that and also healing your attachment style will wake you up from the trauma bond and codependency and ensure to not get into another abusive relationship
@@azzx5738 I agree...its vital to never give up looking for a way out. Sooner or layer that opportunity will present itself and it's best one be prepared.
Once you get out of that chaos, you will wonder how you ever ever lived in it. Getting out and staying out IS WORTH IT. It's NOT easy, but it's WORTH it. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
In 18 months my son will be 18. That's when I'll feel truly safe and really begin to live my life the way I want. I won't have to even deal with hybrid no contact. It can be ZERO contact. I'm throwing my son a HUGE 18th birthday and a freedom party for me. My divorce was finalized on the 5th of July 2010, but my Independence Day will be around Christmas 2018.
The covert narcissist wants you to always feel unsure or the walking on egg shell syndrome. Bad things you do are exaggerated and the good thing you do are ignored or minimized.
Yeah that is for sure the truth Toneman! Plus we get so fixated on the breadcrumbs that they "offer" that we are blind to the reality of our own demise. -Duane
Omg! Perfect summary of what it's like! My mom abandoned me at the age of 20 and brings up the most trivial things I did as a teenager as a means of justifying her horrible treatment of me. The smallest things I did in my youth are held against me like I committed some genocidal crime against humanity.
walking on egg shells the constant bickering and nit picking is complete torture. My brain is so tired and I forget who i am... I literally hate being married I wish there was an easy way out
That’s the key Kelly, if they can keep you off kilter then you don’t have time to see what is really going on. It really is a living nightmare that *slowly* breaks your spirit. I hope you’ve escape the nightmare and are working on your own healing. -Duane
Not only the ex partner all of whom they are in communal narcissism with are hoping that you will self-destruct too. When each person in a marriage is from 2 communities with many people in it using their status to help run the whole community with their narcissistic sense of superiority and extreme sense of self-righteous entitlement it is like being in the middle of a cold war while getting more and more isolated away from your own biological children. If there is only 1 parent in a divorce conflict who is not narcissistic both the children and in some cases the other parent too has a chance of survival. When making decisions asking yourself, if the other parent would all of a sudden die from what is called natural causes could I say that I did everything I could to help stop both my children and them too from going down the tubes? Asking someone for help who is recommended to you by a lawyer in that decision making process is important. I wish to have found this online support group sooner after being told by my lawyer to find a men's support group as a non-custodial parent if not getting enough emotional support and so now that my children are adults here I am. I did go to an end of the year barbecue once for the same a long time ago but without my own vehicle in a cold climate where it gets dark at 4 pm sometimes in the winter I could not attend regular meetings. So I stuck only with the battered women's support groups. Both strategies have helped me a lot.
Hi Ghost, when I was going through “that phase” I used that knowledge (that they wanted me to self-destruct) to garner the “strength” to NOT do that. It was one of those things where just my defiance helped me feel a little better. It didn’t always work and I still had REALLY BAD down days but it kept me going for a while until I was able to find “better” and more constructive ways to rebuild my life.
It's a vicious cycle...very draining and not worth it. Wish I'd recognized the signs, went through it with my first husband and even worse with this marriage. Now I'm numb sometimes or too comfortable to leave, not sure why I feel like I am so stuck.
It's death by a thousand cuts. Or the frog in a pot of warm water being incrementally heated up over time until the water is boiling and the frog is dead. That's what it feels like. Ask me how I know.
Hi Jed and welcome to the channel! Yeah it really is - just a slow painful process. Okay, so how do you know? (I’m almost scared to hear the answer) -Duane
I'm living it. Taking steps to get out of it. My mother is an overt narc. I married a covert narc. Go figure. So much therapy ahead. But your videos don't make me feel so crazy knowing that I'm acting normally to a very abnormal situation.
Jed that is such an important realization. It is *so very easy* to feel like you are loosing your mind when going through this situations. That is one of the reasons why I routinely say, “This is normal, your response is normal.” I know when I was going through this I was wondering the same thing and I felt like I was going crazy. -Duane
Whenever she saw I was having too good of a day, she would invariably save me from it. Usually by insulting me, or running me down in some way. Problem solved! I was as unhappy as she was.......:( Now that she's been gone for several years I love getting up in the morning almost every morning. My life is great!
Man Tyr I can sure remember *those days*. I swear I could only be happy *if* and when she decided it was okay for me to be. The constant subtle put downs were very damaging. It was a constant battle to get through each day - especially when you also added a stressful job in the mix. I do have some continued stress because of the children and financials but I do love every day of my life and the possibilities for the future! -Duane
I was psychologically abused by my mother. She yelled at me for trivial matters, she made fun of me, and she made me feel like I wasn't good enough. It almost drove me to suicide as a teenager. As an adult, I still got the abuse from her. She's not as bad now, but she still finds excuses to make me feel bad. There have been people who have tried to get me to have a relationship with her, but why should I have a relationship with someone who likes to put me down?
God this is the same thing that happened to me. I dotn know why our parents expect us to go on like this especially when they know they are hurting us by doing this. Just know that your parent is mentally ill and do not listen to them. I sure will not be listening to my parents ever again anymore
If my Spouse hadn’t died on Thanksgiving from Kidney cancer, I’d still be stuck with him; and I know that sounds terrible, but he emotionally & verbally abused me for over 18 years. He was such a narcissist, and so good at it, every time I got fed up from the screaming & yelling, the continual criticism and the gaslighting, he’d either do something nice to try and make me think “he’s not THAT bad, he’s not hitting me...” or he’d convince me of what a “loser” I was and that I’d never make it on my own. He was a self-centered ASSHOLE and a jerk. He’d take all these pictures of himself, because he was in love with himself. I don’t mean just an occasional selfie-I mean tons of pictures of himself. He only had 1 picture of me that was from over 20 years ago. My life is getting better every day without him, but I think I need therapy to get over the anger, and not end stuck with another narcissistic prick.
Constant emotional abuse results in the loss of the sense of self or an altered sense of self, as well as learned helplessness all of which I am trying to heal from with help from my counselor. It's important to get help because the narc doesn't want you to get better, because when you get better they can not control you.
I do not have money thou. :( But i am getting better day by day. :) It takes a lot of time but i do not have much choice at the moment. I hope that you will get well very soon to!
OMG I'm sitting here in tears because you are describing every emotional feeling that I have in my marriage. I never knew what a sociopath or a narcissist was before I married him. This has been an emotional, mental and physical roller coaster. I thought it was Me. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. Thank you for putting things into perspective.
It was like a total suffocation of self. I was breaking down in tears almost daily and he used that to justify calling me crazy to my family members behind my back. It was a nightmare. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and just grabbed my dog, a few belongings, and left. I haven’t seen him since and I have not once regretted it. The freedom and peace are so worth it. And I can’t remember the last time I cried like that or felt helpless. Wishing peace for anyone currently going through this.
recognized it this year. recognized that my entire life i’ve been emotionally abused by my mother and it’s contributed to my depression and anxiety. i never even knew emotional abuse was a thing. but now, i’ve started planning on ways to remove myself. first - by not having to rely on her for anything at all.
I’m just over 5 years in. I am emotionally abused EVERY Day. It’s affecting my physical health. I can’t breath. I’ve been isolated with this guy for years. I just want out. I don’t want to die here, but he is killing me. I’ve lost hope of getting out of here. The pain is more than I can bare.
Hi Darcie and welcome to the channel. Have you started working on a way out? Is there a way you can get other systems involved? In my area our doctors as standard questions about abuse to try and prompt the conversation. Maybe you can go to urgent care and see if they can route you to appropriate services. Please don’t loose hope because there is always hope for a better future. Do you have children with him? Is there any family or friends you could escape to? -Duane
You are amazing,brave person!!! I'm telling you you can get away there is Hope whether its a women shelter or someone that knows you that don't him. This is what I did I will in the process of getting my belongings with cops around and then will move to different location with my kids and I. Enough is enough when he said I will hurt you or kill you I take this serious.I don't want to one day end up hurt bad or dead. I highly encourage you to get away from this man ASAP. For your well being physically,mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You got this!!
This is exactly what I'm going through. Last night was very hard, and I was trying to hang on minute by minute. I know this is temporary, but this "temporary " feels never ending. Right now I can't see a future.
Helena it really is *temporary* but I hear you it did feel like it was never going to end and that I was never going to get any relief from it. When I was going through it I didn't have anyone who understood - and as a result I didn't understand it either. I've talked about the minute by minute times that i went through myself so just know that you will get through this. You might just have to take a break - get some sleep - just do something to get you to the next day. When you are at the stage you are at right now don't think about the future just took at what is going on today - if you think that you don't have a future it can be daunting. But - please remember I was there too - I was at that same spot you are at now and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to make it through it. I'm here now years later doing pretty good. I'm no different than you - it may seem like it right now - in this moment - but I'm telling you I didn't believe it. If all of this gets too much to bear please seek help, reach out to a professional because it just is't worth it to allow the other person to destroy and break you. Check out my video *Having Bad Days* (ruclips.net/video/SNG6o8OBllc/видео.html) and *When You Feel Like Giving Up* (ruclips.net/video/dBzaPLacGbY/видео.html). I hope this helps and I hope you realize you are not alone in the abuse you've been through and there really is like after the pain. -Duane
Helena Fernandez Hope everything went well for you. So sorry you had to go through this. will you be willing to share to educate our community? Things are getting very hard.
Yes, I have wished I was dead when I was a kid! My mother is a narcissist. I dealt with depression growing up and had severe panic attacks while in college among other health problems and sometimes I wonder if my mom tried to poison me. I mean literally with poison. I vommitted and couldn't keep any food down, nearly died and quit eating for 1 entire month.- Who knows, but she is very, very evil and she tried to have me committed to a mental institution. I recently started wishing I was dead again being married to my narc husband, who puts so much pressure on me, but now I have the online tools to put labels on what I am going through with my husband and my mom. It is something that you really have to realize isn't your fault because it is so damaging. It's funny how narcs spot other narcs right away and my husband calls my mom Satan, never mind how he treats me! It is crazy how we minimize what we have actually endured with our loved ones. But I'm over it!!!!!! Now I shake it off like Taylor Swift in her song. The fakers gonna fake, fake fake fake fake, but I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake shake it off! LOL!
Roxann Huffman I'm sorry to read all you've been through, sadly... I relate to all of it very much. Eventually you grow a kind of armor when you understand them more and are able to see exactly what's behind it. Still is a lot of stuff I wish no one ever had or has to deal with though. It's a tough long process before you get that armor. I'm happy to hear you survived as well!
My mother is a covert narcissist and she didn't want me to marry my husband because she "had a bad feeling about him". By this point I had learned not to trust her so I didn't listen, but it ends up that it's like you said, where they can spot each other! My husband, I have come to realize, is also a covert narcissist! I also had a "best friend" growing up whom my mother didn't want me to hang out with because she didn't like her, and that "best friend" I ended up realizing was a covert narc as well! Maybe this is thee ONLY thing we can trust narcissist's in huh?! If they don't like someone then maybe make sure to stay away from that person as well!!
@@avahuntergalvan So aorry about this. For short millisecond it makes me feel netter to realize that it is the demon in my mom that makes her so it. No human is capable of that much high level of hatred.
The worst thing about this abuse is how you start to hear your abusers in your head after awhile. I hear my siblings and mom in my head constantly criticizing me. I don't know what to do.
Temporary doesn't resonate in my life. Had the same relationship with my father and have been married for 21 years. I have tried changing thought patterns but it isn't easily done when you are treated like a misbehaving pet.
I was anxious of the future, too. I'd wake up 2-6 times a night with nocturnal panic attacks. Bolting upright in bed, heart racing, couldn't breathe, clutching my chest and gasping for air. That jerk would just continue sleeping. 🤦🏻♀️ Out almost 4 years and soooooo happy!!!!!!!!! Remarried to an amazing man who has helped me heal from so much abuse: psychological, emotional, physical, sexual, financial and spiritual. Praise God!!!!
...so much wasted hope, devaluation of 'self', neglect, manipulationship, all that energy invested in trying to make things work, keep a family together, pumped and dumped, ....cognitive dissonance, lalaland, nothing makes sense until you understand and educate yourself, and then learn to see the final discard as a liberation, and little by little the colours come back into your life, and the present is calmer, etc. Its a long journey, but we only have one life. Greetings Duane.
Yeah it is liberating it just doesn't feel like it at the time but honestly Robert it is the single best gift they can give us - that discard is the first step of opening our eyes and starting to get our power and lives back! -Duane
Funny, as soon as I went to therapy and held him accountable for being abusive to me he figured that his mind game was over and he walked away to the arms of a co-worker after an abusive 7 year relationship. Its like he smelled that I was waking up and his time was running low. Now I don't deal with abuse directly but I suffer so much co-parenting and sharing the kids which are 4 and 7 years old. I suffer to see him being so obsessive with kids when they used to bother him while living with us. I get on my knees and Pray everyday.
I hope that things are better for you. I got out of a 17 year abusive marriage 2 years ago. I finally walked away and went no contact. She found a new supply within 4 month's. My kids are 18 and 20 so the co parenting is not that bad. Anyway take care. I wrote a comment because for me, it all started in Peru and you are Latina. Maybe it's a Latino-Americano thing? Never know?
Thank you for sharing this! As a female psychotherapist, it is so needed for men to step up and share that they too are victims of emotional abuse. Thank you for being a very important voice! Can't wait to see what God has in store for your new life! Best Wishes always!
I was always sacred of the future. You are SO DAMN RIGHT. why do spouses inflict so much pain like as if the other spouse doesn't deserve a normal life. You are a champion since I went through this 100% plus! Tips for other people- I started by creating a log of all emotionally smashing n damaging statements I used receive with a date against it on my iPhone. Soon I realized that my frequency of abuse was going up to more than twice per week. Then I called my attorney and said a life of a pig is better than mine and today I am relieved to have my life back! Thanks to God and the strong family code in this country!
Okay maybe it's just that it's late but I nearly fell out of my chair when I read *a life of a pig is better than mine* that was great! Thank you for that I needed that right now. I liked your idea of creating a log to really track what was going on. It's amazing how you can get your life back and you can get your hope back. The simple fact that you can be excited about the unknown where just a short time ago it was just another nightmare. It's amazing more people just don't completely break under the pressure. I'm glad you've been able to escape (or at least start to)! -Duane (Sorry about the delay I've been ill and work taking all my time) -Duane
When you get to a point where you feel numb, day to day emotional exhaustion and the difference between staying or going doesn’t make a difference it’s time to serous leave. Staying isn’t going to change them staying is just going to more damage and drag you further down misery then you’re already at.
Was there any particular song that gave you hope or allowed you to express your pain? I will tell you a couple of mine: Sailing by Christopher cross is a very sweet old sappy song. I can remember being 10 yrs old and hearing it on the radio. It takes me back to a moment in time when I was so innocent. 46 & 2 Tool finds my pain. Kissing You desiree connects me to lost loved ones. Music absolutely moves me emotionally to places I could never go alone. It also strikes up clear memories of the past for me the same way that a smell does. Individual and complex sounds actually have a noticeable impact on your mental state. Have you ever heard about the 440 hz vs 432 debate? Its very interesting. There are 2 more things you need besides music to survive this shit show called life. One is comedy and the other is faith.
