I feel the same. Your channel has helped me through some of the toughest times in my life dealing with this issue. I appreciate the humanity and concern you've brought on this topic. As easy as it is to feel alone in this situation, I know that I'm not. You have articulated much of the pain and frustration that I deal with and it gives me encouragement and hope. Thank you!
I feel the same. Dr Carter, like the dad I never had and wanted so bad! And I’m 68 years old! 😂 You have helped me more than any counselor and I have been to a number of them throughout my life. Just hearing someone put into words simple language that explain and make sense of the ways narcissism works to beat down a person’s personality- what makes them the unique and special person that they are. Thank you Dr. C. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.
On the narcissists using religion. God uses good people, bad people use God. It's one of my favourite quotes. Heard it third hand one day and it struck a chord.
Amen!👐🙏🕊️! I couldn't agree more. I am dealing with a narcissistic neighbor former "friend" and church member. Only she can hear from God and knows what he thinks. She knows and it's a guarantee she is going to heaven everyone else not so much. She puts herself above God and his commandments . But wow in public and in church all smiles hugs and praise Jesus 🙄. She tries to control me and says God told her what I need to do and if I go against her I am going against God. She told me she had to use her influence in the church and beg the pastor to baptize me and that she is always having to defend my faith and character to the pastor's and praise team. Because of this I owe her and I need to filter my life through her. If she is not praised, worshipped, the center of attention, getting her way, controlling everyone, devaluing peoole, is told no or called out on her lies and bad behavior then all hell breaks loose. She begins the smear campaign, physical and verbal outbursts, arguing, scapegoating sabotaging, baiting and trying to provoke me. She will not let up and plays the gotcha game constantly. It's so sad! I just grey rock and shutty shutty with her and pray for her. But I am done being played like a fiddle by her and playing games. No contact and forgiveness has taken all of her control away and empowered me.
@Mary Carroll I am so sorry that you had to experience a relationship/marriage like that. I hope you were able to heal and find peace! No matter what your narcissist told you know that you are God's beloved! The behavior of your narcissist is the exact opposite of how a true Christian is. It's disgusting when people commit abusive hideous acts in the name of God. Thank you for having the courage to share your story!
@Mary Carroll Amen! Praise God! It's a great victory in Christ and a wonderful testimony! I am so glad you came out of the relationship a warrior! Thank you for sharing your experience with me! I appreciate it! It's good to hear the stories of survivors of gives me hope! We overcome satan by the blood of Christ, the word of God and our testimony. Revelations 12:11 God bless you 🙏
I can't get over the unfairness of being destroyed by the people that were supposed to love me. I feel like I'm damaged beyond repair. It's completely senseless
I’ve come to a place in my life at 62 years old, after 3 crazy husbands, that I can’t give any more of myself to a man. I give way too much, and was afraid to have my own opinion because I did want to hurt their feelings. I’m free and so happy🙏🏻
I think that if you find yourself seriously asking yourself "Am I a narcissist" when you realize you've been raised by one, you're on the right path because I would figure real narcissists never ask themselves that or are concerned about it. I was raised by a narcissist and since realizing that a few years ago, I can see not only the damage they did, but how I've responded throughout my life with narcissist tendencies of my own. Trying to work through these issues and check my own ego without blaming myself.
Same here, i realise I have attracted so many narcs in my life, I think I must be one too. Started with my mother who I ran from instinctively once I was 17, the way I feel about that at the time was that I was running from emptiness and superficial ness. I ran to find deep meaning but instead just ran straight into the arms of multiple narcs. What does that say about me?
I had a malignant narcissist dad who physically abused my mom several several times, kicking my mom, punching her, she had bruises head to toe when i was young,. my mom never thought of divorving my dad, she ended up committing suicide for couple of times. It was God’s grace that my mom is still alive despite her suicide attempts and being beaten up by my dad. That time, after years of abuse, i was able to ask help from my Law professor who works in department of justice. Cutting the story short, i was able to get a restraining order and going to court, divorcing my dad and mom when i was 20. It took me many years to guide my mom walked out from the shadow of my dad. 5 years after, my dad had been reaching out to me for financial support. I had been sending financial support to him for a total of 12 years. Now that my dad is old at 69 years old, he wants me to reunite with him. I cannot trust him seeing him beating up my mom when i was a kid till i was 20 years old. However, i feel guilty everytime my dad text me that he love me, he gave me life, he changed my diapers when i was a baby. My dad said i should not avoid him because of my mom. He demands me to tell him i love him every single day because I am his sunshine. I followed his demands telling him i love him everyday. Now he is demanding me to live with him. I feel guilty not heeding to his demands.
Dear Age Oh Truth, I wonder how you got your RUclips handle. I am an older person raised by a narcissist with other narcissists in my family. Is everything that is posted on this site for subscribers only, or can the whole world see? Hence the interest in the RUclips handle. I would like to be part of the discussion but don't want people outside this group to know my business. I would be grateful for your reply.
This man's soul is so full of love and beauty its palpable. He cares so very much that we must remember him in our thoughts and prayers 🙏 He gives out so much energy and love that we must add to his heart by showing our progress and respect! I love you Dr. C
The comment/question by the person who said they cry all day and night from the pain of their narc partner really touched me deeply. I know that person's pain. I lived it for several years into my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to make my own life within the marriage and concentrated on developing my skills, likes and following up on them. My husband didn't like that I did this and would make it clear how he felt. I learned how to ignore the comments by telling myself that his statements reflected on how deeply insecure he was and that was his problem, not mine. I did not do this alone. I had/have a great therapist who has been a rock of support in my internal growth. Maybe someone from your group could follow up with her to find out if therapy is a possibility for that person. Thanks so much for reading that person's comment/question. It really touched my heart. I'm from Illinois.
Your response was just beautiful and,even though I am not the one who wrote the question, I still got a lot from your response. Working on this myself☹️
Thank you for your words, it explains after I had both breasts removed after BC and I wanted to do a yoga course to have a fresh start, my husband said “what about me, what am I going to do for six weeks”. I cancelled the course, he got so worked up he chased me around the kitchen island and we ended up in hospital because he was having some sort of attack and needed pills to calm down.
Thank you so much for airing these real life stories. It is so very helpful to listen to Dr C's replies. I appreciate being able to listen and learn and be reassured. Thank you so much!!
I tried to do this, and within 2 months he had cut me off from our finances, and the final straw was threatening to baker act me and kill me and our 2 children if I didn’t start “acting right”.. he would ask me “what makes you think you can be so confident all of a sudden?”. I left the next morning while he went to get donuts, with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Been 2 months now of no contact… my Dad took us in and my Aunt has been helping with money and attorney until I get on my feet.. he terrifies me… y’all be safe out there!! And wish me luck- we have court Dec. 7th regarding custody.
I really hope Dr. Carter makes some videos on authoritarianism and narcissism being linked, as he mentioned. I believe that is a HIGHLY relevant matter the public needs to confront in the times we're living in. This channel is something special.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I can’t wait. As the narcissist I’m dealing with grew up in a very authoritarian household and also had trouble separating what occurred as rules for him as a child and making decisions in adulthood
The sad truth is, the more openly loving we are, the more we’re a target for narcissists. The presence of love seems to evoke their insecurities which they need to put a stop to. The key is to keep our hearts open, learn to recognise our own vulnerabilities and exploits, and then do the work. There’s a Japanese proverb about 3 ways to wear a kimono: - holding it open (naive) - holding it closed (cynical) - letting it just hang with hands free… (responsive, can act, defend or assert as needed)
The “not using your name” thing. After I grew up, even still sometimes now and I’m getting old, whenever someone used my name and it wasn’t because I was being corrected or yelled at, I’d sometimes have to fight being teary about it. It was quite a revelation when I figured out my name wasn’t used growing up unless it was being used as something like a curse word or an admonishment. It’s a big thing.
You’re not alone. Despite the loss of my family by facing that reality, I am happy. Living the life I deserve and always dreamed of. Healthy and loving myself like I never could with them in my life.
This was a stunner revelation to me in the group!!! I now sense very very deeply when hearing another person say my name with affection ....how very real for 73 years....I was lifted “unnamed” within family,ex, and certain troubled people!!!!! Strange it is almost like Jesus calls and soothes with His love when you hear yourself validated by another person!!!
I have the exact same issue with my name. I immediately get a feeling of dread upon first hearing someone say my name. It was ALWAYS bad news when my parents used my name.
Even further along this vein, when the narc would use my name, although rare, it was with contempt and disdain. Also instead of addressing me directly he would refer to me in the third person, much like, “look at Laura go. Who knew she could move so fast,” a direct criticism meaning I was so slow. Even typing this now brings up a large amount of anger towards him for being so mean and cruel.
