!! " I just stood there and LOL, and said : "whaaat ? ".. because It was just a weird response . I mean , he could have said "Okay , that's fine " Or, "I would prefer that the Plant Pot stays over there" or whatever ...But Boo Hoo ? I look back and think of those times and see how he was projecting stuff onto me .He was always complaining, had multiple grievances against people, co workers, his family members,...he was "The Injured Party' ...He would accuse me of doing exactly what he was doing .
Hi Lorie, it's hard looking back on past experiences and realizing the *crazy* that we put up with. It's even more vicious when they can get you to start *believing* that you're actually doing something wrong or being the *crazy* one. Thanks for the comment and that is a good example of this. -Duane
Yes...I agree. I did go through that , telling myself : Maybe its me ? Maybe if I were a better wife? Maybe if I were more organized ? Maybe if I did this or that ...THEN, maybe he wouldn't be so mad , or ignore me so much (the Narc. Silent treatment) , or flat out act the way he does . But realized that this was really how he is behind closed doors all the time .And, very rarely do they change .
Yeah, they really do not generally change. It's sad, we put all this time, effort, and emotion into a relationship and it is all wasted time. Well, we do learn from it but it's a painful process. -Duane
So, if the Narc in ones life is now their Ex...they have dodged a big fat Bullet ! They should be doing the Happy Dance everyday and thanking God they got away from that mess. Just the thought of having to deal with a Narc in old age for me is just nauseating and unfathomable. In the long run ,it would be a far more painful process to ..."stay".
I absolutely agree with you - plus you can not count on them to actually stick around if you need them. Mine used to always say that if *such and such* happened (medical to me) she *wouldn't do this or that*. Even when she told me that I didn't really believe it (because I knew I would do whatever had to be done to help her). It wasn't until I left that I truly appreciated that she was being totally honest with me. Yes, in the long run it was be more painful and devastating to stay. This has not be a *fun* process for me but I have never regretted escaping that nightmare. -Duane
i was accused recently by a family friend of abusing my parents. it was because i told my parents i felt unsafe around them (due to some trust issues caused by feeling that they might physically hurt me or that i might take my own life when around them because of being controlled. i didn't want to say either of those because i didn't want to manipulate or accuse them of anything, i just wanted to say how i felt). now, though, since i am being accused of abuse for saying that, i am at my wit's end. the last thing i want is to do someone wrong, but i honestly can't see the logic in what this family friend was saying. please help
thank you so much for these videos and sharing your knowledge. they are helping me tremendously. it's so great having someone with experience going through the same twisted behaviors. thank you so so much. i feel more confident in this battle already.
Hi Brittney! Sorry it's taken me so long to respond I've had a bit of a backlog. I'm really glad the videos are helpful to you and validating - honestly that is one of the first steps of this is learning that we aren't along that the "twisted behaviors" is unfortunately "normal". Before that realization you really can feel like you're going crazy (I have a video that specifically talks about you're not going crazy). Learning about this stuff is a game changer and things will start to become clearer as time goes on. I hope my other videos are equally as helpful! There are a lot of really good channels about this so seek out and find the channels that really speak to you - that will help your recovery and understanding - and each day the emotional power the ex has over you will diminish! -Duane
I regret that I have but one upvote for your presentation here. Thankfully, I really HAVE been working to improve "me" and I responded exactly as you discussed here: rationally, and without emotion.
Awesome Scott that’s a major step in taking your life back. Hopefully you felt a bit of empowerment it’s that!
I thought I was the only one... Thank you brother
Nathaniel, you are not alone! I know for me it was a good deal when I finally made that realization! -Duane
Exactly what happened to me...once I said to him he is being abusive....which he never once said that word....he next started to say the same thing back to me that I was the abuser he said he has to walk on egg shells that I act like a pit bull he told others how much of a angry person I was but the best was he told others that I am a really really nice person and all that but he just couldn’t do it anymore...lol...no it was I who couldn’t do it anymore....and I have been no contact for over 2 years now...and u are right never defend yourself...he has shown his true colours and how abusive he can be through the court system....just watch the show... .great video....👍