Emotionally abused for 2+ years. Any time spent away from her was a threat. I got a job and she wouldn't talk too me for 2 months. Did well at said job and was offered a promotion, which I turned down because of her objections. Time with friends and the possibility of making new friends was a threat. My social media was policed by her and every conversation I had with existing friends, she read and criticized. Despite being a trustworthy person, she would accuse me of cheating constantly. Always told me I shared too much with my friends, which only isolated me further. About 9 months ago the verbal abuse turned physical, it only happened once but I should of gotten out there and then. Two weeks ago I got into a car accident while driving to work because of some abusive things she said the night before. When I turned too her for support I didn't hear from her for days. That event was my wake up call. I still can't believe she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most. Wow, just read all this back to myself and I can't believe I stayed for so long.
Very true Andrea because when that happens we serve no purpose for them anymore and they have to maintain their victim status. When they are getting supply from us they have a vested interest to play the cat and mouse game with us but as soon as that is over it's not as if they are going to just let us walk away. It's a really cruel and painful game that has a dramatic effect on our lives. -Duane
True, after last weekend the wife is sensing something is stirring on my side and switched it up trying to involve the police ! (for absolutely nothing whatsoever). I'm not buying her accusations anymore when they have nothing to do with me and I'm not trying to end the 'silence treatment' we're in now either (which I always used to do). Always blaming me, she's the victim, while I just connected the dots finding out it's exactly the other way round. She's going to get her wake up call soon, I'm drawing the line, but first seeing some professional help on my own to find out what, when, where and how.
For all who have also survived, BRAVO!!! Not easy. Victimized (mainly in the workplace & early schooling) in the past. Not easy to leave, difficult recovery, never got fully over it. But I’m here. I’m happy. I’m blessed. NEVER AGAIN!!!
The optimal way to deal with emotional pain (after going NO CONTACT) is to feel it, because great gems are on the other side of feeling that pain as soon as you arm yourself to the teeth with knowledge about yourself, manipulation&deceit. Be kind, patient and forgiving to yourself during this process! Honour your feelings!!! It's your soul calling for little changes. Thank you for this highly relatable video masterpiece and beautiful comments!🌹
i started to dissociate most of the time..and whenever things go wrong and he starts yelling I completely feel out of my body..and like I can’t hear him anymore...it’s both painful and protective one day it will end🥺💔💔
Glad it was helpful Megan! Validation is really VERY important in the early days because you feel like you are living in upside down world or the twilight zone...
Daily putdowns in the form of me being expected to listen to him complain and feel sorry for himself but if I opened my mouth about ME, all he said was "yeah", every single time. Then it was back to him. At the end when I said something, he said "Why does it always have to be a competition?" I was like "what?" How could it be a competition when it was just about him every day, all the time? I had finally said something about how I felt at the end and then it was "always a competition". I was literally horrified when my eyes finally opened about what he actually was.
I'm in the same boat. Just got out yesterday after years of abuse. Can't believe I'm going through this again. They don't love, they use. We were used.
As someone who's suffered from generational trauma I can affirm that the first half of the video gave a very accurate summary of how I felt the past decade. It always felt as though I was the problem, that everything I felt, did, said or didn't feel, do, say was wrong or not good enough. That I was flawed by design. That everything I did was never going to be enough. I was never suicidal or abused substances but because I had no support from anyone I always wondered if everyone's lives would be better off if I simply wasn't there anymore. The worst part is when most of your family refuses to see from your point of view, how quick they are to wave off your experiences, or how your own abuser actively denies the abuse they did and proceeds to gaslight you by trying to insinuate you're projecting other past abuse that you've endured but they hadn't committed onto them. It's awful when your own family, the ones supposed to help and support you, are generally apathetic towards you. There are times I often wonder if I let that come to be or if everything was broken from the start.
It is NOT your fault! There is NO excuse for abuse, ESPECIALLY from family members. I had to learn this in the hard way: Family is about LOVE not about blood. Abusers trying to bring you down because they are afraid of your potential. They are weak, you are strong! Listen to your gut feeling, trust yourself! If deep down you feel that something is wrong then it IS! Stay strong! You are worth it!
wow! thanks so much. It seems like only those that have experienced this type of abuse can really understand what I've been through. Many people are supportive and encouraging, but they just don't get it. Thanks for your transparency and willingness to share.
Hi kidzdaddy and welcome to the channel. Yes, you are very correct, if someone hasn't experienced this they have no frame of reference to really understand and as a result just aren't very helpful when trying to get through this. It would be in your best interest to guard what you do share with them so they don't get confused. It's hard because good people will want to help and they will try their best and they might even try to *push* you do "get over it" because they really do want you to feel better and they just don't understand why you are so stuck. You are very welcome - I have felt pulled to do this to try and help people - to offer a lifeline that I just didn't have when I was going through it. -Duane
Hard to realize its only a temporary situation, when your in they eye of the storm(Courts,Custody, smear campaigns,flying mommy's etc) Just know there is daylight on those dark stormy days. Go no contact & stay clear of the toxic. When you smile & feel good about yourself. that's the true Narc killer. These are rotten miserable people, who will steal the joy out of life if you let them. Stay Strong & Thanks Duane for speaking on this topic!!
Yeah Dan it really is hard - especially during the earlier stages when it seems like the family court system is biased against you and coming after everything and people who you thought were "friends" are *turning against you*. I really hope that someone going through this and feeling lost can see this video and have *some hope* that they can get through this or at least to keep working at it to have a life out from under this nightmare. I hope you are doing better Dan and I hope you are smiling and projecting good feelings and taking down those narcs! -Duane
When the narc strips you of Everything you have it feels like your whole adult Life is gone and I quite simply felt like a 14yr old with no real ´self Reliance to the adult World, hormone imbalance, insecurities,cptsd, etc etc looking out on the World. If you have a narc parent these feelings may well continue and youi pretty much have to fight your way out of them in a mental way as you did when you were a kid.In fact any attention, compliment etc was like a drug and every criticism or set back a hammer blow to the head. From this Point it is quite easy to see how you can be fooled by a new narc who future fakes a calm and prosperous future. This cycle of the narc being the abuser directly or indirectly and then standing in front of you with the solution is one of their biggest manipulation games. The solution is of course future faked and masked with abuse aswell and they regularly use this to manipulate the Children. Good video Duane!
Hi Anna - I'm not sure if you've mentioned it before - but I hope your father was able to get through the hell and have a good life afterward. I know sometimes that just isn't the case - but that truly is my hope. I hope you and your sister are doing well too! I appreciate you taking the time comment - maybe one day I'll be at 24k subs! But your channel makes me hungry!!! -Duane
My mother was like this with my dad, then i ended up getting with a man that was narcissistic for 11 years. I literally fled from him in California and moved back to Georgia where I'm from. He ended up getting primary custody of our kids even though he had been very abusive to all of us. Still praying and know i need a miracle. I have a wonderful husband now that really loves me and my kids.
Yes 100% .... it’s exhausting. They are trying to erase your consciousness and identity. I have had suicide ideation.... and thinking of my kids doesn’t let me go there. I feel like I am living in a house of cards, constantly anxious.
Garima, if you can try to find a skilled therapist who can really help you through all of this. All of those thoughts and feelings are so common and symptomatic of this type of abuse - you don't have to go it alone and there are skilled therapists that can really help. I would never thought I would ever be saying that myself but mine truly helped me.
I realized I had been abused for 18 years after a few months of subscribing to psychology pages on social media. I confronted my parents and it took them 2 years to accept and acknowledge their abusive behavior which has been acting up recently. Especially after I started telling them the truth about how I felt. I considered moving out last week and I prayed to God that he would give me a way out if it was in his will. That night, I challenged myself to go to bible study and the roommate of a leader told the group that she was going to to move to Florida. I was astonished and asked questions after the bible study was done. I have a chance to get out of life under constant emotional abuse but the transition is going to be mysterious. Because I don't know if my leader's roommate is going to move out for sure. So, I pray, read the bible, fast, and get fellowship to cope with my temporary situation.
I think that intiallly I didn't love myself, this is how the monsters found & knew me. The narc, reflected myself to myself, & following the example & seeing how worthy of love I was, the dopamine released. Love thyself, be worthy of your own love, do your best as often as possible, be single faced - brutally honest, singular with your authenticity, no hiding, be free
My train wreck involved three DUI’s. A divorce. A ten year toxic relationship. However, the third DUI broke me for the better. Broke down 100%. Was forced to move one state away, to start from the bottom and build from the bottom upwards. The low self worth, anxiety, feeling like the black sheep in all my relationships, addictions, struggles after struggles. Di-Electic Behavior Therapy was a great form of therapy. I am left with a strange inner self that doesn’t enjoy much at all, except for going back to bed.
Wow this is bang on. I just moved my kids and I out after 20 years. It's so hard but I couldn't keep going on and did not want it for my kids anymore I keep hearing his voice undermining my confidence and competence and scaring me with doubts that I'm doing the right thing. Now I'm trying to rebuild all the financial damage on my own. It's like I've been walking a tight rope with my kids and work on the ends of the pole I carry while he yells praises yells is loving criticizes compliments back and forth
I was never emotionally abused in relationships. I was emotionally abused by my former step-mom. Every time I made a mistake while helping her with foster dogs, she would just blow up at me in anger, and it was too painful for me to go through. She would also devalue me, and she wouldn't validate my feelings. She would just tell me that I'm being too sensitive. But all feelings are valid, whether a person is sensitive or not. So with her, I've gone no contact. She's not allowed in my life because her behavior is toxic.
My little sister is emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive to my whole family. She has ripped the entire family apart. She threatens, manipulates and gaslights us everyday. Yet when I tell someone outside the family about it, they think they know better... "I'd like to hear her side of the story." People never ever detect real abuse because real abuse is ugly and manipulative and a pain in the ass to talk about, let alone deal with. People who haven't experienced it just don't get it. It's a constant pressure with no relief. I feel like a never-ending ticking time bomb living with this person; she always tries to get a reaction out of us. It makes other problems in your life that much harder to deal with.
no, people don't get it because we're socially taught that women are victims and men abusers. Almost 100 years of mass media stories portraying women as innocent creatures that have to put up with male tiranny did their part well.
Aida Tumucha ur right this is what a real brave man looks like a true heroe I was soooo ashamed 4 so long I still am but greatful 4 people like this and all the resources we have
thank you for making a video about this sort of things , so many people dont care when it comes to emotional abuse not knowing it’s honestly worse than the physical abuse (at least to me )
It's worse... physical abuse daily equals murder... Mental, psychological, emotional, need to humiliate and isolate, lying behind your back, ruining your reputation... daily. That is murder of the soul. They killed you. You have to generate a new soul... that's why you feel like not safe around humans anymore because your new soul is young and has to re learn what it means to be healthy and safe again. Give yourself grace and time to heal... it's a journey not a destination. Much love. Tina Rix, LMFT. I'm a survivor of such abuse and I specialize in this area of work in my clinical practice. 17 years in the mental health field. God bless you and happy new year. 💗
I suffered from harrowing and cruel mental, emotional, verbal abuse for a year. I was stalked, fake reports so cops came to my door putting me handcuffs, harassment, death threats until they took their own life in a violent way. Now his family exalts him like he is an angel as they grieve their loss. 3 months later I am trying to pick up the pieces of the post abuse effects and working on healing from this type of trauma. It was NPD until I believe a narc collapse along with comorbidity traits. I have never suffered so much in my life, especially after his death. It’s like I’m not allowed to grieve my own abuse but I will heal nd I will see this for what it was. It’s not worth staying another minute with abusers. I hope if you’re being abused, please seek help. You re worth every second. You are a gift.
I already struggle with mental illness, but since we’ve been married I have declined. It’s baby steps but while I struggling to not be self destructive, I’m doing slightly better at self care lately. I reach out to my friends, I’m honest with them, and luckily they believe me. I have screwed up a lot of things due to my anger/hurt through this and I m trying to be less reactive, too. Yours is the first video I’ve come across that nails it. He refuses to communicate, only blames. He makes me feel like I’m less than. I guess it hit me when he had gone on a trip someplace and after a day or so, I felt like myself again. I have health issues and can’t work, and I need to try to find a way to solve this. I can’t keep doing this. Thank you for being here and for sharing your story.
Your self awareness, openness, vulnerability, compassion and willingness to share is most appreciated and spot on! I found myself in a bad marriage in my mid 20's with a tag team duo of mother-in-law and son narcissists. I suffered for 9 years before having enough and moved out of state to start over. It took years to recover! I thought narcissists were only family members and that they unleashed their brand of crazy only on those closest to them. I am shocked to experience them in the work place as well now!
God I hear you on that one Aniko! They really show up in all areas of our lives. The one situations are pretty bad too because you can feel equally trapped in those situations. I hope you've been able to keep that at bay and minimize their impact. I think we tend to think of them as "workplace bullies" but they really are just narcissists playing the same games that they can get away with.
They sure r in the work place. Wen there's more than 1, it's a big challenge. They r very insecure people, constantly competing, controlling, n puttin the knife in wen they can, jealousy is a trait n having to b lording it over u. Not a nice working enviroment. Made me sick.
Great video Duane. Snap, snap, snap on so many of your comments here. You know, we must be strong people to have got through this! I think back on awful,awful days....commanding superwoman tasks to try to fill the emptiness inside...sad to admit now how childlike I became striving to get some acknowledgment that I 'existed' in his world. I'm so angry with myself now that I let someone treat me so badly. We need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and like the L'oreal ad, say 'We're worth it'!!!!...... Worth so much more than to be propping up a parasite. Thanks so much for your great vids, Duane.x
That is a really good point Grace about how we strive to be recognized by the other person. I also can relate to the anger but it will subside over time - it took me a long while before I realized I just couldn't keep the anger going because it was slowly killing me in other ways. -Duane
Grace...I find myself childlike too!! In matters of the heart ...We are children! And our hearts were broken....Over and over! The child in us that was NEVER loved, accepted or appreciated for WHO we are...And sadistically abused as well in the most twisted and calculated manner as we know it to be! While we were silently screaming LOVE ME...FOR WHO I AM!! Also. it matters at what age we were first BROKEN!! Core Injury! We may stay in that age or close to it...For life!! Some abused people will even come across infantile!!! And landed in a Psychotic breakdown really young and MISDIAGNOSED because NO ONE knew about the ABUSE!! Remember "Erickson's Stages of Development" Trust vs. Distrust.....Dependence vs Autonomy..WE missed those and it became our whole lives!! Till we found Narcissistic ABUSE and this channel and more!
Grace McLoughlin... like I chasing my tail, for 6 years, with no hope of ever catching it. It's still pretty fresh: 5 months since I left, & 3 months no contact. I get so angry at myself, for having been fooled, so completely. I thought I was smart hahaha if only intelligence had anything to do with it...The most difficult thing for me, so far, has been to not look at everyone through shit smeared glasses, so I'm not suspicious. I'm very lucky, in that the people around me witnessed his shit show 1st hand.
This is where i am now. I have a nervous stomach ALL the tlme, kind of like a kid who has to confess that i stole something. It is awful. My husband is so mean.