Dr.C, these videos are a lifeline for me right now. A lifetime of gaslighting, smear campaigns, and emotional abuse from my narcissistic mother left me with wounds that I’m working hard on healing one by one. I chose to go no contact 10 months ago for my own sanity and emotional health. It was a heartbreaking decision after spending 47 years chasing after my mom’s love and acceptance and the family fallout was as bad as I feared it would be. Making decisions every day based on my own values and judgment gives me a peace that makes it all worth it, though. My question is this: is it normal to be overwhelmed by memories of childhood? I am unable to sort out things that really happened from those distorted by gaslighting.
I'm not a mental health expert, but when you are set up to have any kind of emotional reaction, whether positive or negative and you don't-- are completely emotionally flat-- ISN'T THAT A SYMPTOM OF PSYCHOSIS? In other words, when a narcissist sets you up for the purposes of blaming you for your COMPLETELY NATURAL reactions to being abused, aren't they REALLY punishing you for NOT being psychotic?
Yeah sometimes I feel my head will explode trying to work out the mind bending gymnastics required to understand. I too often felt like standing up for myself was the only way to preserve myself from being crushed, then they use it against you, we can’t win either way. I think that is the gotcha moment Dr is talking about. They like it when we react badly.
Yes. Your natural and healthy attributes are leveraged against you. In the same vein, they weaponise your trust, your generosity and your openness and much more. In a context of narcissism, health is rendered dysfunctional. Only awareness can counter this, as shutting down or being authentic results in a double-bind. Fortunately, awareness is super-effective.
I'm 64 and I was thrown out of my family for telling 2 siblings that my father molested and sexualized me. It's been 18 years that I have had to go "no contact." I have had 6 unexpected encounters with my sisters where they shamed me, re-traumatized me, bullied me, even terrorized me. They were both as bad as my father in psychological abuse. One sister tried to get me to sexually service her husband. I was 43 at the time; 12 years later, she made a reference to me needing to do that for her. Both my parents and sisters are narcs. I don't have a family any more. They have bad-mouthed me to every relative, friend of the family's, even high school friends. They never stop . . . I know they never will if given the chance. Some people can't understand how I could cut off my own mother, but she is the enabler and sets her "flying monkeys" at me. I have never and will never trust her. And ya, that's sad. You just have to accept reality and move on, creating your own family in the world.
I AM 62..when i confided my father had sexually abused me...my mother played the victim..claiming she only married him because he had raped her... she played the victim.. she cryed...sobbed..acted crazy..never once considered my feeling sof shame and abuse.. I had to walk away.. she is extreme narricist..please don`t feel you are alone! I have been there!
Bonnie and Steven I am so sorry for the awful trauma, abuse and exploitation you both endured...... and the ensuing pain you've lived with. Sending you both lots of love, warmth and hugs. ❤🔥🤗
One of the best ways for me to disconnect with a narcissistic family member has been to compare their emotional disability to the disability of a friend who has Alzheimer's. Neither is capable, though for different reasons, of supporting/participating in a reciprocal relationship. You have to stop thinking that reason or anything else will persuade them that you are NOT their enemy and deserve to be treated with respect. When people can't participate in a balanced relationship of give-and-take, they are ill. They may have fooled a lot of people about who they are, but YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. Embrace it and stop doubting yourself. When you are treated as if you are inherently disgusting and your normal needs illegitimate, you are dealing with an emotionally ill person, and no pill will change that. Nor with your efforts.
My narc- a dirty ex cop fired from two police agencies- got angry because after years of me footing the bills for everything he finally put up some money for something… then a few days later decided he regretted it. So he went to the sheriff’s office and “cop talked” them into opening an investigation on me. It was complete nonsense but cost me thousands of dollars in attorney fees. Never have any connections to cops. It’s a job that strongly attracts narcs.
Really..funny because my ex narc ended up with a cop and she cuz listening devices in his house and car she also has gotten to his Google account and see all his text messages tracking device and he has cheated on her about 10 times in one year since they've been married and she still with them but she also has pulled a gun on him multiple times.. crazy
@@CJones-wg1sj Narcs flourish in law enforcement. When they’re caught in their crimes it’s covered up. If it’s really bad they’re allowed to resign with no criminal charges. So they just get worse & worse until they’re monsters. One very bad example is the Florida Highway Patrol trooper who was serial raping an underage girl in his patrol car. Imagine all the criminal problems that were covered up for him before it got to that level of criminality.
Man… this was an emotional one. In fact it’s a big coincidence lately I had been having particularly strong anxiety outbursts because of my narcissistic dad and brother. I’m underaged right now, so I just felt so helpless in the situation. That being said, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel again and told myself this isn’t when or where my story ends.
So pleased that you are making the effort to figure it out at this stage in your life. Keep learning, and thanks for letting me be on your journey with you. Dr. C
I had a friend with anxiety problems who would lie awake at night in her 60s and chastise herself for all the mistakes she made in life. If you are dealing with a narcissist, DON"T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR. "I should have......" doesn't help you. You learn as you age, hopefully, and you don't punish a child for not knowing something when they are young that it takes time to learn. Let the narcissist have the responsibility for what went wrong. Don't be a codependent and take the responsibility on yourself!
I’ve been watching your teachings for a few months and the greatest comfort that has come is just having identified what this craziness was all about over the last couple years and also knowing I’m not alone. You have said hundreds of scenarios that are so identical to what happened to me that you’d think you had a hidden camera in our home. What I’ve learned from that is that this must definitely be a diagnosable condition and must be seen regularly and on a wide scale. I’ve also studied much over the last few months about the Jezebel spirit and believe me or not Doc, but soo many people having the exact same characteristics sure does suggest it might be a spiritual issue more than some may think. Anyway, thanks for all you do and it’s refreshing to see how fulfilling this work seems to also be for you. That’s when you know you’ve found your calling. Thanks again ~Indiana
hormonal overlay that causes malformed neurology in the brain, such that it aligns with anti-Life, anti-Peace, anti-Love, anti-Truth spirit, very destructive.
It’s not a spiritual issue, it’s a mental illness, or, as many prefer to say, a personality disorder. The emotional damage was done at a very young age, often as a toddler. They act the same because their damage is similar and thus the defences are the same.
I am 62 and have had many narcissists in my life starting with my own mother. I kept attracting my mother. Thankyou for being so instramental in opening my mind to the things that have happened to me. Your way of expressing it it so easy to understand, many thanks for your understanding Les.
Dr. C so sorry your Dad isn't doing well 🙏. Thank you for sharing his insights as well as yours! I appreciate your videos and perspective. GO TEAM HEALTHY 💪☮️
I'm having to ask my boyfriend to move out it got so bad, he is punishing me with his silent treatment. Now taking things that belong to me and hiding them only to see if I can ask for his help to find these items.... very needing.
Doing things so that you HAVE to ask for his help. Honestly, how sick is that?! Hope you can break away good and clean (once you find all your belongings, that is!) Stay strong!
Dr. Carter You’ve helped me so much. I was married to a Narcissist for 28 years. Divorced him in 2018 . Leaving him was the most traumatizing event of my life emotionally. I was brainwashed. I’m still in the trauma bonding stage. I continue to question myself. I was conditioned to blame myself for everything. He could talk circles around me. I’m healing slowly.
@@SurvivingNarcissism So true. The narcissists may have controlled and misshaped us formatively, but our future belongs to us (beginning in our right now present ie today and the next one & the next one) 💖😊💖
I have been targeted by a narcissist for a year now. Sometimes I break down just realising that this has become normal to me, and then remembering that I used to have a life where I didn’t have to worry about showing my colleagues or location on Instagram - or if someone will message my friends or anyone I work with to try and smear me. I cry in a sort of mourning for a time before I knew what it was like for a predator to be after you every day. With any luck he’ll be charged with stalking and harassment soon but the damage is done. Who I was before he did this is dead, and I am sad for her lost future.
I finally realized that my narcissistic brother only wanted me for his supply. If he didn't get what he wanted, he would devalue me as though I don't count as a human being. He's the only one who counts. I have blocked his number on all phones, so he the only way he can try to get a hold of me is to write a letter.
Im going through the exact same thing with my brother.... Argh...im sooo done ! HELL NEVER WRITE... MY BRO EVEN TRIED TO GET AT ME THROUGH MY CHILDREN....THANKFULLY MY CHILDREN SEE RIGHT THROUGH HIS BULL_HIT !!
@@dewuknowHIM I told my family (father and brother; mom had already passed) the good news when my daughter who I'd given up for adoption 20 years ago reached out to connect with me. My narc brother immediately attempted to contact my daughter. She told me. I recommended to both that they wait to connect at a time when I could introduce them. My brother was not interested. Then my daughter told me that my brother had tried to join her husband's Facebook. My brother is the guy who is a traveling nurse who visits cousins and tells them he hates me. Then they tell me. In retrospect I should have never told him. But then telling my Father means he would have told my brother. I wanted to introduce her to all my relatives. I have an indefatigable hope for a normal family. At this point, she has pulled away. Too much weirdness.