Its not even about my ex anymore, who I left as soon as devaluation started. Its cptsd from growing up in a narcissistic home. Although I am now far removed from that, I still wake up with that tape playing in my head and my emotions are that as if I'm still there. This is a hard, hard thing to shake. I don't want to live like this anymore, so I try to get better everyday. Some days are better than others. I don't know exactly what the triggers are yet, but I am going to find out. This is a process
Bmb6 that is the really horrible part about CPTSD - you just can't quite figure out what the trigger really is. At least you know what you're dealing with and you know there is something else going on - so *hopefully* you can catch yourself when it starts to happen. It's sad because even if you get the other person out you have this lingering pre-programmed emotional abuse running around in your head. Ever new day is a day closer to getting this under control! -Duane
I'm living with two parents who appear to be engaging in some form of emotional abuse towards me. This drove me to depression, anxiety, and an explosive temper. They are very controlling, and make me act like I'm insane. I am absolutely desperate to get out. I've figured out awhile ago that they are being abusive. I used to be aware of the constant emotional drama and turmoil they were causing, and then I became so depressed that I stopped being aware and took all the blame on myself. Just this morning and after my mom did something really loudly and violently this morning, as she often does to wake us up earlier than we are awake, I checked in with my internal state and realized I am in a constant state of emotional upset from them. I have a job which is not good for me, so I plan to get another in between job to move out permanently.
Thank you SO very much for making this video. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around how things are with my boyfriend and you completely explained it. It’s almost exactly what I’m dealing with every day. I’m stuck here because of finances but I’m trying to take steps to escape this nightmare. Had a horrible night tonight where he was verbally and emotionally abusive and even threw in a threat to slap me. This lead me here and I honestly am so grateful for the articulate way you explained things. Big help.
I like how you said “when you recognized your emotional abuse and when it just popped out” because that’s exactly what happened to me! I can’t honestly say I remember when I realized it, it was just like it popped out (just like you said) and honestly I believe it was when Donald Trump became the president and everyone started talking about narcissistic abuse/narcissism and I started looking it up and I realized I was full-blown in the midst of this type of situation! I’m almost ready to walk! 🙏🏽
Hi Laura, yeah I've found it amazing how the "simple" and most profound answers are so difficult to learn and accept... God if we just could have realized this sooner! Well, I suppose in that case though we would have had "boring" lives! hang in there!
I spent 18 years living a life that knew no peace. Not at home, not at school. Slowly you fade and slowly you feel like it isn’t worth fighting any longer. I survived because of my boyfriend I say it now I’ll say it forever, if he had not told me I was worthy of better I would have slipped away and died with out never knowing what love was. I thank him constantly, he’s a goober he never realizes how much he’s done for me. I can’t help but laugh when he apologizes for not being talkative enough or not being more open. I don’t care, he’s done so much for me I will never see him as anything but perfect. Even if he dumps me I know I’m my very soul that I will never regret knowing him. I love him and I always will, whether that’s as a lover or a friend I will forever be there beside him cheering him on
I always just thought my mom was too strict and controlling, I always knew she loved me so I fixed her. It took like 2 years and things are better but I was extremely depressed and I didn’t even realise until a month ago that it was emotional abuse and it’s what caused my mental health being so bad. I still tiptoe around her so she wont get angry at me, because I could never predict what was going to set her off. I could be doing something I thought was completely normal and she would freak out at me. I’m always scared to go out with my friends and such because I don’t want her to see me leave and ask where I’m going and get mad at me. It was pure torture and I just can’t move on.
Just now starting to listen to your talk. Immediately my thought was how shocking it was, every time my narc said or did something. In my head, I would wonder what is wrong with him that he would say or do such a thing. It certainly progressed as the years passed and until one day I could not take it anymore. After 20 years and 5 kids, I couldn't take it anymore, there was no turning back at that point, no more chances for him. It took me 18 years, post divorce before discovering narcissism and realizing this was what was wrong with him. In everyway he fit into all I was learning about the covert narc. You are so right about making bad decisions because of the abuse. That is what happened to me, which led to an affair, which caused even more damage to me. It took at least 7 years after the divorce before I started understanding that I needed healing and sought it out. Healing is never done, it is ongoing. The peace of being out of that and finding peace with being alone, is the best choice you can make for yourself. I am now about 30 years out of that marriage. When others come into my home they stand at my door for a minute and look around and feel the peace and comment on it. This happens with family and people who don't really know me. Getting into yourself and finding out who and what you are, takes time. Don't get discouraged.
So good to hear this - this sort of abuse can also happen at work & you feel trapped in that situation. Yes it’s true that everyone deserves to be happy or to at.least try to be happy, rather than just stay in something that’s making you miserable.
I didn’t know what was happening in my marriage. I felt so crazy, not good enough and lost who I was. Started drinking heavily and became alcoholic and then God delivered me from that. I quit drinking, started getting better and my eyes were opened and I looked into narcissism because someone told me he sounded like a narcissist. Wow, what I found was shocking but I was somewhat still in denial because he told me everything was always my fault. It was stuck in my head becasue I did act out, I did do some things I really shouldn’t have to hurt him. After a couple years of sobriety and he continued to drink and told me I changed and out marriage problems were all my fault I decided to finally get enough money saved up to leave. It’s been tough now living a year out but still going through the divorce. Everyday I get more and more clear. I Thank God for helping me through everyday.
"Overwhelming, oppressive, don't know where it's coming from, no matter what you do doesn't solve anything..." yes.... "I'm so lucky to be with this person...." yes.... "Feeling like a failure..." yes... "Taking responsibility for everything.... " yes "Afraid of a future without her...." yes "Worst decision to leave her, destroy relationship, regret it... " yes "Go off on my boss... " yes... "Seriously damaging.... " yes... I'm trying to get out of it... I'm almost free... I'm so lucky that she is still abusive now, it's pushing me away... if she was a little bit nice I'd probably forgive her and go back... I need to remember... I can't forget.
What a well-spoken and thoughtful video. The feelings you describe make me feel like you've lived my life. When you said it was hard for you to see a future, that really hit me. "Tomorrow scared me." That's exactly where I am right now. I feel like I'm living waiting for the other shoe to drop, or for a needle to poke a balloon, a sort of... state of (seemingly) eternal dread and vigilance. Thank you for so clearly describing not only the experience of living like this, but also a timeline. Hearing you say that it's temporary, that you deserve happiness, it's such a relief. It's confusing and hard, but maybe I can make it. I haven't felt like that in my adult memory. Thanks again.
This is so amazing! You're basically describing my situation right now. The process, the thinking and planning that is happening, being on the fence, trying to decide what to do without making rash decisions etc....wow what a breath of fresh air to hear.
When I encounter toxic people, reminding me of my past with narcs, I find some yoga music and listen to the soothing vibrations, and/or I do a relaxing yoga DVD or meditation to clear my mind. I find that you have to immediately counter negativity with tranquility and calmness, not with pretend positivity nor with obsessing over the narcs.
I was under emotional abuse by my family, they were not concious about it or maybe they just pretended, but I was at a very low point (constant axiety and deep depression) and the only thing that helped me was to leave and hope that I will recover, and guess what, after one month of living apart and very limited contact I feel that my condition is slowly getting better, thank god I made that decision and also thank you Duane for your videos. -Vlad
Thank you for this. Put a lump in my throat how close to home this was. I started realising it a long time before I finally left. Firstly, there is never any remorse, never any applogies and whenever you approach that other person witn an issue, they become extremely predictable in that you know that no matter how right your view is, the other person will always come back with a rebuttle with extreme conviction. In the end, I started saying to him, this is not courthouse and you’re not your own defence attorney, this is a relationship and ego and winning has nothing to do with it. But he never cared about hurting me, only about himself so that didn’t help. If u feel like your psrtner always look at you as the enemy no matter what you do, but he may even fight to death for others, that is a clear sign that this person is not correct.
I'm nearly 4 months out of the relationship. I've been through 2 quarantines and my friends didn't really support me because they expected me to get out of it a lot earlier. But I'm standing strong and congratulating myself, meditating, exercising everyday, trying to cut down on the substance that I initially used to evade myself... Please do this for yourself, even if no one is giving you the credit, give it to yourself, you know how strong you are and what a huge accomplishment it is to get out of a situation like this
"I am going through divorce, child custody based resulting from accusations from abuse made by myself. I am on day 3 of being apart from our daughter who is age 3 in October. I have not had 1 day apart from her until now. I have found strength in your videos dealing with constant emotional abuse from my husband. Before we had our daughter, my husband never got a job and belittled me every day of my self worth. Would discourage me from getting a job but then tell me to get one, and also not pay for expenses, like basic food, unless we went out for food, all the while, I was also extremely upset that we had no money (or so he made me think) to go out to dinner. I was set on our future to have a family and I would ask him to just buy groceries to make meals from home to eat together. 2 years later, We we're blessed with a child that I had been praying for and dreaming about. My husband was not supportive and stated he did not want her. I immediately started online selling again to begin preparing myself for her arrival. I did everything. My husband was not supportive in even driving me to appointments, or joining me at appointments. He would leave the car without gas. Or intentionally run late, etc. He had no job our entire marriage until I was a month into my pregnancy. 4 months into my pregnancy, he called me Fat. He did this all the time before, as well. He is obsessed with self image. I've been thin all my life and at 4 months pregnant, I was 6'0", 134lbs and 12% body fat. After my husband made me get on a electronic scale, and he told me it was safe while pregnant, and I did not feel comfortable in doing so. Later when his manager arrives, be said, NO do not do that again. It's not recommended to do while pregnant. My husband even made me join a kickboxing class at his gym. I told him I'm pregnant, that's not something I want to do and he would yell at me for not making time in my life for exercise he thought I should be doing. I attended the class to please him and told the instructor that I was pregnant but to just make sure im only doing not more than I should and without contact. I told him that my husband insisted I do the class regardless of my pregnancy. This was just the beginning of our relationship with our daughter. By 8 months pregnant, we finally moved to a safe home and he took a job in China. He flew back for her birth.......with me begging him to. And left again a week later. Leaving his mom who doesn't speak English with me for help. This happened multiple times a year where without my knowledge, his parents would come and help with our daughter and over-stay while my husband worked in China. He was gone from the home a solid 9 months+ and would return home and basically ignore us. My husband is a pathological narcissist. Am finding my own truths and awareness in your videos. Although I have later found out the DSD is with Dad, I have found that I don't feel like your messages are biast against gender. I wish you offered one-on-one life empowerment. I'm trying to do as much DV counseling as I can right now. It's hard times. I go to court again 7/2. I'm trying my best to prepare for this. I will watch every single video of yours before this. Thank you"
Just to clarify. The difference between the one who is abused and the abuser is the abused one is making every effort to be a better person. Their search history is full of "How can I be a better communicator?" or they have a history of going to counseling. The abuser usually refuses to go to counseling, doesn't change their behavior pattern or the change is very minimal and slow rolling. The abused is usually the one who changed drastically for the better. That might not be true across the board. It's just been my anecdotal assessment. The clarification is important because abusers usually whittle their victims down until their victims lose their cool. Then the abuser uses that against the abused as "proof". Then the abuser bemoans victim often getting people to follow them and their "story". It's incredibly difficult for abuse victims.
"Intertwined with the appearance of being ok..." It just hurts so much, because it's true and so hard to understand why you are constantly in the loop of hope that someday it'll stop and stay ok.
I didn't realize emotional abuse naturally on my own. I only recognized I felt guilty, weird and wrong for feeling hurt. Something felt so painful, but I didn't know why.......When I felt hurt, I tried to discuss it politely and calmly, but....BUT .... I was constantly reminded that I was wrong/guilty/selfish/entitled/ needy/ controlling/too sensitive/too crazy/etc. for feeling hurt. And every time I was left baffled. I felt hurt and I was accused every time for even bringing it up. I took the bait of accusations without realizing they were false. The only time I realized that the accusations were false was only after I started reading online about examples of gaslighting, blame-shifting, hot-cold or push-pull behaviors, silent treatments and other emotional abuse in general. Only after learning about that (thanks to youtube videos!), I could see that clearly. Once I could recognize the gaslighting and pathological lies, I stopped feeling guilty for feeling hurt. I let myself cry for about one year in the bathroom and eventually I processed my hurt feelings and let them out. I got to the point where I didn't feel hurt anymore. I just felt pity for my boyfriend, whose behaviors nicely matched covered narcissism descriptions. Today I can only feel sorry that he does not know what it is like to care for someone else's feelings, I feel sorry that he does not know what it feels like to be authentic self without fear of what society thinks.....Indeed, he can never know the happiness of genuine being and the happiness of sharing one's feelings with someone else.....The only good thing is that at least he never gets hurt because exploiting others does not really hurt that much. Oh well.... I am not ashamed for allowing myself to love the wrong person. It was my mistake and I forgave myself for it. That experience led me to so much more knowledge about manipulation that it opened my eyes in many other areas in my life. I noticed toxic people in other places, where I would never recognize them before I had learned about manipulation techniques and guilt-tripping tactics. So, the nightmarish experience with a covert narc was a good thing after all because it made so much more aware of toxic people around me. Today I have the needed knowledge and power to quickly filter the wrong people out of my life.
I just left a 7 year abusive relationship. I knew I had to leave when I was suicidal and even wishing death upon him. Unhealthy thoughts. It's uncanny how he's described how I felt so precisely. I'm literally on youtube watching videos so I do not fall for his manipulations & lies. Thank you DSD, thank you!
The crumbs of “okay-ness”, I can’t stop snatching at them. For me it’s my parents not a romantic relationship gone south. This is how I grew up, and I can’t wait to never look back
Thanks you very much. This was not only a validating and calming video but filled with wisdom for practical, mindful steps to begin a plan for making things better for self. We who've survived or are still enduring covert narcissistic abuse have spent so many thousands of hours walking on eggshells and serving the other person that we can very much lose sense of self and things we once enjoyed. I knew I was really far gone when I stopped little things I' have always done for me like always having a meticulous pedicure, manicure, and just excellent self -care. I always felt not good enough. I also stopped attending my church and group which I absolutely love. I didn't at all feel like me and I wanted me back desperately. I knew that this would take effort, faith , ,and time. One of the reasons I stopped was because I was known for always being naturally bubbly and joyful. My sadness was really showing up on my face. I looked older and super sad. ( I'm still living in the same home with my abuser but my face is markedly lifted because I'm eating healthy, working out, and not focusing on the validation of my husband. I'm loving me and doing nice things for me again. I truly didn't feel like it in the beginning. I promise, it's worth it. Whatever that means to you, do it. Journal, write, pray, write your prayers, whatever. Just suggestions and things which helped me greatly ) I am extremely spiritual. You'd be surprised as to how much the Bible has to say about narcissism and emotional abuse. I began forcing myself to pamper me in some form daily even though I didn't even feel like doing it. The fact is that self -loathing can insidiously creep in because you have not only been treated as not good enough, but because you haven't been living by your own morals, values, standards,as well and especially because you have allowed someone to crash over and step on your boundaries and heart. This is extraordinarily confusing to the identity and sense of self. It's not you, at least not the real you. Returning to healthy self -love and even serving outside of the home has been of great help to me as I make plans to live my best life and what I believe I was placed upon this earth to do. I believe that God wants me happy, whole, healthy, blessed, and especially living my best life without compromising any healthy boundaries. I believe this for everyone. I pray for and bless all enduring and surviving this. I believe that mine and your best life is around the corner. God didn't do this, but will use it to catapult you to a wonderful life. Wisdom and discernment in natters of relationship and choosing wisely will be greatly sharpened. GREAT VIDEO MESSAGE. TRULY A POSITIVE AND ENCOURAGING MESSAGE! Blessings!
ABSOLUTELY! And I would also say if you end up with an abusive spouse there is probably a good chance that there was also abuse in childhood. When we start to recognize those signs and realize that family is also bringing chaos and drama into our lives we are perfectively justified to setup boundaries to minimize that - and if they are unwilling to adhere to that then they do not have a *right* to have access to you. Doesn't mean you are doing it to punish them - you are giving yourself peace from the chaos! Hope you're doing well Tracey!
@@DSD I`m on SSI disability. My sister won`t stop harassing me and wants to control what I order, what I eat, what I want to do, etc. She can`t stand to see me try to gain any independence or enjoy anything. I`m living in a camper I got with my disability back pay and I`m trying to get prepping tools like solar power which makes her furious. She wants to have control over my electricity, water, food, and my brain. I have a diagnosis of spinal issues with chronic pain, depression, anxiety, and schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, but she ridicules me and says nothing is wrong with me. She told the mail carrier to not deliver my packages or mail to my home so she can open my packages and harass me. She refused to set up my utilities to be drafted out of my account and keeps causing late fees to limit my income. She`s breaking all sorts of SSI rules and breaking the law and she`s extremely dishonest and dumb. She drove up with my packages, sardines, powdered milk, a pancake maker, sunglasses, and vitamins along with eggs and food she bought for me and threw it all in my yard. She isn`t supposed to be using my debit card. Nobody but ME is. I can`t go inside stores except rarely because of panic attacks but she`s leaving a paper trail all over town making it look like I`m shopping all the time. I had to threaten to call the police to get my camper key from her. Now she`s making various threats to "cut me off" if I don`t do what she says which is basically eat one sandwich a day and allow her to control my every thought and action and she has no right to do so legally, but that`s what she`s trying to do apparently, make me have a complete mental breakdown so she can gain complete control of my life. I just want it to stop. She hid my paperwork, ID, medical cards, phone numbers, etc, so I can`t even get state transportation to my doctor visits and pharmacy.
Man I needed this. I have been in a relationship with an abusive woman for 5 years and yesterday I finally reached my limit when she told me that I held her back in life and gave her 2 kids she did not want, 2 kids by the way...if she did not want kids then she should as a woman have taken the responsibility of preventing pregnancy...by the way we planned my 2 beautiful girls. She is always unhappy and always wants to put me down, at some point I realised this woman hates me and there is no saving or making her see what she is doing is causing damage to our family. Anyway I this time around have decided it's time to worry about mine and my girls mental health, security and a healthy living environment. We got separate places in 2020 to try and figure it out and spent only weekends as a family when she and my girls would come but nothing has changed, still the same person and it's time I fight for my kids and me and move on to a healthier life without her.
With me it led to a complete breakdown, was not able to work anymore and hold relashion ships. There should be financial aid that is high enough to help victims out and keep them out of further abuse
I don't know what led me to this video but I needed it, thank you. I was married to an extremely physically and emotionally abusive person for 12 years. I left and it was so hard, I don't have family (they were profoundly abusive and I left home at a young age) and I endured being homeless for a while. Years later I've found myself in another situation that is more subtly abusive. He occasionally cheats and lies, and feels entitled to talk down to me at times, but 90% of the time he is "nice" to me. I am not happy, but god it was just so hard to leave my previous abuser I don't think I could handle that again. I'm isolated and I'm working but not full time due to a chronic illness. So I'm just kind of here enduring it because I'm physically safe, just unhappy. Sometimes I feel suicidal and like it's the only way out that doesn't involve worse suffering.
Thank you!! I love that a guy that has went through this and talks about it!! Thanks for being brave and doing this!!! They discard you when sick and it’s hard to see until we went on vacy with my parents and being away from him!!! Space is a good way to see how messed up it is and the drama!!! Take steps to get out! I got a job and he sent flowered and a month later divorce papers he knew I wanted out! He was sleeping around and hiding money and our daughter found this all out and then she was suicidal!! I’m out and super happy!! They don’t leave even with restraining orders! He threatened my life and told me he would be eating Thanksgiving dinner with my parents as he worked for my dad’s company’s me had his nose up his ass yet they always talk shit behind people’s backs. They have no loyalty. Vultures all about money, status , and one upping becsue they have no self esteem. It’s sad and we went to therapist 4 times and he would leave every time. He hates therapy. He came back to me then he filed for divorce knowing I wasn’t going to stay 5 years later again and I told him he had a choice! Divorce or seperation but my parents built me a hosue and he and I both grow up and see what happens. He left and was sleeping with his bother in laws little sister whom is 26 and been married 2x and has a child with each man. Guess who got fixed! Lol he hates paying child support and is behind with our kids. These people are all about themsleves and. Sick
The moment I realised I was in a seriously dangerous relationship (and it just clicked) was when I had an object thrown across the room at me and hit me, I broke down crying and told my husband that I was afraid of him..... to that he responded, “stop being a sook and playing the fucking victim “. It was in that moment I knew he had no empathy for me, and never would. He would never understand his damaging actions or how they hurt me, physically and emotionally. God Keeps me strong when nothing else does 🙏🏼💪🏼
Your quote of your husband saying "stop playing the fucking victim" sent shivers down my spine. It's exactly what mine says any time I have a breakdown after enduring a plethora of verbal abuse from him.
@@Chelsey-Cello Get out, or tell him to get help 4 his anger issues. There r reasons y people r so angry, he needs 2get 2 the bottom of his issues n needs help.
@@christinathom5528 She should absolutely get out but as for him. Nope. Abusers don't abuse because they have issues..they abuse because they are ABUSERS. Now, SHE DEFINITELY Needs help and her issue is that she is being victimized and I hope she gets out.
Yes, it's temporary. Don't make a self destructive decision in this situation. The situation looks like it will go on forever, but it won't. You will outlast it.
They want you to be dependent on them. ☹️ I had a stalker obsessed person say to me “You’re a bad person.” But he desperately wanted to go out with me. Have me as a girlfriend. It confuses your mind. Why do you want to be with me if I’m such a terrible person? They want you to think you are lucky to have them. Lucky that they put up with you. When in reality they are attacking you and making you feel small. So that you stay and feel like this if this all you deserve.
Judith the sad reality is once we finish (finalize) this nightmare of an experience and we start to feel “safe” (or at least done with this) the emotions that we haven’t been able to feel or process generally come crashing down. If you are not expecting it it can really send in a downward spiral because you think/feel that things should get better not worse. It’s the same thing with PTSD (which I truly believe most of us experience). You don’t really feel the emotions at the time it is only afterward when it comes crashing down. Know you are not alone and you do not have to deal with this alone. There are a lot of support groups/resources (even this channel) that can help with that.
I'm not sure if you feel this way yet BUT after breaking free I honestly feel like my worst day now is better than my best day before. I know that sounds weird but when you are living in a pressure cooker with constant gaslighting and emotional manipulation it is like a living nightmare. Ask your therapist if they are trained in EMDR - it can REALLY help with PTSD and deep trauma.
I’m glad I’m not the only one here affected by such a situation. What do you do if you have two kids who don’t understand how you are being affected by this situation?
Duane, every one of you words here- EXACTLY! The NPD I was with would look at me and say 'you are the problem, you can fix this'. I spent 16 years always afraid of what the future would be like- the summer, or when the kids started school. I was living in his reality- his mind. He was sucking the life out of me. He made huge surprise financial changes one day, that opened my eyes to the fact I was nothing but a slave, and I began to make sense of the unrest in my life. I just want to say, to any one that is just figuring this out- do NOT confront the NPD. Trust no one and get out carefully. Take all the money and possessions you can't live with out. Go no contact. You will doubt yourself endlessly, but always tell yourself you can go back in 2 years if you change your mind. Once you are out, tell the truth about the abuse to friends around you. Be kind and not bitter like the NPD. Take the high road. Esp if you have kids and live near the NPD. The high road and a positive attitude will save you. Im still fighting for custody and assets, but I am not ashamed, not a bad person, not the problem, not lonely. I am good. All of us are😁
Excellent advice Suzanne - I think confronting a narcissist, even a lower function one, is counter productive. I know we all want to - we want to expose the person for who they are - but it tips your hand and gives them an opportunity to react and regroup. Keeping that knowledge *close hold* is critical and like you said - working on a plan to *get out* is critical. I really like your idea of *telling yourself you can go back in 2 years* to condition yourself to not think about it today. It is imperative that you build a foundation that can help you when you start to doubt yourself *because you will doubt yourself*. Excellent comment Suzanne! -Duane
I have had to go through it with a disabilty growing up. It was really hard to try and find stable employment and move out. The narc would purposely (Iam sure of it) induce a repetative state of fatuigue by being really noisey or have the Tv on till midnight or passive agressive behaviour eg: stomping, clanging things and slamming doors. It was no use telling you had to try study or get sleep because it would go through one ear and out the other and the narc did it more. Study or reading had to be done from 12:30 to 2 in the morning or you had to go to the library. However it was hopeless coz then you had the co- dependant parent asking where you were with 1000 questions. There were points where I thought suicide was the only way out. In my young adult life I would rely on alcohol to numb the hyper sensory sensativities just to cope. I often also thought I had no future and there was no point in trying to plan anything, out of fear of things just going pear shapped anyways. I knew better than to react so I would just ignore, keep blank, mimic psycholgist phrases like " how do you feel about that", "how is that working for you", "what do you think" and give rehtorical answers because I knew there wasn't any point in holding a conversation but the I realised the power of keeping redjimentidly busy, always going out to things; weather it was meditation sensions, going to other peoples houses, free seminares, art classes, yoga classes basically anything that would be an excuse to not be home... or I would seek refuge in the garage...
That's really tough Stez and what you are talking about is the situation my son is currently in. He has a disability that although mild significantly impact his ability to get any type of job. His best bet, as it sounds was yours, is to go to college and move out as soon as he can. He is stuck in the middle and has serious anxiety about having to "choose" or be well put in the middle. His mother is a covert narcissist, in my opinion, and she is a master at it just as my own mother was. Through therapy he has worked through his self destructive idealization but I really fear for him because he can't allow himself to see what he is going through. So my question to you have you been able to escape and have you been able to improve your environment? I know living in that environment can be overwhelming and I'm gald you've been able to at least persevere through it. -Duane
To be honest with you I have only managed to move out of home for a year. I have had to drop out of alot of courses because they weren't giving the support they had promised. Every job I have had I have prity much been brutily bullied out of or fired, the longest I have been able to hold a job is for 2 years. Every time I have disclosed my issues I would be laughed at and minimized so I quickly learned its best not to disclose to anybody unless they are working in the learning disability industry. 4 years ago I was batteling and still batteling server anxiety but what I think is ptsd and depression. This forced me to go on the DSP benefits and go to a job center specifically for dsp people. I am thankful they have found me a casual part time job at the factory now. Throughout those 4 years I have managed to get some learning disability treatment and a pair of irlen lenses so now I can read and write alot beter but still not enough to be able to write an essay :(. I also have got into painting and drawing heaps so I am now at a point where people a buying crafty cards and paintings off me but unfortunatly its not enough to rent where I live.
A message for your son would be to get as much treatment as he can afford. Go to an irlen syndrome clinic if its local enough. If you need to go in the cheap dyslexia association websites will link you to a online shop that has different coloured overlays you can put over your reading material to make life easier. Download audible if you can afford to. Play lumosity an hour a day. Eat as clean as possible: superfoods, veggies and fruits. Excercise atleast 1 hour a day. Learn as much as you can about PTSD, trauma bonding, tools on how to deal with constant rejection eg: Marissa Peer, lisa romano and you. As you probably were the scapegoat. Learn how to meditate, 4x4x4 breathing, be as organised as you can, always have a place for important things have a to do list. Go with your strengths and kick the "i need to control everything" mentality you be to profectionist to be able to do anything. Get connected with a job seeker that supports people with disability.
![Kodak Black - Catch Fire [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/A4ch-olIuZo/mqdefault.jpg)
Financial freedom is the key to get out of abusive relationships
That's the excruciatingly sad truth.
That’s what I’m having to deal with right now sadly
University is away out
that and also healing your attachment style will wake you up from the trauma bond and codependency and ensure to not get into another abusive relationship
@@azzx5738 I agree...its vital to never give up looking for a way out. Sooner or layer that opportunity will present itself and it's best one be prepared.
Once you get out of that chaos, you will wonder how you ever ever lived in it. Getting out and staying out IS WORTH IT. It's NOT easy, but it's WORTH it. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
ABSOLUTELY MaryLee! It is soooooo worth it - it isn't easy but it is better to get out from underneath that fog of control! -Duane
MaryLee i so agree! it's so very worth it! its liberating and I feel safe.
In 18 months my son will be 18. That's when I'll feel truly safe and really begin to live my life the way I want. I won't have to even deal with hybrid no contact. It can be ZERO contact. I'm throwing my son a HUGE 18th birthday and a freedom party for me. My divorce was finalized on the 5th of July 2010, but my Independence Day will be around Christmas 2018.
@@TheRealMaryLee thank you for the hope
Thanks. Needed to read. Pray if religious please.
The covert narcissist wants you to always feel unsure or the walking on egg shell syndrome. Bad things you do are exaggerated and the good thing you do are ignored or minimized.
Yeah that is for sure the truth Toneman! Plus we get so fixated on the breadcrumbs that they "offer" that we are blind to the reality of our own demise. -Duane
Omg! Perfect summary of what it's like! My mom abandoned me at the age of 20 and brings up the most trivial things I did as a teenager as a means of justifying her horrible treatment of me. The smallest things I did in my youth are held against me like I committed some genocidal crime against humanity.
walking on egg shells the constant bickering and nit picking is complete torture. My brain is so tired and I forget who i am... I literally hate being married I wish there was an easy way out
So true
@@somerealshit I am so with you
They don't want you to process things and want you to self-destruct. A living nightmare.
That’s the key Kelly, if they can keep you off kilter then you don’t have time to see what is really going on. It really is a living nightmare that *slowly* breaks your spirit. I hope you’ve escape the nightmare and are working on your own healing. -Duane
It really is a living nightmare.
Not only the ex partner all of whom they are in communal narcissism with are hoping that you will self-destruct too. When each person in a marriage is from 2 communities with many people in it using their status to help run the whole community with their narcissistic sense of superiority and extreme sense of self-righteous entitlement it is like being in the middle of a cold war while getting more and more isolated away from your own biological children. If there is only 1 parent in a divorce conflict who is not narcissistic both the children and in some cases the other parent too has a chance of survival. When making decisions asking yourself, if the other parent would all of a sudden die from what is called natural causes could I say that I did everything I could to help stop both my children and them too from going down the tubes? Asking someone for help who is recommended to you by a lawyer in that decision making process is important. I wish to have found this online support group sooner after being told by my lawyer to find a men's support group as a non-custodial parent if not getting enough emotional support and so now that my children are adults here I am. I did go to an end of the year barbecue once for the same a long time ago but without my own vehicle in a cold climate where it gets dark at 4 pm sometimes in the winter I could not attend regular meetings. So I stuck only with the battered women's support groups. Both strategies have helped me a lot.