I was walking home from the store the other day. Someone put up a signing saying "pa needs to watch Dr. Les Carter on RUclips". You made it all the way to Port Angeles, WA. Keep up the good work. You have e helped me work through the Narcissist I have come across.
Thank you so much Dr. C. I ask myself everyday what's going on, my heart has been shredded since childhood by all the double minded messages. I pray 🙏 I may find peace and safety in the remaining days of my life.
Dr. C has been getting me through!! The moment I found his channel, I realized what kind of man I was dealing with. Now I'm single and taking it one day at a time.
A distinction needs to be made between an abnormal person in a normal situation...and a normal person confronted with an abnormal situation. I was brought up by a toxic narcissist and then married an abusive covert narcissist. And I was provoked unbelievably by both. Most of the time I stand by how I behaved but there are times when I acted strictly out of survival. I have left the narcs and now I can choose healthy relationships and healthy behaviours.
I find that after having an emotional reaction, I’m asked, “You always have to start a fight, don’t you?” I didn’t start it; I simply reacted. I’m sick of being made the “instigator”.
Hi Rose that sounds like a typical gaslighting phrase. In my case he'd say "you're having a whole conversation with yourself". All you're trying to do is put your point across and they twist everything around.
That's what they do, they attempt to shift accountability, they practice Transference, from them to the other guy, what we used to call "table-turning" decades ago before these terms were coined or known to us. It's a form of gaslighting, yes, and plainly-spoken, it's flat-out dishonesty. They don't take responsibility for their crap, but instead, seek to put it on others. They dump, others object, and magically, it "becomes" the fault of others, those that objected. They say it takes 2 to fight, they don't want to see any distinction between fighting and objecting. They create hell, thus they create their own self-destructive abode. Good riddance to them.
Yes I agree, but also when he knew he was losing the argument he'd say things like " ok, don't labour the point" or when I raised my voice he'd say " only the dogs can hear you now" basically telling me to stop and shut up cos I was speaking too much sense and had the audacity to challenge him. I GET IT now
Oh my goodness- so very excellent! Thank you, Dr. Carter! I just need to hang onto your words when I’m being attacked by those evil narcissists in my life & tell myself every time “Do not engage.”
@@SurvivingNarcissism I am following your presentations after my encounter with a narcissist for 7 months and the cruel and coldhearted way he discarded of me. He is also an alcoholic and spends his days behind a computer screen. It was just a mess. Trying to recover without losing my mind. I can't believe how callous these individuals are. All I know is that my broken heart has to heal now💔 God bless you👑
My narc neighbor was divorcing her husband and he was having a hard time with it emotionally. I’ll never forget the chill that ran down my spine when she said, with a barely stifled giggle “I heard him up in his room (giggle) ..crying!” She was loving it, feeding on his sorrow. Shocked me. I don’t run with people like that and I guess I was just not prepped for it. What an insightful journey learning about this phenomenon. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the last encounter. My wife and I have a pseudo polyamory relationship and we ran into a few of the jealous narc types who just wanted to wreck shop and get between us. My wife and I share an amazingly deep connection based on total honesty and meaningful communication, and we have had many a laugh at the attempts made to subvert that bond!
Thank you Dr C for mentioning the no name thing. My last two partners (one lasted ten years and one lasted seven years) never used my name nor any name like a nickname or pet name. It was horrid to go all that time never hearing my name. My one ex would come to the door and and shout "are you there". Never my name. And you're right, it is their way of dehumanising you. I'm wondering how many others have experienced this. Thanks again from Wales UK.
PS just gone back and read all the comments from last week. Seems the no name thing is a common narcissist trait. I always thought I was the only one who never got called by her name and that it was somehow my fault.
Yes, it’s because you’re just an object of narcissistic supply to them. And they often use generic pet names because they can use the same pet name with their other lovers without having to worry about saying the wrong real name to any of them.
You have helped me through my journey on recovery from being THE target of a narcissistic parent and the smear campaigning that evolved from that. THANK YOU
2 days before my narc husband died of lung cancer in hospice, he was STILL falsely accusing me of being incompetent, of abusing him, of overspending. So hurtful. So weird. I just cant imagine what he hoped to accomplish by badmouthing me to his nurses knowing he was at deaths door.. I feel like I just survived a 25 year long pummeling. If I hadn't discovered this channel and a few others, I don't know if I would've made it.
“You’d think they’d want to go back to decency, but they don’t because decency wasn’t there to begin with.” 59, and only realized I’m still an invisible scapegoat recently. It’s hard to accept. Thanks, Dr. Carter!
Your videos are so wonderful and help me understand why certain individuals in my life seemed to attack me when I was happy, or making my own decisions, or if I said no to them. Learning more about narcissism has helped me establish boundaries with individuals who I didn’t even realize just didn’t care about my well being at all. It’s a hard truth to realize people you love have never really seen you for you, only what you can do for them.
Certain narcs are empowered by seeing yours and others pain especially if they have a part in it. After my narc quit working he said he was looking forward to “ having nothing better to do than make someone else’s life a living hell”. He didn’t say who or imply a specific person -at that time - turns out it was me.
This is all so depressing. I live in Toronto where everyone acts like a narcissist! Yes, varying levels of narcissist (as proposed by HG Tudor), but narcissists none the less, with no sense of empathy. All the church ministers and priests exhibit the same tendencies. At least when I lived in Montréal I knew some good people.
Dr C, I really like your new podcasts. I am learning so much. I punished myself for being so stupid because I was scammed . I didn't realize that people like Narcs existed in our culture. Narcs should be put in jail or a mental hospital.
The reactive stuff happens after days, weeks or month's of repeated abuse. And then when the abuser just won't let up one day, after all that abuse they've already put the other person through for days or weeks or longer, or assaulted the person, antagonised the person mecerilessly, then the person being abused is liable to just "lose it", so to speak. Also, they can be cruel, in my experience, due to lack of empathy and a fragile ego. Imagine having hardly any ability to sympathize with someone. And also, feeling the need to be the right person, the 'in charge' person, the superior one in the room. Some narcs are worse than others in that way, but I believe that is the idea. And like he said, no love.
You explained it so accurate. I'm going through the same experience and it saddens me because it's with my son. I don't have words to describe how it had affected me, it got so bad that it was like what was more important, his ways of living, his rules and his decisions and his comfort or me saving myself. I wish I had had Dr Carter's insight to deal with this kind of people.
My ex narcissist accused me personally, of everything everything under the sun. Cheating, lying, being places I'm not, having malicious intentions towards them, etc.... I have come to learn that all those accusations on me, were just reflections of their own guilts/flaws. It had NOTHING to do with me. I'm in my "no contact" stage currently. And this person is relentlessly doing it all, to keep trying to getting thru to me. Using unknown numbers, flying monkeys, and even following thru with their own fake suicide. Its SO VERY hard to not be triggered by this narcissist!! And this video today, helped me to realize I'm really not alone. Thank u so much Dr. C!! And to everyone in this community that have been brave enough to share their stories. (Even is only partial) U never know who ur comment may make a difference to. Thank u, everyone!! -Jennifer- Birmingham, Alabama
Thanks Jennifer (my wife's name). And you're right. Even though the narcissist tries desperately to make it all about you, they are constantly projecting their own unresolved miseries onto whoever is in front of them. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism They try to declare others of being guilty of the very things they are doing! (just another way to say it) They paint the world according to their dishonesty, instead of upholding Reality or even being willing to acknowledge it. Many people are not like them, they are so twisted. Do they know that people hate them and do not respect them because of the things they do? I figure they know, but don't care, or pretend not to care, depending on how far gone they are.
Years ago, around age 30, I went to a counselor to try to learn how to deal with my mother without "disrespecting her," or arguing with her, which seemed impossible. I wanted to be a good daughter and "honor my mother" but it was like she kept on and on until she dragged an argument out of me, and I didn't want to be psychologically dominated and squelched by her. The counselor told me it wasn't my fault that I argued with her growing up, because she was the adult and I was a child. Of course, in a way it WAS my fault, but I had tried everything but allow her to psychologically obliterate me. The counselor told me I had a VERY difficult mother. In a way, that was a relief to hear.
Thank you so much for this video. I feel so bad about Mom. I left her when she died. I had been with her all day, but when Dad came in I left her. I will probably never forgive myself for that!
I hope you will. I couldn't be with my mom every step of the way because of my narcissistic sister. I thought I'd never forgive myself. Nearly 8 years later I finally had my breakthrough moment. Besides I know my mom would want what's best for me and my mental health. Best of luck to you.
Hi Dr.Carter from San Diego California, you are my Life Guru and I appreciate your teaching so much . You help me every week deal with my narcissistic mother and sister. God Bless you 🙏 ❤
You have been an inspiration to not only move forward over this past 12 months, but a source of knowledge, awareness, and simply put education. I escaped a horribly brief (3 yrs) and ToXiC marriage. I got the one that got away over 30yrs ago. She got away again. Discarded me, again. But then stalked me, and smear campaigned me from van. island to n.s. They are truly relentless. Still surviving. Still moving forward. Still on the right side of the dirt. 😎
Your Pop sounds like a lovely person. Would love you'd have your brother on again, bring your Pop along too! We'd love to sit at the feet of all three of you guys and take it in. 28:40 :Southerners and their metaphors😄😄😄
Dear Dr. C, I am deeply grateful for your humanity and love. You are my touchstone. Thank you, Teacher. Sending my Love and Light to you and all here. Pamela
Hi Dr C, thank you so much for all the time and effort you spent for us on You tube. I’m from the Netherlands and I’m so grateful. Since I now my husband is a covert narcissist I desperately try to heal from everything he did to me. This is so difficult because he left 14 months ago, and is not cooperating at all in the divorce proceedings. I can’t get on with my life, start living again, because I’m stuck in a very insecure situation. I’m not the only one trying to divorce a narcissist, with him obstructing everything. Do you have any advice how to live through a high conflict divorce without getting crazy and even more upset? Thank you again, all the best for your father. You are a really kind and warm person.
My brother, after 35 years made contact. I sent a message. " I love you, I pray for you and I don't kick sleeping dogs." I don't owe him anything more.
Thank you Dr C from Australia….. you have been very helpful for years i though I was too sensitive angry incapable of being happy ect ect what your saying resonates
200% spot on with the bit about playing gotcha. 200% spot on. Pouring kerosene and striking the match....so last century lingo....pouring the kerosene and striking the gas lighter! Thanks for these videos, they help me fight her mental games of gotcha.
In my experience, they get great satisfaction with punishing you. They have this twisted need to hurt and bring punishment if they feel they've been wronged. Not discussing feelings of hurt and trying to work it out like sensible adults. No, punishment MUST be dealt out! And they are the one to give it to you. But when it comes to them, they act like any talk of accountability is punishment...and that you should learn compassion and mercy. Oh, and if you tell them how they hurt you, they say, "oh..you thought I was hurting you? Well, you have no idea what I can do to you.." They see your pain or weakness like a shark detects blood in the water. They exploit and attack your pain and weakness to have an upper hand against you. All this makes my stomach churn. Especially since I know I'm not alone. I just don't get how they can keep going on like this and not have a conscience about it. I mean, if you don't want people doing these things to you...why would you purposely cause such harm and suffering to others?
Every explanation you gave to questions that matched my own helped me so much. I’m 63 and could relate to every question, including the guilt that I had to overcome, thanks to you and my perfect Father who knows everything.
dear Dr Carter, I just want to thank you for making these videos. you have saved my life literally. I grew up in a highly naracisstic family, with 7 siblings. both parents and at least 2-3 naracisstic siblings. I have endured smear campaigns, emotional/physical/psycological abuse, and I have gone no contact for the last 5 years. As the scapegoat of the family, it came very close to completely destroying me. God intervened and brought me to you and others in your field and to those who have been were I am coming out of. As I continue to heal and grow, I wanted to tell you just how grateful I am that you were there to help me on the right path to be the loving, kind, compassionate person that I know myself to be. Thank you so much and may God keep you safe and well. Bless you.
Awe, Dr. C., you’re awesome! Thank you so much for this wonderfully love filled sharing session. You always know how to lay it all out the way it is. 🥰
Thank you for sharing about your dad and reflecting 'loving well' that is so lovely,I lost my dad at 15 years old my son is like him in many ways got my side of the families genes, thank the Lord.
Holy cow. I've said repeatedly that I'm shocked and quite taken aback when my husband finally actually uses my name. I noticed several years ago that over time I started to I feel like I'm choking on my own name when I have to introduce myself in person or on the phone. I worry that even such a simple name won't come across clearly to them.
That’s so weird but so true… I just started noticing that I have a hard time signing things… like my hand doesn’t want to write it… especially my last name ( which is his) …so weird
Had to come back here to reply on my original comment above. My husband just used my name for the first time since I left the original comment a month ago...and it was only to get my attention to make a sneering comment to me.
DR. C , love ALL your videos. Love and prayers from California!!!Keep on doing what you do; helping others and helping those that can be a help to so many!!🙏🙏🙌
I went grey-rock with a narc several years ago. Many times during awful conversation, when he would be gas-lighting me, condescending, and using all the tricks in the narc's handbook, I would start defending myself. He would say things like, you don't have to raise your voice, you're getting out of control, etc. Toward the end (I had moved out by then and was safe) I started just being quiet, not getting triggered, not paying attention to his demands or manipulations. That's when he started yelling so I gave him a dose of his own medicine and said...you don't have to yell, I heard you the first time, etc etc. It felt kinda good.
Yes!! Let's keep it rolling please, I was lost before I saw your teachings. I thought it was me , that I was crazy. But now the clouds are gone 🙂.... Never stop making theses please.
I struggle, a lot, with getting out of the beliefs that he's shoved in my face all those years! Getting over the worthlessness feelings even though we aren't together anymore. I know who I am and I am healing but I find in the early morning and evening hours those thoughts will try to control me. I'm getting control over them but it's been a journey. I do still struggle....
Because of you I am finding a way to keep myself together until I have the finances to move out from under my covert narcissist mother. It’s been incredibly hard, and I struggle somedays to even leave my room. Thank you so so much for your content.
Dr. Carter you’re like the dad I never had - a good adult role model.
Thank you, I wish to be worthy of your comments. Dr. C
I feel the same. Your channel has helped me through some of the toughest times in my life dealing with this issue. I appreciate the humanity and concern you've brought on this topic. As easy as it is to feel alone in this situation, I know that I'm not. You have articulated much of the pain and frustration that I deal with and it gives me encouragement and hope. Thank you!
I feel the same. Dr Carter, like the dad I never had and wanted so bad! And I’m 68 years old! 😂 You have helped me more than any counselor and I have been to a number of them throughout my life. Just hearing someone put into words simple language that explain and make sense of the ways narcissism works to beat down a person’s personality- what makes them the unique and special person that they are. Thank you Dr. C. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.
Yes! I know I'm not supposed to compare but if I'd had a dad like you, how different my life would've been?
I co-sign this. 100%.
On the narcissists using religion.
God uses good people, bad people use God.
It's one of my favourite quotes. Heard it third hand one day and it struck a chord.
Love that! TFS
Amen!👐🙏🕊️! I couldn't agree more. I am dealing with a narcissistic neighbor former "friend" and church member. Only she can hear from God and knows what he thinks. She knows and it's a guarantee she is going to heaven everyone else not so much. She puts herself above God and his commandments . But wow in public and in church all smiles hugs and praise Jesus 🙄.
She tries to control me and says God told her what I need to do and if I go against her I am going against God. She told me she had to use her influence in the church and beg the pastor to baptize me and that she is always having to defend my faith and character to the pastor's and praise team. Because of this I owe her and I need to filter my life through her. If she is not praised, worshipped, the center of attention, getting her way, controlling everyone, devaluing peoole, is told no or called out on her lies and bad behavior then all hell breaks loose. She begins the smear campaign, physical and verbal outbursts, arguing, scapegoating sabotaging, baiting and trying to provoke me. She will not let up and plays the gotcha game constantly. It's so sad! I just grey rock and shutty shutty with her and pray for her. But I am done being played like a fiddle by her and playing games. No contact and forgiveness has taken all of her control away and empowered me.
@Mary Carroll I am so sorry that you had to experience a relationship/marriage like that. I hope you were able to heal and find peace! No matter what your narcissist told you know that you are God's beloved! The behavior of your narcissist is the exact opposite of how a true Christian is. It's disgusting when people commit abusive hideous acts in the name of God. Thank you for having the courage to share your story!
Ty 4 this one.
@Mary Carroll Amen! Praise God! It's a great victory in Christ and a wonderful testimony! I am so glad you came out of the relationship a warrior! Thank you for sharing your experience with me! I appreciate it! It's good to hear the stories of survivors of gives me hope!
We overcome satan by the blood of Christ, the word of God and our testimony. Revelations 12:11
God bless you 🙏
I can't get over the unfairness of being destroyed by the people that were supposed to love me. I feel like I'm damaged beyond repair. It's completely senseless
❤
I feel your pain. I still won't date, almost 8 years later. Don't trust anyone.
I’ve come to a place in my life at 62 years old, after 3 crazy husbands, that I can’t give any more of myself to a man. I give way too much, and was afraid to have my own opinion because I did want to hurt their feelings. I’m free and so happy🙏🏻
Your decision seems logical. Dr. C
I think that if you find yourself seriously asking yourself "Am I a narcissist" when you realize you've been raised by one, you're on the right path because I would figure real narcissists never ask themselves that or are concerned about it. I was raised by a narcissist and since realizing that a few years ago, I can see not only the damage they did, but how I've responded throughout my life with narcissist tendencies of my own. Trying to work through these issues and check my own ego without blaming myself.