Hi Ghost, when I was going through “that phase” I used that knowledge (that they wanted me to self-destruct) to garner the “strength” to NOT do that. It was one of those things where just my defiance helped me feel a little better. It didn’t always work and I still had REALLY BAD down days but it kept me going for a while until I was able to find “better” and more constructive ways to rebuild my life.
It's a vicious cycle...very draining and not worth it. Wish I'd recognized the signs, went through it with my first husband and even worse with this marriage. Now I'm numb sometimes or too comfortable to leave, not sure why I feel like I am so stuck.
It's death by a thousand cuts. Or the frog in a pot of warm water being incrementally heated up over time until the water is boiling and the frog is dead. That's what it feels like. Ask me how I know.
Hi Jed and welcome to the channel! Yeah it really is - just a slow painful process. Okay, so how do you know? (I’m almost scared to hear the answer) -Duane
I'm living it. Taking steps to get out of it. My mother is an overt narc. I married a covert narc. Go figure. So much therapy ahead. But your videos don't make me feel so crazy knowing that I'm acting normally to a very abnormal situation.
Jed that is such an important realization. It is *so very easy* to feel like you are loosing your mind when going through this situations. That is one of the reasons why I routinely say, “This is normal, your response is normal.” I know when I was going through this I was wondering the same thing and I felt like I was going crazy. -Duane
@@squeedum4893 Did you get out, sir? Are things better?
@@heatherhartman6474 I eventually got out and life is finally stabilizing. Thanks.
Whenever she saw I was having too good of a day, she would invariably save me from it. Usually by insulting me, or running me down in some way. Problem solved! I was as unhappy as she was.......:( Now that she's been gone for several years I love getting up in the morning almost every morning. My life is great!
Man Tyr I can sure remember *those days*. I swear I could only be happy *if* and when she decided it was okay for me to be. The constant subtle put downs were very damaging. It was a constant battle to get through each day - especially when you also added a stressful job in the mix. I do have some continued stress because of the children and financials but I do love every day of my life and the possibilities for the future! -Duane
Hear that, Tyr!! Blessings and Validation!
Went through that too!!!!
My boyfriend picks on me because he says it's fun
If you are havinf a good day dont tell them
I was psychologically abused by my mother. She yelled at me for trivial matters, she made fun of me, and she made me feel like I wasn't good enough. It almost drove me to suicide as a teenager. As an adult, I still got the abuse from her. She's not as bad now, but she still finds excuses to make me feel bad. There have been people who have tried to get me to have a relationship with her, but why should I have a relationship with someone who likes to put me down?
Stay away from your mother!
Yes, my mom too. She had men call me with obscene calls. Called me names.
screw those people, they're oblivious
God this is the same thing that happened to me. I dotn know why our parents expect us to go on like this especially when they know they are hurting us by doing this.
Just know that your parent is mentally ill and do not listen to them.
I sure will not be listening to my parents ever again anymore
They have mental health issues and love to hurt you. Go figure
Whoever you are reading this, I hope we get through this painful moments in our lives. Stay strong. Things will get better
If my Spouse hadn’t died on Thanksgiving from Kidney cancer, I’d still be stuck with him; and I know that sounds terrible, but he emotionally & verbally abused me for over 18 years. He was such a narcissist, and so good at it, every time I got fed up from the screaming & yelling, the continual criticism and the gaslighting, he’d either do something nice to try and make me think “he’s not THAT bad, he’s not hitting me...” or he’d convince me of what a “loser” I was and that I’d never make it on my own. He was a self-centered ASSHOLE and a jerk. He’d take all these pictures of himself, because he was in love with himself. I don’t mean just an occasional selfie-I mean tons of pictures of himself. He only had 1 picture of me that was from over 20 years ago. My life is getting better every day without him, but I think I need therapy to get over the anger, and not end stuck with another narcissistic prick.
Talk about Thanksgiving!
Sorry and thankful for your loss. Hope you find a path to health, healing and happiness.
My partner is like that. Only looks at himself on the odd occasion the pictures come out creepy x
@@tracyfun6918 exactly…his came out really creepy as well!
My parents word from word.
Constant emotional abuse results in the loss of the sense of self or an altered sense of self, as well as learned helplessness all of which I am trying to heal from with help from my counselor. It's important to get help because the narc doesn't want you to get better, because when you get better they can not control you.
I do not have money thou. :(
But i am getting better day by day. :) It takes a lot of time but i do not have much choice at the moment.
I hope that you will get well very soon to!
Ummmmm
4yrs now with a narcissistic. A piece of my soul leaves everyday I don’t even recognize myself anymore. 😌
OMG I'm sitting here in tears because you are describing every emotional feeling that I have in my marriage. I never knew what a sociopath or a narcissist was before I married him. This has been an emotional, mental and physical roller coaster. I thought it was Me. I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. Thank you for putting things into perspective.
Are you ok now?
It was like a total suffocation of self. I was breaking down in tears almost daily and he used that to justify calling me crazy to my family members behind my back. It was a nightmare. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore and just grabbed my dog, a few belongings, and left. I haven’t seen him since and I have not once regretted it. The freedom and peace are so worth it. And I can’t remember the last time I cried like that or felt helpless. Wishing peace for anyone currently going through this.
👍👍👍❤️
Suffocating is the best way to describe those people. They are parasites.
I needed to read this. Thank you for posting this comment!
@@amandafrederick9 It gets better ❤️ Wishing you peace and healing for whatever you are going through.
its so crazy.
recognized it this year. recognized that my entire life i’ve been emotionally abused by my mother and it’s contributed to my depression and anxiety. i never even knew emotional abuse was a thing. but now, i’ve started planning on ways to remove myself. first - by not having to rely on her for anything at all.
I’m just over 5 years in. I am emotionally abused EVERY Day. It’s affecting my physical health. I can’t breath. I’ve been isolated with this guy for years. I just want out. I don’t want to die here, but he is killing me. I’ve lost hope of getting out of here. The pain is more than I can bare.
Hi Darcie and welcome to the channel. Have you started working on a way out? Is there a way you can get other systems involved? In my area our doctors as standard questions about abuse to try and prompt the conversation. Maybe you can go to urgent care and see if they can route you to appropriate services. Please don’t loose hope because there is always hope for a better future. Do you have children with him? Is there any family or friends you could escape to? -Duane
I know the pain you're in. Hurts so much but try to pick one leg up and stand. I just moved one leg. We have to get out of this hell
Did u ever get out
You are amazing,brave person!!!
I'm telling you you can get away there is Hope whether its a women shelter or someone that knows you that don't him. This is what I did I will in the process of getting my belongings with cops around and then will move to different location with my kids and I. Enough is enough when he said I will hurt you or kill you I take this serious.I don't want to one day end up hurt bad or dead.
I highly encourage you to get away from this man ASAP.
For your well being physically,mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
You got this!!
Where are you now? Bb, I wish the best for you.
This is exactly what I'm going through. Last night was very hard, and I was trying to hang on minute by minute. I know this is temporary, but this "temporary " feels never ending. Right now I can't see a future.
Helena it really is *temporary* but I hear you it did feel like it was never going to end and that I was never going to get any relief from it. When I was going through it I didn't have anyone who understood - and as a result I didn't understand it either. I've talked about the minute by minute times that i went through myself so just know that you will get through this. You might just have to take a break - get some sleep - just do something to get you to the next day. When you are at the stage you are at right now don't think about the future just took at what is going on today - if you think that you don't have a future it can be daunting. But - please remember I was there too - I was at that same spot you are at now and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to make it through it. I'm here now years later doing pretty good. I'm no different than you - it may seem like it right now - in this moment - but I'm telling you I didn't believe it. If all of this gets too much to bear please seek help, reach out to a professional because it just is't worth it to allow the other person to destroy and break you. Check out my video *Having Bad Days* (ruclips.net/video/SNG6o8OBllc/видео.html) and *When You Feel Like Giving Up* (ruclips.net/video/dBzaPLacGbY/видео.html). I hope this helps and I hope you realize you are not alone in the abuse you've been through and there really is like after the pain. -Duane
Helena Fernandez Hope everything went well for you. So sorry you had to go through this. will you be willing to share to educate our community? Things are getting very hard.
So relatable!! I hope you're okay now Helena and is in a better space?🙏🏽
I feel you
Me too
Yes, I have wished I was dead when I was a kid! My mother is a narcissist. I dealt with depression growing up and had severe panic attacks while in college among other health problems and sometimes I wonder if my mom tried to poison me. I mean literally with poison. I vommitted and couldn't keep any food down, nearly died and quit eating for 1 entire month.- Who knows, but she is very, very evil and she tried to have me committed to a mental institution. I recently started wishing I was dead again being married to my narc husband, who puts so much pressure on me, but now I have the online tools to put labels on what I am going through with my husband and my mom. It is something that you really have to realize isn't your fault because it is so damaging. It's funny how narcs spot other narcs right away and my husband calls my mom Satan, never mind how he treats me! It is crazy how we minimize what we have actually endured with our loved ones. But I'm over it!!!!!! Now I shake it off like Taylor Swift in her song. The fakers gonna fake, fake fake fake fake, but I'm just gonna shake shake shake shake shake it off! LOL!
Roxann Huffman I'm sorry to read all you've been through, sadly... I relate to all of it very much. Eventually you grow a kind of armor when you understand them more and are able to see exactly what's behind it. Still is a lot of stuff I wish no one ever had or has to deal with though. It's a tough long process before you get that armor. I'm happy to hear you survived as well!
I admire your resilience, & that you can continue having fun with yourself & life.
My mother is a covert narcissist and she didn't want me to marry my husband because she "had a bad feeling about him". By this point I had learned not to trust her so I didn't listen, but it ends up that it's like you said, where they can spot each other! My husband, I have come to realize, is also a covert narcissist! I also had a "best friend" growing up whom my mother didn't want me to hang out with because she didn't like her, and that "best friend" I ended up realizing was a covert narc as well! Maybe this is thee ONLY thing we can trust narcissist's in huh?! If they don't like someone then maybe make sure to stay away from that person as well!!
I feel your story very similar to mine I think my mom tries to poison me too!
@@avahuntergalvan
So aorry about this. For short millisecond it makes me feel netter to realize that it is the demon in my mom that makes her so it. No human is capable of that much high level of hatred.
The worst thing about this abuse is how you start to hear your abusers in your head after awhile. I hear my siblings and mom in my head constantly criticizing me. I don't know what to do.
I like how you keep saying"temporary". That really is very true.
This has been so enlightening. Thank you!
Temporary doesn't resonate in my life. Had the same relationship with my father and have been married for 21 years. I have tried changing thought patterns but it isn't easily done when you are treated like a misbehaving pet.
I was anxious of the future, too. I'd wake up 2-6 times a night with nocturnal panic attacks. Bolting upright in bed, heart racing, couldn't breathe, clutching my chest and gasping for air.
That jerk would just continue sleeping. 🤦🏻♀️
Out almost 4 years and soooooo happy!!!!!!!!! Remarried to an amazing man who has helped me heal from so much abuse: psychological, emotional, physical, sexual, financial and spiritual.
Praise God!!!!
...so much wasted hope, devaluation of 'self', neglect, manipulationship, all that energy invested in trying to make things work, keep a family together, pumped and dumped, ....cognitive dissonance, lalaland, nothing makes sense until you understand and educate yourself, and then learn to see the final discard as a liberation, and little by little the colours come back into your life, and the present is calmer, etc. Its a long journey, but we only have one life.
Greetings Duane.
Robert Harvey What a wonderful word - liberation!!!
Well it's a different perspective....but it's truthful.
Robert Harvey Manipulationship - sums it up perfectly!
Yeah it is liberating it just doesn't feel like it at the time but honestly Robert it is the single best gift they can give us - that discard is the first step of opening our eyes and starting to get our power and lives back! -Duane
I could have written that myself...word for word.
Funny, as soon as I went to therapy and held him accountable for being abusive to me he figured that his mind game was over and he walked away to the arms of a co-worker after an abusive 7 year relationship. Its like he smelled that I was waking up and his time was running low. Now I don't deal with abuse directly but I suffer so much co-parenting and sharing the kids which are 4 and 7 years old. I suffer to see him being so obsessive with kids when they used to bother him while living with us. I get on my knees and Pray everyday.
Exactly they can smell you're on to them. That's when the search for new supply begins.
I hope that things are better for you. I got out of a 17 year abusive marriage 2 years ago. I finally walked away and went no contact. She found a new supply within 4 month's. My kids are 18 and 20 so the co parenting is not that bad. Anyway take care. I wrote a comment because for me, it all started in Peru and you are Latina. Maybe it's a Latino-Americano thing? Never know?
Fast and pray ! God says something's only come about by prayer and ( fasting ) !
Oh my god this is what's happening now after I left. I'm out and all of a sudden he is parent of the year! It's difficult.
@@beverlybush5004 Amen. Pray without ceasing.
Thank you for sharing this! As a female psychotherapist, it is so needed for men to step up and share that they too are victims of emotional abuse. Thank you for being a very important voice! Can't wait to see what God has in store for your new life! Best Wishes always!
I stayed 31 years finally got my own place.. planning my escape!!
I'm so happy for you!!
Happy for you inspiring 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 trying to get my own place too
i think this is the most coherent video I've seen on this topic
Thanks for feedback! Hope you are getting your life back!
I was always sacred of the future. You are SO DAMN RIGHT. why do spouses inflict so much pain like as if the other spouse doesn't deserve a normal life. You are a champion since I went through this 100% plus!
Tips for other people-
I started by creating a log of all emotionally smashing n damaging statements I used receive with a date against it on my iPhone. Soon I realized that my frequency of abuse was going up to more than twice per week. Then I called my attorney and said a life of a pig is better than mine and today I am relieved to have my life back! Thanks to God and the strong family code in this country!
Okay maybe it's just that it's late but I nearly fell out of my chair when I read *a life of a pig is better than mine* that was great! Thank you for that I needed that right now. I liked your idea of creating a log to really track what was going on. It's amazing how you can get your life back and you can get your hope back. The simple fact that you can be excited about the unknown where just a short time ago it was just another nightmare. It's amazing more people just don't completely break under the pressure. I'm glad you've been able to escape (or at least start to)! -Duane (Sorry about the delay I've been ill and work taking all my time) -Duane
When you get to a point where you feel numb, day to day emotional exhaustion and the difference between staying or going doesn’t make a difference it’s time to serous leave. Staying isn’t going to change them staying is just going to more damage and drag you further down misery then you’re already at.
Music saved me .. and I'm never going back
Me too Tamara - music is my anchor that keeps me grounded...
Tamara Grubb: Would you say a little more about exactly how music saved you? Thanks so much. And I am glad for you.
Donna A For me it feels like a drug, when I’m going through the worst and I feel nothing music brings back emotion and it stimulates my imagination.
Tamara Grubb So sorry you had to go through this. will you be willing to share to educate our community? Things are getting very hard.
Was there any particular song that gave you hope or allowed you to express your pain? I will tell you a couple of mine: Sailing by Christopher cross is a very sweet old sappy song. I can remember being 10 yrs old and hearing it on the radio. It takes me back to a moment in time when I was so innocent. 46 & 2 Tool finds my pain. Kissing You desiree connects me to lost loved ones.
Music absolutely moves me emotionally to places I could never go alone. It also strikes up clear memories of the past for me the same way that a smell does. Individual and complex sounds actually have a noticeable impact on your mental state. Have you ever heard about the 440 hz vs 432 debate? Its very interesting. There are 2 more things you need besides music to survive this shit show called life. One is comedy and the other is faith.
Emotionally abused for 2+ years. Any time spent away from her was a threat. I got a job and she wouldn't talk too me for 2 months. Did well at said job and was offered a promotion, which I turned down because of her objections. Time with friends and the possibility of making new friends was a threat. My social media was policed by her and every conversation I had with existing friends, she read and criticized. Despite being a trustworthy person, she would accuse me of cheating constantly. Always told me I shared too much with my friends, which only isolated me further. About 9 months ago the verbal abuse turned physical, it only happened once but I should of gotten out there and then. Two weeks ago I got into a car accident while driving to work because of some abusive things she said the night before. When I turned too her for support I didn't hear from her for days. That event was my wake up call. I still can't believe she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most.
Wow, just read all this back to myself and I can't believe I stayed for so long.
This is so true! And they get harder on you as they feel it is over!
Very true Andrea because when that happens we serve no purpose for them anymore and they have to maintain their victim status. When they are getting supply from us they have a vested interest to play the cat and mouse game with us but as soon as that is over it's not as if they are going to just let us walk away. It's a really cruel and painful game that has a dramatic effect on our lives. -Duane
True, after last weekend the wife is sensing something is stirring on my side and switched it up trying to involve the police ! (for absolutely nothing whatsoever).
I'm not buying her accusations anymore when they have nothing to do with me and I'm not trying to end the 'silence treatment' we're in now either (which I always used to do).
Always blaming me, she's the victim, while I just connected the dots finding out it's exactly the other way round.
She's going to get her wake up call soon, I'm drawing the line, but first seeing some professional help on my own to find out what, when, where and how.
For all who have also survived, BRAVO!!! Not easy. Victimized (mainly in the workplace & early schooling) in the past. Not easy to leave, difficult recovery, never got fully over it. But I’m here. I’m happy. I’m blessed. NEVER AGAIN!!!
The optimal way to deal with emotional pain (after going NO CONTACT) is to feel it, because great gems are on the other side of feeling that pain as soon as you arm yourself to the teeth with knowledge about yourself, manipulation&deceit. Be kind, patient and forgiving to yourself during this process! Honour your feelings!!! It's your soul calling for little changes. Thank you for this highly relatable video masterpiece and beautiful comments!🌹
i started to dissociate most of the time..and whenever things go wrong and he starts yelling I completely feel out of my body..and like I can’t hear him anymore...it’s both painful and protective one day it will end🥺💔💔
I thought I was the problem and was going crazy, this video helped me so much to stop blaming myself. Thank you!
Glad it was helpful Megan! Validation is really VERY important in the early days because you feel like you are living in upside down world or the twilight zone...
Much love to my neighbors dealing with emotional abuse, you guys are always in my prayers ❤️
Daily putdowns in the form of me being expected to listen to him complain and feel sorry for himself but if I opened my mouth about ME, all he said was "yeah", every single time. Then it was back to him. At the end when I said something, he said "Why does it always have to be a competition?" I was like "what?" How could it be a competition when it was just about him every day, all the time? I had finally said something about how I felt at the end and then it was "always a competition". I was literally horrified when my eyes finally opened about what he actually was.
Get out...sooner the better. He does not love you.....he’s using you for his own purposes. Poison
I'm in the same boat. Just got out yesterday after years of abuse. Can't believe I'm going through this again. They don't love, they use. We were used.
Most accurate description of my life I’ve ever heard
Sorry you're going through this Michelle - but I hope this video and the others help you see a pathway (or at least the potential) to a better life!
Mine too Michelle, are you working on your plan?
As someone who's suffered from generational trauma I can affirm that the first half of the video gave a very accurate summary of how I felt the past decade. It always felt as though I was the problem, that everything I felt, did, said or didn't feel, do, say was wrong or not good enough. That I was flawed by design. That everything I did was never going to be enough. I was never suicidal or abused substances but because I had no support from anyone I always wondered if everyone's lives would be better off if I simply wasn't there anymore. The worst part is when most of your family refuses to see from your point of view, how quick they are to wave off your experiences, or how your own abuser actively denies the abuse they did and proceeds to gaslight you by trying to insinuate you're projecting other past abuse that you've endured but they hadn't committed onto them. It's awful when your own family, the ones supposed to help and support you, are generally apathetic towards you. There are times I often wonder if I let that come to be or if everything was broken from the start.
It is NOT your fault! There is NO excuse for abuse, ESPECIALLY from family members.
I had to learn this in the hard way: Family is about LOVE not about blood.
Abusers trying to bring you down because they are afraid of your potential. They are weak, you are strong!
Listen to your gut feeling, trust yourself! If deep down you feel that something is wrong then it IS!
Stay strong! You are worth it!
wow! thanks so much. It seems like only those that have experienced this type of abuse can really understand what I've been through. Many people are supportive and encouraging, but they just don't get it. Thanks for your transparency and willingness to share.
Hi kidzdaddy and welcome to the channel. Yes, you are very correct, if someone hasn't experienced this they have no frame of reference to really understand and as a result just aren't very helpful when trying to get through this. It would be in your best interest to guard what you do share with them so they don't get confused. It's hard because good people will want to help and they will try their best and they might even try to *push* you do "get over it" because they really do want you to feel better and they just don't understand why you are so stuck. You are very welcome - I have felt pulled to do this to try and help people - to offer a lifeline that I just didn't have when I was going through it. -Duane
Hard to realize its only a temporary situation, when your in they eye of the storm(Courts,Custody, smear campaigns,flying mommy's etc) Just know there is daylight on those dark stormy days. Go no contact & stay clear of the toxic. When you smile & feel good about yourself. that's the true Narc killer. These are rotten miserable people, who will steal the joy out of life if you let them. Stay Strong & Thanks Duane for speaking on this topic!!
Yeah Dan it really is hard - especially during the earlier stages when it seems like the family court system is biased against you and coming after everything and people who you thought were "friends" are *turning against you*. I really hope that someone going through this and feeling lost can see this video and have *some hope* that they can get through this or at least to keep working at it to have a life out from under this nightmare. I hope you are doing better Dan and I hope you are smiling and projecting good feelings and taking down those narcs! -Duane
Yes Dan, but also show "that since She's dumped you, youre doing just Great"
When the narc strips you of Everything you have it feels like your whole adult Life is gone and I quite simply felt like a 14yr old with no real ´self Reliance to the adult World, hormone imbalance, insecurities,cptsd, etc etc looking out on the World. If you have a narc parent these feelings may well continue and youi pretty much have to fight your way out of them in a mental way as you did when you were a kid.In fact any attention, compliment etc was like a drug and every criticism or set back a hammer blow to the head. From this Point it is quite easy to see how you can be fooled by a new narc who future fakes a calm and prosperous future. This cycle of the narc being the abuser directly or indirectly and then standing in front of you with the solution is one of their biggest manipulation games. The solution is of course future faked and masked with abuse aswell and they regularly use this to manipulate the Children. Good video Duane!
you remind me so much of my dad..... he went through hell to bring up me and my sister....
Hi Anna - I'm not sure if you've mentioned it before - but I hope your father was able to get through the hell and have a good life afterward. I know sometimes that just isn't the case - but that truly is my hope. I hope you and your sister are doing well too! I appreciate you taking the time comment - maybe one day I'll be at 24k subs! But your channel makes me hungry!!! -Duane
My mother was like this with my dad, then i ended up getting with a man that was narcissistic for 11 years. I literally fled from him in California and moved back to Georgia where I'm from. He ended up getting primary custody of our kids even though he had been very abusive to all of us. Still praying and know i need a miracle. I have a wonderful husband now that really loves me and my kids.
Spot on. Everything you discussed is what I lived, thought, dealt with…and left. It is horribly damaging but knowledge is strength!
It really is and it can make ALL the difference in being able to start to turn the corner on these experiences...
Yes 100% .... it’s exhausting. They are trying to erase your consciousness and identity.
I have had suicide ideation.... and thinking of my kids doesn’t let me go there.
I feel like I am living in a house of cards, constantly anxious.
Garima, if you can try to find a skilled therapist who can really help you through all of this. All of those thoughts and feelings are so common and symptomatic of this type of abuse - you don't have to go it alone and there are skilled therapists that can really help. I would never thought I would ever be saying that myself but mine truly helped me.
I realized I had been abused for 18 years after a few months of subscribing to psychology pages on social media. I confronted my parents and it took them 2 years to accept and acknowledge their abusive behavior which has been acting up recently. Especially after I started telling them the truth about how I felt. I considered moving out last week and I prayed to God that he would give me a way out if it was in his will. That night, I challenged myself to go to bible study and the roommate of a leader told the group that she was going to to move to Florida. I was astonished and asked questions after the bible study was done. I have a chance to get out of life under constant emotional abuse but the transition is going to be mysterious. Because I don't know if my leader's roommate is going to move out for sure. So, I pray, read the bible, fast, and get fellowship to cope with my temporary situation.
I think that intiallly I didn't love myself, this is how the monsters found & knew me. The narc, reflected myself to myself, & following the example & seeing how worthy of love I was, the dopamine released. Love thyself, be worthy of your own love, do your best as often as possible, be single faced - brutally honest, singular with your authenticity, no hiding, be free
My train wreck involved three DUI’s. A divorce. A ten year toxic relationship. However, the third DUI broke me for the better. Broke down 100%. Was forced to move one state away, to start from the bottom and build from the bottom upwards. The low self worth, anxiety, feeling like the black sheep in all my relationships, addictions, struggles after struggles. Di-Electic Behavior Therapy was a great form of therapy. I am left with a strange inner self that doesn’t enjoy much at all, except for going back to bed.
Wow this is bang on. I just moved my kids and I out after 20 years. It's so hard but I couldn't keep going on and did not want it for my kids anymore
I keep hearing his voice undermining my confidence and competence and scaring me with doubts that I'm doing the right thing. Now I'm trying to rebuild all the financial damage on my own. It's like I've been walking a tight rope with my kids and work on the ends of the pole I carry while he yells praises yells is loving criticizes compliments back and forth
Wow!!!! That last sentence you wrote describes my husband to a T
I was never emotionally abused in relationships. I was emotionally abused by my former step-mom. Every time I made a mistake while helping her with foster dogs, she would just blow up at me in anger, and it was too painful for me to go through. She would also devalue me, and she wouldn't validate my feelings. She would just tell me that I'm being too sensitive. But all feelings are valid, whether a person is sensitive or not. So with her, I've gone no contact. She's not allowed in my life because her behavior is toxic.
My little sister is emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive to my whole family. She has ripped the entire family apart. She threatens, manipulates and gaslights us everyday. Yet when I tell someone outside the family about it, they think they know better... "I'd like to hear her side of the story." People never ever detect real abuse because real abuse is ugly and manipulative and a pain in the ass to talk about, let alone deal with. People who haven't experienced it just don't get it. It's a constant pressure with no relief. I feel like a never-ending ticking time bomb living with this person; she always tries to get a reaction out of us. It makes other problems in your life that much harder to deal with.
no, people don't get it because we're socially taught that women are victims and men abusers. Almost 100 years of mass media stories portraying women as innocent creatures that have to put up with male tiranny did their part well.
SUCH a great video...thank you for having the confidence to tell the truth & put this out there for us. A *real* hero 👍
Thank you Aida you are very welcome and I truly appreciate the support! -Duane
Aida Tumucha ur right this is what a real brave man looks like a true heroe I was soooo ashamed 4 so long I still am but greatful 4 people like this and all the resources we have
thank you for making a video about this sort of things , so many people dont care when it comes to emotional abuse not knowing it’s honestly worse than the physical abuse (at least to me )
It's worse... physical abuse daily equals murder...
Mental, psychological, emotional, need to humiliate and isolate, lying behind your back, ruining your reputation... daily. That is murder of the soul. They killed you. You have to generate a new soul... that's why you feel like not safe around humans anymore because your new soul is young and has to re learn what it means to be healthy and safe again. Give yourself grace and time to heal... it's a journey not a destination. Much love. Tina Rix, LMFT. I'm a survivor of such abuse and I specialize in this area of work in my clinical practice. 17 years in the mental health field. God bless you and happy new year. 💗
I suffered from harrowing and cruel mental, emotional, verbal abuse for a year. I was stalked, fake reports so cops came to my door putting me handcuffs, harassment, death threats until they took their own life in a violent way. Now his family exalts him like he is an angel as they grieve their loss. 3 months later I am trying to pick up the pieces of the post abuse effects and working on healing from this type of trauma. It was NPD until I believe a narc collapse along with comorbidity traits. I have never suffered so much in my life, especially after his death. It’s like I’m not allowed to grieve my own abuse but I will heal nd I will see this for what it was. It’s not worth staying another minute with abusers. I hope if you’re being abused, please seek help. You re worth every second. You are a gift.
I already struggle with mental illness, but since we’ve been married I have declined. It’s baby steps but while I struggling to not be self destructive, I’m doing slightly better at self care lately. I reach out to my friends, I’m honest with them, and luckily they believe me. I have screwed up a lot of things due to my anger/hurt through this and I m trying to be less reactive, too.
Yours is the first video I’ve come across that nails it. He refuses to communicate, only blames. He makes me feel like I’m less than. I guess it hit me when he had gone on a trip someplace and after a day or so, I felt like myself again. I have health issues and can’t work, and I need to try to find a way to solve this. I can’t keep doing this. Thank you for being here and for sharing your story.
Did you find a way out, Jen?
Love and light to you Jen, I hope you made it out.
🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾😢 I hope you got out any update ?
Your self awareness, openness, vulnerability, compassion and willingness to share is most appreciated and spot on! I found myself in a bad marriage in my mid 20's with a tag team duo of mother-in-law and son narcissists. I suffered for 9 years before having enough and moved out of state to start over. It took years to recover! I thought narcissists were only family members and that they unleashed their brand of crazy only on those closest to them. I am shocked to experience them in the work place as well now!
God I hear you on that one Aniko! They really show up in all areas of our lives. The one situations are pretty bad too because you can feel equally trapped in those situations. I hope you've been able to keep that at bay and minimize their impact. I think we tend to think of them as "workplace bullies" but they really are just narcissists playing the same games that they can get away with.
Prickly Pear,your lovely smile can make the news!
They sure r in the work place. Wen there's more than 1, it's a big challenge. They r very insecure people, constantly competing, controlling, n puttin the knife in wen they can, jealousy is a trait n having to b lording it over u. Not a nice working enviroment. Made me sick.
Great video Duane. Snap, snap, snap on so many of your comments here. You know, we must be strong people to have got through this! I think back on awful,awful days....commanding superwoman tasks to try to fill the emptiness inside...sad to admit now how childlike I became striving to get some acknowledgment that I 'existed' in his world. I'm so angry with myself now that I let someone treat me so badly. We need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and like the L'oreal ad, say 'We're worth it'!!!!...... Worth so much more than to be propping up a parasite. Thanks so much for your great vids, Duane.x
That is a really good point Grace about how we strive to be recognized by the other person. I also can relate to the anger but it will subside over time - it took me a long while before I realized I just couldn't keep the anger going because it was slowly killing me in other ways. -Duane
We shouldn't feel bad of our selves-if we can… :)
Grace...I find myself childlike too!! In matters of the heart ...We are children! And our hearts were broken....Over and over! The child in us that was NEVER loved, accepted or appreciated for WHO we are...And sadistically abused as well in the most twisted and calculated manner as we know it to be! While we were silently screaming LOVE ME...FOR WHO I AM!! Also. it matters at what age we were first BROKEN!! Core Injury! We may stay in that age or close to it...For life!! Some abused people will even come across infantile!!! And landed in a Psychotic breakdown really young and MISDIAGNOSED because NO ONE knew about the ABUSE!! Remember "Erickson's Stages of Development" Trust vs. Distrust.....Dependence vs Autonomy..WE missed those and it became our whole lives!! Till we found Narcissistic ABUSE and this channel and more!