Good perspective. Dr. C
Same here, i realise I have attracted so many narcs in my life, I think I must be one too. Started with my mother who I ran from instinctively once I was 17, the way I feel about that at the time was that I was running from emptiness and superficial ness. I ran to find deep meaning but instead just ran straight into the arms of multiple narcs. What does that say about me?
Exactly my thoughts.
I had a malignant narcissist dad who physically abused my mom several several times, kicking my mom, punching her, she had bruises head to toe when i was young,. my mom never thought of divorving my dad, she ended up committing suicide for couple of times. It was God’s grace that my mom is still alive despite her suicide attempts and being beaten up by my dad. That time, after years of abuse, i was able to ask help from my Law professor who works in department of justice. Cutting the story short, i was able to get a restraining order and going to court, divorcing my dad and mom when i was 20. It took me many years to guide my mom walked out from the shadow of my dad. 5 years after, my dad had been reaching out to me for financial support. I had been sending financial support to him for a total of 12 years. Now that my dad is old at 69 years old, he wants me to reunite with him. I cannot trust him seeing him beating up my mom when i was a kid till i was 20 years old. However, i feel guilty everytime my dad text me that he love me, he gave me life, he changed my diapers when i was a baby. My dad said i should not avoid him because of my mom. He demands me to tell him i love him every single day because I am his sunshine. I followed his demands telling him i love him everyday. Now he is demanding me to live with him. I feel guilty not heeding to his demands.
Dear Age Oh Truth,
I wonder how you got your RUclips handle. I am an older person raised by a narcissist with other narcissists in my family. Is everything that is posted on this site for subscribers only, or can the whole world see? Hence the interest in the RUclips handle. I would like to be part of the discussion but don't want people outside this group to know my business. I would be grateful for your reply.
This man's soul is so full of love and beauty its palpable. He cares so very much that we must remember him in our thoughts and prayers 🙏 He gives out so much energy and love that we must add to his heart by showing our progress and respect! I love you Dr. C
The comment/question by the person who said they cry all day and night from the pain of their narc partner really touched me deeply. I know that person's pain. I lived it for several years into my marriage. My way of dealing with it was to make my own life within the marriage and concentrated on developing my skills, likes and following up on them. My husband didn't like that I did this and would make it clear how he felt. I learned how to ignore the comments by telling myself that his statements reflected on how deeply insecure he was and that was his problem, not mine. I did not do this alone. I had/have a great therapist who has been a rock of support in my internal growth. Maybe someone from your group could follow up with her to find out if therapy is a possibility for that person. Thanks so much for reading that person's comment/question. It really touched my heart. I'm from Illinois.
Your response was just beautiful and,even though I am not the one who wrote the question, I still got a lot from your response. Working on this myself☹️
Thank you for your words, it explains after I had both breasts removed after BC and I wanted to do a yoga course to have a fresh start, my husband said “what about me, what am I going to do for six weeks”. I cancelled the course, he got so worked up he chased me around the kitchen island and we ended up in hospital because he was having some sort of attack and needed pills to calm down.
No name except expletives for 20 years!!!
I thought I was the only one...
Great content in this video. Thank you for sharing!!!
Thank you so much for airing these real life stories. It is so very helpful to listen to Dr C's replies. I appreciate being able to listen and learn and be reassured. Thank you so much!!
I tried to do this, and within 2 months he had cut me off from our finances, and the final straw was threatening to baker act me and kill me and our 2 children if I didn’t start “acting right”.. he would ask me “what makes you think you can be so confident all of a sudden?”. I left the next morning while he went to get donuts, with nothing but the clothes on our backs. Been 2 months now of no contact… my Dad took us in and my Aunt has been helping with money and attorney until I get on my feet.. he terrifies me… y’all be safe out there!! And wish me luck- we have court Dec. 7th regarding custody.
I really hope Dr. Carter makes some videos on authoritarianism and narcissism being linked, as he mentioned. I believe that is a HIGHLY relevant matter the public needs to confront in the times we're living in. This channel is something special.
It's in the pipeline! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Excellent, thank you!
@@SurvivingNarcissism superinteresting, looking fwd to it
@@SurvivingNarcissism I can’t wait. As the narcissist I’m dealing with grew up in a very authoritarian household and also had trouble separating what occurred as rules for him as a child and making decisions in adulthood
Encountered often .ie. most days. Seems endemic. Thanks. Great comment.
The sad truth is, the more openly loving we are, the more we’re a target for narcissists. The presence of love seems to evoke their insecurities which they need to put a stop to. The key is to keep our hearts open, learn to recognise our own vulnerabilities and exploits, and then do the work.
There’s a Japanese proverb about 3 ways to wear a kimono:
- holding it open (naive)
- holding it closed (cynical)
- letting it just hang with hands free… (responsive, can act, defend or assert as needed)
About holding it closed at the moment until life changes.
Excellent comment....excellent advice! I agree 100% 😊
@@lindasharpe7039 I hear you. It’s tough being in a situation where we need to choose to protect
Love the saying !!
You are so right, the more you give them love and show them how much you want them, that's when they shit on you, and they love doing it
God bless you Dr Carter for your empathy, sympathy & kindness.
The “not using your name” thing. After I grew up, even still sometimes now and I’m getting old, whenever someone used my name and it wasn’t because I was being corrected or yelled at, I’d sometimes have to fight being teary about it. It was quite a revelation when I figured out my name wasn’t used growing up unless it was being used as something like a curse word or an admonishment. It’s a big thing.
You’re not alone.
Despite the loss of my family by facing that reality, I am happy.
Living the life I deserve and always dreamed of. Healthy and loving myself like I never could with them in my life.
This was a stunner revelation to me in the group!!! I now sense very very deeply when hearing another person say my name with affection ....how very real for 73 years....I was lifted “unnamed” within family,ex, and certain troubled people!!!!! Strange it is almost like Jesus calls and soothes with His love when you hear yourself validated by another person!!!
🤗
I have the exact same issue with my name. I immediately get a feeling of dread upon first hearing someone say my name. It was ALWAYS bad news when my parents used my name.
Even further along this vein, when the narc would use my name, although rare, it was with contempt and disdain. Also instead of addressing me directly he would refer to me in the third person, much like, “look at Laura go. Who knew she could move so fast,” a direct criticism meaning I was so slow. Even typing this now brings up a large amount of anger towards him for being so mean and cruel.
Dr.C, these videos are a lifeline for me right now. A lifetime of gaslighting, smear campaigns, and emotional abuse from my narcissistic mother left me with wounds that I’m working hard on healing one by one. I chose to go no contact 10 months ago for my own sanity and emotional health. It was a heartbreaking decision after spending 47 years chasing after my mom’s love and acceptance and the family fallout was as bad as I feared it would be. Making decisions every day based on my own values and judgment gives me a peace that makes it all worth it, though. My question is this: is it normal to be overwhelmed by memories of childhood? I am unable to sort out things that really happened from those distorted by gaslighting.
Hi Christy. Yes, this indicates trauma bonds. If you're not in counseling, it would probably help to do that. Dr. C
What I get from Dr. C's videos: tools and mindset to protect myself, and to increase personal resilience. Thanks Dr. C.
I'm not a mental health expert, but when you are set up to have any kind of emotional reaction, whether positive or negative and you don't-- are completely emotionally flat-- ISN'T THAT A SYMPTOM OF PSYCHOSIS? In other words, when a narcissist sets you up for the purposes of blaming you for your COMPLETELY NATURAL reactions to being abused, aren't they REALLY punishing you for NOT being psychotic?
Yeah sometimes I feel my head will explode trying to work out the mind bending gymnastics required to understand. I too often felt like standing up for myself was the only way to preserve myself from being crushed, then they use it against you, we can’t win either way. I think that is the gotcha moment Dr is talking about. They like it when we react badly.
Yes. Your natural and healthy attributes are leveraged against you. In the same vein, they weaponise your trust, your generosity and your openness and much more. In a context of narcissism, health is rendered dysfunctional. Only awareness can counter this, as shutting down or being authentic results in a double-bind. Fortunately, awareness is super-effective.
@Surviving Narcissism replied
Okay, James Okoh.
@@lulufulu4867 Good ole supply!
I'm 64 and I was thrown out of my family for telling 2 siblings that my father molested and sexualized me. It's been 18 years that I have had to go "no contact." I have had 6 unexpected encounters with my sisters where they shamed me, re-traumatized me, bullied me, even terrorized me. They were both as bad as my father in psychological abuse. One sister tried to get me to sexually service her husband. I was 43 at the time; 12 years later, she made a reference to me needing to do that for her. Both my parents and sisters are narcs. I don't have a family any more. They have bad-mouthed me to every relative, friend of the family's, even high school friends. They never stop . . . I know they never will if given the chance. Some people can't understand how I could cut off my own mother, but she is the enabler and sets her "flying monkeys" at me. I have never and will never trust her. And ya, that's sad. You just have to accept reality and move on, creating your own family in the world.
I AM 62..when i confided my father had sexually abused me...my mother played the victim..claiming she only married him because he had raped her... she played the victim.. she cryed...sobbed..acted crazy..never once considered my feeling sof shame and abuse.. I had to walk away.. she is extreme narricist..please don`t feel you are alone! I have been there!
Bonnie and Steven I am so sorry for the awful trauma, abuse and exploitation you both endured...... and the ensuing pain you've lived with.
Sending you both lots of love, warmth and hugs. ❤🔥🤗
One of the best ways for me to disconnect with a narcissistic family member has been to compare their emotional disability to the disability of a friend who has Alzheimer's. Neither is capable, though for different reasons, of supporting/participating in a reciprocal relationship. You have to stop thinking that reason or anything else will persuade them that you are NOT their enemy and deserve to be treated with respect. When people can't participate in a balanced relationship of give-and-take, they are ill. They may have fooled a lot of people about who they are, but YOU KNOW THE TRUTH. Embrace it and stop doubting yourself. When you are treated as if you are inherently disgusting and your normal needs illegitimate, you are dealing with an emotionally ill person, and no pill will change that. Nor with your efforts.
I am 60 years ‘young’ and disconnected from my narcissistic mother 18 months ago. I am at peace with myself and decision.
Happy days
My narc- a dirty ex cop fired from two police agencies- got angry because after years of me footing the bills for everything he finally put up some money for something… then a few days later decided he regretted it. So he went to the sheriff’s office and “cop talked” them into opening an investigation on me. It was complete nonsense but cost me thousands of dollars in attorney fees. Never have any connections to cops. It’s a job that strongly attracts narcs.
Really..funny because my ex narc ended up with a cop and she cuz listening devices in his house and car she also has gotten to his Google account and see all his text messages tracking device and he has cheated on her about 10 times in one year since they've been married and she still with them but she also has pulled a gun on him multiple times.. crazy
@@CJones-wg1sj
Narcs flourish in law enforcement. When they’re caught in their crimes it’s covered up. If it’s really bad they’re allowed to resign with no criminal charges. So they just get worse & worse until they’re monsters. One very bad example is the Florida Highway Patrol trooper who was serial raping an underage girl in his patrol car. Imagine all the criminal problems that were covered up for him before it got to that level of criminality.
Mine ex Narcw as also a cop. Having also worked in a police department for 28 years I agree many are cops.
Power abuse is unfortunately common in several "moral' places. White collar crimes it was being called back in the days.
Indeed, because the system itself is inherently made to cater to abusers including narcissists. ACAB
Man… this was an emotional one. In fact it’s a big coincidence lately I had been having particularly strong anxiety outbursts because of my narcissistic dad and brother. I’m underaged right now, so I just felt so helpless in the situation. That being said, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel again and told myself this isn’t when or where my story ends.
Try to talk about this to your family doctor. It is great that you have discovered this at a young age. RUclips wasn’t around when I was young
So pleased that you are making the effort to figure it out at this stage in your life. Keep learning, and thanks for letting me be on your journey with you. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Absolutely, you all have been too helpful :)
I had a friend with anxiety problems who would lie awake at night in her 60s and chastise herself for all the mistakes she made in life.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, DON"T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR. "I should have......" doesn't help you. You learn as you age, hopefully, and you don't punish a child for not knowing something when they are young that it takes time to learn.
Let the narcissist have the responsibility for what went wrong. Don't be a codependent and take the responsibility on yourself!
I’ve been watching your teachings for a few months and the greatest comfort that has come is just having identified what this craziness was all about over the last couple years and also knowing I’m not alone. You have said hundreds of scenarios that are so identical to what happened to me that you’d think you had a hidden camera in our home. What I’ve learned from that is that this must definitely be a diagnosable condition and must be seen regularly and on a wide scale. I’ve also studied much over the last few months about the Jezebel spirit and believe me or not Doc, but soo many people having the exact same characteristics sure does suggest it might be a spiritual issue more than some may think. Anyway, thanks for all you do and it’s refreshing to see how fulfilling this work seems to also be for you. That’s when you know you’ve found your calling. Thanks again
~Indiana
Bible says when people become lovers of themselves and their hearts grow cold
hormonal overlay that causes malformed neurology in the brain, such that it aligns with anti-Life, anti-Peace, anti-Love, anti-Truth spirit, very destructive.
It’s not a spiritual issue, it’s a mental illness, or, as many prefer to say, a personality disorder. The emotional damage was done at a very young age, often as a toddler. They act the same because their damage is similar and thus the defences are the same.
Everything comes down to evil & good. I really think these people are empty souls or filled with a dark entity.
I quite agree that a lack of ability to love is a spiritual issue…
I am 62 and have had many narcissists in my life starting with my own mother. I kept attracting my mother. Thankyou for being so instramental in opening my mind to the things that have happened to me. Your way of expressing it it so easy to understand, many thanks for your understanding Les.
Dr. C so sorry your Dad isn't doing well 🙏. Thank you for sharing his insights as well as yours! I appreciate your videos and perspective. GO TEAM HEALTHY 💪☮️
I'm having to ask my boyfriend to move out it got so bad, he is punishing me with his silent treatment. Now taking things that belong to me and hiding them only to see if I can ask for his help to find these items.... very needing.
They can be so petty and childish! Dr. C
Covert. Very bad.
Doing things so that you HAVE to ask for his help. Honestly, how sick is that?! Hope you can break away good and clean (once you find all your belongings, that is!) Stay strong!
@@AlwaysStampinVideos hiding your things; that is not needy; it is nasty
Lucinda Michetti,You don't need a narcissist in your life....
Dr. Carter You’ve helped me so much. I was married to a Narcissist for 28 years. Divorced him in 2018 . Leaving him was the most traumatizing event of my life emotionally. I was brainwashed. I’m still in the trauma bonding stage. I continue to question myself. I was conditioned to blame myself for everything. He could talk circles around me. I’m healing slowly.
I'm here in Richmond VA. I'm getting a better understanding of what was happening to me. I'm starting to feel much better now knowing I'm not crazy.
My story is not finished. My skillset was as good at the time of my dealings with the narcissist. Thanks for an eye opening live stream. :)
All we can do is keep leaning forward! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism So true. The narcissists may have controlled and misshaped us formatively, but our future belongs to us (beginning in our right now present ie today and the next one & the next one) 💖😊💖
I've been listening to you Dr C for over two years from France. You sir are a class act
Thank you, and I'm glad the videos resonate. #TeamHealthy. Dr. C
I have been targeted by a narcissist for a year now. Sometimes I break down just realising that this has become normal to me, and then remembering that I used to have a life where I didn’t have to worry about showing my colleagues or location on Instagram - or if someone will message my friends or anyone I work with to try and smear me. I cry in a sort of mourning for a time before I knew what it was like for a predator to be after you every day. With any luck he’ll be charged with stalking and harassment soon but the damage is done. Who I was before he did this is dead, and I am sad for her lost future.
I finally realized that my narcissistic brother only wanted me for his supply. If he didn't get what he wanted, he would devalue me as though I don't count as a human being. He's the only one who counts. I have blocked his number on all phones, so he the only way he can try to get a hold of me is to write a letter.
Im going through the exact same thing with my brother....
Argh...im sooo done !
HELL NEVER WRITE...
MY BRO EVEN TRIED TO GET AT ME THROUGH MY CHILDREN....THANKFULLY MY CHILDREN SEE RIGHT THROUGH HIS BULL_HIT !!
@@dewuknowHIM I told my family (father and brother; mom had already passed) the good news when my daughter who I'd given up for adoption 20 years ago reached out to connect with me. My narc brother immediately attempted to contact my daughter. She told me. I recommended to both that they wait to connect at a time when I could introduce them. My brother was not interested. Then my daughter told me that my brother had tried to join her husband's Facebook. My brother is the guy who is a traveling nurse who visits cousins and tells them he hates me. Then they tell me. In retrospect I should have never told him. But then telling my Father means he would have told my brother. I wanted to introduce her to all my relatives. I have an indefatigable hope for a normal family. At this point, she has pulled away. Too much weirdness.
I was walking home from the store the other day. Someone put up a signing saying "pa needs to watch Dr. Les Carter on RUclips". You made it all the way to Port Angeles, WA. Keep up the good work. You have e helped me work through the Narcissist I have come across.
Kristy Lynn,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist.....
Thank you so much Dr. C. I ask myself everyday what's going on, my heart has been shredded since childhood by all the double minded messages. I pray 🙏 I may find peace and safety in the remaining days of my life.
God-bless you, Doctor Carter. You are an amazing gift to humanity.
Dr. C has been getting me through!! The moment I found his channel, I realized what kind of man I was dealing with. Now I'm single and taking it one day at a time.
Best wishes, Meia. Dr. C
@Gordon M Is this a book or quote?