Grace McLoughlin... like I chasing my tail, for 6 years, with no hope of ever catching it. It's still pretty fresh: 5 months since I left, & 3 months no contact. I get so angry at myself, for having been fooled, so completely. I thought I was smart hahaha if only intelligence had anything to do with it...The most difficult thing for me, so far, has been to not look at everyone through shit smeared glasses, so I'm not suspicious. I'm very lucky, in that the people around me witnessed his shit show 1st hand.
This is where i am now. I have a nervous stomach ALL the tlme, kind of like a kid who has to confess that i stole something. It is awful. My husband is so mean.
Have you gotten help Kristi? I'm here now too. It's been 4 years for me but I'm finally at the point where I'm aware I deserve to be happy.
Its not even about my ex anymore, who I left as soon as devaluation started. Its cptsd from growing up in a narcissistic home. Although I am now far removed from that, I still wake up with that tape playing in my head and my emotions are that as if I'm still there. This is a hard, hard thing to shake. I don't want to live like this anymore, so I try to get better everyday. Some days are better than others. I don't know exactly what the triggers are yet, but I am going to find out. This is a process
Bmb6 that is the really horrible part about CPTSD - you just can't quite figure out what the trigger really is. At least you know what you're dealing with and you know there is something else going on - so *hopefully* you can catch yourself when it starts to happen. It's sad because even if you get the other person out you have this lingering pre-programmed emotional abuse running around in your head. Ever new day is a day closer to getting this under control! -Duane
I'm living with two parents who appear to be engaging in some form of emotional abuse towards me. This drove me to depression, anxiety, and an explosive temper. They are very controlling, and make me act like I'm insane. I am absolutely desperate to get out. I've figured out awhile ago that they are being abusive. I used to be aware of the constant emotional drama and turmoil they were causing, and then I became so depressed that I stopped being aware and took all the blame on myself. Just this morning and after my mom did something really loudly and violently this morning, as she often does to wake us up earlier than we are awake, I checked in with my internal state and realized I am in a constant state of emotional upset from them. I have a job which is not good for me, so I plan to get another in between job to move out permanently.
I hope you can get out of that situation Alex. It's so tough nowadays to be able to move out.
Thank you SO very much for making this video. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around how things are with my boyfriend and you completely explained it. It’s almost exactly what I’m dealing with every day. I’m stuck here because of finances but I’m trying to take steps to escape this nightmare. Had a horrible night tonight where he was verbally and emotionally abusive and even threw in a threat to slap me. This lead me here and I honestly am so grateful for the articulate way you explained things. Big help.
I like how you said “when you recognized your emotional abuse and when it just popped out” because that’s exactly what happened to me! I can’t honestly say I remember when I realized it, it was just like it popped out (just like you said) and honestly I believe it was when Donald Trump became the president and everyone started talking about narcissistic abuse/narcissism and I started looking it up and I realized I was full-blown in the midst of this type of situation! I’m almost ready to walk! 🙏🏽
Dude this inspired me SO much!
Learning to be my “own strong” is the most difficult thing Iv ever known.
Thank you for all the transparency.
Hi Laura, yeah I've found it amazing how the "simple" and most profound answers are so difficult to learn and accept... God if we just could have realized this sooner! Well, I suppose in that case though we would have had "boring" lives! hang in there!
I spent 18 years living a life that knew no peace. Not at home, not at school. Slowly you fade and slowly you feel like it isn’t worth fighting any longer. I survived because of my boyfriend I say it now I’ll say it forever, if he had not told me I was worthy of better I would have slipped away and died with out never knowing what love was. I thank him constantly, he’s a goober he never realizes how much he’s done for me. I can’t help but laugh when he apologizes for not being talkative enough or not being more open. I don’t care, he’s done so much for me I will never see him as anything but perfect. Even if he dumps me I know I’m my very soul that I will never regret knowing him. I love him and I always will, whether that’s as a lover or a friend I will forever be there beside him cheering him on
I always just thought my mom was too strict and controlling, I always knew she loved me so I fixed her. It took like 2 years and things are better but I was extremely depressed and I didn’t even realise until a month ago that it was emotional abuse and it’s what caused my mental health being so bad. I still tiptoe around her so she wont get angry at me, because I could never predict what was going to set her off. I could be doing something I thought was completely normal and she would freak out at me. I’m always scared to go out with my friends and such because I don’t want her to see me leave and ask where I’m going and get mad at me. It was pure torture and I just can’t move on.
Just now starting to listen to your talk. Immediately my thought was how shocking it was, every time my narc said or did something. In my head, I would wonder what is wrong with him that he would say or do such a thing. It certainly progressed as the years passed and until one day I could not take it anymore. After 20 years and 5 kids, I couldn't take it anymore, there was no turning back at that point, no more chances for him. It took me 18 years, post divorce before discovering narcissism and realizing this was what was wrong with him. In everyway he fit into all I was learning about the covert narc.
You are so right about making bad decisions because of the abuse. That is what happened to me, which led to an affair, which caused even more damage to me. It took at least 7 years after the divorce before I started understanding that I needed healing and sought it out. Healing is never done, it is ongoing. The peace of being out of that and finding peace with being alone, is the best choice you can make for yourself. I am now about 30 years out of that marriage. When others come into my home they stand at my door for a minute and look around and feel the peace and comment on it. This happens with family and people who don't really know me. Getting into yourself and finding out who and what you are, takes time. Don't get discouraged.
It’s so amazing once you find peace and embrace it. I’m happy for you that you finally found it!
So good to hear this - this sort of abuse can also happen at work & you feel trapped in that situation. Yes it’s true that everyone deserves to be happy or to at.least try to be happy, rather than just stay in something that’s making you miserable.
I didn’t know what was happening in my marriage. I felt so crazy, not good enough and lost who I was. Started drinking heavily and became alcoholic and then God delivered me from that. I quit drinking, started getting better and my eyes were opened and I looked into narcissism because someone told me he sounded like a narcissist. Wow, what I found was shocking but I was somewhat still in denial because he told me everything was always my fault. It was stuck in my head becasue I did act out, I did do some things I really shouldn’t have to hurt him. After a couple years of sobriety and he continued to drink and told me I changed and out marriage problems were all my fault I decided to finally get enough money saved up to leave. It’s been tough now living a year out but still going through the divorce. Everyday I get more and more clear. I Thank God for helping me through everyday.
"Overwhelming, oppressive, don't know where it's coming from, no matter what you do doesn't solve anything..." yes....
"I'm so lucky to be with this person...." yes....
"Feeling like a failure..." yes...
"Taking responsibility for everything.... " yes
"Afraid of a future without her...." yes
"Worst decision to leave her, destroy relationship, regret it... " yes
"Go off on my boss... " yes...
"Seriously damaging.... " yes...
I'm trying to get out of it... I'm almost free... I'm so lucky that she is still abusive now, it's pushing me away... if she was a little bit nice I'd probably forgive her and go back...
I need to remember... I can't forget.
What a well-spoken and thoughtful video. The feelings you describe make me feel like you've lived my life. When you said it was hard for you to see a future, that really hit me. "Tomorrow scared me." That's exactly where I am right now. I feel like I'm living waiting for the other shoe to drop, or for a needle to poke a balloon, a sort of... state of (seemingly) eternal dread and vigilance. Thank you for so clearly describing not only the experience of living like this, but also a timeline. Hearing you say that it's temporary, that you deserve happiness, it's such a relief. It's confusing and hard, but maybe I can make it. I haven't felt like that in my adult memory. Thanks again.
This is so amazing! You're basically describing my situation right now. The process, the thinking and planning that is happening, being on the fence, trying to decide what to do without making rash decisions etc....wow what a breath of fresh air to hear.
When I encounter toxic people, reminding me of my past with narcs, I find some yoga music and listen to the soothing vibrations, and/or I do a relaxing yoga DVD or meditation to clear my mind. I find that you have to immediately counter negativity with tranquility and calmness, not with pretend positivity nor with obsessing over the narcs.
👏🏻👏🏻
What do you mean by that exactly though? Just relaxing? Lol I'm going through the same thing so I'm curious
I was under emotional abuse by my family, they were not concious about it or maybe they just pretended, but I was at a very low point (constant axiety and deep depression) and the only thing that helped me was to leave and hope that I will recover, and guess what, after one month of living apart and very limited contact I feel that my condition is slowly getting better, thank god I made that decision and also thank you Duane for your videos. -Vlad
Thank you for this. Put a lump in my throat how close to home this was. I started realising it a long time before I finally left. Firstly, there is never any remorse, never any applogies and whenever you approach that other person witn an issue, they become extremely predictable in that you know that no matter how right your view is, the other person will always come back with a rebuttle with extreme conviction. In the end, I started saying to him, this is not courthouse and you’re not your own defence attorney, this is a relationship and ego and winning has nothing to do with it. But he never cared about hurting me, only about himself so that didn’t help. If u feel like your psrtner always look at you as the enemy no matter what you do, but he may even fight to death for others, that is a clear sign that this person is not correct.
Thank god I found your channel, great advice and so spot on, keep it up and remember, never give up.
I'm nearly 4 months out of the relationship. I've been through 2 quarantines and my friends didn't really support me because they expected me to get out of it a lot earlier. But I'm standing strong and congratulating myself, meditating, exercising everyday, trying to cut down on the substance that I initially used to evade myself... Please do this for yourself, even if no one is giving you the credit, give it to yourself, you know how strong you are and what a huge accomplishment it is to get out of a situation like this
"I am going through divorce, child custody based resulting from accusations from abuse made by myself. I am on day 3 of being apart from our daughter who is age 3 in October. I have not had 1 day apart from her until now. I have found strength in your videos dealing with constant emotional abuse from my husband. Before we had our daughter, my husband never got a job and belittled me every day of my self worth. Would discourage me from getting a job but then tell me to get one, and also not pay for expenses, like basic food, unless we went out for food, all the while, I was also extremely upset that we had no money (or so he made me think) to go out to dinner. I was set on our future to have a family and I would ask him to just buy groceries to make meals from home to eat together. 2 years later, We we're blessed with a child that I had been praying for and dreaming about. My husband was not supportive and stated he did not want her. I immediately started online selling again to begin preparing myself for her arrival. I did everything. My husband was not supportive in even driving me to appointments, or joining me at appointments. He would leave the car without gas. Or intentionally run late, etc. He had no job our entire marriage until I was a month into my pregnancy. 4 months into my pregnancy, he called me Fat. He did this all the time before, as well. He is obsessed with self image. I've been thin all my life and at 4 months pregnant, I was 6'0", 134lbs and 12% body fat. After my husband made me get on a electronic scale, and he told me it was safe while pregnant, and I did not feel comfortable in doing so. Later when his manager arrives, be said, NO do not do that again. It's not recommended to do while pregnant. My husband even made me join a kickboxing class at his gym. I told him I'm pregnant, that's not something I want to do and he would yell at me for not making time in my life for exercise he thought I should be doing. I attended the class to please him and told the instructor that I was pregnant but to just make sure im only doing not more than I should and without contact. I told him that my husband insisted I do the class regardless of my pregnancy.
This was just the beginning of our relationship with our daughter. By 8 months pregnant, we finally moved to a safe home and he took a job in China. He flew back for her birth.......with me begging him to. And left again a week later. Leaving his mom who doesn't speak English with me for help. This happened multiple times a year where without my knowledge, his parents would come and help with our daughter and over-stay while my husband worked in China. He was gone from the home a solid 9 months+ and would return home and basically ignore us. My husband is a pathological narcissist. Am finding my own truths and awareness in your videos. Although I have later found out the DSD is with Dad, I have found that I don't feel like your messages are biast against gender. I wish you offered one-on-one life empowerment. I'm trying to do as much DV counseling as I can right now. It's hard times. I go to court again 7/2. I'm trying my best to prepare for this. I will watch every single video of yours before this. Thank you"
Just to clarify. The difference between the one who is abused and the abuser is the abused one is making every effort to be a better person. Their search history is full of "How can I be a better communicator?" or they have a history of going to counseling. The abuser usually refuses to go to counseling, doesn't change their behavior pattern or the change is very minimal and slow rolling. The abused is usually the one who changed drastically for the better. That might not be true across the board. It's just been my anecdotal assessment.
The clarification is important because abusers usually whittle their victims down until their victims lose their cool. Then the abuser uses that against the abused as "proof". Then the abuser bemoans victim often getting people to follow them and their "story".
It's incredibly difficult for abuse victims.
I feel like I wasted 20 years of my life, now that I look back, I wonder why I wasn't strong enough to break away.
20 years but not 40 years, you still have many years of joy ahead that will be very worth it!
"Sold" I'm in
@@AliValentine143 AMEN
It s NOT your fault! They do not owe you therefor it is NEVER too late to start your life! True happiness is in the moments!
"Intertwined with the appearance of being ok..." It just hurts so much, because it's true and so hard to understand why you are constantly in the loop of hope that someday it'll stop and stay ok.
I didn't realize emotional abuse naturally on my own. I only recognized I felt guilty, weird and wrong for feeling hurt. Something felt so painful, but I didn't know why.......When I felt hurt, I tried to discuss it politely and calmly, but....BUT .... I was constantly reminded that I was wrong/guilty/selfish/entitled/ needy/ controlling/too sensitive/too crazy/etc. for feeling hurt. And every time I was left baffled. I felt hurt and I was accused every time for even bringing it up. I took the bait of accusations without realizing they were false. The only time I realized that the accusations were false was only after I started reading online about examples of gaslighting, blame-shifting, hot-cold or push-pull behaviors, silent treatments and other emotional abuse in general. Only after learning about that (thanks to youtube videos!), I could see that clearly. Once I could recognize the gaslighting and pathological lies, I stopped feeling guilty for feeling hurt. I let myself cry for about one year in the bathroom and eventually I processed my hurt feelings and let them out. I got to the point where I didn't feel hurt anymore. I just felt pity for my boyfriend, whose behaviors nicely matched covered narcissism descriptions. Today I can only feel sorry that he does not know what it is like to care for someone else's feelings, I feel sorry that he does not know what it feels like to be authentic self without fear of what society thinks.....Indeed, he can never know the happiness of genuine being and the happiness of sharing one's feelings with someone else.....The only good thing is that at least he never gets hurt because exploiting others does not really hurt that much.
Oh well.... I am not ashamed for allowing myself to love the wrong person. It was my mistake and I forgave myself for it. That experience led me to so much more knowledge about manipulation that it opened my eyes in many other areas in my life. I noticed toxic people in other places, where I would never recognize them before I had learned about manipulation techniques and guilt-tripping tactics. So, the nightmarish experience with a covert narc was a good thing after all because it made so much more aware of toxic people around me. Today I have the needed knowledge and power to quickly filter the wrong people out of my life.