A distinction needs to be made between an abnormal person in a normal situation...and a normal person confronted with an abnormal situation. I was brought up by a toxic narcissist and then married an abusive covert narcissist. And I was provoked unbelievably by both. Most of the time I stand by how I behaved but there are times when I acted strictly out of survival. I have left the narcs and now I can choose healthy relationships and healthy behaviours.
Dr. Carter, you are doing such a great thing with your channel- reaching so many people for good. TY again!
You are very welcome, Kelly. Dr. C
They are truly empty shells
I use to be reactive with the abuser until I learned what Narcissism was and their tactics. Then I started gray rocking him until I left safely.😍💪🙏
Dr Carter, I am one of the people from Australia (Melbourne) who stays up late to watch your videos.
Being a night owl is fine by me! Glad you're spending your time with us! Dr. C
I find that after having an emotional reaction, I’m asked, “You always have to start a fight, don’t you?” I didn’t start it; I simply reacted. I’m sick of being made the “instigator”.
Hi Rose that sounds like a typical gaslighting phrase. In my case he'd say "you're having a whole conversation with yourself". All you're trying to do is put your point across and they twist everything around.
@@Jessica-zf2df thank you! I agree.
That's what they do, they attempt to shift accountability, they practice Transference, from them to the other guy, what we used to call "table-turning" decades ago before these terms were coined or known to us. It's a form of gaslighting, yes, and plainly-spoken, it's flat-out dishonesty. They don't take responsibility for their crap, but instead, seek to put it on others. They dump, others object, and magically, it "becomes" the fault of others, those that objected. They say it takes 2 to fight, they don't want to see any distinction between fighting and objecting. They create hell, thus they create their own self-destructive abode. Good riddance to them.
Yes I agree, but also when he knew he was losing the argument he'd say things like " ok, don't labour the point" or when I raised my voice he'd say " only the dogs can hear you now" basically telling me to stop and shut up cos I was speaking too much sense and had the audacity to challenge him. I GET IT now
@@cacatr4495 two things you will never get from a narcissist are clarity and accountability. You need one to back up the other !
There ought to be a law against narcissism!!!
Carla Norwood,You look stunning,hope you are not with a narcissist.....
Oh my goodness- so very excellent! Thank you, Dr. Carter! I just need to hang onto your words when I’m being attacked by those evil narcissists in my life & tell myself every time “Do not engage.”
after many decades of contemplation I figured it out.
yes narcissists are fed by others' pain.
Age 9 is when mother quit beating me. I refused to cry.
Dr C. Thank You!!
If only I could meet someone as whole as you, Dr. Carter. You make so much sense.
Such a kind sentiment. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I am following your presentations after my encounter with a narcissist for 7 months and the cruel and coldhearted way he discarded of me. He is also an alcoholic and spends his days behind a computer screen. It was just a mess. Trying to recover without losing my mind. I can't believe how callous these individuals are. All I know is that my broken heart has to heal now💔 God bless you👑
💝Thank you AGAIN AND AGAIN💝
You are so welcome! Dr. C
My narc neighbor was divorcing her husband and he was having a hard time with it emotionally. I’ll never forget the chill that ran down my spine when she said, with a barely stifled giggle “I heard him up in his room (giggle) ..crying!” She was loving it, feeding on his sorrow. Shocked me. I don’t run with people like that and I guess I was just not prepped for it. What an insightful journey learning about this phenomenon. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the last encounter. My wife and I have a pseudo polyamory relationship and we ran into a few of the jealous narc types who just wanted to wreck shop and get between us. My wife and I share an amazingly deep connection based on total honesty and meaningful communication, and we have had many a laugh at the attempts made to subvert that bond!
Thank you Dr C for mentioning the no name thing. My last two partners (one lasted ten years and one lasted seven years) never used my name nor any name like a nickname or pet name. It was horrid to go all that time never hearing my name. My one ex would come to the door and and shout "are you there". Never my name. And you're right, it is their way of dehumanising you. I'm wondering how many others have experienced this. Thanks again from Wales UK.
PS just gone back and read all the comments from last week. Seems the no name thing is a common narcissist trait. I always thought I was the only one who never got called by her name and that it was somehow my fault.
Yes, it’s because you’re just an object of narcissistic supply to them. And they often use generic pet names because they can use the same pet name with their other lovers without having to worry about saying the wrong real name to any of them.
How can I comment without my name showing up..?
@@constancea.2218 If you're worried about privacy you can use another name on RUclips.
Sorry to hear that 😔
You have helped me through my journey on recovery from being THE target of a narcissistic parent and the smear campaigning that evolved from that. THANK YOU
2 days before my narc husband died of lung cancer in hospice, he was STILL falsely accusing me of being incompetent, of abusing him, of overspending. So hurtful. So weird. I just cant imagine what he hoped to accomplish by badmouthing me to his nurses knowing he was at deaths door.. I feel like I just survived a 25 year long pummeling. If I hadn't discovered this channel and a few others, I don't know if I would've made it.
This shows how deep this runs. I hope you have found freedom and happiness since his death .
“You’d think they’d want to go back to decency, but they don’t because decency wasn’t there to begin with.” 59, and only realized I’m still an invisible scapegoat recently. It’s hard to accept. Thanks, Dr. Carter!
Your videos are so wonderful and help me understand why certain individuals in my life seemed to attack me when I was happy, or making my own decisions, or if I said no to them. Learning more about narcissism has helped me establish boundaries with individuals who I didn’t even realize just didn’t care about my well being at all. It’s a hard truth to realize people you love have never really seen you for you, only what you can do for them.
Certain narcs are empowered by seeing yours and others pain especially if they have a part in it. After my narc quit working he said he was looking forward to “ having nothing better to do than make someone else’s life a living hell”. He didn’t say who or imply a specific person -at that time - turns out it was me.
That’s one of the meanest things I’ve ever read … I pray you’re not still with him ✨🇦🇺🙏
Yes, they enjoy hurting others. Gives them a rush.
This is all so depressing. I live in Toronto where everyone acts like a narcissist! Yes, varying levels of narcissist (as proposed by HG Tudor), but narcissists none the less, with no sense of empathy. All the church ministers and priests exhibit the same tendencies. At least when I lived in Montréal I knew some good people.
Dr C, I really like your new podcasts. I am learning so much. I punished myself for being so stupid because I was scammed . I didn't realize that people like Narcs existed in our culture. Narcs should be put in jail or a mental hospital.
Thanks! I really like this format. Dr. C
The reactive stuff happens after days, weeks or month's of repeated abuse. And then when the abuser just won't let up one day, after all that abuse they've already put the other person through for days or weeks or longer, or assaulted the person, antagonised the person mecerilessly, then the person being abused is liable to just "lose it", so to speak. Also, they can be cruel, in my experience, due to lack of empathy and a fragile ego. Imagine having hardly any ability to sympathize with someone. And also, feeling the need to be the right person, the 'in charge' person, the superior one in the room. Some narcs are worse than others in that way, but I believe that is the idea. And like he said, no love.
You explained it so accurate. I'm going through the same experience and it saddens me because it's with my son. I don't have words to describe how it had affected me, it got so bad that it was like what was more important, his ways of living, his rules and his decisions and his comfort or me saving myself. I wish I had had Dr Carter's insight to deal with this kind of people.
@@bluewaters3118 Thank you for replying and sharing your thoughts : )
Thank you Dr Carter. Valuable Questions and Valuable Responses.
My ex narcissist accused me personally, of everything everything under the sun. Cheating, lying, being places I'm not, having malicious intentions towards them, etc.... I have come to learn that all those accusations on me, were just reflections of their own guilts/flaws. It had NOTHING to do with me. I'm in my "no contact" stage currently. And this person is relentlessly doing it all, to keep trying to getting thru to me. Using unknown numbers, flying monkeys, and even following thru with their own fake suicide. Its SO VERY hard to not be triggered by this narcissist!! And this video today, helped me to realize I'm really not alone. Thank u so much Dr. C!! And to everyone in this community that have been brave enough to share their stories. (Even is only partial) U never know who ur comment may make a difference to. Thank u, everyone!!
-Jennifer-
Birmingham, Alabama
Thanks Jennifer (my wife's name). And you're right. Even though the narcissist tries desperately to make it all about you, they are constantly projecting their own unresolved miseries onto whoever is in front of them. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism
They try to declare others of being guilty of the very things they are doing! (just another way to say it) They paint the world according to their dishonesty, instead of upholding Reality or even being willing to acknowledge it. Many people are not like them, they are so twisted. Do they know that people hate them and do not respect them because of the things they do? I figure they know, but don't care, or pretend not to care, depending on how far gone they are.
Years ago, around age 30, I went to a counselor to try to learn how to deal with my mother without "disrespecting her," or arguing with her, which seemed impossible. I wanted to be a good daughter and "honor my mother" but it was like she kept on and on until she dragged an argument out of me, and I didn't want to be psychologically dominated and squelched by her. The counselor told me it wasn't my fault that I argued with her growing up, because she was the adult and I was a child. Of course, in a way it WAS my fault, but I had tried everything but allow her to psychologically obliterate me. The counselor told me I had a VERY difficult mother. In a way, that was a relief to hear.