I just left a 7 year abusive relationship. I knew I had to leave when I was suicidal and even wishing death upon him. Unhealthy thoughts. It's uncanny how he's described how I felt so precisely. I'm literally on youtube watching videos so I do not fall for his manipulations & lies. Thank you DSD, thank you!
The crumbs of “okay-ness”, I can’t stop snatching at them. For me it’s my parents not a romantic relationship gone south. This is how I grew up, and I can’t wait to never look back
Thanks you very much. This was not only a validating and calming video but filled with wisdom for practical, mindful steps to begin a plan for making things better for self. We who've survived or are still enduring covert narcissistic abuse have spent so many thousands of hours walking on eggshells and serving the other person that we can very much lose sense of self and things we once enjoyed. I knew I was really far gone when I stopped little things I' have always done for me like always having a meticulous pedicure, manicure, and just excellent self -care. I always felt not good enough. I also stopped attending my church and group which I absolutely love. I didn't at all feel like me and I wanted me back desperately. I knew that this would take effort, faith , ,and time. One of the reasons I stopped was because I was known for always being naturally bubbly and joyful. My sadness was really showing up on my face. I looked older and super sad. ( I'm still living in the same home with my abuser but my face is markedly lifted because I'm eating healthy, working out, and not focusing on the validation of my husband. I'm loving me and doing nice things for me again. I truly didn't feel like it in the beginning. I promise, it's worth it. Whatever that means to you, do it. Journal, write, pray, write your prayers, whatever. Just suggestions and things which helped me greatly ) I am extremely spiritual. You'd be surprised as to how much the Bible has to say about narcissism and emotional abuse. I began forcing myself to pamper me in some form daily even though I didn't even feel like doing it. The fact is that self -loathing can insidiously creep in because you have not only been treated as not good enough, but because you haven't been living by your own morals, values, standards,as well and especially because you have allowed someone to crash over and step on your boundaries and heart. This is extraordinarily confusing to the identity and sense of self. It's not you, at least not the real you. Returning to healthy self -love and even serving outside of the home has been of great help to me as I make plans to live my best life and what I believe I was placed upon this earth to do. I believe that God wants me happy, whole, healthy, blessed, and especially living my best life without compromising any healthy boundaries. I believe this for everyone. I pray for and bless all enduring and surviving this. I believe that mine and your best life is around the corner. God didn't do this, but will use it to catapult you to a wonderful life. Wisdom and discernment in natters of relationship and choosing wisely will be greatly sharpened.
GREAT VIDEO MESSAGE. TRULY A POSITIVE AND ENCOURAGING MESSAGE!
Blessings!
Watching this video helped me a lot.
Hi Celeste! Glad the video helped but sorry you're going through this.
Me too, I've watched twice a day all week.
You are saving lives with your work in these podcasts!
It is not only a spouse that causes this type of abuse, parents and siblings are also a source of emotional abuse.
ABSOLUTELY! And I would also say if you end up with an abusive spouse there is probably a good chance that there was also abuse in childhood. When we start to recognize those signs and realize that family is also bringing chaos and drama into our lives we are perfectively justified to setup boundaries to minimize that - and if they are unwilling to adhere to that then they do not have a *right* to have access to you. Doesn't mean you are doing it to punish them - you are giving yourself peace from the chaos! Hope you're doing well Tracey!
@@DSD I`m on SSI disability. My sister won`t stop harassing me and wants to control what I order, what I eat, what I want to do, etc. She can`t stand to see me try to gain any independence or enjoy anything. I`m living in a camper I got with my disability back pay and I`m trying to get prepping tools like solar power which makes her furious. She wants to have control over my electricity, water, food, and my brain.
I have a diagnosis of spinal issues with chronic pain, depression, anxiety, and schizoaffective disorder bipolar type, but she ridicules me and says nothing is wrong with me. She told the mail carrier to not deliver my packages or mail to my home so she can open my packages and harass me. She refused to set up my utilities to be drafted out of my account and keeps causing late fees to limit my income.
She`s breaking all sorts of SSI rules and breaking the law and she`s extremely dishonest and dumb. She drove up with my packages, sardines, powdered milk, a pancake maker, sunglasses, and vitamins along with eggs and food she bought for me and threw it all in my yard. She isn`t supposed to be using my debit card. Nobody but ME is. I can`t go inside stores except rarely because of panic attacks but she`s leaving a paper trail all over town making it look like I`m shopping all the time.
I had to threaten to call the police to get my camper key from her. Now she`s making various threats to "cut me off" if I don`t do what she says which is basically eat one sandwich a day and allow her to control my every thought and action and she has no right to do so legally, but that`s what she`s trying to do apparently, make me have a complete mental breakdown so she can gain complete control of my life. I just want it to stop. She hid my paperwork, ID, medical cards, phone numbers, etc, so I can`t even get state transportation to my doctor visits and pharmacy.
Man I needed this. I have been in a relationship with an abusive woman for 5 years and yesterday I finally reached my limit when she told me that I held her back in life and gave her 2 kids she did not want, 2 kids by the way...if she did not want kids then she should as a woman have taken the responsibility of preventing pregnancy...by the way we planned my 2 beautiful girls. She is always unhappy and always wants to put me down, at some point I realised this woman hates me and there is no saving or making her see what she is doing is causing damage to our family. Anyway I this time around have decided it's time to worry about mine and my girls mental health, security and a healthy living environment. We got separate places in 2020 to try and figure it out and spent only weekends as a family when she and my girls would come but nothing has changed, still the same person and it's time I fight for my kids and me and move on to a healthier life without her.
With me it led to a complete breakdown, was not able to work anymore and hold relashion ships. There should be financial aid that is high enough to help victims out and keep them out of further abuse
I don't know what led me to this video but I needed it, thank you. I was married to an extremely physically and emotionally abusive person for 12 years. I left and it was so hard, I don't have family (they were profoundly abusive and I left home at a young age) and I endured being homeless for a while. Years later I've found myself in another situation that is more subtly abusive. He occasionally cheats and lies, and feels entitled to talk down to me at times, but 90% of the time he is "nice" to me. I am not happy, but god it was just so hard to leave my previous abuser I don't think I could handle that again. I'm isolated and I'm working but not full time due to a chronic illness. So I'm just kind of here enduring it because I'm physically safe, just unhappy. Sometimes I feel suicidal and like it's the only way out that doesn't involve worse suffering.
Thank you for helping me understand
This where I am
Thank you!! I love that a guy that has went through this and talks about it!! Thanks for being brave and doing this!!! They discard you when sick and it’s hard to see until we went on vacy with my parents and being away from him!!! Space is a good way to see how messed up it is and the drama!!! Take steps to get out! I got a job and he sent flowered and a month later divorce papers he knew I wanted out! He was sleeping around and hiding money and our daughter found this all out and then she was suicidal!! I’m out and super happy!! They don’t leave even with restraining orders! He threatened my life and told me he would be eating Thanksgiving dinner with my parents as he worked for my dad’s company’s me had his nose up his ass yet they always talk shit behind people’s backs. They have no loyalty. Vultures all about money, status , and one upping becsue they have no self esteem. It’s sad and we went to therapist 4 times and he would leave every time. He hates therapy. He came back to me then he filed for divorce knowing I wasn’t going to stay 5 years later again and I told him he had a choice! Divorce or seperation but my parents built me a hosue and he and I both grow up and see what happens. He left and was sleeping with his bother in laws little sister whom is 26 and been married 2x and has a child with each man. Guess who got fixed! Lol he hates paying child support and is behind with our kids. These people are all about themsleves and. Sick
The moment I realised I was in a seriously dangerous relationship (and it just clicked) was when I had an object thrown across the room at me and hit me, I broke down crying and told my husband that I was afraid of him..... to that he responded,
“stop being a sook and playing the fucking victim “.
It was in that moment I knew he had no empathy for me, and never would.
He would never understand his damaging actions or how they hurt me, physically and emotionally.
God Keeps me strong when nothing else does 🙏🏼💪🏼
Yeah when I am crying from how he acts he will say stop crying like a baby in front of his kids
Your quote of your husband saying "stop playing the fucking victim" sent shivers down my spine. It's exactly what mine says any time I have a breakdown after enduring a plethora of verbal abuse from him.
@@Chelsey-Cello Get out, or tell him to get help 4 his anger issues. There r reasons y people r so angry, he needs 2get 2 the bottom of his issues n needs help.
@@christinathom5528 She should absolutely get out but as for him. Nope. Abusers don't abuse because they have issues..they abuse because they are ABUSERS. Now, SHE DEFINITELY Needs help and her issue is that she is being victimized and I hope she gets out.
Yes, it's temporary. Don't make a self destructive decision in this situation. The situation looks like it will go on forever, but it won't. You will outlast it.
They want you to be dependent on them.
☹️ I had a stalker obsessed person say to me “You’re a bad person.” But he desperately wanted to go out with me. Have me as a girlfriend. It confuses your mind. Why do you want to be with me if I’m such a terrible person? They want you to think you are lucky to have them. Lucky that they put up with you. When in reality they are attacking you and making you feel small. So that you stay and feel like this if this all you deserve.
Finalizing the divorce this month, wasn't expecting this flood of emotions
Judith the sad reality is once we finish (finalize) this nightmare of an experience and we start to feel “safe” (or at least done with this) the emotions that we haven’t been able to feel or process generally come crashing down. If you are not expecting it it can really send in a downward spiral because you think/feel that things should get better not worse. It’s the same thing with PTSD (which I truly believe most of us experience). You don’t really feel the emotions at the time it is only afterward when it comes crashing down. Know you are not alone and you do not have to deal with this alone. There are a lot of support groups/resources (even this channel) that can help with that.
I am in counseling, and I definitely have PTSD. I was strong enough to survive 40 years of his abuse, I'll survive this
I'm not sure if you feel this way yet BUT after breaking free I honestly feel like my worst day now is better than my best day before. I know that sounds weird but when you are living in a pressure cooker with constant gaslighting and emotional manipulation it is like a living nightmare. Ask your therapist if they are trained in EMDR - it can REALLY help with PTSD and deep trauma.
My go to song these days is Bonnie Raitts "I will not be broken:"
This is excellent. Finally. Someone truly understands how oppressive this is.💝
I’m glad I’m not the only one here affected by such a situation. What do you do if you have two kids who don’t understand how you are being affected by this situation?
Duane, every one of you words here- EXACTLY! The NPD I was with would look at me and say 'you are the problem, you can fix this'. I spent 16 years always afraid of what the future would be like- the summer, or when the kids started school. I was living in his reality- his mind. He was sucking the life out of me. He made huge surprise financial changes one day, that opened my eyes to the fact I was nothing but a slave, and I began to make sense of the unrest in my life. I just want to say, to any one that is just figuring this out- do NOT confront the NPD. Trust no one and get out carefully. Take all the money and possessions you can't live with out. Go no contact. You will doubt yourself endlessly, but always tell yourself you can go back in 2 years if you change your mind. Once you are out, tell the truth about the abuse to friends around you. Be kind and not bitter like the NPD. Take the high road. Esp if you have kids and live near the NPD. The high road and a positive attitude will save you. Im still fighting for custody and assets, but I am not ashamed, not a bad person, not the problem, not lonely. I am good. All of us are😁
Excellent advice Suzanne - I think confronting a narcissist, even a lower function one, is counter productive. I know we all want to - we want to expose the person for who they are - but it tips your hand and gives them an opportunity to react and regroup. Keeping that knowledge *close hold* is critical and like you said - working on a plan to *get out* is critical. I really like your idea of *telling yourself you can go back in 2 years* to condition yourself to not think about it today. It is imperative that you build a foundation that can help you when you start to doubt yourself *because you will doubt yourself*. Excellent comment Suzanne! -Duane
I have had to go through it with a disabilty growing up. It was really hard to try and find stable employment and move out. The narc would purposely (Iam sure of it) induce a repetative state of fatuigue by being really noisey or have the Tv on till midnight or passive agressive behaviour eg: stomping, clanging things and slamming doors. It was no use telling you had to try study or get sleep because it would go through one ear and out the other and the narc did it more. Study or reading had to be done from 12:30 to 2 in the morning or you had to go to the library. However it was hopeless coz then you had the co- dependant parent asking where you were with 1000 questions. There were points where I thought suicide was the only way out. In my young adult life I would rely on alcohol to numb the hyper sensory sensativities just to cope. I often also thought I had no future and there was no point in trying to plan anything, out of fear of things just going pear shapped anyways. I knew better than to react so I would just ignore, keep blank, mimic psycholgist phrases like " how do you feel about that", "how is that working for you", "what do you think" and give rehtorical answers because I knew there wasn't any point in holding a conversation but the I realised the power of keeping redjimentidly busy, always going out to things; weather it was meditation sensions, going to other peoples houses, free seminares, art classes, yoga classes basically anything that would be an excuse to not be home... or I would seek refuge in the garage...
That's really tough Stez and what you are talking about is the situation my son is currently in. He has a disability that although mild significantly impact his ability to get any type of job. His best bet, as it sounds was yours, is to go to college and move out as soon as he can. He is stuck in the middle and has serious anxiety about having to "choose" or be well put in the middle. His mother is a covert narcissist, in my opinion, and she is a master at it just as my own mother was. Through therapy he has worked through his self destructive idealization but I really fear for him because he can't allow himself to see what he is going through. So my question to you have you been able to escape and have you been able to improve your environment? I know living in that environment can be overwhelming and I'm gald you've been able to at least persevere through it. -Duane
To be honest with you I have only managed to move out of home for a year. I have had to drop out of alot of courses because they weren't giving the support they had promised. Every job I have had I have prity much been brutily bullied out of or fired, the longest I have been able to hold a job is for 2 years. Every time I have disclosed my issues I would be laughed at and minimized so I quickly learned its best not to disclose to anybody unless they are working in the learning disability industry.
4 years ago I was batteling and still batteling server anxiety but what I think is ptsd and depression. This forced me to go on the DSP benefits and go to a job center specifically for dsp people. I am thankful they have found me a casual part time job at the factory now. Throughout those 4 years I have managed to get some learning disability treatment and a pair of irlen lenses so now I can read and write alot beter but still not enough to be able to write an essay :(. I also have got into painting and drawing heaps so I am now at a point where people a buying crafty cards and paintings off me but unfortunatly its not enough to rent where I live.
A message for your son would be to get as much treatment as he can afford. Go to an irlen syndrome clinic if its local enough. If you need to go in the cheap dyslexia association websites will link you to a online shop that has different coloured overlays you can put over your reading material to make life easier. Download audible if you can afford to. Play lumosity an hour a day. Eat as clean as possible: superfoods, veggies and fruits. Excercise atleast 1 hour a day.
Learn as much as you can about PTSD, trauma bonding, tools on how to deal with constant rejection eg: Marissa Peer, lisa romano and you. As you probably were the scapegoat. Learn how to meditate, 4x4x4 breathing, be as organised as you can, always have a place for important things have a to do list. Go with your strengths and kick the "i need to control everything" mentality you be to profectionist to be able to do anything. Get connected with a job seeker that supports people with disability.
Sums up my situation to a certain degree. I think everyone has had a suicidal thought but it's the strongest people who over come it.