Thank you so much for this video. I feel so bad about Mom. I left her when she died. I had been with her all day, but when Dad came in I left her. I will probably never forgive myself for that!
I hope you will. I couldn't be with my mom every step of the way because of my narcissistic sister. I thought I'd never forgive myself. Nearly 8 years later I finally had my breakthrough moment. Besides I know my mom would want what's best for me and my mental health. Best of luck to you.
You are such good company. Especially when feeling alone. Thank you DR.C.
You are so welcome. Dr. C
Hi Dr.Carter from San Diego California, you are my Life Guru and I appreciate your teaching so much . You help me every week deal with my narcissistic mother and sister. God Bless you 🙏 ❤
So pleased, Kelly. And thank you. Dr. C
You have been an inspiration to not only move forward over this past 12 months, but a source of knowledge, awareness, and simply put education.
I escaped a horribly brief (3 yrs) and ToXiC marriage.
I got the one that got away over 30yrs ago. She got away again. Discarded me, again. But then stalked me, and smear campaigned me from van. island to n.s. They are truly relentless. Still surviving. Still moving forward. Still on the right side of the dirt. 😎
Stay strong, Rob! Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism always. And sometimes you gotta dig down deep in yourself to get out of a deep hole.
Thank you Dr. Carter for your help and support. You are also a part of our family. :-) We wish you much health and power.
Your Pop sounds like a lovely person. Would love you'd have your brother on again, bring your Pop along too! We'd love to sit at the feet of all three of you guys and take it in.
28:40 :Southerners and their metaphors😄😄😄
Dear Dr. C, I am deeply grateful for your humanity and love. You are my touchstone. Thank you, Teacher. Sending my Love and Light to you and all here. Pamela
Hi Dr C, thank you so much for all the time and effort you spent for us on You tube. I’m from the Netherlands and I’m so grateful.
Since I now my husband is a covert narcissist I desperately try to heal from everything he did to me.
This is so difficult because he left 14 months ago, and is not cooperating at all in the divorce proceedings.
I can’t get on with my life, start living again, because I’m stuck in a very insecure situation.
I’m not the only one trying to divorce a narcissist, with him obstructing everything.
Do you have any advice how to live through a high conflict divorce without getting crazy and even more upset?
Thank you again, all the best for your father. You are a really kind and warm person.
Jeannette van hausden,You are absolutely gorgeous,hope you are not with a narcissist....
Dr. C. you have a unique way with words that opens up insights.
Thanks so much. Dr. C
My brother, after 35 years made contact. I sent a message. " I love you, I pray for you and I don't kick sleeping dogs." I don't owe him anything more.
Thank you Dr Carter.
Thank you Dr C from Australia….. you have been very helpful for years i though I was too sensitive angry incapable of being happy ect ect what your saying resonates
So pleased, Vicki. You're why I do this. Dr. C
200% spot on with the bit about playing gotcha.
200% spot on. Pouring kerosene and striking the match....so last century lingo....pouring the kerosene and striking the gas lighter!
Thanks for these videos, they help me fight her mental games of gotcha.
@Surviving Narcissism replied ?
They laugh like a capuchin monkey while we cry out guts out
In my experience, they get great satisfaction with punishing you. They have this twisted need to hurt and bring punishment if they feel they've been wronged. Not discussing feelings of hurt and trying to work it out like sensible adults. No, punishment MUST be dealt out! And they are the one to give it to you.
But when it comes to them, they act like any talk of accountability is punishment...and that you should learn compassion and mercy.
Oh, and if you tell them how they hurt you, they say, "oh..you thought I was hurting you? Well, you have no idea what I can do to you.."
They see your pain or weakness like a shark detects blood in the water. They exploit and attack your pain and weakness to have an upper hand against you.
All this makes my stomach churn. Especially since I know I'm not alone.
I just don't get how they can keep going on like this and not have a conscience about it. I mean, if you don't want people doing these things to you...why would you purposely cause such harm and suffering to others?
My heart is totally broken when my narcissist Brother and Mother turned my children against me.
Thank you so much Dr. Carter. You have helped me heal from narc abuse and deal with the narcs in my life. G-d Bless you. 💐
"There's not much overlap there" between narcissists and logic/reason. OMG I roared with laughter at that!!!
I can't think of a better person to work with us than you Dr. C. This is very comforting and your demeanor is so kind and informative.
Every explanation you gave to questions that matched my own helped me so much. I’m 63 and could relate to every question, including the guilt that I had to overcome, thanks to you and my perfect Father who knows everything.
dear Dr Carter, I just want to thank you for making these videos. you have saved my life literally. I grew up in a highly naracisstic family, with 7 siblings. both parents and at least 2-3 naracisstic siblings. I have endured smear campaigns, emotional/physical/psycological abuse, and I have gone no contact for the last 5 years. As the scapegoat of the family, it came very close to completely destroying me. God intervened and brought me to you and others in your field and to those who have been were I am coming out of. As I continue to heal and grow, I wanted to tell you just how grateful I am that you were there to help me on the right path to be the loving, kind, compassionate person that I know myself to be. Thank you so much and may God keep you safe and well. Bless you.
You are so welcome. Stay strong, Angela! Dr. C
Awe, Dr. C., you’re awesome! Thank you so much for this wonderfully love filled sharing session. You always know how to lay it all out the way it is. 🥰
You are so welcome. Dr. C
Thank you so much Dr. Carter for all you do. You have helped me immensely. 💗
You are so welcome. Dr. C
Thank you for sharing about your dad and reflecting 'loving well' that is so lovely,I lost my dad at 15 years old my son is like him in many ways got my side of the families genes,
thank the Lord.
Holy cow. I've said repeatedly that I'm shocked and quite taken aback when my husband finally actually uses my name. I noticed several years ago that over time I started to I feel like I'm choking on my own name when I have to introduce myself in person or on the phone. I worry that even such a simple name won't come across clearly to them.
That’s so weird but so true… I just started noticing that I have a hard time signing things… like my hand doesn’t want to write it… especially my last name ( which is his) …so weird
Had to come back here to reply on my original comment above. My husband just used my name for the first time since I left the original comment a month ago...and it was only to get my attention to make a sneering comment to me.
Love noticing a phenomenon. That's us. ♥️
The no name drove my mom crazy. I was the only one who saw her as more than object.
DR. C , love ALL your videos. Love and prayers from California!!!Keep on doing what you do; helping others and helping those that can be a help to so many!!🙏🙏🙌
Thanks, Julie! Dr. C
Thank for your help. I’m in the middle of a divorce with 2 kids and it is so bad. Miss my kids dearly.
Thank you so much Dr Carter! I’ve learned SO much from your videos! The information has been such a blessing to my healing journey!
God bless you!
Dr C out here doing the most good for the world. Team healthy!!
Team Healthy, indeed! Dr. C
Dr. C , you are a decent human being . The sanity is refreshiing. Cheers !
Thank you. Dr. C
God bless you Dr. Carter, and your team, your tranquility really is awesome sir.
Hi Dr. C. Thank you for this video. I'm 59 years old and got away from my sister. The mental abuse was too much.
Best wishes to you, Romaine. Dr. C
You are helping. You are a blessing to many! Thank you
I so deeply appreciate being on team healthy with you. Such great work ♥ thank you 💕
I went grey-rock with a narc several years ago. Many times during awful conversation, when he would be gas-lighting me, condescending, and using all the tricks in the narc's handbook, I would start defending myself. He would say things like, you don't have to raise your voice, you're getting out of control, etc. Toward the end (I had moved out by then and was safe) I started just being quiet, not getting triggered, not paying attention to his demands or manipulations. That's when he started yelling so I gave him a dose of his own medicine and said...you don't have to yell, I heard you the first time, etc etc. It felt kinda good.
Yes!! Let's keep it rolling please, I was lost before I saw your teachings. I thought it was me , that I was crazy. But now the clouds are gone 🙂.... Never stop making theses please.
Thanks once again, Ray. So glad you're with us on Team Healthy! Dr. C
Thank you so much, Dr. Carter!
I struggle, a lot, with getting out of the beliefs that he's shoved in my face all those years! Getting over the worthlessness feelings even though we aren't together anymore. I know who I am and I am healing but I find in the early morning and evening hours those thoughts will try to control me. I'm getting control over them but it's been a journey. I do still struggle....
Dr Carters talks make me feel better. Thanks Team Healthy
I absolutely believe my narcissistic husband of almost 38 yrs actually loves that he is destroying me !
They are evil 😢
Because of you I am finding a way to keep myself together until I have the finances to move out from under my covert narcissist mother. It’s been incredibly hard, and I struggle somedays to even leave my room. Thank you so so much for your content.
It's not easy but it can happen! Stay strong! Dr. C